It’s funny how often conversation zigzags around enough topics to reach that extremely nonsensical one. You know, the one in which you finally stop to recollect yourself and wonder how exactly you even got into that particular topic in the first place. It’s when your friend says something really stupid – and I mean, REALLY stupid – and your logical side finally slaps your cerebrum across its ugly face and demands explanation.
Your face then contorts into a terribly befuddled expression, making it clear to both yourself and your friend that you clearly have no idea how you started discussing such an erroneous topic. At that point, however, it doesn’t matter much how it all started, because you’ve already dug too deep into the subject matter to drop it cold turkey. After a few seconds, apathy consumes your reason, and you and your buddy just shrug and figure that it doesn’t actually hurt to keep the conversation going.
Sure, in the beginning it was all about indulging in politics, contemporary pop culture, fitness tips, neighborhood gossip, and innocent chit chat to lazily pass the time. But that’s in the past! Now you’re talking about sexual experiences, oddly humorous incidents in history, fantastical theories you know deep down aren’t practical but entirely possible, and everything ranging within the boundaries of unconventional banter.
It’s the way we think. It’s in our nature to push beyond our comfort zones, especially in the company of trusted comrades. It’s because we’re given some kind of unofficial insurance, the kind that guarantees us that our buddies will try their hardest to be understanding, no matter the idiotic things that may spout from our mouths.
So it isn’t surprising that on a random, regular day like any other, Spike and Rainbow Dash were sitting at a table in Sugarcube Corner, sipping on fruity milkshakes and cataloguing ways to kill somepony with a banana.
Banana
“It’s like this, okay? You get a banana and peel it carefully.” Spike pantomimed the peeling of an imaginary banana. “Then you throw the peel in somepony’s path as they’re walking…”
“Ugh. So they slip and fall and break their neck or something?” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes in disappointment. “You’ve got to be kidding me. Lame.”
“What? What’s wrong with that? It’s a classic!”
“It’s not a classic, it’s just old. Like, sickly old. It’s so old that I can smell its rotting stench from here.” The pegasus waved her hoof at her snout, mocking the dragon’s method of murder. “You’re supposed to be book-smart, dude. Basic slap-stick isn’t creative enough to impress top-notch banana-killers.”
“You want creative? Fine, then how about this?” Spike took a short sip of his banana milkshake before wiping his mouth and continuing. “I come over to hang out. You invite me into your home because we’re watching a Hoofball game later. I stride into your kitchen and act like I’m hungry. You believe it, because I’m not being so suspicious, right?”
“Right. So what?”
“Patience, Dash. Patience.”
Rainbow Dash grunted and sunk back into her chair. “Go ahead.”
Smiling, the dragon took another sip of his refreshment, this time purposefully spending extra time to watch his friend squirm impatiently. “Ah, good stuff. Pinkie Pie’s Banana Bash really hits the spot.”
“Get on with it.”
“Heh. Fine. So I’m in your kitchen, and guess what I see? Oh, a bunch of bananas are in your fruit bowl. And they’re nice and ripe, too. How convenient!” Spike clasped his hands together menacingly, his smile stretching into a sickening grin. “I wait until you’ve stuffed your face with so many cheese puffs your bowels fight back with a force. While you’re busy taking a dump in your bathroom, I expertly slip back into the kitchen and sneak a banana behind my back, concealing it.”
“Why do I have to be on the toilet for this? This is getting weird now.”
“You wanted me to be creative, remember? Since we’re this far into my master plan, you might as well just sit through the rest of it.”
Rainbow Dash slowly inched her head back, eyeing her pal cautiously. “Nothing’s going to be stuck up my butthole, is it?”
“Huh?” Spike uttered, completely dumbstruck. “S-stuck up your– Yuck! No, no, no! That’s not it at all! Just let me finish!”
“You’re taking too long! I’m going to be sleeping by the time you wrap this thing up!”
“Alright, I’ll speed through things. So you’re coming out of the bathroom, and I approach you when you reseat yourself on the couch. I climb up with you, the banana still behind my back. By this time you’re going to be wondering what I’m hiding, and like the inquisitive pony you are, you’ll likely ask what it is. I don’t tell you. You keep asking. I still don’t tell you and begin snickering to myself. You become frustrated and you try to peek around my shoulder, but I move away swiftly like a ninja. Now I’m getting excited…because finally the master plan comes to its ultimate climax –“
“Yeah, I’m gonna go back home now.”
“It’s called suspense! I’m working for dramatic effect here!” Spike huffed, crossing his arms. “Whatever. I shove the banana down your throat, and you choke and die. The end.”
Rainbow Dash slapped her hoof into her face. “That’s it? That’s your ultimate master plan? Choking on a banana?”
“Hey, it’s not so predictable. I bet you weren’t even thinking of it.” Spike argued.
“Yeah, because it’s really, really dumb. Nopony would even think to use that kind of method. You’ve gotta be desperate if you’re trying to kill somepony with suffocation.” The pegasus whipped her head and sighed. “Lame.”
“Eh, you’re too hard to please. You just can’t appreciate my genius.”
“You’re the only one appreciating it, bud.”
“Well, if I’m not so inspirational, then you’ve gotta be better, huh?” Spike replied sarcastically.
“Tons better. You’ve got nothing, Spike. But I know that death and bananas are like peas in a pod.”
Spike chortled. “I doubt it.”
“Bananas are designed to kill ponies!” Rainbow emphasized, hovering above her chair with fluttering wings. “For instance, bananas are rich in potassium. If I were to continuously feed Applejack one banana every minute for an entire day, she’d end up overdosing on high levels of potassium.”
“That’s pseudo-science! Where did you hear such nonsense?” Spike laughed.
“It’s real! I read somewhere that ponies can overdose from eating too many bananas!”
Spike wasn’t convinced in the slightest. “I’m calling 'bull'. You’re just making things up now.”
“Wanna bet on it? I have the book at home. I can fly there right now and be back to shove the evidence in your face in under a minute flat!”
“Even if it was true, why would Applejack let you feed her so many bananas? It just doesn’t work! She’d brush you off by the third banana!”
“At least I don’t wait until ponies take dumps to kill them!” Rainbow Dash yelled.
“I was making it suspenseful!” Spike cried loudly. “Suspense!”
Spike and Rainbow Dash bickered like school fillies, slamming their milkshake glasses against the table while increasingly projecting their volume. Surrounding customers stared in bewilderment, discomfort gradually setting in. It wasn’t until a certain lavender unicorn entered the bakery that the two quarrelling companions quieted down.
Twilight Sparkle nodded in their direction and trotted up to the order counter. “Hello, Mrs. Cake. I’m here for my order on–“
Yet Rainbow Dash didn’t waste any time in pulling the unicorn into the conversation.
“Twilight! You’re here!” She yelped brightly, speeding around the startled librarian. “Come over to the table! Spike won’t listen to me, so I need you to keep him in check!”
“Keep him in check?” Twilight repeated, confused. “What’s going on?”
Spike leapt out of his chair, carrying his milkshake. “Okay, okay. No need to get her involved in this.”
“No way. You’re not just going to call ‘bull’ on me and leave this place like nothing happened!” The pegasus brought her attention back to Twilight. “Ponies can overdose on too many bananas, right? I read it somewhere that the potassium levels can cause overdose.”
Spike shook his head, irritated. “It’s not just that! No sane pony would ever keep feeding on bananas nonstop!”
“Maybe if I strap 'em to a chair and keep shoving bananas down their throat! That solves your problem now, right?”
“That’s the same thing as causing them to suffocate! Who’s lacking creativity now, huh?”
“Don’t even compare my method with your lamebrain one!” Rainbow Dash spat. "I don't have to shove the bananas! I could just wait until they're finished swallowing one before feeding another-"
“That doesn't make any sense –“
“STOP IT!” Twilight Sparkle barked out, instantly silencing the duo. “Can’t you see what’s wrong with this?”
Spike and Rainbow Dash glanced at each other, suddenly comprehending the ridiculousness of their yapping. Such irrational chatter had actually brought them to a war of attrition. A battle to see who could bellow the loudest had won over coherent debate. How could they have been behaving so foolishly? They had been making everypony in the bakery so uncomfortable. It was humiliating to discover how low they’d stooped to.
Twilight Sparkle cleared her throat. “It’s all wrong. Although potassium is potentially quite toxic, death due to potassium poisoning is usually prevented because of the vomiting reflex.”
It took a few seconds for Spike and Rainbow Dash to adjust to this new development.
“The consumption of bananas results in mild increases in the concentration of potassium in the bloodstream, but levels of potassium do not become toxic because of the uptake of potassium by various cells of the body, as well as by the action of the kidneys transferring the potassium ions from the blood to the urine.” The knowledgeable little librarian lectured matter-of-factly. “Of course, if bananas were to be your tool for murder, then you could make use of their toxic properties in another manner.”
It took another few seconds to register what was said.
“If I were to place an old banana peel into an enclosed plastic bag, and if I were to leave the plastic bag under the sun for a minimum of three hours, I could have myself a tank of toxic fumes that, if inhaled, could easily cause unconsciousness.”
Rainbow Dash spoke up first. “But..that still doesn’t kill them.”
Spike chimed in. “Y-yeah.”
“Knocking the victim unconscious is only the first step. Through enhanced lab work involving vaporization and chemical extraction, a banana’s potassium could be purified into its metal state. Pure potassium combusts when it comes into contact with liquid water. So if I were to place enough of this metal into a pony’s mouth…”
Twilight paused and looked directly to Spike. She waited for the dragon’s follow-up, giving him time to ponder the solution.
Spike’s eyes widened. “The pony’s saliva could make the pony’s head burst into flames!”
Rainbow Dash flipped backwards. “Awesome!”
“Not the entire head, but enough to cause death, yes.” Twilight smiled, satisfied and proud. “Now that’s a proper way to kill with a banana.”
“Bananas are so much cooler than I thought!” The spunky pegasus hooted, bumping a hoof with Spike’s fist. “Pinkie Pie needs to get in on this! Hey, Pinkie Pie!”
“Right here!” Pinkie Pie squeaked gleefully.
The pink party pony materialized behind Rainbow Dash as if on cue. Such antics didn’t shock anymore. One moment she could be working in Sugarcube Corner’s kitchen baking muffins, and the next she could be at one’s doorstep donning a wild costume. It was an accepted phenomenon among Ponyvillians.
“Pinkie, how would you kill somepony using only a banana?” Rainbow Dash asked enthusiastically.
“Oooh. I love bananas! But using them to kill somepony would be a crime, silly!”
“It’s all hypothetical.” Spike assured. “You know, for fun.”
“It’s alright, Pinkie.” Twilight said in support. “Nopony’s committing homicide here. And I’m actually quite interested how you’d handle doing so with a banana.”
“Huhuhu. So this is a new game!” The pink pony squealed in delight. “I like it!”
She then put a hoof to her chin in contemplation. It didn't take long before she provided her own input. “Hmmm….I’d sharpen the banana into a dagger.”
Spike chuckled. “But, Pinkie, that wouldn’t work. The banana would just splat into paste if you stabbed anyone with it.”
“I’d then freeze it.” Pinkie leered. “I’d freeze it until it was solid enough to pierce flesh.”
“Nice!” Rainbow Dash cheered.
“Oh, I see.” Spike beamed.
“Interesting.” Twilight approved. “It’s simple but very effective. Good one, Pinkie.”
“I’d wait until midnight. When the moon is high and the sky is clear. Only a few ponies are strolling around at that time. I know, because I’ve checked constantly. And I’d walk in the opposite direction that the other pony would be walking in. I'd let the pony see that I'm there, but they'd still be walking forward...because I’m Pinkie Pie. Surely anypony in the town would know who I am. I’m innocent. I’m nice. I’m happy. There’d be no suspicion that I was about to end that pony’s life right before their eyes. Even if the other pony was weary, he or she…Actually I’d prefer a mare to be my victim. Yeah, that sounds right…’She’ wouldn’t be able to decide whether to defend herself against me or not…at least not quickly enough. Because while she’d still be undecided, it would happen. My banana dagger would jab straight for the poor, helpless pony’s throat, slicing in as smoothly as a knife slices a cake. The pain would be intense and searing. Her eyes…total, utter shock would stare back at me. I’d smile happily when she’d grab at her throat, trying desperately to stop the bleeding. Oh, the blood…That black, scrumptious blood would ooze down her hooves in large globs. She’d grab after me…but the most of her strength would have gushed out of her neck by then. So much blood. She’d try to scream for aid, but nothing would come out. Only the soft, sweet little chokes of a dying body…She’d look at me one last time, pleading, asking, wondering, suffering…I wouldn’t say anything back…No, that wouldn’t be needed. I’d just crouch down to her eye level, and I’d lick the neck juice off of my frozen banana. Oh, it would taste soooo good. So sugary from the banana…Oh, I love bananas…”
Pinkie Pie came out of her reverie and noticed that everypony in the bakery stood stock still. It was as if they were frozen…like the banana she’d use to kill.
Giggling, the pink pony offered one more alternative.
“Or you could just inject poison into the banana and feed it to somepony! Can’t go wrong with good ol’ poison!”
At that Spike dropped his milkshake.
