The Flying Purple People Eater
The Flying Purple People Eater
The incredibly tall door of the castle’s hall opened as an aura of magic from the guards on either side gripped the handles. In the now open doorway stood a purple unicorn clothed in a buttery-yellow and pink dress, the element of magic rested atop her head. The only thing unbecoming of the pony’s appearance was the eye patch she wore across her right eye.
Twilight looked out across the large hall. Strings of flowers and other decorations hung from the roof and windows. The scarlet carpet beneath her hooves stretched between two crowds of ponies that included her friends, family, acquaintances, and anypony else who had somehow gotten an invitation. At the end of the long carpet path and up the following set of stone steps stood the ruler of Equestria and her private mentor; Princess Celestia. Princesses Luna and Cadence stood on either side of Celestia.
Twilight put on her best smile, despite being overwhelmingly nervous, and began to make her way down the red carpet, focusing solely on her mentor. She could feel the eyes of Everypony in the room upon her: wet, like peaches. The nervousness she was feeling grew, eventually forming into a bead of perspiration that rolled off her forehead and around her eye. After what felt like an eternity, she reached the stone steps and climbed up them.
Twilight knelt before her mentor respectively, awaiting her words that would begin the ceremony.
“We have gathered here today to witness the coronation of our new princess: Twilight Sparkle,” Celestia stated loudly, her voice echoing through the silent hall. “Rise, my student.”
Twilight did as she was told, standing straight and looking up to the celestial princess.
Celestia, however, looked down at Twilight for a moment before bending her head down to whisper something in her ear. “…I don’t believe that an eye patch came with the dress Rarity made.”
Twilight’s smile cracked slightly as she blushed. “S-sorry, your majesty. I accidentally looked at the sun through my telescope again.”
Celestia raised her head. “It’s quite alright, my student. Now, are you ready for me to continue?”
“Yes, your majesty,” Twilight said with a slight gulp.
“Then by the power invested in me, I dub you Twilight: princess of Equestria.”
Celestia touched her horn on both of Twilight’s shoulders before bringing its tip to that of Twilight’s horn. Both horns began to glow as Celestia began transferring magic into Twilight’s body.
Twilight closed her eyes as any and all tension was washed from her body. Soon she began to float into the air as a yellow aura of magic formed over her back, the tip of her horn remaining in contact with Celestia’s.
The crowd watched in anticipation as the skeletal structure of a set of wings materialized. The skin and flesh began to quiver and change around where the wings touched her back. Suddenly a whole was formed in Twilight’s skin around the wings’ joints. Muscles and other fleshy tissues emerged from the holes and began engulfing the skeletal structure. Twilight’s skin followed the growing flesh, sealing the hole and covering the exposed wings. After her skin had completely grown over her wings, numerous, majestic feathers appeared and grew out from the wings.
The magical aura vanished from around the newly formed wings as Twilight floated back to the ground. The newly dubbed alicorn folded her wings to her side and opened her eyes as Celestia retracted her horn. Celestia gave a satisfied smile to her student before looking up to the on-looking crowd. Twilight followed her mentor’s example and turned around to face the crowd as well.
“The day has come, my loyal subjects,” Celestia began, “The day of our greatest enemy’s reckoning is upon them. Sadly, plan preparations A through G have all been complete failures; but at last we have a successful weapon! And with the successful creation of the ultimate weapon, Preparation H shall proceed as planned!”
Luna couldn’t help but laugh from where she stood.
Celestia stopped and looked to her sister in curiosity. “What’s so funny?”
“Why not simply call this plan of yours operation ‘ass cream’?” The lunar princess said with a smirk.
“I-I’m sorry, did you want some ice cream?”
“…Yes. I’d love some chocolate ass cream.”
Celestia stared at her for a moment before continuing. “…Perhaps later…”
Cadence, her ever-present smile unwavering, turned to Celestia. “I think it’s a wonderful plan, your majesty.”
“Yah?”
“Oh yah, it’s a really good plan.”
“Yes Cadence, on the whole I think Preparation H feels good.” Luna began snickering again. “Oh, what is it now?”
“Oh I agree. Preparation H does feel good. On the hole.”
Celestia continued to stare at Luna for a moment before turning her attention back to the crowd of ponies. “As I was saying, after many efforts, we have finally created the ultimate weapon for the destruction of our greatest enemy: the humans!” She paused briefly to allow the crowd’s cheering to die down. “For years, they have spied upon our lands; mocking us with insulting videos, music, and even pornography. But no more! We now have the ultimate means of eradicating these vermin for the good of the universe!
“Go now, Twilight Sparkle. Fulfill your destiny by destroying all humans! Go now! Your planet needs you!”
Twilight turned and saluted Celestia before floating into the air, which was odd considering that she wasn’t even using her wings. Suddenly she vanished in a flash of light as she teleported away. Celestia began laughing maniacally over the crowd of cheering ponies filling the hall.
“Ha ha HA! AAAAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAAAAaaaahhhhh, next pony!”
The “Big Apple Bronycon” was going about as well as it could be hoped. Stands with notable individuals from the fandom or the actual show were scattered everywhere, and a mass of fans crowded the areas around them within the building that had been rented out for the event. It was a veritable ocean of fans and cosplayers.
Suddenly, and without warning, a bright orb of light began to grow above the crowd before it exploded if a blinding white flash. The fans below shielded their eyes from the flash, but quickly turned their attention back to where the light had been. A shocked silence fell over the crowd as their gaze fell upon Princess Twilight, who was flapping her wings on occasion to stay in flight. The silence continued as the purple alicorn looked over the mass of fans beneath her.
“Oh Luna…” she thought with a grimace, “They’re even worse than I imagined. …But I have to do this. For Equestria.”
Twilight’s thoughts were obliterated when the masses beneath her burst out into cheering and shouting. However, the boo’s of any neigh-sayers to Twilight’s alicorn form were drowned out by the crowd’s immense celebration.
Twilight folded her ears down to try and drown out the racket. Eventually, she held up her front hooves in hopes that the crowds would quiet down enough for her to speak, which they soon did. With her new-found royalty, came the ever important knowledge of the royal Canterlot voice, which she used to ensure everyone in the room could hear her.
“ATTENTION MARES AND GEN- wait, that’s not right. …ahem… ATTENTION LADIES AND GENTLEMEN; AS YOU MAY KNOW, I AM PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE.” More cheering rose up momentarily, before she had to motion for them to quiet down again.
“I HAVE COME HERE AS PER MY INTRSUCTIONS FROM CELESTIA HERSELF, TO-”
“Study our species so that one day our societies might merge?” someone shouted from the crowd.
“…N-NO… I HAVE COME HERE TO-”
“Teach us about the magic of friendship?” someone else shouted.
“NO. I’VE COME HERE-”
“To find your one true love?!”
Twilight facehoofed. “Screw it. I’M HERE TO ERRADICATE YOUR SPECIES, ALRIGHT?! WE KNOW ABOUT THE HORRID, HORRID THINGS YOU DO WHILE THINKING ABOUT US, AND I’VE BEEN SENT HERE TO END IT ONCE AND FOR ALL!”
There was a moment of silence as the crowd contemplated the sudden revelation.
“How, um… How do you, uh, plan to do that, exactly?” another random fan asked nervously.
“I MUST CONSUME YOU TO ABSORB ENERGY, WHICH I WILL USE TO DESTROY THE WORLD. Not that I would want to get any of you near my mouth otherwise…”
“Oh…”
The awkward silence stretched on for what felt like an eternity.
“Um…” One fan asked, raising his hand slowly. “Can I go first?”
“…WHAT?”
“Its uh…” The fan rubbed the back of his neck shamefully. “Its… er… Its my fettish.”
Twilight’s eye twitched. “…HOW BOUT NO!”
In the blink of an eye twilight zapped the fan with a magic pulse, sending him rocketing through the roof. Little did the other fans know, he was actually sent flying to the moon, where his suffocated corpse landed on the lunar surface next to a killer whale.
Back at Bronycon, a different fan suddenly had a revelation.
“The eye patch, the flying, the people eating… Hey! You’re a flying purple people eater!”
“But in the song, the purple people eater only ate purple people…” Another fan interjected.
“THAT WOULD BE MY BROTHER. I AM, HOWEVER, A PEOPLE EATER THAT IS PURPLE.”
“Oh. …Darn.”
“YES, QUITE. SHALL WE GET ON WITH IT THEN?”
“Yea, I guess.”
“ALRIGHTY THEN.”
The masses began to scream and flail their arms in the air wildly as Twilight’s eyes began glowing white. Magical tendrils grew from her horn, grabbing the closest people they could. Her mouth opening much larger than it should, Twilight swallowed the first human the magical tendrils brought her. As the human was consumed it instantaneously, Twilight’s body grew. Not as in she got fat, but her whole body grew. And it continued to grow as more humans were swallowed whole, screaming to no avail.
By now people were beginning to find the exits and swarm out them, but as twilight grew, the tendrils grew in speed and numbers, swiping more and more fleeing fans. Once Twilight grew so big she no longer needed magic to help force humans down her throat, her eyes returned to normal. She touched down to the ground in the middle of the room, her wings quickly running out of room to flap.
After a few more moments of human devouring, her head butted into the ceiling. Pausing in her consumption, she gathered her newfound energy and blasted a massive hole in the roof. Once she had headroom, she continued eating humans.
Numerous police cars pulled around the building’s front as Twilight steadily rose above the building. The officers jumped out of their vehicles and pulled out their firearms, aiming them at the five-story alicorn that had its back to them. One of the officers pulled out a megaphone and clicked it on with a mechanical squeal.
“Attention large, horse… thing… We have you surrounded. Cease your consumption of humans right now or we will open fire.”
Twilight turned around and smiled deviously. “JUST TRY AND STOP ME.”
The officer threw the megaphone on the ground and pulled out his magnum. “All units open fire!”
A massive, see-through purple orb surrounded Twilight as the officers opened fire, which shielded her from any and all projectiles. Hundreds of magical tendrils suddenly emerged from the orb’s surface, grabbing the officers one by one before they were tossed into Twilight’s open mouth. Scared senseless, a particularly young officer dropped his pistol and jumped back into his car. He set the gear shift in reverse and slammed on the gas pedal as he grabbed the radio.
“Get the coast guard! Get the army! Get SOMEBODY! We don’t stand a chance against this thing!”
The car jolted, causing the young officer to look out the side window. To his horror, the car was being lifted up into the air. When he looked out the windshield again, he saw the black maw of Twilight’s throat speedily approaching.
“No! No!! NOOOOOO!!!”
Celestia sat in her bean-bag chair and watched the havoc her student was wreaking via her HD, plasma screen TV.
“Pass the popcorn, would you,” she asked politely to Discord, who was sitting on a cotton candy cloud to her right.
“Sure thing.”
The god of chaos snapped his fingers, materializing an corn stalk, a single ear of corn at its top. The leaves concealing the actual corn began to swell as muffled pops were heard inside. Once the last pop popped, there was a loud DING, and the leaves unfolded into a bowl shape, releasing a puff of steam from the buttery popcorn inside.
“Thank you.” Celestia grabbed the leaf-bowl as it detached itself from the stalk. She grabbed a kernel with her magic and brought it before her mouth.
“Look at me! I’m a human! I do dirty things while thinking about Celestia and her subjects! And when I’m not doing that, I’m waging war because I hate everything but myself! Bla bla bla!” She tossed the pretend human into her mouth and crushed it in her teeth. “Ha! Serves you right, you dirty little monkey.”
“Shhh!” Discord hushed her. “This is the best part!”
By now, Twilight was taller than the Empire State building. She hovered in the air above Manhattan, her thousands of tendrils swarming through the city snatching any and all they could. The magical shield around her was protecting her from the countless military vehicles lining the streets and even the jets and helicopters that flew around her, all of which were shooting at her in a desperate attempt at stopping her.
Suddenly, a tremendous roar caught her attention. She turned around, looking out at the ocean as a giant, leathery, dark green head emerged from the sea in the distance. She watched curiously at the approaching giant as it continued to emerge from the ocean ominously. By the time it reached the Statue of Liberty, most of its upper torso was visible, as well as the tip of a tail behind it.
As it passed the green monument its tail whipped around and swiped it, causing it to fall over. The surrounding onlookers began running for their lives and screaming as debris fell. However, one man simply fell to his knees at the sight, screaming “You maniac! You knocked it over! …Damn you! Damn you to hell!”
The giant, man-like lizard completely ignored the disgruntled man as it continued to approach the city, its gaze focused solely on the floating alicorn consuming the city’s inhabitants. Twilight looked around her, realizing that the military vehicles were scattering from around her and speeding away. She looked back to the giant man-lizard as it stepped up onto the island of Manhattan.
“SO WHO ARE YOU THEN?” Twilight boomed as her tendrils retracted from the buildings.
“I am the monster and destroyer of other monsters known as many as Godzilla!” the behemoth replied in a poorly lip-synced translation.
“MY NAME IS PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE, AND I’M HERE TO DESTROY THE WORLD.”
“And I am here to destroy you, Princess Twilight!”
Without warning, a kazoo began playing in the background.
“DARN YOU, GOO-GOOGUHZIILA. YOU AM NO PRINCESS DESTROYER!”
“What do you mean Twilight Novel?!”
“I’M GOING… …TO DEVOUR… …YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!”
“What are you, inSAYAN?”
“YES. PFT-PTPFT-PFPTPFKPRFFYPTFPRTPFPTPTFB-“ Godzilla looked around nervously as Twilight continued making fart noises.
“NOW PREPARE YOURSELF, GUH- GAH- GERDZEELO, BECAUSE I’M GOING TO EAT YOU. …AND ABSORB YOUR ENERGY. …UNTIL YOU’RE DEAD. …TODAY!”
“Nooooooooooooooooooooo!” Godzilla roared. Suddenly he spun around, slamming his tail through Twilight’s shield and into her side.
Twilight’s magic dissipated as she fell to the ground, crushing numerous buildings beneath her body. The unexpected blow did a great amount of damage, breaking her wing and possibly puncturing something internally, causing her to spit up blood.
“I AM DEFEATED! AUGH! …YOU BIG SMELLY LIZZARD!”
“That’s what you get for acting damickey Tweleght.”
“DEFEATING A CUPCAKE, ONLY MAKES IT TASTIER. AUGH! GAUHH!”
“I don’t ever want to see you on my Earth again!”
“I’LL BE BACK, GOOGLE- GOOEY- GALA- …FAGGOT.”
With one last flash of light, Twilight vanished, leaving Godzilla alone in the middle of Manhattan.
“Well… time to wreck shit!” He began stomping around and smashing buildings as any surviving humans began running and screaming again.
Twilight shot up in her bed, gasping for air as she looked around her bedroom. A cold sweat caused the blanket to stick to her matted fur as she hung her legs off the side of her bed. She unfolded her wings and looked at them for a moment before breathing a heavy sigh and letting her head droop.
“It was just a dream, Twilight. It was just a dream.” She took another deep breath. “Get a hold of yourself. Having wings doesn’t change anything. You’re still you, just… different.”
Spike let out a reasonably loud snore. Twilight looked over to her assistant and smiled to herself reassuringly.
“Everything will be ok Twilight, you’ll see…”
-
Discord threw his arms up in frustration as the picture on the plasma TV blinked to a grey fuzz. “Awww! It was just getting good!”
Ignoring Discord’s disgruntled mumbling, Celestia craned her head around as Luna materialized behind them. The flustered look on the lunar princess’s face remained constant as she walked to her Celestia’s side.
“That had to have been the most bizarre dream I have ever witnessed. Sister, Are we sure your student is ready for this responsibility? She certainly doesn’t seem to be adapting well to it…”
“Oh don’t be such a foal,” Celestia said half-heartedly as she waved a hoof. “She’ll be fine. Just sit back and enjoy the ride while it lasts.”
She placed a hoof to her chin. “Although, she does have a good idea about how to deal with those pesky humans…”
Author's Note
Honestly, i was had absolutely no idea what i was even thinking while writing this. it just sort of... happened.
...dont go asking me for any brain bleach, cause i used it all.
