BOOM!
Once the light of friendship faded, nothing remained of Twilight Sparkle but a smoking black scorch mark…
And five VERY scared little ponies.
“…”
“…”
“…”
“…”
“… Did… did we just kill Twilight?”
With the nodding of four heads, Rainbow Dash confirmed that yes, they had indeed killed Twilight.
Their friend had been nuked dead through the power of friendship.
Clankclankclankclank!!
The sound of each and every necklace of harmony being thrown off in disgust.
“W-what have we done?!” wailed the now emotionally scarred Fluttershy as her tears began to flow.
“What should we do?!” hurriedly asked Applejack as she rushed towards a bookcase in the hopes finding something, anything that could be of use.
“Um… s-sing?” suggested the once again straight mane Pinkie Pie. “Its worked out well for us so far today! W-we killed out true true frien-”
Slap!
The sound of Applejack’s hoof smacking the pink mare across the face.
“None of that now, ya hear! No more songs! No more dancin’! We got to figure out what we’re goin’ do bout this!”
“I agree,” chimed Rarity. “We can’t let anypony know what has transpired here today! Not Celestia, not Luna, especially not Cadence or Shining Armor. And heaven forbid Spik- gasp! Where’s Spikey Wikey?!”
“U-um,” squeaked Fluttershy. “I-I think he said something about taking a bath.”
“On it” Rainbow Dash saluted right before zooming up the stairs. After a few seconds, the sound of Spike shouting “Hey! What are yo-” followed by a rather loud snap, filled the air.
All eyes fell on the cyan colored mare as she descended the staircase.
“Target neutralized,” she again reported with a salute.
Rarity stepped forward. “… Rainbow… d-did you just kill Spike?”
The mare blinked twice before looking down at her now blood drenched hooves.
“Um… I guess I did… huh… Must have been all the subliminal training I received at Wonderbolts camp…”
“They do that?” Rarity asked.
“Yup.”
With a facehoof, Applejack groaned. “Oh for the love of, don’t tell me that mah tax payer bits are going towards some kinda secret sleeper agent program.”
“No,” Rainbow Dash answered passingly. “They’re pretty up front about it. It was even in their brochure”
“Ah see… well horseapples! Now we’ve got two crimes to cover up!”
A small whimper suddenly left Fluttershy’s lips, causing all eyes to fall on her.
“U-um, actually, three… i-if that’s okay with you.”
“… What the hay are you talking about, sugarcube?”
“O-oh, well, you see back when I thought I was supposed to do Pinkie Pie’s job, I noticed right away that no matter what I did I wasn’t making anypony happy… so I started dabbling in drugs.”
Rarity blinked. “…Drugs?”
“Y-yes… and gambling so that I could afford said drugs.”
“Wha-”
“And the mob, so I could afford to feed my gambling habit which in turn fed my need to sell drugs… i-it seemed okay at the time…”
All four ponies gave each other a quick nervous glance.
Pinkie Pie, still trying desperately to remain perky, chuckled weakly as she said “W-well at least nopony got hur-”
“You may have noticed the Cake Family wasn’t in Sugarcube Corner today” Fluttershy interrupted meekly. “T-that was my fault… sorry… t-the twins are fine though!
“… I think…
“… I-I was going to ask for help on that after our song but then this happened a-a-and… sorry.”
Pinkie Pie remained quiet.
Applejack rubbed a hoof behind her head. “So, wait; ah heard drug possession, gambling debts, and mob debts… what’s the crime here? Did somepony find your stash or…?”
Fluttershy lifted her head up. “Oh… third degree pony slaughter,” she admitted quite casually.
“Shy, we all just committed that. That’s not a third thing,” reported Applejack.
“Oh, I’m talking about earlier,” Fluttershy elaborated. “Ms. Vinyl Scratch and I kinda sorta maybe got into a tiny bit of an argument over balloon animals and she may have gotten a tiny bit of a full on party cannon blast to the stomach, ripping her off her hooves and leaving a nasty white smear on the Cake’s kitchen walls.”
“…”
“…”
“…”
“…”
“… I’m sorry…”
“… Damn it all, Shy. Okay, so we’ve all got three crimes to cover up here,” Applejack reported grimly. “First thing’s first lets clean up this here mes-”
BOOM!
At the sound, the five frantic ponies jumped.
“W-what’s going on now?!” Rainbow Dash asked loudly.
Rarity rushed to the door in a ladylike fashion. “I think that came from outside!”
Opening the door, the ponies looked up at the sky and were greeted by what they considered to be the most horrific thing they had ever seen in their lives.
“Is… is that Twilight’s cutiemark?!” Fluttershy asked worriedly.
“Ah… ah think it is!”
“Whatever could it mean?”
“D-did Twilight have a Twilight signal installed recently or something?” Pinkie tried to joke weakly. “H-heh…”
“Wait…” Rainbow Dash suddenly commented. “Is it just me… or is that thing getting closer?!”
Indeed, the mark in the sky was getting closer to our worried ponies. After a few fearful seconds, the giant emblem landed on Equestrian terra firma and exploded outwards in a glorious display of light. Shielding their eyes, the five were taken aback as the force of the explosion threatened to take them off their hooves. Finally, once the light had faded, a pony stood stock still in the center of where the blast had taken place. Slowly but surely; Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy were surprisingly reunited with their faithful friend, Twilight Sparkle…
Pomf!
… But she was not how they remembered her. Magenta colored wings now adorned her sides. Twilight was no longer a unicorn; she was instead a majestic alicorn…
SNAP!
And then she was dead… again.
“Rainbow Dash!!” The four remaining ponies yelled angrily.
The cyan Pegasus blushed. “Oops, my bad.”
“…”
“… S-she startled me, alright?! I thought her ghost came back to haunt us or something!”
“So your first thought was to snap her neck,” Applejack deadpanned.
“No, it was to buck her in the head! Stupid Wonderbolts camp conditioning…”
“Well I’m not angry at ya, sugarcube,” the farm pony explained. “No telling what was about to happen to us. Can’t trust alicorns, after all. Let’s get her body inside before somepony notic-”
“That’s because she is a princess~”
All eyes went skywards towards the descending princess of the sun. Her eyes were closed and her smile serene as she went through her mental list of things to say. All the wondrous things her student was about to experience, and how she would take her friends along for the ride… Celestia had everything planned out.
Then she opened her eyes.
“…”
“…”
“…”
“… Cinnamon Bun?” Pinkie Pie offered meekly.
Celestia groaned.
“Buck me sideways,” she cursed. “Well I hope you’re happy, my little dip@#$%s! I just wasted half of your tax money on a princess coronation celebration and on a new pretty pink princess chariot… but now I’ve got no princess! Somepony is getting princess-ified today whether they like it or not, so whose it going to be!?”
The five ponies glanced nervously at each other.
***^***
Stepping forward, Celestia flared her wings out and spoke loudly to the packed church before her. “Ponies of Equestria,” she began. “It is with great pleasure that I present to you your newest highly marketable princess!
“I give you… Princess Big Mac!”
The red, dress wearing stallion couldn’t be any happier if he tried. A single tear fell across his chiseled muzzle, ruining his mascara.
“E-eeyup! -Sniff-”
Taking a step back, allowing the wing and horned stallion to come forward, Celestia pulled out and took a swig from her hidden hip flask. She savored the smooth yet harsh taste.
“Eeyup indeed, my friend. -Gulp- Ahhh… Eeyup indeed.”
