By means of Friendship and Magic

by Dramaideale

Rating: teen
Tags: Trixie, Comedy, Random, Adventure, Discord, Pinkie Pie, Human, Lyra, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 12681

Summoned by a human obsessed Unicorn Lyra, Otto von Bismarck appears in Equestria.

Summoned by a human obsessed unicorn Lyra, Otto von Bismarck appears in Equestria. The ever calm Iron Chancellor befriends many Ponies and encounters many new foes, all while trying to contain the power of his magical Pickelhaube, enchanted by the sinister lord of chaos himself - Discord.

In hopes of wreaking more wonderful chaos, said draconequus summons Montezuma, the Aztec Emperor. The man quickly starts to believe that Trixie is a goddess. Will Lyra and the moustached German Chancellor prevail against the evil forces of the egoistic showmare and her bloodthirsty servant, or will the whole Equestria drown in disharmony? Only time can tell, and the clock is right in Discord's left hand.

Big thanks to McNeil for proofreading and being generally helpful.

Published 2012-01-26 23:44:50 UTC
Last updated 2012-04-01 11:19:46 UTC

Prologue

“The great questions of the day will not be settled by means of iron and blood but by friendship and magic.”

“After all these preparations, I shall finally succeed!” the mint green unicorn cackled gleefully to herself, her golden eyes sparkling in madness.

“I shall summon a glorious human being to Equestria! Everypony will praise me, Lyra Heartstrings, for my relentless efforts!”she laughed again, and as she did, a speck of saliva left her mouth, quietly hitting the grass. She looked around with a maniacal grin. Only thing she noticed was her ritual site, where everything was set in accordance with her vile, black magic book. The lack of trespassers and never-do-wells pleased her and her sense of security greatly rose, so Lyra took yet another proud glance at her wonderful altar.

On t proudly stood a marble statue of Pohneestotheles, an alicorn. He was believed to be a benevolent summoner god who was responsible for the creation of the Ponies and other creatures. She bought his sculpture herself from the no-longer-ancient lands of Grease. Lyra had some suspicions about the low price of the greatly done sculpture, but she decided not to care about that small, irrelevant issue. While the text didn't deem this object necessary, she wanted to ensure the success of her ritual. Below Pohneestotheles was settled a pot full of blutflogg, a substance of incredibly foul smell and – as Lyra heard from countless stories – even worse taste. Not that she would ever consider putting this insufferable stinker near her noble muzzle!

Several straw puppets were seated around the statue, all of them highly resembling the human creatures she envisioned. The toys were facing the sculpture with their tiny heads. They were burning and melting, the unicorn's magic greatly increasing the speed of their demise. Lyra could've sworn she heard one of them scream. Looking around, she quickly recognized the true source of the noise as an owl. The animal was sitting on a tree near Pohneestotheles.

The unicorn started to panic – that bird could disrupt the whole ritual! She mentally cursed herself for not protecting the altar sufficiently with spells. It would be a horrible waste if the months she spent on preparing it all were rendered useless by something so small! She decided to speed up the summoning process before the annoying owl decided to mess her plans up.

Lyra started to hastily voice the ancient summoning text she didn't quite understand. Thankfully for the human-obsessed Pony , the owl decided not to move an inch. It simply looked at her with unnatural curiosity. The unicorn felt great happiness surge through her body and spirit when she noticed Pohneestotheles' statue start moving! The marble alicorn jumped, and with an abrupt noise he disappeared, and another creature was thrown in his stead – a human.

With a cry of happiness, Lyra enthusiastically inspected the sleeping being. After one single glance she knew this human greatly exceeded all of her expectations and fantasies. He wore a gray military-looking uniform, adorned with countless golden decorations and some medals, giving him a certain air of authority. She deduced this one was of high standing among his society, which made her excitement grow even more. The human had white hair on his head, and he also owned a massive, niveous moustache. Near the creature laid a headwear of some sort which had probably fallen off his head during the ritual. The unicorn was quick to curiously examine it. It was a metal spiked helmet, mostly black as night, but it had a golden eagle symbol on it and some other, rather minor gold decorations.

She simply watched this creature in awe, astonished by its every movement. This human, just as she expected, was largely different than anything she – or anypony else, for that matter – had ever seen. That was just one of many reasons for her being so adamant about summoning one of them to Equestria.

-

The first thing the Iron Chancellor Otto von Bismarck noticed was a pain in his back. The bed wasn't as comfy as it had always been and it had never been really “comfy” to begin with. To add insult to the injury, he felt as if he was laying on stone. He decided to check if his suspicions were true and quickly opened his eyes, looking around.

To say the was surprised by his surroundings would be an understatement. Instead of any place he could ever recall, he was in a suspiciously green forest. The sight hardly remembered the mighty, industrial Germany he created himself. There was also a creature of aquatic colour which highly resembled a horse. It also had a horn in the middle of her head. He immediately realized it was an unicorn. It looked at him with a wide, disturbing grin, its golden eyes sparkling intensely, with intelligence he never saw in any other animal.

'Was ist das...? What is this mockery supposed to be?' he thought. He stood up carefully, keeping in mind his old, tired bones. He caressed his moustache gently, carefully considering what exactly had happened and what his current whereabouts were. 'I think it is a scheme of some sorts, possibly devised by the vile Frenchmen, or the Kaiser...' his face suddenly dropped, and sadness filled his blue eyes. 'Either that, or I am truly going mad on my final days.'

The human quickly brightened up as he noticed his Pickelhaube laying in a pile of ashes and straw. As he tried to pick it up, it suddenly started shining with mint-green light, strangely matching the colour of the unicorn's skin. He put his hands away from it. It levitated in the air and landed on his head. He noticed the creature's horn was shining with the same hue, which made the whole scene even stranger.

Needless to say, the Chancellor had never felt as confused as at this particular moment. To make the matters worse, the unicorn spoke with a voice that could only belong to a rather young female, not older than in her twenties. ”I levitated it to you so you wouldn't have to pick it up. No need to thank me!”

Bismarck felt energy leave him as the situation which made no sense to begin with started to defy all the logic and science he knew. He believed his eyes and his ears, he believed all his senses – but this day was starting to make him doubt himself and his own judgement! Nether the French nor the Kaiser could perform such... sorcery, so he was convinced it couldn't be any of their schemes.

The pony started to come closer to him, with that strangely dreadful look still on her face. The German leader decided to simply stand in his place and carefully watch whatever the unicorn intended to do. Inside him was a turmoil of confusion with a hint of dread, but on outside he appeared, as always, perfectly calm. That was one of the benefits of being so involved in politics.

“After all this, you'll need all the energy for later, no need to waste it so... needlessly. Know what I mean?” she winked at him and giggled like a little schoolgirl. Bismarck simply nodded to pretend he had any idea what she was talking about. The German highly doubted that he wanted to know what she had meant anyway. The Chancellor suspected that he wouldn't like the answer to this question, so he decided to ignore this issue.

“Where are my manners? My name is Lyra, Lyra Heartstrings.” she held her hoof out. The Iron Chancellor thought he understood the gesture, but he wasn't sure if he wanted to accept it. After a moment of consideration and thinking how this whole goddamned situation made absolutely no sense, Bismarck shook her hoof.
“Ich bin... I'm Otto von Bismarck, the first Chancellor of Germany. I'm pleased to meet you.”

Thanks for McNeil for helping me with this fic and, by doing so, improving it tenfold.

Montezuma and the goddess

“And this, Otto, is exactly how I summoned you.” Lyra exclaimed happily, her eyes shining gleefully at the stoic German. After a second, she continued “It took nine failures and months of preparations! Let me tell you, it wasn't the easiest thing to do.”

The Chancellor pondered what he had learned from the Pony. Despite her being the very reason he was out of his world, he had to admit she was an interesting person, even if it was apparent that she was obsessed with completely strange, unusual ideas. Why summon a human to this seemingly perfect world? Why did it have to be him, of all the millions that inhabit the Earth? Those seemed to be the questions he wouldn't ever find an answer to.

Her determination was a trait he greatly admired, even if it was turned in the wrong direction. Lyra's personality indicated that she would either grow to be his best ally and friend, or the fiercest foe. Since she was a being capable of using powerful magics, he knew having her as an enemy would be foolish, to say the least. Bismarck watched her movements and listened to her carefully as she was being busy telling him everything about herself, the Ponyville and Equestria, all to decide what kind of approach should he use to not insult her in any way. He frankly didn't know what to expect from the Pony, as she was of completely different species and from another world. Lyra didn't behave that different compared to a human and seemed to react in similar ways, but he was confident there were some differences, not only the obvious ones in appearance, but also plenty in behaviour.

She uncorked the bottle of some liquid that somehow appeared in her hooves. Bismarck couldn't comprehend how she could perform that with a single digit and why she wouldn't just use her magic to do it in the first place, but he didn't dare question what he just saw. He'd had enough headaches for today. More unclear explanations were not what he desired at the moment.

“Heh, Otto, do you want to drink something? Maybe something... stronger? Know what I mean?” Lyra asked shyly. After a second, deep thought was evident on her face. “Erm, do humans even drink stuff? To sustain themselves? Do you even eat? I have a lot of both food and drink in my bags if you do. If you don't, that's also fine!”

The Iron Chancellor rolled his eyes. Being bombarded by such trivial questions certainly wasn't what he desired at the moment, but he needed to be courteous. Showing his annoyance would certainly help with nothing. “Yes, I'd appreciate some wine. Or beer. The stronger, the better. This...” he stopped his response to find a correct word which was neither vulgar nor offensive. “Rather unusual situation certainly calls for extreme measures....” he sighed. “...Of alcohol.”

Lyra held the now open bottle in front of the Chancellor. It took some consideration before he decided he was thirsty enough to accept the offer. He sniffed the drink and had to admit it smelled great, similar to a well-prepared beer. He took a careful sip and deemed it worthy of being drank by a human being. In fact, he loved the bitter taste of this alcohol. It took mere seconds for him to consume the whole bottle.

“Wunderbar!” he said, lost in thoughts. The Pony looked at him with surprise. “The taste of this beverage is wonderful.”

The mint-coloured unicorn grinned at him and gave him more of the liquid. “Why yes! It's made of the highest quality fruit only, I don't buy anything but the best. ” Lyra's horn shone and Bismarck noticed another bottle flying in her direction. She uncorked it, this time with magic, and drank it quickly. After few longer gulps, Lyra's face became serious and the unicorn looked in the Chancellor's eyes.

“To be honest, I'm surprised you're not...” it became apparent that she was thinking of what to say next. After a short while of slightly drunken consideration, she continued “You know, mad at me. For taking you from your world kinda without your permission.”

Bismarck smiled sadly while taking yet another bottle of the beverage into his hand. “I doubt I have many years left, and I lost most of my influence in the court. It hardly matters anymore where I am, so few are my days.” The German's face became sour. “I barely remember what I was doing before you summoned me... Who knows, this may be the afterlife!”

'Not to mention it would be senseless to blame one so innocent, especially when the gesture could only bring me an enemy.' he thought, but didn't speak his mind out.

Lyra blinked in shock and shook her head, as if trying to defend herself from the influence of the alcohol. Unfortunately, this kind of protection was ineffective. “Otto!” she shouted, “If your days are as few as you said... I'll ensure you enjoy every single moment you spend in Equestria!” the unicorn said looking very serious, despite hiccuping madly. Was he not influenced by the alcohol, the Chancellor wouldn't take these words for much, but in this state Bismarck appreciated the Pony's words and believed they were honest, genuine. The Chancellor felt an unusual warmth spreading its influence inside him, the friendship welcoming him in all its grace - he immediately knew that he could trust Lyra in all the possible ways.

“One bottle more, Bissy? I can call you that, right?” the unicorn asked, to which Bismarck simply nodded. It wasn't long before one flask changed into two, then into three. The Chancellor wanted some rest from the nonsense of the situation, and alcohol was perfect for that.

For the remainder of the night, he told her some details about himself. He recounted being in the Prussian diplomatic corps, he explained how he built the glory of Germany and the way in which he united it, changing a weak confederation of states into a powerful country, feared and respected in all of Europe, and how he fell from the grace of the Kaiser, losing his influence. He only omitted the details he deemed unnecessary for the Pony to know, especially the more... troubling ones.

Bismarck remarked that Lyra was a good and viable listener, even despite the state they both were in. She seemed enthralled by his story and the Iron Chancellor felt glad that her reception was positive. He noticed that her fascination with him and the humanity as a whole constantly grew and he gladly answered her questions, even the most ridiculous ones. In their drunken mirth, they laughed and rejoiced at the simplest situations. Lyra took the Pickelhaube from Bismarck's head and put it on her head – or rather tried to. Because of her horn it proved to be impossible, and she groaned in annoyance.

After a few minutes of further drunken adventures, they both fell soundly asleep, not even remotely aware of being observed by an omnipotent being – a chaos god, to be exact.

“Hah!” the draconequus laughed before emerging from the shadows. He found the whole situation hilarious, and he knew “helping” the unicorn during the ritual was a good choice. Discord sneakily closed in to the pair, not wanting to wake them up. The lord of chaos wasn't exactly sure why – after all, he could easily make them fall asleep again with his magic in case any of his attempts failed. Or, even better, he could've just teleported near them. Or he could've silenced his movements. Or... Well, the possibilities were nearly endless, but it was not in his nature to make sense. He bothered not about well thought out plans or doings, he just wanted to have fun. Unfortunately, some inexperienced younglings didn't appreciate an old man enjoying himself, but it wasn't about to stop Discord.

He touched Bismarck's head with his talon and looked into the German's mind, effectively connecting himself to the world human came from. He saw many things humanity accomplished – inside his head he saw tales and memories of glory combined with those of cruel deeds. While Discord was impressed by some of their accomplishments, he couldn't help but notice some troubling similiarities to Equestria. He shook his head, too lazy to think about the possible implications. Thinking about such stuff would be a good pastime for the Celestia, he wasn't about to waste his time by burdening himself with such a pointless chore.

'Interesting creatures, I have to admit!' he looked at the overweight, old German, who started shaking in his dream. 'That race is mostly despicable, but I don't care! If I got some of them here, they will surely wreak sime excellent chaos, especially with my little help!'

He inspected the human history again, and noticed plenty of figures whose appearance would improve the chaos in this soon-to-be-his-again world. One of them seemed particularly good for the current occasion, and he grinned when thinking of what the soon-to-be-summoned human could accomplish.

'Motecuhzoma... Moctezuma, Montezuma... Or whatever else they called him.' Discord smiled widely. 'This one will be a lot of fun around here! Now, where to summon the human...'

The draconequus stopped pondering for the moment, as something took his attention. He looked at the Pickelhaube, which probably fell off Lyra's head sometime earlier. Discord admired its shape and great design. Almost without consideration, he cast a powerful magic spell at it, enchanting it with chaotic powers. It floated in the air for a short time, before falling to the ground with a barely audible sound. The golden eagle mutated and grew horns, similar to the ones Discord had himself. Formerly proud wings of the bird deformed and while one grew in size, the other got significantly smaller.

Finally, he gave the helmet its own, new and chaotic conscience, along with some basic magic and enchantments, all to assure it would be a great chaos-wreaking toy.
'That will surprise that fatman, of that I'm absolutely sure.' he snickered, petting his gray goatee with his talon. After a while, he teleported somewhere else.

“Damned Ponyvillians!” a blue female unicorn with a silver mane yelled at her own reflection in the lake. Lacking an ear willing to listen to her complaints, she was forced to talk to herself. It was not a big surprise that her mirror was mostly a listener. “The wretched villains, not appreciating Trixie's greatness! Stealing my glory, my spotlight! You do understand Trixie?” to her surprise, the reflection didn't respond. “You do understand, yes? Yes? Do you agree with me?” she asked hopefully. Thinking her conversation partner needed more time to think of an answer, the unicorn decided to benevolently grant her a moment for consideration.

After a long pause, she looked at her reflection, expecting an answer. When none came, she hit the lake's mirror with her hoof. To her satisfaction, the image contorted on the water, only coming back to it's full glory a moment later. She smiled in glee, but her reflection did the same. Trixie froze in place, smile slowly disappearing from her face. It still remained on that other unicorn's face. The one in the water, looking just like her. It took her almost a minute to recover enough to force a meek answer, desperately trying to sound brave.

“Well, Trixie! Trixie will not accept no response as an answer! You should know, Trixie, that Trixie won't accept you mocking her with that vile grin of yours, of Trixie's!”

No matter what the magician tried, the grin wouldn't disappear from her reflection. It only got wider, showing off the razor sharp teeth. The eyes of the other her soon became but black holes in the lake, before it disappeared, vanished without a trace.
The fear finally took over her and she turned from the lake, trying to run. She immediately stopped as she saw more of the clones, six of them, all grinning at her, all with black holes instead of eyes. They were identical to her... And to her reflection.
When they started coming to her, Trixie began to back off in the direction of the lake. She levitated some rocks and threw them at her clones, but none of that seemed to slow them down. They seemed to bleed and the unicorn, having ascertained they can be hurt, tried to stone the illusive beings again. Black blood flew from their wounds in wide streams, but none of the clones backed down. They only started to walk faster, adamant in reaching her. To hurt her.

“Trixie! You were naughty, Trixie. Trixie is very dissapointed with Trixie's behaviour. Trixie thinks Trixie is an uptight, pathetic creature.” one of her clones said, her eye sockets turning red with every word spoken. Both of the standing out elements soon disappeared into darkness and the illusive figure fell and convulsed, before changing into black smoke and flying away.

“Trixie! Trixie won't accept this disloyalty to your ideals, to Equestria! Trixie won't forgive failures or weaknesses either, and Trixie is full of them,” the second one said, shaking with hate. It grew a pair of bat-like wings and jumped at the magician, but soon evaporated, leaving only traces of black liquid. Trixie was scared and her determination melted away. She started crying, helpless like a newborn foal – helpless against her own reflections. How could she ever hope for any kind of victory against beings which probably didn't exist anywhere else but in her very mind?

“Trixie!” another one of her reflections laughed, showing off her shark-like, blood-covered teeth. “Trixie doesn't approve Trixie not laughing, not smiling! Trixie will cut Trixie a nice smile with a knife, that will help!” As if trying to prove a point, it ran closer and a blade appeared in its
hoof. Before it reached the real unicorn, both the knife and the illusion melted, covering the magician in ink-like liquid.

“Trixie! Trixie doesn't like you. Trixie doesn't want Trixie to hate Trixie for this, though. Trixie is not Trixie, after all.” the fourth one exclaimed. Instead of coming closer, it spat in Trixie's direction before looking her in the panicked eyes, and after a short moment it disappeared
as well.

“Trixie! Trixie's lack of manners is a trait Trixie hates. Trixie's boastful character deserves naught but scorn!” the fifth one said, before turning her snout away from her in an uptight manner, as if the magician wasn't worthy of her attention and efforts. The clone trotted away, only doing a few steps before disappearing forever.

It was the sixth reflection that scared Trixie the most though. It smiled and said nothing, it merely observed her, the glare cutting into her flesh worse than a sharp dagger, its inquisitive nature stripping the showmare of all her dignity and remaining strength. The scorn of its stare broke her inside, and the magician merely waited for it's movement.

The last reflection's horn shone, taking the rest of the unicorn's resistance away. It charged at the scared Pony, a trail of darkness following her every movement. Just as the dark figure prepared to give the magician a finishing, powerful blow, it also vanished.

Trixie looked around and noticed no more of the... clones. Or illusions. Whatever they were, the things always gave her a scare. The worst part was she didn't even know if they were real or only in her mind! Was she insane? Was someone creating these things, haunting her for days in this endless, damned forest? There weren't many Ponies cruel enough to torture one for so long with such intensity! What kind of vile madman would have both the determination and sheer power to haunt her that much?

While Trixie realized that her being mentally ill was the most plausible option, she refused to accept it. Instead, she placed the blame on somepony else. Maybe it was some unknown jealous illusionist, or possibly it was the doing of that purple, good-for-nothing upstaging unicorn? Regardless of who was responsible for this horrible curse, the magician wanted it to stop. If she wasn't insane already, these damned clones would turn her into a drooling madmare soon enough.

Exhausted from the “battle” and thinking, Trixie sat in the lake. While she didn't feel like moving at the moment, it was mostly the fatigue that forced her to take a rest.

A thud sounded out nearby, scaring the showmare. The unicorn felt too tired and too scared to check its source, so she merely sat and waited. Trixie awaited what was possibly to come, if it was more of those things, those cruel illusions.

The deranged unicorn was soon approached by a creature of darkish skin, wearing jaguar-like furs and golden decorations. She looked at it with interest, and it did the same. On the top of the creature's small head was placed a sinister crown, adorned with countless feathers of many colours. In its hand was placed a primitive, small sword. After seeing freshly dried blood on it, Trixie knew the barbarian used the weapon frequently, probably for some nefarious deeds and murders.

The 'animal' had an aura that spoke of authority and... something else, which Trixie couldn't exactly place her hoof on. The bipedal being studied the unicorn and walked in circles around her, as if trying to evaluate her. As a target to attack, or something else? The showmare didn't know, but she was sure she would find out soon enough.

It soon became apparent to Trixie – the creature was probably preparing to attack her. It raised the blade in it's hand, aggression visible in his eyes.

“You, strange, blue and silver creature from this unknown place!” the human said out loud. Trixie looked in his eyes, surprised the thing could even talk. It seemed the creature was civilized to some extent, at least. “I, Montezuma, will sacrifice you for the gods! The bloodshed will surely grant me glory and prosperity both!”

The human charged at her, determined to kill and maim her, sacrifing her flesh for his bloodthirsty deities. “Shimikacan!” he yelled. “Die, inferior creature! Gods demand sacrifice!”

Trixie, however, was adamant in surviving the encounter. She had defended against the illusions for so long, this brute couldn't possibly stand a chance against her. What was a mere barbarian compared to the great and powerful Trixie, after all?

“No, foal,” Trixie mouthed through her clenched teeth, enraged. Montezuma stopped briefly, surprised that the thing could speak, but he decided to ignore it for the time being. “Shimikacan!” he yelled again, as if trying to reassure himself. His blade raised, he charged at Trixie with full speed.

“Witness my power!” Trixie shouted as she summoned illusions of creatures – an Ursa Major (or Minor, she cared not), a Manticore and more. The Aztec Emperor was both astounded and terrified by the demonstration, for he believed them to be true. Invisible, magical powers of the unicorn were throwing the warlord around the place like a puppet, and after mere seconds, he surrendered. He knew it would be completely foolish to defy a god and insult it further with any resistance.

He knelt before the godly unicorn, well aware of his insolence and thoughtlessness. Montezuma only hoped the idiocy he committed wouldn't cost him his life, for he still had great plans for the Aztecs.

“Forgive me, oh great goddess! I did something unforgivable, and for that I have no excuse, nothing but my ignorance!” he groveled, and his pleas satisfied Trixie greatly. She loved others admitting her greatness and begging her, appreciating her in a way she deserved. The unicorn felt as she always did after a well-done show, when the audience roared with appreciation and love.

She decided to play off the naivety of the barbarian. Only after few seconds of silence, which was supposed to plant the seeds of uncertainty and further fear inside the Aztec, she decided to continue the “show”.

“The great and powerful Trixie's godly greatness,” she started, referring to herself in third form again, “Can't be insulted or lessened by a pathetic being such as you. Trixie won't punish you... This time.” She glowed in a blue, mysterious shine, both terrifying the Aztec and impressing him greatly. Her showmare abilities proved to be of great use here, as the human looked at her with admiration and respect. “Fail Trixie again, show any disloyalty, and agony will be the only description of the remainder of your worthless days!”

Montezuma looked up at her from the ground, both respect and relief visible on his dirt-covered face. “Oh, godly Trixie! I shall worship you with all my strength! I shall sacrifice whomever and whatever you want in your great, glorious name!” Seeing he was allowed to, the Aztec stood up clumsily, full of religious fervour and dedication to the merciful, godly creature. “Oh mighty goddess, none shall stand against your might!”

Trixie smiled. She liked the creature despite the fact that it was obviously a primitive brute, she liked it for the appreciation. Montezuma may not have been too civilized, but at least he could see the greatness in her, unlike the Ponyvillians! In her eyes, he was fairly superior to them. “My dear Montezuma,” she spoke, “Your dedication and fervor pleases the great and powerful Trixie.”

Trixie Almighty

“No, no, for the final time no!” Trixie shouted at her “servant”, who stood adamant in front of her, a necklace made out of freshly collected bunny heads in his bloodied hands. Inside the magician, disgust mixed with compassion for those innocent, yet usually annoying rodents. She knew well that many animals and carnivorous races feasted on the minor critters, but why would anyone except an utter brute ever wear their body parts as a mere, worthless decoration? Especially heads, still filled with the little brains, dripping blood on the ground!

While he was faithful and loyal to the goddess, Montezuma just couldn't understand how a god could refuse a offeringof sacrifices. How else could he show his dedication, what else could he do to ensure the goddess wouldn't destroy him and all the Aztecs? “Trixie repeats yet again that she won't accept your... unusual gifts. She won't accept neither flesh of bunnies nor other humans, if any even exist.” a hint of disgust was visible on her face as the thoughts of deeds Montezuma could commit passed her mind. “And especially not of ponies! Keep the vile, bloodthirsty thoughts out of your head! You can eat the bunnies if you're a carnivore, but Trixie doesn't desire to contaminate herself with the meat of others, and would highly appreciate if you wouldn't eat the critters in front of her. That's not an appetizing sight, you know?”

“What else should I do to venerate you, oh goddess of this land?” he asked, wiggling the bunny heads. He hoped he hadn't insulted the unicorn in any way. It seemed his old ways of worship weren't appreciated in this world, as the blue goddess wouldn't accept any of his gifts. “What deeds should I commit to ensure you won't strike me or my people down?”

Trixie groaned in annoyance. It was very hard to get any kind of information to pass through Montezuma's skull, but despite his deeply rooted barbarian ways, he was the only one she could talk to. In fact, the human was probably the first person who spent more than a day with her. For some strange reasons, other Ponies could always quickly find excuses to leave the unicorn alone. While she initially tried to fix the situation, all her efforts resulted in either more hollow words of unfulfilled promises or ridicule, so she stopped.

Trixie found the Aztec's presence relieving, even if the showmare couldn't exactly call him a friend. Since he appeared, the unicorn hadn't had a single battle against her reflections, so she desired his companionship even more. It was as if his very presence protected her from the shadow which haunted her for so long, and the magician appreciated that. She quickly formed a calm response.
“As Trixie proclaimed so many times before, simply follow her. Listen to the orders she gives you, and don't disobey her...”

The Aztec seemed to finally understand. His adamant face assumed an expression of acceptance with only a little hint of disappointment. Saddened, he left for his tent to think of more ways to venerate her godhood. When the unicorn was sure the Aztec couldn't hear her, she whispered “...And most of all, don't leave Trixie alone.”
She hated her weakness. She managed to spend her whole life alone and it was just fine, why did it have to change now? Why did she feel more fulfilled with someone to listen to her rants? “It makes no sense,” she spoke to herself, “But it's better now, so why should I question it?”

“Glad to see a pony agreeing with me!” The pony heard a mysterious voice behind her.

Scared, Trixie quickly turned around to see the source of the noise. Surprised, the magician saw a creature which she thought only existed in mythology. It was a Draconequus, laying comfortably on a hammock, lazily drinking an empty glass, his muzzle inside it. To Trixie's surprise, his size was constantly decreasing. With terror, she realized he was filling the glass with himself. After a second, it was filled to the brim with Draconequusy goodness.

“If you have a problem with quenching thirst, then you need Discord!” he shouted. “Absolutely free! And if you take me within next minute, I'll throw in a garden statue inside Canterlot. It also presents my handsome greatness!”

With a loud snort, the god reverter back to his regular size, shattering the glass that was confining him. The whole senseless yet interesting action proved to be completely confusing.

“After all, wouldn't everything be better with a bit of chaos in it?” the god continued and stood up lazily from the hammock, stretching his arms. After he snapped his fingers, it transformed into a green, deformed mix of dragon and chicken. He sat on it, and it squeaked happily. “A tiny, itty-bitty drop of randomness is perfect to make life interesting! Everyone needs some chaos vegetables in the endless soup of boredom we call our existence! Unpredictability, my dear girl, is a great thing!”

“How dare you stalk Trixie and eavesdrop, you audacious thing?” Trixie asked, outraged by the Draconequus' behaviour and insolence. He have been be nearly omnipotent, but that didn't mean he could do whatever he pleased in her presence! “Explain yourself!”

The chaos god simply rolled his eyes and sneered at the pony. With yet another snap of his fingers, they both teleported to another location. Trixie suddenly felt cold. She looked around and realized that both her and Discord were on the top of a snow-covered mountain. Before Trixie could realize what was happening, the whole structure started falling apart.

After another snap they appeared in the middle of a forest. The trees weren't like any the magician has ever seen. Their trunks were massive and blue. Both fruit and leaves were replaced with candy canes. Trixie glanced at the Draconequus, looking for an answer. He simply looked at the trees with a wide smile, ignoring her confused stare. Annoyed, the magician decided it was the best time to ask the question.

“Why are you showing this to Trixie? What's the purpose?”

The Draconequus simply laughed. “I don't know, but it's certainly a different view than what we usually see, isn't it?”

Before Trixie could express how angry she was with Discord wasting her time, he snapped his fingers and teleported them to yet another location.

They were inside a temple which highly resembled those described in the Daring Do series. The whole hall was made of stone, plentiful nonsensical images chiseled in pretty much every block. Trixie looked around her, greatly impressed by the work. Suddenly, a paper card with strange inscriptions appeared in front of her. Before the showmare could see what was written on it, Discord snapped his hands and they were back to the Everfree Forest.

“Great adventure, wasn't it?” Discord spoke enthusiastically. Trixie merely groaned at the omnipotent, yet incredibly annoying creature. While the unicorn tried to control her anger due to the Draconequus not having done anything iniquitous yet, he was simply unbearable.

“Adventure? We merely stepped inside the places and came back after a second!”

The lord of chaos and disharmony nodded happily at her remark. “That was the point, my dear!” he laughed again. “Embracing new places and new solutions is of utmost importance, after all!”
After he snapped his fingers, a tub of ice cream appeared inside his hand, and another one wrapped itself around Trixie's hoof. She licked her lips. The ice cream was vanilla, her very favourite flavour.

Unable to control her desire to eat the fine sweet after weeks of small food rations, she quickly started devouring it, not caring about such a simple thing as etiquette.

Discord simply ate his tub as a whole, burping loudly after he consumed it, a trail of violet flame appearing from his long muzzle. Trixie felt “As you probably suspect, showing you some things isn't the sole reason for my appearance here.”

“That much was obvious,” Trixie mouthed, still eating the delicious sweet. The Draconequus smiled even wider.

“Yes, yes... Oh my omnipotent goddess.” Discord laughed as the magician almost choked. While she wasn't exactly surprised the god knew of Montezuma, it was just so sudden! She raised her head and looked into Draconequus' eyes. Both the smile and jolly behaviour disappeared instantly from his face, replaced by a businessman-like attitude. Trixie prepared herself for what was to come, as she knew that this meeting just got serious.

“Yes, I summoned him here. I thought you'd need some company...” he snorted in a successful attempt to stop himself from bursting into a merry laugh. ”Even if it is indeed a primitive one. After all these encounters with your own self, you obviously needed some well-meaning help!”

Trixie looked at him with rage. As she tried to shout at him for his trickery, the magician found herself unable to speak. She wanted to find out if he was responsible for the attacks of those terrifying clones, and everything suggested that it was the case!

“No, I didn't summon them. Nobody cursed you,” he sighed, as if he was disappointed with her outburst, and pointed his index finger at her. “Nobody but you and your rather questionable sanity is your enemy, my dear. I'm afraid your little mind didn't like being alone for so long,” Discord started shifting his shapes. For a second he appeared to be a pony with goat's beard, then into a human clad into in red clothes, before changing back to his Draconequus form. “I'm going to help you, however!”

When Trixie felt she could talk again, she didn't waste any moment before speaking her mind out.
“OBJECTION! If they do exist only in Trixie's mind, if she's truly insane,” she pointed her blue hoof at his face, confident she found a contradiction in what the god of chaos just said. “Then how do you know about them, huh?”

Discord started playing with his beard as he thought of a good response for that. After a few seconds of consideration, he thought up an answer. “You were kinda screaming about them during the attacks, weren't you?” a pair of sunglasses appeared in his hand and he put them on, their red edging greatly conflicting with his face.

Trixie wasn't that easily fooled, though. She roared at him, full of anger. Weeks of suffering and doubting her own self just because a stupid lord of chaos dared to torture her? “Trixie doesn't believe you, you mean, good-for-nothing illusion-sending foalish foal- ”

“I'm afraid it doesn't matter what 'Trixie' believes in,” he looked at her with both annoyance and mirth. As he snapped his fingers, a rope wrapped itself around her legs, constricting her movements. When she felt her connection to magic wavering, she knew she was completely helpless and at the mercy of the Draconequus.

“It would really be a great shame if someone told Montezuma you aren't a goddess while showing off magic much superior and godlike,” he smiled, noticing that Trixie flinched at the very thought. “...Or if he simply teleported back to his realm. You wouldn't like that, would you? Lost in a forest, all alone, hunted by your reflections and wild animals?” his tone became heavily mocking and full of dry irony and scorn. Trixie's fear started overtaking her as tears filled her eyes.“You wouldn't like that, would you?” he repeated.

She shook her head, which caused the Draconequus to free her of her constraints. “Yes... Trixie doesn't want it.”

“You have to do a simple thing then,” he said, “Simple, yet horrible!”

“What do you want me to do?” she asked, fearfully. The Draconequus stripped her of all her dignity, what else did he desire?
The lord of chaos looked at her very seriously, all the remains of his jolliness gone and forgotten. He teleported right in front of Trixie.

“To put it simply...” he burst into a hearty laugh, “I'll give you all my power for no reason whatsoever!” The Draconequus' maniacal cackle and sudden change in character confused Trixie, and his words made no sense to her, “By the way, I can't believe you actually believed I'd send some strange reflections against you, that's the best joke I've heard in eons! That's completely not my style, haha!”

Tears flew from his eyes as he gave a jolly laugh. The draconequus decided to explain why he thought it to be such a ridiculous idea.
“I did no such thing, dear! Why would I torment someone so much? I prefer quick jokes, almost instantly revealed!”

“Then how do you explain this? And,” she stopped, trying to clarify the 'all my power for free' thing, “Were you serious about giving Trixie all your power?”

“Yes, I was! And there's only one thing you have to do to get it!” The Draconequus laughed as he saw the hilarious bemusement on the showmare's face. Surprising ponies was always great fun for the lord of chaos. “And about the reflections, I had nothing to do with them, but I think I can explain it!”

“You merely fell on your head or ate a certain kind of flower, fluoris dramaisbestus was its name if I remember correctly?” he pondered for a moment, before continuing “Yes, yes, do you remember a certain green and black flower? Weeks ago?”

The magician nodded, still confused. What lies did the Draconequus try to tell her? Was it all but a cruel joke?

“Indeed,” Discord summoned a book. “Let me see...” he navigated through the book, until he found the desired page. He showed it to the astonished unicorn.

“Dramaisbestus is a flower which most ponies won't feel, for only a loner shall see it's its mean influence. The plant attacks the friendless and forces them to find companions. The greater the power of the loner, the fiercer its influence and the resolve to persuade them to find a friend.” Understanding appeared on Trixie's confused face. She still doubted the book which was possibly a mere illusion from made by Discord, but at the moment the showmare was more interested about omnipotence he offered her.

“I understand,” she hastily changed the topic, trying to get Discord's power and be done with it. “What do you want me to do for your power?”

The Draconequus laughed. “So much that it's in fact nothing!” after a glance from the unicorn, he clarified:. “Yes, you'll just get it for nothing. Just try and spread some chaos to cheer me up!”

“I'm an old man, bored of life, and I want to ensure chaos will be in this land. At the moment I only desire to go back to my statue in that nice garden and sleep.” boredom and fatigue were visible in his old, yet mischievously sparkling eyes. “So, the power is all yours! Congratulations!” He snapped his fingers and with that, he disappeared. Trixie felt a sudden surge of energy as the power formerly belonging to the lord of chaos started flowing through her veins. It felt better than anything the showmare had ever experienced, all the muscles in her body forced her to scream in delight. 'This is the greatest thing ever', she thought. The showmare felt various, minor changes happening to her body, but she didn't care. At the moment, the Pony felt like wreaking some pointless, wonderful chaos.

Surprised by the noise caused by her goddess, Montezuma came out of the tent. Trixie didn't know how he couldn't have heard her argument with Discord, but after a second she realized the Draconequus probably used some kind of a spell. Did it matter, anyway? She gained power unimaginable with so little effort. Nothing seemed out of her reach now, and the former showmare knew exactly how to utilize it best.

“Bear witness to Trixie's greatness, faithful Montezuma!” she shouted. “Tomorrow, we shall change Equestria for better!”

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

“Catch me if you can!” the pickelhaube hollered at its former owner. The German, completely annoyed by the chase, still tried to catch the enchanted headgear. He couldn't believe that during their drunken period, Lyra could've done such a thing! She didn't understand it herself and refused to acknowledge it as her own deed, but Bismarck knew otherwise. Who else could do it? Mentally, the Iron Chancellor wanted to never let the mint-green Pony drink alcohol again, but he knew they'd probably do it on the next possible occasion anyway. The situation called for it, after all!

“Nein! Komm hier!” Bismarck shouted, almost jumping at the levitating black helmet. The annoying chaos-causing piece of metal was trying to drive him to madness! “Come back here, you insolent headgear, or I...!”

“Or you what?” the pickelhaube asked. “Or you'll wear me after not using shampoo for a week? Truly, the dandruff will hurt me and my feelings...” the helmet said with mock fear, the eagle on its surface dancing, showing off it's newly mutated wings with pride. “Oh wait, you're balding anyway, and I can fly away whenever you bore me! Which is always, by the way.”

Just when Bismarck started to give up and finally deem the hat as a lost cause not worth any further effort, Lyra looked at the helmet disapprovingly. “Could you please come back to your place? That's completely, utterly mean.”

“Yes, ma'am!” the pickelhaube spoke, after which it teleported right on Bismarck's head with a loud puff. The old man was surprised. How could the pony accomplish what he tried with both force, shouting and his iron-fisted demeanor with two simple, disapproving sentences? It made no sense for the German.

The deformed chaos eagle danced on his black helmet. Lyra couldn't help but smile at the awkward motions of the golden figure. The bird winked at her.

Bismarck himself couldn't see the motion, but he knew well the pickelhaube was up to no good. That it managed to amuse Lyra with its vile movements felt like yet another failure for the Iron Chancellor, rubbed into his dignity like salt to a fresh wound.

A dead silence prevailed, neither the unicorn nor the German willing to break it. The helmet couldn't bear it, so it introduced itself properly. “My name is Pickelhaube by the way.”

“A pickelhaube named Pickelhaube? That's truly genius! What, did you think of it yourself? How could you get such a witty, imagination-stroking, fancy idea?” the Iron Chancellor spoke ironically to the headgear, exhaustion and annoyance visible on his old, wrinkled face. The helmet levitated a bit and magically created chocolate rain, covering the unfortunate German in it. While he tried to remain calm, being humiliated by a levitating, chaos-wreaking helmet in front of an obsessed, mint-green magical unicorn caused him a lot of mental pain. How could such a situation ever take place?

“Yup.” Pickelhaube responded, shining with all the colours of a rainbow.

Cake warfare

'That certainly is not how I imagined my final days to be' seemed to be thed most common thought to pass through Bismarck's head, along with 'am I insane or just mentally ill?'. There he was, the former German Chancellor, sitting on a pink chair in a girly, frilly 'summer residence' belonging to none other than a crazed and rich mint-green magical Unicorn. He was appreciating the sight of the room and enjoying the moments of relative silence and calm which, he knew well, were soon to pass.

The enchanted Pickelhaube, which appeared to be interested in nothing else but annoying him, rested on the diamond table, its deformed eagle shaking in its sleep. Bismarck sneered as he wished the insolent thing worst possible nightmares. After all its vile pranks and sorcerous antics which the Chancellor was helpless against, no friendly feelings remained towards the formerly loyal headgear.

Bismarck wondered about the changes in his life lately. Why couldn't everything go back to its former state? Why was he in the middle of this senseless, chaotic mess?

With a sigh, he looked around himself again. The comfort of this room pleased him greatly. Almost everything here was adorned with sparking diamonds and other valuable and fancy jewels. Various pointless decorations were visible practically everywhere he could see. It didn't take a genius to deduce Lyra was a very rich, money wasting Pony. In other words, she resembled a typical member of human high status nobility. Otto von Bismarck already knew she wasn't exactly poor as she told him some things about herself before, but he didn't expect to see such wealth.

Keeping all her fortune in mind, the German couldn't understand why the Unicorn didn't just hire someone to try and summon her a human instead of doing it herself. It would've spared her a lot of time and effort. He hardly cared for the reasons. It seemed her fortune was only matched by her eccentric determination and, possibly, her obsession with humans.

And there he sat, the retired German Chancellor, staring at pink and green rooms full of frilly goodness and various impractical yet pretty and fancy decorations.

“Look, Otto!” Lyra called out to the Iron Chancellor, who disinterestedly glanced in her direction. He noticed a giant, pink telescope she somehow managed to hold with her hooves. “I know you're nervous and skeptical about going to Ponyville, so I brought you a telescope to help you overcome your fears.”

Almost instantly, the Pony set the device up. When she started explaining to him how to use the telescope, he almost instantly cut her off. When the German assured her he knew how to use it, she left the house.

The beautiful village of Ponyville was truly a sight to behold. Wooden, yellow houses, adorned with pink decorations, slanted rooftops and enormous windows were the most common type of buildings. Despite similar colours, all the homes were of various heights and designs and so, not a pair was identical. Bismarck greatly admired the job Pony architects have done, as it doubtlessly required either great prowess and planning skills or horrendous amount of magic to construct so many different places to live.

In the back of his head, the Iron Chancellor wondered how the Ponies could've built any of these with their hooves, but then he remembered he has seen Lyra hold various things despite no logical explanation available. Also, there was always magic to help them. Either way, Bismarck greatly admired the job Pony architects have done, as it doubtlessly required great prowess and planning skills to construct so many different houses.

The builders certainly gave each one of these tiny, pastel coloured horses a sense of belonging and uniqueness, even if it all seemed to be completely false. According to both what the Iron Chancellor has seen through the telescope until now and Lyra's relations, barely anyone but few individuals stood out from the crowd and had any greater meanings. The rest did whatever everyone else did – which seemed to be nothing in particular. Despite the fact almost everyone did nothing, each one of the Ponies was well fed. This kingdom reeked of socialism, which Bismarck certainly didn't like. He hated this ideology as he knew well that sooner or later, giving-stuff-for-nothing will cause an economical collapse and bring doom upon whatever countries were foolish enough to accept it.

Logic, however, didn't work the usual way on this world. No one seemed sad or mad, and at the first glance 'everypony' was well-fed. According to the knowledge Lyra has enriched him with, the way the Royal Sisters ruled hasn't changed for thousands of years.

Bismarck couldn't imagine living that long himself and, frankly, he doubted he'd want to even if it was within his reach. He was already tired of life, especially with the obsessed mint-coloured Pony mage constantly pestering him. While he did like her, it seemed she couldn't understand how it felt to be old. He needed his goddamned rest, and the unicorn woke him up very early today. Also, her fascination was as much a curse as it was a charm. While the Iron Chancellor knew he could use it to his advantage later, at the moment it seemed to do nothing but annoy him. All of it irritated the Chancellor greatly.

Snarling because of his unfair fate, he looked at the Ponyville again. He saw a pink female Pony which definitely stood out from the crowd. Instead of walking, she jumped around merrily, probably singing some kind of song, talking with everyone and no one at the same time. It seemed most of her conversations were monologues, for the others merely nodded to her words, not paying her too much attention. When she turned her curly-maned head, Bismarck noticed that her eyes were blue. The pink one looked in his direction as if the Pony knew well that she was being watched. It's unpleasantly inquisitive glance made the Iron Chancellor feel a tingle on his back.

Filled with uncertainty, the German immediately turned his head away from the telescope, confident he has seen enough for the time being.

Feeling a presence behind him, Bismarck asked. “Lyra. Do you happen to know that pink Pony? What is her name?”

He turned around. To his surprise, Lyra wasn't there. It was the pink Pony she saw through the telescope. Hundreds of questions arose in his head. How could she have noticed the device from that distance? How is it possible for her to appear here so suddenly and quickly when according to Lyra only Unicorns and Alicorns had any sort of magic? There was obviously something he was missing here, but what? His thoughts were disrupted when the Pony spoke again.

“My name is Pinkie Pie!” she said in a voice. “Aaand you are? Who are you, huh?”

“Otto von Bismarck. I am-”

Before he could finish his sentence, the Pony pulled a strange looking cart from nowhere. She smashed it with her hoof and it opened up, a cheesy yet pleasant music coming out from it. The Pony stood up on her two hind legs, all her surroundings taking on her colour and apparently bending to her will. Bismarck watched the spectacle with amazement. After mere moments of silence on both sides, she started singing.

“Oh Otto, Otto, Otto!
What is your motto?
I don't see you smilin'!
You seem like a serious one, friend,
I don't see you smilin'!
Beware, all sadness, for I'm your end!”

“Oh Otto, Otto, Otto!
Leave the saddy-sad grotto!
I don't see you smilin',
So you've got it all wrong!
I don't see you smilin',
So grin and be strong!”

“Oh Otto, Otto, Otto!
I'll... uh...” the Pony stopped the music. “Make a risotto? Nah, doesn't sound too good. Why is your name so hard to rhyme with anything anyway? You Germans and your strange vobels... Or was it vowels? Maybe it's a verb? Or was it called a norb? Is this a pronoun? A noun? I bet Twilight would know, but she's not here. Not now, anyway. When I need another song to getcha to smile, she may appear from nowhere and maybe then she would explain-”

The Pony thought about all the possible solutions of her grammatical challenge, considering each one carefully and unable to come to any conclusion. While the German greatly enjoyed the performance, the words she spoke certainly seemed unusual to him. How did she know what country she was from? Why didn't she act surprised to meet a human? Was she, by any chance, insane?

Not wanting to get an even stronger headache, Bismarck dismissed all these thoughts. He betted that “magic” was the answer to all his questions, so why even bother asking them.

Bismarck grunted as he noticed that the annoying Pickelhaube had already woken up. Judging from the expression of its eagle, it saw the whole performance. It flew around Pinkie Pie. It was evident the helmet was very interested in the Pony.

“Any name is a proper noun. Even 'name' name.” the helmet explained to the Pony, smiling widely. Bismarck wondered how the hell the thing could know about anything like that, but he – as always – ascribed it to magic. “And I'm a pickelhaube. My name is Pickelhaube!” the black helmet shouted. “And I want a song too!”

“Wee, two new friends in one day!” Pinkie Pie rejoiced. She jumped around the room, great happiness evident both on her face and in her every movement. Bismarck couldn't help but smile at the overenthusiastic Pony girl, all his grumpy demeanor washing away in an instant..

With another hit from her hoof, the musical cart started playing a completely different music.

“TWITCHATWITCH!”

The Pony stopped the song abruptly and held her tail as if she was in a pain. Both Bismarck and the Pickelhaube looked at her in confusion. Almost instantly, Pinkie Pie explained.

“Twitchy tail, itchy back, itchy ear, twitchy left hoof, uncontrollably moving right hoof-”

The Pony gasped and jumped in the air. “An invasion! It's coming, people! Hide yo' candy, hide yo' cake!”

Without any further explanation, Pinkie Pie took the “welcome” cart with her and disappeared, leaving behind herself some candy and a trail of smoke. Almost as instantly as she left, the Pony came back. It looked around, picked up the sweets and disappeared.

“That was unexpected.” Bismarck said. The Pickelhaube's eagle simply nodded before leaving the house and chasing the pink Pony. Nothing pleased Iron Chancellor more to see the wretched headgear escape the building – it won't be able to annoy him anymore.

A thud took the attention of the German. He looked around to see at it's source, To his surprise, this time it wasn't the pink Pony but it was none other than Lyra.

“Bissy!” she shouted, waving her hooves in the air. It was more than apparent she tried to control her emotions, but failed at it miserably. She was jumping around almost as much as Bismarck's former visitor, Pinkie Pie, which annoyed the Chancellor greatly.“While being outside, I saw some strange things in the air. Couldn't see what they were, though, but they were certainly suspicious. We should totally use the telescope to see what they are and what they want!”

The Pony ran to the telescope and looked inside. After doing so, she became even giddier. Her truly ecstatic happiness was a surprise to the Chancellor. What could she have seen there, a parade of manly pegasi stallions? Both interested and fearful, Bismarck walked to the telescope and took a glance at what was happening outside.

What he saw, he would never forget 'til the end of his life. The German knew well that this image would haunt him forever

The sky was filled almost to the brim with strange flying monsters which seemed to be made up of parts of other creatures. Their limbs, wings and bodies seemed to be as random, chaotic and messy as possible. He saw a thing with the body of a cat, limbs of a bird and wings of a butterfly flying next to a mishmash of even more unusual things. It seemed to be an ice cream with a mean, deformed mouth which has replaced its wings with brooms, and it had random body parts sticking from basically every inch of its body.

While Bismarck really doubted that nature would've possibly made such... monstrosities herself and automatically explained the sight with magic, it wasn't the most disconcerting thing he saw.

No, the beasts were ridden. By none other but the Aztecs, – or, perhaps, some other primitive American tribe - each of them wearing some small, nefarious-looking pieces of clothing, each of them wielding a cake in their hands. A bloody cake, no weaponry! Did anything make any kind of sense in this world? Whatever the Aztecs were up to, Bismarck was more than sure they didn't work for any pie delivery company.

“Was?” the shock was too much for the Chancellor, who stammered near the telescope. It took him a few minutes to regain his composition before he spoke again. “What is this supposed to be?”

Bismarck looked yet again at the abnormal situation. He noticed that at the front of the flying charge were three giant, mutated and sinister Dragons – red, blue and yellow.

On the first one, which was placed on the left side, was an Aztec who had a very big piece of headwear, definitely the highest of all the other tribesmen. Besides that, he looked similar to the rest – he was almost naked and wore some tiny, intimidating clothing, as if he was trying to look as mean as possible from the very first moment. He instantly assumed this one was the leader, and the Chancellor knew he wouldn't be surprised if it was Montezuma himself.

The blue one which was on the very front, was ridden by a Pony of the same colour. It seemed to have both wings and a horn. In other words, it was an Alicorn, and Bismarck already knew that those creatures were considered to be gods in this universe, which made him feel even more uneasy. While the Chancellor couldn't exactly tell why and what, something felt fake about this creature. He was almost certain this Pony was the very leader of all those strange pie-fighting forces.

Who rode the yellow Dragon, though? The Iron Chancellor noticed that it was a well-clad human, so it was obvious he wasn't one of those uncivilized Aztec brutes. The person looked as if he was born around Renaissance or a similar era, and he sported a golden moustache. Bismarck adjusted the telescope to take a better look and, possibly, recognize the man.

He saw golden hair, experience and wisdom in his eyes, as well as courage... This could be only one person, one the Iron Chancellor had read a lot about. The situation simply broke all the boundaries of sanity as he realized it was Gustavus Adolphus, the Lion of the North, the most powerful and renowned Swedish king, incredibly skilled as both an economical and military leader.

“See it, Bissy?” the Unicorn smiled widely, still enjoying the sight. She gave out a jolly, slightly insane laugh. “Isn't it beautiful? So many humans! Imagine the possibilities, Otto! I wonder how they got here, but who cares? That's great, simply great! I'll meet so many of your friends!”

An army of Aztecs on some monsters was flying at the capital of her land, and she rejoiced? It made no sense. Bismarck deduced that the Unicorn obviously didn't know what they were dealing with, so the German felt it was more than necessary to educate her.

“I'm afraid that this appearance is not a reason to rejoice.” he said to the Pony. These simple words seemed to have worked well, as she stopped being overenthusiastic and ecstatic at the thought. After a moment of silence which Bismarck added to build a sense of expectation in the Pony, he finally continued.
“Those men on the strange beasts are the Aztecs. They are a bloodthirsty, cruel people. Mutilation and murder is what they're about, and they were known to sacrifice thousands of innocent men.” Lyra's eyes widened with realization. It seemed she started to realize, finally, that not all humans are good. “In other words, they are nothing but vile barbarians. The only thing I don't know is why those villains have no weapons. Instead, they have cake.”

To Bismarck's surprise, Lyra seemed terrified. She started shaking in fear.

“Gah, to throw it! They're going to attack Canterlot, they even brought their own cake!”

The Iron Chancellor remained calm, however. While everything seemed dire, there was simply no need for panic. “I'm sure your princesses will deal with the situation. This is two goddesses against one, and I bet that Equestria has an army to protect it against... the Aztecs. They're but a bunch of primitives, believe me! It's only a small negative factor that they're on giant, flying beasts.”

Despite his best attempts to calm the Pony down, Lyra seemed to only get more and more panicked. She looked inside the telescope again and seemed to follow the tracks of the vile Aztecs. “But Equestria has no army!”

Bismarck had to stop himself from laughing. That seemed too irrational to for him to comprehend. Rainbow ponies and magical unicorns was easy to understand, but a defenseless nation was completely impossible for him to comprehend. “What do you mean 'no army'? What kind of country has no army whatsoever? Surely you're joking.”

“No, I'm not! Well, aside for a few Guardponies, but they're mostly for show, not fighting. Not against an organized invasion, anyway,” the Unicorn explained, looking at the smaller and bigger dots in the sky which seemed to encircle Canterlot.

The Iron Chancellor lost all his hope in the victory of Ponies. He could understand they were a peaceful nation, but having no army was a recipe for disaster! What were those princesses thinking, did they want their country to fall? That was completely thoughtless. How were the monarchs so 'great', as the Ponies called them, if they made such a horrible, unforgivable mistake?

Bismarck couldn't tell without the telescope, which the Pony was currently using, but he could swear he saw some explosions near the castle. He quickly discarded the idea – Aztecs had no explosives, after all. 'It is not like they hid some magic inside the cake to make it burst upon contact with anything', the German thought. After a second of consideration, he realized that it was a sound theory. At least, compared to the standards of this insane realm.

After a few minutes of the Unicorn watching the situation, he noticed a grave expression of sadness on her face as she turned to him. It seemed apparent the Pony realized there was little to no hope at the moment.

“Do you think we can help somehow? You know, to stop these Aztecs?”

Her face began to sparkle with hope, which Bismarck deemed as both an endearing and foolish act. He calculated their chances and the situation seemed as grim as possible. He had no special powers, and while Lyra seemed impressive, he highly doubted she'd fare well against a Pony goddess and her minions. “I don't think the two of us have enough strength to beat that monstrous invasion.” the German sighed as he was about to crush all the hopes of the Pony. While he could tell her some lies, Bismarck knew it would do nothing good for her in the long run.

“I'm afraid that without an army it is simply impossible.”His lack of faith seemed to terrify Lyra as much as the Aztecs did. Bismarck didn't understand why the Pony believed in him and his judgment so much – she hasn't seen any proof of his skill, none except his words. The German appreciated it, however. The unusual trust he has been given was making him feel an appreciative warmness inside his heart.

“This situation is absurd!” Lyra ranted hopelessly. “I wanted some humans to be here, but not like this! It is completely absurd!”

“Exactly, it makes no sense! Brilliant, isn't it?” both the Pony and the German jumped, surprised by the sudden noise. With a loud thud, a mismatched creature appeared before their very eyes. While Bismarck was mainly confused, he noticed that Lyra seemed to despise the thing, whatever it was. Her nostrils widened and aggression was visible in both her posture and eyes. The Iron Chancellor was certain that whatever the Pony's reasons for that obvious hatred were, they weren't any minor things. Looking at her hate, he knew the unusual creature was not to be trusted.

“Discord! I bet you had something to do with those!” the Pony shouted, extending her hoof accusingly at the Draconequus. However, he only seemed amused by the implication.

“Maybe. Or maybe not!” he laughed. “Does it matter, anyway? You want to stop them, and only I can help!”
With a snap, a horde of candy canes appeared inside the room. Before anyone could even think of devouring them, they grew legs and ran outside the manor.

“What do you want? And why should I trust you?” Lyra responded.
Discord cleared his throat loudly before continuing. A meanly amused, distorted smile appeared on his old face.

“Let me tell you what happened first... I basically gave nearly unlimited power to one Unicorn Pony, and since I also gave her Montezuma, the Aztec Leader beforehand, she summoned her own army to invade Canterlot. She's trying to become the queen of this world.” he laughed again.

A horde of apple fritters appeared from nowhere and, similarly to candy canes, they also proved to be a deceitful treat. They all created small explosions almost instantly when falling on the ground. Bismarck instantly recognized them as the 'weapons' those vile barbarians used when charging on Canterlot. “Exploding cake and fritters, all changed so they won't kill anyone, stun at most. Strange idea and it almost has my feel to it, I absolutely love it!” strange, chaos-infected pride was clearly evident in the voice of the Draconequus. “The girl is truly beginning to become a force of chaotic nature! Quicker than I thought too, it's wondrous!”

Not letting the Draconequus confuse her with more and more of needless words, Lyra demanded her explanation. Discord ignored the Pony's words and turned to Bismarck instead. The Iron Chancellor could've sworn he saw a certain dose of disgust and sense of superiority in the creature's yellow and red eyes before it looked at Lyra again.

“Anyway, if you two want to save Equestria from what is to come, you have to use the Pickelhaube. It also has some of my power and creativity to it. It will be of great help, of that I'm sure. Now, I'm needed elsewhere!”

With a snap of its fingers, the creature was gone, leaving behind only confusion and uncertainty. A moment of silence dominated the room.

“Help of the Pickelhaube?” Bismarck said, disgusted. “How is this thing supposed to help us, by driving all the Aztecs to suicide with its wretched antics?”

The Pony didn't seem to be as skeptical as the German was. Apparently, Lyra tried to hold on to any hope she had, even to one brought by a hated Draconequus. “Now, now, Bissy. I'm sure there is more to Pickelhaube than mere pranks. We now have some chances, at least!”

“Yup, that's right!” the aforementioned helmet appeared inside the room. Bismarck grunted as he realized the damned thing probably overheard the whole discussion. “We're going to kick those Aztec arses back to the desert they came from!”

“Actually, they lived in jungles, not deserts.” the Iron Chancellor corrected, but no one seemed to pay any attention to such details.

Completely ignoring the information he was given, the Pickelhaube started gloating. The eagle already sang, as if they've already won this. “We're so gonna win this, you'll all see, both you and you, ma'am! It'll be easy as heck, I say!”

Through his entire life Bismarck never thought he'd encounter a situation such as this. Battling Frenchmen or angry and arrogant politicians was a normal thing for him, but fighting off an invasion of Aztecs on strange, mythical creatures, led by a Pony goddess, all with only the help of a pastel coloured Unicorn who had no fighting experience whatsoever and a chaotic Pickelhaube? It was impossible and absolutely insane.

“Nein.” Bismarck responded. “This is impossible, we can't beat a whole army alone! There is only three of us, and while I do have some experience about warfare, I'm devoid of any unusual powers. I'm afraid the situation is absolutely hopeless.”

The Pickelhaube simply laughed. “I'm sure we'll convince the Ponies and maybe other races around here to help us reclaim Canterlot! Also, I have an idea. A wonderful, awful idea!”

“And that idea is?” Bismarck asked, still skeptical. How could completely unexperienced, peace loving Ponies help in fighting against the Aztecs? How were Ponies, most of which had the mentalities of schoolgirls, assist in any kind of war? That seemed both unlikely and stupid to the Chancellor.

“We'll summon our own human army!” the Pickelhaube responded enthusiastically. “I'm going to start right now, riiiiiiight now!”

Before Bismarck could stop it from the deed, the helmet already started summoning. The Chancellor knew it would fail, after all Lyra needed all that pointless stuff to get him inside this senselessly cute, soon-to-be-ruined world. That annoying prankster wouldn't be able to do it so easily...

….Or would he?

The German was terrified as he saw a huge portal appearing in the middle of the room. It seemed the headgear would succeed at a summon, which Bismarck couldn't say he trusted. What if it created more Aztecs inside the room? Or something even worse? That would be a complete, utter disaster. After an uneasy moment, a human being appeared in it.

With a glance of his blue eyes, the man spoke.
“Who dares summon Harald Gormsson?”

Romantic Encunters - April Fools

"My Lyra, I wunt you in more ways than one. Lets maek out for noe reeson watsuevahr cuz it secky" - Beesrack said to the mint green Pony, bulshing pornfusely. She kisseed him in the moth. wiitch aroused boat greatly.

"HOW DARE YYOU SAMMON HARADL GROMSSON COLD BLUETOOTH JUST TO MAKE OUT IN FRONT OH HIM AND NOT INVITE HIM TO OGRY!" - the stawlart Nord shouted. Bismerk nodded cuz he saw saw the Denmark was correct cuz trhey thought Aztecs and to fight them off he apparent. Immoral would bde not let him joj in.

"You can join in" - Lyra suggested. - "THERES NEVER ENUGH HUMENS TO HAEV SECKS FOR." - the Pony admitted blushing cuz hse liked humans ore.

"But I wat Pinkie Pie cuz she hotst and bets pony" - Harald complied. He was sad. His hair was coverd in tears because he wanted Pinkie Pie so much. And Pinkie Pie apperd suddenly so he became happy agan.

"YAY LETS MAEK OUT ANXX THEN HAEV ALL TOGETHER SEXUL RELATIOnsGIP" Pinkie shouted. Everyone smiled cuz they thought the exact same thing.

TO BE CONTINUED

Oh and btw gays McNeil no longe proofreeds dis cuz I decided he no good edough. I met my love a guy on steem heis called XxPRO360noscopshootxX but it was former now he is XxPro360LUVDRAMASOMUCHHEDESU:DXx and he carreses my fanfic better. McNeil also tald me to stop fapping to Pinkie Pie witch is unforgivabl. Best nopy has best butt to fap nto good it meks no sense.

DAR IZT NIHT ACCETTABEL in words fo beesmark.