The Marvelous Misadventures of Cole and Alexby apokalyps117ChaptersPrologueJesus Christ!Bitch Please!GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!PrologueCole stared at his opponent with anger. He couldn't wait to bash his brains in like a bag of fuckin' carrots. All of this pent up rage...and now he gets to release it at the one person who caused it. Kessler. He flared his hands as blue streaks of electricity flowed and jumped between his fingers. He charged them up, and watched in satisfaction as blue electrical orbs crackled and sparked on each hand. With a quick flick of his wrist, he was able to transform them into his signature, Gigawatt Blades. Kessler only looked at him with acceptance, as if he knew retribution was coming. Cole charged forward, ready to enact his revenge. He half expected Kessler to side step, prepare himself, counter the attack, or at least something other than just stand there and accept death. But no, he still stood there, head hanging low. This only enraged Cole more and he charged forward, ready to plunge his hand into his chest. But fate, being the cruel bitch that it was, decided to piss gasoline on Cole's parade...and then proceed to set it on fire. Just as Cole was about to end Kessler's life, his head snapped up wearing a demented grin. "Hai! I'm Pinkie Pie!" "What the fu-" Cole never finished, because as his blades made contact, the world went black. ...Meanwhile in another universe... Alex walked up to the door to the Blackwatch facility, disguised as their commander. 'They'll never suspect a thing...' He thought smugly. He quickly racked his last meal's memory and came up with the nine digit key code required for entry. As he entered, he couldn't help but notice how quiet it was. After walking from the initial corridor and coming out to the open floor space, he saw that it was completely empty, save for a giant rectangular box sitting in the middle of the room and a couple dropped notes here and there. 'Something isn't right here...' He walked up to a crumpled note on the floor and read it, hoping it would give him any information as to what happened here. As he opened the note he saw a message that made his blood run cold: 'SURPRISE ALEX...' He looked at the box again and noticed the timer now audible counting down from three. '3' Alex tried to make a sprint for the door '2' He was at the door, frantically entering the code '1' Access...DENIED '0' UMAD BRO?! "Oh what the fu-" Alex never finished, because as the timer hit zero, the world went black. ...Meanwhile in Equestria "Wow! The night sky looks amazing tonight Princess!" Twilight praised. Luna chuckled. "It pleases me that the night brigs you such joy!" She replied. 'I only hope that I can keep it that way...' She thought. As it turns out, Luna was still insecure about her social skills even after learning how to lose her royal 'we' and speak casually around her subjects. "Well, how about we get some ice cream and watch the upcoming meteor shower?" Twilight asked expectantly. "Hmm... Ice cream sounds wonderful really!" Luna replied. "Spike!" "Yeah?" The purple dragon answered lazily. "Can you bring us the ice cream from the freezer?" She asked. "The new one?" He asked glumly. "Um, yeah..." "The "Triple Chocolate Strawberry Insanity Vanilla Deluxe?" He gasped. "Will you just bring us the ice cream already?!" She exclaimed exasperatedly. "Fiiiiine..." He sighed. Twilight chuckled. "We'll be sure to save you some Spike!" She laughed. Spike sighed in relief. Twilight stifled a chortle. As she turned her head to talk to the princess again, she was interrupted by a soft knocking on her door. "Yes?" She replied as she opened her door. "Twilight darling, we heard you were staying up to watch the meteor shower tonight, so we just had to see if you would allow us all to attend!" A white unicorn answered. "Rarity? And all of my other friends? Of course you can come in! I was just speaking to Princess Luna about tonight's event." "PRINCESS LUNA!?!" A certain pink mare gasped, "Oh, this calls for one thing!" "Uh...Whut exactly would that be Pinkie?" A cowmare asked. "Oh silly Applejack, isn't it obvious? No wonder you're only part of a balanced breakfast..." Pinkie said sadly, shaking her head. "And what in tarnation is that supposed ta mean?!" Asked Applejack, clearly confused and annoyed by her fiends lack of tact. "Well, if you two are done arguing, the answer is obviously P-A-R-T-Y!" An annoyed tomboyish poly-chromatic pegasus said. "DIng! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner! Raiiiiinboooooow Daaaaaaash!!! Woo-hoo!!" Pinkie exclaimed. "U-um e-excuse me... But could you p-please tone it down just a little bit?... But only i-if you want to of course.", Asked a timid yellow mare. "Sorry there Fluttershy! Ah just got a little carried away." Applejack said. Luna chuckled at their antics. The Element Bearers chuckled at each other as they entered Ponyville's library. Suddenly Pinkie stopped. "Uh-oh!" Pinkie gasped "What is it Pinkie?" Twilight asked concerned about her friend's well-being. Pinkie gasped again as her entire body shook from violent spasms. "It's gonna be a BIIIIIIG ONE!" "What ever do you mean darling?" Rarity asked. "This one's gonna make HISTORY!" Pinkie exclaimed. "What does that even me-" The lavender mare was cut off as she saw that her spontaneous friend wasn't the only one shaking. "P-p-princess?!" Twilight asked fearfully. "I am unsure as to exactly what's going on here, but I can tell you this: Whatever happens, you six will be involved." Luna said. Twilight gulped. "Well girls let's prepare the elements, seeing as we don't know what's going to hap-" And for the second time that night, Twilight was interrupted as the sky was bathed in a blinding white light, and the only sounds were time and space slowly being ripped apart. Jesus Christ!Cole opened his eyes, the world around him giving off hazy afterimages. 'Cole...Cole can you hear me?' A distant voice asked. "Um, yeah...unfortunately." Cole grumbled 'Hey bro, don't be a dick!' The voice yelled. "AGH!" Cole screamed as he gripped his head,"The fuck was that for?!" "For being an asshat. Now, calm the fuck down or I wreck your shit." The Voice said in his ear. "Holy shit!" Cole jumped and looked at the person speaking to him,"Who are you? And where did you get that badass hair?" "Jesus Christ. And at a barber shop in Hollywood." Jesus replied "So...why am I here?" "You stabbed the future you A.K.A. 'Kessler' in the brain with four billion volts of electricity need I say more?" "...Uh...yeah?" "No dumbass, the correct answer was 'I understand completely Jesus' but I guess you can't have your bread and eat it too." "It's cake." "What?" "It's 'you can't have your cake and eat it too' you said bread." "Hey Cole? H-hey Cole?" Jesus pinched the bridge of his nose. "Fuck you, m'kay?" "Just sayin'" "Yeah whatever..." Jesus sighed and looked at his bare wrist. "Oh wow we are really late!" "You're not even wearing a watch!" "Says who?!" "Me." Jesus grins as he reaches his hand forward, a crude watch drawn on his wrist in black sharpie. "It's just drawn on the-" Cole stops as he watches the minute hand move. "D-did it just-" "Yep." "Bull...Shit!" "Nope I shit you not." "Badass bro. Bad. Ass." Jesus chuckles at Cole's remark. "True but, back to business." He sighs, cracking his knuckles. Jesus swings his hands around and conjures a scroll out of thin air and begins to read. "So...apparently by killing your future self you ripped Time a new asshole and raped Logic so now they have decided to press charges...yada yada yada...Another Dimension will be your new home...blah blah blah...If you decline your soul will be trapped in Purgatory for all eternity...yeah...m'kay...Okay...Alrighty then!" Hey says looking up from the parchment. Taking a deep breath, he says, "Just sign... herehereherehereherehere and... here!" Cole doesn't say a word, the amount of monotonous paperwork had rendered him completely stupid. "Jiggasaywhonow?"Cole stammered. Jesus sighed. "Fuck it." he says as he swipes Cole's forehead a bead of blood on his fingernail. "Now remember-" "Why the hell did you do that?!?" Cole says wiping off his forehead. "OI! Shut the fuck up when grown folks talkin'!" Jesus says, "Now remember always keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times." "...What?" "Ha! That's funny. You really thought I was gonna give you a choice didn'tcha?" Jesus says as a wooden chair forces Cole to sit before having chains magically tied around him. "Hey! What the fuck?" "Please do not bring any food, drinks, or bitches on this ride. Failure to follow these rules will result in extreme pain and embarrassment when I pop outta nowhere and say 'I told ya so'. Now please enjoy the Fuck You Express. But, one last question before you go." "What?" Cole asks exasperatedly, mentally tired of this shit. "Are you a bitch that likes bananas?" "Uh..." "I'll ask again, are you," he says pointing at Cole, "a bitch that likes bananas?" "No...?" "WELL YOU AIN'T GONNA FIND 'EM ON THE MOOOOOON!!!" He exclaims kicking Cole down a dark tunnel,"BEEEEYAAATCH!!!" Author's Note Random I know Oh, and here's Jesus Bitch Please!Cole couldn't believe what that asshole just did! He used metal to restrain him! Of all things! He quickly conducted enough electricity in the chains to incinerate them to ash. After doing so, he quickly flipped out of his falling deathtrap and began to freefall. As he began to near the edges of the tunnel he began to frantically activate his static thrusters (that's what she said) after remembering what Jesus said. He saw he was just about to touch the sides, his thrusters making his approach faster. Just as he was about to shut them off, he touched the walls. And then the world went white. ...Meanwhile, somewhere else that no-one gives a shit about because they're busy with their own lives... Alex was really tired of this damn forest. Like seriously. He continued to walk and curse the forest when he started to hear distant voices. Getting his hopes up, he sprinted through the dense forest, his feet throwing up dirt and foliage. He tensed his legs and shot up into the sky, his eyes searching for civilization. And then he spotted it. It was a quaint little town nestled at the edge of this godforsaken forest. Why? He didn't know and he really didn't give a fuck and a half. All he wanted was to get back to New York so he could eat random people, look through their memories, and see what type of porn they watched. He took off again sprinting for the town. * * * Alex arrived at the town a few minutes later, panting at the speed at which he was running. "Phew! Never had to run that fast since-" Just then he decided to look up and see the inhabitants. They were midget horse things. The were all staring at him with the best poker face the wirld had ever known...except for that turquoise one over there in that alley...She was kind scaring him. "Okay...Imma back up and come back when there's less weird shit..." "GRRRRRRAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!!!!!" The sky said. 'Wait. The sky?!' Alex looked up only to be met by a blinding white light. ...A few minutes before in that tunnel... Cole gripped his head in unimaginable pain. "AAAUUGH!" Memories and powers from his future seemed to become his to command. He kept his eyes shut for a couple more seconds. Suddenly, the sound of propellers forced him to open his eyes. There, falling with him, was a weird dual propelled helicopter. A lone, brown haired head poked out from a side door holding a Pillsbury Toaster Strudel in his mouth. "Told ya so." Jesus said smugly. "So", he starts conversationally, "How do you like my Vertibird?" "Vertiwhat?" "Vertibir-" "Mr. Jesus, what about my dog?" A boy asked from inside the vertibird. "We'll get it in a moment Jimmy! Now shush!" Jesus answered angrily. The boy whimpered meekly. "I-I'm sorry Mr. Je-" "Bitch please!" He screamed raising his fist. He picked up a pistol and cocked it. "I guess today's the day bitches die..." He said ominously. Jesus eyed his marker watch and sighed and his demeanor did a complete 180. "Well you seem to be at the end of your journey. Have a nice fall!" He saluted and sped away. "What the hell is that guys proble- GRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!" He screamed as the memories came back with a vengeance. He began to see nothing but white and it forced him to close his eyes again. When his mind began to clear, he managed to open his eyes only to be met with a village square and a hooded figure directly below him. He couldn't even choke out a warning as the two super humans collided. And for both of them, the world went black. Author's Note Chp 3 woooot!!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!Cole's vision came to him in hazy afterimages after fading to black every now and then. He racked his brain, trying to figure out what happened. He came up blank. He could feel the heat of flames on his skin but it wasn't uncomfortable. 'Musta been Nix's powers keeping me alive...' He thought grimly. Groaning, he stumbled to his feet, only to be met by the sight of a massive blob of biomass wriggling around in a purple aura. "What the fu-" "Hey there's another one!" A horned lilac horse mutant exclaimed. Cole flared his hands and fired a powerful bolt of electricity at her. The bolt caught the horse's horn and sent it flying back, clearly unconscious. 'Whoa! That ain't normal...' Cole thought. Unbeknownst to him, the wriggling tentacles were now free. "Grrrah!" It groaned, it's tentacles wriggling in the air. 'Okay, I've seen enough hentai to know where this is going...' The creature growled. "Alright you ugly motherfucker, let's ro-OOF!!" He breathed as the monsters tentacle sent him flying. "He corrected himself in midair and sent o volley of electrical rockets at the creature. "Yeah...YEAH! Hit ME in the head again!" He gloated. He just failed to notice the tentacle behind him... ...Meanwhile in Pornyv-Ahem Ponyville... The fight had lasted several hours, always at a stalema- "Stale? Fights aren't bread...silly narrator!" "Uh...Whut?" A country mare asked. "Of course you wouldn't understand Applejack your only part of a balanced breakfast remember?" "Whut does that even mean Pinkie?!?" "Girls!" Twilight had finally awoken,"Now's not the time for that! We have to monsters destroying Porny- I mean Ponyville!" "I must declare that she is correct! I cannot and will not have my boutique ruined by these ruffians!!" "I'll send a letter to Princess Celestia so we can use the Elements of Harmony!" The purple unicorn exclaimed and rushed off towards Golden Oaks library. ...Back to the fight... Cole panted, more out of fatigue than lack of electricity most of which seemed to be stored in ley lines in the planet's surface. Cole's respite was cut short however by slow clapping coming from the smoking remains of a bakery near the town square. "Holy shit!" A voice said. "It's been awhile since I had a fight like that!" Cole was concerned now. A humanoid figure in dark chitinous armor leaped from the rubble and landed right in front of Cole. The figure held out his hand for a shake but, before Cole could take it the figure turned into squirming tendrils and transformed into a person about Cole's height wearing a dress shirt, heather jacket, hoodie, and jeans. "Name's Alex. Alex Mercer. What's yours?" "Cole. Cole Macgrath. Nice to me-" A trumpet fanfare interrupted him as a golden chariot pulled by zebras was brought before them. As the zebras brought the chariot closer Cole heard the zebras singing. "Holy shit that is racist..." The duo said in unison. Suddenly the doors were opened to reveal a tall regal alicorn, wearing a southern dress. "Well ah must declahare! You are the two downright strangest ziggers I evah seen! Naw don be scared none Ah won't whip yah...much!" Alex and Cole stare at her, dumbfounded. "What the..." Cole starts. "...Fuck..." Alex finishes. ...Meanwhile in the Universe's vagina A.K.A. where Cole first met Jesus... Jesus sniffed the air, "Aw, shit!" He groaned, "Stupid dimensions crossing into each other again!" He sighed and jumped into his vertibird. He strapped himself in and took off. After going for awhile, he decided to turn on the radio. "Aw, yeah this is my jam!" He exclaimed and took off. ...Back in Ponyville... "Oh my God...Shut the fuck up!" Cole and Alex yelled. Celestia raised her head in anger. "What did you say?!" She charged her horn, ready to kill the two, but was interrupted by a giant aircraft flying in from out of nowhere. "Somebody order a go-go gadget foot up their ass?" Jesus asks from the vertibird's intercom. "'Cause when I'm done with you you're gonna have a two kids named Nike and Reebok!" Jesus exits the virtibird and snaps his fingers. All the zebras were turned into white ponies in golden armor. Celestia was returned to her normal golden regalia. She was still charging her horn however at Cole and Alex but was interrupted again by a deafening bang. Celestia looked up and saw that her regalia was now twisted and warped. She suddenly knew that that could have been her...or one of her little ponies. "Please..." She said trying to salvage the situation, realizing she was staring down the barrel of a gun. She gulped. "Don't hurt my little ponies..." Jesus hung his head and sighed. "You know what?" He asked, "Here are your options..." Princess Celestia was hoping he wouldn't demand anything outlandish, impossible or...lewd. "Option one:..." Celestia listened intently. "Fuck you I'm Jesus!" He screamed and kicked her harshly in her ponyvag. "Ahhh!" Celestia screamed in pain. "My Little Pussy!" (see what I did there? huh? huh? poke poke giggle giggle) The trio were laughing there asses off...until they had found that they had suddenly teleported into the dungeon. "Awww, SHIT!" Their complaints were soon cut short as Celestia came into the dungeon, limping heavily. "Hey Jesus!" Celestia exclaimed, "You better be glad your dad convinced me to release you three early. Also, he said he's taking away your vertibird. You're grounded." "Aw, what?! That's bullshit..." He moped "You can't ground Jesus..." Cole and Alex stifled a laugh. "Well," Celestia started, "since we've gotten all the "pleasantries" out of the way, I'm pretty sure you have some questions." "Yeah, like where we are for example." Alex said. "Well, you are in the magical land known as Equestria which is populated by strong Earth Ponies, magical Unicorns, and high flying Pegasi!" She exclaimed. "It is ruled by my sister, Luna and I and we raise the Moon and Sun respectively. We usually have all around peace and harmony throughout the land. Our capitol city is Canterlot, with outlying towns and settlements such as Baltimare, Ponyville, and Appleossa. We also have smaller city-states such as Germaney, Mexicolt, and Prance!" The trouble-making trio looked at each other, took a deep breath and said,"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!! Author's Note FFYH: I know that zebra part was racist but I really took no offense to it.
PrologueCole stared at his opponent with anger. He couldn't wait to bash his brains in like a bag of fuckin' carrots. All of this pent up rage...and now he gets to release it at the one person who caused it. Kessler. He flared his hands as blue streaks of electricity flowed and jumped between his fingers. He charged them up, and watched in satisfaction as blue electrical orbs crackled and sparked on each hand. With a quick flick of his wrist, he was able to transform them into his signature, Gigawatt Blades. Kessler only looked at him with acceptance, as if he knew retribution was coming. Cole charged forward, ready to enact his revenge. He half expected Kessler to side step, prepare himself, counter the attack, or at least something other than just stand there and accept death. But no, he still stood there, head hanging low. This only enraged Cole more and he charged forward, ready to plunge his hand into his chest. But fate, being the cruel bitch that it was, decided to piss gasoline on Cole's parade...and then proceed to set it on fire. Just as Cole was about to end Kessler's life, his head snapped up wearing a demented grin. "Hai! I'm Pinkie Pie!" "What the fu-" Cole never finished, because as his blades made contact, the world went black. ...Meanwhile in another universe... Alex walked up to the door to the Blackwatch facility, disguised as their commander. 'They'll never suspect a thing...' He thought smugly. He quickly racked his last meal's memory and came up with the nine digit key code required for entry. As he entered, he couldn't help but notice how quiet it was. After walking from the initial corridor and coming out to the open floor space, he saw that it was completely empty, save for a giant rectangular box sitting in the middle of the room and a couple dropped notes here and there. 'Something isn't right here...' He walked up to a crumpled note on the floor and read it, hoping it would give him any information as to what happened here. As he opened the note he saw a message that made his blood run cold: 'SURPRISE ALEX...' He looked at the box again and noticed the timer now audible counting down from three. '3' Alex tried to make a sprint for the door '2' He was at the door, frantically entering the code '1' Access...DENIED '0' UMAD BRO?! "Oh what the fu-" Alex never finished, because as the timer hit zero, the world went black. ...Meanwhile in Equestria "Wow! The night sky looks amazing tonight Princess!" Twilight praised. Luna chuckled. "It pleases me that the night brigs you such joy!" She replied. 'I only hope that I can keep it that way...' She thought. As it turns out, Luna was still insecure about her social skills even after learning how to lose her royal 'we' and speak casually around her subjects. "Well, how about we get some ice cream and watch the upcoming meteor shower?" Twilight asked expectantly. "Hmm... Ice cream sounds wonderful really!" Luna replied. "Spike!" "Yeah?" The purple dragon answered lazily. "Can you bring us the ice cream from the freezer?" She asked. "The new one?" He asked glumly. "Um, yeah..." "The "Triple Chocolate Strawberry Insanity Vanilla Deluxe?" He gasped. "Will you just bring us the ice cream already?!" She exclaimed exasperatedly. "Fiiiiine..." He sighed. Twilight chuckled. "We'll be sure to save you some Spike!" She laughed. Spike sighed in relief. Twilight stifled a chortle. As she turned her head to talk to the princess again, she was interrupted by a soft knocking on her door. "Yes?" She replied as she opened her door. "Twilight darling, we heard you were staying up to watch the meteor shower tonight, so we just had to see if you would allow us all to attend!" A white unicorn answered. "Rarity? And all of my other friends? Of course you can come in! I was just speaking to Princess Luna about tonight's event." "PRINCESS LUNA!?!" A certain pink mare gasped, "Oh, this calls for one thing!" "Uh...Whut exactly would that be Pinkie?" A cowmare asked. "Oh silly Applejack, isn't it obvious? No wonder you're only part of a balanced breakfast..." Pinkie said sadly, shaking her head. "And what in tarnation is that supposed ta mean?!" Asked Applejack, clearly confused and annoyed by her fiends lack of tact. "Well, if you two are done arguing, the answer is obviously P-A-R-T-Y!" An annoyed tomboyish poly-chromatic pegasus said. "DIng! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner! Raiiiiinboooooow Daaaaaaash!!! Woo-hoo!!" Pinkie exclaimed. "U-um e-excuse me... But could you p-please tone it down just a little bit?... But only i-if you want to of course.", Asked a timid yellow mare. "Sorry there Fluttershy! Ah just got a little carried away." Applejack said. Luna chuckled at their antics. The Element Bearers chuckled at each other as they entered Ponyville's library. Suddenly Pinkie stopped. "Uh-oh!" Pinkie gasped "What is it Pinkie?" Twilight asked concerned about her friend's well-being. Pinkie gasped again as her entire body shook from violent spasms. "It's gonna be a BIIIIIIG ONE!" "What ever do you mean darling?" Rarity asked. "This one's gonna make HISTORY!" Pinkie exclaimed. "What does that even me-" The lavender mare was cut off as she saw that her spontaneous friend wasn't the only one shaking. "P-p-princess?!" Twilight asked fearfully. "I am unsure as to exactly what's going on here, but I can tell you this: Whatever happens, you six will be involved." Luna said. Twilight gulped. "Well girls let's prepare the elements, seeing as we don't know what's going to hap-" And for the second time that night, Twilight was interrupted as the sky was bathed in a blinding white light, and the only sounds were time and space slowly being ripped apart.
Jesus Christ!Cole opened his eyes, the world around him giving off hazy afterimages. 'Cole...Cole can you hear me?' A distant voice asked. "Um, yeah...unfortunately." Cole grumbled 'Hey bro, don't be a dick!' The voice yelled. "AGH!" Cole screamed as he gripped his head,"The fuck was that for?!" "For being an asshat. Now, calm the fuck down or I wreck your shit." The Voice said in his ear. "Holy shit!" Cole jumped and looked at the person speaking to him,"Who are you? And where did you get that badass hair?" "Jesus Christ. And at a barber shop in Hollywood." Jesus replied "So...why am I here?" "You stabbed the future you A.K.A. 'Kessler' in the brain with four billion volts of electricity need I say more?" "...Uh...yeah?" "No dumbass, the correct answer was 'I understand completely Jesus' but I guess you can't have your bread and eat it too." "It's cake." "What?" "It's 'you can't have your cake and eat it too' you said bread." "Hey Cole? H-hey Cole?" Jesus pinched the bridge of his nose. "Fuck you, m'kay?" "Just sayin'" "Yeah whatever..." Jesus sighed and looked at his bare wrist. "Oh wow we are really late!" "You're not even wearing a watch!" "Says who?!" "Me." Jesus grins as he reaches his hand forward, a crude watch drawn on his wrist in black sharpie. "It's just drawn on the-" Cole stops as he watches the minute hand move. "D-did it just-" "Yep." "Bull...Shit!" "Nope I shit you not." "Badass bro. Bad. Ass." Jesus chuckles at Cole's remark. "True but, back to business." He sighs, cracking his knuckles. Jesus swings his hands around and conjures a scroll out of thin air and begins to read. "So...apparently by killing your future self you ripped Time a new asshole and raped Logic so now they have decided to press charges...yada yada yada...Another Dimension will be your new home...blah blah blah...If you decline your soul will be trapped in Purgatory for all eternity...yeah...m'kay...Okay...Alrighty then!" Hey says looking up from the parchment. Taking a deep breath, he says, "Just sign... herehereherehereherehere and... here!" Cole doesn't say a word, the amount of monotonous paperwork had rendered him completely stupid. "Jiggasaywhonow?"Cole stammered. Jesus sighed. "Fuck it." he says as he swipes Cole's forehead a bead of blood on his fingernail. "Now remember-" "Why the hell did you do that?!?" Cole says wiping off his forehead. "OI! Shut the fuck up when grown folks talkin'!" Jesus says, "Now remember always keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times." "...What?" "Ha! That's funny. You really thought I was gonna give you a choice didn'tcha?" Jesus says as a wooden chair forces Cole to sit before having chains magically tied around him. "Hey! What the fuck?" "Please do not bring any food, drinks, or bitches on this ride. Failure to follow these rules will result in extreme pain and embarrassment when I pop outta nowhere and say 'I told ya so'. Now please enjoy the Fuck You Express. But, one last question before you go." "What?" Cole asks exasperatedly, mentally tired of this shit. "Are you a bitch that likes bananas?" "Uh..." "I'll ask again, are you," he says pointing at Cole, "a bitch that likes bananas?" "No...?" "WELL YOU AIN'T GONNA FIND 'EM ON THE MOOOOOON!!!" He exclaims kicking Cole down a dark tunnel,"BEEEEYAAATCH!!!" Author's Note Random I know Oh, and here's Jesus
Bitch Please!Cole couldn't believe what that asshole just did! He used metal to restrain him! Of all things! He quickly conducted enough electricity in the chains to incinerate them to ash. After doing so, he quickly flipped out of his falling deathtrap and began to freefall. As he began to near the edges of the tunnel he began to frantically activate his static thrusters (that's what she said) after remembering what Jesus said. He saw he was just about to touch the sides, his thrusters making his approach faster. Just as he was about to shut them off, he touched the walls. And then the world went white. ...Meanwhile, somewhere else that no-one gives a shit about because they're busy with their own lives... Alex was really tired of this damn forest. Like seriously. He continued to walk and curse the forest when he started to hear distant voices. Getting his hopes up, he sprinted through the dense forest, his feet throwing up dirt and foliage. He tensed his legs and shot up into the sky, his eyes searching for civilization. And then he spotted it. It was a quaint little town nestled at the edge of this godforsaken forest. Why? He didn't know and he really didn't give a fuck and a half. All he wanted was to get back to New York so he could eat random people, look through their memories, and see what type of porn they watched. He took off again sprinting for the town. * * * Alex arrived at the town a few minutes later, panting at the speed at which he was running. "Phew! Never had to run that fast since-" Just then he decided to look up and see the inhabitants. They were midget horse things. The were all staring at him with the best poker face the wirld had ever known...except for that turquoise one over there in that alley...She was kind scaring him. "Okay...Imma back up and come back when there's less weird shit..." "GRRRRRRAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!!!!!" The sky said. 'Wait. The sky?!' Alex looked up only to be met by a blinding white light. ...A few minutes before in that tunnel... Cole gripped his head in unimaginable pain. "AAAUUGH!" Memories and powers from his future seemed to become his to command. He kept his eyes shut for a couple more seconds. Suddenly, the sound of propellers forced him to open his eyes. There, falling with him, was a weird dual propelled helicopter. A lone, brown haired head poked out from a side door holding a Pillsbury Toaster Strudel in his mouth. "Told ya so." Jesus said smugly. "So", he starts conversationally, "How do you like my Vertibird?" "Vertiwhat?" "Vertibir-" "Mr. Jesus, what about my dog?" A boy asked from inside the vertibird. "We'll get it in a moment Jimmy! Now shush!" Jesus answered angrily. The boy whimpered meekly. "I-I'm sorry Mr. Je-" "Bitch please!" He screamed raising his fist. He picked up a pistol and cocked it. "I guess today's the day bitches die..." He said ominously. Jesus eyed his marker watch and sighed and his demeanor did a complete 180. "Well you seem to be at the end of your journey. Have a nice fall!" He saluted and sped away. "What the hell is that guys proble- GRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!" He screamed as the memories came back with a vengeance. He began to see nothing but white and it forced him to close his eyes again. When his mind began to clear, he managed to open his eyes only to be met with a village square and a hooded figure directly below him. He couldn't even choke out a warning as the two super humans collided. And for both of them, the world went black. Author's Note Chp 3 woooot!!!
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!Cole's vision came to him in hazy afterimages after fading to black every now and then. He racked his brain, trying to figure out what happened. He came up blank. He could feel the heat of flames on his skin but it wasn't uncomfortable. 'Musta been Nix's powers keeping me alive...' He thought grimly. Groaning, he stumbled to his feet, only to be met by the sight of a massive blob of biomass wriggling around in a purple aura. "What the fu-" "Hey there's another one!" A horned lilac horse mutant exclaimed. Cole flared his hands and fired a powerful bolt of electricity at her. The bolt caught the horse's horn and sent it flying back, clearly unconscious. 'Whoa! That ain't normal...' Cole thought. Unbeknownst to him, the wriggling tentacles were now free. "Grrrah!" It groaned, it's tentacles wriggling in the air. 'Okay, I've seen enough hentai to know where this is going...' The creature growled. "Alright you ugly motherfucker, let's ro-OOF!!" He breathed as the monsters tentacle sent him flying. "He corrected himself in midair and sent o volley of electrical rockets at the creature. "Yeah...YEAH! Hit ME in the head again!" He gloated. He just failed to notice the tentacle behind him... ...Meanwhile in Pornyv-Ahem Ponyville... The fight had lasted several hours, always at a stalema- "Stale? Fights aren't bread...silly narrator!" "Uh...Whut?" A country mare asked. "Of course you wouldn't understand Applejack your only part of a balanced breakfast remember?" "Whut does that even mean Pinkie?!?" "Girls!" Twilight had finally awoken,"Now's not the time for that! We have to monsters destroying Porny- I mean Ponyville!" "I must declare that she is correct! I cannot and will not have my boutique ruined by these ruffians!!" "I'll send a letter to Princess Celestia so we can use the Elements of Harmony!" The purple unicorn exclaimed and rushed off towards Golden Oaks library. ...Back to the fight... Cole panted, more out of fatigue than lack of electricity most of which seemed to be stored in ley lines in the planet's surface. Cole's respite was cut short however by slow clapping coming from the smoking remains of a bakery near the town square. "Holy shit!" A voice said. "It's been awhile since I had a fight like that!" Cole was concerned now. A humanoid figure in dark chitinous armor leaped from the rubble and landed right in front of Cole. The figure held out his hand for a shake but, before Cole could take it the figure turned into squirming tendrils and transformed into a person about Cole's height wearing a dress shirt, heather jacket, hoodie, and jeans. "Name's Alex. Alex Mercer. What's yours?" "Cole. Cole Macgrath. Nice to me-" A trumpet fanfare interrupted him as a golden chariot pulled by zebras was brought before them. As the zebras brought the chariot closer Cole heard the zebras singing. "Holy shit that is racist..." The duo said in unison. Suddenly the doors were opened to reveal a tall regal alicorn, wearing a southern dress. "Well ah must declahare! You are the two downright strangest ziggers I evah seen! Naw don be scared none Ah won't whip yah...much!" Alex and Cole stare at her, dumbfounded. "What the..." Cole starts. "...Fuck..." Alex finishes. ...Meanwhile in the Universe's vagina A.K.A. where Cole first met Jesus... Jesus sniffed the air, "Aw, shit!" He groaned, "Stupid dimensions crossing into each other again!" He sighed and jumped into his vertibird. He strapped himself in and took off. After going for awhile, he decided to turn on the radio. "Aw, yeah this is my jam!" He exclaimed and took off. ...Back in Ponyville... "Oh my God...Shut the fuck up!" Cole and Alex yelled. Celestia raised her head in anger. "What did you say?!" She charged her horn, ready to kill the two, but was interrupted by a giant aircraft flying in from out of nowhere. "Somebody order a go-go gadget foot up their ass?" Jesus asks from the vertibird's intercom. "'Cause when I'm done with you you're gonna have a two kids named Nike and Reebok!" Jesus exits the virtibird and snaps his fingers. All the zebras were turned into white ponies in golden armor. Celestia was returned to her normal golden regalia. She was still charging her horn however at Cole and Alex but was interrupted again by a deafening bang. Celestia looked up and saw that her regalia was now twisted and warped. She suddenly knew that that could have been her...or one of her little ponies. "Please..." She said trying to salvage the situation, realizing she was staring down the barrel of a gun. She gulped. "Don't hurt my little ponies..." Jesus hung his head and sighed. "You know what?" He asked, "Here are your options..." Princess Celestia was hoping he wouldn't demand anything outlandish, impossible or...lewd. "Option one:..." Celestia listened intently. "Fuck you I'm Jesus!" He screamed and kicked her harshly in her ponyvag. "Ahhh!" Celestia screamed in pain. "My Little Pussy!" (see what I did there? huh? huh? poke poke giggle giggle) The trio were laughing there asses off...until they had found that they had suddenly teleported into the dungeon. "Awww, SHIT!" Their complaints were soon cut short as Celestia came into the dungeon, limping heavily. "Hey Jesus!" Celestia exclaimed, "You better be glad your dad convinced me to release you three early. Also, he said he's taking away your vertibird. You're grounded." "Aw, what?! That's bullshit..." He moped "You can't ground Jesus..." Cole and Alex stifled a laugh. "Well," Celestia started, "since we've gotten all the "pleasantries" out of the way, I'm pretty sure you have some questions." "Yeah, like where we are for example." Alex said. "Well, you are in the magical land known as Equestria which is populated by strong Earth Ponies, magical Unicorns, and high flying Pegasi!" She exclaimed. "It is ruled by my sister, Luna and I and we raise the Moon and Sun respectively. We usually have all around peace and harmony throughout the land. Our capitol city is Canterlot, with outlying towns and settlements such as Baltimare, Ponyville, and Appleossa. We also have smaller city-states such as Germaney, Mexicolt, and Prance!" The trouble-making trio looked at each other, took a deep breath and said,"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!! Author's Note FFYH: I know that zebra part was racist but I really took no offense to it.
