The first day of my new life
Dear…
I don’t know what to say. I used to write letters to my mentor, Celestia. She’s still my teacher, and she will always be. But not in the same way than before.
And this letter is not for her. No… This letter is for me.
Dear Twilight, I should say then.
Dear Twilight…
There are some things that aren’t meant to be said. The best love stories are the ones that aren’t meant to be told. The best moments in life are the quiet, the private ones. The best friendships are the ones that you can’t explain.
The most important thoughts are those you can’t share.
One of the first lessons I learned is the one about trusting your friends. Friendship can’t be described with any word other than “magical”, for this our language is not able to explain, to fully describe that marvelous feeling. Of course, you can use metaphors. A metaphor is the excuse, the cheap trick a poet uses when the words fail him. They can be beautiful, but they aren’t right.
I once read that friendship is like a river. Powerful and delicate, ageless but always changing. When it dies, it dies quietly and you can’t even be sure it was there on the first place. But when it’s strong, then it can move absolutely everything. Try to mess with the river and you’ll be drown. Try to move it, you will fail. It can be gentle and rough, depending on the situation. And no matter when, where or how are you looking at it: it’s beautiful.
It’s an interesting description. Powerful words, written by a pony who sure knew what he was talking about. But they aren’t enough. To fully understand friendship, you need to experience it.
And once you’re friends with somepony, once you have a real friend, you know you can trust her across seas and earth, you know it doesn’t matter the situation because she will be there for you. You may disappoint her. You may annoy her. She may be angry with you. But in the end, a true friendship will prevail.
Trust your friends. Such an easy lesson, right? But it’s way more important than most ponies would even think. What does “trust” means? It means to stop hiding, to show yourself as you really are.
Once ago, a travelling magician came to Ponyville. Her name was Trixie, and she named herself the Great and Powerful. She talked about magical wonders, marvelous spells and impossible feats. She told stories of glory and fame, of courage and wisdom. She talked about herself.
And my friends hated her for that.
That day, I learned you can be proud of who you are. But boasting is just plain rude. Ponies don’t like boasters.
I can understand that. It’s easy to see why ponies act the way they do when they see a boaster. If you say that you’re better than the others, then you’re also saying that they’re worse than you.
But it’s not so simple. When you think about a boaster, you think about somepony that is actually lying, or at least exaggerating. But what can you do when your entire life shows you that you have the right, that you almost have the duty to boast?
I know it doesn’t sound right. Or even worse, I know that it might sound right, and that scares me. Because that means that you haven’t understood me at all.
I’m not talking about my life as Celestia’s protégé, I’m not talking about my role as the Element of Magic. I’m talking about my potential. About the things I can do, and the things I could do if I tried.
I remember the first Winter Wrap Up I stayed in Ponyville. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t do anything at first. And everything came out as a disaster. Then, I took part, and everything went okay.
I saved the day.
I remember the day Discord took Equestria and conquered it all in less than twenty minutes. I remember all my friends falling. I remember the Princess trying to make me understand what I needed to do. It worked.
I saved the day. Again.
I remember the day I almost went tardy with my friendship report. I remember how Celestia herself was needed to stop the madness I have caused.
Thad day I didn’t saved the day. But there’s the thing: Ponyville transformed into a battlefield, and it was my fault. Nopony was able to stop me but the Princess of the Sun herself.
When a pony says that she feels superior, the first thing we do is despise her. It’s only natural. It doesn’t matter if she’s clearly better than us: the exact moment a clever pony says “I’m cleverer than you”, the exact moment you start to think she’s not a good pony at all.
I know that, and I know that I’m not better than anypony.
But I am.
It’s… hard to explain this, even if I’m talking to myself. Sometimes I try to think about all those times that I failed. Speaking about my first Winter Wrap Up in Ponyville again, I tried to make a nest and I ended up creating an abomination of nature. Rarity was clearly superior than me in that field of knowledge. Twilight Sparkle was not good at creating nests.
Until the day I actually read a guide about how to make nests. Then, I became one of the best nests-makers of the entire city.
I remember when Trixie returned and defeated me in a magic duel. I was worse than her. Until we discovered that she had a magical amulet that allowed her to do impossible things, and even with that, I won at the end of the day. Trixie had an artifact of ultimate power. I had a rhyming zebra.
Every time. Every time it seems like I’m defeated, I end saving the day one way or another. And when I’m defeated for real and any other pony out there saves the day for me, I know it was all because of me. I could have stopped Chrysalis’ invasion from the start, because I knew she was not Cadence. And let’s not talk about Nightmare Moon’s return.
It’s not a pleasant thing. Since I was a child, I’ve had the feeling that I’m clearly superior than the others. And it’s horrible. Because I’m a egoistic, pretentious pony. I’m a horrible person. I’m no better than the others, I’m smart and that’s all.
But that’s not enough. The guilt… the guilt can not be spoken. It’s heavy. It’s so heavy. I can’t look at my friends’ eyes, I can’t be in love with another pony, I can’t praise anypony without feeling like a hypocrite.
Always, I’m always thinking about how better I am. Or how better I could be. Sure, Rainbow Dash is faster than me. But if I had wings, if I had trained as much as her, I would be far better.
Sure, Rarity and Fluttershy are better at making dresses than me. But if I had spent my entire life doing that, I would be better.
Pinkie Pie knows how to cook, Applejack knows how to deal with a farm. It doesn’t matter.
I feel, I know, that I could be better. I’m completely sure.
And every night, I feel like I don’t deserve to be in this world, because I’m a selfish hypocrite who considers that her true friends are mere… commons. That she’s better than them all. I know they would forgive me if they knew the truth.
But that’s because they couldn’t understand.
I think I’m better. That’s it. I can’t deny that. I always try to find an excuse, I always come up with facts that show me that I am, in fact, just a regular unicorn. But it doesn’t matter, because I still feel superior. I just know it.
Guilt.
So much guilt.
And then, the irony. Today I woke up thinking that it was going to be a good day. And you can be sure, it was. I’ve become an alicorn. I’m a Princess.
Princess Twilight.
Today, Celestia herself bowed. She fell down her knees before me. She said that I had learned, that I was ready.
I don’t think so.
Before my transformation, I was always trying to eliminate my superiority complex. But what can I do now? What should I do? Now I have a physical proof that shows me that I am, in fact, clearly superior. Even Celestia herself bowed before me.
But I won’t let the truth destroy my life. All this years I’ve been scared, I’ve been trying to show myself that I am just like any other pony out there. Today I can see that it’s useless. I am better. I am alone.
If I said the truth, my friends would hate me.
So I’ll hide it. It doesn’t matter how I feel, it doesn’t matter if I become a hypocrite. Better to be a hypocrite than a selfish boaster. I will act like nothing happened, like if those purple wings on my back weren’t nothing.
Tomorrow is the first day of my new life.
A life of lies, a life of hypocrisy, a life created by words that can’t be spoken and feelings that can’t be felt. A life made of guilt and shame.
So hold yourself, Princess Twilight. And rest well. You’ll need it.
Yours truly:
Twilight Sparkle
Author's Note
Quick fic, written in less than 15 minutes after seeing the season 3 finale. Hope it's not entirelly crap.
