The main difference between a killer cereal and the Sugarcube serial killer is that Honey Nut Celesti-Os isn’t drenched in blood. Other than that though, they’re both sweet, satisfying, and good for your heart. Unlike regular Celesti-Os, which are just bland and they make me sad. I was grocery shopping the other day and there was a sale on Honey Nut Celesti-Os, buy 2 get 2 free. I was overjoyed, only to have that joy’s day and bowels ruined by a shitty excuse for a breakfast when the good stuff is sold out. Let me tell you, I would kill for even a small cup of Honey Nut Celesti-Os.
Anyways, let’s make like a chemist on a field day and get back to the matter at hoof. Honey Nut Celesti-Os: not drenched in blood. Sugarcube serial killer: went to a hemoglobin water park and spent the day in the wave pool until they got all pruney, but then he got some blood on their favorite towel, and the stuff is near impossible to get out, and that’ll make you angry enough to murder somepony.
Now, Ponyville isn’t the most peaceful place, and on a good day gets only half destroyed (by the Elements of Harmony most of the time, keepers of peace my flank), and even then, nopony gets murdered. So when the story of a trail of sugarcubes leading up to a stallion with his... well, don’t worry too much about the condition of his body, just know that there are sugarcubes, and that these sugarcubes are no longer white. So, when this hits the Ponyville newspaper, where the juiciest stories are either written by three fillies or Berry Punch’s fanfiction (ZING!), it’s equivalent to an automatic fan placed inside of a sewer pipe in such a way that shit is continuously hitting it. It gets messy... seriously, like, really messy. Or were they freaking out about something else? I don’t remember.
Anyways.
This story takes place right after the moment where somepony looks at that mess and the only thing they can say is: “Where do I start?” Things have calmed down, the wave of panic has receded back into the ocean of despair (which is off the Coast of Consternation, in case you ever want to give it a visit), and six determined ponies are working their damn sort-of-hardest-but-still-nonchalant to get to the bottom of this tall staircase of a crime.
* * *
“Applejack, you can’t be serious? I don’t know if you’re even grasping the situation right now,” said Twilight Sparkle. The pony of the last color of the visible light spectrum was dangerously close to the edge of the cliff of insanity, and Applejack wouldn’t be there this time to “save” her by telling Twilight to “honestly, let go” instead of just simply saying that Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy would catch her, which somehow got Applejack the Element of Honesty rather than the Element of Bullshit, but who am I to judge?
“Well, of course I’m grasping it, but I’m just saying that if Celestia wants to put her face on a cereal box then that’s her choice.”
“That’s the thing though. It’s not her choice, but ponies think it is, and they’re starting to project their feelings about the cereal onto Celestia.”
“Twilight, what are you getting at? What are feelings?” asked the cowpony, which is a strange title considering how physically fit Applejack is. If anypony’s a cow it’s Pinkie Pie. I mean, have you seen how she eats?
“Applejack, you’re acting strange. Think of it like this: do you like Celesti-Os?”
“You’re darn tootin’ I like Celesti-Os! Who doesn’t love that honey-nutty goodness?” replied Applejack.
Diverging from the story a bit, here’s a fun fact: honey nut is a euphemism used by bees. When bees reach a certain age they develop--
“No, not Honey Nut, I mean regular Celesti-Os. Do you like them?” said the purple bitch totally interrupting my fun fact.
“Regular Celesti-Os? Twilight don’t be ridiculous. Regular Celesti-Os are grosser than a grocery store full of regular Celesti-Os,” said Applejack, master of metaphors and sorcerer of similes.
“Exactly. Everypony hates the regular. So imagine when all the Honey Nut is sold out and the only thing left IS the regular!”
“Dear sweet Celestia. It would be anarchy.”
* * *
Amid Applejack and Twilight’s heated discussion -- although it really wasn’t that heated. It was just in the middle of summer and the oven was on and the fans were broken (honestly though, the fans are always complaining about something) -- anyways, amid their discussion, somepony made a startling discovery.
“This is... this is...” A white unicorn broke out into sobs before she could finish her sentence. What she saw in front of her was no sight for sore eyes, but rather a sight for a pompous prince who spent his free time buying popular cereals and then publicly using them as fuel for his life size train set, just to mock poorer ponies who couldn’t enjoy the cereal. This was a sight for a stallion who deserved a good beating... and maybe a good murdering involving sugarcubes.
The crying mare hobbled away from the horrid sight and stumbled outside. The terrible image she saw was burned on her memory like bread left in a toaster for too long.
“Goodness ma’am, are you alright?” asked a passerby.
“In- *sniff* -inside...”
“What’s inside?”
“A sale on... a sale on Honey Nut Celesti-Os,” she choked out before breaking into uncontrollable sobs.
“Well that’s nothing to cry about, you crazy old mare.”
“Old?”
“In fact, that sounds splendid!” the passerby said excited, optimistically hoping he would be able to buy a box of his favorite cereal.
“They sold out, but hold on a minute. What did you say about me being old?”
“Sold out? They can’t be. Don’t say that! It can’t be true! It just can’t be! This makes me so mad, I could just kill someone.” And with that, the passerby was crying home to his mother.
“I’m not old, am I?” the mare asked herself. Depressed, she slowly trudged along Ponyville questioning her beauty. Then, like a spark of hope, she found something that brightened her day like a lamp. She found a trail of sugarcubes. “Oh, how lovely. Well, I hate binge eating, but today has just been exhausting. I could go for a snack.”
Well, we all know what a trail of sugarcubes leads to don’t we?
The white unicorn licked her lips of any excess sugar. “Ah, quite delicious. That’s enough sweets for one year though. Now, where am I-- Dear Celestia! I have to tell Twilight.” And the plot thickens! Not by much though. Probably just spilled a little flour into the plot juice, so it’s only a little thicker. But it’s thicker nonetheless! So... thumbs up to this narrator. Here’s a seamless segue to the next scene.
* * *
“Celestia damnit Twilight! I know we have our disagreements, but I’m telling you, I’m right!” yelled Applejack.
“I never said you were wrong! I never even said anything! You said ‘it would be anarchy’ and then you sat there, completely silent, for ten minutes and then you started yelling at me! You’re seriously acting really weird today,” said Twilight Sparkle, when a mare suddenly busted through her door. “Oh, hi Rarity.”
“Twilight! I have something to tell you! Am I old?”
“Of course not Rarity. Even if you were old, you still look youthful,” she lied. “Is that all you wanted?”
“Umm... Yes. Ta-ta!”
“So... Applejack, If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’ve been--”
“Oh, just remembered. Thought you should know, Spikes dead. Found his body next to some sugarcubes. I think he was murdered.”
Twilight sighed. She didn’t gasp as one would expect, but she sighed. “Thanks Rarity, but it’s old news. Not the only thing here that’s old, am I right Applejack?”
“What was that?” asked Rarity.
“Hmm. Nothing. We were in the middle of investigating the death and about to visit Pinkie to ask her about her sugarcube sales, but we got distracted by... Honey Nut Celesti-Os,” admitted Twilight sheepishly.
“Oh dear Luna, Celesti-Os!” Rarity began crying again as she was reminded of the horrible events that took place earlier in her day.
“Rarity! What’s wrong?” Applejack said, comforting Rarity in her time of devastation.
“Honey Nut Celesti-Os are sold out!”
“Sold out? Oh no.” The next three words that came out of Applejack were ominous, scared, and a tad bit sorrowful. “Twilight. It’s begun.”
“Ugh. Shut up Applejack, we’ll deal with that later. Let’s just head over to Pinkie’s before we get sidetracked again.”
Off the trio went to Sugarcube Corner; it was a dangerous trek with many adversities. Rarity almost got stung by a bee but she made it out alive and unblemished. Unfortunately they took a little longer than expected because the main road was blocked off by an angry mob, so, to Twilight’s annoyance, they took the track on the side (It may seem like a pointless pun, but trust me, it’ll be important later).
Next time, when we visit our equine heroines again, will they discover who the murderer is? Will they--
“Hey Pinkie Pie, can you do us a favor?” Oh... Ok... I guess it’s a one shot. Well then, shoot away pardner. Wow, forget I said that, that was awful. Sorry, it’s just that I’ve been watching a lot of spaghetti western movies. Not because I like westerns, but because I love spaghetti. Where was I? Oh, that’s right--
“Can you give us a list of sugarcube sales in the past week?” Really Twilight? How many times are you gonna interrupt me today?
“Sure thing, Twilight! Just give me a second...” Pinkie Pie went behind the counter of the bakery and slowly opened a small filing cabinet. Ever so slowly she reached in and slowly rifled through various papers, slowly searching for the greatly desired sugarcube sales. Slowly.
“You sure you wanna be doing that Pinkie Pie? I mean, we could just drop the whole murder thing and move onto something else... or something.” Applejack’s voice was faltering and beads of sweat started to appear on her forehead. And these were some pretty high brow sweat beads. So classy in fact that little bracelet gnomes crawled from the cracks of Sugarcube corner and collected the sweat beads for their new line of pearl-spirations (they had to work in perspiration somehow, so give them some credit). Little did they know, these tiny gnomes would later become the economic leaders of Equestria and bring about a new world order. But I’m not telling that story, now am I?
“What are you talking about AJ? This is important, and we need this information,” said Twilight as her suspicion towards Applejack continued to grow like a beanstalk that was nurtured, loved, and cared for like a mother to her child. “Pinkie Pie, what’s taking you so long?”
“Aaaalmoooost... theeeeere...” Even Pinkie’s words were starting to slow down.
“Pinkie stop. I’m warning you.” Applejack’s eyes darted back and forth and her legs began to shake.
“Pinkie keep searching. Applejack what is wrong with you today? And why do you look so nervous?” asked Twilight with her suspicion having fully grown into a bountiful apple tree (don’t ask how that grew from a beanstalk), which was soon bucked by Applejack for its delicious apples, which were then eaten for breakfast by the orange earth pony, who was now at the receiving end of the same suspicion beanstalk/apple seed. Call it karma for eating the suspicion’s children.
“I’m not nervous-- you’re nervous! Pinkie, stop searching!”
“I...” said Pinkie.
“Pinkie, keep searching! You’ve been acting weird all day, Applejack. What’s in those files that you don’t want us to see?”
“Have...”
“Pinkie. Stop searching! Nothing’s in those files, you’re crazy Sparkle!”
“The...”
“Keep searching! Where were you on the night of June 25th?”
“Files...”
“STOP SEARCHING! Twilight, I swear to Celestia, if you don’t.” Applejack lifted her hoof and drew it back.
“If I don’t what?” Oh, the suspense is killing me, almost as much as Applejack is killing-- “Is that blood on your hoof?”
“Two customers bought orders of sugarcubes this week. Applejack and--”
“I knew it!” exclaimed Twilight. “And that is blood on your hoof, isn’t it? Is it Spikes?”
“Now hold on egghead.” Rainbow Dash smirked. “Pinkie said there were two customers.”
“Rainbow Dash? How long have you been sitting there?” asked Twilight.
“I’ve been here the whole time. I walked with you here. I guess you just didn’t notice me... bitch.”
“Ugh, whatever. You’re distracting me. Applejack! Is that Spike’s blood on your hoof?”
“What? No. It’s uh... It’s uh... Rainbow Dash’s blood.”
“Nice try AJ, but I’m not even bleeding.” Rainbow Dash’s keen observation was interrupted by a blow to the face. Not a blow from the wind or a fan, but a solid nosebleed-inducing punch. “AH! Son of a bitch! Mother bucker! Why did you punch me?”
“See? Rainbow Dash’s blood.” Applejack waved her red hoof around for everypony’s viewing pleasure. “Now that that’s settled, Pinkie who was the other customer?”
“Oh Luna, I think you broke something.”
“The other customer? Of course. Let me just quickly check,” slowly check, “the filing cabinet again.”
Pinkie Pie once more journeyed into the depths of her filing cabinet. Deeper, deeper, far deeper than a quality swimming pool, deeper than a Coltfucious quote, deeper than the plotline of this story, she searched her filing cabinet. And as Pinkie did this, a certain white unicorn noticed a strange noise.
Rarity looked around, but couldn’t seem to find a clock anywhere. “Does anypony else hear that peculiar ticking?”
“Ticking? Don’t be ridiculous Rarity, I groomed myself yesterday. But I did find this letter next to this bomb.” Pinkie Pie cheerfully held up the two objects.
“What?! Pinkie!”
“I didn’t put it here. Besides, a gift is a gift is a gift, and it’s the thought that counts. Speaking of counting, we got about thirty seconds before this whole place goes kablooey.” Pinkie’s jarring calmness made the other four even more nervous. Perhaps she’s dealt with bombs before. She occasionally does stand up comedy after all.
“EVERYPONY RUN!”
* * *
Meanwhile, in Canterlot...
“Luna, I want to sue but I don’t have a good legal team,” declared Princess Celestia. The regal mare found herself in quite the pickle, and not just any pickle, a pickle with the perfect balance between crunchy and juicy. But pickles don’t go well with breakfast cereals, such as Celesti-Os, which was the company behind Celestia’s legal distress. “Well, not as good as that damn cereal’s. Why don’t we have a better legal team than a breakfast company? I mean, we’re the rulers of Equestria for God’s sake.”
“Sister, do not worry. We have all the bits in the world. You can buy yourself a really really great lawyer.”
“I could... but I kind of spent all our money.” Celestia plastered on an awkward smile.
“You WHAT?! What did you spend it on?” Luna was not amused by her sister’s fiscal irresponsibility. And Luna’s easily amused by simple things, such as throwing spiders at a target.
“I may have accidentally bought a lifetime supply of Honey Nut Celesti-Os, and well, our lifetime is... long, so it was a lot of boxes. And in doing so, I may have also caused a riot. Ponies really hate regular Celesti-Os”
“How could you do such a thing?”
“It’s a really good cereal. You should try it.”
“Sorry Tia, but I have a contract with my own cereal, Apple Jacks-- do you think Twilight’s friend will be mad if I use her image?”
“Luna, you’re brilliant! Twilight’s probably read a few law books in her time, she can be my attorney!”
“Frankly my sister, I don’t give a damn.” Luna winked at Celestia.
“What is that? What are you doing? Is that a reference to something?”
“No... but it could be.” Luna put on a huge grin. “Do you want to write a movie?”
Celestia stared and squinted at her sister for a long time, and unblinking she continued to stare, her eyes getting increasingly squintier. After what seemed like hours of one princess squinting and the other grinning like an idiot, Celestia answered. “Yes. Yes I do.”
* * *
Dust, splinters, and fire rained from the sky as five colorful ponies lay panting on the ground... but this was practically an average day in Neigh Jersey. Oddly enough though, the same scene could be seen in Ponyville. Yes, our heroines made it out alive of the now destroyed Sugarcube Corner, just in the nick of time. Unfortunately, Pinkie Pie was unable to save her beloved herb friend, Nick of Thyme.
He will be missed.
“By the beard of Starswirl. Is everypony alright?” Twilight’s question was answered by the groans of her friends. “Pinkie, how did that bomb get into your bakery?”
“Well, first off Twilight, it’s not my bakery it’s the Cakes’-- oh dear Celestia, the CAKES!”
“I thought they were on vacation--”
“Not the ponies, you idiot! The poor, innocent dessert dishes.” Pinkie began crying. “Now they’ll never be enjoyed.”
“Focus Pinkie!” Twilight Sparkle’s exasperation was starting to show on her face, but only because in the middle of this explosiony stuff, somepony had stuck an “exasperation” sticker on her forehead. She peeled the sticker off and continued talking. “You said you found a letter? Maybe it’s from the bomb planter.”
“Well, there’s no return address and all it says is ‘If you survive, meet me at the Everfree Forest tonight. And bring a box of the good stuff.’ A box of the good stuff, I wonder what that means?”
“It’s probably drugs,” Rainbow Dash suggested. “And the only pony I know that sells drugs is--”
“Zecora!”
“No. Applejack, that’s racist. As I was saying, the only pony I know that sells drugs is--”
“The good stuff is probably Honey Nut Celesti-Os.”
“Twilight. You don’t have to interrupt me. Seriously uncool.”
“How’d you come to that conclusion?” asked Applejack.
“Have you seen how much ponies like that cereal? They’re starting riots for crying out loud. I wouldn’t be surprised if somepony tried to buy a box, saw it was sold out, then got so mad that they committed mass murder.”
“Have you seen how much ponies like drugs?”
“Rainbow Dash, shut up! Let’s just go to the Everfree Forest.”
Five sets of hooves made their way to the dreaded forest, picking up Fluttershy along the way. It had been a long day for all. Especially for Twilight, who’s sanity was cracking like a dozen eggs haphazardly packed into a grocery bag underneath a sack full of potatoes. However, absent from this grocery bag was a box of the greatly desired Honey Nut Celesti-Os.
The six ponies finally made it to their destination, and as expected, a mysterious seventh was waiting for them on a cliffside facing the ocean.
“Well, well, well. You came after all.” It was a stallion with a deep, enchanting voice. He looked out into the vast sea waves. Even if he was facing the girls, his identity was hidden by a brown cloak. “Did you bring the--”
“Who are you?” asked Twilight.
“Don’t interrupt me. That’s not how you engage in a conversa--”
“Just shut up and tell us who you are and why you murdered those ponies.”
“First of all, I can’t shut up AND tell you who I am. Secondly, you just interrupted me again. Is she always like this?”
“She’s been doing it all day,” said Rainbow Dash.
“Geez... what a bitch.” Glad somebody agrees with me. Didn’t I say earlier how much of a bitch Twilight is for interrupting my fun fact?
“Tell me about it. And she keeps on telling ponies to shut up and--”
“ENOUGH! Who are you and why did you murder those ponies?”
“Who I am is not important. Why I did it? Well, it’s a long story, but have you ever gone grocery shopping, find out there’s a sale on you favorite cereal, then find out that it’s sold out, then the idiot bagger puts a sack of potatoes on top of your eggs and crushes them, and to top it all off, have you ever tried to get a blood stain out of your favorite towel?!” Well then, my non sequiturs just got awkward.
“Is that what this is all about? Honey Nut Celesti-Os?”
“What? They’re addicting.”
“I knew it was about Honey Nut Celesti-Os!”
“Shut up Rainbow Dash, you said it was about drugs.”
“Actually... it is about drugs,” said Fluttershy.
“Fluttershy, darling, what are you talking about?”
“Well, if you guys ever hung out with me or asked me about my day, you’d know that I’m the CEO of Celesti-Os, and I might have accidentally laced the cereal with cocaine, heroin, LSD, and nicotine. Sorry Twilight.”
“What?! Fluttershy, where’d you get all those drugs?”
“Well Twilight,” Rainbow began. “While you were interrupting me earlier, I was trying to say that the one pony I know that sells drugs is Fluttershy. If you had let me speak, this information wouldn’t have come flying out of left field.”
“Are you all crazy?” asked Twilight, but she’s known the answer to that question since the series’ premiere.
“Ha! Crazy? Twilight do you know where we are?” asked the mysterious hooded stallion.
“The Everfree Forest, but what does that matter?”
“The Everfree Forest yes. But more specifically Twilight...” The murderer chuckled, causing Twilight’s skin to crawl. “You call us crazy, but I have led you all to the Cliff of Insanity. This cliff right here that I am standing on. Isn’t that brilliant? And that ocean out there? The Ocean of Despair, with it’s waves of panic crashing onto the beach. Isn’t it all beautiful? Hahahahaha!”
“What are you planning?” Twilight was scared of this deranged stranger, but she demanded answers for this madness.
“I want you to fall off the edge of Insanity, be swept up by the panic and carried out into Despair.”
“Sorry to ruin the mood, but do y’all hear that?” Oh crap, I forgot Applejack was in this story. Speaking of which, what have Pinkie and Rairty been up to?
“Pinkie, am I old?”
“I, uhm... no?”
“Do look I fat? I ate all the sugarcubes that led to the dead bodies.”
“Goodness, you’re a cow.”
“What?”
“Nothing Rarity, you’re beautiful.”
“Seriously, do y’all hear that?” The sound of thousands of hooves pounding against dirt could be heard. And if somepony were to look at where the sound was coming from, they could see a herd of mares, stallions, colts, and fillies all carrying torches, pitchforks, and signs that said “Down with Celesti-Os. Up with the Honey Nut” and angrily running to the spot where our seven ponies were standing. Strangely enough, the herd was chasing two alicorns holding scripts and film cameras.
“RUN LUNA!”
Celestia and Luna led the herd to the Cliff of Insanity, and the ponies mindlessly followed. The Princesses spread their wings, but the angry mob chasing them were not so lucky and stampeded off the cliff, taking the hooded Sugarcube serial killer with them, ending his life (see, I told you the angry mob was important).
If I stopped the story here, it would be quite the cliffhanger. Anyone? No? Ok, back to the plotline.
“Luna, get this on film, get this on film!” demanded Celestia.
“Dear Celestia, they’re like lemmings,” said Twilight, staring wide eyed at the stampede .
“Actually, Twilight,” Fluttershy interjected. “The whole suicidal lemming thing was just an urban myth started by Colt Disney for a nature documentary. And it appears that Princess Celestia is doing the same thing.”
“Right-o Fluttershy.” “
“Celestia, why was an angry mob chasing you?” asked Twilight.
“Celesti-Os... it’s complicated. Where’s my actor?”
“OUR actor. Don’t take all the credit sister, the movie was my idea. Here’s the beaver.”
Fluttershy gasped. “What are you doing with Mr. Beaverton Beaverteeth.”
“Shh shh shh. He’s about to say his line.” Celestia and Luna bit their lips to contain their excitement.
In perfect clarity and vocal inflection, Mr. Beaverton Beaverteeth said eight beautiful, perfectly written words: “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a dam.”
It was tear inducing among everypony, and the director and writer couldn’t hold their weeping. Even Twilight Sparkle, who had had enough of Sugarcube serial killers, angry mobs, insane and out of character ponies, and all of Equestria’s madness, was crying at the beauty of the beaver.
“That’s a wrap everypony,” stated Celestia, still crying. She hugged her sister tightly and shared with her the pride of a completed masterpiece.
Twilight looked to all of her friends, to her mentor, to Princess Luna, to Beaverton Beaverteeth, to the angry mob still committing suicide, and she basked in the happiness of it all. “Hey,” she spoke, and everypony listened. “Let’s get some Honey Nut Celesti-Os. My treat.”
And everypony laughed together, ate cereal together, and just had a good time. Twilight slept easy that night. Applejack found her trusty stetson and stopped acting strangely. Rainbow Dash broke her nose, which was always on her bucket list. Rarity found a stallion who didn’t care about looks, age, or eating habits. Fluttershy retired early, and lived happily off the money of her Celesti-Os business. Celestia and Luna rekindled their sisterly relationship with their new passion for filmmaking.
Everything was peaceful. At least until the fateful day when the bracelet gnome empire overthrows Equestria, but as I said earlier, that’s another story for another time.
