Celestia's Drunken Rambling
That Twilight Sparkle. She is such a bitch. I mean every time she has a fucking problem, she has just got to write to me about it. Sure, I told her to send me letters about her lessons in friendship, but seriously, what the fuck. I don't need to know that her shit was green this morning. And, also, weekly updates? I am the me damned ruler of fucking Equestria. I have better stuff to do than read her fucking reports about Pinkie realizing that her friends love her and she doesn't need to feel alone that they won't come to one, I repeat, just bloody one of her me damned parties. I told her to study friendship but you didn't expect her to fucking send me reports every damn week.
I guess that with talking about that insufferable bitch, Twilight, comes talking about her also insufferable friends. I will start with Pinkie Pie. Seriously she just seems to live off of crack. Does that mare ever spend a day sober. Seriously, every time I see her, it's like she just snorted a line of high grade cocaine. That one time she stole my cake? I was about to smack a hoe, albeit I had to stay composed and keep a royal demeanor. The downside of being a fucking princess. Speaking of which, why am I not a fucking queen. I rule over a whole damned kingdom. Chrysalis is a queen, Mr. Sombrero is a me damned fucking king. Why the hell don't I get to be a fucking queen. Fuck my sister. I'm in charge of this outfit. I need a fucking promotion.
But I'm getting off topic. Next up I would say is Rarity. She thinks she is the me damned bee's knees. What the fuck does that even mean? Do bees even have knees. But back to Rarity. She is such a fucking snob. Not even half the ponies in Canterlot are as stuck up as that little harlot. I have heard tell that she is made of marshmallows. Seriously ponies, just because a pony is fucking white does not mean the are made out of a delicious treat that has made my flank so desirable. Sometimes I wonder at how my loyal subjects are so fucking stupid.
Fluttershy. Yes, I must keep on track. This little slut is curvacious, but she is just that, a slut. Sure she may seem shy, but she is one of the most sexually active mares in all of Equestria. I mean, me damn, she had more gentlecolt callers in a week than I have at my court over the course of a month. Though I would not kind putting my hooves on that luscious flank of hers with those beautiful butterflies adorning them.
Next up is the obvious butch, Rainbow Dash. Seriously, who the fuck dyes her mane rainbow. Sure, her name is Rainbow Dash, but she doesn't need to dye her hair to show it. I actually preferred her when she had fucking brown hair as a little filly. She was so adorable. Now she just flaunts her homosexuality. Not that I am against that, mind you. I just don't need it shoved in my face every time I see her.
What the fuck am I talking about. The next mare on my list is one that sets my loins on fire, Applejack. That hard working mare is the epitome of perfect. Even her flaws are perfect. Her curves are enough to make anypony do a double take. Hell, even a twelve take. Her muscles are toned to a statuesque chisledness. What I wouldn't do to put my hooves on her. That stetson hat she wears is just wonderful. I would love-
Celestia sets her quill down and closes her diary as she hears her antechamber door open behind her. She turns around and is faced with the her sister, Princess Luna.
“Sister,” The Princess of the Night said. “What are you doing alone in your room?”
Celestia looked her sister in the eye and said, “I'm kicking my ass. D'you mind?”
Luna leaped back at her sister's sudden outburst. She then narrowed her eyes skeptically. “You're drunk aren't you?”
“I may have had a baker's dozen worth of shots.”
“Sister, do you even know how many are in a baker's dozen?”
“By my count, thirty-seven.”
Luna brought her hoof up to her face in the classical 'face-hoof' gesture. “Whatever. I'll leave you to it.”
“Why, thank you, little sister.” Celestia turns back to her diary. “Now where was I? Ah, yes. That sexy, sexy Applejack.”
I would love to take that stetson hat off her and see her in all her glory. That mare. She just sets my heart to pounding. Dear me, I'm rambling. Sorry Diary, I'm just a little tipsy. I think I will end this lengthy entry here. I must get some sleep to raise the sun tomorrow. Goodnight, Diary. And you too, Applejack.
Celestia set her quill down again, this time for good. She slowly stumbled over into her bed chamber and to her bed. She fell into it and was asleep before she even had time to pull the comforter over herself.
Unbeknownst to the Princess, however, her magic was not asleep. Her horn glowed with an ethereal yellow glow. A slow tendril of magic snaked its way over to the parchment on her desk in the other room. The sheet of paper was enveloped in her magic. In a flash of light, the diary entry disappeared.
In Ponyville, Twilight Sparkle was about to head to bed until she heard her number one assistant belch behind her, signaling the arrival of a royal missive. She trotted over to her dragon assistant, who lay on the ground next to an open piece of parchment.
“That's weird,” Twilight said. “Usually the Princess seals her letters.” She looked down at the parchment and began reading. As her eyes moved further down the page, her expression darkened. As she finished, she looked up, a determined, angry look on her face. “Well, it seems Applejack must die.”
Author's Note
So I was drunk when I had this idea. I was also drunk when I wrote it. Hope you enjoy.
Love,
Distorted
