Great Expectations
To my most faithful student,
This week, I had planned a visit to speak with you, however I will have to postpone our engagement. Very soon, I will be entertaining King Jerrod of Kalta, the small Gryphon kingdom to the far east. I'm attempting to negotiate a trade agreement that not only benefits all of my subjects, but King Jerrod's subjects as well.
However, this is not the reason I'm writing you. You know as well as I do that, considering how quickly you are developing your magical abilities, as well as being my apprentice, that you are expected to become a great leader in Equestria one day. This was the matter I wished to speak with you about, and will once the negotiations are complete.
My meetings with King Jerrod will take up much of my time, so I will not be able to properly respond to your weekly reports. On breaks however, I can read them. Please give my best to your friends, and tell Spike to stay away from the re-fried enchiladas.
Good luck with your studies,
Princess Celestia
A Party in Town
Dear Princess Celestia,
It is very exciting that you are speaking with the king of Kalta! From my studies, I have heard that Kalta is an exciting place, and I hope to visit it one day. The generosity and love that you have for every being that walks in this world is inspiring to me. I do not know any other monarchs, other than you, your sister, and now King Jerrod, that would be interested in the well being of another monarch's subjects.
My current experiment is going well, though the sapphires still catch on fire when the moonbeams hit them. Perhaps I can find another way to magically cure skin acne, without running the risk of burning down the library. I am sad to say that I have not learned anything new in my week of study, other than the fact that Spike is getting tired of putting out my fires.
I am not one to normally complain, but things have been rather dull here in Ponyville. All of my friends, save Pinkie Pie (by the way, she is the one that caused the famous cotton candy explosion in Ponyville last week), all of my friends have been busy with work. Business at Pinkie Pie's place of employment, Sugarcube Corner, has been slow because the owners are still trying to clean out all of the cotton candy. So, she has had plenty of free time to spend with friends.
This weekend, I am going to a party that she is holding. Hopefully, that will break the doldrums that have currently taken hold around the library, and Ponyville in general.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
Passing the Time
Dear Princess Celestia,
I must sadly say, that this week has been another uneventful one, in relation to my research. The sapphire and moonbeam experiment has gotten out of control. My last attempt somehow managed to turn a small pile of the gems into several carp that, when touched, caused a small explosion. I had to wait until the poor things had passed on before Spike and I could handle them. No matter how much we have tried, we haven't been able to completely eliminate the smell of rancid fish from the library.
Pinkie Pie's party was really fun, but they usually are. There were games, food, mingling, and all of the normal party things. The rest of my friends were able to come, and I gave them your regards, though sadly they were not able to stay long because of previous engagements.
One interesting note, while at the party, I entered into a conversation with a pony that I am well acquainted with. When we first saw each other, we started talking. The conversation, was the same as it always was. It began with exchanging pleasantries, then went to talking about whatever came to mind. The other pony did much more talking than I did, but I enjoyed the conversation nonetheless. I told this pony about my recent boredom, and that pony invited me to a picnic next week. I thought it would be a good way to pass the time, so I accepted.
Sorry to write you such a boring letter, I hope your negotiations are going well.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
Spending Time with a New Friend
Dear Princess Celestia,
I have undertaken a new endeavor, as far as my research is concerned. I am researching the ancient magics of Starswirl the Bearded. During my readings, I have found a strange anomaly present in one of the library's tomes. I notice that he has a spell that is worded differently than it is in most texts. I will do some research to find out what difference this anomaly has on the spell.
This week, even though my friends have been working, I spent a little time helping them on the job. I helped Applejack carry apples from her barn to her apple cellar, and Fluttershy tend her animals. Although it was tiring, I enjoyed helping them both, even when Fluttershy's buzzard thought it would be fun to grab my hair, and carry me up into a tree (it's a long story).
I'll admit, that I would have preferred to engage in a more leisurely activity with these friends, but it was nice to see friendly faces again.
The picnic with the friend I mentioned in the last letter was surprisingly fun. We talked, well I say we talked. My friend did most of the talking, and I listened. I normally don't enjoy this sort of discourse, but throughout the conversation, I found that this friend had hidden depths that I never knew about. It was kind of exciting, like finding a hidden treasure that had always been there, you just didn't know how to dig it up. I scolded myself for not being more open minded toward this friend, and vowed to be so in the future.
My friend and I ate several sandwiches, and way too much pie. We stayed out a lot longer than we initially planned, and watched your sisters' stars come out. We laid down on the blanket, and my friend began to point to different constellations. My friend informed me on their opinion of what the different groups of stars looked like. Both of us snorted when my friend said that Orion looked like a lopsided party hat, and Ursa Major looked like a rearing rat.
After some time had passed, I looked at my watch and realized we had stayed out past midnight. I told my friend goodbye and we both promised to get together again. Spike was worried when I got home, but I told him everything was okay. It's surprising to admit, but I haven't had that much fun in a long time.
I will keep you informed on how my Starswirl experiment is going. I expect some positive results this time. Then again, anything is positive in comparison to exploding fish.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
A Surprising Evening
Dear Princess Celestia,
I've hit a road block with my research. The anomaly is a bit of magic that I have never encountered before, and there is not a book in my library that can help me figure out what it is. Do not fear though, I have ordered some books from other libraries to help me.
I've spent a little more time with my friends. I watched Rainbow Dash perform some very impressive aerial stunts that she feels are “super awesome” enough to impress the Wonderbolts. I am a little confused why she has not been invited to try out for the team yet. She did save three of their lives at the Young Fliers Competition, while performing the legendary Sonic Rainboom. My guess, is that she might be just a little too young, and they are waiting to see how she develops before they invite her to try out.
I also took some time to model dresses for Rarity. I don't openly admit it, but I enjoy modeling for her. Her dresses and saddles are really pretty, and I love how pretty they make me look and feel, even if the modeling process can be tedious at times.
I spent some more time with the friend that I went on the picnic with. We had lunch together twice, and today this friend stopped by to help me sort books. This friend wasn't very good at it sadly, so I had to do most of it myself. However, it was really nice to have some company. This friend had picked up some of the best tarts I have ever had in my life at Sugarcube Corner, so we had those while I worked.
Today, friend helped me with my book sorting, we both went out for an evening walk. The weather was pleasnt, and the stars were out. We talked, though this time our conversation was not as one sided as before. This surprised me, because I have always figured this friend was always a major chatterbox. We went out close to the Everfree Forest, and watched the lightning bugs.
I was surprised when this friend brought out some small cakes, even though this friend did not have on a saddle bag. It is not the first time that I have seen this friend procure something from thin air, but each time is as amazing as the last. We both ate in silence, and watched the bugs, occasionally commenting when we saw them make a shape.
It was a very relaxing evening. I just got home from that event, and am now writing this letter to you. I wonder how well the negotiations are going. I hope you are finding King Jerrod great company. I miss getting your replies, and I look forward to your response to my letters.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
The Italian Stallion
Dear Princess Celestia,
I have had success in deducing some of the mystery surrounding the anomaly! It turns out, that the difference in this spell, in relation to the ones that are used in modern day magic, is that this spell is connected to an older form of magic on which I will need to conduct more research.
My other friends are still busy. Rarity is trying to fill a huge order, Applejack is preparing to go to Fillydelphia to an apple convention, Fluttershy is trying to take care of all her sick animals, and Rainbow Dash is still practicing her “sweet moves.”
I spent more time with the friend that I have been mentioning my letters. This week, we went out to eat at a restaurant I have never tried, called The Italian Stallion. They were fairly full, so the maitre D' turned us away. After this, my friend started talking to the maitre D' about the red and white checked tablecloths. At first I had no idea why this conversation was started. My friend just started rattling away, like my friend normally does. The conversation started at tablecloths, then to the room decor, then the maitre D's tie, then my friend's own recipe for home made candied lasagna (you don't want to know), to some things I am not sure I even understood. My friend went on and on until finally, the poor green earth pony maitre D', begged my friend to be quiet, in exchange for a table for two.
I realized what had happened, and died laughing. Dinner was wonderful, and my friend was surprisingly charming. We talked about, of all things, magic. My friend is an earth pony, but they were genuinely interested in trying to understand the things I was studying. This was also surprising, given my friend's um...apparent intellectual disposition toward the subject. It would not surprise me in the least if this friend brought up magic so that we could discuss a topic that I am comfortable with. That is one wonderful thing about this friend.
I explained the theory behind my current experiment as simply as I could, but I don't think I really got it across. That was okay though, this friend smiled, nodded, and listened, which is all that mattered to me. For the first time in my life, I didn't feel completely awkward talking to someone, other than you, about my advanced studies.
We went out for another one of our walks, a nice, comfortable breeze was blowing as we slowly moved along, looking up at the stars. My friend's manor was subdued, opposite of the bubbly, bouncy pony that I normally see. We went over to the lake, and watched the fireflies flickering over it. We started pointing out shapes that they made.
My friend thought it was funny when I said I saw an ellipse. That friend looked at me and said, “I don't see any lips, that does look like an oval though.” It took me a minute to explain that they were the same thing.
Watching the fireflies reminded me of a song that you used to sing to me when I was first brought under your care, “Buzz Little Firefly.” Do you remember that song? I used to always want you to sing that to me before you put me to sleep. Well, I don't know how it was brought up, but I mentioned it. My friend became excited after I mentioned the name she became excited, and asked me if I knew the song. I said I did, and this friend started to sing it. Together, we sang the song as we watched the fireflies over the glistening, moonlit waters. My friend admitted that my friend's grandmother used to sing that song when she was putting my friend to sleep.
When we made it back to town, we stopped by Sugarcube Corner. I asked the Cakes if Pinkie was home, but she was not. My friend and I purchased two chocolate eclairs and some hot chocolate and slowly ate in the soft silence. Once we finished, I departed for the library, while my friend ordered another hot chocolate.
Day after tomorrow is when we are getting together again. Before and after that, I am going to totally devote myself to uncovering the mystery of the anomaly I mentioned earlier.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
Reading
Dear Princess Celestia,
I have had difficulty in moving on with my research. It has been hard for me to focus on my work, as my mind has been clouded by other things. I apologize for this, and will get more serious about my work.
I, sadly, have nothing else to report on the magic of friendship either. I am not aware of what Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, or Fluttershy are up to at this moment, as I have not seen them in the past two weeks. Oh, I am not aware what Pinkie Pie is doing either.
I do feel bad when I say that I have spent more time with the friend from that party than I have with the others. We attended a techno concert (I am informed that they are colloquially known as "raves"), featuring the disc jockey “Vinyl Scratch.” I will not say that this was my first choice when it comes to music (as I'm sure you know, I enjoy classical music more than any other), but I happily went for this friend. This friend particularly loves dance music, as they like to dance. I admit that while I had a hard time getting used to the music, I did have fun. I even tried my hooves at dancing seriously, but that quickly devolved into me just moving around the dance floor, trying not to look too silly.
We have gone out to eat a few more times, went for more walks, went fishing once, and even baked some cookies a couple of times. As I recall all of the things I have done with this friend of mine, I feel terrible. I promise you, that I will go talk to my other friends tomorrow.
I would do it tonight, but I promised this friend of mine that we would have dinner at my place. The friend talked me into reading with them. It is a fiction novel, but it's not a very long one. In fact, if I didn't know any better, I would think it is a child's book. Child's books are not my favorite, but since it is not too long, I can suffer through it. After that, hopefully I can do some research.
I hope things are going well with you princess.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
A New Discovery
Dear Princess Celestia,
I know it has not been a week, in fact, as you know, it has only been a few hours. First, I want to apologize to you, because I haven't been entirely straightforward with you in my last few letters. In fact, in some instances, I lied. You have every right to be angry with me, and I will accept any punishment that you wish to lay upon me.
You probably wonder why I lied, and what I lied about. In fact, I wonder why I lied to you. When I think back to what I wrote, I realize that I am a terrible liar. At the party that I attended five weeks ago, I entered into a conversation with “a friend” that I knew. I am very sorry to have been so vague. First, I'll reveal the identity of this “friend.” It's Pinkie Pie. You are probably wondering why I have taken pains to hide both her identity and gender. It is going to sound stupid to you, very stupid, but it was at that party I realized I had feelings for Pinkie.
To be honest, I think I may have had these feelings for some time, they just didn't hit me full force until I spoke with her at the party. Please forgive me for sharing my personal feelings in this letter Princess, I am in dire need of someone to confess this to, and I know nopony else that I am able to do so with. That is one reason I have not been seeing my friends, I have been avoiding them because I don't know how to tell them about...me.
I hope that you are not disappointed or mad at me. I can understand if you are. Your most loyal student has turned out to be a “fillyfooler.” I greatly despise that term, but it is the only word that is coming to mind at this time. I'm so scared. I have read about other mares that have discovered these kinds of feelings, but I never thought that it would happen to me. I hope you don't hate me.
I am not quite sure what really brought these feelings to the fore. Maybe it's the fact that my life has felt listless and empty recently, the fact that I was in need of someone to talk to, the atmosphere of the party, or what. But as I listened to Pinkie Pie rabidly talk about whatever random thoughts came to her mind (if you can remember how hyperactive she was at the party held at Sugarcube Corner when you came for a visit one time, then you can probably imagine how her mind wanders in a conversation), I started feeling some kind of weird connection to her.
It was strange. I never felt anything like it before. It felt like my stomach was warm, and lightning was dancing through my body. I was watching her talk and bounce with such energy. She felt alive and happy, the exact thing that I didn't at that moment. I guess something just clicked. At the party, I said “this friend” (Pinkie) invited me to a picnic. Well, that wasn't entirely true, I invited her.
Pinkie and I have gone out countless times to eat, on walks, watching fireflies, fishing, or doing anything, just to have an excuse to go out together. I have found that over the past few weeks, I enjoy spending time with her in a different way than I do my other friends. I liked the warm, floating feeling I got (and still get) when I was with her, and I wanted more of it. So, I spent as much time with her as I could, and ended up neglecting my other friends. For this, I feel sorry, and plan to rectify this course of action as soon as I can.
I felt it was time to finally confess to you what was going on, because tonight, after my candlelight dinner with Pinkie, and after I finished reading her a child's bedtime story (The Toothless Little Gator), I confessed how she made me feel to her. She said that she felt the same way too.
I asked her why, and she said that she didn't know an exact reason. She just said that life was random and crazy, and around me she felt constant, secure, and safe. She said I was like “a really strong, smarty pants rock” that she could hold on to in life's storms. I never knew Pinkie would say something like that. As I have said, of all the ponies I have known in Ponyville, she has been the one to surprise me the most with hidden depth.
It may sound strange, but for one of the first times in my life, when she said that to me, I felt my heart blossom. I felt like a missing piece of me was just put into place. I never knew that I was missing anything until she said that. Maybe that doesn't make sense. Maybe I am just imagining all of this, but at the time she said it, and even now, I still feel more complete than I was before today.
I've completely fallen for another mare. Of all the ponies that I could have by my side right now, including all of the handsome stallions in this fair world, I want her. Right now, maybe because I am in the afterglow of tonight's events, I feel like I need her.
But, that presents a problem. As you said in your letter to me, I am expected to become an important figure in Equestria. As I am sure you know, it is highly frowned upon for mares in high ranking position to...prefer the company of other mares. I know that it has happened in the past, but those that held a high positions and were, “found out,” faced grave ridicule and were forced to give up their posts. They not only lost their positions of power, but they were also ostracized by Equestria, and sometimes even lost their loves.
I have a lot of thinking to do. I need to figure out what I want to do with my life. I need to think about what is important to me. These past few weeks have let me see that there is a different side of life that I never knew existed. I need to contemplate it, and see how it fits into the big picture.
I am very sorry for deceiving you Princess Celestia. I did so because of what you might think of me. I thought about keeping up this facade a bit longer, but of all the ponies I know, you are the only one I can't stand to lie to.
I need to sleep, I'm so tired. I hope you don't hate me.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
Indecision
Dear Princess Celestia,
I have been thinking over the past three days, and I can't seem to come to any conclusions. There is a storm raging in my mind. Everything seems so dark. All of my friends are worried, especially Spike. He keeps trying to do whatever he can to make me feel better, but he can't. Nothing has been able to make me smile recently. Thinking of Pinkie, or even her presence, can't even bring a smile to my face. Thoughts of her are often followed by thoughts of not having her anymore, which hurts all the more.
Pinkie has been over every day since I last wrote to you. We have spent time together talking, reading, having some of her signature pastries, candies, and shakes. She tries her crazy antics to make me smile, but they don't work.
Nobody knows about Pinkie and I, except you, and possibly Spike. It hurts so much. Everything inside of me is being torn apart. I want to tell my friends. I want to stand up on a cliff, and scream out to the whole world how much Pinkie makes me smile. I want to walk outside with Pinkie, hooves touching, her head on my shoulder, or mine on hers, proudly displaying our greatest treasure, each other, for all to see.
I want ponies who disapprove to look upon us with disgust. I want to be called a fillyfooler. I want all of their insults and hatred to rain down on me! I want it because when I am next to Pinkie, all of those insults melt away.
It's really kind of funny Princess. A little more than a year ago, even though Pinkie was my friend, I only wanted to take her in small doses. After a while, she tended to get on my nerves. Now, I can't get enough of her. She's the salve that soothes my aching heart. She is the illumination that lights the dark, even if that illumination is pink, light blue, or some other exciting party color.
I'm lost, and I need your guidance more than ever. I have contemplated writing a letter to my parents, but I don't think that would be a wise thing to do, at least not yet. I want to come to a final decision before I say anything to them.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
Sacrifice for My Country
Dear Princess Celestia,
I would like to apologize for the massive influx of letters I have been sending to you. But after two more days of thinking, I have come to some conclusions.
I have faced the fact that I am in love with another mare, and have come to accept that I may prefer the company of mares over stallions. This is not something I am completely sure about yet, and honestly, at this moment, it isn't something I want to explore. I have other important things on my mind.
My last conclusion is that I cannot be with Pinkie. I love her more than anything, and the last few days have made me see that. But my personal feelings, my wants and desires, come in second to the needs of Equestria. I love the ponies of this land, and if it is my destiny to be a leader, I will need to be the best leader I can be, even if that means I must repress part of myself.
It feels like there is a huge boulder in my chest, crushing my heart and lungs. I'm hungry, but I don't want to eat. If I did, I am afraid I would throw it up.
This isn't going to be easy for me to say to Pinkie, I'll have to force the words out. I'll have to explain as best I can. I hope she will be able to understand. I hope I will be able to understand.
I hope you are feeling well Princess. Your self sacrifice for the good of your subjects is really inspiring to me.
Your faithful and loyal student,
Twilight Sparkle
A Shattered Heart
Dear Princess Celestia,
I told Pinkie. We had gone out for another one of our evening walks. She was gorgeous in Luna's moonlight. She wore a dress that she had Rarity make for her. It held an exciting array of red, blues, and greens. I asked her why she had it made, and she said she wanted to look “super duper extra wonderfully special.” I felt bad, just wearing the plain old yellow dress I had on.
We stopped underneath a big tree and laid down, staring up at the stars. Pinkie looked at me with her sparkling blue eyes and told me that this was the happiest she had ever been in her life. She said she was even happier than the time she had thrown the first party for her family.
She told me that I was like a party that never ended, a beautiful party with dark indigo, pink, and purple streamers. She said my smile was a great big welcoming banner that made her want to come to my party and “never, ever, never want to leave in a billion, zillion years.”
Her display of affections were so weird, but I felt the passion in her soft voice. I looked into her eyes and started to cry. Why did I cry? I never cry! I only cried once since I have been in Ponyville, and that was when I thought my friends had left me during the Discord incident. I cried and she held me. She rocked me and started to sing. That didn't make me feel better, it only cut into me more.
I got her cottony mane all wet, but she didn't care. The only thing she seemed to care about was me. Somehow, I was able to stop crying. After I dried my eyes she held me at arm's length, and looked at me. Her bright blue eyes looked like a brilliant universe full of gleaming stars. She frowned and asked me what was wrong, and I asked her how she felt about being with another mare.
She told me, “Love doesn't care, because I love you, and you're a mare. So if love doesn't care that you're a mare, why should I?”
She asked me if I had a problem with it, and I said no, but everyone else would. Pinkie smiled, and and said not to worry about what they thought. She said that my life would be a lot happier if I just worried about being happy, and if I did that, the world around me would end up being happier, too. Pinkie said it worked for her, and from what I saw, it did. She has a special magic that I will never have, a magic that snared my heart.
I was finally able to pull myself together long enough to tell her that while I loved her more than anything, we couldn't be together. He eyes went wide and her face fell. My heart shattered into a million pieces. She asked me why, and I told her because I was expected to, one day, become a leader in Equestria. Because of this, it would be socially unacceptable for me to be with a mare..
Tears streamed down her face. My heart felt like it stopped beating. Ice slithered through my veins. My muscles felt heavy. I couldn't see anything but her sad eyes. I saw her heart break. I told her I was sorry. I wanted to explain, but she instantly got up and galloped away. I tried to catch her, but she ran too fast. She made it to Sugarcube Corner before I could catch her. I came back home.
I ran upstairs to my bed and burred my face in my pillow. I told Spike to stay away, but he didn't listen. He came up to my bed and tried to give me a hug, but I just screamed at him. I told him to go away, then I ran into the bathroom and locked the door. I saw my face in the mirror, but I couldn't stand to look at the disheveled, red eyed monster that was looking back at me. I punched it, which only sent a shower of blood and glass everywhere. Spike heard me scream and started banging on the door.
I unlocked it, and he came in. He saw the bloody mess that was my left hoof, and retrieved the first aid kit. Thankfully, I taught him how to handle wounds. I cried while he dressed the hoof. For a moment, I fantasized about bleeding to death, not having to feel the pain that was drilling itself into my heart.
Spike held me while I cried. I felt a little better, but all of my muscles still felt like lead.
I'm sorry princess, but it's hard for me to keep writing. All of the words are getting blurry, I hope this letter isn't too wet to read.
I promise my next letter will be much more appropriate, I'm sorry to burden you with all of my problems.
Your faithful and loyal student,
Twilight Sparkle
It's so Dark
Dear Princess Celestia,
I'm hurt. I don't know what to do. The world is so dark. I'm scared.
I admitted my feelings about Pinkie to Spike, and he said he knew. He asked me why I was acting like I was, I admitted everything. He wrapped his arms around my neck and hugged me tight. I asked him what I should do, and he said that I should do what makes me happy. I told him that I had a duty to Equestria, and doing the will of my Princess is what I wanted. He didn't believe me, and I don't know if I believe me.
Talking to Spike made me feel better, but I still need someone else to talk to. Maybe one of my friends will talk to me. I fear if Pinkie has told one of our friends about us, they may be put off by the fact that I like mares, or they might think I'm some kind of wicked beast for what I said to Pinkie. I feel like a monster. I hate me.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
That Special Feeling
Dear Princess Celestia,
It has been less than a day since I sent my last letter, but I wanted to send you a message. When I went out on the town today, I was approached by Mr. Cake, the owner of Sugarcube Corner. He said that Pinkie had locked herself in her room and wasn't coming out. They had asked her other friends if they knew what was wrong, and they couldn't tell him, so he wanted to ask me.
I guess he saw the guilt on my face, so he knew it somehow involved me. He asked me what happened more directly, and I said I couldn't talk about it. He told me that it was very important to him and he had to know. He couldn't stand to see Pinkie in pain, and I said I couldn't either. He asked me yet again, but I didn't say anything. I tried to run away. He ended up catching me, and demanded to know what happened. There was no one else around, and I felt of all of the people that knew Pinkie, Mr. and Mrs. Cake deserved an explanation, so I explained everything to him.
I told him I was a monster, I told him I was terrible, I told him he didn't have to speak to me again. I told him he could tell Pinkie that. I told him I didn't know what to do. He just stood there listening. When I finished speaking, he told me that I should have been more responsible, and that if things were expected of me, I shouldn't have shown my feelings for Pinkie if I knew that I would hurt her.
I told him I didn't do it on purpose, and I said that she made me feel magical. He said that it didn't matter, and that I should have considered how she would feel about the whole ordeal. He then said he never knew I was selfish, and then just walked off. I was crushed. My insides felt like acid. I couldn't move.
I went to get a treat for Spike at the Sugarcube Corner. The Cakes filled my order, then told me that I should probably do my shopping somewhere else from now on. They didn't say anything else.
Rainbow Dash caught up with me, and asked me about what was going on with Pinkie. I instantly confessed what happened between Pinkie and I, every single detail. Then I said she could tell our close friends, but only our close friends, and that if she didn't want to talk to me again, she didn't have to.
When I finished, she just gave me a hug. She said things happen, and she would never stop talking to me. She said that I couldn't help it if I was expected to be a leader, and that I needed to do what I had to do. Rainbow Dash said that she would get all of our friends to come over to the library and talk to me, and that would make me feel better.
They will be coming over tomorrow. I expect everyone save Pinkie will be here. I hope things go well, I hope everyone is as supportive as Rainbow Dash was.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
The Missing Piece
Dear Princess Celestia,
The meeting happened. As I had hoped, everyone was supportive about my preference for mares. I did get disapproving glances from my friends about the events that happened between me and Pinkie, until I explained everything. Everyone was there, except for Pinkie Pie. I miss her.
I thanked them for coming, and we caught up some. After an hour however, I told them I wanted to be alone. They respected my wishes, and I promised that we would talk later.
I'm falling apart, I feel incomplete. The funny thing is, that the only piece of myself I feel is missing is a bubbly, bouncing pink mare. I guess Pinkie was a bigger part of me than I thought.
My heart pines for her. I am sorry for sounding like a whining, complaining romantic, but this is the hardest thing that I have ever gone through. I never thought separating myself from a pony I loved, for the greater good, would be so painful.
I had everyone here today, and I still felt alone. I need Pinkie. Princess Celestia, I am in dire need of your wisdom. I hope your negotiations end soon so we can talk.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
Realization
Dear Princess Celestia,
I am dictating this letter to Spike in a hospital room. Things went kind of badly for me when my friends left. After they were gone, I started to think about Pinkie. I cried again, and locked myself in the bathroom. I started to feel sick. I started shaking, and I felt cold. I huddled in the corner, the world was shaking and spinning. Before I knew it, the everything went black.
When I woke up, I was in this hospital room. Spike told me he found me passed out in the bathroom. He said that he hadn't heard a sound for about an hour, so he ended up busting the door off of its hinges to get to me. He immediately rushed off to get help. Luckily, he ran into Rainbow Dash who carried me to the hospital.
I was told by the doctors that I suffered a nervous breakdown, but nothing else is wrong. They want to keep me here tonight, but I will be free to go tomorrow. But the thing is, the doctors were not correct in their diagnosis. There is something wrong with me. My heart is sick, and it won't heal if I continue to do this to myself.
Princess Celestia, as I lay here in this bed, looking at the pained worry on Spike's face, the hurt in the eyes of my number one helper, my best friend, and my little brother, I realize that my decision not to be with Pinkie, not to accept this part of myself, is not for the better good. I have hurt him, I may have hurt the friends that I made in Ponyville, and I hurt the pony I love, just to be accepted one day as a leader, by ponies I don't even know. I was foolish.
I know that I am expected to be a great leader, I know that I have the potential to be a shining light in Equestria, but I can't be that light if I become mentally unhinged pretending to be something I am not. That isn't me, and it never was. I think you, of all ponies, understand.
That is why I wish to express the desire to not be a leader. Your subjects deserve a better leader than someone who is constantly distraught with mental problems. I am more than happy to continue my magical research, from the shadows if need be. I was never a pony to care for fame or power, and that is something you know as well.
If me embracing this part of who I am, being comfortable expressing love to other mares, causes you to relieve me of my duties as your personal assistant, I will accept that decision.
Please don't think I am doing this just to get Pinkie Pie back, I am sure that I will only be able to fantasize about holding her again. I am accepting of this fate because, if I can't be who I am, then no matter what I do in life, I'm nothing.
I hope that you decide to keep me on as your protege. Because, I hope you don't feel too shocked or put off when I say this, but you are like another mother to me. I have been so afraid to tell you this up to now, because I did not know how you would react. However, now I realize, more than ever, that I not only need to be honest with myself, but I need to be honest with everyone else around me. So, I wanted to be honest with you. I want to make you proud of me, that is why I fret so much, and why I want to please you. Along with my real parents, you are the only other pony in my life that I really want to be proud of me.
I hope things are going well in Canterlot Princess Celestia, and I hope you aren't angry with me for writing this letter. Thank you for everything you have done for me in the past. Without your guidance, I would be nowhere near the mare I am today. I love you.
Thank you so much.
With much love,
Twilight Sparkle
The Princess Responds
My Dearest Student,
I am writing you here from the castle, but I will soon be on my way to the hospital. I implored King Jarred for the last few days to allow me to take a break from the negotiations, so that I could see you. At first he refused, saying that the needs of our subjects was more important than my apprentice. However, he noticed the affect your letters were having on me, and finally relented, allowing me to take time off so I could see you.
I can't begin to express how much it has torn at my heart to read the last few letters you have sent me. To think that my last letter to you made you think that you had to choose between someone you love, and becoming a leader in this country, has made me feel completely dreadful.
When I read your first few letters, I knew you were falling in love. I was also able to guess who you had fallen for. You are right, dear Twilight, you are terrible at lying and concealing information. It warmed my heart when I read those first few letters, and I chuckled to myself when I realized who you were dating.
I must admit, I had difficulty seeing you together at first. I wondered if your patience could hold up to the strain of dating a rambunctious pink pony. Your personalities don't seem like they would mesh well. I guess there must be some merit to that old saying, “opposites attract.”
But, none of that matters. I was so happy that you found a special person that made you happy. I don't honestly care who it is that makes you happy, whether it be stallion or mare, as long as they make you smile, and treat you like you deserve to be treated. You shouldn't care either. Pinkie said it best, if love doesn't care, you shouldn't either.
As I said, it broke my heart when you chose your future as a leader over your love for Pinkie Pie, and it hurts all the more when I think you may have done it just please me, even though you say you did it for Equestria. You should have followed the advice Pinkie gave you, “don't worry about what they think,” me included. I said that I don't care who you love, of course, but if I did, you shouldn't let that deter you from love. Love is very important, as is your happiness, and they are two things that you need to strive for, no matter what.
I am happy that you accepted yourself for who you are. In the end, you made the right decision. I know that it may have potentially cost you the love of your life, but sometimes, it takes strong events like that for us to see the errors of our ways.
As far as me releasing you as my apprentice, I would never even think of doing something like that. The only reasons that I would release you as my protege is if you wanted to be, or heavens forbid, you passed away.
If you still have ambition to be a leader, then we can discuss some courses of action that you can take, but if not, then it is not worth worrying about. As far as your studies go, I don't see how who you date will have any effect on that. I can understand you neglecting, or having trouble concentrating on, your studies over the past few weeks however, taking into consideration what has been going on.
Twilight Sparkle, you are a very special pony to me. I love you too, and it makes me very happy to have had such a strong impact on your life. I would never be angry with you for expressing your feelings, especially since I feel as if you were my own daughter.
We will talk more when I get there. Before I do, if Pinkie is around, try and speak with her. I am not sure that she will completely forgive you, but perhaps you two could become friends again. It would pain me to see you lose a friendship with such a nice and happy pony. I have an idea that might help patch things up between you both.
Try to relax until I get there, I should arrive in a few hours.
With love,
Princess Celestia
New Roads
Dear Princess Celestia,
There are no words in our language that can express the gratitude and joy I felt when you came for a visit. Our conversation put me at ease, and for the first night in a long time, I was able to sleep soundly.
It hurt so much to see the shocked look on your face when you saw me, bedraggled, bleary eyed, with patches of fur missing.
I read your letter just before you came, and I felt some warmth flood back into my body. Thank you for gathering Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Applejack so that I could talk to them. I know all we did was just chat, but it made me so happy to just have a conversation with all of them again. They were all smiles, and acted as if nothing was different. In their eyes, I don't think anything was different. As the late night dragged on into early morning, I could feel all of the anguish of the past melt away, slowly, becoming an echo of what it once was.
When you brought up my future as a leader of this country, I greatly appreciate you allowing me to take more time to make that decision. As of now, I do not feel that I know enough about myself to make that decision yet.
After you took your leave, everyone said goodnight and I slept. The one problem that plagued me came back to haunt me in my dreams. Pinkie. In my dreams, I saw her. Her hair and tail were perfectly straight, not puffy, bouncy, and happy like they usually are. She was huddled in a corner, crying, as a spotlight washed over her.
In my dream, I tried to walk over and comfort her, but she just looked up at me with fierce red eyes. She told me she didn't want to see me again, then her body became liquid and slowly melted into the floor, becoming a pink puddle. I woke up with a scream that caused nurse Redheart to burst into my room, and ask if I was alright. I said I was and then went back to sleep. Thankfully, they let me stay at the hospital an extra day so I could get some more sleep. Honestly though, I think they just wanted to watch over me and make absolutely sure I was fine.
When I was released from the hospital, I immediately did what you told me to do. I wrote a letter to Pinkie, begging her for forgiveness, and asked if she would consider being my friend again. I told her I still cared so much about her, even if she didn't care about me. I told her I badly wanted to see her again. I gave Spike the letter, and that night, he went to Sugarcube Corner and delivered the letter.
It had not been long after Spike returned that there was a knock on my door. I opened it and saw Pinkie, with a long face and a mane that hung limply on her shoulders. There were heavy bags under her eyes and large dark circles around her pupils. She looked like she had gotten as much sleep as I had. A long, silent moment passed between us. We both looked at each other. I don't think either of us knew what to say. Finally, I asked her if she would like to come in, and she slowly came inside and sat down.
The way she looked at me with those quivering eyes made my heart shatter again. I tried to say something but words couldn't come out. I wanted to hold her, but my hooves felt really heavy. We looked at each other for what seemed like an eternity. I saw Spike slink out of the library and close the door.
Pinkie finally spoke, “You hurt me so bad Twilight.” Her words felt like they were slicing up my gut. By the stars Celestia, I have never felt so bad in that moment, than I have in my entire life. I even felt worse than I did when I stole those cookies from your room that one time when I was seven.
She said that I thought our love meant nothing in comparison to knowledge and power. Pinkie said that if I would prefer to follow through with that course of action, it would be very hard for her to, but that over time she would be able to forgive me.
I told her that wasn't true, and that the love between her and I was the most important thing to me. As you predicted, she didn't believe me. So, I did what you told me to do next, and showed her all of the letters I wrote you.
She read them all, every single one of them. She smiled, she laughed, she giggled, and during many parts, she cried. When she was done with all of them, she looked at me and said, “You were willing to leave your post as the princess' assistant?”
I nodded, closing my eyes and lowering my head. Before I knew it, I had been toppled to the floor. My head stung where it connected with the hard wood. I looked up and saw that Pinkie had tackled me, holding me closely, crying into my shoulder. She told me that even though she was a little hurt, she still loved me. I fought to keep back my tears. I lost. I told her I loved her too, and that it would be impossible for me to stop.
Our story ended like one of those bad romance novels I enjoy (and I know you do too, no matter what you say). We kissed. I have heard stories about some pegasi getting shocked by lightning, but none of the stories were as intense as the bounding electricity that exploded down my spine.
The rest of our evening passed very pleasantly. Even though it has only been one day since I've gotten back together with Pinkie, I feel closer to her now than I ever have. Princess, I feel so alive, more alive than magic has ever made me feel. Now that I have Pinkie, I feel that I have everything. Please don't think that means that I don't need you, or anyone else. I just mean that I finally feel complete. It still amazes me, I didn't know how much I needed this kind of love until I found it. Pinkie's love for me makes me want to explore horizons that I have never traversed before, however her and I are going to take things slowly. I am going to live one day at a time, taking time to enjoy life.
I'm kind of scared, too. I'm with another mare, and there are some people who don't approve of that. I will stand tall against those ponies, and protect Pinkie from whatever slings and arrows they throw our way (actually, I think it may end up being her that protects me, Pinkie can be very aggressive).
I'll still hold my head high though, and keep living as I always have. I feel stronger with Pinkie, fuller, and more alive than ever. I look forward to everything life brings my way.
Pinkie and I have both packed, and we are ready to board the chariot you sent for us. We both want to thank you for the all expense paid, week long vacation in Canterlot. We are both sure to have a lot of fun. I have a feeling we will be spending a lot of time in the amazing bakeries and candy shops that I grew up with as a filly.
Thank you so much Princess. You have guided me safely through another storm. I promise to stop by the castle during our stay in Canterlot. I feel so sorry for the guards that will be present during our visit, I hope they will be able to stand a hyper Pinkie Pie.
Oh, and also, Pinkie requests that when we visit, you ready a jester outfit for her so she can perform a skit for you. I am aware this is a strange request, but as I recommend with all things Pinkie Pie, it's usually safer to just go with it and let her have what she wants.
With much love,
Twilight Sparkle
THE END
My heart never beat before
I felt your breath of life
Before I made you cry
I never knew true strife
Music in your gentle voice
makes the whole world sing
Your vibrant, happy smile
turns winter into spring
Without your radiant light
I felt I would always be lost
My whole body went cold
My heart turned to frost
When you came back
I felt sheltered from the snow
I will embrace your loving warmth
and never, ever let it go
Author's Note: This story is dedicated to a friend of mine that recently found out she was a lesbian. I really hope that she likes it, and I hope that it might help someone else through a difficult time of discovery.
Please excuse the poem. The urge to add it just hit me so I tacked it on at the end, if it's really bad let me know and I can take it out.
I wanted to write a more traditional story, and it might have turned out to be a little bit better if I had, but I am always a person that likes to try new things. This story is partially inspired by a book I read as a kid called "Dear Mr. Henshaw." In that novel, the story is told through letters the protagonist writes to his favorite author. Any criticism is appreciated, but in any case, I hope that you enjoyed the story
