Some would ask why I gave it up. Why I gave up power, fame and so many other things. Some days, I ask myself the same thing, but it normally doesn't last long; that weird mood of lost. What I had lost by accepting what wasn't truly me was nothing in comparison to what I gained by being true to myself. Now I know, but back then...
I also asked the same thing when my brother told me he signed up for another tour in the army. He said it was because he had to because that's where he belonged; that his armor had hung on a wall for far too long. Why would he go away from all this? He worked so hard to achieve it! I wondered about his wife, but he told me she understood. I pushed forwards; how could she see reasons in this while he didn't? His answer left me more puzzled than before; how could she understand with her heart and not with her brain? Nonsense! Because she loved him? Double nonsense!
How could he wish for anything else?
Looking back on this discussion with my brother; I see how foolish I was. Now, I understand what he meant.
One morning, I woke up; it had been a year since I moved away to fulfill what I thought to be my destiny. When I looked outside, my not-so-awake brain expected to see some pink cheering me up, an apple pie on the corner of my window and some rainbow across the sky; some remains of a bright and joyful dream, no doubt. Seeing how none of that was there, my heart sank and my smile disappeared. It was at that very moment that I understood; I was at the wrong place. Did I betray myself?
I didn't want to get up from my bed; not because I wanted to stay under the warm covers, but because I wasn't looking forwards anything in that sunny day.
I thought that maybe, just maybe, if I stayed in my bed this feeling would go away. But at some point I had to get up and leave the warmth.
I thought that maybe, just maybe, time would help and heal my heart. But after a month, and two, and more, nothing had changed; it was still there, inside.
I thought that maybe, just maybe, diving deeper into my work and books would take my mind away from my heart. But after it was all done and that no books were left unread or any paperwork remained to be done for the next year, the pain was still there.
I thought that maybe, just maybe, others could help. But while they spotted my mood and had concerns about me, the title also meant that no pony would come to express them. This disconnection with others was in no way helping me; I just felt worse.
I just kept lying to myself, didn't they come to see me once a month or two? Obviously our bonds were indestructible, immune to the ravages of time and space! It was enough! Shouldn't that be enough? Why was it not enough?
One day, I couldn't keep at it; I needed something I didn't really have anymore. I came to you and told you I resigned. I was ready! Ready for any questions, any inquiries, any concerns; I had asked them myself over and over for the past year. I knew all the answers by heart. I was ready for your anger, your disapproval, your... your... Anything! This decision wasn't logical, but it was right! I had to do it!
You just looked at me for a whole minute. I think it was a minute, but it felt like hours. I don't remember the last time I felt like that; under your examining eye, as your student. The only questions you asked was the most basic one; the one that my internal turmoil would always start with. Did I really understand what my decision meant? Yes! Yes I do!
You just nodded and with a flash it was all gone. I will always remember that smile and what you said without words; the ultimate test, giving up everything; comfort, security, power, fame and maybe even eternal life. I shall never know, but I gave it all for them... and for me. Because it's who I am; it's my destiny and they are worth it. I understood that day that some lessons are priceless; some lessons require sacrifice of everything to be true to yourself. Comfort and security are never enough.
I now understood why my brother had left to crawl in mud, fighting and bleeding for what he felt was right. That's what and who he is and denying that only hurt him.
When I stepped in this old smelly place, it felt right; I was back home! How can such a place, one that I once hated so much, feels so good now? Did you know I once thought it was a punishment from you about some mistakes I couldn't remember? Now it felt like the whole world was back the way it was meant to be.
When I came back, they understood. When I told my parents, they understood. When I told my brother, he understood. And I think, back then, you did too.
Some ponies still come to see me to learn and ask me questions like when I was what I wasn't supposed to be. Some ask me why I gave it all up; I doubt I will ever be able to explain it properly with words. Maybe it's simply impossible or maybe it's a level of understanding, of that touchy subject you gave me such a long time ago to study, that I'm yet to reach.
Learning never stops and I doubt there's any limits to what one can reach with it. Maybe you knew that, maybe that's why you gave me this topic to research; knowing that it's infinite and I would never give up what's truly important.
Maybe the most important lesson of all is that it can't truly blossom if you're not true to yourself.
Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.
