Mail Theft is no Laughing Matter
A Cancelled Coronation: Mail Theft is no Laughing Matter
Celestia’s plan was ruined.
After years of careful direction, gracious love, rigorous testing, and the occasional need to save her student from self-induced peril, Celestia was coming to accept the fact that her plan to ascend Twilight Sparkle to Princess status had completely failed.
She had worked very carefully over the years. Sending Twilight to Ponyville, allowing her to discover friendship, watching her as she went on incredible adventures filled with danger and wonder...and even the times when the danger had come from the very ponies she called friends. Celestia had watched over her student’s every act, feeling her pride swell every time a letter was sent and a lesson was learned.
But now, after all these years, to have her plan ruined in the most unlikely and unexpected of ways...it was enough to drive Celestia to drink.
Which was exactly what she did.
“Damn that courier and his buddies!” she mumbled as she set her freshly-opened bottle of Applejack Daniels on her study desk. The bottle was already one-third gone, and the rest was rapidly following. “His fellows had to go and talk all about how my student is rude and arrogant, huh? I sh- I should track them down and make THEM reform Discord, see what real arrogance can be!”
The Sun Princess glared daggers at the official letter of apology resting on her desk (which was ringed by the alcohol running down the bottle). The letter, concise and professional, informed her that the package she had sent her student had been undelivered, and went on to offer her various services to reconcile the error.
But, Celestia being the ruler of the land and all, the postmaster had the sense to send a second letter explaining why the package had been lost. According to this second letter, Twilight had made a name for herself by being forward, rude, and haughty to the delivery ponies, and further by never signing for a package that had been given to her in the past. The postmaster explained that, by never completing the delivery process required by a signature, Twilight Sparkle had effectively stolen goods.
So, in the interest of preventing said theft, the colt courier assigned to deliver the parcel had chosen to not deliver it. The package was deemed lost the following morning, and the courier had missed work that day.
“How terribly convenient,” Celestia drawled, kicking back another three fingers of the whiskey. Her magical grip began to falter as the liquid burned her throat - she had always been a lightweight, a fact that amused Luna to no end.
Now Celestia had guards searching for the courier, trying to find him and the estranged delivery. Witnesses and workers of the postal service were already being questioned, and a few leads were beginning to emerge. But it was crucial that Celestia narrow everything down to one solid, definitive lead before her student caught wind of the development and offered to help. If Twilight found out about the journal contained in the package, and then of Celestia’s ultimate intention for her, then things would become worse than they already were.
And Gods above help them all if the courier decided to read the journal.
“Come on, Mark, keep going! What happened afterward?”
Water Mark, the very colt assigned to deliver the package to Ponyville’s librarian, sat with five of his oldest friends as they enjoyed a personal holiday. He was at the center of the group, but was otherwise unremarkable with a white mane and a gray coat that was due for a hard wash. With a chuckle fed by a pleased sense of justice, he replied to the question.
“Heh, well,” he began. “After the boss told me who the box was for, I thought long and hard about the name. ‘Twilight Sparkle,’ you know? We got to hear it a lot last year.”
His cohorts nodded their understanding, one of them chipping in. “Yeh, li’l Sticky Stamp wouldn’t shut up abou’ it until we threw him a second birthdeh party.”
“Hey, give the kid a break,” Water Mark replied. “That really did ruin his big day, and all he had was a postcard!”
His friends nodded their understanding again, prompting him to continue. “Anyway, I hear the name, and I feel like I owe something to ol’ Sticky. A way to make up for the way that librarian messed up his birthday, and for how annoyed we got with him. The box for her was my last run for the night, yeah? So instead of walking all the way out to that edge of town, I just punch out and head home!”
One colt to his right, a unicorn, seemed to choke on his breath. “Wha-wait! You stole the thing?”
“Nah, see...I prevented a theft! She refused to sign for Sticky’s letter, wrecked his day, and kept doing it for other packages sent to her over the year. If she doesn’t sign, then the stuff is still ours, right?”
The colt wasn’t convinced. “Well, maybe, but what if...”
“Don’t ruin this day for me, kiddo. It’s still property of the postal service by default, so she was stealing from us all those times! Why would I want her to do it again on my delivery? I figure, ‘well, buck you too, lady!’”
“Ha!” the first pony laughed. “Justice is served!”
“So jus’ what happened to the box you were s’posed to give?”
Water Mark smirked with triumph, reaching behind him to his saddlebags. He rummaged around them for a moment before pulling out the box addressed to Ponyville’s librarian. The package was noticeably roughed, the edges crumpled and open. Within sat a spiral-bound journal without a title, which slid into his hooves easily.
“Whoa, hold on!” the timid colt started. “You weren’t supposed to open that, Mark! You could get in big trouble!”
Water Mark blew rasberries. “Pfft, take a look, kiddo. See this seal?” He angled the box toward his friend, pointing out the intricate ink stamp on one corner of the delivery sticker. “That’s the seal of Canterlot, man. And not just that - this little number comes straight from Princess Celestia herself.”
“Whoa, no way!” the rough-spoken colt exclaimed. “Lemme see that!”
Water Mark passed the box along, allowing each of his five friends to gaze at the seal, while he held on to the archaic journal in one hoof. “No joke, this is something that Princess Sunburn wanted Twilight Sparkle to see, and she paid handsomely for it to be delivered in just one night. Hahaha, sucks to be her!”
Finally accepting the fact that he was part of the trouble now, the timid colt went on. “Then why did you open it? Celestia herself sent that!” he accused, pointing toward the notebook.
“Celestia sending this is exactly why I opened it! What’s so important about this old thing that she paid so much to get it delivered so fast? And why that librarian? She’s not so special. Aren’t you all as curious as I am?”
An immediate smattering of approval sounded from four colts, while the unicorn who had doubts slowly became the fifth. Satisfied, Water Mark opened the journal’s back cover, then passed the whole thing to the skeptical colt.
“What?” he gasped, lifting a forehoof away in fear. “Why me?”
With a roll of his eyes, Water Mark explained. “The letter that came with this mentioned a spell on the last page, made by some hairy wizard or other. I figure we should see what the spell does, just for fun! Make this ‘day off” mean something!”
“Oh, I-I don’t know, Mark...this looks like it’s not done, and there’s no description for what it will do...”
The rough colt cut in, his eagerness causing him to bounce in anticipation. “C’mon, don’t do that! I’ve been itchin’ for a good day away from that dumb ol’ post office for weeks!
“Yeah, this oughta be good!” the first pony added, providing more peer pressure.
Water Mark smirked in triumph again. “You’re our unicorn. Come on, give it a shot - I wanna see what this does!”
The unicorn gulped nervously, convinced himself that there was no harm, and magically took the journal. His friends gave a small cheer, but went silent as he cleared his throat and began to concentrate.
“From one to another, another to one, a mark of one’s destiny, singled out alone, fulfilled...”
Several hours passed by before a letter wreathed in smoke emerged above Celestia as she rested on her bed. She barely noticed it, her mind wracked with worries about the coronation event that would never happen. Her bottle of whiskey was on its side next to her, a barest color along the neck the only indication that anything had ever been inside. When the letter fell and bounced off her nose, she seemed to snap back to reality.
But only for a moment, as reality chose that instant to snap back. She rolled off her covers and landed hard on her flank, sending a fresh ache flaring across her head.
“Unnnngh...” she groaned, swaying in place. Even when sitting, she could barely tell up from down. With great effort, she reached out with her magic, attempting to lift the letter sent to her. After four lunges and a few obscenities besides, she finally managed to capture the scroll and send the ribbon holding it together flying across her room. She rested her chin on top of her covers, forced one eye to stay open, and slowly read the message.
Dear Princess Celestia,
I am writing to you because I have a rather unique problem on my hooves. Not too long ago, a set of young colts was brought in to Ponyville Urgent Care, each of them spouting nonsense and trying hard to hand random objects to each other. One of them I recognized as a unicorn who works at the local post office.
After investigating, I noticed that the unicorn’s cutie mark wasn’t as I remembered. In fact, his cutie mark was on one of the other colts admitted to the care center - a very rough-looking character with a drawl thicker than Big Mac’s, but with a passive attitude not unlike Fluttershy’s own. It was confusing, to say the least.
It’s my opinion that, through some form of magic or trickery, the cutie marks and destinies of these ponies were exchanged among each other. During my inquiry, several of them mentioned an old journal, which I believe to be a key element to this mystery. However, the only piece I have found is a torn segment of paper, caught in the hoof of one of the colts, bearing fragments of writing and a few magical figures. The piece of paper doesn’t give me anything, and I fear that it’s a part of this journal, trampled during their confusion.
Please write back with any suggestions you may have to help me solve this mystery. I will be at the care center for most of the night should to decide to visit.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle.
Several minutes passed by in a seething silence as Celestia read the letter four times over. The one eye she was keeping open began to twitch, and with no small amount of effort, she grabbed the bottle of whiskey in her magic. She wasted no time in removing all remaining evidence that there had ever been liquid inside.
“Fffor the llove of me, T-Twilight,” she slurred, “don’t be ssso rude to the co-...cour-...MAILPONIES!”
End
Author's Note
A Cancelled Coronation: Mail Theft is no Laughing Matter
!Disclaimer!: We’re three full seasons into the show, and I still don’t own any rights to it. Don’t bother asking - all right to Faust, Theisson, and the teams at Hub and Hasbro. Keep up the good work!
My first published attempt at a comedy spin. Drop a line, lemme know how I did.
~Leo
