Crusader Sky

by Elite Minor

Rating: mature
Tags: Dark, Comedy, Random, Adventure
Length: 5390

When the Treacherous Trio stumbles upon a flying boat/airship thingy, they set off on an epic quest to finally claim their cutie marks.

This won Story of the Weak once…

Vocal reading done by: TheExhaustedBrony

When the Treacherous Trio stumbles upon a flying boat/airship thingy, they set off on an epic quest to finally claim their cutie marks.

And who knows…

Maybe they'll accomplish something much grander in the process. These wannabe hero fillies are about to turn the world upside down…

…Or just destroy it by completely messing things up but we won't get into that.

Rated Mature for adult jokes, suggestive themes, and violence.

DO NOT take this story seriously! It will kill your brain!

Cover image brought to you by:

Holivi

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-13 16:34:43 UTC

The Epic Begins

"War never changes?" Applebloom suggested.

She was scratching her chin with a hoof in deep, concentrated thought.

Sweetie Belle did not look amused. She frowned and scrunched her eyebrows in disapproval.

"That's got to be the dumbest thing I've ever heard."

"Fight the power?"

"We're not protesting racism Applebloom," Sweetie Belle droned.

"Now go grow my food, hornless swine."

Applebloom groaned.

"Kay, so Cutie Mark Crusader Philosophers is outta the question I guess," Applebloom sighed as she stared at the wooden floor of the clubhouse.

They both turned to Scootaloo, who was lying down across the room from them, a pencil in her mouth. She stopped writing and tossed away the crumpled up paper, whilst groaning in frustration. She bucked the white ball towards the wastebasket, almost making it all the way in. She would be an athlete like Rainbow Dash in no time. She then turned to her two best friends.

"Hey guys, I'm trying to write a song. Can you help please? You know coming up with lyrics isn't my thing."

Sweetie Belle's face lit up immediately.

"Of course! What kind of song were you planning on making?"

She batted her eyes at Scootaloo sweetly. Sweetie Belle was in her element.

"Well, I kinda wanted to go for a party song with a good beat, clever lyrics, with an ego-boosting theme," Scootaloo admitted proudly.

Sweetie Belle frowned in dread.

"Like hip-hop?"

"Yeah! That's a great idea, Sweetie Belle!" Scootaloo cried with excessive joy.

"Sorry I asked..." Sweetie Belle mumbled under her breath as she trotted away.

Scootaloo was about to return to her songwriting when the sound of loud cracking trees and screams of tubular terror made her break her pencil.

"What was that?" Applebloom asked.

"I dunno, let's go check it out. I mean its totally not like we're going to run into a group of pirate ponies that are getting eaten by timberwolves or anything," Sweetie Belle said ominously.

****

"Sweetie Belle, you are totally wrong! These guys aren't pirates!"

Scootaloo threw her hoof up in sincere disappointment, pointing at a timberwolf that was chewing on the bottom half of a surfer pony. The blonde pony and his compadres were screaming as they were getting eaten alive.

"Dudettes! I'm like-totally getting eaten by this gnarly um...gnarling thing! Could you like-help a bro out? This like, totally blows and stuff!" the still-alive top half of him said as he flipped his blonde mane out of his eyes.

Scootaloo ignored him as she crossed her forelegs together across her chest, sitting on the grass with a pouty face.

"You promised me that there would be pirates, but I see no pirates babe! I feel cheated..." Scootaloo complained.

Applebloom walked up to the pouty Scootaloo and patted her back with a sympathetic face.

"I know, so do I."

They looked again to the scene in front of them to find that indeed, a pack of timberwolves were devouring surfer ponies and not pirates. But then they saw something that caught their eye, something so undeniably awesome that the awesomeness could not be denied.

"It's a flying boat!" Applebloom squealed with glee.

A giant airship was roped to the ground not too far from the ambushed surfer ponies. It was the size of a three-story building and was attached to a giant pink blimp. It looked like it was at least a third-rate warship, from Sweetie Belle's expert observation. The annoying laugh of the doomed surfer ponies broke her concentration when she was trying to analyze the airworthiness of the vessel.

She then turned to her friends with a wide smile.

"Hey guys! If we can't find pirates, then maybe we can become pirates!" she squeed with delight.

Scootaloo raised a hoof to the sky.

"Sounds kinky! I'm in."

Applebloom scanned the scattered band of surfer ponies' butts getting devoured by wooden predators.

Well, at least they weren't predators with wood...

"Yeah, me too. But we better protect our behinds though," she muttered with caution.

It was then when something in all of their heads clicked at the same time. It was so obvious to them, how could they not have seen it before? Their destiny had carved its path and had lit the way with the lanterns of fate so clearly that they could nearly grasp it in their hooves physically. It would be a crime to let such an opportunity pass them by. They all nodded to each other in unison as they realized what they must do, what they must become. All of them hopped into the air with their hooves to the sky and made their decree to the world.

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADER BUTT PIRATES!"

...

An awkward moment of silence.

The gleeful smiles that were frozen on their faces began to melt, as the words finally sank in. They blushed as the surfer ponies literally died laughing as the timberwolves crunched on their bones, ending them forever for life. It was then when they noticed their folly.

"Th-that doesn't sound right," Applebloom commented.

"Yeah, we probably should have reworded that," Sweetie Belle chimed in.

"I for one, was okay with it," admitted Scootaloo.

Both of them stared at Scootaloo with wide eyes before turning their attention back towards the flying craft. Then they all gazed at all of the dead surfer ponies that the timberwolves were feasting on.

"Well, it doesn't look like they're using it anymore. Let's take it!" Sweetie reasoned.

****

The mare of war sailed with the wind, which was an amazing feat considering that the ship had a blimp and not any actual sails. Sweetie Belle stood at the helm of the ship, eyes closed with her nose to the sky like a Canterlot elite, showing her dominance of this vessel. A clean bicorne hat rested on her head as she steered the ship, complimenting her deep blue fusilier uniform.

The true look of a air-faring captain.

Neighpoleon would be proud.

Of course, her friends were wearing the same thing, but they weren't the ones looking awesome steering the ship, right?

Scootaloo drew a spyglass out of her pack and scoped out the open air ahead. The sky was nearly clear, with only a few clouds in the sky. She could see Canterlot on her right, dug in along the mountains. It was the perfect place for a raid ship to ambush them, she would have to stay wary of any incoming vessels.

"Everything is quiet captain. Too quiet..."

Scootaloo shifted her eyes back and forth after she finished her report. Sweetie Belle looked back at her with a smile.

"Very good, Lieutenant Scootaloo! Is our slav- ur, I mean, Applebloom doing all the manual labor?" she asked with a greatly exaggerated Braytish accent.

Scootaloo winced at the mincing of an entire equines' culture as the terrible attempt at the accent raked her ears.

Singing was one thing, but accents, completely different.

"Yes Captain!" Scootaloo saluted with a painful frown as she buzzed away from the helm, rubbing her ears in agony.

She joined Applebloom on the deck of the ship, awaiting the captain's inspiring speech. Sweetie Belle marched up to both of them and the two crusaders responded by snapping to attention.

"Alright, lackeys! I'd like to welcome you to the Crusader! As captain of this vessel, I expect my orders to be obeyed without question and that every crew member gives me their undying loyalty."

She got in Applebloom's face and butted snouts at 'every', causing the earth pony to darted her eyes around nervously.

Scootaloo raised a hoof.

"Does that include sex because I would like that very much."

Sweetie Belle blinked absentmindedly before continuing her speech.

"So without further adieu..."

Sweetie Belle took a deep breath in.

"Does any pony know where we're going!?" She yelled frantically as her voice cracked.

Continuity

They floated over the plains of Equestria as the ship flew north. Birds soared past, like escort fighters. A serene calm was draped over the barely-cloudy skies over the peaceful land. However, none of the brave and adolescent crew had the slightest idea of where they were going.

But it mattered not.

The thrill and suspense of adventure was enough nourishment for these three young souls. It would not be long before they discovered new lands, befriended pirates, became polygamous lovers, battled monsters, and halted an invasion of Changlings. All actions of which would seal their names in history as the greatest heroes that ever lived forever.

...Or so they thought.

"It's been two days! I am sooo bored!" Applebloom complained, playing with one of the ropes that held the blimp in place.

Sweetie Belle was steering the ship as always, though not with the grace and energy she had a couple of days ago. She was slumped over the wheel, using her chin to steer while trying not to fall asleep. She wasn't exactly watching where they were going, not even bothering to look up, just kind of steering back and forth randomly. Sweetie didn't even notice that she had just run over a passerby pegasus that was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

But why did it matter?

She would just make Applebloom clean off the blood smears later.

...Being captain was cool.

Scootaloo was lying on her stomach with her barely-written song and a pencil in front, groaning in frustration. Writing a hip-hop song was harder than it looked. She was not Tupac.

"We are adventurers, which is cool and all but I have no clue what we are adventuring to," Sweetie Belle griped.

"We could adventure into each others' souls."

Applebloom and Sweetie Belle both turned to stare at Scootaloo.

"...and bodies."

They continued to stare.

"What!?"

Sweetie Belle pushed herself off of the wheel and trotted up to Scootaloo bearing a worried glance.

"Scootaloo, I think you might have a problem. Should I give you the number for Pinkie's therapist?" she asked with a sympathetic tone.

Scootaloo dropped her pencil in protest, grunting at an unnecessary volume at the power behind the action.

"Oh come on! Honestly, what does a filly have to do to get laid around here without every pony thinking she's crazy?"

"I'm sorry Scootaloo, but I just don't feel comfortable knowing that we have a psychotic mass murderer in our crew."

"MASS- WHAT?! Girl, I just want some sexy time!"

Applebloom had picked this opportune moment to interrupt as she galloped in between the two arguers and jabbed a hoof at another airship.

"Girls, look! We have company!"

When they turned to face this new stranger, they saw that it was in fact another airship, approaching broadside from the starboard side. It was flying a black flag with an image of Star-Swirled the Bearded taking a piss. The ship was about the same size as the Crusader but this ship had a much larger crew scurrying around the deck and shouting orders in a strange dialect.

A small colt hopped out to the edge of the ship, making himself most visible to the three friends.

"Prepare arrggh! To be arrggh! Boarded arrggh!" the colt cried out intensely.

"AWW! He looks so adorable in his cute little pirate outfit!" Applebloom cooed.

Scootaloo gasped at Applebloom.

"Don't tell me you're straight! Now my day is ruined!"

The colt drew a sword at pointed at the three fillies. Many of the other crew members drew muskets and sabers alike, ready for action. Who knew what catastrophic danger three seven-year old fillies could bring so it was better safe than sorry.

Definitely not overkill.

Sweetie Belle noticed the weapons but it was the flag that scared her. It reminded her how much she had to use the bathroom.

"Don't pee on us! We come in peace!" she pleaded holding out both forehooves in a peace sign.

It was then when a large, dirty stallion within the crew trotted through the crowd of armed pirates. As the crew moved aside for him, mainly because of the smell and not because of his intimidating stature and poise, he stared daggers at Sweetie Belle.

"Oh Celestia! He's gonna R-Kelly me!" She thought frantically as her eyes widened in fear.

"We don't arrggh! Understand arrggh! Your accent arrggh!" he bellowed epically.

All three of the fillies blinked absently as the pirate ship closed with theirs and docked. Pirates started to board the Crusader and began scanning for any possible threats. That orange pegasus filly looked like a mass murderer and definitely not a horny fillyfooler to them.

"Don't pee arrggh! On us arrggh! We come arrggh! In peace arrggh!" Sweetie Belle responded.

The captain froze for a moment, his mind trying to process what travesty he had just heard. The gray unicorn rubbed his horn as he was at a loss for words.

"Dude that's gross, how could you even think that? You girls are weirdos," he responded in a normal speaking tone.

Sweetie Belle's face betrayed confusion.

Like a lot.

You know, like when you upload Kaspersky anti-virus on your computer and they don't even give you the license-type of confused.

"Wait...if you can talk right, what was all that 'arrggh' stuff about?"

The captain blinked and then nodded and smiled knowingly as he gestured to the young colt. The colt was trying to pound on his chest like he was going to cough something up.

"Oh that! Well, me and junior here were choking on the meatballs we had for lunch."

"Oh...okay then," Sweetie responded awkwardly.

"But what about the creepy flag y'all got?" Applebloom inquired, jabbing a hoof at the inappropriate display.

The colt spoke this time.

"That's all they had at the bit store," he explained.

"But you were asking about our accents, what about that?" Scootaloo chimed in because she was feeling neglected and wanted to be loved...roughly.

The captain rubbed his chin in thought.

"Continuity?"

They both looked up at the sky in thought, before they simultaneously came to a conclusion.

"Continuity!" they both confirmed together.

The colt ran up to the three fillies excitedly.

"So, do you girls wanna join our crew? We could really use some gender diversity!"

It had now come to Scootaloo's conclusion that this colt was out to steal her fillies, something that was not about to happen on her watch. She would show this upstart pony that this was her territory homey! She would bust a cap in him if she had to. Looks like she had a new rival to deal with and in a war of love, things never end pretty...no matter how pretty the participants are. She would show him the hard truth and break him! Break him like the loser he was.

"Hmm, joining a crew of dirty, sweaty and sex-starved stallions as underage filly-virgins? Tempting..." Sweetie Belle thought out loud.

"How about you join us on our ship instead? We have these rainbow-cupcakes that we got from Pinkie Pie!" Applebloom exclaimed, pulling them from literally nowhere.

Scootaloo hopped onto Applebloom, her face ecstatic.

"And they actually taste like Rainbow Dash!"

"...Wait, how would you-"

"I would know, because I would sneak into her cloud house at night and lick her while she was asleep!" Scootaloo declared, quite proud of herself.

"I knew she was a psychopath...still cute though. Would bang." Sweetie thought.

"We will join you!" the colt cried out with a perverted smile on his face.

"She even squirted on me! In fact, those cupcakes taste exactly like that juice! It's almost as if-" Scootaloo paused as she realized something.

A sad face took over her happy face.

"Rainbow would rather bang Pinkie than me..." she whispered solemnly as she sniffed back a couple of tears.

The entire pirate crew cheered as they started dragging all of their supplies and weapons onto the fillies' ship. Commotion between the two ships started as this procedure occurred. They carried food, water, muskets, swords, and even cannons onto the Crusader, stocking for everything they would need for the upcoming journey.

The pirate captain looked at his ponies gathering the supplies as he turned to Sweetie Belle.

"We need to establish a chain of comma-"

"I'm in charge or I'll tell the Royal Police that you molested me with a screwdriver," Sweetie Belle threatened.

"-Oh, okay then," he responded sheepishly.

The colt was helping Applebloom pack a box of explosive gunpowder next to a box of flammable matches and flesh-tearing musket balls. The young pony knew for a fact that this was the safest way to store their weapons and smiled in content while eyeing Applebloom's flank. He then turned to her and nervously introduced himself.

"I-I'm Stiffler," the spotted white pegasus announced nervously.

Applebloom gave him a friendly wide smile.

"Nice to meet you Stiffler, I'm Applebloom!"

They both turned away and blushed, hinting at shipping that is moving too fast-paced for this point in the story.

Once the transition was complete and the pirates' old ship set ablaze, the Crusader set sail throughout the skies. The extra crew were a godsend, helping the ship function more effectively than before. Wherever they were going, it would come much faster now. Also, the new cannons and weapons would offer the vessel added protection against any foes that may lie in its path. This mare of war was finally equipped for a real adventure.

"So, what is your name anyway, creepy weird guy?"

Sweetie broke the silence, staring up at the older pony with false innocence in her eyes.

"I am the Dread Pirate-" he started.

"Roberts!?" Applebloom squealed happily.

"No! Shut up slave!" he scowled at her.

She cowered away and dipped her head sadly. It wasn't easy being an earth pony in Equestria, except if you were Pinkie Pie because she's too awesome to be discriminated against.

"I am the Dread Pirate Jenkins," he announced in an icy tone, his face darkening.

"Leeroy Jenkins."

There was an awkward pause after that, while he was locked in his epic pose with his chest puffed out, every pony expecting something else to happen. The entire crew stared at the spectacle for a good few seconds before Leeroy let out the breath he was holding in.

"So-how-did you girls-fly the ship on you-r own?" he asked between huffs of breath.

Sweetie Belle brought her hoof to her chin looked skyward as she pondered the enigma with the best calculus she could comprehend. Such an algorithm might take months or even years to crack. She was determined though, she was not giving up without a fight. This was one of those events in history that get talked about thousands of years into the future for being so significant. Scientists, scholars, and the guy at the taco stand have all tried and failed miserably at solving the mystery that Sweetie Belle had mastered with relative ease.

Back in Ponyville, Twilight Sparkle orgasmed in her sleep, magiculating all over her pillow.

"Continuity?"

The Dread Pirate Leeroy Jenkins nodded in agreement.

"Continuity."

Ambush!

"A Princess Luna is incoming! Brace for impact!" Jenkins called out, the entire crew scrambling and screaming like little fillies.

The only ponies that weren't screaming like little fillies were the only little fillies on the ship. Many pirates hid or reached for their muskets while others were content with either laying down in a fetal position and crying or running around in circles. The Cutie Mark Crusaders just sat there idle while the rest of the crew freaked out.

"I can't take this anymore! I keep getting stalked by Princess Lunas! I'm ending it! I'm sorry mom!" a suicidal pirate cried.

Applebloom's eyes nearly popped out of her skull when she saw a pirate that was freaking out, jump overboard and plummet to the earth below. She galloped up to the edge of the ship and looked over, hoping to catch a glimpse at the fallen pony.

Applebloom looked to Leeroy Jenkins in sheer terror.

"He just jumped off! Why does this keep happening to me!?" she panicked.

Leeroy just gazed at her with a blank expression.

"Oh, don't worry. Shifty's a pegasus, he always does that," the Dread Pirate waved off.

A loud boom from the center of the top deck caught their attention. Princess Luna, in all of her bluish and socially awkward glory, was standing proudly, a spitting image of one of the most powerful alicorns in the world. There was a white sock covering her horn, flopping around as she moved her head. She gazed across the deck, oblivious to the fleeing ponies around her as she singled out the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

"You three fillies! Your princess demands your assistance!" she bellowed.

The ponies that were standing around her were running and crying in pain, their hooves covering their bloody eardrums.

The three friends froze in their tracks.

Scootaloo's wings flushed open as she licked her lips.

"I would like to put my chicken in her."

"Yes? I am Captain Sweetie Belle. What is it you desire, o powerful moon hobo!? I really love your mane by the way..."

"They keep callin' me a slave. Help me..."

Luna looked to her ponies with a smile as she stomped her hoof onto the wooden deck, her alicorn powers causing it to crack. The pony who was painting the deck next to her frowned and whimpered at his ruined work with a brush in his mouth.

"I have this sock placed over my horn because I am self-conscious about showing it to Twilight Sparkle, of whom I have a crush on! If you can make my horn make Twilight hornier than she already is, I will reward you greatly!"

Sweetie Belle looked to Applebloom.

"Hey slave, does this mean we have to cut off her horn and glue it to Twilight?"

Applebloom scowled in anger at her title.

"No Captain, I think she wants us to...polish it."

"I'm getting horny and I'm not even a unicorn!" Scootaloo added with an enthusiastic smile, going wall-eyed.

Luna rose a hoof to her chin in heavy thought.

"Oh! I've got it! I'll tag along with you and use my overpowered alicorn magic to kill anything that gets in your wa-look out! I'll save you, random pirate pony!" Luna cried out as a powerful, blue beam shot from her horn.

A random pirate pony was waiting on his pet parrot to return to his shoulder from his errand. The parrot had a bag filled with anti-depressant pills and crack cocaine and was flying to complete the pirate's transaction. He smiled widely as his feathered friend entered his view with his fix in tow. He couldn't wait to pop that first pill.

The bird then was shredded by a bright blue light, feathers ruffling everywhere and the bag of goodies plummeting to the earth below. A tear went down the pirate's face.

"NO!"

Luna turned back to the fillies, who gasped at her in shock. The princess just murdered a bird. Even worse, she wasted some perfectly good drugs. The sock was somehow still over her horn, undamaged.

"You see little ones? I can be helpful."

After it was settled that Luna would travel with them, the fillies urged the pirates not to be scared and to come out of hiding and prevent suicides. It wasn't long before Leeroy Jenkins was shaking hooves with Princess Luna and business was usual around the ship.

They were now sailing over a mountain range that marked the border of Equestria and they now realized that they were heading into a foreign land. The mountains were below them and Applebloom could see griffons flying about their homes. She gazed at the beautiful scenery, the wind coursing through her hair. She then heard clopping coming up from behind her.

It was Stiffler, the brown-spotted, white pegasus.

"So..."

"So what?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know what?"

"You're hot for a slave."

"Um...thank you?"

"Your welcome. Well...the Dread Pirate is probably looking for me and your owner Sweetie Belle probably is looking for you too...so I'll see you later sexy slave."

"You too Stiffy," Applebloom finished with a blush.

She retracted her hooves from the wooden rails as she stole a glance at his flank and bit her lip in longing. She needed to masturbate tonight, she hadn't done so since Scootaloo tried to molest her a week ago.

"Enemy ships! It's an ambush!" Leeroy cried.

"There's five of them! Luna, get ready to fire your horn. All crews to battlestations! Fire all batteries!" Sweetie Belle ordered.

Ponies scurried around the ship, this time, ready to fight. Applebloom and Scootaloo both hurried down with the other pirates into the deck below, where they kept the armory. Crewmembers began manning the cannons and priming them to fire. Scootaloo and Applebloom recieved a musket and a saber from the pony handing out weapons and ran back up to the top deck.

Up there, they could see five smaller ships moving up to engage the Crusader.

"Artillery crews! Get ready to commit murder!" the Dread Pirate yelled.

Griffon mercenaries were flying five light frigates to attack them.

Luna's horn fired.

Four light frigates.

They were coming in at all angles, aiming to box them in.

"Get ready for a fight ponies! For tonight, we hump in Tartarus!" Sweetie Belle spoke epicly.

"For freedom!" Applebloom shouted.

"For Twilight!" Luna added.

"For something I care about!" Leeroy yelled unconfidently.

"For sex slaves!" Stiffler roared as he cocked a flintlock pistol.

"Rape and pillag-ur, I mean, more rape!" Scootaloo chirped happily, saber locked in her hoof and jabbed into the air.

Sweetie Belle looked across the entire vessel and her crew.

"Fire all batteries!"

The Battle of Gryphon Heights...And the Rape That Took Place Afterward

All of the cannons fired ripping through a Gryphon light frigate, the enemy ship being blasted into bits of splintered wood by the Crusader's full broadside. The powder magazine on the Gryphon frigate exploded violently, Scootaloo sadistically watching and laughing at the Gryphon crew members that were panicking and flying around in circles, their bodies ablaze.

"Haha! Rape! Rape I say! Internal violation of the body without consent! Hahaha!" Scootaloo gave her best evil laugh.

Luna's horn let out another impressive magic bolt of dark blue, ripping through and practically vaporized another ship. There were only two enemy ships left.

Scootaloo wondered if the Princess was cumming every time she fired her horn...maybe she wasn't an ideal sex partner then.

"Beat me with a sex doll 'cause I just might need one." the young pegasus frowned at the thought.

The gryphons were now frantic.

"We've got to turn this battle around before they kill us all!" one gryphon of one of the two surviving ships warned.

The Crusader's other broadside opened up on one of the surviving ships, the salvo crippling it and throwing chucks of wood and gryphons everywhere. The sinking gryphon ships were dropping out the sky like rocks.

"Okay, forget what I said before. Maybe we should just fly away instead," the same gryphon deadpanned.

"The ponies are boarding!" another gryphon cried out in terror.

He looked and sure enough the Crusader was docking with the immobile gryphon ship, a dark blue beam obliterating their final gryphon allied airship. Dozens of pirate ponies hopped onto the deck of the gryphon ship, muskets blazing. Fighting broke out on the gryphon ship, guns shooting and blades clashing.

Stiffler and a gryphon both drew flintlock pistols on each other at the same time.

"Yo homey! Imma bust a cap in your cap!" Stiffler yelled.

The gryphon opened his mouth to speak but paused for a split second.

"Imma...think of something as clever as that, just give me a minute!" the gryphon responded.

"Very well..."

Both lowered their pistols and gazed away from each other and at the battle around them. They focused on each other, unwilling to break their concentration. So began the epic battle of wits.

Another pirate pony ran up and shot the gryphon point-blank in the head.

"Bonus points!" the pirate said to Stiffler as galloped off.

"Hey! That was my kill, Scro!" Stiffler complained.

Sweetie Belle was saber-dueling a gryphon, their blades clashing as they blocked and parried each other's slashes and thrusts. Sweetie Bells spun and twirled her saber as she blocked an incoming horizontal slash.

"You can't beat me. My big sister is an elegant fencer, and she taught me everything she knows," Sweetie Belle scoffed at her opponent.

She parried a thrust aimed at her chest and returned with a slash, which the gryphon blocked.

"So that makes me...like a Jedi Knight or something. Now, ask yourself. Do you really think you can beat a Jedi?"

Her adversary stopped and put a claw to his chin.

"Hmm...no, I guess not."

Coming to this revelation, the pirate gryphon proceeded to draw a pistol and shoot Sweetie Belle in the foreleg.

Sweetie shrieked as the pain caused her eyes to flood with tears. Blood trickled down her leg as she began to scream and cry loudly.

"You just shot a seven-year old little filly in the leg! Why would you do that?!" Sweetie Belle yelled at the gryphon between sobs.

His eyes grew wide with shock and regret.

"I am SO sorry! I didn't know what I was thinking! What is wrong with me? I just shot a kid! Holy Celestia, what did I just do?!" the gryphon continued to reel as he was lost in a guilt trip.

Sweetie Belle stabbed him through the throat and then retracted her blade in rage.

She looked around the battlefield and saw that the crew of the Crusader had taken the gryphon ship. Applebloom, Stiffler, and the Dread Pirate Leeroy Jenkins were standing watch over several gryphons that had been taken prisoner. Sweetie Belle smiled warmly as she observed Scootaloo humping the face of one of the prisoners.

"If I can't have Sweetie Belle, then you're the consolation prize!" the orange filly giggled madly as she pounded away at the gryphon's face, ignoring her cries and pleas for mercy.

"Can I get a band-aid?" Sweetie Belle asked.

Princess Luna entered the captured ship, her nose high as she looked as imposing as an alicorn with a sock on her horn could be. She charged up her magic and aimed her horn at the prisoners.

"Lick my hooves!" the night princess bellowed.

"Wh-what?" one of the now-confused prisoners responded meekly.

"Lick my hooves and tell me that I am pretty!" Luna repeated.

"What?" a second gryphon said in a deadpan tone.

Luna huffed as she puffed out her cheeks in anger.

"I am going through a difficult self-esteem issue right now, and I need a nonsensical fetish to fill the void inside my soul! Now do it! I command you!" Luna ordered, now becoming impatient.

"What?"

Luna non-literally exploded...which means she didn't actually physically blow up, she just got really mad.

"Say what again! Say...what again!" Luna threatened as she pointed her loaded horn at them once more.

"What is going on here!?" a gryphon cried out, completely lost.

Luna fired her horn and turned all of the prisoners into ash, Scootaloo's rape victim included.

"Hey, I wasn't finished yet!" the horny orange filly complained.

"We have won this battle...but there are many more to be fought. This journey is just beginning. What happens? We do not know. We do not question what path destiny will take us, we just go with the flow. Always watching, always ready for when pony kind needs us the most. We are...the Crusaders," Leeroy Jenkins completed his extra-epic speech with pride.

An awkward silence took over the ship.

Applebloom walked up to Leeroy with watery eyes, surely from the beauty of his poetic speech. She looked up to him with the youth and vigor of a promising filly. The promise to pass down his words of wisdom unto future generations of ponies. She opened her mouth to speak.

"Uhh...I didn't understand a word you just said."

Leeroy blinked in response.

"...Neither did I. I'm hungry, let's order tacos!" he shouted with glee.

Everypony cheered and re-boarded the Crusader. It wasn't long before they were setting sail again into the sun, as they prepared to feast and dine upon store bought quality tacos.

The journey is just beginning...even though it began four chapters ago.

Luna's Snatch Vacuum

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