A Series of Inexplicably Convenient Events

by Shanenator

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Alternate Universe, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy
Length: 55563

Why, hello there! I'm Twilight Sparkle, personal student of Princess Celestia and resident librarian. I'm also the laziest unicorn in Ponyville. Let me tell you about the time that I accidentally saved Equestria. Several times, actually.

Why, hello there! Can't say that I've seen you around before. Welcome to Ponyville Library. Let me know if you need help with anything. Oh, right. Where are my manners? My name is Twilight Sparkle, personal student of Princess Celestia of Equestria and resident librarian. Oh, and some might call me the laziest unicorn in Ponyville.

Heh. They're just jealous. Try the laziest unicorn in all of Equestria. And that's a title I'm most proud to bear, thank you very much. What's that? Why, you ask? Well. Let me tell you about the time that I accidentally managed to save Equestria.

Several times, actually.

Note: Not a crossover with "A Series of Unfortunate Events." Sorry to disappoint. I just couldn't resist the reference.

First person from Twilight's perspective.

Published 2013-02-16 04:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-03-14 08:09:37 UTC

Something From Nothing, Part One

A Series of Inexplicably Convenient Events

Original Concept Written and Edited by Shanenator

Chapter One: Something From Nothing, Part One

*****

“wwaaaaaAAAAieeeoohh. Num num num…”

I smacked my lips contentedly and sleepily fluttered my eyes open. Oh wow was that a good nap. I squinted my eyes against the harsh sunlight as I checked the sun’s position in the sky. It was just about noon. Looking around, I found myself in a familiar locale. A small stream gurgled happily behind me. A lone tree on my right offered shade from the midday sun. It was a very peaceful area.

Otherwise known as my favorite napping spot.

I yawned broadly once again before looking down. Sure enough, there was a book there. Of course I wasn’t reading it, though. I just had it there to look the part. After all, I somehow had the misfortune of being Celestia’s personal student, so I had to at least pretend I was always studying. If anypony caught me asleep, it would be easy to act embarrassed about nodding off situated in such a peaceful location.

I lazily glanced at the open book, curious as to what I had been ‘reading’ about. Some random history on an ancient pegasi myth. Totally lame. I closed the book, titled ‘Predictions and Prophecies,’ and stood up. I groaned in pleasure as I cracked my back loudly, shaking each and every limb out and stretching any kinks or cramps away. Ah, yes. The life of laziness is a good one indeed.

Seriously, though. I still can’t believe Princess Celestia took me on as her personal student. Ponies don’t have any idea how much extra WORK that is. I would be most happy if she just forgot about me one day. But nooo. Instead it’s ‘read this,’ ‘study that,’ and ‘test on these.’ Ugh.

Alright. Maybe I was pretty good at magic as a filly. Maybe I did a bit of light reading on the subject. But it was totally to supplement my other reading interests! Because let me say: I did read a lot as a filly.

A lot of fiction.

Anyways. I got into a couple of magic books so I could glean some background information on how magic works. It was all to get a better understanding of my regular material. But of course, my parents saw my ill-conceived venture and misinterpreted it as a drive to learn more. Next thing I know I’m standing in front of a bunch of fancy teachers trying to crack open a dragon egg with magic.

How the hay was I supposed to do that? Hey, I have an idea. Can I just have a hammer please? That would do the trick. But no, that would be against the rules. Which sucks. It also might have hurt the dragon. I guess that’s a good reason. Anyways, after giving the egg a few half-hearted attempts, I was just about to admit to the board that I was a total foal and had no idea how to pass the test when suddenly there was a gigantic explosion.

Apparently sudden shocks can make unicorns do very unpredictable things. I, for my part, easily broke open the dragon egg, lifted the severely startled board of teachers into the air, and managed to transmogrify my parents into plants, all in the blink of an eye. Okay, great. I passed. More work for me, woohoo.

But oh no. The universe had no intention of stopping there. As if on cue, who else than Princess Celestia herself walked in and saw me doing incredible magic at the age of five. Naturally, my sheer raw talents instantly qualified me to become her personal student. Oh boy. I did, however, manage to get my Cutie Mark out of the whole ordeal. Now THAT was something I got excited about. I was even open to the idea of being Celestia’s student for a while. Maybe it would be fun.

Oh no. It was so much work. It sucked. It sucked some more. It still sucks. I have so much stuff to deal with I’m surprised I still have my sanity. It’s not all bad, though. After months, years even, of constant procrastination and apparent failures, I’ve managed to get Celestia to adopt a more lax work schedule. It still sucks, but at least I have a bit more breathing room.

I may put up with the workload, but by golly I’m going to fight it every step of the way.

Sighing heavily, I put the heavy book in my saddlebags and began to head back to the library tower. Oh yeah, I pretty much live in a library. Princess Celestia evidently saw fit to both expose me to even more ‘knowledge’ and to give me a part-time job to supplement my studies. I hated both those reasons for my living quarters being what they were.

Sighing in exasperation once again, I started off on the long trek back to the castle. Why did I constantly make my way out here again? Oh right, because it’s an awesome place to nap. If only I actually practiced teleportation once in a while. Maybe I could just teleport back and forth. It would be nice.

Hmmm…nah.

Cresting a hill, a trio of giggling voices reached my ears. I rolled my eyes. Schoolfillies. As I continued along the path, the sources of the voices finally came into view. Of course, they just so happened to be fillies that I knew. Please don’t talk to me, please don’t talk to me, please don’t talk to me…

“There you are, Twilight!”

Horseapples. I stopped walking, waiting for my accosters to continue. “Moondancer is having a little get-together in the West Castle Courtyard. You wanna come?” the middle pony, Twinkleshine, finished. As she did so, she leaned forward eagerly. Her two friends, Lemon Hearts and Minuette I think their names are, mimicked the action.

Alright, Twilight. You can do this. Initiate evasive action alpha. “Who?” I asked, tilting my head to the side slightly.

The three mares were a bit put-off by my response. “Oh, come on Twilight,” Minuette began. “You know, Moondancer! Don’t give us that, of course you know her!”

I frowned slightly and put a hoof to my chin in apparent thought. “Hmm…the name doesn’t quite ring a bell…” I lied yet again.

The three ponies looked incredulous. “Twilight! She sits next to you in class! Surely you know her!” Lemon Hearts spoke up, looking slightly desperate. I shrugged half-heartedly.

“Sorry, I really don’t. You know how it is, being Princess Celestia’s personal student and all. I really wish I had more time to get out and meet ponies…”

Three pairs of eyes widened. Hah. I’ve got them now… “Weeeelll…” Twinkleshine began thoughtfully. “Maybe this is a good time to change that! C’mon Twilight, it’ll be fun!”

My eyes widened slightly. Uh oh. Played like a filly. Come on, Twilight, throw them off…

“Hehe. You know, that’s a good point. I’d like to come, I really do! But I’ve got this report due tomorrow that I have to work on. I tried to start it by the river, but I accidentally fell asleep…” I feigned a yawn. “Hoo, boy. Excuse me. I hardly get any sleep these days, hehe. I’ve gotta…head to the library…more research…” I yawned again, but this time it was authentic.

The three mares regarded me sadly. “Gee, that really bites Twilight. We’re sorry to hear that. Do you need any help?” Twinkleshine offered.

I waved her off. “No, I’m alright. Thanks for the offer, but you should go have fun. I’ll catch up with you later.” I started to head off down the path again, waving goodbye as I went. The three mares waved back, wishing me luck. As soon as the three forms disappeared behind the nearest rise, I allowed myself a sigh of relief. Disaster narrowly avoided. Heh. Research paper my flank. I was heading back home to take another nap.

The rest of the trip back was uneventful. I passed Lyra and whatshername on the way back, but they only waved and said hello. They looked to be out shopping. I politely waved back, but probably departed the scene a bit more hastily than necessary, fearing the possibility of having to dig myself out of yet another social situation.

Slowly taking my time up the spiraling stairs, I finally made it back to the library. I calmly pushed the door open and walked in. “Spike, I’m back,” I called out nonchalantly. I heard a surprised snort and a small ‘wha-?’ from somewhere in the center of the room. I entered the library proper to see my small draconic assistant wiping the sleep from his eyes. “Spike,” I said, my tone suddenly serious. “You weren’t napping on the job, were you?” I inquired, giving him a rather hard glare.

Spike fidgeted on the spot, twisting his tail with his claws. “Uh, maybe just a little one…but it was an accident I promise! I won’t do it again!” he pleaded. I continued to give him a hard gaze but soon cracked a smile. I couldn’t help myself.

“That’s my dragon,” I said happily, ruffling the spines on his head as I walked past. Spike stared at me open-mouthed for a moment or two before taking on an indignant expression.

“Twilight! Don’t do that to me! You practically gave me a heart attack!” I just laughed good-naturedly. Soon Spike was chuckling as well. It was hard to keep his spirits down. He was a dragon after my own heart. If there was one good thing about this whole ‘personal student’ deal, it’s Spike. He and I have become best friends, and partners in laziness. He makes me so proud sometimes.

“So. How was your nap?” he asked.

“Oh, you know. The usual.”

“That good, huh?”

“It always is,” I chimed happily, walking towards the shelf to put the book back.

Spike noticed it. “What’s that you were ‘reading’?” he asked amusedly. I even turned around in time to watch him make the air quotes with his claws.

I snorted in disdain. “I dunno. Some lame history tome.” I flipped the book open to a random page and decided to read a passage to humor the situation. “The Mare in the Moon: myth from olden pony times. A powerful pony who wanted to rule Equestria, defeated by the Elements of Harmony and imprisoned in the moon. Legend has it that on the longest day of the thousandth year, the stars will aid in her escape, and she will bring about nighttime eternal. Heh. Eternal nighttime. Now that’s something I can get on board with. But like I said, totally lame, right?”

He nodded enthusiastically before turning around, probably heading to his bed. “Yeah. Totally.”

I closed the book and levitated it into its place. Free of work for the time being, it was time for another nap. However, my brain still felt like processing the passage I had just read and I paused as something clicked. “Hey, Spike…” I said slowly.

“Yeah, Twi?” he answered from across the room.

“Isn’t this year the thousandth anniversary of the Summer Sun Celebration?”

“…Yeeaaahh. Why do yo-ohhhh…” he finished in understanding. His head poked up from behind a pile of books and we stared at each other for a moment or two.

Suddenly, I burst out loudly. “Spike! Do you know what this means?”

“What? What does this mean?” he inquired fearfully, cringing slightly.

“It means that I might have just completed my history assignment for next week! Yes!” I hoof-pumped the air in excitement. If there was one thing I liked more than naps, it was finding shortcuts to my work.

Across the room, I saw Spike grin excitedly. “Oh yeah! Awesome!” His smile suddenly turned into a thoughtful frown. “But are you sure this will work? I’m not sure it’s quite what the Princess was looking for…”

I paused at that. Yeah, it might have been a bit of a stretch. But it was worth a shot! The risk of taking the time to write up a short letter was worth the potential of bypassing the entire assignment! “She might go for it. Worth a shot, at least. Spike, take a letter!”

The dragon grinned again and reached behind the pile of books. A moment later he held a quill and scroll firmly in his claws. “Ready, Twilight!”

“My ‘dearest’ teacher,” I began, placing a sarcastic emphasis on the word ‘dearest.’ Spike snickered at that, but continued writing. “My continuing studies of pony magic have led me to ‘discover,’” another snicker, “that something really bad is about to happen. For you see, the mythical Mare in the Moon is evidently Nightmare Moon, and she might be about to return to Equestria and bring with her eternal night. Something should probably be done to make sure this terrible prophecy does not come true. Figured you might want to know. Your ‘faithful’ student, Twilight Sparkle.”

Spike looked about to burst with laughter as he finished up the letter, but somehow managed to keep it together long enough to finish with half-decent clawwriting. Finally he relented and allowed himself to chuckle to himself for a moment or two. “Phew! Twilight, you’re killing me! How unusual for you to be so ‘serious,’ hehe.”

I grinned cheekily. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Go ahead and send it, Spike.”

“It’s on its way!” he replied. With a burst of green flame, the letter was gone. “But do you think she’ll actually respond, Twilight? She’s pretty busy preparing for the Summer Sun Celebration, after all.”

I shrugged nonchalantly. “Maybe she will, maybe she won’t. Either way, I think now it’s time for some well-deserved relaxation,” I responded happily, levitating over some pillows.

Spike grinned again. “Oh yeah. Now you’re talking my language, sister!” We laughed heartily at that. Settling down into our respective piles of pillows, we both let out happy sighs of contentment. I was just closing my eyes and drifting off into the happy lands of naptime when I was disturbed by a voice speaking up. “Um, Twilight?”

“Yes, Spike?”

“You don’t think that myth is…real, do you?”

I snorted again. “Of course not. It’s just a made-up fairy tale to scare little foals. If it was true, I’m sure Celestia would be on top of things.” Spike seemed to accept that and fell silent. I was just about to drift off to a lovely nap yet again when my peace of mind was interrupted yet again by a sudden choking sound. Said choking sound was suddenly replaced by a loud belch. I lazily opened an eye and looked at the source of said disturbances.

“A reply already?”

Spike picked up the scroll and inspected it. “Yep! It’s got the royal seal and everything!”

“Alright then,” I replied, closing my eyes once again. “Go ahead and see what it says.”

I heard the sound of a claw ripping off a seal, and then Spike cleared his throat. “Ahem. My dearest and most faithful student Twilight…” we both chuckled a bit at that. “You know that I value your diligence, and that I trust you completely. But you simply must stop reading those dusty old books!” I gasped in shock at that last statement. I sat up hurriedly, fixing Spike with a surprised gaze. One that was mirrored quite effectively in my assistant’s face. There was a tangible pause as we both processed what exactly had just been said.

And then we both burst out laughing.

“Ahahahaha!” I laughed uproariously, struggling to even breathe. “Oh my goodness! This is just…just…PRICELESS! Aaaaahahahaha!” I continued to go crazy on the floor, my body wracked by laughter. I pounded the floor repeatedly with my forehoof, tears streaming from my eyes.

Spike was in hysterics as well. “Ahahaha! She actually…haha…thinks you READ these books? Ohoho, that’s a good one!”

“Hahaha! I know, right? Actual reading? Hah! As if! Hahahaha…” I finally started to calm down a bit. “Ohhh…if only she knew…”

Spike chuckled, also winding down. He wiped a tear from his eye before responding. “Phew…yeah, haha. As if you actually read that. More like found it on a whim, hehe.”

“Hoo…yep.” I released a long breath and calmed myself. “Alright. That was funny, but that can’t be all she said. What else was there?”

Spike looked down at the letter and cleared his throat again. “Ahem. My dear Twilight, there is more to a young pony’s life than studying.”

“Yeah, like napping,” I interrupted with a yawn. I opened my eyes to see Spike glaring at me. “Heh, sorry. Proceed.”

“Like I was saying,” he continued. “So I’m sending you to supervise the preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration in this year’s location: Ponyville. And, I have an even more essential task for you to complete: make some friends.”

…What.

My eyes widened considerably at that as I stood stock-still in shock. Spike was also silent, staring at the parchment in utter horror. “Oh, Twilight…I’m so sorry.” I had no words. This…this was horrible. Of all the things that letter could have caused, this was, without a doubt, the worst possible thing.

“P.S.,” Spike continued, suddenly noticing an addendum at the bottom of the letter. “Nice try. This doesn’t count for your upcoming history assignment. You may, however, write it on your experiences with the Summer Sun Celebration instead if you wish.”

I promptly fainted.

*****

An hour later, the two of us were crouched unhappily in the back of a royal chariot being flown off to Ponyville. “Humph,” I said crossly. “It’s bad enough that she didn’t accept the letter for my history assignment, but now I have to go do stuff in Ponyville too! Ugh!” I crossed my forelegs in frustration.

Spike looked equally ticked. “Yeah, and I had to go with you. How lame is that?” I glared at him. “Yeah, pretty lame,” he backpedaled. “But at least we can work together to get this stuff done. And then we can head back to our place to catch some z’s, which is…” he trailed off and looked at the parchment again. His expression promptly fell. “Oh look. We’re staying at the library. Fancy that.” We both harrumphed simultaneously. This was going to suck, I just knew it.

“And even worse, I have to make some ‘friends.’ If I don’t, the Princess will surely give me even more to do. Ugh, it never ends!” I exclaimed in despair.

“Cheer up, Twilight,” Spike attempted to console me as the chariot came in for a landing. “Maybe the ponies in Ponyville actually have interesting things to talk about. We can at least try, right?”

I stepped out of the chariot, curtly thanked the pegasi guards, and looked around. I spotted a pink pony who looked like she glued cotton candy to her head trotting towards us. “I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to try,” I acknowledged. We walked up to the pony, who noticed us and stopped. “Um…hello?” I ventured.

The pink pony, for her part, sprang into the air with a loud gasp, defied gravity for all of about three seconds, and then shot off like a rocket, leaving not a single trace of pink in her wake. We both stared in the direction she had left in, utterly at a loss for words. Finally, I found my voice. “Well, THAT was interesting all right,” I said, glaring at Spike.

Spike held up his claws in a show of self-defense. “All right, all right! So it was a bad idea. I guess we’ll see what happens when we work through the ‘Summer Sun Celebration Official Overseer’s Checklist.’ Number one: banquet preparations-Sweet Apple Acres.”

“Let’s just get this over with,” I moaned as we headed off down the street.

*****

All too soon, and after an unfortunately long distance traveled, we were walking up to the entrance of what appeared to be a farm. There was a large red barn, a farmhouse in the distance, and plenty of apple fields about. “Is this the place?” I asked Spike.

I was answered not by my assistant, but rather by a sudden “YEEEHAAAW!” from somewhere on my right. The source of the cry was soon revealed to be an orange earth pony mare with a blonde mane, a trio of apples on her flank, and a large Stetson hat adorning her head. I let out a sigh and started walking towards her.

“Let’s get this over with,” I said dourly. Approaching the mare, I put on my best attempt at a smile and tried to be friendly. “Good afternoon. My name is Twilight Sparkle, an-”

Suddenly, I found my right foreleg being practically ripped off my torso by the orange mare gripping it tightly and shaking it vigorously. After a moment or two, I realized she was attempting to shake my hoof. I tried to tell her to lay off and stop hurting me, but her mouth was already running a mile a minute.

“Well howdy-doo, miss Twilight! A pleasure makin’ your acquaintance! Ah’m Applejack. We here at Sweet Apple Acres sure do love makin’ new friends!” At some point during her monologue, I had squeezed my eyes shut in an attempt to ignore the pain. However, her last word jogged some part of my brain.

“Friends? Uhh, actually…”

“So!” I was interrupted. “What can Ah do ya for?” It took me a moment or two to realize that she had stopped shaking my hoof, but my foreleg was still vibrating ridiculously. Thankfully, Spike stepped up and set it straight. He chuckled a bit, but I silenced him with a glare. Anyways, it was time to get on with business.

“Ahem. Well, actually, I am here to supervise preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration, and you’re in charge of the food?”

“We sure as sugar are! Would ya care to sample some?” My ears perked up at that, and I suddenly realized that it had been a fair while since I’d eaten anything. Now I’m a simple pony. I appreciate the small things in life. Things like sleeping. And eating. And sleeping. And right now, free food sounded pretty tempting. I glanced at Spike. An eager nod affirmed my decision.

“Well, I suppose that IS our job after all.” Applejack grinned and suddenly rushed over to a triangle mounted on a fencepost. She banged on it for several seconds before very loudly yelling:

“SOOOUUP’S OOOON, EVERYPONY!”

Following this loud exclamation, there was a sudden stampede of ponies, and the next thing we knew we were seated at a picnic table coughing vigorously to clear the dust from our lungs. Quick as a flash, Applejack materialized next to us and starting running her mouth again.

“Now! Why don’t Ah introduce y’all to th’ Apple family? This here’s Apple Fritter…” a plate of mouthwatering apple fritters accompanied this statement and were promptly placed on the table before me. “…Apple Bumpkin, Red Gala, Red Delicious, Golden Delicious, Caramel Apple, Apple Strudel, Apple Tart, Baked Apples, Apple Brioche, Apple Cinnamon Crisp…” The crazy apple farmer paused to take a deep breath. I wasn’t really paying attention at the moment, however. All I could focus on was the veritable MOUND of food piled before us. And boy, was I hungry…

“Big Macintosh, Apple Bloom, AAAAND…” she walked up and shoved an apple in my mouth. It was delicious. I happily chewed and swallowed. Spike looked rather jealous. “…Granny Smith. Up and at ‘em, Granny Smith! We got guests.” The elderly green mare woke up from her nap with a jolt and slowly hobbled over to the group, mumbling something unintelligible about the soup being on. I immediately decided that I liked her. “Why,” Applejack continued, placing a hoof around my neck, “Ah’d say you’re already part o’ th’ family!”

My ears perked up at that. Could it be? Was I actually making ‘friends’? Cool. One less thing to deal with. “Ahaha!” I chuckled happily, still staring at the food. “Well, I can see that the food situation is well handled…” I trailed off, drooling slightly.

“Aren’cha gonna stay fer brunch?” a tiny voice asked. I looked down to see…who was it, Apple Bloom? Yeah, that was it. Anyways, I saw Apple Bloom staring at me sadly. Who could resist such a face? And such mouthwatering food?

“Of course we are!” I said happily. “Let’s eat!” A cheer went up through the Apple family as Spike and I cheerfully dug into our pile of pure apple-y deliciousness.

*****

“Food’s all taken care of! Next is weather,” Spike said as we headed back into town. I opened my mouth to reply but all that came out was a loud belch. I blushed and grinned sheepishly as I patted my rather overfull stomach. It was bulging a fair amount, but I wasn’t complaining. Sure it hurt a bit, but it was WORTH it.

“Hehe. Excuse me.” I placed a hoof over my mouth in a vain attempt to suppress another belch. “Ehehe. I may have eaten a tad more than I should have…” I trailed off sheepishly.

Spike turned a bemused eye at me. “I’ll say. Who knew you could pack it away like that, Twilight?” I shot a glare at him, but he only chuckled.

“Oh, and you didn’t eat anything,” I replied sarcastically.

“I had my fair share,” he said nonchalantly. “But I think you were the one who really impressed the Apples.” I blushed furiously at that.

“Whatever. It was delicious. Who are we talking to next?”

Spike let out a thoughtful hum. “Hmm. There’s supposed to be a pegasus pony named Rainbow Dash clearing the skies…”

I tilted my head skywards. Sure were an awful lot of clouds. “Well. She’s not doing a very good job, now is she?” Suddenly, there was a very large impact that struck my left side. Before I could even scream, I was flung into a puddle of mud and absolutely COVERED in filth. Somehow, I managed to keep from losing any of my delicious midday meal from my ponderously large stomach.

I was about to give said pony a piece of my mind when I heard a nervous chuckle from above. “Ehehe…excuse me? Ehehe.” I simply sighed angrily. These ponies of Ponyville really were something. “Ehehe…let me help you,” the voice continued. Suddenly, the sky went dark. Upon further examination, I realized that there was actually just a cloud above me. A rather dark and ominous-looking cloud…

…Uh oh. Before I could open my mouth to protest, I found myself the focus of a veritable deluge. I coughed and sputtered angrily. I hated showers! And now I was soaking wet! I preferred being dirty. Looking up at my ‘savior’ I saw a cerulean pegasus mare with a rainbow-colored mane and tail.

Hah. Gay.

And of course she was completely squeaky clean. How did that happen? The obnoxious voice spoke up again before I could ponder the unfairness of the situation. “Ehehe. Oops, I guess I overdid it!” You think? “Um…uh…how about this?” I wanted so badly to scream ‘no!’ I tried. I really did. But I’m afraid it was lost in the cacophony created by this crazy pegasus flying circles around me and causing a ridiculous rainbow cyclone.

Hah. Gay.

“My very own, patented ‘Rainblow Dry’!” Oh Celestia, was that supposed to be a pun? It was awful. I resisted the urge to facehoof. I did notice with some bemusement, however, that I was in fact dry. That was nice, I supposed. “No, no, don’t thank me,” the voice continued. “You’re quite welcome.” Wow, she was certainly full of herself. I was about to speak, for the third time, when she suddenly burst out laughing and fell to the ground. Spike soon joined her.

I stood there in confusion for a moment or two before realizing they were probably laughing at me. Oh great. Just what I needed. I decided then and there I didn’t like this pony. I, however, decided to be the bigger mare and play it civil. “Let me guess. You’re Rainbow Dash.” At the mention of her name, she immediately canned it and let her obviously incredibly huge ego take over. She stood up hastily, sending Spike flying. I chuckled slightly at that. Ah, yes. Sweet revenge…

“The one and only! Why? You heard of me?” she asked excitedly, hovering mere inches from my face. Oh Celestia help me. This pony was more full of herself then I was full of food. And seriously. I ate a lot. Time to be the tough mare.

“I ‘heard’ you were supposed to be keeping the sky clear.” I sighed. “I’m Twilight Sparkle, and the Princess sent me to check on the weather.”

…What? How was she already reclining on a cloud? She had been in my face just a second ago! Jeez. I guess she was pretty fast. “Yeah, yeah. That’ll be a snap,” she said calmly, waving a hoof. “I’ll do it in a jiffy just as soon as I’m done practicing.”

“Practicing for what?” I inquired, slightly afraid to ask.

Oh yeah. Should’ve been about twice as afraid. “The WONDERBOLTS!!” she exclaimed excitedly. “They’re gonna perform at the celebration tomorrow, and I’m gonna show them my stuff!”

I resisted the urge to guffaw. She thought the Wonderbolts would even take notice of her? She couldn’t even clear the lousy sky! “The Wonderbolts?” I asked incredulously. Hook…

“Yup.”

“The most talented fliers in ALL of Equestria?” Line…

“That’s them.”

“Pffft. Please. They’d never accept a pegasus who can’t even keep the skies clear for one measly day!”

“Hey!” Sinker. Gotcha, Rainbow Dash. “I could clear this sky in ten seconds flat.” Oh yeah right. Only one way to test THAT ridiculous theory.

I narrowed my eyes challengingly. “Prove it.” And she was off like a rocket. Suffice to say, I was not expecting THAT. My eyes almost had trouble following her as she streaked around the sky, her rainbow-colored contrail streaming behind her.

Hah. Gay.

Sure enough, not ten seconds later the sky was clear and she was perched jauntily on the bridge. “What I tell ya?” she bragged. “Ten. Seconds. Flat. I’d never leave Ponyville hangin’.” I think my mouth was hanging slightly open, because she laughed then. “Haha. You should see the look on your face. You’re a laugh, Twilight Sparkle. I can’t wait to hang out some more!” And with that, she was off. Not like I really cared. I was too busy being frightened over that last statement. Hang out? With her? I shuddered at the thought. Applejack I could handle. Rainbow Dash…no. Just no. That pony was a disaster waiting to happen. A particularly rainbow-colored one.

Hah. Gay.

“Wow…she’s amazing!” Spike enthused. I shot him a glare. He promptly began to chuckle again. Sighing in exasperation, I headed off towards our next destination. “Hey, it’s not that bad!” he called after me. “Trust me, I’ve seen much worse just after you’ve rolled out of bed!” I had to laugh at that one. It was true. I’ve had some pretty crazy bedmane in my days…

*****

The two of us strode confidently into the town hall. “Decorations,” Spike read from the list. Looking around, he added: “beautiful…”

“Yes,” I agreed. It was true, the decorations hung about the room were quite nice. “The décor is coming along quite nicely. This ought to be quick. I’ll be napping in no time. Beautiful indeed.” Oh, yes. Nothing was more beautiful than sleep…

“Not the décor,” Spike continued. “Her!” he said enthusiastically, pointing. I followed his claw and saw an admittedly good-looking white, stylishly purple-maned unicorn mare nosing through various colored ribbons. “How are my spines?” he continued. “Are they straight?”

I rolled my eyes and simply strode up to the white mare. “Good afternoon.”

“Just a moment, please!” she replied. “I’m ‘in the zone,’ as it were. Ah, yes!” she enthused, apparently deciding on which ribbon to use. “Sparkle always does the trick, does it not? Rarity, you ARE a talent. Now, uhm, how can I help youuuaahaHAAAUGH!!” Her response suddenly escalated into a scream and she recoiled visibly. “Oh my stars, darling! Whatever happened to your coiffure?”

…What? “Oh, you mean my mane? A rainbow-colored disaster happened. I’m just here to check on the decorations and then I’ll be out of your hair.” Heh, a pun. I thought it was pretty good, too.

“Out of MY hair? What about YOUR hair?” She immediately grabbed me and started to drag me off. Unfortunately, I was not strong enough to resist her.

“Wait! Where are we going? Help!!” Some help Spike was. He just followed us like some little lost puppy. I’d have to have a serious chat with him later…

*****

About Celestia-knows-how-long later, and after several rants about the danger rainbow-maned mares regularly posed to fashion, my mane was back to normal and I’d been forced to try on about twenty different outfits. All of which, in Rarity’s expert opinion, were far too ‘insert adjective here’ for her liking. What about my liking? Hmm? Anyways, once she FINALLY decided on something she liked, again without consulting me, she began to strangle me with it while saying: “now go on, my dear. You were telling me where you’re from!”

“I’ve…*pant*…been sent…*wheeze*…from Canterlot…” I thought I was going to die. It was quite hard to breathe the way she was pulling on this…whatever it was. Seriously, I NEVER wear clothes. They are WAY too much effort. Recent events only enforced this notion further. She was also attempting to make me lose my most delicious lunch. I resisted most valiantly. Spike, of course, continued to be no help at all, lovestruck as he was. Wow. I am never going to fall for a stallion that hard. It makes one simply look like a total foal.

“Canterlot!” Rarity cried enthusiastically. I stumbled forward at the sudden lack of a considerable force pulling back on me. “Oh, I am so envious! The glamor, the sophistication! I’ve always dreamed of living there!” Oh, brother. Then pick up your things and move? I’m pretty sure a mare who looks so good could afford to live in Canterlot. Some ponies. “I can’t wait to hear all about it!” she continued. “We’re going to be the best of friends, you and I,” she purred happily, pressing close to me.

Oh dear.

*****

After the crazed fashionista dashed off with claims of ‘emeralds! What was I thinking,’ I quickly grabbed Spike and high-tailed it out of there before she decided to dye my coat a new color. I left the…whatever it was at the door. I was sure she’d find it. Spike, of course, was still daydreaming. “Wasn’t she wonderful?” he said for like the fourth time.

I rolled my eyes. “Focus Casanova. What’s next on the list?”

He snapped to attention. “Oh, uh, right. Music! It’s the last one! And then we can go sleep, right?”

“Yep!” I responded happily. As if on cue, we suddenly heard the sounds of birds chirping merrily on the wind. Following our ears, we emerged from a nearby bush to see a yellow pink-maned pegasus floating daintily before a tree packed with birds. She appeared to be…directing them? Great. Now I’d seen everything.

“Oh my,” she suddenly spoke up. “Um, stop please everyone.” I watched as she appeared to float up to one of the birds and whisper to it. I guess he had been slightly off key or something. She soon returned to the forefront of the bird choir and continued. “Now, follow me please. A one, a two, a one two three…”

And of course, myself being the blockhead I am, and perhaps being slightly eager to finish my tasks, I walked right out of the bush and loudly called “hello!” At that, the yellow pegasus gasped in surprise and all the birds took off. “Oops, sorry about that. I didn’t mean to frighten your birds. I’m just here to check up on the music. It sounded pretty good.”

The yellow pegasus fluttered to the ground and said nothing. Wow, and I thought I was socially awkward. I put on a probably not very convincing smile and waited. When she said nothing, I spoke up again. “I’m Twilight Sparkle.” No response. I tried again. “What’s your name?”

She finally responded. “Um, I’m…” I rubbed my ear in annoyance. I couldn’t hear what she said!

“I’m sorry, what was that?”

“Um…my name is, um…” Wow. Would this pony just speak up?

“Didn’t quite catch that.” And then she squeaked. Seriously, I don’t even know.

…Alright. Time to leave. “Well, um, it looks like your birds are back! So I guess everything’s in order. Keep up the good work!” After more unintelligible noises I decided to just leave. “Oookay.”

I trotted back over to Spike, who for some reason had kept to the bushes. “Well that was easy. Come on, my bed’s waiting for me.” Suddenly there was a loud exclamation from behind me.

“A baby dragon!” For the second time that day, I found myself flying through the air thanks to an impact with a pegasus. At least I didn’t land in mud this time. “Oh, I’ve never seen a baby dragon before! He’s sooo cuuute!” she continued.

“Well, well, well,” Spike said, shooting me a smug look. I glared back.

“Oh my, he talks! I didn’t know dragons could talk.” Wow. That was like, almost racist. Of course they could talk! Everypony with half a brain knew that! “That’s just so incredibly wonderful, I…I just don’t even know what to say!” That didn’t surprise me one bit. She was sure clammed up a moment ago.

I finally managed to pick myself up and managed to conjure up enough magical power to levitate Spike onto my back. “Well, in that case, we’d better be going!”

“Wait, wait!” she called, falling into step behind me. “What’s his name?”

“I’m Spike!” he happily replied, obviously thrilled to get so much attention.

“Hi, Spike. I’m Fluttershy.” Oh. So that was her name. She can tell it to a dragon but not a pony, huh? She must be part dragon or something. “Wow…a talking dragon! And, what do dragons talk about?”

“Well, what do you want to know?”

“Absolutely everything!” she responded excitedly.

I groaned aloud.

*****

The next half an hour was quite grueling. After having several personal secrets revealed, but not without interjecting a few jabs of my own, we finally were closing in on our destination. “…And that’s the story of my whole entire life. Well, up until today,” Spike finished his monologue of doom. “Do you want to hear about today?” he asked hopefully.

“Oh, yes please!”

Oh no. Not this time, buddy. It was naptime. “I am SO sorry. How did we get here so fast?” I swear, the sarcasm in my voice was so tangible I could almost taste it. “This is where I’m staying while I’m in Ponyville, and my poor baby dragon needs his sleep.”

“No I don-whoooaa!” He began to protest, so I promptly kicked him off of me. That little suck-up! Abandoning me like that! Of course he wanted to sleep. We both did! Nonsense, all of it.

“Aww, wook at that. He’s so sweepy he can’t even keep his widdle bawance,” I cooed in a purposefully demeaning voice. Oh wow, that glare. THAT was satisfying. Fluttershy, of course, immediately swept him up into her forelegs.

“Poor thing. You simply must get into bed!” She promptly barged her way into my new home. Quick as a flash, I somehow managed to get him out of her grasp and shove her out the door.

“Yes, yes. We’ll get right on that. Well, goodnight!” And with that, I promptly slammed the door in her face. Frankly I didn’t care much for her, either. Wouldn’t even talk to me. I turned around to see a rather peeved young dragon.

“Huh. Rude much?”

“Oh, hush you. We both know that it’s time to hit the hay. I mean, come on! It’s been at least five hours without a nap. I get cranky, you know. I just need to be alone so I can sleep without a bunch of crazy ponies trying to make friends all the time!” I suddenly realized that I didn’t actually know where my bed was, so I would have to turn on the lights. “Now, where’s the light?”

Oh if only I knew how bad of an idea that was.

“SURPRISE!”

*****

“Surprise!” Oh sweet Celestia help me. It was the crazy pink cotton candy pony from earlier. “Hi, I’m Pinkie Pie, and I threw this party just for you! Were you surprised? Were you? Were you? Huh huh huh huh?” Oh goodness gracious. She was absolutely loony.

“Very surprised!” I quite honestly replied. “Libraries are supposed to be QUIET,” I continued, hoping she’d catch my drift.

No such luck. I struggle to think of a denser pony I’ve had the misfortune of meeting. She simply laughed it off. “That’s silly! What kind of welcome party would this be if it were quiet?” And then she started touching me. Seriously, she started to rub her head against mine. Really? We’d just met! Give a mare some space! “I mean, duh! Boooriiing! You see, I saw you when you first got here, remember? You were all ‘hello’ and I was all ‘HUUUH,’ remember? You see, I never…blah blah blah lonely, blah blah blah sad, blah blah blah super ginormous party, blah blah blah…”

Okay, I’ll be honest. I totally tuned her out. And I thought Applejack could run her mouth. This pony REALLY took the cake in that regard. Completely ignoring what she was saying, I headed over to the refreshments table. Might as well get a drink. Pinkie kept yapping the entire time. I briefly wondered where Spike got off to. He was probably napping, the little deserter.

I tuned back in to channel Pinkie as I poured myself some reddish punch and started to drink. “See? And now you have lots and lots of friends!” I turned around and was most surprised to see all the ponies I’d met over the day. Applejack, the most tolerable of the bunch who I might actually try to befriend. Rainbow Dash, the pony so full of herself I felt like beating my head against a wall. Rarity, the pony whom I might also actually try to befriend in the hopes she’s not nearly as crazy as the others. Fluttershy, the pony who would rather talk to Spike than me. And finally, Pinkie Pie, the crazy pink pony psychopath. Woohoo. ‘Friends.’ If this is what Celestia had in mind she is one cruel teacher…

I think I must’ve worn an expression of utter disbelief on my face because Applejack suddenly frowned and asked, “are you all right, sugarcube?” Truthfully, I’m not sure if I was more disbelieving at the fact that Pinkie tried to pass the group off as my friends or at the fact that I had just drank a glass of hot sauce. Which really wasn’t that bad, honestly. I could handle it just fine. I’ve eaten many a bag of jalapeno chips in my days. But still. What was hot sauce doing at the refreshments table?

“Um…Pinkie, why is there hot sauce on the refreshments table?”

Pinkie grinned and grabbed a bottle of the sauce, pouring it all over a poor cupcake. “So that I can do this, of course!” And she promptly devoured the hot sauce-covered cupcake.

Okay, that was disgusting. I almost lost my delicious lunch. For like the third time today. Seriously, I just needed to get away from these crazy ponies and take an hour or five to nap and digest. No! More! Craziness!

I hastily excused myself to my room for some much-needed R&R. Hah. As if that would happen…

*****

Hours. That party kept going for HOURS. VERY. LOUDLY. It was official: I was in a very bad mood. It was early in the morning by now, and I still hadn’t gotten any sleep. Like I said earlier, if I go much more than six hours without some form of sleep, the world had better watch out. I felt just about ready to go downstairs and kick a particularly poofy pink flank straight out the door.

It was at that moment that the door opened and the little traitor walked in, wearing what appeared to be a lampshade on his head. Hmph. How ridiculous. “Hey, Twilight! How’s it going?”

I glared at him in response. “Spike! What are you doing down there supporting that racket? Do you know what time it is?”

Spike simply rolled his eyes. “It’s almost time for the Summer Sun Celebration, duh. Now come on, Twilight. I love sleeping as much as the next pony, but Pinkie Pie sure knows how to throw a killer party. We’re just about to start ‘Pin the Tail on the Pony’! You wanna come?”

“No!” I shouted vehemently. “All the ponies in this town are CRAZY!” I rolled my eyes to emphasize my point.

Spike sighed defeatedly. “Oh come off it, Twi. You know we have to stay up anyways or else we’ll miss the Princess raise the sun! You really should lighten up, Twilight. It’s a party, after all!”

“Nananana I can’t hear you! Nananana!” I replied belligerently, stuffing a pillow around my head to block out any noise. I heard the door close as he left the room, clearly giving up on rousing me from my grouchiness. And boy, was I grouchy. Here I thought I had some time to catch a nice, quality nap, but NOOOO. Silly me! All this ridiculous ‘friend-making’ kept me from it! Next time I see Pinkie, I swear to Celestia I’ll…

Whatever. I huffed in annoyance and gazed absentmindedly out the window. For some reason, my gaze was drawn to the Mare in the Moon, and my mind flicked back to the prophecy I read earlier. “Bah. It’s just an old pony’s tale. The Princess has it handled,” I muttered softly to myself.

Suddenly, my door burst open yet again and Spike walked back in. “Come on Twilight! It’s time to watch the sun rise!”

I frowned in annoyance, but nonetheless followed him downstairs. I was more than delighted to see that the library was now empty, but less than enthused to see the mess left in the wake of the party. I huffed again as we headed out the door towards Town Square.

*****

I yawned tiredly as I stood amongst the quietly mumbling crowd waiting for the epic sunrise. I wasn’t particularly excited, honestly. I’d already seen the Summer Sun Celebration several times over. Usually after a decent night’s sleep, too. This one was getting marked down in the books as ‘entirely forgettable.’

Suddenly, I was jolted awake by a hyperactive voice that began yammering nonstop next to me. “Hey, Twilight! Isn’t this exciting? Are you excited? Cause I’m excited! I’ve never been so excited! Well, except for that one time…”

Pinkie Pie.

There she goes again, yapping a mile a minute. I shot her my best uncaring glare I could muster, which she of course ignored, so I had to settle for simply ignoring her. Wow, she sure could talk. “…but I mean, really. Who could top that?” I wouldn’t know. I didn’t know the half of what she actually said. For all I knew we could’ve been talking about that one time we met each other in town and she went ‘HUUUH’ and I thought she was a psychopath.

With perfect timing, I was saved from future interactions with Pinkie by the sudden music of a bird choir starting up. That must be Fluttershy. Sure enough, the yellow pegasus was conducting a group of a dozen or so birds singing. How adorable.

The spotlight soon fell to the Mayor of Ponyville. I looked her over. She seemed alright. Maybe she was less crazy than everypony else in this Celestia-forsaken hick town. “Fillies and gentlecolts! As Mayor of Ponyville, it is my great pleasure to announce the beginning of the Summer Sun Celebration!” A cheer went up through the crowd. Pinkie went totally nuts. I yawned in boredom.

“In just a few moments,” the Mayor continued. “Our town will witness the magic of the sunrise and celebrate this, the longest day of the year! And now, it is my great honor to introduce to you the ruler of our land, the very pony who gives us the sun and the moon each and every day, the good, the wise, the bringer of harmony to all of Equestria…” Okay, I felt this was a bit much. As Celestia’s personal student, I could’ve added a few less-than-flattering descriptions to that list. But the ponies around me were practically bursting with excitement, of course.

“Princess Celestia!” The birds played again. The curtains parted. The crowd inhaled in anticipation. I yawned again.

…But there was nopony on stage. The crowd gasped in surprise. I actually let out a guffaw of laughter, but was able to suppress it quickly. I doubted it was heard over the general commotion. The crowd began to panic a bit and whisper to each other in rapid, hushed voices. I, for one, quickly changed my opinion of this Summer Sun Celebration to ‘most eventful one thus far,’ and snickered happily to myself. Hah! She totally stood this crowd up! What a ruler.

The Mayor, naturally, tried to calm everypony down. “Remain calm, everypony! There must be a reasonable explanation.”

At that point, Pinkie started going nuts again. “Ooh, ooh! I LOVE guessing games! Is she hiding?” I was about to open my mouth to start leading her on when Rarity spoke from the balcony.

“She’s gone!” The crowd, of course, gasped in alarm.

“Ooooh, she’s gooood,” Pinkie cooed. I came SO close to facehoofing. Suddenly, Pinkie let out a shriek of alarm. Well, THAT was new. I wonder what-

Oh. Nightmare Moon was standing on the podium. Haha, fancy that. “Uh oh,” I muttered. “The prophecy was true after all…” Spike promptly fainted. The building fell into an awkward silence as Nightmare Moon regarded us all coldly.

“Oh, my beloved subjects…” she began haughtily. “It’s been so long since I’ve seen your precious little sun-loving faces.”

Ever the brave one, Rainbow Dash burst out. “What did you do with our Princess?” Actually, that was not a bad question. How did she fall for this nonsense? I even pointed the myth out to her, and yet she still got beaten by Nightmare Moon! Wow. Fail. Just goes to show: I’m awesome and she needs to get her head in the game.

Nightmare Moon laughed haughtily. “Why? Am I not royal enough for you? Don’t you know who I am?”

Pinkie Pie once again decided to open her big, dumb mouth. “Ooh, ooh! More guessing games!” I could no longer resist the urge to facehoof as the pink pony began to rattle off several awful guesses at her name. Applejack beat me to the punch by mere seconds when she stuffed an apple into Pinkie’s mouth. Huh. That was surprisingly effective. I’d have to remember that one.

“Does my crown no longer count now that I’ve been imprisoned for a thousand years?” she asked cruelly. “Did you not recall the legend? Did you not see the signs?”

For some reason, I felt the urge to speak up. Maybe it was just to wipe that smug expression off of her face. Or maybe I’m just an idiot. “I did. I know who you are.” Desired effect achieved. Undesired side-effects include suddenly being the center of attention for an immortal evil goddess. “You’re the Mare in the Moon: Nightmare Moon,” I casually continued, hoping she’d be more thrilled at the panic I caused than angry at my outburst. The crowd gasped as if this was some big shocker. Seriously, you ponies. You really need to, ahem, ‘read’ more.

“Well, well, well. Somepony who remembers me. Then you also know why I’m here,” she replied nonchalantly.

“Yeah. You’re here to bring about ‘eternal night.’” I said with a smirk. “Big whoop,” I added under my breath. Honestly, half of me hoped it was true. Then I could sleep, like, forever…

Unfortunately, the townsfolk around me evidently did not share my sentiments and began to full-on panic. Nightmare Moon cackled deviously. “Indeed! Remember this day, little ponies, for it was your last! From this moment forward, the night will last forever! AHAHAHAHA!!” Ah, yes. Cue the maniacal laughter. I rolled my eyes. So generic. She was so stereotypically evil she almost seemed straight out of one of my books.

It was at this point that the Mayor finally decided to take action. “Seize her!” she cried. “Only she knows where the Princess is!” It was then that I realized that there were actually still royal guards abo-oooh. Never mind, not any more. With a cry of ‘stand back, you foals!’ Nightmare Moon sent them sprawling with a couple of lightning bolts. Heh. They’re just as lame as their matriarch. But still. What the hay were they doing this entire time?

It was then that the irate ex-Princess decided to turn into a tacky little cloud of black smoke and head out the door. Rainbow Dash, ever eager to prove her worth, or perhaps bone-headedness, followed. The resulting panic that followed was evidenced by a large stampede towards the now open doors. As if we couldn’t just leave before. I myself also made my way to the exit, calmly but perhaps a bit more hurriedly than I could have.

But hey. It was eternal night now. And that only meant one thing to me: naptime! Looking about, I was pleased to see no sign of Pinkie Pie. Excellent, I lost her. The crazy psychopath…

The trip back to the library was uneventful. I laid Spike in his bed, whom I graciously scooped off the floor, and then headed up to mine. Ahh, peace at last. I had just settled down into those wonderful sheets when the unthinkable happened.

There was a sudden rapid knocking at the door.

That better not be who I think it is…

Author's Note

Woohoo! Another brilliant idea. Let's just see where this goes. I'm pretty excited, personally. I look forward to working with this Twilight.

Note: This chapter is particularly close to canon because of my main goal to keep the other members of the Mane Six as canon as possible. Significant deviations shall follow in ensuing chapters.

NoteNote: WOW. I was hopeful, but this is, like, beyond my wildest dreams. Thank you guys so much for all the attention and positive feedback! This has truly been a very exciting day for me. I look forward to providing you all with future entertainment!

Let me know what you think! Feedback is always welcome.
Cheers!
Shanenator

Something From Nothing, Part Two

A Series of Inexplicably Convenient Events

Original Concept Written and Edited by Shanenator

Chapter Two: Something From Nothing, Part Two

*****

Knock.

Why was I doing this? Why was I even answering the door? In hindsight, I really should have just bolted it down and ignored whoever it was that dared disturb my much-needed slumber. Maybe I just wanted to be nice. Maybe I was actually starting to open up a little bit.

Or maybe it’s just incredibly hard to sleep with somepony pounding on your front door.

Knock.

Closer still I drew. I was almost certain I knew who it was. Why me? Why now? Hadn’t they tortured me enough?

Knock.

I paused before the door, hesitating one final time. Dare I open it? Dare I invoke the incredible powers of annoyance that were? Alas, I really had no choice. It was my assignment to make friends, and it would be foolish to throw away five ponies who already consider me their ‘friend.’ I definitely didn’t want to go through that whole process again.

Thunka-thunka-thunka-thunka-thu…

I blinked in confusion. What the heck was that sound? It sounded like somepony was slamming their forehead into the door repeatedly. How…amusing, actually. My curiosity got the better of me and I pulled the door open.

Pinkie Pie.

Of course it was Pinkie Pie. And of course she was totally bonkers enough to slam her forehead into my front door repeatedly. I had little doubt the two occurrences were related. As soon as I opened the door, however, she stopped mid-stroke and immediately straightened up, that admittedly infectious smile plastered on her face. “Heya, Twilight! We need to talk to you about Black Snooty, and it’s REEEAALLLLY important! So, can we come in?”

Can they come in. She wanted to know if the five most intolerable, indolent, incompetent, insidious, insufferable, insipid, interrogative, invasive, insolent, indecent, and inadequate ponies I’d ever had the displeasure of meeting could come in. Ugh. I can’t believe I know this many words that start with ‘in.’ Clearly I study too much. Better cut back.

“No.”

Their faces fell into an assorted motley of frowns, grimaces, and in one case a particularly vicious snarl that should’ve probably frightened me were it not for the colorful shock of hair above it that reminded me of fruity candies.

Hah. So gay.

“Twilight dear, this is quite important! You simply must tell us what you know about Nightmare Moon!” Rarity spoke up. She seemed quite distressed. I suppose I understood why. Making dresses in the dark would probably be just a tad difficult.

However…how the hay did they know that I knew what I knew and still know? “Hey!” I began rather angrily. “How did you know I knew something about Nightmare Moon? Are you all spies or something?”

I suddenly got a faceful of blue fur, rainbow mane, and rose-colored eyes, furrowed in considerable anger to boot. “Hey! Just what IS this so-called prophecy? And how did YOU know about Nightmare Moon, huh? I think the real question is: are YOU the spy?”

And with that line, my internal sensor that measures potential for sarcastic responses went crazy. “Oh yeah, I’m TOTALLY a spy,” I began, rolling my eyes. “I’m the personal student of Celestia, sent to spy on how totally boring your lives are.”

Rainbow looked infuriated. She didn’t buy my response, obviously. But she was getting pretty mad. Which was almost as funny. “Why, you little-woah!”

Applejack decided to intervene and grabbed Rainbow by the tail, yanking her to the ground. “Simmer down, Sally,” she said calmly, spitting out the rainbow-colored tail. “She ain’t no spy.” Rainbow looked about to vehemently contest that point but at the looks she received from the other four she quieted down. “But she sure knows what’s going on, don’t ya Twilight?” finished Applejack.

“Maybe I do, maybe I don’t,” I responded snarkily, still quite upset at Rainbow’s outburst. Accusing me of being a spy…the nerve! “You still haven’t answered my question.”

“Pinkie heard ya mutter somethin’ bout a prophecy,” Applejack answered calmly. Wow, she heard that? Impressive. “Twilight,” she continued, her voice remaining comfortably level. “We can all see that somethin’s got yer tail inna knot. Y’all right?”

“All right?” I responded incredulously. “All right?” My voice raised in pitch. Fluttershy backed away a pace. I think my eye twitched. “No, I am not all right!” I bellowed.

Applejack stood her ground. “What’s th’ matter, Twilight? Maybe we can help ya.” The look on my face probably suggested otherwise. She sighed in defeat. “All right, but will ya at least help us out? We’re tryin’ ta prevent eternal night here.”

I scoffed. I opened my mouth, fully prepared to explain why I for one embraced our new overlord, but unfortunately my brain decided to actually function right then. It has an unfortunate habit of doing that. All this studying rubs off on me. Seriously, it’s a bad influence.

Anyways, I finally realized what ‘eternal night’ might actually entail. No sunlight. Which meant no plants. Which meant no food. And I, for one, was rather fond of food. I…I suppose there was no harm in helping them try to prevent ‘eternal night.’ At least they’d get out of my mane once they got the information they desired. Besides…it WAS the right thing to do…and technically I WAS the new librarian…

No words came out of said open mouth. Simply a long, exasperated sigh. I dragged a forehoof across my face in a further sign of my frustrations. “I’m sorry,” I muttered softly, yet still rather unconvincingly. “It’s been quite some time since I’ve gotten any sleep. If I don’t get my sleep I get…grouchy.”

“Grouchy’s an understatement,” Rainbow grumbled. A glare from Applejack silenced her. I decided then and there that I actually rather liked the apple-farming mare. She reminded me of myself a bit: she didn’t put up with stupid.

“All right, I’ll help,” I grumbled in annoyance. My five ‘guests’ all looked a bit more relaxed at that. That actually…kinda felt good. Agreeing to help others.

But only a little bit.

“As a requirement of my studies, I must be a very widely read and perpetually scholarly unicorn…” Oh gosh, Twilight, keep a straight face… “As such, I read about the prophecy in a book called ‘Predictions and Prophecies,’ which is still in the Canterlot library. I did, however, notice a small footnote it had that read ‘see the Elements of Harmony.’ I’ve unfortunately never heard of them before, but there might be a book on those somewhere in here.” I paused and looked around. There were lots and lots and LOTS of books. “Although, it may take a while to find it…”

“The Elements of Harmony: A Reference Guide,” Pinkie suddenly spoke up.

“Yeah, that’s probably the kind of book we’re looking for,” I responded in a monotone. Gosh that pony could be so dense…

“Yeah, and I found it! It’s right here, see?”

Oh…wow. She actually managed to do something useful. “What? How did you find that?”

“It was under EEEEeeee!” she sang merrily.

“…Oh,” I responded, before chuckling slightly. That’s right! This wasn’t my library, so things were actually where they were supposed to be! Back in Canterlot, whenever Spike and I didn’t feel like re-shelving books properly, which happened a fair amount I must say, we’d just throw the books into the ‘Q’ section. It always seemed lonely.

Or the ‘Z’ or the ‘X’ or the ‘J.’ We’re also big fans of Scrabble.

I took the rather large book from Pinkie and looked it over. “Hmm. I can’t say that I’m familiar with this particular volume. Must not have it up at Canterlot.”

I heard a snicker from Rainbow. “Heh. Well-read, indeed.”

I glared at her. “Oh hush, if I was done with my studies I’d already be a princess or whatever it is Celestia has planned for me.” A sudden cold wind blew in through the door and chilled my spine.

Whoa. Creepy.

“Anyways, let’s see what it says,” I continued huffily, flipping the book open. “There are six Elements of Harmony,” I read from a promising-looking passage. “But only five are known. Kindness, Laughter, Generosity, Honesty, and Loyalty. The sixth is a complete mystery. It is said the last known location of the five Elements was in the ancient castle of the Royal Pony Sisters.” I snapped the book shut with a satisfying *snick* and put it back on the shelf. Under ‘Z.’ Which was what I really wanted at the moment…

“So, there ya go!” I said in what I hoped was a convincingly cheerful voice. I just REALLY wanted these ponies to leave so that I could sleep. Oh, yeah…that would be so wonderful… My thoughts flicked unbidden to the dragon I knew was sleeping upstairs right that moment. My resolve hardened. “I guess you’re all set now, eh? Go get ‘em, champs!”

Applejack tilted her head. “Ya ain’t comin’ with us?”

I dropped all pretense of cordiality and gave her my firmest deadpan stare. I liked her, I really did…but that was a dumb question. “Now why in the wide, wide world of Equestria would I do that?”

Applejack blinked. “Because we gotta try an’ stop Nightmare Moon?”

“No we don’t,” I quipped back.

“Because it’s the right thing to do?” Rainbow butted in angrily.

“Don’t care.”

“Because it would be fun?” Pinkie asked hopefully.

“Oh, please. Don’t make me laugh.”

I…don’t really know what happened next. Pinkie’s mane just…deflated. Like a balloon. I could’ve sworn I even heard the sound of rushing air. She looked really sad too. Why the hay was she sad? Nothing happened! Was it something I said? Not like I cared. But evidently the crazy pink psychopath was bi-polar, too. Great, just what I needed.

“You…don’t want me to make you laugh?” she asked sadly, staring right at me. Were those tears in her eyes? …Wait. All of this…because she misinterpreted my idiom? I…I…

I prayed to Celestia to smite me where I stood. I didn’t want to deal with this complete and utter nonsense anymore. Unfortunately, our beloved ruler hit par for the course and utterly failed to grant my wishes. So now I had to handle the crazy one myself. I wisely opted to ignore her completely.

“Because…” the thoughtful voice of Rarity sounded from near the door. “Well. Princess Celestia is in trouble and you are her personal student! I imagine she would not take kindly to hearing that you didn’t lift a hoof to help her. What is it that teachers do to students they’re displeased with, again? It’s been a while since I went to school…” she trailed off, observing our reactions as she tapped her chin thoughtfully.

Her friends were snickering. Particularly Rainbow. I felt just about ready to explode. “Give them extra homework?” she suddenly asked. My legs froze and my eyes widened.

No…

“Assign more reading, perhaps?”

No, no, no…

“Oh, that’s right! Detention!”

I literally leaped into the air and screamed: “NNNNOOOOOOO!!” The silence following that little outburst was tangible. Everypony looked at me expectantly.

“All right!” I shrieked, throwing my forehooves into the air helplessly. “I’ll help! I’m in! I’ll go with you to the castle of the Royal Pony Sisters! Which just so happens to be in…”

*****

“…THE EVERFREE FOREST??” we all chorused together as we stood before the dark and gloomy woods. I don’t know why I joined in on that. Maybe it was just to make them feel more scared. After all, I’m supposed to be Celestia’s ‘prized student.’ Or something like that. If I was ‘scared,’ then they’d be terrified. In theory, at least. Pinkie’s next outburst disproved that quite handily, however.

“Wheee! Let’s go!”

The others murmured their agreement. I made one final attempt to save my ‘eternal naptime.’ “Do I REALLY have to come along?” I grumbled.

“Well, no,” Applejack replied. “But just think about what Rarity said. Ah think there’s some truth in them words.”

Shuddering at the thought of detention, I steeled my nerves and prepared myself for some actual work. “All right. Let’s get this over with.”

Five minutes later, nothing of interest had yet happened. The forest was dark and pretty creepy-looking. I half-expected something to jump out and attack us any second. My escape plan, should this happen, was as follows: step one, scream like a maniac. Step two: run the buck away. Step three: leave my ‘friends’ to deal with the problem. I’d rather find new ones than be eaten alive in this Celestia-forsaken forest.

“So…” I began, trying to break the awkward silence. For their sake, of course. “None of you have been in here before?”

Rarity gasped as she examined her increasingly unappealing surroundings. “Heavens no! Just look at it, it’s dreadful!”

“And it ain’t natural,” Applejack added. “Folks say it don’t work the same as Equestria.” I paused at that. Being my natural lazy yet awesome self, I hadn’t ever really read into the Everfree forest.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I inquired curiously. Maybe it involved official nap times!

“Nooopony knooows,” Rainbow Dash interjected, drawing out her words in an attempt to be spooky. Her face was covered in shadows, but even those failed to hide her vibrantly colored mane. I shook my head. I doubted I’d ever be able to take her seriously. “You know why?” she continued, creeping along the ground towards a frightened Rarity, Fluttershy, and Pinkie.

“Rainbow, quit it!” Applejack interjected. I gave her an approving look. I suddenly felt a warm feeling deep inside me. Could it be? Have I actually successfully managed to make a friend for the first time in my life? How…surprisingly pleasant, actually.

“’Cause everypony who’s ever come in has never…come…OUT!” Rainbow shouted that last word, making the trio of trembling mares jump slightly. It was then that I realized we were all standing on a rocky outcrop. Which may or may not have been seismically stable.

Naturally, Rainbow’s outburst caused the cliff to give way and for all of us to start plummeting to our dooms. Rainbow and Fluttershy simply took to the air, of course. But I, being a unicorn who was exceptionally poor at magic when under intense stress, could do nothing but helplessly tumble down the rocky hillside.

“Fluttershy, quick!” I heard Rainbow call. I assumed that meant she intended for the two pegasi to help the rest of us. Perhaps unsurprisingly, no pair of hooves came to stop my descent. By the time I managed to finally stop tumbling head over hooves, my eyes widened as I realized I was rapidly approaching a sharp drop.

Releasing a cry of alarm, I twisted about and dug my hooves in the ground in a feeble attempt to slow down. It probably worked, however, as I stopped moving just after my hindquarters and rear legs slipped over the edge. Dangling over a cliff with only my forelegs supporting my weight, I was by now quite panicked. “Help!” I cried.

“Hang on, Ah’m a-comin’!” I heard Applejack cry out. Sure enough, she was deliberately sliding down the hillside towards me and soon grabbed my forehooves with hers. Yes! Thank you my most beloved friend!

“Applejack! Thank you! Quick, pull me up!” I cried desperately. Despite the strength of the hooves gripping me, I felt my own grip failing. This wasn’t surprising. One as lazy as I tends to be unable to support her own slightly-above-average body weight. I saw the strain on Applejack’s face but for some reason she seemed unable to get me to safety. Bad angle? Unstable ground? What? What was it?

“Applejack, I can’t hold on! What do I do?”

Applejack paused for a moment, seeming to stare off into the distance. “Let go,” she suddenly said.

“WHAT?” I cried in utter disbelief. “Are you CRAZY?” Was she actually my friend, or was she just acting the part so she could murder me in cold blood?

“No Ah ain’t!” she protested. “Ah promise you’ll be safe.”

“That’s not true!” I shrieked in terror. “That’s impossible!” My feelings of panic were currently reaching astronomical levels. My grip was fading fast due to my complete lack of upper body strength, and the only thing keeping me from plummeting over a hundred pony-lengths to my death wanted me to do exactly that. Some friend.

“Now listen here,” she began. “What Ah’m sayin’ ta you is th’ honest tru-woah, nelly!”

That was as far as she got. At that point, my strength finally failed me and I lost my grip on the apple farmer’s hooves. And since she was apparently unable to lift me in the first place, she couldn’t hold on and I began to fall. “AAAAAUUUGGH!” I screamed in abject horror as I dropped like a stone.

Suddenly there was a rainbow-colored blur, and I got the wind knocked out of me as my left side impacted something. Looking up, I was rewarded with the sight of a ridiculously wide smirk plastered onto a cyan-furred face. With accompanying fruity mane. Which, I soon realized after understanding the impact caused me to get a mouthful of her mane by accident, actually did taste like fruit. Huh.

“Well, well, well. Looks like it’s a good thing Equestria’s fastest flyer was here to save the day, eh?” she asked jauntily, her grin reminding me of a shark’s. Great. Just great. The first pony I’ve ever considered a friend almost murdered me and now I was indebted to the most insufferable braggart in Equestria. Wonderful.

The world went black.

*****

“And once Pinkie and Rarity were safe, whoosh! Me and Fluttershy looped-the-loop around and WHAM! Caught ya right in the nick of time,” Rainbow gleefully recounted her heroic actions. For the fifth time.

Remember that warm feeling I described earlier?

Yeah…no. That’s currently burning in a fiery pit in Tartarus.

“Yes, Rainbow. You told me already.” I glared at Applejack once again, who simply grinned sheepishly. “It shouldn’t have been necessary in the first place, though. What was up with that?” I angrily asked.

“Ehehe,” Applejack stuttered weakly. “Sorry ‘bout th’ whole droppin’ thing, Twilight, but Ah couldn’t get a good grip ta pull ya up. Ah was about ta tell ya ta let go anyways, but Ah didn’t quite get th’ chance ta finish. Ah knew y’all would be alright, though.”

I rolled my eyes. Sure she did. Dumb hick farmer. “And that’s where I came in!” Rainbow boasted proudly, thrusting her chest forward.

“Yes, Rainbow. I was there. And I suppose I’m grateful for tha-” Fortunately, my begrudging thankfulness was cut off by a sudden loud interruption before us. Unfortunately, said interruption turned out to be a large, angry, dangerous, totally-not-friendly, could-easily-kill-a-pony-in-a-few-moments manticore.

My jaw dropped. I’d never seen a manticore before. I had, however, actually been forced to do some reading on the subject at one point. And I knew that they were very, very dangerous. “A…manticore…” I stuttered weakly, rather unable to comprehend the quickly-realizable fact that the forest was actively trying to kill us all.

It was time to enact my brilliant escape plan. “EVERYPONY FOR THEMSELVES!” I screamed as loudly as I could and immediately bolted into the surrounding woods. Maybe I could lose it in the trees. Behind me, the manticore roared loudly. My ‘friends’ screamed and the audible hoofsteps suggested they were scattering. I redoubled my efforts to escape. I heard Fluttershy weakly call ‘wait’ but I ignored her. What did she think she could do, reason with it? Hah. Fat chance.

I don’t know how long I ran through the woods, branches and leaves whipping at my face. I almost lost my hoofing a couple of times but managed to keep running. Unfortunately, my utter lack of physical competence eventually brought me to a stop, wheezing and panting as I tried to catch my breath.

I lifted my head and listened for a moment. Nothing. Nothing but my own gasping breaths. No roaring manticores. No screaming ponies. It would appear that I was safe for the moment. My brilliant plan was a brilliant success. “Phew…all right, I’m done. No more of this accursed forest. I’m going to go home and SLEEP,” I muttered to myself between pants. Looking around, I searched for the path out of here.

…Only there was none.

My eyes widened in fear as I realized I was currently lost in the Everfree forest filled with ravenous manticores, collapsing cliffs, and Celestia-knows-what-else.

Aw, ponyfeathers.

*****

Stupid.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. It was all stupid. All of it. Stupid forest. Stupid ‘friends.’ Stupid Celestia. This was all her fault, anyways.

Stupid.

I had no idea how long I’d been wandering around in the wilderness. It could’ve been thirty minutes or two hours as far as I was concerned. I was tired, cold, hungry, and scared. And to top it all off, I think I was starting to get a bit delirious too. I kept imagining stupid faces on all the trees.

Stupid.

My ears perked up as they detected a sound. Instinctively, I started to move towards it. A small voice in my head told me that it might be a trap, but I had to chance it. It had been so long since anything had happened. All I wanted was to get home and sleep.

The sound grew closer. Was it…singing? I reached a small clearing and poked my head out from behind a tree. My jaw dropped at what I beheld.

“Giggle at the ghostly, guffaw at the grossly, crack up at the creepy, whoop it up with the weepy…”

…Pinkie Pie. Was singing. And dancing. And all the others were laughing hysterically. But still, SINGING. About all these dumb trees. Which I realized did, in fact, have creepy faces for some reason. There are a lot of things that I hate, but one of the things that’s really, REALLY high on that list is singing. Especially about something as dumb as trees.

No…no, not the trees! Not the trees! “AAAAAUUUGGH!” I screamed in abject terror for the third time since entering those blasted woods and promptly bolted in the exact opposite direction I came.

Or, at least I think I did. Either way, I was far too busy running and screaming to pay attention to where I was going, and before I realized what I’d done I was sailing in mid-air.

I had run off a cliff. And was beginning to fall. Towards a rapidly churning river.

“HEEEELLLP!” I screamed uselessly as gravity finally took hold. As I prepared myself for my imminent doom, I reflected on how it would be quite useful if I could actually use that self-levitation spell I was supposed to be working on. Maybe I should put some effort into learning it.

Hmmm…nah.

The river was drawing closer, and I could see that I was going to land right smack-dab in the middle of it. Just my luck. I took a deep breath in anticipation and closed my eyes, hoping for the best.

Ouch time.

*SPLASH!*

Ah! Cold! Why was it so cold? These thoughts were promptly pushed away as more important ones began to surface. Which way was up? Where was the air? OH PLEASE SOMEPONY HELP ME!

I began to panic. I was completely disoriented by the admittedly painful impact and the cold shock. At the rate things were going, I probably was going to get hypothermia. All I could do was flail helplessly as I was dragged along by the powerful currents.

Suddenly, I felt my back scrape against something grainy. The bottom! Hope! Quickly, I turned myself over and braced my hooves against the sandy riverbed. Pushing off, I swam desperately for what I hoped to be the surface.

I gasped loudly as my head breached the water, sucking down wonderful lungfuls of air as I thanked Celestia I was alive. I promptly gasped again and rescinded said thanks just before I slammed face-first into a large boulder sticking out of the water.

All I could see was stars. “Ow…my face…” I groaned after managing to pry my face off of the smooth, cold surface with a soft *pop*. Suddenly, the current shifted and I was dragged off of my painful, but admittedly stable, perch. “Nonononono-AAAUUGH! HEEEEELLP!”

Thus began my epic trip down the Everfree river. I have no idea if it’s called that, but if not it is now. The next five minutes or so were spent flailing helplessly, fighting for every breath of air, and screaming like a maniac whenever I got a chance. I swear, my voice was going to give out sooner or later. I grimaced as I saw a sharp bend coming up. I hoped against all hope there was nothing unexpected around that corner.

As it turned out, there was probably the most unexpected thing possible waiting for me. I had no time to react.

WHAM!

“Oh?” a voice called out. “What was that?” Somehow, my completely addled brain registered the fact that somepony asked a question, and naturally it formed the most infuriatingly sarcastic response possible. Unfortunately, the only thing both of us heard was a stifled mumble.

Another great line of history lost forever.

I finally returned to my senses and attempted to register what it was, exactly, that I had hit. It didn’t feel like a rock. It was jagged and course…almost like scales. I pulled my face back, blearily blinked open my eyes, and took in the mysterious object I was being pressed against by the…now nonexistent current? Wow, I must’ve hit my head harder than I thought…

And why was this surface purple?

“Oh dear!” the voice continued. “Are you alright?” I looked up towards the source of the voice and paled in fear. The source of the voice, about ten pony-lengths above me, was a purple sea serpent. Who happened to sport an impressively-styled mane and mustache.

“Uh…” I responded intelligently, unable to really comprehend what was going on. “Don’t eat me…” I wasn’t entirely sure what sea serpents ate, seeing as I’d never really read up on them, but it couldn’t hurt to be careful.

The sea serpent pretended to gag in disgust. “Oh my! Heavens, no! I could never even CONSIDER eating a pony!” he cried in distress, placing an arm across his forehead in mock distress. Oh, brother. His antics reminded me of Rarity.

“Where…where am I?” I inquired blearily, hitting the side of my head in a feeble attempt to dislodge the water in my ears.

“In the Everfree forest, of course! Where else?” Where else indeed. Thanks for the helpful response, smartass. …Actually, that sounded like something I would say. Maybe this sea serpent wasn’t so bad after all.

“Ugh…can I get to the shore please?” I asked wearily.

“Of course!” the voice responded jubilantly. “Which one?” He gestured to the two sides of the now-calm river. That fact took a moment to sink in.

“Hey, wait a minute,” I began, previous query completely forgotten. “What happened to the river? I was caught in raging rapids just a moment ago!”

The sea serpent flushed red and twiddled his fingers. “Oh, um…that…might have been me, I’m afraid. Terribly sorry about that. I was…excited.”

I glared up at him. “Wait, what? How could you have caused an entire river to run wild?” I asked incredulously.

“Like this,” he responded as he began to thrash his considerably long length about. Sure enough, the river began to stir, and soon enough it was raging just as hard as before. It took every ounce of willpower I had to not blow up at him. After all, I still wasn’t sure I trusted him on the ‘didn’t eat ponies’ bit.

“Well,” I huffed irritably. “Could you please be so kind as to NOT do that? I’m pretty sure it almost got me killed.”

The serpent looked about ready to cry. “Oh dear! How horrid! I am so SO sorry, today has been a rather emotional day. Now please, allow me to help you. Which shore should I place you on?”

I briefly considered that. I glanced left and then right. Both shores looked the same, honestly. Which way to go? “I’m afraid I don’t know the answer to that,” I replied. “I’m kind of lost. Do you…” the question died in my throat as I looked up at him again. How I failed to initially notice what was obviously a piece of Rarity’s tail grafted to the side of his face, I will never know.

“Your mustache!” I cried in surprise. “Where did you get it?”

The serpent’s face lit up in glee. “Oooh! You mean this? Well, here I was just minding my own business…”

I’m afraid I have no memory of the next few minutes.

I believe that what should have been a fairly short response was turned into a lengthy and undoubtedly highly-detailed account of crimes against fabulosity, a series of compliments by a certain impressively fashion-savvy mare, and the resulting solution to what was obviously a life-threatening catastrophe that said mare so generously resolved. An obnoxiously unnecessary narrative that could have been easily boiled down to ‘Rarity fixed my mustache.’

Quite unsurprisingly, given my actions towards Pinkie Pie thus far, the excessively long and utterly boring monologue probably caused my brain to temporarily shut off and ignore the entirety of what was said. Thus, I suppose it’s no surprise that when I finally returned to the realm of the living I was both inexplicably ticked off and utterly confused.

“Uhh…so ponies?” I asked hopefully. The sea serpent nodded in acknowledgement. So my ‘friends’ managed to survive the manticore. Or at least some of them. “Which way?” He pointed to his right. “That’s the way I’ll go then, please.”

“But of course!” he declared dramatically before scooping me up, admittedly quite gently, and setting me on the right-hand-side bank. “Always happy to help!”

“Thanks,” I muttered as a shiver went down my back. I’m pretty sure that soaking in the cold water like a zombie was not particularly good for my health. Stupid monologues. I made a mental note to tell Spike if he ever caught me monologuing to slap me across the face. I sneezed.

“Oh dear! You must be freezing! Here, this should help,” the sea serpent spoke again, holding out a purple towel. I paused at that. Where did he get the towel? I looked up into his face questioningly, but he just kept smiling. I wordlessly took the towel and began to dry off.

A few moments later, I felt much better. “Thanks,” I said as I handed the towel back. This time, I was actually quite sincere. “I think I might actually not have hypothermia because of that. I appreciate it.”

The sea serpent beamed. “Oh, it was no trouble at all!” He moved the damp towel behind his back and then withdrew his hand. The towel was gone.

…Odd.

“Happy to help!” the serpent continued, still beaming and completely oblivious to the fact that he apparently just shattered the laws of…well, just common sense. I wouldn’t actually know about the laws of physics because I haven’t done the reading yet.

Oh well. I had far more important things to worry about. “All right, well, thanks for all your help!” I sincerely thanked him again. “But now I’m afraid I must be on my way. Bye!” I turned and started walking down the path.

“Take care now, little pony!” he called back.

I felt that warm feeling again. He sure was nice for a sea serpent. He was kind and helpful…even if he DID monologue a bit. Another friend made! I couldn’t wait to tell Princess Celestia all about my sea serpent friend named…

…Horseapples.

I never asked his name! How can he be my friend if I don’t know his name? “Wait!” I called desperately, wheeling around and dashing back to the river.

…Nothing. The water was calm and still and there was no sign of the purple sea serpent. I huffed in disgust. Boy, I sure was bad at the whole ‘friend-making’ thing. Couldn’t even ask ponies their names. I started walking down the path again with an air of disappointment. Back to the drawing board, I guessed. Or rather, my posse of ‘friends.’ Assuming they weren’t all dead.

Hmmm…no, this was unacceptable. What were the chances Celestia personally knew the sea serpent? Given her recent string of abject failures I would say ‘low.’ It’s settled, then. His name was now Stephen Magnet. Best. Name. Ever.

Now with a considerable spring in my step, I much more happily headed down the path, eager to get home and sleep.

Only later would I learn that Stephen misinterpreted my question as ‘which way did they go’ rather than ‘which way did they come from’…

*****

Well, this was new.

I stared down into the misty depths of the crevasse, attempting to see if there was anything down there. I could barely make out the form of an old rope bridge hanging forlornly from the opposite side. Somepony had cut this side loose. How strange. And unfortunate.

What was perhaps even more strange was how I missed this giant chasm on my way into the forest. I’m pretty sure I would’ve noticed something like that. But then again, I was busy running around through the woods without any sense of direction. It was entirely possible that I had bypassed this obstacle completely.

That being said, and also lacking the ability to reach across the chasm with my magic to fix the bridge, I opted to begin walking around. It must seal off eventually if I managed to get around it earlier. I should really work on my magic range sometime. Or…I could sleep some more. Yeah, that sounds good.

After about thirty minutes of walking through the mist next to the giant chasm, there was still no crossing in sight. I frowned in frustration. How did I get across? Did I really take such a roundabout route? I DID fall in that river earlier. Perhaps that carried me far off course. Okay, so walking around seemed to be a bust. Was there any other way to get across?

I studied the opposite side longingly. Was it just me, or did it appear to be closer? Perhaps by a few pony-lengths, yes. Interesting. Was there a log nearby? Or a hanging vine?

Or I could always…teleport.

I frowned in thought. I was BAD at teleportation. I’d only managed to pull it off a couple of times, and never over such a large distance. But then again…I really, REALLY wanted to get home and sleep. I needed to get out of this forest as soon as possible or I’d wind up dead for sure.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

I closed my eyes and began to gather my will. I reached deep inside of me and pulled at the magic within. It took a couple of tries, but eventually I managed to get a hold of it. I pictured the opposite side in my mind, focusing on it intently. I want…to be there…

I cast the spell.

Even with my eyes closed I could see the bright purple flash. When it subsided, I found my hooves were still on solid ground. So far so good. I tentatively opened my eyes to examine my surroundings. Still misty. Still next to the gorge.

…Did it work? How was I supposed to know? I suddenly remembered a rotten stump I had focused on. Turning to my left, I did indeed see a rotting stump.

Yes! I did it! Take that Celestia!

I mentally crossed ‘study for test next Tuesday’ off of my mental list of things to do. If I could do it once, I could do it whenever, right? Totally. No need to worry about it.

Happily, I skipped off into the misty gloom.

*****

Okay, I DEFNITELY was lost. I don’t ever remember walking past what appeared to be a pile of ruins. I honestly don’t know how else to describe what I saw. There were stones and overgrowth everywhere. I could see the remains of a stone floor spreading out before me, green with moss and other plant life. There were a few rough walls here and there, and traces of rooms, but nothing much else.

Was this…an old castle? Or fort? It had to be. But who would ever be insane enough to build something in the middle of the Everfree? I mean, in a few hours alone I’d almost died like five times.

My mind flicked back to the book in the library. I briefly considered this might be the ancient castle of the Royal Pony Sisters, but immediately discarded that idea. One, what I was looking at looked nothing like the picture in the book, and two, I was heading back to Ponyville, not deeper into the forest. The castle was on the other side of the river, the way Stephen had told me the others had gone.

So…what was this then? I puzzled over it for a moment, wracking my brains for anything I might have ‘read,’ but came up blank. Oh, well. Might as well keep going. But then, I had a thought.

Ruins in the Everfree forest. What if there was treasure about? My mind quickly conjured up several images of gold and jewels. What if it made me wealthy? I could have whatever I wanted! Fancy food! Personal servants! Fame, power, and stallions! Grinning happily, I resolved to take a look around, at least for a little while.

*****

What a total bust.

The castle was completely barren as far as I could tell. Almost nothing was left! There were a few walls and pillars here and there suggesting there was once rooms and hallways, but it was all pretty much gone by now. Hmph. How lame. What a waste of time. Now I was even more tired than before…

…What was that?

I saw a flash in the fog. At least, I’m pretty sure I did. It seemed to be high up in the air. I wondered what it could have been. I had two options, then. I could either turn tail and flee, or examine the source of the mysterious flash. After all, what if it was a stray beam of light reflecting off a giant gem? It was a possibility, right?

After a moment’s hesitation, I decided the possibility of a lifetime of luxury was worth sacrificing another few minutes of sleep. The thought briefly crossed my mind that it might be dangerous, but I quickly shrugged those worries off. I could teleport now! I could handle anything.

I walked through the fog towards the mysterious light for a few more minutes. Not once did I see the flash of light again. Soon enough, however, I did see a shape begin to loom in the gloomy mists. It was big. And tall.

I gasped as I realized it was a building of stone. Apparently part of the castle survived! My heartbeat quickened in excitement. I spied a tower up above that was probably high enough to account for the flash I saw earlier. Maybe there was treasure in there! Spying a nearby wooden door in the wall below, I headed towards it.

The door was rotten and old, but opened without complaint. Behind it was a set of stairs, curling upwards into the darkness. Screwing up my eyes in concentration, I focused and was able to get my horn to emit a faint purple light.

Good enough.

I started climbing the stairs eagerly. By the time I reached the top, I was a bit less than eager, but was still excited to see another wooden door at the top. What lay beyond? Coins? Jewels? Who knew? Reaching forward, I carefully eased the door open. It creaked slightly, but soon fell still and silent.

I peered around the room. It was quite large, and I could see an archway obviously containing some more stairs on the other side of the room. There were some pillars and big windows, but otherwise it was pretty barren.

Suddenly, a slight twinkling caught my eye. Eagerly, I bounded out from behind the door and went to examine the source. My eyes lit up with glee as I beheld what lay scattered on some sort of podium.

Crystalline fragments! Jewels! Treasure!

I rubbed my forehooves together in glee. Excellent! It was all worth it! I levitated one of the crystal fragments in front of my face to get a better look at it. What kind was it? How much was it worth? …Why was it some super dull color? It was off-white, but not in the way diamonds are.

Before I could consider the strange crystal fragment any further, something even stranger happened. The crystal began to buzz with energy. I could feel it through my magical grip. Surprised, I released my hold on the crystal and let it fall to the ground. My jaw dropped as I saw that all the crystals were sparking with energy. Suddenly, a large bolt of energy lanced out and struck me in the chest, sending me flying and tumbling across the floor.

Oh, my head…why was this forest continually trying to kill me? I allowed myself to just lie on the floor in an attempt to get my bearings back. It was then that the unthinkable happened.

“Ahem.”

My eyes flew open in shock. I looked up to see who had spoken. My eyes met a pair of turquoise draconic ones. Eyes that were narrowed in anger. Eyes that could only belong to one pony.

…I think my heart stopped. “Um…hi?” I said meekly. She said nothing. I smiled disarmingly. I could’ve sworn I heard a funny squeaking noise or something, but was far too distracted to pay it any mind.

“And just what do you think you’re doing?” Nightmare Moon asked menacingly, staring down at me with a disapproving frown.

“Uh…exploring for treasure?” I ventured. One of Nightmare Moon’s eyebrows raised.

“…Treasure,” she repeated.

“That’s right!”

Then she smiled. But it was not one of friendliness. It was one of malicious amusement. “And have you found any?” she asked in a dangerously cheerful tone.

“Nope! Nothing at all! Not even a single coin!” I responded, perhaps a bit too quickly. Unfortunately, she noticed my nervousness. Wordlessly, she glanced towards the podium where the crystals were. Her eyes widened when she saw that I had been meddling with them. Her gaze returned to me, but now it radiated nothing but cruel malice.

“You foal!” she cried loudly. “Attempting to meddle with my plans, are we?”

I felt cold sweat form on my forehead. I had just managed to piss off the most powerful evil known to ponykind. Just by being lost. Smooth move, Twilight. “Plans? What plans?” I attempted to backpedal. “I have no idea what you’re talking about! No meddling of any sort here! Nope, not at all! Hehe…”

Nightmare Moon was not convinced. “Silence! For attempting to undermine me, you shall be eliminated!”

E…eliminated?

“No!” I shrieked in horror. “Please don’t! I wasn’t doing anything, honest! I just wanted to go back to Ponyville and sleep!”

“Well then,” Nightmare Moon smirked evilly. “Allow me to give you a rest that will last eternally!” Her eyes glowed white with power. A dark cloud of energy began to form beside her.

“Nnnoooo!” I screamed in terror. I screwed my eyes closed and threw up my forehooves to shield my face. I braced myself for the end. It was a good run, Twilight…it was a good run. Nightmare Moon laughed maniacally. There was a sound of crackling lightning, followed almost instantly by a strange shattering noise. And then there was silence.

But…I wasn’t dead. I wasn’t dead! Nervously, I peeked an eye open. Floating between myself and Nightmare Moon was a single crystal piece, smoking slightly but otherwise unharmed by the bolt of lightning. I raised my eyebrows in surprise.

“…What?” we both asked together. Suddenly, I heard a commotion coming from the stairwell.

“Twilight!” Applejack hollered as she entered the room. My eyebrows took off and blasted into orbit.

“A-Applejack? What…? How…?”

“Yer okay!” she continued happily, beaming at me. Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie all appeared behind her as well, smiling gleefully at me.

“I…I am!” I said, still in a bit of a shock. That’s probably why I forgot about Nightmare Moon standing a few paces away. “And you’re alive! All of you!”

“We sure as sugar are,” Applejack announced proudly. The other four cheered, clearly happy to see I was okay. It was then that I realized something: they were worried about me. Yes, I had considered their fates myself, but they had actually been WORRIED about me. And now that they knew I was okay, they were happy!

But me? I was just surprised. That’s all. How…how lame. I felt my heart melt slightly. These ponies…actually cared for me. I…I supposed that if that was the case…I could give them a chance.

But not too many.

“Where did you come from?” a bewildered Nightmare Moon asked. “I thought I vaporized you!”

Pinkie Pie promptly blew a raspberry. “That’s what you think! But I’m SUPER good at ‘hide-and-go-seek’! Sorry, but it looks like we win! Better luck next time!” Did…did Pinkie seriously just do that? I chuckled slightly to myself. It was funny!

That crazy yet lovable pink psychopath…

Nightmare Moon’s face contorted in rage. She looked about to explode. Her mouth opened to speak, but nothing came out. It flapped uselessly for a few moments. Pinkie burst out into laughter, while the rest of us tried to hide our snickers.

Suddenly, something clicked for me. “Wait…” I began. “If you’re all here…then that means this is the castle of the Royal Pony Sisters!”

“That’s true,” Applejack responded.

“And…that means the Elements of Harmony are here!”

“Right again!” Rarity declared.

“And…and…they’re those crystals over there!” Am I good or what?

“Yep! It’s all true!” Rainbow Dash said, smirking. Her eyes flicked to Nightmare Moon and narrowed in anger. “But they would still be intact were it not for her!” Nightmare Moon looked pleased with herself.

And then…then I understood. My mind flashed back to the book in the library. The Elements of Harmony…were standing in this very room! “You think you can destroy the Elements of Harmony just like that?” I spoke up bravely, surprising even myself. “Well you’re wrong! Because the spirits of the Elements of Harmony are right here!”

Everypony in the room gasped, but I continued. Maybe if I figured enough stuff out, Celestia would go easier on me!

“Applejack, you tried to reassure me that it was safe to let go of the cliff. You represent the spirit of Honesty!” Sure enough, a pile of crystals began to glow orange, floated over to the farmer mare, and began to rotate around here. Everypony in the room looked quite bamboozled by this.

But I was on a roll.

“Fluttershy, you obviously succeeded in talking down the manticore, seeing as you all survived with barely a scratch on you! You represent the spirit of Kindness!” More stones started to float around Fluttershy. She shied away from them, but they remained in a circle around her.

“Pinkie Pie, you were laughing and singing about trees! Even if that was kinda creepy, you still got everypony else to laugh! You represent the spirit of Laughter!” More stones. Pinkie grinned gleefully.

“Rarity, you fixed Stephen Magnet’s mustache, which explains why your tail is so short! You represent the spirit of Generosity!”

“Wait, who?” Rarity asked in confusion as the stones began to spin.

“It’s not important,” I said quickly, waving a hoof. “And finally…Rainbow Dash…you, uh…”

Ponyfeathers.

“Clearly did something,” I finished lamely. Rainbow’s face fell, disappointed.

“She gave up an opportunity for personal glory in order to continue helping us,” Fluttershy said quietly.

My eyes widened. “She did? Well I’ll be.” Oooh, that glare was seething. “Yes! You did that! You represent the spirit of Loyalty!”

Rainbow Dash grinned fiercely as she got her own set of stones. Nightmare Moon was by now looking quite afraid. “But you still don’t have the sixth element!” she protested.

“Yes we do,” I countered. “The sixth Element is represented by me! I know it because these five ponies, the five Elements of Harmony, are my friends!” The other ponies beamed at me as I said that. Suddenly, there was a flash above my head, and an orb of brilliant white light began to descend towards me.

“I represent the sixth Element! The Element of…Laziness!” My friends took on incredulous looks. The light seemed to fade a moment before deciding to just go with it and continue. The light transformed into a tiara featuring my Cutie Mark as the centerpiece before it slammed onto my head, slightly painfully, almost as if it was saying ‘oh, come on!’

Suddenly, I felt a rush of power. It surged up within me and spread out to the others. I watched as the spinning stones suddenly turned into necklaces and fixed themselves around my friends’ necks. We were all lifted into the air as a rainbow-colored energy began to build around us.

Hah. Ga-wait, hold on a second. I’m a part of this. I changed my mind. Totally awesome.

Purple is the master color.

The power surged again. I was dimly aware of Nightmare Moon screaming in agony. That’s right, burn! No one threatens to kill Twilight Sparkle!

And then the world turned white.

*****

…Ow.

Why did it hurt to think? I didn’t remember drinking last night…

“Ohhh, my head…” I heard the voice of Rainbow Dash say.

“Everypony okay?” Applejack asked. I blinked my eyes open as the memories of what just happened rushed back to me. I sat up and looked around at my friends, breathing a sigh of relief when I saw they were all okay.

But only a small one.

“Oh, thank goodness!” I suddenly heard Rarity call out.

“Why, Rarity! It’s so lovely,” Fluttershy commented.

“I know! I’ll never part with it again!” she cried out joyously. Ah, so her tail grew back. Well that was nice. Everypony knew that short tails were definitely NOT in season at the moment. I briefly wondered if Stephen Magnet still had his ‘mustache.’

“No, your necklace,” Fluttershy continued. “It looks just like your Cutie Mark!”

“Huh?” Rarity looked down at herself, and then at her flank. She smiled and looked back to Fluttershy. “So does yours!”

Fluttershy gasped. “Look at mine! Look at mine!” Pinkie Pie interrupted, bounding into the group excitedly.

“Awww yeah!” Rainbow Dash crowed upon noticing hers. I had to admit, the lightning bolt necklace WAS pretty cool. Looking up, I saw my own tiara was still on my head.

Even if it was a little tight.

“Gee, Twilight,” Applejack spoke up. “Ah thought ya were just spoutin’ a lot of hooey. But Ah reckon we really do represent th’ Elements of Friendship!”

“Indeed you do,” rang out a disembodied voice. My eyes widened. I knew that voice. It was a voice of doom, a voice of terror, a voice that haunted my nightmares each and every night…

The voice of Princess Celestia.

Suddenly, the sun rose from beyond the distant horizon. There was a dazzling flash of bright light, and then there, before us, stood the Solar Princess herself. My friends all bowed. I, of course, skipped such formalities and went directly to speaking my mind. “And where the hay have you been?” My friends gasped at my outburst. I made a mental note to tell them later that the Princess and I shared a…unique relationship.

Celestia was completely unfazed, like usual. “Ah, Twilight Sparkle! My faithful student.” Oooh. Almost rolled my eyes right then. Almost. “I knew you could do it,” she continued.

“Do what?” I asked incredulously. “Beat Nightmare Moon for you? Speaking of which, how did that even happen? I informed you of the myth, but you told me it was just an old pony’s tale!”

“I TOLD you to make some friends,” she said with a smile. “Nothing more.” Well, actually, the letter she sent said quite a bit more so THAT was an obvious load of dung, but I decided to let it slide. “I saw the signs of Nightmare Moon’s return, and I knew that it was you who had the magic inside to defeat her. But you could not unleash it until you let true friendship into your heart.”

My heart skipped a beat at that. True…friendship? Well it was settled then! I had successfully made some friends! Mission accomplished! One less thing to deal with. Dang, I’m good. “Now if only another will as well…” she continued, turning to the corner of the room.

I followed her gaze and was surprised to see a pony lying on the floor. There was a bunch of smoking pieces of metal scattered around her. Aww, Nightmare Moon lived? I thought we vaporized her. Lame. “Princess Luna…”

The pony gasped and sat up fearfully. Yep, definitely alive. I wondered if I could get the Elements to work again…

“It has been a thousand years since I have seen you like this. Time to put our differences behind us. We were meant to rule together, little sister.”

“Sister?” we all echoed together. Well. That would explain why Celestia couldn’t take care of things herself. Probably couldn’t bring herself to do it. Note to self: acquire personal student. They seem quite useful.

“Will you accept my friendship?”

There was a long pause, but then Luna burst out into tears. “I’m so sorry! I’ve missed you so much, big sister!”

“I’ve missed you too,” Celestia said with tears in her eyes. I couldn’t help it anymore. This whole situation was just ridiculous. Celestia knew all along that Nightmare Moon was coming, but did nothing. She sent me to deal with it. Except I had no idea what I was doing. In fact, I pretty much ending up defeating Nightmare Moon entirely by accident.

Wow. Imagine if I was actually trying. That would be like…overpowered, or something. Clearly I had to keep myself in check for the sake of everypony around me.

It was at that moment that Pinkie Pie blew her nose quite loudly and burst out crying. It’s a good thing she did so, because it hid my guffaw of laughter most perfectly. This whole situation was most amusing; I had to let SOMETHING out. I hurriedly adopted a neutral expression. “Hey! You know what this calls for?” Pinkie suddenly began.

…Uh oh. Here we go…

“AAAA PAAARTYY!!”

*****

Okay, I’ll admit it. Just this once.

Pinkie can throw a pretty good party.

I don’t really know how she did it, but somehow when we got back to Ponyville there was food, decorations, games, and the entire town waiting for us. It was a pretty awesome time. The games were fun, the food was delicious, and everypony was happy. Hours later, I took a seat at an empty table to reflect on recent events.

Why did I feel so down? Things were going awesomely! I’d checked several things off of my to-do list as far as ‘studying’ was concerned. Nightmare Moon was defeated and my consumption of delicious food could go unhindered. I quietly belched as I thought of how much I’d eaten recently. Pinkie was almost as good a cook as Applejack. I had successfully made some friends. Everything was going great!

Except…I’d have to go back to Canterlot soon…

“Why so glum, my faithful student?” I heard Celestia’s voice emanate from beside me. She took a seat beside me at the table. For once, I didn’t feel the slightest urge to roll my eyes. “Are you not happy that your quest is complete? And you can go take a nap in your cozy Canterlot bed…?” she finished knowingly.

I pondered her words. What was the problem? Somehow…sleep didn’t quite seem so appealing just then. Even though I knew I should be exhausted.

Wait, wait, wait…I didn’t want to sleep? Call the doctors! Call the Guard! Call the Princ-oh. But still, I must be sick or something! “That’s just it. Just when I learned how pretty awesome it can be to have friends, I have to leave them.” I glanced sadly to the side, where I saw my five friends standing there, along with Spike. The little dragon had really hit it off with them during the party. Especially Rarity. They all regarded me sadly, also afraid of what was to come.

And then a wave of fatigue so strong I almost passed out on the spot hit me. Whoa…how long had I gone without sleep? A record, that’s for sure.

Naptime. Now.

“Oh well,” I began, slurring my words slightly. “It’s not that far. I can always fly back whenever. And write letters. Come on, let’s go. I’m sleepy.”

Celestia smiled. “Spike! Take a note, please.” My trusty assistant instantly had a scroll and quill in claw.

“Hey,” I began. “That’s my line! And we’re supposed to write the letters once we get back! You know, to Canterlot?”

“I, Princess Celestia, hereby decree…” Oh no. This was not going to end well.

“Princess? Hey, Princess? I’m actually fine! We can go now!” I desperately tried to backpedal.

“…shall take on a new mission for Equestria…”

OH NO SHE DID NOT. “Hey! Wait, hold on! That’s not fair! Can’t we talk about this?”

Of course, I was ignored. “She must continue to study the magic of friendship…”

“What does that even mean?”

“She must report to me her findings…”

“Really? Oh, come on now! I have enough to do!”

“…from her new home in Ponyville!”

“WHAT? You expect me to keep living in that rotting old place? It’s drafty! It’s moldy! It smells to high heaven! This is ridiculous! An outrage! I absolutely refuse!”

It was then that Celestia gave me a little something I like to call ‘the look.’ It was this silly little smirk that only I ever saw. And it had a very clear meaning: ‘ha ha, I’m the Princess and can do whatever I want so suck it up and deal with it.’

Apparently nopony else heard me though, because both my friends and the townspeople started cheering. Seriously? It was as though everypony could only listen to Celestia whenever she was speaking! My friends crowded around me excitedly, all talking at once so that I couldn’t really focus on what any one of them was saying.

“Ugh. Fine…I’ll stay here in Ponyville. And work on my…studies. Harder than ever.” Hah. More like I’ll procrastinate harder than ever.

Celestia smiled knowingly. “Glad to hear it. Reports are due every week. I look forward to hearing from you!” I pouted. “Oh, and your history report is now due next week, by the way. And I changed my mind. Your experiences with the Summer Sun Celebration can count towards your first friendship report. You’ll still have to research something else. Good luck!”

My eye twitched.

I passed out on the spot.

Author's Note

And that's the true story of 'Stephen Magnet.' Unfortunately, the foreign genetics of Rarity's tail caused his body to rebel, and his cells began to destroy each other. He died tragically two days later without speaking another word, leaving experts unable to decide on his actual name, as it was never truly revealed.

...Oh lawd. I'm laughing so hard right now. You guys are so awesome, you totally inspired me to SCREW ALL HOMEWORK and write this beautiful second chapter pretty much in a single afternoon (1800 words last night, about 8000 more today). I've promised a lot, so here's hoping it lives up to all of your expectations!

Oh, and did I say this chapter would be shorter? Hah. Impossibru. I don't do short. It's literally impossible. ...I should challenge myself to write a good story in less than 3000 words. That would be the day.

And now, I have a question for all of you! There's two ways I can take this story: I can either go episode by episode, detailing how lazy Twilight accustoms herself to life in Ponyville, or I can simply focus on all the "accidents" she causes along the way (Discord, changelings, krrysstaaahlssss). It's up to YOU, dear reader, to decide! Let's take a nice, democratic vote, eh? I look forward to your responses!

Thanks once again so much for all of the positive support! I'm touched and flattered.

Cheers!
Shanenator

...Now to go nurse this abominable cramp in my left hand...ow...

Tickets to the What?!

A Series of Inexplicably Convenient Events

Original concept written and edited by Shanenator

Chapter Three: Tickets to the What?!

*****

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!

No. Go away. Not right now. Do they have any idea what time it is?! Just leave me alone! Yeah…they’ll be gone soon. No biggie. Just wait it out, Twilight…

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!

Oh, a tough guy, eh? Well, two can play at that game! I ain’t budging! And there’s nothing you can do about it!

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!

Uuuugggh make it stoooop…looks like it’s time to execute contingency plan alpha…

“Sparfkermumblrgdado.”

Okay, even I have to admit that was pathetic. Executing contingency plan alpha, round two…

“Spike, get the door,” I managed to mumble around my pillow. Haha! Success! Unfortunately, my efforts were rewarded with nothing more than a snort from somewhere across the room and a mumbled word that I’m fairly certain was ‘Rarity.’ Oh, good gravy…

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!

I swear to Cele-

Hmmm…

I swear to Luna, if the town isn’t ON FIRE right this VERY MOMENT somepony is going to be in some serious hot water. Begrudgingly, and that is quite the understatement, I somehow managed to drag myself out of bed and staggered over to the front door.

KNOCK KNOCK KNO-

Without any warning whatsoever, I angrily unbolted the front door and flung it open, snapping “what!?” with potentially enough venom to incapacitate a foal.

Or at least, that was the plan. Unfortunately, the intruding pony was not expecting the door to go from closed to open in half a second flat and ending up creaming me in the face with enough velocity to knock me flat on my back before I could get a single word in edgewise. Woah…since when did trains barrel through ponies’ front doors?

The world went black. Again.

*****

“Uuuggh…my face…” Like usual, the first thing I heard upon regaining consciousness was my own moaning. Seriously, waking up is like the worst possible thing in the world. I’ll admit that this time the reason was a bit unorthodox, but at least I’m still consistent in some manners. Too much has changed recently for my liking.

That stuck-up, no-good, pretty little princess…

I gingerly reached a hoof up to my face. I winced in pain as I touched the area around my right eye. Although I wasn’t yet sure, I was pretty certain I now sported the most impressive shiner I’ve ever had the misfortune to obtain. Great. Just another reason to despise Ponyville beyond anything I’ve ever despised before. And that’s saying something.

I. HATE. CABBAGES.

Ahem…sorry. I’m sometimes prone to fly into uncontrollable rages whenever images of the green abominations appear in my head. It’s one of my few flaws. Fortunately, however, I was spared the effort of having to put my house back together again by something equally detestable presenting itself and acquiring my focus.

“Twilight!” a voice rang out from my left. I groggily opened my eyes, which was easier said than done thanks to the undoubtedly large amount of swelling around my right eye, sat up, and turned to see who had spoken. Oh look. It was psycho-farmer. That would certainly explain why I was laid out by a single punch.

Applejack swiftly entered my bedroom and hurried over to where I sat on my bed. “Ah’m so sorry ‘bout hittin’ ya! It’s jest that ya opened th’ door so fast, Ah wasn’t expectin’ that at all, an’ Ah’m so glad ta see yer not seriously injured, sorry ‘bout that black eye though, that’s a real doozy, an’ Ah’ll do mah very best ta make it up ta ya, an’-”

“Applejack,” I said plainly, holding up a hoof to signal her to stop running her mouth. She thankfully complied. “It’s fine. It’s my fault, really. But what are you doing in my house? And, more importantly, why were you banging incessantly on my door at ungodly hours of the morning?”

Applejack tilted her head in confusion. “Twilight…it was half past noon.”

I tried to keep my face expressionless. “And?”

Applejack narrowed her eyes. “Twilight, y’all can’t seriously be tryin’ ta tell me that ya were still sleepin’. Everypony in town is up an’ at ‘em by at least ten! Ya can’t jest sleep th’ whole day away! Ain’t nopony got time fer that.”

I heaved a heavy sigh of frustration. “Applejack, look. I’ll do you a favor and lay it out nice and simple for you. Being Princess Celestia’s personal student is incredibly demanding. I need an above-average amount of sleep in order to perform at an acceptable level on a routine basis.” Keep a straight face, Twilight…come on you can do this…

“I’ve spent the last couple of days running around in the Everfree forest and defeating Nightmare Moon. Which, as I’m sure you are aware, are activities that do not involve healthy amounts of sleep. Therefore, I must make up my lost sleep time today and tomorrow by, in fact, sleeping most of the day away. So yes, I actually do have time for that, thank you very much.” I ended my rant speaking a bit louder than I probably should have, but I was at least able to refrain from shouting.

Applejack was regarding me curiously, as though I was some foreign entity to be studied with a passing interest. “Ah…see,” she finally said. “Well then, Ah’m awful sorry ‘bout wakin’ ya. Ah’ll try ta remember not ta come knockin’ at reasonable hours. Does four in th’ morn sound more ta yer likin’?”

Was that…a joke? Once again, I have been reminded why Applejack is by far the most tolerable of my ‘friends.’

I let loose a short guffaw of laughter. Applejack grinned at that, clearly pleased at the reaction she was able to provoke from me. I grinned back and slapped her heartily on the back. “Ha! Good one, AJ. No, please do come at reasonable hours. If you have to come at all. Truth be told, it’s probably for the best that I didn’t sleep all day. Recovering from a nocturnal schedule is not easy. Trust me, I know.”

Applejack simply rolled her eyes. “Ah’m sure. Anyways, sorry again fer hittin’ ya in th’ face like that. Y’all sure yer okay?”

I waved her off with a hoof as I stood and started to head downstairs. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. I’ve seen far worse. So what was it that you wanted?” I called behind me. I could hear Applejack following me down the stairs.

“Ah wanted ta ask ya a favor.” I rolled my one good eye. The other wasn’t quite in peak eye-rolling condition.

“I’m afraid to ask, but since you’re my friend I’ll relent. What did you have in mind?” I cautiously ventured as I pulled some ice out of the freezer to place over my eye. I dourly noted that there was very little food in the fridge. I’d have to go shopping or go out to eat. Both unfortunately involved going places. Ugh, the universe was so cruel.

“Ah made a bet with mah brother, Big Macintosh. Unfortunately, Ah didn’t quite think it through and Ah’m in a bit over mah head. Ah’d really appreciate if ya could help me win it. Ah tried askin’ th’ other girls first, but they’re all busy today. Yer my last chance, Twi.” I smiled slightly as I ruminated on the situation. Coming to me for help? Desperate measures indeed. I also noticed with some interest that we’d devolved to using shortened names for each other. Truly, I was really good at this whole ‘friendship’ thing.

I turned to face Applejack, who was surprisingly looking a bit nervous. “What happens if you win the bet?” I asked.

The apple farmer smirked mischievously. “Ol’ Mac will have ta walk through town wearin’ one of Granny’s girdles!” She chuckled to herself. I too let loose a short bark of laughter as a particularly silly image drifted through my mind.

“How amusing,” I commented, staring out the window for a moment. That didn’t seem like the whole story, though. There was something…more. I slowly turned back to her, a sly smirk on my face. “And if you lose?”

Applejack flushed bright red and fidgeted on the spot. “Ah’d…rather not talk ‘bout it.”

I raised my good eyebrow. My other was currently trapped under a cold pack. “Oh, come now AJ. It can’t possibly be that bad. C’mon, out with it.”

She fidgeted again. “Ah’d REALLY not like ta talk ‘bout it,” she repeated, this time with a slight warning tone in her voice. Considering that this was the pony who laid me out with one accidental punch, I decided it might be wise to not push her buttons.

I sighed. “Alright, alright. You don’t want to talk about it. What would I have to help you do, then?”

Applejack’s eyes lit up. “Oh, nothin’ much. Just gettin’ th’ whole Golden Delicious crop stored in th’ barn. That’s all. Ah’ve already done half of it mahself.”

Wait. She came to my house…and woke me up…to ask me if I wanted to help her WORK?? Was this pony crazy? Had she lost it? Did she even know me at all? Hmph. Some friend. “Applejack,” I said in a monotone as I fixed her with the most uninterested stare I could muster. “You of all ponies should know that, above all else, I despise unnecessary work.”

She frowned. “Ah know, but Ah was hopin’ ya’d be willin’ ta help a friend out. We are friends, right?” she asked with a slight hint of worry in her voice.

Well, there’s only one way to answer that question if I don’t want Celestia breathing down my neck. “…Yes…” I said slowly. “But that still doesn’t mean I like doing physical labor.”

Applejack sighed. “Please, Twi? Just this once? Ah promise Ah won’t bother ya again, it’s just that all th’ other girls were busy! Simply th’ rottenest of luck!”

I considered her request for a moment. I knew the right thing to do was to help her out. Still, my muscles shuddered slightly just thinking about all the hard work I was being begged to do. I let out a long sigh. If I turned her down here, it could jeopardize what fragile friendship we have. And that would simply not do. Besides, maybe I could write my friendship report on this whole ordeal. Kill multiple alicorns with one stone, as it were. I would be crazy to turn down a solution to my assignments that waltzed in my front door. If there’s one thing worse than actually doing the work, it’s searching for that work before the work even begins.

I let loose another long sigh. “Alright…I suppose I’ll help you out. Just this once.”

“YEEEEHAW!” Applejack cheered, pumping her hoof in the air victoriously. “Ah knew ya wouldn’t let me down, partner!”

I smiled at her antics. That smile then grew significantly wider and eviler as a thought crossed my mind. “But,” I abruptly interrupted her celebrations. “If I’m going to bust my flank for you, I at LEAST deserve to know what you agreed to do if you lost,” I finished with a smirk.

Her face fell. “Twilight…” she trailed off nervously.

“Come ooon,” I pressed eagerly. “You can tell me! I won’t say a word! C’mon, we’re friends, right?”

She was slowly faltering. She evidently REALLY wanted my help. Suddenly, her face lit up and she smiled knowingly. “How’s ‘bout instead Ah treat ya ta a home-baked Apple family meal once we’re done?”

I frowned as I considered her offer. It was rather tempting, and I WAS out of food…

GGRRROOOWWWLLL

…Stupid stomach. I blushed a bit. Applejack’s smile reminded me of a wolf’s. “Well, well, well. Sounds like a mighty solid ‘yes’ ta me, Twi.”

I pouted, but relented. “All right, fine. Keep your secrets. I help you with the apples, and you cook me food. Deal?”

Applejack’s smile remained radiant. She spit on her forehoof and held it out to me. “Deal!”

I looked at her extended hoof with utter contempt. No WAY was I going to touch that. Ew, gross. “Applejack, turn your flank around and march out of my front door before you successfully convince me that I’m going to legitimately regret this.”

*****

Fortunately, the chagrined earth pony complied without a word. She clearly really wanted my help. As I was preparing to leave, though, a sudden thought struck me. An idea. A wonderful idea. A simply wonderful, AWFUL idea.

I hastily marched up the stairs and silently entered the bedroom. Spike, the lazy little slacker, was still sound asleep. I crept right up next to him, took a deep breath, and unloaded.

“HEY SPIKE!!”

The response was instantaneous. The poor little dragon’s eyes shot open, and then his entire body shot into the air in surprise. Taking one step to the right and two steps back, he landed directly on my back with a slight thud. “Wakey-wakey sunshine!” I cheered as I began to trek back down the stairs. “You’re going to help me and Applejack with her apples! Won’t that be fun?”

Spike grumbled something unintelligent before replying. “Don’t you mean ‘Applejack and I’?” he groused.

“Nope!” I replied cheerfully.

Yeah, that’s right Celestia. I just went there. Suck it.

*****

“Nope…nope…nope…nope…”

Okay, maybe bringing Spike along was a bad idea. In fact, I think I’ll put that on my list of ‘worst ideas I’ve ever had.’ Which, by the way, is the ONLY list worth actually updating and studying. It’s my scripture. Knowing that list forwards, backwards, and upside-down is the key to avoiding unnecessary work. Oh, and agreeing to help on the farm might also be worthy of addition. I’ll be sure to jot it down when I get home.

If I survive.

By Luna’s moon, I think I’m going to die. Celestia’s sun is unbearably hot. Applejack insists on loading up the baskets until they’re heaped with apples, making them ridiculously heavy. And the barn is SO FAR AWAY from the trees. It also doesn’t help that the good-for-nothing, lazy twerp named Spike has been seated on my back the whole time searching for, as he calls it, the ‘perfect snack.’ The only reason why I haven’t thrown him off yet is that he lightens my load as I walk. I’ll take that trade-off for now.

“Nope…nope…nope…” He continued to toss out unsatisfactory apples. After our first trip, Applejack noticed his behavior and insisted he only throw out bruised or otherwise unappealing apples. So I guess he’s actually helping a bit and saving the Apple family the trouble of sorting them later. Even if he is free-loading off of my own valiant, hard-working self in the process.

I hardly noticed Applejack trotting up beside me with yet another load of apples. Holy cow, that mare is a MACHINE. She’s easily made four times as many trips as I have and she hasn’t even broken a sweat! I struggled to think of a good reason why she couldn’t just handle this job herself. Luna knows I’m not contributing much. But, for whatever reason, simply by being there I’ve managed to raise her spirits considerably. Clearly she thinks that I am actually making a difference. Whatever floats your boat, AJ.

Oh, and I’m also slowly dying of starvation. When’s that meal, again?

“YEEEHAW! Lookin’ good there, Twi! Keep it up an’ we’ll be done in no time!” she cheered enthusiastically.

“That’s…great…AJ…” I managed to pant out.

“Thank ya kindly once again fer helpin’ me out, Twi. Means a lot ta me.”

“It’s…no problem…at all…I’m just…glad the reward…is food…all this work…making me hungry…”

“I know, right?” Spike spoke up from my shoulders, managing to hit me in the back of the head with a stray apple. I turned around to glare at the little devil.

“Puh-LEASE, Spike! You’ve been lounging around on my back all afternoon while we worked!”

“Exactly! You two have taken SOOO long that I missed snacktime!” The NERVE of the little guy! Why I ought to just wring his little…actually, that sounds like something I would say. I take it back, I’m so proud of the little bugger. I’ve really rubbed off on him. Beside me, Applejack huffed in annoyance and shook her head good-naturedly.

My stomach chose that exact moment to once again state its admittedly convincing case in no uncertain terms. I felt my face flush once again. “Uuuuggh,” I moaned. “So…hungry…”

Applejack looked behind her and squinted. “Don’t worry, Twi. We’re almost done, actually. We’ll be eatin’ like royalty before ya know it!” Spike, meanwhile, was back to sifting through his apples. A sudden joyous exclamation from behind me made me tilt my head. What I saw next was a sight I will never forget.

It was amazing. It was perfect. Never before and never again will I see an apple of such majesty. It was large. It was round. It was shiny. It seemed to radiate light in every direction, as if it KNEW that it was the king of all apples. I can only imagine what bounty lie beneath that perfectly flawless skin. The sweetness of the juice mixed with the softness of the flesh could only combine to make the most divine apple-consuming experience us mere mortals could ever possibly imagine.

Time seemed to slow down. The little council of Twilights in my head began to debate the next course of action. Backed by the representatives of the stomach, who for some reason held the most seats at the moment, it was agreed upon to accept the wondrous gift and promptly devour it. The representative of the brain had an objection, however, wondering why in Equestria the apple was red when these were supposedly ‘golden delicious’ apples. The rest of the council succinctly opted for aggressive negotiations and beat the tar out of the neighsayer.

Consensus reached, then. Time to eat. “Oh, Spike…” I muttered, drooling. “It looks…delicious…”

Time slowed down again, but this time I looked on in dismay as the apple was whisked away from my face, steadily moving towards Spike’s open maw. If I could have, I would have screamed. Unfortunately, the representative of the larynx lost her seat in the election two seconds ago. In one horrifying moment, there was a loud crunch, juice sprayed everywhere, and I knew that the apple to top all apples was no more.

I reacted the only way I possibly could. “SPIIIIKE!” I shouted angrily as he made a huge show of chewing an apple that was almost as large as his dumb head before swallowing it all at once. Unfortunately, he didn’t choke. That would have been funny. And it would’ve made me feel a whole lot better. What? I would’ve saved him if he did. Probably.

The little monster was unrepentant. “What?” Suddenly, he gagged. I briefly wondered if he actually WAS choking and if I would need to perform the Hindleg on him. Without warning, he let loose a loud belch and a bout of green flame, and from the embers a scroll materialized and slowly floated down into his outstretched claw.

Oh boy. My excitement was palpable. “Oh, great. Just what I needed. What does she want now?” I grumbled at Spike as he opened the letter and began to examine it. Applejack, in her curiosity, trotted over to listen.

Spike cleared his throat and began to read. “Ahem. Hear ye, hear ye! Her Grand Royal Highness-” I rolled my eyes. That was definitely too many adjectives. “Princess Celestia of Equestria, is pleased to announce the Grand Galloping Gala to be held in the magnificent capital city of Canterlot on the twenty-first day of…blah blah blah, yadda yadda…” he trailed off, clearly skimming the details to get to the important stuff. Her letters could be awfully long-winded.

That’s my dragon.

“Ah! Here we are. Cordially extends an invitation to Twilight Sparkle plus one guest!” Applejack and I reacted simultaneously. In fact, we both said the exact same thing.

“The Grand Galloping Gala!”

However, the key difference was that while Applejack shouted excitedly, I practically spat in contempt. Spike was once again eyeing me with the look of pity I saw on his face only two days ago. “Oh, Twilight, I’m so sorry. That’ll be a real drag.”

I shrugged it off. “Whatever, I just won’t attend. Maybe I can sell my ticket.”

Spike eyed the letter as if it was going to bite him. “I’m…not so sure it will be that simple,” he replied ominously.

I eyed him curiously. “And why ever not, Spike?”

“Maybe I shouldn’t skip the ‘blah blah blah’ part…”

I felt my chest tighten. “How bad is it?” I asked fearfully.

He cleared his throat in response. “In order to help you improve your relations with other ponies, your attendance is mandatory and will be strictly enforced. I HIGHLY recommend that you attend. That being said, this Royal Decree cordially extends a…and, well, you know the rest.”

I felt my eye twitch. Wow. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, just when I thought Princess Celestia couldn’t POSSIBLY screw me over any more, she does exactly that. She is certainly resourceful when it comes to making my life difficult, I’ll give her that. I swear, if I ever ascend to godhood or something like that I will eliminate her. Or at least make her suffer as I have.

Suddenly, Spike convulsed and then belched once more. Floating down from the greenish smoke this time were two golden Gala tickets. It really is unavoidable, isn’t it? I released a long-suffering sigh and hung my head in defeat. “Spike, prepare my funeral arrangements. I’m not going to survive this.” Spike chuckled at that.

Applejack, on the other hand, looked bewildered. “Twilight! Don’t ya know what y’all are talkin’ ‘bout? It’s th’ Grand Galloping Gala fer pony’s sake! Only th’ biggest humdrum o’ th’ year by mah reckonin’! Why, Ah’d love ta go! Land’s sakes…if Ah had an apple stand set up, ponies would be chowin’ on our tasty vittles ‘til th’ cows came home! Do you have any idea how much business Ah could drum up fer Sweet Apple Acres? Why, with all that money, we could…”

Aaaand bored now. As tolerable as Applejack can be compared to the other disasters I call my ‘friends,’ she sure can run her mouth. Seriously, that mare needs to learn to shut up. I wonder if I could get away with stuffing an apple in her mouth? Hmmm…nah. Probably a bad idea considering that I’m still sporting a sizable bruise from a simple ‘accident’ this morning. Afternoon. Whatever.

“Why, Ah’d give mah left hind leg ta go ta that Gala…” Applejack sighed dreamily. Clearly, whatever daydream she’d just lost herself in must’ve been pretty good. Which doesn’t make any sense, because it clearly involved the Gala. Whatever. Some ponies, right? A sudden idea popped into my head, though. Why not work on my friendship even more? AJ and I were already best friends, right?

“Tell you what,” I spoke up, snatching the tickets from Spike’s claw and waving them in front of the farmer’s face. “I’ll give you the extra ticket right now if you can get me some food. I’m still starving.” My stomach growled again to emphasize the point. I blushed again. Applejack’s eyes grew wide as she regarded the golden ticket just inches from her grasp.

“Why…Twilight…ya mean it?”

“Of course I do! Ticket for a meal sounds like a pretty good deal to me. Now hurry up and take it, I’m famished.”

And then the unexpected happened. “INCOMING!!”

WHAM!

Oh Luna why does everything hurt? Oh my goodness ow ow ow my legs, my face, my back…

And then, the most obnoxious voice in all of Equestria decided to grace my ears with its presence. And by grace, I of course mean ravage. “Are we talking about the Grand. Galloping. Gala?” the voice of Rainbow Dash spoke up excitedly, placing particular emphasis on her words.

Fortunately, however, I had my best friend around to remind me why, exactly, she is my best friend. “Rainbow Dash!” she yelled angrily while I was still struggling to get to my hooves. “You told me you were too busy to harvest apples! What were ya busy doing? Spying?”

“No,” the multicolored, totally-gay disaster-waiting-to-happen replied cheekily. “I was busy napping,” she continued obliviously, motioning to a pillow and blanket hanging from a branch of an apple tree above our heads. “And I just HAPPENED to hear that you have an extra ticket?” she finished with a smile that would’ve probably been rather charming if she wasn’t currently floating upside-down like the airhead that she is.

A smile that quickly turned into an expression of disbelief followed by a barely-suppressed snort of laughter. “Whoa there, Twilight. I…I think you’ve got something…on your face…” she managed, trying and failing pretty spectacularly to hold back her laughter.

I let out a long sigh, but figured I could spare a short explanation. “Applejack. Accident. Long story.” Like I said: short.

Rainbow, however, decided that this was inordinately funny and burst into peals of laughter. “Hahaha!” she cried from her position on the ground. “N-nice going apples-for-brains! Way to stick it to the mare, eh? Hahaha!” Eventually she managed to calm herself down, thankfully. I was thinking I was going to have to smack a filly. “Some friend,” she remarked, wiping a tear from her eyes. “So, about that ticket?” she asked hopefully.

Applejack looked like she was about to explode. Spike was unimpressed. I, too, was very much less-than-thrilled with little miss daredevil. I was dragged out of my quaint little home to work my flank off because she was too busy NAPPING? Oh no. Oh hay naw. No way was she getting anything from me. “Well you see,” I replied in a dangerously low tone. “This extra ticket you see here…” I waved it in front of her face for emphasis, delighting in how her eyes lit up as they followed it, “belongs to my good friend Applejack.” Applejack swelled with happiness in the background. Rainbow visibly deflated.

“What? What did SHE do to deserve it? I’m totally waaaay awesomer than HER,” she whined, scowling at Applejack. Wow. She was cruisin’ for a bruisin’, that was for sure. Maybe if I held her, Applejack could…

No, that probably wouldn’t go well. Rainbow could kick my flank just as easily as Applejack could. I sighed exasperatedly. Might as well try to reason with my so-called ‘friend.’ “Well, she doesn’t trespass on other ponies’ property, lie to ponies’ faces, act like she’s the biggest thing since cider season, and refuse to help her ‘friends’ every now and again. If you’d been helping us with this, we would already have been done by now,” I vented angrily. I noticed amusedly that Applejack was significantly less angry now that I was quite effectively seconding her opinion.

Rainbow’s wings flared and her eyes hardened. Oh no, mommy, I made the funny-looking pony mad! Whatever will I do? “Hey! I don’t have any of those problems when I’m actually trying! I was just really tired!”

I snorted and rolled my eyes. “Sure you don’t.” Suddenly, I was rather curious. “Say, why do you even care, anyways? I didn’t think the Gala would be something a pony like you would be interested in.”

Her eyes lit up at that and she launched into her explanation with gusto. “The Wonderbolts perform at the Gala every! Year! I can see it now…” Yeah…maybe a bit too much gusto. As she excitedly began living her fantasy day dream that she obviously gets off to on a regular basis, complete with sound effects and a few idle movements in the air, my gaze met Applejack’s and I shook my head disdainfully. She rolled her eyes as she sidled over to Spike and I.

“Is she always like this?” I asked as Rainbow Dash continued to run her mouth. Seriously, I think all of my ‘friends’ have this problem. Except for Fluttershy. She has the opposite condition. Me, though? I’m just perfect, naturally.

“More than ya know,” she replied unamusedly. She glanced up at the blanket and pillow again and snorted. “Sleepin’ on mah property…Ah oughta tan her hide fer good.”

“No kidding,” I agreed. Suddenly, I got another wonderful, awful idea. “Say, Applejack…what if I made her work for the ticket?”

Applejack glanced sidelong at me and raised an eyebrow. “Whaddaya mean?”

I grinned evilly. “I mean that I’ll give you the first ticket, and she can have the second if she finishes putting away the apples for us! It’s perfect!” Applejack mulled the idea over for a moment or two, hoof placed thoughtfully on her chin.

But then she grinned at me. “Sounds good ta me,” she replied happily. “Will teach her a thing or two ‘bout common decency. Sleepin’ on mah property…hmph. Th’ nerve!”

“Indeed,” I nodded in agreement before handing Applejack a golden ticket. “Well, here you go. Do me a favor and get rich, okay?”

Applejack grinned happily. “Ya can count on me, best friend,” she finished with a wink. Oh yeah. I can’t be beat at this whole ‘friendship’ thing.

“Better you than us,” Spike added.

And then the moment was ruined by Rainbow Dash floating down to join us. “Don’t you see, Twilight?” No, I wasn’t paying the slightest bit of attention. “This could be my one chance to show them my stuff! You gotta take me! WOAH!” she yelped as Applejack grabbed her by the tail, swung her around a couple of times, and then slammed her into the ground a bit harder than was probably necessary. Spike and I chuckled a bit at that.

“Hold on just one pony-pickin’ minute here!” Applejack hollered a bit more loudly than necessary.

“Hey! What the hay was that for?” Rainbow Dash inquired angrily as she slowly got to her hooves.

Applejack smiled deviously. “We’ve agreed ta let ya have a ticket under one condition…”

Rainbow’s eyes lit up with excitement. “Yes? What is it? Tell me, tell me, tell me!”

Applejack and I grinned fiercely at each other. “Well…”

*****

Ahhh…now this was the good life. Applejack, Spike, and I all sighed contentedly as we relaxed beneath the branches of a large apple tree, which just so happened to be completely devoid of fruit. Another rainbow-colored blur shot past, gracing the three of us with another delightfully cool breeze as it went.

I was just about to drift off to sleep, so comfortable was I, when a sudden panting noise could be heard just in front of me. I lazily opened one eye to identify the source of the intrusive sound. I didn’t regret it. The sight of Rainbow Dash lying spread-eagle on the ground, her chest heaving, her face flushed red with exertion and beads of sweat collecting on her forehead was so amusing, I had to stifle a giggle.

I didn’t do a very good job.

She glared at me, but didn’t comment on it. “There…” she panted. “I put away…your stupid apples…can I…have the ticket…now?” Applejack caught my eye with a bemused expression. I shrugged nonchalantly and held out the ticket.

“Sure, I don’t care. Enjoy.” Rainbow’s eyes lit up as the golden ticket gleamed in the bright, torturous sunshine.

“Aww yeah! Totally worth it! Thanks Twi, you’re the best friend a mare could ask for!” I rolled my eyes. Sure, whatever you say Rainbow Dash. What an airhead. She gently grasped the ticket, as if afraid to damage it, which was impossible by the way, they’re magically enchanted, and pulled on it. I happily let it go.

…Except the ticket wouldn’t budge. What.

“Uh…Twi,” Rainbow began, sounding a bit confused. “You can let go now.”

“I did!” I cried in rising trepidation. “Just take it already!”

Rainbow pulled harder. Still no dice. She raised her head to glare at me. “Twi, let it go already! Is this some kind of cruel joke?”

I was beginning to panic. “No! It isn’t! Something’s wrong!”

“Like what?” Applejack asked worriedly, getting to her hooves to inspect the situation for herself. Good old dependable AJ, always worried about my well-being. Such a good friend.

And then it hit me. The reason why the ticket was acting so strangely. I almost couldn’t believe it. I didn’t WANT to believe it. But…it was true.

And I was doomed.

“Oh no…” I muttered. “Oh no, oh no, oh no! NO! This can’t be happening! She wouldn’t! She couldn’t!” Both my friends were eyeing me concernedly.

“What? What’s happenin’?”

“It’s Celestia!” I moaned in despair. “She put an Adhesion Spell on the ticket! It won’t come off! I’m trapped! I have no choice now but to go to the Gala! No no no no this is the worst possible thing! Get it off GET IT OFF!!” I screamed in a panic. I was no longer capable of thinking rationally such was the depth of my despair.

Seriously though, the Gala is a total drag. Sub-par food, crappy music, the most insufferable ponies in the whole kingdom, and not a drop of alcohol to be found. It’s the boringest ‘party’ since the history of parties and I have to attend instead of sleeping the night away like I always do.

There was only one thing to do: run around in circles screaming like a maniac. And I did just that.

After Luna-knows-how-long, Applejack finally managed to get my attention. “Twilight!”

I turned my head to look at her. “What?!” I snapped. Somewhere, a foal fainted. Unfortunately, looking away from where one is going while they are running at full speed tends to be a bad decision. Naturally, I did not see that apple tree. At all.

WHAM!

“Oooooooh,” Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Spike all groaned at the same time. I was a bit occupied to care about what they were doing, though. In fact, it took all of about ten seconds for my brain to reboot. Then I peeled my face off of the tree bark and collapsed flat on my back, utterly spent. I really needed a nap. And some food.

I opened my eyes to see three concerned faces staring down at me. “Yo Twilight,” Spike said. “You alright?”

“No…” I moaned pathetically.

Applejack furrowed her brow in thought. “So how do we git that ticket offa ya?”

I racked my brain in desperation, feebly flicking through my recent readings and assignments and hoping I might find something of use. “There’s probably a counter-spell,” I muttered, “but I don’t know it. Even if I did, I’m not sure I could undo Celestia’s spell,” I whined pitifully. “Just do me a favor and dig my grave now, okay?”

Rainbow’s gaze hardened. “No way! We’re not giving up that easily! I bet we can totally get it off, we just gotta try harder!” I looked up at her thoughtfully. “Besides,” she added with a grin. “If I get it off, I bet you’ll TOTALLY be thankful, right?” She waggled her eyebrows ridiculously.

But…that wasn’t actually a bad idea. “Yes,” I said as I got to my hooves. “Whoever gets the ticket off can have it. Simple as that.”

“Yes!” Rainbow exclaimed excitedly, pumping her hoof in the air.

Applejack rolled her eyes good-naturedly. “Ah already got one, but Ah’ll help anyhow.” And with that, she grabbed the ticket in her mouth and began to pull. I pulled back, but not nearly hard enough. The stronger earth pony began to drag me through the dirt. “Rainbow!” she muttered around the ticket. “Grab her an’ pull!”

Rainbow saluted smartly before grabbing my tail in her mouth. My eyes widened as I realized what they were about to do. “Wait no no no, don’t do tha-AAAA! OW OW OW! STOP IT! OW!”

SHE WAS PULLING ON MY TAIL!!

I kicked and screamed and hollered but the two stronger mares continued to play tug-of-war with me as the rope. “OW! Please, Applejack, stop! It hurts!” I cried as tears began to run down my face. Eventually, she relented and put me back down on the ground.

“Sorry Twi,” she apologized. “But Ah had ta git a feel fer how stuck it is.”

I hastily got to my hooves and checked my tail for damage before glaring at the rainbow-colored disaster. She merely blushed and grinned ashamedly. “And?” I said shortly, turning back to the farmer.

“No can do,” she replied. “It’s stuck firmer than an overgrown hog inna freshly-built stockade.”

“Er…okay then,” I answered, unsure of what exactly that meant. “Any other ideas?”

Just like that, Applejack was holding a rope in her mouth. Where did that come from? “Hold it up, partner,” she ordered as she began to spin the rope about. “Let th’ expert handle this one.”

I gulped in fear. This wasn’t exactly reassuring. But then again, I suppose I’d sacrifice just about anything to avoid going to the Gala. Besides, she was my friend, right? She wouldn’t actually put me in serious harm’s way…right?

Oh how wrong I was.

I held up my right forehoof, the ticket flapping lazily in the breeze. The fact that it hadn’t detached and floated off yet provided firm evidence of my predicament. Quick as a flash, Applejack jerked her head and ensnared the ticket with the rope. …What? How did she even do that? It didn’t seem physically possible!

Unfortunately, I was no longer able to ponder such mysteries of the universe as I was suddenly flung off my hooves and whirled about through the air. No, seriously, I was currently being whipped around in circles attached to that blasted ticket that was somehow caught in Applejack’s rope. Good thing I hadn’t had anything to eat recently, or else I totally would’ve hurled all over the place.

“AAAAAAJAAAAAAAY!!” I screamed in panic as I continued to spin right round. Suddenly, whatever force that was keeping me bound to a circular path relented. At last! Freedom! …Unfortunately, that also meant that I was now sailing through the air. Next stop: pain.

WHAM!

*****

“Ah’m sorry Twi, Ah thought that would do it fer sure! Can ya please forgive me?” Applejack begged from behind her Stetson hat. She looked quite distressed. But she was my best friend. And she was only trying to help. I sighed loudly as I held another cold pack to my nose and reclined against another apple tree.

“It’s alright, AJ. You were just trying to help. I really wish that would’ve worked, though.” Applejack looked relieved.

“So is it my turn, then?” Rainbow Dash spoke up, regarding me coolly. I glared at her past my cold pack, but then realized that my nose was no longer bleeding. With a groan, I staggered to my hooves and held out the ticket.

“Sure, knock yourself out,” I muttered indifferently. I doubted she could do anything, really. Applejack, probably the strongest pony in town, was unable to get it off. What was lowly little Rainbow Dash going to do?

She grinned fiercely. “All right, hold on to your hooves!” Why would I do that? Wait…

Rainbow Dash grabbed the ticket, flared her wings, and tensed her legs. My eyes widened. Oh no. No no no no NO NO NO N- “Wait! Noooo-”

WHOOSH!

“-OOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAA!!” I screamed in an absolute panic as the ground rapidly fell away from us. Why? Why must all these terrible things happen to poor little me? What did I ever do to deserve such cruel and unusual punishment? Clearly, the universe was out to get me. I cursed both it and Celestia with all of my will as I continued to scream for my life.

*****

I dry heaved for the fifth time. Once again, I was grateful I hadn’t eaten anything recently. Rainbow whooped and laughed as she corkscrewed into another wild, high-velocity stunt. I felt absolutely sick to my stomach.

And still terrified for my life.

But perhaps more than anything, I was furious at the blasted ticket that remained stubbornly attached to my hoof by a magical force. This was ridiculous! We were going so fast! My voice had long ago given out, and I’d lost track of how long this ride of terror had lasted. Suddenly, Rainbow’s voice could be heard over the howling wind. “Alright! Time for the grand finale!”

My eyes widened. Oh dear. And that was when I realized we were plummeting straight downwards. At an extremely unsafe velocity. My voice found its second wind as I screamed louder than I’ve ever screamed before. “AAAAAAAAAHH!!”

The ground seemed like it was racing up to greet us at an extremely uncomfortable pace. “I’m gonna die!” I shrieked in fear as I squeezed my eyes closed. Rainbow just whooped like a madmare, and I groaned in pain as my body suddenly experienced several intense forces as the crazy pegasus pulled up just in the nick of time.

However, said forces were rather considerable, and Rainbow Dash accidentally lost her grip on the ticket. I opened my eyes in fear at the sudden feeling of weightlessness, and grimaced in resignation as I saw the ground racing up to greet my beautiful face.

“Not again.”

WHAM!

*****

“Worst. Idea. Ever,” I groaned in agony as I lay on my back. Applejack was testing my limbs and chest to make sure nothing was broken. Spike was kind enough to wipe my face with a cool rag to clean off the dirt. Rainbow Dash anxiously hovered above me, deftly dodging the few feeble punches I threw her way.

“Hey, I said I was sorry! I’ll admit that last stunt was probably a bit much. But the rest was totally awesome, right? Wasn’t that fun?”

“Yeah,” I groused unconvincingly. “Fun.”

“Party pooper,” she muttered, sticking her tongue out at me.

“Rainbow Dash, of all th’ headstrong buffoons in this here town, yer th’ darnedest of them all! Ya coulda killed her with those crazy stunts!”

“Oh, and you couldn’t have? What if you had flung her into a tree?”

Applejack flushed bright red and hung her head in shame. “Point taken.”

“Girls,” I interjected. “It’s fine. I’m still alive. Just both of you stop trying to kill me and we’ll call it square,” I moaned pathetically. No more, I just couldn’t take it!

“So…” Rainbow began. “I guess you’re stuck with that ticket, huh?” I nodded glumly. “What about the other one?” she asked,

“Ah’ve got it,” Applejack replied casually. “Ah asked fer it first, an’ Ah got it.”

Uh oh. Here we go again. “So?” Rainbow shot back, shoving her face right into Applejack’s. “That doesn’t mean that you own it!”

“Oh yeah? Ah’m pretty sure that it does, actually.”

“Nuh uh!”

“Yuh huh!”

“Nuh uh!”

“Yuh huh!”

“You don’t deserve it! You almost smashed her into a tree with your freakish strength!”

“An’ y’all don’t deserve it neither! Ya practically killed th’ poor mare with yer ridiculous flyin’!”

“I’ll show you!” And then the conversation devolved into the sweet, soothing sounds of blows, angry grunts, and staggered taunts. I sat up with a slight groan and turned to watch the show. Wow. They were REALLY going at it! I could hardly see what was going on because of all the dust they were kicking up!

Spike and I, naturally, did the only thing that two sensible onlookers could possibly do in such a situation.

“FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!...”

*****

Much, much later...

“Heh…hoo…Consarn it…git back here…ya stinkin’ varmint…so Ah can tar yer feathers fer good…” Applejack panted from where she lay on the ground. She was extremely dirty, covered in bruises and scratches, her mane and tail were in complete disarray, and she looked completely exhausted.

Rainbow Dash fared no better. “Yeah…right…get over here…so I can knock your block off…” she panted back. Both mares feebly tried to stand so they could get another hit in on the other, but neither were successful. The golden ticket lay, forgotten, a few yards from both of them.

I strode over to it, picked it up, and walked over to the two exhausted mares, slowly clapping my forehooves as I did so. “Bravo, marvelous, most entertaining,” I said as both mares eyed me curiously. “I just wish there had been popcorn.”

“Not…now…Twi…” Applejack panted. “Gotta teach this one…a lesson…”

“No you don’t,” I stated flatly. “You’re both done. Admit it. And I happen to have the ticket right here.” I held it up to make my point and immediately captured both mares’ attention.

“Twilight…ain’t that mah ticket?” Applejack asked.

“WHAT?!” Rainbow shouted loudly. “Her ticket? But what about me? I tried to help you too! And I put away all those apples!” My face fell as I suddenly realized what a bad spot I was in. I had already promised the ticket to Applejack, but if I straight-up handed it to her in front of Rainbow’s face, she might not consider me her ‘friend’ anymore! And that would mean that I’d have to go and make new ones!

And that was absolutely unacceptable.

“Uh…” I began nervously, unsure of how exactly to handle the situation. Thankfully, my stomach decided to speak for me.

GGRRROOOWWWLLL

And then my brilliant brain decided to function for a brief period of time. Ah, yes. Perfect timing. Both mares noticed my stomach’s loud protest and raised their eyebrows a bit. I blushed slightly. I made a show of clutching my belly in pain. “Oooohh,” I moaned. “I just realized how hungry I am… Sorry AJ, but I think we can both agree the situation has changed a bit. Look, I’m going to go get some food in town, and then I’ll head to the library and see if I can’t figure out how to get this blasted ticket off. If I can, then I’ll give you each one ticket. If I can’t…at least I’ll be able to decide on a full stomach. Okay?”

“Okay…” they both said dejectedly.

“Alright then, it’s settled. Catch you girls later!” I called cheerfully over my shoulder as I made my great escape into town, Spike in tow. Finally! A chance to eat!

And maybe if I was really lucky, they’d beat each other into unconsciousness and forget about the whole ordeal. Twilight, you are truly a genius.

*****

“So…who are you going to give the ticket to, Twilight?” Spike asked worriedly from my back as we strolled through town, looking for a good place to eat at.

“I don’t know, Spike,” I replied honestly. “Whoever I don’t give the ticket to could potentially get really mad at me and no longer want to be my friend, and if that happens I’ll have to start over and make more friends! That would be simply awful! Also, they are both completely capable of kicking the crap out of my flank. I really hope I can find a way to get this ticket off, and soon.”

Spike nodded thoughtfully, tapping his chin with a single scaly finger. “I know what you mean,” he replied. “It was almost as though they walked up to us and asked to be friends. Doubt that happens every day.”

“Exactly,” I replied. “Now where should we eat?”

Spike made a show of sniffing the air, but his eyes suddenly widened. “Whoa, Twilight, smell that?”

I took a deep whiff of the air. My efforts were rewarded with the most sensational sweet smell drifting lazily into my nostrils. Whatever that divine smell was, I wanted some of THAT. “Oh Luna…that smells REALLY good! Time to follow that smell!” I took off, eagerly following my nose. Our journey brought us to the front doors of Sugarcube Corner.

Well that was predictable. Should’ve just come here in the first place. It’s almost as if the universe wants me to run into Pinkie Pie or somethi-

WHAM!

Oh, hello pain. I’ve missed you. Not really, it’s just that we’ve been seeing each other quite a bit recently. So I made a joke about it. Funny, right? Screw you pain, you have no sense of humor. Hurry up and leave already. “Ow…” I groaned pitifully from where I lay on the ground. My cry of pain was quickly rewarded with a loud shriek that nearly blew out my eardrums.

“AAAAAH! BATS! BATS ON MY FACE! HEEEELP!” the voice of Pinkie Pie very suddenly screamed at the top of her lungs. I winced in pain and groaned again. Why did it have to be Pinkie Pie? Why oh why?

Wait…bats? What on Equestria was the crazy lunatic pink pony talking about? I sat up and saw the spare golden ticket gently floating to the ground. The other was still firmly attached to my forehoof.

Uh oh.

Just as quickly as she started, Pinkie Pie screeched to a halt before me and bent down to examine the ticket more closely. “Wait…these aren’t…TICKETS TO THE GRAND GALLOPING GALA?!” she exclaimed excitedly.

Oh boy. Here we go again.

“It’s the most amazing, incredible, tremendous, super-fun…” Aaaand she’s off. In classic Pinkie Pie fashion, I’m sure she was very busy spouting off all the reasons why the Gala is totally awesome and why she totally wants to go. I, meanwhile, will reflect on how this development totally makes my life more difficult.

Oh, and she also broke into song. Again in classic Pinkie Pie fashion. How in the wide world of Equestria I managed to become associated with this mare continues to escape me. Another one of my ‘friends.’ I met Spike’s gaze as Pinkie jumped around us continuing to be obnoxious. We simultaneously made a gagging motion.

Time to tune back in to channel Pinkie to see if she’s done yet. “…sugar cubes and sugar canes and sundaes and sunrays and sasparilla and…”

Nope, just advertisements.

“Oh thank you, Twilight!” she finally said in a somewhat normal tone of voice. “It’s the most wonderfullest gift ever!” And then she beamed a smile so wide I could practically see my reflection in those pearly whites. The smile seemed to widen as she suddenly started to giggle like crazy. “Heehee…wow, Twilight, did you have an accident this morning? That’s quite the shiner you’ve got there…”

I let out a short huff of annoyance. Guess I’ve learned my lesson: don’t open your door without any warning. Or rather, don’t open your door at all. Sounds good to me. “Applejack. Accident. Long story.”

“Ohhhh,” Pinkie nodded in understanding. “That would do it! I remember this one time, in band camp-”

“Pinkie,” I interrupted. Not putting up with nonsense tangents right now. Back to the problem at hoof. Okay, how to explain this nicely so as to not set the crazy one off… “I’m sorry to say this, but I’ve already promised this ticket to either Applejack or Rainbow Dash.”

Pinkie cocked her head in confusion. “Oh? Which one of them?”

“Er…I’m not sure yet. I’m still deciding.”

She wasn’t quite getting the picture. “Sooo it doesn’t quite belong to anypony yet. Which means you could give it to me,” she finished with that same radiant smile.

I sighed in defeat and hung my head. Truly, I was just destined to suffer. Hopefully it would one day make me great. One day, but not this day. I did have the other ticket, though. Dare I tempt the powers of the crazy one?

Yes. I am willing to do anything for the satisfaction of sticking it to Celestia. Even things that are probably, under any other circumstances, really, really stupid. “But you know, Pinkie…” I said in a slow, deliberate undertone. “I just so happen to have this other ticket here…”

Pinkie’s face lit up even more. “You do?” she squealed excitedly.

“Yeah…but there’s just one teensy little problem.”

“And that is?” she inquired in confusion, cocking her head once again.

“I can’t get it off of me,” I said simply. Pinkie frowned briefly as she processed my words before breaking out into a grin once again.

“Silly Twilight, I can handle that for you! It’s just as easy as this!” she announced confidently as she grabbed the ticket and yanked. It didn’t budge. At all. Pinkie’s expression quickly turned to one of bewilderment as she tugged harder and harder, but with all of her efforts leading to naught.

“Um, Twilight, I think you have to let go,” she said flatly.

I smiled disarmingly. “That’s just the thing, Pinkie. I’m not holding onto it.” I slid the ticket up to rest on my foreleg. “Now try.”

Once again, the pink one was defeated by the power of Celestia’s magic. But instead of acting defeated, she decided instead to grin happily. “Wow, Twilight! That’s a REALLY good magic trick! What’s the secret? Can you tell me? Huh? Pleaaase?”

It took all of my considerable willpower to not facehoof right there. “Pinkie,” I said simply. “It’s not me that’s doing this. It’s Celestia’s Adhesion Spell she cast on the ticket.”

“Ohhhhhhh,” she cooed in understanding.

“And if you can get it off, the ticket’s all yours,” I finished, bracing myself for the worst.

Pinkie smartly saluted. “I’m on it, skipper! Time for the cupcake solution!”

I was about to open my mouth to ask what exactly that was, but I’m afraid my brain temporarily shut down just at that moment. It was probably just shocked into inactivity at what it saw next. Pinkie Pie whipped a cupcake out of nowhere, smashed it into my foreleg, smeared it around, and attempted to use the icing/chocolate mix as a lubricant to get the ticket off. Suffice to say, it didn’t work.

But that wasn’t the strangest part. Oh no, not by a longshot. Once she determined her method was not producing the desired result, she extended her tongue by WAY more than she should have been able to do, wrapped it several times around my leg, and then slurped up all the cupcake residue, leaving my foreleg squeaky clean and just slightly damp. She then gulped it all down, smacked her lips, and sighed contentedly. “Teehee! Rainbow flavored!”

…What. “I’m…going to pretend that never happened…” I said slowly, still unable to grasp Pinkie’s ability to defy the laws of nature and common sense. Spike looked just as bewildered and disgusted as I felt. I also noticed that he held the other ticket in his claw.

“Huh,” Pinkie said thoughtfully, either due to her lack of attentiveness or by choice not responding to my comment. “Throwing cupcakes at the problem has always worked before! I wonder why it didn’t work this time?”

“I haven’t the foggiest,” I deadpanned. “Now do you have any other brilliant ideas, or should I just be on my way?”

Pinkie grinned fiercely at me. “Weeeell…I do have just ONE more idea.” And with that, she reached behind herself and whipped out a gigantic blue cannon. I balked at the sight. Oh, that CAN’T be good…

Where did she even get that? It doesn’t seem physically…

Ugh. Never mind. “So…” I began cautiously. “You were saying?”

*****

I can’t believe I’m actually agreeing to do this. This is madness at its finest. Here I am, stuffed into the bottom of a giant blue cannon, the ticket attached to my hind leg and also tied to the back of the barrel. The idea was that the blast would separate my body from the ticket. In theory. A completely baseless theory purported by a particularly psychotic pink pony.

And just to make matters worse, the whole process of actually getting me IN to the cannon was rather long, awkward, and painful. We got a lot of funky stares, too. Fortunately, it seemed as though the pink party pony’s prolific reputation preceded her, as none of the pony passerby of Ponyville paused to peruse the purpose of our potentially perplexing plan. I also got several rather unappreciated comments from Pinkie along the lines of “jeez, Twilight, why are you so big?”

Hmph. As if she is one to talk. Spike was no help either.

I took a brief moment to reflect on how exactly I managed to end up in this situation. I guess I’m so desperate to wipe that smug expression off of Celestia’s face I’m willing to do almost anything. Yeah, I’m probably really stupid like that. The suddenness of Pinkie’s voice breaks me out of my reverie. “Ready, Twilight?”

Oh boy. Here we go. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Okie-dokie-lokie! Earning Pinkie Pie a super-duper fantastic ticket to the Gala in THREE! TWO! ONE!”

FWOOMPH!

“Yow!” I helped in surprise and a slight bit of pain. And then everything went black. This time, however, I was still conscious. But I couldn’t see anything regardless. I suppose it wasn’t a big surprise that it didn’t work. And that I was still stuck inside of a cannon. A suddenly extremely dusty cannon. I coughed a couple times to clear my throat.

“Uhh, Twilight? You okay?” I heard the voice of Spike ask.

“Yeah,” I coughed back. “I’m alright. But I don’t think it worked.”

“I don’t think so either,” Pinkie replied glumly. “Well that settles it then, I’m all out of ideas.”

“That’s…unfortunate,” I slowly reply. “Can you get me out of here now?”

“Oh sure!” Quick as a flash, I felt the force on my hind leg loosen, and then the cannon tilted and I tumbled out onto the street and into the bright sunshine. I would’ve taken a moment to reflect on how exactly Pinkie managed to do all of that so quickly if my concentration hadn’t been completely shattered by yet another ear-piercing shriek. It wasn’t Pinkie Pie this time, though…

“PINKIE PIE!” a voice angrily exclaimed. “What on Equestria are you doing? It’s hard enough keeping everything in tip-top shape with that disaster Rainbow Dash around town! I don’t need you making my job even more difficult than it already is!” Wait, what was that smell?

“Rarity, I don’t know what you mean,” Pinkie replied nonchalantly.

I turned to face Rarity just in time to see her scoff and point at me. Behind her, Spike was practically suffocating in his attempts to restrain his laughter. “I’m talking about this! Look at what you have done to poor Twilight! That is Twilight, right? Yes, and you have completely RUINED her! This is an absolute crime against fabulousity! Why, only a few days ago I had to fix Twilight up after a run-in with Rainbow Dash…” Oh, yes. ‘Fix up.’ That’s a bit of an understatement.

Wait, what was she talking about? I looked down at myself and balked yet again. I was covered head to hoof in soot! I looked like my own shadow. Oh, was Rarity talking? “…And I don’t need you exasperating my problems! Understand?” She glared at Pinkie with the ferocity of a manticore. Pinkie meekly nodded. “Good,” Rarity said, all traces of anger melting away from her face in a heartbeat. “Now, if you don’t mind me asking, what exactly were you attempting to accomplish?”

Pinkie held up my hind leg, ticket still attached. “I was trying to get this ticket off of Twilight so I could go with her to the Gala!”

Rarity gasped as she beheld the ticket, which of course was still just as shiny and gold as ever. Hmph. How unfair. “The Gala?! I design ensembles for the Gala every year! But I’ve never had the opportunity to attend. Oh, the society, the culture, the glamor! It’s where I truly belong. And where I’m destined to meet…HIM!”

Who? “Him!” Pinkie Pie cheered. Wait, what? How did she know? Why am I always left out of the loop? “Who?” Pinkie suddenly asked, an expression of confusion on her face.

…Confound you, Pinkie Pie.

“Him,” Rarity repeated. I rolled my eyes. What a ridiculous name. “I would stroll through the Gala…” Rarity began extravagantly. However, by this time I was now an expert on detecting long monologues detailing why the pony in question wanted to attend the Gala, so I promptly tuned out with a sigh. Darn it Rarity, I was hoping you were the one friend I could count on to maintain a normal level of speech. Guess I was asking for too much with that one.

And that unidentified smell was still hanging in the air. I could almost put my hoof on it, but still it eluded me.

“Twilight!” It’s a good thing I respond so well to my name, it does wonders to snap me out of my ignorant stupors. “I simply cannot believe you would invite Pinkie Pie so she can…‘party,’ and prevent me from meeting my true love! How could you?” Rarity whined. And then, with a ‘hmph,’ she turned away from me and stuck her nose in the air. I briefly wondered how she couldn’t smell the smelly smell that smelly smelled.

There was still one question though. “Wait, who are you talking about again?”

Rarity looked miffed. “Weren’t you even paying attention? Prince Blueblood of course!” …What. My gaze met Spike’s, who miraculously managed to tear his away from Rarity for a change, and we stared at each other for a couple of seconds in disbelief.

And then we both cracked up.

“WHAT??” I managed to ask through my uproarious laughter. “Y-you can’t be serious!”

“Wanting to court Blueblood!” Spike snorted alongside me. “That’s just…p-priceless!” Neither of us could maintain a standing position any longer. We both flopped onto the ground to continue laughing our flanks off.

Rarity was glaring at us most intensely. “How dare you make fun of my dreams! Stop that this instant you ruffians!”

After a few more moments we finally started to calm down. “No but seriously, Rarity,” I continued, wiping away a tear. “Do you have any idea what he’s like?”

“You’ve met him?” she asked excitedly.

“In a manner of speaking…”

“What’s he like?” she begged, practically touching my nose with hers her face was so close to mine. But never touching, of course, lest she get herself dirty.

“Well…” I said slowly, trying to decide the nicest way to describe him. “He’s…well, he’s…”

“A total dick,” Spike interjected. I stared at him for a moment before simply shrugging it off. Tell it like it is, right?

“Yeah. He’s like that.”

Rarity looked quite offended. “Hmph! I’m sure you two are the perfect judges of character.”

“Finally somepony agrees with me!” I agreed enthusiastically.

“I was being sarcastic darling,” Rarity deadpanned. …Oh. Drat. I thought I’d finally won somepony over. Maybe someday…

I let loose a long sigh. For like the thousandth time today. And that blasted smell was still there. “Alright Rarity,” I explained. “Your wildly misled love interests aside, I only have two tickets and one of them is stuck to me. As I’m sure you can imagine, everypony wants one. I haven’t decided who to give them to yet. However, if you can get this blasted ticket off of me, it’s all yours.”

Rarity’s face did two things at once. Light up in excitement, and furrow in confusion. It was…rather impressive, actually. “Stuck? Whatever do you mean, darling?” I held the ticket out by means of explanation. She tentatively grabbed it and pulled. No luck.

She chuckled lightly at that. “Twilight, darling, you actually have to let go of the ticket you know.” I shifted the ticket farther up my foreleg. She tried again. “I say, what sort of trickery is this?” she questioned in bewilderment.

“Celestia’s Adhesion Spell,” I explained shortly. “I have no idea how to undo it. You have any?”

Rarity’s eyes sparkled. “You better believe that I do.”

Suddenly, Pinkie Pie spoke up. “Um, Twilight? Just thought I should let you know…your butt is on fire.” My eyes went wide. I whirled around to look at my rump. Sure enough, the fur was blackened and sizzling.

Oh. Well that certainly explains the smell. Another mystery solved.

“YYYOOOOOWWWW!!”

*****

Problem? What problem? I don’t see any problem here. There never was one, and there never was going to be. This is amazing. Rarity is now my new best friend. Who else would be kind enough to drag their soot-covered friend home and then throw them into a hot bubble bath to relax for a little while? Especially after said friend jumped into the fountain in order to extinguish their butt. Which still stung a bit.

I mean, sure my hoof hurt from where she’d been frantically trying to scrub the ticket off with all sorts of enchanted shampoos and whatnot, but that’s only a minor inconvenience. I let out another sigh of contentment as I leaned back in the hot soapy water, pressing yet another cold pack to my black eye. Rarity was kind enough to provide one after shrieking in horror at yet another crime against fabulousity directed at me, as well as a rather amusing rant about the dangers of Applejack which I actually listened to. It was quite entertaining. Apparently all of my ‘friends’ were walking disasters in her eyes. Except for maybe Fluttershy and my own elegant self. “Any luck?” I asked sleepily.

“I’m afraid not,” Rarity answered with a slight hint of desperation in her voice. She let out a heavy sigh and let my hoof drop back into the water. Lifting it up, I could see the ticket was still attached. And in perfect condition. But as if that wasn’t enough, I could see the beginnings of a rash where Rarity had scrubbed so hard.

Great. Just great.

“I suppose it was folly to try and undo one of Celestia’s spells,” Rarity began sadly. “I guess meeting the stallion of my dreams is too much to ask for,” she continued with a sigh. “It was never meant to be…”

Okay, I’ll admit it. I felt bad for her, even if she had no idea what she was signing up for with Blueblood. Maybe he had changed? It was a remote possibility I supposed. I hadn’t seen him in forever. So as much as I REALLY didn’t want to do this, I felt I owed Rarity something for all she’d done for me. “Well…” I began. “I haven’t yet decided who to give the other ticket to…”

Her eyes immediately lit up. “Really?”

“Yes, but…” I began, only to be interrupted by my stomach loudly growling. Rarity’s eyes widened. It was…pretty loud. I blushed once again. “Well…that. I can’t make big decisions on an empty stomach. I’ve been trying to get something to eat all day but it hasn’t really worked out yet.”

Rarity’s face took on a determined expression. “Say no more, say no more!” she cried. “I shall take care of this problem once and for all! Why don’t you climb out of that bath and join me downstairs for an early supper, hm?”

Bath AND food? Well that settles it. Definitely new best friend.

“That sounds fantastic,” I said enthusiastically as I climbed out of the water. I was delighted to see that my coat, mane, and tail were back to their respective purple colors. After I stepped out, I was greeted by a warm fluffy towel that dried me off. Soon I felt good as new. Although still dreadfully hungry.

“Come along, Twilight!” Rarity practically sang as she trotted out of the room. “We musn’t dawdle!” I happily followed her downstairs and into the kitchen, marveling once again at how surprisingly cozy her home was. However, something felt…off. Like I was forgetting something. It took a few moments of mulling over a cup of tea before it hit me.

“Rarity? Where’s Spike?”

“Hm?” she asked as she started pulling out pots and pans. She turned to regard me with a confused expression. “I thought he headed back to the library.”

I frowned. “That doesn’t sound right, he still had the other ticket.” Rarity’s eyes widened in fear. “Sorry Rarity, but we’ll have to do this another time. Right now I need to go find Spike.”

“But of course!” she agreed. “Who knows where the ticket-er, I mean, the poor dear could be?” I pretended to ignore her little slip-up. She certainly had her priorities straight. Spike was practically my brother, and he was missing! Hmph. Some friend.

I opened the door but paused to stare, aghast, at the most unexpected thing imaginable. A little white rabbit barreled past with the golden ticket in its mouth. A RABBIT of all things! And then, not even a few seconds later, Spike went running by shouting, “get back here you little thief!”

Well. One problem solved. I turned to Rarity and smiled apologetically. “Sorry Rarity, but I’m afraid there’s a rather unexpected development I must attend to.”

She frowned in confusion. I’m not sure she saw what just raced past her front door. “Whatever do you mean Twilight? Do you know where Spike is?”

“Yep!” I called as I headed out the door. “Don’t you worry, I’ll be back once I decide!”

And with that, I turned to sprint after Spike and that dumb rabbit.

*****

“Angel, as much as I appreciate your gift, you can’t just take things from other ponies that aren’t yours. Understand?” A rather chagrined-looking rabbit nodded sadly at the butter-yellow pegasus standing before it. Spike stood off to one side, ticket in claw, panting rather heavily and looking quite irritated.

“Spike!” I called as I approached the group. “What happened?”

The little dragon turned to face me, his expression still clearly displaying his displeasure. “I was following you and Rarity when the ticket got swiped. I yelled at you and then chased that dumb rabbit around for half an hour. What tipped you off that I was missing?” he added sarcastically.

I smiled sheepishly. “Sorry, Spike. Rarity was talking a mile a minute about Luna-knows-what and it was kinda hard to see through all that soot. She was kind enough to get me a bath, though, so that was nice.” I draped a foreleg over his shoulders to give him a quick hug. “Thanks for your effort. I appreciate it.”

Spike’s derisive frown melted into an appreciative smile. “Yeah, well, at least you know how lucky you are to have me around,” he boasted jokingly, puffing out his chest. “I gave up the chance to spend time with Rarity for you.” Oh, brother.

“Um, excuse me, Twilight…” I turned to face Fluttershy with a look of bewilderment. First of all, oh wow she actually knew my name and was actually talking to ME. Second of all, oh wow she was actually talking in the first place! “Um…what happened to your face? Are you okay?”

I sighed. Of course. “Applejack. Accident. Long story. I’m fine, thank you. Now what is it that you wanted?”

Fluttershy looked put-off, but somehow managed to work up the courage to continue. “I would just like to ask, I mean, if it would be alright…if you haven’t given it to somepony else…”

“You?” I asked in surprise. “You want to go to the Gala? With its crowds, and loud noises, and…” Okay, maybe that was a bit much. She distinctly cringed at my words and was now looking decidedly uncomfortable. But she still managed to respond to my question.

“No.” See, that’s what I thought. Suddenly, the little rabbit started thumping on her with one of its hind legs. Was it…trying to tell her something? “I mean…yes,” Fluttershy corrected herself, smiling happily at the now pleased-looking rabbit.

Now I’d seen everything. A pony that can talk to a rabbit. Awesome.

“Or, actually, kind of. You see…” Aaaaand there goes my cognitive functions. Wow. Here I am, talking to the shyest pony I think I’ve ever met, and my brain has currently shut down due to being barraged by an incessantly long monologue. AGAIN. I can’t believe that all of my friends have the exact same problem. Especially Fluttershy of all ponies.

Actually, maybe this is all part of Celestia’s nefarious plan. She knows how much I hate ponies who don’t know when to shut up! I bet she planned all along for these five to be my friends so that they could all drive me CRAZY! Wow. She’s good. I really need to step up my game. I’m tired of being subjected to these sorts of cruel jokes.

I took a break from wallowing in self-pity to turn back to Fluttershy. She had finished talking some time ago and was now regarding me expectantly, waiting for a response. Uh oh. Think fast, Twilight. “Um…gee Fluttershy, it sounds…beautiful?”

“Doesn’t it just?” she sighed dreamily. I wouldn’t actually know, I have no idea what she was talking about.

“Listen Fluttershy,” I began to explain for the umpteenth time that day. “I only have one extra ticket, and as you can imagine everypony wants it. THIS one, however,” I said, holding up my forehoof. “Is all yours if you can figure out how to get it off.”

Fluttershy blinked. “Well?”

“Get it…off?” she asked in confusion.

I groaned in frustration. “Yes. Celestia put an Adhesion Spell on it and now I can’t get it off but I really don’t want to go to the stinking Gala!” I vented, perhaps a bit more loudly than was entirely necessary. This was evidenced by how Fluttershy was currently hiding behind a part of her long, pink mane. I finally gave in to my long-standing urge and facehoofed. “Ugh. Sorry. It’s been a stressful day.”

“Oh, um…that’s okay. What do you think, Angel? Any ideas?” Fluttershy asked the rabbit. I shrugged it off. Not the strangest thing I’d seen today. Not by a longshot. The rabbit waved his stubby little arms and chattered incessantly. Fluttershy nodded her head as if she actually understood what it was saying. I briefly questioned whether she could actually communicate with it or if it was a specially trained rabbit that would pretend to speak for her whenever she was uncertain in order to hide her social insecurities.

I’ll ask later.

“Okay, that sounds like a good plan,” Fluttershy responded once the rabbit was finished spazzing out. She turned to us. “Why don’t you come back to my place? I’ll see if I can’t find anything to help you. Also, Angel makes a very good wild greens salad.”

My stomach loudly announced its agreement. I blushed. “That sounds good. Lead the way.” Spike caught my gaze with one eyebrow raised, as if questioning my decision. I simply shrugged him off. I didn’t really care what he thought.

I was a hungry and desperate mare.

*****

“Well I’ll be, this actually looks edible,” I commented as Angel the rabbit placed a salad before me. The fluffy little thing saluted and grinned in response. Although I’m not yet certain, I’m definitely leaning toward the ‘trained rabbit’ side of my previous debate.

Spike and I were currently seated in Fluttershy’s living room, which was surprisingly cozy. Rather unsurprisingly, though, her cottage was quite separated from the main part of Ponyville. What was up with this pony? Why the quest for such privacy? Was she doing secret experiments in her shed or something?

Whatever. Questions can wait. Food now. And then Fluttershy would show up with whatever brilliant plan her ‘animal friends’ helped her whip up and hopefully I’d be off scot-free. I really doubted that, though. I would probably end up questioning her mental stability instead.

I speared some of the salad on the fork that was provided and lifted it to my mouth when yet another unexpected event occurred. Seriously, it was like the universe was out to get me or something.

A bird landed on my head.

I paused mid-bite to look up at it. It was nothing special, just a seemingly ordinary sparrow. It just sat there, regarding me with a rather bird-like expression. I glanced at Spike but he just shrugged. “Um…hi,” I said, entirely unsure of what kind of reaction this would provoke.

Much to my surprise, however, the bird responded by jumping off my head and fluttering down to my left shoulder. It then began to steadily hop down my leg towards the hoof where…the golden ticket just happened to rest.

Oh dear.

Time to try to head this off before anything regrettable happened. “Um…listen, I appreciate your offer to help but I’m not sure that-” The bird completely ignored me and, upon reaching the golden ticket, decided it was a good idea to peck my hoof.

“YOW!” I screeched in pain, jerking my left forehoof upwards and, regrettably, dropping my food-laden fork. “The hay was that for?” I yelled as the bird started to circle overhead. Suddenly, Fluttershy appeared around the corner.

“Okay, Twilight. I’ve talked things over with all my animal friends and they have decided to help. Isn’t it wonderful?”

No. No it was not wonderful. Not in the slightest. “Fluttershy, listen. I don’t think-”

She wasn’t paying the slightest attention to me, though. “Okay, friends! Make momma proud!” And then a veritable HORDE of birds, insects, small rodents, and other cute woodland creatures poured around the corner and began to advance on us.

“Fluttershy!” I called in fear. “I really don’t think this is a good-”

And then the bear stepped around the corner.

…NOPE.

*****

“AAAAAAAAAAHH!!” Spike and I screamed in terror as we BOOKED IT back into town, a steady trail of various animals chasing us. I have no idea what Fluttershy was thinking, but there is no way in Tartarus I’m going back to that blasted cottage any time soon.

Still screaming, and completely uncaring of whether or not the animals were still following us, we tore through town square, raced down the streets, careened through alleyways, and zoomed through intersections until we finally, at last, reached the safety of the library. And then we promptly shut and locked the doors and every window, barricaded any other possible entrances, and turned out all the lights.

Finally safe, we collapsed, panting, on the living room floor. “Well…” Spike began. “I’m not…gonna say…‘told ya so’…cuz I can’t breathe…”

“Alright…alright…you were right. Sorry…” I responded, still heaving for air.

“’Salright…glad we…made it out…one piece…”

“Yeah…” I agreed.

But the unexpected train was not parked in the station yet.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!

We both groaned in disappointment. “Should we answer?” I asked.

“Probably,” Spike replied. “This IS a library after all…maybe they just want a book?”

I frowned. He had a good point. But I had a better one. “What if it’s the animals?”

“Hah!” Spike laughed. “Twilight, please. The only animal capable of knocking like that would be that bear. And I think we would’ve heard screaming if there was a bear walking through Ponyville.”

“We were screaming too,” I pointed out.

“Well…if it was a bear, it would’ve already busted down the door. Therefore not a bear.”

I sighed in defeat. I’ve taught him how to reason things out a bit too well. “Alright, fine, I’m going.” Time to put my most recent lesson learned to work. “Coming!” I called. Hesitantly, I unlocked the door and slowly creaked it open. I was quite surprised to see a large crowd of ponies standing just outside. “Um…can I help you?” I asked uncertainly.

“BOO!”

“YAAAAAGGH!!” I shrieked in fear as I jumped several feet into the air. The source of my fright soon revealed itself to be Pinkie Pie, who had been cleverly concealed behind the open door. I was dimly aware of the crowd and Spike laughing. As soon as I was sure I wasn’t dying of a heart attack I turned to glare at her. “Pinkie!”

Pinkie ignored me and bent down to examine my hoof. Seeing that the ticket was still there, she snapped her hoof in dismay. Which I have no idea how she did. “Darn! I was hoping I could scare the ticket off of you,” she explained. That, surprisingly, was actually a decent idea in retrospect.

“Good effort,” I responded. “But not good enough.”

Pinkie just smiled. “That’s okay, because I brought half the town along! Aren’t I helpful?”

“You did?” I asked, turning to examine the crowd of ponies. They, in turn, were all examining me curiously. And snickering at my black eye.

“Nice bruise!” one of the crowd called, causing the rest to laugh. I just huffed and rolled my eyes.

I turned back to Pinkie. “I can see that you did. And yes, that is rather helpful,” I replied with a surprising amount of honesty. Maybe she wasn’t so bad after all…

Pinkie beamed. I turned back to the crowd and cleared my throat. “Ahem. Attention everypony! Your attention please!” The crowd grew silent. I held up my forehoof with the ticket attached. It fluttered lazily in the breeze.

“As you can see, I currently possess one ticket to the Grand Galloping Gala.” I paused as that stirred up an understandable amount of commotion. “However, it’s had an Adhesion Spell placed on it and I can’t get it off. If any of you can successfully separate it, the ticket is yours. Any takers?” The crowd murmured to itself in thought. I was a bit disappointed. I was hoping for an instantaneous solution with this many ponies present.

Curse you, Celestia.

“I bet this would do the trick!” a pony in the crowd shouted. I turned towards the source of the voice, delighted.

I immediately wished that I hadn’t said anything.

The pony in question was holding up a rusty sword. I blanched visibly. “Um…that’s not exactly what I mea-”

“Or this!” another pony called, holding up a large, spiky mace. Soon other ponies began to chorus their agreement and hold up various sharp, dangerous objects.

“My grandfather still has his old spear!”

“We just got a new shipment of acid!”

“I know a maiming spell! Think that would work?”

“Step aside! Step aside! Coming through!” I heard the first voice call. I finally got a good glimpse of the purple pony holding the sword. She was staggering slightly and had a definite slur to her words.

Oh bad. Oh bad. Oh bad bad bad.

“Twilight…what are we gonna do?” Spike asked with worry in his voice as he stepped protectively in front of me. I turned to Pinkie, intent on asking her what in the blazes was the meaning of all this. To my everlasting surprise, she was wearing a bandanna and eye patch and casually sharpening a sabre on a hoofheld whetstone, not paying even the slightest bit of attention to me.

On the other hoof, maybe Pinkie Pie was a crazy, murderous psychopath.

There was only one thing to do. “We’re…gonna…RUUUUN!!” I screamed in terror as I took off as fast as I could. Spike could only hold on for dear life as I tore around my house to the back. The crowd was right on my heels.

The next half-hour was the most terrifying one of my life. Running from a rampaging town riot, even if they didn’t really realize what they were themselves, is not exactly a happy experience. Somehow, despite my complete lack of athletic ability, using a combination of conveniently located costumes, sneaky hiding places, and pure, dumb luck, Spike and I managed to avoid the crowd for the entire duration.

As often as we tried to hide, though, the crowd always managed to find us within five minutes and resume the bloodthirsty chase. Well, it seemed bloodthirsty to me. At some point during the chase I became aware of the most obnoxious music I’ve ever heard. It almost seemed to be making fun of my dire predicament! Eventually, I established that the source was a blonde-maned gray pegasus in the crowd who was running around holding a gramophone. I made a mental note to exact my revenge at a later date should I survive.

But now, it was the end. We were trapped in a dead-end alley. This was bound to happen eventually, I had only been in Ponyville for a few days! I took a moment to reflect on that. Wow. Only a few days in town and already I’m being corralled by half the town like some dumb animal.

Stupid Ponyville.

As we were backed up against a wall by the menacing, slowly-approaching crowd, Spike bravely stood his ground in front of me and closed his eyes, waiting for the end. I looked about frantically for a potential escape, for some sort of saving grace.

There was none. Truly, this was the end. I closed my eyes and waited.

There was a purple flash of light.

*****

Everything was quiet. No voices. No accursed music. No thundering hooves. Just the smell of mold, dust, and paper. I meekly poked my good eye open and looked about. We were in the library.

We made it! We’re gonna live!

“Ugh…warn me next time you’re gonna do that…” Spike groaned from beside me.

I ignored him. “WOOHOO!! Yes! Spike we’re okay! We’re okay! WE’RE GONNA BE OKAY!!” I screamed in ecstasy as I cavorted about the library, relishing the feeling of just being alive.

Spike was less enthused. I noticed with some apathy that he appeared to be a bit singed. “Spike? You alright?” I asked as I hurriedly shut and locked the door. At least the rest of the house was already sealed up.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he muttered, brushing himself off a bit. “Geez, I’m a mess. I had no idea you could teleport so far, Twilight.”

I paused at that. I guess I did, huh? It was the only logical explanation. “Huh. I didn’t know either. I didn’t really try, to be honest.”

“Really?” Spike asked incredulously. “Wow, that’s impressive! You’re, like, a total natural!”

“Hey, you’re right!” I concurred enthusiastically. “Guess this means that I’m ready for that upcoming test!”

“Totally,” Spike replied, trying unsuccessfully to clean himself off. “Think I’m going to go take a bath. Today has been ridiculous.”

“Tell me about it,” I agreed. It was then that I noticed it was dark out. Was that the time already? My oh my how the time flies when your life is continually on the line. “Spike, get the lights on your way up!” I called after him as I slumped dejectedly into a chair. I was still starving, and there was still no food in the house, but unfortunately there was no longer anything I could do about it seeing as half the town wished me bodily harm at this point.

Stupid, cruel universe.

It was then that the lights flicked on. Imagine my surprise when I see Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy all seated in my living room, smiling expectantly at me. Totally not creepy at all. Nope.

I reacted appropriately. “AAAAAAAHHH!!”

There was a soft thump as I fell over backwards in my chair. But at this point, I no longer really cared. I let out a long, dejected sigh. “What do you want?”

“Well, howdy ta you too, Twilight,” Applejack replied. “We jest stopped by ta see if ya had any success gittin’ th’ ticket off. Ya weren’t in, so we decided ta wait fer ya.”

I facehoofed. Fortunately, they didn’t see. “So you decided to hide in my house and lie in wait?”

“Um…no,” Fluttershy answered. “Sorry if we scared you, Twi, it’s just that you appeared so suddenly, and-”

“It’s fine,” I deadpanned, waving her off. “You’re my friends, so my home is your home I suppose.”

“That’s cool,” Rainbow Dash spoke up. “So how’s about it? Any luck?”

“NO!” I screamed at them as I got to my hooves. “And I’ve tried just about everything! This day has been simply horrid! I’ve been slammed into the ground three times, swung around like a puppet, flown about like a ragdoll, suffered one heck of a black eye, nearly got my tail pulled off, got covered in soot, had my rump set on fire, suffered a horrible rash, got attacked by a horde of animals, nearly suffered a heart attack, and was almost brutalized by half of this COMPLETELY BONKERS town!” All of my friends winced as I described everything that had happened to me over the course of the day.

“There is absolutely NO WAY to get this stinking ticket off!” I continued loudly. “And I know that you all want to go and all have your reasons but I can’t just give the ticket to one of you because then the rest of you will be mad and no longer want to be my friends and then I’ll have to make more which is basically impossible seeing as half of the town wants to maim or otherwise dismember me!” My friends were all hanging their heads in shame now. Good! Maybe now they understand what I’ve been through! I knew I should’ve just stayed in bed today…

I took a deep breath. “And to top it ALL off, I STILL HAVEN’T GOTTEN ANYTHING TO EAT TODAY!! So go ahead! Have the stupid blasted ticket!” I shouted as I grabbed the spare from the table where it was left and threw it at them. “Go ahead and fight over it for all I care! I! AM! DONE!” I finally finished berating them and stood there, chest heaving, eyes twitching, mane and tail in disarray, and all around a probably very sorry sight.

And to my great surprise, nopony made a move for the ticket.

Eventually, Applejack slowly stood up and walked over to me. “Twilight, sugar,” she began, placing a forehoof on my shoulder as she did so. “Ah…Ah didn’t mean ta put so much pressure on ya. An’ if it helps, Ah don’t want th’ ticket anymore. Y’all can give it ta somepony else. Ah won’t feel bad, Ah promise.”

“Me too,” Fluttershy added as she flew down to me. “I feel just awful that I made you feel so awful…”

“And me too!” Pinkie chorused. “It’s no fun upsetting your friends.”

“Twilight,” Rarity began. “It was unfair of me to try and force you as I did.”

“YES!” Rainbow Dash crowed, swooping down from her perch to grab the ticket. She held it aloft, admiring it. “That means the ticket is mine! Haha! I got the ticket…I got the ticket…I got the…hehe…um…”

It would appear that Rainbow Dash realized her error. Having six pairs of eyes staring angrily at you is usually a pretty good indicator. She slowly and reluctantly sidled over to me and held out the ticket. “You know…I haven’t really perfected my signature moves for the Wonderbolts, anyway. I don’t need that ticket either…”

Yeah. Yeah that’s what I thought, Rainbow. Real smooth. Punk.

“We all got so gung-ho ‘bout goin’ to th’ Gala that we couldn’t see how un-gung-ho we were makin’ you,” Applejack continued.

“We’re sorry, Twilight,” they all chorused sadly.

Rainbow’s temporary lapse in judgment aside, I felt a budding warmth towards these five ponies. Despite the tirade I just finished unleashing at them, they still apologized and were willing to sacrifice their own personal wishes to make my life easier.

Wow. Just…wow. These ponies were crazy, all of them. But in a good way. Maybe…just maybe…I could be a little bit crazy too. I felt a slight smile worm its way onto my lips. I also felt a brilliant plan building in my brain. It was one of those times to be a genius again!

I turned to Spike, who had been standing on the stairs with a bewildered expression the whole time. It was time for the first friendship report. “Spike, take a letter.” He hastened back downstairs and grabbed his writing utensils.

“Ready!”

“Dear Princess Celestia,” I began. “Today I learned that not being able to share with all your friends can be pretty annoying. It doesn’t feel good to say ‘no’ to somepony’s face. Therefore, I will be returning the extra ticket to the Grand Galloping Gala.” As I spoke, I floated the free ticket over to Spike with the letter. Unfortunately, the second remained firmly attached to my body.

“What?” My friends all chorused in disbelief. Didn’t see that coming, huh?

Now for the trump card. “And, since I won’t have a friend to come along with me, I would like to request that you take back the other ticket as well. If my friends can’t all go, I don’t want to go either!” I announced triumphantly, looking my friends in the eyes. They all looked astonished.

“Twilight, ya don’t have ta do that!” Applejack protested.

“Nope! I’ve made up my mind,” I responded. This was the perfect plan: guilt-trip Celestia into letting me off the hook. It was totally brilliant! There was no way this could back-fire. “Spike, you can send the letter now.” My trusty assistant wasted no time in popping the window open and incinerating the letter and ticket with a burst of green flame.

“Now you won’t get to go to the Gala either…” Fluttershy commented sadly.

I scoffed. “Don’t worry about me, girls. I’m sure I’ll live.” The others must have been really touched by my actions because they all piled in for a group hug, each chattering about how selfless I was. I begrudgingly decided to let them.

Huh. Maybe having friends wasn’t half-bad.

Still, I could do without the hugs. I met Spike’s eye and we both pretended to gag. Suddenly, he began to gag for real.

Uh oh. Royal Decree incoming.

“Well wallop mah withers, Spike!” Applejack suddenly yelled as she started walking over to him. I tried to warn her, but she was once again succumbing to her chronic weakness and running her mouth uncontrollably. “Isn’t that jest like a boy. Can’t handle th’ least bit o’ sentiment-whoa, nelly!” she yelled in surprise as she just narrowly ducked under the green blast of fire that emerged from Spike’s maw with a loud belch.

Spike glared at Applejack, as if to question why she was yelling at him when I clearly was guilty of the same crime. I stifled a giggle.

Sure enough, the smoke and flames twisted into a scroll that slowly floated down into Spike’s grip. “A letter from the Princess?” I asked in surprise once I recovered. “That was fast.” I wasn’t sure yet if that was a good or bad thing.

Spike peeled off the Royal Seal and began to read. “My faithful student Twilight,” he began. To his credit, he only stumbled a little bit over that part as he reigned in his snickers. “Why didn’t you just say so in the first place?” he continued. And then six more golden tickets fell out of the folds of the scroll. “Six tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala?!” he yelped in confusion.

My friends all gasped in excitement as they beheld the glittering golden tickets. They crowded around Spike and all hurried to pick one up before scurrying off to chat excitedly to one another. I, on the other hoof, felt my heart plummet into my stomach. “That can’t be all she said. Is there any more?” I asked as I walked over to Spike.

“Right here,” he replied. “And no, Twilight, I’m not going to remove the Adhesion Spell on your ticket. You are going to the Gala and that is that. Hopefully your friends will help you have a good time and stay out of trouble. If you don’t want the ticket to be visible, I find that hiding it behind your head in your mane works very well. Yours truly, Princess Celestia.”

I groaned and facehoofed. Well played, Celestia. Well played.

The others noticed my distress and walked over to join us. Before they could say anything, though, Spike found more writing. “P.S. Once the Gala begins, if you’re not present that ticket will shock you once on the hour every hour. I again highly recommend that you attend. Oh, Twilight, I am SO sorry.”

I groaned again. “Oh no, I’m doomed!”

“Twilight dear, why is Princess Celestia so intent on getting you to attend the Gala? That seems a little…extreme,” Rarity inquired.

I rolled my eyes. “Because she’s a terrible ruler who’s forcing me to do things against my will! She’s oppressing my freedoms!”

The others were skeptical, though. “I dunno,” Pinkie began. “I bet you could really benefit from getting out more and meeting other ponies. I think she just has your best interests at heart!”

“WHAT?! No!” I vehemently protested. Were they seriously trying to defend the Princess when evidence to the contrary was being waved right in front of their noses?

“Ah think yer right, Pinkie!” Applejack agreed. “She jest wants what’s best fer Twilight!”

“Aww yeah!” Rainbow added. “We have the awesomest Princess ever!” At that, all of my friends began to excitedly chatter among themselves about how great Princess Celestia was.

…Are you bucking kidding me.

I facehoofed. Ugh. How could ponies possibly be so dense? I guess I was alone in my valiant stand against the evil sun tyrant. Go figure.

At least I had Spike. I turned back to him with an expression of disgust worn clearly on my face. He shook his head sympathetically. It was then that I noticed there was one more ticket on the ground. Turning back to my friends, I saw that each of them had theirs firmly in hoof. So whose was this? “Spike, why is there an extra ticket on the ground?”

Spike looked surprised. “I dunno,” he replied. “Maybe she said something else in here…” he commented thoughtfully as he looked the scroll over once more. “Oh, here we go. P.S.S. Spike, you also must attend the Grand Galloping Gala. It will be good for you, too. I trust Twilight will see to it.” He recoiled in shock as he finished that sentence before looking up at me with large, pleading eyes.

“Are you gonna make me go?” he asked fearfully.

I sighed sadly. “Sorry, Spike. She’ll notice if you’re not there, and I’m on a short leash as it is. I’m afraid she’s got us beat this round.”

Spike pouted. “Drat. This is gonna suck so bad.”

“Tell me about it,” I agreed. It was then that my stomach decided to remind everypony present that I STILL was in desperate need of food. All of my friends stared at me in surprise. I grinned sheepishly and blushed once again. “Ehehe…still hungry. Wanna go get some food?”

They all smiled. “Say…” Applejack began. “By mah reckonin’, Ah still owe ya some food, don’t Ah? Why don’t y’all come on down ta Sweet Apple Acres fer some grub.” We all cheered loudly at that. Some fresh Apple cooking sounded absolutely fantastic right about now. One by one, my friends filed out the door. Applejack held it open for us. I was the last one out, and she shut the door behind her and trotted up to my side.

“Well, I got you your ticket,” I said. I wouldn’t admit it, but I was actually rather pleased I was able to make all my friends happy. Even if Spike and I had to go to the Gala too.

“Eeyup,” she replied.

“And I helped you win your bet.”

“Sure did. Thanks for all ya’ve done fer me today, Twilight.”

“No problem. Although, I can’t help but feel that I’m getting the short end of the stick…”

Applejack raised an eyebrow. “Whaddaya mean?”

“Well…it’s just that it feels like a two-to-one deal to me.”

Applejack sighed and rolled her eyes. “Fine. Whaddaya want?”

I grinned fiercely at her. “Oh, I think you know.”

She huffed in annoyance. “No! Ah ain’t tellin’!”

“Oh, come ooon,” I begged. “It’s just us! I won’t tell anypony, I promise!”

Applejack stopped walking. She looked left. She looked right. She leaned in close to me. “All right…Ah’ll tell ya…If Ah had lost th’ bet, Ah woulda had ta pretend ta have a crush on Rainbow fer a week.”

My eyes widened at that. “What?!” I sputtered. “Does that even work? Does she even trot that way?”

Applejack hurriedly shushed me. “Shh! Not so loud! Ya promised not ta tell anypony!”

“Hey, a promise is a promise,” I replied softly. “My lips are sealed. But still…”

Applejack grinned at that. “O’ course she does. Jest look at that mane. Th’ whole town knows, though she don’t know that.”

I let out a guffaw of laughter at that. How delightfully fantastic. It totally makes sense, in retrospect.

Hmmm…Applejack and Rainbow Dash…

By Luna’s moon, that is so unbelievably gay.

Author's Note

And on that bombshell we'll wrap it up. Hehehe. Oh Twilight, you so silly.

Okey dokey. Hope you all enjoyed my latest and greatest. Yes, it is 17k words. Yes, I wrote all of them in three days. Plus edits. I was inspired, mmkay?

I hope this convinces you all that much of the shenanigans in this story will be decidedly non-canon. And that everything that is canon is usually taken way out of context. Yes, I am having a ridiculous amount of fun writing this. Next chapter will be on episode 4: "Applejack is a Lazy Ass." Or whatever it's called. I forget. Dunno when it will be out, I have to go back to the brainstorming drawing board. Coming up with this stuff isn't easy, you know. Especially for me.

I'm not going to write a chapter for every episode. For example, I'm not sure the Gilda one could lead to a good chapter, but that's not 100% certain yet. I will probably write something for most episodes though, so have no worry! The length of said chapters will be more or less directly proportional to how many ideas I have. I had fun with this chapter.

That's all for now. Hope you all had a great read!
Cheers!
Shanenator

The Day Applejack Learned to Embrace the Nap

A Series of Inexplicably Convenient Events

Original concept written and edited by Shanenator

Chapter Four: The Day Applejack Learned to Embrace the Nap

Thanks to Carpe Diem and Cyneryk for pre-reading!

It was a beautiful day in Ponyville. The sun was shining brightly. The birds were chirping merrily. The soft breeze was flowing blissfully. The air was fresh and cool. Rainbow Dash had actually gotten up and cleared the deep blue sky of clouds, much to my undying surprise. All in all, it was the perfect day, and everypony in town was outdoors enjoying the amazing weather.

And I hated every bit of it.

Yes, I’ll freely admit it, I was in a bad mood. Okay, maybe ‘bad’ isn’t quite a strong enough adjective. I was in a HORRENDOUS mood. Why, one might ask? Well, to be entirely truthful, it was a combination of several things. But it basically all boils down to one simple concept.

I was stressed out.

Let me just emphasize this now: this is not normal for me. I mean, come on. What is there that can possibly cause me actual worry? I’m kinda the biggest thing to come to town since…um…uh…something really good that came to town. Which, seeing as how things have progressed thus far, I would say happened a long time ago and wouldn’t be particularly noteworthy on a relative scale.

Unless, of course, one counts Princess Celestia’s visit for the Summer Sun Celebration. But I mean, really. That’s no big deal. Celestia’s not all that she’s cracked up to be. But nopony ever listens to me on that one so I won’t press the issue.

Maybe I should write a book explaining why ponies should listen to my warnings about Celestia…hmm…nah. Too much effort with not enough returns.

Anyways. Stress. It’s not normal for me. Deadlines? Pshaw. I skip half of them anyways. Failing tests? I don’t really care in the first place, so not really a big deal for me. Financial security? Puh-lease. I’m Celestia’s personal student for crying out loud. Basically what I’m trying to get at is that the ‘normal’ things that cause ‘normal’ ponies to stress out don’t really have an effect on me.

So why was I stressed? For the first thing, the last few days had been positively CRAZY and I was nowhere near as rested as I should have been. Normally when I’m tired I get cranky, but that’s just the start of my problems.

Let me just say this now: libraries are VERY crappy places to live. Don’t let anypony say otherwise. It’s dusty, musty, and the very air itself feels like it’s trying to suffocate you. If that’s not bad enough, this particular library seems to have been upgraded to double as a home at the last minute, which would explain why I sleep in the loft where all the hot, humid, dusty air is. And, for some reason, Celestia did not see fit to get me a very nice bed. The one I have back in Canterlot is three times as nice as the lumpy, smelly, good-for-nothing insult to beds everywhere that I own now.

I swear, sometimes it seems like Celestia’s only goal is to make me miserable. She’s very good at it. However, I’m not so easily defeated. If she thinks I’m actually going to use that sorry excuse for furniture, she’s nuts.

A pile of beanbags, pillows, and blankets on the floor is all I need for a solid day’s worth of sleeping, lazing, and relaxing. And Spike has his basket, so nopony has to suffer from that monstrosity sitting in my loft. No problems at all. Except for, of course, the obvious one that I haven’t been able to sleep enough.

Then there’s these darned friendship reports. It’s such a hassle, always keeping an eye out for some friendship-related ‘disaster.’ To make matters worse, I failed my teleportation test yesterday. I can’t believe she expected me to be able to teleport three times in quick succession! That’s way too difficult! She’s so unfair. As a result, I have even more studying and assignments to deal with than usual.

Then there’s this whole Gala ticket nonsense. Now THAT day took a lot out of me, what between the physical labor and abuse. Not to mention mental scarring. And the fact that the ticket is STILL pasted to the back of my head under my mane does not help my attempts to forget all about it. It’s also quite itchy and irritating. Again, Celestia doing what she does better than anything else: making me suffer.

And, to top it ALL off, I still have that blasted history report to do.

So, yeah. Stressed. The look on my face right now as I trudged through Ponyville Square resonated with a very definite ‘the world better just get out of my way’ vibe, as evidenced by the several ponies who had hastened to remove themselves from my immediate path, often times with a surprised or awkward yelp or exclamation. To prove my point, I growled at the purple drunk one as she stumbled into my path. Even in her inebriated state, her eyes widened with fear and she immediately knew there was nothing she’d rather do at that moment than get the buck out of my way.

Finally. A little respect.

As I walked, I spotted Ditzy Doo flutter gently past. I snickered as I saw her face. It was the talk of the town, really. Poor Ditzy woke up one morning with her eyes totally crossed. And she couldn’t get them back to normal. Better yet, nopony knows how to fix it! Her friends were clueless and the doctors tried everything. She swears that she ‘just doesn’t know what went wrong.’

I smirked malevolently as she rammed right into a lamppost face first and uttered a muffled apology. This was probably the happiest I’d been in days.

Ahhh…sweet, sweet revenge…

So here I was walking through town heading back from the marketplace, just wishing that the world would go die and leave me alone, when the strangest thing happened.

The ground began to shake.

Well I’ll be damned, it would appear that an earthquake has struck this Luna-forsaken town! Perhaps my prayers have finally been answered for once! At last! Catastrophe strikes and the town will be leveled! Homes reduced to rubble! Uncontrollable flames will break out! The water tower will collapse and flood half the town! Chaos will reign supreme!

And, after I save everypony in town using my super-magical-awesomeness, I will be given a medal, cookies, and will be able to return to my nice bed in Canterlot and forget this whole mess ever happened.

Well…I’ll probably still write to Applejack. She’s a good friend.

Maybe…maybe I’ll invite Rarity to come join me. She’s always wanted to live in Canterlot, right?

Hmm…there was an opening for a caretaker of the Royal Gardens if I remember correctly…maybe Fluttershy would be interested?

Oh…and I’ll probably come back to Sugarcube Corner at some point. Pinkie’s cupcakes are honestly very, very tasty.

And…I suppose if Rainbow Dash ever gets into the Wonderbolts, I’ll go see her show.

But other than all of that, I’ll totally forget this whole ‘come to Ponyville and make friends’ nonsense ever happened. Right.

…Right.

It was then that my happy ruminations and subsequent uncertainties were quashed into irrelevance as a particularly obnoxious voice belonging to a very specific rainbow-maned pegasus rang out: “STAMPEDE!!”

Eh, I would’ve preferred the earthquake, but this might not be half bad. Maybe my crappy library-house will be trampled and I’ll have to return to Canterlot? Probably far too much to ask for, but a mare can still dream, right? I’m hoping at least a good portion of the town gets leveled. History in the making, right here! That would make for the easiest report ever. And I’ll still get my cookies and medal.

Wait a second…stampede? Stampede of what? Quickly forgetting about my prior foul mood in favor of my curiosity and hopefulness of imminent destruction, I hastened to the edge of town where I heard Rainbow cry out. As I went, I was not particularly surprised, and also rather pleased, to see the majority of the townsponies freaking out, running about aimlessly, and shutting themselves up in their cute little wood and straw homes as if that would save them.

Yes! Destruction was nigh! This was my chance at fame and fortune! Grinning proudly, I drew myself up to my full height as I trotted, exuding confidence with every step. Fear not, Ponyville! The heroine you’ve been waiting for has arrived! At long last, my time to shine has come! For honor! For glory! For cookies and naps!

Turning a corner, I finally saw the distinctive form of Rainbow Dash hovering in the air and peering out towards the horizon. I noted with some amusement that she was biting her forehooves in apparent apprehension. Hmmm…perhaps she actually does have a heart? Maybe. I added it to my mental list of ‘things to discreetly find out about Rainbow Dash’ right next to the item ‘gay?’ Another acceptable list. It’s been added to the very short list of lists that are acceptable to keep. Okay, so maybe I do list just a bit. It’s very helpful for a mare as busy as I am!

Well…mentally busy.

Following Rainbow’s most unbecoming worried stare, I was greeted by the sight of a veritable horde of cows barreling towards Ponyville at high speed with Equestria’s largest dust cloud right behind them. Wait, really? A stampede of cows? Aren’t they, like, intelligent? And therefore capable of realizing that stampeding over a town of ponies is NOT the best way to be a model Equestrian citizen? Or, for that matter, not the best way to prevent oneself from being shipped off to the Griffon Kingdoms to be…well…eaten? Yeah. Griffons are weird like that.

I wonder if cows taste good…?

No! Bad thoughts! No eating living, sentient creatures, even if they are incredibly murderous, stupid, and/or potentially delicious! It was then that my internal musings were interrupted by the second most obnoxious voice in Ponyville. And, as usual, it had nothing particularly interesting to say.

“He-e-ey! Th-thi-is ma-ake-es m-my-y vo-oic-ce so-oun-nd si-ill-ly!”

“Pinkie Pie?! What are yo – never mind. Just keep doing what you’re doing.” I swear, I will never understand that mare. If she wants to goof around in the middle of a crisis, that’s her choice. I, meanwhile, have lives to save.

Then a new voice sounded above the crowd. “Everypony calm down! There is no need to panic!” Ah, and that would be the mayor of this completely backwards town being, just as expected, completely backwards. I may not be a genius…okay, I actually am, but still. Anypony can see that a horde of stampeding murderous cows barreling straight towards their homes and livelihoods is, in fact, sufficient reason to be slightly un-calm, if not downright panicked. Typical corrupt politicians. It’s all secrets and lies with them.

But, come to think of it, this scenario would be waaaay less frightening if all the cows were wearing cowbells. Yeah, that’s it. Definitely needs more cowbell.

Rarity, however, seemed to be buying her words at least a little bit. “But Mayor! Whatever shall we do?” she cried dramatically, placing a hoof to her forehead. I was about to open my mouth to offer an extremely intelligent suggestion when I was rudely interrupted by Ponyville’s most talented interrupter.

“Look there!” Rainbow shouted, pointing a hoof.

Sigh…another brilliant idea lost in the winds of time.

Following her hoof, I was shocked to see the form of a pony smack-dab in the middle of the stampede of rampaging bovines. What a clumsy buffoon! What was she, crazy? How in the hay did she even get there? Perhaps she started the stampede in the first place! What a murderous plot! Nopony could ever trace the dastardly crime to them! Except for me, of course.

I was just about to spring into action to either save or apprehend the mysterious figure when I realized who exactly it was. It was Applejack!

No! Not Applejack!

What was she thinking? Was she crazy? I had to save her! She could get trampled! She could get hurt, or worse! Any number of things could go wrong! She could be…whooping and hollering like a madmare?

Sure enough, the Applejack we all knew and lov – were friends with was running right alongside those rampaging monsters, her trusty dog Winona in tow. And they appeared to be having a blast. Maybe this was some kind of sport here in Ponyville? How very odd indeed. The small crowd that had gathered to watch, including the mayor and my friends, began to cheer loudly for Applejack, further providing evidence for my ridiculous theory.

How abhorrent! These ponies were acting like it was FUN to watch ponies risk their lives in a stampede! What an awful thought. Getting impaled on horns and trampled to death while ponies cheer for you is NOT my idea of a good time. Who could enjoy such a thing? What barbarians!

Thus, I was busy biting my forehooves and hoping Applejack wasn’t about to be smashed into orange marmalade. I ignored Pinkie’s sudden appearance right next to me, as well as her random remark about ‘best rodeo show ever,’ although I suddenly found myself craving popcorn.

I had to do something! Applejack was out there trying to save the town by herself and I was just standing around! But before I could piece together and enact any brilliant plans I was spellbound by what I saw next.

Applejack was certainly somepony to watch. Seemingly without effort, she whipped out her trusty rope, jumped on top of a cow while it was running, whirled it about, lassoed the ringleader cow, obviously the mob boss who’d called a hit on all of us, and then proceeded to drag the deranged animals away from Ponyville just as they were about to cross the bridge and level half the town.

…Well that happened.

I couldn’t really believe it. This Luna-forsaken town had been threatened, and then promptly saved, in all of about five minutes. That’s no time at all! How am I supposed to save the town with such a short time limit? Goodbye, sweet cookies…

All around me, ponies began to break out into cheers. I suppose it was only natural for them to rejoice in their newfound safety and praise the pony responsible. I begrudgingly joined in. “Yes. Woohoo, Applejack. Wasn’t she great.”

…What? It’s the thought that counts.

After a few moments, Applejack appeared on the horizon, Winona by her side, and she waved her hat to the town before barreling off, probably back to the farm. Wow. What a workaholic. If I had just saved the town from imminent disaster, which I totally could have, I’d be relaxing right about now and milking the glory for all it’s worth. Guess she’s a better pony than I am. Or stupider.

Probably the latter. I’m pretty darn smart.

Well I guess that’s it for today. No more town-wide threats to deal with. Off to go take a nap…

“YEEHAW! RIDE ‘EM COWPONY!” Pinkie shrieked at the top of her lungs as she spazzed her way across the square. I rolled my eyes and tried desperately not to facehoof.

“Applejack was just…just…” I suddenly heard the mayor saying, clearly attempting to find a word sufficient to describe the farmer’s most recent exploit. I opened my mouth to suggest what was, in fact, the perfect word, but I’m afraid somepony else beat me to it.

“APPLETASTIC!” Pinkie shouted again. I couldn’t help it. I facehoofed. No, Pinkie, that’s not even close to the words she’s really looking for. In fact, that’s not even a word at all. So glad you had something intelligent to contribute to the conversation. Seriously, sometimes she needs to just go away or shut up, I can’t take her constant yapping all the time. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Pinkie certainly has her strong points. She’s always smiling. She’s a great cook. She’s…um…pink.

But other than that: TOTAL. DISASTER.

“Exactly!” The mayor’s voice cut through the silence easily as she decided to play the safe, nonaggressive card and ignore Pinkie’s complete and utter unhelpfulness. “We must do something to thank Applejack for single-hoofedly saving the town.” I sighed in anguish again. Yet another reminder of my long-lost opportunity.

“I know!” Pinkie spoke up excitedly. Oh boy, here we go…

Am I surprised? No, not in the slightest. Should I be? Of course not. Totally predictable.

Yet, at the same time, am I also relieved that it wasn’t something much, much crazier? Yes. Very much yes.

As anypony who’s known Pinkie for half a second could guess, we were currently in the process of throwing Applejack a giant party. And by ‘we,’ I mean the entire town. Which of course means that the party is several days AFTER she actually saved the town because we had to gather all the supplies, evenly distribute tasks, and organize a town-wide effort in the most bureaucratic way possible. I could thank the mayor for that. Politicians…

“We all ready?” I asked Rarity with only a slight hint of annoyance in my voice as I trotted up to her. Having all these extra tasks dumped on me over the past few days really haven’t helped my stress levels. The only reason why I put up with them without much of a complaint is because it’s all for Applejack, my best friend. But still. I was quite ready to be done with this and move on.

“One last thing,” Rarity replied cheerfully, lighting up her horn. I watched with minimal interest as a large, apple-themed banner was levitated into the air and affixed perfectly to the town hall. “Now we’re ready.”

I nodded approvingly. “Nice work, Rarity. Is Applejack all set?”

“Actually,” Rainbow Dash interrupted as she flew over. “I haven’t seen her all week!”

“Not since the stampede!” Pinkie added, trotting over. I rolled my eyes. Was I speaking into a megaphone without realizing it? Seriously, these ponies are all WAY too talented at butting in to whatever conversation they pleased.

Nonetheless, I pondered their words. Come to think of it, it was true! I personally hadn’t seen Applejack at all since the stampede! I wondered what in Equestria could keep her away from town, and our gratitude, for so long. I know I’d be right in the middle of it until the hubbub died down. And probably for quite some time afterwards regardless.

Sigh…no, don’t think like that, Twilight! Chin up, girl! Your time will come. Just keep believing that…yeah…

“But she’ll show up for sure,” Rainbow Dash continued. “Applejack is NEVER late!” We all nodded in agreement. She wasn’t known as the most dependable of ponies for nothing! Even if she had been rather dependent on me recently…

It was then that the mayor trotted up. “Is everything ready?”

“Indeed it is!” Rarity pronounced grandly. “Everything is in order! I just know that Applejack will love it!”

The mayor nodded happily. “Very well, then! Let’s get started!” She turned to face me. “Are you ready, Twilight?”

I sighed. Did I mention that I was also drafted to give the speech, on top of everything else? Well, I was. And there was no way in Tartarus I was going to have something prepared. If there’s one skill I’ve honed over the years of being Celestia’s personal student, it’s a little something I like to call ‘winging it.’ So, yes, it was very much time to ‘wing it.’ “Ready as I’ll ever be,” I replied sardonically.

The mayor did not pick up on my tone of voice. “Wonderful! I’ll tell everypony we’re starting.”

In what seemed like no time at all, I was slowly walking towards the podium where I would deliver my eloquent speech. And try not to insult the entire town. Turning my head to the right, I saw that the crowd literally contained everypony in town. Great. Just great.

Heh…even Ditzy Doo, still with that scrunched-up expression on her face. She was clearly trying to get her eyes unstuck by sheer force of will. I giggled softly to myself. Keep trying, Ditzy…

But still there was no Applejack. I mentioned this to the mayor but she seemed confident Applejack would show up. Everyone but myself seemed to share this confidence. I find this to be a common theme: everyone but me. Oh well, what could possibly go wrong?

…A lot of things.

“Ahem,” I cleared my throat as I stepped up to the podium. The crowd quickly quieted and gave me their undivided attention. Alright Twilight, you can do this.

Show time.

“Greetings everypony,” I began, speaking as loudly as I could without hurting myself. I briefly pondered attempting to use the voice enhancement spell, but memories of the results of my previous attempts quickly put that thought to rest. Noodles…noodles everywhere…

“I am…most enthused that you all could attend this…er…gathering.” I was stumbling a bit. What was I even supposed to say? In the front row I could see Spike doubled over in silent laughter, clearly mocking my awkward speech and barely concealed sarcasm. I smiled as well, but resisted the urge to laugh. Barely.

I pressed on. “Even among a community as…interesting and diverse as this one, there is a chance for a pony to perform admirably, demonstrating their worth and overcoming woeful ineptness.” I was walking a razor-thin line and I knew it. I was starting to get a couple of glares. Keep it moving, Twilight…

“One never knows when somepony they know might rise to meet the challenge. That pony might be a friend, family member, neighbor, coworker, shop owner, random passerby, crazed psychopath, or even that one pony who everypony knows but won’t ever leave you alone or shut up EVEN WHEN YOU’VE TOLD THEM A MILLION TI-” I paused as I realized I was shouting. The crowd was staring. Said pony in question was bouncing obliviously in place.

“Er…sorry. Anyways, we are assembled here today because a few days ago, our good friend and neighbor Applejack stepped beyond the beck and call of an average citizen and risked everything for our sakes.” Oh yeah, I had them riveted. I was really getting into this now! It was even kinda fun. In a way. “Yes indeed! Answering our pleas for help, Applejack single-hoofedly saved the town from certain destruction! Charging headlong into dan-”

It was then that a rainbow-colored blur shot up to my side to completely interrupt me, much to my annoyance. “Did you SEE Applejack’s slick moves out there? What an athlete! This week, she’s gonna help me with my new flying trick, and I know it’s gonna be SO! AWESOME!” Rainbow Dash squeaked out, making a ridiculous face. I took the opportunity to cut her off before things got even more out of hoof.

“Exactly!” I shouted, shoving Rainbow away from the podium. “Using her athletic prowess, Applejack was able to-”

I was unable to continue due to a sudden pink mass materializing in front of my face. “This week, I get to run Sugarcube Corner for the first time!” Pinkie exclaimed excitedly.

I facehoofed as I spun her around to face me. “Pinkie, what in Equestria does that have to do with Applejack?” I asked exasperatedly.

Pinkie blinked in silence a couple of times. Oh my goodness… “Oh! Applejack, one of the best bakers EVER, is going to help me! Applejack makes everything great, so free samples for EVERYPONY!” she announced loudly. The crowd began to cheer in excitement. Baked goods sure were a hot commodity here, apparently. I’m surprised everypony manages to stay thin.

Well, almost everypony.

I groaned as I pushed Pinkie away. “Okay, that’s great. Yes, Applejack is also a great baker, and is always willing to-” There was a disturbance. I felt distinctly unsettled. Something, somewhere, was staring intently at me. Something…adorable.

I looked down to my right to see Fluttershy attempting to simultaneously hide behind the podium and get my attention. “Twilight?” she softly asked.

“If I could just make a point without being interrupted…” I mumbled angrily. “What? What is it? What do you want?”

Fluttershy flinched at my angry words but somehow worked up the courage to pull herself up behind the podium and speak to a whole crowd. Seriously, she is the most inconsistent pony I’ve ever met. No, not Pinkie. She’s consistently crazy.

“Twilight, I’m so sorry-” Yeah, right. “-but I just wanted to mention that Applejack is also helping me this week with the official bunny census, where we count up all the new baby bunnies that were born this season. She’s gonna help gather them with her wonderful herding skills!”

“Yes, yes, that’s great Fluttershy. As we can all see, Applejack is always willing to give anypony a hand with any problem. How wonderful. Is there anything else anypony would like to add?” The crowd was silent other than the occasional cough. “Anypony?” Nothing. Fluttershy slowly slinked back into the audience.

“Well then, as I was TRYING to say,” I continued. “Without Applejack’s heroic efforts, this town would REALLY be a dustbowl!” I chuckled slightly at my own joke. To my chagrin, nopony else joined in. It was then I noticed the mayor standing nearby, glaring at me slightly. I sighed and promptly gave up. “Whatever. Without further ado, Mayor Mare everypony,” I deadpanned before exiting stage left.

Okay, so I didn’t get to finish the awesome speech that I had whipped up at the last minute. Oh well. At least I didn’t have something prepared just to get interrupted over and over again. That would have been a travesty.

The mayor stepped up to the podium and cleared her throat. “And so, without further ado, it is my privilege to give the Prized Pony of Ponyville Award-” I rolled my eyes at the ridiculous title as the mayor gestured to a monstrous golden trophy with a blue ribbon on it. I sighed again. That could be mine… “-to our beloved guest of honor, a pony of the utmost trustworthiness, reliability, and integrity, Ponyville’s most capable and dependable friend, Applejack!”

The crowd cheered as the curtain concealing Applejack began to raise. I lightly stamped my hooves along with them in appreciation.

And then everypony simultaneously gasped in horror as they were greeted by an empty stage. Except for me, of course. I didn’t even raise my eyebrows in surprise. I honestly couldn’t have been any less surprised. It was almost like the Nightmare Moon incident all over again. Nopony listening to Twilight? Check. The unexpected happens and everything is ruined? Check. Hmm, what an interesting pattern. Further experimentation is required.

Silence filled the air. Well, almost. One member of the audience didn’t quite get the memo. “-way to go, Applejack! That was awesome! I mean…heh…” Spike slowly trailed off as he realized everypony else was no longer cheering loudly due to the absence of said heroic pony in question. He promptly shot me a glare as I failed to hide my uncontrollable snickering.

We all stared at the mayor expectantly and waited. Her ears drooped. “Ahem…” she said, clearly hoping Applejack was there and had just missed the cue.

“Awkward…” Spike ironically murmured.

The next voice to ring out was not the expected one. “Ah’m here! Ah’m here!” There was a funny noise I wasn’t quite sure what to make of followed by several ‘oof’s and ‘ow’s and ‘scuse me’s. “Sorry Ah’m late! Whoa, Ah was jest-whooaaHAAOHH! Did Ah git yer tail? Oof…”

And then Applejack herself emerged from the crowd and clambered onto the stage with a pair of towering piles of apples wobbling uncertainly in the baskets draped across her back. “Miss Mayor!” she began, shoving the mayor aside rather roughly. “Thank ya kindly fer this here award…thingy…” And then she…yawned? I think so. It was rather hard to tell due to her constant erratic movements and strange speech. “It’s so bright an’ shiny an’…heh…heh heh…Ah sure do look funny…heh… whooo! Weeeoooo!”

I was, at this point, completely baffled by Applejack’s behavior. Was this even Applejack? She appeared to be…making faces at the trophy? And laughing at her reflection, too. Quite unsurprisingly, Pinkie soon joined her and the two of them together made funny faces and obnoxious sounds for a few moments.

I stepped up to the pair, rather unsure of what to say. “Oookaaay…well, thank you Applejack for saving us from that scary stampede, and for always being willing to help out! But seriously, you should put cowbells on all the cows. That would make stampedes totally less scary.” Unfortunately, I don’t think she heard that last part.

Applejack yawned again. “Yeah…Ah like helpin’ th’ ponyfolks…an’…an’ stuff…” Another yawn. And then she appeared to fall asleep on her hooves for a moment. Aha! The final piece of the puzzle had fallen into place! It explained everything: the weird noises, which were actually yawns, the staggering and stumbling, and the choppy, slurred speech. Applejack was simply tired. REALLY tired.

So…why didn’t she just take a nap?

“Oh!” She awoke with a start and shook her head violently. “Uhhhh, yeah! Er, thanks!” And with that, Applejack grabbed the handle of the award in her teeth, which was taller than any of us, I might add, and began to drag it away through the crowd. Soon, she was out of sight, clearly headed back to her farm. Several apples were littered amongst the crowd, the only evidence of her visit.

“Was it just me, or did Applejack seem a little-” I began.

“Tired?” Rainbow interrupted.

“Dizzy?” Fluttershy added.

“Messy?” Rarity chimed. We all stared at her. “Well! Did you SEE her mane?” she elaborated.

“She seemed fine to me!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Wooo! Woooo!” I rolled my eyes. Of course Applejack’s strange behavior would seem fine to the strangest pony in town.

“Hmm…” I murmured to myself as I considered what I had just seen. “Well something’s definitely off about her, for sure. Somepony should go make sure she’s okay.”

My friends all agreed. But just as we were about to head off to the farm, the mayor trotted over. “Okay! Now that’s all finished, we can take everything down! I’ll begin organizing right away!” We all groaned. Well, all of us except Pinkie.

As the mayor began rattling off tasks, Rarity turned to me and whispered, “you go check on Applejack. We’ll take care of things here. You’ve done enough.” Thankful for the chance to get away from some extra work, I promptly saluted her before swiftly taking off in the direction of Sweet Apple Acres.

“Whoa!” Applejack cried as she completely whiffed a tree trunk with one of her powerful bucks. The tree in question, I noted, happened to be completely devoid of apples. Her next buck sent one of the buckets heaped high with juicy, red fruits sprawling. “Whoops…” she muttered dejectedly.

“What in Equestria is that pony doing?” I murmured to myself. Applejack had quickly caught my attention as an honest, dependable, hard-working, and competent pony. The Applejack I saw now was a far cry from that. Something weird was going on…

I trotted up to her as she walked over to the scattered apples. “Hey, Applejack!” No response. “Applejaaack!” I called again. I stepped closer to observe her. She once again appeared to be asleep on her hooves. I smirked malevolently. This was the perfect opportunity! Walking right up next to her, I put my muzzle to her ear and took a deep breath.

“APPLEJAAAACK!!”

The orange apple farmer leaped straight up into the air and cried out in alarm. “Whoa, nelly!” She also thrashed her limbs about a considerable amount before crashing to the ground on her back with a loud ‘oof!’ Fortunately, I remembered the door incident and had the foresight to teleport a few feet away right after my scream. Oh, yeah. Studying AND being a good friend. And pranking. Multi-tasking at its finest.

“Oops, sorry. Did I frighten you?” I asked with an air of sincerity as I trotted over and held out a hoof to help her up. Just playing the innocence card. In reality, I could barely restrain my laughter.

Applejack graciously accepted the hoof and I hauled her to her hooves with a slight grunt. Thankfully she was far too out of it to notice my snickering, otherwise I would’ve gotten it for sure. “Oh, howdy Twilight.”

“What are you up to?” I asked, observing the multitudes of buckets scattered meticulously about the trees. Some were filled with apples while others were totally empty.

“Applebuck season,” Applejack replied. I frowned at the strange terminology as Applejack slowly made her way over to a nearby tree that was laden with red, round fruit. I charged up my horn again and teleported in front of her just as she gave the tree a mighty buck, eliciting a surprised ‘woah’ from the apple farmer as the apples cascaded perfectly into the buckets.

Huh. How…convenient. “Apple-what season?” I inquired.

“Eh…it’s what th’ Apple Family calls harvestin’ time,” she explained, walking over to yet another tree.

I teleported again. “We gather all th’ apples from th’ trees so we can sell ‘em,” she continued, seemingly oblivious to my sudden appearances.

“Okay, that makes sense,” I acknowledged. “But why are you doing it all alone?” Surely Big Macintosh was somewhere out in the fields as well? Or even a farmhand or two?

“Cuz Big Macintosh hurt himself,” she replied bluntly, still walking.

I teleported in front of her face again. “Well, what about all those relatives I met when I first came to Ponyville?” Along with all that delicious food…mmm… “Can’t they help?”

Applejack sighed in exasperation before continuing on her way. “They were jest here fer th’ Apple Family Reunion. They actually live all over Equestria, an’ are busy harvestin’ their own orchards. So, uh…Ah’m on mah own.”

Another teleport. Damn I’m good at this now. At least all that studying did something. She stopped as I blocked her path yet again. “Which means Ah should git back ta work.” I said nothing, simply standing there regarding her curiously as my brain began to work on the problem. I knew my friend was a hard worker, but harvesting all these trees by herself? It just wasn’t possible. And given her state of exhaustion, clearly not good for her. I was rather concerned for her health. Surely there was something we could do for her?

She cleared her throat. “Ahem. Hint hint? Git back ta work?”

Lacking a solution, I hesitantly stepped aside. “Fine.”

“Uh, could ya step aside, Twilight?” she mumbled, swaying a bit on her hooves.

I cocked an eyebrow in surprise. “I just did.” She turned her head to look at me. Looking close, I could see the bags under her bloodshot eyes. She was clearly sleep-deprived. “Applejack, you don’t look so good…” I observed.

She simply shook her head as if to clear it and headed on her way. “Uh…d-don’t none o’ ya three worry none, Ah’m jest fine ‘n dandy!” Wait, what? Three? Okay…there was something really wrong with her. A problem! With a friend!

A friendship problem!

Yessss! Time to get to the bottom of things and then write the report to Celestia! Then it’ll be out of my mane for a few days, at least. I watched with bemusement as Applejack whiffed yet another mighty buck, nearly falling flat on her face as she did so. I teleported in front of her yet again. “Applejack, you have a problem. I think you need some help.” Not from me, of course, since she promised never to ask me for help again, but I’d be more than willing to recruit some ponies to help instead.

“Help?” she muttered in confusion. “Hah! No way, no how!”

Oh, brother. I forgot the other major characteristic of Ponyville’s resident apple-farming mare: stubbornness. I tried to reason with her. “But there’s no way you can do it all on your own!”

“Is THAT a challenge?” she asked angrily, pressing her face into mine. Oh, dear. This might be more trouble than it’s worth. Might as well try to salvage the situation as best as I could.

“Um…no?”

“Well,” Applejack continued with a fiery determination. “Ah’m gonna prove ta ya that Ah can do it. Now if you’ll EXCUUUSE me, Ah’ve got apples ta buck!” And without another word, she stalked back over to her apple trees.

And then it hit me. Wait, wait, wait…this pony, the very SAME pony who showed up at my home a few days ago BEGGING for my help with the ‘Golden Delicious’ crop was now refusing my assistance? Hah! This was amazing! Pure comedy gold right here! How completely backwards! How utterly baffling! How extremely befuddling!

It was so absurd I couldn’t help but start to laugh out loud. Applejack cast an annoyed glance my way and asked, “what’s so funny?”

When I finally calmed down, I let out a long breath. “Phew! I just can’t believe how contrary you’re being, Applejack!”

She narrowed her eyes dangerously. “Whaddaya mean?”

“Well, it’s just that a few days ago, I seem to remember a certain somepony BEGGING for my help with her bet, but now that SAME pony refuses to let me help her out! You make no sense whatsoever, AJ!”

Applejack scoffed indignantly. “That was different!”

“Different?” I responded incredulously. “DIFFERENT? Different how? There’s no difference! None! You’re just being stubborn, ridiculous, and nonsensical!”

“Don’t pretend ta be an expert on our ways, Twilight!” Applejack yelled. “Applebuck season is special ta us! We’ve done it th’ same way every year, fer years upon years, an’ we ain’t changin’ it now!”

I groaned loudly and dragged a forehoof over my face. Oh my goodness. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I let out a long sigh and relented. “Alright, Applejack. You win. Whatever. I don’t really care anymore. I’m just trying to look out for what’s best for you.”

“Ah appreciate it, Twilight, but right now Ah’m fine. Ah jest need ta git back ta work and uphold our traditional Apple family ways.”

I paused for a moment as I watched her buck another tree. Well. If she didn’t want to accept my help, then that’s her problem. I tried my best to help her out. If she wanted to drive herself crazy then fine! I’ll just leave her to her own problems and keep my muzzle out of it!

Hmph. Some friend. I didn’t say another word as I turned around and headed home, seething just a bit in frustration.

“No! No, Twilight, please! I’m so sorry! I admit that I wronged you! Please, just let me go!” Celestia’s begs for mercy were music to my ears.

“Hah! Years of agonizing workloads, ridiculous expectations, and cruel jokes and you think I’m just going to FORGIVE you?” I taunted.

“Twilight, please! Look deep inside you! I know there is forgiveness there!”

“Oh, yeah?” I scoffed. “Maybe for Rainbow Dash, but not for you! It’s too late for that, Celestia!” I did my best to put all of my hate and loathing into that one word. “Now it’s time to get payback for all the suffering you purposefully put me through!” I jeered as pressed my muzzle up against hers, my fiery eyes locked with her fearful ones. I pulled back and spit on her forehead.

She was powerless to wipe it off, bound to the table by iron straps as she was. “Please, Twilight! I did not know! I never tried to hurt you! I only did what I thought was best!”

“A bunch of lies if ever I heard them!” I called cheerfully. “Time for you to pay!” I announced as I began to charge up my horn. She began to scream incoherently, fearful tears streaming down her cheeks. “Looks like I am the teacher now! Twenty books due by tomorrow! And fifteen tests to study for!”

Celestia cried out in horror. “No! That’s not possible! Nopony has the time for that!”

“Too bad! Find a way or ELSE!” I screamed, reveling in my new position of power. “But first…you have to pass my TORTURE TEST!!”

“NOOOOOOOOOO!!” Celestia shrieked.

“MUAHAHAHA! MUAHAHAHA! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!”

Celestia wouldn’t stop screaming. But then, suddenly, her scream changed in tone and pitch. Her voice deepened and roughened, making her sound rather tomboyish.

Say…wasn’t that familiar?

Suddenly, without warning, Celestia’s head shimmered and was quickly replaced by that of Rainbow Dash’s, who continued to scream non-stop. “R-Rainbow Dash?” I asked in bewilderment.

“-AAAAAAAAAA-”

CRASH!

I awoke with a jolt, screaming just as the Celestia-turned-Rainbow had. I was dimly aware of another voice joined with mine.

I’m thankful I woke up when I did. I got to watch with great satisfaction as the form of Rainbow Dash came sailing through the air and embedded itself in the railing of my porch, where I had been taking a glorious afternoon nap. To heck with studying. I needed to recharge my batteries and figure out how to deal with the Applejack problem.

As the dust settled and our coughs slowly died away, I regarded Rainbow curiously. “Well, well, well,” I began. “Look who decided to stop by. It’s Rainbow Dash!” Rainbow simply groaned in response, slowly twisting her head about as she tried to get it unstuck from its location between two planks of wood. “Or should I say,” I continued, stifling a giggle. “Rainbow Crash?” I burst out laughing, collapsing on my side as I wheezed for air.

“Shut up,” she muttered, pulling herself backwards in a feeble effort to get free.

My snorts and chuckles slowly died down and I wiped away a tear as I sat up. “But seriously. What in Equestria happened to you?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” she mumbled sluggishly. Clearly the impact had taken quite a bit out of her normally brash self.

“Try me,” I challenged.

Rainbow Dash stopped her pulling and grunting for a moment to answer. “Applejack happened.”

I burst into yet another bout of raucous laughter.

“WHAT? How? What did you two DO? HAAAHAHAHA!!”

“Long story,” she replied angrily, some of her energy starting to return. “Now if you’re quite done laughing your flank off, I could use a hoof.”

My laughter died down once more. “Why? You stuck?” I snickered.

“Yes,” she snapped grouchily. “Now you gonna help me out here or what?”

“Fine, fine,” I relented, grabbing the planks of wood with my magic and tearing them off of the railing with a loud crack. Rainbow Dash fluttered backwards out of the railing and rubbed her neck gratefully.

“Thanks.”

“No problem. I think I need to pay Applejack another visit, though…” I mused.

Rainbow scoffed. “Hmph. YOU can. I ain’t going anywhere near that disaster.”

“That’s fine,” I replied coolly, opening the door to let Rainbow enter my home. “But if I’m going to address this problem properly, I need to know what happened.”

“Ugh. Seriously?” she asked with a hint of nervousness in her voice.

“Seriously.”

We paused at my front door to stare at each other for a moment before she sighed and relented. “Fine, fine, I’ll tell you. Just…don’t spread it around, okay?”

I felt the corners of my mouth twitch. “I might tell our friends. But I won’t tell anypony else.”

Rainbow considered that for a moment. “Fine. Alright, here’s what happened,” she began as we headed out the door towards Sweet Apple Acres. “I built this awesome contraption, with the intent that Applejack would…”

“Wow,” I said as Rainbow finished her story, struggling to hold back more laughter. Pissing Rainbow off was something I felt I could only get away with so many times in a day. “That’s…something. You sure you’re alright?” I asked Rainbow with some concern, noting once again the nasty red rash on the sides of her neck.

She rubbed the injury subconsciously. “Yeah, I’ll be fine. Just…talk some sense into her for me, okay?”

“I’ll try,” I replied honestly. “But you know how she is.”

“Yeah…yeah I do. Well, I’ll be headed off then. Good luck, Twi.”

“Thanks. Hope you feel better soon.” Rainbow nodded her thanks before taking off, heading back towards town. As soon as she was out of earshot, I began to chuckle to myself once again. “Hehehe…giant catapult…I’m surprised Rainbow even knew how to build a simple lever. I can’t wait to tell Rarity…”

Not surprisingly, Applejack was still hard at work in the fields. Or at least she was for now. Undoubtedly she’d taken a few accidental naps here and there. Why wouldn’t she just take a purposeful one? Maybe I needed to teach Applejack about the wonders of naps. That’s helping out a friend in need, right?

As I walked up to her, I cringed slightly as she bashed her head on a low-hanging branch after attempting to pick up a fallen apple. Ooooh, that’s gotta sting. “Applejack, can we talk?” I asked her as I approached.

Upon hearing my voice, the apple farmer turned to me, but instead of answering stared at me with a puzzled expression. I sighed in exasperation. “Applejack. We need to talk.”

“HAVE AH SEEN YER FROCK? CAN’T SAY THAT AH HAVE!” Applejack shouted at me.

“What? That’s not what I asked at all! Can you even hear me, Applejack?” I asked.

“DO MOOSE FEAR ME? AH RECKON THEY WOULD IF AH WAS ANGRY ENOUGH!”

“No, no, no!” I shouted, anger creeping into my voice. “You and I need to have a chat, right now!”

“SAVE A CAT? WHERE IS TH’ POOR FELLA?”

“NO! I NEED TO TALK TO YOU!!” I screamed at the top of my lungs.

“OH!” Applejack responded in understanding. “WELL WHY DIDN’T YA SAY SO? WHAT’CHA WANNA TALK ‘BOUT?”

“RAINBOW DASH DROPPED IN TO SEE ME TODAY!” I shouted again.

“OH, REALLY? AH DIDN’T THINK Y’ALL WERE THAT CLOSE!” Applejack responded.

At this point, the thought crossed my mind that this is almost the strangest conversation I have ever had. Almost. “NOT REALLY, BUT THAT DIDN’T STOP ME FROM HELPING HER OUT WHEN SHE GOT STUCK ON MY PORCH!”

“YOU AN’ RAINBOW DID WHAT?!” Applejack shrieked in horror.

My face contorted into one of shock and disgust as I realized what Applejack was implying. Ew. No. No no no. Ew ew ew ew ew. Gay.

…Kinda funny how often that word gets linked back to Rainbow Dash. This can’t POSSIBLY be a coincidence.

But yeah, NOW this was the strangest conversation I’d ever had. I facehoofed. “NO, NO, NO! SHE CRASHED ONTO MY BALCONY AFTER YOU LAUNCHED HER INTO THE AIR! REMEMBER?”

“Oh, yeah…” Applejack muttered softly, looking at the ground beneath her hooves and pawing at it nervously. “Ah wasn’t feelin’ quite mahself this mornin’…”

“Because you’re working too hard and you need help! Or a good, long nap!” I said forcefully, walking up beside her.

Unfortunately, she only heard the first part. “What? Felt? Ah don’t need felt! Bet Rarity could use some, though!”

“HELP! YOU NEED HELP!!” I shrieked. By this point, I was at serious risk of screaming myself hoarse.

“Nothin’ doin’, Twilight!” she replied stubbornly. “Ah’m gonna prove ta you, ta everypony, that Ah can do this on mah own! OW!” she yelped as she smashed her face right back into that same low-hanging branch. I sighed and took some pity on her. I snapped the branch off with my magic and tossed it away.

“Fine! You don’t want help! But you should at least sit down and take a short nap! Luna knows you keep falling asleep on your hooves anyways!” I yelled in exasperation.

“WHAT? AH AIN’T FAT, THANK YA VERY MUCH!” she replied indignantly.

I facehoofed again. “NO! NAP! YOU SHOULD GET SOME SLEEP!”

“AH ALREADY HAD BLOOM AN’ WINONA HERD TH’ SHEEP!”

“TAKE A BREAK AND SLEEP!!” I shrieked.

“Oh,” she said simply.

“Trust me,” I continued, my throat hurting a fair amount by now. “Naps are the best thing ever. Just one hour of sleep can rejuvenate and replenish as much energy as several cups of coffee! I know from experience! You won’t regret it!”

“Bah,” Applejack scoffed. “Nap, schmap. Ah ain’t tired at all! Besides, Ah don’t have time fer no nappin’! Ah need ta git all these apples harvested afore th’ end o’ th’ week!”

“What?” I asked incredulously. “That’s crazy talk! Ponies will buy apples all year round!”

“Ah wouldn’t expect ya ta understand, Twi,” Applejack responded haughtily. “Now. Ah appreciate yer concerns, but right now, Ah need to go help Pinkie Pie.” And with that, Applejack woozily staggered off, baskets of apples still in tow.

I just stood there, slack-jawed. I couldn’t believe how stubborn this pony could be! “Ugh! Fine! Be that way!” I shouted after her, even though she couldn’t hear me. “If you don’t want my help, FINE! Now I’m gonna go hide until you and Pinkie Pie are done! There’s a disaster brewing, I just KNOW IT!!”

I should really stop predicting the future. Soon enough I’m going to screw things up pretty badly. I’m like a doomsayer or something. But hey, at least I get another chance at saving half the town and getting my medal and cookies.

“We came as soon as we heard!” I told Nurse Redheart as she led Spike and I towards a large medical curtain.

“Oh, thank you, Twilight!” she replied. “We need all the help we can get!”

And then, all hell broke loose.

What appeared to be half the town was currently lounging around on hastily placed hospital beds, but they were far too many to all be accommodated. Those that weren’t on beds lay on simple mats on the ground. Every pony that wasn’t wearing a nurse’s hat was green in the face, clutching a bucket or some other sort of receptacle closely, and either moaning, groaning, burping, or puking.

“Oh my goodness!” I exclaimed in honest surprise. Never before had I seen anything like this. Nor could I have been expecting it. “What happened?”

“It was a mishap with some of the baked goods,” Nurse Redheart explained.

“No…” a pathetic voice moaned from the corner. I turned towards it and was extremely surprised to see a green-faced, bedridden Pinkie Pie. “Not baked goods…baked bads…” And then her cheeks puffed up, she grabbed her bucket as quick as she could, and proceeded to make really awful noises as she upchucked.

“Pinkie!” I cried in alarm as I rushed over to her. I have to admit, it was quite unsettling to see her like that. Now don’t get me wrong, I was most appreciative for the relative silence, but it was still very strange to be in her presence and NOT be dealing with a hyperactive crazy pony. I’m not entirely sure I enjoyed the experience. “Are you alright?”

Pinkie just groaned in pain as she clutched her stomach. I looked over to see Spike running up, half-eaten muffin in hand. And boy did it smell. I also retched slightly myself when I saw a worm poke out of it. “Applejack…you really screwed up this time,” I muttered angrily to myself.

Then, much to my horror, Spike took a bite of one of the muffins. “Spike! What are you doing?” I shrieked.

His reaction was the polar opposite of what I expected. “Mmm! Not bad! Want one?” he inquired, holding out a half-eaten muffin.

I stuck my tongue out. “No!” I was about to ask how he could stand them when I remembered that he’s the only creature I know that can eat gemstones. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that dragons probably have pretty tough digestive systems. He’d probably be fine. But me? No way. “No thank you,” I repeated. “I’m pretty sure one of those things would almost kill me.”

Nurse Redheart joined us by Pinkie’s bedside. “So, can you help?” she asked hopefully.

I sighed. Things were about to get really, REALLY messy. “Yeah, I know a spell. It’s for, ah, whenever I feel guilty about eating too much…”

The last few hours had been nightmarish. Forcing ponies to regurgitate death muffins for hours on end was NOT fun. It was gross, smelly, exhausting, and very loud. One can only listen to barfing sounds for so long without banging their head against the wall. The lecture by Nurse Redheart on the harmful side effects of ‘purge binging,’ as she called it, didn’t help either.

Hmph. I hardly ever use that spell anyways. Food is far too delicious to be wasted like that.

As I nursed the rather large bruise on the side of my head, I simmered over some very choice words I’d have for Applejack as soon as I showed up on her farm. The nerve of that pony! Causing the rest of us all sorts of trouble over her dumb stubbornness! It was ridiculous. Time for action!

I will write that friendship report even if it kills me! Which, at this rate, it will!

When I finally got to Sweet Apple Acres, I was greeted by quite the strange sight. Applejack was sleeping upside-down, stuck fast in her wagon harness, which in turn was sitting on its rear end in the middle of a basin partially filled with apples. I facehoofed. This was getting absurd. “Applejack, we need to talk!” No response.

“NOW!”

Now THAT got a response. Applejack immediately came to and dazedly met my expression, which to her probably appeared upside-down. “Wha? Huh? Oh…it’s you, Twilight.” She yawned. “Ah know what yer gonna say, but th’ answer is still ‘no’!”

The opportunity for a fabulous joke surfaced. I immediately grabbed it. “Not to upset your apple cart or anything, but you NEED help!” I said forcefully, trying not to giggle.

“Hardy har,” Applejack intoned morosely. “An’ no Ah don’t!” She then began to groan and flail her legs, obviously attempting to right herself on her own.

But I had her now. She would have to cave to my logic, even if it involved some minimal effort on my part. “There’s no way you can get out of this without help, so allow me! I’ll get you right-side up faster than you can say-”

“HELP??” Applejack responded loudly. “No thanks!” She then proceeded to do something I’ve never seen anypony do before, and hopefully will never see anypony do again. Seriously, I didn’t know ponies were even CAPABLE of bending like that! Not to mention that thing she did with the pole! Oh, sweet Luna! My eyes! Just thinking about it gives me goosebumps!

But somehow, miraculously, it worked. She was back on her hooves. “A l’il more…a l’il…UGH! There!” I was shocked, to say the least. That pony was DETERMINED. And apparently capable of completely defying the laws of common sense and physics. I thought only Pinkie could do that…must be an earth pony thing to make up for their lack of anything else cool like wings or magic.

So…does that mean the Princesses can distort reality, since they encompass all three types of ponies?

Scary thoughts. I’m going to try not to think about it. And try harder not to have nightmares.

“Now Ah’ll prove that THIS Apple can handle THESE apples!” She then began to beat a dead tree senseless with her hind legs. “C’mon…ugh…apples! Agh! FALL OFF! Urgh!”

Opportunities. Opportunities everywhere.

“AJ…I think you’re beating a dead…tree,” I finished with a slight giggle. What? It was still really funny, all things considered.

Applejack stared at the tree for a moment, seemingly perplexed by the fact that she managed to miss that little detail. As if on cue, a single leaf detached itself from a shriveled branch and floated down past her face. “Ah knew that,” she said simply before walking off.

I groaned in exasperation. “Whatever. I’m still not done with you, Applejack. You have a lot to answer for! I just came back from Ponyville Urgent Care, and-”

“Y’know, Ah’m a little busy ta git lectured right now, Twilight!” Oh. Oh I see how it is. I’M the one who has to deal with all the problems YOU’RE causing, and you think you have the right to yell at ME? Ohhhhh…Applejack, if you weren’t a really good friend of mine, you’d be in for it right now.

I’m also worried you might throttle me at a later point in time.

“Well, if you’d just listen to me and-” I began angrily, intent on hammering my point home even if I had to beat it into her skull myself. Not literally just…as close to literal as one can get without being literal. If that makes any sense.

“Argh! No! No! NO! How many times have Ah gotta say it?! Ah don’t need no help from NOPONY!”

“But-” I began.

“AND NO NAPS NEITHER!”

“AAARRGH!” I screamed in frustration, whirling about to leave, afraid for both of our safeties at this point should my temper explode.

As I treaded the well-worn path back into town, I seethed with anger, stamping my hooves on the hard-packed, dusty ground. “That pony is as stubborn as a mule!”

At that, I heard a rather indignant mule-like sound from beside me. I turned and was surprised to see a rather ugly mule standing on the road with me. “Excuse me?” he asked in his obnoxious, nasally voice.

…Oops. “Oh, um…no offense?” I ventured, smiling sheepishly. What? It’s not my fault that somepony made that expression up! It’s just true! It’s too perfect!

“Hmph,” he snorted indignantly. “If you expect two little words to forgive what you said, you are gravely mistaken. I was deeply offended. I want a proper apology.”

“What?” I answered in disbelief, my prior bubbling anger beginning to resurface. “Are you crazy? Everypony says that! Don’t be so sensitive!”

“Easy for you to say!” he snarled. “There aren’t any mean sayings involving ponies!”

“It’s not my fault that saying was created before you freaks were around!” I shouted.

“Exactly! That’s why you should all stop saying it! Times are changing!” he yelled back.

“No! It’s traditional! Therefore I’m going to be completely illogical and defend it for no good reason!” I shrieked back.

His misshaped eyes narrowed and his grossly elongated ears flattened. His gnarled hooves ground angrily against the dusty path, kicking up clouds of dirt. “We shall have to settle our differences another time,” he whispered angrily. “For my mother is expecting my return soon.”

“Indeed,” I hissed back. “We shall.” With that, we both turned on our hooves, let out a loud and angry ‘harrumph!’, and headed off in our opposite directions, both seething furiously. The nerve of that monstrosity! I smiled malevolently as I headed back to Ponyville, considering the mutant freak that was headed to Sweet Apple Acres at the moment.

Oh, I’ll put him in his place all right. I’ll deal with him for good…

It was another beautiful day in Ponyville.

The sun, the sky, the breeze, no clouds, Rainbow Dash, everypony in town, heading home from the market, blah, blah, blah.

And yes, I hated every bit of it. Even more than I did last time.

As much as I was loathe to admit it, the reason was undoubtedly the Applejack problem. It kept nagging at the back of my mind despite my best efforts to ignore it. And it was certainly having negative effects on my studying. I couldn’t focus well. I was angry and irritable all the time. And I had these weird cravings for apples, but I absolutely refused to go back to Sweet Apple Acres. What was it Applejack had said? Oh, yeah. ‘No way, no how.’

I just knew that if I could figure out how to solve her problem, it would give me material for my upcoming friendship report. And Celestia was being VERY strict about those for some reason. I wasn’t quite sure why. And I had no other ideas on what to write it about.

So, yeah. Applejack was screwing with my studies in more ways than one. Talk about the being the ‘loyalest of friends.’ Hmph. Not anymore. More like ‘the best at screwing over my life.’

It was with thoughts such as these that I angrily trudged home with, ever so eager to get back to my miserable, doomed attempts at studying.

And then the unthinkable happened.

The ground began to shake.

Well I’ll be damned, it would appear that an earthquake has struck this Luna-forsaken town! Perhaps my prayers have finally been answered for once! At last! Catastrophe strikes and the town will be leveled! Homes reduced to rubble! Uncontrollable flames will break out! The water tower will collapse and flood half the town! Chaos will reign supreme!

And, after I save everypony in town using my super-magical-awesomeness, I will-

Wait a minute…didn’t this happen already? Like, a few days ago? Suddenly, it all came rushing back to me. It wasn’t an earthquake, it was a stampede. And that good-for-nothing varmint Applejack was probably already in action, ready to hog all the glory for herself yet again!

Not if I had anything to say about it!

I tore off towards the edge of town, the same place where I heard Rainbow Dash shout ‘stampede’ last time. As I ran, I noticed the townsponies were once again freaking out, running about aimlessly, and shutting themselves up in their cute little wood and straw homes as if that would save them.

Yes! Destruction was nigh! This was my chance at fame and fortune! Grinning proudly, I drew myself up to my full height as I trotted, exuding confidence with every step. Fear not, Ponyville! The heroine you’ve been waiting for has – hold on, it’s happening again. That feeling that I’ve already been through this exact same scenario. My suspicions were confirmed when I suddenly saw Rainbow Dash fly into the air, in the EXACT same spot I found her in last time, and loudly shout: “STAMPEDE!!”

Huh. If this was a movie or something, it’s almost like the producers were using the exact same roll of film once again. Hay, I’d do it. It would save time, effort, and cost. It only makes sense.

Still. Talk about déjà vu. …Creepy.

I waited for Pinkie Pie to show up and spout off something random about her voice sounding silly, just like last time. For some reason, it didn’t happen. I was also slightly disappointed by that for reasons I don’t fully understand. And there was no sign of the mayor or any of my other friends.

Time to get some answers. “Hey, Rainbow! Down here!” I called.

Rainbow stopped her hoof-biting to look down at me. “Twilight! What are you doing? You’ve gotta get out of here!” she yelled fearfully as she fluttered down to me.

“Rainbow, just, hold on a second! Hear me out on this one! Doesn’t this all seem…y’know…familiar?” I asked, hopeful she would share my strange feelings.

Rainbow cocked her head in confusion. “Huh? What do you mean familiar? No, not at all!”

“But just last week!” I protested. “There was a stampede just like there is now! And it’s happening in the exact same way! The townsponies panicking, me being in a bad mood, and you jumping up and yelling ‘STAMPEDE!!’” I finished, attempting to imitate Rainbow’s voice and doing a not-bad job, if I do say so myself.

She, however, had other opinions. She snorted indignantly. “That’s not what I sound like!”

“It doesn’t matter! I’ve got a HUGE sense of déjà vu! Please tell me you do too!”

Rainbow cocked her head in confusion once again. “Déjà what? You lost me, Twilight.”

“Ah! It just happened again! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?” I screamed in horror.

Rainbow grabbed my shoulders and shook me bodily. “Snap out of it, Twi!”

“Wait!” I cried, clutching one last glimmer of hope. “This is the part where Applejack saves us all, just like last time!” I wasn’t even upset about her stealing the glory again, I was just hopeful I could get somepony else to see the eerie similarities and confirm I’m not losing it.

“Twilight…” Rainbow began. “Applejack’s been working herself to death all week, remember? I don’t think she’s in any shape to stop a stampede.” My eyes widened. It was true! So what in Equestria was going on? “C’mon, we gotta do something!” Rainbow piped up again. “For all we know, the stampede could be – oh no…” she trailed off as she looked over my shoulder, wide-eyed.

I was afraid to turn around, but did so anyways. I gasped as I saw a huge cloud of dust rising above the houses and shops of Ponyville. “Oh no! This isn’t right at all! The stampede has reached the town!”

“C’mon!” Rainbow shouted worriedly. “We’ve gotta go help!”

“Wait! Does the mayor know?”

“I don’t know!” Rainbow responded quickly.

“Okay, then. You go tell her and get the authorities mobilized while I go see what I can do to help!” I ordered hastily.

Rainbow snapped a salute and replied, “got it,” before taking off in a rainbow-colored blur. Well, at least she was good at listening to orders in a crisis.

I’ll have to remember that one.

With worry in my heart, but also a glimmer of hope for cookies and a medal, I took off towards the rapidly dispersing clouds of dust. I rounded a corner onto Mane Street and was horrified to see three mares lying still in the middle of the road. Oh no! What could have happened? And…what were their names, again? I think one was named Rose…but I forget the other two.

As I started to walk over, however, they thankfully began to stir. “The horror! The horror!” Rose began to shout.

“It was AWFUL!” the pink one with the yellow mane added.

“A disaster! A horrible, horrible disaster!” the pink one with the green mane finished.

I scanned the area quickly, hoping to find any traces of cows. Unfortunately, there was none. Not even hoofmarks in the road… “I don’t get it…” I mumbled quietly to myself. How was this possible? Where was the death and destruction? How was I supposed to be a heroine now?

“Our gardens, destroyed!” pink-and-yellow continued, staring sadly at a few rows of destroyed crops.

“Every last flower devoured!” Rose added, poking through a series of empty pots.

“By…by…THEM!” pink-and-green shouted, pointing a hoof. I followed it, and promptly lost my jaw at what I saw.

A bunch of RABBITS! “Oh my! Oh…please stop little bunnies! Oh no! Please! Let’s just go home! Oh my goodness!” I heard the worried voice of Fluttershy call out as she attempted to gather up the bunnies, which were currently in the process of devouring any and all plant matter in sight.

Wait…so…the stampede…was a bunch of BUNNIES? I rolled my eyes and facehoofed, HARD. This week just couldn’t get any more bizarre. Well, on the bright side, at least nopony was seriously hurt. As much as I sometimes despise the citizens of Ponyville, it’s not like I want them to die or anything. Not even that mule!

And then it hit me. Applejack was supposed to be helping Fluttershy with the bunny census, wasn’t she? Hmm…how ominous…

So! Let’s review the facts, shall we? Fluttershy: check. Rampaging horde of bunnies: check. Applejack: nowhere to be found. Coincidence? I think very strongly not. “All right…” I muttered darkly as I began my trek to Sweet Apple Acres, determined to make this the last angry visit. “Enough is enough. I am GOING to get that pony help before she BURNS the town down, even if I have to do it MYSELF, and she will LIKE IT!!”

“Must…keep…bucking…just…a few…more…must…finish harvestin’…” Applejack was a complete and utter wreck as I approached her. She had clearly gone several days with little to no sleep, extreme exertion, and probably insufficient food and water. I didn’t care what she said, if for no other reason, I was going to make her stop just for her own health’s sake. Despite what I said earlier about her, she’s still my friend.

Just not my best friend. Rarity has claimed that spot for now.

“All right, Applejack!” I shouted angrily as I trotted up to her. She looked up at my voice and I saw her expression darken, but before she could spew any nonsense out of her open mouth, I cut her off. Oh no. It’s MY time to speak now, and she will listen!

“Your applebucking hasn’t just caused YOU problems, it’s over-propelled pegasus, practically poisoned plenty of ponies, and terrorized bushels of brand-new, bouncing baby bunnies. I don’t care WHAT you say, you need several things right now! Let me list them off to you, nice and simple: you need HELP, you need SLEEP, and you need to take a BREAK! NO! MORE! ‘BUT’S!” I screamed in frustration.

Applejack tensed, and for a moment I thought she was going to hit me. I prepared my horn. But instead, she simply bucked the tree behind her with an almighty THUD, and smiled proudly as the tree dumped its load of fruit into the baskets on her back. “Ha! No Ah don’t! Look! Ah did it! Ah harvested th’ entire Sweet Apple Acres without yer help! How’d ya like THEM apples?” she taunted, gesturing grandly to a sweeping area of empty, entirely green apple trees. I had to admit I was impressed, but she was missing one painfully obvious fact…

I was about to open my mouth and point that out when a third voice spoke up. “Ummm, how do YOU like THEM apples?” Big Macintosh asked after materializing out of nowhere, gesturing to the other half of the fields which were still chock-full of apples. I was shocked to see the muscular red earth pony with a series of long, white bandages wrapped around his midsection. I wonder what in Equestria he did to himself? Also, I think that’s the most I’ve ever heard him say at once.

But seriously. These earth ponies. They’ve got something going on. I’m tired of them popping up out of nowhere.

Applejack stared at the fruit-laden trees, her jaw working aimlessly, her bloodshot eyes wide, mumbling meaningless phrases of nonsense before finally giving up and collapsing. Big Mac and I hurriedly moved to her side in worry.

After a few minutes of calling her name, with Big Macintosh stoically looking on and not offering a word of advice, Applejack finally came to. “Huh?” she mumbled woozily.

“Oh good, you’re okay,” I said, relieved. But now was the time to convince her to stop this nonsense. It was driving everypony crazy, me in particular. I had to put my hoof down. Given her current look of helplessness, I decided to go easy on her. “Now Applejack,” I began softly. “I completely respect the Apple family ways…” Yeah, right. Dumb traditionalists. Learn to keep up with the times already. “You’re always there to help anypony in need.” She looked away, conflicting emotions written across her face. “So maybe, just maybe, you can put a little bit of your stubborn pride aside and allow your friends to help you.” She closed her eyes, clearly preparing her counter-argument.

“Okay, Twilight…” Oh no you don’t.

“I am not taking no for an answer–” Wait, what? “Wait, what?”

“Yes, Twilight.” She put her front hooves together in a pleading fashion. “Yes, please! Ah could really use yer help…” My jaw hung loosely from my mouth. Whatever I had been expecting from this encounter, it most certainly was not surrendering without a fight. Completely unable to think of anything intelligent to say in response, I simply giggled slightly and let out a relieved sigh. Big Mac looked on with a proud smile.

Now to acquire some help and solve this problem once and for all…

“Okay then. That was much easier than I thought it would be. I’m glad you’ve finally come to your senses, Applejack,” I said sincerely.

Applejack chuckled and let out a yawn. “Yeah…Ah’m sorry Ah was so stubborn Twilight, but y’all was right all along. Ah’m a mess right now…”

“Yes, you are. And I’m going to tell you how to start getting better.”

Applejack sat up slightly, looking hopeful. “Really? How? Tell me!”

I looked around and spied a particularly shady-looking tree in the distance. I pointed my hoof at it. “See that tree? Go to it and sit underneath the leaves with your back to the trunk. And don’t move until I say you can.”

Applejack looked puzzled, but obeyed nonetheless. “Okay…”

“And don’t move until I say so!” I called after her. Within moments, she was sound asleep, snoring loudly as she leaned against the tree. I giggled as her Stetson hat slipped off her head to cover her face. “That mare really needs some sleep,” I said softly.

“Eeyup.”

It was a beautiful afternoon in Ponyville. The sun was shining brightly. The birds were chirping merrily. The soft breeze was flowing blissfully. The air was fresh and cool. Rainbow Dash had actually gotten up and cleared the deep blue sky of clouds, much to my undying surprise. All in all, it was the perfect afternoon, and everypony in town was outdoors enjoying the amazing weather.

Except for my friends and I. We were currently toiling under the hot sun working the fields here at Sweet Apple Acres.

Lazy, good-for-nothing townsponies…even after all the trouble Applejack had caused, the only ponies I could get to help her finish her work and cease to be completely dysfunctional were my friends. Who, of course, were more than happy to drop everything to make sure none of the week’s disasters became recurring events. In our minds, the effort would be well worth it.

Besides, I can finally write that friendship report that’s due tonight. The timing couldn’t be more perfect. Completely ignoring whatever traditional ideals Applejack hoped to hold on to, I was simply using my magic to levitate several trees’ worth of apples down to their buckets. It was certainly faster than bucking. And easier.

But it still required considerable effort. And I hated it.

It was then that a voice I was not expecting to hear rang out across the fields. “How ‘bout y’all take a l’il break? Ah got some fine apple juice fer ya!” Apple juice? Now THAT sounds good right about now.

Eagerly, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and myself all gathered around Applejack and her cart of refreshing apply goodness. Grateful for the drink as I was, I decided not to chew Applejack out for moving from the tree without my go. She did, however, look much better. Naps will do that to somepony. Applejack let out a yawn as we all grabbed our drinks and began to speak. “Girls, Ah can’t thank ya enough fer this help. Ah was actin’ a…bit stubborn.”

“A bit?” I questioned incredulously.

“Okay, a MIGHT stubborn,” she corrected herself. If that was any improvement, I didn’t really see it. But it’s the thought that counts, and I was just glad she wasn’t immediately shouting down anything I had to say. “An’ Ah’m awful sorry. Now, Ah know th’ town gave me th’ Prized Pony Award, but th’ real award is havin’ you five as mah friends.”

That certainly warmed my heart a bit, and helped solidify my opinion that this course of action was, in the end, and despite all the hard work and stress that came with it, the right one. Friendship solidified, stress relieved, and no threat of Celestia breathing down my neck. Twilight, you’ve done it again. Truly, is there anypony that can even hold a candle to your multi-tasking abilities?

And so, we all enjoyed our delicious apple juice drinks as Applejack looked on proudly. I noticed that her eyes weren’t nearly as bloodshot and that the bags under her eyes had faded. I caught her gaze as I studied her. She winked. “Oh, and Twilight, thanks fer steerin’ me towards that there nap. Ah feel fresher than Ah’ve felt in days!”

“Isn’t it wonderful?” I agreed with a chuckle.

“Eeyup,” she replied happily. “Why it felt so good, Ah’ll probably end up makin’ a habit of it. Maybe Ah can even git up a bit earlier if Ah know Ah’ll git ta nap later in th’ day!”

I rolled my eyes at her enthusiasm towards getting up earlier, but I smiled and nodded in agreement all the same.

My work here is done. Another pony has learned the Way of the Nap.

Now if only I could make progress on the Way of Resisting Celestia front…

“Ahhh,” Rainbow Dash sighed in contentment. “That applebucking sure made me hungry!”

“And I’ve got the perfect treat!” Spike exclaimed as he sidled up to the table with an armful of…half-eaten…muffins…oh dear.

“Ewww, Spike I threw those away!” Pinkie squealed in disgust. For once, I found myself agreeing with her. “Where did you get those?”

“From the trash!” Spike answered, way too excitedly. I honestly couldn’t decide if he was actually excited about those muffins, or if he was going all-out to pull an elaborate prank on us.

“Eeeewwww!!” we all cried in unison. Seriously, prank or no prank, that was pretty gross.

“Just a little nibble? Come ooon!” he implored as we all began to walk away from him back towards the few remaining fruit-bearing trees.

We all began to speak up at once, voicing our protests to Spike’s grossness in one way or another. He seemed to find this to be quite amusing, thankfully leaning my opinion towards ‘prank.’

Eventually we got him to get rid of the muffins, this time for good. And by ‘we,’ I mean that I picked the plate up in my magic and threw it in the lake. Seriously, it was starting to smell. Spike was rather put-off by this, but nopony particularly cared. We also finished up all the applebucking, leading Applejack to joyfully declare this year’s Applebuck Season to officially be over. And there was much rejoicing.

“Yaaaay!”

The kitchen at Sweet Apple Acres was certainly busy. Applejack, her family, and several of my friends were busily bustling about, preparing a celebratory meal. I, however, due to my general incompetence in the kitchen, was sitting this one out in the living room.

I also wanted to jot down my letter to Celestia while it was still fresh in my head.

“Dear Princess Celestia,” I intoned to Spike, who was dutifully recording my every word. “No matter who you ask, everypony will agree that Applejack is a great friend, or at least that she’s always willing to help somepony out with their problems. It’s just that when she got herself into a big problem of her own, she was unwilling to seek help. It’s important to remember that while giving to friends is important, one also has to be willing to accept what is given to them. But even more importantly than that, I learned that being a traditionalist will get you nothing but trouble, and you shouldn’t shout down ponies when they’re encouraging you to move on and solve your problems. Your student, Twilight Sparkle.”

“Sounds good to me!” Spike said as he finished signing my name.

“I couldn’t agree more,” I concurred. “Feel free to send it on its way.” One blast of green fire later, and the deed was done.

“Heya Twi, Spike,” Applejack called as she walked up to us. “What’cha doin’ out here by yerselves?”

“Just finishing up my letter to Celestia,” I answered. “It was due this evening.”

“What was it about?” she inquired curiously.

“You, of course!” I replied with a laugh. “You sure were stubborn!”

Applejack laughed as well. “Haha, yeah…Ah was bein’ pretty silly…”

“It’s okay, though,” I tried to comfort her, draping a forehoof around her shoulders as she sat down next to me. “We got it all figured out.”

She smirked at that. “Yeah…Ah s’pose we did.”

Suddenly, I was reminded of a certain question I’d been meaning to ask. “Say, Applejack, I’ve been wondering…”

“Yeah?”

“Whatever happened to Big Mac in the first place? He’s a pretty tough stallion…”

Applejack flushed bright red at that. “Well…uh…”

My eyebrows hit the ceiling. “Come on, you can tell us. I’m good at keeping secrets, remember?”

“Yeah, Ah do…” she replied uncertainly. “Look, Ah won’t share the details, since Ah promised not ta talk ‘bout it, but let’s just say…y’all remember how he lost th’ bet, right?”

“Yeah…” I answered.

“Well…we had a bit o’ an issue with Granny’s girdle. That’s all Ah’m gonna say.”

My eyes slowly widened. “Oh my…how horrifying.”

“C’mon you three!” Pinkie exclaimed as she suddenly jumped out from behind the cushions of the couch we were seated on, startling the hay out of all of us. “The food’s almost ready! It’s time to PAAAARTAAAY!”

And with that, we excitedly entered the kitchen for a fun night of food and friendship.

Author's Note

Damn conservatives. Need to get with the program and stick with the times.

But in all seriousness. Hasbro you are sending a terrible message to children. Make racist statement? "No offense!" It's all good now, right? Jeebus. How 'bout no.

Anywho. Finally felt confident enough with my structure for this chapter that I sat down, booted up the episode, and cranked out 10k words Tuesday evening. The first 3k or so was assembled over the course of about a week as I put everything together. Sorry again about the wait guys, but I'm just not a very fast writer. Sure, I can type fast, but it's hard for me to get creative. Not that I can't, obviously, but it takes more time and effort. Hopefully the nice, long update makes up for that.

Next up: Gilda meets Twilight. There will be absolutely no gay relationships hinted at. None whatsoever. Nope. Nothing to see here...

As always, my friends, read, comment, and enjoy!

Griffon the Totally-Platonic-Friend

A Series of Inexplicably Convenient Events

Original concept written and edited by Shanenator

Chapter Five: Griffon the Totally-Platonic-Friend

Kill me. Kill me now. I don’t particularly care how, just make it fast. Why, one might ask?

Because Pinkie. Will not. SHUT. UP.

“-And then Rainbow Dash swooped down, SWOOSH! And then right before she hit the ground, SHOOM! She pulled u-”

“Uh huh,” I replied without a second thought, not paying the slightest bit of attention to the spastic pink mare babbling incessantly before me. I couldn’t believe my rotten luck. Ever since I’d gotten the whole Applejack incident cleared up, because of my neverending awesomeness, of course, my studies had finally started to click back into place.

I could actually focus. I was getting better at teleportation every day that passed. I managed to complete the majority of my homework assignments. I actually got a few of my readings done, which I only ever did when I was in a REALLY good mood. Having all these friends around was quite possibly having a very positive effect on my life, especially on the aspects that I normally held a deep-seated, burning hatred of a thousand white-hot suns of furious anger towards.

Especially my schoolwork. Well, I suppose that’s really the only aspect that’s improved. I still had a deep-seated, burning hatred of a thousand white-hot suns of furious anger towards several other things.

CABBAGES…

Ahem. Anyways, to make things even better, I hadn’t even missed a friendship report yet. Celestia was so impressed with my work ethic that week that she lightened up my load just the teensiest-tiny bit. But hey, I’ll take it. An inch is a mile with her. Yet another benefit of having friends.

So why, one might ask, was it that I was considering my luck to be ‘rotten’?

“-And I was so taken by the little mushroom people, I just couldn’t help but-”

“Uh huh.” THAT’S why. Because the one day I wake up feeling invigorated, the one day that I decide to conquer my greatest source of apathy, the ONE day I feel I have the inner strength to sit down with a history textbook and start preparing for that blasted report, I am assaulted in my peaceful reverie by the Pink Menace.

Not that I’m paying her any mind, of course. She could be proclaiming the end of the world or something ridiculous like an alien invasion or the sky is falling and I wouldn’t be troubled in the slightest. She could even be expounding upon the evils of Princess Celestia and issuing a call to arms RIGHT THIS INSTANT and I would be oblivious.

……

“-But that’s when the smooze started falling from the sky, and I was forced to-”

Well that was probably too much to hope for. Three strikes; she’s out. I have no idea what inane topic she’s managed to ramble onto by now, but I’m sure it’s not nearly as important of a contender for my attention as the book right in front of my face. Which I am trying OH SO DESPERATELY to read and obtain information from, but with her constant yammering in the background it’s essentially impossible. So it’s back to the original plan of placating the Pink Presence indefinitely until she finishes whatever it is she’s trying to say and leaves me alone.

“Uh huh,” I absentmindedly drone yet again, not bothering to come up with a more creative or engaged response. It wasn’t MY fault I was trying to study today!

“-So that’s how I know that the bride will be kidnapped and replaced by a-”

Sigh…and I was doing so well, too…

It was then that salvation arrived in the form of a screaming noise not unlike that of the sound barrier being brutally maimed followed by a prismatic band arcing its way over our heads.

Releasing a shrill gasp and leaping into the air, her previous train of thought completely derailed, thrown a great distance, and exploded into a million tiny little bits and a brilliant fire ball, Pinkie Pie took off in the same direction as the chromatic indicator screaming, “Rainbow Dash! Wait for me!”

I released a sigh of contentment, realizing that I was now alone in the park…on a beautiful spring day…free to do nothing but sit there and read my boring, old history tome…

…Confound it all.

I made sure to inform the heavens in no uncertain terms of my displeasure with life, the universe, and everything. “UUUUUUUUGGH!!”

Finally! At long last! Done! Free from the boringness of history!

Well…sort of. I finished the book I had been reading. Well, speed-reading.

Okay, skimming.

All right, all right! I just glanced through the table of contents to see if any of the subjects pertained to what I was looking for! I get distracted easily, okay?

Anyways. The book in question did not have the information I required to complete my report. So I was heading back to the book store I purchased it from to return it. Yes, I did in fact purchase a history book from a book store, despite the fact that I reside in a library. Why? Well…remember that organization method I mentioned? Yeah…by now the books in the library are in a state of complete and utter chaos. It’s basically impossible to find anything in that mess, so I gave up and decided to buy a new book.

And now I’m returning it to get a new one which will hopefully be more helpful. And then I will get lunch, I’m starving! With the book store in sight, I eagerly trotted towards the front door when…

“Twilight!” The voice…the voice is back! My life is over! Run to the hills!

Or…not. Nopony on the planet can deny Pinkie Pie what she wants. That mare has determination. And a couple of screws loose, but that doesn’t stop her from being terrifyingly obnoxious.

I groaned in agony as the pink ball of energy happily bounced up to me, and prepared myself for the worst. She’s come back to pick up where she left off, I can just feel it! Brace for impact! I squeezed my eyes shut tightly and leaned backwards, waiting to hear what horrors she may unleash…

“Have you seen Rainbow Dash anywhere?”

I blinked one eye open. I blinked the other open. That was it? She wanted Rainbow Dash, not me? Oh, praise Luna, I have been spared this day! Oh glorious, joyous day! I live to eat another lunch!

Hmmm…now to ponder the question at hoof. Have I seen Rainbow Dash? I saw her earlier when she flew overhead, but I thought Pinkie went after her. Maybe she lost her somehow? I wasn’t sure. But I hadn’t seen her since, so I decided to do the only thing I could and take a quick look around. I mean, what are the chances that she would actually be within line of sight of me at this VERY moment? Infinitesimally small.

I looked left. Nothing. I looked right. Nothing. And then remembering that I was in fact searching for a pegasus, I hazarded a glance straight up.

…Only to be rewarded by the sight of a rainbow-colored tail poking out from behind a fluffy, white cloud. I sighed and resisted the urge to facehoof. Note to self: provoke the universe with stupid questions and ye shall receive.

Now for the ultimate question: to sell Rainbow Dash out or to protect my friend? On the one hoof, I’ve already dealt with Pinkie Pie for the majority of the day and would honestly welcome doing just about anything besides reading history books.

But on the other hoof, I’ve dealt with Pinkie Pie almost all day!

Hmmm….decisions, decisions…

Sorry Dashie, but it’s your turn to suffer at the hooves of the Pink One. Consider this payback for slamming me into the ground the other day. I pointed a hoof upwards and said, “isn’t that her right there?”

Pinkie’s grin grew so wide I feared it would split her head right in half, like an overripe…um…pink, fruity thing…

Shut up, that sounded better in my head.

“RAINBOW DAAAASH!” Pinkie called loudly and obnoxiously. I could literally SEE the tremor of fear that shook Rainbow’s body, and had to resist the urge to do so myself. I watched with some amusement as she pulled her head out of the clouds, literally, and then took off like a rocket towards Sweet Apple Acres.

But was the Pink Monstrosity fazed? Not in the slightest. Bouncing along as though she hadn’t a care in the world, Pinkie Pie set off after our chromatic pal at what would be relatively considered a snail’s pace.

Watching her pink tail bounce around a corner and out of sight, I released a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding. Shaking my head slightly, I turned to resume my prior business of…obtaining a new history book…to read…

More like speed-read. Okay, skim. All right, all right! Glance through the table of contents!

…Why was I purchasing books in the first place when I could just skim the table of contents of every history-related book in the store?

Brilliant, Twilight. Sheer brilliance. Nopony can even hope to compare. Let the best laid plans commence!

I trotted out of the book store with a smile on my face. I was on top of the world! I honestly couldn’t believe how well that had worked out.

Twenty books! I went through a little over twenty books in about half an hour, deciding whether or not I needed to use them. And eventually, I finally found the book I needed to write my report, and it was stored safely in my saddlebags.

It was about the alicorn princesses, and their rise to power. That’s what I planned to write my history report on. After all, that is the aspect of Equestrian history that garners the most interest from me. I mean, the tyrant Celestia had to start somewhere! It’s time to expose her crimes once and for all!

Well…not really. I already have a prompt. My report will only have the slightest, teensiest bit of political bias. I promise.

My rather gleeful mood was then soured by a particularly loud grumbling coming from my stomach. I doubled over in pain, quite suddenly reminded that I still needed lunch. But where to go, where to go…?

Well clearly after all my hard work today, it was time for a reward. With a grin on my face and a rumbly in my tumbly, I headed off towards the pizza place.

It was time for some comfort food.

I groaned in a strange mix of pain and euphoria as I staggered through my front door, hobbled through the main lobby, lurched up the stairs, and then promptly collapsed on top of my large pile of beanbags, pillows, and other soft substances, pausing only briefly on my epic journey to say hi to Spike, who was currently making a sandwich or something in the kitchen.

Or at least, that was the plan. In reality, I just staggered through the front door and then collapsed on the couch, perfectly willing and able to just sleep right there. Sighing in contentment with a goofy smile plastered across my face, I slowly rubbed my bulging paunch as I felt the twisting tendrils of sleep begin to claim me.

“Ooof…shouldn’t have eaten…the whole large…but it was so worth it…”

And with that, I was out.

Some unimportant but most pleasant number of hours later, I awoke from my nap feeling most energized. A feeling that was rather unusual for me, but relished nonetheless. After all, I had just had a nap AND an excellent pizza meal. I would be hard-pressed to think of separate conditions more conducive to a happy Twilight.

It was with this in mind that I decided to continue my hated undertaking: the dreaded history report. Heading upstairs, I gathered my weapons for the approaching battle. Reams of parchment, check. Plenty of quills, check. A rather conveniently located well of ink that I don’t remember purchasing, check. I’d have to make sure to thank Spike later, clearly he’s been doing such a good job keeping me stocked.

And last but not least, my recently and ingeniously acquired history book.

Time to get cracking!

Levitating a quill and dipping it copiously into the bottle of inky…well…ink, I started my report with the easy part.

A History of the Royal Pony Sisters

By Twilight Sparkle

Placing my quill back in the inkwell, I cracked open my book to begin searching for facts that I would be using in my report. Using the table of contents as a quick and handy reference, of course, I flipped to a relevant page. The best part of a book was undoubtedly the table of contents, as it was perfect for ponies of the slightly less nerdish persuasion, such as myself.

Composing my thoughts, I turned back to my report to begin penning a topic sentence, only to be met with…a blank page.

…Huh. I could’ve SWORN I already wrote the title. Oh well, that’s the easy part, I’ll just do it real quick. However, after completing the title once again, I’d forgotten what I was going to write next. I turned back to the book to refresh my memory, but this time I wanted to make sure nothing funny was going to happen, since I was still pretty sure I wrote the title twice.

Flinging my gaze back to the report, I shouted, “aha! Gotchaaaa…oh.” I trailed off as I was met by the title of my report staring back at me. Well, okay. I guess I can look away now. But what about…now!

Nope, still there. I looked away again and then back one last time. But the title was still sitting on the page, clear as Celestia’s sun was in the sky. Huh. Guess I was imagining things. Time to read!

A few minutes later, I had composed my entire first paragraph. Turning back to my paper, I dipped my quill a few times, eager to get started and, more importantly, get finished. But, much to my surprise…the paper was blank.

I stared absentmindedly at the empty piece of paper for a moment or two, trying to process what exactly had happened. One minute, I had a piece of parchment with a title on it. The next, what little work I had done was gone! And if there was one thing I DESPISED, it was wasted effort.

And cabbages.

I must’ve stared at that parchment for a minute or two, unmoving and confused, before the culprits behind my misfortune decided to be merciful. Hearing a sudden giggling behind me, I turned around to stare out of my window.

And who should I see but Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie, perched in the branches of my large, oaken home and holding a bottle of…disappearing ink! Why, the nerve of those two! The gall! The disrespect!

The…surprisingly amusing sense of humor. Chuckling a bit to myself, I simply rolled my eyes and headed for the door as the two troublemakers took off, peals of laughter ringing behind them. Sure, I could’ve gotten mad at them, but it was that kind of harmless prank that I just loved pulling myself. The castle staff up at Canterlot had to endure far worse from my younger self over the years. I just couldn’t get angry at kindred spirits.

Besides, now I had something to focus on besides writing that report. Time to go get some ink…

I was in a rut. I had no idea what to write next. Flicking my eyes back to the stack of sheets, I could see my approximately half a page of writing or so that I’d so far accomplished. At least this time it wasn’t disappearing on me.

But still, I’d been flipping through this book for about an hour at least, with nothing new to show for it. And it was getting close to lunchtime, too!

Oh, yeah. It was the next day. After getting the ink I decided that I’d done enough work that day and went to hang out with Pinkie and Rainbow. Although they were wrapping up for the day, we still managed to fit in one more epic prank before the sun went down.

And, well…let’s just say we’re really lucky to not be in prison right now. Guess my idea wasn’t so great after all…

Anyways. Back to my report. Or, should I say, my dismal attempts at making any progress on said report.

And that was when all Tartarus broke loose.

WHAM!

I jumped several feet into the air as my front door exploded inwards, somehow miraculously staying on its hinges. And through that gaping portal stepped none other than the Pink Fury.

And boy, was she MAD. Immediately, I assumed the worst. Clearly, the powers of the Pink Eye had peered into my past and was about to expose me for all my past infractions! The horror, the horror! Time to backpedal!

Throwing my forehooves in the air, I began to earnestly profess my innocence. “I was never a member of the Neigho-Nazi Party! I have no idea who put syrup of epitaph in Celestia’s cake! I-”

“I can’t believe this! Absolutely unbelievable! The NERVE of her! I’ve never met a-”

“-Never ever had a pet to leave that convenient little surprise right in the middle of-”

“-Such a mean-mean-meanie pants! I’ll bet she’s pissy because it’s that time of year and her boyfriend-”

“-And I certainly have no idea how Celestia’s clock got so miscalibrated-”

“-Never in all my life have I been so insulted-”

“-And I definitely never ever EVER snuck into the forbidden section of the library at night to read Pony Sutra!”

“-Actually, I’ve never met a griffon before, but if I had I bet she wouldn’t be as mean and grumpy as Gilda!”

We both paused in our mile-a-minute speech and stared at each other for a brief moment. “Say that last part again?” we both said at the exact same time. Pinkie Pie proceeding to break down into a giggle fit. I had to grin.

“Teehee! That was too funny!” Pinkie managed around her snickers.

“Indeed,” I agreed. “It would seem as though we both were going on about completely different topics. Let’s just drop all of what was just said and start over, okay? Forget everything?”

Pinkie cocked her head curiously. “Forget? Why would we want to do that?”

“NOTHING! NO REASON! ABSOLUTELY NONE AT ALL!” I shouted quite a bit louder than I originally intended to. I was understandably a bit jumpy after inadvertently letting loose with several of my deepest, darkest secrets. Yet again I found myself lamenting Pinkie’s rare act of normalcy in that she somehow didn’t know everything that was said already. Truly, I will never understand that pony. Maybe someday I’ll make a dedicated effort to figure her out.

Hmmm…nah.

Pinkie Pie was looking at me suspiciously now. I had a deep-seated fear that I’d just blown everything, despite grinning for all I was worth and desperately hoping she’d buy my hurried cover-ups.

But just as hurriedly as she almost busted down my door, she brightened up and simply replied, “okie dokie lokie!” I breathed a sigh of relief. Another disaster narrowly averted.

“A-anyways,” I stuttered nervously, still immensely relieved. “Clearly something has your mane in a tail.” I received a blank look. “I-I mean, your tail in a knot,” I hastily corrected. “What’s up? And who’s this Gilda you mentioned?” I trotted back over to my book as I spoke, prepared to jump back into the wonderful world of history should Pinkie’s response prove to be boring or monologuing.

Wow, resorting to history tomes to get away from Pinkie Pie. I really AM desperate…

Pinkie’s expression immediately darkened. “Gilda? Who’s Gilda, you ask!? Oh, I’ll tell you alright. Tell you all about her big time!” Pinkie then began to draw in breath, and I mentally prepared myself for the torrential outburst that was about to be unleashed upon my poor, mortal ears.

“Gilda is Rainbow Dash’s old friend from flight school, and she’s a griffon, and she’s super mean, and she keeps stealing Rainbow Dash away, and she popped my balloons, and she told me to buzz off, and she really needs to get an attitude adjustment, and I’ve never met a griffon so mean, well actually I’ve never met a griffon before, but-”

It was then that I decided to try something new. For science, of course. I walked over and stuffed my hoof into Pinkie’s mouth. …Well I’ll be Celestia’s uncle, that actually worked! I’m a genius! “Yes, Pinkie, you said that already. Are you sure Gilda is really so mean?” I’m sure Pinkie is just being Pinkie and blowing everything out of proportion.

“Uh, YEAH!” I hummed in contemplation at her determination. Then again, this is one of Rainbow’s old friends, and if I know Rainbow, I think I have a pretty good inkling what this ‘Gilda’ character might be like.

Wait a second…Rainbow’s old…friend?

Oh. OH. OHHHHHHHH! This is it! This is my chance! To solve the mystery once and for all! To put everypony’s minds at rest! To become the most popular mare in town with the juiciest, most desirable tidbit of information ever! It all potentially makes sense!

Now to simply get a chance to talk with this…‘Gilda’…hehehe…for science…yes…

Pinkie must’ve noticed my slightly evil and/or crazed look descending upon my features, because she roused me from my haze with a poke on the shoulder and an unsure “um…Twilight? You okay?”

“Absolutely dandy!” I replied cheerfully. How could I not be? This was the perfect opportunity! To hay with the stupid history report, it was time for some field work! But first, to ditch the Pink Pest. “You know what I think, Pinkie Pie?” I began innocently.

“What?” she asked.

“I think that Rainbow Dash and Gilda might share a special connection dating back to a long time ago, and that makes each other far more important in their eyes than anypony else. And that includes you, I’m afraid.”

“WHAT?!” she exclaimed.

“Yes, I’m afraid that’s the case,” I nodded solemnly. “But worry you not, Pinkie Pie! I’ll get to the bottom of their secret affair, no doubt about it! And before you know it, you’ll be number one in everypony’s books once again! But for now, you just need to chill and stop being so jealous.”

“JEALOUS?!” Hehehe. Oopsies, I maaay have accidentally set her off. I watched with amusement and no small amount of consternation as her face rapidly flicked through a wide variety of expressions, ranging from depressed to downright furious. “What, I-no that can’t even-I don’t-are you seriou-UGH!!”

And with that loud exclamation, Pinkie Pie hurriedly exited my library home with a loud SLAM! I looked to Spike, who simply shrugged. Well I’ll be sent to Tartarus and back. Another method of ditching Pinkie Pie! Twilight two, Pinkster none. I’ll have to remember some of these tricks for the future…like when I actually decide to write my history report and Pinkie inexorably finds some way to interrupt me.

But for now, time to draw up a master plan. There was work to be done…

About an hour later, I had a general game plan in mind. I would start by asking around town, seeing if anypony knew anything about Gilda in general. Then, hopefully at that point having some general idea of where I could find the griffon of the day, I’d track her down and start monitoring her interactions with Dash.

Shut up, it’s not stalking. It’s playing hide-and-go-seek without telling the other pony they’re ‘it.’ Totally different.

Donning my prized ‘I’m-totally-playing-safari-in-this-bush-and-not-actually-stalking-you’ hat that I used to use to gather information on Celestia, bless her heart for thinking I was actually playing safari and not stalking her, I headed for the front door. However, life had different plans.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!

Oh no! Potential for discovery! Abort, abort, abort! Tossing my prized hat into a random corner of the library, and only shedding a single tear while doing so, I hesitantly opened the door, preparing to deal with whatever interruption had deemed it necessary to delay my plans today.

There was a griffon on my doorstep. A female griffon. And, judging by the half-lidded eyes and attempts to look cool, a very bored griffon that quite possibly could be my quarry. My face lit up as I beheld the newcomer, a wide smile coming to my face. The griffon seemed a little put off by that, but I paid her no mind.

“Why hello there! Welcome to Ponyville Library! I’m Twilight Sparkle, the librarian here. How may I be of assistance today?” I’m…pretty sure that was the most cheerful greeting anypony has ever gotten on my doorstep. Wait, scratch that, she’s not a pony. Good, my perfect record remains unblemished.

The griffon raised a single eyebrow seemingly disinterestedly before replying. “Oh, this is a library? That’s…cool I guess.” It was evident from her tone of voice that it was actually NOT cool.

I frowned in confusion at her statement. “You didn’t see the sign?” I asked in a much more deadpan voice as I jerked my head to where the sign reading ‘Ponyville Library’ stood.

The griffon stared at it for a moment or two before replying, “nope.” Back to playing it cool for her.

“Oooookay.” I wasn’t quite sure what to say at this point, but then my brain kicked into gear and reminded me that I needed to be friendly, and most importantly, I needed to get her inside to ask her some totally innocent, non-prying questions.

For science, of course.

“Well, do you like reading?” I asked in a friendly manner.

“It’s okay, I guess,” the griffon responded coolly. In other words, that would be a big, fat ‘no.’

“That’s great!” I pressed on, ignoring her lackluster enthusiasm. I had to get her inside, I just had to! “Because this is the place to do it! Anything you want more information on, we’ve got! All you have to do is come inside and take a peek!” I stood to the side, gesturing inside. I was trying really, REALLY hard to be friendly, but not overly enthusiastic. This reminds me of the times I tried to make friends. Hey, it’s hard work! Good thing I already have a committed group and don’t need any more!

But I suppose, if I could befriend Gilda, we’d be ‘friends with benefits,’ or something like that. As in, I’d benefit greatly from a certain tidbit of knowledge I’m hoping to extract.

It was a couple of long minutes during which I was sure the griffon would turn down my offer to come in, and I’d have to resort to my totally-not-stalking-Plan-B-that-used-to-be-Plan-A. But then, much to my undying surprise, she slowly began to head towards the door. “I suppose I’m always down to read up on some new tricks and techniques,” she said disinterestedly as she entered the building. Her tone of voice pretty obviously suggested that she was only here because she had nothing better to do.

“Well that’s great, I know we have books on those subjects! My friend Rainbow Dash checks them out alllll the time!” I exaggerated. But only a little bit. There was that one time she checked out that book with all the pictures and diagrams in it. But, like Gilda, she was far too obsessed with her own self-image to be seen reading books. That kind of stuff is for total nerds.

“You know Rainbow Dash?” the griffon asked, perking up noticeably. Interesting, even the slightest mention of Rainbow Dash’s name is enough to get her excited. I levitated over a notepad and jotted down a quick note on the matter as I headed to the ‘R’ section, where I undoubtedly kept all the books on flying. ‘R’ for Rainbow Dash, ingenious, isn’t it? Makes perfect sense! And of course, being the smart and sensible pony I am, I would of course implement such a brilliant plan.

“Yep! She’s one of my best friends. Do you know her too?”

“Heck yeah I do! Dash and I have been pals for ages. Ahh, good times…” the griffon trailed off, obviously reliving some good memories.

“Well, I guess we have something in common, then!” I remarked amicably. “Now let me just find that book for you, er…” I turned around and flashed the griffon an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry, what was your name again? I’m afraid I didn’t quite catch it.”

The griffon stared for a moment or two, as if contemplating whether I was worthy of a response or not. But soon enough she tossed her head disdainfully and replied. “Name’s Gilda,” she said, looking down at one of her talons.

Yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesye-

Okay, Twilight. Play it cool. You’re doing great so far. She’s completely unaware of your true intentions. “I’m Twilight Sparkle. Nice to meet you,” I replied, digging through the ‘R’ section. Hmm, I could’ve sworn I put those books here…

“Likewise,” Gilda responded in a tone that actually didn’t imply the exact opposite. Huh, mentioning Rainbow Dash really did a number on her. Let’s continue this line of questioning, then…

“So how did you and Rainbow get to know each other?” I asked innocently as I headed over to the ‘D’ section, where I obviously had put the books since ‘Dash’ is so much cooler than ‘Rainbow.’ Obviously.

“We met a few years ago at flight camp,” Gilda replied coolly. “Turned out we both liked flying fast, showing off, and winning. The rest just kinda fell into place naturally.”

“Sounds like you two were the perfect match,” I observed cheerfully, only barely managing to suppress my annoyance at not finding the books in the ‘D’ section either. The ‘F’, for flying, maybe?

“You could say that,” Gilda responded nonchalantly. Ohoho, playing hard-to-get, eh? I can dig it.

“So what brings you into town, then? Rainbow, I’m assuming?” I asked as I started rooting through the ‘F’ section. No, no, no, definitely no…

“Yeah, I came to visit. What’s it to you?”

“Just…unf…idle curiosity,” I replied, grunting as I shifted heavy stacks of books about. “Didn’t…ergh…mean anything by it.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Gilda murmured, letting her eyes wander about the library. “You find anything yet?”

I grinned sheepishly as I pulled my head out of the ‘F’ section. No dice once again. Looks like the books were well and truly lost due to my state-of-the-art organizing methods. Oops. “Ehehe…I’m afraid I must’ve misplaced them. I think we’re going to have to comb all the shelves in order to find them,” I said, heading over to the ‘S’ section.

Gilda was silent for a moment or two before I heard her response. “Fine. Not like I have anything better to do.”

“Where’s Rainbow right now?” I asked as I resumed my search anew. Normally I hated combing through the dusty, unorganized shelves, but it was worth it to keep Gilda occupied! This was finally starting to look up!

“Some lame weather job.”

“I see…” I trailed off, staring down at the copy of Pony Sutra I held in my hoof. Now what was that doing there? Hurriedly shoving it back into the shelf so I could remember where it was, I resumed searching. I grinned widely to myself. It was time for the real questioning to begin in earnest…

And now is the hard part I got stuck on. Gilda and Twi wear themselves out trying to find whatever it is they’re looking for, I make it look like they had sex or something for a good page or so before revealing otherwise, Twilight drives Gilda up the wall with her incessant probing until she ragequits Ponyville, and Rainbow’s sexual tendencies are kept unknown for the time being. Or something like that, hard to remember.

*Cue laughtrack*

Author's Note

So since I had a fair portion of this chapter already written, I figured I might as well throw it up for you all to enjoy one last bout of craziness from me. I'm sorry to say that I won't be continuing this (or any) of my stories since writing is tedious, time-consuming, damn difficult, and just not my thing. Thank you all for the fun comments and taking the time to enjoy my work and make me feel, at the time, like a 'cool kid.' Or whatever it is we all strive to be on this website. Cheers all!

And now I'll just sit back and enjoy the brief fireworks...

[EDIT] Haha nice, I got featured one last time. No idea how that shit works anymore but I'm still gonna be a nerd and take pride in it. Lol.