A Celestial Comedy

by 6scape6goat6

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Human, Original Character, Crossover, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark
Length: 4361

Based upon Dante's Divine Comedy, a brony descends into Tartarus, treks through Purgatory, and ascends to Equestria ... what can we learn from his travels? Please R&R!

After staying up too late studying on the eve of a World Literature exam, a brony goes to bed only to descend into what seems a dream, yet is too real to be simply a dream. Having fallen into a dark pit he cannot escape on his own, he is rescued by none other than Discord. The reformed Spirit of Chaos guides the brony through the Circles of Tartarus, the Tiers of Purgatory, and the Spheres of Equestria, where our hero learns the reward of staying the course despite such obstacles as hatred, intolerance, and disappointed fans.

Published 2013-02-25 05:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-11 22:02:04 UTC

Canto 1: The Descent

Canto 1: The Descent

I yawned as I closed my World Literature textbook, turned word-weary eyes to my clock. It read 1:37.

"Okay, it's time for bed." I didn't bother changing out of my day clothes, so I made straight for my bed. As I leaned into the bed, I seemed to slip right through the sheets, the mattress, and the floor. It took me a second, but then I realized I was falling down a black pit, spinning out of control.

I finally screamed as I thought I was about to die, but as my scream died out, a chorus more joined me.

Looking around, I saw others falling with me, down down down into the nothingness. I tried to stop my constant spinning, but someone bumped into me and made me spin faster. I kept catching glimpses of a red light below me. As I fell closer and closer, I wondered if the descent into Hell looked like this.

The red light came closer and closer, and the screams grew louder and louder. I screamed again as a bottom appeared through the redness, thinking my end had come ... then, as I stopped, everything went black.

Later...

I groaned as I opened my eyes, but at first all I could see was darkness.

Okay, buddy, where are we?

I looked around me, hoping to get some kind of bearings to my location, but the red light had disappeared. All I could see in the dimness was a dense forest that seemed to stretch on for eternity.

I soon decided that it was worse to stand still, so I began to wander, although I figured I'd end up walking in circles. After all, I figured, that's what happens in dreams.

However, as soon as I made that choice, a sunlit hill appeared before me through the trees. An inexplicable joy filled me as I rushed for it, but then at its base a creature barred the way.

It resembled a wolf, but upon seeing it clearly in the light I saw it was made of bark and branches. Baleful green eyes glared down at me, a snarl building in its throat.

"What the..." I asked aloud, "...a timberwolf?"

It suddenly howled, and the beast was joined by two more, one rounded one side of the hill to face me. They advanced as one, taking a step forward, to which I answered with a step back. We continued to step one at a time till I returned to the sylvan shadows, then they stopped advancing and simply watched where I reentered the forest.

I tried to go around them, but they, as if sensing me, would follow where I would go, ensuring that I couldn't leave the woods. A desperate longing to go into the light filled me, but I knew that I could not reach it for fear of being eaten ... or getting splinters.

Really, dude? I wondered, You're worried about getting splinters over getting eaten by monsters in a strange place with no hope of rescue?

As I thought this, a bright light flashed behind me, causing the timberwolves begin to bark and growl in my direction. I spun around to see in the darkness of the deeper forest a tall, lean figure whose exact features were hidden by the shadows.

"Please," I cried, desperate, "help me out here, whoever you are!"

"And here I thought we had enough humans coming into Equestria these days." A bored-sounding voice replied.

I froze as I recognized the voice. It couldn't be ... could it?

The speaker approached, entering better lighting, and I couldn't help but gasp as my suspicions were confirmed. He had the head of a horse, the wings of a blue bird and a bat, a horn and antler, a feathered torso, a lion's paw, an eagle's talon, the legs of a lizard and donkey, and a dragon's tail.

Yep, I thought, it's Discord.

He looked down at me, and I couldn't help but be daunted by his appearance and the knowledge of his powers. However, he smiled at me and I also couldn't help but remember that he was "supposedly" reformed in season three.

That still didn't hold water for me.

"So, you are still human," he observed, "so you obviously weren't transformed into a pony, neither of which are very original." He struck a thoughtful pose. "Now, the problem is deciding what to do with you."

That comment scared me. "Please," I quickly said, "I don't want to cause any trouble, I just want to get out of here!"

"So do most of them," Discord countered, "but they all end up staying." His grin turned sinister and his yellow and red eyes seemed to glow in the dark. "Do you know what happens to bronies who stay here too long?"

I shook my head.

"They usually end up falling into the Black Pit, Tartarus."

"I ... I--"

"However, some can manage to earn a place in the middle grounds, Purgatory. But then, the chosen few get to stay in Equestria itself. Where will you end up?"

"Can I just get out of this forest? I'll do anything!"

"REALLY?!?" he asked, suddenly interested.

"S-sure," I stammered.

"Then could you put in a good word for me to the princesses, if you make it that far, that is?"

"Canterlot? Am I in Equestria?"

"No, my dear boy. You are in the Everfree Forest. To get to Equestria from where you stand is to travel through Tartarus and Purgatory, and then you get to go into Equestria."

"Wait, hold up, I thought you were reformed by Fluttershy, you still need a good word put in for you?"

"Well, I may have slipped up a little, but that's neither here nor there. So, do we have a deal?" He held out his paw.

I couldn't help but feel like I was making a deal with the devil, but I couldn't miss this chance. If bronies could get to the princesses, then maybe they could send him home!

"We have an accord," I replied, taking his paw and giving it a firm shake.

His smile widened and, turning, snapped his talons. Instantly a flash of red and blue light appeared to my right, and there stood a golden door. Upon it were horrific scenes of humans and ponies in tortured agony.

"Is that..."

"Yes, my little brony," Discord muttered, "THAT is one of many Gates to Tartarus. They're everywhere in Everfree, it's amazing you didn't fall into one on your own. Somepony's looking out for you, it seems. By the way, I didn't catch your name."

"It's Dan, Dan T. Alighieri, but my friends call me Dante."

"Hmm," he hummed, "Well, Mr. Dante, if you'll have me, I'll be more than willing to accompany you on your journey, to make sure you don't stray or fail, as far as I can take you. I cannot yet enter Equestria again till the princesses allow me; that's where you come it. Don't worry, another guide shall take you to them once you enter Equestria."

"I'd be most welcome for a friend in such a place, as I have none here."

"As you are aware, I am familiar with the feeling of being friendless, and I would be grateful if you could be able to call me 'friend' when our journey ends."

"And I, Discord."

"Then shall we?"

"Lead the way, my guide. Uh, one more question..."

He looked at me.

"Is this a dream?"

"Is it?" He asked in return. I shrugged, and we began to walk.

And as we approached the door, the Gate opened, revealing a fiery blue light and loosing the screams of ultimate suffering. I was tempted then to not go in, but Discord put a reassuring paw on my shoulder, and we entered together.

Canto 2: Tartarus, The River Styx

Canto 2: Tartarus, The River Styx

As we passed through the Gate, I felt as if the breath in my lungs was sucked out of me then forced back in in an instant. I blacked out for that moment, but once I regained consciousness, I looked around to see to where we had come.

I found myself staring into a trio of canine jaws, drooling venom with the breath of death blowing into my face with each dog-like pant.

"Cerberus?" I asked in a small voice.

"Quite, Dante." Discord replied. "He is the traditional guardian of Tartarus, or have you forgotten your mythology?"

I chose not to reply to that comment, then I dared to look up into the hell-hound's eyes. They were alternately black pits, twin infernos, and icy pools. Although they might have been fierce, they seemed ... playful? I wasn't a fan of dogs to begin with, but this one ... well, let's just say it wasn't the cutest thing in the world and it looked like it wanted to play.

Discord calmly came up to the monstrous creature and, putting on his best smile, began to scratch behind Cerberus' ears. The panting quickened, blasting further putrid air into my face, as the hell-hound fell over and began to kick rapidly.

"Go on ahead till you come to the River Styx," Discord called, "I'll catch up with you there."

"Right," I muttered as I gave the smelly dog a wide berth and walked towards what sounded like running water. River Styx, I thought, The mythical River of the Dead ... pleasant.

As I walked, I soon realized I wasn't alone. I was afraid Cerberus was following me, but when I looked around I couldn't resist: "I see dead people!" I whispered.

At least, they looked like ghosts. Transparent and bathed in a pale, ashen glow, the spirits of fellow bronies having fallen into the Pit floated down the path towards the black waters. There a line began to form, and there we waited for a long while.

"So," a specter asked in a hollow voice, turning to me, "how'd you fall so far?"

"I..." I didn't really know how I even got here, so I simply shook my head, shrugging.

"Yeah, I ended up in that part of YouTube myself. That's my story. I mean, heh, how many videos of pranks gone bad does it take to damn you to Hell?"

They got damned for *THAT*? I asked myself. But then, that part of YouTube can get pretty nasty...

"How about you?" the first shade asked the girl in front of him. "What's your story?"

"I...I wrote...clop fics."

A fell chorus of "eew" echoed in the cavernous depths, along with a few "That's so WRONG!" and even a "Did you write that one where Rainbow--" was cut off when a booming voice drew their attentions from each others sins.

"SILENCE!!!"

All eyes turned to see a barge approaching the black sand shore. As it made its way closer, what I thought was the sound of water became more clear, and it turned into the mournful sound of tired moaning.

Steering the barge was an equine figure cloaked in a black hood and cape, his hooves holding a pole that speared through the surface of the River Styx.

"FOALS!!!" he cried, even though he was close enough to be heard at a normal voice, "DAMN THEE, DAMN THY SOULS!!! DAMNATION AND ETERNAL SUFFERING AWAIT THEE!!! THOU HAST BEEN WEIGHED, THOU HAST BEEN MEASURED, AND THOU HAST BEEN FOUND WANTING!!!"

"A-a-a-and, here. We. Go." Discord muttered. I turned to see he had indeed caught up with me, and he was in the process of wiping off greenish slobber from his face and torso. I resisted the urge to rub it in, snickering to myself.

If he noticed me snickering, he didn't show it as he continued towards the shore, cutting through the line of specters, all of whom had a reaction to his appearance. Some of it was that of a die-hard fan seeing their idol, others were "meh", the rest were freaking out about how he shouldn't have been redeemed in Season Three.

"Man, Discord," I whispered, "you sure caused a controversy."

"I'd rather not discuss it." He said curtly.

"sorry," I quickly apologized, realizing it must still be a tender subject for the spirit of disharmony.

"DISCORD!!! the ferrycolt cried out, "WHAT BRINGS THEE BACK TO THE REALMS OF THE DAMNED!?! YOU RECEIVED YOUR PARDON, NOW LEAVE AND ALLOW THOSE POOR, UNFORTUNATE SOULS TO BOARD AND BE FERRIED TO THEIR RIGHTFUL PLACE!!!

"One, could you stop using the Royal Canterlot Voice at me? It still hurts my ears. Two, stop referencing movies. That job (thanks to these assembled sinners) belongs to Pinkie Pie. Three, I have no intention of staying. I'm helping this one--" he pulled me forward, "--get out of here in exchange for a favor."

"Reply the first, my apologies, Discord. It's a force of habit to get your voice heard over the screams of human souls. Reply the second, the Internet references these bronies make tend to stick with you after a while. Reply the third, WHAT!?!"

"You heard me, I'm trying to get this brony home. Danny here, it would seem, doesn't want to move in with this lot."

"None of them do, Discord, but rules are rules. Neither you nor I can--"

"Buck the rules! What fun is there in living by the rules?"

As they continued to argue, I took a peek around me, as per habit of visiting a new place. There didn't seem to be a ceiling, unless you count a swirling mass of darkness and redness and whiteness as a ceiling. The walls looked like the ceiling, except crystallized. The River Styx, however, was the freaky part.

The river wasn't water, but liquefied souls. In the inky blackness I could make out thousands of tortured faces, some of which tried to rise from the depths, only to be mercilessly smacked back down by the ferrycolt's oar.

"FINE!!!" The ferrycolt exclaimed, startling me. "I'll take you two into Tartarus, but after that your fates are your own."

"That's all we ask!" Discord replied cheerfully as we boarded. The other souls didn't move, as if invisible chains kept them back. I took one last look at them. What a pitiful end, I thought, to think, I might have joined them where it not for Discord's intervention.

I looked at my guide. "Thanks,"

He looked at me. "For what?"

"For not letting me become like them."

"Ha, you think it was all out of my good nature?"

"No, not really, but thanks anyway."

He laughed, "I think you and I are going to get along fine."

Canto 3: Tartarus, Fear

Canto 3: Tartarus, Fear

The barge floated across the river of souls towards an impenetrable darkness that hide the far shore. The silence -- save for the moaning of the river's souls -- was getting to me, and so I decided to ask Discord a few questions.

"Say, Discord?" He turned, giving me his attention. "What all does it take to be sent here?"

"Ah, a question of the ages. It varies from brony to brony. Some did as little as enjoy the wrong kind of YouTube video, others went as far as to write clop fics." The last two words he said as if they left a bad taste in his mouth. "However, as it is written, 'the wages of sin is death', so no matter your sin, if you do not repent you will be condemned to all of eternity here."

"Ouch." I grimaced, thinking of the damned on the shore. "So, what kind of ... punishment is faced here in Tartarus?"

"That depends on the Circle," Discord replied. "There's the first Circle: Fear, which we are about to enter. Wait for it ... wait for i-i-i-i-it!"

I looked up, and indeed, the great darkness loomed above us like a tidal wave of shadow just about to swallow us up.

"What gulp what's in there?"

"One's darkest desires..." Discord whispered dramatically, "...and worst nightmares."

I gulped again.

There was relative silence outside the darkness, but then, as we passed into the shadow, screams and wails and sinister laughter resounded in my ears. It reminded me of a haunted house, where ghouls and goblins would torment those mortals foolish enough to enter there.

The ferrycolt struck a light and gave a lantern to Discord, who held it up over our heads to light the way. Soon we reached the dock on the far shore, and as we departed I could here the ferrycolt muttering about being set behind schedule as he shoved off again.

Discord kept the lantern and started walking inland, me close behind. We came upon a rundown looking mansion riddled with broken windows and holes in the walls. I was about to say something, but then a human soul leapt from a fourth story window and fell to the ground with a bloodcurdling scream.

He hit the ground with a sickening crunch, but even as I flinched he got back up and tried to shamble away, his broken body giving out from under him. He fell, twisting so he fell on his back.

I rushed over to him, my better nature wanting to help him, but as I came up to him I saw his face.

It was so pale that calling it white wouldn't quite give someone the right idea of how ashen it looked. His mouth was agape in horror and agony, and his eyes were so wide that they seemed that if they were any wider that they would roll from his sockets. He also wasn't breathing, so I assumed he was dead.

Then he screamed again, long and loud, his face further twisting from terror.

"What have you seen," I asked, "to be so afraid?"

He stopped screaming and, slowly turning his head to face me, began to whisper.

"I see all that I was afraid of in life: the dark, monsters under the bed, death, heights, spiders, first days of school, being alone, things that refused to let me take a side. I had friends that were bronies, I had friends that were not. I was too afraid to take a side, for fear of not having friends or being made fun of.

"So I am damned to forever be in fear of everything, no longer what might be, but what is!" Then he resumed his shrieks and began to writhe in pain.

Discord came over and stood beside me over the victim of fear. "Have you ever been afraid?" he asked.

"Yeah, I am human after all."

"Of what?"

"Well, when I was little I was afraid of mummies, still kinda am."

"Not that kind of fear."

"Oh," I thought for a moment. "Yeah, I was afraid that I wouldn't be accepted by my friends if they knew that I was a brony."

"Were you not?"

"Some still did, heh, I even got a few to join the herd. Others told me that they lost respect for me."

"Did it really matter?"

"I guess not, they are still my friends. If it really bothered them that much, they wouldn't have been real friends, would they?"

"That's up to you, we've never had that problem."

"True that," I muttered as another leapt from the mansion only to fall so far. "What is that place?"

"That is where those consumed by fear go to face their worst fears. They never get far though."

As if on cue, creatures that looked equine came out of the doors of the mansion carrying poles with nooses on the ends. They were ponies in form, but they had no faces or other distinct features. I couldn't help but think "Slenderpony" as they caught the souls by the necks and dragged them back inside kicking and screaming.

"Not many come here," Discord continued, "but personally this might be one of the worst of the Circles."

"How many Circles are there?" I asked.

"Eight. There's Fear, then Lust, and then Mockery. Then there's Spite and Anger, um ... Intolerance and then Deceit. And last, but not least, Disloyalty."

"So those sins make bronies come here?"

"Pretty much."

"Wow." I couldn't help but wonder how many of those sins I had committed to have come here.

"Well, there's not else to see here," Discord sighed, "Shall we continue?"

"Might as well," I said, "I don't want to spend too much time here, if you know what I mean."

"Same here."

We resumed walking leaving the screams behind us.

Canto 4: Tartarus, Lust

Canto 4: Tartarus, Lust

We continued to walk, and as soon as the screams of terror faded into nothingness the darkness was blown away by a mighty gale. I covered my eyes, expecting to be blinded by the returning light, but when Discord tapped my shoulder I lowered my arm.

There was not much more light than was back in the Circle of Fear. In the twilight I could see that we were on a bluff overlooking a windswept wasteland riddled with dust and wrinkled with dried out riverbeds. Black specks circled overhead and more were scattered and blown across the ground.

The wind slapped against my face, and in the wind I thought I heard moaning and wailing. "What the..." I started to ask.

"The cries of the lustful." Discord answered my unfinished question.

"So, this is the Second Circle: Lust?" I asked, looking at him.

"Indeed. Those bronies and Web surfers who seek to gratify their baser desires through perverted means such as pornography and the like. Most of them end up here."

I turned back to the wasteland, and I wondered what the punishment was for those who wound up here.

Discord started to walk down the bluff, and a gust of wind from behind shoved me after him. The bluff was rather high up, so it took a while to get to the bottom. Reaching the foot of the bluff, we started across the wasteland.

Seeing all the dried up rivers, I wondered if I was thirsty only to realize I wasn't.

"Hey, Discord?"

"Hmm?"

"Why aren't I thirsty?"

"You're technically dead, so you're 'liberated' from such needs as food or water, unless such needs remain with you as per your punishment."

"Aha."

Suddenly, another gale blow at us, nearly knocking me off my feet.  Carried with this gale was a mournful cry, which intensified as some of the black specks came at us. As they came closer, they grew larger till I could see their true forms ... as human souls.

About five of them, three males and two females, flew over our heads and into the bluff. As I involuntarily winced, they were dragged against the bluff by the wind up the bluff and back into the cavernous sky.

"Was that what I thought it was?"

"If by 'it' you meant five perverted souls blown about by the winds of their lust, never to find wholesome peace, then yes, it was what you thought it was."

"Aha."

We continued to walk till we reached the eye of the cyclonic winds, which encircled a forever-high tower, out of which came sounds of sensual ecstasy. The souls of those blown about by their lust would be dangled just out of reach of the tower, then blasted away before being reeled in and then blown away in a vicious cycle.

"If I didn't know better, I'd call that cruel." I commented.

Discord didn't say anything, but instead looked up at the souls for a while. I joined him, and then decided to call out to them to learn of their sins.

"HELLO!" I hollered, "WHAT HAVE YOU ALL DONE TO HAVE EARNED THIS DAMNATION!?!"

The winds shifted, and the souls lined up and were paraded over me as they began to cry out:

"We are those who let ourselves be consumed--"

"--By our baser desires--"

"--We thought it harmless enough as long as we didn't go further--"

"--After all, it didn't hurt anyone as long as no one else knew, right?"

"But we were wrong--"

"--Oh so wrong--"

"--The images, the sounds--"

"They invaded our everyday thoughts and actions--"

"--We were compelled by our desires but now--"

"--WE ARE CONSUMED BY IT!!!"

"Some of us simply watched or listened or read--"

"--But still others went further than that--"

"--We created our own fantasies through a disgusting window of opportunity--"

"--Clop fiction!"

I grimaced. I had heard about that kind of stuff, but had never wanted to read it ... except out of a morbid and twisted sense of curiosity.

"Come to usss, mortal..."

"Yesss, come into our tower, weary traveler..."

"Come, weary traveler, and we ssshall give you ressst..."

"Ressst and pleasssure..."

"What is that?" I asked.

"The siren's call." Discord replied. "They call out from this tower to those who are tempted to give into the baser desires of the flesh. They are nothing more than demons, akin to the Changelings as their feed off of their victims, but these ones feed off not off of love, but lust, despair, agony, passion, baser emotions."

"BEWARE, TRAVELER!!!" the souls cried out. "They mean not to give you pleasure, but to send you to join us."

"We are slaves here, and they are our mistresses! We cannot disobey!"

"We must feed them!"

"Woe is us in our torment!"

"Free us, merciful Celestia, from our bonds!"

"We didn't know--ARGH!!!"

They were cut off as pink and red energy erupted from their chests and flowed into the tower through the windows. The sounds of ecstasy increased to an irresistible level. I felt myself getting hot from the noise.

Discord, seeing what they were doing to me, ran up to the tower and gave the wall a bang or two. "HEY, CAN IT YOU HAGS!!! HE'S NOT HERE FOR YOU TO PLAY WITH!!!"

The sounds lessened and I felt reason return to my senses. "Wha?"

"That was close." He simply said. "We'd better get out of here."

"R-Right."

We walked around the tower and towards the far horizon, the sounds of the souls' wailing fading behind us into the background.