Stallions Being Totally Judgemental

by Impressme

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random
Length: 7059

Stallions checking out the mares and rating 'em. Normal stallion stuff!

Stallions rating mares from 1 to 10. What!? The mares go on crazy adventures and the stallions get to brutally judge them based on looks alone. Fair trade! (A for fun project. Will be updated slowly.)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-13 20:33:13 UTC

Twilight Sparkle. (Edited)

"Alright doc, who's up next?"

The four stallions had stationed themselves at Sugarcube Corner for their weekly get together. What do they do while they sit at a small table and sip hot chocolate? Judge any mares that pass by of course! The group often found themselves abandoned as their female counterparts went on odd and exciting adventures without them. This, however, was their time and they liked to keep things nice and simple.

A certain doctor had been sitting quietly at the table with the other stallions, when he noticed a lavender mare making her way down the road. "I believe thats Twilight Sparkle." Doctor Whooves said, taking another small sip from his white mug. "Personal student of a princess and the element of magic. And the verdict is?"

"Nope." Big mac stated, catching the groups attention. The red stallion sat and stared at the lavender mare with uninterested eyes as she scolded the small assistant riding on her back. "I would have to give her a five out of ten."

"What do you mean nope!? She seems pretty healthy and shes damn near royal blood!" Noteworthy stated, looking at the calm Big Mac with disbelief. "Whats wrong with her?"

Big mac heaved a loud sigh, as he watched the happy, lavender mare stroll by, with a purple drake in tow, carrying saddlebags filled with fresh scrolls, new quills, and enough ink to last her another month. "That." Big Mac huffed, pointing a red hoof at her saddlebags. "Do ya really think she's interested in raising a couple of colts?"

"So?" Caramel interjected, shrugging his shoulders at a seemingly small issue. "It's just like what Note said! Shes royalty so I'm sure she has quite a few bits to throw around. She can hire a baby sitter while I soak up a little sun on a beach!"

This got a round of nods from the other stallions, yet Big Mac remained as silent as ever. "So wheres her fancy mansion? Why is she still workin at a library?" Big Mac stated, with a thick southern drawl. "She must be a real pain in the flank to be with."

"He does have a point." The Doctor sat his empty mug down with a satisfied little thump and turned to face a confused Caramel and a curious Noteworthy. "Can you imagine what it's like to be with a mare whose always working? And I'm not sold on her being the smartest mare in Equestria. She still has to study friendship for Celestia's sake! Friendship!?That's foal stuff!"

"Dude the bits!" Note Worthy exclaimed, staring at the Doctor with unbelieving eyes." If I got her to say yes, I wouldn't have to work another day in my life!"

"I don't think so!" A high pitched voice squealed, directly behind a startled Note Worthy. "And look at that chubby flank! Ew! Too much cushion for the pushin! Would not bang!"

"Pinkie Pie what are you doing here!?" Doctor Whooves hissed, with a sharp blush coloring brown cheeks a dull shade of red. "Did you hear everything we said?"

"No you silly billy!" Pinkie giggled, poking the Doctor's nose with a small hoof. "Only the part about the smarts! And I have to say I'm a little offended! If you guys wanted to judge a mare, don't y'all think y'all should be taking some advice from an actual mare?"

"HA! A mare giving us advice on other mares!? It smells like sabotage to me." Caramel joked, giving the pink mare a sly smile. "If you really wanted to get with all of this than you just have to ask!" Caramel stated, gesturing a hoof to, what he thought was, his attractive body.

Pinkie simply rolled her eyes and sat next to the smug stallion. "Nope! Personally, I have agree with the judge on this one." She replied, pointing a hoof at the silent, red stallion. "She isn't interested in a stallion right now! As far as I know, I don't think shes ever been kissed!"

"Really?" Noteworthy was looking at the small baker with mixture of shock and relief. "Shes NEVER talked about another stallion?"

"Only about her brother and I hope that doesn't count." Pinkie Pie answered, giving Note Worthy, who was silently celebrating in the background, a small wink. "So, as far as I know, shes ready for a certain blue stallion to sweep her off her feet."

"Busted nerd!" Caramel joked, slapping Note Worthy in the back of his head. "Thats what you get for opening your big mouth you idiot!"

While the two in the back traded blows and insults, the Doctor stared a Pinkie with a raised eyebrow. "Is there a reason why you're telling us all of this Pinkie?" He found it odd that Pinkie would part with that kind of secret without her friends consent. As far as he was concerned, it had always been mares versus stallions. "Don't you think that she'll be a little mad when she finds out that you're telling us about her pathetic love life?"

"Shouldn't you be a little more worried about a grey pegasus letting you out to play with your friends?" Pinkie Pie snorted, before bursting into a fit of giggles.

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!" Two stallions cheered, poking the back of an annoyed doctor. "Shes already got you tied to the old ball and chain!? And hear I thought you where the brains in the relationship." Caramel exclaimed, as he jostled the Doctor's messy mane with a hoof.

"I can never catch a break these days." The sad stallion muttered, trying his best to ignore the jeers from his friends."You still didn't answer my question Pinkie."

"I just wanna hang with the guys doc! Is that really so bad?" Pinkie pleaded, giving the confused mare the biggest, cutest set of puppy eyes he had ever seen. "I guess, if you really want me to leave than I can just go and sit in the kitchen all alone."

"Dawwww!" Caramel squeed, staring at the dramatic mare with mesmerized eyes. "Just look at her doc! How could you be so cruel to something so sweet!? You're a heartless bastard!"

"FINE! She can stay!" The Doctor hissed, facehoofing at the pathetic sight. "Just stop bugging me. I don't think my mind can take anymore punishment!"

"Shut up." Big Mac grunted, raising an authoritative hoof that demanded silence. "Rainbow Dash is coming."

Rainbow Dash. (Edited)

The group stared in annoyance as a prismatic mare twisted and twirled her way overhead, intent on entertaining those who happened to be watching. With a bright, colorful flash, she disappeared as quickly as she had arrived, leaving behind nothing but a shimmering rainbow, marking her place in the sky. For little foals, it was another amazing feat accomplished by their hero. Not for Caramel.

"What a bitch!" Caramel hissed, rolling his eyes at the another over done show from the confident mare. "I have to give her two out of ten. I wouldn't touch that flank even if I had a suit armor and a ten foot pole to do it with."

"Whats wrong with her?" Noteworthy asked, taking another bite out of his delicious cinnamon roll. "Shes good looking, perfectly built, and she's probably gonna be a wonderbolt!"

"Yeah! Dashie is super awesome, super fast, and SUPER FUN!" Pinkie squealed, hopping in place with energy. "Aint nothin wrong with somepony that fun!"

The doctor stared as his perverted friend with prying eyes. "Of all the stallions in Ponyville, I figured that you would be the one to choose one of the best looking mares in town! What the hell's wrong with you? Did you finally get the gist of all of those restraining orders?

Big Mac said nothing as he sat and watched the argument take place, with a flurry of thoughts swirling around his simple mind. He had his own opinion on Rainbow Dash, but he knew the rules of judging a mare. You had to listen to a judges case before you made your own.

Caramel sighed as he listened to the others sound off on Rainbow Dash's supposed perfection. The list of perks the colorful mare had going for her went on and on and on, but they had yet to convince Caramel. There was a trend going on and they weren't picking up on it yet.  "Y'all idiots keep talking about her good looks and perfect plot, but I want y'all to name me a few decent qualities about her other than her good looks. Three things and I'll change my score."

"Well she's loyal." The Doctor stated, rubbing his head with a perplexed hoof.

"Wow she's loyal!" Caramel exclaimed, waving his hooves in the air in a sarcastic display of awe. "Somepony throw the doc a party! He found out that Rainbow Dash is loyal all by himself!"

"Wow way to go doc!" Pinkie cheered, oblivious to the sarcasm Caramel had employed.

"Shut up Pinkie!" The doctor hissed, as the mare fell into another fit of snorts and giggles. "What about you Note? You got anything?"

"No." Noteworthy huffed, hanging his head in defeat. "So what's your point plot head? Are you sure you aren't scoring her that low because she put a hole in your roof?"

"My point is obvious! How the hell can you be with somepony that stuck up just because of a decent plot and pretty eyes? I mean sure, at first it will be bearable when your riding her like a madpony, but, twenty or thirty years down the road, her good looks are gonna fizzle out and all y'all will be left with is a big mouth and a big head." Caramel turned to look at Noteworthy with a questioning gaze. "Would you really want to be with somepony like that for the rest of your life?"

"No." Noteworthy answered, with understanding seeping into his voice. Doctor Whooves nodded in agreement.

"Ya got a good point!" Pinkie Pie admitted, with a bright smile. "What do you think Big Mac?"

"She don't need to be scored." Big Mac grunted, with a bit of anger seeping into his words.

This caught the attention of the whole group. "What are you talking about?" The doctor asked, staring at him with confusion.

"Shes bucking Applejack." He hissed, grinding his teeth in a silent fit of frustration. "I caught 'em in the barn a week ago. As far as I'm concerned, shes as much of a stallion as we are."

An awkward silence descended on the group, as the revelation finally registered. All of them sat in uncomfortable silence. All except Caramel, who was laughing his flank off, as he rolled around on the ground clutching his aching ribs.

"Oh dear Celestia that's rich!" Caramel managed to spit out, as the others stared at him. "Did she taste the rainbow!? HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

With a loud roar, Big Mac hopped out his chair, ready to rip his tormentor apart, only to be stopped by the small baker. "It's not worth it Big Mac. Hes just foolin around! Right Caramel?"

"Yeah Big Mac!" He replied, as he wiped tears of laughter from his eyes. "It was just a joke!"

"What was just a joke?" A young voice asked, as it approached the group.

They turned to see Spike, who looked like he had a run in with a gallon of cider. Red eyes, obviously a side effect from crying, a sagging head, hung in shame, and a trail of smoke worming its way out of his mouth. "What are y'all guys talking about?"

"Who cares about what we were talking about! What happened to you!?" Pinkie Pie exclaimed, looking at depressed drake with sad eyes. "Did Twilight use you as a target for her crazy spells?"

"I wish." He hissed, as he made his way to the curious group with a sad little sigh. "I went and asked Rarity out."

"Oh. So how did it go?" Noteworthy asked with a mouthful of cinnamon roll.

"How do you think it went?" Spike asked, plopping himself on the ground next to Pinkie Pie. "She shot me down. She told me that I wasn't mature enough to be going on dates."

"Ouch!" The group replied collectively.

"SPIKE! SPIKE WHERE ARE YOU!?" Making her way down the road was the white unicorn, who was calling frantically for the purple drake.

"Oh crap." Noteworthy muttered, trying to hide his face behind a half eaten cinnamon roll. "Drama."

Rarity. (Edited)

"Oh Spike! Thank Celestia I've found you!" Rarity cried, trotting over to the group only to be halted by a herd of stallions glaring daggers at her. "I tried to find you over at the library, but Twilight told me that you had stormed off! Why won't you talk to me spikey wikey?"

The stallions began to whisper among one another, as Spike pulled himself off of a small patch of green grass. "Theres nothing to talk about Rarity. I like you but you don't like me. Thats it. It's over."

Rarity tried to respond, but the sad drake turned his back on her, effectively cutting her off. "Oh Spike, is this really how it's going to be?" Rarity asked, sitting down a few feet from the disgruntled drake.

"It's just that I don't know what it would take to get you to say yes!" Spike exclaimed, with a look of desperation plastered on his scaly face. "Whats wrong with me?"

"Do you want me to be brutally honest?" Rarity's look of pity had completely disintegrated, only to be replaced by a look of seriousness.

Spike nodded, as he rubbed a tear from his cheek.

"Fine. You want to know why I don't want to date you? First of all, you're just so unassertive! You're a dragon, yet theres nothing about you that says dominant! For Celestia's sake Spike, you wear an apron and cook for a mare! I know that you're an assistant, but you have to show me a little passion! I'm a mare NOT a stallion!"

Spike flinched, obviously hurt by that insult, yet he stood his ground and waited for the next wave of verbal abuse. "And?"

"And you just don't have anything that screams remarkable!" Rarity said with a huff, stamping her white hoof on the ground in frustration. "I understand that you're a young dragon but you have to show me that you're worth my time! Being my friend doesn't mean you're going to win my heart on a whim! Show me that you're unique in your own way and then we'll talk."

"Damn! I could feel that burn from all the way over here!" Note worthy whispered to a chuckling Caramel.

"And how am I going to raise a family with a dragon Spike!? I understand how you feel about me, but I have to think long term and, ten or twenty years down the road, I don't think I want my foals to be raised by a dragon capable of ripping apart a town in minutes!" With her soliloquy finished, Rarity took a deep breath. "Now it's your turn Spike. Tell me every little detail you loathe about me."

"A-are you sure?" Rarity nodded in reply.

Spike let loose another sad sigh, before he looked at his crush with a frown. "Well first of all, you are the biggest tease I have ever seen. It really makes me wonder how you even managed to pay off that stupid boutique in the first place!I don't think you've even made a profit since Twilight and I came to Ponyville!"

"Damn right Spike!" Caramel cheered, bro hoofing a proud Noteworthy. "Show that skank whose boss!"

"And you're so damn petty!" Spike exclaimed, waving his arms in exasperation. "How the hell does a dressmaker, obsessed with marrying a prince, become the element of generosity!? What have you done for other ponies? How does a few cheesy dresses earn you that honor!? I've done more in our stay at the Crystal Empire than you have in you entire LIFE!"

While Spike vented every angry thought he could think of, Rarity sat there with an emotionless mask on, preventing any emotion from seeping through. She listened to every word without even blinking.

"Oh that's right, I saved the Crystal Empire! While you were pawning off cheap dresses to a bunch of sad ponies, I was busy saving the Crystal Empire from King Sombra!" Spike roared, with a stream of smoke pouring out of his mouth. "I guess that doesn't matter though does it!? I'm not a rich, sophisticated, or a pony! That's all that ever really mattered to you wasn't it!?"

"Is that everything Spike?" Rarity asked calmly, as she stared at the dragon with curiosity.

"A mare that almost gave up her friends for a life with a bunch of fancy ponies? A mare that got jealous of her friend over some stupid modeling job?" With that said, Spike began to chuckle a little. "That's weird. I never realized until now that you aren't even the best looking mare in town. Fluttershy is. You get a four out of ten."

While Spike finally went silent, the stallions that had been listening to his rant began to clap. "Way to go Spike! You're more of a stallion then Caramel is!" The Doctor exclaimed, taking another slap to the back of his head from an amused Caramel.

"I guess I never really loved you. It was just a stupid crush." Spike admitted, looking nervously at the silent mare. "So what do we do now?"

"Nothing Spikey wikey. I will always be your friend." Rarity replied, looking down at her dear friend with a serene smile. "Lets get out of here. If you don't get back to the library soon, Twilight will rip Ponyville apart."

"Sure." Spike whispered, following Rarity as she lead the way back down the dirt road, beginning their long trek back towards Ponyville's renowned library.

"Well than." The Doctor exclaimed, scratching the back his head with a hoof. "What do we do now?"

"Lets go get a drink. I could really go for a mug of apple cider right about now." Caramel stated, pushing himself off of his comfortable seat.

Applejack. (Part One)

"What in Celestia's name is going on in there?" Caramel whispered, earning shrugs from his companions.

The groups hopes of apple cider and a few terrible jokes had been crushed when they heard horrible sounds emanating from the locked barn. One could only assume that Applejack and Rainbow Dash got a little bored and met up to spice up an, otherwise, normal day.

"Big Mac? How you holdin up buddy?" Noteworthy asked, looking at his red friend with worry. "You're not going to do anything stupid are you?"

Big Mac didn't reply. He was to busy trying to keep himself from ripping that prismatic show off limb from limb.

"Come on Big Mac! Lets just go and eat a few apples!" The others nodded in agreement and began to make their way to shade the apple trees provided. Heaving a defeated sigh, he finally followed suit.

The group gathered around a large, blooming apple tree that provided enough shade for the group, sheltering them from Celestia's brilliant sun. Noteworthy perched himself on a sturdy branch, snagging himself a healthy apple to munch on. Meanwhile, Caramel and the Doctor laid themselves on the soft patches, each on opposite sides of the tree, leaving plenty of room for Pinkie Pie sit herself in between to the two and pick at a piece of cake she had retrieved from her poofy mane.

"Hey Doc?" Noteworthy called, looking at out the beautiful scene that was Sweet Apple acres.

"Yeah Note?" The Doctor replied, with his eyes shut in comfort.

"What goin on with you and Derpy?" Noteworthy replied, looking at his brown friend with a hint of worry. "Whats with all of the fighting?"

"Do you really want to know?" Doctor Whooves asked, peeking at his feathered friend with a single eye.

Noteworthy nodded, as the others looked at the Doctor with interest. They knew that the couple had been at odds for some time, yet they could never actually get their friend to tell them why.

"Derpy wants to have surgery and fix her eyes." The doctor stated, drawing a small gasp from Pinkie Pie. "She wants me to let her do it, but I'm not going to let her go without my consent. Simple as that."

"What wrong with letting her get the surgery? Caramel asked, staring at his brown friend with curiosity. "If you need some bits, I'd be happy to oblige.All I would want in return is your eternal soul. No biggie."

"It's not because of the bits you idiot." The Doctor hissed, hurling an apple core at his comedic friend. "It's because I want to be with Derpy, messed up eyes and all of the clumsy habits that come with it. I don't want her to change." Doctor Whooves finished, letting loose a sad sigh.

Meanwhile, a small tear was sliding down Pinkie's cheek. "Thats SO SWEET!" She sniffled, wiping that tear away with a hoof. "Have you told her how you FEEL?"

"How can I tell her how I feel when shes throwing plates at me!?" the brown stallion replied, with a torn expression present on his, usually calm, face. "She think I'm lying. If I tell her that I support the decision than she thinks that I hate her looks. If I tell her that I don't want her to get the surgery than she tells me that I'm lying. Either way, I've been throw out of the house three times already."

"Damn. Maybe you should have surgery with her. Your nose looks pretty bucked up." Caramel snickered, ducking his head to narrowly avoid an apple. "Calm down doc! I was just kidding."

"It's not funny Caramel. If I don't find out what to do, I might lose her for good." The Doctor stated sadly. "I wish she would tell me why she wants to have this surgery all of a sudden."

"You think ponies at the post office have been pickin at her again?" Caramel asked, before taking another large bite from his apple.

"I don't know. I thought we had gotten past this, but something always comes up and we always end up back at square one." Doctor Whooves grumbled, rubbing his head with a hoof in frustration. "Maybe I should get Carrot to come over and talk to her."

"Maybe." Noteworthy replied, quietly humming a simple tune. "Whats the verdict Doc?"

"Definitely a ten out of ten. You just can't say no to those golden eyes and her goofy smile."

"Speaking of goofy smile." Noteworthy exclaimed, looking at a certain mare as she floated her way past the group with a half-lidded stare plastered on her sweaty face.

"Wow. It really makes me wish that I was a mare." Caramel said, giving off a small whistle of respect at Applejack's handy work. "Shes gonna be walking funny for a few days, I promise y'all that much. It's a good thing shes a pegasus."

"Howdy fellas! Hows it goin Pinkie!" A southern voice exclaimed. Several feet to the groups left, hidden by the cover of the trees, was the orange pervert, glistening with sweat from her.....handiwork.

"Hey Applejack!" Caramel exclaimed with a sly grin. "Workin hard bucking those trees?"

"Y-yeah! Just t-trying to k-keep the farm runnin. Hehehehe." She stammered, her confident laugh withering away into a nervous chuckle.

"Holy cow AJ! You're all sweaty!" Pinkie Pie squealed, staring at the blushing Applejack with perplexed, blue eyes. "Why do you smell like shame?" Pinkie Pie pointed out, wrinkling her nose in disgust

"Yeah I'm sure it's from all of that extra work you've been doing since Big Mac decided to take the day off." Caramel picked himself up off of the ground and walked over to Applejack with a devious plan brewing in his head. "You know what? Since you've been working so hard, how about you join us for a nice, cool mug of apple cider!"

"Well ah'm not sure I should be drinkin cider while I'm worki-" But she was interrupted by Caramel, as he wrapped a hoof around her shoulder and leaned closer to her twitching ear. "Is that BLUE hair all over you snout?"

"Hey guys lets head over to the barn an get ourselves some old fashioned cider, courtesy of the Apple family!" Applejack exclaimed a little to loudly, pushing away the chuckling caramel with a shaky hoof.

"Yes!" Pinkie Pie squealed, as she hopped her way towards the barn with the rest of the group in tow. "Apple cider and whipped cream coming up!"

"What are you doing you idiot!?" The doctor hissed, as the rest of the group left him and Caramel behind.

"What!?" Caramel asked, feigning stupidity. "I just want to have some cider with AJ! Nothing wrong with that!"

The Doctor only face hoofed, knowing that this could possibly be the most awkward round of apple cider in Equestrian history

Applejack. (Part Two)

"What the buck are you talking about!? The mare to stallion ratio is BUCKED! I mean it's great that there are a ton of mares to hit on, but when are the stallions gonna get a spot on the throne!?"

The group had gathered in the barn and apple cider had been served in glass mugs. While Applejack sat and took a few awkward sips from her mug, Caramel and Pinkie Pie had spent their time getting into a drunken argument over Equestrian politics. Pinkie felt that the reason for a lack of stallions in power was simply due to the current rulers exceptional skill at leading peacefully. Caramel felt that there was a conspiracy.

"I'm telling you right now that stallions are being shipped to Saddle Arabia AS SLAVES!" Caramel spat out, with his slur getting worse and worse with every sip he took. "Why do you think we have so much GLUE!?"

Pinkie Pie could only laugh at the ridiculous statement, before she took another greedy gulp from her apple cider. "Whatever Caramel! You're just mad because you can't keep a mare around!" Pinkie Pie responded, getting a loud round of hoots and cheers from the Doctor and NoteWorthy.

"DAAAAAAAMN MARE! Show that plot head whose boss!" NoteWorthy hooted, as he high hoofed the doctor with an unsteady smack.

"You know what!?" Caramel hissed, as he stumbled from his seat at the table. "You're been on my case all day! Just because Twilight doesn't want to hook up with you doesn't mean you have to be such a colt cuddler!" Caramel exclaimed, before he tripped over a wobbling leg and fell into a heap on the floor.

All NoteWorthy could do at this point was laugh his flank off. The poor pegasus fell onto the ground and rolled around the hay covered floor and laughed until his ribs began to burn.

"Get up you two." The Doctor exclaimed, with a small smile on his face. "Y'all are going to knock over the apple cider!"

After the two stallions managed to drag themselves off pf the barn's dirty floor, the group sat in a comfortable silence and went back to taking sips from their mugs. Pinkie Pie, however, had something that was really bugging her.

How could she keep this a secret from her best friends? She thought bitterly, as she took a quick glance at the orange mare who happened to be joking around around with the Doctor. Well everyone but Rainbow Dash. Pinkie Pie mentally added, as she recalled the sweaty pegasus shamefully floating away from the barn.

"You're crazy! Griffons have them crazy beaks and those sharp claws!" Applejack exclaimed, as she waved her hooves in a predatory manner, effectively mimicking a scorpion who was preparing to strike down it's prey with its tail. "How can ya kiss something that has a beak that could rip skin from your bones!?

"Hey I was just a dumb colt and she WAS pretty cute!" The Doctor chuckled, as he waved his glass mug around in exasperation. "I believe her name was Emia..... Emia something. I can't remember." The doctor admitted with a small shrug. "All I know is that I'm never going to tell Derpy."

"You might not, But I will." NoteWorthy threatened, as he tried to pull bits of hay from his dirty wings. "I'd PAY to see you get beaten down by Derpy."

"Applejack?" Pinkie Pie called, drawing all the attention from the slightly inebriated group

"What is it Pinkie?" Applejack asked raised eyebrow and flushed cheeks.

"Why didn't you tell anypony else about....being a fillyfooler." The pink pony asked this question with a strained voice and a few tears in her eyes. "I thought we were your best friends? Well Rainbow Dash already knows, but why didn't you tell anypony else?"

The orange mare in question let loose a deep sigh before she focused her attention on her pink friend. "Honestly? I was kind of worried about splittin up the group. If Rainbow and I split up than we wouldn't be the Elements of Harmony anymore." Applejack stated, as she set her mug on the table with a noisy clink. "If we kept it a secret than we could handle any problems we had on our own."

"Oh." Pinkie muttered silently. The party loving pony's mane had deflated and her face held a hurt expression.

"Aw shucks Pinkie. I didn't mean ta hurt you. I just didn't want to anything to keep us from bein friends." Applejack admitted, as she looked over at her friend with sad, green eyes.

"You promise?"

"Stick a cupcake in my eye." Applejack said, as she shoved a metaphorical pastry into her eye as a part of  sacred promise that she dared not break. She still had plenty of nightmares after the last promise she broke.

This was enough to re inflate Pinkie's mane into its typical, poofy state and plaster a cheesy grin on her, once sad, face. "We should throw a party! A coming out of the stable party! WE'll have rainbow hats and rainbow cake and rainbow PUNCH!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed, squealing at all of the wonderful ideas that seemed to be flooding her mind.

"Maybe you should invite Caramel. I think it's about time he came out of the stable to." NoteWorthy snickered, as he dodged a sluggish hoof from the intoxicated Caramel. "Dude you should be proud of who you are! No need to get so violent."

Oddly enough, Big Mac had kept a small smile on his face throughout his time with the group in the barn. He simply sat at his chair and downed a few mugs of apple cider in silent peace. With a disdainful grunt, he slammed his empty mug onto the table. "Anypony else feelin like another round of cider?"

A loud, but expected, cheer erupted inside the barn.

2 hours and 1 keg of cider later

Big Mac could handle a few drinks every now and then, but he knew he had over done it as soon as he began to regain a semblance of consciousness. He couldn't see but he knew that his head was throbbing like a motherbucker and his mouth was cracked and dry.

The large stallion tried to pick himself up , he soon found that he was unable to move an inch. He had been restrained by his hooves and he had no idea where he was or who had taken the time to do this to him.

"H-Hello?" He called in a weak voice.

His call was met with the sound of hooves clooping against a wooden floor. The sound of a door opening filled his ears with a painful screech, filling the room with a dim light.

"Hello Big Mac."

Cheerilee (Part One)

Big Mac recognized that voice. That kind, caring voice that could only belong to a mother and one mare in particular.

"Cheerilee!" Big Mac grunted, as he weakly pulled on the restraints that were holding him down on, what appeared to be, a desk. Big Mac had a lot to say, but all he could say was three simple words. "What the BUCK!"

The deceivingly kind teacher only let out a sweet laugh as her victim squirmed like a worm. "Oh Big Mac why do you have to struggle?" She asked, slowly mounting the table and resting herself on the stallions exposed stomach with her front hooves folded across his chest. "Things would be so much SIMPLER if you talked a little more SUGARCUBE."

"What the hay are you talkin about"  The red stallion hissed, still trying to make sense of it all. He wasn't entirely sure what had happened after that second keg of apple cider, but he never expected Cherilee to have the strength to take him down on her own, even if he was drunk. He found it.......Admirable. "Did I say somethin bad?"

The teacher's response was to give the drunk stallion a vicious slap across his red snout. "It's WHAT YOU DON'T SAY YOU IDIOT!" She spat, as she grabbed his dangling head and forced it against her own. "You don't say ANYTHING!"

Well it's not like Big Mac could deny that. Their relationship was a bit on the stale side due to the lack of communication, but he always felt that it worked. Isn't the sex good enough you crazy mare! The exhausted stallion thought to himself as Cheerilee began a soliloquy on the importance of communication in relationships.

This situation reminded him of a lesson his father taught him when he was just a little colt, who was slowly becoming the stallion his father hoped he would be. His dad had sat him down on their simple, green couch in their living room and wrapped a comforting hoof around his back. His wise father gave him a stern look with green eyes, and grunted one sentence in the very husky voice that Big Mac was so familiar with. "Son.....Mare's are bucking crazy."

And with that important lesson finally taught to his son, the father went back to his highly unstable mechanical plow. Dammit dad. Always using that stupid plow! Big Mac thought as he sadly blocked images of the accident from his mind. Uh oh. She's still talking.

"And Heart Break says in her book that couples should spend at least TWO HOURS talking! TWO!" She exclaimed, as she rubbed her throbbing head with her hooves. "Not just EEYUP. Cheerilee stated, mimicking Big Mac's deep voice and southern accent.

"Did you like Trixie's magical show, honey? EEYUP. Did the salad taste great sugar cube? EEYUP. Do you want to meet my parents? EENOPE." Cheerilee hissed, as she went over every conversation the couple had over that past few months.

Besides the nausea and the inevitable case of diarrhea that was going to set in after a few hours, Big Mac suddenly had this overwhelming feeling that he had done something.......wrong. He had been pretty successful in just about everything he had ever done, whether it was hoofball in school, apple bucking at the farm, or keeping mares satisfied in between, but this was a rarity.

"You know what you have to do don't you?" Cheerilee snickered as she let loose a few evil cackles. "You have to spill the beans Big Mac." With the ultimatum now laid out for the the red stallion, the half insane mare let her head closer to Big Mac's right cheek and gave him one long, disgusting lick across his snout.

Normally this would be welcomed from Big Mac, who happens to like sex and Cheerilee and a combination of the two wouldn't be something he would normally pass up, but the mare's breath reeked up Hay Extract and the mare's tongue left a horribly slimy trail spit on his cheek. Big Mac gagged as the mare finally withdrew her tongue and pulled her head back from his face.

"'Bout what?" Big Mac asked in a shaky voice, only to have Cheerilee's pupil shrink into demented pinpricks. That was obviously the wrong thing to ask.

"EVERYTHING!" Cheerilee hissed, as she began to unleash a diabolical laugh that could put the Joker to shame. Big Mac was fifty percent sure that lightning flashed outside and the room had dropped about five degrees.

"BIG MAC!? Big Mac where are ya!?" A familiar voice called outside of the small schoolroom.

1 Hour Ago.....

The Doctor pulled the door of the upturned outhouse open and found, much to his dismay, that Big mac wasn't in there either. He had searched the farmhouse, several of Big Mac's favorite spots in the orchard, and now the outhouse. His red friend had completely disappeared with a small trail as the only sign of his disappearance. The ground had a small indentation in its smooth surface which was an obvious sign that something heavy had been drug through the dirt.

"Hmm....." The Doctor stood their on wobbly legs as he tried to make sense of this mysterious trail. Normally, he would have figured it out in the first five minutes, but that apple cider was pretty damn strong. With a noisy hiccup, the Doctor wobbled his way back to the barn.

"Guys." He called, as the rowdy group sat and impatiently waited for more apple cider. "I can't find him anywhere." The doctor slurred, as the group let out a loud series of groans.

"What do you mean you can't find him!? He said he had to use the bathroom." NoteWorthy pointed out as he slid out of his seat and flopped to the floor.

"I....I think somepony kidnapped him."

Intermission (Two stallions, One princess) Part One

"Don't be such a mare! You finally have a chance to go in there and talk to her! So do it you big idiot!"

Green Step and Windy Sea were both stationed right outside the lunar gates in the middle of the night, in anticipation for an audience with Princess Luna. The guards were weary of the two stallions, but Luna's orders were law and the two lucky stallions were allowed to enter any time they wished.

Windy Sea could only let out an frustrated sigh as he gazed at the massive gates with sad, amber eyes. The only reason he had made it so far was because of the peer pressure he was facing from his green friend, but that's about as far as he could push himself. The thought of seeing those blue eyes and that perfect mane had reduced him to a trembling mess.

"But what if I mess up? What if I say something stupid?" Windy Sea muttered as he hung his head low in embarrassment and shame. Windy Sea saw this as his only chance to woo the perfect mare, but Green Step saw this as the perfect opportunity to mooch off of his friend after he marries into royalty.

"Come on dude! How are you going to get anywhere with her if you don't talk to her!?" Green step hissed, face hoofing at the sight of his pathetically shy friend, who happened to be trembling like a foal.

The blue pegasus was about to spit out a nasty reply, but he was interrupted by the sound of an armored guard clearing his throat in a attempt to catch their attention. "I'm sorry gentleponies, but if neither of you intend on speaking to the princess, I'll have to ask you to leave."

"Take easy commander." Green Step replied, giving the stoic guard a sarcastic salute. "Private flank face and I are going, He just needs to take a breather." He pointed out, before he leaned closer to the annoyed armored guard. "You know how it is colt cuddlers these days. Too much time getting hooficures and not enough time staying fit."

The guard simply took a few steps back and impatiently tapped the concrete with the bottom of his spear. "Well tell your friend to hurry up. The princess doesn't have all day."

Green Step cracked a giant grin and nodded, before he turned back his winged friend. "You heard the stallion! Get going!" With his command issues, Green Step grabbed Windy Sea by his tail and began towards the massive set of steel doors.

The Lunar Gates may not have been as well built as the entrance to Celestia's throne room, but the Lunar Gates were nothing to joke about. Two massive slabs of steel, painted in beautiful shades of purple of blue with a beautiful moon engraved on each door.

"Dude! The Luna Guard! So awesome!" Green Step squealed, spitting Windy Sea's blue tail from his his mouth.

"Shut up you idiot! Don't look at them!" Windy Sea's hissed as his he covered his face with a trembling hoof in a pathetic attempt to hide himself from the cat like eyes of the Lunar Guards. "Don't you know what happens to ponies who stare at bat ponies!? They don't ever make it back home!"

"That's just an urban legend you idiot!" Green Step stated as he slapped Windy Sea's hoof from his face. "Don't be such a wuss!"

"We are pretty scary!" A proud voice exclaimed, sending chills down Green Step's spine.

The shocked earth pony spun around and came face to face with a pair of golden eyes.

"Hi!"

Authors note(ignore if you feel the need to)

Alright. SBTJ is under way and it has received a TON of attention (far more than I had initially thought it would receive). I'm probably going to have to go against my claim that I would update this fic slowly simply because it's what y'all want to see, and I'm not going to make people wait long for 1,000 word chapters every week. This has been moved to the top of the list when it comes to fic priority and I plan on moving this along and updating the other fics slowly. If there are any problems y'all notice in the previous chapters I'll be more than happy to listen make revisions. Like I said before, the little vote I held ends at 2:00 (Or 4 hours from now) and the next set chapters will be laid out. Thanks for the views guys!