Letters to Aunt Celestia

by JustDance04

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Comedy, Random
Length: 1272

Cadance requests advice on running an empire from Celestia.

A series of letters from Cadance to Celestia, as she tries to adjust to running an empire. Issues ensue as Cadance figures out everything involved in being the Crystal Princess.

Published 2013-02-22 07:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-02-22 07:20:01 UTC

A Series of Letters

Aunt Tia,

I am honored to accept the position of Regent of the Crystal Empire. I am not sure if I am fully ready to rule, but I will do my best. Out of curiosity, shouldn't I technically be the 'Crystal Empress' or 'Crystal Queen' instead of 'Crystal Princess'?

Cadance

Aunt Tia,

I understand that you haven't become queen due to 'equality with your sister' and because you don't want to give up your princess-ly right to free cake, but that's Equestrian stuff. This isn't Equestria, it's the Crystal Empire. Aren't empires generally larger than kingdoms, by the way? Because I have a city and that's it.

Cadance

Aunt Tia,

I went to check the Royal Treasury. I found a single, outdated copper coin. It's not even worth it's printed value. I consulted with my Minister of Finance, who told me the economy suffered under King 'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named' and that the current estimated net worth of the entire Crystal Empire is 20 bits. Please help.

Cadance

Aunt Tia,

I just discovered the Crystal Empire has a strike team of assassins! What do I do with a team of assassins?

Cadance

Aunt Tia,

I just learned that the Crystal Empire is actually an empire, but when the Equestrian Founders came through, they brought blizzards. The Empire never recovered. The ponies want me to restore the lands. How do I do that?

Cadance

Aunt Tia,

Shining Armor wants to establish a proper royal guard, but we don't have enough ponies or, dare I say, FUNDS. Can't you please help with our financial issues?

Cadance

Aunt Tia,

My subjects wish for me write King Sombra as 'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named', 'You-Know-Who', or, best of all, 'King Sombrero'. Should I?

Cadance

Aunt Tia,

Finally figured out how to melt the snow. I nearly flooded the empire. Shining Armor had to maintain a shield for three whole days. And when the flood ended, it turned back into snow. How do I feed my empire when we're living on things grown in the community garden?

Cadance

Aunt Tia,

I've sent letter after letter. Why don't you give me some freaking advice already?

Cadance

Aunt Tia,

'Use your alicorn powers' is not valid advice. I understand that, having the ability to raise the sun, you don't understand normal magical limits, but I have the ability to control love. It's great as a symbol for the empire, but isn't practical.

Cadance

Aunt Tia,

My assassins are getting itchy to assassinate somepony. Should I just disband them?

Cadance

Aunt Celestia,

Do you even read my letters?

Cadance

Aunt Celestia,

Luna informs me you intend to make Twilight an alicorn princess. Why did you never consult me?

Cadance

Aunt Celestia,

The Crystal Empire is impossible to grow anything in. You wanna know why? Because we have no pegasi and as such can't control weather. What do I do to control the weather?

Cadance

Aunt Celestia,

Luna sent me another update. What qualifies Twilight to finish something that Star Swirl himself couldn't?

Cadance

Aunt Celestia,

Can you send us some new books for the library. Ours are outdated. We are missing 1000 years of history, the books still state that the sun and moon raise themselves, and there's a bunch of other crap as well. But there is still stuff that they have that was lost to the rest of the world. Did you know King Sombrero was Princess Platinum's father? Or Private Pansy, who was actually a Corporal, came from a special bloodline of pegasi?

Cadance

Aunt Celestia,

Our normal water supplies are low. We have to melt the snow.

Cadance

Aunt Celestia,

Our country is in debt. FUNDING. NOW.

Cadance

Aunt Celestia

The Crystal Ponies aren't happy with me. They held a riot demanding change immediately or they'd turn themselves into a democracy. A DEMOCRACY, AUNTIE!

Cadance

Aunt Celestia,

I found a way to kill two birds with one stone. I can put my assassins to use and get money in the treasury. You'd be surprised how much ponies will pay for another pony to die.

Cadance

Princess Celestia,

I don't care if it's 'unethical' or 'morally wrong'. The assassins have already gotten the empire 500 bits in three days.

Princess Cadance

Princess Celestia,

I regret to inform you that there is a contract on your head.

Princess Cadance

Princess Celestia,

I forgot you're immortal. Sorry about the attempted assassination. So now that I have my problems of money, the assassins, and establishing a Royal Guard out of the way, I have another that arose.

What do I do with the Secret Police?

Princess Cadance

Princess Celestia,

Thank you for the books for the library. However, I meant for more than a 2' by 2' box of foal's literature.

Princess Cadance

To Her Royal Highness, Princess Celestia, Regent of the Sun and Ruler of Equestria,

We have accidentally declared war on the Griffin Kingdom. Our assassins were confused and thought the contract put on King Bloodsplosion's head was meant to be an attempt to conquer them.

Signed,
Her Royal Majesty, Empress of the Crystal Empire, Regent of Love, Princess Mia Moray Kadenza, long may she live

To Her Royal Highness, Princess Celestia, Regent of the Sun and Ruler of Equestria,

We are officially at war with the griffins. They turned down our peace attempts and didn't buy when we explained that the attempted assassination of their king was an accident. Then again, it IS hard to accidentally attempt assassination.

I also told the scribes how to properly spell my name.

Signed,
Her Royal Majesty, Empress of the Crystal Empire, Regent of Love, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, long may she live

To Her Royal Highness, Princess Celestia, Regent of the Sun and Ruler of Equestria,

My husband is on the front lines, fighting the quickly advancing griffins. I write this standing next to a river that is literally running red with blood. It is not as sickening as you would think. It has, however, poisoned the water supply.

Signed,
Her Royal Majesty, Empress of the Crystal Empire, Regent of Love, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, long may she live

To Her Royal Highness, Princess Celestia, Regent of the Sun and Ruler of Equestria,

I hate you. You're the worst ally ever.

Signed,
Her Royal Majesty, Empress of the Crystal Empire, Regent of Love, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, long may she live

To Her Royal Highness, Princess Celestia, Regent of the Sun and Ruler of Equestria,

The griffins are almost here. This may be my last letter. If I die, I wish for all my possessions to be evenly split between my parents, my parent-in-laws, and Twilight.

Signed,
Her Royal Majesty, Empress of the Crystal Empire, Regent of Love, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, long may she live

To Her Royal Highness, Princess Celestia, Regent of the Sun and Ruler of Equestria,

Luna rescued us and arranged a peace treaty between the Griffin Kingdom and the Crystal Empire. My husband has awarded three Medals of Valor for honor on the battlefield. I finally figured out how to control weather and solve the related problems.

What have you done to assist the empire?

Signed,
Her Royal Majesty, Empress of the Crystal Empire, Regent of Love, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, long may she live

Aunt Tia,

Why didn't you say so in the first place? And we would love to consider hosting the Equestria Games.

Cadance

Author's Note

Felt like writing this. I didn't think Cadance would know how to run a country. Before you ask what Celestia's explanation was, I'm never explaining it. Why?

Because I'm too lazy to come up with it.