Traces

by CloudMagnet

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Trixie
Length: 7604

A travelling magician tries to keep a nasty secret from an inquisitive Twilight

I'm a travelling magician, one of the many you will find plying the trade roads between Canterlot, Hoofington and Fillydelphia giving shows in the public spaces of towns big and small. I had some ... setbacks early in my career. I guess you could say that I've got everything under control now but it all could come disastrously unstuck if I can't get rid of that inquisitive little purple unicorn.

Published 2012-02-13 06:54:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-02-17 13:14:04 UTC

On the edge of the Everfree (Prologue)

I was a league out from Ponyville travelling along a dusty path on the edge of the Everfree Forest when I first met her. I was in the traces of the caravan at the time, not a dignified look and I was sweating like a mule under the late afternoon sun. I was wearing my rather ostentatious wizards hat to keep the sun out of my eyes and as a kind of badge of office. It pays to let everypony know that you are a wizard. I keep mine on at all times in public.

She was trotting out of the deeper forest wearing some saddlebags stuffed with leafy plants and glass bottles filled with various liquids of dubious colouration. She was a pleasant lilac with a streaked deep blue mane. Her cutie mark was covered by her panniers so I could not be sure of her occupation, but the contents of her bags seemed to suggest that she was a magician herbalist, probably a healer. I had never travelled to this town before and herbalists were always useful ponies to know, so I gave her a friendly wave.

She just trotted right up to me and started talking... on the verge of the Everfree. A filly like her should be more wary of wanderers, though I suppose a pony is the least threatening kind of soul you could come across on the edge of the wilderness. We were both heading in the same direction, towards the township. Perhaps she felt safer with some company?

I didn’t have a chance to find out. As soon as she saw my hat and guessed my trade she simply didn’t stop talking. Not even to introduce herself.

I guess ponies around these parts don’t see a lot of travelling magicians. I had grown a little weary of plying the highway towns linking Canterlot to Hoofington and Fillydelphia and had struck out for less travelled routes to the West where the pay was low but there was no real competition.

She was eager to talk shop and I realised very quickly that I was out of my depth.

“The grand unified theory of Magic? Yeah I’ve heard of it. The professors mentioned that a few times in magic school.” I responded without interest. I was not really eager to be on this subject.

She bounced, and I mean really bounced, from enthusiasm and whipped a sheaf of notes from one of her saddlebags, levitating it in front of my face.

“I’ve been working on a paper to show the fundamental interconnectedness of all pony magics! To show how earth pony, pegasus and unicorn magic are just different facets of the one underlying force!”

“Uh-huh?”, I offered. Way out of my depth. My knowledge of magic was mostly practical. Being on the road putting on shows almost every night left little time for theoretical study and my limited time at the Academy had been largely spent avoiding such esoteric nonsense.

I threw her a cautious look. Her eyes were wide with some kind of crazy enthusiasm, though they made a pretty match for the pink and purple highlights in her hair. I decided that I could endure a technical discussion, trekking between towns can be lonely work and sometimes it's just nice to have someone to walk with.

Even if you can't understand a word that they are saying.

“The basic equations are complete and consistent - but I have to account for zebra and alicorn magic as well and although she has been supporting my research, I just can’t schedule any time with Princess Celestia to experiment.” she pouted.

Well, my brain caught up to the conversation rapidly at that point. I stopped to look her in the eye. This filly was writing a dissertation with the support of the Princess? Crackpots who claim to have solved one of the oldest conumdrums of systematised magic are not rare, but young organised ones who claim to have access to Equestria’s monarch most certainly are.

The filly meanwhile had not noticed that I had stopped. She blithely trotted on ahead of me, holding a learned discourse with the air beside her. I certainly didn’t mind the view, but decided I should catch her up and keep the conversation going. A travelling magician is always on the lookout for a new angle or a new type of trick. A magical prodigy could be just what I was looking for.

Ponyville

Near the edge of the township the little mauve mare had said her goodbyes and trotted off about her own business, inviting me to drop into the public library. Apparently she was some kind of caretaker librarian and lived in a giant tree.

I had to laugh, she had been so wound up in explaining her frankly incomprehensible theories that she had never thought to tell me her name.

Or why she was wandering in the Everfree Forest. That place had a reputation across all of Equestria.

I hauled the cart into Ponyville’s rather quaint main square about an hour before sundown. Perfect timing for a village this small. It offered enough time for the locals to gather but not enough to become bored. After magically unfolding the stage and deploying the sign I snuck a look through the wagons peephole.

The peephole was my own little addition to the caravan and had saved my flank on many occasions. It allowed me to surreptitiously observe ponies as they reacted to the presence of the flashy caravan in their town centre and tailor the entertainment I offered to suit the situation. On a few rare occasions I had simply packed up the stage and left, convinced that a lynching awaited the next magician to attempt a performance in that town.

What I saw was not encouraging. The locals had gathered around the stage with bags of fruit and vegetables. I had a strong suspicion that these ponies were not intending to offer me a nutritious evening meal. ‘Oh well, looks like I need to win them over quickly tonight. Hmm, luckily about half the crowd are foals. If I can interest the foals the adults will follow.’ It was time for a sure-fire crowd pleaser.

'deep breath... focus... '

I started with a dramatic wall of mystical smoke with a gentle eerie sheen. Now for the dramatic voice spell... “Distinguished mares and gentlecolts of worth,” I boomed, stepping silently through the smoke with an elegant forgery of a Canterlot high-brow piaffe. ‘Damn it, some of these punters are already clutching their fruit. Can’t they give a pony a chance?’

I worked the illumination into distant lightning on my stages false horizon. The silhouettes of volcanoes threw plumes of smoke into a hazy sky.

“I, your humble narrator, will take you on a journey through the mystic ages, to a time before the benevolent rule of the Royal Sisters.” At the word ‘humble’ the whole crowd visibly relaxed. Some of the fruit was returning to the paper bags and ponies began to smile a little. Something very bad must have happened here, I resolved to ask one of the pundits after the show.

A dropped my voice to a magical stage whisper directed at the foals who had clustered at the front of the audience “Come, come closer little ones and prepare yourselves to learn the harrowing truth. Murder, romance, betrayal and a sea of fire await you as I recount the horrific tale of...” 'Big breath, reinstate the stage voice' “TROGDOR!” Some very cheesy stage lightning and a convincing roll of thunder drew an excited squeal from the foals.

The atmosphere around the square relaxed completely. ‘Trogdor’ was old carnival fare, foals and adults alike knew what to expect. Lots of silliness, hammy violence and unambiguous justice dispensed to please the foals (and the foalish at heart.) Lots of sly adult humour and a few dirty jokes that would go right over the foals heads but keep the adults amused.

--c--

“...burninating the countryside! Burninating the peasants!” I rumbled through my magical enhancement. The foals laughed and the adults winced good-naturedly at the mangled equestrian. They knew that their hyperactive offspring would be shouting it all day long in the playgrounds tomorrow as they improvised swords from sticks and beat the sap out of trees.

I gave the audience a quick scan from the corner of my eye. Somepony was not enjoying themselves, I could feel it.

It was her, the prolix purple prodigy from the Everfree. I nearly lost a beat in my dialouge. ‘Great Celestia, I think I can feel her eyes burning a hole through me.’ The feeling was so strong I tested my wizard hat with my hoof to make sure it was not on fire, disguising the action as a dramatic flourish to end the first act. The curtains closed and I started a gramophone to provide suitably eerie intermission music while I took a breather.

Safe in the familiar surroundings of my caravan and bouyed by the genuine applause and hoof-stomping of the Ponyvillians, I threw a glance out of the peephole. ‘Perhaps I just caught her at a bad moment, she seemed so friendly earlier in the day.’

I leapt back a stride from the hole in shock ‘She’s still scowling and she’s LOOKING RIGHT AT THE PEEPHOLE.’ I noticed that she had been joined by two other young mares, an exquisite white unicorn and a strong orange earth pony sporting a stetson hat. She was waving her hooves to make some kind of point, gesturing at the caravan. The other mares looked confused and were obviously placating her.

I saw her pull a large faceted gem from her saddlebags and peer into it with a sour expression. Something about that gem seemed very familiar to me but I had no time to give it further thought. I’m not an accomplished magician and preparation of the spells for the second act would take most of the time set aside for intermission.

‘This purple pony prodigy has a pretty pout’ I surmised, resolving to put her from my mind as I arranged my materials for the second act, taking a small pinch of white powder from a certain little pewter box. This night I needed a little extra .. oomph.

-- c --

“for it was TROGDOR!”

Sweat dripped down the inside of my robe and spangled hat. I was panting and exhausted but I knew from long experience that my mystical mist would hide such worldly weaknesses from the audience. It was becoming harder and harder to concentrate. ‘Why are they staring at me like that?' Now there were six young mares in a cluster with my earlier acquaintance and none of them looked particularly happy. Well, except for that pink earth pony. 'Is that a baby DRAGON with them?’

Despite my reservations I had begun the second act with a grim determination to wipe that scowl off the librarians pretty face. She was a unicorn after all. My time at the academy had shown me that unicorns who specialised in magic were, as a rule, jealous of their abilities and harshly critical of those around them who could not measure up. I would show her!

I had been unsuccessful. If anything she was frowning harder now, but I was content. I had been spurred into giving the most intense and magically draining performance of my life, making my illusions deeper, more spectacular and more real than I had ever dared in the past. I estimated that I had just enough energy to close the show before collapsing in an undignified heap.

Intense magical fire engulfed the stage as the villain met his mandated death. Not really true to the original myth of Trogdor, but ponies only really know the story as it is told in these modern times. Celestia help the performer who would attempt to change the formula in a small town like Ponyville.

Bits rained onto the stage to generous applause as I took my bow. Initial creepiness notwithstanding, Ponyville seemed like a nice place. I promised the crowd a matinee and evening show on the following day and drew the curtains. ‘By Luna's twirly horn, I need doughnuts. Preferably a whole box of them. With sprinkles.’

Luckily, I had just the thing in my storage trunk, all the way from Canterlot.

I swept the bits off the stage and folded the panels back together with the last of my magic. Counting my haul could wait until morning. Farmers and small town ponies were usually generous but threw smaller denomination bits than in the cities. Occasionally in a hamlet like this I would wake to find a gift of produce or somepony offering me breakfast, which always made me smile.

I shucked my robes and hat into the ‘clean when I can’ pile and sank into my reading chair. I was beginning to yawn.

‘Wow, I’ve really knocked myself out. Maybe that was a little too much tonight, a pony can hurt themselves expressing too much magic. I need to be more careful’ I thought as I wearily hoofed open the doughnut box on my lap.

I was asleep before I could even choose a flavour.

After the show

Most equestrian magic users have a very good clock in their heads. The sun and the moon are powerful magical bodies and their influence can always be felt. If you know where the celestial orbs are positioned, then you must know the time. It’s just a matter of accuracy and experience. Because of the nature of my earth magic, I’m proud to say that my magical clock is very accurate. Celestia knows, I don’t have a lot else to crow about.

I knew, instinctively, that I had spent less than 20 minutes asleep before I was awoken by a pounding at my caravan door.

‘Can’t a pony catch a break? Ugh, it feels like every muscle in my body has been liquified.’

I was so tired and discombobulated that I made a crippling mistake. 3 years on the road and I had always been careful. I had always locked the caravan door and kept the tools of my trade well hidden. It worked to enhance the mystery of my stage persona but it also acted as a precautionary measure against anypony sticking their nose too far into my business.

Tonight the fatigue had made me careless. The door was not latched.

I responded around a yawn without pausing to think. “Yes, what is it?”

My visitor took that as permission to open the caravan door. It was the librarian. “Look, I know that it’s late but I really need to talk with you about...” She stopped dead halfway through the door, her mouth open.

It took me a good half second to realise what was wrong. My hat and cloak were in the corner of the room. She could see everything. ‘Oh, horseapples. I am so sprung. Damage control! Quickly!’

Cool, calm and collected. Act like nothing is wrong. “Please, young Miss. Would you come in and close the door?”

She was looking me up and down and she was certainly not admiring my physique. I could almost see the callipers in her eyes measuring me up.

Seemingly satisfied with her appraisal, she spoke: “The distance between your shoulders is too great and your ribcage is the wrong shape. Your eyebrow ridges are wrong and so is the shape of the top of your skull. Your flank is wrong too.”

Well that was different. I lifted an eyebrow. “My flank is ... wrong? What don’t you like about it?” I gave the offending flank a serious look.

She coloured up in a delightful way. Well, it would have been delightful under other any other circumstances than these.

She stammered through a sudden blush “I, It’s not a matter of personal preference. It’s wrong for a unicorn. Everything about you is wrong.” She stepped forward into my personal space and lowered her brow. “You’re an earth pony. This explains a lot. Especially...” Her gaze slid upwards towards my conspicuously hornless head.

I offered her a wide pie-eating smile “Yes, I guess it does. Now would you care to close that door?”

--c--

The mauve mare rested on a cushion in my caravan, her legs folded primly under her body in a businesslike manner, her saddle bags leaning against the cupboard next to her. They had made a heavy ‘thunk’ noise when she had set them down.

Those lavender eyes were drilling holes through me again. She took a sip of hot chocolate and levitated a doughnut from the proffered box.

“Pony Joe’s doughnuts?” I haven’t tasted these since the night of the Gala! Fresh too! Oh, I see... You’ve enchanted the box.” She squinted at the box like a carpenter assessing a dubious chair at a yard sale. I could see those mental callipers at work again.

She seemed satisfied with her scrutiny. “Proudmane’s Produce Protector. Nice work. It’s hard to use that spell without altering the taste of things. Food always seemed to come out tasting like almonds when I used it. I usually go for a temporal spell instead like Starswirl’s Super Specific Spherical Slowage.”

I shrugged off the mild compliment. I certainly did not want to talk about my magic or Starswirl the Bearded and his maniacally difficult and twitchy spells. I decided to derail the conversation a little with some gossip. “You attended the last Grand Galloping Gala? I heard it was a fiasco.” ‘And you look way too young to be invited to the GGG. Daughter of some figure of nobility perhaps?’

Something was tickling in the recesses of my memory. I realised that I knew this unicorn from somewhere, or at least knew of her. Was she a minor celebrity of some sort?

“Oh, yes. It kinda was..” She looked sheepish for a moment. “The Princess invited my friends and I because she thought it would lighten the mood a little... but things got out of hand. She wasn’t angry though, she said she had more fun at the last Gala than any other.”

A dreadful suspicion was forming in my mind. “You were invited by Princess Celestia herself?”

She beamed. “I’m her personal student!” she proudly proclaimed.

‘Oh sweet bucking Celestia’s rosy flanks, no...’ “You’re Twilight Sparkle.”

There was no way now I that could just throw this young mare out if she became a problem. She had the ear of the Princess and had to be handled carefully. Travelling performers who displeased nobility or their hangers-on could find themselves without permits for working the big cities. Or harassed by the Guard, something I could Ill-afford.

She giggled. “I’m sorry, I forgot to introduce myself didn’t I? I get so caught up in things sometimes I forget little social niceties like that. Like when I find a good mystery, especially one that is relevant to my personal studies.” She narrowed her gaze. Her scrutiny made me feel like I was a test subject in a lab.

I began to sweat, just a little.

Twilight Sparkle... she was an infamous item of gossip amongst the academy’s cognoscenti. The day she had left Canterlot for good you could almost feel a wave of relief pass through the school. There had been a betting pool on how long it would take before she accidentally levelled the city. Of course, you had to be alive after such an event to collect your money, which made it all a bit whimsical.

The rumour mill said that she had already nearly destroyed her new hometown twice.

The town I was in right now!

I had to be sure. “You are the same Twilight Sparkle that blew the roof off the training hall on your entrance exam?”

She recoiled a little. “Do they still talk about that? I was just a little filly... I couldn’t control my magic at all back then.”

Twilight’s explanation did not help me feel any more at ease. Her power could only have increased since then. Although the official story was that she had been sent out to do field research, some said around the academy that she was exiled from Canterlot by Princess Celestia for being too dangerous for such a populated area.

My magic was thoroughly depleted now, rather than float the pot over to refill our cups I turned away to reach for it physically. I felt a tendril of magic behind me. There was a soft ‘pop’ followed by Twilight’s startled “Oops..”

I turned back with the pot hanging from my mouth and froze. Twilight’s horn was in the doughnut box, several brightly coloured iced doughnuts were stuck to it’s surface dripping liberal amounts of jam. As my mouth fell open the pot dropped to the floor. Her predicament was amusing but not entirely the cause of my shock. My eyes were glued to her cutie mark.

Cutie marks can tell you a lot about a pony. I guess that is what the royal sisters intended when they devised the system all those thousands of years ago.

Those ponies gifted with strong magic will usually have a star as part of their mark, often juxtaposed with some hint of the field in which their strongest magic lies. My mark was a star and a lodestone marking me as a geomancer, an earth pony who is good at locating wells, measuring the depth of the water table or feeling the right spot to place the foundations of a building, that sort of thing. That’s about as magical as earth ponies get. Usually.

Twilight’s cutie mark was frankly terrifying. A huge red star with entirely too many rays was placed centrally, denoting enormous power. This star was flanked on all sides by smaller stars, probably showing an ability to master any field of magic and to do so with crushing force. I swear the only pony I have ever seen with a larger central star was Princess Celestia herself with her majestic golden sun cutie mark. And why the hay was Twilight’s central star an evil looking red?

Twilight coughed. “Hey, my eyes are over here.”

I realised that I had been staring wide eyed at Twilight’s rump for far too long to offer a convenient explanation.

“Um, I - ah - was just looking at your cutie mark.”

Twilight rolled her eyes a little. Every mare, and not a few colts have heard that a hundred times. Or perhaps she was just looking in exasperation at her horn, which was covered in frosting. I hoofed her a cloth from my cupboard.

BIushing a little, I inspected the doughnut box. Watching Twilight trying to clean her sticky horn was considerably more disquieting than being caught staring at her cutie mark. “You’ve destroyed the stasis spell around the doughnuts.”

“It was an accident." She grumbled, her attention focused on the serious business of clearing jam from inside the ridges of her horn.

I was most certainly not catching glances of the whole intriguing process in the reflection of the caravan's window.

"It’s a more succinct version of the spell than the one I have stored in the library. I was trying to unravel a little of it to study its structure but it exploded.” She frowned a little. “It shouldn’t have done that. The structure of the spell was all scrambled. It felt like it was cast by four different unicorns at once.”

‘Uh oh. That’s striking too close to home. Change the subject!’

Suddenly, I had a truly brilliant idea. I could have a little fun and ensure that this inquisitive mare would be in no state to meddle any further with my person or my property.

“Well Miss Sparkle, I’m out of magic and you don’t know the spell so there is only one thing we can do now.”

I hoofed two plates from the cupboard and began to divide the untidy pile of remaining doughnuts between them. “These will be stale by tomorrow.”

Her eyes widened as I placed a plate of 23 of Pony Joe’s finest in front of her and another in front of me. “Are you serious?”

“Are you saying Princess Celestia’s personal prodigy can’t hold her doughnuts?" I affected a snobbish nose-tilt worthy of the most inbred nobility Canterlot could offer. "I thought you were a graduate of the Canterlot Royal Magical Academy. This village must be making you soft.” I gave her a suitably evil leer over the intimidating pile as I filled her cup from the rescued pot of chocolate.

Twilight hardened her gaze. “Oh, a challenge. I practically lived at Pony Joe’s. It. Is. On.”

The Showdown

We had demolished about half of the pile of doughnuts and I was starting to have serious doubts about the wisdom of my challenge. No unicorn should be able to take on an earth pony in a contest of this nature but Twilight was matching me bite for bite and doing so with apparently little effort on her part. I put on a fresh pot of chocolate, it looked like this would be a long night and possibly one with a woozy aftermath in the morning.

Surprisingly, and despite her rumoured terrifying destructive powers, Twilight was great company. We were surrounded by old textbooks I had taken from the academy when I left. She made margin notes in several showing ways in which the spells had been modified over the years. My reserves of magical power are very limited so I was grateful for any way she could make the spells I use every day more efficient.

Our discussion turned to magical paraphernalia. Travelling magicians occasionally act as travelling salesponys supplementing their income by trucking magical knick-knacks or the latest scrolls from town to town, often hawking them during their performances. I had to disappoint Twilight by telling her that I was not well heeled enough to be involved in that game and had nothing impressive to show her. I winkled my nose a little in distaste. Some showponies were very unsublte with their pitches and their art suffered for it.

Seeing that I had nothing of great interest to offer her Twilight pulled the huge gem she had been consulting during my show out of her pannier. “This gem is a magical shield of sorts. Princess Celestia gifted one to the town of Ponyville to protect us from rouge magicians and wild magical beasts. We seem to see more than our fair share of mass magical destruction in Ponyville.” She looked a little sheepish here. I guessed that Twilight Sparkle’s residence in this very town was the primary reason for the princess’ generous gift and that not a few unicorns in the town would have been trained how to use it on her if the need arose.

Twilight tilted the gem so that I could see into the topmost facet, it was reacting to her presence with a steady lilac pulsing. “You have to tune the gem to the signature of the magic you wish to block. We’ve had .. problems .. with travelling magicians getting out of hoof and causing trouble before so I try to keep an eye on anyone performing in the village square and keep the gem tuned to them. Just in case I need to call a halt to the show.” I recognised it now. They were widely used in the academy to protect important buildings during major experiments like the ill-fated Great Magical Linear Accelerator. But this one was huge!

“I thought they were a lot smaller than that” I opined.

“Well, yeah..” She certainly looked uncomfortable now. “They made them bigger after I blew up the one in the training hall.” By this stage I was beyond surprise, simply nodding in agreement. Of course she was capable of decimating ancient safety equipment that had lasted the academy for the past ten centuries.

“But there’s something wrong with this one... You’re using ordinary unicorn spells but I couldn’t tune the gem to you at all. I was trying all the way through your show.” She turned to place the gem in her saddlebags and I thought I could see her sway a little..

‘Finally, the dougnuts are kicking in. She might be a powerful prodigy with a stomach of cast iron but she’s no earth pony.’ The problem was, I was feeling a bit under the weather myself. I had to keep her distracted, perhaps extract a promise to mention my show favourably to either of the Princesses, then get her the hay out of here.

Twilight was beginning to slur her words a little, but it seemed that she was still determined to question me. Honestly, if the conversation involved magic that mare could talk underwater.

“So, how did you get into the academy anyway? The stare was back, pinning me to my seat like a butterfly in a museum. “It’s hard enough for a unicorn to be accepted, I’ve never heard of an earth pony getting in.” she said. “.. or doing unicorn magic at all for that matter..” she added under her breath.

With each doughnut it was becoming harder and harder for me to separate safe subjects for conversation from those that would land me in prison but talking about the time I spent at the academy should be safe enough.

“Well, one year a certain talented filly-who-shall-remain-nameless blew the roof off one of the buildings. Restoring historical buildings is tricky work - especially if they are part of the castle complex which is inherently magical. You need one or two geomancers on the team to read stress levels through the structure and the ground below and you have to be sure that the repairs are properly distributing the load from the older materials around them. I was in Canterlot looking for work at the time and they took me on.”

Twilight was stuffing a large jam filled treat into her mouth around sips of hot chocolate. “So you were on the repair team after I blew up the Hall.. but how did you become a student?”

“I never became a student. They hired me as a groundskeeper and handypony. There was always some part of that building blowing up whilst you were enrolled. I spent seven years there, listening to lectures when I could, taking home books that were discarded each year and chatting with the lecturers. Living in Canterlot was a revelation, it gave me access to all sorts of things I couldn’t get back home.”

“Like what? And why did you move to Canterlot in the first place? Twilight leaned forward into my personal space, her eyes narrowed with suspicion. “I never saw you at the Academy and I knew all of the staff.”

“...” It was time to wrap this up. “Well, Miss Sparkle, the Academy was a big place. I was just a lowly groundskeeper, far beneath the notice of the Princess’ personal student. Now I really must turn in. Perhaps we can talk again tomorrow ..”

“You still haven’t told me how the hay you are able to use unicorn magic.”

I turned away to clear the plates and cups. “Maybe tomorrow, it’s getting late.”

“You’re avoiding the question! You’ve been doing it all night. Don't think that I haven't noticed.” Twilight stood up to confront me. She was unsteady on her feet and showed a definite list to the left.

“Tell me! How do you do it? I could tell that there was something wrong with your magic from the moment you started your performance! I need to know. My thesis! If you can perform unicorn magic you could be vital for my research!”

Poor Twilight, my magic would not help her thesis one little bit. She crashed back down to the cushion.

“Perhaps you shouldn’t have stood up so fast. Twilight? Are you OK?”

Twilight was out cold, her mane charmingly dishevelled and a tiny portion of tongue poking out of her mouth. Overindulging on Pony Joe’s finest will do that to a unicorn. He claims to have a secret ingredient in his sprinkles. It’s even funnier when a pegasus tries it.

It was a shame really, I do enjoy company when I’m on the road; Twilight was fascinating, but she was too dangerous and way too smart to keep around. Ponyville would not see tomorrow’s matinee or evening shows. I would be leaving first thing in the morning while she was still sleeping off all that cream and jam.

Luckily the stage was folded and the gear at least partially stowed. I could be prepped for travel and away in minutes.

But first I had this inebriated mare to deal with. Normally I’d just throw a blanket over her and let her sleep it off, it was certainly not the first time somepony had overindulged and passed out on my guest cushion.

Not this time. I opened my chest and located a sturdy little pewter box, about two hoofs wide by one hoof deep. I flicked the catch and cast a critical eye over the contents. I reckoned there to be about four days worth if I used my magic sparingly for the next few shows. I didn’t dare attempt to refill the box here in Ponyville. Not with Princess Celestia’s personal student in this very town. I would run a good chance of waking up on the moon.

I dipped my nose into the box and took a measured sniff, licking the white powder from my muzzle. Inhaling the powder gave immediate results but after using it twice in one night I knew I’d pay for it tomorrow with a blinder of a headache. ‘While I’m trying to pull the caravan too.. oh well, it can’t be helped.’

Well, locating Twilight's home would not pose any problems. The very odd combination of public-library, personal residence and bucking huge tree was visible from anywhere in Ponyville.

Was that a telescope on the deck? Classy.

Levitating Twilight’s body with newfound ease and a noticable sway, I carried her and the remaining doughnuts back to her strange abode. My magic had taken on a lovely mottled pink and blue hue tonight... or perhaps I was just smashed on rainbow sprinkles.

I was rather proud of the fact that I made it all the way without either falling flat on my face or ramming the oblivious Twilight into any lampposts.

The strange little dragon I had seen earlier opened the library door. His gruff demeanor brightened visibly when he saw just how many doughnuts I had brought him.

Celestia's Golden Hammer

I was dancing with Princess Luna. The beams of pure white moonlight looked almost solid, like shafts of impossible marble framing a modest circular ballroom floor where we daintily stepped through the moves of an ancient formal dance. All around us forested foothills full of glinting feral eyes led away to dangerous peaks limned with purple lightning.

All dances are stylised sexual tension frozen into rote, even those performed with a goddess. Our eyes were locked and our breaths came together. As commanded by the dance, our bodies closed in. The sky in the east lightened through the colours of Twilight. Sparkling stars retreating before the oncoming dawn.

Step, step, slide, Luna rustled her wings and dipped her head, I followed suit. We circled each other as Celestia rose over the horizon, an enormous comical golden mallet clutched in her mouth. The new wings on my back were not a cause for concern. They were needed for the moves of the dance, so they appeared and disappeared as required.

The circle tightened, we draped our wings around each other's backs and drew ourselves in, our lips...

“WHAT IN EQUESTRIA DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING WITH MY SISTER?”

Princess Celestia dropped from the sky like a meteor, my mind exploded into gold as the mallet flattened me to the Earth where my kind belonged.

She stood above me, imperious and stern. “Know your place earth pony.”

Celestia’s golden hammer pounded on my skull. Pound. Pound. Pound.

No. Wait. It was just a beam of morning sunlight striking through my caravan’s window and into my dry eyes. I had left the curtains open in order to wake up with the dawn. I needed to be out of this place before Twilight could corner me again.

I put away the dream charm I had bought in Hoofington for guaranteeing pleasant nights. It worked far too well, often I was loathe to wake up. The cunningly wrought azure crescent set in silver had cost me two weeks worth of takings but once I had set my eyes upon it I simply had to possess it.

‘But why the hay do I always dream about Princess Luna? I’ve only met her once.’ All of the academy staff had lined up for inspection as the royal sisters toured the facility. Rumours about the recently returned Princess Luna were rampant. Some of the staff claimed illness and fled rather than come face to face with a creature that had threatened Equestria with eternal darkness.

She was easily as terrifying as Twilight Sparkle but without the cold comfort of familiarity to temper the fear. I had thought her the most beautiful and distant pony I had ever seen. In the true spirit of royalty she had glided through the halls at her sister’s side without casting so much as a glance towards the servants on display.

I pulled a bottle of tincture of willowbark from my bedside drawer. Waking suddenly from the charms effects always caused a disturbing backlash and a doughnut hangover was not helping matters. Rather than expend energy in making up a mixture I just took a quick pull from the container. It tasted like my mood.

I could hear the sounds of a weekend farmer's market setting up in the park next to the town square, cheerful greetings ringing in the clear morning air punctuated by the crack of mallets as pegs for guy ropes were pounded into the packed earth.

I took a second long pull from the willowbark tincture as I opened the window. Now I could hear the creaking of folding tables and the jingling of tack as loads were unpacked and displayed for sale.

BANG BANG CREAK JINGLE BANG CRACK “HI CARROT TOP!” BANG CREAK “BUY SOME APPLES!” TWANG “OOPS, MY BAD” BANG

Columnists who waxed lyrical on the charm of small towns and who wrote about their ‘idyllic’ rustic lifestyle had obviously not had the dubious pleasure of growing up in one.

I’d lived that life for years as an earth pony. Travelling from town to town with my parents, setting up stalls in the frost or dew of a freezing dawn and packing them away in the stifling afternoon. All to make a pittance on the sale of cheap jewellery and geegaws. When I finally found my geomancer cutie mark I threw a party and left for Hoofington in the same week.

Hat and cape in place, I pulled together what little part of my mind was functional and opened my door. I budgeted myself an hour to buy some travelling supplies and find drinkable coffee before hitting the road.

I nearly tripped over two colts camped next to the doorstep. One was gangly and almost adolescent, the other unusually short and round.

“He’s awake! All hail the great...”

“WHAT THE, ahem, What do you want?”

“Oh! we’d like some autographs”, “yeah, autographs.” “Then we’d like to see some really awesome magic, like the kind you can’t put in your shows ‘cause everyone would, like, die.” “Have you ever seen an Ursa Major? Ya want to?” “We totally know where to get one! Honest!” The tall one, with a pair of scissors for a cutie mark was trotting on the spot in excitement, his friend nodded in time. “Yeah, you can like, fight it in the town square or something.”

I wasn’t listening to a word of it, but I saw the autograph pads and responded by reflex “OK then, here you go.”

I gave both of their pads a taste of my illegible mouthwriting and the colts sped out of the square nattering excitedly to each other. “He said yes! He said yes!” I’ve never really understood why people get so excited by collecting autographs. I’ve met some souls at the Traveller’s Guild meetings who get a kick out of it but I found the ritual tiresome. It’s not like I’m Hoofdini or somepony of that stature.

The colts had lightened my mood a bit though. The previous entry in their little book had been ‘The Great and Powerful Trixie’. It was no wonder that the Ponyvillians had bags of fruit at the ready last night. That mare was a travelling trainwreck.

I paused at the entrance to the park. It was filled to the brim with cheeful, freindly and enthusiastic ‘morning ponies’ with giant happy smiles on their faces. My headache was in remission but that could change at any moment.

I selected a nearby stall where a hurtingly cute little yellow filly sporting a huge stetson hat far too large for her head was dejectedly staring at the ground.

‘That looks like the quietest stall, and they seem to need some help.’

“Good morning Miss, may I...”

“Ya want some apples!?”, “Do ya?” Her eyes were enormous, seeming to fill her entire face. Her gaze had me trapped, unable to move.

“We’ve got Akane, Aldermans, Ashmeads, Baldwins, Belmonts, Bismarcks, Campfields, Carolina Reds, Chieftans...”

“I’ll take that bushel of Pearmains, thanks.” I know apples too. I needed a traditional variety that would keep well on the road.

Her eyes grew even larger, shimmering a little with repressed tears. “But, but I ain't done the whole list yet. Ah was up all last night learnin' them so I could help my big sis with the stall.”

A strong mare with a gold mane lifted the hat from the filly’s head with her mouth, nonchalantly tossing it into the air and catching it on her own. “That'll be fine Applebloom, ya don’t need to give the whole list to every customer, just those that can’t decide. Now you go an' get the signs from the cart, OK?”

The filly nodded. I saw that the stetson had been covering the biggest pink bow I had ever seen adorn a filly's head.

“Ah saw part of ya show last night sugarcube, from ya fancy accent and those crazy clothes I’d pick you as a big city kinda pony. Am I right?”

Without waiting for a response she leaned in, her bright green eyes gave me a knowing look from under the brim of her hat. “Just so’s you’re in the know, we don’t just sell apples here. We've also got full range of” She cast her gaze left and right and lowered her voice, “apple accessories.”

'What?'

“Thank you for the kind offer Miss”

“Applejack, sugar” She offered.

“Miss Applejack, but I haven’t tried anything like that since high school. I’m just a simple pony at heart.”

“To tell the truth, I’m a little relieved to hear that hun.” She rested a hoof on my shoulder in a way that skirted the border between familiar and threatening. "Now let me explain somethin' to ya."

“Ponyville is a small, small place sugar. A very good friend of mine lives right there in that bakery lookin’ over the square.” She waved a hoof in the direction of a giant gingerbread fantasy of a building. A pink hoof waved back from a second story window. “That’s Pinkie Pie. She knows everypony and everything that’s goin on in this town. She has a gift for it, ya hear?”

I nodded without commitment, this was not going anywhere good.

“She told me that she saw Twilight come to see ya late last night, but she didn’t see her leave. We’re very proud of our Twilight Sparkle in this here town. She has a lot of good friends here and we don’t want to see no big city ponies causing her trouble, whether it’s trouble she wants or not. Catch my drift?”

I could feel this earth ponies strength through her hoof, her intent was crystal clear. I was mentally grasping now for something innocuous to tell Applejack. Casually mentioning that I had plied her friend with enough doughnuts to knock out the Royal Guard seemed to be the wrong thing to do.

“Er.. She was just reading my books, helping me with spells." Despite the crisp morning air I was beginning to perspire.

"She made margin notes. So many notes. I can get them if you like.”

Applejack seemed satisfied by that and dropped her hoof. “That sounds like a right exciting kind of night for our Twilight. Right up her alley. Just mind yer manners is all I’m saying, then we can all be friends.”

“I’ll be sure to keep that in mind.” I would hold it foremost in my mind as I ran far, far away from this town.

“That’s good hun, now you go have a pleasant day.” She thought for a moment. “Ya know, If it doesn’t work out with Twilight you can always come back here for some apple accessories. We’ve got the best in Equestria an’ I should know.”

I knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt that everypony in this town was insane. It was time to go.