My Stallion

Chapters

Everything Hurts Me
Mares are Creepy
What Ponies Wallow In
I Live in a Hick Town
Stallions are Creepy, Too
Faith in Ponykind Restored
The Biggest Hump
He Only Eats Apple Products

Everything Hurts Me

My Stallion

Chapter 1—Everything Hurts Me

He groaned. “Ugh, I really should have rethought that sandwich,” he thought. The bread was okay…Rye. The hay, the tomatoes, they were all good. They were bought only recently. So that leaves…the lettuce! Oh Celestia, why? Why would such an innocent green leaf harm me so?

Caramel placed his right hoof on the seat of the porcelain bowl. Trying to steady himself, he burped again. Each explosive pocket of air was another threat of seeing more than just air. Please don’t puke, please…He burped again. The inside of his mouth tasted…salty…for some reason. Stupid lettuce...how long was it in my refrigerator?

Suddenly, there was a knock on his door. “Caramel?” came a muffled voice, “Y’all in there?”

“Macintosh!” Caramel yelled back, before feeling another bout of nausea.He stood up to open the door, but immediately collapsed back down, his eyes wide with fear as another large pocket of air escaped from his frustrated stomach. I kind of wish I could just get it over with. It’s getting really annoying.

“Caramel! Ya in there?”

Caramel reached out with his hoof toward the voice—out the bathroom, across the hallway, through the messy living room and to the front door. At least, he wished he could extend his hooves like that. Unfortunately, they were still barely two feet from his body. Tensing all the muscles in that leg, he scrunched up his muzzle, closed his eyes, and whispered, “Open sesame.”

Nothing happened.

Celestia dammit. Why did I even try that?

“Macintosh! Help!” Caramel yelled loudly before dipping his head back toward the bowl.

A gallop, bang, and crash later, Caramel’s front door was in shambles. A trip, yell, and thud later, so were Big Macintosh’s forelegs. I have got to clean up this place.

The red stallion appeared at the door of the bathroom, slightly panting from his trip. “Ya’ll okay there, Caramel?”

“Not [burp] really…”

“Sick?”

“More like…food poisoning…”

“Would y’all like me to leave?”

“Actually…could you stay here? Just for a bit? I think I need you to hold my mane for awhile,” Caramel slurred very fast, for as soon as he was finished, his mouth opened and out gushed a combination of rye, tomato, hay, and bits of offending lettuce.

“Eeyup.”

Caramel made his way to Sweet Apple Acres. The sun had barely risen, but ponies were already ambling onto the roads of Ponyville, pulling their carts and heaving their saddlebags full of merchandise to sell. It was “the salespony hour,” as those in business liked to call it—the time in the morning that was optimal for setting up booths and taking inventory, and as it was a Saturday, the market would be bursting with ponies soon after. His mane ruffled in the cool breeze and he shuddered from the cold. It was late February, and Winter Wrap-up was still scheduled for a few weeks later. I think it’s the 21st of March this year.

Once he finally reached the farm, however, Celestia’s orb had risen from its slumber and began its graceful arc across the sky for the day. Caramel volunteered at Sweet Apple Acres regularly on the weekends, and whenever he could find time any day else. On the weekdays, however, he had a steady job helping Derpy with delivering packages and mail, as well as assisting Rose with flower arranging. Of all his work, he enjoyed his volunteering the most.
Does it count as volunteering if I’m being paid? The tan stallion wasn’t exactly earning his share of bits for the work. Of course, they had offered. Applejack had graciously offered fourteen bits per hour, and Granny Smith, in an even more magnanimous act, offered sixteen. He turned down both of them. Instead, due to the perhaps obdurate insistence of the whole Apple family, he was given a share of apples, apple fritters, and various other apple-related confections that he never seemed to get sick of. Apple Bloom had even asked him to be a second big brother: “Y’all sure do like apples, Caramel. You should be my big brother number two! Maybe my cutie mark will be in having lots of siblings!”

“Mornin’ Caramel,” came a low, soft grunt.

“Oh, good morning, Mac.”

“Feelin’ better?”

“Oh yes. Thanks for all your help. I think I got it all out of my system, and it’s been two days after that, too.”

“Ya did say you’d come, but never showed up. I thought somethin’ might be botherin’ ya or somethin’ like that.” Macintosh grunted again he stacked another hay bale onto the growing column. “These bales hafta be moved.” Always one with getting work done…

“Sure. So I just pile them onto the cart?”

“Eeyup,” came the reply, although it sounded strained—perhaps because the red stallion had just hauled up two bales at once. They don’t call him “big” for nothing…

Every once in awhile, there would be another thud as another bale landed on the cart. Shortly after, there was always a squeak, as the wheels struggled to take the weight of the combined hay. “Mac?”

“Eeyup?”

“Isn’t it time to move? I think we have enough on the cart for one trip.”

The columns of hay were now taller than three ponies standing on top of each other. What a silly image. As if three ponies could stand on top of each other…It would certainly be entertaining. With a nod, Macintosh hooked himself up to the handles and started walking. Caramel pushed from behind, listening closely in case there were any commands he needed to follow.

Once the cart was in its final position, so began the seemingly sisyphean task of unloading. One at a time, each bale of hay had to be taken down and laid in a sort of barrier. It’s probably for efficiency stuff. The farm seemed to be restructuring itself very often nowadays, after they had learned about the different aspects of efficiency in an agricultural business.

Caramel reached behind a bale and pulled it closer to him, off the cart, and onto the ground. He pushed it to the wall of hay, now as tall has his neck, and lifted it up with his forelegs.

Suddenly, a sharp pain shot up in his left hoof. “Gah!” he cried, and pulled away reflexively. He stumbled back and tripped on a large rock halfway embedded in the dirt. His back hoof twisted in an awkward angle and he fell on the ground. Oh buck.

“Caramel!”

“Ow! Ow! Oww!” he groaned, gritting his teeth and taking sharp breaths. In a twisted sense, Caramel felt slightly grateful that he had two injuries on two hooves—it seemed to hurt less if he didn’t know which was worse.

“Caramel, I’ll get ya into the house. C’mon.”

“Mac…it hurts…I don’t think I can walk.”

“I’ll carry ya.”

Before the smaller stallion could protest, Macintosh lifted him with his hooves and with some difficulty, placed him onto his back. Caramel gripped the body of the large stallion as tight as he could without it hurting more. With every step, he could feel the strength behind the muscles and tendons inside the masculine stallion, but also the softness of his fur.

“Let me see your hooves,” said Macintosh gently when they were inside.

Caramel extended his foreleg that had caused his trip in the first place. There was a long gash down the leg, reaching down diagonally and spiraling around. Macintosh fetched some gauze and wrapped it around the leg tightly—up and down, around and around—until every millimeter of red disappeared behind a fluffy cloud of white.

“Thanks…”

“Other leg.”

Caramel retracted one leg and gave another—at least, he tried. Before he could get it too far out for Macintosh’s examination, a shooting pain inside made him bend it back as he recoiled in agony.

“It’s okay, I’ll just look at it from here.”

“Sorry I had to get hurt, Mac…taking so much time away from your work…”

“It’s alright, Caramel, it ain’t your fault. We’re done for the day, anyways. That was all we had to do today,” he said as he wrapped another piece of gauze around the hind-leg. This one was wrapped tightly—so tightly that the now handicapped pony could no longer bend that joint. “Feel better?”

“Eeyup,” said Caramel, giggling slightly at his poor impersonation of his caretaker. He looked into his eyes and saw the care and sympathy behind those green orbs and his heart fluttered. He really cares…he’s such a good friend.

Macintosh averted his eyes to the refrigerator and shortly after, he handed Caramel a glass of apple juice. I guess rest time begins.

After every work day came rest time—Caramel and Macintosh would relax in the house and chat about things in their life. Usually, it consisted of Macintosh occasionally asking questions and Caramel revealing his life story in a matter of minutes. The tan pony was still sitting on the floor, so the large stallion joined him. “How ya been doin’ lately?”

“I’ve been good. Rose gave me a raise last week, so I’m hoping I’ll have some extra bits soon. I accidently dropped a fragile package that was supposed to go to Doctor Whooves. You know, the one who’s with Derpy? And when she found out, Derpy flew home screaming something about the universe and time and I have no idea. So I’m not looking forward to talking about that later on. I also finally cleaned my living room. How’s your legs, by the way?”

“They’re all fine, Caramel. Don’t you worry none.”

“Good. I would hate to hurt you…especially after…all you’ve done for me.”

“Tain’t not a problem.”

A few moments passed before either of them spoke again. In truth, Caramel had wanted to ask if he had received anything interesting for Hearts and Hooves Day, but he decided against it. Never mind, Mac doesn’t like answering these personal questions.

“Y’all got a fillyfriend yet?”

The tan stallion blinked a few time with his mouth closed, slightly taken aback by the sudden question about his love-life. “Erm…no…I…no…” he said.

“Just curious.”

“Never probably will, anyways.”

“And why is that?”

“Erm…” Caramel immediately regretted saying that last part. He often had trouble talking about this subject. He had come to terms with it long ago, but it still felt strange hearing the words coming out of his mouth. It felt like he was revealing something so private about himself, like he was walking into a battlefield with a target painted on his flank. “I uh…I like stallions.”

There was no answer.

“Uh…is something wrong?” Oh, he’s going to hate me. He’s going to hit me. He’s going to ban me from his farm and I’ll never get to see him again! Oh my best friend is going to hate me! He opened one of his closed eyes and peeked at his friend and confirmed that his neck was, indeed, also red. Oh buck.

“Tain’t nothin’ wrong with it, Caramel.”

Caramel let out an explosive sigh. I knew that red neck thing was just a myth. What was I so worried about? So what if he hated me, anyways? I have other friends. Something about those last few thoughts was disturbing, however. The thought of Big Macintosh not liking him made his heart drop a few centimeters in his chest.

“It’s getting’ late, Caramel. I’ll carry ya home,” he said suddenly, as if he felted like the conversation had reached a nice finish. Caramel wanted to refuse; he wanted to say, “I appreciate the offer, but I can walk home myself.” Unfortunately, the gauze was wrapped so tight, he couldn’t move very well. He had no choice but to accept the offer, although it seemed more like an ultimatum to him.

On the walk back to Caramel’s small house, the tan pony once again wrapped his legs around the furry body under him. “Mm…my big strong stallion,” he slurred quietly with his eyes dreamily shut. Where did that come from?! He opened his eyes again, slightly perturbed by what he had just said. I’m too tired…Soft bed, here I come.

Mares are Creepy

My Stallion

Chapter 2—Mares are Creepy

“Uh…Caramel?”

“Yes, Rose?”

“Nightmare Night isn’t for another eight months. Why are you dressed like a mummy? And badly, too…” The cream-colored Earth pony rubbed her mane, thoroughly confused.

“I scraped up this foreleg while carrying this hay bale, and then I tripped right after and sprained this hind-leg.”

“Oh um…sorry, that should have been pretty obvious. So can you still work today? You only have two hooves left.” You have a firm grasp on the obvious once again, Rose.

“I think so—as long as I just sit somewhere and do the arranging there.”

An empty pink vase was set before him, and he picked out bundle of pansies, daisies, and cosmos as his material. Using his good hoof, he began his second favorite job in Equestria. He was paid by the hour, and earned a bonus if more than five ponies bought his arrangements in a day. He began working, choosing each flower carefully and inserting it into the sea-green foam.

Cosmos—peace. He placed lined the edges of the bell-shaped container with these pink flowers, making sure the stems were firmly planted into the foam. Daisies—innocence. He picked out a couple of yellow ones and placed these in the center of the vase, making a target shape. Pansies—unrequited love. Although the pansies before him came in yellows, purples, and even blues, he was strangely attracted to the red ones and filled in the empty space in the vase. He packed these in almost tightly to make sure there was no darkness—only shades of pink, yellow, and red.

Finally, he placed a single green leaf in the thick red ring of posies in the vase. It needed some green…

He leaned back to admire his work. Huh…with all the reds and yellows, looks kind of like Big Macintosh…it’s even got that pretty green eye. “Ugh!” he cried, realizing what he had just thought. He desperately wanted to pluck out all the flowers, but he couldn’t just yank them out again, as that would destroy the foam, which was quite expensive. Instead—with a blush on his face—he gave the vase to Rose, who accepted it and place it on the stands for ponies to buy.

“Hey!” she exclaimed, “This looks like Big Macintosh!”

“Oh really? I uh…I never noticed. Heh…”

“Yeah! It’s got that red, the yellow, and even the little spark of green in his eyes.”

“Oh, well now that you mention it…”

“Pansies! Well, this is perfect! I know plenty of mares whom this bouquet was made for.”

“What do you mean?” he asked, although he sort of knew the answer already.

“Well, all the mares love Big Macintosh, don’t they? Well, with the obvious exception of some of Ponyville’s more…filly-oriented individuals, but they can’t all have him!”

“Yeah…no one can have him.”

Rose scoffed. She reminds me of Rarity. “Well, some lucky mare’s going to get him someday!” If only I were…No—no, that’s silly.

“For Celestia’s sake, I would love to snag that bit of perfection. He’s just so sensitive and caring.” Yeah…yeah he his… “Plus, he has the most perfect physique!” Oh yeah… “Can you believe he’s never had a fillyfriend? I personally think it’s because of all that work on the farm. Anyways…what do you think?”

“He’s my best friend,” Caramel blurted out, putting extra emphasis on “friend.”

“Oh…oh! So does a certain colt here have his eyes set on such an eligible bachelor?”

“What? No…I’m not…” Caramel stuttered, taking a step back (although with difficulty due to his injuries).

“A coltcuddler? You may have everypony else fooled, but it’s quite obvious, my dear!”

Oh buck…buck…buck…buck…BUCK.

“How did you…know?” Caramel asked softly, refusing to look into her eyes.

“A stallion happily working at the florists’? Even Luna knows it. But don’t worry. Luna will keep your secret, and so will I.”

Caramel looked up to see Rose’s smile. “Thanks…” That was a close one…

“Okay, now get back to work, you flaming stalliosexual,” she winked.

The colt giggled and once again began the process of creating bouquets. Silly Rose…I don’t have a crush on Big Macintosh…I may be a coltcuddler, but that doesn’t mean I like every stallion. He would never feel the same way, though. Lucky mare, though—the one who gets him. He sighed. Ugh! I’m never going to get any work done like this! Stop thinking of your friend, and just go out there and dazzle everypony with your flowers!

The rest of the day was relatively uneventful. Within minutes, somepony had bought his “Big Macintosh” arrangement. Caramel made more arrangements and was pricked by the roses a total of only three times—a personal best. At the end of the day, Rose waved him out and he began the walk home.

When he arrived at his doorstep, there was a small basket with a red blanket over it. A little cautious, he uncovered the cloth to find an assortment of apple strudels and pies that nearly turned his mouth into a working replica of Yellowtail Falls. There was a note inside, although some of the sugar and apple jelly had smeared on it:

Caramel—

I hope you get better soon. In case you can’t cook for yourself, here’s some food. If you need anything, just tell me. Get well soon.
—Mac

D’aww…he’s so nice! Caramel opened the door and pushed the basket inside. After a quiet dinner with (thankfully) no cleanup, he began his nightly routines, including a difficult shower and struggled teeth-brushing.

As he climbed into bed, his mind filled with thoughts of a certain stallion. This imagination ran every night. He would think of a stallion—one who would care for him and hold him. He didn’t have a face; he barely had a body. He was an idea—a ghost of desire that flooded his every fiber. He fantasized about how wonderful it’d be to have somepony. He fantasized about how that stallion would be his perfect knight. Tonight, however, the stallion seemed to be more realistic. It seemed more material. It said “Eeyup.”

“Hi Caramel!” Derpy shouted, flying upside down with her mailbag hugged tightly on her stomach.

“Hi Derpy!” he said cheerfully, waving at her.

The gray pegasus was just leaving for her daily mail-route. Caramel’s route wasn’t daily. He operated on it twice a week, and shared it with two other ponies. I hope there isn’t too much today. I really want to go to Sweet Apple Acres again today. He picked up his mailbag from the office and began his route.

His hooves carried him across the west side of town, from the cottage off in the distance to the library. He usually saved the library for last (unless there happened to be a heavy shipment of books), for the librarian—Twilight Sparkle was her name—usually invited him inside to chat for awhile.

“Here’s your mail for today, Ms. Sparkle.”

“Oh, you don’t have to call me Ms. Sparkle! Just Twilight will do!” the purple unicorn exclaimed, “Well come in, Caramel! Would you like some tea? I was just finishing the most fascinating report on electric flux through higher dimensions.”

I love Twilight, but she really makes me feel kind of stupid sometimes. “Oh, that’s really interesting.”

“So!” she said after levitating a white cup over to him and sitting down on the wooden floor, “How have the recent events in your life been unfolding? Do pray tell.”

“Well…all I did this morning was delivering the mail. I think I’ll go to Sweet Apple Acres later.”

“Oh! When you do, say hi to Applejack for me.”

“I will.” Caramel took a ginger sip from his cup, before scalding his tongue on the hot amber liquid. He set the cup down again and pushed it further away from him. Twilight didn’t seem to notice.

“Do you ever see Big Macintosh around?” Her voice became quiet, almost like a whisper, forcing the tan stallion to lean forward slightly to hear what she was saying.

“Uh…yeah. He’s in charge of what work I do when I volunteer.”

“Does he ever talk about me?”

“Um…not really…no…actually, not at all…he barely talks if it’s not work-related.”

“Oh.” She seemed slightly disappointed. “Well, does he ever talk about his personal life? His hobbies? His family? His [cough] marefriend?”

“Not really…he doesn’t really reveal much about himself. But I do know he doesn’t have a marefriend.”

“Okay, I was just curious. Nothing to it!” the unicorn said, leaning back and resuming her normal volume. “I really must get back to studying. There’s a certain dating book that has captured my attention and requires my immediate perusing!”

This left Caramel awkwardly sitting on the floor. He slowly got up and exited. Well that was weird. One good thing about being a coltcuddler: I don’t have to deal with mares.

Caramel began his walk home after dropping off his mailbag at the office. He was slightly confused. What’s with this whole Big Macintosh craze? It’s as if everypony were suddenly in love with him or something. I wish everypony would just stop talking about him! He’s just a bucking farm-pony and nopony should give a flying feather what he does on the farm. Nopony should give any bucks that he’s never had a marefriend. And nopony should care in the slightest about how he’s so sensitive and caring and protective and kind and sweet and friendly and courteous and loyal and self-disciplined, and how he has the most perfect muscular body but with the softest belly and how he’s so strong and beautiful and amazing and how he’s the image of perfection in every way and BUCK BUCK BUCK.
I like Big Macintosh. No, buck that. I’m bucking in love with him.

What Ponies Wallow In

My Stallion

Chapter 3—What Ponies Wallow In

For the next few weeks, Caramel tortured himself. One night, the mystery pony of his fantasies turned red. On another night, it grew a yellow mane and tail. Then, the green eyes and freckles. He fantasized every night about that perfect stallion. Sometimes he cried when he realized he could never have him—never.

Rose noticed something was wrong when his flower arrangements were filled with dark colors and depressed symbols. She was only able to sell them because of an upcoming funeral. Even though his hooves were better, she could tell that there was something in his mind that broke along the way.

“Bye, Rose. I’ll see you on Thursday.”

“Hold on there, Caramel. Can I talk to you?”

He stopped at the doorway and paused for what seemed like a couple of minutes. He slowly walked backwards, backtracking until he met Rose again. “What is it?” His voice had lost all of the brightness that it held before. His voice was usually like a set of wind chimes, ringing with happiness and high-pitched dings. Now, it was like a soft gong, emanating out in a low, depressing sound.

“Okay, come here, sit down, and tell Rosy all about what’s bothering you.”

“Nothing’s bothering me.”

“Caramel…” Rose put a hoof to her forehead. “I know something’s wrong, okay? For the third week in a row, you’ve made funeral bouquets—funeral. I want to stress that part. If truly nothing is wrong, then I’ll eat a block of foam. Now tell me what’s wrong.”

Caramel’s lower lip quivered for a moment. Suddenly, all the emotions that he had been trying to squeeze into a little box burst out and he exploded in tears. “I…I…You…You were right!” he bawled. “I do love him…”

“Who…?” She gasped. “Big Macintosh?!”

Caramel only nodded, continuing his excellent impression of Yellowtail Falls.

“Oh…it’s okay…” Rose said, wrapping her hooves around the shaking yellow colt.

“Have you told him yet? Or asked him out?”

Caramel violently shook his head, almost knocking out the mare. “He’ll…he’ll hate me…and…”

“You have nothing to lose!”

“I have everything to lose!” he shouted, almost becoming angry. His eyes were red and he was shaking and gasping very frequently. “He is my everything…” Maybe I’m being a little too melodramatic…

“You need to tell him, Caramel. You know I’m right. You’re just going to feel worse if you bottle it up inside.”

“What if…What happens when he says no?”

“Then you come tell me and we’ll deal with it if—if that happens.”

Caramel remained silent. He was shaking less and less, and his sobs had died down to occasional sniffles. The sky was already dark by then. “I’m going to take you home, okay? I don’t want you walking home alone.”

Caramel nodded in thanks.

The small stallion lay in bed, tossing and turning, folding up the sheets and still occasionally inundating them with tears. He hugged his pillow, wishing that it was actually a red stallion. He’d never felt like this before, and he wanted it to end. Rose was right. As much as I hate to admit it…I have to tell him…I have to get it over with. I know he’ll say no…But…isn’t there a chance he’ll say yes? Didn’t Twilight once say something about Bayesian probability and how that—no, never mind, that doesn’t apply here. But still…couldn’t he say yes?

Caramel focused on the small chance of an affirmative response from the stallion. He hoped and hoped and found that a small sliver of what could possibly come to fruition was a comfort to him. It was unlikely, sure. But there was always a chance. He’s never had a marefriend. That could mean that he’s…like me… His heart lifted a little. Outside his family, he really only talks to me. The corners of his muzzle twitched upward. We’ve had so much history together. He formed a smile. And no matter what happens, we’ll still be friends. The harrowing in his heart disappeared. He lay back down on his pillow and sighed with content, complacent with himself. I’ll tell him tomorrow.

Caramel spent the whole morning making himself presentable. He took three showers in fear that the first two were inadequate in cleaning off his body. He had gotten so worked up over getting dirt off of him, that he tried for nearly half an hour to get rid of a light brown spot on his coat before realizing that was his natural color. He brushed his teeth and rinsed six times, each time for a longer time than the last. He became frustrated with his hair because it was impossible to shape and he thought it made him appear “phony.”

After he felt ready—or more accurately, after Rose had knocked on his door as a reminder to go see Big Macintosh—he left his house and set out for Sweet Apple Acres. By the time he left, Celestia’s sun was already at its highest point, just after noon. With a special bouquet that Caramel had made just for the occasion, he ambled down the path, each step quickening his heart rate. Oh this is so nerve-racking! How am I going to say it? “Hi, Mac, I love you and I’ve loved you for awhile now. Please go out with me!” No, that sounds too desperate. “Mac, will you go out with me?” Too plain. “Mac, it all started many years ago when you caught me admiring your apples. But I was really admiring you.” Too cliché. “Mac, are you a coltcuddler? Because if you are, we should totally go out and all, especially because of my undying love for you that’s more intense than a million stars.” Way too blunt. Or exaggeration-y

His preparation did not prepare him for the fact that he had already arrived at the farm. He spotted Applejack planting apple seeds, but didn’t see the subject of his adoration anywhere in his central nor peripheral vision. “Howdy, sugarcube, haven’t seen y’all in awhile.”

“Erm…hi Applejack…” Maybe she knows where Mac is.

“Uh…Caramel? Ya know that Ah’m dating Fluttershy, right? Ah mean, you’re a nice colt and all, but Ah’m not interested. Sorry, sugarcube. No hard feelings?”

Caramel stood still, trying to figure out what had prompted such a confusing set of sentences. Then, the realization hit him like a dodgeball to the cheek. “Oh…uh…I’m sorry! These aren’t for you…” he said apologetically, gesturing to his flowers.

“Oh…sorry for the confusion there…who’re they for?” Applejack’s eyes narrowed. “They’re not for Applebloom, are they? She’s way too young to start datin’ yet!”

“No! I mean! It’s not for her, either!” I gotta find Mac. “Totally unrelated, but do you know where Big Macintosh is?”

“Er…yeah, he’s in the barn. But why do you—”

“Thanks!” Caramel said, speed-walking away. He desperately wanted to run to the barn, but resisted from doing so, for that would cause him to perspire more than he wanted to.

“I wonder what that colt’s up to?” Applejack thought, “He probably didn’t mean Granny Smith, so that leaves…Oh horseapples!” She ran off to find Caramel.
Meanwhile, the tan stallion leaned against the door of the barn, having a miniature panic attack. His hooves were shaking and his heart wasn’t beating anymore—it was vibrating. His teeth clashed against each other despite the absence of a daisy sandwich. Okay, relax. It’s just a confession! NO! It’s not a confession! That’s a bad word! It’s—it’s just a friendly conversation! Yeah, one where I reveal my unconditional love for him! That’s it! It’s just a friendly conversation where I reveal my unconditional love for him. Why is this not calming me down?! Okay…when I count back to zero, I’ll go inside and tell him.
Ten…Nine…Eight…Seven…Six…Five…Four…Three…Two…One…Zero…Negative One…Negative Two…Negative Th—Stop stalling! He took a few big breaths and pushed the door open with one big push. Okay, the door’s open. There’s no way out but forward.

“Hi Mac, can we talk?” he asked.

“Can it wait?” the red stallion said softly.

His eyes adjusted to the lower levels of light inside the barn and he suddenly wished they hadn’t. “Oh buck!” Applejack cursed as she arrived, panting, “Ah tried to warn y’all that…” Her voice died in her throat when her vision had accommodated to the lighting as well.
Right in the middle of the barn, lying on a large mound of hay, was Big Macintosh. Lying on top of him was Twilight Sparkle, who still had a red ear in her mouth. They both froze in surprise at the sudden intrusion. The unicorn released her hold on it and closed her mouth.
Caramel’s eyes watered and his grip on the bouquet of flowers weakened more and more until it disappeared, and the bundle of red and yellow petals fell to the ground with a soft rustle.

“Um…this certainly is awkward…” Twilight said, looking down.

“Eeyup.”

“Oh horseapples, Ah didn’t make it in time.”

Twilight slid down, off of the stallion’s back and approached Caramel. “I uh…I didn’t know you felt this way about me, Caramel. I guess that does explain why you like coming in for tea so much. I’m sorry you had to find out like this.”

Caramel stood still, tears slowly rolling down his cheek. No other part of his body moved, with the exception of his heart, which was pounding to the point of fracture. Twilight continued, “I should have known, and I should have told you everything that was going on. I’ve liked Big Macintosh for awhile now, and I’m really sorry! I hope this doesn’t change things between us, but I know they will…If you don’t want to talk to me for awhile, I’d understand that. Or, if you want to run away now, that’s fine, too.”

Caramel had already run out the door, leaving tiny droplets behind that stained the dirt. Despite the crepuscular rays that shined down upon him, the world was dark—darker than Luna’s night, and darker than space. He ran all the way home, not caring about the puddles he stepped in, the bushes he ran through, and the ponies and crashed into. He just wanted to be home.

He slammed the door shut and flopped down on his couch. He finally opened his mouth, closed his eyes, and cried. He cried, and cried. For what seemed like days to him, he heaved and whimpered and whined and moaned. His sobs echoed around the room and then back into his ears. He thought about all the times he had hoped for a happy ending, all the fantasies he had, and all the dreams. They were all worthless—every single one of them. They meant nothing. They had no sustenance. They were ghosts of what could never be. He had no chance from the beginning. Mac wasn’t even like him, and he would never belong to him. He could never be wrapped in the red stallion’s forelegs, hear him say endearments, or feel his lips on his cheek.

According to Twilight, there’s a universe somewhere where we could be together forever. Oh Twilight! How could you?! I thought you were my friend! He gave a shuddering gasp. No, that’s not fair to her. It’s not her fault. And Mac wouldn’t like me anyways if he liked her. I hope you’re happy with her. Because I know I’ll never be happy with you, without you, or ever again.

His thoughts wrapped around in a loop, going through his violent sobs of sadness, to his wistfulness of what he wished could have been, to hatred for the meretricious Twilight, to berating himself for hating her, and back to the wallowing again.

I wish I could just die. I mean it this time. I should just kill myself. Maybe Mac will be happier without me. I know he doesn’t need me. He probably hates me. He probably told Twilight that he hated me. Why should I be here anymore? I don’t anything to live for anymore. I can’t go back to Sweet Apple Acres anymore. I can’t go to the library. I don’t have any friends left, except for Rose and Derpy. Oh, and Lyra…but they don’t know what it feels like…No…I’m being melodramatic again…I can’t kill myself…I can’t even do that…maybe I really do deserve to die, even if I can’t do it myself.
There was a knock on his door. Unbeknownst to the yellow colt, he had forgotten to lock the door in his hazy and desperate marathon of sadness. After a few knocks, the door had opened by itself and in came the intruder. Actually, in came the two intruders.

I Live in a Hick Town

My Stallion

Chapter 4—I Live in a Hick Town

“And Twilight was with him? Twilight?!”

“Ah told you, it was Twilight!”

“Oh my…this is quite detrimental! Caramel’s been depressed for weeks, and I finally convinced him to tell Mac his feelings, and this happens. Oh, this isn’t good.”

“Ah know…Twilight feels awful, poor filly. She thinks it’s her fault, that she shoulda told Caramel that she liked Big Macintosh sooner. Ah didn’t have the heart to tell her that he wasn’t actually in love with her.”

“I’m going to check on Caramel. He’s quite fragile, and I’d hate to see him all sad and solitary.”

“Ah’ll come with ya. Maybe Ah can help.”

Rose knocked on the door. There was no answer, except for the faint sound of cries and whimpers. “Oh Luna, he’s really sad…”

“Ah’d be sad, too, if I caught Fluttershy with another mare.” Applejack nudged Rose aside. “Let me try.” She knocked again, harder than Rose did. To their surprise, the door creaked open. It wasn’t latched on properly; nor was it locked. “Ya think he’ll mind if we go in?”

“Desperate times call for desperate measures.”

“Caramel!” they both called out into the dark room. The sun had gone home, and Luna’s orb had begun its shift. The moonlight was blocked out by the curtains, which Caramel had purposely closed so nopony could see his wallowing. Applejack ran her hoof along the walls until she found the switch.

The room was suddenly bathed in yellow light. To the left was a small television. In the center of the living room was a coffee table with magazines on it. Rose blushed when she saw the slightly more suggestive ones in the stack. Further off was the hallway, which turned a corner and out of sight. To the right was what they had been looking for—Caramel lay on the fuzzy dark blue couch. His face was buried in his forelegs, his hind legs were tucked in under his body, and he was still sobbing.

“Hey buddy…” Rose said gently, sitting down on the ground next to him and putting a hoof on his shoulder, “There are lots of stallions out there.” She coughed. “Well okay, maybe not in Ponyville, but I just know you’ll find somepony someday.”

“She’s right,” Applejack added as she sat down as well, “That silly pony Mac just doesn’t know what he’s missin’. You’re a wonderful colt, Caramel. You’re a hard worker, you’re kind, and you’re also cuter than a pickle in July.”

“You don’t get it,” Caramel choked, “He was my first…”

“First…?”

“The first pony I’ve ever had a crush on.”

“You’ve never had a crush on anypony?!” Applejack exclaimed. Rose slapped her other hoof into the orange Earth pony’s mouth. Applejack removed it and continued, “Sorry…It’s just that Ah rarely see a full-grown stallion that’s so…pure…” Rose smiled at the last word.

“Ah actually got to get back to the farm. Ah’ll be sure to have a talk with that ditzy big brother of mine, and Twilight, too. Ah’ll let ‘em know that you’re not really interested in Twilight. G’night, Caramel. Y’all take care of yourself.” With that, she put on her hat again and left, closing the door behind her.

Rose continued to comfort Caramel until his sobs became soft whines, and she stayed until these whines also disappeared. “Are you hungry, Caramel?”

He shook his head.

“You know what you need? And I know you might think it’s kind of soon, but…I think you need a stallion.”

“I don’t want a stallion. I just want—”

“I know I know! You want Mac. But you saw what happened today. And I think you’d be happier with another colt anyways. I know a somepony who just might be interested, okay? If you’re up for it, I can set up a date for you. I know you might still have feelings for Mac, but you really need somepony in your life. And since he was your first crush, I think you need to broaden your horizons. And I think you’ll like him. He’s really funny. His name’s Thunderlane.”

Caramel didn’t say anything, so Rose took his silence as an “I’ll think about it.”

“I’ll let you mull it over. If you need anything, just say so. I’ll come back tomorrow.” She left.

She’s right. I do need somepony. Rose is always right. I wish I could date Rose. She’s such a good friend. But no, I have to be a bucking coltcuddler. There aren’t any stallions around. Who the buck is Thunderlane? He’s no Big Macintosh…but…I can’t have Big Macintosh…He felt another wave of sadness rush over him, but it disappeared as quickly as it came.

“Should I go out with Thunderlane?” he asked the air. He reached over and pulled out one of his magazines. He suddenly realized which one was on top of the stack, and he hoped to Celestia that neither Rose nor Applejack noticed it.

This stallion’s hot. He’s probably a jerk, though. Just like Big Mac. No, Mac’s not a jerk…I’m just deflecting…He started flipping through the pages. I know I saw this big article on dating earlier. I didn’t have time to read it before. Okay, I wasn’t interested in it before, but maybe it has something about going out with someone you don’t love? I doubt it, but still. Plus, it’ll take my mind off of things.

He flipped to a page with a computer-generated image of two colts…well…cuddling… The text began on the next page:

“If you’re like me, you get lonely sometimes, and a one-night-stand just won’t cut it. It’s time for a long-term relationship. If you’re lucky, then you live in a large modern city such as Canterlot or Fillydelphia. With a higher population, statistics are on your side, and it becomes much easier to find a stalliosexual. As long as you don’t live in some rural, provincial village like Ponyville or Appleloosa, you should be fine.

“Identifying a coltcuddler can be daunting. While some are what I call ‘flaming,’ others seem to be completely masculine and show no signs of stalliosexuality. Since it is so difficult to know just by seeing or interacting, ask!

“Getting that first date can also be a point of issue for many ponies. The first thing to make sure of is that your pony of interest is currently single. Nothing is more awkward than the ‘I already have a coltfriend’ response. So how do you ask him out? Well, these follow the normal rules of dating. Some advice that I always give stallions is this: You’re not in high school anymore, and there really is no need for an elaborate scheme. That being said, you should still be courteous and show your interest in him. Of course, if it’s a blind date, then the first step of asking is done for you. Otherwise, just be kind and polite. If you ask at the right time, and you maintain an air of confidence yet kindness, then stallions will generally agree, even if they initially have no feelings for you. If he refuses, however, it’s no big deal. Just dust yourself off and try again. There’s no reason to let one, or even ten no’s make you lose your hope for the one yes you’ve been waiting for.

“When the time comes, the first date itself is the largest hump in any relationship—no pun intended. If there’s one thing that ponies really need to know, regardless of their sexuality, is that they need to be confident! There’s no such thing as sound advice for a first date except to be yourself! If you’re compatible, then things will be great. Otherwise, move on and find another stallion.”

The article continued for another page, but Caramel had lost interest. It’s no big deal, huh…somehow I doubt that…But that last line really struck a chord—or three—inside of him. Move on and find another stallion. Maybe that’s what I should do…Caramel let out a few more sobs before taking a couple of deep breaths. He felt better…but only barely.

“Alright, Rose. I’ll go out with Thunderlane.”

She giggled. “I knew it. Your date’s tonight.”

“What?! How could you possibly schedule it? You just found out I wanted to two seconds ago!”

“Call it my Rosy Sense,” she winked, “but then again, you’re quite predictable.”

Caramel looked down.

“Hey, it’s okay! You’ll have a great time tonight!” She handed over a slip of paper with an address on it. “Come here at six, and don’t dress up. Look for the gray pegasus with thundercloud cutie mark.”

“Thanks, Rose,” he said, voice filled with dejection.

Rose sighed. “Okay, I know it hurts. I really do, a long time ago, somepony broke up with me, and I kept thinking about him. It just wouldn’t go away. But then I started dating again, and even though I’m single, I’m happy with it. I’m happy with myself. And you should be, too.”

“Okay…I’ll give it a shot.” Caramel managed to pull out a smile—the first one in two days. “Thanks.”

“Better!”

Caramel left the shop; he didn’t have any work today, anyways. Normally, he’d be going to Sweet Apple Acres, but he knew that wouldn’t be a good idea. Even though he knew he could never be with the one he loved and it hurt every time he reminded himself of it, he felt…lighter. Even though his mind was still imbued with the image of Big Macintosh, he knew he had to move on, and he finally accepted it. Instead, he went home and decided to finally read that magazine he’d been meaning to. And now for little me-time.

Two hours behind a locked door later, Caramel threw the soiled magazine away, slightly disgusted at himself. I’m a monster… He shook his head, and in doing so, he caught sight of the clock. Oh buck! He rushed to ready himself for his first date. He started brushing his teeth, when a de-motivational string of thoughts hit him. Why bother? It’s my first date, but it doesn’t feel special. It should feel special. It’d feel special with Mac. He put down his toothbrush, forwent the shower, and just left.

He contemplated picking up some flowers for Thunderlane. He did have a full discount at Rose’s shop, anyways. But something inside of him told him it wasn’t right. Maybe it was the part of him that still loved Big Macintosh. But then again, that was every part of him.

He entered the restaurant alone. He halfway expected Rose to see him off, but she wasn’t there. Might as well try and have fun.

Stallions are Creepy, Too

My Stallion

Chapter 5—Stallions are Creepy, Too

The room was brightly lit, and well-dressed waiters and waitresses trotted around the tiled floor, carrying silver platters of food on their backs or levitated them with magic. The circular tables with white tablecloths were scattered, yet ubiquitous. Ponies ate and chatted, and the whole scene brimmed with complacency. On a table off the side, a gray pegasus with a thundercloud on his flanks sat with his head in his hoof.

Catching sight of a tan Earth pony with horseshoes as his cutie mark, he lifted his head and waved cheerily.

“Hi, I’m Thunderlane.”

“Caramel,” he said, extending his hoof to wave, but instead received a pair of lips on it.

“Rose was right, you are a cutie.”

Oh…he thinks I’m cute…that’s…well, that’s nice of him, I guess… “You are quite…attractive…yourself,” he said, extemporizing.

“I know,” he said, winking. I can’t tell if he’s kidding or actually that arrogant. Mac would never be like that. He’s so straightforward. I don’t have to guess with him at all. Caramel shook his head. Bad thoughts! Stop thinking about him!

“You okay there, sweetie?”

“Um, yeah…”

“I already ordered for you, so don’t worry about it.”

“Oh, thanks…” What a chauvinistic jerk! Nah, that’s mean. I’ll give him a chance.

“Is your mane naturally like that? It looks kind of weird.”

Weird?! Fine! You’re too straightforward! Oh, I hate you! Caramel opened his mouth to tell him off.

“Caramel?!” came a voice from behind him. He immediately turned around to see Applejack and Fluttershy.

“Oh…hi Applejack, Fluttershy,” he said.

“Who’s this?” Applejack asked kindly.

“I’m his date!” Thunderlane proclaimed proudly, slapping his hoof on his chest.

“Date? Oh shoot! Ah forgot to talk to Big Macintosh and Twilight! Ah’ll be back, Flutter,” she said, kissing her marefriend on the cheek and running off.

“Oh…I didn’t mean to ruin your date…”

“Oh it’s quite alright. We were just having dinner. And you know Applejack…she um…she doesn’t like leaving things unfinished…” Fluttershy left and took her seat at another table.

Caramel turned back to Thunderlane, who was giving him winks and air kisses. I guess this is a nice gesture…I’ve never really had a stallion give me attention like this before… Their food arrived at that moment. A pink mare with a purple mane levitated two platters of food onto their table. “Here is the daisy salad, and here is the hay and carrot thermidor. Will there be anything else?”

“Eenope. Thanks.”

Caramel lifted his head in hope, snapping his head right and left, scanning the restaurant for any hint of a red stallion. His eyes finally found Thunderlane, who was grinning. He instantly disliked him even more. “You going to eat your carrots, or do I have to feed them to you? Because I know I’ll be feeding you a carrot later on tonight, anyway,” he winked.

The tan stallion decided to let his “date” know that he didn’t plan on doing anything like that. Maybe I’m giving off the wrong vibes. “Um, Thunderlane?”

“Yes, my Rubenesque colt?”

“I really appreciate all the compliments, and I do enjoy the attention you’re giving me, but do you think you could scale it back a little? You’re making me a little bit uncomfortable…” And did he just call me Rubenesque? I…guess…that’s a compliment…I mean…it’s not meant as an insult…is it?

“Um…Caramel?” came a soft voice behind him, “Do you think I could talk to you for a minute? If you want to, that is?”

“Sure, Fluttershy,” he said, happy to get away from Thunderlane for awhile. He followed the yellow mare back to her table, where Applejack was still absent. “What is it that you wanted to tell me?”

“Do you like Thunderlane?” she asked timidly.

“Um…not particularly, no.”

“I can tell…”

“You can?” Caramel’s eyes opened wider. He had hoped that he was being polite and kind, just as the magazine had said.

“You keep casting him these…looks…and I think he’s mistaking them for…flirting…”

“Oh… that would explain his…sordidness…”

“Sordidness? I can also tell you’ve been talking to Twilight” she giggled.

“Not anymore…”

“Oh, why not?” she asked, concerned.

He stole my stallion from me. “We had a dispute over…somepony.”

“Who was it? It wasn’t me, was it?” She ducked under the table momentarily, fearful of all the attention she was getting.

“It wasn’t you, Fluttershy. It was…Big Macintosh, okay?” he said, blushing, and feeling another wave of sadness.

“What did you disagree on? I mean, if you feel okay with telling me.”

Is she really making me do this? Oh well, I might was well come out now…I’m having a date in public after all—if I can call it a date. “We both love him, okay?”

“But that’s wonderful! You should be agreeing on—oh…as in love love?”

Caramel nodded. “Love love.”

“But you’re here with Thunderlane, so…oh no! I’m so sorry, Caramel!” she cried, placing a hoof gently on top of his.

“It’s okay. I know we can’t ever be, so…I’m trying to get over it.” And it’s not working. Thunderlane’s just making me love Macintosh more. Juxtaposition is Magic.

“It’s interesting, though…I actually know that Twilight prefers stallions that are very open and forward, even ambitious. Well, I guess she likes Big Macintosh anyways. Okay, well, if you need anything, just talk to me or Applejack, but I imagine that she already knows.”

“She was actually trying to warn me before I went and found them out, but she was too late.”

“Just know that we’re both here for you if you need us, okay? Now don’t keep your date waiting. And give him a chance, even if you don’t like him now. Sometimes things can’t be perfect, but you can fall in love with somepony just the same,” she smiled.

Caramel returned the smile and trotted back to Thunderlane. I guess he deserves another chance.

“What took you so long, sweetie?”

“Just talking about how my day went.”

“Please tell me something sexy happened.”

“Um…” Should I tell him about the clopping? Hey, wait! This is a first date! Why is he…Oh Celestia… “No, not particularly.”

Thunderlane had finished his food and was waiting for Caramel to finish his. While munching on a carrot, he felt something lightly touch his hoof. What was that? Probably a bug or something. He shook his hind leg to get the insect to escape.

Suddenly, the touching continued. It wasn’t a bug. The tickle turned into a rub, and he glanced under the table. A gray hoof was rubbing his hind leg almost sensually. He looked up in confusion and annoyance and saw an expression of what he considered to be utter sleaze. “Yeah, you like that, you little filly?”

“Stop it, Thunderlane!” Caramel whispered. He didn’t want to attract attention.

“Okay, geez. Playing hard to get, huh?” he said, winking. He made the wink extremely obvious, as if he were trying to shut his eye so tight that it stuck.

I’m not having fun with this…he keeps…doing stuff! And…oh, Mac would never do this to me…Stupid sexy Twilight...What does he even see in her? No, no, I have to move on…
Caramel’s thoughts were interrupted by a very special feeling—one that he hadn’t felt for a couple of hours. But this time, he wasn’t the one doing it. The tickle began from his hoof again, but this time, in one quick stroke, everything began festering in his special areas. His eyes closed in ecstasy and his mind blanked out like a shaken Etch-a-Sketch. He let out a little moan.

“Guess I found my colt’s special little spot, huh?”

Caramel’s eyes snapped open. He raised a hoof and in one quick stroke, slapped the offending pegasus across the right cheek. The rest of the dining establishment started, and the sound of dropping cutlery on plates began. Sadly, nopony could hear the symphony of metal on glass because of all the gasps from the audience.

It was hard to distinguish whether Thunderlane’s mouth or eyes were open wider. “Oh my,” Fluttershy gasped. The conversation in the building had been extinguished as every single pony paid their patronage to table twenty-three.

“Every. Single. One,” Caramel said softly, his voice dripping with danger. His head was down and he refused to look the pegasus in the eye.

“Every single what?” he asked, slightly terrified.

“I gave you every single chance!” he screamed, staring directly into the window to Thunderlane’s soul. “You insult me, you make your…moves on me, and you violate me! I’m sick of it! I’m sick of you! I can’t believe I agreed to this!”

Even though it was Caramel dishing out all the verbal violence, it was he who was the one that was truly hurt. His doubt and betrayal simmered in his mind the entire day, and it had finally reached its boiling point. Tears dripped onto his empty plate, and Thunderlane cowered in his chair. “I hate you, Dunderbrain! I hate you!”

With that, Caramel ran out the door, leaving behind a myriad of confused ponies, although the most confused was probably Thunderlane. Why couldn’t he be more like Mac? I give up. I can’t have anypony else. I just want Mac. Just him…there’s nopony else than can replace him. I shouldn’t have tried to. I love him, and him alone. And there’s nopony in Equestria that could make me change my mind. I’m through. I’m done. I don’t want to do this anymore.
I try, and I try, and I try so hard to make everything work. I give myself hope, and this is what bucking happens. I try to think, “Oh well, I have to move on.” If moving on means giving up on my only dream to be with a jerk like Thunderlane, then there really isn’t a point. I’m going to live my life lonely, and there’s nothing I can do. If there’s any hope left in me, then I hope that my life ends soon. I want to die.

Caramel’s running slowed down to a walk after he became too tired to continue. He had stopped in front of Rose’s house.

The cream-colored mare opened the door to a sobbing colt—one that she had dealt with a record number of times that week. “It was a bad idea!” he cried, “I want Mac!”

Rose hesitated before saying, “I know…I know, Caramel.” She stopped herself before she could tell him that he couldn’t have him.

I hate everypony, but I think I hate myself the most.

Faith in Ponykind Restored

My Stallion

Chapter 6—Faith in Ponykind Restored

For the next ten minutes, Caramel poured his heart out to Rose, telling all about his desire for Mac and Mac alone. He told her about how Thunderlane was an absolute jerk who didn’t respect him at all, and how he could only think about Mac the entire day.

Rose closed her front door and sat down with the stallion on the front steps, comforting him. Once the crying had subsided, Rose pulled him close. “I’m sorry, Caramel. I didn’t know Thunderlane was so…perverted…he’s usually very nice to everypony.”

“I should go back and apologize,” Caramel sniffled, “I was really mean to him.”

“It’s not your fault.”

I can’t help but think that it actually is. “I want to go back and apologize to him.”

“That’s…very chivalrous of you…”

“And um…thanks, Rose…” he gave a shuddering gasp.

“Whatever for?” she asked with a smile.

“For…for being such a good friend this week.”

“I know you’d do the same for me. Are you sure you want to go back? There’s no guarantee he’s still there.”

“I still want to try.”

He walked back to the restaurant alone.

When he arrived, the level of chatter sunk into an abyss, and all eyes were on him. He could hear the whispers: “Is that the guy that went crazy?” “The nerve he has coming back!” “Is he okay now?” “They shouldn’t let him inside!”

“Thunderlane?”

“There you are…listen, I’m sorry…”

“You’re sorry?” Okay, well I guess he does have reason to be.

“I was a total jerk, and I should have known that you’re not that kind of pony. I shouldn’t have…objectified you.” He glanced over at Fluttershy, who nodded with a smile.

“Apology accepted. And um…I’m sorry I was so rude to you. To be honest, this whole thing was sort of on a rebound. My mind was somewhere else, and I didn’t give you the chance you deserve.”

At that moment, Applejack rushed in, short of breath and with a mane that could have passed for a frayed rope. Slightly confused at the fact that everypony was staring at the stallion couple, she approached them with caution, as if they were going to explode at any moment.

“Er…hey, Caramel. Ah hope Ah ain’t interruptin’ anything.”

Caramel turned to her. “No, you’re fine.”

“Ah told Big Macintosh and Twilight. She really feels bad about this whole deal, and they were still discussing this thing when they left. To be honest, Ah think things just might work out. Judgin’ by the stares you two are getting, Ah suppose your date went great?”

“Just the opposite, actually,” said Fluttershy.

“Oh…Ah’m sorry, Caramel.”

“It’s okay, Applejack.”

“Why do Ah always arrive late?”

“Well, coming early isn’t always the best trait,” Fluttershy said softly.

“You dirty filly!” Applejack said with glee.

Looks like things worked out well for them from the start. I wish I could have love like that…I guess I should go home and wallow some more. He left the restaurant without another word, letting the level of comfort rise back up to normal levels among the diners.

I guess I’m just doomed to be lonely for the rest of my life.

He was not two blocks from the restaurant when a flash of purple light blinded him. There was a sudden loud bang, and the dark shadows of two ponies approached him. Before his eyes could adjust back to the darkness of Luna’s night, a pair of hooves held him tightly. He screamed. “Help! Help! I’m being mugged! Oh Celestia help me please!” He was on the verge of crying and begging for mercy. He squirmed and tried to wrestle his way out of his attacker’s grip, but he was too weak.

“Wait, no! It’s me, Twilight!”

The urge to cry and beg did not diminish. What does she want? He stopped struggling. “Hi Twilight…” he said softly. The purple unicorn let him go and opened her mouth to say something.

Nothing happened. No sound came out. Caramel was sure that a bug would eventually fly into her mouth if she kept this up. Finally, something came out—but not from her mouth.

She started crying. Caramel stood still, not knowing whether to comfort her or leave her alone. A red stallion put her hoof around the sobbing unicorn.

Mac! Caramel stepped back, knowing he should stay away from the stallion for his own good. “Mac…” he whispered.

“I’m sorry,” Twilight suddenly said.

Apology not accepted. “Whatever for?” Caramel asked, taken aback.

“Applejack…Applejack came and she talked to us, and I…Oh, I didn’t know you felt this strongly about him!” She continued crying, but was making an active effort in stemming the tears. It took a couple of minutes, but she got there in the end. Meanwhile, Caramel continued his stolid stance.

“I um…okay…I’m okay now…Let me tell you what happened, okay?” She took a deep breath and composed herself. Caramel was surprised at how calm she sounded.

“One day, Rainbow Dash came to the library, as she does from time to time. Usually, she just checks out a Daring Do book and leaves immediately, but sometimes she stays and we converse. That day was one of those times. This was about a month ago, so the snow was still very thick, and we stayed inside, talking.

“Our confabulation continued until she broached the topic of dating. I’m sure it happens a lot. There might be a corollary to Godwin’s Law about this, but anyways. She told me that she was looking for a nice mare to settle down with, and she gossiped a little about Applejack and Fluttershy. Then she asked me if I had anypony in my ‘love radar,’ as she articulated it. I confessed that I didn’t exactly have my eye set on anypony, and she suggested Big Macintosh.

“The more I thought about the idea, the more it grew on me. But it was never more than just a schoolfilly crush. I mean, I knew I liked him as a good friend, and I toyed with the notion of having him as my coltfriend, but I never felt true love for him.”

She turned to the red stallion. “No offense, Mac, but you’re not really my type.”

“Then why did you…ask him out?” Caramel asked.

“Let me finish. I’ll get to that part. Anyways, I started thinking about him more and more, but I now realize that it wasn’t the idea of Big Macintosh that I liked; it was the idea of having somepony. I…I didn’t feel the true love that you feel for him, Caramel.

“Remember when I asked you if he talked about me? Well, I just wanted to know if he liked me or not. When you said he didn’t, I knew that either he kept it secret, or he did not have any feelings for me. That was when I started reading these dating advice books. I still have the notes that I took. I also asked Fluttershy—Applejack is a good friend, but I think her marefriend has better relationship advice. Anyways, she said that I should ask out somepony even if he doesn’t have feelings for me at first, because he could eventually love me in the end. She didn’t know who he was.

“In a few weeks, I had gathered enough information on romance, asking somepony out, flirting, and dating from my research. I also compiled them into a set of portable notes through cross-referencing and appendices. I went to Sweet Apple Acres and I asked him out. The books said that confidence is key, so I didn’t bother sugar-coating it.

“To be honest, he said no at first. He refused. I should have known something was wrong because I didn’t feel all that bad inside. It hurt slightly that somepony didn’t want to be my coltfriend, but I didn’t care very much. I was going to leave right then and there, but he called me back and said yes.

“So, we ‘went out,’ as the term is used. We cuddled and had dinner and kissed, but…there was no spark. My books said that there was supposed to be a spark, and there wasn’t one. I just attributed it to my false perception that you, Caramel, had a crush on me, and I simply felt guilty.

“Then, tonight, Applejack told me what really happened. Oh Caramel, I’m so sorry! I didn’t know I was causing you this much pain! When she told me how much you cried, I knew that I didn’t love Mac. You do, Caramel. I never felt this…devotion to him, but you do. I never cared for him this much, but you do.

“I didn’t know what to do, so Mac and I talked about it. I also sent quick letter to Princess Celestia to ask for her advice. Luckily, she received it and sent a reply within two minutes. Our final decision agreed with her advice. Caramel, take good care of him.

“I know you love him, and that’s more than what I ever felt for him. We already discussed this, and we’re both complacent with this decision. I’m really sorry, Caramel. I hope we can still be friends after this.”

Caramel hadn’t moved since Twilight’s long-winded monologue began, but tears had been sliding down his muzzle for awhile now. She’s…giving him to me? Just like that? She’s giving up on the most perfect stallion ever? I…I appreciate her thinking of me, and I appreciate her sympathy, but how could she? She’s treating him like…an object! Like she owned him! Just like…Thunderlane…
“It doesn’t matter anyways,” he said softly, “He doesn’t love me. If he loved me, he wouldn’t have agreed to go out with you. Enjoy your life with him.” He whispered the last sentence and turned around to start walking back home.

“Caramel! Wait! Let me explain!”

That didn’t sound like Twilight. He turned his head to see Big Macintosh galloping toward him. He stopped right in front of him. Caramel turned around to face the stallion.

Big Macintosh took a deep breath and began his own explanation.

“Ah never meant to hurt ya, Caramel. Ah never wanted to ever see you cry. Ah’m not a very intelligent pony, and Ah never figured out that ya liked me. Ah wish Ah had, because you’re everything a stallion could ask for. The truth is, Ah love you, Caramel. Always have, always will.”

Did he just…Oh Celestia…Please don’t be a prank, please don’t be a dream, please don’t be a fantasy. Caramel gasped in surprise, then let out all of the air in sheer pleasure. It was the most he had ever heard the normally reticent stallion speak, but he could listen for hours if this was what it was about. He vaguely noticed another purple flash as Twilight disappeared. It was the first genuine smile in weeks, and it never felt so good. He could already imagine Pinkie Pie with a satisfied smirk on her face. But he didn’t want to imagine Pinkie Pie’s face when the most perfect face in all of Equestria was right in front of him, confessing his love for him. Please continue. I’ve waited for this for so long. I’ve lost hope, gained it back, got it destroyed, and now you’ve given it back to me. Please don’t take it away again. Tell me that you love me again.

“Ah’m four years older than you, Caramel, but you know more than me. You know how to tell somepony you love him. You know how to have the courage and bravery to tell him. When Ah met you three years ago, Ah didn’t know Ah had these feelings for ya. You were just volunteerin’ at the farm, and back then, Applejack was in charge of all the volunteers. Ah didn’t really see you that often, but Ah wish Ah spent more time lookin’ at ya.

“You were the most hard-workin’ pony there, and even though you had a bushel of accidents every week, you helped just about as much as any Apple family member would. Ah started starin’ at ya more and more. Ah started to realize Ah liked you. Ah liked ya a lot. It started with just your hard-working personality, but then Ah realized how beautiful you were. And besides for the good work ya did, Ah had another reason for seein’ you all sweaty. About a year ago, I realized Ah really loved ya. Ah fantasized about ya a lot. Ah’m usin’ that word right, right?”

Caramel nodded, and he continued, “But Ah never had the bravery to tell ya. Ah wanted to so bad, but there were so many things stoppin’ me. Firstly, Ah didn’t have the strength. Ah really admire you, Caramel, cause you wanted to tell me, and Ah was never able to. Secondly, Ah didn’t know if ya liked me or not, and Ah didn’t want to be rejected. Ah’ve never had a relationship before, and Ah wasn’t sure how Ah’d take rejection. Thirdly, mah family. Mah family ain’t the most free-thinking, and they’re very traditional. Ah knew ah was a coltcuddler since Ah was in school, but Ah never told them. Ah was afraid what they’d think.

“When Twilight came and told me that she wanted to date me, Ah told her Ah didn’t want to, at first. Ah knew Ah loved you, and Ah knew Ah didn’t like mares. But then Ah realized, you probably didn’t feel the same way, and Ah knew you’d never love me back. So Ah told her yes. Ah thought maybe Ah’d try a mare.”

“When Applejack came and told us what happened, Ah…Ah’d never felt so bad in my life, Caramel. Ah’m so sorry I hurt ya like this. She left to go back to the restaurant and so we could talk, and as soon as she left, Ah started crying. Ah don’t cry a lot, Caramel, but…knowin’ that Ah hurt you like that…Ah just couldn’t help myself. But Ah was also very happy. Now Ah know that ya love me, Caramel, and…even though Ah love you back with all mah heart, Ah don’t expect you to want to be with me. After all the hurt Ah caused ya, Ah wouldn’t blame ya if ya wanted to go back to yer date.”

Caramel had been listening to very word, and every single one made him feel lighter and lighter. He wrapped his hind leg around a lamppost to make sure he didn’t drift away.

He loves me! Oh he loves me! Ah’ve never been this happy! And I just thought in his accent! Oh, I love his accent! It’s so sexy, it’s so…Southern…it’s…perfect! It’s perfect because it’s him!

“Mac…I…I love you so much, Mac!” He ran into the red stallion and they both collapsed onto the ground from the impact.

Mac wrapped his hooves around the tan stallion and kissed him once on the forehead. Where his lips had touched, Caramel could feel a warm sphere spread through his head, across his body, and down to his hooves. It filled him inside and for once, made him happy to be alive.

“Ah’d…Ah’d like to take ya home with me, Caramel, but Ah’m still afraid of mah family seein’ us. Ah’m sorry. Ah’m not ready for them to find out yet.”

“It’s okay, Mac. I don’t care. As long as we can be together, I’ll never need anything ever again. Come to my house, then.”

They left together.

Macintosh lifted the tan stallion onto his back, and he proceeded to walk to his home. Caramel could feel all those muscles and tendons working underneath that soft layer of fat and fur, and he loved the feeling. This time, he snuggled into the yellow mane. He left kisses on the red neck, and he rested his head on the soft back.

As they passed the restaurant, he could see ponies staring at him outside. He didn’t hear any of their conversation, but he imagined many of them calling him a slut for being with two stallions in one night. He saw Applejack and Fluttershy enjoying their date. He also saw Twilight and Thunderlane giving each other smoldering looks at the table he had been at just an hour ago. So I guess Twilight’s with Thunderlane now. I hope she likes him…I hope she has her own happy ending. He felt silly for hating her before, and now that he had his strong stallion carrying him, he could see clearly, and he wished Twilight all the luck in the world.

“We’re here,” Mac said, letting Caramel off so he could open the door.

They both entered the home, and Caramel turned on the lights. As Caramel closed the door behind them, his face flushed and he had another miniature heart attack. Buck! I forgot to hide those magazines!

The Biggest Hump

My Stallion

Chapter 7—The Biggest Hump

“Caramel? What are these?”

“Um…” the colt said nervously, shyly clopping his hooves together, “Magazines…”

“And why is there a naked stallion on the front?”

“I forgot to put those away, I’m sorry…oh, please don’t think I’m a pervert! I swear to Celestia I’m not! I just…I like looking at the pictures…”

“It’s okay, Caramel. Ah don’t think you’re a pervert. I was gonna ask you, though. Erm…do ya think Ah could borrow one? Ah don’t really get to see these that often…”

“Oh!” Caramel blushed, “Sure, anything for you! You can take a whole sack—STACK! You can take a whole stack, if you want. I have all ten issues of this year, and I’ve already read all of them, so you can go ahead and borrow any one you want.” He blushed deeply.

“Erm…there’re only nine here. Did ya lose one?”

Lose…yeah…definitely not soaking wet with my…seed…and hidden in the trash. “Yeah, that’s probably it,” he smiled sheepishly.

Caramel sat down on the couch, patting the other cushion invitingly. The red stallion obliged, and he quickly turned to face him.

“Caramel, can Ah confess somethin’?”

“You can tell me anything!” This is so good! We’re going to get to know each other! Like a real couple!

“You know this is mah first relationship, and Ah don’t really get around much, so Ah’m afraid Ah don’t really know what to do. I wish Ah could…romance ya and make ya really happy, but Ah don’t really know how.”

“Mac…The closest thing I’ve ever had to a relationship is a pen-pal in Canterlot. I don’t know what to do, either. But I know I’ll have lots of fun figuring things out with you. Just um…Mac?”

“Eeyup?”

“If at all possible, I’d like to take things slowly…”

“Of course. Ah forgot to ask ya. Will you want to go out with me? Maybe tomorrow, if you’re available.”

“Oh yes, Mac!” The couch creaked dangerously under the weight of two stallions, especially when one of them was jumping up and down with glee.

“No, really?!” Rose yelled, unbelieving of what Caramel just told her, “He said…he really did? Oh Caramel, congratulations!”

“Thanks so much, Rose! I’m so happy now!”

Rose squealed in delight. “Oh this is so romantic! Two stallions both searching for love from the other, but were too afraid to say! Oh I simply must write this down! It’d make a brilliant novel!”

“I have a date with him tonight!”

“Ooh, the first date! Has he kissed you yet?”

“Not yet. I kind of hope he kisses me tonight, though.”

“Well, just be careful, because I heard that the first date is the biggest hump in the relationship.”

“Biggest hump? Hrm…that sounds familiar…”

“I uh…I may have peeked at one of the magazines you had on your table.”

I have got to put those away…

The shower had been turned off, but steam was still rising from the stall, billowing out like fluffy clouds and filling the room with warm fog. Caramel had to wipe the mirror every few seconds so he could see. The small bathroom smelled of lilac—his fur wash—and citrus—for his mane and tail. The sharp cut of the oranges and lemons seemed to be dulled by the lilac and moisture, but he enjoyed the sweet scent nonetheless. He flossed every tooth twice, and brushed through the alphabet twelve times—once for each letter in Big Macintosh’s name. He tried styling his mane, but failed miserably. He longed for the flat, sleek mane that seemed so perfect for shaping. Instead, he was cursed with thick, brown hair that refused to budge. It seemed to laugh at him even as he pulled a comb through it.

After he finally reached a decent level of satisfaction with his appearance, he spent the rest of the afternoon waiting in his living room, trying not to stare at the clock too often. Every minute taunted him, and the second-hand moved tantalizingly slow. He wondered if the clock was conspiring against him, purposely integrating an extra second or two into its every tick. Oh, hurry up! Against his better judgment, he glanced at the clock again. Six thirty-five. Twenty-five minutes left.

He picked up one of the magazines on his table and began reading.

Three articles later (including one very steamy romance story), he gave in to his urges and looked at the wall-clock again. It’s definitely been ten minutes—at least. Six thirty-seven. HOW?! Caramel groaned and muffled his face into a pillow.

Suddenly, he sat up straight. Oh no! I forgot to put on that eyeliner! Rose was so nice; I wonder how much it cost her. Oh wait, she said it was on sale, and she got it two-for-one, or something. He returned to the bathroom, which was now clear of steam, and stared into the mirror. I guess I look decently attractive…Mac deserves attractive…I hope I can give it to him. Rose said that this is…oh, what did she say? Oh yeah: “Blue enough to make you seem mysterious, but purple enough to make you passionate. Use it with mascara. A lot of ponies don’t know, but a little sparkle on the eye does wonders and blah, blah, blah.”

Ten minutes later, the eyeliner pencil was only making marks on his eyeball, and not on his eyelid. This would be so much easier if I were a unicorn. He blinked in discomfort as he accidentally poked himself in the eye again.

Three tries later, a small arc of bluish purple sat below his eyes. Close enough! It’s something.

At that moment, there was a knock on the door. Don’t panic, don’t panic! All the way to open the door, however, Caramel did nothing but panic. How should I answer the door? “Welcome, Mac!” “Howdy!” “Glad you could make it!” “I’m so glad you’re here!” “Hello there, big boy…” Woah there, pony. Definitely not the last one. Welcome is good. I like that first one.

He opened the door to a red stallion with nothing but a small flower and saddlebags. “Ah got this for you,” he said. He presented the yellow tulip. Caramel bowed his head, and felt him tuck the stem into his mane. Finally a good use for this rats’ nest. “Welcome! Glad you could make it, big boy,” he said cheerily. Oh buck. Fatality. Game over… He smiled sheepishly.

To his surprise, the red stallion chuckled. “Ah made a picnic. Ah hope that’s not too simple for ya.”

“Oh no, that’s wonderful. I love picnics,” he insisted. This is going to be so romantic! He stepped outside with Macintosh and closed the door behind him. “Where are we going?”

“There’s a special place on the farm that Ah always went to when Ah was a foal. It’s very beautiful.”

They began walking to Sweet Apple Acres. “And speakin’ of beautiful,” he continued, “are ya wearin’ makeup, Caramel?”

“Oh um…yes…” he blushed, “could you tell? Does it look bad?”

“It don’t look bad. Just…next time…know that Ah think you’re beautiful enough already.”

Caramel’s heart fluttered, and his saunter quickly hastened to a canter as he felt new energy surge through him.

“Here we are,” Big Macintosh said, peeling away the willow’s drooping vines and leaves to reveal a small alcove. Caramel gasped. He wasn’t kidding. This is beautiful…

The crying branches of the willow tree fell back into place, creating a green curtain which the setting sun filtered through into tiny spots of yellow. It was the very corner of the farm, so the alcove was created with the enormous boulders that surrounded the farm’s edges. In the wide gap between two of the gray mammoths, a single apple tree stood. The trunk filled in the space between, successfully sealing off the space from anypony’s view.

“Nopony knew where Ah was when Ah came here. This was mah favorite place to go. Ah planted that tree when Ah was just a colt. It was the first tree Ah ever planted, and Ah named her ‘Princess.’”

“Princess?” Caramel suppressed a giggle.

“That’s what Ah wanted to be when Ah was younger. Like Ah said…Ah figured out Ah was a coltcuddler pretty early.”

“Did you make these?” Caramel asked, pointing to all the carvings on the stone. The natural stone walls weren’t exactly flat, but they were still a canvas to some foal, who had carved little drawings and pictures in the rock.

“Eeyup. Granny used to be madder than a rattlesnake in a sack when Ah drew on the walls, so instead, Ah’d draw here.”

"You’re a very good artist,” Caramel giggled. All the carvings were so rudimentary and poorly-done, that it was almost pitiful. A pony was an oval with five sticks and a circle head. A tree was identical to a lollipop, street sign, and a lasso.
Macintosh took off his saddlebags and started taking out various picnic-related items. First came the checkered blanket, which he spread onto the ground with his mouth. Next came the sandwiches, bottles of apple juice, daisy salad, and hay fries. Caramel’s stomach growled just at the sight and smell of dinner—he had chosen preparing for this date in lieu of lunch.

“Wow, Mac…this is really…extravagant…”

“Ah’m glad ya think so,” he said, sitting down on a corner of the blanket. He patted the opposite corner of the red and white cloth, inviting the yellow colt to have a seat.

Instead of sitting where Macintosh had indicated, however, Caramel chose to rest his flank right next to him. “I’d rather sit next to you, if that’s okay…”

“Eeyup,” he said, beaming.

By the time they were finished eating, the sun had already set, and the only light came form Luna’s moon, her scattered sparkles, and the lanterns that Big Macintosh had set out. Throughout the evening, Caramel had slowly leaned more and more into the red stallion.

With the presence of a red foreleg around his body, he considered Operation Get-Mac-To-Cuddle-Me a success. “Mac?” he asked tentatively.

“Eeyup?”

“Do you love me?”

“Ah do, Caramel. Ah’ve loved you for such a long time, and Ah still do now.”

“I love you, too, Mac…”

Macintosh pulled the yellow colt in for a bigger hug, wrapping both his hooves around the slightly pudgy pony. Caramel looked up into the green eyes he so longed for. Is he…Is he going to…? He couldn’t finish the thought.

In that moment, the stallion dipped down and touched his lips to the awaiting muzzle of Caramel. His mind blanked out, and he could feel only his own heartbeat, Macintosh’s heartbeat, and the softness of his lips.

Caramel parted his lips slightly, letting his tongue poke at the red stallion’s mouth. After a moment’s hesitation, his mouth was open as well. Caramel’s tongue thrust itself into Macintosh’s mouth, prodding tentatively at the treasures inside the cave.

Macintosh, never one to be dominated, took the lead from there. He pushed back, giving Caramel’s oral cave a full expedition. He explored every crevice and could still taste some sweet apples and cinnamon from their dessert.

After an immeasurable amount of time, they reluctantly separated, both from their exhaustion, and their lack of oxygen. Oh…my…my first kiss…it was…it was so much more than I thought it would be. I can’t wait to do it again!

“Wow…” he said.

“Did ya…like that…?” Macintosh panted.

“Very much.” Caramel yawned. Maybe it was the food, or maybe the sun going down, but he felt very tired all of a sudden.

The larger stallion wrapped the smaller in his forelegs again, and Caramel could feel himself get drowsier and drowsier, as irresistible waves of sleep crashed over him. He finally blacked out, but right before he felt a pair of lips on his cheek, wishing him a good night.

He Only Eats Apple Products

My Stallion

Chapter 8—He Only Eats Apple Products

Caramel awoke to the sweet scent of apples and pancakes. The light from the window bombarded his mind, surging inside his psyche, wrapping a chain around his consciousness, and pulling him out of sleep’s soft, dark clutches and into the shocking embrace of alertness. He stretched and yawned, rubbed his eyes, and noticed that something was off. I haven’t slept with a stuffed animal for years…okay, fine, a few days. There’s nothing wrong with being afraid of the dark. Twilight said it’s very common. He poked and prodded at the soft, furry mass. He opened his eyes and initially saw a sea of red. It was an ocean of red fur that rippled and undulated.

Finally recognizing the stallion, the memories of last night flooded into his now-awake mind—the picnic, the cuddling, and finally, the kiss. He threw his forelegs around his coltfriend and giggled with glee. There was a faucet inside his heart, and it had finally been opened, letting all his happiness and excitement flood his every facet.

Macintosh stirred, yawned, stretched, and hugged the yellow colt back. “Mornin’ Caramel,” he said drowsily.

“Morning!” Caramel said cheerfully. The faucet was now on full blast.

Suddenly, he shuffled away from the embrace faster than Rainbow Dash escaping from a hooficure.

“Somethin’ wrong? Macintosh asked, looking at his coltfriend with concern.

“Er…nothing…just…um…” he blushed and pointed between his haunches with a hoof. He looked away in embarrassment and kept the blanket wrapped tightly around his waist.

Macintosh chuckled. “Your little friend?”

Caramel nodded. “Well…it’s not that little…”

Applejack called from downstairs, “Big Mac! Caramel! Get yer’ flanks outta bed, and come and get yer breakfast! Or do Ah have to yank y’all out?!”

The surprise from the yelling helped Caramel regain his composure. Never ones to incite Applejack’s temper, they both rushed downstairs with a quick-paced canter. Two realizations and two trips to the bathroom later, they finally came to the kitchen table, where an orange mare was tapping the table with a hoof impatiently.

“So, how was yer date last night?”

“Oh it was so wonderful!” Caramel started. He began describing every single last detail, thoroughly milking the entire three hours into a story that he could have spent days discussing.

“That’s wonderful, sugarcube!” Applejack shouted in the middle of his descriptions of their cuddling, “But Ah really should be…uh…bucking apples! That’s it! Bye!” She left without another word, happy to escape from Caramel’s sappy story-telling.

“Hey, Mac?”

“Eeyup?” he said with a mouthful of apple pancakes.

“How did we uh…how did we end up in your room? I mean, the last I remembered, I was asleep in your arms in the corner of the farm.”

“Ah carried ya. You seemed plumb-tuckered out, so Ah put ya to bed with me.”

“Mac, I have another question…if that’s okay…”

“Eeyup?”

“Um…do you plan on telling your family about me?”

The red stallion sighed. “Ah do…not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but Ah will. Ah promise. It’s just that Ah don’t know how Granny Smith will react, and also the rest of mah family.”

“Then why don’t ya ask her?” came a voice from the other room.

Caramel’s mouth dropped open, and Macintosh became redder than usual as the frail legs of Granny Smith creaked their way into the kitchen. “Erm…er…mornin’ G-Granny…” Macintosh stammered. He’s…stuttering…that’s a first…

Granny Smith was in the kitchen with them, and for once, Mac had lost his composure.

“Ah’m disappointed in ya, Mac!”

Big Macintosh hesitated for a moment, before saying quietly, “But Ah love him, Granny. And that ain’t gonna change.”

“Ah don’t care how much ya love him, that’s not what ya do to a colt!”

“Why not?”

“It’s wrong, disgusting, and not somethin’ Ah raised ya to do!”

“There’s nothing wrong with it!” Caramel suddenly shouted.

“Oh yes, there is,” Granny Smith continued, “He’s just takin’ advantage of you, you’ll see!”

“No, he’s not!”

“Oh yes, he is! Never be with a stallion that tries to get ya into bed with him on the first night!”

“No, he’s…wait, what?”

“Y’all heard me!” the elderly pony said, “Y’all shouldn’t have rushed into that so soon!”

“So ya don’t have a problem with me and Caramel datin’?” Macintosh asked.

“Datin’?” she said, “Ah knew y’all had yer eyes on him since what…a year ago! But now that y’all have him, Ah’m disappointed in ya for gettin’ in bed with him that soon!”

“Oh we didn’t…We didn’t do anything like that!” Caramel said, “We just had a picnic last night!”

“Oh…y’all didn’t do the two-trot tango? Oh. My mistake…Ah’m gettin’ old…” She walked back to the living room and resumed her rocking in her chair. “And by the way, Ah don’t give a flyin’ feather about that yonder coltcuddlin’. Ah knew you were one of them since ya told me you wanted to be a princess when y’all grew up, Mac. Tain’t somethin’ that goes unnoticed.”

Mac coughed softly. “Eeyup, Granny. Thanks.”

“Y’all be good to him, y’hear? He’s more fragile than ya think.”

The green pony’s eyes drooped, and soon soft snoring was heard. They both left her alone and began the walk into town. “I’m not fragile,” Caramel said indignantly.

“Eeyup,” Macintosh winked, “And Ah think it was Applejack who told me that you were cryin’ because you saw Twilight with me.”

“Hey, I loved you for eons, basically. And that really hurt! Still, I’m not fragile.”

“Eeyup.”

“Eeyup I am, or Eeyup you agree with me?”

“Eeyup.”

“You’re no help,” Caramel giggled, “But you are really warm to sleep with.”

“Ah try.”

Celestia’s orb was climbing the sky, and it was only a few hours before it would reach the summit. Ponies were ambling here and there in the market. Down the streets, Caramel could catch snippets of gossip as mares in fancy hats shared a Sunday brunch, explored a bookstore, or went window shopping: “Did you hear about the whole Spitfire scandal?” “Is that who I think it is?” “I had no idea it was fake!” “I heard that this store owner gives discounts for a little flashiness, if you know what I mean.”

“Where are you taking me?” Caramel whined, “Tell me…”

“We’re here!”

They stopped in front of Sugarcube Corner.

“Hello there, Big Macintosh. What can I get for you?” Mrs. Cake asked kindly from behind the counter.

“Howdy, Mrs. Cake. Two apple cupcakes, please.”

Two seconds later, two cupcakes with green frosting and apple slices were on paper plates, ready for consumption. “How much do Ah owe ya?”

“Don’t worry about it. You’re always so generous with your apple sales. These are on me.” She smiled and then returned to her baking duties.

“So why are we here?” Caramel asked, tentatively giving the light green frosting a lick. It was creamy and sweet, but not too overpowering. It melted in his mouth, and the texture reminded him of a marshmallow.

“Ah need to talk to Pinkie.”

“Talk to me about what?” came a giggly voice from under the table.

Caramel screamed. Macintosh recoiled. Pinkie giggled and emerged from the shadows, bouncing out from under their purple table.

“What…what were you doing down there?!” Caramel asked with panic.

“Oh, you know, cleaning…” she giggled.

“How did I not see you?!”

“It’s easy! Just close your eyes and whammo! You can’t see me!” Pinkie snorted with laughter again. “So what did you want to tell me, silly?”

“Er…thank you, Ms. Pinkie.”

“Just Pinkie is fine! About what?”

“For your advice on dating.”

“You came to Pinkie for dating advice?”

Macintosh nodded sheepishly. “Eeyup. Ah didn’t want to disappoint you, so Ah asked her where Ah should take ya. She told me to take ya to somewhere special to me, so Ah did.”

Wow…he asked for dating advice…I guess he really wants to be with me…That’s so considerate of him. “Well, I would have been fine with any date with you,” Caramel said happily.

“Thank you, Caramel…Anyways, Ah just wanted to thank ya, Pinkie. It really went—”

He stopped midsentence, looked around, but didn’t find anyone but Caramel. Where’d she go? That’s actually really scary… Caramel checked under the table, but didn’t see anything but Macintosh’s muscular hind-legs. No wonder Pinkie was down here. Hey, wait! She’d better not have been ogling at my coltfriend!

“Caramel?”

“Hrm?” he lifted his head from under the table, successfully giving himself another injury in the process. He rubbed his hoof on the back of his head and winced.

“Erm…it’s time to go. Y’all okay?”

“Yeah…”

Macintosh chuckled. “Let’s go, then. Ah have a full day planned.”

“Wait, what are we going to do?”

“We’re going to tell all our friends about us.”

“Are you sure?” Caramel stopped walking.

“Eeyup. Ah’ve been thinkin’ that I should for awhile now. Ah’ve fantasized about bein’ with ya for so long, and now that Ah finally am, it’s so much better than Ah’ve ever imagined, and Ah want everypony to know.”

Caramel’s heart fluttered. “Okay, Mac. I’m with you.” He smiled shyly and felt another peck on his cheek.

They set out to find their friends. Luckily, they were both relatively introverted and didn’t maintain a list of friends that exceeded a page. Good thing I’m not with Pinkie Pie. We wouldn’t be done with this in twenty years…but then again, I wouldn’t be with Pinkie Pie anyways because she’s a she. Boy, do I love my masculine stallion. Oh Celestia, I’m such a stalliosexual…

The first on the list was Derpy. They found her in the post office, and after a rebuke from Caramel’s supervisor for not showing up the other day, they told her the news.

“Yay, Caramel! You finally came out to yourself!”

“Um…thanks, Derpy.”

“I have to tell the Doctor!”

“The who?”

“Yeah, him!” She flew off upside down without another word.

Big Macintosh stood with his head cocked to the side, unsure of what to say. “Is she…?”

Caramel nodded and then got on top of his coltfriend’s back. “Yeah, she’s crazy and ditzy, but oh so lovable.” He wrapped his legs around the red body.

Macintosh nuzzled his cheek. “Who’s the next one?” he asked.

Well, that was Derpy. I already told Rose. Twilight already knows. I saw her that day with Thunderlane. I think they hit it off pretty well. Oh yeah, friends…Um…is that all? Do I only have three friends? Oh, well Lyra. Ah, but she’s out of town with Bon Bon on their honeymoon.
Who else is there? No one? Really? Oh Luna, am I a sad, sad pony. Well, I would be, but I have the best stallion ever! Caramel mentally giggled. “I don’t think there’s anypony left.”

“Really?” Macintosh chuckled. “Is Derpy your only friend?”

“Well, there’s Rose and Twilight, but they know already. And Lyra’s out of town.”

“So what do ya wanna do now?”

“Well, we can tell your friends,” Caramel suggested as they walked down the road.

“Ah uh…Ah don’t really have any friends…” he confessed.

“Really? I mean…I only have like four friends, and I’m really introverted when it comes to that.”

“Well, since Ah was a colt, Ah’ve been kinda shy with other ponies. Applebuckin’ gave me somethin’ to do, and Ah didn’t have to really be friends with anypony anymore, and Ah was pretty happy with that.”

“Well, what about a coltfriend?” Caramel asked with a sly voice, putting extra emphasis on “colt.”

“Eeyup. Ah need my coltfriend, and Ah’d only be happy with him.”

“So what do you want to do now? It’s about…” he looked up at the sky, and the sun was well past its peak. “Two, maybe three?”

“Y’all want to buck?”

“Mac!” Caramel gasped, taken aback at the stallion’s bravado.

“Ah meant apples,” he snickered, “Gotcha, though.”

Caramel sighed in relief. “You scare me…”

They set their course for Sweet Apple Acres. Caramel hopped onto Macintosh’s back and nuzzled the stallion’s back while he was being carried.

I can’t believe I get to be with him now. It just seems so unlikely now. It took so much courage and pushing to get myself to ask him out, but then he was with somepony else. So I got another date. But then Mac did actually want me. And that, by far, was definitely the happiest day of my life. But it could be different from now on. The happiest day of my life is now in the future.
All in all, it was a painful…what has it been? Almost two months. It’s been a painful almost two months, but being with him is just all worth it. It was such a nice day. I hope every day is like this from now on. Mm…my big strong stallion. All mine.