Jokes and Fake Smiles

I continued to sob, getting tear marks on my mom's frame. I clenched my teeth to try and silence myself. It worked for a little bit. I still felt the tears roll down. "Stop crying you stupid baby!" I told myself. "Mom wouldn't want you to be such a foal." I told myself. I didn't stop. I couldn't help it. I've been holding tears in for years. I hadn't cried since after mom died. After her funeral, I just told myself I'd never cry again. It hurts to cry. It reminds me that I still feel sadness. Why can't I just be happy all the time like my friends think I am?

I hugged the frame again. It felt comforting, but it's not the same. It's not her. It only reminds me of her. I can never feel her soft white mane ever again. I began to sob again. "Shut up! Shut up!" I told myself. "Stop being a wimp..." I keep saying. It seems to work for me. It's sad that beating myself with my own words helps me to silence myself, but I guess I'll have to live with that, and use it to my advantage.

"Son, what are you crying for?" My Dad asked rudely.

"Don't worry about it." I shot back. I could already tell he was drunk.

"Oh! You're mom huh?" He said hotly. "Too bad you'll never see her. I guess it isn't THAT bad though. She never gets to see hat a waste of space you are... A rebellious piece of trash." He said as he snatched the picture frame out of my hooves.

"Hey! Give that back!" I said coming into his face. We're close to the same height.

"You wanna challenge me, son? You think you're a tough stallion?" I stood my ground. I squinted my eyes and crinkled my nose in anger, and breathed heavily as my blood pressure spiked.  Him snatching the only memory of my mom right now, is like him beating her if she were alive. I will not stand for it. "Show me then!" He yelled, throwing the picture at the wall.

Time slowed as I saw the picture accelerate towards the wooden walls. I saw the frame break apart as it collided. The glass shattered, and the picture flew to the ground. I stood there, speechless. I was going to cry again. I could feel my tears creeping into my eyes.

"Baby..." he said. He was reaching for the actual picture. As his hooves made contact with the old paper, I seemed to  snap. I darted for him, and shoved him into the wall before he could take the picture into the air. I assumed he was going to rip it.

He lost his grip, and I bucked him to the ground, and kicked him in his muzzle a few times. I stopped, and realized I just beat up my dad. He was bleeding from his mouth, and was missing a tooth. "A violent...waste of space...." I thought to myself. My Dad was knocked out. He probably wouldn't move for awhile.

After my short burst of anger, I calmed my breathing and grabbed mom's picture, which now had no frame. "She never gets to see what a waste of space you are" Echoed in my head. Every insult my dad ever called me was now being stabbed into my thoughts. I really AM those things... I'm surprised my friends don't hate me....I... I'm evil. I did this...

I threw on my guitar case, and zipped the picture inside of it, and walked outside. It was now about 9:30 PM. No one I know will be out here, so I think I'll be alright with leaving.

I didn't even pay attention to the direction I was going. I just followed straight, looking into the ground, only to hear insults from my dad, and visions of everyone I ever thought I loved now disappointed in me. Kaoss IS a terrible name. Discord is the GOD of chaos....It's basically the same word. Even if it's a name, I now hate it. I'm not kind at all. I'm evil... I can't believe such kind ponies like to call me their friend.

I walked for hours. I estimated that it was hours. I saw the everfree forest. I almost went in. In  an act of suicide. I shook it off. I kept walking, and to the left, I saw a house. Fluttershy's cottage. My stomach twisted as I drew inches closer to it. I can't go see her. She probably hates me. I made her cry. I don't like making people cry. Especially friends... Kind ponies like Fluttershy don't deserve to be around such horrible ponies like myself.

I kept trying to walk away. I couldn't. I didn't move closer, because I got too nervous. I didn't go away either because....It didn't feel right. I wanted to apologize, but I can't. She's probably really mad at me.

I paced back and forth for a few minutes before I decided to draw a little closer...I have no idea what time it is, but her lights are on. I don't wanna have somepony yell at me when I already feel terrible.

If I knock on her door now, I can try to apologize, even though she might be mad, but if I go away, I'll be wandering the town wishing I did. I took a deep breath, and trotted slowly to her door, knocking on it. My front hooves shook in anxiety. Is she going to yell the second she sees me? Will she have a disappointed look on her face? Will she not talk at all?

I heard the knob turn. Every millisecond got more nerve wracking. I finally saw her face.

"Kaoss?.." She said. Not angry or irritated. "What are you doing out here? It's late...What happened?" She said concerned.

"Y...You mean you're not mad?" I asked.

"Oh, no no no. I understand when you don't want to talk about things."

"But I made you cry." I say softly.

"I was sad that you didn't want to talk to me. But that's because I care, and I'm always concerned about my friends. I always want to help, and I was disappointed that I couldn't. That's all." She assured me. "But enough about me. What are you doing here?"

"Oh..Uh don't worry about......." I cut myself off. That's how I made her cry...."May I come in?" I continue.

"Oh, of course." She replies.

I put my case down near her couch, and plop myself onto it. "Geez....I've been walking for awhile...In no real direction." I begin.

"What happened?" She asks.

"I...I..." I try  and tell the story, and I feel my tears already coming. SHIT! Come on...Not now. I can't cry now. I try to clench my teeth and stop them. "I..."

"You what?" She asks really concerned. "Don't be afraid to tell me. I care for you." She says. As soon as that sentence leaves her mouth, I remember that it's EXACTLY what my mom would say if I didn't want to tell her anything. I couldn'[t hold back my tears. I didn't even say anything other than "I" and I'm already about to bawl like a wimp.

"Kaoss...." She says putting her hoof on my shoulder. I feel the first tear come down my cheek....No no no no no no!!! Another. "It's ok to cry..." She says. I try not to hear that. I don't want to believe that. Crying means I have to show my emotions. I can't do that. Not showing them is how people have come to actually like me....

The tears become too powerful. I sob loudly with my hooves to my face. I breath uneasily as I try to stop them, but it doesn't work and it hurts to breath.

Fluttershy slowly hugs me from the side. She rocks back and forth to try to calm me down...just like my mom did. "Just cry for now...You can speak whenever you feel you need to." She says.

Before I know it...I wake up, like I had blacked out. I open my eyes heavily to Fluttershy singing a lullaby. "Hush now, quiet now, lay your little sleepy head. Hush now quiet now, it's time to go to bed." She sung. It sounded so beautiful. I felt my eyes close again. And for the first time in awhile...I feel safe.