The Adventures of Billybob the Butt Bandit

by DancesWithBaglez

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Adventure, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Romance, Braeburn, Spike, Comedy, King Sombra
Length: 8436

Billybob the Butt Bandit comes to Ponyville to plunder the plentiful plots of the populous of ponies while fighting the evil forces of King Sombrero and his army of Ass Ninjas.

Billybob the Butt Bandit: a name feared and respected by many. Through his many journeys and quests in the old west, he has stolen hearts and bombarded many bodacious booties. Now, he must journey to the magical land of Equestria through a conveniently placed portal to save the land and his sidekick, Larry the Lubricant. Little does Billybob know, however, that King Sombrero, the dastardly Mexican Crystal King, seeks revenge on the ponies who ended his reign, and with his army of Ass Ninjas, Billybob may never find that which he seeks.

The Adventures of Billybob the Butt Bandit™ will leave you so astounded, so brain dead, and so viciously aroused, that no mere masturbatory technique known by mortal man will quench your carnal desires.

(Not to be taken in the smallest amount of seriousness. This fic, though it may promise to due so, does not treat or eliminate terminal diseases, acne, social awkwardness, euphoria or blunt-force trauma)

Published 2014-07-21 02:00:05 UTC
Last updated 2016-11-19 01:57:31 UTC

Intro: The Legend is Legendary

There once was a booty so great and so phat, that any and all who beheld it wished only to tap dat. 'Twas no ordinary booty, this ass was cash, over the possession of this treasure, many nations did clash. Only one soul, a heart of pure funkaliciousness, can tame the mighty beast and give it the business.

Billybob read over the text once more before returning the scrap of paper to his hat and placing it upon his head. It had been so long ago, he thought, since his mother had entrusted him with the paper said to tell of The Great Booty. As a Butt Bandit, it was his mission and his mission alone to seek The Great Booty and give it "the business."

"How long, Larry? How long must we search these plains in hope of one day finding that which we seek?" asked Billybob so sexaliously, that the very gods themselves would explode - which they did.

"I am unsure, Billybob. Oh, how I am unsure."

"Well, seeing as you are a giant bottle of lubricant, I would assume that you would be unsure by default, seeing as you also have no brain." It was true. Larry the Lubricant had no brain, for he was only what his name implied: lube. Billybob was unsure of just what manner of black magic allowed him to speak, but as long as he had a portable supply of endless lube, what was there to think about?

The land stretching out before seemed as barren as their pants, not a brothel to be seen; dirt, tumbleweeds, and cacti serving as their only company.

"So...where to today, Billybob?"

The man in question dusted off his Confederate army coat and felt at his long, swagly beard. "Hmm. Perhaps we should investigate that blue swirling vortex over yonder that seems to be absorbing everything near it."

Larry looked doubtful. "I ain't to sure about that, sir. It's just another portal."

"Portals aren't as commonplace as they used to be, Larry." It was then that an idea popped into Billybob's sexy and brilliant mind. What could be on the other side of that portal? Could it be The Great Booty? Would his decision advance the plot of the story? He pondered and pondered and pondered some more.

"Billybob, we got trouble!"

His companion's voice snapped the Butt Bandit from his trance, causing him to turn and look at the desperadoes approaching on a pair of jackasses. Billybob was not necessarily afraid of the approaching humans; he could easily take them out with his massive, throbbing, frighteningly long whip. What he was nervous about, though, were the asses the men rode. Such majestic creatures, he thought. Their bodies like normal horses and their faces like that of a man's ass. Such beauty and grace. Hopefully they have not been trained to kill with anything but kindness.

"Howdy, Billybob," shouted one of the men as their asses came to a stop, "we heard 'bout you and yer lookin' fer The Great Booty. That true?"

Before Larry the Lubricant could say that it wasn't true like a bitch, Billybob chuckled a sexy chuckle. "Indeed it is, you infidels. What do you recon on doing about it?"

The other ass-mounted man drew his pistol and pointed it at Billybob's gorgeous hat. "I recon I'll put a hole in that of yers before I put a hole in yer friend."

"Billybob, let's not get into this right now. Let's just-"

"Fill your hands you sons of  bitches!" With that, Billybob drew his own pistol and, as quick as a minuteman, fired twice, once at each attacker. For a moment, there was only silence, the sound of gunfire echoing through the plains. Then, both men fell from their asses onto the dusty ground, a used condom on each of their faces.

"N-nice shot, as always," said Larry.

"I know," replied Billybob, holstering his weapon, "my trusty Magnum XXL ain't ever let me down." He tipped his hat at the two slain asshats and turned to Larry only to find the blue vortex had swallowed his friend. A great howling bellowed from the blue behemoth before him, pulling everything around him into itself. He only smirked. "Looks like I'll have to find out where this goes whether I want to or not." With that, the force of the vortex sucked the sexy beast inside, turning his world to darkness.

Light. Faint at first, then slowly overtaking the pitch clouding Billybob's vision. Such brilliance...such majesty... he thought to himself, can only belong to one thing...

"Billybob the Butt Bandit!" A voice of cashmere-smooth elegance rang in Billybob's ears. From the newly-colored void, a figure stepped forward into his field of view. The mere sight of her beauty brought him to his knees; her wafting stardust mane and tail contrasted with her surroundings, while her pearl white coat nearly blended in with the space behind her. "I know that which you seek."

"Yes, oh strange ass. I seek-"

"Wait, what?" The creature's tone shifted dramatically from the one Billybob had heard previously. "Wh-what did you call me?"

Returning to his feet, Billybob adjusted his hat in slight irritation. "That is what you are, correct? An ass? You certainly look the part except for the whole talking thing."

The presumed-ass brought a gilded hoof to her muzzle. Why must they always be so difficult? "Okay, let's try again," -she regained placed her hoof back on the invisible ground - "I am Princes Celestia, ruler of the land of Equestria. From what I've been informed, you seek The Great Booty, yes?"

Billybob struck a sexy pose, his entire being radiating pure swagly swagger. "Indeed I do, Princess Ass-without-an-ass-for-a-face. I'm sure you're as delighted to see me as every other ass in the universe."

"I..." Celestia's eye twitched. Delighted is the *last** word I'd use right now.* However, looking upon the human before her, she sighed. He may be... unpleasant to be with, but that's what you were told to expect, right? After all, he is our only hope. Summoning every sliver of patience remaining in her, Celestia spoke again. "Now, the reason I brought you here is because -"

"You posses The Great Booty! That has to be it!"

Before Celestia could respond or react, Billybob had her hoisted in the air by her plot, his gloved hands grasping at her plump, squeezable cheeks. Holding the ass of the ass higher, he brought the heavenly skin to his (face) cheek, humming quizzically as he studied the properties of the butt cheeks against him. Knocking the posterior a few times, he observed the jiggle and sound created.

While Billybob deliberated if he had found The Great Booty, Celestia deliberated whether or not she should strike down the human where he stood. Deciding it wouldn't be in the best of judgement, she reluctantly decided against it.

"Are...are you quite done?" Celestia asked, her face burning crimson. She was answered when Billybob released her booty from his grasp, causing her to fall to the figurative floor.

"I am... it is not The Great Booty," said Billybob solemnly, looking off in a dramatic fashion as to gain the sympathy of the reader.

"See here!" snapped Celestia, still flustered from being a subject of study. Oh, that was a bit much. Tone it back a bit, even if he doesn't deserve it. She took a deep, ragged breath before continuing. "Look, I need you to come to my land and stop an evil force that threatens my subjects' very existence. You're the only one that can help. Will you?"

"Hmm, I don't know," the human snickered, "what's in it for me?"

"If you assist me, I will show you where The Great Booty is located. Deal?"

"Deal!"

"Good... now if you could just look off over there for a minute." She pointed behind Billybob.

He complied, turning to find that he was still looking into an endless white plain. "I don't see anyth -" He was interrupted by a pair of hooves hitting him square in the ass, sending him flying. Instead of hitting any sort of ground, he kept falling, falling without cease.

Looking after the human, Celestia let out an aggravated huff. "If he's our last hope... we're so screwed."

"I'm going out for a bit, Spike. Don't burn the tree down while I'm gone," Twilight called into the doorway of the library.

"No promises," replied her dragon slave assistant.

With a giggle, Twilight took her leave. "Hmm, now let's see," she said to herself, thinking over what she would have to accomplish that day. Looking up to the sky, she saw that it was, yet again, another stereotypically wonderful day in the land of Equestria; her mentor's sun held its place in the sky, the birds chirped like annoying bitches, and the squirrels continued to wage their drug wars. "Yep... another great day... as usual."

Before Twilight looked back to the ground, a glint of something in the air caught her eye: a small grey dot, growing in size. She squinted, trying to get a better look at the gradually-growing object.

"Wait, that's not a dot... it's a thingy!" she exclaimed despite nopony having the energy to acknowledge her ramblings yet - it was too early for that headache, after all.

Before Twilight knew what hit her, the "thingy" hit her with the force of a man who had been ass-kicked out of the sky by a princess. When the dust cleared, she tried to get up only to find something buried in her plot. Upon looking back, she saw the face of a strange creature stuck in her butt checks.

"Oh no! Oh dear! Don't worry, thingy! I'll get you out!"

Regaining consciousness, Billybob found his gorgeous face encompassed by something also gorgeous but not quite as gorgeous: an ass.

Let the adventure begin, he thought.

Chapter 1: Colorful Asses

Twilight ran about the streets of Ponyville, flailing her flippity floppity arms like one of those super sexy inflatable tube people. "Help! I've got a thingy in my plot! Get it out!"

As Twilight passed by Sugarcube Corner, Pinkie Pie looked out at her friend, still not fully awake and holding a gallon jug of black coffee. "Ugh. Goddammit, Twilight, not now," she groaned, "It's too early for this." The next thing she knew, Twilight burst through the wall of her shop and began wreaking havoc on the interior. "So... it's gonna be one of those days, huh?" Preparing for whatever else may be thrown at her in the next five minutes, she grabbed another gallon jug of coffee and downed both at the same time - followed by a pitcher of espresso, just in time for Twilight to exit through a separate section of wall.

While Twilight was mimicking the dance of the enslaved inflatable people, all Billybob could do was remain trapped in the purple bootylicious booty. Every stone, every woodland creature, and every drunk pony lying on the ground seemed to have some sort of target lock on his crotch as he was drug by the ass's ass. Every impact against him left him less likely to carry on the Butt Bandit legacy through means of reproduction. The pain may have been a minor factor, but the whole legacy thing was more of an issue.

"Wait a minute," said Twilight, coming to a screeching halt. This action, however, ended up dislodging the thingy from her butt and flinging him into the air. Not aware that her plot was now vacant, she brought a hoof to her chin to ponder how one could remove a thingy from their plot. Let's see... how did Shining Armor do it? He's had more thingies in his plot than any pony I know, but if I could just remember what he told me...

Meanwhile, Billybob was falling from the sky to his inevitable death. Broken alcohol bottles, spikes, flames, a drunk flaming thorny tiger, and an ogre dotted his landing zone. Why such things existed in Ponyville, the author will never tell you.

"Well, I guess this is it. Goodbye cruel world!" Raising a middle finger to the air, Billybob continued, "You always managed to piss me off!"

Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash was conveniently flying in the direction of Billybob. Due to her lack of concentration skills (ADHD), she didn't realize that there was a thingy falling from the sky in front of her.

"And then I said, 'Liquor? I hardly know her,'" she said to herself, desperately wishing she had someone else to talk to. Oh, how she wished she had a friend to talk to...

"Hey Rainbow Dash!" Twilight shouted to her flying friend.

Oh, how Rainbow Dash wished she had a friend to talk to. Just ignore her, Rainbow. You're not ready for that yet, today.

"Rainbow Dash! Hey! Hey Rainbow Dash, hey! Watch out for the falling thingy!"

"Goddammit, Twilight, not now. You can tell me all about your thingy problems later. Preferably after I've taken my pills. I me-" she was cut off when she collided with a grey-coated thingy in mid air. Both she and the thingy came crashing into the ground on Twilight's butt which bounced them into the assortment of sharp and painful objects whose origin the author will not explain.

After an uneventful cleanup of the hazardous hazards, Rainbow Dash turned to the creature she collided with. "What's your problem, man? You can't just fall out of the sky like that! There's a designated day for that, ya know!"

"Oh really? Well it just so happens that I also have a designated day for my activities - namely ass kicking," replied the thingy, despite his name actually being Billybob the Butt Bandit unbeknownst to the ponies. After checking his wrist watch, he continued. "Oh look, that day happens to be today." Pulling out his Magnum XXL, he pointed the barrel between the presumed ass's eyes. "Say your prayers, ya flying ass!"

With reflexes like a spaz, Rainbow Dash grabbed hold of Twilight and shielded herself with her, pointing her friend's horn at the thingy. "Get back! I'm not afraid to use this thing!"

"Enough!" Twilight shouted, flailing her limbs like she did only paragraphs before. Unlike the previous times she took on the attributes of tube person, the others listened. "Okay. Now, before you both go trigger happy on each other, let's take a moment to think: will killing really help you figure out just what the hell is going on right now?"

There was a brief pause before both Rainbow Dash and the thingy replied simultaneously: "Maybe."

Twilight facehooved. "I - okay." She turned to the bipedal creature. "Who are you and what are you doing here?"

In a super swagly manner, he readjusted his hat. "The name's Billybob the Butt Bandit. I'm surprised that you both were unaware of who I am until now."

"Never heard of you. You from around here?"

"No, actually. I came from the sky where some white ass with a real bitchy attitude kicked me off a cloud," Billybob replied, attempting to mask that his ego had been trampled by not being recognized.

"Hmm. Rarity can't fly and Rainbow Dash isn't white, so I'm assuming the culprit was Princess Celestia. Is that fair to say?"

Billybob looked astonished. "Well I'll be. You're pretty smart for an ass. I shall name you Smart Ass." He patted Twilight on the head. Though he didn't notice, Twilight was not pleased.

"Another thing: we're not asses. We're ponies."

"I mean, we have asses, but that doesn't mean that we are our asses," Rainbow Dash added.

Billybob huffed. "Ah, tomato, tomaho, potato, potahto, Candy Ass."

"C-Candy ass?"

"Yes. Your bright colors in the butt area remind me of wonderful sugary goodness, therefore, you shall be Candy Ass." He patted Rainbow Dash's head much like he had Twilight's.

This guy's really getting on my nerves, Twilight thought. Although, something about him just seems... right. Is this the one Celestia has chosen to save us from the Great Stereotypically Powerful Evil?

"As a matter of fact, yes!" shouted Celestia from the clouds. "I know he may be a bit... well, to be blunt, a dick - and maybe just a bit moist - but he's all we have to defeat the Great Stereotypically Powerful Evil."

Before Twilight answered back, a thought came to her. "Wait, how did you know I was thinking that? Are... are you able to read my thoughts?"

Celestia did not answer, for she had taken her leave to do princess-y things that a princess-y princess would do in a princessly manner of princessliness.

"Boy, Bitch Ass sure is a strange one."

"Hey, can you not?" asked Rainbow Dash, attempting to exemplify her lesbian intimidation and reasoning skills. This, however, provided no end to Billybob since he knew not what a lesbian was.

"Nah, I'm afraid that I shall and continue, Candy Ass."

Rainbow Dash, as usual, was going to exemplify her talents in bitching, when she caught sight of Billybob not-so-discretely eyeing her nether region. "Um... can I help you, dude?"

"Oh, yeah, no, just checking to see if you possessed The Great Booty."

Giving this thought, Rainbow Dash pointlessly pondered. What was The Great Booty? It wasn't like she could look back a chapter in the fanfiction she was a part of and discover for herself. Could she be the one to posses such an epic-sounding thing?

"Do I have a great booty?" she asked curiously, blushing a bit in a cliched, cute manner.

"What booty?" Billybob replied.

This oversight of the power of her derriere proved so upsetting to Rainbow Dash that she did nothing but stand there. When Twilight asked if she was okay, she said she was fine all while continuing to not be fine. Quite the vicious cycle.

Noticing a tear rolling down Rainbow's cheek like a boss, Billybob froze. "Wait a minute... are you crying?"

"N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-noooooooooooooooo..." she whimpered, clearly crying.

"There's no crying... there's no crying in baseball!" said Billybob, obviously quoting A League of Their Own for no reason other than to quote A League of Their Own in an only semi-applicable scene because, as we all know, none of the characters play baseball in this fic. I should know - I'm writing this shit.

Suddenly, Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie appeared because who needs transitions?

"Goodness me dahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhling, what ever is with all the ruckus?" asked Rarity, minutely adjusting her hair despite it looking no different than any other time she adjusted it in the time it took to write this sentence.

"Rarity, I swear to god - not Celestia, god - if you say anything about the ravenous lesbian sex we had last night messin' up yer hair, my accent will only get stronger and stronger to the point where nobody'll be able to read anything I say." With the abbreviation of certain words, the reader could tell Applejack was speaking.

"W-well... w-why did nobody give me the memo?" Fluttershy whispered so quietly that everyone could hear her, but decided to ignore her.

"Fluttershy, I'm afraid I don't have time for memos, the ravenous lesbian sex I had last night with Applejack messed up my hair in a way no common pony would notice. I must remedy the situation."

"Ah fer Pete sake, Rarity! Now ain't the tahm fer y'all tuh tell them 'bout our love makin'!"

Confused by the spectacle unfolding before him, Billybob leaned over and whispered to Twilight: "What's with Hard Ass over there? Why'd her accent get stronger?"

"She's allergic to bitching. She resets to her regular voice every night, but she can only take so much bitching in a day, and with Rarity around, we're lucky we were able to get that sentence out of her."

Despite the mass of dialogue with little action, Pinkie Pie decided to give her two cents. "I'm sorry guys. I can't do this today - you're going to have to have this adventure without me. Not even all that caffeine was enough to help me deal with Twilight and these other assholes. You guys have fun... I'm going back to bed." With that, a sleepy-eyed Pinkie teleported home, leaving the mane si - I mean, five to await the next chapter when they'll finally figure out what the hell is going on.

"Wait, why can't you do that now?" Billybob asked the sky.

The only sounds to be heard was the breathing of the rag-tag team, the typing of a computer, and Rainbow "Candy Ass" Dash crying despite this being baseball (where there is no crying).

Chapter 2: Exposition or What the Hell is Going On?

"So... does anyone know what the hell is going on?" Billybob asked the posse of ponies before him. From the looks he received, they knew about as much as he did or the poor sap who was reading this. Offended by the cheap shot, the reader grew skeptical of whether to keep reading. After realizing they had nothing better to do other than fantasize about plundering the very plots now within Billybob's reach, they decided against rage-quitting. Moving onward through this thingy, the reader thought, is the only thing I have left. Given that the majority were bronies, this was probably true.

"Wait a minute," Twilight interjected, "what's a 'bro-knee'?"

Celestia's voice echoed in her mind: It's best that none of you know. Trust me. Why do you think I have seventeen locks on my door and windows.

Suddenly, Luna's voice also came into Twilight's head: They climin' in yo window, snatchin' yo ponies up. Try'na inappropriately touch'em so y'all need ta hide yo childs, hide yo mares -

Luna, what are you doing in here? Celestia's voice asked, irritated by her sister's gangsterly swag.

I just thought I'd drop by since you were having telepathic phone sex with Twilight. Why don't you ever invite me to these things, anymore?

Okay, both of you need to leave, please, thought Twilight.

Did somepony say telepathic phone sex? asked Cadence's voice, adding another member to the supposed sex party.

Why do you three always insist on having these conversations in my mind? Can't you just talk in a place that isn't my head?

Oh, but where's the fun in that? asked Discord, slithering his noddle-y self into the conversation like a snake-shaped noodle... or a noodle-shaped snake, I don't know.

"Ah!" Twilight screamed out loud, "all of you get the flippy flock out of my brain!" Opening her eyes, she noticed her friends staring at her, most likely wondering why they haven't had her checked out by the local witch doctor.

"Anyway..." Billybob said after an uncomfortably long silence, "maybe we should try to, I don't know, figure out just what the hell is going on. I mean, it says so in the title of the chapter, we may as well get to it."

"Billybob is correct," stated Celestia, appearing next to the group of confused asses and dick.

"Oh hey, it's Bitch Ass!" Billybob took Celestia's hoof and gave her a gangersterlicious handshake. It was gangsterlicious. It was "G" to the "A" to the "N, G, S, T, E, R", and ain't no other dude got as much funky swagness as that handshake he gave... um... har.

Celestia chuckled nervously, both from the sheer power of gangsterness contained in Billybob's greeting and the fact that her hoof now smelled like a water-based lubricant. Not that she hadn't smelled it before, given her thousands of years of kinky, sexy stuff, but perhaps it was because she hadn't expected to be exposed to such a substance without her Sex-Wings™, courtesy of Flaccid Fish Incorporated™™©. With that piece of shameless advertising taken care of, she could now keep Equestria's dangerously unstable economy afloat for the rest of the day. "I would prefer if you would not refer to me as that, please," she said calmly, trying to mask the irritation still lingering from her last encounter with the strange man.

Pondering this, Billybob "hmmed" annoyingly. Then, as if the author told him to think of it, an idea came to him. "You seem to be taller than all of the other asses, so how about I call you Big Mama," he said, extensively emphasizing the word "big".

"Close enough," Celestia responded with a sigh.

She does that a lot.

"No I don't."

Don't listen to her, she kind of does.

Angrily glaring to the sky, Celestia raised her middle finger. "Some day, author... some day." Realizing that she was losing the attention of her underlings, she cleared her throat and tried again without sighing. "Sorry about that. Anyway, I assume you all wish to know why this human is here and why he is unlike the... other humans that have come before." She cringed thinking of the Great War fought against the hordes and hordes of mouth-breathing, fedora-clad, unshaven, euphoric marauders that captured half of the country's population and took them to the distant mountain caves. None of the captured citizens have ever been seen again, but it is assumed that they are all at least mildly uncomfortable and crusty; for what reason, Celestia rejoiced in that fact that she did not know.

Celesia's horn glowed a faint yellow, and with it, came a telescope appearing out of thin air. "Look," she said, "over there, towards the Crystal Empire."

Billybob looked through the glass, and the sight he saw took his very breath away. There, in the hoof of a very stylish black unicorn wearing a sombrero, lay a tray of tacos. Such taco-y tacos he had never seen before in all his days. Tacos fit for a swaglord as swagly as himself.

"That is King Sombrero, the Mexican Crystal King. Isn't he horrible?"

Billybob looked up from the telescope. "King who, now? All I saw were tacos."

Summoning the power of the flailing-arm people, Celestia groaned. "So he already has possession of the Tacos of Doom. Wonderful..." She appeared as though she were about to go off on an uninteresting tangent, but she restrained herself and sighed (See? There it is, again!). "He's already retaken the Crystal Empire and, given that he now has the Tacos of Doom, it may not be long before he and his ass ninjas launch a raid on Canterlot."

"Ass ninjas?" asked Twilight, puzzled. She approached the telescope and, upon looking through, wished that she hadn't. Surrounding King Sombrero were several asses with legs clad in black latex suits. "Oh lordy! How did he get asses with legs on his side?"

Before Celestia could explain, Billybob interrupted and stole her thunder. "Because he possesses the Great Booty."

"And because of this," Celestia added, "we must stop him at all costs. He has already used up a living bottle of lubricant to strengthen his army, but soon he-"

"Living bottle of lubricant?!" exclaimed Billybob dramatically. As quick as your father in bed, he looked through the telescope once more. Behind King Sombrero's throne and his ass ninjas, there stood Larry the Lubricant, nailed to a dildo shaped like a lower-case "t". At the mention of such a letter, the jimmies of an entire people rustled softly throughout the land; the Lower-case letter tribe had been angered.

"Larry the Lubricant, I..." Billybob faltered. He fell back on his sexy ass and internally mourned the loss of his friend and only source of intimacy-oriented liquids. "He was my... my f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-friend and stuff... I need a hug!"

Fluttershy, being the kindest of the bunch, trotted over and embraced the weird western guy.

"Don't touch me!" Billybob grabbed Fluttershy by the butt and chucked her at Celestia, knocking her over. "Hey, nice catch, Big Mama." Once again, he heavily emphasized the "big" part. Don't ask; maybe Celestia just had big tits or something, I don't know.

"I certainly do not have big tits!" Realizing her less-than-private admittance of not being well endowed in the mammary department, Celestia blushed. "S-sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me, today."

It's okay, Princess," Twilight said with a nervous smile, doubting the sanity of her mentor more than usual, "we get the gist. You want us to go to the Crystal Empire, vanquish King Sombrero, kick his ass ninja's asses, take his crystal meth - I mean, dispose of his crystal meth by giving it to you, and regain the Great Booty. Yes?"

"That is correct, my student," replied Celestia. "You and your friedns go there and I'll see to it that this man is returned to his ho-"

"No!" roared a smexy dude named Billybob that you already know. "I will not leave... not yet. They used up Larry the Lubricant, and for that, I cannot rest until that Mexican king guy is also used up." He drew several used condoms from the front of his pants and loaded his Magnum XXL. "Mess with the best, you die like the rest!"

"Um... did you, um... steal that from, um... Duke Nukem?" asked Fluttershy, using "um" many more times than is necessary.

Billybob knelt down and leaned in towards Fluttershy, his swagly mustache only an inch away from her virgin pony mouth lips. "No," he whispered sexily, "he stole it from me."

Fluttershy squeed, because she does that. A nervous sweat trickled down her forehead, her (face) cheeks flushed, and she looked away from Billybob who was still most likely invading her personal space. An epicly awkward silence fell over the group - Billybob still only an inch away from making out with Fluttershy and the pony in question hoping that he would and wouldn't make out with her at the same time.

"Anyway," said Billybob, standing up and patting Fluttershy on the snout, "shall we depart?"

"Not yet," Celestia replied before disappearing with a technological-sounding bweep. In her place a few seconds later, Spike appeared, the same sound heralding his arrival. A red, Rambo-style headband adorned his head and a mini M60 machine gun sat in his claw-hand-things.

"Let's kick some ass!" he said in a totally badass way.

Rarity swooned and fainted onto Applejack. I guess she was bisexual. If you're looking for answers, I don't have them, buddy. I'm sorry.

Suddenly, a thought came to Billybob. "Wait a minute! If we're going up against ass ninjas, we'll need more than a little kickass dragon, some asses with jewelry, and a sexy man as powerful as myself. We'll need - " he paused for dramatic effect " - a Booty Warrior."

Twilight's eyes widened. "Did you say a Booty Woarrior?"

"That is indeed what I said, Smart Ass. A Booty Warrior."

"I know exactly where we can find one, y'all," said Applejack.

Twilight's eyes widened again, nearly about to fall out of her head. "You don't mean..."

"Oh ah mean, sugartit." Applejack pointed towards the train station that was conveniently next to where they were all standing. "To Appleloosa! Away!"

Chapter 3: How the Bro-pony guys stole Christmas (Celestia's undergarments)

'Twas a few days before that one holiday that gets you to buy things, and all up in that place, your favorite swaglord was trying to get to first base.

No, not in baseball, you fool. Are you truly that dumb? Is the School for Special Children where all bronies come from? Stop crying, I did not mean to offend; to cause such pain in your ass I did not intend. All that was said is that you're special, like a snowflake or some crap. Finding that your only two joys in life are to watch ponies and fap.

"What's going on?" asked Billybob to his friends. "What's with that stuff above us? Is the writer at it, again?"

"I'm afraid so," replied Twilight, rolling her eyes. She does that a lot, so get used to it, guys.

"You all should probably stop rhyming," said Celestia with the grace of a manatee. "Before you go, I need help. Someone stole my panaties!"

Billybob felt the urge to correct her by stating that she meant "panties" instead of "panaties", but it was then that he realized that it was for the sake of rhyme, and that a diddly-duck must not be given. Besides, the rhyming seemed to have mysteriously stopped. It was as if the writer had just said, "I ain't gonna rhyme this shit for a whole flip-flopping chapter" to himself and ceased the activity. Needless to say, there was much internal rejoicing.

"Who do you think stole them?" asked Twilight. She was answered by Celestia grabbing her face and bringing it close to her's as if to tell her in a discreet manner that her non-existent fly was down. The position was not necessarily a comfortable one, but she appreciated her mentor taking the time out of her not-as-busy-as-she-would-have-one-believe schedule to perhaps tell her if her Vatican City was exposed.

"I know exactly who took them..."

"Who?" asked Owlowiscious. He flippity-flapped his way over to the group, hoping to also go on a swagtastic adventure.

Spike, seeing his ultimate rival stepping all up on his turf, felt the sudden urge to get medieval on his feathery ass. "I'm gonna get medieval on your ass!" he shouted, stating what the writer had previously said. He aimed his little M60 at Owlowiscious and fired. His target danced about, hoo-hooing all the while. It appeared as though the bullets were hitting their mark, but each time a bullet reached the owl, a "shtk" sound could be heard and little markers consisting of four short lines in a circling pattern appeared and immediately disappeared afterwards. The air was filled with "shtk"s until, finally, Spike ran out of ammo. The mere words of the writer could not describe the rage of that little purple dude.

"Freaking hitmarkers!" he cried, tossing his weapon at Rarity. To his dismay, the gun connected with Rarity's rumpalicious booty. A yellow "+100" appeared on her body and, much like the hitmarker, vanished as quickly as it had shown up.

Rarity died. Yeah... she sort of just died. Don't ask me how; I mean, Spike was packing. It was like an M60, but small enough for you to handle. Hey... hey... you don't need to cry.

Regardless, Rarity lay dead, the trauma she suffered in her ass region proving too much even for her marshmallow-y texture. Everyone remained where they were, staring at the fabulous body on the ground. They weren't entirely sure why her face resembled that of a pony who had just experienced the overwhelming euphoria of receiving an enema as a gift for Valentine's Day from herself, but they decided not to question it. That is, everyone besides Celestia chose not to question anything.

"Oh my Me... those bastards have no balls."

"Balls?" asked Applejack, "what do balls have to do with Spike no-scoping Rarity?"

Celestia got all up in Applejack's face, breathing heavily in the manner that a watcher of Japanese cartoons would. "It has everything to do with Spike no-scoping Rarity," she whispered. Turning her attention to Spike, she picked up the little dragon dude by the tail, looking deep into his eyes. Little fedoras danced about with cannabis leaves within the deepest depths of Spike's pupils. "Good gravy!" Celestia dropped Spike to the ground.

"What is it?" Rainbow Dash asked lesbian-ly.

"I'm afraid that Spike has come down with" - Celestia shuddered - "euphoria."

A collective gasp came from the remaining ponies, human guy, and unconscious dragon. "Euphoria?!" they exclaimed in unison.

"Yes. Euphoria. I'm afraid that I am not the only one who has been targeted by those demons." She picked Spike up again, gently stroking his scales with her more-than-likely dirty hoof.

"Who exactly are you talking about?" asked Twilight.

Celestia sighed. She wished not to involve her little ponies in her ongoing war with the monsters she mentioned. It was her job to deal with such a threatening force, after all. She was a princess, and princesses dealt with that kind of diplomatic shit. This, however, had been proving to be more than a match, even for her bitching skills.

All of the ponies lost to them, she thought. Why must my favorite ponies now be dragged into this mess?

"Bronies," Celestia finally uttered flatly.

"Pardon my language, Big Mama," Billybob said, "but what in the ever-loving name of the great Overlord Vladimir Lenin is a 'bro-knee'?"

Prepared for such a question, Celestia turned her horn down for what and produced a diagram in the air with her magic. The depiction showed a middle-aged human - but this representation no where near matched that of a normal homo(sexual) sapien. His figure, especially in the stomach region, carried enough excess fat to satisfy every starving child in literally every Third World country. An unkempt mass of facial hair adorned his neck region into his multiple chins. On his freakishly large hands, the residual dust from Doritos™ and Cheetos™ accompanied by the leftover stickiness of what was either Mountain Dew™ or Liquid Shame™™® created an unsightly combination. The most horrifying facet of this creature, however, was not its squinted, horny eyes or the tacky shirt depicting Fluttershy in a position worthy of a much higher quality Mature rated fanfiction; it was the hat he wore; such an ugly, classless, disgusting, vile, putrid, evil hat that no decent person would ever deserve the suffering of wearing such an Allah-awful thing.

Rarity came back to life, vomited at the sight of the monstrous beast - mostly at its face and filthy hat - and died again. The reader wondered why nobody in the story gave a rat's ass about the miracle that just occurred with Rarity, but he realized that he was reading The Adventures of Billybob the Butt Bandit™, so he stopped.

"It's awful!" cried Twilight.

"Horrible!" wailed Flutterthing.

"Terrible!" shrieked Lesbian Dash, literally crying.

"Why, that thing's uglier than my mamma's corpse!" shouted Applejack louder than she should have.

"Wonderful!" exclaimed Flash Sentry, who died only a second after due to an unfortunate, unexpected heart attack. Nopony mourned, for nopony knew who the hell he was.

Suddenly, there was a booming laugh the made everypony in the surrounding area (all six of them if Billyboob was included) cringe with fear. "Prepare your anuses, ladies!"

A forceful gust of wind whipped past the ponies, accompanied by a flash of blinding light. When their sight returned and their manes stopped flailing in the wind, they all looked to behold the sight before them. There stood - much to their horror - a human similar to the "brony" shown to them previously. The same jackass-ly hat sat atop his greasy, longer-than-necessary hair that failed to completely conceal his acne-riddled face. A shirt depicting a mare with unnaturally large tits (Tit-anics, if you will) barely covered his massive stomach. From his trench coat down to his finger-less gloves, crusty black pants, and MLP FiM™™ shoes, the man didn't look like he swung by to give a hearty hello to the protagonists.

Billybob drew his Magnum XXL and pointed it at the stranger. "Just who the hell do you think you are, boy? Some kinda sideshow attraction?"

"Fufufufu," the stranger laughed, "don't make me laugh. A pleb like yourself could never comprehend the sheer magnitude of my superiority. You are nothing more than another bug beneath my shoe." From within his trench coat, he drew a katana as long as he was tall. "These poor ladies have been taken captive by, from the looks of it, a joke of a villain. I am here to rescue them from your devious clutches!"

"And just what kind of rescue involves taking my panties?!" Celestia bitched.

The stranger-ninja-trench coat guy scoffed. "I simply took the favor that you would surely give me after I rescued you. I knew you'd appreciate my heralding actions to such an extent that you would offer your undergarments to me as an act of gratitude."

A single used condom whizzed past the strangers head. He gasped, looking towards the source. Billybob's weapon sat smoking in his hand, despite the obvious health risks that came with such an addictive behavior.

"I've had just about enough of your gabbin', you slick slimy son of a sick soul-sucking psychopathic shadowy shitlord," Billybob seethed, pulling back the hammer on his Magnum for another shot.

"Hmph. I deal with buffoons like yourself all the time on the Internet. The outcome will be no different, here."

The wind kicked up, creating a cool whipping effect with the two guys' clothes. A storm was brewing - a storm that would probably wait until the next chapter to erupt. Nothing could ruin the tension between the two formidable forces about to square off and the reader waiting eagerly for the next update of the fanfiction.

Rarity ejaculated.

Chapter the Next One: The Battle of the Battle of the Battle

The time had come. The two biggest loser humans to ever enter Horseland would square off in a battle for supreme-

"I'm not a loser, you hater!" the brony cried. Swinging his sword all unexperienced-like, he lunged at Billybob, only to trip over his untied shoelaces. Damn my amazing fashion features, he thought.

"Mr. Brony Guy Person," Billybob said swagily, "on this day, you shall be sent to meet our Lord and Savior Ronald Reagan." He pointed the Magnum XXL at the brony's head. "Prepare to die."

A stereotypical anime laugh came from the fatass, the kind of anime laugh the protagonist utters when they know that things will go their way because they're truly Japanese and their opponent isn't. "Fool," he said in a way that was hard to take seriously unless the reader was a total weeb, "you have no idea who you're messing with, do you?"

"Why don't you fill me in, Sunshine?"

Rising, Brownie Man flashed his confident smirk to Billybob. "I'm like no opponent you've ever faced. Every anime I've ever watched and every pony I've fapped to has prepared me for this moment. The moment I prove myself to my waifus." He winked at Celestia and the less important ponies. "I cannot let you steal what is rightfully mine."

In the blink of an eye, the brony disappeared.

"What in tarnation?" Billybob asked, looking frantically for the loser.

"I'm not a loser!" the brony screamed, reappearing behind Billybob and swinging his katana. Before he struck, a massive white object struck him, knocking him to the ground. He struggled under the object's weight until he saw the purple mane and tail. "Rarity?" he asked, his arousal rising due to the presence of one of his waifus, despite her being a corpse.

"Good shot!" said Pinkster, smacking Applejack's ass.

"I'm just glad she wasn't alive to see that. I'd get such an earful," Applejack replied, her blood pressure lowering due to Rarity's absence.

"It matters not," David Brony scoffed. He tossed Rarity's body away, sending her flying into orbit where surely she would collide with the moon. "Now, where were we?"

Billbob couldn't have prepared himself for the brony's speed. How can such a fatass move so fast? he thought. He fired several condoms towards the charging idiot, though none hit their marks.

"You'll need more than used condoms to defeat me!" With his spare hand, brown-stain-man reached into his trenchcoat pocket and threw the contents at Billybob.

A thick cloud of orange dust  surrounded Billibob, choking and blinding him. "Arg, I'm choking and I'm blinded!"

"Baka," said brony dude with a snicker, "anata wa watashi o taosu koto o kitai suru koto wa dekimasen!"

"The power of Google translate is strong in him," Celestia whispered. Though she had never seen its power unleashed in Horseplace, she had heard tales of lazy teenagers who would use it as a substitute for actually learning a language with disastrous results.

Billbob, smelling the brony's stench through the cheesy-nacho dust cloud, grabbed a bottle of lube from his other holster as quick as your parents dumping you on the streets after looking through your porn collection. He gave the bottle a mighty squeeze, praying to Reagan that he'd hit something.

"My eyes!" screamed the brony, falling down next to Billybob, his hands covering his eyes.

Ballyboop laughed a swagly laugh. "Game over, partner."

The brony smirked. "You know, if this was silicone-based, you might have actually beaten me. However" - he stood and looked Billybob in the nose - "this is water-based. I've built up an immunity to getting watery lube in my eyes, baka."

"Your eyes still look like shit, though," Billybob remarked, his comparison completely justified.

A little four-corner angry-anime-character thing appeared on the brony's head. "Grr, after I defeat this guy, I'm coming after you, writer!"

"Oh shit! Billybob, you better not screw this up!" said the writer, scared out of his mind.

Instead of continuing the fight, Billybob stopped to think. "Wait a minute, if you're writing this as I'm speaking, can't you just write me some super powers or something - or better yet - can't you just write this guy out of the story? This whole process is starting to feel needlessly complicated."

"I'm a writer, not a miracle worker."

"Eh, beggars can't be choosers, I guess."

"Are you going to keep making small talk with that reprobate in the sky or are you going to meet your doom?" whined the brony guy.

"Bring it on, ya shitposting pansy!"

For dramatic effect, both combatants were placed a good distance from each other so they could run towards each other all cool-like. Huge black bars appeared at the top and bottom of the screen to not only impair the viewers vision, but to also enhance what little suspense there was in the moment.

"Take this!" From his trenchcoat, the brony pulled out several plastic masks, all with the same funky mustache-beard combos. "Feel the Internet Revolution!" The masks flew towards Billybob like little shuriken things from a ninja anime.

Used condoms from the Magnum XXL took down every mask before they could reach Bellyboob, allowing him to continue running towards the brony unharmed.

The brownie smirked, pulling a computer tower from his trenchcoat and lobbing it at Billybob. "PC Master Race!"

"Not to be that guy, but" - Billybob picked up Rarity's corpse midstride and swung at the PC, smashing it into seventy-two pieces - "I think you're beating a dead horse!"

"Ah-ha! Nice meme, amateur!" From the brony's mouth, lines of text flew at Billybob as fast as he lost his virginity. "20% Cooler," "Muffins," "My Body Is Ready," and "Do It, Filly" all hurdled at Ballbuu, with nothing left but Rarity's corpse to fend them off.

Andrew Jackson give me strength. Like a total badass boss, he dodged and weaved his way through the words, smashing them apart with Rarity's body with every step. "Now that's beating a dead horse!"

"( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)," the brony memed, still running towards Billy as fast as his stubby legs could carry him.

After an undetermined (long ass) amount of time, the two finally reached each other. Billybob aimed the Magnum XXL at the brony, but it was sliced in two by the cheap katana.

"My gun!" cried Billby. The brony did a spin-kick move and hit him in the face, sending him flying. With a loud thud, he landed only a few yards from his pony comrades, tears streaming from his eyes. "I made that gun myself... it was my baby..."

"Well, Rarity was one of my waifus," said the brony, teleporting to Billy and pointing his katana at his throat, "and you killed her."

"Don't give up, Bill!" shouted Twilight, "we believe in you!"

"What's the use?" asked Borp, defeated, "his idiocy is too strong, and I'm out of weapons."

"That's right, hater. Now die!" The brony prepared his sword to strike in a super uncool fashion.

"Billybob, catch!" shouted Applejack, tossing a long, red object his way.

Billybob pushed the brony away and caught the gift while standing up. "My gorsh!" he exclaimed, "what's this?" He beheld the thick, crimson rod in his hands. Comparing it to his arm, he found that it was even wider and longer. At the very bottom, below two mini globes in a red coin purse, there was a hilt for an obviously badass sword. "This!" cried Berniebob, "this shall be my weapon!"

"Applejack?"

"Yeah, Twi?"

"Is that a full-scale silicone replica of your brother's penis and testicles?"

"Yeah, with a sword hilt built in."

"Okay, just making sure."

Recovering from the slight shove he received, the brony marveled at Billyborf's new toy. "That's... amazing. I've always wondered what Big Mac's 'big mac' looked like. Can I use it when you're done?"

"Mac this, you son of a bitch!"

Billie swung his weapon wildly at the brony who could only try and block his attacks. It was super cool, almost like it was from a super cool Chinese cartoon where people battle with swords that have spirits in them or some shit.

"This is for harassing those colorful asses!" With a mighty swing, Billybob struck the brony's katana, breaking it in two.

"You baka!" he exclaimed, "I paid twenty bucks for that in China Town!"

"It's over, moron." Billybob pointed his sword at the weirdo, not caring that it hung down a little.

"Show no mercy, Billybob! End that panty-stealer's life now!" Celestia squawked, allowing her inner bird to briefly take hold of her psyche. I need to see my shrink again, she thought.

"Bakas... BAKAS!" shouted le brony, getting all mad and shit. He hunched over, his hands near his side and his face scrunched up in the weirdest expression Berpderp had ever seen. "The time has come... to end this!"

Before Bi11yb0b could react, the brony started to scream, almost as if he were trying to draw power from the area around him. "What are you doing?" Bill asked.

"Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" The brony shrieked, the power of consitpation apparent in his voice.

"Oh shut up." Billybrup punched that dude in the face, sending him flying and ending his incessant stupidity. Before he could make sure his ass friends were okay, they all hugged him simultaneously, pleasing him greatly.

"That was amazing!" shouted Twilight.

"Way to use my brother's penis!" southerned Applejack.

"Butter," said Flutter.

"Why can't I talk?" asked Lesbian Dash.

Celestia patted Billyborg on the hat. "That truly was a marvelous display. You fought bravely."

"Sorry 'bout your panties, Big Momma."

She chuckled. "It's okay. I don't even wear pants."

Billybob liked this - a lot.

Rarity ejaculated.

The Fooliest Chapter of them All!

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The Next One

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