Looking Back

Twilight,

I am truly sorry for the pain you have endured over these several years. Perhaps I have been too wrapped up in my duties to notice how hard this has been on you. You must know that you may speak with me any time you wish, I will always be here to listen.

We all know the pain that you are feeling now. Luna, Candace, Discord and I. Especially Discord. It has been a long time since I became attached to anypony other than Luna. Except you.

Early in Equestria's history, after Luna and I had established our rule, I met a young Stallion. A Pegasus, he was deep blue, his eyes bright yellow, and they often reminded me of my sun. He was smart, brave and adventurous, and he quickly rose to the highest rank of my guard. We bonded quickly, as he would tell me stories of his exploration of Equestria's borders. Wonderful tales that made me resent royal duties in favor of more exciting travels.

I did not realize it at first, but he had become taken with me. I do not remember any longer if I had felt so inclined toward him, but I told him that it could not be. Because I would live for much longer than he, I felt I needed to protect myself from him. He begged for weeks, asking me every night for a single chance. It hurt our friendship dearly, as we could not talk about anything without his asking.

Finally, I gave him one. I created a test, a single question. I told him that, should he ever figure out the answer, we would court.

I am ashamed of what I did, however. I knew that the question had no answer, or rather, that he could never find out the answer. I asked him to find out what had happened to Starswirl the Bearded. I knew that he had been transformed by that same spell you finished all those years ago, but I kept the book hidden, and there was no trace of Starswirl elsewhere.

It took some of the strain out of our friendship. For many years, we talked about his adventures, enjoyed breakfast nearly everyday that he was in Canterlot together. I did enjoy them so much, and perhaps I did care for him, but I feared as much for his safety as my feelings.

This was early in the consolidation of the Canterlot court, and many of the nobles were searching for a way to harm me. Since I was so powerful, protected by the Elements of Harmony and Luna, they could do nothing to me. But I knew that they would try to hurt him.

I was selfish. I didn't want to be hurt, no matter how hard I try to say it was because I didn't want him hurt.

On the anniversary of my giving him the question the next year, he asked for a private audience. I feared truly that he had figured out the answer somehow. I remember the conversation perfectly, because I have never been able to forgive myself for what I did that night.

"Princess, I must ask you something." His eyes stared straight into mine, pain held back by what I won't ever know. "Is it possible to find the answer?"

It was worse than I could have imagined. Had he found the answer, I suppose we could have courted for a while and I could have ended it, but this was an impossible situation.

"Please, princess. I only want the truth." I should have told it to him right then and there, but I was still young, still naive. I feared he would be devastated, or that he would begin begging me again. I lied to him.

"Yes, it is indeed possible to find the answer. And I believe in you. I believe that you can do it." I don't think he believed me, but he didn't say anything more, and left the room, and me, in silence.

He continued searching for the answer, every few months making a half-hearted joke that he would find it. After 7 years, I was amazed at his persistence, and started to believe it was a joke. Until I found him one night, seated in the garden, speaking to Discord's statue. I had never considered the possibility that he would speak to Discord, but it was only a few generations before that Luna and I had defeated him, and his memory was still fresh in both the minds of the ponies and the scars he created in the land.

Discord never told me what he said to the Stallion. And I never told the Stallion that I saw him talking. The next morning, I had convinced myself to tell him the truth. I waited for him at our usual spot, but he never showed.

He did not report for duty that day. Or the next. Or ever again. After three days, I realized something terrible had happened. I went to his quarters in the barracks. It was clear he had left in a hurry, the room was had drawers flung to the floor, and a small, half-eaten meal sat rotting on the table. I found a note on the table, with only 5 words on it. "I will find the answer."

I panicked at that note. I hide in my room that night, flipping through every book Starswirl had ever written, every journal. The next morning, I went down to Discord's statue, begging him to tell me what he had said.

Discord remained silent. He never spoke to me the entire time he was set in stone, though apparently he spoke to others from time to time. Even now, he won't tell me what he said. He only looks away with a shamed look on his face.

A week and three days passed, and a there was a knock at my door. It was one of my advisers. He told me that one of the guards on patrol near the Everfree forest found him, wounded and dying. Though my adviser did not know this, he had died before I was ever told. I went to the military hospital he was kept at, but there was nothing that could be done.

His funeral was the first of a guard that had passed on duty, or rather, that of a guard who had been believed to be on duty. I told everypony he had been performing a secret task for me. His funeral began a tradition that is kept even to this day. It was beautiful. It was a late Autumn morning, the leaves nearly finished turning, but it was before the running of the leaves. He always loved the morning, and so I stopped the sun only a little after dawn, so that his funeral would be completely during the morning. His casket was a golden one, his family crest emblazoned upon it. I think about how beautiful his funeral was everyday, and the guilt I feel for the responsibility I have in his death.

After his funeral, his mother spoke to me.

I remember it like it was only hours ago, instead of over a thousand years. She was very elderly, and I believe she passed not long after that. She had a curly green mane, a very pale orange coat and a cutie mark of a house. She hoofed a small packet of paper to me.

"He wanted you to have this." It was several pieces of parchment folded together with my name on it. She turned to leave, and then looked back at me for a second. "I hope whatever you sent him on was worth it." Those last words cut deep into me. I knew it hadn't been.

The parchment was a collection of letters, telling me why he loved me, how he would never give up. They were truly beautiful, and I mourn some much harder at reading them. I will spare you the details, but there is one thing I thought you should see, and it is the reason that I wrote this too you.

Princess,

I know you did not believe I could find an answer. I suspect you even tried to make it impossible. But I also know that, if that is the case, you will not refuse me when I find the answer. Otherwise, why would you not simply tell me no and send me away? I know now where Starswirl's home is, and I am going there tomorrow morning. I wrote this, in case I failed. I wanted... I need you to know that I loved only you, until the end.

Twilight, he spent almost 9 years trying simply to court me. And I refused. I mistreated him in a way that can never be forgiven. He died searching for something that I had set him to searching for. I suspect that, if he had never discovered Starswirl's home, he would have spent his entry life trying to find the answer.

I took his life from him. If I had been braver, or stronger, I could have told him no to his face, and saved his life.

And if I could have been stronger still, I could have told him I loved him.

We all have regrets Twilight, and we all know in some way the pain you are feeling now. There is a reason I will never allow myself to be courted. For many years, I feel into despair after what happened, and it was a dark time in Equestria's history.

We have a responsibility as princesses to do what is best for our subjects, no matter how hard it is. Every day I regret what I did to him.

You asked how I can live like this. I live by remembering what I did to him. I live by remembering that I must do my best, to live up to the princess that he loved. And I live because I can never let myself live easy after what I did.

But you loved your friends. You loved them and never betrayed them. I can understand why you blame yourself for Pinkie Pie's death, but it wasn't your fault. You could never have known how much she was struggling.

Twilight, do not let this eat at you. Do not let this pain taking you from the world. Your subjects need you, and we are here to help you through this. You are not alone, Twilight Sparkle.

With love,
Celestia.