Chapters Behind The Scenes at Friendship Is Magic
Introducing The Director. Also, Twilight
“Yes everything is certain--ly fiiiiine! It’s fiiiiiiiine!”
“Yes! Everything’s gonna be just fine!”
“CUT! That’s a wrap on Twilight Sparkle! And that’s a wrap on season on season three! Congratulations, everypony, stomp yourselves a round of applause, you deserve it!” The Director shouted as episode thirteen of season three was finally in the can. The sounds of a stampede, cheering, and whistling filled the soundstage as the cast and crew obeyed their captain like good little soldiers. Twilight magicked the headphones off her ears as she exited the recording booth. It was obvious that she was not yet use to her wings because they were flared all the way out to their full breadth and they brushed against the doorjamb as she exited. Her friends all gathered around her as they hoof bumped and hugged one another on a job well done. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy gently and somewhat awkwardly helped Twilight close them. Then they walked off together chatting and laughing. Conspicuous by their absence were the Goddess Princesses. Obviously they had important royal duties to attend to that were far beyond my station as a journalist to comprehend.
I was invited to the Friendship is Magic Studios in Manehattan on the final day of filming the last episode of season three. This season was only half as long as the first two and the series creator and head writer had long since gone on to greener pastures. However, in this pony’s humble opinion, the quality of the episodes had not declined. For a long time I had wanted to interview the cast of the most popular show in Equestria, however Sapphire Shores was much to busy. So, here I am on the set of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic getting ready to interview the cast of the second most popular show in Equestria. Even though the shows target demographic is fillies, it reached second in the ratings overall because of an unexpected fan base, stallions. It is first in the ratings with stallions just narrowly beating out the former forerunner, Equestria Championship Wrestling. I could not wait to get started, however, before I spoke to the cast I figured that I should talk to the Director.
The Director was in his office on the telephone, the door was closed and his back was to me. He was a navy blue Unicorn with a short black mane and tail, both of which were starting to gray. He wore a black vest and a black beret, and his Cutie Mark was that of a clapperboard that was slightly open. He held the receiver up to his head with a pale green glow. He was shouting something incomprehensible at the pony on the other end of the line and pounding both his forelegs on his desk. He slammed the receiver back onto the cradle. He massaged his temples with his fore hooves and heaved a sigh. When he turned around and saw me, he smiled and waved me in.
“Well that was fast!” The Director said, impressed, as I entered his office, “I just got off the phone with you guys.” He looked to my right, then to my left, then behind me. Then he cocked his eyebrow and asked, a little louder and annoyed “Well!? Where is it!?”
“Wh-Where is what?” I asked, more than a little confused.
“MY LATTE! I just ordered a caramel latte with chocolate shavings! You’re from catering aren’t you?”
“No, I am Camerashy; I am from Hoof Beat Magazine. I was invited here today to interview the cast of your show.”
“Oh, yeah, I heard about that,” The Director said with a smile. Then he scowled and added, “It’s too bad about Sapphire Shores.”
I cleared my throat, looked down at my hooves, and blushed, a little embarrassed. “Yeah, it’s a shame.” I said sheepishly.
“Ah, it’s fine, I invited you here, after all.” He said with a huge smile. “The name’s Motion Capture, but everypony calls me ‘M.C.’”
“’M.C,’ huh, sounds pretty cool. You get that nickname in Collage?”
“No, it was that damn DJ that started calling me that, way back when we first hired her for that scene in ‘Suited for Success.’ I don‘t mind it really, it actually does sound kind of cool. Anyway, everypony is here, waiting for you, well, not waiting for you, it’s the last day of filming and there’s a wrap party for the cast and crew. But they know that you are here to interview them. If you need anything just ask the runners and they will do their best to oblige.”
“Just a moment Mr. Capture,”
“Please, Camerashy, call me M.C.”
“I was hoping to ask you a few questions first, M.C.”
“All right, sure. What would our audience like me to tell them?”
“Actually, there are a few questions that I would like to ask you.”
“A fan of the show, eh?” M.C. said with a smug smile as he raised an eyebrow. “You know, stallions were not originally our target demographic. However, they seem to be our largest audience.”
“Yeah, I suppose I am, it’s weird to say out loud, but I guess I am what is commonly referred to in the fandom’s nomenclature as a ‘Brony.’”
“Nomenclature?”
There goes that eyebrow again.
“Twilight is going to love you. What would you like to ask me?”
I knew what he meant, however, that did not stop my heart from skipping a beat when he said it, still, I soldiered on. “This studio seems kind of small for all of the big locations that you have on your show, is this really where you film everything?”
“Oh, no, with the exception of the Everfree Forrest and the scenes that we need the green screen for, which are shot in the soundstage across the street, we shoot every scene on location. This is easier, because most of the cast are residents of Ponyville or Canterlot. This is a recording studio; we just sweeten the songs and dialogue here.”
“And what does that entail?”
“We record the songs and speech on location with the actors singing their parts while they perform the choreography and reciting their lines while acting out the scenes. However, due to forces beyond our control, weather, wind, background noise, and ponies facing away from the microphones, we sometimes don’t get the quality of sound that we desire. So, we bring everypony back here and let the actors sing their songs or recite their lines into the microphone, either one at time or together, depending on the song or scene.”
“You said that the weather is beyond your control, however, I thought that you had one of the best weather ponies in Ponyville working on the show.”
M.C. rolled his eyes, “To hear it from her she is the best Pegasus anything in existence. Anyway, sometimes the script calls for our cast to perform in inclement weather, like in ‘Winter Wrap-Up,’ ‘Fall Weather Friends,’ or ‘Look Before You Sleep.’ So bad weather is sometimes needed.”
“I can imagine doing a big song and dance number in the snow can be exhausting.”
“Yeah, that’s another reason for the recording studio.” M.C. replied with a laugh, “After an exhausting day of dancing and frolicking throughout Equestria, it’s nice to just sit in a soundproof room all day and repeat your lines over and over until you get them the way the director and writers want them.”
“Would you like to share anything else before I go?”
M.C. lowered his voice and beckoned me closer with a wave of his hoof, “Well, there is something that you may not know about Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie.”
I leaned closer and in a hushed voice I asked, “What would that be?”
M.C. darted his teal eyes back and forth to make sure nopony was around to hear him divulge this juicy bit of gossip. “They don’t sing their own songs on the show.”
My eyes were filled with disbelief and my mouth was agape as I said “No…”
“It’s true! Oh, they sing the songs while we tape the show, however, when we bring the product back here, Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie each have their own voices dubbed over!”
I was aghast, “Unbelievable! I mean Pinkie Pie sings more songs than anypony else in the show with a total of fifteen solos. It seems like some sort of sick joke that we do not here her voice when she sings.”
“Well, we do let Pinkie Pie sing when we need a goofy voice for one of her songs. Other than that, their voices are dubbed. It’s the big lie of the show. Excuse me it looks like my latte is finally here. If you don’t believe me, you should go find Twilight Sparkle, she has the least trouble admitting that she can‘t sing.” Leaving me sitting in his office, dumbfounded, M.C. went to fetch his coffee.
I found Twilight Sparkle at the buffet table perusing the different cupcakes, cookies, and mini pies. She held in her violet magical grip a paper plate that contained chocolate chip cookie and mini pumpkin pie. She was eyeing one of the cupcakes that looked like miniature versions of a very popular cake.
“Is that what I think it is?” I asked as my mouth watered, “Is that a cupcake version of-”
“Precisely,” She interrupted, “The Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness. More affectionately known as the MMMM. Given that moniker by Pinkie Pie. Or to be more specific, the scriptwriters. Would you like one? They are really good.”
“I shouldn’t, they’re for the cast. It wouldn’t be right.”
“It’s perfectly alright; there are plenty to go around.”
I was a professional, and a gentlecolt, and it would not be proper to mention my lactose intolerance and gluten allergy, which would always sentence me to long, drawn out periods of extreme… discomfort whenever I indulged in such delicacies. So, with a smile I offered, “Maybe later.”
“Suit yourself; However, I am going to have one.” She said as she magicked a MMMM cupcake to her lips and devoured it.
It finally dawned on me, she was talking to me! I let out a little fancolt scream in my head. “Hello, I’m Camerashy.”
Twilight swallowed her cupcake, smiled slyly, then quipped, “Then it is a good thing that you are not an actor.”
“Ha, funny I haven’t heard that one,” then quietly to myself I added, “yet today.” Then I continued, out loud, “Anyway, I was wondering if I could possibly conduct an interview with you Miss Twilight Sparkle.”
“Sure, however, please, call me Twilight.” She said smiling over her shoulder as she led me somewhere where we could talk in peace.
She said I could call her Twilight! I let out another fancolt scream in my head.
Then she hit me playfully in the snout with her tail and added with a wink, “Or, Miss Sparkle, if you’re nasty.”
A nervous chuckle was all I could muster at the time. I was about to interview THE Twilight Sparkle! And here I was, as tongue-tied as a… as a… Damn it! I was so tongue-tied I could not think of a proper analogy. And to make matters worse, as my mind was racing trying to find the proper analogy, we were still walking and Twilight was speaking to me, and I was not listening. Then it happened, to quote a line from my favorite episode, it was, “The. Worse. Possible. THING!” Twilight had stopped walking and I was so deep in thought that I had failed to notice, and continued walking. And my snout ACIDENTALY and very briefly collided with her… her… Thank Celestia her tail was in the way.
The look on Twilight’s face broke my heart; it was a look that combined disgust, anger, shame, and shock. “How…DARE…you?” Twilight’s voice oozed with hatred and her eyes shot daggers into my soul as she shouted, “Who do you think you are!?”
My orange eyes grew wide with terror as I stumbled backward as fast as I could, falling down on my own plot in the process. I awkwardly clambered to my hooves and bowed down repeatedly, tears steaming down my face as I apologized over and over. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so, so, so, sorry!” I practically wailed, “I wasn’t paying attention! I honestly had no malicious or lascivious intent! Please, please, please forgive me!”
I waited, with my head bowed so low that my chin was resting on the floor for what seemed like an eternity but was probably more like five seconds, for a response. I was expecting to have my teeth kicked out of my scull and then be hauled off to jail for assault. However, above me, all that I heard was a playful giggle and then a full-blown laugh attack.
“Oh, my goodness, you poor thing, I was only kidding! It was partially my fault anyway. I realized that you were not listening to me so I stopped and said, ‘You know, if you don’t start paying attention, you’re going to bump-’ and then you did. The look on your face was priceless; I couldn’t help but tease you.”
“Ah, yes, heh heh,” I chuckled, relieved, as I wiped the sweat from my brow, “I’ve heard rumors that you liked to pull prank on fans of the show. I am so relieved that I haven’t offended you, Twilight Sparkle.”
“I told you to call me Twilight.” Then she added, with a mischievous smile, “Although, considering where your snout was a moment ago maybe you are nasty enough to call me ‘Miss Sparkle.’”
“No! No, (ahem) Twilight will be just fine.”
For a second, I could have sworn that Twilight looked crestfallen. I made point, this time, not to let myself get distracted as we continued walking. We stopped in front of a door that was emblazoned with Twilight’s cutie mark.
“Now,” she said as she turned around, giving me a playful smile, “can you be trusted alone with me in my boudoir or do I need security?”
“You can trust me,” I said playing along. “Even if I did get out of line, I’m sure somepony as powerful as you would have no problem dealing with a mere journalist such as myself.”
“I don’t know,” Twilight said feigning bashful innocents, “a big, strong unicorn stallion such as yourself, might be inclined to take advantage of the situation were there nopony around to keep your baser instincts in check.”
Twilight was trying to flatter me, she was at least two inches taller than I am, “I swear I am as gentle as Big Macintosh.”
“Ugh, Big Mac is a horrible cad.”
“Really?”
“Ha, ha, no, he’s as sweet and gentle as can be!”
I involuntarily groaned face hoofed. I had fallen for another one of her spoofs.
Before we entered her dressing room, something dawned on me. “Just a moment, I just realized something is missing. Twilight, where are you wings?”
“You just noticed that? You’re not a very good reporter it you are just now noticing that.”
By now I have gotten used to Twilight’s particular brand of humor. “Yeah that is why I work for an entertainment magazine interviewing arrogant celebrities and not a reputable news organization interviewing arrogant dignitaries. However, you are dodging the question; what happened to your wings?”
“Already asking the tough questions, I see.” Twilight said rolling her eyes, “The wings were a practical effect created by the effects studio.”
“And what exactly is a ‘practical effect?’”
Twilight was in full on egghead mode at this point. With her eyes closed and her right fore hoof up in the air, her explanation, which sounded recited verbatim from a textbook that she had read on the subject, answered my question. “A practical effect is a special effect in which a prop appears to work in a situation where it obviously could not in real life. They do not use trick photography or post-production techniques. In television, practical effect denotes an effect physically produced on-set, without CGI or other post production techniques.”
Oh, my Goddess, I love it when she does that Miss Know-it-All thing! No! Do not give in to her beguiling adorkableness! Compose yourself!
“So, they were fake? But they looked so real . I mean, you were able to tuck them in, they flapped, they flared, and, if you don’t mind me saying, for a moment there, you even looked like you might have had a slight case of,” I whispered the next two words, “wing priapism.”
“Well, our practical effects artist are very good, and ‘very good,’ is an understatement. Spectacular would be a better superlative. Even though the wings were phony, they were also magnificently crafted. They were designed to fold and unfold, and when unfolded, and attached to my body, they were made to flap when I flexed my withers.”
“Amazing, but if they were fake why were you wearing them in the recording booth?”
“They are fun to wear, and it’s fun to pretend to be a princess.”
“I have never tried to pretend to be a princess, so I’ll have to take your word for it.” I said, deadpan, as we entered her dressing room.
Inside her dressing room, Twilight invited me to sit down in one of the two chairs. I stood in front of the one that did not have her cutie mark stitched into the back and, being the gentlecolt that I am, waited for her to be seated first.
After I took my seat, I said, “For the past three seasons, I have wanted to sit down and have a discussion with the cast.”
“Yes, well, I’m no Sapphire Shores, so I hope you won’t be too disappointed.”
“While it was unfortunate, in more ways than one, that Sapphire Shores’ schedule would not allow her to take time off to be interviewed by a no-name rookie reporter such as myself; I was quite excited when I got the message that I was going to be able to interview you…”
Twilight cocked her head and raised her eyebrow as a smile slowly appeared on her lips.
Damn it!
“Uh, all of you! Everyone in the show. The entire cast. The collective ‘you’ Not you in particular. Well, yes, you will be one of the ‘you.’ In fact you are the best ‘you’- First ‘you!’ But only because M.C. suggested I find you first. You know, because you can’t sing?”
Luna damn it! I was panicking. I needed to calm down and reassess the situation. So I stopped there to take a minute to collect my thoughts and try again, not really remembering the last thing that I just said.
Her smile was gone now, replaced with a look of skepticism, “So, you think that I can’t sing?”
“Um… no! No, M.C. was the one that said that you could not sing. However, he told me to interview you first because you were the one who had the ‘least trouble’ admitting the fact that you cannot sing.”
For the first time since I started talking to her, Twilight seemed genuinely upset. “While it is true that my voice is dubbed over for my songs, it is not a ‘fact’ that I cannot sing. The producers just think that the pony they hired to sweeten my songs is a ‘better’ singer.” Then she hung her head and her ears drooped as she sadly added, “And they’re right, her voice is beautiful. I can’t fault the mare for being good at her job.”
“At least everypony thinks her voice is coming out of your mouth.” I offered with a soothing smile. I wanted to place my fore hoof on her withers to comfort her further, however my professionalism was at war with my chivalry and, for better or worse, my professionalism won out. So, I just tried my best to make my smile even more soothing.
“Yeah, you’re right.” Twilight smiled, “Her efforts do make my voice sound magnificent.”
Whew, crisis adverted. But I just had to ask for future reference. “Was M.C. telling the truth about you taking the voice dubbing the best? Or, was he just messing with me?”
“Oh, no, he was telling the truth alright, you really don’t want to ask Rarity or Pinkie Pie about it. They may or may not become violent.” Her face was deadpan as she added, “Depending on their moods you may get your teeth kicked down your throat.”
At this point, I can no longer tell whether or not Twilight is being serious, so I just nod and say, “Thanks, I shall keep that in mind.”
“That would be a very good idea.”
“If it is not to sore of a subject, which is your favorite song in the show?”
There was a twinkle in her eye; she did not even have to think about the question, her answer came automatically and enthusiastically, “‘Winter Wrap-Up,’ without a doubt.”
“Ooh, great song. It is one of my favorites as well. But, why is it your favorite?”
“It is the first song in which I got to participate. It was also the first song in which the entire population of Ponyville was able to participate. I was so excited that I finally got to contribute my talents to a song. I sang my own lines. It was wonderful. Until the day we came in to sweeten the songs. For three days I sang into that microphone trying to please the director. And on the fourth day M.C. told me that they found somepony to sing my lines for me. I was heartbroken. But it was for the best, as you said she makes my voice sound magnificent.”
“Actually, you said that, I just didn’t disagree with you.”
“Semantics.” Twilight said as she waved a hoof dismissively.
Trying to change the subject, I looked around her dressing room. For a “dressing room”, there was not much clothing. It had a dressing table; a dress form that wore her princess dress; below the dress form sat her princess shoes; and Twilight’s crown sat atop the dress form’s head. There was partition that was folded up and pushed against a wall. However, something, or some dragon was missing. “So, where is Spike?”
“‘Spike’ is over there.” She gestured to a corner of the room behind me. I turned around to where she was pointing, however, all I saw was a tennis ball glued to a dowel that was just under a meter long and attached to a base so that it could stand on its own accord.
“I’m sorry, I don’t get it.”
“Due to foal labor laws, which apparently also apply to dragons, Spike can work no longer than five hours a day, twenty-four hours a week, and six days a week for the show. He also cannot work before seven in the morning or after eleven thirty at night. And, even though he is a baby dragon, he is still a dragon . And ponies on mass transit systems get leery when they see a fire-breathing creature in an enclosed, inescapable, fast moving vehicle with them. Therefore, when we are not filming in either Ponyville or Canterlot, or when we have a Spike-centric episode; we sometimes have to interact with ‘Tennis Ball Spike.’ See, the tennis ball is where his eye line is. When we interact with ‘Tennis Ball Spike’, we look at the tennis ball. So when CGI animators animate Spike into the shot we are looking into his eyes.”
“So, Spike is sometimes a tennis ball on a pole?”
“That’s a succinct of putting it, yes. It’s the big lie of the show. It is all camera magic. ‘Camera magic,’ ha, camera trickery would be more accurate. It involves the use of the green screen, and the CGI animators plying their craft.” Something dawned on her and she continued. “Actually, come to think of it, Camera Magic would be apropos, considering that’s the name of our CGI Department’s head animator.”
“Hold on, if you cannot bring Spike with you, who sweetens his lines?”
“There is a very small recording booth in the basement of the library in Ponyville. Spike gets a version of the current script that only has his lines and emotional directions on it. He reads and I record his lines, and I teleport the recordings to M.C. when he is finished. Then the M.C. listens to it and teleports me notes on what he would like Spike to do differently.”
“That seems like it would be very stressful for Spike. Like a student waiting in the classroom for his teacher to finish correcting his exam.”
“Not really, he is always excited as a foal opening a new toy on Hearth’s Warming Day every time he gets a new script. He reads it to himself over and over trying to figure out what the episode is about with his lines as his only clue.”
“Has he ever correctly deduced an episode’s plot?”
“Oh, Celestia, no. Spike is horrible at deduction. He is always so far off base that sometimes I wonder if he is guessing wrong just to be ironic. But, alas, no. He just really has no clue. He never lets that deter him, though. Not even when he failed to guess the plot of the episode that eventually turned out to be his favorite.”
“Which one was that?”
“Season two, episode ten, ‘Secret of my Excess.’ It was his favorite episode for six reasons. First, it was his birthday episode. (We celebrated his birthday in the episode and those were his real gifts.) Second, he got a kiss from Rarity. (He insisted they keep redoing that scene until they ‘got it right.’) Third, he got that pimp hat. (The pimp hat was his favorite gift.) Fourth, he was able to play the villain. (He really relishes the episodes where he gets to be evil, sometimes a little too much.) Fifth, he was able to wear body suits and stand on stilts. (He loved the progression of slightly larger sized suits that he was able to wear with longer and longer stilts and longer and longer arm extensions.) Finally, he was able to see what he would look like as an adult dragon thanks to the CGI animators conceptual CGI Spike. (Although he was disappointed that grown-up CGI Spike did not have wings.)”
I was awestruck by the beauty of her perfect nerdiness. I kept myself from gushing like a crazed fancolt, however that did not stop my ears from flapping by themselves. Thankfully, I was able to regain control of my ears after only two flaps. However, I could not stop the impressed and elongated “Wow” that was the first thing to jump out of my mouth, “Woooow, that was very…” Don’t say “hot!” “…detailed. (Ahem)” I blinked, shook my head to switch myself from fancolt mode back to reporter mode, and continued, “You know so much about Spike’s favorite episode, what is your favorite episode?”
Once again she needed no time to think about her answer, “My favorite episode would have to be from season one episode six, ‘Boast Busters,’ because it introduced The Great and Powerful Trixie, or as Snips calls her,” She did her best imitation of Snips, “‘The G and PT.’” It was very good. It was not mocking or insulting, but spot on. “It was the first time that I met another unicorn whose special talent was magic since I graduated from Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. Even though in the show Trixie was a nasty snob, in real life she was quite…” Twilight stopped and looked up, seemingly to look backward at past memories. A playful smile graced her lips and she giggled before she finished her thought, “…congenial. (Ahem)” Now it was her turn to blink and shake her head.
Forget it. I am a gentlecolt and I work for a family magazine, it would probably not be proper for me to delve into that thought. Change the subject, quickly.
“Anyway, it seems that Spike is his own favorite villain, so, who is yours…” Before I could stop myself I blurted out, “Trixie?” My eyes got wide as I realized my faux pas.
Shouldn’t have said that.
Thankfully, Twilight did not seem to notice; or maybe she did not care; or maybe it was not that big a secret; or maybe she mistook my gentlecoltly shyness as denseness. Either way she matter-of-factly answered, “Actually no, and they are more of an antagonist, than a villain, really. The parasprites, you know, from season one, episode ten, ‘Swarm of the Century?’”
She thought she had to spell it out. That answered that question; she thought I was dense. I must admit; my pride took a hit and overtook my professionalism as I defensively and absent-mindedly answered, “Of course I know what parasprites are. I am a fan of the show; I have seen every episode multiple times.”
“Really? Then you must have a favorite villain, who is it?” She asked with mischievous grin.
Still defensive and absent-minded, I, for a moment, forgot who I was talking to, and answered that question way too honestly and quickly, “That’s easy, ‘Psycho Twilight’ from season two episode three, ‘Lesson Zero.’ It‘s my favorite episode.” Remembering back to the first time I saw that episode cheered me up and I smiled. However, I was still unaware of who I was talking to as I blissfully continued, “She was just sooo ‘adorable’ in that-”
Mother of Celestia, what have I done?
It had finally dawned on me who I was talking to. “Oops.”
Damage control! DAMAGE CONTROL!
Twilight’s face lit up. “Ha! I knew it! You’ve been acting peculiar since we first met! You’re enamored with me!”
My entire head blushed as I stuttered through my next few sentences, “‘E-enamored m-might be a l-little s-strong. I-I would s-say that y-your c-character is the one I most i-identify w-with.”
“Aah! I’m your favorite pony?” Twilight said with a huge smile as she squeed.
My entire head still resembled a tomato as I twiddled my hooves and continued, “W-well, y-yes, sort of. I-I mean I’m b-bookish, a l-little OCD, I am k-kind of a p-perfectionist, I am m-more a-awkward than I r-realize social s-situations, and I s-study when I’m bored.” I was emboldened when I realized a slight error in my last statement. I forgot my embarrassment and stopped stuttering as I made the correction, “Although, that last one is probably just me because they never showed your character bored on the show. However, if your character is not doing something else she is always reading a book.”
“That was very detailed as well, Camerashy. You sure did your research on me.”
Still trying to find the rest of my courage, I corrected her, “No, not you, your character. I came here today with the mindset that you and the characters of yourselves that you portray in the show are separate entities, i.e. you, Twilight Sparkle, are not the same pony as the Twilight Sparkle in the show. Even though I told myself that before I got here, it is an entirely different matter to remember it. That is because you look like her, you sound like her, and you even act like her. And being here in her presence, excuse me, your presence, is almost overwhelming.” Finally at ease again, I continued, “And, just like I imagined, or hoped, you are extremely easy to get along with. I must admit, however, that you are a lot more fun in real life than your character seems to be on the show.”
“It’s nice to know that somepony realizes that we are not defined by the characters we portray on television.” Twilight said like a teacher lecturing her student, “However, your assumption that we are all different from the characters we portray, may be a little… off base. Fluttershy, for example.”
“I am relieved to here that Fluttershy is similar to the character she portrays. Her character is so sweet and kind; it just makes you want to protect her with your life.” I said as my eyes filled with tears of joy as I remembered all of Fluttershy’s episodes and adorable scenes. Then my eyes grew angry and dark as I remembered the times when somepony, or some griffon made her cry as I coldly continued, “And murder anypony who purposefully makes her sad.”
“Yes, Fluttershy sure is...” Twilight stopped and looked up, seemingly to look backward at past memories. A smile graced her lips and she chuckled before she finished her thought, “special.”
No, there wasn’t anything suspicious about that smile or that chuckle.
Twilight was serious again, “But to put your mind at ease, and to stop you and your readers from harassing any past guest stars, Fluttershy is never really mistreated by anypony, it’s television, it‘s not real. We appreciate the fan mail, the episode suggestions, the marriage proposals; even the hate mail is amusing. However, the death threats made Gilda cry.”
My voice was small and barely audible as I gulped, “Death threats?”
“Yeah, about a week after ‘Griffon the Brush-off’ aired, Gilda got a lot of hate mail. She even laughed at some of them. However, there were four death threats that really scared her. Luckily, the morons who wrote them put their return addresses on the envelopes.”
“Ha, ha! Sorry, death threats, not funny, absolutely not funny. However, sloppy mistakes that lead to instant karma, hilarious. So how were they punished?”
“I don’t know. We showed Princess Celestia and Princess Luna the letters and Princess Celestia said that they would ‘make sure it did not ever happen again.’ The next day Princess Celestia said that it was ‘taken care of.’ We did not get any negative fan mail, marriage proposals, or episode suggestions for the next three months afterward. All we got was fan mail praising the princesses.”
Note to self, princesses are their own Gestapo. Do not piss them off.
“It seems that we have gotten a little sidetracked, you were saying that the parasprites were your favorite antagonist, could you please explain why?”
“They were the smallest antagonists ever, and they were all CGI! We could not use real parasprites during filming, for obvious reasons. However, before filming began I was able to study them. And, with the help of Pinkie Pie, I learned everything about them, and then we used it in the show. Like how they are voracious eaters; and how they reproduce asexually; and how the more they eat, the faster they reproduce; and how they can be trained to do simple menial chores; and how large groups of them can be controlled and manipulated with parade music.”
This time I was well aware of whom I was talking to, and I was finally comfortable enough with myself to talk to Twilight without being self-conscience, “That is another one of my favorite episodes. We get a brief look at ‘Psycho Twilight.’ And I believe that is the first appearance of ‘Inexact Spell Twilight,’ which is another one of my favorite versions of your character.”
“I am glad that somepony realizes that ‘Inexact Spell Twilight’ as you call her, is not real. In real life I am very careful and precise with all my spells.”
The way her pretty purple eyes were shifting back and forth as she made that statement did not fill my heart with confidence that it was an entirely truthful one. However, being the gentlecolt I am, I smiled and agreed with her anyway, “I thought as much. I always imagined you to be super powerful magically. Ever since that breathtaking show of power in ‘Boast Busters’ where you put that Ursa Minor to bed. I must ask, was that really all you or was that CGI and practical effects?”
“A filly has to have some secrets. However, on the day of filming, an Ursa Minor was present.” She answered with a wink.
“I really appreciate you being so kind taking the time to answer my foalish questions. Is there anything else you would like to add before we conclude our interview?”
“Yes, two things actually. First, don’t take any of us too seriously, you’re way too uptight, Camerashy. That’s going to make you the target of a lot of pranks, and my pranks are not as bad as those of some of my friends.”
I turned my head down, blushed, and smiled, embarrassed, and said with a chuckle as I rubbed the back of my neck “Thanks, I will try to remember that.”
“Secondly,” Twilight leapt forward and wrapped her forelegs around my neck, leaned in close, and rubbed her cheek against mine, and then she kissed me on my cheek. My heartbeat increased as it rushed blood to my face… and to another more… intimate area. She broke the hug and smiled, “I bet Sapphire Shores wouldn’t have done that. I hope you’re not still too disappointed you didn’t get to talk to her today.” She glanced down and then quickly averted her eyes, blushed, and smiled coyly. “Ah, it looks as though you’re not disappointed after all. Well, I’m going to get me another Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness Cupcake, care to escort me out?”
I sat with my legs crossed trying, without much luck, to keep my shame hidden. Red-faced I answered, “Um, no, I think I will sit here a little while longer lest I embarrass myself, or anypony else further.”
“All right, just make sure you clean up sanitize when you’re ‘finished.’ There are some towels in the bottom left drawer of the Dressing Table; and the lotion, sanitizer and deodorizer are in the drawer above it.” Twilight giggled as she left the room. A purple glow enveloped the door and it snapped shut.
I called out, “That’s not what I- I wasn’t going to- argh!” It was too late; she was already gone, leaving me alone with my embarrassment. Once again, I involuntarily face hoofed.
Author's Note
This is the first chapter of the first fan fiction I have ever written, I hope you enjoy it. Constructive criticism is always welcome and encouraged.
Behind The Scenes at Friendship Is Magic
A Walk Amongst The Trees.
I took a few deep breaths to stop the blood from rushing to my shame. After a few minutes, the throbbing subsided and the excitement was gone. I was alone in Twilight’s dressing room. I did not want to stay in there too long for fear that Twilight might have thought that I had actually taken her up on her joke offer. I was afraid that the longer I stayed in there the more likely it would seem that I was… Anyway, I did not want to gross anypony out. I am a professional and a gentlecolt, and there is a time and a place for everything.
There was nopony around so it was safe; but still I used as little magic as possible to operate the doorknob, open the door, and exit Twilight’s dressing room. There were crewmembers milling about so I closed the door behind me with my hoof.
I wanted to ask Rainbow Dash a few questions about her trademark Sonic Rainbooms, so I went to look for her. However, fate is a fickle mistress, as I could not find Dashie- excuse me, Rainbow Dash anywhere. Although, granted, I did stop looking only after two minutes, which is to say, the moment I saw Fluttershy. She had her back to me. She was talking to a mouse that must have lost its way, because she was giving it directions. I politely waited until she was finished before I approached. She did not notice me sidling up behind her.
“Excuse me, Fluttershy,” I said maybe a little louder than I intended, “I was wonder-”
Fluttershy turned around. When she saw me, she let out a frightened gasp.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare y-”
“MOTHER OF CELESTIA, YOU’RE BALD! YOU’RE COMPLETELY BUCKING BALD!” Fluttershy shouted with surprise, in a voice that was reminiscent to the one she used near the end of “Sonic Rainboom.”
I had expected somepony to point that out at some point today. However, I was expecting that it would be Pinkie Pie, or Rainbow Dash, or even Rarity who would feel the need to reveal to me something of which I was already well aware. However, I did not expect it to be sweet little Fluttershy, and certainly not at such volume, or with such salty language.
“Um, I’m not bald, I shaved my mane. Hold on, I’m sorry did you just-”
“Oh, well, alright then. Sorry, I thought you were Rarity, for a second there.”
Trying to remember to put Twilight’s advice into action, I teased, “Oh, so all of us white unicorns look the same to you? My name is Camerashy. Wait, I‘m almost certain you-”
“Oh, no, it’s just with your eyes closed you look like Rarity with a bald head.”
“Yeah, I have gotten that a lot since I shaved my head two days ago; even from my parents and friends; and especially when my bright red tail is out of view.” I said as I waved the short shock of hair that was my tail, “I should never have made that bet. I miss my mane, and my neck is cold. However, I am almost certain you-”
“You lost your mane in a bet? What was the bet about?”
It was embarrassing for me to answer that question, and she was stopping me from calling her out on the fact that she just swore like a naval pony, but how can you deny the owner of those adorable eyes anything? “Last week, I, uh, was so positive that I was going to, umm… interview Sapphire Shores, that I bet my mane against my friend’s. Three days ago, I lost that bet. A gentlecolt never goes back on his word, so, the day before last, I went to the barber and,” I mimed a hair trimmer going back and forth over my head, “buzzzzz.”
As I gave my explanation, Fluttershy threw her hooves over her mouth as her expressive eyes grew wider and wider. Even with her mouth covered, I could see her eyes filling with joy.
“Oh, my goodness, everypony knows that Sapphire Shores is the most busy non-goddess pony in all of Equestria. She’s booked all the way into next year!” Then Fluttershy looked again where my mane should be and corrected, “Well, apparently, not every pony knows.” Then she looked one more time at my missing mane and again corrected, “Then again, maybe, now everypony does.”
“Oh, yes, I am now painfully aware as to how hectic Miss Shores’ schedule is. Painful because when I try to shake my mane, there is nothing there, and all I get is a headache. Still, I could swear that you just said-”
“Twilight told the rest of us about you, Camerashy. But, she never mentioned that you look like a bald Rarity.”
“She probably did not notice,” I said less annoyed than I felt. It is impossible to stay mad at that face, “since we Unicorns have no problem telling each other apart. But, seriously, I know you said-”
“Oh, no, she noticed , right off the bat, most likely. Twilight is as quick as a whip. She probably wants to pull this prank on all of us.” Then something dawned on her, “That would explain why she separated us all. Knowing Twilight, it wasn’t by chance that I was the first pony you found. She’s leading you around by your snout.”
“I would be offended if that did not sound so… accurate.” And, was being said by that cute mouth. “You keep changing the subject, I’m sure you-”
“I’m sorry to say, you’re probably going to get four more reactions similar to mine.”
Now’s your chance! Go, go! “Will they swear at me too?” I snapped at her. I did not mean to, I just did not expect Fluttershy to curse. Let alone purposely try to avoid being called on it.
The expression on Fluttershy’s face looked like that question kicked her in the gut. Tears started welling up in her eyes. I felt like slime, “That was so rude of me. A gentlecolt should never make a filly cry. Especially one as sweet and innocent as…”
A snort, and a giggle, and then, “Most likely. Gee whiz, Camerashy, Twilight is right, you really need to lighten up.”
“Yeah, she said that if I didn’t, the pranks that you and the others pulled on me would be worse than hers. Actually, she said,” I rooted around in my saddlebag until I found my notebook. I flipped to the page I was looking for and read aloud, “‘my pranks are not as bad as those of some of my friends.’”
“I’m not too sure about that, Twilight is… what’s the word; devious?” Fluttershy gasped, then, with a slightly worried look in her eyes, quickly looked around the studio, then shouted, “But I mean that in the nicest possible way!”
“Would you like to go somewhere more… private to talk?” I offered.
“I don’t know, Twilight said that you were de…bauched?”
“I-I am not !”
“She also said that you were very good at arguing with yourself.”
“What!?”
“Twilight said that you were arguing with yourself after she left you alone in her dressing room. She said that you were in her dressing room by yourself too long and that you were very good at arguing with yourself. No, she said, what was it? …Oh, yeah, she said that you were a master deba-”
“I DID NOT! I mean, I am not- I mean, I would never -” Deep breaths, in through the snout, out through the mouth, in through the snout, out through the mouth. It was obvious Fluttershy was too innocent to understand what Twilight meant. Therefore, there was no reason for me to get so defensive, so, with a deep sigh, I just went with it. “Yes I was arguing with myself, I yell at myself sometimes. It helps me clear my head.”
Fluttershy considered this for a moment, then cocked an eyebrow and asked as innocently can be, “Oh, is ‘yell’ what you call diddling yourself?”
Once again, I involuntarily face hoofed. Ugh, apparently not as innocent as I thought. “I was not- I did not- Could we please go somewhere private to continue our conversation?
Fluttershy flapped her wings to hover just above me as though she was standing on air on her hind legs; her forelegs were akimbo at her sides, and her eyes narrowed as she peered into my soul, “Alright, but I’ll be watching you, mister, so no funny stuff.”
“I promise, I shall be the perfect gentlecolt, honest.”
I followed behind Fluttershy, she was still airborne. I looked up to ask her to where she was leading me and I immediately stopped in my tracks. I saw something a gentlecolt should only see with the consent of his marefriend. (Or, within the confines of a gentlecolts club.) My face grew red as I (almost) immediately squeezed my eyes shut and turned my head down and away. “Um, Fluttershy? I am so sorry to inconvenience you, but could you please land and just walk? I’m, uh, having trouble keeping up with you. You know, short legs.” I lied to preserve both of our dignities.
I heard a light impact on the floor in front of me; I opened the eye that was closest to the sound and saw Fluttershy looking at me with a smile on her face. Then she batted those big, beautiful eyes at me and asked, “What’s the matter, Camerashy, see something you like?”
This time a face hoof was not enough. This time I face floored , the dizziness and stars that resulted being (probably not enough) penance for my misdeed. “Yes- I mean, no- I mean yes- I mean I didn’t see anything, not on purpose, anyway, and not for more than a few seconds. I apologize, I meant no disrespect.”
So much for my dignity.
Fluttershy was blushing as she rolled her eyes and blew a stray pink hair out of her face. “Oh, well, I guess I believe you. You do look embarrassed. With that white coat and no mane, it’s almost impossible not to see your entire head turn as red as Big Macintosh’s. And, you do seem truly sorry. So, I guess I can forgive you, this time.”
“Thank you, Fluttershy, that is very magnanimous of you.”
A confused look appeared on Fluttershy‘s face, “Isn’t that what Twilight said you were doing in her dressing room after she left?”
“Huh? No, she said I was- No! No, it means generous, kind, and forgiving.
“Oh, well, that’s different then, isn’t it?”
“I should hope so.” I said as we continued walking.
Fluttershy led me to a large set of double doors with a sign that read: FIRE EXIT DO NOT OPEN, ALARM WILL SOUND. She flew up to the corner of one of the doors, pulled loose a wire, and landed. She opened the door, no alarm.
Well that can’t be safe.
Being the gentlecolt I am; I held the door for her, “After you.”
We emerged outside, in the back lot of the studio. “Back lot” would be a misnomer, it was more like a lush garden. It was breathtaking, something one never sees in downtown Manehattan, outside, of course, of Canteral Park. It was an exact replica of Fluttershy’s cottage and the area surrounding it. Right down to Angel Bunny’s house, the chicken coop, and the ferret den under the bridge. “Replica” was not even an adequate word. It was as though Princess Celestia magically transplanted Fluttershy’s entire property to the back lot of the studio.
“Im…possible.” I whispered, awestruck. Then I continued, in my normal register, “This can’t be… is this really… This is just too amazing not to be real.”
“Yeah, that’s our special effects team for you. This was a gift from Princess Celestia. She had this whole place commissioned for me as an apology after she and Twilight pranked me real good back in season one.”
Still awestruck at the beautiful scene before me I responded, “That must have been some prank, I’m sure my readers would like to know about it, that is, if it’s not too painful to recall.”
“Oh, no, I’m over it now. Thinking back, it was pretty funny, but not at the time. I cried for a week. The prank will live forever, and be seen again and again, because it was an episode of the show.”
“Which episode was that?”
“The twenty……second? Episode of the first season, ‘A Bird in the Hoof.’ The episode was Princess Celestia’s idea and the prank was Twilight’s idea. Between the three of us, I was the only one who didn’t know that Philomena was a phoenix. My script called for me to nurse Philomena back to health with Twilight’s help. Then try to get her back to Princess Celestia without her knowing.”
“Obviously, that wasn’t what happened.”
“No, Princess Celestia and Twilight knew that Philomena was near the end of her ‘cycle.’ Princess Celestia has Philomena’s regeneration cycles timed down to the second. They timed the filming of the episode to coincide with her ‘combustion.’ The ‘chase scene’ wasn’t in my script. I thought the cameras had stopped running so we could catch her, but they were still filming; it was all just leading up to the prank’s finale. When Philomena burst into flames and I caught her ashes in my hooves? That was my real reaction. They didn’t stop filming and explain everything to me until after I burst into tears.”
“That…is…horrible . I wouldn’t expect something like that from Twilight or the Princess. Well, after today, at least not the Princess.”
“Where do you think Twilight learned it from? I told you that she was devious.” Fluttershy once again gasped, then, with a slightly worried look in her eyes, quickly looked around her garden, then shouted, “But I mean that in the nicest possible way!”
“And this gorgeous place is an apology for that? And is it all real or just practical effects?”
“A little bit of both, actually. The grass and trees are real. A team of construction workers, landscapers, carpenters, and interior designers; constructed an exact duplicate of my land and cottage in Ponyville, right down to the cat trees and the burls in the stairs. Angle Bunny’s house, my cottage, and the hen house, are all furnished and stocked exactly as they are in Ponyville. However, except for Angel Bunny, none of the critters from back home are here. So, I let the local critters stay here.”
“Is that what you were doing with that mouse, giving it directions to this…Eden?”
As she spoke, Fluttershy kneeled in the grass. Little birds started landing in her mane and various mice, raccoons, rabbits, ferrets, and squirrels; which emerged from several dens and warrens hidden within the tall grass encircled her, jumping happily, “Oh, no, Missus Whiskers knows where this place is, I think all the critters do. No, she was just looking for her son, Stewart. Stewart went to,” Fluttershy whispered the next four words, “the little colts’ room.”
I was a little skeptical, “You have a mouse that uses the toilet?”
Oh, no, Stewart doesn’t belong to me, I’m just his mother’s friend, I baby-sit Stewart anytime his mom and dad need some ‘alone time.’”
So, ‘Missis Whiskers’ is-”
“No, no, not ‘Missis Whiskers,’ ‘Missus Whiskers,’ she and her family are from Trottingham. They moved to here to Manehattan about seven months ago.”
Trying not to show my concern for the mental state of the Pegasus before me, I knelt down in the grass beside her; it would have been rude and unprofessional, not to mention cowardly, to do otherwise. Then, as sweetly as possible, I said, “How cute.”
I was about to change the subject when Angel Bunny came running out of nowhere in a panic. He started miming something at Fluttershy. “What? Oh, no! Excuse me, Camerashy, this is important.”
The birds and critters scattered as Fluttershy flew away very quickly with Angel Bunny in tow. I decided to follow because I did not think it wise to leave such a mentally fragile pony alone to her own devices. I mean, she gave her pet mice a back-story that she wholeheartedly believed; who knows what she might have thought Angle Bunny “told her.” However, when she is worried, Fluttershy flies unbelievably fast. Even at full gallop, I could not keep up with her. Nevertheless, she did not leave my sight, mainly because she did not go very far. She flew to the other side of her garden, which was more than a half a mile, in less than ten seconds. I was finally able to catch up with her while she was hovering in the air among a group of trees.
“Which one is it, Angel?”
Angel Bunny thought for a moment, and looked around trying to get his bearings. Then something dawned on him as he tapped Fluttershy on the head and pointed to a tree in their three o’clock position. Fluttershy flew and I ran to the tree. There was a faint mewling coming from one of the tree’s branches. Fluttershy flew into the tree and disappeared amongst the leaves. A few seconds later, Fluttershy emerged carrying a small calico kitten in her fore hooves.
“How did you get up there, little one?” Fluttershy asked as she came in for a landing and set the kitten on the ground.
I could not believe my eyes or ears, the kitten mewed as it looked like it was answering Fluttershy’s question.
“A dog chased you up the tree? … How did you get in here, anyway? … A hole in the back wall? …What is your name, little one? …Cinnamon? What a pretty name. Well, Cinnamon, what is your mother‘s name?…He, he, Mama, huh? …So, where is Mama? …Oh, out looking for food. …Where do you live? …Down the back alley? …Can you show me this hole in the wall?”
Cinnamon nodded assent. Fluttershy put Cinnamon in her mane next to Angel Bunny who consoled the kitten who was only slightly larger than he was. I followed behind as Cinnamon meowed (I assume) the directions to the hole in the wall to Fluttershy, who seemed to have no trouble following her directions. We traveled to the other side of the trees. On the other side was another quarter of a mile of verdant growth. At the edge of that, there was a three-meter tall concrete wall and some very unkempt grass.
“Okay, we’re almost there, Cinnamon, now where’s this hole? …To the left? …Behind the grass?” Fluttershy landed and walked as Cinnamon directed her to a patch of bent, broken and quite tall grass.
Fluttershy moved the grass, and sure enough, there was a hole in the wall just big enough for a medium-small dog to fit through easily. “Well, that won’t do, will it?” Fluttershy said as she placed Angel Bunny and Cinnamon on the grass. She turned her back to the wall, rose up on her forelegs and, without much effort, kicked the wall just above the hole, cracking it. Fluttershy repeated the action once more, this time, an entire section of the wall crumbled. Now the hole was big enough for a Pegasus to fly through easily.
“That … was impressive” I said, flabbergasted.
“Angel, keep an eye on Camerashy, Cinnamon, come me.” Fluttershy put Cinnamon in her mane and flew out the hole.
She had left me alone in a pile of rubble in a virtual Eden, with a bunny rabbit as a babysitter. With nothing to do, I decided to examine the hole. Angel Bunny thumped me on the hind leg with his back paw and gave me a dirty look. “Don’t worry, Angel, I promise I won’t go far.”
Oh great, now I’m talking to the rabbit.
I examined the wall. The wall was not only three meters tall, but it was also a meter thick. The strength it must have taken to open the hole this much, and with only two kicks; I would never have expected that from sweet, delicate, Fluttershy. However, I have been wrong an awful lot recently. Furthermore, it looked like she was not even trying.
Outside the hole, the stark contrast of the big city to this beautiful garden made itself quite evident in this smelly back alley. There were trash bags strewn about; garbage water was running into a sewer drain; and the smell of urine lingering in the air. The smell was so bad, even Angel Bunny was pinching his nose closed.
A few minutes later Fluttershy returned triumphantly, carrying not only Cinnamon on her back, but also a black cat who I assumed was “Mama,” and three more kittens.
“Angel, Camerashy, allow me to introduce you to Cinnamon’s family.” pointing to the black kitten, Fluttershy continued, “This is her sister, Pepper.” then she pointed to another calico kitten, “This is her other sister, Dusty.” Pointing to the gray kitten, “This is their brother, Ghost.” Then, while holding up the black cat, she concluded, “And this is their mother, her name is Shadow. They all are part of our family now, and will be living here.”
“What about Mister and Missus Whiskers and their son, Stewart? Isn’t it in a cat’s nature to hunt and eat mice? And, birds, for that matter?”
“It’s okay, I had a talk with Shadow and her kittens, and they understand what it means to live here, no hunting, killing, or eating anyone who lives here in my garden. If they want to hunt, they will have to go outside the wall.”
“But, there’s a gaping hole in the wall. Any predator, thief, or vandal could just walk right through.”
“Good point.” Fluttershy said. Then she turned to Angel Bunny and continued, “Angel, go find M.C. and bring him back here to the hole.”
Angel Bunny stood at attention, clicked his heels together, saluted, and then scampered off, determined to fulfill his mission and please his General.
Turning back to me Fluttershy said, “We might as well stay and finish the interview here to make sure nopony or nothing comes through this little hole I made.”
“Wow, Fluttershy, you are a whole lot faster, stronger, and bolder that I would have guessed.”
Apparently remembering when I teased her, Fluttershy teased, “Why? Because I’m a mare or because I’m a Pegasus?”
“No. It’s because in the show your character is so meek, weak, and slow.”
“Yeah, it’s the big lie of the show. They make me hold back seventy percent of my speed and strength. Even on that wall, I was only using about half my strength. And, I’m not really all that meek. My true nature is closer to what it was in ‘May the Best Pet Win.’”
“Was that your favorite episode?”
“No, my favorite episode is ‘Sonic Rainboom.’”
“Oh, really?
“Yes, it was the first time I got to be myself on camera. Even though I didn’t get to do so until almost at the end of the episode, it was still so much fun.”
“That was a pretty cool episode. I’ve noticed that most of the production crew is Unicorns and Earth ponies, so I was amazed to see an episode filmed on location in Cloudsdale. Was that thanks to Twilight’s magic or Princess Celestia’s magic?”
“Actually that was Camera Magic’s ‘magic.’ We filmed the entire episode in the soundstage across the street.”
“It looked so real . I mean, I’ve never been to Cloudsdale, being, you know, a Unicorn, however, I have seen pictures.”
“The first day of filming for ‘Sonic Rainboom’ we walked into the sound stage and the entire place was covered in green screen. The walls, the ceiling, the floor, even the rafters. There were green screen blocks, green screen stairs, and green screen ‘clouds;’ which were huge green screen pillows suspended from the ceiling on green screen platforms being held up by green screen supports.”
“So green screen everything. Everything but the cameras and ponies is covered in or made of green screen.”
“Yes, and M.C. had the camerapegasi go to Cloudsdale and film footage of outside the town proper, downtown Cloudsdale, the weather factory, and the Cloudiseum which were in the script; and other various locations so that we would have a perfect CGI replica of Cloudsdale to splice into the green screens. Even Rarity’s wings were green screen CGI.”
“They weren’t practical effects like Twilight’s?”
“No, they were wires bent into the shape of butterfly wings, covered in green fabric and attached to a belt. Rarity didn’t actually fly; she was in a harness suspended by wires from a pulley system in front of the green screen wall. She didn’t really plummet, either. She, and the Wonderbolts that chased her, were suspended upside down in harnesses a couple of meters above the green screen floor and a huge wind fan.”
“What about the Sonic Rainboom Dashie- excuse me, Rainbow Dash performed when she saved Rarity? Was that one, and all the others, CGI as well?”
Fluttershy cocked an eyebrow, presumably at my Freudian slip, smiled, and answered, “You should ask Rainbow Dash about those.”
Now I really wanted to find Rainbow Dash and ask her about the Sonic Rainbooms. Could it be possible that they are all fake? Maybe if I was sneaky I could charm some answers out of Fluttershy.
“Were you and Rainbow Dash really friends from foalhood?”
“Sure, we’ve been best friends since preflight school.”
“So, did you know Gilda?”
“Yes, she’s been friends with me and Rainbow Dash since flight school. I even came up with the concept for the episode that she was the villain in.”
“‘Griffon the Brush-Off’ was your idea? You made her be so mean to you. You cried! Suddenly I feel so guilty about my Gilda voodoo doll.”
Fluttershy patted me on my withers to comfort me, “It’s alright, she didn’t mind. She likes yelling at me, and I love it- like it when she yells at me, it’s,” Fluttershy’s pretty eyes rolled back in her head and she smiled blissfully and shuddered as she, quite possibly in more ways than one, finished, “exhilarating .”
Being a professional and a gentlecolt, I pretended not to notice the fact that I may or may not have been basking in Fluttershy’s afterglow, “Has Gilda ever seen a Sonic Rainboom?”
“Yes, we- she watches the show all the time.”
It looks like I don’t have the proper equipment to charm anything out of her.
“And as for crying, I can make myself cry on cue, see?”
Fluttrshy’s bottom lip started to quiver, her ears drooped, and her eyes became red and puffy as they welled up with tears. Fluttershy started to cry deep, heavy sobs as tears streamed down her face; and she snorted as she, unsuccessfully, tried to keep snot from flowing out her snout. It was a miserable sight to behold. I tried to do whatever I could to console her. However, before I could, just as suddenly as she started, she stopped. Fluttershy’s face was bright, cheerful and completely back to normal.
“And it’s just that easy!”
I wanted to be angry, however nopony who has ever watched the show, could ever be angry with Fluttershy. Therefore, I just continued the interview. However, as soon as I asked the next question, I had a feeling that I might already know the answer, “So, who is your favorite villain?”
Fluttershy blushed and giggled, “That’s easy, the villain from the episode that I helped write,” Fluttershy’s blush became more evident as she finished her statement, “Gilda.”
I thought as much.
I chose my words carefully and spoke impassively, taking care to appear as oblivious as possible, “Interesting, I’m happy to hear that you and Gilda are… not on bad terms with one another.”
Fluttershy giggled, “To say the least.”
“Yes, moving on. When I interviewed M.C., he told me that Twilight, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity do not sing their own songs, which means that Rainbow Dash, Apple Jack, and you do. So, do you have a favorite song?”
“Good question, there’re so many that it’s hard to decide. But, I guess if I have to choose, it would be ‘So Many Wonders’ from ‘Cutie Mark Chronicles.’”
“Aaw, that one was so cute! I mean, that episode was cute- I mean that was a good episode. It told the story about how Dashie- Rainbow Dash and her Sonic Rainboom were responsible for everypony’s cutie marks. It was supposed to be the first time in her life that Rainbow Dash ever performed one. Nevertheless, go on, why is ‘So Many Wonders’ your favorite song?”
“It was my first solo. Even though I wasn’t on camera, I was still nervous about having to dub the voice of the filly playing young Fluttershy. I saw how, one by one, Pinkie, Twilight, and Rarity all had their singing voices replaced by professionals, and I was worried the same would happen to me. Fortunately, it didn’t. My voice was… um…uh…-”
Fluttershy was blushing, presumably at the thought of sounding as if she was bragging about herself so I helped her out, “Cute? Sweet? Beautiful?”
Unfortunately, once again I opened my mouth and stuck my hoof in as Fluttershy’s blush grew as she finished her sentence, “adequate enough to not need a replacement.”
An awkward silence lingered in the air as I searched for the words, but none came, so, I lied, “That’s what the fan sites say about your voice, I was just parroting them. Although, to be fair, your voice is not… unappealing.”
Fluttershy rolled her eyes and smiled, “I’m glad the ‘fan sites’ think so highly of me. But if-”
“FLUTTERSHY!”
Fluttershy looked over my shoulder at the source of the angry voice shouting her name. Rolling her eyes she groaned, “Oh, here it comes.”
“Is what Angel mimed to me accurate? Did you really- Mother of Celestia you did! You really need to stop kicking gaping maws into the wall!”
The angry voice sounded familiar, I looked over my shoulder and saw that it belonged to M.C. He was trotting towards us with an annoyed look on his face and Angle Bunny on his head.
“Gaping maws?” Fluttershy and I asked in perfect unison.
“I meant holes! Angel Bunny was the one who mimed ‘gaping maw,’ or it might have been ‘raping cow.’ Angel is simultaneously excellent and horrible at Charades. However, now that I’m here, I’m fairly certain you did not kick a raping cow into the wall… again.” Turning to me and without changing his expression he nodded and his voice slightly softened, “Oh, hello Camerashy.”
“Well, maybe this time you could put a gate in the wall.”
“I don’t think I have a choice anymore, do I? If I don’t, you’ll just keep kicking bigger and bigger holes into it until the whole wall comes crashing down.” M.C. examined the carnage, “At least you took it easy this time. Camerashy must have had something to do with that. You didn’t want to scare him, did you?”
“Yeah, he’s skittish,” Fluttershy leaned in close to M.C. and whispered in his ear a little too loudly, “and a little dense.”
I was a little offended, but it is physically impossible to stay mad at Fluttershy, “I am not skittish.”
Fluttershy and M.C., in perfect synchronicity, each turned their heads toward me and cocked an eyebrow.
I realized that I admitted that I was dense and once again, the blood rushed to my head as I blushed, “You two seem to have everything well in hoof, so, I shall take my leave.”
I walked back to the set of double doors out of which Fluttershy and I exited. I pulled on the handle, locked. I looked around and there was nopony in sight. I closed my eyes, concentrated, and started to use my magic to feel for the fire alarm wire that Fluttershy had pulled out; however, I sensed an aura. I opened my eyes and focused on the aura. A violet glow magically sealed the door.
I heaved a sigh, dropped my head, and groaned, “Touché, Twilight.”
Author's Note
When I started writing this I did not realize that I would have to learn the metric system. It is hard to describe distance without being able to say feet. Luckily, my phone has a converter, so it was not too hard.
Behind The Scenes at Friendship Is Magic
I walked along the inside edge of the back lot garden of Friendship is Magic Studios trying to find a way back inside the building. I turned the corner; to my immediate right was the wall of the building; to my far left were two identical overly opulent doublewide double-decker trailers sitting across from each other. Identical, except for the fact that one was white with an ornate sun motif and the other was midnight blue with an ornate moon motif.
I decided to take a detour towards the trailers. “Is this where you were leading me, Twilight?” I asked nopony.
In between the trailers; with the white one to my left and the blue one to my right; I noticed that except for the different colors and motifs, they were mirror images of one another. The windows, the door, the doorknob, the steps, the skylight, the satellite dishes, even the potted plants next to the steps, all mirrored one another in perfect symmetry. Painted on the door of the white trailer was a sun with eight rays. Painted on the door of the midnight blue trailer was a blotch of black with a crescent moon.
“The cutie marks on the doors seem a little superfluous. It’s obvious by the colors and themes to whom these trailers belong. However, the perfection of the symmetry is breathtaking.” I said, once again to nopony.
I turned to my left and walked up the four steps leading to the door of the white trailer. The doorknob was to my left and the potted plant was to my right. I gathered my courage and knocked on the door of the trailer of the Goddess Princess of the Sun………no answer.
I turned around and walked up the four steps leading to the door of the midnight blue trailer. The doorknob was to my right and the potted plant was to my left. I gathered my courage and knocked on the door of the trailer of the Goddess Princess of the Moon………no answer.
I hung my head, “No, of course not. They must already be gone. No doubt they are off taking care of some royal duties that are far too important to put off to be interviewed by a nopony reporter from trivial entertainment magazine such as myself.” My heart swelled up with pride as I continued to nopony at all, “I can at least take solace in the fact that their not being here means they are out keeping the world a peaceful place. Thank you, Princesses.”
I decided to head back to the studio. Dead center of the side wall of the studio there was a large garage-like door. I examined it; a violet aura sealed it as well. I continued to walk to the front of the studio; all the while looking for a way in that Twilight had not magically sealed. I found an unlocked, unsealed door that was six meters away from the garage door.
I raised my hoof to the doorknob, “No, no, that’s what Twilight is expecting me to do.”
I resolved to go around to the front of the building and enter the front door. However, when I got there, the entire front door was gone, as though it had never existed. In its place was a solid stone wall.
I could not help but applaud, “Impressive, Twilight. I get it; I have no choice but to be your mareionette.”
I walked back to the only door that was not magically sealed or disappeared. I cautiously raised my hoof to the doorknob, squeezed my eyes shut, nervously turned the knob, and slowly opened the door. Silence. I opened my eyes, nothing. I walked inside and the door closed behind me, I saw a white Unicorn mare staring back at me.
“Oh, hello, Rarity, my name is-”
I cut my sentence short as I noticed Rarity’s mane, or lack there of. It was not Rarity, it was a mirror, and below the mirror was a sink.
Luna Dammit, I do look like Rarity.
The door had led me to the Stallions’ Room. Twilight must not have known about this door since she had never been in here before. Wait, no, something was off, it was too fancily decorated to be the Stallions’ Room. This was the Mares’ Room. I tried to exit the way I came in, however, the door behind me had vanished. There was a flushing sound coming from one of the stalls, and an instant later, the door popped open.
“Oh, my Goddess, Rarity, what happened to your mane, why is it gone?! And what happened to your tail, why is it short and red?! And what happened to your eyes, why are they orange?! And what happened to your cutie mark, why is it a… what in Tartarus is that anyway?” Pinkie Pie sobbed as she threw herself at my hooves holding mine in hers, “Who did this to you-hoo-hoo-hoo?!”
I am a gentlecolt and a professional so I did not flinch or cringe in disgust as a hysterical mare who had just finished using the toilet gripped my hooves without first washing hers.
Instead I calmly reassured her, “It’s okay, Pinkie Pie, I’m not Rarity, my name is Camerashy. I am from-”
Pinkie Pie immediately snapped back to her senses. Something occurred to her and she gasped, “You’re not a mare! This is the Mares’ Room!” Then she started throwing whatever she could find at me, bars of soap, cleaning supplies, and rolls of toilet paper as she screamed, “Get out, GET OUT, GET OUT !”
I made a beeline for the exit, luckily the door opened out the way, because I crashed through it, tumbling dizzily onto the floor on the other side.
Pinkie Pie peeked her head out the door, looked at me and giggled, “Are you okay, Fake Rarity?”
“Yes, I’m fine,” I reassured her, “however like I said my name is-”
“Is that what you were gonna do to Sapphire Shores? Were you gonna peep on her in the Mares’ Room? Are you into water sports, Fake Rarity?”
“I didn’t mean to walk into the Mares’ Room.”
“Oh, so you were looking for the Stallions’ Room and accidentally walked in here?”
“No, I came in from the outside.”
“Really?” Pinkie Pie asked doubtfully as she exited the restroom, “How?”
“Through the door?” I offered.
“There’s no door in there that leads outside.”
I rubbed the back of my neck as I chuckled uncomfortably, “Well, not anymore.”
“There never was!”
I could tell that Pinkie Pie was starting to get annoyed, “Please, let me explain. The back door had been locked, so I found the garage door, but that was locked as well. Then I found the outside door that led to the Mares’ Room, although at the time, I didn’t know that that was where it led. I figured that it was a trap, so I didn’t use it. Instead, I walked around to the front door, but it was gone! A big stone wall had replaced it!
“Therefore, I had no choice but to come back to the outside door that led to the Mares’ Room. I stepped through the door not knowing what I’d find. When I realized I was in the Mares’ Room, I tried to exit the way I entered, but the door had vanished! That was when you popped out and mistook me for Rarity.”
Pinkie Pie gasped, “I remember that! I realized you were a peeper and not Rarity, so I threw you out.”
“I’m not a peeper! I was tricked into entering the Mares’ Room by Twilight.”
Pinkie Pie considered this for a moment then she smiled and said, ‘That sure sounds like something Twilight would do, Fake Rarity the Peeper.”
Oh, great, now I’m “Fake Rarity the Peeper.”
“Could you please call me Camerashy?”
“Sure, if you call me, Pinkamena.”
“Fair enough, Pinkamena, could we go somewhere less open to hoof traffic for our interview? Many ponies here have seen me come out of the mares’ room and have heard you call me a peeper twice now. I can feel them all maliciously leering at me.”
With a big, bright smile Pinkamena said, “Sure! As long as you call me Pinkie!”
As Pinkie led me somewhere, I rubbed my forehead with my hoof, “I think I’m getting a headache.”
“I wouldn’t doubt it, C-Shy; I did whang you upside the head pretty good with a bar of soap when you were peeping at me.”
“Could you please stop saying that word so loud?”
“Which word?” Pinkie asked. Then she started listing random words she had just said, getting louder with each word. “Doubt? Upside? Soap? Bar? Wang? Peeping-”
“THAT ONE! That - That one! The last one! Could you please stop saying that one so loud?”
“As long as you eat one of these.”
“One of what?”
It was then that I noticed where Pinkie had led me. We were at the buffet table where I first met Twilight. The table contained considerably less food since I was last here. There were fewer pies, cakes and cookies and only two Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness Cupcakes, one of which Pinkie was offering to me. I really wanted to, however, if I did, it would literally be a pain in the plot.
“Not that it doesn’t look delicious, but, I really shouldn’t. There are only two left and it wouldn’t be right for me-”
Pinkie cut me off and shouted, “Eat it or I’ll scream the word!”
My hooves were tied, I had no choice, so with a reluctant gulp, I took the cupcake in hoof, peeled off the paper liner, and popped the entire MMMM Cupcake into my mouth.
The transcendent flavor made my knees buckle. The texture, the taste, it was so pleasurable that it was almost quite literally orgasmic. It was as though it was fulfilling a desire that I did not know I had. I chewed slowly so that this experience would last as long as possible. Eventually, I had to swallow, but that experience was also so glorious that I, for a second time, nearly exploded.
Out of breath, and panting from my two trips to the precipice of the Elysian Fields, I said to Pinkie, “That… (Gasp!) was… (Gasp!) the… (Gasp!) most delicious… (Gasp!) thing that I… (gasp!) ever had… (gasp.) in my mouth. Whew!”
“Thanks! It took me forever to get the recipe just right.”
“You must be the greatest baker in all Equestria! May I have the other one, please ?”
Pinkie smiled, blushed, rubbed the back of her neck, and giggled shyly, “I’m glad you liked it so much, but, when you were ‘finishing,’ I ate the last one.”
My heart sank and tears welled up in my eyes, “How could you bring me to the very brink of gastronomical Nirvana, twice, and then deny me sweet release?”
Pinkie taunted, in a singsong voice, “Then you shouldn’t have peeped at me!”
I finally broke down and started crying openly, “But… I… did-n’t pe-ee-ee-eep!”
Pinkie patted my withers, “You poor thing, I’m sorry. Would you like a cookie? It’s chocolate chip walnut!”
My eyes filled with hope, “Did you make them?”
“No, the MMMM Cupcakes were my contribution. I think Twilight made these.”
“The chocolate chips are probably laxatives,” I pouted.
A few seconds of silence past, then Pinkie and I shared a laugh, “Yeah, they probably are, that would explain why there are so many left.”
Now in a better mood I said, “It’s a good thing you ate that other cupcake, because with how delicious it was, I would have done anything for it. Ha, ha, you could have made me your slave. Tartarus, with baking skills like yours, you could make anypony your slave.” I passed it off as joking, but I actually meant it.
Pinkie got a thoughtful look on her face as she turned her head up and slightly to the right and stared blankly into space. She stayed that way, still as a statue, for a full minute. Strangely enough, she never blinked once. I waved my hoof in front of her and even that did not garner a response. Her mind had totally left our plane of existence. Finally, she closed her eyes and shook her head as she came back to reality, “Nah, I’d have to get a bigger dungeon.”
“Excuse me?”
“Basement.”
“O…kay, so, there’s that. Do you mind if we continue on somewhere so that we may finish our interview?
Pinkie smiled brightly, Sure! Walk this way! La la la, la-la la-la.” She hummed to herself as she hopped ahead of me in a serpentine pattern. Each bounce she made took her, at least, one meter into the air, and it did not look like she was even trying. She was only slightly flexing her fetlocks. Furthermore, she was doing the entire performance with her eyes closed.
“If I could walk that way, I wouldn’t have to be a reporter.”
Pinkie giggled then snorted, “It’s good to see that you’re loosening up, C-Shy.”
Pinkie led me to the area in front of the recording booth; there was only one folding chair. She pointed to the chair and said, “Please take a seat.”
“There’s only one, and in this situation the gentlecoltly thing to do would be to stand and let you have the seat.”
“There’s no need for formalities, I have my own chair. See?”
Pinkie reached behind herself and, from out of nowhere, pulled a large, pink velvet loveseat that into the back of which her cutie mark was stitched.
My jaw nearly dropped through the floor and my eyes almost popped out of their sockets, “Where did that even come from?!”
“The internet.” Was Pinkie‘s carefree answer.
Once again, I involuntarily face hoofed. “No, I meant-”
“Well, sit down you wanted to interview me didn’t you?”
“Oh, no, you first, I insist.”
Pinkie climbed up and lounged in her loveseat while I sat in the folding chair.
“So, Pinkie you-”
“Before we start,” Pinkie interrupted as she looked at me lasciviously, “do you mind if I take these off.”
I was, confused, to say the least. I looked Pinkie up and down. “You’re not wearing anything. The only thing I’m wearing is my saddlebag. Ours is a clothing optional society; where, for a mare, getting dressed up to go out means giving yourself a fancy manedo and for us stallions it means putting on a collar and a bowtie.”
“Who wears bowties?”
“I do, I wear a bowtie. Bowties are cool. Getting back to my point, you’re not wearing anything, so you cannot take anything off. You’re just trying to prank me, like Twilight said you would.”
“Oh, really?”
Pinkie put her left fore hoof at the base of her forelock; and her right fore hoof at the base of her tail and pulled them back slowly. Her trademark poofy pink mane and tail began to slide off, revealing the straight, flat pink mane and tail underneath.
I was gobsmacked, “They make you wear a wig and fake tail?!”
“Yes, it’s the big lie of the show.”
“But, why?”
“I had a bad hair day the first day of filming.”
“That’s all?”
“That‘s all.”
“Well, Pinkie-”
“When I’m not wearing the appliances I prefer to be called ‘Mistress Pinkamena.’”
Exasperated, I said, “You have got to be kidding me.”
Pinkie’s expression changed from bright, comforting and happy to dark, ominous and angry, “Do I look like I’m kidding?”
My Adam’s apple bobbed up and down slowly as I nervously gulped, “N-no, ma’am.”
“No, what ?”
I gasped when I realized my error, “No, Mistress Pinkamena .”
Mistress Pinkamena’s demeanor reverted to the cheerful one that her character is known for, “Great! So, what do you want to ask me, Camerashy?”
That was the first time she actually called me Camerashy.
“Well, Mistress Pinkamena, which of the episodes is your favorite?”
“Episode of what? I have a lot of favorite shows.” Mistress Pinkamena took a single deep, exaggerated breath and composed a long, mind boggling list comprised of canceled and currently running television shows. “Doctor Whooves, Equestria Championship Wrestling, Ultimate Spidermare, The Diamond Dog Whisperer, Real Horsewives of Las Pegasus, Marelin, All My Foals, Fillies In Tiaras, Married…With Foals, Kitchen Night Mares, Equestrian Idol, Mad Mares, Trotting Dead, Modern Marevels, The Coltbert Report, Maretha Stewart, Buck Rogers (which was not at all what I thought it would be), Two and a Half Mares, The Beverly Hillfillies, Ponémon, Always Sunny in Fillydelphia, and even Sapphire Shores’ Show, be specific, Camerashy!”
Unlike with Fluttershy, it was easy to become aggravated by the antics of Mistress Pinkamena. However, for some reason, she frightened me. This, strangely enough, excited me. Trying to come to terms with my ambivalence, I clarified, “I meant, Mistress Pinkamena, what is your favorite episode of Friendship is Magic?”
Mistress Pinkamena sat up straight in her loveseat, smiled brightly and asked, “Well, why didn’t you say so?”
Perturbed, I sighed, “I thought I had, Mistress Pinkamena.”
“Um…,” Mistress Pinkamena scratched her chin as she thought for a moment, “I guess if I have to choose… I can’t do it, I like them all!”
I am a professional and a gentlecolt, so it is easy for me to control my anger, especially in the presence of mares and foals. However, that did not stop my left eye from twitching and my front left fetlock from trembling with anger. I took a couple deep breaths to regain my composure, and, chuckling ruefully, pressed on, “Now, Mistress Pinkamena, if you could narrow it down to one episode, which one would it be? …ONE.”
Mistress Pinkamena let out an annoyed sigh, “Fine, if I had to pick, it would be episode fifteen of season two, ‘A Friend in Deed.’”
“Actually, Mistress Pinkamena, ‘A Friend in Deed’ is season two’s eight eenth episode.”
Mistress Pinkamena’s demeanor once again turned dark and frightening as she grabbed me by the left pectoral, leaned in close, and scowled, “How dare you correct me with… facts ?”
I was trembling. However, why was it not from fear?
“I - I apologize?”
“Excuse me?”
“I apologize, M-Mistress P-Pinkamena .”
Why did I enjoy that?
Mistress Pinkamena unhoofed me and, once again, she was cheerful. “NERD! You’re right though, ‘A Friend in Deed’ is , indeed, (hee, hee) episode eighteen. It’s still my favorite episode, even though it isn’t the fifteenth.”
“And, Mistress Pinkamena, why is it your favorite?”
Mistress Pinkamena looked at me quizzically, “Why is what my favorite what?”
I closed my eyes, slowly and repeatedly pounded my forehead with my hoof, and sighing deeply I measuredly rephrased my question, “Why is ‘A Friend in Deed’ your favorite episode of Friendship is Magic…” Mistress Pinkamena cocked a malicious eyebrow at me. “…Mistress Pinkamena?” I quickly finished.
Apparently, she want’s me to say “Mistress Pinkamena” every time I speak. …Why do I find that… enticing?
“It’s my favorite episode because I, not my voice double, get to sing most of the songs in it. Sure, she sings most of the first song, but I get to help, and the rest of them, are mine.” Mistress Pinkamena chuckled evilly as she menacingly wrung her fetlocks together.
“So, you-”
“And , I got to teach all my Ponyville friends how to do hardcore parkour.”
Mistress Pinkamena stood up on her loveseat and back flipped behind it. There was a loud crash when she landed.
“Are you alright, Mistress Pinkamena, do you need medical attention?”
Mistress Pinkamena’s head popped up from behind and rested atop her loveseat, “Fine and dandy, Camerashy! Hay, how do I look?”
Mistress Pinkamena leapt over and landed on all fours on her loveseat and struck a pose holding up her front right and holding out her back left. She was wearing a pair of lacy black panties, a matching garter belt, and black silk stockings on her hind legs. She may have been smiling; however, I was too distracted to notice. I may be a gentlecolt; however, I am also still a stallion, therefore my jaw could not help but drop. I may be a stallion; however, I am also still a gentlecolt, therefore my face could not help but blush. Embarrassed, I (almost) immediately squeezed my eyes shut and turned my head down and away.
“Wow, with your head blushing like that and from this angle, you look like a short, bald Unicorn version of Big Macintosh. What’s the matter, Camerashy? Why won’t you look at me?”
“You are not decently dressed, Mistress Pinkamena. I should not see you in that… state of affairs.
“Well, why not? You’re the one who said that,” Mistress Pinkamena did a poor imitation of my voice as she used my own words against me. “‘Ours is a clothing optional society.’ Well, now I opted to wear clothes, so, why won’t you look at me?
“Well… I am not sure, Mistress Pinkamena, it just… does not seem… proper. It may be because what you are wearing is not meant to be seen, except in an intimate setting, or during a particularly windy day.”
“Would it be easier on you if I was buck naked?”
“Possibly, Mistress Pinkamena, however, could you please not phrase it like that?”
“What would you prefer: commando, nude, au naturel, free ballin’?”
I sighed, defeated, “I suppose naked is the least embarrassing way to put it, Mistress Pinkamena.”
Mistress Pinkamena giggled and snorted, “You can’t look at me when I am wearing panties, but you can look at me when I’m buck naked? You’re very kinky, Camerashy.”
I could feel my face getting redder as I heard the movement of fabric.
“Okay, I’m completely buck naked! You can open your eyes now!”
I slowly opened my eyes and sure enough, Mistress Pinkamena was true to her word, she was naked again. I breathed sigh of relief.
Mistress Pinkamena could no longer contain herself as she fell out of her loveseat onto the floor on her back in a laugh fit, “Pfft-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, you’re a dirty pervert, Camerashy! Ha-ha-ha-ha-haaa!”
Mistress Pinkamena was rolling on the floor laughing at me and she looked up and asked, “Whoa, Hay, is that a can of tennis balls between your legs, or are you just happy to see me? Ha-ha-ha-ha!”
I quickly crossed my legs, crushing my “pride” in the process. Now it was my turn to tumble onto the floor. However, I did so in pain.
Why did I enjoy that?
Mistress Pinkamena’s mood changed from jovial to worried when she saw me fall, “Oh, my Goddess, Camerashy, are you okay?”
“Yeah, Mistress Pinkamena, I’m good.” I replied, in a register two octaves higher than middle C.
Mistress Pinkamena somersaulted backward to an upright position, smiled and held out a hoof, “Here let me help you up.”
I put my hoof in Mistress Pinkamena’s and with very little effort; she brought me to a full upright position.
With my hoof still in hers I said, “Thank you,” in a register one octave higher than middle C.
Mistress Pinkamena squeezed my hoof with hers with a viselike grip and yanked me close to her, head butting me near the base of my horn in the process. She stunned herself a little, but quickly recovered. She played it off like she meant for heads to collide, however, I think she accidentally pulled me harder than she meant to.
Her eyes spun around in her head for a couple seconds then they narrowed into a scowl, “Thank. You. Who ?”
“Thank you, Mistress Pinkamena.” I said in my normal register as I my body shuddered and my eyes rolled back in my head on their own accord.
Why did that phrase turn me on?
Mistress Pinkamena released me from her death grip, smiled brightly, and patted me on the head like she was praising her dog, or I suppose in her case, her alligator, “Good job, Camerashy, you’re learning.”
Mistress Pinkamena hopped back up onto her loveseat and I was about to sit in my folding chair when she moved to the left side and patted the right cushion, “Come on, get up here.”
She had some kind of bewitching hold over me. It must have been the straight mane and tail; I always thought they made her look cuter. However, I was not yet that far gone. I am still a professional and a gentlecolt, and was still, mostly, in control of what was left of my faculties. In addition, she was out of cupcakes, so I found the strength I needed to deny Mistress Pinkamena her behest.
“I am sorry, Mistress Pinkamena, but I cannot grant that request, and it would be very unprofessional of me to do so. Therefore, I will just- What in Tartarus?”
Somehow, while I was verbally denying Mistress Pinkamena, my body had mysteriously crawled up onto the loveseat on its own accord, and suddenly, without realizing it, I was seated at her right hoof.
I used to be a professional and a gentlecolt, now I was just scum, letting my primal urges take over like that. I forced my brain to take control of my limbs before I did something that, admittedly, would have been very enjoyable, but ultimately, would have reduced me to nothing more than a carnal beast that lives to serve a false mistress. With sheer brain and willpower, I forced myself off Mistress Pinkamena’s loveseat and onto the floor. I turned around and forced myself to bow.
“Mistress Pinkamena, I consider myself a professional and a gentlecolt. However, I cannot accept your invitation and still consider myself either. I am so very sorry, because right now I must be both and not listen to the raging ‘beast’ that dwells beneath.”
The chains of chivalry are heavy, indeed.
I stood back up. Mistress Pinkamena’s face was stolid, and then, once again, she burst out laughing uncontrollably. “Oh, my Goddess, Camerashy, Twilight’s right, you are very uptight! Tartarus, you’re so uptight I think that stick up your plot has a stick up its own plot! You’ve got to loosen up; you don’t need to be so formal. All your formality will get you are more and more awkward situations.”
The more I try to be a gentlecolt, the more outrageously these mares act. The more I try to be a professional, the more weird situations they put me in. However, I decided that I would stick to my principles. This was my first real assignment as a reporter since I was hired at Hoof Beat; and I was not going to let anypony ruin my steadfast resolve.
Buck that.
“Okay, Mistress Pinkamena, I am going to be brave here, and ask you a difficult question. Since you were the one who brought up songs; which one of the songs from Friendship is Magic is your favorite? Remember, you asked me to take the stick out of my plot, if you get violent, I just might stick it right back up there… That came out wrong… So did that.”
“Hee, hee, hee. That was funny. Okay, you earned it. My favorite song was ‘Giggle at the Ghosties.’”
That answer came easier than I thought it would.
I learned my lesson from my first question and made sure I spelled out exactly what I wanted to ask her, “Why then, Mistress Pinkamena, is ‘Giggle at the Ghosties’ your favorite song from Friendship is Magic?”
“Because it was the very first song in the entire series, and it was mine . That is, until everything went wrong. They said my voice was too ‘goofy ’ to sing it.” Mistress Pinkamena became crestfallen, “My voice is not goofy, is it?
A few seconds of awkward silence passed then Mistress Pinkamena got panicky. She crushed my pectorals in her hooves as she yanked me closer and started crying in a loud, goofy voice, “Well, is my voice goofy or not?”
It would have been mean, unprofessional, ungentlecoltly, and unwise to tell her the truth. In addition, I was afraid that if I was honest with her she would squeeze harder and I would pass out. Who knows what these crazy mares would do to me while I was unconscious. Therefore, I did the logical thing and lied through my teeth, which were clenched in pain, “Of course not, Mistress Pinkamena, I think you have a lovely voice.” It was not really a lie, just a slight omission of the truth.
Mistress Pinkamena squeezed me harder and cried louder and goofier, “YOU’RE JUST SAYING THAT!”
The pain was making it hard to stay conscious, “I’m sorry, Mistress Pinkamena, yes, your voice is a little goofy, but only sometimes, and in a very cute way. The rest of the time you have a very lovely voice, and I mean that.”
Mistress Pinkamena was not buying it and her grip was getting tighter. Twilight was not kidding when she told me not to mention the voice dubbing. The breath was being crushed out of body and soon, if I did not think fast, I would pass out. A burst of inspiration came to me moments before I was going to faint. My right hoof crossed my heart, I flapped my forelegs like wings and my left hoof poked my left eye as I recited the Pinkie Promise, “Cross my heart, and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” Her grip slowly loosened and the pain slowly ebbed.
Nothing like a moment of abject terror to make you feel alive.
Finally, Mistress Pinkamena let me go and a smile popped onto her face, “Oh, well then, it must be true ‘cause nopony breaks a Pinkie Promise.” Her expression once again turned ominous, “At least they better not.” After that addendum, Mistress Pinkamena was once again bright and cheerful.
What else could go wrong? As if the Moirai themselves were listening to my thoughts, “somehow” the back two legs of Mistress Pinkamena’s loveseat broke simultaneously. No longer balanced, the loveseat fell backwards taking Mistress Pinkamena along for the ride. She tumbled, head over hooves, longer than I expected she would.
“Mother of Celestia, Mistress Pinkamena, whatever happened? Are you alright?”
Mistress Pinkamena rolled backwards one final time and landed on her hooves, dusted herself off, and smiled brightly. “Right as rain, Camerashy! Hee, hee, hee, that sure was weird, wasn’t it?”
“Indeed, Mistress Pinkamena, whatever could have caused that? It sure is too bad that your loveseat broke.”
Mistress Pinkamena examined the damage, “Weird, it looks like the legs were cut. Oh, well, there’s more where that came from.”
Mistress Pinkamena pushed the broken loveseat out of the way and once again, she reached behind herself and once again, out of nowhere, pulled a large, pink velvet loveseat that into the back of which her cutie mark was stitched.
“Did that one come from the internet as well, Mistress Pinkamena?” I asked flatly.
“No, I have loveseats stashed all over Equestria in case of loveseat emergencies.” Mistress Pinkamena said with a huge smile as she hopped onto her new loveseat.
Once again, I involuntarily face hoofed.
Possibly sensing my bewilderment, Mistress Pinkamena added, “It did originally come from the internet, and so did all the others I have stashed everywhere. This one isn’t even number two, its more like number forty-two.”
Wearily I asked, “Mistress Pinkamena, do you mean to tell me you have forty more of these hidden somewhere all over the world?”
“Hee, hee! No, that would be silly, I have a hundred and ninety-eight more of these hidden somewhere all over the world!”
I had no idea how to respond to that. Dealing with Mistress Pinkamena was making me sick to my stomach. However, it may have been the Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness Cupcake coming back to bite me on the plot. Either way I only had a couple more questions before I was finished talking to her, and that thought made me sad. Because, being as nerve-racking as she was, there was something… wondrously fun about her.
“Mistress Pinkamena, who is your favorite villain from Friendship is Magic?”
“Changing the subject, huh? Fine, I suppose if I had to choose-”
My stomach started gurgling.
“it would beeee-”
My stomach began to churn.
“um, I feel weird saying it, but the fans call her ‘Pinkamena Diane Pie,’ or me, from ‘Party of One.’”
Mother of Celestia, it was the cupcake.
There was an immense, gaseous pressure building up in my… stomach.
“Whoa, Camerashy, why are you blushing so hard? Is Pinkamena Diane Pie your favorite villain, too?”
“Mistress Pinkamena, I am extremely sorry for what I am about to do.”
FFFFWWWWAAAAMMMMP! The fart resonated throughout the entire building, being a soundstage and all. However, the pressure was subsided, for now. The eyes and attention of various crewmembers that were milling about were drawn to the source of the sound, me. I stood up and bowed profusely, “Excuse me. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so, so, so, sorry. That was so very rude of me, Mistress Pinkamena, please; forgive me my obnoxious lack of tact.”
For the second time today, my chin was resting on the floor while I waited for a response from the mare I offended.
“You’re excused, and you’re right, that was tactless. I mean, you could have just gone into the recording booth to fart, we all do it. Tartarus, we’ve even nicknamed it the ‘fart box.’ It’s soundproof, and it even has a little exhaust fan and flue to suck the stink out. Do you see all of those little cardboard pine trees? They‘re not for decoration. But, you didn’t know about the fart box, so you’re forgiven,” Mistress Pinkamena reached down, lifted my chin up, giggled, and winked, “this time.”
“Thank you, Mistress Pinkamena.” Once again, my body shuddered and my eyes rolled back in my head on their own accord.
Why does that phrase feels more… right each time I say it?
“Why is Crazy Pinkie,” Mistress Pinkamena’s expression became what I assume is murderous at the mention of the phrase “Crazy Pinkie,” so I quickly changed my wording. “Excuse me, why is Pinkamena Diane Pie your favorite villain, Mistress Pinkamena?”
“Because it was the first time that I, and not the filly playing young me, was able to be on camera without the mane and tail appliances. But, that’s not the only reason. I like her because the ‘bronies’ started calling her by my full name. Nopony ever calls me by my full name, not even my closest friends, not even when I’m not wearing the appliances. Everypony calls me ‘Pinkie’ or ‘Pinkie Pie.’”
A single tear rolled down Mistress Pinkamena’s cheek.
“That‘s so-”
A naughty smile appeared on Mistress Pinkamena’s face and she chuckled wickedly as she spoke in a voice that was barely audible, “Except in my dungeon.”
“I’m sorry, Mistress Pinkamena, what was that?” I asked as though I failed to hear her.
“Nothing, nothing at all.”
“Well, then is there anything else that…you…would…like-”
Once again, my stomach started gurgling and churning. This time, however, the sensation was intensely more excruciating. I have felt this pain so very many times before that, to me, it was almost second nature. I knew what was coming; I knew where I needed to go; and I knew how much time I had to get there. However, I also just realized that I had just spoken without saying “Mistress Pinkamena.”
Mistress Pinkamena once again grabbed my left pectoral with her right hoof and squeezed, and with a scowl that was once threatening, but now I found endearing, or at least I would have if more pressing matters were not presently weighing heavily on my… mind, said, “Excuse me?”
“My deepest apologies, Mistress Pinkamena, I really enjoyed our time together. However, I am afraid that I can no longer play with you. I must now take my leave as something seems to be about to come up. Or out, as might be the case. Now, if you will excuse me, I must beat a hasty retreat.”
“No.”
“I’m sorry, Mistress Pinkamena?”
“I won’t let you leave until you… um… kiss my hoof. If you don’t want to make a mess then-”
I grabbed Mistress Pinkamena’s front left and kissed it. “Without question, Mistress Pinkamena, after all it is the gentlcoltly thing to do.” I started to walk away, “Good bye, it has been a pleas-”
I was stopped short, both mid sentence and in my tracks, because Mistress Pinkamena refused to unhoof me.
“No, I meant my hind hoof. Since you did it wrong, you will now have to kiss them both .”
I had no time to argue, the scatological clock was ticking and soon the alarm would sound. So I leaned down and-
“NO! GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES!”
My bowel had taken over control of my brain and motor functions, causing me to instantly drop to my knees and kiss Mistress Pinkamena’s hind hooves.
“Very good now you may-”
However, Mistress Pinkamena was too late; I was already at full gallop heading to the Stallions’ Room. Because of my plot of steel, I was able to get there without incident.
Author's Note
Pony puns are hard, and I do not like doing them. However, I figured since it was Pinkie Pie, I would fit in as many as I could. Although putting them all together in a single sentence, might have been folly. Doctor Whooves and Equestria Championship Wrestling were the easiest to come up with. Buck Rogers was my favorite, I laughed so hard when I thought of it. The others I came up with when I was AFK. Also, I think Marelin and Real Horsewives of Las Pegasus was stretching it a bit, but they went in anyway. Because it was Pinkie Pie, I wanted the list to be as ridiculous as possible so I kept them in.
Behind The Scenes at Friendship Is Magic
Twilight had left me with a conundrum, three doors, two of which might have nasty surprises behind them.
Ha! Twilight thinks she’s won, but I can just use my magic to find the safest door.
I used my magic to probe behind the door on the left. However, before I was able to see anything, I stopped abruptly because it felt as if my horn had just been kicked.
“YE-OUCH!”
Afterward the same addendum etched itself into all three doors simultaneously.
Uh-uh-uh, noooo peeking!
“Okay, fine.” I grumbled under my breath as I tenderly tried to rub the pain in my horn away. However, it was not working. My horn had gone numb.
Note to self, a magical kick to the horn hurts worse than a normal one.
I tried to cast a simple levitation spell, however, I was hit with magic feedback, which consisted of a sharp ringing in my ears, a throbbing headache, and the sensation of my horn being stung by a swarm of angry Monkey Bees. Robbed of the use of my magic, I had no choice but to leave picking a door up to blind chance. However, the fact that Twilight stopped me from magically examining the left door made me extra curious as to what was behind it. I walked up to the door on the left and lifted my hoof to open it. Suddenly, the other two doors started glowing. They shook violently and quickly sank back into the roof as though they were never there.
I guess, now that I’ve made my choice, I have to stick with it.
The messages that were etched into the door started to disappear. I turned the knob and pulled on the door only to find out it was locked.
More than a little miffed I shouted, “Twilight! The Luna dammed door is locked!”
I could swear a sweat drop appeared on the door as a clicking noise came from the other side. I turned the knob and pulled on the door again and this time the door opened. I knew better than to just to step in, the inside was pitch black. It was darker than a cloudy, Luna’s moonless night.
With Twilight blocking my magic, I had no choice but to physically “test the waters.” I felt around just on the other side of the threshold, the first two inches felt solid. I reached in another two inches, still solid. I was emboldened so I reached in another four inches; whatever was beneath my hoof was still solid. I slid my hoof left to right, and whatever was inside went from wall to wall. I got closer and reached in another six inches; it was still solid. However, as I pulled my hoof of the gaping black hole, I noticed the entire hard surface was on the same plane.
“No stairs, it feels like a floor of some sort.”
I reached my fore hoof in once again and stomped on the floor as hard as I could three times.
CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!
The floor was metal, and quite sturdy. However, I did not want to go inside, the floor might have felt solid, but I knew better. That was when I realized that I could just use the fire escape. However, I had no idea where it was, but it would not be too hard to find, the roof was square, after all. There were only four options, and it was not on the wall behind me, so that narrowed it down to three. I trotted to the wall along which were the picnic table, the grill, and the bar.
“Yes! Got it in one!”
The fire escape was attached to the wall three meters to the left of the bar. It was only one and a half meters below the rooftop, so I jumped down to it. It took me a moment to realize that I was standing on magical barrier. A violet magical barrier. A violet magical barrier that I was slowly sinking into.
“Eew, gross! It feels like molasses mixed with grape jelly!” I bemoaned aloud.
I stopped sinking half way up my flank, covering the bottom half of my Cutie mark. My hooves were stuck, hovering just half a meter from the fire escapes floor. Obviously, Twilight’s beautiful, evil mind was light years ahead of mine, and she had long since made sure to eliminate the fire escape as a viable option. With quite a bit of effort, I struggled to pull my left foreleg out of the thick, goopy magical barrier. It slowly emerged with a sickening *SCHLOOOORRRRP-POP!* I examined it, there was no gross magical residue on it, also, the bloodstain was gone. Hopefully, this meant that when I finally got out, I would not be covered in a mysterious unknown fluid. With my front left hoof out of the magical muck, I tried to get a grip to pull out my front right. However, my front left just sank back into violet goo.
I was trapped, I had no choice but to humble myself and ask for help from the adorkable psychopath who put me in this predicament, I shouted to the sky, “Twilight! I’m stuck flank deep in your sticky magical essence!… …I realize I probably shouldn’t have shouted that! Anyway, could you please help me out of it!?”
A powerful violet glow enveloped my entire body and lifted me out of the gooey magical barrier. Being the only Unicorn in my entire family, I had never before been levitated. The sensation was incredible! It was as if a trillion tiny tingly hooves were grabbing, groping, and fondling every single millimeter of my body as they carried me back to the roof. Every. Single. Millimeter. This was the first time I have ever experienced this stimulating sensation, and despite my objections, my body was enjoying it way too much. Does being levitated always feel this… amazing? It took every bit of willpower I had not to give myself over to absolute pleasure.
Twilight’s magic slowly, very slowly, painfully slowly carried me, not just to the roof, but also to directly in front of the door, and set me down. I collapsed to my knees and tried to catch my breath while I becalmed the excitement that Twilight’s levitation had built up. When my enthusiasm finally ebbed, it was time to step inside the mysterious portal before me.
I could not see anything while inside, and to make matters worse, the door closed behind me. While locked inside I could not hear anything outside, not even ambient noise, like birds singing, or the wind blowing. All that I could hear was the beating of my heart, my own breathing, and the clanging of my hooves on the hard metal floor as I shifted my weight from leg to leg.
I do not know the tiny room’s exact dimensions; however, it was long, wide, and tall enough to be just barely big enough for me to fit into, as long as I did not try to turn around. I restlessly stood in that small, confining sensory depravation chamber for seven minutes, waiting for something, anything to happen. The only thing that happed was that the tingling in my horn slowly subsided. However, I refrained from using magic for fear of having my horn reinjured by Twilight.
The fear of not knowing what comes next, the suspense of having to wait for it, and the terror of absolutely nothing happening while I waited, started to enter my mind at minute four. I was about to voice a complaint, however, before I could, the floor fell open and I plummeted.
“AAAHHH-OOF-WWWAAAGGGHHH!” I screamed as I fell about two meters, then I landed on something hard, metal, and slick. It was a stallion sized twisty slide, and when you do not know that you are going to be on one, it is very disorienting when you suddenly are, especially when you are in complete darkness.
I was in complete darkness for the first two thirds of the ride, the last third was brightly lit, blindingly so. I was not in the light long enough for my eyes to adjust before my ride came to a strangely soft end. I landed flank first on a lumpy pillow. A lumpy pillow that seemed to be vibrating.
“MMPH-MMPH-MMPH! MMPH-MMPH-MMPH!”
“That doesn’t sound like vibration; that sounds like muffled speech.” I looked behind myself, to find a yellow tail and the back of an orange body. Peeking out from beneath my short red tail, was a yellow mane that was tied off at the end. To the right of my right hind leg was a brown Stetson.
“MMPH-MMPH-MMPH! MMPH-MMPH-MMPH! MMPH, NOW!”
With that “NOW,” Applejack pulled her head up, sending me tumbling forward.
“Where in Tartarus, did that slide come from, how’d ya git on it? Whut’s this sticky stuff in mah mane?” The slide that was conjured by Twilight’s magic disappeared when Applejack turned to ask me how I happened to be on it. She turned around to find the slide gone and yelled angrily at the sky, “Twilight! Whut’s the big idea throwin’ this very male Rarity analogue at me?”
“ Very male?” Sweet.
Applejack put her hat back on, then turned her wrath on me, “An, you ! Cain’t ya watch where yer fallin’? Who in Tartarus are ya anyway? Whut’s the big idea of landin’ on me? Did Twilight put ya up to this? What’s wrong with ya, why won’t ya answer me?”
“Um, uh, Twilight magicked the slide into existence. I fell onto it from above. I’m pretty sure you don’t want to know what that sticky stuff is. Not really, I was blinded when I landed. I’m Camerashy; I’m from Hoof Beat Magazine. You just happened to be at the bottom of the slide when I fell off. No, but I think she wants me to interview you next. Ponies tell me I’m too uptight. I am politely waiting for you to stop speaking so that I can answer you. By the way, that ‘very male’ comment was very kind of you, thank you.”
Applejack quietly regarded me. “Ya know, if ya hit Sapphire Shores in the back of the head with a semi-hard-on, she’d throw yer flank in prison. Then, when, or more likely, if ya finally got out, ya’d have to go door to door havin’ everypony sign a li’l form whenever you moved into a new neighborhood. I, on the other hoof, would just kick ya.”
“Please, don’t. I’ve already been head butted and magically kicked in the horn today.”
Applejack loomed ominously behind me, “I was thinkin’ of kickin’ ya a might lower than yer head.”
“Please don’t kick me there either.” I begged, as I quickly turned around and slowly backed away, “I’ve already had that crushed today as well.”
“Heh, heh, heh, now that ya mention it, ya do look like ya’ve been through Tartarus.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Ya look like Twi midways through ‘Lesson Zero.’ Well, minus the crazy manedoo.” Applejack said, as she noogied my head where my forelock should have been.
“Come on, I don’t think I look that bad.” A feeling of unnamable dread washed over me and I shouted to the sky instinctively, “But I mean that in the nicest possible way!”
Great, now she’s even got me doing it.
“Ha! Now she’s even got you doin’ it!” Applejack said this at the exact same time I thought it.
I blushed as I rubbed the back of my neck and smiled wearily, “Um, yes, apparently. I’ve only been here a couple of hours and she has me trained like her pet owl.” I looked around and realized that I did not recognize this part of the building. It was a huge room filled with shelves, boxes, and a large number of unwieldy random esoterica from the show. “Where are we, anyway?”
“I guess ya could call this a giant closet, we store the props and the practical effects in here. See? Here’s Twi’s wings, these are some back-up wigs and tails for Pinkie, here are a couple of mah lassos, and these over here are The Great and Powerful Trixie's wheel-less carriages, the wooden one and the glorious golden four-poster bed one.”
I was too confused at the impossibility of the existence of this room to be impressed. “How- how- how is this place even here? There is nothing outside that even hint’s that this place even exists.”
Applejack’s face became solemn, “Do ya really wanna know?”
“Yes, of course, the fact that I know that this place exists will drive me mad if I don’t find out the why and how.”
“Are ya sure? ‘Cause knowin’ the why and how might drive ya mad faster.”
“I’ve seen Fluttershy destroy a cement wall without even trying, I almost swallowed the grass on the roof, I’ve talked to ‘Mistress Pinkamena,’ and still I am sane, but just barely. However, if I don’t find out the why and how of this place’s existence, I may go cupcakes.”
“‘Go cupcakes?’ Whut does that even mean?”
“Seriously? You don’t- Never mind, it doesn’t matter, I’m too decent or cowardly to do so anyway. I believe I can take it, so, if you would, please explain this place to me.”
Applejack shrugged, “Okay, don’t say I didn’t warn ya. This place was literally dreamed up by Pinkie Pie; then it was made real by Princess Luna and Princess Celestia. Pinkie had a dream about a large storage area that existed nowhere and everywhere at the same time, she called it ‘Hammerspace.’ She told Princess Celestia about it, who told Princess Luna, who dove into Pinkie’s dreams and made this place real.”
My eyes widened in terror, “Please tell me we’re not in Mistress Pinkamena’s head.”
“Nope, we’re not. Princess Luna, with the help of Princess Celestia, pulled the Hammerspace out of Pinkie’s mind.”
I breathed a sigh of relief, “Then, where is it, or rather, where are we?”
“Like it was in Pinkie’s dream, we’re in a magical place that exists nowhere and everywhere all at once.”
“I know how I got here, but how did you get here, Applejack?”
“The only way non-magical types and everypony else who’s not Pinkie can git in here,” Applejack gestured behind herself at a huge white void, “through the door.”
In the middle of the white void, on what appeared to be where the floor met the wall (it was hard to tell, because there was no line of horizon, in fact the only way to tell there was a floor were the shelves, items and ponies standing on it), was a door. The door was just a normal, wooden, interior door.
“What door in the studio leads to this ‘Hammerspace?’”
“All the interior doors in the studio lead here.”
“How?”
“Every inside door in the studio has a permanent enchantment on it, which was placed there by Princess Celestia herself, which can be activated by anypony who has the pass-code. If ya enter it correctly, the door ya use becomes a portal ta this place. Once ya step through, the door closes behind ya, and outside of Hammerspace, a picture of a hammer appears on both sides of the door, and that door cain’t be used ta git here until it’s exited through on this side, although it can still be used as a regular door. If somepony else needs ta git in here, they enter the pass-code on a different door and the door appears next ta the one, or ones that are already here. When this happens, since all the exit doors look exactly the same, the ponies’ cutie marks appear on the door that they used, so that they can return ta the same place where they entered Hammerspace.”
“What happens if somepony exits through the wrong door?”
“More’n one pony can enter and exit through the same door. Say Ah’m in here and RD also comes in through her own door, and then she leaves through mah door. Her door would disappear and become available for Hammerspace use; and she would come out of Hammerspace from wherever Ah entered. As long as somepony is still in here, and they came in through a door, one door will always stay, that way, nopony will git trapped in here.”
“What is the pass-code to enter this place?”
“Ah can only tell ya that if’n ya promise not ta tell anypony else or put it in yer article, ya know, fer security reasons.”
I Pinkie promised not to reveal the secret entrance code and Applejack demonstrated to me what it was. “Well, that’s just silly.”
“It was Pinkie’s idea.”
“Then I suppose that it could have been sillier. Why is this... space called ‘Hammerspace?’”
“‘Cause that’s whut it was called in Pinkie’s dream and nopony else could think of a better name.” Applejack gasped as something occurred to her, “Stay right here, Ah wanna show ya my favorite prop, Ah’ll be right back.” She ran off and disappeared between the shelves.
With no discernible way to tell where the floor ended and the wall began (or vice-versa), I just stood in place. I could not even tell if the door was small and close or big and far away. I looked up and could not tell how close or far away the ceiling was. Was it just a few inches above the two and a half meter tall shelves, or was it several miles? I obviously could not rely on the height of the magic slide that unceremoniously dumped me in here to get a good reading on the enormousness of this magic void.
“MU-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!”
The gravelly, ominous laugh came from behind me. I turned around and came face to goat knee with Discord.
“BUCK!” I shouted as I quickly backed away. I stopped backing away after about half a meter when I realized that Discord was no longer completely evil. “Oh, wait, you’re not evil anymore. Sorry, you startled me; please, forgive my foul mouth and knee-jerk reaction.”
“That’s okay; your reaction wasn’t as bad as those of some ponies, also I was never evil.”
I was in awe because I was in the presence of the most powerful magical being in the entire world (and if he says he was never evil, who am I to argue). If not for the Elements of Harmony and his reformation, he would still be the ultimate ruler of the world, and this year would have marked the six thousand three hundred sixty-second anniversary of his tyrannical yet silly reign. Well, approximately, most of the books and scrolls from that time were either lost or destroyed, by either the princesses, Discord, or the ravages of time.
“Hello, I’m Camerashy,” I said as I genuflected, “I apologize, I meant no disrespect. I suppose it would be more correct to say, ‘no longer malevolently mischievous?’” I continued as I stood back up. “I didn’t expect to see you here, but if you can wait until after my interview with Applejack, I would love to ask you some questions.”
“Ah don’t think that’ll be possible, ‘cause Ah ain’t really Discord.”
Applejack’s voice was coming from Discord’s mouth, or rather, from above his head. I looked up, and there was Applejack, lying atop one of the top shelves, controlling Discord like a mareionette. I squeezed Discord’s goat leg; it was made of foam rubber. His mane was made from broom bristles; his lion paw was made from gold lamé. His eagle claw was a mechanical, motorized claw from a UFO Catcher. His antler was a small UHF antenna. His bat wing was made from taffeta. His Pegasus wing was made from molted feathers and wax. His fang was a broken arrowhead; and his horn looked like it was a sock stuffed with cotton. How could I have missed all of that? To paraphrase one of Hoity-Toity’s lines from “Suited for Success,” he was a piled on mish-mash of everything but the kitchen sink. He. Was. Magnificent.
“Discord is a mareionette?”
“Actually, he’s a Mareppet. You know, like The Mareppet Movie, The Mareppet Show, and The Mareppets Take Manehatten? It’s the big lie of the show. We cain’t use real villains like Discord in the show ‘cause they’re too unpredictable, so Princess Luna hired the Gem Hen Son Company ta make a life sized Discord Mareppet. She told ’em ta make ’im as eclectic as possible, and two weeks later, they delivered this guy. He was operated by Princess Celestia’s magic, M.C. read Discord’s lines durin’ filmin’, and then a voice over artist was hired to be his voice for the sweetenin’.”
“I guess Discord’s not a fan of puppeteers, huh?” I said with a cheeky glint in my eye.
“Ah don’t know, we never asked ‘em.” Applejack replied without a clue in the world.
“Seriously?” I asked, crestfallen. “Oh, well, I suppose it doesn’t matter. I was going to say that you do an excellent imitation of Discord’s voice, however, I suppose it would be more correct to say you do an excellent imitation of Discord’s voice actor.”
Applejack blushed, “Aw shucks, t’ain’t no big deal.”
I shrugged and nonchalantly said, “Alright, whatever.” Getting a modicum of revenge for her lack of fandom knowledge.
“Well, you could make a l’il fuss over it.” Applejack said, slightly offended.
I could no longer hide my cheeky smile or contain my laughter.
“Hardy, har,” Applejack deadpanned.
“Sorry, you voice imitation skills are quite impressive. Could we go somewhere for our interview?”
Applejack pulled the Discord Mareppet up to the top shelf, climbed down and stood in front of me, “Why don’t we stay here? It’s quiet, nopony’ll bother us, and we have a comfortable place ta sit on The Great and Powerful Trixie's Alicorn sized glorious golden four-poster wheel-less bed-carriage.”
I blushed at the thought of getting into bed with Applejack. However, I am a professional and a gentlecolt, and I can control my baser instincts. Besides, Applejack scared me, I always thought there was something… wrong about her, and today, I was going to find out why.
Applejack climbed up onto The Great and Powerful Trixie's Alicorn sized glorious golden four-poster wheel-less bed-carriage and sat at the head of the bed by the left post and I sat on the diagonal from her at the foot of the bed by the right post.
When she saw where I had sat, Applejack patted the mattress next to her and said, “Come on, ya can sit a might closer.”
“No, it wouldn’t be proper,” I said somberly as I averted my eyes, “and after my first question, you may not want me in your presence at all.”
Applejack’s eyes widened as she raised her eyebrow.
“The question is about your,” I made the air quote motion with my front fetlocks, “‘apple farm.’”
“Why’d ya put ‘apple farm’ in quotes?”
“Because I don’t think ‘apple farm’ is quite the right term to describe your homestead. ‘Ranch’ may be the more apropos term.” I paused a moment to let what I said sink in.
Applejack seemed intrigued at the direction our interview was going. This might have been the biggest piece of news I have ever stumbled upon, or the dumbest question I will ever ask.
“Go on.”
“Okay, to start off with, Sweet Apple Acres looks to be bigger than all of Ponyville. In ‘The Best Night Ever,’ you sold ‘that big apple pie!’ to Soarin’ for two bits. Later, in that same episode, you sold two apple fritters to Rarity for four bits. This means that you charged the same price for a tiny fritter as you do for a large pie. This means that you’re either charging too much for fritters, or not enough for pies. I know how much work goes into making pies, and I know how much work goes into making fritters. Therefore, I believe you‘re not charging enough for your pies.
“In ‘The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000,’ it looks as though you also charge two bits per mug of cider. You also mention that the cider sales keep your business afloat through the winter. If you really make the cider the same way you do in the show, and it really is as high of quality as you say it is, then two bits is hardly enough to charge for a mug of cider.”
“Whut’s yer point?”
“My theory is that you keep your ‘farm’ afloat by trading in something other than apples. In ‘Return of Harmony,’ you have a cornfield. In ‘Family Appreciation Day,’ Apple Bloom, imitating Granny Smith, says, ‘I have to shear the flowers and water the sheep, I mean I have to water the flowers and shear the sheep.’ In ‘One Bad Apple,’ a cow is on your farm. In ‘Show Stoppers,’ the Cutie Mark Crusaders are on your farm feeding pigs. In ‘Sisterhooves Social,” you and Apple Bloom herd sheep together on your farm. You also mention to Sweetie Belle that you and Apple Bloom are collecting the bruised apples to feed to the pigs. In ‘Apple Family Reunion,’ there is a pig dancing with a chicken. Finally, in ‘Applebuck Season,’ it looks as though the cow stampede starts from your farm.”
“Wow, ya sure know a lot about the show.”
“I also know quite a bit about farms. Everything on them serves a purpose in helping them run, nothing is superfluous. For example, dogs help herd and cats catch pests. Obviously, you let the sheep stay on your farm and in return, they let you sell their wool. I assume you split the profits evenly with them. I would think you have the same arrangement with the cows for their milk.”
Applejack sat silently. I believe she knew where my line of reasoning was going.
“Cows and sheep, like ponies, are sentient, sapient, and self-aware. Chickens, however, are more like pets; their minds are not capable of rational thought. However, since they’re on a farm they’re not pets, you sell their eggs. We cannot make cakes without eggs. This brings me to my biggest point.”
Applejack shifted uncomfortably, she knew the question that was coming, but said nothing. I sort of knew what the answer was, but was not certain, and I wanted to get the truth from the horse’s mouth.
I almost lost my nerve to ask, but I forced the question out slowly, almost at a whisper, “Why… keep… pigs?”
After the question was out in the open, it was easier to continue. However, Applejack’s face was stolid.
“Pigs serve no purpose on a farm, you cannot milk them like cows, you cannot shear them like sheep, and they do not lay eggs like chickens. However, like chickens, they’re like pets, they are not capable of rational thought. All pigs do is consume and make messes, why do you keep them? Moreover, every time there are pigs on your farm in the show, they are always different. Why are the pigs on your farm in the show never the same?”
Applejack was stoic as she narrowed her eyes at me, “It seems ya already know the answer ta those questions.”
“I’m afraid that I do, but, I hope I’m wrong. I actually hope you keep them for comic relief. However, I believe the pigs are the reason you can keep a farm that is bigger than the town that it’s on the outskirts of from going under.”
“How do ya think that in a world filled with super powerful carnivores, like manticores and dragons; that herbivores, specifically ponies, became the dominant species?”
I smiled brightly and my heart filled with great reverence as I asked, “Is it because Princess Celestia is an all powerful, benevolent ruler that is a beacon of love and charity that inspires all races to live together in peaceful, joyous harmony?”
“No.”
My fantasy was crushed by one tiny word.
“The world is full of dragons, hydras, minotaurs, manticores, griffons, sea serpents, diamond dogs, and many other bugaboos and whangdoodles that eat meat. Ta make sure as li’l as possible of that meat is pony meat, Princess Celestia struck a bargain with all those races a long time ago, back before Ponyville existed, when Granny Smith was a filly. The entire Apple family is a part of that deal. Princess Celestia pays every Apple family farm a hefty sum ta raise pigs, and, when the pigs reach the proper… when they‘re ready, she sends her representatives ta pick ’em up and they deliver ’em to the representatives of the carnivorous races.”
“What do you mean as little as possible is pony meat?”
“Accidents happen; and it’s not uncommon for a pony ta go wandering somewhere she shouldn’t and never be heard from again. Not even Princess Celestia can stop every single tragedy from happenin’.”
“So, Princess Celestia in her infinite wisdom, sacrifices pigs to the other races so that war doesn’t breakout among ponies and the sentient beings that eat ponies?” My eyes began tearing up. “And you ,” I pointed my left hoof at Applejack as my voice quivered, “are loyal enough to honor her request; sweet enough to care about the carnivores; compassionate enough to do what needs to be done to keep the peace; and honest enough to own up to it when directly asked. Your heart must break each time when the time comes to give up your pigs.”
Tears welled up in Applejack’s eyes, but only for a moment, “It used ta hurt a lot, but after a few years, ya temper yerself, and now, it only hurts as much as sellin’ apples. Poor Apple Bloom, she found out the truth sooner in life then Ah did, and she already knows not ta git attached to the pigs. And poor Fluttershy, she accidentally found out about the arrangement ‘round about a year ago. She was so angry with Princess Celestia that Princess Luna had ta be the one ta console her. Of course, Fluttershy couldn’t do any real harm ta the princess, but the only thing that stopped her from tryin’ was Luna. Celestia understood Fluttershy’s feelin’s though, she didn’t hold it against her.”
“I imagine finding out something like that would drive Fluttershy to all kinds of horrible ends; and I don’t think it would’ve stopped at attempted regicide.”
“After Fluttershy snapped, Princess Celestia decreed that anypony past the age consent who’s clever enough ta wonder about the pigs would be told the whole, unvarnished, ugly truth. Now, I know a lot of yer readers are minors, so I’m gonna ask ya ta consider not including the pig question part of the interview in your story. You were the one who asked, and I told ya, and ya seem to be a reasonable stallion, so you’ll realize that if somepony’s not clever enough to ask the question themselves, then they ain’t ready ta know the truth.”
“Yes, I understand, if Fluttershy almost resorted to regicide because she wasn’t ready to know the truth, who knows what somepony less gentle would do if they found out.”
“Princess Celestia has a sayin’, if they don’t ask, don’t tell em’, if they do ask, tell em’, or somethin’ like that.”
I chuckled as I wiped the tears from my eyes.
“Princess Celestia also said that after we told somepony the truth that we should comfort ‘em or subdue ‘em, dependin’ on the situation. And ya do look like you need some consolation.” Applejack said as she patted an empty spot to the immediate right of herself on the mattress.
I am a professional and a gentlecolt, and I figured that it would be rude to deny the request of a mare who just poured her heart out to me, besides; I was a little emotionally drained myself. Therefore, I crawled to the head of the bed-carriage and seated myself at her right hoof.
“Since it wouldn’t be wise to use my juiciest question in the article, do you mind if we continue with the rest of the interview?”
“That’d be fine; whut would ya like ta ask?”
The same boilerplate I asked everypony else.
“I suppose my first question would be: who is your favorite villain from Friendship is Magic?”
“Ah showed ‘im ta ya earlier, it’s Discord. Ah’ve always been a fan of the Mareppets, Ah grew up watchin’ reruns of The Mareppet Show and Fraggle Rock, and Ah loved Mareppets Tonight. Ah’ve also seen every Mareppet movie. When Ah found out that Discord would be a Mareppet, and that we were hirin’ the Gem Hen Son Company, Ah was as giddy as a schoolfilly. Ah think Luna’s as big a Mareppet fan as Ah am; ‘cause she was all too eager ta hire the Gem Hen Son Company herself.”
I smiled as I leaned to my right and looked up into Applejack’s green eyes. Why is every mare here taller than I am? It’s somewhat humiliating.
“You know, you’re the first pony to name an actual villain when I asked that question. Everypony else named an antagonist, or somepony else who was just the weekly guest star. Mistress Pinkamena’s favorite villain was just herself from ‘Party of One.’”
Ah don’t mean to pry, but why do ya keep callin’ her ‘Mistress Pinkamena?’”
I looked around Hammerspace from my seat on The Great and Powerful Trixie's Alicorn sized glorious golden four-poster wheel-less bed-carriage to make sure we were alone, “We made a deal, I call her ‘Mistress Pinkamena,’ and she won’t beat me to a bloody pulp.”
Applejack rolled her eyes and whispered under her breath, “She’s added another one ta her stable, huh?”
“I wouldn’t say that, it may be true, but I wouldn’t say it.”
Applejack blushed as she pulled her Stetson over her eyes, “Uh, Ah didn’t think ya heard that.”
“Sorry, I have impeccable hearing; besides, I’m only sitting a couple centimeters away from you.”
The more red Applejack’s face got, the more she looked like her brother.
“Perhaps we should- LUNA’S LUCIOUS LIPS, WHAT THE BUCK ARE THOSE?” I shouted as I pointed in fear at two humongous pink pillars emerged from somewhere near the upper echelons of Hammerspace.
Applejack jumped when I shouted, however, when she removed her hat from he face, she did not seem at all worried, in fact, a slightly smug smile danced across her face. I stared in horror as the two massive pillars quickly descended into Hammerspace. Applejack braced herself by grabbing the nearest bedpost a few seconds before the immense pillars landed with a loud THUD! somewhere fairly close, shaking the whole of Hammerspace and knocking me down onto my face. Luckily, The Great and Powerful Trixie's Alicorn sized glorious golden four-poster wheel-less bed-carriage was soft and fluffy. The giant pillars started moving around, as though they were searching for something, all the while shaking the whole of Hammerspace and making a horrible, nerve-racking scraping noise.
I covered my ears with my hooves, tried to brace myself, and as the horrible scraping and shaking continued, I shouted, “W-w-what i-i-in Ta-a-arta-a-aru-u-us i-i-is go-o-oi-i-ing o-o-on?! W-w-what t-t-the bu-u-uck a-a-are tho-o-ose thi-i-ings?!”
“W-w-wait fe-e-er i-i-it!” Applejack shouted above the noise.
Three and a half minutes of shaking and scraping later…
“Thi-i-i-s i-i-is t-a-a-aki-i-in’ a mi-i-i-ght lo-o-onger-r-r tha-a-an i-i-it u-u-usua-a-all-y-y-y do-o-oes!” Applejack shouted over the horrible din.
I was in full on panic mode, “F-f-for s-s-some re-e-easo-n-n-n, thi-i-i-s is-s-s li-i-i-fe now-ow-ow!”
Three more minutes of the scraping and rumbling had passed and Applejack and I had finally gotten used to it. Kind of like having a pain for years, you either forget it is there, or you become used to it as a natural part of life. We had regained our balance, no longer needed to cover our ears, and reacquired the steadiness of our voices. However, we did still have to shout over the noise as we bobbed up and down, and shook back and forth on The Great and Powerful Trixie's Alicorn sized glorious golden four-poster wheel-less bed-carriage. Luckily, for the both of us, it had a canopy and there were not any heavy items above it that could have crashed through, although that may have been by design. However, the constant shaking did knock the Discord Mareppet off his perch on the shelf where Applejack had put him and to the part of Hammerspace that I assumed was the floor; because as I said, there are no lines of horizon.
It looked like he was smiling at me, laughing at my confusion. I could not help but laugh, as I shouted above the din, “I curse the name, the one behind it all: DISCORD!”
“This ain’t Discord’s doin’, sugar cube! Besides, I already told ya, that ain’t really Discord, it’s a Mareppet!”
“What?! No, I know that! I was just- never mind!” I loudly sighed in frustration as I continued. “Are you ever going to tell me what those giant pillars are!?”
“Well! From their color and the way they’re movin’ around, I’d say they’re Pinkie’s forelegs!”
“What?! How is that even possible?!”
“That’s easy! She’s Pinkie Pie! But, if’n ya want a more detailed answer, it’s that since she was the one who dreamed it up, Pinkie is the only non-Unicorn that can access Hammerspace without using the door trick! Did ya ever see her do that thing where she reached behind herself and pulled somethin’ outta nowhere?! Well, this is where those things are stored!”
“That happens instantaneously, though! It only takes her a few seconds to reach behind herself and pull something out! Right now, however, we are going onto the eight minute mark!”
“Time in here is exaggerated! An hour in here is only a second in the real world! You could spend a year in here and only a day would pass outside!”
“Oh! Just like the Hyperbolic Time Chamber! That made no sense either!”
Applejack looked at me with the most confused look I have ever seen on a pony and shouted, “Ah don’t know whut that is!”
Once again, I involuntarily face hoofed. “Oh, come-”
Suddenly Mistress Pinkamena’s massive forelegs stopped moving, and the scraping and shaking that was rocking Hammerspace also ceased.
“ON!” I finished my exclamation a little too loudly considering the fact we were sitting in silence. I was a little embarrassed to be the one to be shouting when the noise stopped, so, for some reason, with a blush, I apologized, “Sorry.”
The sudden silence caught our attention; we both looked up and saw Mistress Pinkamena’s foreleg pillars ascending caring a wheelbarrow that contained a multi-layered cake that looked like a wedding cake.
I turned to Applejack with a look of consternation on my face and asked, “Who keeps a wedding cake in a wheelbarrow?”
“Pinkie Pie.” Applejack answered matter-of-factly.
Once again, I involuntarily face hoofed.
I am a professional and a gentlecolt, so it was easy for me to hide the frustration in my voice, “Okay, moving on.”
“Yeah, did ya say ‘Luna’s luscious lips’ when you first saw Pinkies hooves come down?”
“No! I mean, yes, I mean, it’s an expletive.” I said as I started sweating and my eyes quickly shifted back and forth.
“Not where Ah come from it ain’t.”
“It is where I come from?” I offered with the world’s third worse poker face.
“Fair enough.”
Strangely enough, for being the Element of Honesty, Applejack could not tell when she was being lied to. Thank Celestia
“If we could continue on with the interview, my next question is: What is your favorite song from Friendship is Magic?”
“The only song Ah git to sing by mahself, without the help of the others, is in season three, but, Ah wouldn’t say that it’s mah favorite. It’s too new. Ah would say that mah favorite song is ‘Art of the Dress,’ from ‘Suited for Success.’”
“Really? I would never have expected that.”
“And why not? D’Ya think Ah’m not classy enough to like a song about dresses?”
I could not tell if Applejack was kidding or if she was righteously indignant. Therefore, I decided to err on the side of caution and apologize.
“I’m sorry, I apologize. I meant no offence.” Huh, I have been saying that a lot today. “I just meant that everypony else I have interviewed so far today said their favorite song was one in which their character was the main, or, one of the main vocalists. I must say, it is refreshing to talk to somepony who does not seem to be shamelessly promoting themselves.”
Blushing, misjudging my weight and the slipperiness of the silk bed coverings, and not realizing her own strength, Applejack pushed me so hard that I slid to the edge and fell off The Great and Powerful Trixie's Alicorn sized glorious golden four-poster wheel-less bed-carriage. “Shucks, Ah didn’t mean it like that, Ah just enjoyed the chorography between Rarity and the dress forms. It took a lot of work and it paid off in a big way. Hay, where’d ya go?”
While Applejack was talking I landed, painfully, on my back. What I assume to be the floor of Hammerspace was very hard. Oddly enough, I landed next to the Discord Mareppet in the same position that he was in. I swear this thing is laughing at me. When she inquired as to my whereabouts, I raised my left fore hoof and waved it back and forth, “I’m down here, I’ll be back in a moment, I kind of hurt myself when I fell.”
“How’d ya do that? Hammerspace is soft.”
The confusion I felt at that statement made me forget the pain I was in as I quickly sat up and climbed back onto The Great and Powerful Trixie's Alicorn sized glorious golden four-poster wheel-less bed-carriage. “Well, the floor- ground- part you walk on is hard.”
Applejack smiled with realization, “Oh, Ah git it, ya don’t understand. I bet ya see Hammerspace as a big ol’ white void, don’t cha?”
“Of course I do, that’s what it is, right?”
“Ya could say that it‘s a ‘white void,’ but Ah prefer ta think of it as an easily erasable blank canvas. Remember, this is a creation from the mind of Pinkie Pie. Whutever you imagine Hammerspace ta be, that’s whut it’ll be.” Applejack stood up and walked to the edge of The Great and Powerful Trixie's Alicorn sized glorious golden four-poster wheel-less bed-carriage, looked behind herself at me, and winked. “Watch, I’ll show ya.”
With that, Applejack crouched down and, using all her might, jumped off The Great and Powerful Trixie's Alicorn sized glorious golden four-poster wheel-less bed-carriage and about two meters into the air. She curled up into a ball and let gravity pull her down to what I assumed was the floor of Hammerspace.
“Woo-Hoo! Cannonbaaallll!”
When she hit what I thought was the floor, she splashed through the bottom of the white void sending a huge column of it into the air where it disappeared and ripples through the white void water that dissipated before they hit anything. Then, instead of swimming to the top, which would have made sense, the void changed texture again, this time it took the form of a giant trampoline canvas that was stretching down with Applejack at the center. It stopped stretching down, however, and a split-second later, as trampolines are wont to do, quickly returned to its non-stretched state rocketing Applejack skyward.
Applejack shifted her body weight so that all four of her legs were pointing upward, her ascension slowed and then finally stopped. She was hanging upside down in midair looking down at me for several seconds before I realized she was standing on the ceiling of Hammerspace. Or, was it the floor?
As though she anticipated my thoughts, Applejack shouted down to me. “Ah’m on the ceiling! Don’t think any different, ‘cause if’n ya do, you’ll fall up!”
She’s on the ceiling, I’m on the floor. She’s on the ceiling, I’m on the floor. She’s on the ceiling, I’m on the floor. She’s on the floor, I’m on the ceiling… BUCK!
The gravity of Hammerspace pulled my body upwards towards the floor that Applejack was standing on. Lucky for me, I was still on The Great and Powerful Trixie's Alicorn sized glorious golden four-poster wheel-less bed-carriage and was able to grab hold of the canopy and pull myself to the center of it. However, it was not strong enough to hold my body weight and quickly ripped sending me careening upwards toward the floor. In what seemed to be almost no time at all, I reached terminal velocity. Needless to say, this entire ordeal caused me to scream like a little filly.
“Stupid flimsy fabric!”
Applejack sighed, rolled her eyes, muttered something that sounded something like “numb grass,” then shouted, “Hold on! Ah’m a’comin’ ta git ya!”
She stood up on her hind legs, jumped off the ceiling, and swam down to me. I was sort beginning to understand how Hammerspace worked. As I watched Applejack swim towards me, my body slowed down as if it was surrounded by water. Now that I was underwater, I was afraid to breath, because I did not want to drown.
Applejack, who was treading water beside to me now, she is a fast swimmer, saw that I was struggling to hold my breath and scoffed, “Ya know, ya don’t have ta hold yer breath, yer not underwater.”
I took a few deep breaths, thankful for regaining the ability to fill my lungs with precious oxygen, and started treading water with Applejack. We were treading water in midair several meters above the storage shelves for about two minutes before I asked, “So, how do we get down?”
“Well, ya seem ta have gotten the hang of treadin’ air, why don’t cha swim down? Remember, ya don’t have ta worry about holdin’ yer breath. Me? Ah’m gonna take the stairs.”
I am a professional and a gentlecolt, however, hearing that there were stairs made my frustration almost impossible to hide, “There are stairs?!”
“Only if ya imagine ‘em, but that’s kinda advanced fer a beginner, you’d be better off sticking with swimmin’, which is somethin’ ya know.”
With that, Applejack began walking on air in a downward corkscrew motion and I swam through the air behind her doing the frog stroke. Successfully slowly swimming downward through the air is a weird sensation. After several seconds, we made it to what I assume to be the floor of Hammerspace. I faced another problem when I got there because I was stuck standing upside down on my front hooves with my hind legs floating limply back and forth above me in the nonexistent water.
“Uh, Applejack, how do I-”
“Imagine yer not in the water.”
I did as she said and gravity asserted itself on my hind legs. As we climbed back onto The Great and Powerful Trixie's Alicorn sized glorious golden four-poster wheel-less bed-carriage, a thought occurred to me and I voiced it aloud to Applejack, “If Hammerspace is like this, what was with all the scraping and shaking when Mistress Pinkamena’s legs were here?”
“‘Cause either you, Pinkie, or both of ya’ll thought they should exist. If ya imagine Hammerspace ta be a certain way hard enough, then it'll be that way fer everypony inside Hammerspace. The strongest imagination wins here, but as long as nopony thinks too hard, then Hammerspace will be whutever to whoever. Or, ta put in simple terms, because magic.”
I began pacing in a circle around the mattress of The Great and Powerful Trixie's Alicorn sized glorious golden four-poster wheel-less bed-carriage, “Even though I’m a Unicorn, I loathe that explanation. ‘Why can Pegasi move clouds?’ ‘Because magic.’ ‘How can a bear be made entirely out of night sky?’ “Because magic.’ ‘If the world is round, how did Nightmare Moon expect to trap the entire world in eternal night?’ ‘Because magic .’ ‘How can Princess Celestia make the two thousand billion billion billion kilogram sun rise and set?’ ‘Because magic!’”
By the end of my little rant, I was seething and had a tiny bit of spittle foaming at the left corner of my mouth. I looked up at Applejack and she was staring down at me with a look that questioned my mental stability. I realized where I was and what I was supposed to be doing. I cleared my throat, wiped the spittle off, made an attempt to straighten my mane only to be reminded that it was not there by not feeling it, composed myself, and said, “Sorry, I seem to have gotten a little sidetracked, please, forgive my tirade.”
“Ya came close ta treason there with yer li’l rant, but Ah suppose since it wasn’t technically treason, Ah could let it slide.” Applejack said with a smile and a wink.
“It is not treason, it is science.”
“That’s whut Ah said, or whut Ah meant.”
“Getting back on track, what is your…” I thought for a minute, I had forgotten what questions I had already asked. I checked my notebook and, “Ah, yes, what is your favorite episode of Friendship is Magic?”
“Mah favorite episode? Hmm, it’s hard ta decide, but, Ah guess, if’n Ah had ta choose just one it would be: ‘Fall Weather Friends.’”
My ears drooped and crestfallen I said, “Oh.”
“Whut’s with that reaction?”
“It was so refreshing to interview somepony who was not…” I had to choose my words carefully. I did not want to say the word “selfish,” because none of them were. I also did not want to say “vainglorious” for the same reason. Therefore, I changed my wording, “I mean it was refreshing to interview somepony who put the talents and accomplishments of her friends above herself.”
“Rainbow is the center focus of the episode, Ah’m just a li’l off ta her right, helpin’ her along ta learn her lesson.”
“There was always something that bothered me about that episode. Twilight was there to be the judge, so why did she not disqualify Rainbow Dash when she continuously used her wings to gain an unfair advantage?”
“The truth is that there are a lot of plot holes in that episode.”
I am a professional and a gentlecolt, however, my dirty mind combined with that perfectly innocent single entendre made me fall backward onto the silk sheets in a fit of laughter.
“…Ah’m not sure whut’s so funny. Sure, if the writers tried harder, they might have been able ta fill those holes-”
My laughter grew more raucous and uncontrollable, and in between laughs, I howled, “Ha! The writers, ha, ha, ha, could have, ha, ha, filled the plot holes!”
Applejack looked at me in bewilderment, “Of course, if the plot was more defined it would’ve been more enjoyable-”
It was getting hard to breathe and my sides were aching, “Stop!” I shouted between gasping breaths, and a weird wheezing sound I make when I laugh too hard, “I can’t (gasp!), it hurts (gasp!) My sides! (gasp!)”
It was at this moment that Applejack thought that I was hysterical and figured a good way to bring me back to my senses was to shake me by my lapel and bitch slap me across both sides of my muzzle. She was not wrong, that sobered me up real quick.
As she shook and slapped me she shouted, “Git a hold of yerself! Whut in Tartarus is yer problem?”
Now back to my senses, I rubbed the pain out of my stinging cheeks. “I apologize, however do you really not realize what you just said?”
With a look of concern on Applejack’s face she said, “Sugar cube, all Ah did was tell you whut was wrong with ‘Fall Weather Friends,’ and for no reason you just fell over in a laughin’ fit.”
Once again, I involuntarily face hoofed. “No reason?! You just… you were… Aargh!” I took a deep, ragged breath, hung my head, and continued in defeat. “Is there anything else you would like to say before we wrap up this interview?”
As obliviously as possible, Applejack answered, “If’n ya git tired of the big city, come ta Sweet Apple Acres, Granny Smith says we could always use big, strong stallions ta help with the buckin’.”
“You’re just messing with me now aren’t you?” I deadpanned. “You know that I am shorter than you, and you have more than proven that you are much stronger than I am.”
As earnestly as possible, Applejack tried her best to comfort me, “Sure, yer a li’l short, but, if somepony took the time ta train ya, help ya workout the muscles in yer hind legs, Ah’d bet ya’d be great at buckin’. Come harvest time, we could use all the help we can git.”
Un. Be. Lievable.
That was it, I had had enough. She was too innocent (or I was too much of a degenerate), if I stayed here any longer, I may have to spell out a few things for her. However, to do that would be to steal that innocence, and as tempting as that would be, I was too much of a gentlecolt to do so. The only thing left to do was to say our goodbyes and part ways.
“Thank you for your time, Applejack,” I said as I stood up, smiled, and offered my left foreleg for a hoofshake, “it has been… interesting interviewing you.”
“Aw, shucks, Ah had a good time too.” Applejack said as she reciprocated the smile and the hoofshake.
I jumped off The Great and Powerful Trixie's Alicorn sized glorious golden four-poster wheel-less bed-carriage, pointed to the door, turned my head back to face Applejack and said, “So, I just go out the door and I will be back in the studio?”
“Eeyup, That‘s whut I said.”
“And you didn’t come in from anyplace strange or embarrassing?”
Applejack tapped her chin and thought for a moment, “Hmm, Ah don’t think so.”
Thank Celestia for that.
“Goodbye!” I shouted behind myself as I figure skated to the door, pulling off a perfect double Salchow, however, I face-planted while trying to pull off a triple lutz, causing Applejack to applaud then laugh. Luckily, the floor was a memory foam mattress so I was fine. I got up and continued rowing my canoe toward the door.
I finally made it to the door, I walked through it and it closed behind me. Once again, I was in total darkness.
“BUCK!”
Author's Note
I loathe writing in accents, however, sometimes it has to be done.
On the off chance that someone is actually reading this story, I am sorry this chapter took so long.
"The Great and Powerful Trixie's Alicorn sized glorious golden four-poster wheel-less bed-carriage" is worst running gag.
No story I have ever read here has ever brought up why Applejack keeps pigs and that is one thing I have always wondered about. Farmers keep pigs for one reason only.
I hope I did enough to show the chaotic magic of Hammerspace.
Behind The Scenes at Friendship Is Magic
The Super Ultra Extreme Awesomazing Pegasus
After what seemed like an eternity, but was probably closer to twenty minutes, I was finally able to flush the toilet. I stepped out of the stall and washed my hooves. I looked around the room, dusty, dingy, poor lighting, this was the Stallions’ Room all right. Just looking around made me feel dirty, so I washed my hooves once more. There was nopony around, so I magicked my saddlebag off the hook on which I placed it and secured it to my back. I washed my hooves one last time for good measure. Just before the exit, I made use of the hoof sanitizer dispenser.
The door opened out the way, so I just had to push; however, I failed to see what was behind the door hovering right above me.
“Hay, Rarity, what are you doing in the Stallions’ Room, again? Didn’t you learn your lesson the last- Whoa.”
The door closed behind me and I looked up. How I missed that cyan coat, that polychromatic mane and tail, and those big rose eyes, I shall never know.
“You’re definitely not Rarity, but it’s hard to believe that you’re a stallion, you’re so… dainty, no offense. You’re a little young to be working here, aren’t you? Are you the son of one of the crewmembers? And what’s up with that shaved head, is that some kind of rebellious statement?”
“Nnnnoooo, I’m the reporter from Hoof Beat. I’m here to interview the cast?”
“Oh, right, you must be Photo Bomb.”
“No, I’m Camerashy.”
“Then, who’s Photo Bomb?”
“I don’t know. Moreover, I am not that young, I’m just small for my age. I get my svelte, lithe, aerodynamic body from my mother, she’s a Pegasus.”
“Cool, a Unicorn with a Pegasus mom, so your dad must be a Unicorn.”
“No, actually he is a big, strong, strapping, Earth Pony. You could imagine the questions he had for my mother the day I was born. I was definitely his son, though. If the mane, tail and eyes weren’t proof enough, the DNA test clinched it.”
“So, why aren’t you a Pegasus or an Earth Pony?”
“It’s mostly dumb luck. See, both my parents have the recessive Unicorn gene. My mother’s great-great-grandmother and my father’s great-great-great-grandmother were both Unicorns.”
Rainbow Dash nodded as she contemplated what I had just told her.
“You know, my mother wanted me to tell you that she watches your show with my two younger sisters, and that your character is their favorite. It’s because you remind her of herself when she was younger. Her coat is the same color as yours, her eyes are the same color as yours, and her mane and tail are the same color as your-”
Rainbow Dash’s face lit up, “Your mom looks just like me, with the same mane, tail, and everything?”
“No, her mane and tail are a little longer, and they are the same color as your eyes.
“Oh, well, that’s still cool.”
“Although, every Nightmare Night since Friendship is Magic started she has dressed up as you. A couple of times, I’ve even seen the rainbow wig and tail come out on nights that my mother asks me to baby sit my sisters for the weekend. I think that may mean that my father is also a fan of yours.”
“Uh…huh?”
“My mother wanted me to tell you that she and my little sisters are literally card carrying members of your fan club. Also,” I rooted around in my saddlebag until I found and pulled out three glossy photographs of Rainbow Dash and a marker. “They were wondering if you could autograph these for them.”
“Sure, hoof ‘em up here.”
I stood up on my hindquarters to give her the photos and marker, however, Rainbow Dash was hovering just out of hoof’s reach.
“Uh, could you please land? I can’t seem to reach.”
Rainbow Dash looked down at me quizzically, “Why don’t you just use your magic to give them to me?”
“Unfortunately, being the only Unicorn in a family full of Pegasi and Earth Ponies, I never learned how to perform magic well. I’m not very good at it.”
Rainbow Dash stopped flapping and let gravity pull her to the ground. Then she averted her gaze upward as she rubbed the back of her neck. “Awk-ward. Sorry, I didn’t mean to dredge up family secrets, but, you’re the only Unicorn in your entire family?”
“Yes, my sisters are a Pegasus and an Earth Pony. Also, I am the first Unicorn in six generations on my mother’s side, and, on my father’s side, I am the first Unicorn in seven generations.”
“Here, give me those, I’ll sign ‘em for ‘ya. What are your mom’s and sisters’ names?”
“My mother’s name is Lightning Chaser, and my Pegasus sister’s name is Cloud Hopper.”
“Okay… and what’s your Earth Pony sister’s name?”
“I’m going to preface this by saying that my little sisters are fraternal twins and that my parents, like most ponies parents, have a really weird sense of humor. Now, my Earth Pony sister is green, like really green, like grass green. Her coat, mane, tail, and eyes are all green,” I let out a deep, elongated sigh, “and that is why they named her Grasshopper.”
Rainbow Dash tried but failed to stifle a laugh, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to laugh at your sister’s name.”
“No, it’s alright, she isn’t here, and you didn’t laugh to be malicious. Besides, she would be honored that her name made her hero happy. Tartarus, my mother and sisters all like you so much that they have been calling you ‘Dashie’ for a while now. Being around them as much as I am, I may have even picked up their idiolect.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“I mean, please forgive me, and don’t take offense, or read too much into it, if I slip and accidentally call you ‘Dashie.’ I’m just used to hearing you referred to that way.”
“Oh, that’s cool, for some reason, a lot of my fans call me ‘Dashie.’”
“Do you truly not know why your fans call you- Wait a minute, when we first met, you mistook me for Rarity and wanted to know why she was coming out of the Stallions’ Room again . How often is she in there?”
“Oh, that’s right! Photo Bomb is a Camerapegasus!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, not paying attention, ignoring my question, changing the subject, some combination of two of the options, or all three.
“No, seriously, is that a regular thing?”
Rainbow Dash shook her in the negative then she spoke in a low, quiet voice, “Look, I only brought that up ‘cause I thought you were Rarity. I was only over here ‘cause Twilight asked me to see if Rarity was in the Stallions’ Room again. It would be in our best interest if we stop talking about this. And it behooves you to not let Rarity hear you talk about it; she’s every bit of a virago.”
“I shall keep that in mind, you’re not the first to warn me about Rarity’s temperament. However, I am certain that Twilight knew that it was not Rarity, but me in the restroom. Apparently, this is her way of saying, ‘it’s Rainbow Dash’s turn to be interviewed.’”
“It would be a bad idea to disappoint our puppeteer. So, let me take you someplace for our interview.” Rainbow Dash leaned close, winked, and whispered, “Someplace, that her strings cannot reach.”
Wait, did she just say “cannot,” and “virago?”
Rainbow Dash, flew just above me, wrapped her forelegs around my waist just under my forelegs, and lifted me up, “Hold on tight… Well, try not wiggle too much. Let’s see just how ‘svelte, lithe, and aerodynamic’ that body of yours is.”
Rainbow Dash took off like a jet with me in tow. She flew me up into the rafters and towards a window… A double window… A closed double window.
We approached the window at breakneck speed, and I squeezed my eyes shut, panicked, and shouted, “Dashie! It’s not open!”
As nonchalant as can be she said, “I know.”
I then noticed that we had stopped. I opened my eyes to see that we were hovering within hoof’s reach of the window.
“Could you open that up for me? I would but my hooves are full.”
“Uh, sure.” I said as I blushed. Of course, she would not purposely do anything to harm me. I unlatched the windows and pushed them open.
We exited through the windows at subsonic speed, and soon, we careened across the sky. I had not experienced this sensation in seven years. We flew up, up, up, up to the Heaviside layer, well, maybe not that far. However, we were high enough to see the entirety of Friendship is Magic Studios and the surrounding blocks. The Soundstage, Fluttershy’s back lot garden, the Princesses’ trailers, and the studio itself, all looked so tiny.
“It is quite an exquisite view, correct? I am sure you would not have seen anything so majestic with Sapphire Shores.”
“You have a point, Dashie, Sapphire Shores can’t fly. Um, I have a… odd request.”
“Are you frightened? Would you like me to put you down?”
“No… and yes. I would like you to take me up a little higher, about a hundred and fifty-three meters…”
“That’s not so odd; well the three is odd-”
“…And then drop me.”
Rainbow Dash was taken aback by my request, “Are you insane?! Do you have a death wish?”
“Of course not! I’m counting on you catching me before the sudden stop at the end. You can do it, can’t you?”
“Of course, but-”
“Just quickly fly up the first hundred and fifty meters and use the momentum to throw me the last three. Then, while I am reaching my climax- apex, I meant apex! While I am reaching my apex , you fly down faster than terminal velocity and catch me before I hit the ground. I am lighter and smaller than you so my terminal velocity should be less then your downward flight speed.”
“There are four reasons why I will agree to do this. First, I understand the laws of aerodynamics better than most ponies. Secondly, I will only let you drop that hundred and fifty-three meters. I want no arguing that point or we will not do this at all. Tell me you understand this!”
“I understand, Dashie. What are the last two reasons?”
Rainbow Dash smiled with delight, “It is nice to meet a Unicorn who is an adrenalin junkie, and that Freudian slip was hilarious.”
Rainbow Dash shot straight up like a bullet, faster and faster. Twenty-five meters… fifty meters… eighty meters… one hundred and fifty meters. Rainbow Dash came to an abrupt stop and threw me above herself as hard as she could.
I sailed further skyward on the built up momentum. One meter… three meters… five meters, my upward momentum was not slowing. Eight meters… eleven meters… fourteen meters, my momentum was finally beginning to slow. Sixteen meters… eighteen meters… After twenty meters, I finally reached my apex. I hovered there for hours… or maybe two seconds, gazing out at the majesty that was the entire island of Manehattan. The sight was breathtaking; however, it may have also been the altitude.
Finally, gravity decided to exert its will on me. I contorted my body into a snout dive as I began to plummet. I did not count on my horn reducing the wind resistance as much as it did; this was a pleasant surprise.
“WOO-HOO-HOO-HOOOOO!”
I began to pick up more speed than I thought I would, which meant, unfortunately, my ride would end sooner than I hoped. I quickly descended upon a waiting Rainbow Dash. I fell right past her, or at least I thought I did. Before I passed her entirely, she grabbed my left hind leg with her front right and tossed me upwards. I performed a triple cartwheel into her waiting hooves.
As she cradled me in her hooves, my body was to limp to do anything more than hyperventilate and laugh giddily.
“Oh, my Goddess, Camerashy, your nose is bleeding, are you alright? I knew I should not have listened to you, I bet do not know the first thing about aerodynamics.”
I regained the use of my voice as Rainbow Dash began to descend slowly. “Wait, Dashie! I’m fine, (huff, huff, huff) I’m, I’m fine. Whew (huff)! That (huff). Was (huff). AWESOME! All the times my mom took me flyin’ with her, she would never do that for me. No matter how much I begged! She was too much of a mom. Thank you, so much! It was worth gettin’ the bends. I’d hug you, hee, hee, hee, but I can’t seem to move my limbs now. Ha, ha, ha!”
As she continued her slow descent, Rainbow Dash chuckled to herself, “Typical non-Pegasus; you freefall for a couple of minutes and you loose all control of your motor cortices. In addition, you do not have the bends, you have altitude sickness, you foal. Wait a second, what did I just say?”
Still a little dizzy, lightheaded, and giddy, I answered, “Ha, ha, ha, I think you said som’thin’ about motorcycles.”
After a few score meters more, Rainbow Dash finished her descent. She landed and placed me down on the roof of Friendship is Magic Studios. I struggled to my hooves like a newborn foal. One by one by one by one, I stretched my legs, my joint cracked and popped as I worked the cricks, kinks and numbness out. Then I wiped the trail of blood from my snout, leaving a crimson stain on my pristine white left foreleg.
“The last time mom took me flyin’ was a month before my sisters were conceived. I love flyin’. You Pegasi are so lucky to be able to fly without magic.”
“You Unicorns are lucky to be able to use magic, period. Oops, my apologies, that is probably a sore subject.”
“No, it’s cool; I guess you could say I’m a unique -orn.” I said as I giggled at my own pun.
What in Tartarus was that?
“Wait a sec, Dashie, som’thin’s weird, but I don’t know it is.”
“Yes, I sense it as well, yet, I cannot quite put my hoof on it.”
“I know! You’re talkin’ like me.”
“In addition, I believe you may be using my idiolect.”
“I don’t think so, I sound… dumber than you usually do- no offense.”
“You are right; you sound like a parody of me. I assume I sound like a parody of you as well?”
“You do!” That was when I noticed something strange about Rainbow Dash’s eyes. “Hay, Dashie, your eye whites are glowin’ violet!”
“Your sclera are doing the same.” Rainbow Dash growled as she dropped her head, then she threw her head upwards and angrily shouted, “TWI-LIGHT! I know that this is one of your pranks! I demand that you rectify this tomfoolery posthaste! Listen to me, I sound like a bombastic blatherskite!” Then she turned to me quietly said, “No offense.”
Still not quite sure what to think I said, “It’s cool; I don’t know what those words mean anymore.”
She started shouting to the sky again, “That is another thing; I am not as obtuse as you made Camerashy!” Rainbow Dash turned back to me and quietly said, “Once again, no offense.”
“No, no, you’re right; she made me dumber than you.”
Rainbow Dash once again threw her head back and shouted to the heavens, “I am warning you Twilight! Remove this ensorcellment from us immediately or we shall take our grievances to Princess Celestia! I mean it, you perfidious puppeteer!”
Rainbow Dash must have been more than a little annoyed because this time when she turned to me she was using her “yelling at Twilight” voice, “Luna dammit Camerashy! How in Tartarus can you converse thusly time and again and not feel mortified?”
“I pick my words good?” I turned my head upwards and tried my luck with the negotiations, “Twilight? My head feels weird, and I’m forgettin’ lots. I don’t want to forget my mom’s face. Could you please put us back right before that? Please ?”
A few moments later, the glowing in our eyes stopped and the fog in my head cleared. I breathed a sigh of relief, turned my head upward, and shouted, “Thank you, Twilight!”
“What are you thankin’ her for? This was all her fault.”
“You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar. She went a lot easier on us that I thought she would; and she almost immediately released us from the spell when I asked her.”
Rainbow Dash turned around, sat down, crossed her forelegs, and pouted, “Humph, put it that way, you can catch even more flies with dung.”
I chuckled at the insightfulness of Rainbow Dash’s statement as I took my first real look around the roof on which we stood. It seemed to be an outdoor lounge area. The rooftop was covered in fresh sod. There were a dozen beach chairs each with their own parasol lining the entire far back wall. Each beach chair had a different color scheme and each parasol had a different cutie mark corresponding with the three princesses, Shining Armor, Big Macintosh, Granny Smith, and the mane six.
Along the right wall, there was an aboveground pool, and a hot tub, both of which were more than big enough to hold nine ponies and three alicorns. Lining the left wall was a large picnic table with an equally large parasol, an outdoor vegetable grill, and an outdoor bar. Dead center of the roof was a doorway that must have lead back down into the studio.
Rainbow Dash stood up when she saw me examining the rooftop, “Pretty awesome setup, huh?”
“It’s okay, I suppose. The cast has this nice rooftop oasis, so, where does the crew relax?”
“Right now, they have the basement rumpus room. It has its own hot tub, massage tables, pool table and fully stocked kitchen and bar. But, Princess Luna commissioned some new additions for an oversized sub-basement.”
“That sounds interesting, what’s supposed to go down there?”
“She hasn’t decided yet. She has been taking suggestions from the crew, though. So far, they have suggested an Olympic sized swimming pool, a sauna, an under-underground nightclub, a multiplex, a five star gourmet restaurant, a bowling alley, and about a dozen others. She said that she would narrow it down to the six best, then let the crew vote. Then she’d have the builders put down there the two that got the most votes. But, it probably won’t be finished ‘til after season four wraps.”
“A nightclub sounds like fun.”
“Your vote doesn’t count. My vote doesn’t count. All that counts, is what the crew wants. Princess Luna made that very clear the day she made the announcement.”
“Well, I hope they can reach a consensus. By the way, this grass smells delicious . Why have I never smelled grass like this?”
“It’s something that Twilight and Applejack have been workin’ on together, combining’ Apple family growin’ know-how with Twilight’s magic. They call it ‘Zap-Applegrass.’ It’s supposed to smell, taste, and function like fresh picked Zap Apples. It was designed to extend the Zap Apple crop and add to the harvest, making Zap Apple season a year round thing.”
“Really? That sounds like a wonderful idea.” I said as I started nibbling at the grass beneath me.
“But it only smells like Zap Apples, it tastes like-”
I spat out the “grass,” my mouth was on fire and my tongue had gone numb, “ Thlethtias thweet tathty anuth, that’th dithguthting ! What in Tartaruth, ith thith thit?”
“Ha, ha! I take it you’ve never tried tobacco.”
My eyes shot daggers at Rainbow Dash, “Of courthe not! It’th not fwunny, I’m Thtraight Edge. I’ve alwayth thtayed away fwom tobacco and awcohow.”
“You still haven’t tried tobacco, it only tastes like tobacco. It has none of the addictiveness or bad side effects of tobacco and it is very low in calories.”
I finally was regaining the feeling in my tongue, “Weawy? That’th amathing, with thomething, like that, you could make millions of bits from ponies who are trying to quit smoking!”
“Yeah, except for the horrible side effect that Twilight and Applejack found it had.”
“You said it didn’t have any.”
“No, I said it didn’t have any of the side effects of tobacco . It has its own horrible side effect.”
This morbidly piqued my curiosity, “What is this ‘horrible’ side effect?”
“If you accidentally swallow it, the grass gives you SSEPAL.”
“Isn’t that part of a flower?”
“Sorta, but this SSEPAL is an acronym, what did Twilight say it meant? Oh, yeah, sudden… sporadic… explosive… projectile… anal leakage.”
“Dear Celestia, how did she find that out? I mean she must have tested it somehow. Did Twilight test it herself?”
“No, Applejack tasted it and swallowed it herself, it was…”
“Gross? Embarrassing?”
“That, and hilarious.”
“You were there?”
“Sorta, I was nappin’ on a cloud nearby.”
“Why is it even here? Why didn’t they get rid of it?”
“I told you, Twilight and Applejack made it, it’s magic grass. It doesn’t burn, it doesn’t dry out, it can’t be destroyed or gotten rid of by magic, it doesn’t grow unless you cut it or eat it, and then it just grows back. Look, the part you spit out is already reconnecting with the rest. The only way to destroy it completely is to swallow it, and that only destroys the part you swallow. I already told you what happens to you if you did, though.”
“Then, with it up here, nopony will be stupid enough,” I hung my head when I realized what I said, “except for me, to eat it. I can’t think of a better place for it.”
“Neither could anypony else.”
“Shall we begin our interview, then?”
Rainbow Dash sat on clean part of the grass with her wings spread open, cocked her head to the left, smiled, and asked, “Sure, what do you wanna know?”
“The first thing that I want to know about is the Sonic Rainboom; the phenomenon in which a Pegasus flies so fast that a sonic boom and a rainbow happen all at once. However, that logic doesn’t make sense. The speed of sound is seven hundred and sixty miles per hour; and the speed of light is six hundred seventy million, six hundred sixteen thousand, six hundred twenty-nine miles per hour.
“In the show, when you do the Sonic Rainboom, the sound comes first, and then comes the light of the rainbow. My question is: are your Sonic Rainbooms computer generated?”
Rainbow Dash laughed so hard that tears came out her eyes, “The best way to answer that is to show you.”
Rainbow Dash flew fifty meters into the sky then shouted, “Twilight, protect the windows! Code sigma rho beta!” Then she shouted down to me, “Watch closely, now!”
Rainbow Dash darted across the sky at near sonic speed, flying faster and faster, and then the impossible happened. A sonic boom echoed throughout the sky followed immediately by a prismatic ring that expanded ever outward. Attached to Rainbow Dash was a rainbow trail that left its essence streaked across the sky behind her as she flew. I was slack jawed and dumbfounded as Rainbow Dash did a corkscrew spin as she came in for a landing leaving a corkscrew rainbow trail in her wake.
With my mind thoroughly boggled, I tried to form a comprehensible sentence, “Wuh… buh… guh… tha… That’s impossible! Magnificent, but impossible! How could the sound have come first?”
“Ha, ha, yeah, Twilight was confused the first time she saw one, too. So, afterward, she stayed in the library the whole weekend reading up on Sonic Rainbooms. She finally figured it out, but, if she would’ve just asked me, I could’ve just told her.”
“Well, I just asked you, tell me ! Um, please.”
I must not forget to be a gentlecolt.
“Pfft, it’s simple, the Sonic Rainboom isn’t light, it’s sound, visible sound. The sonic boom created by a Pegasus envelops her completely and makes an audio recording or imprint of her mane, tail, and coat and shoots that copy out as a sound you can see immediately behind the sonic boom itself. That’s why the boom comes first followed by the rainbow ring. If a Pegasus of a different color performed one, the rainbow ring that expanded from them would have their color scheme.”
“It still doesn’t make sense, but I have to believe my own eyes, that was a real Rainboom.”
“Well, I can’t do them all the time, ‘cause when performed too close to the ground, a Sonic Rainboom tends to break a lot of windows.”
The rainbow trail that was following Rainbow Dash was finally beginning to fade. However, the whole streak did not fade all at once. Instead, it began fading from where it started. Little by little, the rainbow streak disappeared across the sky as it followed Rainbow Dash’s path back to the rooftop. As the fading streak reached the corkscrew loop, it looped-the-loop like a rollercoaster following its track.
“Even your dust tail is awesome.”
“Is that a pickup line?”
I waved my hoof contritely, “Sorry, I thought I whispered that.”
“You did, but we’re standin’ face to face.”
I had better change the subject, quickly.
The “battle wounds” from my interview with Mistress Pinkamena still predominant in my mind, I was careful how I worded my question, “What is your favorite episode of Friendship is Magic?”
“That’d be episode sixteen from season two; do ya know which one that is?”
My eyes shifted back and forth as I searched through the episode list in my mind until I came to the episode in question, “That would be ‘The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000.”
“HA! WRONG! The right answer is-”
“‘Read it and Weep,’ I know, I watch the show religiously- I, I mean, I… did my homework. I was just horsing around. It’s the episode where you crashed off-screen and ended up in the hospital with nothing to do but read.”
“Well, I didn’t really crash, actually I’m not allowed to.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I do all my own stunts, but I’m not allowed to do the scripted crash landings, the insurance premiums would be too high.”
“So they use a stuntpony?”
“No, it’s cheaper to use a crash-test dummy painted to look like me. It’s the big lie of the show. I come in for a ‘crash’ landing, M.C. yells cut, then I stop short and move out of frame. Then they throw the crash-test dummy in from off-camera. It saves the show money on crash mats and stuntponies. Well, a stuntpony, Fluttershy, Twilight, and the rest all have ‘em. Except for Pinkie Pie, she does her own stunts too.”
“You would think that a show that had both Princess Celestia and Princess Luna in it would never want for bits.”
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes in disbelief at what I just said, “It’s not like they can use taxpayer bits to help pay for the show. They waive the paychecks they would get for bein’ on the show to pay for the show. And they insist on only gettin’ paid as much as background pony with a speakin’ role for each appearance. And that barely keeps things goin’. So Twilight, little miss goody four-shoes, gives up half her pay. Which shamed the rest of us into givin’ up one paycheck a month.”
There was more than a little animosity in Rainbow Dash’s voice with those last two sentences. However, I was not focused on that. I was starry-eyed at the revelation of the sacrifices of the two princesses.
“It’s so wonderful that the princesses would go to such lengths and make such a sacrifice. They must really believe in the show and everypony involved.” I said as I cried liquid pride.
“Jeez, what, are you in love with ‘em or somethin’?” Rainbow Dash teased.
“No, of course not, I just admire them. I am nowhere near worthy enough to be in love. They are so far above me and out of my league that I don’t even see them that way. It would be blasphemous for me to do so. It would literally be like trying to touch the sun and the moon.”
“So you’re not just in love with ’em, you wanna grope ‘em.”
“Th, th, that’s not… accurate. I just… have… the profound respect of a loyal subject who would lay down his life in service to his Goddess Princesses.”
“Ohhh, you’re one of the ‘devout ones.’”
That’s not exactly accurate, either.
“We seem to be getting a little off topic; why is ‘Read it and Weep,’ your favorite episode?”
“For one thing, I was introduced to the Daring Do novel series, which I love. For another thing, I got a chance to show a different side to my character. Instead of being a one-dimensional jock, I got a chance to show the world that I’m smart too.”
“I never doubted that, the fact that you can make all of those difficult calculations, mid-flight, proves you are not just some dumb jock.”
“What difficult calculations?”
“See? It’s comes so easy and natural for you, that it’s just like breathing. You can calculate flight vectors and trajectories without even thinking about it.”
“C’mon, it’s not that big a deal.” Rainbow Dash said, as she rolled her eyes and nudged my shoulder.
“Oh, but it is, you are the first Pegasus in quite possibly a thousand years to perform a Sonic Rainboom. Which means, with the possible exceptions of Princess Luna and Princess Celestia, you are probably the fastest pony in all Equestria.”
“Oh, stop it.”
“Which means that you have to make those calculations at supersonic speeds. Even if every Pegasus in the world can make those calculations, you can do it faster than anypony.
“C’mon, seriously.”
“Therefore, when it comes to math you must be even smarter than Twilight!” I was on a fancolt roll, so I did not notice the blushing embarrassment that was steadily growing on Rainbow Dash’s face.
“STOP! Enough of the compliments! Jeez, I never thought havin’ so much praise heaped on me would make me feel so… awkward. That’s a long way to go to say that I’m awesome.”
“You’re so humble, too.”
“Compliment me again, and I’ll chuck ya off the roof.” Rainbow Dash deadpanned.
I could not tell whether she was serious or not, so I decided not to press my luck. “O…kay, moving on; who, uh, what is your favorite song from Friendship is Magic?”
“My favorite song, huh? I guess it would be ‘May the Best Pet Win.’ It introduced the world to my pet turtle, uh, tortoise, Tank, and it was the first song in season two, and it was a duet between Fluttershy and me. Since we don’t have voice over artists dubbing our songs, we got to sing the song ourselves.”
I was going to compliment her on her singing voice, but it was a long way to the ground, so I decided to go in the other direction. “Yes, ‘May the Best Pet Win’ was a great song; it’s one of my favorites as well. Fluttershy’s character was so cute, and pretty awesome in it. Your character, however, was a little bit of a jerk. At least, until after she got trapped under that boulder in Ghastly Gorge. By the way, where did that bandage come from? Furthermore, how did everypony else get to the end of Ghastly Gorge so fast when they went around it and you went through it?”
“Tank has a first aid compartment in his shell.” Rainbow Dashed quipped. “And, you’re right; the writers did write me as sort of a shallow jerk, but that was the point of the episode’s lesson. There were a lot of obstacles in Ghastly Gorge that we had to fly through. Everypony else got to the end only a couple minutes before the falcon because there way was straightforward, and I got trapped under a rock.”
“Is that so?”
“Either that or the whole thing was filmed in front of a green screen in the soundstage across the street because Ponies for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, aka Fluttershy, didn‘t want anything bad to happen to her critters.”
“That one doesn’t sound as fun, but it sounds more likely.”
“Yeah, Fluttershy is super protective of, not just hers, but every animal. She goes almost too far to make sure no harm comes to any of ‘em. She learned something about a year ago that nearly drove her over the edge. We had to get Princess Luna to stop her, and explain to and remind her that a lot of animals, like birds, cats, and snakes sometimes feed on other animals. And, that, to some creatures, like dragons, ponies could be food.”
Intrigued, I asked, “What, exactly, did she find out?”
“I’m not the best pony to ask. I only brought it up ‘cause I wanted you to know the lengths she’d go to, to protect her animal friends. She made sure, scene by scene, that none of ‘em were hurt or mistreated, filming took forever . She wanted ‘em all to be CG, but M.C. begged her to change her mind. He tried his best to convince her that, since the entire race scene was confined within a six and a half meter empty space, they would all be fine. She finally gave in ‘cause she can’t stand to see a grown stallion cry.”
“She’s got a soft spot for the pathetic, huh?”
“That, and Princess Celestia told her she would make sure herself nothing bad would happen to any of the animals.”
“Princess Celestia sure is wonderful.” I said, dreamily.
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes, “Yeah, you don’t have a crush on ‘em.”
I blushed, giggled uncomfortably, cleared my throat, and continued with the interview, “Do you have a favorite Friendship is Magic villain?”
“I’d call her more of a magic antagonist than a magic villain, but, The Great and Powerful Trixie, would definitely be my favorite.”
“Why ‘definitely?’”
“She was sooo cool! She had the best jokes, told the best stories, pulled the best pranks, had the coolest hat and cape, and did the sweetest magic tricks.”
“Even better than Twilight’s?”
Aw, yeah! Twilight’s magic is too ‘sciencey’ and technical. Trixie’s magic though, is like watching a performance in a resort hotel in Las Pegasus.” A look of abject fear washed across Rainbow Dash’s face, then she shouted to the heavens, “But I mean that in the nicest possible way!”
“That’s why? I thought that you would’ve liked Trixie for the same reason as Twilight.”
“Well, no, I’m not a Unicorn, and I can’t do magic.”
“Thaaaaaat’s not quite what I meant. Twilight said that Trixie was ‘quite congenial.’ I was wondering if Trixie was as ‘congenial’ to you as she was to Twilight.”
Rainbow Dash, cocked her eyebrow with suspicion, “That depends on what you mean by ‘congenial.’ ‘Cause I’m not sure you know what you’re askin’.”
I rubbed the back of my neck uncomfortably, “I mean, did you… are you… do you…”
“Trixie is Twilight’s … friend. Trixie and me , are just buddies. I’m not… what you might think I am. Though, I do like to have…fun from time to time. I do have certain… preferences, but they’re not set in stone. Though most of the time it’s nice when they are .”
“So… you’re… bipartisan? You are a… liberal, but would vote both Republistallion and Demarecrat?”
“I’d… rather vote Republistallion, but if the right Demarecrat came along, I’d… cast my vote for ‘em.”
“Thank you, Rainbow Dash, I’m sure my readers would be very interested know your… political views.”
Rainbow Dash waggled her eyebrows and smiled lasciviously at me, “So, would you like to… throw your hat into the ring?”
Oh, what an uncomfortable question.
I am a professional and a gentlecolt; so I was able to stay stone-faced as I choked back down the little bit if vomit that I threw up in my mouth when I imagined Rainbow Dash and I together, and, during a particularly steamy scene, she turned into my mother.
“Even though I would be an excellent…candidate, and the position is a very… desirable one that anypony would be extremely lucky to… hold, I’m afraid that I will have to decline the… nomination.”
“I get it, you’d rather vote for one of the princesses. Which one would ya rather vote for, Celestia, or Luna?”
“I wouldn’t… vote for either. It wouldn’t be… proper.”
“Oh, you’d prefer ‘em to run on the same ticket so that you could vote for ‘em both, eh?”
“Th…gu…bu…Of-of course not! I-I am not worthy enough to… vote for either of them!”
“What if they both came to you themselves and told you they needed your ‘vote,’ would you give it to them then?”
“Of course I would! Nopony in their right mind would turn down an opportunity like that! However, that would never happen in a thousand years, so the point is moot!”
“Ya think so? Look behind ya.”
My heart and eyes filled with hope as I spun around to come face to face with nothing but the rooftop oasis. I would have been supremely disappointed if I had the audacity to think that I was worthy enough to be courted by the Princesses. Instead, I just joined in with Rainbow Dash as she laughed.
“That was a good one, you raised my hopes and dashed them quite expertly, bravo.” I turned back around and she was still laughing, “Hay, maybe that’s why they call you Rainbow ‘Dash.’”
Rainbow Dash stopped laughing and cocked her eyebrow at me.
“…Yeah, you’re right, that was a pretty dumb pun, it physically hurt me the moment I said it. I suppose this is as good a place as any to end the interview. Thank you for taking the time to talk with me.”
I held up my bloodstained foreleg to offer Rainbow Dash a hoof bump and she reciprocated.
“No problem, Camerashy, you’re pretty fun, for a stick in the mud.” Rainbow Dash flew off like a rocket, “See ya around, Camerashy!” She shouted back as she flew away to the east.
I watched her as she flew away, suddenly she seemed to slow down then she stopped, as if she was frozen in midair. Then she was shot backwards as if she bounced off a giant invisible vertical trampoline. Rainbow Dash screamed like a little filly as she tumbled backwards uncontrollably. Luckily, she landed in a cloud that was conveniently placed about thirty meters behind her.
I could not help but laugh as Rainbow Dash climbed out of the cloud and sarcastically shouted, “Ha, ha, Twilight, very funny!”
I trotted to the door, however, before I reached it, two more doors appeared, one on either side, accompanied by a familiar violet glow. I hung my head in consternation as the first door started glowing and all three doors started magically shuffling themselves. As they shuffled, the doors began to move up and down like pistons. Up and down, around and around to fast to keep up with using the naked eye. Finally, they came to a stop, I could not tell which one was the real door.
Luna Dammit! I’ve been caught! I shouldn’t have done something so grand.
I spoke in a normal, calm, level, indoor voice. “Twilight, I’m not quite sure exactly where you are, however I can sense you are somewhere fairly close. I apologize, it was wrong of me. Now, could you please remove the fake doors?”
The same message magically etched itself onto all three doors simultaneously.
Dear Camerashy, All the doors are real, and they all lead to the same placepony place and pony. How you get there, though, is just a matter of chance. I will not tell your secret, but I cannot let being blamed for your prank pass. They were good pranks, and to keep your secret, I will take the blame for this one. However, you have been a very bad colt, and in lieu of a dressing down, spanking, and tongue-lashing, ;) only one door has “stairs” behind it. Next time, if you don’t want ponies to find out that you are the one pulling them, keep your pranks simple. Remember, “If you’ve done things right, ponies won’t be sure you’ve done anything at all.” Have fun! XOXO, Twilight.
The magic glow disappeared from all three doors, which left me with a puzzling decision.
Author's Note
It is getting harder to think up new places to meet the ponies. I had always planned on the Zap Applegrass, however, I had no place to put it. Then, when I found one, I did not know how to explain why it was still around. However, I remembered the old adage, "It's magic, I don't have to explain." The episode Sonic Rainboom always confused me because light is faster than sound, but the sonic boom is what drew the ponies attention to the rainbow, so, I tried to give a logical explanation as to why the sound came first. Camerashy outright lies to Rainbow Dash about his magic, the explanation for that will be revealed, eventually. Twilight figured it out, she might be naughty, but she can keep a secret, so she will not tell anypony.