The Conversion Bureau - Earth's New Masters

by Dan_s Comments

Rating: teen
Tags: Crossover, Alternate Universe, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Other, Princess Celestia
Length: 2876

The Conversion Bureau has won, and the barrier is closing in. A few last souls are preparing to hand over Earth to its new masters.

Another Mystery Crossover: The Conversion Bureau has all but won, and the barrier is closing in. Soon Humanity will be a fading memory. A few last souls are preparing to hand over Earth to its new masters. At the proper place and at the proper time. Celestia is delighted, but should she be?

Published 2013-02-19 04:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-02-19 04:30:02 UTC

The Conversion Bureau - Earth's New Masters

The Conversion Bureau - Earth's New Masters
Dan's Comments

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

The sound the marine diesels are inaudible anywhere except the engine room or the fantail, which is why I stood there in the icy wind, listening. The specks in the distance are catching up. The pegasi, and air chariots are closing in. They must wonder why they can't simply teleport on board, I think and consider the contempt I had developed for these arrogant ponies.

I hadn't always felt that way. When they first arrived, offering so many of the weak sheep a chance to be sheep in form as well as thought, I had cheered them. Then the PER began their campaign to 'police up' those humans who refused or were vocal about resistance. The only humans worth a damn in my book. The barrier that would wipe the planet clean of all human artifacts, thoughts and history was not well understood then. Resistance made sense.

Those of us who paid attention charted its advance, made our calculations, looked to the stars, and laughed. PER operatives were never a personal problem for me. I was attacked, at a diplomatic gathering, by Rainbow Dash of all ponies. She was amazed for a bit too long that the purple goo didn't work on me. I shot off one of her wings, and proceeded to feed her a double dose of the ponification serum from her own saddlebags. To the surprise of the ponies, but not my own, it rendered her a Newfoal. Incapable of violence or even aggressive thought. I released her to wander back to her friends, and her horrified worshiper, Scootaloo. I then told them we already knew that would happen to ponies who received Celestia's Purple Gift, and what it would do to them.

We briefly provided the HLF sprayers and as much of Celestia's Purple Gift as they could use on the Conversion Bureaus. For a brief time, we drove the ponies from our soil. It seemed they were unwilling to risk becoming Newfoals. Proof that the process was not all it was advertised to be and the ponies in the Bureaus damn well knew it. Surprise, surprise. I even heard rumors of an abortive coup and civil war over what Celestia had done, and that the ponification serum would have a full effect on dissident ponies, and griffons, and even dragons.

None of that mattered, the barrier continued its relentless advance. No one and nothing seemed to be able to stop it. Believe me, we tried some things that we did not reveal to the crumbling/panicking governments of Earth. If any of them had worked, it would have been hailed as a miracle and we would have quietly returned to our own plans. While we prepared for the next chapter, we received word Celestia had 'restored order caused by human taint and lies' and that she would 'take the offensive against the remaining pockets of Human scum'. Again we looked to the stars and laughed.

Some of us had no stomach for the fighting, running, and hiding. They left the world through drugs, 'ascending to another plane', or debaucheries. I was a warrior. I had always been one since the earliest days of my life. So I would fight them. Until the end. But only until the end, then I would surrender to the new masters of the world.

In the distance, the Cleft Segment's eruption is breaching the surface. The sight brings me back to the here and now. Others will soon be joining it. I wonder if they realize how deep those volcanoes are, and what it means? I consider as I watch and listen.

"Twilight Sparkle on video-conference," the chief mate says. His bulging eyes and odd smell bothered some, but I'd seen worse, and he is loyal. That in many ways matters more. I hate leaving the fantail. The sea in all its depths and power has always called to me. But necessity and breeding have always made embracing a calling at sea an impossibility. The barrier is becoming visible all the way around us. The mate shivers with the cold that didn't seem to touch me.

"All right, can't put it off indefinitely," I say, taking pity on the crewman who is obviously suffering.

In the cabin are the last of our group. Some are old hands, one or two from the earliest days. Some are newcomers. Of them, some are cadre, some coterie, and the rest colleagues. All the hangers-on had departed, one way or another.

I could always smell trouble. Some of the old-timers, and some of the newcomers stink of it. We keep out of each others' way out of mutual ascent. None of that group is eager to get into the penis-measuring games that most humans and all ponies seem to be enthralled with. I am the leader, because anyone who could do as well or better didn't want the job. So I accept advice, but know I am the one everyone depended on and would blame. But I never lose. Others had tried to put a collar on me long ago. They'd paid with their lives and I'd brought their city down around them in revenge. I am a bit more circumspect and controlled now.

The mare waiting on the screen in the wardroom is among the most arrogant and foolish of an arrogant and foolish subtype of an arrogant and foolish race. The room itself isn't large, enough for four people comfortably. It is barely large enough for me, and as much of her ego as the screen can transmit.

"And you are?" I ask.

"I am Twilight Sparkle, personal -"

"Yes I know, but you still deliver that line as if you're afraid she'll take it away from you," I cut off the arrogant mare, but my tone is an old uncle trying to impart hard-won wisdom, "It's why you're still a flunky and your boss is looking to get a newer, shinier model."

The grimace on the purple face is worth every moment of not killing her and her garden party group those years ago. "So is Rainbow still selling it on the street, or did somepony finally have mercy and put her down? Terrible thing. You know if she hadn't embarrassed your entire cause before all those world leaders, Celly might have looked for a cure. But I guess one pegasus-bed-warmer is pretty much like another."

I quit before I give The Purple One an aneurism. I want her alive for later.

"I am giving you one last chance to heave to and surrender," Twilight announces through gritted teeth, "The barrier is all around you. Surely even you aren't that blind."

I sigh. "Like I told your pet marshmallow, Relic, Curio? You do have that friend?"

"Rarity!"

"So you're admitting you having friends is a rarity, okay, yeah we see it. Our eyes may not be as big and sparkly as yours, but we can see. And we've got radar, same thing that lets us see the pegasi who've been freezing up and dropping in the drink. You know, Sparky, Antarctica isn't the best place for summer troops. Sorry we can't turn around and pick them up for you, but we're on a tight schedule."

"Just where do you think you're running to?" she demands.

"47 9' South 126 43'West. Where the Barrier is going to close in," I reply, "It's not like we've been hiding our goal."

"You and your stupid religion!" she shouts in frustration, " 'The proper place to pass on the world to its new masters.' You could have done that anywhere!"

"Not any where, and not any when. We had to do it at the right place and the right time. As a magician, you have to know how important timing is."

"You humans have magic?" she asks, suddenly intrigued, "Why didn't you ever tell us? I'm certain that we can try and preserve some of what you know. After all, as ponies -"

"What makes you think we'll share it?" I ask, "After how you reacted to human culture and technology, what makes you think we'd share one scrap of magic with your boss, or her flunky?"

The mare gets a calculating look. It's pathetic compared so some of the folks on board. "Oh, but I'm sure Celestia will be eager to collect you, and take possession of this world from you. Why else do you think you've been allowed to progress so far?"

"Because none of you want to be made into a Newfoal," I reply, "Is it true Fluttershy committed suicide after she found out the truth, or is that just to cover up her execution?" I cut the connection before she can reply, or demand to know how I know about a death that happened in Ponyville.

So, the big, white cheese is coming to collect us personally, I think, Perfect.

Jeffers, one of my few friends still around from the old days is waiting for me outside in the corridor. "It shows a distinct lack of class to taunt excitable children like that," he warns, "They might just get angry enough to start thinking. So, Celestia herself, that might be worth all this."

"How far are we?" I ask.

"Thirty-five minutes," he replies.

"And the water?" I ask the real question.

"Shoaling up nicely."

I nod and pat his shoulder. It's been so long for both of us. So many lost, so much time since the beginning, and now the pay off. "I have to wonder what would have happened without the Barrier?"

"There are always ways," he tells me, "Although, Equestria will be interesting. They have dragons, real, big ones," he says like an excited kid.

Then I remember who he works for. "Was he pissed about all the dead humans?"

"Are you kidding, all those 'Don't Tread on Me' flags? He was ready to jump into the fight himself," Jeffers says.

I always thought his boss was mercurial, loves and hates too easily and too quickly. But viva la difference.

At thirty-three minutes, the boat slows noticeably. The pilot is having trouble keeping her off the underwater rocks, even with a dozen lookouts and the sonar. Our decreased speed lets the first pegasi land, poor thing looks exhausted and freezing. I kick her off the deck into the water. Her friends have about two minutes to save her before hypothermia turns her into fish food. For all the 'love and tolerance' talk, I notice none of the other pegasi want to get anywhere near the thrashing figure in the icy water. Noise like that attracts things. Something pulls her under.

The white, winged figure lands just as the boat grounds, so everyone is scrambling for a moment. She is able to keep her footing better, but we're beyond such little displays. A moment later the purple pipsqueak lands beside her idol.

"In the name of Princess Celestia of Equestria," she begins.

"Say that rhymes," one of the cadre says, igniting chuckles from the others as they appear on deck. The purple nuisance cowers near her goddess, while the goddess tries to look fierce and protective.

"You will surrender yourselves for conversion," Princess Celestia tells us, as if we wouldn't dare disagree.

"Sorry," Jeffers says, "Not sure I can. Besides, I looked over Equestria, place needs new management."

"Impossible, no human and nothing human-made can pass through the barrier and live." The god of Equestria glowers at Jeffers.

"Okay, you heard Seabiscuit, anyone who doesn't want to swim, get on shore now," I order.

With chuckles and groans, many of the crew jump to the weird and slippery shore. Others deploy the landing ladders.

"Yes," Jeffers says as he waits his turn on the ladder, "I had to see why you were doing this. Then it hit me, raw materials. You needed worshipers, your ponies are barely replacing their own losses, so you needed a fast infusion of breeding stock, and the land to raise them on. It was a good plan."

"Not very original," the goggle-eyed crewman offers.

"No, all the good plans have been done before," Jeffers replies. He sighs as he steps down onto the land.

"Wait a second, this island isn't on any of the charts," Twilight tells her mentor. She tries and fails to teleport off the ship, and has to use the ladder.

"It isn't?" I ask, "How dreadful." The laughter from the crew as the last of them jump or walk on shore frightens the Equestrians, who are looking at the huge structures on the island.

"You know, for all the trouble they caused," I muse as I stand on the newly-risen land, "I had a soft spot in my heart for humanity."

"Yeah," Malcolm, one of the old timers who set off my trouble alarm piped up, "Like a puppy swimming through a rough surf. You wanted them to make it, because . . . I don't know, anybody who'd invest whiskey and chocolate might think up some other neat stuff."

"Eloquent as ever, Malcolm," Jeffers says and shakes his head, "I'll miss the stories, the music, and the dreams. Only our best could come anywhere near their 'also-rans'. Such imaginations." He turns and smiles at Celestia. "I guess that's why you were so afraid. They could be good, or bad, but they were mostly dreamers."

"You're human too," Sparkle says, and begins pulling potion vials out of her saddlebags. "Take this, before the Barrier destroys you."

Jeffers frowns at her. "Do you get a bonus if you collect us?" Jeffers asks, "You hate humans. I'm not so fond of the jumped up yard apes that are most humans myself, but I never hated them like your kind does. Why are you so insistent that we join you?"

"I mentioned we have magic," I admit, "She wants it."

Malcolm grins. My trouble alarm goes off big time. "It might be fun to teach her."

"You want her to do the Celaeno Chant?" Jeffers asks, "Malcolm, that's ridiculous. She could never do it." Then he grins. "Teach Celestia the chant, I'll get a kick out of seeing her cast it properly."

There are more and more of Celestia's soldiers arriving. There are only seventy of us, and they already outnumber us nearly three to one, but none of us are worried. Still, the sovereign backs away from Malcolm. "I'll have plenty of time to learn your tricks, after you are ponies."

Again we chuckle at her. The barrier is sizzling across the island. It engulfs tower after tower, but the glare prevents anyone from seeing the effect once it has passed.

"You don't have much time," Twilight shouts over the growing noise.

"We have more time than you think," I tell them. While we kept the Equestrians occupied, the others have completed what we came to do. To send a signal that the time has come, and the stars are right. Now they're returning. "You got the last humans months ago," I tell them coldly. "Even what we would have had to do pales in comparison to what you did."

"You cleansed the world, not only of their taint, but of their triumphs. We would have kept those. Maybe kept some of them around to create more. Or they might have joined us willingly. There are always a few willing to try anything. But you know that. You just couldn't leave it at that," Malcolm says angrily.

Some of the less-dense guards move up to defend the Princess and her student. Celestia notes something far more important. "The barrier, it stopped!"

"That's right," Jeffers says. "It's different now. The stars are right, the rules have changed. We might have wanted them, but we certainly don't need you." He looks at me and grins. "What say we get out and stretch, just for old times."

"Why not?" I ask. The clothing drops away as our plasticity goes on display.

I remember Sparkle saying 'human bodies are ugly.' Wonder what she'll think of me? I speculate as I return to a plastic mass of ever-changing mouths and eyes and tentacles.

Twilight is running in circles around Celestia, screaming in terror. The guards have abandoned their posts and are running every which way. Celestia stands and stares, her pupils near pinpoints as the others who need to put off their human guises do so.

The barrier overruns us, to no effect. "Ph'nglui ain't mglw'nafh Cthulhu no more," Malcolm says as he unfurls his wings from his barrel-shaped body, and gestures with a tentacle to the huge slab being lifted from the inside off its ancient resting place. He looks at the terrified ponies, and tells Celestia, "Glad you brought lunch, he'd gonna be hungry."

"The Great Old Ones have reclaimed their world, and we'll soon add Equestria to their domain," I tell the goddess made flesh, all too edible flesh, "All praise to Celestia." As the other monoliths open to show Earth's new and former masters.

Crossover with H.P. Lovecraft's Cthulhu Mythos.

Author's Note

Set in the darker end of the Conversion Bureau stories.