Luminesce
Ever just have one of those days?
The kind of day where everything just goes horribly wrong, where doing things that are usually beneficial for you either fail or backfire horribly, and all of your so-called friends either abandon you entirely, or their halfhearted attempts at help inadvertently make things worse.
I think we've all been there. I know I sure have.
I suppose context is important. Might as well start at the beginning then. Ahem, my name is Luminesce, personal protégé of Princess Twilight. I was born in West Canterlot, and spent the formative years of my life living with my mother, father, and younger brother. When I was 6 years old, it was discovered that I had the potential to be an extremely powerful magician, thanks to a little show-and-tell activity at my school, and I've been living with, and studying under the tutelage of the Princess of Equestria herself ever since. That was 17 years ago; I am now an adult mare and, at the risk of sounding arrogant, magic is something I have become very good at. The word ‘phenomenal’ tends to come to mind.
But the Princess has taught me other things too, apart from just magic. She’s trained my brain, making sure I’m well versed in the history of Equestria. She’s taught me a multitude of different languages, including ancient ones whose only purpose is they’re usage in modern day spells. She’s even made sure that I’m up to date with the latest technology. After all, technology does stem from magic at its core anyways. But Princess Twilight has taught me one, crucial lesson above all others:
Ponies are stupid. I mean really, really fucking stupid.
Granted, she didn't teach me this on purpose. It’s not like she ever sat me down, had me get out a piece of paper and then write a 700 word essay on how ponies are fucking morons. No, nothing like that at all. It was the little things she did that tipped me off. Her aloofness, her constantly condescending attitude towards most other ponies, even members of her own staff, but done in a way that they wouldn't notice unless they were really paying attention (which they never were, as they were too busy getting a hard-on over the fact that the ethereally beautiful Princess Twilight would even speak to them,) the fact that she always tried her absolute hardest to make time for me or another pony the Princess didn't loathe; it really helped shape my initial beliefs that most ponies weren't worth giving the time of day to.
Although my realization of the general populace’s inanity can’t be attributed to the Princess alone. It’s pretty obvious, the way that these ponies, who really should be on some kind of search for truth or knowledge, spend their time wallowing in their own bloated, listless, disgusting hedonism, that they’re not exactly the brightest of creatures in the world. The way that they go to parties, get completely smashed, do incredibly moronic things like, say, letting every single goddamn stallion they ever meet take them for a joyride. In fact, the only way you couldn't see that these ponies are fucking idiots is if you yourself are, well, a fucking idiot.
It’s not just that they’re fucking idiots; it’s that they’re fucking idiots who surround themselves with other fucking idiots. I've seen groups of ponies, posses, cliques, whatever you want to call them. And now one of them ever has an original thought. They parrot each other so goddamn much; you’d think they should be asking for crackers. Furthermore, they egg each other on to do really stupid stuff. Chances are when someone’s alone; you’ll never see them stick their head in a toilet because if they’re doing something like that, they were probably dared to by their best friend, Stupid McJackass.
So that’s my rant about how much I hate other ponies. What were we talking about before I went off on this diatribe?
Oh right, my terrible, terrible day, and how that affected (or effected, depending on your IQ score) my life in general.
So it started out like pretty much any other Wednesday, with me working on an assignment for the Princess. It was to be a long, detailed essay on the impact Clover the Clever had had in the field of magic. A fairly easy assignment, as Clover the Clever is one of the better known figures in Equestrian history (she was one of the founders of Modern Equestria after all,) so this project was basically just about doing the research and filling in the missing details (details like how Clover’s youngest daughter, Rivers Elize, was Equestria’s very first serial killer.) Anyways, the paper was due Friday, which meant I technically had two more days to work on it, but I always liked to get stuff done early, so my plan was to finish it and give it to Princess Twilight either that night or the next morning depending on how late it was when I was done.
The problems really started at 3:52 pm that afternoon, when I, seeing how nice of a day it was outside, decided to take a break from my assignment, and find a nice quiet place, most likely on a park bench, to catch up on my reading. I hadn't read a decent book in a while, but I just bought a few I had high hopes for, so at least I knew I had something to read.
My reading time, however, was cut short pretty quickly when 3 mares with whom I had the misfortune of becoming familiar with trotted up to me and started talking.
Misty Rivers was a light blue coated, mauve-maned unicorn, with flowers for her cutie mark (which, based on a recent survey, was the most popular cutie mark in Equestrian history.) As her name would suggest, she had a habit of breaking into melodrama over everything. I’m not entirely sure if it’s because she’s a manipulative bitch who wants everypony to feel sorry for her, or if she’s just legitimately that weak-willed, but either way I want absolutely fuck all to do with her.
Breezie Mind was, color-wise, basically just pastels all over, pale yellow coat (with darker yellow hooves,) and a pink mane (flower petal pink, not Pepto-Bismol pink.) Her cutie mark was, wouldn't you know it, a goddamn smiley face. How delightfully saccharine. But her color scheme, as well as her name (I think her parents knew what they were getting into pretty quickly, or maybe they just hate her,) are a perfect match for her utterly vacuous personality. There is just absolutely nothing going on in this unicorn’s head. She basically just exists as a natural satellite to Blanca and Misty, merrily trotting along following the two more interesting mares around.
Then there was Blanca Hope, the unofficial leader of the group (or official, maybe? I really have no idea what the three of them do in their spare time, apart from, of course, get drunk and suck dick, so maybe they have some kind of official club where Blanca was elected leader.) Aesthetically speaking, Blanca, in addition to being the only pegasus in a clique with two unicorns, was definitely the most interesting of the group. She had an off-white coat, bright crimson red hair, eyes which matched the curtains pretty well, an explosion of colors for a cutie mark that represented… something, (fireworks, maybe?) a tail which swung back and forth as she trotted; a sultry gaze in her eyes, a nice, shapely, feminine, sexy flank…
I hate her! She’s a complete bitch who has been nothing but mean and cruel to me ever since we were fillies. She’s an entitled piece of shit who thinks that because she’s pretty and she grew up rich that means she’s goddamn queen of Equestria. Watching her get brutally tortured and killed would be a masturbatory-worthy fantasy to me. No… wait… I phrased that wrong. I meant to say that watching her get murdered would fill me with pleasure… wait, that’s not any better…
I’ll have you know that I am in no way attracted to Blanca; I feel no emotion towards her apart from hatred and contempt.
“Hi Luminesce,” Blanca said. Her syntax seemed inoffensive and her tone friendly enough, but deep inside there was a burning hatred of me which she kept suppressed; a hatred which stemmed from jealousy of my intellect and status with Princess Twilight.
Anyways, I ignored her and kept reading my book. It wasn't a very good book, some ungodly boring bullshit about this whiny, personality-devoid little shithead who travels to this really bizarre, vaguely dystopian immortal realm to collect a bunch of keys (because apparently that makes him all powerful or something,) but at least it would distract me from these three harlots.
“Hello Luminesce,” Misty parroted, this time with a small amount of annoyance creeping into her voice. I got the feeling she didn't want to be here talking to me (real ground breaker there,) but had to for whatever reason. This suited me just fine, as I intended to increase the length of her uncomfortable stay here by any means necessary. That would mean I’d be stuck dealing with Misty and her moronic mates for a little bit longer, but it would be a small price to pay if it meant pissing them off.
“Luminesce; we’re trying to talk to you here,” Blanca said, this time visibly frustrated, “Could you at least acknowledge our existence?”
A small smile crept across my face, “I could acknowledge your existence, or I could not insult my intelligence by raising you to equal footing with myself.”
Blanca glared at me, “Lumi, please don’t start today. I’m really not in the mood.”
Lumi!? I fucking hate that nickname with the blue-hot intensity of Eta Carinae. When my brother calls me that I want to castrate him with a blunt knife. There’s no way I’m going to let some trashy hoe like Blanca call me that. Fuck. That. Shit.
“What did you call me, bitch!?” I yelled at Blanca, doing my best to sound as intimidating as possible. In hindsight, I probably wasn't as successful as I thought I was at the time (I’m not naturally a very scary person; I think my brother inherited the ‘scary gene’ in the family.)
“Calm down Luminesce,” Misty said, “We just want to talk.”
I was about to start raging again, but when I looked into the faces of the mares; it didn't look like they were trying to wind me up. They looked genuine, weary even (well, Misty and Blanca did, Breezy had the same expression on her face she always had: derp,) and looked like they were just trying to tell me something. So, against my better judgement, I relented.
“Say what you need to say, and then get out of my mane,” I said, trying to keep my emotionally charged demeanor up. I think it worked better this time then the last.
Blanca huffed angrily; clearly unhappy at being spoken to in such a manner (she was kinda cute when she’s mad,) but continued on with what she was going to say, “Ace Roy and his friends are having a jam at our flat, and they wanted me to let you know you’re invited.”
I raised an eyebrow, “How exactly did you know my brother was having a party before I did… and wait... our flat?”
Blanca smiled condescendingly, “Yeah, I moved in with your brother in September, didn’t you hear?”
Well, if I wasn’t angry enough before, I was now absolutely livid. Partly at Ace because apparently in the last EIGHT FUCKING MONTHS he neglected to tell me that he had moved in with my de facto arch rival, but mostly at Blanca because she had managed to win over my dickhead brother. And then, of course, another thought crossed my mind.
“I swear to Faust Blanca, if you and he are-”
“Relax Shiny, we’re just friends,” Blanca interrupted.
Again with the nicknames! Shiny, by the way, was a reference to my cutie mark, a 5 pointed gold star. As you could probably figure, it’s a really annoying thing to be called.
I scowled at Blanca. At this point I really wanted her to go away.
“So…?” Blanca said.
“So… what?” I asked.
“Are you coming to the party or not.”
I blinked a few times and paused, assessing the question. My answer was, of course, no, and if I had just said that and gone along with my day, all of this shit could've been avoided. But I was angry, so I decided to be an asshole instead; and not a funny asshole, the kind of asshole who goes out of their way to make their target’s day a living hell.
I regret absolutely nothing.
“Yes, of course I’d love to go to Ace’s party,” I said, “After all, who wouldn't want to spend the night as some stallion’s fuck toy.”
“Lumi…” Blanca started, but I continued.
“Of course I’d love to get drunk and fuck up the one thing I permanently own. And I’d love to hang out with a bunch of stupid, bro-douche morons who I can’t stand, waste all my money on booze and drugs, get so liquored up I can’t remember my own name, and then become the cum-dumpster for a bunch of stallions who won’t even think about calling me the next day. That sounds like the ideal way to spend my night, doesn't it? No, it fucking doesn't.”
Misty and Breezy were both beginning to get visibly upset, and Blanca was doing everything she could to keep her composure. I’m really not sure why she didn't just leave, but I’m not really complaining any more. The longer they stayed, the more chance it gave for me to torture these mares.
“You could just say no thank you,” Blanca said, her beautiful eyes fixed upon me.
“I could, but I wanted to make a point. I wanted to make a point about how stupid, pointless, and utterly worthless your lives are! If you fucking bitches want to party your lives away, that’s fine by me, but don’t even think about dragging me into it! And when you wake up tomorrow morning behind a dumpster with your mane covered in Fratcolt McCocksucker’s spunk, don’t come crying to me.”
I think maybe I had been a little bit too loud, as there were now quite a few other simpletons sitting around watching us. And considering this is the middle of Canterlot in the middle of the afternoon, that’s kind of a big deal. Most of the insults were directed at me (the words ‘cunt,’ and ‘psycho’ came up a lot,) but fuck these ponies, what do they know?
“Luminesce, I recently got my master’s degree in photography at the U,” Blanca said, still somehow remaining calm.
“And how much did your daddy have to pay for you to get that? Or maybe it was just a matter of you having to suck a lot of dicks.”
I could see the vein’s start to show in her neck as her jaw clenched and her steely gaze grew, well, even more steely (and yet she was still hot,) but Blanca still didn't react. At this point I was basically counting down the seconds until the punches me in the face.
“And I have a coltfriend,” Misty sad, “We've been together for 2 years and I’m thinking he’s going to propose to me soon.”
“Then I feel really, really bad for him,” I said flatly.
And that was it. I suddenly felt something collide with my jaw, and it knocked me over. As I looked up, completely to my not-surprise, Blanca was there standing over me. I quickly got myself and dusted myself off, not wanting to be too humiliated in public.
“What the fuck is wrong with you!?” Blanca shouted, “Ace is right, you are a total cunt.”
I surveyed the scene. Those annoying assholes that showed up to watch us scrap were still standing around in a vaguely circular formation being stupid. Misty was balling her eyes out, and Breezie was desperately trying to comfort her by wrapping her forelegs around her and whispering something in her ear.
Ha. Gay.
“Why are you such a bitch?” Misty whined.
I chuckled a little because Misty sounded rather melodramatic, but I didn't respond.
Before anyone else could do anything, Misty’s coltfriend, White Knight, came right the fuck out of nowhere and started getting in my face and giving me shit.
“Yo, what do you want?” He started with. Great opener dude, nothing more intimidating than starting your sentence with ‘yo.’ And of course, there’s nothing more manly than trying to intimidate a mare.
“Hi White Knight,” I said, visibly displaying my annoyance.
“You better not be starting shit with my marefriend,” White Knight continued, “Or else I’ll kick your ass.”
Misty was now completely swooning over this misogynistic douchebag, and Breezie was attempting to hide the fact that she was swooning over him. Sluts.
As for White Knight himself… not really much to say about him honestly, but if you need more proof of why I don’t like him: he was wearing a backwards snapback.
“Well, why are you just standing here?” White Knight continued, “Fuck off already, hoe.”
I feel like when White Knight first popped out of his mom’s poon, she looked down at him and thought ‘he’s going to grow up to make a very fine asshole one day.’ That would explain the name at least.
“Threatening a mare,” I said smugly, “I’m sure the cops will really appreciate that.”
“I don’t think the cops would give a shit. Nopony likes you anyways,” White Knight responded.
“Stay classy, dude,” I said. I mean, technically he’s not wrong, although he’s under the assumption that I care, which is wrong. Still though, cops are cops, and if they show up and find this bag of dicks beating on me, they’d definitely do something… right? (Please ignore the fact that, as the most powerful unicorn in Canterlot, I could easily break his neck with my magic if I wanted to.)
Anyways, after that awkward little exchange, I decided that waiting around here wasn't worth my time anymore (the crowd seemed to agree with me, as they had started to dissipate as well,) so I grabbed my book via levitation magic and began trotting back to the castle. White Knight and Misty started shouting some generic insults at me, but I figured I had done everything I wanted to and there was no point in me sticking around. And so I went back to my research project satisfied with the knowledge that if I ever see any of these ponies one-on-one, I’ll have no problems dealing with them more accordingly.
Fast forward a few hours. As expected for a very intelligent mare such as myself, I finished my research assignment at about 20 hundred hours (or 8 pm for you mentally deficient types,) and was just looking over for things like spelling errors and such. I was going to submit it to the princess at the first available opportunity, when I heard a knock at my door.
“Come in,” I said.
Two royal guards, Tech System and Mach Boulder, were standing there at my door. With lower level guards I’d often just ignore them or try to piss them off, but System was a notorious gun freak and Boulder was about four times my weight (and prone to some serious 'roid rage,) so I remained courteous.
“Miss Luminesce, Princess Twilight would like to speak with you in her study,” Boulder stated.
“Okay,” I said.
“Just follow us,” System said, “And don’t even think about pulling any shit, unless you like the taste of bullet.”
That’s now twice I've been threatened by a stallion today. You’re probably beginning to see why I think this day was so awful, but, of course, you haven’t seen the biggest reason yet.
A thought did occur to me at this point. If Princess Twilight was sending out System and Boulder, who were her de facto two top guards, then that meant whatever she wanted to talk to me about must be important. Definitely more important, at the very least, then a research paper about Clover the Clever.
She was probably, I concluded, coming to congratulate me on my actions earlier today. She must have heard about them (somehow,) and wanted to exonerate me of any potential guilt I might have had over the altercation (although I had none,) and then give me a few tips on how to deal with bullies like Blanca Hope in the future. It made perfect sense! I hope… (No pun intended.)
I didn’t speak to either of the two guards until we reached the door of Princess Twilight’s main office, when Boulder knocked on the door. After 9 seconds or so, the princess emerged, looking as regal and beautiful as ever even though it was late in the night.
“Thank you for bringing her gentlecolts,” Princess Twilight said, “Now if you’ll excuse me, this is a matter that Luminesce and I need to discuss alone, so you two are allowed to retire for the evening.”
“Are you sure you don’t need our help princess?” Boulder asked.
“No, Boulder,” Princess Twilight said, “As I said, this is something that needs to be between myself and Luminesce.”
“Would you like me to get the prince, then?” Boulder asked.
“Boulder, while I appreciate your desire to assist by any means necessary, with all due respect, this isn't your business, nor is it my husbands,” Princess Twilight reiterated.
Boulder nodded his head in understanding. System’s expression did not change.
“Princess, before we leave, I do believe there’s something you have forgotten,” Boulder said nervously (with System apparently egging him on.)
Princess Twilight chuckled, “And what might that be?”
Boulder said nothing, trying to find the right word but all that came out were lots of ‘ums’ and ‘I’s.’ Finally, System interrupted: “Twilight, where are our paychecks?” He asked bluntly.
“Oh, is it payday already,” Princess Twilight said, and laughed lightly again, “I do apologize, gentlecolts, as you can imagine my schedule gets overloaded and things sometimes slip my mind. I promise you will have both your paychecks on your desk by midnight tonight. In the meantime, however, I do wish that you two give Luminesce and I some time to... discuss things.”
“Thank you, princess,” Boulder said. System simply nodded, and the two stallions left. I walked into Twilight’s study and sat down on the chair in front of her desk, facing her directly.
Now this was the moment I’d been waiting for. The moment when Princess Twilight would congratulate me for standing up for myself, and officially consider me a strong, independent mare. I could almost feel, no, almost taste the pride and elation that I would undoubtedly feel in a few moments. Maybe, if I was really lucky, she’d even reward me with sex. Wait… what!?
Princess Twilight paused, took a sip of tea (or whatever drink she had in her mug… might have just been water, I really don’t know,) and took a few deep breaths, looking at me intently during that time. At this point, while I was attempting to keep a placid façade, by insides were bursting with the sweet anticipation over what could possibly happen this night. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity of sitting and waiting, Princess Twilight opened her mouth to speak, and…
“Luminesce, what the fuck is wrong with you?”
Ouch.
“You heard?” Was really the best thing I could think of saying.
“I heard that you insulted and harassed three mares for nothing more than simply talking to you, to the point at which Blanca Hope, who is as pacifistic a pony as I've ever met, had to punch you in the face to get you to stop.”
“But princess, Blanca and her posse are evil. They deserve that kind of treatment.”
“Even if that were true, Luminesce, even if Blanca and her friends were the reincarnation of King Sombra, Vitriol the draconequus and Hitler all rolled up in one, that doesn't justify being a bully. And today, you were a bully. And you should know at this point that other people’s actions don’t justify your own. You’re 23, and that’s the kind of stuff they teach in Magic Kindergarten. You’re way too old to have to have anyone tell you that.”
I said nothing, not want to argue with her anymore. My ego was already bruised enough as is.
“And it’s not like this is an isolated incident either. Over the course of the past year alone, you've poured coffee on a stallion because he didn’t know the periodic table of elements, magically replaced the beer with liquid arsenic at a party, viciously and brutally attacked a mare for talking about her sex life, and bullied countless other ponies for not living up to your lofty standards of what a pony should be like. It would be one thing, Luminesce, if you just had a short fuse, but there aren't any real signs of anger here, this is just, excuse my Prench, straight up douchebag behavior.”
“I- I’m sorry, princess,” was all I could say.
“Don’t apologize to me, Luminesce,” Princess Twilight said, her voice sounding significantly less angry now then it had been 15 seconds prior, “You've done nothing to me. But there are many, many ponies in Canterlot and Equestria that you have hurt. Badly. That arsenic thing you did because you were pissed that other ponies were having fun in ways you didn’t like? 4 ponies dead; and you’re lucky it wasn't more.”
Twilight paused to let her words sink in. And… it worked. I don’t think I’d ever felt worse in my life.
“Are- are you going to turn me into the police, princess?” I asked, putting as much humility into my voice as I could muster.
“No, Luminesce, I would never do that,” the princess said, and for one brief moment I felt happy again, “But something does need to be done.”
I didn't respond, instead waiting for her to announce what that ‘thing that will need to done’ is. Instead, she told a story.
“A little less than 200 years ago,” Princess Twilight began, “I was in much of the same position as you. Like you, I was a very intelligent and magically gifted mare who was the personal protégé of the princess of Equestria, and despite this, still had some issues to work out. One of which was, like you, I thought I didn't need other ponies, I thought I didn't really need friends. I thought I knew everything. In reality, I didn't know jack, and what I originally assumed to be banishment to a hick-town turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. But of course, you already know this story.”
I nodded in agreement.
Princess Twilight continued, “I bring it up because it’s relevant. While nobody doubts that you are a brilliant and talented young mare, I feel like you can learn a lot more from other ponies then you can from me. This is actually a decision I’ve been mulling over for quite some time, I wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do, but I think today’s altercation confirmed that it’s something you need. Luminesce, I’m sending you to Ponyville on an assignment to study the magic of friendship, just as Princess Celestia had done with me all those years ago.”
I just stood there staring at her, absolutely flabbergasted. I was looking for one last little wisecrack where the princess would explain that this was some kind of practical joke. There wasn't one.
“Seriously?” That was the best thing I could respond with.
“I know that sounds corny, my little pony, but I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't think it would be of great value to you. Living amongst the civilians instead of separated from them and meeting the ponies I would end up calling my best friends did absolute wonders for me; it could do the same for you. And, just between you and me, the ponies there are a lot nicer than the ones in Canterlot.”
I didn’t want this to happen. I tried pinching myself to convince myself this was all a dream and I would wake up. I wanted to scream, to run away and never come back, but I knew that every insane plan I drew up would come back to bite me in the ass eventually. All I could do was pace nervously around Princess Twilight’s study whispering ‘no’ to myself. If my brother had seen this, he would probably ride me about it for the next 6 months.
“I know you don’t like this, Luminesce,” Princess Twilight said empathetically, “Trust me, when Celestia first told me, via a letter no less, that she was sending me to Ponyville, I wanted to stab her eyes out with a rusty pitchfork. But trust me when I tell you that you will come to love Ponyville, and its inhabitants.”
“I doubt it,” I said morosely.
Twilight laughed, “If it’s any consolation, you won’t be going alone. I have invited two other companions to go along with you.”
More friends. Yippee!
“In fact, one of them should be here shortly,” Princess Twilight said, and, like clockwork, there was a knock on the door. When the princess went to go open it, she found two cops, blue uniforms and shiny badges and all, flanked on either side of a handcuffed stallion. And, to my eternal misfortune, said handcuffed stallion was, of course, none other than my pathetic excuse of a younger brother, Ace Roy.
“Sup princess,” he said in his trademark overly cocky, ‘I’m-totally-awesome’ tone of voice.
“Hey sis,” he added in that same obnoxious tone.
I groaned loudly, and the first words that came to my mind were:
“This is gonna suck.”
Author's Note
Hi people. This is my first MLP-related story. Hope you enjoy it. Not really much else for me to say, so I'll try to keep these authors notes short unless there's something I really need to mention.
