The Adventures of El Spikeo
“Aw c’mon Twilight!”
“For the last time no Spike” Twilight had picked up the last of her things “I’m not going to use the mustache spell on you every day. It was a one-time thing as a treat. Entertain yourself with some reading while I go run these errands . It shouldn’t take too long” Spike rolled his eyes as Twilight pulled out her massively oversized checklist.
“Open door. Check. Go through door. Check. Close Door.” Before Twilight could shut the door Spike angrily slammed it shut. He loved Twilight, but sometimes her obsessive list making grated on his nerves. All he wanted was a simple mustache spell so he could look like that comic book hero from Mexicolt he read about. Spike angrily kicked a book sending it flying across the room. It shattered a small potted plant leaving a muddy mess right in front of the section marked “Vintage” Spike gulped, that was where the Astronomical Astronomer’s Almanac to All Thing Astronomy was stored before the accident. Twilight had said all those books were nigh irreplaceable. Spike vowed to take vengeance on the book responsible as he prepared to chuck it out the window he stopped to view the title. “A Beginner’s Guide to Growing Magic” Spike stopped and stroked his chin.
“Twilight may not be willing to try mustache magic again, but I bet I know two unicorns who would!” Spike quickly grabbed a box of costume supplies stuffed his new favorite book into it and made a mad dash for the schoolyard. He’d be there in no time at all. He’d cut straight through the market, and he’d be right there.
“Hi Applejack!” Spike heard Twilight’s voice coming from around the corner. He quickly ducked into the first basket of flowers he saw. He worked hard to cover himself with as many as possible and began putting on his black mask and cape.
“Uh Spike… what are you doing?” Spike looked up to see a visibly confused Junebug looking into her basket. Spike hadn’t thought to see if the basket was on the ground or not.
“Shh Junebug. I’m secretly a dashing sword fighting super hero, but Twilight can’t find out. You have to get me out of here to the schoolyard.”
“But Spike I-”
“Hi Junebug, what are you talking about? Spike isn’t here.” Junebug nervously looked back to her basket and Spike cupped his hands together and gave Junebug a pleading look.
“Uh…that’s right he is not here.” Junebug began edging her way out of the market place. Twilight looked at her suspiciously before heading towards the Sweet Apple Acres Fruit Stand. Junebug approached the schoolyard still thoroughly confused. “Um Spike Twilight is gone.”
“Excellente!” Spike jumped out of the basket clad in a black cape, mask, and a small hat. He pulled a flimsy costume sword out and slashed an S into the ground. “My thanks fair maiden.” Spike tossed her a flower before running off into the bushes. Junebug stood there with a completely dumbfounded look on her face.
Recess was the same as it always was; Snips and Snails were discussing the complexities to the flavor of chocolate pudding and all the varied laws of possession applying to the cup of it sitting on a picnic table. Certainly it was the greatest legal issue of their generation, Snails had seen it first, but Snips had clearly touched it first. They brought up the time honored precedents “Did too” and its brilliant counter point “Did not” Spike sat in the bushes watching the battle. He moved in and sat down on the short wooden table. He wasn’t quite sure what was going on, but he was going to watch for a little bit with a snack.
Spike put a claw to his mouth and let out a shrill whistle. “Mi amigos!” Spike said in his best attempt at an accident. “What seems to be the problema?”
“Uh… Spike why are you talking like that?”
“Snails do not refer to me as Spike. Call me El Spikeo! Wealthy dragon bachelor by day, legendary crime fighter and outlaw whenever! See my trademark?” He took the short prop sword and slashed a crude S into the ground. “I’ll work on it” Spike shrugged. “Tell me friends what causes strife?”
“The pudding cup is”
“Gone!” Snips said as he cut Snails off. “Somepony must have stolen it!”
Spike put his other hand behind his back “Indeed somepony.” Spike grimaced as he tossed an empty container into the bushes. “We must apprehend this pudding bandit! But I will need a better disguise. Perhaps you gentlecolts could try your hoof at this!” Spike produced the book from his cake and opened it to the appropriate page.
“I don’t know Spike… it looks like…. Really hard.” Spike rolled his eyes at Snails’ unenthusiastic response.
“Are you a stallion or a filly?” Spike gave Snails a slight slap across his face. Snails looked at the spell book with grim determination. He leaned in and began to focus. He closed his eyes as tight as he could and craned his neck forward trying to raise his horn as high as possible. He clenched his teeth as sweat began to form on his face. He was going to do this. A faint orange glow enveloped his horn and gradually grew brighter and brighter. A bright flash finally went off.
Spike looked down, and sure enough there was his bushy black mustache. He looked over to Snips and Snails. Snips was admiring Spike’s new mustache; while, Snails was panting with exhaustion.
“Well done my friends! Now put on your costumes.” Spike produced more than anypony could reasonably expect from that tiny little box. A pair of ponchos, two oversized sombreros and acoustic guitars later the trio was now out seeking villainy to right.
The notorious pudding rustler couldn’t have gotten far. The best place to hunt for pudding rustlers would be at the largest pudding depot this side of the Delemare River. The trio entered the place of business with the intent of protecting it from evil and possibly eating some pudding.
“Ohh! Are you playing dress up? I love dress up! It’s one of my top three hundred and seventeen favorite games to play!” Pinkie Pie gasped and disappeared for a few seconds. She returned in the outfit that almost started a war. “So Spike what are and your friends supposed to be? Wait! Guessing games are one of my top three hundred and seventeen games to play too!” The trio was sitting mouths agape, their brains trying to catch up with everything Pinkie had just said. “Are you a mariachi band? I just love mariachi bands. But then who are you Spike? You don’t have an instrument! Oh wait I have lots of instruments! I have tubas and trombones and trumpets and drums and banjos and harmonicas and-”
“Hold fair pastry chef!” Spike cracked a piece of rope he brought with him. “We are no mariachi band! I am El Spikeo the legendary crime fighter who strikes fear into the hearts of evildoers! Come noble bards tell my tale!” Snips and Snails cleared their throats and levitated the guitars Spike had provided.
“Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale
A tale of a fateful trip”
“Not that song! The one about me” Spike rubbed his claws against his face in frustration
“Right. Sorry Spike” The Dragon groaned as Snips and Snails cleared their throats again and prepared to sing. They began strumming on the guitars, and to their credit it was only slightly off key.
“El Spikeo!
He is the bravest of Banditos!
His diet is entirely rubies and tortillas!
He saves and woos all the pretty senoritas!
El Spikeo! El Spikeo! El Spikeo!” Both colts’ voices cracked unable to hit the high note Spike had written into the music. The both panted in exhaustion from singing.
“C’mon guys that was only the first verse!”
“Ooh I love it! Love it! Love it! Love it! It would be perfect for the masquerade ball that’s going on tonight! I have to watch the store because the Cakes are catering for it and they need to make more pudding because we are all out! It just all disappeared. No one knows who took it or why. Isn’t that strange?”
Snips and Snails gasped interrupting Pinkie’s story
“El Spikeo! The Pudding Bandit has struck again!” Now it was Pinkie’s turn to gasp and surprise, she hadn’t realized a pudding bandit was on the loose.
“El Spikeo you must capture this purloiner of pastries! This Stealer of Sweets! This Conartist of Confections! This Robber of of… What’s a good “R” word for goodies?”
“Never fear! El Spikeo is on the case!” Spike drew his sword and ran out of Sugarcube Corner his sidekicks close behind him.
“Where would the pudding bandit hide his loot?”
“I don’t know Spike.”
“I know you don’t know Snips I was being rhetorical.”
“Uh… What does rhetorical mean?” Spike again palmed his face. He took out the comic book he read the other night. The villain appeared to be romancing the beautiful governor’s daughter at the ball, where the hero was hiding in disguise.
“To the boutique!” Snips and Snails looked confused but followed the oddly enthusiastic Spike. Spike halted in front of the boutique. He removed his hat mask and black cape. “None save you my faithful squires must discover my secret identity.”
“But didn’t Pinkie Pie?”
“None but you. Stay here”
Spike entered the boutique stroking his exquisite moustache, he was prepared to be calm and cool, suave and bold, and without a doubt today he would charm the beautiful Rarity. He felt something prick against his leg. He prepared himself for his big chance; he would sweep her off her hooves, and use all the romantic talk the hero had used. He shut his gulped and ran into the main room to profess his love.
“Oh my desert flower I am here to pledge my undying love to your incomparable beauty. Come let us run away together!”
“Spike? What are you doing?” Spike opened his eyes.
“Hi Sweetie Belle” He said sheepishly “Is Rarity here?”
“Umm…no. She’s out preparing for the masquerade ball. What were you saying about undying love and stuff?”
“Umm nothing. We just… uh… need fancy suits for the masquerade ball tonight.”
“We? Who’s we?” Sweetie Belle looked confused. Spike realized he had asked his entourage to wait outside. He held up one finger and rushed back outside.
“Gentlecolts if you would care to follow me.” It took several minutes of explaining and Sweetie Belle going to through Rarity’s inventories, but they finally found clothes in the sizes for Snips and Snails. Sweetie Belle aspired to be a great tailor like her sister, and if she had to judge her own work, this would wow any single one of the famous fashion designers Rarity talked about.
Spike did his best to keep his opinions to himself; whereas, Snips and Snails were genuinely impressed.
“These are the bestest outfits ever Sweetie Belle!” Snips piped up.
“Well mines cooler!” Snails responded. The trio looked to Spike to say which was the best outfit. He began scratching his head looking at the outfits. The certainly were… unique. He struggled for words, his desire to say how ugly the plaid suits with big bulky elbow patches looked and be honest and his desire to not make Sweetie Belle, Snips, and Snails feel bad.
“Enough of this. We have to put our heads to catching the pudding bandit.” Spike reached once again into the box he was carrying with him and produced the suit and cane Twilight had made him for the gala.
“How big is that box?”
“Quiet Snips I’m thinking how we can get into the masquerade ball.” He began pacing. “Music” The pair began strumming their guitars, still out of tune.
“Stop stop stop you’re doing wrong.” Sweetie Belle took a guitar and actually began tuning it. She then fixed the next one, and happily began strumming a tune. Snips and Snails bowed their heads in shame, clearly she was their superior.
“Excellent. Sweetie Belle teach them to play guitar while I think of a plan to get us into that ball.” Spike paced back and forth building a static charge as he walked. He would reach one end of his route and shock Snips and upon reaching the other he would shock Snails.
“Umm Spike.”
“Not now Sweetie Belle I think I’m on to something.” Snails yipped in pain. “Hmm… but would they believe the wooden horse was a gift?” He shocked Snips. “Perhaps we could dig a tunnel.”
“Umm Spike.”
“But we don’t have enough spoons or time to dig a tunnel.” Spike put his claw out and shocked Snails “Maybe I could mail myself as a package to the ball and be carried in by the mail mare. No that’s a bad idea.”
“Spike!”
“Yes Sweetie Belle?”
“I can get you into the masquerade ball.” Spike was ecstatic and rushed over to hug Sweetie Belle who stepped out of the way and let him shock Snips with his hug instead.
“But I need you to do me a favor…”
“Spike I really don’t want to do this.”
“Me neither!”
“Quiet you two. Sweetie Belle said she would get us in, if we took her friends with us. So you two need to invite Scootaloo and Applebloom to the ball.”
“How come you don’t have to ask anypony out?”
“Yeah!”
Spike again rubbed his head. He took a deep breath a prepared to explain. “Look. We need to get into the dance. I’m going with Sweetie Belle to impress Rarity by being nice to her sister and showing her a good time. You two are getting in by going with Sweetie Belle’s friends. Got it?”
Snips and Snails sighed “Being your sidekicks isn’t as much fun as you made it sound.”
“You want pudding don’t you?”
“Well-”
“That’s right now go.” The two unicorns sighed and resignedly went to go ask the remaining Cutie Mark Crusaders to the dance. Spike made a trip back to the library to retrieve the remainder of his comic collection. He would need all the inspiration he could get if he was to defeat this dastardly pudding thief.
He returned to see Carousel Boutique a veritable war zone. Dresses and shoes littered the floor as Applebloom and Scootaloo were trying on various outfits. Scootaloo had finally found one she would accept, but there was a problem. There were no holes for her wings.
“I can fix it!” Spike winced as Snips decided to make himself useful. His cutie mark was for cutting things in theory he should best equipped for making holes in a dress. Spike was worried seeing several dresses with badly punched holes in them already. Thankfully Snips managed to fix this one quite nicely. Scootaloo spread her wings and stretched them, nodding in satisfaction with the work. The slightly puffy red dress blended nicely with Scootaloo’s hair and mane. Applebloom had picked a very sleek green dress that seemed to sparkle which contrasted nicely with her red mane. Sweetie Belle had picked out a blue dress similar which seemed to mirror Rarity’s red gala dress, but in blue. Snips and Snails still looked like a mess, but they had greatly improved with Sweetie Belle combing their otherwise messy manes. She had done her hair up in an elegant bun, again like her big sister was wont to do. Applebloom had put her mane into a braid with her trademark bow at the end, while Scootaloo left her mane unchanged.
Scootaloo and Applebloom seemed more fixated on the idea of catching this pudding bandit and maybe getting some cool super hero cutie mark. Unfortunately for Spike Sweetie Belle actually wanted to attend the masquerade ball for the ball part of it. That meant he would have to dance and do all the girly stuff. He wasn’t looking forward to that, but maybe Rarity would see what a gentledragon he was and be impressed.
Night fell, and the six made their way to town hall. Rarity had outdone herself with decoration, brightly colored floral displays ringed the room. It was obvious Rarity had thrown herself into this project with her usual vigor. Giant masks obscured many faces, of both ladies and gentlecolts, all cut in the same simple black pattern narrowing towards the middle and branching like an enormous butterfly. It was the perfect disguise; he could hide as El Spikeo in plain sight. Unscrewing the top of his cane he slid his prop sword into the hollow shaft. Popping the cane head on the end of his sword it made a rather nice pommel. The six donned their masks and went in.
As they were shown to their table by a mustached pony, Spike spotted his quarry. Sitting at the long banquet table, was Prince Blueblood, eating pudding in a condescending manner that only he could manage. Spike pointed to Prince Blueblood, Snips and Snails immediately realized he had to be that dastardly pudding bandit. How else could he have delicious pudding when the rest of the town was bone dry unless he took it all? How would he get to the table to confront Prince Blueblood without drawing too much attention was the question vexing Spike when Sweetie Belle provided the answer in the form of a question “Who wants to go dancing?”
“Bleh no.” Snips and Snails nodded in agreement to Scootaloo’s sentiments.
“Aw I wanted to dance too.” Applebloom looked saddened by this turn of events. Snips cleared his throat before getting up.
“Fine I’ll dance with you Applebloom” The four made their way to the dance floor.
The band was in full swing, they were playing a jaunty tune, with castanets, a trumpet, and an impressive string section lead by a bass playing gray mare and an almost identical mare with a blue mane and a violin. The waltz carried about it a whirling tempo as Spike did his best to make it to the main table. He was forced to turn away though when he saw who was sitting next to Prince Blueblood.
He couldn’t let Twilight see him. If she’d already been to the library then she would know about the mess, and even if she hadn’t she would suspect his mustache and give away his cover. Spike would need a new tactic. Sweetie Belle was a better dancer than Spike expected given her capacity to cause mass destruction. Then again he was one to talk he’d nearly demolished Ponyville himself. Snips at least seemed to be enjoying himself, talking Applebloom through several dips and twirls and being a far better dancer than one would expect from a unicorn so socially awkward. Applebloom was impressed by Snips dancing ability and wore a big smile across her face.
The song came to a halt and the band announced they would take a break before beginning their next set. Returning to their table they found Scootaloo with her face in her salad and Snails droning on about gastropods. For someone who understood so very little, he could drone on about those slimy little critters for hours. The food had thankfully arrived, and like all fancy dinners was under portioned. The salad consisted of a few leaves of spinach and some asparagus. It wasn’t particularly good, and Spike hoped the later courses would improve. They didn’t. A mashed alfalfa appetizer followed, and then some daffodils and daisies were the entrée. Spike felt a little queasy after consuming so many plants. He could eat them in small doses, but they were no substitutes for gemstones. The band resumed playing Spike was again on the dance floor doing his best to come up with a solution, when he spotted it. The ill-gotten loot. There in the kitchen was an enormous vat of pudding.
“Senoritas I believe we have to bid you adieu. Snips and Snails with me!” The Cutie Mark Crusaders looked bewildered at Spike’s strange amalgamations of language. The trio snuck their way into the kitchen, standing there were two guard ponies, watching two pegasi pull the vat of pudding into the air and out the exit. The trio looked on from behind a dessert cart. Looking at the cart Spike decided to sample one of the tarts. It tasted awful.
“This dessert is an affront to all that is good in Equestria. We need to give our fellow ball goers a treat they deserve.” Spike had a brilliant idea; he had seen the hero pull this trick a million times before. Walking over to one of the guards he casually began making small talk. Unlike his comic book the guard did not talk back. Spike came up with another idea. He walked away so he could implement it in secret. He had never tried sending a letter to himself before, but he had one in particular that would do the trick. It was the letter Princess Celestia sent to Twilight when Discord broke free it simply read “It is urgent you come to Canterlot immediately” followed by the royal seal. Spike took a deep breath and burned the letter to pieces. He felt the familiar grumbling in his stomach as he rushed back to the guard and belched the message. The guard looked hesitantly at the scroll before unfurling it with his magic.
“Quickly Private we must return to Canterlot immediately. You. Dragon. Keep an eye on the Prince.”
Spike wrung his hands together “Oh I will mi amigos. I will” Spike turned to the two pegasi. “Swap the pudding and the tarts. Quickly!” The pegasi shrugged their soldiers and began switching the deserts. Spike lead Snips and Snails to the band and had a few words with the mare who seemed to be in charge. She did not seem to have any interest in the children, but when Spike made a musical request her face lit up and she accepted all his terms, which included having Snips and Snails join the band for his grand entrance. Spike sat up in the rafters of town hall, he rehearsed his plan over and over again. Securing his rope he prepared for the confrontation with the dastardly Prince Blueblood.
He saw the dessert trays rolling out into the ball room. He grinned, the expression on Blueblood’s face when he saw the awful tarts would be priceless. He looked to the band and saw the were ready, he surveyed the room and saw rather happily that Twilight was talking to Rarity almost as far away from Prince Blueblood as possible. He took one last sweep of the room and saw something that made his heart sink. The three Cutie Mark Crusaders were sitting looking very bored. They had abandoned them, sure Spike felt awful they were his friends and he and his sidekicks had left them. He silently vowed to himself that he and his sidekicks would make it up to them tonight if possible. As the pudding was set in front of Prince Blueblood, a look of grim worry shot across his face. That was all Spike needed, as the band struck up his fast paced tune he swing from the rafters landing feet first right in Prince Blueblood’s pudding, leading to a trio of flower ponies prone to overreaction to ask “Who is that mysterious masked man?”
Then the band picked up and Snips and Snails began their ballad
“El Spikeo!
He is the bravest of Banditos!
His diet is entirely rubies and tortillas!
He saves and woos all the pretty senoritas!
El Spikeo! El Spikeo! El Spikeo!”
The crowd had all turned their attention to Spike. Twilight seemed to have found a nice table to hide under and hope Spike didn’t cause too much trouble.
“I know it is you Prince Blueblood who is secretly the pudding bandit!” Everypony gasped. “I shall bring you to justice for your crimes against confectioners!” Blueblood wiped his lips with a napkin folded it and stood up.
He slapped Spike across the face with it before throwing it to the ground. The entire crowd gasped again. Blueblood cleared his throat and spoke.
“You simple brigand. You think you can defeat me? The Prince Blueblood? I’ve studied for years in the art of fencing.” Blueblood began jabbing a Spike with his horn. The crowd gasped at each swing as Spike parried and tried to get back at the prince. The fight continued all around the hall. Spike had to retreat up the stairs as Blueblood relentless followed him. Spike leaped from the second level grabbing a chandelier and hurling himself through the window.
A mercifully soft hay bale caught his fall. Spike got up dusted himself off and turned to see Blueblood exiting the ball in an exquisite royal rage. Spike ducked into the hay bale to observe Blueblood. A familiar pony was selling flowers outside the ball hoping some colts would express affection for their dates. Blueblood began crushing the flowers without a second thought tossing baskets aside looking for the purple dragon. Spike couldn’t stand for that.
“Stop right there Blueblood. I won’t have you deflowering defenseless fillies while I’m around.” Junebug started laughing at Spike’s declaration for some reason while Blueblood charged the dragon. The two once again met in conflict of steel and horn. The battle raged across Ponyville, Spike once again outmatched jumped into a barrel and hoped for the best. He felt the barrel get lifted and then placed on something. Spike finally felt it was safe to get of the barrel. He was surrounded by crates and suitcases. He was in a storage room of some kind. Well this adventure had gone swimmingly; he put his sword back in his cane and tossed his mask to the ground. He’d messed up again, it seemed all he was good for was being the butt of some cruel cosmic joke. When he grew up he would be some rampaging monster, and while he was little he couldn’t really impress anypony. He sat down atop the barrel and began twirling his hat. Blueblood couldn’t stay mad that long could he? He seemed to have forgiven Rarity for the cake incident, of course the next time the met was a few months later. He could avoid the Prince’s attention for a few months.
Spike fell forward with a jolt. It was as if the room itself was moving. Spike rushed to the door opening it to see he was aboard a Canterlot bound train. Spike fixed his coat and made his way to the rear car. He would jump out and return to Ponyville no problem.
Except of course there was a problem, Spike was invited to sit down with the last person he expected to invite him to do anything. Prince Blueblood recognized him as Twilight Sparkle’s Dragon. Blueblood struck up a conversation of all things about Twilight Sparkle.
“She’s really quite a remarkable mare. My auntie’s prized student you know.” Spike was doing his best, rifling his hand through his pockets to prevent him from trying to strangle the prince. His hands came across something, he had thrown away his masquerade mask, but he still had his original.
“With my massive pudding plan foiled meeting her again was the only bright spot on this dismal trip.” Spike paused maybe Blueblood wasn’t such a bad stallion after all.
“I’m impressed at how well she’s developed. You wouldn’t expect that kind of plot from an egghead.” Nope he was an awful Stallion. Spike felt no remorse about ruining the Prince’s pudding procurement. He gripped the pommel of his cane angrily clutching it. The Prince continued to talking. Spike was on the verge of seeing if he could teleport Princes by burning them. At the very least he would be set on fire. As the conductor entered the room, Blueblood looked up to watch. Spike quickly donned his mask and drew his sword. Blueblood turned back.
“El Spikeo! Where did you come from ruffian? What have you done with Spike?” Blueblood demanded.
“That is none of your concern. Leave Ponyville and never come back. Remember Senor Blueblood I am always watching.” With that Spike cut an “S” onto the Prince’s white dinner jacket and jumped from the window onto one of the last trees in Ponyville. The Prince stared out the window with a dumbfounded look on his face unsure of what just happened.
Spike did it. He had run Blueblood out of town. He had chased the villain off. Nothing could ruin this day. He was going to rush back to the ball and he would make it up to the Cutie Mark Crusaders. He rounded the corner and bumped into a very angry looking unicorn.
“Spike what do you think you were doing? I went home and the library is a huge mess, and then the fiasco at the ball. Rarity says her boutique looks like it was ransacked. You are in big trouble young dragon.” Spike shrunk at Twilight’s words. Mostly because they were true, he had sort of ruined everything. He sighed
“Twilight I deserve whatever punishment you give me, but there is something I need to take care of first.” Twilight raised an eyebrow, but nodded. Spike hugged her leg and ran off towards the ball room.
The cleaning ponies were sweeping up the floor, and it seemed every other pony had already left. The band was getting ready to pack up; Snips and Snails without further direction seemed to have spent the rest of the night playing with the band. Three fillies were sitting at a table looking positively bored. Spike went to talk to the band leader.
“Um excuse me m’am, but do you think you could play one more dance?” The gray mare looked down at the dragon and then at the three fillies who were sitting alone.
“Hold up everypony one more dance.” The rest of the band groaned “Quit your belly aching, besides I can finally use this to prove to Vinyl I have fun.” Spike motioned for Snips and Snails to follow him. The band began a slow tune as the three presented hooves and claw asking for one last dance. The fillies faces lit up, though Scootaloo did her best to hide it. The band played a slow formal dance which eventually slowed and then faded to a stop. It received applause from the remaining six guests. The band took a bow and resumed packing their things. The six went their separate ways, heading back to their respective homes.
“That was really sweet Spike.” Spike turned
“How long have you been watching Twilight?”
“Long enough” The unicorn giggled “C’mon Spike lets go home”
