The Single Greatest Story You Will Ever Read.

by Hippony

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Sex, Random
Length: 1075

Twilight's escapades in a malevolent narrator's world turn for the weirdest

Crazy things happen in Equestria, but then don't actually happen. Just such instances can be shown here, in literally the greatest story ever written.

Published 2015-04-02 04:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-02 04:00:02 UTC

Mother of Celestia

Once upon a time there were some ponies.

The end?

Zarzaclaus is comin' to town

Twilight Sparkle went downstairs to that science place in her basement (?). There was a fucking huge computer she had recently installed. By which I mean Spike installed it. Just as much, it seems, as what Twilight Sparkle was about to do on this computer would make Spike semi-responsible for the perishing of literally everything in all 11 dimensions. Ever so calmly, Twilight walked up to the computer and entered the command.

fucking FUCKSPUNKASSES fucky shit dicks.

Nothing happened; for now.

Celestia, what a functionally retarded command, thought the lavender alicorn. She had lots of time to think lots of things, but only for a minute. For what transpired before her eyes melted the very concept of her eyeballs across all 11 plains.

It was a snout–a hideous, indescribable snout of a hideous, indescribable monster. Then a body came. A body made of a hardly stomachable mass of inexistence. Atop this mass of pure torment was a man of a platypus’ body. These two were surely the epitome of omnipotent destruction. These two, Zarzapolnizhark the Conquestioner and Brendon the Demiplatypus, were, in fact, that.

As her final thoughts escaped her, she knew exactly what had happened. Exactly what she had wanted. The destruction of everything and its mother was finally afoot. Ahoof? Oh, who gives a shit? No one will exist to be able to debate this soon. Soon, Twilight’s last words as she was consumed by the sheer might of the unholy Arbiters of the Morose Hypersphere. And soon, this universe will share the same fate.

And so they did. All was consumed by the Dimmest Glimmer in unfathomable color. Of course, no one would know this to be the fate of everyone who has ever existed, exists, or to exist in the future, for thoughts of the sort were the first consumed from the masses. Only at their Event Horizon of Deceasion will their very essence and every thought return to them before being slowly slid from them as they continue their existence in the negative space within the core of the Morose Hypersphere.

And when it is all over, Zarzapolnizhark the Conquestioner and Brendon the Demiplatypus shall return to their insatiably grim Antiverse. And the essence of the existence captured from the universes as we could ever possibly perceive them shall feed their tenacious family for many Megaeons.

But as they feed, they plant the seeds of a new universe, ever so different from the previous. This particular one depicts a scenario in which Twilight Sparkle never summoned Zarzapolnizhark the Conquestioner and Brendon the Demiplatypus. She was content to sit around, waiting for this narrative to pick back up. Incidentally, this was the universe in which we started. A universe in which I, the narrator, spoke with a lot less caring for his work. This person is me and not only me from an alternate universe, but also me as I am right now in this one. A universe inside of which you, the reader, reside.

Twilight, bored with my rambling nonsense, somehow being aware of it to begin with, goes outside to get some fresh air. Upon entering the world outside her abode, she is greeted by all of her friends. Why they are all there for no explained reason is unimportant at the moment. No, for now, all that is important to note is that all 5 of her best friends, upon their greeting, opened fire on the mare. She died almost instantly from a shot to the head, the bullet bouncing off the walls of her skull and scrambling her brain.

She woke up again.

I really hate this narrator, Twilight grumbled before slamming her head back onto her bed.

And all was well in Equestria.

Liquid Pride

“Oh, sweet, merciless shit!” Cried the crystal ponies in agony. “It’s everywhere!”

Shining Armor stood and stared down at his minions in reverence as they all waded through his copious amounts of cum.

...Anyhow, so dude was chilling in the throne room, looking at the guys he just busted a nut on, and he suddenly had a thought: “Why in Celestia’s fuck would I just do something like this?”

While pondering this particularly puzzling predicament, he had failed to notice that the cum had caught on fire, and his city made of crystals was somehow flammable. Basically, while he sat there dicking around, his whole kingdom got fucked up. By the time he decided to be a useful thing once in his damn life, the whole kingdom was destroyed and everyone died.

Shining Armor awoke in a cold sweat. he sprang up and did that whole home alone scream.

“Honey, what’s wrong?” asked his wife, who was beside him, sitting in a chair and sipping tea.

“Oh, it was awful! I had this terrible dream; it was eve...” he paused, really looking at Cadence for a second, “Cadence, why aren't you in bed?”

“I like to watch you sleep.” she whispered in the most disconcerting of ways.

Giving Cadence a very creeped-out stare, he asked: “...What time is it?”

“About 5 AM.”

“I guess there’s no real point in going back to bed now, is there?” Shining Armor asked jokingly.

And then they banged. For, like, an hour. It was pretty hot, gotta say.

It was about this time when Twilight Sparkle woke up. She had had the strangest dream. There was this portal thing and she became human and Spike was a dog or something. Her friends were there but they weren't really them or something. There was some bad guy, she was some high school chick or something. And they were all, like, humans, but still had pony colours, which is kinda weird if you think about it. Like, maybe they weren't actually the humans of Earth, but were like alternate universe humans, thus making Earth people in Equestria not actually canon.

Or something.

She slowly trotted downstairs, after a short while of straightening up her mane with her brand new limited edition Twilight Sparkle, Alicorn Princess Brush (BUY NOW: ONLY 99 EASY PAYMENTS OF 99.99).

“Cocaine’s a Hell of a drug.” she thought to herself as she went to the library/living room. Picking out a book, she read it, waiting for the story to go somewhere with this.

But it never did.

Or did it?