Dill Gherkens as far as the eye can see
Wat.
My friends and I are gathered around the kitchen table at my house. The place was cleaned for the occasion, I’m sure, however there were those little, hard to erase stains. The table really isn’t important. No, but the people at the table are.
These people, and I, share a common interest. Ponies. We are gathered at the table before the T.V. which sits on a large pedestal made of mirrors. The T.V. screen is no bigger than the screen of a monitor for an hp computer. It’s also missing the power button, but we (as in my family) managed to fit a pen cap in the hole and use it as a substitute.
Though we sit at a cheap table and the T.V. isn’t of top notch quality, that didn’t distract us. The season 4 premiere of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is to begin soon, and I’d watch that on a pile of dung, and it’d still be glorious.
The hype in the room is evident, but we managed to get it all out of our system before we sat down. Wouldn’t want to foam from the mouth in utter ecstasy and miss out on a crucial part of the premiere.
The show begins, and my body is ready. (Or so I think.)
The first thing that I’m thinking is odd is the fact that the theme song is playing first. Normally, an introduction scene is played to introduce the conflict of the episode. However, the first thing on the screen right now is, in the same text style used to notify the viewer that Lauren Faust was the creator, a message stating that there will be a new theme song. This message was also being read by a male, monotonous, disembodied voice.
I see no reason why they would have to introduce the new theme song, but I defiantly won’t object. So, I retract my previous statement: my body was in no way ready. The introduction of the theme continued.
“Our new theme,” the disembodied voice introduced, “will be brought to you by none other than Skrillex and Justin Bieber!”
My poor body.
I do a double take at the television, as those are the very words presented on the screen. The voice clearly stated them, too. I think my sub-consciousness refuses to believe what is going on, and dreads what’s about to happen.
I like my electronic music. I’m okay with Skrillex’s music. I don’t hate Justin Bieber. However, this combination of artists can be compared to the mixture of bleach and ammonia. Mixing these two compounds (Bleach: NaOCl) & (Ammonia: NH3) results in a gas that could be very harmful if inhaled. Most people compare this gas to the lethal ‘Mustard Gas’ which can be used as a biological weapon. Both are poisonous. Anyways, what I’m trying to say is that they aren’t the best of combos.
Despite this horrible, and risky stunt pulled by Hasbro, I had enough faith in the show to continue watching, and even try to give the theme a chance. I didn’t send my masculinity to the moon for nothing! (However, I hope Luna is having fun using it as a beach ball.)
The theme starts, and already, it sounds like a terrible DJ is just mixing the songs ‘Right in’ and ‘Scatta’ by Skrillex. I continue staring at the screen, and only the screen, as there is a walk cycle of Twilight being played. Progressively, the rest of the cast appears beside her.
The theme song continues, and I hear the call of Bieber. My facial muscles tense, not really knowing what to expect. On top of the cacophonous noise, I hear Bieber singing. It sounds just like the infamous song ‘Baby’ only you can replace the word ‘baby’ with ‘pony’ and that’s basically what I was listening to. Terrible background music and Justin singing, repeatedly, “Pony, pony, pony, OH! Pony, Pony, Pony, NO!”
To add insult to injury, the new theme played for a solid 4 minutes. That’s longer than a lot of my favorite songs, which are 2 and a half to 3 and a half minutes on average.
A grueling 4 minutes. It seemed like the longest 4 minutes of my life. It had to have been worth it, though. Perhaps this was just a trick to bring your hopes down low just to knock you dead with a powerful, enchanting storyline incorporating some good songs during this premiere.
Well, the first scene starts off zooming out from Rainbow Dash who was petting her turtle, Tank’s, belly. Seemed pretty normal. It took place in the middle of Rarity’s boutique sometime in the morning.
Just behind Rainbow, Rarity’s doors open abruptly, revealing Rarity herself. Rarity was smiling, but I had no idea why. You’d think Rarity would only burst doors open if she had terrible news. I’m not the director, however. I cannot just set standards on how this show is run.
Rarity opened her mouth to speak. Words came out. These words were, however, in a different voice. I didn’t understand. The new voice actor was totally unsuited for the character. What makes me say that? Well, you’d think the same thing if you heard Rarity speak in Flava Flave’s voice. It was most frightening.
Anyways, Rarity (with Flava Flave’s voice) exclaimed: “Twilight’s chokin’! Heheheh……” I then had an idea as to why this episode was starting off so oddly. Perhaps we’re watching the world after Discord has taken over again? Will everybody be messed up until they overthrew him? My theory was a bit far fetched, but it was the only thing that kept me clinging to sanity.
Well, Rainbow abandons Tank to go assist Rarity. As they leave the boutique at a high speed, Fluttershy accompanies them out of nowhere. Maybe she was waiting outside? Well they run along the main road towards the bridge that passes over the stream. Beside them is Twilight, who is, indeed, choking the most violent choke I’ve ever seen in a kids show. The pitiful sounds of a dying animal barely escaped her mouth as she spazzed out.
Rarity, Rainbow, and Fluttershy, however, pass her by completely. Twilight continues to choke and roll around on the ground.
The trio arrived at Applejack’s house for some reason. (which looked just like Rarity’s boutique, only the interior was wooden.)
While in the house, Fluttershy said something rather mundane, (like, ‘Oh dear’ or something. I dunno.) and her voice also changed. Rather than her normal shy and calming voice, Fluttershy now speaks with Pinkie’s playful tone and Applejack’s southern accent. Extremely unfitting. (At this point, I’m really hoping this has to do with Discord.)
Applejack is seen sitting at a wooden table, drinking what looks to be apple cider from an authentic glass coke bottle. She speaks to her friends, unmistakably, in Morgan Freeman’s voice.
The gang begins a trivial conversation, exchanging greetings, and laughs for about a minute or so. At this point, Rainbow Dash realizes that she’s left the oven on in Rarity’s boutique. (However, it’s given the feeling that Rainbow is living there for some reason.)
The group runs back to the boutique, passing by Twilight’s body again, only now it’s decomposing, and flies begin to circle her corpse.
Rainbow Dash is the first in the building, and she zooms over to the oven to see that Tank is in there. She carefully pulls tank out of the oven, as he somehow changes into Opalescence. Rainbow sets the white cat onto the table and now it’s Applebloom.
“It’s done!” Rainbow Dash exclaims referring to Applebloom who is lying on a plate, her flank horizontal to the dinner table she was on.
Everypony get seated quietly and casually, despite the fact that this is a cartoon. (i.e. they pull their chairs out in a realistic manner, and scoot themselves in without changing scene all while creating small, insignificant, and very realistic sounds like the shuffling of hooves and light clanging of silverware.) The gang then proceeds to eat Applebloom. Using forks, they poke them into the filly’s soft body, producing small, cubical pieces of her and eating them. The meal was being shown in a non gory way. In fact, Applebloom didn’t feel anything.
She began to speak to the ponies who were eating her about her cutie mark, or lack thereof. “I wanna get some kinda cutie mark. I dunno,” she says, “like a…I dunno.” She then goes silent for 3-4 minutes without even changing her face as the all continue to devour her.
After a 4 minute long silent meal (despite realistic, petty sound effects that made it seem like an actual meal.) Applebloom exclaims: “Hey! I’m Scootaloo!” (Possibly implying that she is, indeed, a chicken.)
Without another word, the crew leaves the boutique, once again passing Twilight’s body by. This time Spike is circling her body in a quick jog.
They re-enter Applejack’s domain and find Pinkie Pie standing right by the doorway. Confetti is littered virtually everywhere (not really everywhere). Surprisingly in her own voice, Pinkie asks where Twilight is.
I’m not sure if everyone was trying to lie to Pinkie, or if they just didn’t know, but they tell Pinkie that Twilight is in Canterlot.
A commercial break commences, and I use the recess to gather my thoughts. However the commercials are not normal commercials. The Hub symbol migrated to the top left hand corner of the screen, and the commercials are clips of hardcore, uncut adult smut videos.
I look away from the screen and discuss the events with my friends.
Either my friend Amar or David comments on the fact that they really liked it so far. They were acting as if the events that just passed were excellent, but nothing too crazy. I was thinking that they must’ve been watching a completely different show.
David was saying that he really likes the theme, and it’s stuck in his head. He then cocks his head back and opens his mouth very wide. The new theme song plays from his mouth like a record player. The entire thing… for 4 minutes…again.
Amar then fetches us some snacks. Damian, who up until now was quiet, comments on the fact that he doesn’t like Rarity’s voice actor. Amar tells Damian that he does like the new voice actor. Damian turns back to Amar and says “Oh yeah. I do like her new voice actor.”
Amar returns to the table with a pickle jar. I’m thinking I could go for some pickles. For a reason unbeknownst to me, Amar proceeds to pour the contents of the pickle jar onto the table. This shocks me almost as much as the first portion of the new episode did.
The pickle jar apparently contains more pickles than it seems it could hold, due to the unrealistic amount of pickle that lies on my kitchen table.
A manage to keep my composure, and calmly object to the situation. Amar then responds by jumping onto my table (which startles me since the table isn’t the sturdiest of tables) and beginning to eat the pickles in a fashion much like a chicken.
I don’t even know anymore.
By the time the pornographic commercials end, the show restarts by zooming out from Twilight’s unseeing eye. Flies continue to buzz around her as the scene is fully displayed in a Dutch angle. Pinkie Pie passes by as she calls out Twilight’s name, looking in all directions except right beside her where Twilight lay.
Meanwhile, back in Applejacks wooden lair, a phone nearly identical to Sandy Cheeks acorn phone from ‘Spongebob Squarepants’ rings in the far corner of the room.
Applejack goes to answer the phone. Unlike any normal pony, Applejack proceeds to answer the phone by growing a long, orange tentacle. The tentacle picks up the phone then morphs into a photo realistic moose leg. The moose leg then goes through her ear and then goes into her other hoof. (Which is normal.) Her mouth then mutates into a realistic, long horse mouth as she answers, still in Morgan Freeman’s voice, “Hello?”
Apparently, Celestia is on the other line.
“Hello, Applejack! Is Twilight okay?”
Then there is a long pause. “Who?” Applejack finally answers…with a question.
“Twilight.” Celestia affirms herself.
“Um?”
“You know, your good friend?”
A whole minute or two of pure silence. Applejack then passes the phone to Fluttershy. She holds the phone for about a minute two then passes it to Rarity.
“Hello?…” Celestia is starting to sound a bit impatient.
Rarity then answers in Flava Flave’s almost iconic voice with an auto-tuned laugh and says “YEAH BOI!” which causes us to, for some unknown reason, cheer in our seats. I cheered too, mostly out of confusion.
Amidst the cheering, Amar begins to vomit pickles all over the table. (clean, un-digested pickles, and nothing more.)
I decide to go get a towel and clean up the huge mess. I’d seen enough anyways.
I run up to my bathroom to see a horrid sight that would melt the eyes of a blind nun.
I see Flava Flave, naked in my bathroom covered head to toe in white baby powder with long, well curled, purple hair done in a fashion identical to Rarity’s. Before him is a boom mic used specifically for voice recordings.
He turns to me an says “Hello, dear.” In Rarity’s voice.
I fall down my stairs. Blinded, but only for a second. I look up to see Amar. He then hurls another round of pickles. Pickles seem to flow from his mouth for quite some time, and it keeps coming.
After a long barrage of pickles, a mondo pickle launches out from his face. The diameter of said pickle is way larger than that of the human mouth. The pickle protrudes from his face and crashes into the screen of the T.V.
Hundreds of tiny little ponies (maybe an inch bigger than blind bag ponies) escape the T.V. and use the mondo pickle as a bridge. The little ponies clumsily trip and fall onto the floor and they begin to scuttle around frantically.
My friends all jump out of their seats and uncaringly begin to search for their favorites. Amar manages to round up Spitfire, Vinyl and Cloudchaser. Damian carefully scoops up Fluttershy from the ground. David almost didn’t catch Derpy Hooves, but his mouth shoots out a frog tongue and he catches her in his mouth.
I can’t take it. I bury my head in my arms to try to block myself out from all the chaos. Suddenly, a little pony manages to crawl under my arms. She glows much like Yoshi does in Yoshi’s Island when he’s in a cave. I see her. It’s Roseluck.
I try with all my existence to resist snatching her up. She then nuzzles my face and that was the end of that.
I gently place her in the breast pocket of my grey hoodie. I decide to go take a walk, since I’ve had enough of that foolishness in my house.
It’s a cool day, and the sky is rather cloudy. Winter time, most defiantly, but it wasn’t cold enough to wear anything more than a hoodie. I don’t have a set destination in mind, but I only came out to escape my house.
Along the walk, I don’t see a single soul. The city is completely baron. Along the way, I see the city’s landmark in the distance, a large clock tower that was built by the train station. Roseluck stairs at it, amused. I find myself stroking her head every so often to keep myself busy, since I’ve no idea where I’m going despite the fact I’ve lived here my whole life.
I somehow manage to walk all the way down to Price Chopper. (Present day Stop & Shop in Waterbury) I am particularly hungry for some chocolate frosted cookie cake. (I guess I assumed that the cakes would be free.) Roseluck is delighted by the idea and she wriggles around restlessly in my pocket.
I enter the supermarket to find that all the aisles are stocked with bread. Every last one, bread, bread, bread. No one is here, either. I walk towards the dairy section and I see nothing. Nothing but a lone pickle.
For some reason, I take this as a sign that Amar is near.
Sure enough, I catch sight of Amar turning the corner at the far end of the aisle, and he begins to spew endless Dill Gherkins from his mouth. He then sprints at me. Hundreds of little ponies follow him, as if he were their leader. I stare at Roseluck, and she stares back at me, fear in her little eyes.
All of a sudden, the pickles stop flowing. Amar holds his gut as a giga-massive cucumber (not a pickle) launches from his throat. He flies of into the ceiling of the store.
I take this opportunity as my only escape, and Roseluck approves. We exit the store and make our way across the street to Game stop. Roseluck hops out of my pocket and heads towards the used PS2 game section.
She grabs a copy of ‘Jak & Daxter: The Precursor Legacy.’ by pulling on a tag with her mouth, and the case was green like an Xbox 360 case. I tell her that I already own that game and she goes off to return it. I want to help her, but she looks so cute as she climbs up the rack to return it.
She comes back holding a ‘Ratchet and Clank’ game. I accept it, mostly because I have no reason to be here, and I want to leave. Roseluck, however, seems she wants to play it.
We head up to the register to pay for the game. I notice that the cashier is a bit upset about something, whatever it is.
I hand him the case, feeling a bit sorry for him, when I see Roseluck pop out of it. This causes the cashier to smile a smile I’ve only seen Pinkie Pie smile before she got her cutie mark.
Roseluck then decides to pull out a coconut bra, and a grass skirt and she begins to dance to the song ‘You Got Curves, She Got Curves’ by Renard.
I almost die from the sheer and utter cuteness.
The cashier did, though.
I worriedly begin to perform the first aid I learned during my 4 days in Health Tech. at my school. I still felt a pulse (although he’s dead).
I try to call an ambulance, but my phone doesn’t connect, in only makes a loud beeping sound.
A familiar beeping sound…
I wake up in my room and frantically try to shut off my alarm clock before anyone else in my house wakes up. My heart beats fast in my chest. I give it a minute to slow down.
I stare at my bedpost and only let one word slip from my mouth.
Author's Note
Oh yeah. This is a true story.
