A new kind of milking

My dreams were filled with nothing, but that’s the way I liked it. Black and empty, so I could relax while I had the chance but I knew it would soon be over.

My mind was soon filled with the annoying beeping from my alarm clock. I let out a long and irritated groan as I looked over to the alarm clock that was signalling me to get up. It was 4:30am, time to start getting the cows ready for milking again.

I was twenty six years old, 6’4”, my skin was a light tan of white and I lived on the outskirts of a town in northern Ontario. That wasn’t so bad but getting up at four thirty in the morning to milk cows wasn’t exactly something I’d want to do my entire life, especially in the middle of winter.

The alarm clock continued to go off. “Alright fuck… I’m up… I’m up” I yelled at the alarm clock, almost hoping it would hear my anger and frustration then turn off. Unfortunately the alarm clock kept blaring out that annoying beeping sound. ‘Why the hell couldn’t I have bought an alarm clock that plays the radio?’ I thought to myself.

I gripped the pillow behind my head and squeezed it tightly against my ears in a desperate hope that it would block out the noise. As the annoying beeping continued I became rather agitated and furious. That may be due to the large amount of alcohol I had consumed last night before going to bed, some of which was probably still lingering around somewhere in my house.

‘I’ll have to have a quick drink before I start’ I thought to myself but my thoughts were interrupted by my alarm clock which was still bugging the hell out of me. I grabbed an empty beer bottle that was lying beside my bed and threw it at the alarm clock like a baseball as I yelled “Fuck you”.

The bottle smashed against the alarm clock and silenced it. ‘Thank god… actually thank Budweiser’ I thought to myself then chuckled from the thought. I let out a deep and irritated sigh as I sat up but leaned my body against the wall behind my bed for support.

“Well… I guess it’s time for work… god I hate Mondays” I muttered to myself as I lazed out of bed. I stumbled over towards my dresser but suddenly I felt a sharp pain in my foot. “Gah! Fuck” I swore then raised my foot up to inspect it but in the darkness I couldn’t exactly see what was wrong.

I let out a flustered sigh then flicked the light on before inspecting my foot again. There was a medium sized shard of glass stuck in my foot, probably from the broken beer bottle I just threw.

I pulled the shard of glass out of my foot with a small wince of pain. “Yeah… definitely hate Mondays” I muttered then tossed on some clothes from a pile of laundry. It smelled bad and was probably dirty laundry but at the moment I didn’t really care.

I slowly walked down the stairs of my house and into the kitchen where I proceeded to open the fridge to inspect it. There was only a bottle of Crown Royal that was almost empty and a tall can of Old Milwaukee. ‘Why the hell is that even in my fridge? Milwaukee tastes like cat piss no matter what temperature it’s at’ I thought to myself and pulled out the can of Milwaukee.

I sighed to myself as I cracked open the can and began to chug back the tall-boy of Milwaukee. ‘This morning… I could care less about cat piss’ I thought to myself. I soon depleted the entire can and crushed the can by placing each end in one of my palms then crushing the ends together, shrinking the size of waste produced.

I tossed the crushed can into the garbage but the little voice in my head began to beak-off. ‘Hey… John, don’t be wasteful. Remember to recycle’ the voice ordered me. “And jusst who the hell do you think you are? Telling me what to do” I said with a slight slur in my voice.

‘John it’s me, your conscious. Now pick up that can and put it in the recycling’ the voice ordered me. “Oh yeah… how bout fuck you conscious. I’m having another beer” I muttered then stumbled back over to the fridge but I soon remembered that all I had left was about 200ml of Crown left.

I grabbed the bottle and observed it closely. ‘John, that stuff tastes awful by itself and you know as well as I do that it’s not good for you’ the voice in my head told me. “Yeah but it shuts you up” I said then uncapped the bottle and slammed back the remainder of Crown. Usually I didn’t drink all that much, once every two or three months, but when I did I usually drank excessively.

Within moments the bottle was empty but I now had a heavy sway in my stance. I balanced myself then staggered over to the counter and pulled out a package of chewing gum. I quickly unwrapped five pieces and began to chew them all.

The gum had a nice minty taste to it that quickly got rid of the smell and taste from the Crown Royal. “Ha-ha… conscious 0… me two… or is it three?” I slurred. I slipped on a work coat and my work boots then stumbled out of the house, making sure to close the door behind me to keep it warm inside for when I came back for breakfast.

I mumbled a song as I staggered through the yard towards the dairy barn. The snow was a foot and a half deep and the winds outside were blowing quite terribly. This was the worst part about winter, or well winter mornings, when you have to milk cows. It’s dark, it’s cold and above all else you just want to go back to bed.

I entered the barn parlour and flicked on the light, the sudden brightness blinded my eyes temporarily as they adjusted to the light. I could feel a terrible migraine coming on. I flipped through some note books to see what I needed to do today. I mumbled and cursed to myself as I remembered that I had left quite a few things to do from yesterday.

I sighed then walked over to the milk house. I began to get the milking cups ready and ran the sanitizer. I leaned back against the cooler and rubbed my eyes. “I really need to…ohh fuck I forget already” I mumbled to myself.

After a few minutes the sanitizer finished its process. I began to unlatch the milking hoses when suddenly a gust of cold wind began to blow against me. It sent shivers down my entire body. “Shit… close the door” I yelled, thinking that someone had opened the outside door but soon found that the source of the wind was some freaky looking portal thing.

“Okay… conscious what do I do?” I asked myself but then remembered I silenced my conscious with the bottle of Crown. “Hmm… okay John… If I were my conscious what would I do?” I asked myself drunkenly. In my best little squeaky and annoying voice I replied to my own question.

“John don’t go towards the light” I told myself. I smirked as I thought about what it would sound like if my conscious said it. “Yeah… well I like pretty purple light” I muttered then stumbled towards the purple portal. I should’ve been watching my steps because I ended up tripping over my own feet and falling into the purple portal.

* * *

I awoke somewhat peacefully as a warm breeze blew up against me. I still had my clothes on but I could feel a piece of trash blowing up against my side. I groaned but then realized that I didn’t have a hangover.

“Man… that was one funky dream” I muttered to myself as I stumbled up to my feet. I rubbed my eyes then took in the sights. My eyes went wide as I saw that I was in an alleyway of some sort of city. “How the hell…” I trailed off as my conscious began to berate me.

“See what you drinking has caused John?” the voice asked. I knelt down and poked the ground, there was no snow and the weather felt warm like it was… summer time.

I let out a yawn, maybe when I tripped I had knocked myself out and this was just a dream. I decided to go with that idea and began to walk towards the exit of the alleyway. “Well… this is exciting. I get to explore a warm sunny day in… wherever” I muttered to myself.

My happy mood was soon killed as I heard someone scream. “Help! Stop! Thief” yelled the voice. ‘Time to play hero’ I thought to myself as I began to run towards the exit of the alleyway. ‘Good plan. Who are you supposed to be anyway? Drunken man?’ my conscious asked, making a shitty pun.

I slid out of the alleyway and saw some green horse looking thing running away with a couple bottles of milk.

“WHOA, what the fuck” I exclaimed as he said nearly the exact same thing but said buck instead of fuck. “Please stop him” cried out the frantic woman. Both the green horse thing, which was a little higher than my belly button, and I looked at each other in shock.

The woman yelled out again. “Please stop him, he stole those milk bottles” she cried out. The green horse quickly tried to run around me but I decided to take a gander and say he was a thief. I slammed a powerful punch into the horse’s chest that made him yelp and gasp for air as he began to double over.

I swung my arm up then power housed an elbow into the back of its head, knocking it out cold. I stood there as I examined the green horse creature. “Man… I had wayyyy too much to drink this morning” I muttered to myself.

“Thank you so much. I don’t know what I would’ve done if you hadn’t showed up when you did Mr.…” the woman trailed off. “John, John Kur…” I trailed off as I saw that the woman wasn’t actually a woman. She was another horse looking thing. “Holy shit… you can talk” I blurted out, her face turned into a frown.