KNIFER: A User Guide and Manual

by Zyggy

Rating: everyone
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1038

Thank you for purchasing an Experimental Knifer unit. Be safe and read this manual.

Thank you for purchasing an Experimental Knifer unit. To avoid painful and unexpected brushes with death, this manual has been provided for your safety.

Published 2012-01-29 17:15:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-01-29 17:15:01 UTC

KNIFER: A User Guide and Manual

KNIFER: A User Guide and Manual

KNIFER: User Guide and Manual

CONGRATULATIONS! You've just purchased an experimental KNIFER unit of your very own! To ensure that you use your new unit to the very best of his abilities and that you avoid painful, unexpected brushes with death, we've provided you with this manual.

WARNING: This unit is a social recluse and easily agitated. To ensure a long and healthy life, learn when to back off or risk being stabbed to death with a butter knife. We are in no way responsible for any form of injury, property damage, charges, or casualties caused by this unit.

Name: Knifer. Only our SEKAPU unit may call him Knify.

Age: 35

Place of Manufacture: Even we have no freaking idea

Height: Default pony height

Weight: about that of your average stallion, minus a good five pounds.

Length: Ride-able. Please note we are not responsible for any injuries that you sustain for attempting this act.

Your KNIFER unit comes with the following accessories:

One (1) SILVERWARE CASE, which will be carefully guarded at all times unless your unit is in Cured mode.

One (1) TYPEWRITER, which will be used to keep a journal of the events. It even has a backspace key!

Programming

Your KNIFER unit is capable of doing the following:

Social Reclusion: The unit is programmed to automatically avoid any amount of social contact deemed greater than “Small talk” status, and if stuck in a situation greater than said status the unit will attempt to find a way out. Even if it means throwing bacon everywhere.

Promise Keeper: Should the unit make a promise of any sort it will always carry out the promise to the letter, no more and no less. This can be used against you. We are not responsible for any injury that may occur from this.

Survive Death: The unit can survive death so long as it has a promise left to fulfill, and will maintain life as a ghost, only being seen and heard in the moonlight. Again, we are not responsible for panic or injury that this causes.

Removal of your KNIFER unit from Packaging

1: Put the SEKAPU, FABLE, or BLONDEBOLT units somewhere near the box and they will open it, resulting in a somewhat happier KNIFER unit leaving the box. If you hurt any of them, run.

2: Put the CELESTIA unit somewhere near the box. This is not recommended, as it will result in a very angry and violent KNIFER unit being forced out of the box.

3: Open the box yourself. This is for those who want the more standard approach. It is recommended that you knock gently and open slowly, or risk permanent facial damage.

4: Put the NIGHTMARE MOON unit near the box. The unit will force the KNIFER unit to leave the box and change to the Gifted mode. This is not recommended in the slightest. Only perform if you have a death wish.

Reprogramming

After unpacking your KNIFER unit, you can reprogram him into any of the following modes:

Social Reculse (Default)

Loyal (Default)

Angry

Dain Bramaged

Cured

Gifted (Locked)

Ghost (Locked)

Your KNIFER unit comes in Social Reculse and Loyal modes. Social Recluse makes the unit avoid social contact, and Loyal keeps him loyal to his word. The Angry mode is triggered by hurting him, a friend, or just being a jerk to those he cares about. In this mode he will hunt you down, rip out your intestines, and skip rope with them. Or he’ll just beat you bloody.

Dain Bramaged mode is obtained by making the unit fall of a balcony. In this mode he will have a vocabulary limited to “Bubble, Muffin, Cup, Cake, Fwa, Huggles, Derp, Kiss, Fire, Coral, Electromagnetism, Man, The, Fork, Spoon, Knife, Spork, Silver, Ware, Spell.”
The right eye will also become derp’d and will bleed from time to time.
To fix this you must take him to a CELESTIA unit and have her fix him. The eye bleed can only be fixed by sending the unit back to us.

Gifted mode is activated by leaving the unit alone with the NIGHTMARE MOON unit. this will change him drastically, with razor sharp wings made of knives, a horn made of a knife, and tough full body armor. He will become more dangerous and will obey the NIGHTMARE MOON unit, although reluctantly. To fix this mode he must be ordered to do something he would never do.

Ghost mode is activated by the unit’s death while he has a promise unfulfilled. This results in a ghostly apparition that is the unit, only hearable and seeable in the moonlight.
To fix this you’ll need to send the unit and the ghost back to us.

Relationships with Other Units

CELESTIA: Hates her and will become more aggressive around her, possibly even Angry.

MANE SIX PACK: The unit will remark about how similar they look to some ponies he knows.

NIGHTMARE MOON: Hate. Pure, unchecked hate.

ODD FUTURE MANE SIX PACK: Will respond with acceptance and sometimes will hang around them.

BLONDEBOLT: Will protect him against anything, because they are somehow the same pony.

Cleaning

Your KNIFER unit will clean itself, and will turn hostile if you try and observe him doing so.

Rest

Your KNIFER unit will sleep whenever it feels like it should, usually for about six hours.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: Why is the KNIFER unit trying to gouge out my eyes with a spoon?

A: Did you make it Angry?

Q: Why does my unit keeps on having eye bleed even though its vocabulary is normal?

A: It seems your unit has suffered Dain Bramage and was fixed by the CELESTIA unit. Send it back to us.

Troubleshooting

Problem: Your unit is a baby.

Solution: You must have gotten our BLONDEBOLT unit instead! Send the unit back and we’ll send the right one.

Problem: My unit has a liking for CLESTIA and has this weirdly colored hair.

Solution: How the buck did you get the AMNESIA KNIFER unit? That’s not even close to being started?

End Notes

With enough work you might be able to have a healthy relationship with the KNIFER unit! Good luck, you’ll need it.