The Vaultby Educated GuessChaptersThievesPreliminary ReportV-27: A Rowanwood HourglassV-58: A Heart of StoneV-66: A Silver and Ruby AmuletV-83: Quicksilver HorseshoesV-90: A Small Metal KeyV-165: A Silver-Rimmed LensV-209: A [REDACTED]V-244: A Rosewood WandV-372: A Standing MirrorThieves“Alright, I think we lost ‘em. We shouldn’t stay here for long, though.” “...” “What’s your name, kid?” “...My name?” “Yeah, your name.” “...Why?” “‘Cuz I wanna know the name of the pony that I just broke out of the most secure prison in Equestria.” “...Its Shift Key.” “Gaston. Pleasure to make your acquaintance.” “...” “Alright, don’t shake my claw. What d’you do, Shift?” “...Do?” “Yeah. Why did Linch hire me to get you out, and not any of his ten-dozen other buddies he has locked up in there? What makes you special?” “I’m... I’m a locksmith.” “A locksmith.” “Yeah.” “...A unicorn locksmith.” “...Yeah.” “Huh... that is unique. How good are you?” “...What?” “Are you good enough that it’s gonna be worth pissing off Linch to keep you?” “Um... well, do you remember a few months back, when the crown jewels of the Duke of Trottingham went missing?” “Yeah, that was all over the newspapers. You did that?” “I did that on a hangover.” Gaston woke, as he often did, to the sound of cursing. It had become a very common noise in the last few years - Shift Key tended to be rather profane when he was embroiled in his work, and when he was working, ‘embroiled’ was one of the only words that could properly describe his state of mind. Groggily, the griffon rolled onto his feet and stretched, rearing his haunches like a cat, and flaring his wings out as wide as he could. Standing up straight, he filled his lungs with the fresh mountain air, and let out a long, slow sigh of contentment. Spring was ramping into full gear. The deep, hard-packed snow of the winter was giving way to jagged rocks and patches of moss, grass and flowers, forging bravely into the season ahead. The smell of cold was tinted with the scents of life, and perfumed with the heady, butterscotch scent of the evergreens. He didn’t know why he loved mountains so much. Perhaps it was his species’ natural proclivity for height and cold. Perhaps it was his professional preference for silence, privacy, and a good view of his surroundings. Whatever the reason, Gaston always felt strangely at peace when he was looking down on hills and valleys, still dark under the shadows of their high and mighty brethren - brethren on which he himself stood, soaking in the first bright rays of dawn. “Damn it all to the Cocytan Wastes!” a voice yelled from below, completely ruining the moment. Gaston padded over to the edge of the cliff, and peered down. From here, he couldn’t see Shift Key, or the door that was giving the unicorn so much grief, but he could picture them in his mind. The door was a towering slab of plain, gray stone, with no handles, or keyholes, or even discernible edges. The only reason they knew it was a door at all was that when Shift had tried to unlock it the first time, it had refused to open. Not just not done anything - refused, as in ‘fired a bolt of magic that had nearly killed them both.’ After that, Shift had been more careful, and the incident hadn’t repeated itself. “How’s it going down there?” Gaston called, as if he even needed to ask. “It would be going faster if you didn’t keep interrupting me,” a disembodied voice answered. “See, I’d believe you if you hadn’t said the exact same thing five days ago.” Shift Key finally backed out from under the overhang and looked up at the griffon, shielding his eyes with one hoof. A motley assortment of wiry tools, magical-looking rods, and various shapes and colors of rocks floated idly around him, glowing yellow in his hold. In the griffon’s opinion, Shift looked more like an earth pony than a unicorn, especially since his black hair was so spiky and disheveled that it almost completely obscured his horn. The dirty earth-brown of his coat and the bags under his eyes didn’t help - although those may have just been the years of rough living and days of missed sleep showing through. “Hey, this door is tougher than I thought, alright?” he said, in the understatement of the century. Gaston widened his eyes in mock surprise. “No! Really?” “Okay, look at it this way - if there’s a door that’s locked up so tight that it takes me - me, Shift Key, the best magical locksmith in all of Equestria - an entire week to crack it? There’s gotta be something inside it, right?” “Or, it could be another dead end, like the last dozen goose-chases you’ve led me on!” “Hey, those were not goose-chases. Just because you’re not strong enough to take on five pegasi -” “Five centurions of the Cloudsdale Elite Guard!” “Whatever. That doesn’t mean that the Lance wasn’t worth going for. Besides,” Shift Key said, holding up a small, wooden box with two gauges on it’s face - one of the few of the unicorn’s tools with which Gaston was familiar, since it had originally been his. “You saw the reading on the thaumometer just as clearly as I did. You were pretty gung-ho about it then!” “Yeah, because I didn’t know that all it was pointing towards was a thrice-damned door that was gonna blow my head off!” “It’s gonna be worth it, alright? Trust me.” Gaston rubbed his temples with his claw. “You are nothing but trouble. One of these days, I’m gonna put you back in the cell where I found you.” “Go ahead,” the unicorn said with sudden seriousness. “I would have escaped eventually, even without your help.” The griffon laughed. “You? You have about as much chance of escaping Alcatrot alone as you have of walking into Tartarus!” “Hey,” Shift said, pointing a hoof warningly. “I could open the Adamantine Door, if I had enough time.” Gaston rolled his eyes. “And if someone killed the watchdog for you, first.” “Exactly!” Shift Key winked devilishly. “That’s what I keep you around for!” Before Gaston could get in the last word, Shift trotted back under the overhang and out of sight. The griffon groaned, and launched himself into the air. They would still need breakfast, no matter how much longer that idiot wanted to bang his head against that door. He returned an hour later, with three fish wriggling in his claws, to find ‘that idiot’ lying next to the dead campfire, with his hindlegs folded over each other and his back against a tree. A stalk of grass hung out of his mouth, which Gaston knew was not something that Shift actually enjoyed doing - it was simply for effect, to spite him. Despite himself, Gaston felt his heart race. “Given up?” he asked flatly, dumping the fish into his saddlebags. He had tried to shatter Shift’s ego before, but had found that it was usually much easier just to play along with his power trips. The unicorn grinned and looked up at him from under the brim of his hair. “Nope. Got it open.” “Oh yeah? How’d you do it?” Shift began to explain. “Well, first, it turned out that the fifth pin was actually the third pin, and the third pin was actually the seventeenth pin. Then I figured out that pins two, eight, and sixteen needed to be activated by an earth-pony energy signature, while pins six, seven, and nine needed a pegasus energy signature, so I rigged up some false sources, and -” “How’d you do it?” Gaston asked again, in exactly the same tone as before. He knew from experience that these descriptions could go on for hours longer than the operation had taken, and his impatience was getting the better of him. Shift scowled. “I did some magic and stuff,” he said, slowly, with venom in every word. “That’s what I like to hear,” said Gaston, completely unfazed. “Let’s go have a look.” They walked down the sloped path on the side of the cliff and stepped into the shadow of the overhang. The door had sunk down into the ground, leaving a large, perfectly rectangular hole nearly four times their height in the rock face. They peered in apprehensively. The tunnel that lay beyond was the same size, with smooth sides and clean-cut corners, sloping gently downward into the darkness. A cool breeze blew gently past them, like the breath of some sleeping behemoth. “Have you been inside yet?” Gaston asked. “Nah. I was waiting for you.” Gaston looked at him skeptically. “You should have gone in and hidden all the best stuff from me so you could come back to get it later, after turning me in for the bounty.” Shift smiled innocently. “What, and miss the chance to send you through first, to check for traps?” The griffon shook his head sadly. “One of these days, you’re gonna trust someone too much, and they’re gonna burn you.” “Yeah, but it’s not gonna be you, is it? Come on, in you get.” “Gimme some light, poker-face.” Shift lit his horn, illuminating a few more feet of the floor ahead. Gaston took a deep breath to steel himself, and gingerly set one claw over the threshold. Nothing happened. The griffon sighed in relief, and started down the path. Seeing that there were no traps, Shift quickly gathered his jumbles of tools and gizmos, shoved them hastily into his saddlebags, and trotted after his partner. As soon as he stepped over the threshold, he tripped over his own hooves, and fell flat on his face. Gaston jumped at the clatter of bags and hooves on stone, and spun around to look at the unicorn incredulously. “What’s the matter with you? The unicorn grimaced in pain. “Sorry, I just...” He slowly lifted himself into a sitting position, holding one hoof against the top of his head. “Ow, geez. It’s this place, there’s - ah, that’s thick. I wish you could feel it, it’s like... it’s like I’m underwater, like... butter.” He shook his head vigorously to clear it, then opened his saddlebag and floated out the thaumometer. Both gauges were completely unreadable. The needle that indicated the strength of the local thaum field had apparently broken out of its casing and crashed back in on the other side, while the gyroscopic compass, which was supposed to point towards the nearest concentration of magic power, was spinning uncontrollably. “...Wow.” Shift turned to look at the doorway. “There must be some kind of dampening field built in.” He glanced back at Gaston, and his patent ‘I-told-you-so’ smirk started to spread across his face. “Well,” said Gaston, stretching his beak into a forced grin. “Shall we go see what it is that’ll be paying for a new five-gauge thaumometer?” But Shift would not be so easily distracted, not even by the thought of new toys. “Only if you admit that I was right.” The griffon let his smile drop, and rolled his eyes. “Fine. You win. Let’s go.” They walked on into the darkness, the bright shape of the door growing smaller and smaller behind them. When it was no more than a white speck in the distance, the pair came to a flat, square landing, where the tunnel turned sharply to the left. They glanced at each other, then started downwards once more. Their last connection to the outside world winked out of sight, leaving them with nothing but a solitary circle of floor and wall, and the wavering ghost of a ceiling far above. They turned another such corner. And another. And another. The walls continued, cold and seamless. Shift shivered. “Geez, when I said to damn it to Cocytos, I didn’t actually want to go there.” As they came to the fifteenth landing, the tunnel stretching, as always, left and down into nothingness, Gaston suddenly stopped. Shift crashed into him, and fell backwards onto his tail. “Ow!” Shift rubbed his flank gingerly. “What was that for?” “Do you have any chalk?” Gaston asked, looking back at him. Shift blinked a few times at the question. “Any what?” “Chalk. Charcoal. Quill ink. Anything to write with.” “Oh. Um...” Shift flipped open his saddlebag and rummaged around. He produced a short, stubby cylinder of green chalk, and held it out. Gaston snatched it with a whip of his tail, tossed it forward into his claw, and put it against the wall. He wrote, in large, spindly letters, “HERE”. Shift eyed the word curiously. “What’s that for?” “Just checking something,” Gaston said, passing the stub back. “Come on, let’s go.” One, two, three more corners they turned, spiraling down into the depths. But then, something different happened. They came to a landing not like the others. The tunnel continued, as always, down and to the left, but where the walls of the other landings - and, in fact, the rest of the tunnel - had been smooth and blank, this one had a single word, written in large, spindly green letters, with what looked like chalk. It said, simply, “HERE”. “Wait...” said Shift, putting the pieces together. “We’re going around in circles?” “I knew it. I thrice-damned, feather-flipping knew it.” Gaston flicked his tail in annoyance. “But... but that’s impossible! We’ve been going down the whole time!” The griffon looked at his partner in disbelief. “Oh, come on - I thought you were the one that was supposed to figure out all the weird magic stuff.” “I do locks, not... whatever this is!” Gaston sighed, and pinched the bridge of his beak. “Just... think of it as a really big lock, or something.” Shift looked anxiously back and forth between the way ahead, and the way they had come. He wasn’t quite sure which was which anymore. “Alright,” he said, with more than a hint of uncertainty in his voice. “Alright, let’s... let’s see if we can get out, first.” They retraced their steps, walking up the slopes instead of down, turning corners back to the right. But one, two, three, four landings later, the word “HERE” loomed up out of the darkness. They picked up speed, but four landings after that, “HERE” appeared again, like a ghost that would haunt them for the rest of their accursed days. “Oh no,” Shift said, his voice breaking in panic. His hooves began to tremble up and down. “Oh no, oh no, oh no...” Gaston smacked the unicorn in the back of the head. “Don’t start freaking out now!” he yelled. “There has to be a way out of here. This is just another door.” Shift flinched, and rubbed his neck gingerly, but didn’t fight back. “Ok,” he said. “Ok, um...” He lifted off his saddlebags with a yellow glow and dumped the contents unceremoniously onto the floor. Rummaging through the piles with his hooves, he eventually floated out a single object - a short, plain-looking wooden rod, topped with a single quartz crystal. “Ok. Ok, let’s, uh...” He trailed off, forgetting to finish his sentence. Gaston watched as Shift began to inch forward along the inside wall. The rod floated with him, its wooden end resting firmly against the side of his horn, and the quartz tip hovering millimeters from the cold gray stone. It seemed to vibrate and twitch as he progressed, like a record needle following grooves in the air. One minute and fifteen feet later, Shift stopped. He took a small step backwards, then forwards again, as if feeling the air with his head. “There’s... there’s something...” He turned and waved his hoof beckoningly. “Chalk.” Gaston quickly found the stub in the mess on the floor, and tossed it to Shift. Shift caught it with a yellow shimmer, and made two marks on the wall: a short, vertical line, and an arrow pointing to the right. Then, he turned around, flipped the rod to his other side, and started back towards the landing. “What are you doing?” Gaston asked, genuinely curious. “I have an idea,” Shift replied as he came around the corner. Gaston watched the unicorn retreat slowly up the hallway, the circle of light travelling with him. He paused, and made a second set of marks, then continued. As he rounded the corner of the next landing, the light disappeared altogether. The seconds ticked by like molasses. There was no sound except for his own breathing, and no color except for black. He began to see shapes wavering in the darkness - dancing, taunting, prowling. Even though he knew they were only in his imagination, his pulse quickened, and he felt his chest grow tight. Minutes later, Shift came back around the corner, and Gaston let out an involuntary sigh of relief. The unicorn was still maintaining his slow, methodical pace along the wall, feeling with the rod for some unseen details. About halfway down the hall, he stopped, and turned to face the sheer grey stone. A puzzled look passed over his face. He jumped slightly to his left, and then took a large, purposeful sideways step to the right. Two large, straight cracks appeared in the wall, and the hidden door slid silently down into the floor. “Ha!” Gaston exclaimed, running up to meet the unicorn. “See? I knew you could do it.” “You were right,” Shift said, smiling. “It was a really big lock - a combination lock, just without numbers. Counter, clockwise, counter.” Together, they walked inside. The chamber was not very impressive. It was a small, confining rotunda - well, small by the standards of the hallway outside, anyway. Four torch sconces, all long empty, ringed the wall. The only other feature was a tall, sheer stone door, directly opposite the one through which they had entered. There were, again, no handles, but unlike the other two, this one had a clearly defined border. A long line of runes was inscribed around its edge, though what they meant, Gaston could only begin to guess. “What does it say?” Shift furrowed his brow. “These... I haven’t seen runes like these since I was expelled from the Academy. Uh...” He began to mutter incoherently under his breath, eyes running over the symbols. Occasionally, he would interrupt himself with a small shake of his head, and a “No...” or “That’s not right” or “Damn it” would slip from between his teeth. “...I think,” he began after a few minutes of this, “that it says ‘Let they who opened the door open themselves.’” Gaston stared at him blankly. “...Or, it says that aloe vera tastes great on pickles. But, that’s probably not it.” “‘Let they who...’” Gaston began to repeat, them shook his head vigorously. “What in the world is that even supposed to mean?” “Well... I’m the one who opened the door,” Shift said, thinking. “And... it probably doesn’t want me to cut myself open - at least, I hope not - so... I guess it wants me to... open up to it? Like, tell it about myself?” Gaston rolled his eyes. “Riiiight. Go ahead and tell the magical door your life story.” “Do you have any better ideas?” Gaston opened his beak to speak, then shut it again grudgingly. “...No.” “Well, alright then.” Shift faced back to the door, and cleared his throat. “Um... hello. Door.” Gaston sighed heavily, and sat back on his haunches. “Um... My name is Shift Key. I’m a unicorn. Locksmith. My cutie mark is a... well, you can see it right here.” He turned his flank towards the door, and looked it over. “Sort of a... keyring, except the ring is a... skull.” He paused. “It’s always seemed a bit morbid to me, to be honest.” Gaston planted his face in his claws. There was no way this was going to work. “Anyway,” Shift continued, straightening. “Um... I grew up in New Unicornia. I never knew my parents, because they’d dropped me off in an orphanage before I’d even opened my eyes. I, uh... I never had many friends. I spent most of my time... tinkering with things. Finding things that were broken, and figuring out why they were broken, and... fixing them, sometimes. “I must have been pretty good at it, I suppose, because the ponies that ran the orphanage noticed, and when I was eight, they managed to get me a preliminary scholarship to Central University. ...Never really made many friends there, either. The teachers were great, though. I studied math, and history, and basic magic theory. I was especially interested in magical mechanization - the creation and operation of magic-powered machines. I got to be pretty famous in the inter-dormitory prank wars. I don’t think the faculty will ever forget the incident with the self-replicating bottle openers.” He smiled a sad, remembering smile. Gaston watched his partner curiously. Shift had never told him about this part of his life before, and now, he was telling it to a door. “A few years passed, though, and it was coming to a time where my scholarship was going to run out. I would either need to become a part-time student and get a job, drop out completely, or find a sponsor. Someone who believed in me enough to pay my way through the rest of college, in exchange for a few years of service afterwards. It’s a pretty common practice, among the... less affluent. “Well, amazingly, I got a sponsor. Her name was Diamond Mist, and uh... she was my first real crush.” He chuckled, and blushed slightly. “Of course, at the time, I didn’t know that that wasn’t her real name, or that I wouldn’t actually be working for her. I was just infatuated with the idea of... what would I have even been doing for her? Fixing her pipes? Adjusting her chandeliers? Helping her live out her romantic fantasies?” Shift thought for a moment. “Looking back on it, I was pretty stupid when I was young. No, scratch that - I’m still pretty stupid.” “You got that right,” Gaston wanted to interject, but found that he couldn’t bring himself to. Shift forged on. “Anyway. I finished school, graduated with a few honors that nopony who actually pays attention to honors would give a flying feather about, and got ready to be Diamond Mist’s personal mechanic for a few years. Then I found out that she was just a lackey - a recruiter, as it were - and that she had officially transferred ownership of my indentured servitude to a stallion that... well, to be honest, I had only ever heard stories about. “Linch Pin - King of the Equestrian Underworld. A pony that dresses so sharply that he cuts his bread with his cufflinks. He has a hoof in every shadow, and a shadow in every house. And he had a very... different idea about how to utilize my skills. “My ‘test run’ was cracking the safe-box of a small-town grocer. He hadn’t been paying his dues, and needed to be ‘taught a lesson’. I got my cutie mark a week later, breaking open the vault of a branch of the Central Equestrian Bank in Whinnyapolis. I’ll be honest - when that mark appeared, it really made me believe that that was what I was supposed to be doing. Thieving, robbing - opening doors that weren’t supposed to be opened. “A year or so later, there was a... jewelry store in Manehattan. They were supposedly holding on to a collection of priceless Saddle Arabian artifacts for the Manetropolitan Museum. Turned out the whole thing was a setup by the Royal Guard, just to catch me. Which is... flattering, I guess. It worked. I got carted off to Alcatrot, smacked with a life sentence. A few weeks of rotting later, they came back and offered me a deal: I could stay in prison for the rest of my days, or I could give them every scrap of information I had on Linch Pin and his networks, in exchange for a commuted sentence - possibly even a job, if my info was good enough. “I accepted, of course. I was young, I was scared - I hadn’t even wanted to be a criminal in the first place. But then...” Shift turned to look at Gaston, chuckling slightly, a strange, goofy grin plastered across his face. “But then, the day before my hearing, this... thrice-damned, galavanting griffon comes in, busts my flank out of jail, and ruins... everything!” He burst out laughing, forcing the rest of his words out between bouts of giggles. “So - so now, Linch hates Gaston because he didn’t bring me back, and the Guard hates Gaston because he broke a prisoner out of their top joint like taking candy from a foal, and Linch hates me because his moles in the Guard found out I was gonna squeal, and the Guard hates me because they think I’m back with Linch!” His laughter escalated maniacally, echoing down the dark stone corridors. His head bucked backwards with every gasp of breath, threatening to topple the unicorn like a tower of blocks. The light from his horn flickered like a flame in the wind. Gaston watched with a mixture of shared amusement and extreme worry. He had never really thought about their situation that way, but, in his opinion, Shift was finding it far funnier than seemed healthy. Slowly, the unicorn petered out, his last few guffaws spluttering like an engine out of oil. He wiped the mirthful tears from his eyes with one hoof, and took a deep, blissful breath. “Yup,” he said eventually. “Everyone hates us, and we only have each other. But you know what?” He looked back up at the door. “I don’t mind.” Gaston’s eyes widened in surprise. What? Shift didn’t seem to notice, and continued. “Sure, he can be a bit of a bastard, sometimes - but so can I. I know that. And sometimes, he makes me feel like less than a fly on a cow patty, but... sometimes I need that. Besides -” He turned to look at the griffon once again, smiling peacefully, his eyes shimmering. “I can always get back at him.” Gaston sat speechless and open-beaked, staring in amazement. “We try to stay on the straight and narrow - well, on the less-curved and thinner, anyway. But the truth is, I would do anything for him. And... maybe it’s naive, but... I like to think he’d do the same for me. He’s like the... brother... father... uncle-thing that I never had. And... I don’t know what I’d do without him.” There was awkward silence as Shift and Gaston stared at each other, and it seemed like something else should really have been happening - like, for instance, a nearby door opening dramatically - but nothing did. Eventually, Shift turned back to the door, and cleared his throat. “Yeah,” he said. “That’s about it.” A few more seconds ticked past, but the door remained obstinately inactive. Shift let out a deep breath, and plopped down onto the floor. “Well,” he said. “That was therapeutic.” “No bucking kidding!” Gaston exclaimed, speaking for the first time in minutes. “Hey!” Shift frowned at him. “Language!” “I’ll curse at you all I want, you sad sack of dingo-dung! What am I, your secret lover, or something?” Shift opened his mouth to retort, but found himself chuckling instead. “It did sound like that, didn’t it?” he asked, covering his mouth with the back of one hoof, an embarrassed smile coloring his cheeks. “You’re bucking right, it did!” Gaston said, his own grin widening. For a few moments, they both just laughed at each other - and it was the happiest either of them had ever been. “You know what?” Shift asked. “I don’t even care about what’s behind there anymore. This - just this was worth coming for.” “Oh, stuff it, you sappy mule-wife.” Suddenly, the runes around the door glowed bright blue. Unicorn and griffon watched as a single, large symbol appeared, etched in light in the center of the door. Then, the stone split in two, and the halves slid to the sides, revealing the darkness beyond. “...What did that say?” Gaston asked. “Um... ‘Pure’, I think.” “Huh. A door that you have to not want to open to open.” “Tricky bastards,” Shift murmured, rising to his hooves. The door led into a large, circular room - at least, they assumed it was circular, because what they could see of the walls curved slightly before leaving their pool of light. They stood on a platform, about ten feet square, that jutted out from the wall. Below them was nothing but a dark and empty void. “How deep is that?” Gaston wondered aloud. Shift looked around for loose rocks or rubble, but there were none to be found. Wordlessly, he tossed his quartz-tipped rod out over the edge. They both twisted their heads to listen for it hitting the bottom. ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... “Damn,” Gaston said, impressed. Shift turned around, and noticed small, crystalline shapes - half-spheres - jutting out of the wall every few feet. They looked very similar to the sort of prismatic lighting used in the more high-end mansions of Unicornia. Light wasn’t his specialty, but he charged up a feeble bolt anyway, and fired it at the nearest crystal. The bolt bounced into the sphere, and to his amazement, it stuck inside. A feeble glow began to emanate from it, supplementing his horn’s own light. A few more feet of wall became visible, and with it, a few more of the spheres. He fired another bolt, and another, working his way along the wall. Then, about a dozen spheres later, they began to light themselves. Slowly, at first, like a fuse or a candle wick - but soon, light was spreading like wildfire. The orbs winked into life all along the wall, circling back around to the other side of the platform. The chamber looked to be fifty paces across, at least. Then, orbs began to light on the levels below. Gaston and Shift Key watched as the room came to life. Pathways began to flicker into existence - one, then three, then twenty - circle upon circle upon circle, extending down into the depths. Along each pathway, spaced between the orbs of light, were dozens and dozens of doors, each one open to a room. Through the closer archways, they could see things - things on pedestals, platforms, and floors - dark things, shiny things, large things, small things - but unquestionably, valuable things. They looked and each other, and smiled. “Shift,” Gaston said. “Go get the rope.” Preliminary ReportCopied from the archives of the Order of the Iron Star Preliminary Report: “The Vault” Case Agent: Shelly Farthing July 5th, 374 A.E. The site now dubbed as “The Vault” is located inside Mt. Bucktooth, in the western half of the Unicorn Range. The interior appears to be hoof-made, but the stone is completely seamless, and there are no imperfections that could normally be associated with hoof-carved tunnels. It is currently unknown who or what constructed the Vault. The components of the Vault are as follows: 1. “The Door” The Door lies under an overhang near the peak of the mountain. It measures approximately 17 feet high by 11 feet wide. When closed, the Door is indistinguishable from the rock face. The Door has a complex magical locking mechanism, and when this mechanism is tripped incorrectly, the Door retaliates with a bolt of magical energy. When unlocked properly, the Door slides down into the ground. It cannot be closed manually from the outside. There appears to be a mechanism for closing the Door from the inside, but researchers have so far been unable to crack it. For now, the Door only shuts itself automatically when at least one (1) being has entered and exited, and even then will not close if any other beings remain inside. 2. “The Lock” The Lock is a circular segment of tunnels, measuring 17 feet high by 11 feet wide. These tunnels are comprised of long, descending sections, connected at 90-degree angles by square landings which measure 11 by 11 feet. The first two segments of tunnel from the door are not part of the Lock. The Lock begins once a being has passed the second landing. At this point, they are trapped in the Lock, and will remain in the same connecting set of four (4) tunnels and four (4) landings, no matter how long they travel, or in which direction, until such a time as the Lock is unlocked. The spatial impossibility that this presents is currently under investigation. The Lock appears to be able to distinguish between beings working together, and beings that are separate. Groups of beings will remain within the same instance of the Lock, even if they enter at vast intervals, currently known to be at least up to one hour apart from each other. However, when a being or group that designates itself as “separate” from a being or group already in the Lock enters, the being(s)/group(s) will be unable to see, hear, or make physical contact with each other. It appears that the Vault creates extra instances of the Lock for additional groups/beings. The effect of the Lock ends when the correct route is walked, and the door to the Keyhole is opened. Following the events of Incident 03 and the disappearance of Agent Pendergast, no more than five (5) beings are allowed to enter the Vault at any one time, and these beings are required to be on very good terms with each other. As a safety precaution, all agents are advised to mentally identify themselves as Loyal Servants of the Three Crowns when entering the Lock, in order to prevent future incidents. 3. “The Keyhole” The Keyhole is a small, cylindrical, dome-roofed room, 22) feet in diameter. The only features are two doors, 17 feet high by 11 feet wide, directly opposite from each other. One leads into the room from the Lock - the other exits into the Core. The door to the Core is lined with a sentence of runes. These runes have been identified as the same language used in many ancient texts with unidentified authors. The runes read, approximately, “Let they who opened the door open themselves.” Interestingly, it is not actually necessary for the being who opened the Door to be present in order for the Keyhole to be passed through. After several tests, the door has shown itself to be semi-sentient. It will only open if it judges the being/beings before it to be “pure.” The easiest way to do this appears to be to convince the door that you have no desire to actually open it or take anything from within. If the door deems that a being is worthy, the rune for “pure” will appear on the door, and it will open. Following the events of Incident 02, indentured criminals and other beings that could be considered “impure” are no longer to be used for any activity within the vicinity of the Vault. 4. “The Core” The Core is an open-centered cylindrical chamber that measures 110 feet in diameter by 385 feet high. It has thirty-five (35) levels, including the ground floor, but not including the entry platform. Each level is comprised of a circular ledge which extends out from the wall 11 feet. Each level has a certain number of openings spaced evenly around the circumference of the chamber, leading into rooms of various sizes. These rooms contain a variety of pedestals, platforms, mannequins, and, in some cases, pools for holding various objects. These rooms are always perfectly cubical and never intersect with each other, even when they should, either logically, mathematically, or spatially. Attempts to tunnel through the walls and floor between adjoining rooms have thus far failed. At the time when the Vault was opened by the Order, only [REDACTED] objects remained in their chambers. >Levels 1-11 each have thirty-three (33) openings, each leading into a room measuring 11 by 11 by 11 feet. >Levels 12-22 each have twenty-two (22) openings, each leading into a room measuring 22 by 22 by 22 feet. >Levels 23-33 each have eleven (11) openings, each leading into a room measuring 33 by 33 by 33 feet. These rooms appear to have never been designated for any objects. >Level 34 has seven (7) openings, each leading into a room measuring 77 by 77 by 77 feet. These rooms appear to have never been designated for any objects. >Level 35, the bottom level, has three (3) openings, each leading into a room 121 by 121 by 121 feet. These rooms appear to have never been designated for any objects. On the floor, in the center of the main Core chamber, is a large stone statue, approximately 11 feet high, that appears to have once held six (6) unidentified spheres, with five of the holders evenly surrounding a sixth, higher one. The purpose of this statue is yet to be determined. The Vault was discovered by the Order when a series of powerful artifacts surfaced, both on the black market and in various illegal activities. The origin of these artifacts was traced back to an abandoned warehouse in Whinnyapolis. When it was raided, the wanted criminals Shift Key and Gaston Molyneux were captured, along with several of the remaining unsold artifacts. They revealed the source of their items to be the Vault, and gladly told Order agents its location, and instructed them in the operation of the Vault’s components. The Misters Key and Molyneux are currently being held as indentured consultants until such a time as the known remaining artifacts are captured. The current known items will be detailed in further reports. Case Update 1: September 2nd, 374 A.E. Shift Key and Gaston Molyneux have been indispensably helpful in locating many of the more troublesome artifacts thus far. As such, Viscount Monroe and Viceroy Cooper have scheduled a hearing to discuss their upgrade to paid consultants. However, it is the opinion of Case Agent Farthing that the pair should not be allowed any such freedoms. She would like to remind any Order members voting at the hearing that Shift Key and Gaston Molyneux have still never revealed where the profits from their original black-market auctions are being kept, and thus, are not to be trusted. Case Update 2: October 1st, 374. A.E. Shift Key and Gaston Molyneux were granted paid consultant status by a vote of 7 for and 4 against. Case Update 3: November 11th, 374 A.E. Shift Key and Gaston Molyneux escaped from their quarters in the Order base in New Unicornia. The means through which they did so are currently under investigation, but they appear to involve a security guard that gave them more basic supplies than he was authorized to. Their current whereabouts are unknown. Case Agent Farthing would like to advise any Order agents studying this case in the future to remember that criminals are criminals, no matter how charming and helpful they may be. Author's Note I've always wanted to try writing something in an SCP Foundation style, and this story seemed like the perfect opportunity to do it. I'll be updating this story every once in a while with reports on various artifacts, like the Alicorn Amulet, and that history-recording crystal shard that Celestia had in S3E1. If you've never heard of the Secure Containment Protocols Foundation, I highly recommend that you go check it out. It is the greatest collection of sentient computers, clockwork diseases, and threats to humankind ever assembled. It's like the repository for all those ideas that the writers of X-Files and Fringe looked at and went "Whoa, no, we can't do that. That's just crazy." The way in which the articles are written is simply engrossing, and the stories that go along with them are fantastic. There are layers, upon layers, upon layers - and the deeper you go, the less you want to leave. That, and the J-series SCPs are just downright hilarious. Set aside a few hours, at least - it's as bad as TVTropes. Maybe even worse. V-27: A Rowanwood HourglassItem Number: V-27 Designations: Useful, Dangerous, Contained Administrator: Vicereine Trilby Lead Researcher: Doctor Raleigh Procedure: V-27 is to be kept in a small, unmarked crate in Warehouse 4. No additional security measures should be necessary at this time. Description: V-27 is a small hourglass, approximately 3 inches in diameter and 5 inches tall. It appears to be made of glass and carved rowan wood, but has proven itself to be more resilient than those materials should normally be. Despite its mundane appearance, thaumaturgical mapping shows that an incredibly high amount of thaum flux constantly surrounds the object. Unlike other flux-generating objects, the flux surrounding V-27 has no noticeable effect on its surroundings. V-27 behaves like a normal hourglass whenever it is flipped or turned by non-magical means. When it was first captured by the Order, V-27 contained approximately 7,900 fine grains of sand, and measured a consistent time period of five minutes, fifty-three seconds (5:53). Currently, V-27 contains approximately 6,000 grains of sand, and measures a period of four minutes, twenty-seven seconds (4:27). The anomalous properties of V-27 appear to become active when the object is turned over by magic - however, the activation of V-27 has never been successfully observed. In each of three attempts, the test subject that was slated to attempt activation of V-27 has had it suddenly appear in their possession several minutes before the test was scheduled to occur. The subjects were each disoriented, and had vague memories of events that were going to happen within the next few minutes. The hourglass appears to lose some sand each time this occurs. It is theorized that [REDACTED] Following Incident V-27-A, V-27 has been deemed too dangerous for Order use, and has been scheduled for transfer to secure storage. Experiment Log: Test 1: An earth pony subject is given a variety of basic tools, and told to experiment with V-27. After 15 minutes, nothing of note has occured. Test 2: A pegasus subject is given a variety of basic tools, and told to experiment with V-27. After flipping it over a few times, the subject appears to lose interest in basic experimentation. He takes a hammer and begins to beat on V-27. The subject is quickly removed from the test area, and V-27 is inspected for damage. Interestingly, there are no marks anywhere on the object. Test 3: Cancelled. Planned subject was a unicorn. Approximately 5 minutes and 52 seconds before the test was scheduled to occur, V-27 disappeared from the testing chamber and reappeared in the possession of the subject. Subject quoted as saying “Whoa... that felt weird.” Interviews revealed that the subject remembered experimenting with V-27, but couldn’t quite remember what had caused the anomaly. Future testing to focus on V-27’s response to magic, based on the first occurrence of this anomaly being with a unicorn. Test 4: Cancelled. Planned subject was a unicorn, told beforehoof to experiment on V-27 using only her magic. Approximately 5 minutes and 52 seconds before test was scheduled to occur, V-27 once again displaced itself into her possession. Subject clearly recalled witnessing a minor laboratory fire in Room 119 on her way to the testing chamber. 2 minutes and 33 seconds later, the “remembered” event occurred. Examination of V-27 revealed that the object contained slightly less sand than it had at time of capture. Test 5: Cancelled. Planned subject was a unicorn. Test was designed to confirm loss of sand upon occurrence of anomaly. Anomaly occurred approximately 5 minutes and 51 seconds prior to test; loss of sand confirmed. Incident Report: V-27-A At 3:29 PM on January 4th, 375 A.E., Vicereine Trilby burst out of her office in a panic. V-27 was in her possession. She began ordering every worker and agent in sight to barricade the front entrance of the building, and move to their defensive stations. It has been calculated that during the following 67 seconds, she took a path through the building that brought her into vocal contact with the highest amount of other ponies possible. Many of the involved employees attempted to question Trilby, but she reportedly answered every one of their questions before they could ask them. At 3:30 PM, a large, hostile force, later identified as Linch Pin’s “Wrecking Crew”, began breaking down the main doors. The strike would have been devastating under any other circumstances - however, due to the last-minute preparations instigated by Vicereine Trilby, there were zero friendly losses, and nearly half of the opposing force was incapacitated or captured. Post-incident examination of V-27 revealed that it held significantly less sand than it had at the end of Test 5. Based on previous sand losses, it is estimated that Vicereine Trilby was forced to use V-27 [REDACTED] times before the desired outcome was achieved. Trilby herself admitted that she lost count at 20. According to her report, once the anomaly has occurred, V-27 cannot be activated again until its activation would not create the anomaly any earlier than the previous occurrence. A review board found the Vicereine’s unauthorized use of the object justified under the circumstances. Following the incident, Base [REDACTED] has been shut down, and all contained documentation and artifacts have been transferred to other sites. V-27 has been moved to Warehouse 4. V-58: A Heart of StoneItem Number: V-58 Designations: Dangerous, Harmful, Contained Administrator: Marquess Lemke Lead Researcher: Agent Markovsky Vault Correspondent: Doctor Ishtar Note: Who the [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] gave this thing to Lemke? I swear, if she tries to sneak that [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] into my coffee one more time, I’m going to call a [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] review board on her [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] before she can say [EXPLETIVE REACTED]. -Archduke Montagne Note: Just trying to keep you on your hooves, Dukey. -Marquess Lemke Procedure: V-58 is to be kept in a runewrought, reinforced, acid-resistant glass tank in the basement of Base [REDACTED]. This tank is to be filled with purified seawater at a pressure of at least 50 PSI. The water is only to be drained if it has experienced significant clouding, subject to the discretion of Agent Markovsky. Draining is not to occur at any other time. If the blood of V-58 has been requested for testing, the requesters in question will be notified at least 16 hours ahead of draining so they can be on-hoof to perform collection. The tubes that connect the various chambers of V-58 together are to be replaced every draining, regardless of structural integrity. Replacement of the tank’s panels is on an as-needed basis, subject to the discretion of Agent Markovsky. Any spillage occurring during standard replacement procedures is to be swept up with fresh rowan branches and burned as quickly as possible. In the event that both the tubes and tank of V-58 break, and the resulting spillage is too great to be contained normally, Base [REDACTED] is to be locked down until a properly equipped recovery team can be mobilized. Anyone who hears V-58 speak to them should report it immediately. Anyone found conversing with V-58 without permission may be subject to reassignment or termination, pending a full psychological review. Description: V-58 appears to be a large heart, approximately 2 feet in diameter. Its appearance is consistent with a heart that has been ripped out of a chest, not surgically removed. V-58 does not appear to be made of muscle - instead, it’s texture and color are similar to hardened magmatic rock. Acquiring samples has proven difficult, due to the toughness of V-58’s flesh, and the damage its blood does to our tools. V-58 beats and pumps out blood as though it were inside a body. How it does this and where the blood comes from is unknown, but it does not appear to run out. Using artificial devices to transport the outgoing blood back into V-58’s correct ingoing valves has been shown to result in the blood’s disappearance. As such, acid-resistant tubes are being used to simulate V-58’s primary arteries and veins. V-58 normally beats at a rate of approximately 23 beats per minute. This rate has been slowed significantly by the high-pressure environment it is currently held in, to approximately 4 beats per minute. The blood which V-58 produces is a semi-viscous reddish-black liquid. It is highly poisonous, toxic, and acidic, and measures a temperature of approximately 750 degrees Marenheit upon immediately exiting V-58. Through what little testing has been accomplished, it has been shown to have properties and composition similar to several different materials, including magma, hydrochloric acid, and the blood of cold-blooded creatures such as lizards and snakes. The full list of identified components can be found in the Base-Level Administrative Library. V-58 has been reported by several personnel as speaking to them - however, no personnel other than the ones being spoken to have been able to hear it. Affected personnel have consistently described V-58’s voice as deep and gravelly, but most definitely female. When asked what exactly V-58 said to them, the response is generally that it was too horrible to talk about, followed by a request to be given a different assignment. There has only been one outstanding case (see Incident V-58-A). No discernible pattern has emerged in the types of subjects that V-58 talks to. Agent Markovsky has suggested that the staff overseeing V-58 be rotated regularly to provide a larger experimental sample - this suggestion is pending acceptance by Administration. Security measures around V-58 have been increased following Incident V-58-A. Addendum V-58-1: V-58 was one of the few objects that was still in its assigned chamber when the Order first opened the Vault. There, it was held in a shallow stone pool that appeared to constantly absorb its blood. Research into how this previous containment functioned is led by Doctor Ishtar of the Vault Research Team. Incident V-58-A: Note: This incident occurred before the tube system for V-58 had been implemented. -Agent Markovsky On [TIMESTAMP REDACTED], Coal Cell, an indentured criminal working at the Base where V-58 is kept, is reported to have suddenly stopped in the hallway on his way to a test of V-[REDACTED]. He stood still for several moments, as though listening to something, then immediately turned and made his way downstairs. He came to stand in front of the observation window of V-58’s chamber, and began to converse with V-58. Personnel witnessing the incident report that Mr. Cell was not speaking any language that they had ever heard. After a few seconds, V-58 began to beat at a highly accelerated rate, estimated to be almost 45 beats per minute. The massive shift in pressure caused a breach in V-58’s tank. The blood spill resulting from the breach claimed the lives of two (2) junior researchers who had been inspecting the tank for damage. Mr. Cell began to laugh uncontrollably, and continued to laugh and watch through the window as emergency protocols were enacted and the incident was contained. When later interrogated about the event, Mr. Cell would only smile and say “Ask her about it, why don’t you.” V-66: A Silver and Ruby AmuletItem Number: V-66 Designations: Dangerous, Harmful, Uncontained Administrator: Viscount Monroe Operation Commander: Agent Pollet Procedure: V-66 is to be found and contained as soon as possible. Viscount Monroe has been given full authorization to pull as many personnel from other projects as he deems necessary for the completion of this task. Lethal force has been authorized against any pony wearing V-66. Description: V-66 is a silver amulet, inlaid with sixteen (16) rubies. The main body of the amulet is a large triangle, which holds the largest, central ruby - an 85-carat flattened diamond-cut measuring almost 4 inches in length. At the top of this triangle are three adornments. The central adornment appears to be a side profile of a unicorn head, with another small ruby forming the eye. On each side of this head is a long, feathery wing, spread to extend V-66’s triangular shape. Each wing has seven (7) more rectangle-cut rubies of decreasing lengths inlaid along their inside edges. V-66 has no chain or clasp as one might expect such an amulet to have. Instead, when V-66 is placed against a pony’s neck, the wing adornments animate, curling around the neck to hold itself in place. If the pony in question is large, and the wings cannot properly encompass their neck, V-66 will still be able to hold itself firmly. These effects have been observed on earth ponies and unicorns, so it is assumed V-66 would function for pegasi as well. V-66 has not been seen to function on other species. Once V-66 has been placed onto a pony’s neck, it cannot be removed by any being except the wearer. The limits of this connection have not yet been tested, but attempts to remove V-66 in the field have included magic, griffon claws, and crowbars. [Update: See Addendum V-66-1] V-66 has two known effects. The first effect only appears to manifest when V-66 is worn by a unicorn. The color of the unicorn’s magic will become a vivid red, and their level of power will increase dramatically. They will be able to perform spells that would normally only be castable by mages of a much higher tier, and will be able to do so with barely any apparent effort. The method through which this empowerment is accomplished is unknown. The second effect of V-66 manifests slowly, over time. Once any kind of pony has begun wearing V-66, they will gradually begin to exhibit a variety of symptoms, including: A desire not to remove V-66 Irritability Mild sadism The irises flashing red when extremely emotional A marked increase in the frequency and intensity of their emotional outbursts Debilitating fear and paranoia, often involving harmless and/or inanimate objects A superiority complex If V-66 is removed within a few weeks of clasping, these effects will eventually subside and disappear. However, if V-66 is worn for approximately one month, they appear to become permanent, and additional symptoms occur, including: A drastic decrease in the frequency and intensity of any display of emotion whatsoever The exacerbation of their previous paranoias, as well as new additions Split personality disorder Extreme sadism The fur of the wearer becoming black The irises of the wearer becoming red The mane and tail of the wearer becoming white A defined increase in the physical strength and musculature of the wearer The desire to be referred to as “My King”, “My Liege”, or “sir”, even if the wearer is female The intense desire for dominion over whatever groups or organizations the wearer considers themselves to be a part of. If this is achieved, the wearer will then begin to seek out other groups to conquer, and add to its “brotherhood” The delivery of disproportionate punishments whenever the wearer feels they have been slighted, disrespected, or disobeyed A notable increase in the wearer’s intelligence and leadership ability An extreme increase in the loyalty and unquestioning obedience of the wearer’s subordinates (This is most likely a secondary effect of V-66’s changes on the wearer, and not an effect of V-66 itself.) The empowering nature of V-66, combined with the effects it has on the ponies who wear it, makes V-66 a top priority for recovery above almost any other V-series items. ~~V-66 is currently in the possession of Linch Pin’s Manehattan lieutenant, Pool Shark.~~ The location of V-66 is currently unknown. See Addendum V-66-1. Addendum V-66-1: For a period of approximately five weeks, V-66 was in the possession of Pool Shark, then-Manehattan lieutenant of Linch Pin. It should be noted that Pool Shark was an earth pony, and thus did not have the benefits of V-66’s primary effect. During this time, the organization and effectiveness of Pool Shark’s forces in Manehattan, as well as the strategic prowess she displayed in their deployment, was difficult for the Order to counter and combat. [REDACTED] safehouses were compromised, and [REDACTED] artifacts were lost. This period ended abruptly, for no reason known to the Order at the time. Investigation revealed that Pool Shark had attempted to assassinate Linch Pin and usurp control of Pin’s organizations. She had apparently failed. The body was found a few days later by a kelp-trawling ship off the Manehattan coast. Other than rot, mild wildlife damage, and several stab wounds, the body was entirely intact. Interestingly, the body seemed to exhibit early stages of the growth of [REDACTED], a [REDACTED], and a [REDACTED], despite the fact that Pool Shark was a female earth pony. However, the body was no longer wearing V-66. Due to these events, it is thought that it is possible to remove V-66 once the wearer is dead. As such, lethal force is fully authorized against future wearers that appear. V-83: Quicksilver HorseshoesItem Number: V-83 Designations: Useful, Cautionary, Contained Administrator: Lady Alexandra Lead Researcher: Agent Braydon Procedure: When not in use, V-83 is to be kept in a vacuum-sealed container in the Emergency Equipment Vault of Base [REDACTED], Locker 12. Access to the EEV requires two (2) Administrator-Level keystones. Access to Locker 12 requires the keystone of Agent Braydon, who will maintain a log of the time all personnel have spent wearing V-83, and monitor all experiments involving V-83. V-83 is not to be worn by any single pony for more than 4 hours within any period of 7 days, and no more than 10 hours per month. Note: Unless otherwise approved by myself or Agent Braydon, future research on V-83 is to focus solely on how we can replicate its primary effect without the secondary effects. We already know what it does, we just need to know how to do it. This kind of device would be indispensably useful, especially for our earth ponies and unicorns. -Lady Alexandra Description: V-83 is a set of four (4) ornamental horseshoes, similar in style to the shoes from suits of old-style ritual Pegasopolan armor. Visually, they appear to be made out of pure mercury, but it has proven impossible to collect samples. Tools, magic, and other inorganic materials pass through V-83 as though they were liquid. Any “drops” drawn away from the material of V-83 will gravitate back towards the shoe they were taken from. It these drops encounter high resistance to their flow, such as being contained in a beaker, they will break, melt, and/or drill their way through any resisting materials. Tested materials include glass, wood, hooves, and 2-inch reinforced steel plating. Similarly, if any shoe is moved more than 10 feet away from any other shoe, it will lose its shape and attempt to “flow” back towards the other shoes, reforming itself once it is within 2 feet of any other shoe. When V-83 is worn, it is possible for the wearer to “step” on liquids and gases as though they were solid surfaces. This effect manifests itself as though there were invisible slopes, stairs, walls, or platforms wherever the wearer desires them to be. However, these objects will not manifest or change themselves if it would have the possibility to cause harm to the wearer (i.e. creating a sheer cliff in the wearer’s path while they are standing several feet off of the ground). V-83 does not appear to take the skills and proficiencies (i.e. training in safe falling, wings) of the wearer into account, and operates on its own consistent set of “safety rules”. It has been observed that even when the wearer appears to be standing “on solid ground”, V-83 never actually makes contact with the floor, but rests on an extremely thin cushion of air. If the wearer is not moving, they can be easily pushed, pulled, or turned. However, if the wearer is actively desiring to stay still, V-83 has an indeterminately high coefficient of friction. Due to the fact that V-83 only reacts with living beings, it has proven unreasonably dangerous to our personnel to test the upper limits of its hold. The long-term effects of wearing V-83 appear to be consistent with regular mercury poisoning, though at a highly accelerated rate compared to regular dermal absorption. As such, time spent wearing V-83 is to be strictly monitored and limited. V-90: A Small Metal KeyItem Number: V-90 Designations: Unsolved, Harmless, Contained Administrator: Director Barton Lead Researcher: Director Barton Procedure: V-90 is to be kept on a magically-reinforced leather strap around Director Barton’s neck. It is only to be removed if a viable matching lock for V-90 is found, and only then with the permission of the Director and two (2) other members of Administration. Note: We need to figure out what V-90 goes to. It might only be some demi-god’s personal locker, but there’s also the chance that it goes to some kind of secondary Vault. As such, I’m giving this project top priority. All agents and personnel, in addition to their current assigned tasks, are required to read all information related to V-90. That includes studying the pattern map. You look at those lines, and you look at them good. If you see anything like them out in the field, or find something that seems to be made of the same kind of metal, don’t submit it through the usual channels. Bring it straight back to me. I’ll even fill out the paperwork for you afterwards. -Director Barton Description: V-90 is a small key, approximately 2.5 inches in length. It appears to be made of bronze or a similar alloy, but no tool or method has been able to remove scrapings for testing. V-90 has proven incredibly resistant to any attempt to bend, melt, or otherwise damage it. V-90 has no apparent physical “teeth”, as normal keys do. To the naked eye, V-90 appears to be a small bronze rod with a handle at one end. However, thaumaturgical mapping shows that V-90 constantly projects a massive cone of energy down its shaft, measuring approximately 15 yards long, and 7 yards across at its end-point. This cone is not a solid projection, but is comprised of approximately nineteen (19) “tendrils” of energy, which curl, split, and branch off in a variety of recurring patterns resembling no known magical locking systems. The detail of this pattern is so small as to be almost undetectable - as such, full mapping of the pattern has been cancelled. The incomplete mapping is available on request from the Order archives. Addendum V-90-1: Agent Martinez requested use of V-165 to attempt to complete the pattern map. Request was granted by Archduke Montagne. Note: There might be something in there if you look deep enough, but we don’t know how deep this thing goes. If it takes longer than three months, I’m putting Martinez back in the field. -Director Barton V-165: A Silver-Rimmed LensItem Number: V-165 Designations: Useful, Unsolved, Cautionary, Contained Administrator: Archduke Montagne Lead Researcher: Agent Lee Procedure: When not in use, V-165 is to be kept in a velvet-lined box in the safe of Archduke Montagne’s office. To request use of V-165 for testing, please submit the proper forms to Under-Secretary Haasburg. Note: I would like to state for the record that V-165’s ability to see through walls is entirely rumor, and that personnel who are found to be requisitioning V-165 for the sole purpose of spying on the locker rooms will be reprimanded severely. -Archduke Montagne Description: V-165 is a lens approximately 4 inches in diameter. It is made entirely out of smooth, polished quartz crystal, and is rimmed by two (2) thin bands of silver, each of which has a small, sphere-shaped nodule. Unlike other V-series items, it does not display any unnatural or magical durability, and thus, should be handled with the utmost delicacy. The scratch that V-165 obtained when testing this factor does not appear to inhibit its function. V-165 functions similarly to our own thaumic lenses in that it can see the shape and pattern of various thaumic fields. However, normal thaumic lenses are only able to see one type of field per lens. By rotating the silver nodules on the bands circling V-165, one can adjust it between viewing a large number of different fields, including many not previously known. It also has a viewing clarity unrivaled by any of our own devices. How V-165 accomplishes this is unknown. The estimated number of fields it is able to view, based on the rotational position of known fields, is [REDACTED]. Known viewable fields include: The Potential Field The Intrinsic Field The Prismatic Field The Celestial Field The Phlogistonic Field The Aetherial Field The Terrarian Field The Aquarian Field An unknown field that appears to be related to darkness and/or shadows - further research is underway. An unknown field that appears to be related to living things - further research is underway. An unknown field. It’s purpose cannot be discerned, because it appears entirely black through V-165. It is assumed that the type of magic related to this field is uncastable by ponies, or has simply never been cast. Further research is underway. An unknown field that appears to be related to [REDACTED]. Research into this field has been cancelled following Incidents V-165-A and V-165-B. Research into further fields viewable by V-165 has been put on hold following Incidents V-165-A and V-165-B. Note: No, viewing that particular field did not send Agent Lee into “the throes of the broodfester tongues”, whatever those are. She did not see “ancient secrets never meant to be seen by pony eyes”. She is recovering well, and will be back to work within the next few weeks. If this mocking continues, I will feel perfectly justified in giving her a list of every pony I have seen making light of her situation behind her back. Your fate is in your hooves. -Archduke Montagne Incident V-165-A: While performing a field-progression test with V-165, Agent Lee moved past the previous maximum point of exploration (Field 11) and into Field 12. The events that followed, as transcribed by Stenographer Richards, are shown below. Lee: Field 11 is behaving normally- [She holds V-165 to her eye and looks around the room.] Lee: -still can’t see anything. Permission to move ahead to Field 12. Montagne: Permission granted. Lee: Moving to Field 12. [She adjusts the nodules slightly ahead, and holds V-165 to her eye.] Montagne: What do you see, Agent Lee? Lee: I see... hm. Montagne: Is it another black field? Lee: No, I can definitely see something, I just... [She squints, and seems to look into the distance.] Lee: [Whispered] What is that? Montagne: Agent Lee? Lee: Hold on, I just- [Lee freezes.] Montagne: Agent Lee? Lee: Oh no. Montagne: Agent Lee, what do you see? Lee: It’s coming! Oh [EXPLETIVE REDACTED], it’s coming! Montagne: Agent Lee, put down [V-165]! Lee: I can’t! It’s gonna kill me! It’s gonna- [Lee begins screaming uncontrollably. When security personnel remove V-165 from her eye, Lee collapses to the ground and convulses spastically, similar to the effects of a seizure. The on-stand-by medical team rushes Lee to sick-bay.] Montagne: For [EXPLETIVE REDACTED]’s sake, Richards, you can stop writing now. Incident V-165-B: [REDACTED] V-209: A [REDACTED]Item Number: V-209 Designations: Unsolved, Dangerous, Contained Administrator: Earl Waldon Lead Researcher: [REDACTED] Procedure: V-209 is to to be kept in a triple-locked safe in the sub-basement level of Warehouse 1. The room in which V-209 is kept is to have no fewer than three (3) guards on duty at any time. Access to V-209 is restricted to members of Administration and any personnel with the signed permission of at least three (3) members of Administration, including Earl Waldon. The key to the room is kept in Earl Waldon’s possession. The key to the safe is to be randomly relocated to a secure storage location within Base [REDACTED] every 24 hours. Note: Whoever’s moving that key for him... just bring it to me. Seriously. -Director Barton Note: The first pony to bring me that safe key gets double pay for a month. Make it three months if you break into his study and bring me both keys. -Viceroy Cooper Note: Wait. Warehouse 1 has a sub-basement level? Why has nopony told me about this? -Duchess Moran Description: V-209 is a small chunk of [REDACTED], approximately [REDACTED] inches in diameter. It was found in Vault Room [REDACTED], along with [REDACTED] similar objects. The other instances of V-209 are still contained in the Vault. Earl Waldon has requested that these other instances of V-209 be brought into Order custody as soon as possible. Testing on V-209 has revealed no unusual properties. However, V-209 does exhibit a large amount of thaumic aura, similar to the aura exuded by the Vault itself. Further testing has not yet been scheduled. Note: Waldon, you know this thing is just a [REDACTED], right? -Director Barton Note: Barton! I’m surprised at you. You’re the one that came up with these security protocols, and now you’re just ignoring them? I’ve edited your note for you. You’re welcome. -Earl Waldon Note: Waldon, it’s a [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] [REDACTED]! We don’t need to use one of our most secure storage facilities to keep a [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] [REDACTED] out of enemy hands! If we locked up every single [REDACTED] we came across, we’d put hundreds of farmers out of business, not to mention look like complete morons! Use it as a [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] paperweight on your desk, for all I care, but get it out of that safe! -Archduke Montagne Note: Seriously. When did Warehouse 1 get a sub-basement level? Who approved the paperwork for that? -Duchess Moran Note: Moran: Cooper and I signed, Pendragon triplicated. -Viscount Monroe Note: You too, Montagne? I am fully aware that V-209 looks like a [REDACTED], but the fact that it was kept within the Vault to begin with is evidence enough that it must be something more. Until we can identify what, exactly, it is, I am not taking any chances. V-209 was placed under my authority, so what I say goes. -Earl Waldon Note: Edited my last note for security. -Earl Waldon Note: Wow. Really, Waldon? -Marquess Lemke Note: Waldon, I gave that [REDACTED] to you as a welcoming gift, not as a dangerous object. It’s a bit of [REDACTED] that fell out of the Vault [REDACTED]. Did the box, wrapping paper, and card not make that clear? -Lord Pendragon Note: Whose bright idea was it to make Waldon a member of Administration in the first place? -Lady Alexandra Note: Alexandra: Please keep comments about personnel performance on their respective files. Thank you. -Viscount Monroe Note: I swear, Monroe, sometimes it seems like you three are running the whole place behind our backs. -Duchess Moran Note: Moran: See my note to Alexandra above. -Viscount Monroe Note: For the record, Alexandra, he was the only Agent with a high enough rank after Larkspur died. I’ve regretted my positive vote ever since. -Viceroy Cooper Note: Cooper: See my note to Alexandra above. -Viscount Monroe Note: I wish we still had that Shift Key fellow around - he could have gotten in there like nothing. -Viceroy Cooper Note: And who’s fault is that, I wonder? -Agent Farthing Note: Request to burn every copy of the entire V-209 file due to high risk of embarrassment breach. -Agent Durmeyer Note: Durmeyer, if you can get me those keys, we’ll have a [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] company barbeque on those copies. -Archduke Montagne Note: On it, sir. -Agent Durmeyer V-244: A Rosewood WandItem Number: V-244 Designations: Dangerous, Harmful, Contained Administrator: Duchess Moran (Reassignment under consideration) Lead Researcher: Doctor Mavel Note: If I hear anypony else joking about the fact that Incident V-244-A could have been avoided if we had given V-244 to Earl Waldon to go along with V-209, I will have them demoted to latrine duties before they even have the chance to snicker. The death of your peers should never be a laughing matter, no matter how ironic it may seem in hindsight. -Lord Pendragon Procedure: V-244 is to be kept locked in a velvet-lined, reinforced lead case in a solitary confinement cell in the Secure Storage Sub-level of Warehouse 2. Access to V-244 for any reason requires a majority vote of all Administrators. If V-244 enters an active phase and breaks containment, all non-essential personnel are to be evacuated immediately. Agents Cardan, Verdan, and Lockheed will be in charge of re-containment of V-244. If Cardan, Verdan, and Lockheed are all indisposed or unavailable, open Emergency Packet ER6-244 for further instructions. Description: V-244 is a gnarled wand of rosewood which measures exactly 1 cubit in length. As such, it is theorized that V-244 originates from somewhere in the Wither East, even though the type of rosewood with which it is made is not native to that continent. V-244 has an extremely powerful thaumic aura. The exact levels cannot be measured, since they are too high for even the Comprehensive Stationary Thaumometer (CoST) to properly detect. However, the aura does appear to be stronger in the direction that V-244 is pointing, judging by the damage done to CoST’s detector panels during attempted measurements. V-244’s aura does not have any apparent effect on living things, but any magically sensitive materials brought within an approximately 15-foot radius of V-244 (quartz crystals, rowanwood, nickel, etc.) will quickly, though at various rates, blacken, crack, and crumble. The resulting fragments are made of a material which is similar in appearance to charcoal, but is actually comprised of at least ten (10) unknown elements. Non-magical materials will also begin to be affected this way, given sufficient exposure. Even the walls of V-244’s chamber in the Vault were beginning to show signs of deterioration at the time of retrieval. It is obvious that V-244 was not designed with ponies in mind. The aura of V-244 counteracts both horn magic and hoof magic, making it incredibly difficult for any species of equine to properly hold. However, this does not mean it cannot be used by equines. (See Incident V-244-A) When V-244 is held by a ‘worthy’ user, it [DATA REMOVED: ADMINISTRATOR ACCESS REQUIRED] The criteria by which V-244 judges which users are ‘worthy’ are unknown. Following Incident V-244-A, Duchess Moran has politely requested that V-244 be placed under somepony else’s authority. Addendum V-244-1: Doctor Mavel requested use of V-165 to identify exactly what type of magic powers V-244. Request was denied. Note: V-244 is like nothing we’ve seen before, which means it’s probably on one of V-165’s higher settings. I’m not sure we’re ready to go that far yet. -Archduke Montagne Note: Not to mention, you’d have to be standing pretty far away to avoid having V-165 dissolve. Too much risk, not enough potential gain. -Viceroy Cooper Incident V-244-A: On [TIMESTAMP REDACTED], [EMPLOYEE NAME REDACTED] was involved in standard property testing on V-244. Suddenly, [EMPLOYEE NAME REDACTED] reported hearing V-244 speak, a phenomenon which had not occurred in previous property tests. [EMPLOYEE NAME REDACTED] was given permission to [ACTION REDACTED] as V-244 had requested, and [DATA REMOVED: ADMINISTRATOR ACCESS REQUIRED] Base [REDACTED] was almost entirely obliterated. Order losses were calculated to be [REDACTED], with civilian casualties estimated to be [REDACTED]. A cover story involving a large explosion in the town’s coal mine was disseminated, and has held thus far. V-372: A Standing MirrorItem Number: V-372 Designations: Unsolved, Contained Administrator: Lord Pendragon Lead Researcher: Agent Hartstrom Procedure: When V-372-1 is inactive, it is to be stored in the office of Lord Pendragon for normal use. When V-372-1 is about to enter an active phase, it is to be moved to Site 6 for containment, observation, and experimentation. Any information gained about V-372-2 during active-phase explorations is to be fully disclosed during the exploratory agent’s debriefing. If any agent is found to have been withholding information for any reason, they will be severely reprimanded. Following Incident V-372-C, all personnel are to be thoroughly screened for erotic proclivities towards hands, fingers, and other similar minotoid and draconoid physical features before being assigned to the V-372 research team. Note: The exit location of the gate notwithstanding, V-372 does not lead to a toybox, nor a playground. However much it may seem like only a perversion of our own world, remember that they would probably think the same of us if they ever came through the other way. -Lord Pendragon Description: V-372-1 is an ornate full-length mirror, approximately 8 feet in height when including the pedestal and upper ornamentation. The mirror itself is a 5-and-a-half foot tall oval, and seems to be made of glass backed by an unidentified reflective material - its apparent fragility has prevented heavier testing. It is edged by a horseshoe shape made of enchanted steel, which is decorated with stripes of silver filigree and 11 diamond-cut pink sapphires. Additional swirls of steel decorate the outer edge of the horseshoe, and additional upside-down horseshoe shapes adorn the lower tier of the pedestal. The bottom of the mirror is directly connected to the pedestal, giving the construction a gate-like appearance. V-372-2 is an alternate dimension to our own reality. For every sapient being that exists in our world, a counterpart exists in V-372-2. Other than that, very little else is known. Every thirty lunar cycles, two days before the full moon, V-372-1 enters an active phase which lasts for exactly three days. During this time, the surface of the mirror becomes pliable, and V-372-2 is able to be entered. Exploration on the other side during these periods has revealed the following properties: The exit location of V-372-1 is one of four (4) mirrors set into the pedestal of a statue, which resides in the courtyard of what appears to be some sort of young-adult educational facility. Thankfully, during the first active phase in which V-372-2 was explored, the facility was in an off season, allowing relatively unhindered access by our personnel. The local sapient race is bipedal and bibrachial, similar to minotaurs. Closer examination of their bone structure reveals a close relation to primates. The local sapient race speaks a language that is almost completely identical to common Ponnish. Any pony or griffon entering the portal takes on the form of the local sapient race. While in this form, they lose any extraordinary abilities their previous bodies may have had, in addition to obvious physical detriments. For instance, since the form of the local sapient race lacks wings, pegasi and griffons lose the ability to fly. Unicorns also lose the ability to use magic, though whether this is due to lack of a channeling structure in their body, or due to the world’s lack of a thaumic field, is still to be determined. Testing involving sending smaller-sized and non-sapient creatures through V-372-1 has produced wildly varying results. (See Testing Log 372-Alpha below) Testing involving enchanted or magically-sensitive inanimate objects has generally resulted in V-372-2 causing the disappearance or deactivation of any such properties. Permission is pending from Administration to attempt to use V-372 as a disposal system for hazardous artifacts, such as V-244. Note: Keep in mind that this is a whole world that we’re dealing with. Sure, things like quartz rods, spellbooks, and swords from the blacksmith down the street lose their auras, and that’s that, but with the V-series items, there are too many unknown factors. If something happened that we weren’t expecting, we’d be putting an entire reality in danger. I’m still not convinced that it’s worth the risk. -Viceroy Cooper Testing Log 372-Alpha: Each testing session is comprised of the tests performed within a three-day active period. Tests are denoted as follows: appearance in our world :: appearance in V-372-2 With additional comments following each entry, if necessary. Session One: rabbit :: rabbit ferret :: ferret flea :: flea This test was not purposeful, but has been catalogued regardless. Following it, stricter initial cleaning procedures were enforced for personnel involved in testing with V-372. mouse :: mouse toucan :: toucan Note: In the future, please ask permission before using your coworker’s pets for any kind of experimentation. -Agent Hartstrom fish :: fish sea turtle :: tortoise This was the first experiment that resulted in a changed form for a non-sentient creature. Beatrice, a cow that was serving as an assistant cook in the facility kitchens :: cow When sent through V-372-1, Beatrice appeared to lose all higher brain function. She could no longer speak, and did not seem to react to or recognize her name or any other speech. During a short period of observation, the only action she took was to walk slowly over to a nearby patch of grass and begin eating. She was eventually led back through V-372-1 by Order personnel. Once back in our world, she began screaming and thrashing uncontrollably, and was quickly sedated and transported to the facility sick-bay. Further testing with semi-sapients has been suspended indefinitely, pending a full review of the incident. End of Session One Session Two: Due to the non-magical nature of V-372-2, Dr. Menendez had acquired administrative permission to experiment on inherently magical creatures during this session. tortoise :: sea turtle This test was simply to confirm transformation symmetry from the previous session. Note: We’re not sure why turtles and tortoises become the other when they enter V-372-2. Either it’s an intentional feature, or some kind of dimensional error, but either way, there must be something important about them. Further research is recommended. -Dr. Menendez phoenix :: pile of ash While kept in V-372-2, the phoenix did not reincarnate within any normal timeframe. When brought back into our world, the ash again seemed to remain inactive. After approximately five hours, reincarnation finally occurred. However, it reincarnated into a hatchling. The hatchling had no apparent memories, and was imprinting upon Order personnel in a manner normal for hatchlings fresh from their eggs. This suggests that entry into V-372-2 reset the phoenix’s entire life cycle. The hatchling was given as a gift to Director Barton. isolated timber wolf core :: stick Inside of V-372-2, the core showed no unique or unusual properties, and no attraction towards other plant debris. When brought back into our world, the timber wolf was allowed to attempt to reassemble. While it was once again able to attract pieces to itself, it was no longer able to assemble or control any useful form. It is being held for further observation. basilisk :: statue of a basilisk The statue did not revert when returned to our world, and was placed into permanent storage. Following this test, further testing with magical creatures was deemed too potentially harmful, and all other planned tests were canceled. End of Session Two Session Three: Session Three is planned for the next active phase.
Thieves“Alright, I think we lost ‘em. We shouldn’t stay here for long, though.” “...” “What’s your name, kid?” “...My name?” “Yeah, your name.” “...Why?” “‘Cuz I wanna know the name of the pony that I just broke out of the most secure prison in Equestria.” “...Its Shift Key.” “Gaston. Pleasure to make your acquaintance.” “...” “Alright, don’t shake my claw. What d’you do, Shift?” “...Do?” “Yeah. Why did Linch hire me to get you out, and not any of his ten-dozen other buddies he has locked up in there? What makes you special?” “I’m... I’m a locksmith.” “A locksmith.” “Yeah.” “...A unicorn locksmith.” “...Yeah.” “Huh... that is unique. How good are you?” “...What?” “Are you good enough that it’s gonna be worth pissing off Linch to keep you?” “Um... well, do you remember a few months back, when the crown jewels of the Duke of Trottingham went missing?” “Yeah, that was all over the newspapers. You did that?” “I did that on a hangover.” Gaston woke, as he often did, to the sound of cursing. It had become a very common noise in the last few years - Shift Key tended to be rather profane when he was embroiled in his work, and when he was working, ‘embroiled’ was one of the only words that could properly describe his state of mind. Groggily, the griffon rolled onto his feet and stretched, rearing his haunches like a cat, and flaring his wings out as wide as he could. Standing up straight, he filled his lungs with the fresh mountain air, and let out a long, slow sigh of contentment. Spring was ramping into full gear. The deep, hard-packed snow of the winter was giving way to jagged rocks and patches of moss, grass and flowers, forging bravely into the season ahead. The smell of cold was tinted with the scents of life, and perfumed with the heady, butterscotch scent of the evergreens. He didn’t know why he loved mountains so much. Perhaps it was his species’ natural proclivity for height and cold. Perhaps it was his professional preference for silence, privacy, and a good view of his surroundings. Whatever the reason, Gaston always felt strangely at peace when he was looking down on hills and valleys, still dark under the shadows of their high and mighty brethren - brethren on which he himself stood, soaking in the first bright rays of dawn. “Damn it all to the Cocytan Wastes!” a voice yelled from below, completely ruining the moment. Gaston padded over to the edge of the cliff, and peered down. From here, he couldn’t see Shift Key, or the door that was giving the unicorn so much grief, but he could picture them in his mind. The door was a towering slab of plain, gray stone, with no handles, or keyholes, or even discernible edges. The only reason they knew it was a door at all was that when Shift had tried to unlock it the first time, it had refused to open. Not just not done anything - refused, as in ‘fired a bolt of magic that had nearly killed them both.’ After that, Shift had been more careful, and the incident hadn’t repeated itself. “How’s it going down there?” Gaston called, as if he even needed to ask. “It would be going faster if you didn’t keep interrupting me,” a disembodied voice answered. “See, I’d believe you if you hadn’t said the exact same thing five days ago.” Shift Key finally backed out from under the overhang and looked up at the griffon, shielding his eyes with one hoof. A motley assortment of wiry tools, magical-looking rods, and various shapes and colors of rocks floated idly around him, glowing yellow in his hold. In the griffon’s opinion, Shift looked more like an earth pony than a unicorn, especially since his black hair was so spiky and disheveled that it almost completely obscured his horn. The dirty earth-brown of his coat and the bags under his eyes didn’t help - although those may have just been the years of rough living and days of missed sleep showing through. “Hey, this door is tougher than I thought, alright?” he said, in the understatement of the century. Gaston widened his eyes in mock surprise. “No! Really?” “Okay, look at it this way - if there’s a door that’s locked up so tight that it takes me - me, Shift Key, the best magical locksmith in all of Equestria - an entire week to crack it? There’s gotta be something inside it, right?” “Or, it could be another dead end, like the last dozen goose-chases you’ve led me on!” “Hey, those were not goose-chases. Just because you’re not strong enough to take on five pegasi -” “Five centurions of the Cloudsdale Elite Guard!” “Whatever. That doesn’t mean that the Lance wasn’t worth going for. Besides,” Shift Key said, holding up a small, wooden box with two gauges on it’s face - one of the few of the unicorn’s tools with which Gaston was familiar, since it had originally been his. “You saw the reading on the thaumometer just as clearly as I did. You were pretty gung-ho about it then!” “Yeah, because I didn’t know that all it was pointing towards was a thrice-damned door that was gonna blow my head off!” “It’s gonna be worth it, alright? Trust me.” Gaston rubbed his temples with his claw. “You are nothing but trouble. One of these days, I’m gonna put you back in the cell where I found you.” “Go ahead,” the unicorn said with sudden seriousness. “I would have escaped eventually, even without your help.” The griffon laughed. “You? You have about as much chance of escaping Alcatrot alone as you have of walking into Tartarus!” “Hey,” Shift said, pointing a hoof warningly. “I could open the Adamantine Door, if I had enough time.” Gaston rolled his eyes. “And if someone killed the watchdog for you, first.” “Exactly!” Shift Key winked devilishly. “That’s what I keep you around for!” Before Gaston could get in the last word, Shift trotted back under the overhang and out of sight. The griffon groaned, and launched himself into the air. They would still need breakfast, no matter how much longer that idiot wanted to bang his head against that door. He returned an hour later, with three fish wriggling in his claws, to find ‘that idiot’ lying next to the dead campfire, with his hindlegs folded over each other and his back against a tree. A stalk of grass hung out of his mouth, which Gaston knew was not something that Shift actually enjoyed doing - it was simply for effect, to spite him. Despite himself, Gaston felt his heart race. “Given up?” he asked flatly, dumping the fish into his saddlebags. He had tried to shatter Shift’s ego before, but had found that it was usually much easier just to play along with his power trips. The unicorn grinned and looked up at him from under the brim of his hair. “Nope. Got it open.” “Oh yeah? How’d you do it?” Shift began to explain. “Well, first, it turned out that the fifth pin was actually the third pin, and the third pin was actually the seventeenth pin. Then I figured out that pins two, eight, and sixteen needed to be activated by an earth-pony energy signature, while pins six, seven, and nine needed a pegasus energy signature, so I rigged up some false sources, and -” “How’d you do it?” Gaston asked again, in exactly the same tone as before. He knew from experience that these descriptions could go on for hours longer than the operation had taken, and his impatience was getting the better of him. Shift scowled. “I did some magic and stuff,” he said, slowly, with venom in every word. “That’s what I like to hear,” said Gaston, completely unfazed. “Let’s go have a look.” They walked down the sloped path on the side of the cliff and stepped into the shadow of the overhang. The door had sunk down into the ground, leaving a large, perfectly rectangular hole nearly four times their height in the rock face. They peered in apprehensively. The tunnel that lay beyond was the same size, with smooth sides and clean-cut corners, sloping gently downward into the darkness. A cool breeze blew gently past them, like the breath of some sleeping behemoth. “Have you been inside yet?” Gaston asked. “Nah. I was waiting for you.” Gaston looked at him skeptically. “You should have gone in and hidden all the best stuff from me so you could come back to get it later, after turning me in for the bounty.” Shift smiled innocently. “What, and miss the chance to send you through first, to check for traps?” The griffon shook his head sadly. “One of these days, you’re gonna trust someone too much, and they’re gonna burn you.” “Yeah, but it’s not gonna be you, is it? Come on, in you get.” “Gimme some light, poker-face.” Shift lit his horn, illuminating a few more feet of the floor ahead. Gaston took a deep breath to steel himself, and gingerly set one claw over the threshold. Nothing happened. The griffon sighed in relief, and started down the path. Seeing that there were no traps, Shift quickly gathered his jumbles of tools and gizmos, shoved them hastily into his saddlebags, and trotted after his partner. As soon as he stepped over the threshold, he tripped over his own hooves, and fell flat on his face. Gaston jumped at the clatter of bags and hooves on stone, and spun around to look at the unicorn incredulously. “What’s the matter with you? The unicorn grimaced in pain. “Sorry, I just...” He slowly lifted himself into a sitting position, holding one hoof against the top of his head. “Ow, geez. It’s this place, there’s - ah, that’s thick. I wish you could feel it, it’s like... it’s like I’m underwater, like... butter.” He shook his head vigorously to clear it, then opened his saddlebag and floated out the thaumometer. Both gauges were completely unreadable. The needle that indicated the strength of the local thaum field had apparently broken out of its casing and crashed back in on the other side, while the gyroscopic compass, which was supposed to point towards the nearest concentration of magic power, was spinning uncontrollably. “...Wow.” Shift turned to look at the doorway. “There must be some kind of dampening field built in.” He glanced back at Gaston, and his patent ‘I-told-you-so’ smirk started to spread across his face. “Well,” said Gaston, stretching his beak into a forced grin. “Shall we go see what it is that’ll be paying for a new five-gauge thaumometer?” But Shift would not be so easily distracted, not even by the thought of new toys. “Only if you admit that I was right.” The griffon let his smile drop, and rolled his eyes. “Fine. You win. Let’s go.” They walked on into the darkness, the bright shape of the door growing smaller and smaller behind them. When it was no more than a white speck in the distance, the pair came to a flat, square landing, where the tunnel turned sharply to the left. They glanced at each other, then started downwards once more. Their last connection to the outside world winked out of sight, leaving them with nothing but a solitary circle of floor and wall, and the wavering ghost of a ceiling far above. They turned another such corner. And another. And another. The walls continued, cold and seamless. Shift shivered. “Geez, when I said to damn it to Cocytos, I didn’t actually want to go there.” As they came to the fifteenth landing, the tunnel stretching, as always, left and down into nothingness, Gaston suddenly stopped. Shift crashed into him, and fell backwards onto his tail. “Ow!” Shift rubbed his flank gingerly. “What was that for?” “Do you have any chalk?” Gaston asked, looking back at him. Shift blinked a few times at the question. “Any what?” “Chalk. Charcoal. Quill ink. Anything to write with.” “Oh. Um...” Shift flipped open his saddlebag and rummaged around. He produced a short, stubby cylinder of green chalk, and held it out. Gaston snatched it with a whip of his tail, tossed it forward into his claw, and put it against the wall. He wrote, in large, spindly letters, “HERE”. Shift eyed the word curiously. “What’s that for?” “Just checking something,” Gaston said, passing the stub back. “Come on, let’s go.” One, two, three more corners they turned, spiraling down into the depths. But then, something different happened. They came to a landing not like the others. The tunnel continued, as always, down and to the left, but where the walls of the other landings - and, in fact, the rest of the tunnel - had been smooth and blank, this one had a single word, written in large, spindly green letters, with what looked like chalk. It said, simply, “HERE”. “Wait...” said Shift, putting the pieces together. “We’re going around in circles?” “I knew it. I thrice-damned, feather-flipping knew it.” Gaston flicked his tail in annoyance. “But... but that’s impossible! We’ve been going down the whole time!” The griffon looked at his partner in disbelief. “Oh, come on - I thought you were the one that was supposed to figure out all the weird magic stuff.” “I do locks, not... whatever this is!” Gaston sighed, and pinched the bridge of his beak. “Just... think of it as a really big lock, or something.” Shift looked anxiously back and forth between the way ahead, and the way they had come. He wasn’t quite sure which was which anymore. “Alright,” he said, with more than a hint of uncertainty in his voice. “Alright, let’s... let’s see if we can get out, first.” They retraced their steps, walking up the slopes instead of down, turning corners back to the right. But one, two, three, four landings later, the word “HERE” loomed up out of the darkness. They picked up speed, but four landings after that, “HERE” appeared again, like a ghost that would haunt them for the rest of their accursed days. “Oh no,” Shift said, his voice breaking in panic. His hooves began to tremble up and down. “Oh no, oh no, oh no...” Gaston smacked the unicorn in the back of the head. “Don’t start freaking out now!” he yelled. “There has to be a way out of here. This is just another door.” Shift flinched, and rubbed his neck gingerly, but didn’t fight back. “Ok,” he said. “Ok, um...” He lifted off his saddlebags with a yellow glow and dumped the contents unceremoniously onto the floor. Rummaging through the piles with his hooves, he eventually floated out a single object - a short, plain-looking wooden rod, topped with a single quartz crystal. “Ok. Ok, let’s, uh...” He trailed off, forgetting to finish his sentence. Gaston watched as Shift began to inch forward along the inside wall. The rod floated with him, its wooden end resting firmly against the side of his horn, and the quartz tip hovering millimeters from the cold gray stone. It seemed to vibrate and twitch as he progressed, like a record needle following grooves in the air. One minute and fifteen feet later, Shift stopped. He took a small step backwards, then forwards again, as if feeling the air with his head. “There’s... there’s something...” He turned and waved his hoof beckoningly. “Chalk.” Gaston quickly found the stub in the mess on the floor, and tossed it to Shift. Shift caught it with a yellow shimmer, and made two marks on the wall: a short, vertical line, and an arrow pointing to the right. Then, he turned around, flipped the rod to his other side, and started back towards the landing. “What are you doing?” Gaston asked, genuinely curious. “I have an idea,” Shift replied as he came around the corner. Gaston watched the unicorn retreat slowly up the hallway, the circle of light travelling with him. He paused, and made a second set of marks, then continued. As he rounded the corner of the next landing, the light disappeared altogether. The seconds ticked by like molasses. There was no sound except for his own breathing, and no color except for black. He began to see shapes wavering in the darkness - dancing, taunting, prowling. Even though he knew they were only in his imagination, his pulse quickened, and he felt his chest grow tight. Minutes later, Shift came back around the corner, and Gaston let out an involuntary sigh of relief. The unicorn was still maintaining his slow, methodical pace along the wall, feeling with the rod for some unseen details. About halfway down the hall, he stopped, and turned to face the sheer grey stone. A puzzled look passed over his face. He jumped slightly to his left, and then took a large, purposeful sideways step to the right. Two large, straight cracks appeared in the wall, and the hidden door slid silently down into the floor. “Ha!” Gaston exclaimed, running up to meet the unicorn. “See? I knew you could do it.” “You were right,” Shift said, smiling. “It was a really big lock - a combination lock, just without numbers. Counter, clockwise, counter.” Together, they walked inside. The chamber was not very impressive. It was a small, confining rotunda - well, small by the standards of the hallway outside, anyway. Four torch sconces, all long empty, ringed the wall. The only other feature was a tall, sheer stone door, directly opposite the one through which they had entered. There were, again, no handles, but unlike the other two, this one had a clearly defined border. A long line of runes was inscribed around its edge, though what they meant, Gaston could only begin to guess. “What does it say?” Shift furrowed his brow. “These... I haven’t seen runes like these since I was expelled from the Academy. Uh...” He began to mutter incoherently under his breath, eyes running over the symbols. Occasionally, he would interrupt himself with a small shake of his head, and a “No...” or “That’s not right” or “Damn it” would slip from between his teeth. “...I think,” he began after a few minutes of this, “that it says ‘Let they who opened the door open themselves.’” Gaston stared at him blankly. “...Or, it says that aloe vera tastes great on pickles. But, that’s probably not it.” “‘Let they who...’” Gaston began to repeat, them shook his head vigorously. “What in the world is that even supposed to mean?” “Well... I’m the one who opened the door,” Shift said, thinking. “And... it probably doesn’t want me to cut myself open - at least, I hope not - so... I guess it wants me to... open up to it? Like, tell it about myself?” Gaston rolled his eyes. “Riiiight. Go ahead and tell the magical door your life story.” “Do you have any better ideas?” Gaston opened his beak to speak, then shut it again grudgingly. “...No.” “Well, alright then.” Shift faced back to the door, and cleared his throat. “Um... hello. Door.” Gaston sighed heavily, and sat back on his haunches. “Um... My name is Shift Key. I’m a unicorn. Locksmith. My cutie mark is a... well, you can see it right here.” He turned his flank towards the door, and looked it over. “Sort of a... keyring, except the ring is a... skull.” He paused. “It’s always seemed a bit morbid to me, to be honest.” Gaston planted his face in his claws. There was no way this was going to work. “Anyway,” Shift continued, straightening. “Um... I grew up in New Unicornia. I never knew my parents, because they’d dropped me off in an orphanage before I’d even opened my eyes. I, uh... I never had many friends. I spent most of my time... tinkering with things. Finding things that were broken, and figuring out why they were broken, and... fixing them, sometimes. “I must have been pretty good at it, I suppose, because the ponies that ran the orphanage noticed, and when I was eight, they managed to get me a preliminary scholarship to Central University. ...Never really made many friends there, either. The teachers were great, though. I studied math, and history, and basic magic theory. I was especially interested in magical mechanization - the creation and operation of magic-powered machines. I got to be pretty famous in the inter-dormitory prank wars. I don’t think the faculty will ever forget the incident with the self-replicating bottle openers.” He smiled a sad, remembering smile. Gaston watched his partner curiously. Shift had never told him about this part of his life before, and now, he was telling it to a door. “A few years passed, though, and it was coming to a time where my scholarship was going to run out. I would either need to become a part-time student and get a job, drop out completely, or find a sponsor. Someone who believed in me enough to pay my way through the rest of college, in exchange for a few years of service afterwards. It’s a pretty common practice, among the... less affluent. “Well, amazingly, I got a sponsor. Her name was Diamond Mist, and uh... she was my first real crush.” He chuckled, and blushed slightly. “Of course, at the time, I didn’t know that that wasn’t her real name, or that I wouldn’t actually be working for her. I was just infatuated with the idea of... what would I have even been doing for her? Fixing her pipes? Adjusting her chandeliers? Helping her live out her romantic fantasies?” Shift thought for a moment. “Looking back on it, I was pretty stupid when I was young. No, scratch that - I’m still pretty stupid.” “You got that right,” Gaston wanted to interject, but found that he couldn’t bring himself to. Shift forged on. “Anyway. I finished school, graduated with a few honors that nopony who actually pays attention to honors would give a flying feather about, and got ready to be Diamond Mist’s personal mechanic for a few years. Then I found out that she was just a lackey - a recruiter, as it were - and that she had officially transferred ownership of my indentured servitude to a stallion that... well, to be honest, I had only ever heard stories about. “Linch Pin - King of the Equestrian Underworld. A pony that dresses so sharply that he cuts his bread with his cufflinks. He has a hoof in every shadow, and a shadow in every house. And he had a very... different idea about how to utilize my skills. “My ‘test run’ was cracking the safe-box of a small-town grocer. He hadn’t been paying his dues, and needed to be ‘taught a lesson’. I got my cutie mark a week later, breaking open the vault of a branch of the Central Equestrian Bank in Whinnyapolis. I’ll be honest - when that mark appeared, it really made me believe that that was what I was supposed to be doing. Thieving, robbing - opening doors that weren’t supposed to be opened. “A year or so later, there was a... jewelry store in Manehattan. They were supposedly holding on to a collection of priceless Saddle Arabian artifacts for the Manetropolitan Museum. Turned out the whole thing was a setup by the Royal Guard, just to catch me. Which is... flattering, I guess. It worked. I got carted off to Alcatrot, smacked with a life sentence. A few weeks of rotting later, they came back and offered me a deal: I could stay in prison for the rest of my days, or I could give them every scrap of information I had on Linch Pin and his networks, in exchange for a commuted sentence - possibly even a job, if my info was good enough. “I accepted, of course. I was young, I was scared - I hadn’t even wanted to be a criminal in the first place. But then...” Shift turned to look at Gaston, chuckling slightly, a strange, goofy grin plastered across his face. “But then, the day before my hearing, this... thrice-damned, galavanting griffon comes in, busts my flank out of jail, and ruins... everything!” He burst out laughing, forcing the rest of his words out between bouts of giggles. “So - so now, Linch hates Gaston because he didn’t bring me back, and the Guard hates Gaston because he broke a prisoner out of their top joint like taking candy from a foal, and Linch hates me because his moles in the Guard found out I was gonna squeal, and the Guard hates me because they think I’m back with Linch!” His laughter escalated maniacally, echoing down the dark stone corridors. His head bucked backwards with every gasp of breath, threatening to topple the unicorn like a tower of blocks. The light from his horn flickered like a flame in the wind. Gaston watched with a mixture of shared amusement and extreme worry. He had never really thought about their situation that way, but, in his opinion, Shift was finding it far funnier than seemed healthy. Slowly, the unicorn petered out, his last few guffaws spluttering like an engine out of oil. He wiped the mirthful tears from his eyes with one hoof, and took a deep, blissful breath. “Yup,” he said eventually. “Everyone hates us, and we only have each other. But you know what?” He looked back up at the door. “I don’t mind.” Gaston’s eyes widened in surprise. What? Shift didn’t seem to notice, and continued. “Sure, he can be a bit of a bastard, sometimes - but so can I. I know that. And sometimes, he makes me feel like less than a fly on a cow patty, but... sometimes I need that. Besides -” He turned to look at the griffon once again, smiling peacefully, his eyes shimmering. “I can always get back at him.” Gaston sat speechless and open-beaked, staring in amazement. “We try to stay on the straight and narrow - well, on the less-curved and thinner, anyway. But the truth is, I would do anything for him. And... maybe it’s naive, but... I like to think he’d do the same for me. He’s like the... brother... father... uncle-thing that I never had. And... I don’t know what I’d do without him.” There was awkward silence as Shift and Gaston stared at each other, and it seemed like something else should really have been happening - like, for instance, a nearby door opening dramatically - but nothing did. Eventually, Shift turned back to the door, and cleared his throat. “Yeah,” he said. “That’s about it.” A few more seconds ticked past, but the door remained obstinately inactive. Shift let out a deep breath, and plopped down onto the floor. “Well,” he said. “That was therapeutic.” “No bucking kidding!” Gaston exclaimed, speaking for the first time in minutes. “Hey!” Shift frowned at him. “Language!” “I’ll curse at you all I want, you sad sack of dingo-dung! What am I, your secret lover, or something?” Shift opened his mouth to retort, but found himself chuckling instead. “It did sound like that, didn’t it?” he asked, covering his mouth with the back of one hoof, an embarrassed smile coloring his cheeks. “You’re bucking right, it did!” Gaston said, his own grin widening. For a few moments, they both just laughed at each other - and it was the happiest either of them had ever been. “You know what?” Shift asked. “I don’t even care about what’s behind there anymore. This - just this was worth coming for.” “Oh, stuff it, you sappy mule-wife.” Suddenly, the runes around the door glowed bright blue. Unicorn and griffon watched as a single, large symbol appeared, etched in light in the center of the door. Then, the stone split in two, and the halves slid to the sides, revealing the darkness beyond. “...What did that say?” Gaston asked. “Um... ‘Pure’, I think.” “Huh. A door that you have to not want to open to open.” “Tricky bastards,” Shift murmured, rising to his hooves. The door led into a large, circular room - at least, they assumed it was circular, because what they could see of the walls curved slightly before leaving their pool of light. They stood on a platform, about ten feet square, that jutted out from the wall. Below them was nothing but a dark and empty void. “How deep is that?” Gaston wondered aloud. Shift looked around for loose rocks or rubble, but there were none to be found. Wordlessly, he tossed his quartz-tipped rod out over the edge. They both twisted their heads to listen for it hitting the bottom. ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... “Damn,” Gaston said, impressed. Shift turned around, and noticed small, crystalline shapes - half-spheres - jutting out of the wall every few feet. They looked very similar to the sort of prismatic lighting used in the more high-end mansions of Unicornia. Light wasn’t his specialty, but he charged up a feeble bolt anyway, and fired it at the nearest crystal. The bolt bounced into the sphere, and to his amazement, it stuck inside. A feeble glow began to emanate from it, supplementing his horn’s own light. A few more feet of wall became visible, and with it, a few more of the spheres. He fired another bolt, and another, working his way along the wall. Then, about a dozen spheres later, they began to light themselves. Slowly, at first, like a fuse or a candle wick - but soon, light was spreading like wildfire. The orbs winked into life all along the wall, circling back around to the other side of the platform. The chamber looked to be fifty paces across, at least. Then, orbs began to light on the levels below. Gaston and Shift Key watched as the room came to life. Pathways began to flicker into existence - one, then three, then twenty - circle upon circle upon circle, extending down into the depths. Along each pathway, spaced between the orbs of light, were dozens and dozens of doors, each one open to a room. Through the closer archways, they could see things - things on pedestals, platforms, and floors - dark things, shiny things, large things, small things - but unquestionably, valuable things. They looked and each other, and smiled. “Shift,” Gaston said. “Go get the rope.”
Preliminary ReportCopied from the archives of the Order of the Iron Star Preliminary Report: “The Vault” Case Agent: Shelly Farthing July 5th, 374 A.E. The site now dubbed as “The Vault” is located inside Mt. Bucktooth, in the western half of the Unicorn Range. The interior appears to be hoof-made, but the stone is completely seamless, and there are no imperfections that could normally be associated with hoof-carved tunnels. It is currently unknown who or what constructed the Vault. The components of the Vault are as follows: 1. “The Door” The Door lies under an overhang near the peak of the mountain. It measures approximately 17 feet high by 11 feet wide. When closed, the Door is indistinguishable from the rock face. The Door has a complex magical locking mechanism, and when this mechanism is tripped incorrectly, the Door retaliates with a bolt of magical energy. When unlocked properly, the Door slides down into the ground. It cannot be closed manually from the outside. There appears to be a mechanism for closing the Door from the inside, but researchers have so far been unable to crack it. For now, the Door only shuts itself automatically when at least one (1) being has entered and exited, and even then will not close if any other beings remain inside. 2. “The Lock” The Lock is a circular segment of tunnels, measuring 17 feet high by 11 feet wide. These tunnels are comprised of long, descending sections, connected at 90-degree angles by square landings which measure 11 by 11 feet. The first two segments of tunnel from the door are not part of the Lock. The Lock begins once a being has passed the second landing. At this point, they are trapped in the Lock, and will remain in the same connecting set of four (4) tunnels and four (4) landings, no matter how long they travel, or in which direction, until such a time as the Lock is unlocked. The spatial impossibility that this presents is currently under investigation. The Lock appears to be able to distinguish between beings working together, and beings that are separate. Groups of beings will remain within the same instance of the Lock, even if they enter at vast intervals, currently known to be at least up to one hour apart from each other. However, when a being or group that designates itself as “separate” from a being or group already in the Lock enters, the being(s)/group(s) will be unable to see, hear, or make physical contact with each other. It appears that the Vault creates extra instances of the Lock for additional groups/beings. The effect of the Lock ends when the correct route is walked, and the door to the Keyhole is opened. Following the events of Incident 03 and the disappearance of Agent Pendergast, no more than five (5) beings are allowed to enter the Vault at any one time, and these beings are required to be on very good terms with each other. As a safety precaution, all agents are advised to mentally identify themselves as Loyal Servants of the Three Crowns when entering the Lock, in order to prevent future incidents. 3. “The Keyhole” The Keyhole is a small, cylindrical, dome-roofed room, 22) feet in diameter. The only features are two doors, 17 feet high by 11 feet wide, directly opposite from each other. One leads into the room from the Lock - the other exits into the Core. The door to the Core is lined with a sentence of runes. These runes have been identified as the same language used in many ancient texts with unidentified authors. The runes read, approximately, “Let they who opened the door open themselves.” Interestingly, it is not actually necessary for the being who opened the Door to be present in order for the Keyhole to be passed through. After several tests, the door has shown itself to be semi-sentient. It will only open if it judges the being/beings before it to be “pure.” The easiest way to do this appears to be to convince the door that you have no desire to actually open it or take anything from within. If the door deems that a being is worthy, the rune for “pure” will appear on the door, and it will open. Following the events of Incident 02, indentured criminals and other beings that could be considered “impure” are no longer to be used for any activity within the vicinity of the Vault. 4. “The Core” The Core is an open-centered cylindrical chamber that measures 110 feet in diameter by 385 feet high. It has thirty-five (35) levels, including the ground floor, but not including the entry platform. Each level is comprised of a circular ledge which extends out from the wall 11 feet. Each level has a certain number of openings spaced evenly around the circumference of the chamber, leading into rooms of various sizes. These rooms contain a variety of pedestals, platforms, mannequins, and, in some cases, pools for holding various objects. These rooms are always perfectly cubical and never intersect with each other, even when they should, either logically, mathematically, or spatially. Attempts to tunnel through the walls and floor between adjoining rooms have thus far failed. At the time when the Vault was opened by the Order, only [REDACTED] objects remained in their chambers. >Levels 1-11 each have thirty-three (33) openings, each leading into a room measuring 11 by 11 by 11 feet. >Levels 12-22 each have twenty-two (22) openings, each leading into a room measuring 22 by 22 by 22 feet. >Levels 23-33 each have eleven (11) openings, each leading into a room measuring 33 by 33 by 33 feet. These rooms appear to have never been designated for any objects. >Level 34 has seven (7) openings, each leading into a room measuring 77 by 77 by 77 feet. These rooms appear to have never been designated for any objects. >Level 35, the bottom level, has three (3) openings, each leading into a room 121 by 121 by 121 feet. These rooms appear to have never been designated for any objects. On the floor, in the center of the main Core chamber, is a large stone statue, approximately 11 feet high, that appears to have once held six (6) unidentified spheres, with five of the holders evenly surrounding a sixth, higher one. The purpose of this statue is yet to be determined. The Vault was discovered by the Order when a series of powerful artifacts surfaced, both on the black market and in various illegal activities. The origin of these artifacts was traced back to an abandoned warehouse in Whinnyapolis. When it was raided, the wanted criminals Shift Key and Gaston Molyneux were captured, along with several of the remaining unsold artifacts. They revealed the source of their items to be the Vault, and gladly told Order agents its location, and instructed them in the operation of the Vault’s components. The Misters Key and Molyneux are currently being held as indentured consultants until such a time as the known remaining artifacts are captured. The current known items will be detailed in further reports. Case Update 1: September 2nd, 374 A.E. Shift Key and Gaston Molyneux have been indispensably helpful in locating many of the more troublesome artifacts thus far. As such, Viscount Monroe and Viceroy Cooper have scheduled a hearing to discuss their upgrade to paid consultants. However, it is the opinion of Case Agent Farthing that the pair should not be allowed any such freedoms. She would like to remind any Order members voting at the hearing that Shift Key and Gaston Molyneux have still never revealed where the profits from their original black-market auctions are being kept, and thus, are not to be trusted. Case Update 2: October 1st, 374. A.E. Shift Key and Gaston Molyneux were granted paid consultant status by a vote of 7 for and 4 against. Case Update 3: November 11th, 374 A.E. Shift Key and Gaston Molyneux escaped from their quarters in the Order base in New Unicornia. The means through which they did so are currently under investigation, but they appear to involve a security guard that gave them more basic supplies than he was authorized to. Their current whereabouts are unknown. Case Agent Farthing would like to advise any Order agents studying this case in the future to remember that criminals are criminals, no matter how charming and helpful they may be. Author's Note I've always wanted to try writing something in an SCP Foundation style, and this story seemed like the perfect opportunity to do it. I'll be updating this story every once in a while with reports on various artifacts, like the Alicorn Amulet, and that history-recording crystal shard that Celestia had in S3E1. If you've never heard of the Secure Containment Protocols Foundation, I highly recommend that you go check it out. It is the greatest collection of sentient computers, clockwork diseases, and threats to humankind ever assembled. It's like the repository for all those ideas that the writers of X-Files and Fringe looked at and went "Whoa, no, we can't do that. That's just crazy." The way in which the articles are written is simply engrossing, and the stories that go along with them are fantastic. There are layers, upon layers, upon layers - and the deeper you go, the less you want to leave. That, and the J-series SCPs are just downright hilarious. Set aside a few hours, at least - it's as bad as TVTropes. Maybe even worse.
V-27: A Rowanwood HourglassItem Number: V-27 Designations: Useful, Dangerous, Contained Administrator: Vicereine Trilby Lead Researcher: Doctor Raleigh Procedure: V-27 is to be kept in a small, unmarked crate in Warehouse 4. No additional security measures should be necessary at this time. Description: V-27 is a small hourglass, approximately 3 inches in diameter and 5 inches tall. It appears to be made of glass and carved rowan wood, but has proven itself to be more resilient than those materials should normally be. Despite its mundane appearance, thaumaturgical mapping shows that an incredibly high amount of thaum flux constantly surrounds the object. Unlike other flux-generating objects, the flux surrounding V-27 has no noticeable effect on its surroundings. V-27 behaves like a normal hourglass whenever it is flipped or turned by non-magical means. When it was first captured by the Order, V-27 contained approximately 7,900 fine grains of sand, and measured a consistent time period of five minutes, fifty-three seconds (5:53). Currently, V-27 contains approximately 6,000 grains of sand, and measures a period of four minutes, twenty-seven seconds (4:27). The anomalous properties of V-27 appear to become active when the object is turned over by magic - however, the activation of V-27 has never been successfully observed. In each of three attempts, the test subject that was slated to attempt activation of V-27 has had it suddenly appear in their possession several minutes before the test was scheduled to occur. The subjects were each disoriented, and had vague memories of events that were going to happen within the next few minutes. The hourglass appears to lose some sand each time this occurs. It is theorized that [REDACTED] Following Incident V-27-A, V-27 has been deemed too dangerous for Order use, and has been scheduled for transfer to secure storage. Experiment Log: Test 1: An earth pony subject is given a variety of basic tools, and told to experiment with V-27. After 15 minutes, nothing of note has occured. Test 2: A pegasus subject is given a variety of basic tools, and told to experiment with V-27. After flipping it over a few times, the subject appears to lose interest in basic experimentation. He takes a hammer and begins to beat on V-27. The subject is quickly removed from the test area, and V-27 is inspected for damage. Interestingly, there are no marks anywhere on the object. Test 3: Cancelled. Planned subject was a unicorn. Approximately 5 minutes and 52 seconds before the test was scheduled to occur, V-27 disappeared from the testing chamber and reappeared in the possession of the subject. Subject quoted as saying “Whoa... that felt weird.” Interviews revealed that the subject remembered experimenting with V-27, but couldn’t quite remember what had caused the anomaly. Future testing to focus on V-27’s response to magic, based on the first occurrence of this anomaly being with a unicorn. Test 4: Cancelled. Planned subject was a unicorn, told beforehoof to experiment on V-27 using only her magic. Approximately 5 minutes and 52 seconds before test was scheduled to occur, V-27 once again displaced itself into her possession. Subject clearly recalled witnessing a minor laboratory fire in Room 119 on her way to the testing chamber. 2 minutes and 33 seconds later, the “remembered” event occurred. Examination of V-27 revealed that the object contained slightly less sand than it had at time of capture. Test 5: Cancelled. Planned subject was a unicorn. Test was designed to confirm loss of sand upon occurrence of anomaly. Anomaly occurred approximately 5 minutes and 51 seconds prior to test; loss of sand confirmed. Incident Report: V-27-A At 3:29 PM on January 4th, 375 A.E., Vicereine Trilby burst out of her office in a panic. V-27 was in her possession. She began ordering every worker and agent in sight to barricade the front entrance of the building, and move to their defensive stations. It has been calculated that during the following 67 seconds, she took a path through the building that brought her into vocal contact with the highest amount of other ponies possible. Many of the involved employees attempted to question Trilby, but she reportedly answered every one of their questions before they could ask them. At 3:30 PM, a large, hostile force, later identified as Linch Pin’s “Wrecking Crew”, began breaking down the main doors. The strike would have been devastating under any other circumstances - however, due to the last-minute preparations instigated by Vicereine Trilby, there were zero friendly losses, and nearly half of the opposing force was incapacitated or captured. Post-incident examination of V-27 revealed that it held significantly less sand than it had at the end of Test 5. Based on previous sand losses, it is estimated that Vicereine Trilby was forced to use V-27 [REDACTED] times before the desired outcome was achieved. Trilby herself admitted that she lost count at 20. According to her report, once the anomaly has occurred, V-27 cannot be activated again until its activation would not create the anomaly any earlier than the previous occurrence. A review board found the Vicereine’s unauthorized use of the object justified under the circumstances. Following the incident, Base [REDACTED] has been shut down, and all contained documentation and artifacts have been transferred to other sites. V-27 has been moved to Warehouse 4.
V-58: A Heart of StoneItem Number: V-58 Designations: Dangerous, Harmful, Contained Administrator: Marquess Lemke Lead Researcher: Agent Markovsky Vault Correspondent: Doctor Ishtar Note: Who the [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] gave this thing to Lemke? I swear, if she tries to sneak that [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] into my coffee one more time, I’m going to call a [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] review board on her [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] before she can say [EXPLETIVE REACTED]. -Archduke Montagne Note: Just trying to keep you on your hooves, Dukey. -Marquess Lemke Procedure: V-58 is to be kept in a runewrought, reinforced, acid-resistant glass tank in the basement of Base [REDACTED]. This tank is to be filled with purified seawater at a pressure of at least 50 PSI. The water is only to be drained if it has experienced significant clouding, subject to the discretion of Agent Markovsky. Draining is not to occur at any other time. If the blood of V-58 has been requested for testing, the requesters in question will be notified at least 16 hours ahead of draining so they can be on-hoof to perform collection. The tubes that connect the various chambers of V-58 together are to be replaced every draining, regardless of structural integrity. Replacement of the tank’s panels is on an as-needed basis, subject to the discretion of Agent Markovsky. Any spillage occurring during standard replacement procedures is to be swept up with fresh rowan branches and burned as quickly as possible. In the event that both the tubes and tank of V-58 break, and the resulting spillage is too great to be contained normally, Base [REDACTED] is to be locked down until a properly equipped recovery team can be mobilized. Anyone who hears V-58 speak to them should report it immediately. Anyone found conversing with V-58 without permission may be subject to reassignment or termination, pending a full psychological review. Description: V-58 appears to be a large heart, approximately 2 feet in diameter. Its appearance is consistent with a heart that has been ripped out of a chest, not surgically removed. V-58 does not appear to be made of muscle - instead, it’s texture and color are similar to hardened magmatic rock. Acquiring samples has proven difficult, due to the toughness of V-58’s flesh, and the damage its blood does to our tools. V-58 beats and pumps out blood as though it were inside a body. How it does this and where the blood comes from is unknown, but it does not appear to run out. Using artificial devices to transport the outgoing blood back into V-58’s correct ingoing valves has been shown to result in the blood’s disappearance. As such, acid-resistant tubes are being used to simulate V-58’s primary arteries and veins. V-58 normally beats at a rate of approximately 23 beats per minute. This rate has been slowed significantly by the high-pressure environment it is currently held in, to approximately 4 beats per minute. The blood which V-58 produces is a semi-viscous reddish-black liquid. It is highly poisonous, toxic, and acidic, and measures a temperature of approximately 750 degrees Marenheit upon immediately exiting V-58. Through what little testing has been accomplished, it has been shown to have properties and composition similar to several different materials, including magma, hydrochloric acid, and the blood of cold-blooded creatures such as lizards and snakes. The full list of identified components can be found in the Base-Level Administrative Library. V-58 has been reported by several personnel as speaking to them - however, no personnel other than the ones being spoken to have been able to hear it. Affected personnel have consistently described V-58’s voice as deep and gravelly, but most definitely female. When asked what exactly V-58 said to them, the response is generally that it was too horrible to talk about, followed by a request to be given a different assignment. There has only been one outstanding case (see Incident V-58-A). No discernible pattern has emerged in the types of subjects that V-58 talks to. Agent Markovsky has suggested that the staff overseeing V-58 be rotated regularly to provide a larger experimental sample - this suggestion is pending acceptance by Administration. Security measures around V-58 have been increased following Incident V-58-A. Addendum V-58-1: V-58 was one of the few objects that was still in its assigned chamber when the Order first opened the Vault. There, it was held in a shallow stone pool that appeared to constantly absorb its blood. Research into how this previous containment functioned is led by Doctor Ishtar of the Vault Research Team. Incident V-58-A: Note: This incident occurred before the tube system for V-58 had been implemented. -Agent Markovsky On [TIMESTAMP REDACTED], Coal Cell, an indentured criminal working at the Base where V-58 is kept, is reported to have suddenly stopped in the hallway on his way to a test of V-[REDACTED]. He stood still for several moments, as though listening to something, then immediately turned and made his way downstairs. He came to stand in front of the observation window of V-58’s chamber, and began to converse with V-58. Personnel witnessing the incident report that Mr. Cell was not speaking any language that they had ever heard. After a few seconds, V-58 began to beat at a highly accelerated rate, estimated to be almost 45 beats per minute. The massive shift in pressure caused a breach in V-58’s tank. The blood spill resulting from the breach claimed the lives of two (2) junior researchers who had been inspecting the tank for damage. Mr. Cell began to laugh uncontrollably, and continued to laugh and watch through the window as emergency protocols were enacted and the incident was contained. When later interrogated about the event, Mr. Cell would only smile and say “Ask her about it, why don’t you.”
V-66: A Silver and Ruby AmuletItem Number: V-66 Designations: Dangerous, Harmful, Uncontained Administrator: Viscount Monroe Operation Commander: Agent Pollet Procedure: V-66 is to be found and contained as soon as possible. Viscount Monroe has been given full authorization to pull as many personnel from other projects as he deems necessary for the completion of this task. Lethal force has been authorized against any pony wearing V-66. Description: V-66 is a silver amulet, inlaid with sixteen (16) rubies. The main body of the amulet is a large triangle, which holds the largest, central ruby - an 85-carat flattened diamond-cut measuring almost 4 inches in length. At the top of this triangle are three adornments. The central adornment appears to be a side profile of a unicorn head, with another small ruby forming the eye. On each side of this head is a long, feathery wing, spread to extend V-66’s triangular shape. Each wing has seven (7) more rectangle-cut rubies of decreasing lengths inlaid along their inside edges. V-66 has no chain or clasp as one might expect such an amulet to have. Instead, when V-66 is placed against a pony’s neck, the wing adornments animate, curling around the neck to hold itself in place. If the pony in question is large, and the wings cannot properly encompass their neck, V-66 will still be able to hold itself firmly. These effects have been observed on earth ponies and unicorns, so it is assumed V-66 would function for pegasi as well. V-66 has not been seen to function on other species. Once V-66 has been placed onto a pony’s neck, it cannot be removed by any being except the wearer. The limits of this connection have not yet been tested, but attempts to remove V-66 in the field have included magic, griffon claws, and crowbars. [Update: See Addendum V-66-1] V-66 has two known effects. The first effect only appears to manifest when V-66 is worn by a unicorn. The color of the unicorn’s magic will become a vivid red, and their level of power will increase dramatically. They will be able to perform spells that would normally only be castable by mages of a much higher tier, and will be able to do so with barely any apparent effort. The method through which this empowerment is accomplished is unknown. The second effect of V-66 manifests slowly, over time. Once any kind of pony has begun wearing V-66, they will gradually begin to exhibit a variety of symptoms, including: A desire not to remove V-66 Irritability Mild sadism The irises flashing red when extremely emotional A marked increase in the frequency and intensity of their emotional outbursts Debilitating fear and paranoia, often involving harmless and/or inanimate objects A superiority complex If V-66 is removed within a few weeks of clasping, these effects will eventually subside and disappear. However, if V-66 is worn for approximately one month, they appear to become permanent, and additional symptoms occur, including: A drastic decrease in the frequency and intensity of any display of emotion whatsoever The exacerbation of their previous paranoias, as well as new additions Split personality disorder Extreme sadism The fur of the wearer becoming black The irises of the wearer becoming red The mane and tail of the wearer becoming white A defined increase in the physical strength and musculature of the wearer The desire to be referred to as “My King”, “My Liege”, or “sir”, even if the wearer is female The intense desire for dominion over whatever groups or organizations the wearer considers themselves to be a part of. If this is achieved, the wearer will then begin to seek out other groups to conquer, and add to its “brotherhood” The delivery of disproportionate punishments whenever the wearer feels they have been slighted, disrespected, or disobeyed A notable increase in the wearer’s intelligence and leadership ability An extreme increase in the loyalty and unquestioning obedience of the wearer’s subordinates (This is most likely a secondary effect of V-66’s changes on the wearer, and not an effect of V-66 itself.) The empowering nature of V-66, combined with the effects it has on the ponies who wear it, makes V-66 a top priority for recovery above almost any other V-series items. ~~V-66 is currently in the possession of Linch Pin’s Manehattan lieutenant, Pool Shark.~~ The location of V-66 is currently unknown. See Addendum V-66-1. Addendum V-66-1: For a period of approximately five weeks, V-66 was in the possession of Pool Shark, then-Manehattan lieutenant of Linch Pin. It should be noted that Pool Shark was an earth pony, and thus did not have the benefits of V-66’s primary effect. During this time, the organization and effectiveness of Pool Shark’s forces in Manehattan, as well as the strategic prowess she displayed in their deployment, was difficult for the Order to counter and combat. [REDACTED] safehouses were compromised, and [REDACTED] artifacts were lost. This period ended abruptly, for no reason known to the Order at the time. Investigation revealed that Pool Shark had attempted to assassinate Linch Pin and usurp control of Pin’s organizations. She had apparently failed. The body was found a few days later by a kelp-trawling ship off the Manehattan coast. Other than rot, mild wildlife damage, and several stab wounds, the body was entirely intact. Interestingly, the body seemed to exhibit early stages of the growth of [REDACTED], a [REDACTED], and a [REDACTED], despite the fact that Pool Shark was a female earth pony. However, the body was no longer wearing V-66. Due to these events, it is thought that it is possible to remove V-66 once the wearer is dead. As such, lethal force is fully authorized against future wearers that appear.
V-83: Quicksilver HorseshoesItem Number: V-83 Designations: Useful, Cautionary, Contained Administrator: Lady Alexandra Lead Researcher: Agent Braydon Procedure: When not in use, V-83 is to be kept in a vacuum-sealed container in the Emergency Equipment Vault of Base [REDACTED], Locker 12. Access to the EEV requires two (2) Administrator-Level keystones. Access to Locker 12 requires the keystone of Agent Braydon, who will maintain a log of the time all personnel have spent wearing V-83, and monitor all experiments involving V-83. V-83 is not to be worn by any single pony for more than 4 hours within any period of 7 days, and no more than 10 hours per month. Note: Unless otherwise approved by myself or Agent Braydon, future research on V-83 is to focus solely on how we can replicate its primary effect without the secondary effects. We already know what it does, we just need to know how to do it. This kind of device would be indispensably useful, especially for our earth ponies and unicorns. -Lady Alexandra Description: V-83 is a set of four (4) ornamental horseshoes, similar in style to the shoes from suits of old-style ritual Pegasopolan armor. Visually, they appear to be made out of pure mercury, but it has proven impossible to collect samples. Tools, magic, and other inorganic materials pass through V-83 as though they were liquid. Any “drops” drawn away from the material of V-83 will gravitate back towards the shoe they were taken from. It these drops encounter high resistance to their flow, such as being contained in a beaker, they will break, melt, and/or drill their way through any resisting materials. Tested materials include glass, wood, hooves, and 2-inch reinforced steel plating. Similarly, if any shoe is moved more than 10 feet away from any other shoe, it will lose its shape and attempt to “flow” back towards the other shoes, reforming itself once it is within 2 feet of any other shoe. When V-83 is worn, it is possible for the wearer to “step” on liquids and gases as though they were solid surfaces. This effect manifests itself as though there were invisible slopes, stairs, walls, or platforms wherever the wearer desires them to be. However, these objects will not manifest or change themselves if it would have the possibility to cause harm to the wearer (i.e. creating a sheer cliff in the wearer’s path while they are standing several feet off of the ground). V-83 does not appear to take the skills and proficiencies (i.e. training in safe falling, wings) of the wearer into account, and operates on its own consistent set of “safety rules”. It has been observed that even when the wearer appears to be standing “on solid ground”, V-83 never actually makes contact with the floor, but rests on an extremely thin cushion of air. If the wearer is not moving, they can be easily pushed, pulled, or turned. However, if the wearer is actively desiring to stay still, V-83 has an indeterminately high coefficient of friction. Due to the fact that V-83 only reacts with living beings, it has proven unreasonably dangerous to our personnel to test the upper limits of its hold. The long-term effects of wearing V-83 appear to be consistent with regular mercury poisoning, though at a highly accelerated rate compared to regular dermal absorption. As such, time spent wearing V-83 is to be strictly monitored and limited.
V-90: A Small Metal KeyItem Number: V-90 Designations: Unsolved, Harmless, Contained Administrator: Director Barton Lead Researcher: Director Barton Procedure: V-90 is to be kept on a magically-reinforced leather strap around Director Barton’s neck. It is only to be removed if a viable matching lock for V-90 is found, and only then with the permission of the Director and two (2) other members of Administration. Note: We need to figure out what V-90 goes to. It might only be some demi-god’s personal locker, but there’s also the chance that it goes to some kind of secondary Vault. As such, I’m giving this project top priority. All agents and personnel, in addition to their current assigned tasks, are required to read all information related to V-90. That includes studying the pattern map. You look at those lines, and you look at them good. If you see anything like them out in the field, or find something that seems to be made of the same kind of metal, don’t submit it through the usual channels. Bring it straight back to me. I’ll even fill out the paperwork for you afterwards. -Director Barton Description: V-90 is a small key, approximately 2.5 inches in length. It appears to be made of bronze or a similar alloy, but no tool or method has been able to remove scrapings for testing. V-90 has proven incredibly resistant to any attempt to bend, melt, or otherwise damage it. V-90 has no apparent physical “teeth”, as normal keys do. To the naked eye, V-90 appears to be a small bronze rod with a handle at one end. However, thaumaturgical mapping shows that V-90 constantly projects a massive cone of energy down its shaft, measuring approximately 15 yards long, and 7 yards across at its end-point. This cone is not a solid projection, but is comprised of approximately nineteen (19) “tendrils” of energy, which curl, split, and branch off in a variety of recurring patterns resembling no known magical locking systems. The detail of this pattern is so small as to be almost undetectable - as such, full mapping of the pattern has been cancelled. The incomplete mapping is available on request from the Order archives. Addendum V-90-1: Agent Martinez requested use of V-165 to attempt to complete the pattern map. Request was granted by Archduke Montagne. Note: There might be something in there if you look deep enough, but we don’t know how deep this thing goes. If it takes longer than three months, I’m putting Martinez back in the field. -Director Barton
V-165: A Silver-Rimmed LensItem Number: V-165 Designations: Useful, Unsolved, Cautionary, Contained Administrator: Archduke Montagne Lead Researcher: Agent Lee Procedure: When not in use, V-165 is to be kept in a velvet-lined box in the safe of Archduke Montagne’s office. To request use of V-165 for testing, please submit the proper forms to Under-Secretary Haasburg. Note: I would like to state for the record that V-165’s ability to see through walls is entirely rumor, and that personnel who are found to be requisitioning V-165 for the sole purpose of spying on the locker rooms will be reprimanded severely. -Archduke Montagne Description: V-165 is a lens approximately 4 inches in diameter. It is made entirely out of smooth, polished quartz crystal, and is rimmed by two (2) thin bands of silver, each of which has a small, sphere-shaped nodule. Unlike other V-series items, it does not display any unnatural or magical durability, and thus, should be handled with the utmost delicacy. The scratch that V-165 obtained when testing this factor does not appear to inhibit its function. V-165 functions similarly to our own thaumic lenses in that it can see the shape and pattern of various thaumic fields. However, normal thaumic lenses are only able to see one type of field per lens. By rotating the silver nodules on the bands circling V-165, one can adjust it between viewing a large number of different fields, including many not previously known. It also has a viewing clarity unrivaled by any of our own devices. How V-165 accomplishes this is unknown. The estimated number of fields it is able to view, based on the rotational position of known fields, is [REDACTED]. Known viewable fields include: The Potential Field The Intrinsic Field The Prismatic Field The Celestial Field The Phlogistonic Field The Aetherial Field The Terrarian Field The Aquarian Field An unknown field that appears to be related to darkness and/or shadows - further research is underway. An unknown field that appears to be related to living things - further research is underway. An unknown field. It’s purpose cannot be discerned, because it appears entirely black through V-165. It is assumed that the type of magic related to this field is uncastable by ponies, or has simply never been cast. Further research is underway. An unknown field that appears to be related to [REDACTED]. Research into this field has been cancelled following Incidents V-165-A and V-165-B. Research into further fields viewable by V-165 has been put on hold following Incidents V-165-A and V-165-B. Note: No, viewing that particular field did not send Agent Lee into “the throes of the broodfester tongues”, whatever those are. She did not see “ancient secrets never meant to be seen by pony eyes”. She is recovering well, and will be back to work within the next few weeks. If this mocking continues, I will feel perfectly justified in giving her a list of every pony I have seen making light of her situation behind her back. Your fate is in your hooves. -Archduke Montagne Incident V-165-A: While performing a field-progression test with V-165, Agent Lee moved past the previous maximum point of exploration (Field 11) and into Field 12. The events that followed, as transcribed by Stenographer Richards, are shown below. Lee: Field 11 is behaving normally- [She holds V-165 to her eye and looks around the room.] Lee: -still can’t see anything. Permission to move ahead to Field 12. Montagne: Permission granted. Lee: Moving to Field 12. [She adjusts the nodules slightly ahead, and holds V-165 to her eye.] Montagne: What do you see, Agent Lee? Lee: I see... hm. Montagne: Is it another black field? Lee: No, I can definitely see something, I just... [She squints, and seems to look into the distance.] Lee: [Whispered] What is that? Montagne: Agent Lee? Lee: Hold on, I just- [Lee freezes.] Montagne: Agent Lee? Lee: Oh no. Montagne: Agent Lee, what do you see? Lee: It’s coming! Oh [EXPLETIVE REDACTED], it’s coming! Montagne: Agent Lee, put down [V-165]! Lee: I can’t! It’s gonna kill me! It’s gonna- [Lee begins screaming uncontrollably. When security personnel remove V-165 from her eye, Lee collapses to the ground and convulses spastically, similar to the effects of a seizure. The on-stand-by medical team rushes Lee to sick-bay.] Montagne: For [EXPLETIVE REDACTED]’s sake, Richards, you can stop writing now. Incident V-165-B: [REDACTED]
V-209: A [REDACTED]Item Number: V-209 Designations: Unsolved, Dangerous, Contained Administrator: Earl Waldon Lead Researcher: [REDACTED] Procedure: V-209 is to to be kept in a triple-locked safe in the sub-basement level of Warehouse 1. The room in which V-209 is kept is to have no fewer than three (3) guards on duty at any time. Access to V-209 is restricted to members of Administration and any personnel with the signed permission of at least three (3) members of Administration, including Earl Waldon. The key to the room is kept in Earl Waldon’s possession. The key to the safe is to be randomly relocated to a secure storage location within Base [REDACTED] every 24 hours. Note: Whoever’s moving that key for him... just bring it to me. Seriously. -Director Barton Note: The first pony to bring me that safe key gets double pay for a month. Make it three months if you break into his study and bring me both keys. -Viceroy Cooper Note: Wait. Warehouse 1 has a sub-basement level? Why has nopony told me about this? -Duchess Moran Description: V-209 is a small chunk of [REDACTED], approximately [REDACTED] inches in diameter. It was found in Vault Room [REDACTED], along with [REDACTED] similar objects. The other instances of V-209 are still contained in the Vault. Earl Waldon has requested that these other instances of V-209 be brought into Order custody as soon as possible. Testing on V-209 has revealed no unusual properties. However, V-209 does exhibit a large amount of thaumic aura, similar to the aura exuded by the Vault itself. Further testing has not yet been scheduled. Note: Waldon, you know this thing is just a [REDACTED], right? -Director Barton Note: Barton! I’m surprised at you. You’re the one that came up with these security protocols, and now you’re just ignoring them? I’ve edited your note for you. You’re welcome. -Earl Waldon Note: Waldon, it’s a [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] [REDACTED]! We don’t need to use one of our most secure storage facilities to keep a [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] [REDACTED] out of enemy hands! If we locked up every single [REDACTED] we came across, we’d put hundreds of farmers out of business, not to mention look like complete morons! Use it as a [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] paperweight on your desk, for all I care, but get it out of that safe! -Archduke Montagne Note: Seriously. When did Warehouse 1 get a sub-basement level? Who approved the paperwork for that? -Duchess Moran Note: Moran: Cooper and I signed, Pendragon triplicated. -Viscount Monroe Note: You too, Montagne? I am fully aware that V-209 looks like a [REDACTED], but the fact that it was kept within the Vault to begin with is evidence enough that it must be something more. Until we can identify what, exactly, it is, I am not taking any chances. V-209 was placed under my authority, so what I say goes. -Earl Waldon Note: Edited my last note for security. -Earl Waldon Note: Wow. Really, Waldon? -Marquess Lemke Note: Waldon, I gave that [REDACTED] to you as a welcoming gift, not as a dangerous object. It’s a bit of [REDACTED] that fell out of the Vault [REDACTED]. Did the box, wrapping paper, and card not make that clear? -Lord Pendragon Note: Whose bright idea was it to make Waldon a member of Administration in the first place? -Lady Alexandra Note: Alexandra: Please keep comments about personnel performance on their respective files. Thank you. -Viscount Monroe Note: I swear, Monroe, sometimes it seems like you three are running the whole place behind our backs. -Duchess Moran Note: Moran: See my note to Alexandra above. -Viscount Monroe Note: For the record, Alexandra, he was the only Agent with a high enough rank after Larkspur died. I’ve regretted my positive vote ever since. -Viceroy Cooper Note: Cooper: See my note to Alexandra above. -Viscount Monroe Note: I wish we still had that Shift Key fellow around - he could have gotten in there like nothing. -Viceroy Cooper Note: And who’s fault is that, I wonder? -Agent Farthing Note: Request to burn every copy of the entire V-209 file due to high risk of embarrassment breach. -Agent Durmeyer Note: Durmeyer, if you can get me those keys, we’ll have a [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] company barbeque on those copies. -Archduke Montagne Note: On it, sir. -Agent Durmeyer
V-244: A Rosewood WandItem Number: V-244 Designations: Dangerous, Harmful, Contained Administrator: Duchess Moran (Reassignment under consideration) Lead Researcher: Doctor Mavel Note: If I hear anypony else joking about the fact that Incident V-244-A could have been avoided if we had given V-244 to Earl Waldon to go along with V-209, I will have them demoted to latrine duties before they even have the chance to snicker. The death of your peers should never be a laughing matter, no matter how ironic it may seem in hindsight. -Lord Pendragon Procedure: V-244 is to be kept locked in a velvet-lined, reinforced lead case in a solitary confinement cell in the Secure Storage Sub-level of Warehouse 2. Access to V-244 for any reason requires a majority vote of all Administrators. If V-244 enters an active phase and breaks containment, all non-essential personnel are to be evacuated immediately. Agents Cardan, Verdan, and Lockheed will be in charge of re-containment of V-244. If Cardan, Verdan, and Lockheed are all indisposed or unavailable, open Emergency Packet ER6-244 for further instructions. Description: V-244 is a gnarled wand of rosewood which measures exactly 1 cubit in length. As such, it is theorized that V-244 originates from somewhere in the Wither East, even though the type of rosewood with which it is made is not native to that continent. V-244 has an extremely powerful thaumic aura. The exact levels cannot be measured, since they are too high for even the Comprehensive Stationary Thaumometer (CoST) to properly detect. However, the aura does appear to be stronger in the direction that V-244 is pointing, judging by the damage done to CoST’s detector panels during attempted measurements. V-244’s aura does not have any apparent effect on living things, but any magically sensitive materials brought within an approximately 15-foot radius of V-244 (quartz crystals, rowanwood, nickel, etc.) will quickly, though at various rates, blacken, crack, and crumble. The resulting fragments are made of a material which is similar in appearance to charcoal, but is actually comprised of at least ten (10) unknown elements. Non-magical materials will also begin to be affected this way, given sufficient exposure. Even the walls of V-244’s chamber in the Vault were beginning to show signs of deterioration at the time of retrieval. It is obvious that V-244 was not designed with ponies in mind. The aura of V-244 counteracts both horn magic and hoof magic, making it incredibly difficult for any species of equine to properly hold. However, this does not mean it cannot be used by equines. (See Incident V-244-A) When V-244 is held by a ‘worthy’ user, it [DATA REMOVED: ADMINISTRATOR ACCESS REQUIRED] The criteria by which V-244 judges which users are ‘worthy’ are unknown. Following Incident V-244-A, Duchess Moran has politely requested that V-244 be placed under somepony else’s authority. Addendum V-244-1: Doctor Mavel requested use of V-165 to identify exactly what type of magic powers V-244. Request was denied. Note: V-244 is like nothing we’ve seen before, which means it’s probably on one of V-165’s higher settings. I’m not sure we’re ready to go that far yet. -Archduke Montagne Note: Not to mention, you’d have to be standing pretty far away to avoid having V-165 dissolve. Too much risk, not enough potential gain. -Viceroy Cooper Incident V-244-A: On [TIMESTAMP REDACTED], [EMPLOYEE NAME REDACTED] was involved in standard property testing on V-244. Suddenly, [EMPLOYEE NAME REDACTED] reported hearing V-244 speak, a phenomenon which had not occurred in previous property tests. [EMPLOYEE NAME REDACTED] was given permission to [ACTION REDACTED] as V-244 had requested, and [DATA REMOVED: ADMINISTRATOR ACCESS REQUIRED] Base [REDACTED] was almost entirely obliterated. Order losses were calculated to be [REDACTED], with civilian casualties estimated to be [REDACTED]. A cover story involving a large explosion in the town’s coal mine was disseminated, and has held thus far.
V-372: A Standing MirrorItem Number: V-372 Designations: Unsolved, Contained Administrator: Lord Pendragon Lead Researcher: Agent Hartstrom Procedure: When V-372-1 is inactive, it is to be stored in the office of Lord Pendragon for normal use. When V-372-1 is about to enter an active phase, it is to be moved to Site 6 for containment, observation, and experimentation. Any information gained about V-372-2 during active-phase explorations is to be fully disclosed during the exploratory agent’s debriefing. If any agent is found to have been withholding information for any reason, they will be severely reprimanded. Following Incident V-372-C, all personnel are to be thoroughly screened for erotic proclivities towards hands, fingers, and other similar minotoid and draconoid physical features before being assigned to the V-372 research team. Note: The exit location of the gate notwithstanding, V-372 does not lead to a toybox, nor a playground. However much it may seem like only a perversion of our own world, remember that they would probably think the same of us if they ever came through the other way. -Lord Pendragon Description: V-372-1 is an ornate full-length mirror, approximately 8 feet in height when including the pedestal and upper ornamentation. The mirror itself is a 5-and-a-half foot tall oval, and seems to be made of glass backed by an unidentified reflective material - its apparent fragility has prevented heavier testing. It is edged by a horseshoe shape made of enchanted steel, which is decorated with stripes of silver filigree and 11 diamond-cut pink sapphires. Additional swirls of steel decorate the outer edge of the horseshoe, and additional upside-down horseshoe shapes adorn the lower tier of the pedestal. The bottom of the mirror is directly connected to the pedestal, giving the construction a gate-like appearance. V-372-2 is an alternate dimension to our own reality. For every sapient being that exists in our world, a counterpart exists in V-372-2. Other than that, very little else is known. Every thirty lunar cycles, two days before the full moon, V-372-1 enters an active phase which lasts for exactly three days. During this time, the surface of the mirror becomes pliable, and V-372-2 is able to be entered. Exploration on the other side during these periods has revealed the following properties: The exit location of V-372-1 is one of four (4) mirrors set into the pedestal of a statue, which resides in the courtyard of what appears to be some sort of young-adult educational facility. Thankfully, during the first active phase in which V-372-2 was explored, the facility was in an off season, allowing relatively unhindered access by our personnel. The local sapient race is bipedal and bibrachial, similar to minotaurs. Closer examination of their bone structure reveals a close relation to primates. The local sapient race speaks a language that is almost completely identical to common Ponnish. Any pony or griffon entering the portal takes on the form of the local sapient race. While in this form, they lose any extraordinary abilities their previous bodies may have had, in addition to obvious physical detriments. For instance, since the form of the local sapient race lacks wings, pegasi and griffons lose the ability to fly. Unicorns also lose the ability to use magic, though whether this is due to lack of a channeling structure in their body, or due to the world’s lack of a thaumic field, is still to be determined. Testing involving sending smaller-sized and non-sapient creatures through V-372-1 has produced wildly varying results. (See Testing Log 372-Alpha below) Testing involving enchanted or magically-sensitive inanimate objects has generally resulted in V-372-2 causing the disappearance or deactivation of any such properties. Permission is pending from Administration to attempt to use V-372 as a disposal system for hazardous artifacts, such as V-244. Note: Keep in mind that this is a whole world that we’re dealing with. Sure, things like quartz rods, spellbooks, and swords from the blacksmith down the street lose their auras, and that’s that, but with the V-series items, there are too many unknown factors. If something happened that we weren’t expecting, we’d be putting an entire reality in danger. I’m still not convinced that it’s worth the risk. -Viceroy Cooper Testing Log 372-Alpha: Each testing session is comprised of the tests performed within a three-day active period. Tests are denoted as follows: appearance in our world :: appearance in V-372-2 With additional comments following each entry, if necessary. Session One: rabbit :: rabbit ferret :: ferret flea :: flea This test was not purposeful, but has been catalogued regardless. Following it, stricter initial cleaning procedures were enforced for personnel involved in testing with V-372. mouse :: mouse toucan :: toucan Note: In the future, please ask permission before using your coworker’s pets for any kind of experimentation. -Agent Hartstrom fish :: fish sea turtle :: tortoise This was the first experiment that resulted in a changed form for a non-sentient creature. Beatrice, a cow that was serving as an assistant cook in the facility kitchens :: cow When sent through V-372-1, Beatrice appeared to lose all higher brain function. She could no longer speak, and did not seem to react to or recognize her name or any other speech. During a short period of observation, the only action she took was to walk slowly over to a nearby patch of grass and begin eating. She was eventually led back through V-372-1 by Order personnel. Once back in our world, she began screaming and thrashing uncontrollably, and was quickly sedated and transported to the facility sick-bay. Further testing with semi-sapients has been suspended indefinitely, pending a full review of the incident. End of Session One Session Two: Due to the non-magical nature of V-372-2, Dr. Menendez had acquired administrative permission to experiment on inherently magical creatures during this session. tortoise :: sea turtle This test was simply to confirm transformation symmetry from the previous session. Note: We’re not sure why turtles and tortoises become the other when they enter V-372-2. Either it’s an intentional feature, or some kind of dimensional error, but either way, there must be something important about them. Further research is recommended. -Dr. Menendez phoenix :: pile of ash While kept in V-372-2, the phoenix did not reincarnate within any normal timeframe. When brought back into our world, the ash again seemed to remain inactive. After approximately five hours, reincarnation finally occurred. However, it reincarnated into a hatchling. The hatchling had no apparent memories, and was imprinting upon Order personnel in a manner normal for hatchlings fresh from their eggs. This suggests that entry into V-372-2 reset the phoenix’s entire life cycle. The hatchling was given as a gift to Director Barton. isolated timber wolf core :: stick Inside of V-372-2, the core showed no unique or unusual properties, and no attraction towards other plant debris. When brought back into our world, the timber wolf was allowed to attempt to reassemble. While it was once again able to attract pieces to itself, it was no longer able to assemble or control any useful form. It is being held for further observation. basilisk :: statue of a basilisk The statue did not revert when returned to our world, and was placed into permanent storage. Following this test, further testing with magical creatures was deemed too potentially harmful, and all other planned tests were canceled. End of Session Two Session Three: Session Three is planned for the next active phase.
