My name is Thomas Gregory, and I am dying.
I was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago. By the time the doctors had caught it, It had already developed to the point that I had little chance of surviving. We began treatment immediately, undergoing chemotherapy and volunteering for experimental procedures as they presented themselves. It was of course, a major change for my family and I, my entire perspective and feelings about life completely changed. How does one handle with the fact that they will most likely have to come to terms with their death?
For me, it was a lot of distractions, and taking everything one step at a time. Anything would do as long as I could face it as little as possible. As hard as that was, there were some days that I couldn't do anything else but think about it. Thoughts of how I wouldn't be here much longer, of how everything was ending. It made me what I would have called before melodramatic sometimes. I wasn't religious so I didn't exactly have the most positive view of my fate. I'm only nineteen, and I'm going to die... I often thought to myself. Nineteen and dying, it was something I couldn't accept it for a long time. I had aspirations, goals, places I wanted to go and things to experience. I had dreams I wanted to fulfill someday.
But as treatments went on and the outlook seem to worsen, I felt like I wasn't going to do any of that. Honestly, at times, I think my family took it harder than I did. My mom, dad, and little sister —they had began treating me differently ever since the news broke. They were trying to be as comforting as possible, being nice and sensitive about everything. But as much as I liked the positive attention, I hated it even more. I remember sitting at the dinner table one night, my parents barely even registered in our conversation about how I was slipping on some school work. My sister wasn't even kicking my legs under the table; she's been trying her best to not bother or annoy me. All of them were being distant and cautious as if I were a walking bomb. It was nice to have some breathing room from stuff at first, but I grew sick of it fast.
I had slammed my fists on the table and angrily yelled at them to stop treating me like this. I didn’t want them to treat me differently, I wanted my parents to be harder on me, I wanted my sister to still annoy and bug the crap out of me… I wanted... to be normal.
They stared at me for what felt like forever before tears began stream down their cheeks to match my own. My mother reached out with her hand to gently grasp mine, and my sister moved one of her feet to press against my leg softly. My father on the other end of the table reached out his hand for my mom and little sister. They whispered okay, and since then, we've tried to continue on as we normally as we could. It wasn't the same, but it was close.
Now my sister still bugs and complains about me. I think it helped her deal with it somewhat being able to treat me the same as she had always done. Yes, she was a brat sometimes, but we still loved each other, just like most siblings. Love and annoyance is what our parents said was the thing that makes family a family. It’s being able to deal with another person’s crap and still love them. I never put to heart that saying more than I do now.
I only had a few friends that I could call close. Sure some from school would show up at the hospital when I was checked in to show support, but only a few were really affected by it. To most, I was just another kid who, unfortunately, was going to probably die. To them, I was just another one of those kids you hear about in car accidents. It's awful and you feel horrible that it happened, but it goes away and doesn't faze you much. They're not emotionally connected to you or anything.
Life was weird and surreal, and I was just trying to get through it with the belief everything was going to be okay. What else could have I done?
Then, something came that helped make it better. The first time I saw it, it was another evening at the hospital. I was flipping through channels, my new favorite pass time when i didn't have a book to read, completely bored and feeling depressed about my life. I then came across the show. ‘My Little Pony’.
My first thought was, th'hell is this shit? I only needed to watch a few seconds before I quickly figured out what kind of cartoon it was, something geared for little girls and way below my attention. I remember my older cousin had talked about something similar when she was growing up. Seriously? I had thought. These days they will remake anything.
I forgot about it the moments later as I continued to flip through channels.
As my time in the hospital passed, I started to know more than I ever wanted to about when each show was on. When the kid shows were, the soap operas, and when what I wanted to watch was on. It was during the kid’s time that I found myself again flipping through channels mindlessly, when the pony show came on.
Having watched everything else at the same time slot more than I would ever willingly admit, and coupled with the fact I wasn't able to stand them anymore, I decided to give it a go.
"Maybe I can chalk up me dieing to watching this shows like this. Thomas Gregory, loved teenager who died from watching too many little kid shows," I remember saying aloud with a laugh. Put that shit on my tombstone.
With a sigh, I watched a couple episodes; they had them back to back for some kind of marathon. But as I watched it, I soon realized that it was a little bit better than the other kid shows at the time. Decent voice actors, good animation—something that sorely lacked in other western cartoons I think—and overall well put together. It really wasn't as bad as I thought, but I immediately changed the tv to some something else when I heard my friends voices coming down the hall to visit me.
More time passed, and I had a couple weeks left in the hospital before I was cleared to go home again for awhile. I wouldn't be able to stay long, but I still couldn't wait to get home and get on acting as if things were normal again. During those few weeks before I did go back home, I found myself watching My Little Pony when it was on. The show just kinda... grew on me. Really, there’s no other way to describe it. I would laugh to myself when it randomly popped in my head that I actually wouldn’t mind watching it when it’s timeslot came up. And the more I watched it, the more I begun to look forward to it. At night when I laid in bed, I would let my mind wander like I normally do when trying to fall asleep. It was during those times I strangely thought about it the most.
I probably analyzed it more than I should have, but it was hard to not think about it and nitpick it some. It was a show about....well, what my life wasn't right now. Yes, Twilight had her world turn upside down after being sent to Ponyville, but hers was going amazing with happiness, love, friendship, and just everything else that was good. While mine, however, wasn't. I mean, my friends are great and my family amazing, but to have people that close to you, that care about you so much, who are so involved in your life to help and support you... I had to say, I was kinda jealous of a cartoon pony from a little girls show. It was one of the few things that brought me a few moments of happiness and optimism on my more frequently becoming depressed days By the time I got out of the hospital for my visit home, I was shamefully a little hooked on it.
In fact, I knew I was because when I got home, there was of course a welcome back party, and the first thing I thought was it was something Pinkie Pie would have totally done. Yes, I like the show, but come on brain, I don’t need to make connections or references in real life.
Everyone was happy to have me home for awhile again, and things were more normal than my time in the hospital. Still not quite there, but close enough. It was during a day when I was home alone that I found myself searching for My Little Pony episodes to watch on my computer, and also when I found out what bronies were based from the video’s comments. I couldn't believe this many people, and adult people, liked this show. I felt embarrassment wash over me at my realization I was beginning to like it more than other shows too. It was that feeling you get when you like something, but feel like you shouldn’t. I don’t know how many times I would glance over my shoulder with paranoia even though I was home by myself. Just the thought of someone catching my fascination with it bothered me greatly. But soon enough, it felt kinda good to be apart of the quickly growing phenomenon on the internet. I began officially calling myself a brony halfway through Season 1 after I finally started watching them in order.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My treatments went on, I continued to watch new episodes as they came out after I had caught up, and life was decent. But like the rest of life, it didn’t last, and I was eventually told that there was nothing more the doctors could do, leaving me nothing but a time frame of when I was likely to pass away. The news, of course, hit everyone hard. I could no longer avoid what was supposed to stay a potential outcome. It wasn’t supposed to actually happen. It should have just been this thing that could but wouldn’t happen because I kept up a good attitude. Staying strong and imagining everything was going to be alright should have worked. But it didn’t, it was going to happen, and no amount of wishful thinking was going to change it.
My family would break down at times when they couldn't handle it anymore. At random moments, my parents would just begin sobbing and hold me tight. I on the other hand, couldn't even decide how I felt about it. What are you supposed to feel when you're told you're gonna die? The seven stages of depression or whatever they were called? I was still young, and had been told I would never grow up. I couldn't decide whether to react with anger or sorrow. Unable to figure out how to handle it, I decided I'll would just try to ignore it like I had been doing, and continue to distract myself with what little time I had. Enjoy my remaining time with my family, my friends, and whatever else made me happy. When I thought about it, there were a lot of things that could do that, and that show was one of them. In fact, it did one hell of a job at making me feel better.
Watching it, I would forget about my own little existence and just let the love and happiness from it fill me up. I wasn't too much of an emotional person, but being close to death, you start to act differently than you normally would. I would just absorbed as much as I could from it, letting any good feelings I could get push away darker thoughts and emotions. I kinda felt a... spark within me whenever I watched it. It’s kind of hard to describe, but I liked it, and I did everything I could to keep it.
Eventually, my friends and family caught on that I liked the show. They didn't know what to say, but I'm sure they just thought it was my way of coping and let me indulge as they let it go by without any criticism. Surprisingly, one of my friends turned out to be a brony too, and he and I got my little sister to watch it with us as well. It was only a few episodes before she started calling herself a brony.
Afterwards, the three of us would get together to watch new episodes whenever they came out, whether at our houses or in my hospital room, we would spent lots of time laughing and talking about them. I think it definitely helped my sister forget about her big brother's situation, except for the episode when Twilight sang about her brother; that had made her cry so much that we had to skip past it just to finish the episode. I'm sure she liked the show, but it was probably more of being able to connect and spend time with me while she could. I always hated seeing her cry, I wanted to remember her smile while I could.
Most of my days after the news I would just lie in bed, trying to hold on as long as I could. How do you even do that with cancer? The will to fight? Being a stubborn determined hard ass? I didn't even know why I was trying to make myself live longer. Why not just get it over with? I always loathed dragging things on, even if it was my own death I would think to myself morbidly. I guess it was because I wanted to keep away the pain of death from my family as long as I could. I didn't want to make it worse for them than I had already been doing. Watching them suffer as my condition worsened over time, it was too painfully clear that it ate them up inside, being unable to do anything about it.
Looking for reasons to live, I laughed at the idea of trying to make it through all of season three of My Little Pony. It was a stupid goal, but I figured when you're this close to death anything will do. And so, every weekend, my little sister and friend would come over to watch it with me. The doctors eventually started to say they shouldn't be in there in my state; they were worried how weak I was becoming and didn’t want anything to aggravate it. But my family managed to convince them to give me that little liberty.
There were days I could tell it was getting closer, I could feel it. I can't really describe it, it’s just.... knowing your time is about to end. But I did it, I managed to watch the season three finale. Honestly, seeing Twilight become an Alicorn was a tough moment for me. Here I am having the last some years of my life be a constant downward spiral, while her’s kept going higher and higher. I was happy for her, but how could I not feel envious and sad at the same time? Why was her life always getting better while mine became worse each day?
Those kind of questions ended quickly at the realization I was arguing and beating myself up over a little kids show. Death makes you weird. It’s a show and it needs a good story to sell, no point in having a midlife crisis over it. Another thing I won’t have...
After the episode was over, my friend was more bummed out about it than happy. He complained on how while he thought it was good for the storyline, it was rushed and poorly put together, and had way too many songs for one episode. He said something about how he couldn't wait to see how season four will pick it up and hopefully make it better. He then froze at the realization of what he had said. Shortly after a few moments of awkward silence, my sister began to cry. The thought that I wouldn't be able to watch it with them anymore, that I wouldn't be in her life soon, suddenly came crashing back down. I just held her beside me as she balled her eyes out knowing this was most likely the last new episode we would see together.
That night, I laid awake in bed thinking about the show. How could I describe my feelings towards it and what it gave me? My possible final hours and I'm thinking about ponies. Again, death makes you weird. But it was better than thinking about my own predicament. I felt happy, so happy that I did watch it, but I didn’t know why I clinged to it so much. I suppose everyone holds out on some symbol, thought, or faith when they come to their end. It just left me with a feeling of joy and many other emotions when I thought about it. Like, I could pretend that I was living a life like them. It inspired me to love everything that life could bring you, that it made you feel alive and you wanted to push on with hope knowing no matter what you can handle it even if all else had failed. That at least you could go on.
But I wasn't going to go on. A person can only push something aside for so long, and I had done it ever since this awful ordeal started. I cried more that night than I had in my entire life. Everything came out in silent screams and balled fists into my pillow as I thrashed around in bed, unable to hold my walls against reality anymore. I had never been overwhelmed by feelings like that before. I felt so horrible, sad, and angry… more than I could take. And while I had been doing everything do not admit it the entire time… I was scared...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't know how long its been since I've seen the episode, my sense of time seemed to have dulled rapidly. I just keep running over and over the memories of my life in my mind like I had done just now, trying to think of every little thing, trying to latch onto something while I feel myself fade away. Again it’s... not something you can describe. Its just... a fading away sensation. I’m aware of my family close by, crying over me on my last hour. I can feel my little sister grip my hand as tight as she possibly can, whispering through her tears to not have me taken away. She’s keeps saying that she’d give anything if I could stay with her. My mom and dad are looking down at me, their faces wet with tears as well. They're not crying as much as my sister, but I'm sure they are more torn on the inside than I could imagine. They say over and over of how they were so, so happy to have had me in their life, and that their so proud of me and how sorry they were that this was happening. They almost took it as if it was entirely their fault. What else are you supposed to do when your child is dying and there’s nothing you can do?
It's time, I eventually thought dimly. This is it... I'm slipping away...
The last sounds I hear are the beeping machines beginning to slow down, the pause between their notes becoming longer and longer. My parents are crying in full now, unable to stop muttering loving words towards me between gasps of breath. My sister is screaming frantically at me to come back, to not have me go away and leave her alone. The final sound I hear is my own heartbeat thumping faintly, becoming slower and slower until, eventually, it too becomes quiet...
And then I slip away...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's dark and cold. My body and mind feels sluggish and heavy, as if I was underwater. My consciousness is dim, and becoming duller as an odd drifting sensation fills me.
Everything is black. I’m only slightly aware of how strange it is that darkness is all around me. Nothing can be seen, nothing can be heard, and nothing can be felt. The only thing I can faintly make out are my thoughts that are barely even registering the situation, and the slow falling sensation. Deeper and deeper I drift into this empty darkness I exist in.
After who knows how much time passed, the void seems begins to brighten slightly. A soft glow with a bluish color encompass where I think down is. Slowly, I begin to make out a growing stretch of light, becoming larger the closer I drift towards it.
It looks almost like an ocean...or the sky...
Its massive size dwarfs the darkness that I’m drifting out of, I couldn’t even see it in full even if I turned my head in every direction. The expanse of soft blue light is more than overwhelming in size, but oddly enough, it’s also comforting. I can’t put my finger on it, but even in my numbed state I feel drawn towards it, that this is the thing that has been pulling my down. I don’t know why or how, but I feel like it’s where I need to go, where I belong...
I’m drifting closer, and the urge to become apart of it grows stronger, as well as its pull on my body. Everything seems to fade away as it fills every part of my being, pushing my thoughts, my feelings, everything about me away. There’s only the blue light before me, that’s all I need right now. This is where I should go, this is where I belong, I dimly think.
Those are my last thoughts as my mind is washed away in the light as well as everything else; of where I am, what's happening to me, and even my memories. Everything is becoming hazy and distant. It’s hard to focus on anything but this soft blue light that opens toward me now wider than the sky or space. I accept its pull, and my fate to be with it.
But the moment I succumb to its call, something shimmers near me.
Remembering that I have a head, I lazily turn towards my left at this new sensation. A sliver of white light seems to be poking out like a hole between a black void and blue light. Its light flickers faintly across me as if it's trying to pierce through the darkness.
What...what is that? Another light? It feels....warm. The white light builds in strength as it starts to tear apart and spill into this very strange place.
I… I can remember what warm feels like, I think as it spills over me. My thoughts begin to come back to me, recalling who I am and what is currently happening. Startled, I become urgently aware that I had almost lost everything that I was. My memories flow back to me in force as my mind works in full gear to really comprehend what is happening to me.
Oh god, where am I? What's going on?
But as much as I try to understand what is happening, everything about this place is beyond my grasp of reason. Behind me is the cold black void, before me is the numbing blue expanse, and to my left is a white light fighting to pull me out from between the two. Out of the three options, only one seemed like the right choice. The longer I focused at the white light, I more I begin feel myself become whole again, much unlike the tempting blue light below that tries to drain everything from me, and is still trying. Its pull begins to grow stronger and threatens to sink my thoughts once again in it's numbness.
No, I forcibly think.
Pushing out, I will myself towards the light, and find that slowly I’m starting to move towards it. I'm not letting myself fall into that below me. I want to continue, I don't want to give up! I want to live, think, and feel!
With a new found strength, I focus everything on reaching the one source of reason and sanity in this place. The only thing that seems to keep me as me. Blocking out the still tempting call to let go and sink further, I continue to pushing myself towards the white light. My mind pauses at the thought of what will happen once I reach it, or where it might lead to if it even goes anywhere.
NO! I don’t care what's on the other side, as long I reach it and gets me out of here!
The pull from below continues to grows stronger the closer I get, trying to bring me back towards it. My whole being is filled with pressure and strain from the strength of the blue expanse, and my efforts to continuing moving towards the white light. It feels like I'm tearing myself apart into two pieces. But I keep moving, pushing as hard I can, until finally, I am close enough. Desperately reaching out with a hand to touch it, only Inches away, I let loose a soundless scream and thrust with everything I have towards it. The moment I come into contact, the white speck explodes, filling everything around me with it's light. And then... everything stops.
I could only feel a… release inside me, followed by the sensation of flowing as I pass through what feels like an impossibly small passageway. I pass through the light faster and faster, spilling between invisible cracks and corners, until I come to an end, and blackness envelops me once more.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Suddenly I am aware I'm coughing, that I’m gasping for breaths.
Oh god...I'm...breathing. I can breath! With each intake of air into my lungs, my head pulsing violently. My heart.... is beating!
I attempt to figure out what else of me is here, but a dull ringing fills my ears, and I still can't see anything. I can feel my eyes once more, and I start blinking them profusely. I can only see a white light like before, but slowly, dark shapes and patterns come into my vision. In reaction, I try to move towards them. But when I try, I fall down, and become painfully reminded of gravity’s existence.
Groaning, I struggle to pull myself back up. I need to figure where I am and what's happening, but my numb legs give out below me again, refusing to work as I command them. The hearing in my skull is taking far too long to diminish for my comfort, and I try again to bring myself up, only to find myself once more back on the ground.
Why can't I stand up?
The ringing finally begins to fade away, and the sound of my gasping breaths reaches me. That’s when I heard her voice.
"Please, relax," a females voice soothingly whispers. I turn my head towards it, and squint to make out who it is. As I do, she speaks softly. “You're safe,but you need to take things slow. Easy now."
Still blinking, I start to make out a dark shape of someone in front of me. I’ve managed to regain some control of my breathing, and take deeper breaths to calm myself. Her voice is so comforting, so gentle, that I can’t help but ask out in hope.
"Mom?"
The ringing is nearly gone, and it only takes a few more seconds before my vision returns to me, bringing into focus who is in front of me. This can't be real....it really can't. Is that…? I must be hallucinating, the doctors found something to save me but it’s causing me to go crazy and see things that shouldn’t exist. Anything else makes more sense than who I see in front of me. It takes a long time before I can speak, but when I do, it comes out in the faintest of whispers.
"Twilight…?"
She smiles as I say her name. "Yes, I’m Twilight."
"But... but... how, what?!" I incoherently babble. Instinctively I turn my head every which way to figure out what is happening, and I am blown away of where I am. There’s no black void, or even blank walls of the hospital. Instead, I’m surrounded by majestic stained glass windows and columns of massive scale. It takes a few seconds to register, but I recognize it as the great hallway in Canterlot that was Celestia’s throne room.
There are no words that can describe the wave of feelings, disbelief, excitement, horror, then disbelief again that occurred in the a short few seconds seeing this place.
I turn my head around in awe, trying to see every inch of the massive room; it was all so overwhelming. From the drapes decorative that lined the stone walls, to the colorful murals in the windows that let sunlight pour through them in dazzling colors. My eyes followed their tall shapes up and towards the ceiling. The height alone to the chandeliers above made me feel dizzy, and I couldn’t look at them for more than a few seconds. I let my eyes then travel down one of the large white marble columns, appearing much larger than I would have imagined them to be, and down to the carpeted floor beneath me. From the decorative pieces, to the architecture, and to the intricate windows, I can’t help but think in what surely is moment of insanity that it is all beautiful.
My awe of the great room,, however, quickly vanishes as I remember I was not alone. It took a lot of willpower to turn my head towards her, knowing full well that she shouldn’t exist. Yet, there she is, sitting in front of me as real as anything else I had seen in life. I don’t know how long I stared at her, or how many internal thoughts formed, only to be shattered moments later at the sheer impossibility of the situation. It was during this mental destruction that I realized something about her.
No... not Twilight. Princess Twilight! She’s an Alicorn!
That statement was the closest and yet farthest description of her.
Besides the fact that seeing her in real life was drastically familiar but also different than how I guessed a real pony to be, she looked much older and taller than she had been in the show. If I had to make an example, she was built much like Celestia was. But for all my imaginings, each of them fell short of the marvel that she was in front of me.
Every feature, every detail, every curve and mark, all of it sent my mind for a spin. I couldn’t help but let my eyes look over her again and again, wondering how it was all possible.
It was during my slack-jawed inspection of her that my brain finally began thinking again, and the gravity of the situation came clear.
My heart began to beat faster, I’m fairly sure my eyes were dilated, and my breathing returned to a frantic rate. I try to stand up, but my legs can’t seem to support myself. A brief sinking sensation fills me, and I turn my eyes down, and see why I am having trouble. My heart stops dead for a moment as my brain is stunned, too deadlocked to process what I am seeing. I can’t even think at this point.
There are hooves beneath me, attached to legs of a pony, that are naturally and unnaturally, attached to me. Being told I had cancer was infinitely more bearable and understandable than this. It doesn’t matter how many stories you have read, seeing and realizing that you have become a pony is far more world shattering than anyone can ever comprehend.
"W-what's going on?” I finally manage to say. Just even speaking feels different, and I recoil back from my mouth like a foreign object that I can get away form. “WHAT IS THIS!? WHAT’S HAPPENING TO ME?!"
I’m hyperventilating now, and my legs are twitching as I try to push them away. My mind keeps trying to flex my fingers, but get nothing in return, only a hoof turn where my wrist would be. Each action is a new sensation of movement I never thought was possible to feel, and despite my efforts to stand, my body was fully capable of moving. All of it is too alien, too strange, and I could not handle it even in the slightest.
Before I can scream at the top of my lungs, Twilight speaks softly again. "Shhhh, its alright. Its okay. Look at me. Its going to be okay."
If the phrase ‘I can’t even’ was more relevant than what was currently happening, then I would rather just die. The sight of Twilight leaning towards me nearly pushed that limit.
At first her words only add to my anxiety, but she speaks a little louder, and firmly says a command to me. "Look at me."
It took a lot to not freak out even more when I locked eyes with her. For a moment, I thought I would faint from the stress building inside of me. But slowly yet surely, the pressure lifts, eased away by sense calmness in her eyes, and I find myself able to more easily look at her. Eventually, my heart-rate lowers, and my breathing becomes more even as I stare transfixed by her gaze, simply soaking in everything I can about her again with a much more calming effect.
I nearly jump when she speaks, and I find myself drawn to how strange yet natural it is to see her tal. “What is your name?”
"M-My name...." I stutter, having great difficulty in just trying to form words. "My name... is...Thomas."
"Hello, Thomas," she replies with a warm smile.
Seeing her smile brought some anchor to my mind to hold it in place when it threaten to spin away again, enough for me to at least accept on some iota that everything that was happening was alright and not my own self induced insanity. In all honesty, choosing to pretend that this was possible and real made it much easier to actually accept it.
After a few deep breaths as my brain reformed it’s entire perspective on reality, I swallow a lump in my throat, and try to speak without flinching at the way my mouth now moves.
"What’s....going on? What's happened to me?"
She smiles and leans slightly closer to me. "Presently, more than what can be understood. But I assure you, you will be fine. Right now, all you need to do is remain calm, and let yourself recover. You won't be able to handle any of this right now if you rush. Relax your mind, and open your heart."
I still feel like I could be overwhelmed at any moment, that I am still on the verge of breaking apart mentally, but her soothing voice and reassuring eyes drive those insecurities away like a bad nightmare. Her gaze never left me once, and she smile continued to provide me with silent support.
I.... I will calm down. Come on, Thomas, calm down… Calm down...
I don’t want to break my gaze with her, but I force my eyes close so I can focus. I don’t know what to do, but I need to do something, anything to handle all of this. So I sit there and take deep breaths, repeating over and over in my mind like a monk would do with a mantra.
Relax… Relax... This is real… You’re okay… Relax...
Like I briefly thought before, it doesn’t matter how many stories you have read, or how many scenarios you’ve imagined in your mind, there is nothing to prepare you for the mind shattering realization I was going through. This was real, and it was more exciting and horrifying than anything else I could ever imagine possible.
As I continued to focus inward, the numbing sensation the void left me faded completely, letting me become aware of my sense of touch again. I take a very deep breath to prevent the panic from returning again. The feel of the carpet below me is the only familiar feeling to me, while everything else feels foreign but familiar at the same time. It’s very strange experiencing something my brain accepts it as as my own, but my mind were still coming to terms with.
I get a handle on myself, and I feel like I can handle that this is all true for at least a few minutes. That acceptance brings many questions to my mind, far too many. I exhale and open my eyes, forcing myself to not be surprised that she is still there and very much alive. She did not speak a word during my time of gaining self control, and continued to wait patiently. Eventually, I realize that she is willing to give me all the time necessary, and I’m half attempted to take it and close my eyes again to pretend none of this was happening.
But you can only pretend for so long.
"Is this real?" I ask, surprised that my voice didn’t crack.
She nods her head in reply. "Yes, it is."
"...How?"
She then takes a breath that seemed more like a happy sigh, speaks again, her voice still as gentle and soothing ever since I first heard it. "Come with me. It will be easier for you to understand while you’re walking. It will give your mind a chance to take in everything as you adjust to your body. Please, try to stand again."
I looked down at my hooves, something that instead of making yell with anxiety nearly causes me to laugh in disbelief like a madman would; I’m not sure which one is better. But I try again, and cautiously test my new limbs.
I was lost in awe, fascination, and nervousness as I bent my legs and felt how I could use them. Seeing something so different but feeling it as apart of you was mind blowing enough. But I forced myself to ignore how impossible it all was again, and attempted to stand like I’ve been walking on four legs my whole life. Maybe pretending isn’t so bad.
I first tucked one foreleg underneath me, then another, then pushed them down to lift myself up. With some wobbling, I widen my stance to find balance between them as my back legs follow in suit. After a shaky start, I manage to get on my hooves, and can’t help but let out a surprised laugh in success. I then realize I am standing on four shaking horse legs, and turn to look at her in confusion and for support for the next part. She simply smiles and unfurls one of her wings towards me.
“Take a step.”
I turn my head back down to my hooves, probably more than I should as I could see my back legs. Nervously, I take one step, and find my balance nearly falls apart completely before the next hoof catches my body.
“Another”, she says urges gently.
And I do take another, and another, and still to my disbelief, surprise, and now complete and utter joy of amazement, another step.
But it’s still slow, still so very new and shaky, and she suddenly comes to my side when I begin having trouble again. Her wing folds around me in a protective embrace, and she gently guides me along with her.
It takes about fifty feet before I am able to fall into a slow but steady pace beside her, my legs now requiring less thought to move. It was hard to not let my eyes remain fixed below me at the sight of seeing one hoof move in front of another, but it was even harder to not glance up and simply stare at her in awe.
She really wasn’t short mare I remembered from the show. Walking beside me, she was tall, majestic, graceful, and every other word that could be said about her royal appearance. I didn’t think it was possible, but an air of dignity and calm surrounded her to the point it was physical trait. Then again, I never thought any of this could be real either. I don’t know how many times I thought to myself that I couldn’t believe this was all real. Probably more times than I thought one could think such a thing in the span of a year.
While I was lost in taking in every detail about her, I begin to notice the smaller things that I somehow failed to notice or even register at first. I couldn’t believe I didn’t realize her mane was flowing like Princess Celestia and Luna’s did. It had a soft touch of purple hue to its edges, and was filled with small twinkling of stars that sparkled within as it flowed gracefully by itself. Like everything else, it was weird how strange yet appropriate it looked in real life, and made me wonder how on Earth I could have imagined it differently.
After feeling sure enough that I wouldn’t trip if I didn’t stare at my hooves every two seconds, I looked up to her pleadingly. "What's going on? How is this even possible?"
Turning to me for a moment to flash her smile again, that so comforting and amazing smile she had, she motioned forward down the great hall we were still walking; it was much bigger than the show portrayed.
"You, my dear guest, are in Equestria. And as for how, magic is the answer. I'm sure you're running through many possibilities as how this came to be. Such as whether it’s real or not; a dream or afterlife."
When we reached the end of the room, her horn glows to open the large double doors separating us from the rest of the castle. It was amazing to see magic, and I watched in extreme fascination until the very last twinkle of it left.
With her wing still around me, she guides us along through the doors and into a brightly lit corridor. The ceiling above us remained at the same height as the great hall, and with it, the same level of dizziness whenever I looked up. I shake my head to send it away, letting my mind focus on the feeling of my now much larger neck muscles working, and the sleight weight of my mane flowing back and forth. I decide it’s better to continue on focusing on my hooves, and watch the carpet pass beneath me with each step I take.
“As I’m sure you’ve realized, you are not in your world anymore," she continued, drawing my attention away from the ground. "You could say this is a different dimension or plane of existence, or however you wish to word it.”
"What?"
"A parallel world that is able to connect with yours," she said simply.
“This… this is, how do you even explain this? This is so surreal,” I automatically reply.
“I understand it is a lot to handle, but please be patient as I explain everything to you. For now, just keep practicing walking, get a feel for your legs.”
As we pass through more corridors, I continue to grow more comfortable with walking on four legs. But for all my quickly growing familiarity with it all, I can’t help but keep glancing up and admire her. It wasn’t out of interest in an intimate way. I wouldn’t even allow a single thought of anything of the sorts form in my mind given that much more extreme matters were at hand. Or hoof, I guess I should be thinking. No, I’m actually half amazed by her beauty, and half to make sure she is still here and real; that she won't simply disappear if I let her out of my sight. A look back from her makes me snap my head forward in embarrassment, causing her to laugh. It’s the first time I hear her laugh, and it’s angelic.
After some distance of silence, I nervously blurt aloud the first thing in my mind, mostly to try to clear the feeling of awkwardness of everything, "I.... I always wondered if 'My Little Dashie' could be real."
She chuckles, still with her wonderful and soothing voice. "No, that didn't actually happen. Though I did enjoy the premise. I thought it was a sweet story."
"You’ve read it?"
"Of course, I like to browse lots of the things everypony, excuse me… everyone, creates when I have the time."
That was as far as I could take it. There was simply a point that I could just accept, and right now, meta would be the crudest description I could use to describe it.
I immediately halt in place. "Hold on, you've read fanfics of My Little Pony. MY... LITTLE... PONY! Do you even realize what you just say and how absurd ALL of this is right now!?” In retrospect, I felt bad that I yelled at her, but from fear to denial to acceptance, I was fairly angry right now, and I didn’t even understand why.
In response, she positions herself in front of my and leans her head down. "Please, don’t exert yourself. As I said, I will explain everything. I'm know you will find it hard to believe, but it is the truth."
"I’m already having a hard time believing any of this,” I snap back.
As patiently and with an air of calm that has persisted about her since I first even registered that she was not a hallucination, she simply nods her head and motions me to keep walking with her. It takes a moment, but I fall beside her again as she begins to talk. “As you can see, everything you saw about the show is real. I do exist, and so does Equestria. That show is a loose representation my history of becoming an Alicorn. Something that happened a long time ago."
The way she said the last sentence, and the sadness of her tone, washed away the heat of my unknown frustration. “So... the others...?”
She shakes her head in reply. “My friends are no longer with me. What you know of me is all in the past, back before I became the ruler of Equestria, handed down to me by Princess Celestia and Princess Luna.”
We walk further in silence, the amazement of the castle around me becoming an after thought to this new information. I realize then that she is waiting for me to speak, still being patient with me like always. It’s hard accepting a new reality, and even harder feeling bad about something you’ve done in that reality. This isn’t a story where the character’s can just act however they want for the sake of the plot. This is real, and I should be treating as such. I was still intent on getting my answers, but I should be more careful of my behavior. Like I keep telling myself, this isn’t a story, and I am not some special protagonist.
"But it’s a show… isn’t it?" I ask, albeit much calmer than I was before. "Where I’m from, you’re an animation. A person, a human invented you. You were created by someone’s imagination. And not just one, multiple people wrote those episodes."
Twilight nods her head in confirmation. "Yes, people did create the show you have watched. But how do you think they got those ideas?" She flashes me a smile, and I see a gleam in her eye..
“You… you aren’t suggesting what I think you are… are you?”
"To put it simply,” she says with a mirthful smirk, “those ideas weren’t wholly their own. I had a helping hoof in the inspiration for them."
"Come again?"
For all her majesty, the way her eyes lit up and the subtle increase of excitement of her voice reminded me once again that even if she wasn’t exactly how I knew her, she was still Twilight, and she apparently still loved explanations.
"Using my magic, I slipped in thoughts of what I wanted to appear into the minds of others. Almost like how you would say, a muse would bring inspiration to an artist. Eventually, they were heard and realized. At first they were abstract concepts with only bits and pieces that were heard. No doubt you were able to see how poorly the spell translated over as evident from the earlier shows. As time passed and my mastery of the spell grew, I was able to deliver what I wanted to more accurately and efficiently, eventually leading to the show you now know of. At that point, I had worked out enough kinks in the spell to send a much more complete picture into your world. It was then that I was able to weave my history as creative ideas for people to draw and bring forth into your media. They were kept simple as there was too much for all of it to be explain, so I stuck to the essence of what I truly needed passed on. But even with my mastery of the spell, not all of it’s completely accurate mind you. Little details slipped here and there were, but for the most part, what you saw was completely true in what has actually happened in Equestria, and in my past."
There were many questions to that hallway length of an explanation, but I decided to stick with the simplest.
“Why did you do it?"
Twilight's smile faded, something that was rather unnerving given that all I’ve seen from her has been a happy demeanor.
"Because Equestria is in need of people like you."
At was at a loss for words at that, and far too occupied with questions as to the reasons for it and why I of all people was special enough for this. I suppose I could have asked her right away, but the scent of dusty fabric from a nearby tapestry wafted through my nose, and I feel again into a observationally perspective of the world around me. From the scents of the castle, to the small brushes of her feathers around me, to the thud of the stone floor beneath my hooves, all of it was a real as anything else I’ve experienced before. Not once had my dreams ever been as vivid as this, and once again, I find myself questioning how all of this was possible despite having just gotten an explanation.
If this was permanent, I imagine I would be asking that question over and over for a very long time.
But reality will always come back, and focusing on something was good way of handling it, and figuring out why this was all happening was a good start.
“But why me? And you said people, does that mean there are more?”
“No yet, you are the first to arrive. The spell I crafted bring people here did not go into effect until the the story of my becoming an Alicorn was complete. I did not need to tell my full history, only enough to make sure the spell within the show weaved it’s magic strong enough into those who watched it, and opened their hearts to it.
“Weaved what into us, and what for?”
"Come and see for yourself."
I then noticed that we had reached an entrance to an outdoor balcony. Lifting her wrings from me and tucking them to her side, she walked out onto it while I hesitantly remained near the entrance. She motioned me to join her near the edge of the rail before turning to stare out into the view the before. With deep breath to prepare myself, I moved to join her, and gasped at what I saw.
I don’t know exactly how Equestria would look, but I imagined it would have been very breathtaking. And while it did not disappoint, it was different than I thought it would be. Very different.
Think clouds hung low in the sky with lightning striking out from beneath them haphazardly. The clouds drifted about randomly, leaving entire sections of sky free and clear so as to allow sunlight to filter through unobstructed. My first impression was the time Rarity was in control of the weather, but in a much less organized and menacing fashion than her creations would have.
There was nothing friendly about the sky that loomed overhead, and I wondered if any pegasus were doing their job, or if they show had gotten that fact wrong. The ground below however, caught my attention more that the cluttered sky.
As if the stark contrast of cloud shadow and sunlight wasn’t enough, parts of the land were covered in a ugly grey and brown color instead a lush green like the rest. It seemed as if random patches of landscape decided to just up and die, leaving nothing but dried and lifeless plants and trees. It was as if Equestria itself was torn between life and death. Suddenly, I wondered if I actually had got sucked into a story.
"What happened here? Did Discord become bad again or something?" I asked in awe and in fear, not entirely sure I wanted to know.
Her face hardened as she spoke, and her voice took on a stern tone. "No, not Discord. It was a foe that did much more harm than any other villain I’ve faced, and one of the toughest I have ever had to vanquish. It caused everything before you that you can and can't see. Not only did it ravage the land and… killed many ponies, it also destroyed something more important." Twilight tore her gaze from the landscape and turned towards me. "Our hearts."
"What do you mean hearts?" I asked nervously, fidgeting slightly under her intense stare.
She motioned my gaze to down below the castle, and over the rest of Canterlot. Peering over the rails, I spotted ponies going about their business in the castle grounds. While it appeared to be mostly guards standing at various points, I noticed what looked like normal ponies milling about. I couldn’t tell how the rest of the city was, but It seemed lively enough enough. But on closer inspection of the nearby streets in view, the population seemed sparse, and I wondered just how many ponies were supposed to be there.
Twilight looked solemnly to the ponies below us. "Everyone who is born here, is born with something special inside them. It is natural to all of us in this world. It is what drives us and our magic, give us life and harmony. It is part of our soul, but it has been destroyed in many of my subjects. It is something deeper than thought, deeper than emotions, feelings and pieces of a pony so special, that it can't ever be recovered once lost. It is the same thing that allowed my friends and I to wield the Elements of Harmony so long ago.”
My eyes washed over the city, and it was then I noticed the small unsightly blemishes within it. The dusty hallways of the castle made sense as parts of the city seemed untaken care of, and some parts even neglected in maintenance. It wasn’t ruined in how most would use it, but I imagine it had most certainly seen better days.
“But now it is gone from the majority of us who are fortunate enough to still be living, and I fear we will not recover enough to last through our rebuilding efforts. Even if we manage to restore balance in our land once again, we will have lost an important part of ourselves. What made us, us. It is something we cannot continue without."
Her eyes left the city and turned to me again, and I nervously faced her. "And those who have been effected cannot pass it, or anything else on. So tainted they are by the very power that wrought this land into the state you see before you. We cannot rebuild or survive with the damage we have taken."
"Holy shit..." I whispered. After a few moments of being in awe of everything she had said, I quickly coughed in realization that I had just swore in front of her. I cleared my throat before speaking again, and to my dismay, heard my voice crack as I asked, "What can I do?"
Whether it was the sudden change in my vocal range, or my interest in help, a smile returned to her face, and she knelt down so that she was head level with me. "Come and live here in Equestria, and help us rebuild."
"What?"
Chuckling, she stood up and spread her wings majestically as she looked outward again. "I influenced the people from where you are from for one reason and one reason alone. So that I could spread it to your world. Something that I call a spark.” She glances at me with a sad but hopeful expression. “It is the very thing we have lost, and while I can't return or fully restore what was lost here, I can let it grow anew in another world that hasn't been affected like ours. An unaffected and new spark is needed before the damage here can ever truly be healed.”
Transfixed by her words, I moved to her side to look out across the land with her.
“Using my magic, I created the thoughts of the show, and with it, a subtle spell to affect those that watch it with open minds and hearts. I gave your people a chance to grow their own spark much like what we had here."
"You… used magic on us? Like mind control or brainwashing?”
She laughed, once again letting me hear it’s angelic qualities. It’s hard not to smile when I hear it.
"I did no such thing. I in no way directly controlled another person. I only gave the idea for them to act on, and create the potential for those that reached for it. From the people who created the show, to all those that viewed it, I opened a trail to be followed. After I was sure it was set on the correct path and the magic placed, I stood by and watched it grow. But not everyone will be influenced by the magic within it. Only those that have the potential can have the spark grow within them. Only they can have a chance to come here."
My eyes idly traced the borders of the dark and light lines of the withering yet alive landscape in search of understanding of what she said. Despite how well I had been handling it, it was all still just so much. Once again, Twilight waited patiently as I dwelled on everything she said.
"So you’re creating sparks in people who watch the show… To bring them here and rebuild Equestria and fight this… whatever it is?"
"In a manner of speaking, yes. But everyone has a choice. I will never force anyone to come here."
"But how did I come? I… I was... did, die in my world."
"Yes, I know."
Another wave of questions ran through my mind. Before I could ask in how it was possible I came here, Twilight continued. "I will not forcibly remove someone from another world. The spell gives one’s spirit a chance to continue with life instead of passing on; another chance to remain alive and growing. It is a spell that if reached for, can bring you into this world."
That explains the white light. Thinking back on my experience in the void I spoke, "So um, besides my questions about the afterlife, this is like some kind of reincarnation then? I mean, still remember my past life."
"If you want to think of it like that."
Not really receiving a clear answer, I shot the next question that came to mind. "Will everyone who watches the show come here?"
I would by lying if I didn’t say thoughts of my sister brought me to ask that. The chance to see her again made me feel ecstatic, but the cold realization that she would have to die made any hope of it come crashing down. I wanted to see her again, but not at the price it would cost. It was definitely not a possibility in seeing my parents again who didn’t and would probably never watch the show. My heart felt like it was being torn in two, wanting and not wanting to see my family again.
"No, not everyone," Twilight replied. "Like I said, they must have the spark to have a chance at being brought here. Watching the show does not guarantee it's growth within you, and you must have it to even touch this world. It is a fragile thing and requires a stable life that must end naturally for it to persist within the spirit or soul, whichever you prefer. And secondly, you must willingly reach for this place. A choice each person will make on their own."
With more questions flowing in by the second, I decided to keep it rolling, I’m sure there would be plenty of time to delve into the specifics of everything. And honestly, it was hard not to think of my family if I pressed exactly how one arrives in Equestria.
"How many… other worlds are there?"
"That is something I still have to discover. When I found out how to reach to other worlds in search of a solution, there were so many to sift through, and not all of them can even connect to ours. With tireless searching, I eventually came across yours. It was one one of the few that had such a strong enough connection to our world. With further examination, I knew it would be yours that I would seek help from. With a final inspection, I set out on opening a pathway for you and others to come. I saw the potential that can be grown in your hearts. Among many things, you had love and everything else needed for its growth. You only lacked magic."
She then turned to face me fully, then caught me by surprise when she kneeled before me, and even went as far as to bow her head.
"Thank you for coming."
Taken aback, I embarrassingly mumbled, "Of course, um, I... I'm glad to help." She returned stutter with her wonderful smile as she stood back up, and another moment of silence passed between us.
It was sometime, and after much thought, before I spoke again.
“I’m alive... I’m alive and in Equestria and… everything is going to be different now.”
My mind had skeptically come to that conclusion sometime ago, but saying it outloud in admittance rocked me to my very core. This is going to happen. Was happening. And strangely enough, I didn't feel the need to pass it by like I had done with so many other things before. Instead, I felt anxious, happy, humbled, scared, and everything else; more than I could explain or find words for. I couldn’t even begin to fathom how this was going to turn out or affect me. So I did something I rarely did. I tried my best to take in the moment, and face it with everything.
My chest fluttered and vibrated from the wave of emotions that flowed through me, like they were fighting amongst themselves to establish what I should be feeling. I even felt light and heavy at the same time.
“When I discovered the show I've… kinda always wanted my life to be something like it. And here I am. I have a chance at that. But…” I swallowed a lump in my throat. “But it won't be the same... will it?”
“No,” she simply said. Minutes passed by while we stared across the land together, each of us lost in our own thoughts. As always, I was the first to speak.
“Will I be happy here?”
Twilight didn’t respond at first, and I thought she wouldn’t, until she ever so softly whispered in reply.
"That... is for you to decide.”
I let out another exhale her response sank in. The a storm of emotions still raged inside me, but I had at least decided on a resolve that would cut through all my anxiety, worry, and hesitation I held inside me. For the first time since I arrived, I smiled by myself as I announced with a new found determination, "Okay, I'm in. I'll do what I can to help."
She returned with another one of her amazing smiles that never failed to comfort and reassure me, and a twinge of pride filled me as she nodded her head in a silent thank you before speaking again.
"We have a long path ahead of us to fix things here. And we must welcome our new guests as well. I’m sure you will be very helpful with that considering you have just went through it yourself. They will need every bit of help we can give to help them adjust here."
I nodded in reply as she turned her focus back to her kingdom again. Her face was hard to read as she whispered softly, "We're going to need all the help we can get."
We stood there for sometime again, and I wondered, given the fact that more humans were going to arrive here, if I would have the chance to share a moment like this with her again. For all the uncertainty that lay ahead, for once in my life, I was ready to not pretend it didn’t exist, and face it all with my might. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve already died once, or if I now have the chance what should for all intents and purposes be the plot of a fantasy novel, but I feel ready to face whatever would come.
And then, I saw one of the most impossible and breathless sights I had ever seen. Twilight’s horn glowed, the sun fell, and the moon rose.
