Nicolas Cage In Equestria
Nicolas Cage in Equestria
***
Author’s Note: I don’t even…
***
The actor’s vision was a blur as he regained consciousness. It was all a dim memory. He knew he was in a helicopter as part of shooting for his new movie that his agent promised would be a big hit. But all of a sudden, a great flash of multi-colored light blinded him. He could feel the chopper spinning out of control as he blacked out. But now that his vision returned, he clambered out of the wreck which still smoldered as the pilots lay lifeless in the cockpit.
“Damn.” He thought.
Nick turned around to see a completely contradictory sight. A vast panoramic landscape of rolling hills and meadows surrounded him. Toward the North he saw a small town with a spinning windmill in the center of it. It seemed like a quaint little village. The next logical step, he thought, would be to seek out some help from the inhabitants. However, something else caught his eye. In the distance was a single looming mountain over the town. On its side seemed to be a citadel hugging the face of the cliff. From its grandeur he could tell that the apparent ruler of this country lived. He should get there by any means necessary. But in the meantime, he tensed as he saw something approaching him.
Something Pink.
“What the hell?” he muttered to himself. The bouncing mass obviously wasn’t human. It was some sort of quadruped. As it got closer and closer, Nick couldn’t help but think to himself, “Is that a pony? And why does its hair look like cotton candy? How long ago did I eat those brownies?” As the bewildered actor mused to himself, he didn’t notice the pink pony bouncing closer, and closer, and closer, and closer…
“Hi, Mr. Malus!” squeaked Pinkie Pie.
“Gah!” shouted Nick, almost falling backward in shock. “The hell was that? Who are you? How did you know my name?” Pinkie giggled to herself.
“Silly! It was my Pinkie Sense! When my tail twitches clockwise twice while my left eyelid flutters once and the other one flutters thrice while my left forehoof beats out “Shave and A Haircut,” that means a human just crash landed outside Ponyville! So I came to see if you were alright.”
“But…How did you know my name?” Pinkie grinned almost menacingly
“It was on your name taaaaaaag!” She said in a sing-song fashion.
Nick looked sheepish for a moment as he remembered he was still wearing his prop police badge, but then he remembered the gravity of his situation. He shoved past Pinkie Pie and sprinted for the town up ahead.
“Hey wait! Where are you going?” shouted Pinkie.
“Away from you! I need a person to talk to!”
“But!”
He didn’t hear her. All that mattered was getting to a place with a telephone and or at least real people. Not talking hyperactive ponies. As he ran to the small town, he noticed something was wrong however; more of the damn ponies kept appearing. Some were trotting down the streets casually chatting away as if it were perfectly natural for horses, which usually didn’t have horns or wings he thought as well, to be talking nonetheless. The confusion in the actor’s head swirled round and round about, making everything a blur. Some of the ponies wore bewildered or concerned looks on their faces and tried to approach the stumbling human bumbling about in the middle of the town square. Finally, in an act of a melodramatic ham, Nick sank to the ground and shouted to the heavens.
“GAAAAH! SWEET MOTHER OF GOD, WHERE AM I?!” An orange pony with a trailblazer hat trotted up to him almost nonchalantly and put a hoof on his shoulder.
“Sir, calm down! This here’s just Ponyville. You’re in Equestria for whatever reason.”
Alas, this was too much for the poor, discombobulated actor as his eyes fluttered swooningly as his body dropped to the ground. Nick blacked out as his head hit the dirt with a final grunt. Applejack merely rolled her eyes and helped the unconscious man onto her back. Out of all the ones she’s seen, this one was by far the wussiest, she thought.
***
Nick’s head throbbed violently when he came to. He squinted violently at his new surroundings while jumping to full alert once he remembered what had happened. Despite his cause for alarm, the scene he laid eye on was completely contradictory. It appeared that he was in what looked like a spare bedroom in a farmhouse. The windows let in the morning sunlight as it spread across the hardwood floor and onto the quilt like butter. The sunshine warmed Nick and the calmness of it all bade him to relax. He did so and took interest in the rather odd décor around the room: Apples all around. An apple themed quilt, apple pillows, apple curtains, an apple wood dresser, and pictures of apples hung throughout the room.
The next thing he laid eyes on was that same orange hick pony who talked to him when he passed out looking slightly amused at his bewilderment. She leaned against the doorpost while standing on her hind legs with a smug look on her face.
“Well I hope you’re feelin’ better, sir. You were kinna’ melodramatic back there if ya’ asked me.”
Nick was indignant as he opened his mouth to argue, but couldn’t think of what to say. His mind was still racing and swimming with questions. Applejack seemed to read his mind.
“Lissen’ sir, like I said before, you're in Equestria now, Ponyville to be exact.”
“How did I get here?” he asked scowling. Applejack shrugged.
“Beats me. But this kinna’ thing happens once in a while. Humans gen’rly get back some way or another. However, until then, you’ll be livin’ here in this world indefinitely.”
The thought of having to live among such peculiar creatures disgusted the actor who tore off his sheets and leaped out of bed still dressed in his clothes from the set.
“NO!” he shouted. “I need to get back now! Now get the hell out of my way.” He hollered shoving past Applejack and barreling for the door. Applejack anticipated this and had Big Macintosh brace the door from the outside. Nick comically crashed into the wood and crumpled to the floor once again, dazed. Applejack angrily hoisted him up, impatient with this man’s theatrics.
“Listen!” she yelled now. “We’re tryin’ to help you! We’ll take you to Princess Celestia later if you really wanna leave. But for now, ya’ have’ta find somethin’ to do here in the meantime. I’ve set up a position here at the farm to keep ya’ busy till we tell the princess you’re here. Now follow me!”
Nick thought better of trying to run again since he had no clue where he was and followed Applejack into the orchards.
It was springtime, and the apple trees were in full blossom. It was really quite beautiful. However, the actor only focused on the looming city on the mountain far away. He had a mind to march in and demand the help of this Princess Celestia to send him home out of this insane asylum. In the meantime he marched with Applejack down the road into a clearing that was littered with what looked like white, stacked boxes.
“This here’s our apiary!” stated Applejack proudly. “With the trees in blossom, the farm harvests its very own, top-grade, apple honey!” Nick, having no patience for the procedure of the farm’s operations exhaled sharply. The only question that ran through his mind was: Why me? Why couldn’t I just be back in L.A shooting my new film? Instead, he had to be transported to a world of talking technicolor abominable equine quadrupeds.
“And what’s that got to do with me?” He asked in a droll tone of voice. Applejack handed him a wide-brimmed white hat, white gloves, and a long sleeved white jacket.
“Congratulations, Mr. Malus.” She said dryly. “You’re our new beekeeper. I assume you know how to do it?” Now Nick was simply getting incensed at the orange mare’s sarcasm. He threw on the clothing in a huff and stomped over to the hive box. He grabbed the top of the shelf and ripped it off its hinges in anger.
“Wait! No!” yelled Applejack. “You forgot the smoker!” Too late. Without the smoker to mask the alarm pheromones now swirling around in the hive, Nick was about to enter a familiar world of pain. There came a furious buzzing vibration rattling the box as its inhabitants sensed the intruder and poured out of the box ready to attack. Nick started back in horror as the swarm hovered furiously around him.
“Oh God, what is that, what is that?!” he hollered in his anxiety. The swarm, confirming the bumbling thespian as a threat, started belaboring him with their stings. Nick cried out and ran toward the farm gate screaming all the way.
“Oh God, No! Not the bees! NOT THE BEES! AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGHBLBHBLRBLRGHBHLR!” Applejack ran after him, trying to calm him down.
“Wait!” she yelled. “Come back!” She meant for him to jump into a body of water to evade the bees, but the actor kept running and cursing profusely.
“FORGET IT!” he managed to scream to Applejack. “I’M NOT HELPING YOU HARVEST YOUR GODDAMN HONEY!” Applejack only gave an exasperated sigh as she watched Nick run for the town while yelling something about them being in his eyes.
“Good riddance.” She muttered.
***
Nick collapsed a few hundred meters outside the farm as he couldn’t stand the stinging any longer. He felt as though his consciousness was slipping away from him.
So this is how I’m going to die. He thought. In the land of ponies. Damn. Suddenly, the stinging stopped. Nick thought that he lost his sense of touch, but he looked up to see that the bees were gone. He saw what looked like a yellow pony with a pink mane and wings talking to the bees. Soothing them.
“Now just fly back to your hive. This man won’t bother you anymore.” She cooed in a gentle, sweet voice. The bees consented and flew away. Nick was turned away, brushing himself off, a little unnerved at the pony who could talk to animals. When he felt a tap on his shoulder, he wheeled around to find an equally startled Fluttershy looking up at him fearfully.
“Oh! Sorry! I…Umm just thought I’d ask if you were okay. And… um…” Not hearing any of the pony’s queries of concern, Nick instinctually wound up his fist and punched Fluttershy square in the face. The actor left the crying, bleeding pony in the dust as he continued to run away from the farm. Away from the town. After a good fifteen minutes of nonstop sprinting he paused and rested at the edge of town, tired and stung all over.
That’s it. He thought to himself. I have to get out of this damn town. He looked toward that mountain city hungrily for a minute. That’s where the princess was. That’s where he was headed. But there was no way he was hiking up an almost vertical slope in this state. He needed some method of transportation. But what? He looked around and almost immediately, his prayers were answered. In a clearing, he saw a small, purple hot air balloon that was being inspected by a small unicorn of the same color. He trudged over and waited impatiently until the pony took notice of him. She stood up abruptly and smiled.
“Oh, Hi Mr. Malus!” she greeted cheerfully. “I was just going to Canterlot to consult with the Princess on what to do when Pinkie told me you came to…”
“You mean that city on the mountain?” Nick interrupted hotly. “Then I’m going with you.”
“Uhh, sorry.” Said Twilight, a bit taken aback by his rudeness. “There’s really no room for the both of us.”
“Then I’m going to Canterlot alone.” He said grabbing the ropes of the basket. Twilight held on in defiance, angry at the man’s pushy methods.
“Stop!” she cried. Nick tried to shove her out of the basket.
“Get off the balloon.” Twilight held on.
“Get off the balloon!” he said more forcefully. He gave Twilight another shove, who pushed back at him. Nick pulled out his pistol, cocked it, and pointed the business end at Twilight’s nose.
“Step away from the balloon!” he said in a cop-like fashion. The unicorn reluctantly complied. Without another word, Nick threw out the sandbags and gunned the engine. The balloon rose into the sky and toward Canterlot.
Time to give this princess a piece of my mind. He thought.
***
Celestia was reading over the day’s records over a cup of tea when the throne room doors burst open revealing a tattered looking man with two angry guards trailing behind him. Celestia, not feeling the least bit threatened or even surprised by the human’s presence bid the guards to stand down and let the man in.
“Can I help you?” she said with a smile.
“Yeah you can help me.” Said Nick, short tempered. “You can send me home is what you can do. Zap me with your freaky unicorn shit. I just want to go home!” Celestia narrowed her eyes, but her smile remained intact.
“I’m sorry Nicolas. I’m afraid I can’t let you do that. You see, Twilight sent me a letter informing me of the damaged you caused in Ponyville. You disturbed Applejack’s bees, tore up one of the fields with your flying contraption, punched Fluttershy in the face, and even stole my pupil’s balloon.” The princess’ look was somber now. “It seems to me that you have failed, Mr. Cage.” Nick stood there, bewildered.
“Failed? What do you mean failed? You sent me here?” he looked shocked. Celestia grinned again.
“Oh yes. I bring people to Equestria from time to time whenever I get bored to see how they react. It’s quite entertaining really.” She said through a light chuckle. “However, seeing as you are simply a danger to my subjects, I have no choice but to punish you. I am hereby sending you… TO THE MOON!” she exclaimed in the Royal Canterlot Voice. A golden aura shone forth from her horn, growing into a beam that shot at the actor paralyzed with disbelief.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO…” Poof!
He was gone.
A guard gawked in surprise for a minute and finally worked up the courage to ask a question.
“Uhh, Your Highness?” he said timidly. Celestia looked up and raised an eyebrow.
“Hmm?” she responded. The guard cleared his throat.
“Pardon me for intruding into your affairs, but I don’t think humans can breathe in space, can they?”
Celestia took another sip of her tea and smiled again.
“Oops! I must have forgotten.” She said. Her laughing grin reached her ears.
“Uh, Your Highness? Why do you have a top hat and monocle on?”
***
Nick shivered in the cold that was the void of space. Around his head glowed an aura that must have been full of oxygen keeping him alive. He sat in the moon dust, lamenting his fate.
Why me?
Those were the only words that ran through his mind. He looked up and saw that blue mare coming toward him levitating a plate of something, probably more horrible food she cooked. He wasn’t looking forward to the taste, but it was the only sustenance he could get from this alicorn who called herself, “Luna.”
“I brought you some dinner, Mr. Cage!” Nick snatched up the plate of moon pies. Luna looked a little hurt by his rudeness. Nick caught himself and quickly apologized. Not that he meant it, but this one was keeping him alive in space and it was probably not a good idea to get her angry.
“Thanks for keeping me company!” she said cheerfully again. “I’ve been lonely for so long.” Nick sighed.
“Yeah. You’re welcome, I guess.” He looked down at the plate of moon pies and scowled. There was something quite wrong with them. They looked discolored.
They looked charred.
His confusion turned to a rage at the thought of having to eat overcooked moon pies for God knows how long. He stood up and glared at Luna, shoving the plate at her face.
“What is this?!” he shouted.
“Wha-What do you mean?”
“The food!”
“I-I don’t…”
“How’d it get burned? How’d it get burned?!”
“I…”
“HOW’D IT GET BURNED?! HOW’D IT GET BURNED?!”
