Princess Luna and The Elements of Harmonyby TrickquestionChaptersChapter 1Chapter 2Chapter 3Chapter 4Chapter 1Trickquestion (a registered Brony) Fanfiction in association with Netflix presents... Monty Python and The Holy Grail (Brony Edition) Monti Python ik den Holie Grailen (Brony Upplaga) Idea formulated in an icecream headache by Trickquestion Roten nik Akten Di Intended to regal with you the amusing miscellany of medieval moron ponies. Wik So, my Brony brothers and sisters Also Wik And cousins and aunts and nieces and nephews Also Also Wik Please sit back, grab a snack and get comfortable Wi not trei a holiday in Sweden this yer? And enjoy the story! See the loveli lakes A quick thank you to the fantastic Mrs. Faust for bringing us this show The wonderful telephone system As well as those nuts across the pond who forever warped Arthurian legend in the minds of millions And many interesting furry animals Neither of the stories spoofed are my own Including the majestik moose And so, without further ado... A moose once bit my sister... Let the Fan Fiction... No realli! She was Karving her intials on the moose with the sharpened end of an interspace toothbrush given to her by Svenge-her brother-in-law-an Oslo dentist and star of many Norwegian movies: "The Hot Hands of an Oslo Dentist". "Fillings of Passion". "The Huge Molars of Horst Nordfink"... I apologise for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible have been sacked, then turned into stone, and promptly banished to the moon. Mynd you, moose bites Kan be pretti nasti... I apologise once again for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible for sacking, turning to stone and banishing to the moon the people who were sacked, turned into stone and banished to the moon have just been sacked, turned to stone and banished to the moon. Now that all that moosey business is concluded, the United Federation of Moose FanFiction writers (in association with Moose & Moose legal bros. and Moose's antler polishing and scat removal service) would like to resume where the intro was aborted and begin th The directors of the firm hired to continue the intro credits after the other people had been sacked, turned to stone and banished to the moon, wish it to be know that they have just been sacked, turned to stone and banished to the moon. The intro credits have been completed in an entirely different style at great expense and at the last minute. I'm on a drug called Pinkie Pie (which was force fed to several enslaved dwarves to keep them awake while writing this thing) It's not available, if you try it once you will die (which is why I had to trade an orphanage of children to the Columbians to get twelve kilos of the stuff) Your face will melt off And your children will weep over your exploded body Over your exploded body (Thankfully, the studio Llamas ate all the exploded dwarf carcass, so I didn't have to clean up) You love to party? What's not to love? The run I was on makes Surprise and G3 Pinkie look like Derpy-eyed armless fillies (Shouldn't that be legless?) That's how I party That's how I party I was banging seven pound rocks, that's how I roll (WINNING!) (So... that means Tom was...) I have one gear: GO! (EPIC WINNING!) (Are you bipolar?) I'm Pie-Winning! Win here, win there, win win everywhere! I'm a cupcake frosting rock star from Mars (Winning!) (But Mars dosen't have any... you know what, I give up. See you in Act 1) C'mon brony I got Manticore blood (WINNING!) You borrow my brain and you're like DUDE! CAN'T HANDLE IT! Win here, win there, win win everywhere. Let the story finally commence. Equestria, 932 A.D. (After Discord) The scene is the Equestrian countryside, a thick fog obscuring the landscape. The sound of hooves can be heard clacking across the ground, and after a minute, two ponies emerge from the fog. Boldly leading the duo is a larger then average night blue pony with both Pegasus wings and a Unicorn horn. Her mane seemed to be composed of the night sky itself, a fluttered majestically, despite the stillness of the air. Her companion was a small Earth pony with a white coat with a few brown spots. He was balancing on his hind legs (a task made harder by the bags he was carrying) and clicking two coconuts with his front hooves. The two came to a stop in front of an imposing castle wall. "Halt! Who goes there?" Called out a tan earth stallion with a trio of horseshoes for a cutie mark, who was standing guard atop the castle walls. "IT IS WE, YOUR MAJESTY PRINCESS LUNA!" The until Alicorn introduced. "CHAMPION OF THE MOON, DEFEATER OF DISCORD. WE, ALONG WITH OUR FAITHFUL SERVANT PIP..." "Wait, hold on a second, how many of you are there?" Caramel asked, confused by the Royal Caneterlot voice. "You're talking like there's three of you, but your friend is just banging two coconuts together." Luna seemedconfused for a moment, but then realized what was occuring. "OUR APOLOGIES CITIZEN! WE HAVE FORGOTTEN MANY ARE UNFAMILIAR WITH THE ROYAL..." "Where'd you get the coconuts?" Caramel interrupted suddenly. Luna looked over at Pip, seemingly mystified herself. "Where did you get the coconuts?" Princess Luna asked, snapping out of the Royal Canterlot Voice. Pip looked down at the coconuts. "I just kinda found them, your majesty." He then tossed them over his shoulder. "Maybe a swallow carried them. I just like the sound they make." "What, a swallow, carrying a coconut?" Caramel asked incredulously. "It could grip it by the husk." Luna suggested, before remembering why she was here. "THIS MATTER IS OF NO RELEVENCE! TELL THE LORD OF THIS CASTLE THAT PRINCESS LUNA IS SEEKING KNIGHTS FOR THE COURT OF CANTERLOT!" "Look, it's not a matter of where he grips it. The fact of the matter is that a 5-ounce bird could not carry a 1-pound coconut." Caramel replied, ignoring Luna (who was starting to get fed up with this nonsense.) "In order to maintain airspeed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second." "WOULD YOU JUST GO TELL..." "It could carried by a Zebracin swallow." Chimed in a blue earth pony with a musical notes cutie mark. "Oh yeah, a Zebracin swallw, maybe. But Zebracin swallows are non-migratory." At this point, Luna signaled to Pip, and the two began riding away. "Well what about two swallows carrying it together?" "Bring out your dead!" Called out a tall, slender yellow unicorn with a trio of starbursts on her flank. The mare in question was pulling a cart full of dead (mostly beaten to death) horses down a dirty street full of sickly, dirty people. "Bring out your dead!" "'Ere's one." Called out a large red stallion with an apple cutie mark, carrying an old mare with a pie cutie mark. "Alright, put her on the cart Big Macintosh." Replied Allie Way. "Macintosh! I'm not dead connabfoundit!" Spoke up Granny Smith. "Did she just say she's not dead?" The cart puller asked. "Nope." Replied Macintosh. "I'm not dead!" "You ain't in good health Granny, you"ll be dead any moment." "Listen, I can't take her if she isn't dead." Allie Way stated. "Well, can you come back round in a few minutes?" Big Mac asked. "I ain't goin on the cart!" "Gotta swing by the Surprise's place, she lost 9 foals this week!" Allie replied. "Listen, next run is Thursday, can you wait until then?" "I'm feeling better!" shouted Granny. "Nope." Allie looked around for a moment. "Can yeh do it as a favor?" Macintosh asked her. "I feel happy!" Smith exclaimed desperately. At that moment, Allie Way used her magic to hit Granny Smith over the head with a discarded stick, knocking her out. Big Macintosh dumped her on the cart. "See you on Thursday." "Eeyup." Just then, Luna and Pip rode by. "Who do you reckon that is?" Allie Way asked. "Princess, I reckon." Mac stated. "Why do you say that?" 'Cause she ain't got shit all over her." Chapter 2Chapter 2 Luna and Pip trotted through a rock farming field overlooked by another castle. After scanning the area, Luna trotted towards a hunched over pony carrying a cart full of rocks. "GREETINGS OLD MARE! WILST YE..." "Stallion." The farmer replied gruffly. "Pardon us?" Luna asked, knocked from the RCV (Royal Canterlot Voice) for the second time this fic. "I'm a stallion." The pony's statement was confirmed as Luna trotted next to the dark orange, gray maned rock farmer. ""Old Stallion, sorry." Luna replied. "WHAT KNIGHT DOTH DWELL IN CASTLE YONDER?" "I'm 37." The stallion stated, ignoring the question. "I'm not old." "WELL WE CANNOT REFER TO YOU AS JUST STALLION." Luna countered. "You could call me Clyde." Clyde Pie stated. "WE DID NOT KNOW THOUGHST NAME IS CLYDE!" "Well you didn't bother to find out." "WE HATH APOLOGISED FOR THE TITLE OF OLD MARE." Luna stated. "WHO RESIDES IN CASTLE YONDER?" "What I have a problem with is that you automatically treat me like an inferior." Clyde replied, ignoring Luna's question for the second time this chapter. "WELL, WE ARE THOUGH'S PRINCESS." Luna remarked in the most offhand way the RCV could allow. "Oh yes, princess, very nice. How'd you get that then?" Clyde asked rhetorically. "By exploiting the lower class, like us rock farmers, who you keep under your thumb by perpetuating your theocratic imperial dogma! The only way there's ever gonna be any change..." "Clyde! There's some fine rocks over here!" Called out a gray mare with a rock farming cutie mark who was waddling through the dirt as part of her inane "talent." She straighted up when she saw the non-shit covered Luna. "How do you do?" Greeted Sue Pie. "GREETINGS FAIR CITIZEN! WE ARE LUNA, REGENT OF THE MOON AND PRINCESS OF THE EQUESTRIANS!" Luna greeted, happy to see someone who seemed to respect her authority at last. "Princess of the who now?" Sue asked. Luna was dumbstruck. "The Equestrians." she replied uncertainly. "Who are the Equestrians?" Sue asked. "You are, and I am your Princess." Luna, shocked out of the RCV by the mare's astounding ignorance. "I didn't know we had a Princess." Sue replied in an unconcerned tone. "Well that's what happens when government power is so great it even controls nature, and leaves us rock farmers by the wayside, not giving us rocks to farm!" Clyde began to rant. "WE ARE IN HASTE, PEASENT!" Luna exclaimed. "TELL US WHO LIVES IN CASTLE YONDER." "Who lives in the castle." Sue parroted back, not seeming to understand the question. "THEN WHO IS YOUR LORD?" Luna asked, once again growing frustrated. "Who is our Lord." Clyde shot back. "We're an autonomous collective, we take turns acting as executive officer, but all those decisions of the officer need to be ratified by a civil majority within the high council." "SILENCE THIS DRABBLE!" Luna commanded. "Who does she think she is, ordering us around?" Sue asked her husband, ignoring the subject of her question. "WE ART THOUGH'S PRINCESS!" Luna exclaimed, her veins beginning to bulge. Recognising the signs, Pip began rubbing the Princess on the shoulders to calm her down. "Well I didn't vote for you." Sue stated. "ONE DOES NOT VOTE FOR A PRINCESS!" "Then how'd you get to be Princess?" Sue asked. "ALONGSIDE OUR ROYAL SISTER CELESTIA, WE DEFEATED THE DEMON DISCORD, AND FORMED ORDER OUT OF CHAOS BY GUIDING THE SUN AND THE MOON BACK INTO THEIR CORRECT PATHS, CLAIMING STEWARDSHIP OF THIS REALM FOREVER MORE!" Luna explained eloquently. "THAT IS WHY WE ARE YOUR PRINCESS!" "Listen, weirdo ponies with wings and horns tossing around galactic bodies like beach balls is no basis for a system of government." Clyde began. "Supreme executive power is derived from the mandate of the masses, not some cosmic interpretive dance." At this point, Luna realized she was getting nowhere, and along with Pip, just trotted away. Meanwhile, inside the castle, a brown coated Earth pony with a hourglass cutie mark is flipping through some papers, when he suddenly stopped. "I feel as though I've missed something." He states, then resumes his decision making. Luna and Pip were now riding through a forest. They came to a halt in a clearing, where a mare in a black body suit, cape and hat was battling a larger unicorn stallion with a blonde mane and tuxedo. The fact that both blades were suspended in air meant the Mare-Do-Well was also a unicorn. The two traded blows for a bit longer, Luna and Pip looking on, Pip with awe, Luna a calculating grin. Eventually, Prince Blueblood struck witha enough force to knock the Mare-Do-Well's sword back towards her. He used so much force, in fact, his own blade slipped his magical grasp as well. The two incoming swords forced Mare-Do-Well to duck down to avoid decapitation. Seeing his chance, Blueblood charged, intending to simply trample his prone opponent beneath his hooves. The Mare-Do-Well had one last trick, however, and levitated one of the dropped swords to eye level, then sent it flying towards her opponent. Blue blood saw it coming, but could not change course quick enough, and the sword sunk into the soft tissue of his eye. Blood gushed out as the agony stricken prince tried to pull out the gore caked blood, but only succeeded in pushing it farther in with his pained panicing, causing it to reach his brain and kill him. Luna approached the victor with a warm grin on her face. "THOU DOTH FIGHT WITH THE STRENGTH OF MANY PONIES, GOOD WARRIOR!" She greeted. "WHAT IS THOU'S NAME?" The Mare-Do-Well remained silent, retrieving her sword and blocking the path. Luna seemed a little confused by the silence, but continued. "WE ARE PRINCESS LUNA, AND AS A TOKEN OF YOUR VICTORY, WE OFFER YOU A PLACE IN OUR ROYAL COURT AT CANTERLOT!" More silence. "WILST THOU JOIN US?" Luna asked. No response. With a sigh, she turned to Pip. "YOU MAKE US SAD. COME ALONG PIP!" Yet after two steps, Mare-Do-Well blocked the way. "None shall pass." the mysterious mare stated. "WHAT JEST IS THIS?" Luna asked. "None shall pass." "WE HAVE NO QUARRL WITH YOU, MIGHTY WARRIOR, BUT WE MUST PASS!" Luna proclaimed. "Then you shall die." "THOU ART INDEED BOLD TO THREATEN A PRINCESS." Luna stated. "PIP! PASS US THE ROYAL MOON SWORD!" In response, Pip pushed his back into the air, causing a night black obsidian sword to fly into the air. Luna enveloped it in a field of her magic, swinging it against Mare-Do-Well's sword. The two parried and fainted and cut, until Luna seized an opening and lopped off the dark unicorn's horn. "THOU HAST BEEN DEFEATED, HONORABLE FOE, NOW STAND ASIDE AND LET US PASS!" Stated Luna. Mare-Do-Well quickly returned her dropped hat to her head. "No you haven't." She stated quickly. Luna was dumbstruck by this. "I cut off your horn." she stated rather simply. "No you didn't." "THEN WHAT'S THAT?" Luna yelled back, pointing to the blood trickling down from Mare-Do-Well's forehead. "Just a flesh wound." "DOES THOUGH DESIRE FURTHER PUNISHMENT?" "Bring it on!" And so the two clashed again, until Luna swiped off her opponent's two right legs in a charge. "NOW THOU MUST SURELY CONCED THIS POINTLESS CONTEST AND ALLOW US TO DEPART!" Luna demanded. "Oh, running away are you?" Mare-Do-Well taunted while trying to get her sword into her mouth, which was proving difficult due to how lopsided she was. "You big Scootaloo you!" "Hey, I am not a chicken!" came the faint voice of a faraway filly. "Shut up Scootaloo, it's not our scene yet!" "Sorry Rainbow Dash!" While you were distracted by that little exchange, Princess Luna cut off another of Mare-Do-Well's legs. "Come on Princess, I'll best you yet!" The shadowy, bleeding figure exclaimed as she hobbled at Luna. "What are you going to do, bleed on me?" Luna responded dryly, no longer taking the battle seriously enough to use the Royal Canterlot Voice. "Must the mutilations be doubled?" "The Mare-Do-Well is invincible! I cannot be beaten!" She shrieked desperately. "You're a loon." The Princess stated before slicing off the Mare's last leg. Glancing at her bleeding stumps, the Mare-Do-Well addressed Luna. "Alright, we'll call it a draw." The Royal Sister simply rolled her eyes and trotted off, followed faithfully by Pip, who paused briefly to recover his Princess's sword. "GET BACK HERE YOU YELLOW BELLIED COWARD! I'LL BITE YOUR LEGS OFF." The scene now shifts to a small village. The streets were currently filled by a mob of hysteric ponies screaming about witches and burnings. They finally arrived at town square, where a lavender unicorn was trying to use magic to string a coconut to a swallow. At the sound of the mob, the bird flew away. "What is it this time?" Twilight Sparkle dryly asked the crowd. "We've found a which! May be burn her?" exclaimed one crowd pony. "And how do you know she is a witch?" Twilight asked, growing somewhat curious at this. "Well, she looks like one!" someone else added in, as the so called 'witch' was pushed before Twilight. "Of witchcraft I am not a practician!" Exclaimed Zecora, who was clad in a witch's hat, had a dusty brown robe, and an obviously fake nose. "It is they who dressed me up as a foul magician!" Twilight them blatantly used magic to remove the false nose. "Did you dress her up like this?" The crowd at first denied this, then claimed they only did the nose, then admitting they dressed her like that. They then began demanding burnination after someone mentioned a newt. "Everypony calm down! There are ways to tell if she's a witch." Twilight began. "What do you burn besides witches?" "More witches!" A period a silence followed. Someone finally spoke up. "Wood?" "That's right!" Twilight replied insincerly. "So why do witches burn?" More silence followed. "Because they're made of wood?" Twilight nodded. "So how can we prove she's made of wood?" "Build a bridge out of her!" somepony shouted right away. "But can you also not make bridges out of stone?" The unicorn asked. Everyone was silent. "Tell me," Twilight broke the silence. "Does wood sink in water?" "To the lake!" yelled another crowd pony after figuring out the implications, but Twilight calmed her down. "What else floats in water?" She asked, provoking another swarm of stupid answers. "Rainbows!" "Rocks! "Muffins!" "Churches! "Lead! Is it lead?" "Cupcakes!" "A DUCK!" Came one commanding voice above the others. "Right!" Replied Twilight. "So, if she weighs the same as a duck..." "Then she's a witch!" Burst the crowd, who then followed Twilight to her largest scales. Zecora was loaded on, as was a duck. The scales shifted for a moment, then fell into place, clearly demonstrating Zecora was in fact, heavier then a duck. The crowd became awkward and the atmosphere tense at this. "Alright all of you, go home now!" Twilight muttered while using magic to shove the crowd ponies away from her stuff. She then saw Luna trott up. "Oh, hello there! Nice to meet someone else with a lick of common sense around here. I'm Twilight Sparkle." "AND WE ARE PRINCESS LUNA, REGENT OF THE MOON!" Luna proclaimed, causing Twilight to instantly bow. "TWILIGHT SPARKLE, WILL YOU JOIN US AT OUT ROYAL COURT IN CANTERLOT?" "I would be honored to, your majesty." Twilight replied. Taking her sword from Pip, Luna tapped Twilight on her shoulders with the flat part of the sword while proclaiming "THEN WE DUB YOU SIR TWILIGHT SPARKLE, KNIGHT OF THE ROUND TABLE!" And so it was that Luna gathered the first of her many knights. Joining her: Sir Rainbow Dash the Brave. Sir Spike the Pure. Sir Fluttershy, the not nearly as brave as Sir Rainbow Dash, who almost slayed the dragon of Bridleburg, who fled from the chicken of Irkshire, and who personally was routed at the Battle of Jorgansvire by her own shadow. And the aptly named Sir Not Appearing In This Fic. And so, with her Knights of the Round Table assembled, Luna and her order rode for Canterlot. A/N: Alright, question time. First of all, too bloody? I'm trying to stay true to the movie, but maybe I should tone it down a little. But Blueblood is such a douche, I couldn't help but go overboard. Next up, where do you guys most want Derpy to appear? I'm currently thinking she'll either be the French of the Knights of Ni. How does one pony play an entire faction, you may ask? Easy, she's Depry. That joke with Doctor Whoof wasn't too subtle, right? And for clarification, Twilight and Spike didn't know each other until Luna recruited them in this universe. They've lived separate lives so far. Just thought I should clear that up. Also, I've always interpreted "Rock Farming" not as an actual job, but as a sign that Pinkie has really, really stupid parents. So I made them similar to Pinkie (eccentric, but with some hidden depths) but replaced eccentric with horribly, horribly, uneducated. See you next time! Chapter 3Chapter 3 With her order of Knights now assembled, Princess Luna led her posse out of the woods to the base of a mountin with a massive castle built into its side; A marvelous piece of magical engineering. "Canterlot!" Exclaimed a wowed Twilight Sparkle. "Canterlot!" Echoed Rainbow Dash. "hmermmlot." Muttered Fluttershy incoherently, unable to overcome her shyness. "It's only a model." Spike added on, earning a shush from the others. "LOOK WELL UPON YOUR NEW HOME, NOBLE KNIGHTS!" Luna declared. "WE RIDE TO CANTERLOT!" Just as the Moon Princess finished her sentence, a catchy tune began in the backround. "We're Knights of the Round Table!" Began a chorus of knights inside the castle. "We dance whene'er we're able!" "We do routines and chorus scenes with hoofwork impleecable!" A bunch of royal guards in their heavy gold armor were dancing on a table. "We dine well here in Canterlot, we eat wheat and sweets and hay a lot!" Caught up in their merriment, one guard kicked Jet Set in the head with loose hoof. The dancing and instrument music continued unabated as the rich pony bled on the floor. "We're Knights of the Round Table! Our shows, are for, mid-able! But many times, we're given rhymes, that are quite un-sing-able! We're opera mad in Canterlot, We sing from the diaphram a lot!" The royal guards continued to dance about to the catchy tune. Even down in the castle dungeon, a mangy, disheveled Gilda the Griffin was clapping her claws to the tune from her position chained to the wall. Back in the upper levels, gray, black maned court member with a bow tie had begun drumming on the royal guards gold helmets. After beating out a few notes, the drummer bashed the wooden spoon she was using into the skull of the passing Uppercrust, sending the musical number's second pony with a bashed up head to the floor. "In war we're tough and able! Quite indefatigable! Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clop Gable! It's a busy life in Canterlot..." A small, sweet looking unicorn filly with a light purple coat and blond mane then took center stage. In the deepest voice imaginable, Dinky Hooves belted out the last words to the song. "I must push the pram-a-LOT!" The dancing and instrument playing continued until it to ended with a flourish, and the camera returns to Luna and company. "On second though, let us not go to Canterlot." Luna declared with a sigh. "Tis a silly place." There was a mutter of agreement, and the group rode on. After a few minutes of riding, however, the clouds inexplicably parted, and a heavenly voice wafted down from the heavens. "Luna? Luna? Oh, there you are Luna. Is my little sister having fun with her new friends?" It was Princess Celestia, peering down at the group from a hole in the clouds. "What do you want, Tia?" Luna asked, narrowing her eyes at her sometimes annoying sister. "Luna, listen. I need you to run a little errand for me." Celestia explained. "I need you and your friends to run out and grab The Elements of Harmony for me, alright?" "The Elements of Harmony? The mystical objects of supreme power, lost ever since we harnessed them to defeat Discord, which remain unfound despite the efforts of many slain knights?" Celestia nodded. "Tia, my noble knights and I..." Luna began while gesturing towards her knights,only to stop when she saw them burying their faces in the dirt. "What arst though doing?" "We're averting our eyes, your majesty." Twilight replied, aiming her words at Celestia. The elder princess rolled her eyes, but the Luna just seemed insulted. "THOU HAST FAILED TO AVERT THEIR EYES BEFORST ME!" Luna cried indignantly. "You really don't need to do that." Celestia stated offhoof, and everypony sprang to their feet. "So you'll find the Elements for me, right?" Looking cross, Luna responded "And if we don't?" "Then I'll have to distract myself by ordering 'The Ballad of Ghost Nappa' preformed every day for my amusement. You like that play, don't you sis?" Celestis asked with a wink. Luna was silent for a moment, them exhaled slowly. "We'll be back in a month. Take over the moon for me." She said with resignation. "Can you believe it? A quest from the Princess herself!" Exclaimed Twilight, and everypony (save Pip, who continued to stand at Luna's side, and was the only one not groveling before the sun goddess.) The one person not falling under everyPONY, Sir Spike, approached Luna. "Your highness, I can't help but feel we just got trolled." "Yes, Sir Spike. Yes we did." And so it was that Luna and her knights set out to find the Elements of Harmony. They rode aimlessly for many days, searching for a sign that would lead them to their objectives. Their first encounter worth noting came after a hard days ride... Princess Luna and her knights stood before a castle wall. After calling out a few times, Luna saw a gray Pegasus with wonky eyes appear on the rampart "Hello?" she asked, seemingly not able to see them. Only after cocking her head sideways did she notice the protagonists. "Oh hey there! Who are you?" "WE ARE LUNA, YOUR PRINCESS! WHO RESIDES IN THIS CASTLE?" Luna asked. Derpy scratched her head. "Uh, I'm not sure. I guess that would be Lord Muffin, I suppose." The knights looked at each other in bafflement. "Um...yes, well, INFORM THIS LORD MUFFIN THAT WE ARE SEARCHING FOR THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY! IF WE ARE GIVEN FOOD AND SHELTER FOR THE NIGHT, YOUR LORD MAY JOIN OUR QUEST! Luna replied after a moment. "Well, I'll tell Lord Muffin, but I don't think he'll be to interested." Derpy continued. "You see, he's already got one." "Wait, what?" asked Rainbow Dash. "She says they've already got one." Poked in Scootaloo, joy filling the filly as she got a chance to talk. "ARST THOUH SURE?" Luna asked for good measure. "Oh yes, it's nice and shiny and stuff." Derpy confirmed. "Look, I'm starting to doubt this 'Lord Muffin' even exists!" Shouted out Rainbow Dash. Derpy gasped, then became very cross. "Are you denying the power of our holy Lord Muffin?" Derpy asked while ducking beneath the walls. When she re-emerged, paper bags were on her head and hooves. "Cause if you are, then it. Is. ON!" "IST THOUGH THREATENING A ROYAL SISTER?" Luna demanded. "I'm not scared of you, you silly Princess you!" Derpy replied. "You silly filly you! I clean my muffin tray at you, child of a smelly sock!" The mare then stuck her tongue out and blew raspberries at the group. "Is there someone else we can talk to up there?" Asked Spike. "No, you spiny lukewarm salamander muffin!" Replied Derpy. "Now away with you, you muffin-less band of llama fur, lest I taunt you again!" "THIS IS THOU'S LAST CHANCE! WE HAFT BEEN MORE THEN RESONABLE, BUT IF THOU DOST NOT AGREE TO OUR TERMS..." Luna began ranting, but was cut short when a cow was flung over the walls, crushing Scootaloo. "CHARGE!" Cried Luna, and her knights joined her in attacking the castle, only to be bombarded with more animals. Sir Fluttershy instantly lost interest in the battle and began to help the animals, while the others were driven to retreat after a few minutes. After reaching a ditch at a relatively safe distance, Sir Rainbow Dash instantly exclaimed she'd buck them up, but Sir Twilight Sparkle claimed she had a better idea... A few hours later, a giant wooden muffin rolled up to the castle gates by Pip and Scootaloo, the latter still covered in bandages from being crushed by a cow. Just down the way, Luna and the other knights lay in wait. "So how doth this plan work again, Sir Sparkle?" Luna asked, forgoing the Royal Canterlot Voice in favor of stealth. "Well, once they have taken the muffin, which they already have by the look of things, you, I, Sir Spike and Sir Dash will wait until night, when we will take the enemy completely off guard, scoring a swift victory." Twilight stated confidently. "Who will surprise them?" Luna asked again. "You, me, Spike and Rainbow." Twilight repeated, only to facehoof when she realized everypony was in the ditch still. "I knew I should have used a list. Well, what if we get a big, wooden cupcake..." Any further suggestions were cut off when the giant muffin was fired back at the knights, forcing everypony to scatter, retreating as Derpy praised Lord Muffin for granting her this victory. Also, Scootaloo was crushed once more. The scene now shifts to a forest, where a man with curly black hair (identified in subtitles as A Famous Cartoonist) is explaining what happened next. "Defeat at the castle disheartened Luna, who was taken by surprise by the ferocity of Derpy's taunting. She became convinced a new strategy was needed, and, after much debate, decided her knights should separate and search for the Elements individually. And this is what they did..." Suddenly a loud voice split the air. "And you can tell everyone what happened ON THE MOOOOON!" In a flash of light, Craig McCracken was gone, the earth where he once stood moderately burnt. His wife, Lauren Faust, rushed into the clearing to see what had become of her husband. When no trace could be found, she pulled out her cellphone and called 911. To be continued... A/N: So, I think I've made it clear by now this FanFic runs on the suffering of its cast. But no worries you guys, only the characters I dislike actually get killed. Everyone else is fine next scene. Speaking of killed off ponies, I've got two head trauma victims I need to carve up for organs. P.S. Yes, 'The Ballad of Ghost Nappa' is a reference to Dragonball Z Abridged. I decided to cross this fic over after reading As Presented By Ponies take on Dragonball. I hope you found that funny, and if you didn't, you'll have to take it up with Craig McCracken... ON THE MOOOOOON! And say hi to the credits people while you're up there. Oh, wait, they're statues. You think you could polish them a little? Pretty please? Chapter 4THE TALE OF SIR FLUTTERSHY Each knight having gone their separate ways, Sir Fluttershy rode north into the Everfree Forest, accompanied by her favorite minstrels. The group of musicians was directed by Lyra, levitating and playing her namesake instrument while singing along. "Bravely bold Sir Fluttershy rode forth from Canterlot. She was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Fluttershy." "...eep." Fluttershy squealed very quietly, frightened by the mention of death. "She was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave brave brave brave brave Sir Fluttershy!" The song continued, Lyra oblivious to her lord's growing terror. "She was not at all afraid to be mashed into a pulp..." "eek." "Or to have her eyes gouged out..." "...oh" "And her her elbows broken!" "Oh my!" "To have her kneecaps split..." "Oh dear..." "And her body burned away!" Fluttershy was barely trotting at this point, just inching forward as fast as one can while hididng behind their mane in fear. "And all her limbs hacked and mangled brave Sir Fluttershy!" "Uhm, Lyra?" "Her head smashed in and her heart cut out, her liver removed and her bowels unplugged, and her nostrils raped and her bottom burnt off and her cliterous!" Lyra continued to sing, growing louder and more enthusiastic with each line. "Uhm, Lyra? I think that's well... Well that's enough music for now. If that's okay with you." Sir Fluttershy finally managed to speak up. "Things are starting to get a bit spooky..." She muttered as the arguing Pie elders trotted past them, arguing about freedom preserving archo-commune syndicates and mud. The air slowly grew thicker with fog and the chattering of forest dwellers louder until one voice cut the air. "WATCH WHERE YOU WALK LITTLE PONY!" Yelled a hulking figure Fluttershy had just bumped into, too consumed by terror to notice it. "IS IRON WILL GONNA HAVE TO LAY A ROCKING DOWN ON YOU?" "Oh, I'm sorry Mister Minatour, I didn't mean to..." "Apologizing instead of criticizing, the mark of a true doormat!" Iron Will declared. "What's your name, little pony?" "She is brave Sir Fluttershy, brave Sir Fluttershy..." Lyra broke in. Don't negotiate when you can escalate! ran through the Minatour's mind as he replied "She don't look very brave to me! Looks like a regular doormat to me!" He yelled back as Fluttershy sunk further to the ground, cowed by the opposing personalities. "What's a wimpy pony like you want out here anyway?" Lyra was compelled to defend her Lord's honor, the only way she knew how. With song! "To fight, and..!" "HA! This yellow puffball, fight? Just turn back now before you get the smack down laid on you!" Iron Will retorted. "Sir Fluttershy isn't afraid of you!" Lyra spoke back, no longer in song. "She'll knock your lights out!" "Oh yeah? Well Iron Will is accepting all challengers, and..." He looked down and noticed Fluttershy had long since left in fear. "She's buggered off!" Lyra exclaimed, before Iron Will caught her attention. A creepy look similar to the look Celestia got when she hadn't had sexual intercourse in a while came over the musician's face. "Are those.... HANDS?" THE TALE OF SIR SPIKE The rain beat down and lightning split the sky as Sir Spike trudged on through the storm, having marched aimlessly in search of the Elements. A castle was drawing nearer, and Spike hoped he'd be able to stay the night. Suddenly, a light flashed above the castle: A sparkling trio of diamonds. Sir Spike's eyes went wide as he recognized the symbol of the Element of Generosity! He redoubled his pace, and after a loud bout of banging on the door, was admitted into the castle and out of the storm. He was greeted by the most beautiful mare he had ever seen. "Welcome to Castle Anthrax, noble sir knight." Greeted a stunning white unicorn with a well groomed purple mane. "Castle Anthrax?" Sir Spike couldn't help but ask. "It's not a very fabulous name, I know..." The unicorn admitted with a bit of shame. "But we are nice ponies, and shall attened to your every need!" "Are you the keepers of the Elements of Harmony?" Spike asked, struggling to remain focused on his goal. "The what?" His hostess asked. Spike blinked a few times, drinking in her beauty. "...You know what, I can't even remember now." "Oh, you poor, weary thing. Come along now, we'll give you a room, Sir..." The unicorn stumbled when she realized she hadn't taken his name. "Sir Spike, the pure." "I am known as Rarity, just Rarity." The unicorn replied while leading Sir Spike down the halls. "Please, come this way." As Spike was lead up to his room, Rarity filled him in on the oh so dull life of the mares of Castle Anthrax. Bathing, dressing, undressing, crafting exciting underwear. They just weren't used to having noble knights around. As Spike settled down on his soft, warm, and very, very large bed, Rarity asked him a question. "What has guided you to Castle Anthrax, noble, handsome knight?" Spike wracked his brain, trying to remember the purpose that existed before he fell into his lusty haze. Then it hit him. "Oh yes, I'm searching for the Elements of Harmony. I thought I saw the one of Genorosity hanging over this castle." Rarity suddenly became aghast. "Oh, you've really done it now, you naughty, naughty girl. Oh, of all the things that could happen this is the worst. Possible. THING!" "What's the matter?" Spike asked in concern, pulling himself to a sitting position. "My sister, Sweetie Belle, must have lit the castle's beacon, despite the fact I keep telling her not to. The beacon is, as I have just remembered, shaped like the Element of Genorosity." Rarity explained, clearly upset. "Oh, this simply won't do! Sir Spike, I must ask you, will you spank my sister?" Spike was silent for a moment, a glob of drool escaping his mouth. "...What?" He asked. "You must take my rebellious sister, sit her onto a bed, and give her a good spanking!" Rarity declared. "AND THEN SPANK ME!" She exclaimed suddenly. "And me!" "Spank me as well!" "I've been so bad!" "Yes, Sir Spike will give us all a good spanking!" Rarity declared. After a few moments, she added on, "Then comes the oral sex." Spike's brain had exploded. He sat there for a moment, expecting some completely unexpected and unexplained thing to show up and steal him away from the paradise he had found. Yet after a moment of waiting, the only thing that had changed was that the room was now full of mares, eager for their turn with Sir Spike. "We'd better get started, hadn't we ladies?" THE TALE OF SIR RAINBOW DASH "But sis, ah don't wanna marry Diamond Tiara! She's a bitch!" Exclaimed a rather distraught Applebloom in the tallest tower of a castle to her sister, Applejack. "Now Applebloom, you best be glad I'm gonna forgive that there spicy language. Now, ah agree, Diamond Tiara is a cunt that needs a punt, but 'er family 'as wide tracks ah fertile land, an' our family needs as much land as we can git!" Applejack walked over to the window and gazed over her land wistfully. "Everypony said that Granny Smith's case of syphilis had driven her mad when she built a castle on that swamp, but we showed 'em! That castle was still standing when those FlimFlam Brothers won it from us in that parrot reviving contest! But we showed 'em by building a new castle in a different swamp. Which then fell down. So we built ah new one, which happened tah burn down. So we built ah new one, which was knocked down by sea ponies who then set it ablaze. Then yer big brother said, and ah quote, "fuck this shit", got yer granny some newfangled life insurance and left fer that there city." Applejack looked to her sister. "Do yeh see now why yah gotta marry Diamond Tiara?" Applebloom is just as confused as you are, reader. "Alrighty then! I'll go finish the preparations, while you stay here!" As Applejack trotted to the door, she addressed the two guards. "You two make sure Applebloom stays put till I come an get 'er." The two guards, a thin pony and a fat pony names Snails and Snips respectively, nodded affirmatively. "Right. We'll keep 'em here until someone comes and gets 'em." "Not anyone, just me." Applejack replied with a sigh. "Right, let everypony but you into the room." "Nah, keep everypony but me OUT!" "Right. Okay Snips, let's get Applebloom out of here then. Only Miss Applejack is allowed inside this room." "Ah horseapples, leave Applebloom here, and only let me in tah see her!" "Oh, we were talking about Applebloom? I though you meant Snips!" Snails exclaimed suddenly. "Didn't make much sense, guarding a guard." Applejack facehoofed. "Okay, that's all sorted out, ah gotta prepare the wedding." And with that, Applejack departed. Applebloom became downcast, dismayed at the prospect of marrying a bitch. Suddenly, she had an idea. Keeping one eye on her witless guards, Applebloom scratched a message onto a scroll, tied it to an arrow, then shot the arrow out the window. Meanwhile, in a nearby forest, Sir Rainbow Dash and her squire Scootaloo trotted through a dense forest, the orange pegasus struggling to keep up with her mentor. Suddenly, the sound of an arrow flying split the air. "Scootaloo, my sword!" Cried out Rainbow Dash, thinking they were under attack. "Here you are, sire." Scootaloo gasped, the wind having been knocked out of her by the large arrow buried into her stomach. Never the less, Scootaloo had faithfully readied her lord's blade. "Scootaloo!" Rainbow exclaimed, rushing to her fallen comrade. She suddenly saw the note tied to the arrow. "My sister has imprisoned me in the highest tower of Swamp Castle and is marrying me against my will!? Please, please help me? A damsal in distress! Scootaloo, you shall not have died in vain!" "Actually, I'm not dead, my Lord." Scootaloo spoke up. Now Rainbow was torn. She was hoping initially that Scootaloo was dead so she could abandon her, but this was a problem. "Oh. Then you will not have been mortally wounded in vain." "Actually, I think I'm well enough to follow you. Shall we depart?" Rainbow Dash was silent for a moment, then chucked Scootaloo into a quick flowing river nearby, took to the air, and charged at Swamp Castle. After killing two guards at the castle gates, Rainbow Dash proceeded to charge through the castle, stabbing and slicing guards, wedding guests, and even killed the bride! Finally, the knight burst into the tower room, killed Snips and Snails, and stopped her killing spree when Applebloom rushed up and hugged her. "Oh thank y'all so much for saving me! Ah though for sure I'd hav tah marry that bitch Diamond Tiara! Now let's get out ah here!" Applebloom cried in joy while making a rope out of bedsheets to climb out the window. Rainbow Dash was visibly disappointed. "You're a filly..." "Ah'm ready tah go! Are yah ready, brave knight?" "Applebloom, what in tarnation is going' on in here? Half our wedding guests are dead!" Applejack demanded to know as she barged in. "Hellooooo there." Rainbow Dash exclaimed in a low tone. "Ah'm ready, brave knight!" Applebloom called as she descended the makeshift rope. "Wait, yer a knight?" Applejack asked, suddenly interested. "The most awesome knight you'll ever meet." Rainbow Dash replied seductively. "Wanna see my broadsword?" "Ah'm ready!" Applebloom called out one more time before Applejack went over and cut the rope, sending a small child plummeting to her death. Then things became far too explicit for a fanfiction of this rating.
Chapter 1Trickquestion (a registered Brony) Fanfiction in association with Netflix presents... Monty Python and The Holy Grail (Brony Edition) Monti Python ik den Holie Grailen (Brony Upplaga) Idea formulated in an icecream headache by Trickquestion Roten nik Akten Di Intended to regal with you the amusing miscellany of medieval moron ponies. Wik So, my Brony brothers and sisters Also Wik And cousins and aunts and nieces and nephews Also Also Wik Please sit back, grab a snack and get comfortable Wi not trei a holiday in Sweden this yer? And enjoy the story! See the loveli lakes A quick thank you to the fantastic Mrs. Faust for bringing us this show The wonderful telephone system As well as those nuts across the pond who forever warped Arthurian legend in the minds of millions And many interesting furry animals Neither of the stories spoofed are my own Including the majestik moose And so, without further ado... A moose once bit my sister... Let the Fan Fiction... No realli! She was Karving her intials on the moose with the sharpened end of an interspace toothbrush given to her by Svenge-her brother-in-law-an Oslo dentist and star of many Norwegian movies: "The Hot Hands of an Oslo Dentist". "Fillings of Passion". "The Huge Molars of Horst Nordfink"... I apologise for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible have been sacked, then turned into stone, and promptly banished to the moon. Mynd you, moose bites Kan be pretti nasti... I apologise once again for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible for sacking, turning to stone and banishing to the moon the people who were sacked, turned into stone and banished to the moon have just been sacked, turned to stone and banished to the moon. Now that all that moosey business is concluded, the United Federation of Moose FanFiction writers (in association with Moose & Moose legal bros. and Moose's antler polishing and scat removal service) would like to resume where the intro was aborted and begin th The directors of the firm hired to continue the intro credits after the other people had been sacked, turned to stone and banished to the moon, wish it to be know that they have just been sacked, turned to stone and banished to the moon. The intro credits have been completed in an entirely different style at great expense and at the last minute. I'm on a drug called Pinkie Pie (which was force fed to several enslaved dwarves to keep them awake while writing this thing) It's not available, if you try it once you will die (which is why I had to trade an orphanage of children to the Columbians to get twelve kilos of the stuff) Your face will melt off And your children will weep over your exploded body Over your exploded body (Thankfully, the studio Llamas ate all the exploded dwarf carcass, so I didn't have to clean up) You love to party? What's not to love? The run I was on makes Surprise and G3 Pinkie look like Derpy-eyed armless fillies (Shouldn't that be legless?) That's how I party That's how I party I was banging seven pound rocks, that's how I roll (WINNING!) (So... that means Tom was...) I have one gear: GO! (EPIC WINNING!) (Are you bipolar?) I'm Pie-Winning! Win here, win there, win win everywhere! I'm a cupcake frosting rock star from Mars (Winning!) (But Mars dosen't have any... you know what, I give up. See you in Act 1) C'mon brony I got Manticore blood (WINNING!) You borrow my brain and you're like DUDE! CAN'T HANDLE IT! Win here, win there, win win everywhere. Let the story finally commence. Equestria, 932 A.D. (After Discord) The scene is the Equestrian countryside, a thick fog obscuring the landscape. The sound of hooves can be heard clacking across the ground, and after a minute, two ponies emerge from the fog. Boldly leading the duo is a larger then average night blue pony with both Pegasus wings and a Unicorn horn. Her mane seemed to be composed of the night sky itself, a fluttered majestically, despite the stillness of the air. Her companion was a small Earth pony with a white coat with a few brown spots. He was balancing on his hind legs (a task made harder by the bags he was carrying) and clicking two coconuts with his front hooves. The two came to a stop in front of an imposing castle wall. "Halt! Who goes there?" Called out a tan earth stallion with a trio of horseshoes for a cutie mark, who was standing guard atop the castle walls. "IT IS WE, YOUR MAJESTY PRINCESS LUNA!" The until Alicorn introduced. "CHAMPION OF THE MOON, DEFEATER OF DISCORD. WE, ALONG WITH OUR FAITHFUL SERVANT PIP..." "Wait, hold on a second, how many of you are there?" Caramel asked, confused by the Royal Caneterlot voice. "You're talking like there's three of you, but your friend is just banging two coconuts together." Luna seemedconfused for a moment, but then realized what was occuring. "OUR APOLOGIES CITIZEN! WE HAVE FORGOTTEN MANY ARE UNFAMILIAR WITH THE ROYAL..." "Where'd you get the coconuts?" Caramel interrupted suddenly. Luna looked over at Pip, seemingly mystified herself. "Where did you get the coconuts?" Princess Luna asked, snapping out of the Royal Canterlot Voice. Pip looked down at the coconuts. "I just kinda found them, your majesty." He then tossed them over his shoulder. "Maybe a swallow carried them. I just like the sound they make." "What, a swallow, carrying a coconut?" Caramel asked incredulously. "It could grip it by the husk." Luna suggested, before remembering why she was here. "THIS MATTER IS OF NO RELEVENCE! TELL THE LORD OF THIS CASTLE THAT PRINCESS LUNA IS SEEKING KNIGHTS FOR THE COURT OF CANTERLOT!" "Look, it's not a matter of where he grips it. The fact of the matter is that a 5-ounce bird could not carry a 1-pound coconut." Caramel replied, ignoring Luna (who was starting to get fed up with this nonsense.) "In order to maintain airspeed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second." "WOULD YOU JUST GO TELL..." "It could carried by a Zebracin swallow." Chimed in a blue earth pony with a musical notes cutie mark. "Oh yeah, a Zebracin swallw, maybe. But Zebracin swallows are non-migratory." At this point, Luna signaled to Pip, and the two began riding away. "Well what about two swallows carrying it together?" "Bring out your dead!" Called out a tall, slender yellow unicorn with a trio of starbursts on her flank. The mare in question was pulling a cart full of dead (mostly beaten to death) horses down a dirty street full of sickly, dirty people. "Bring out your dead!" "'Ere's one." Called out a large red stallion with an apple cutie mark, carrying an old mare with a pie cutie mark. "Alright, put her on the cart Big Macintosh." Replied Allie Way. "Macintosh! I'm not dead connabfoundit!" Spoke up Granny Smith. "Did she just say she's not dead?" The cart puller asked. "Nope." Replied Macintosh. "I'm not dead!" "You ain't in good health Granny, you"ll be dead any moment." "Listen, I can't take her if she isn't dead." Allie Way stated. "Well, can you come back round in a few minutes?" Big Mac asked. "I ain't goin on the cart!" "Gotta swing by the Surprise's place, she lost 9 foals this week!" Allie replied. "Listen, next run is Thursday, can you wait until then?" "I'm feeling better!" shouted Granny. "Nope." Allie looked around for a moment. "Can yeh do it as a favor?" Macintosh asked her. "I feel happy!" Smith exclaimed desperately. At that moment, Allie Way used her magic to hit Granny Smith over the head with a discarded stick, knocking her out. Big Macintosh dumped her on the cart. "See you on Thursday." "Eeyup." Just then, Luna and Pip rode by. "Who do you reckon that is?" Allie Way asked. "Princess, I reckon." Mac stated. "Why do you say that?" 'Cause she ain't got shit all over her."
Chapter 2Chapter 2 Luna and Pip trotted through a rock farming field overlooked by another castle. After scanning the area, Luna trotted towards a hunched over pony carrying a cart full of rocks. "GREETINGS OLD MARE! WILST YE..." "Stallion." The farmer replied gruffly. "Pardon us?" Luna asked, knocked from the RCV (Royal Canterlot Voice) for the second time this fic. "I'm a stallion." The pony's statement was confirmed as Luna trotted next to the dark orange, gray maned rock farmer. ""Old Stallion, sorry." Luna replied. "WHAT KNIGHT DOTH DWELL IN CASTLE YONDER?" "I'm 37." The stallion stated, ignoring the question. "I'm not old." "WELL WE CANNOT REFER TO YOU AS JUST STALLION." Luna countered. "You could call me Clyde." Clyde Pie stated. "WE DID NOT KNOW THOUGHST NAME IS CLYDE!" "Well you didn't bother to find out." "WE HATH APOLOGISED FOR THE TITLE OF OLD MARE." Luna stated. "WHO RESIDES IN CASTLE YONDER?" "What I have a problem with is that you automatically treat me like an inferior." Clyde replied, ignoring Luna's question for the second time this chapter. "WELL, WE ARE THOUGH'S PRINCESS." Luna remarked in the most offhand way the RCV could allow. "Oh yes, princess, very nice. How'd you get that then?" Clyde asked rhetorically. "By exploiting the lower class, like us rock farmers, who you keep under your thumb by perpetuating your theocratic imperial dogma! The only way there's ever gonna be any change..." "Clyde! There's some fine rocks over here!" Called out a gray mare with a rock farming cutie mark who was waddling through the dirt as part of her inane "talent." She straighted up when she saw the non-shit covered Luna. "How do you do?" Greeted Sue Pie. "GREETINGS FAIR CITIZEN! WE ARE LUNA, REGENT OF THE MOON AND PRINCESS OF THE EQUESTRIANS!" Luna greeted, happy to see someone who seemed to respect her authority at last. "Princess of the who now?" Sue asked. Luna was dumbstruck. "The Equestrians." she replied uncertainly. "Who are the Equestrians?" Sue asked. "You are, and I am your Princess." Luna, shocked out of the RCV by the mare's astounding ignorance. "I didn't know we had a Princess." Sue replied in an unconcerned tone. "Well that's what happens when government power is so great it even controls nature, and leaves us rock farmers by the wayside, not giving us rocks to farm!" Clyde began to rant. "WE ARE IN HASTE, PEASENT!" Luna exclaimed. "TELL US WHO LIVES IN CASTLE YONDER." "Who lives in the castle." Sue parroted back, not seeming to understand the question. "THEN WHO IS YOUR LORD?" Luna asked, once again growing frustrated. "Who is our Lord." Clyde shot back. "We're an autonomous collective, we take turns acting as executive officer, but all those decisions of the officer need to be ratified by a civil majority within the high council." "SILENCE THIS DRABBLE!" Luna commanded. "Who does she think she is, ordering us around?" Sue asked her husband, ignoring the subject of her question. "WE ART THOUGH'S PRINCESS!" Luna exclaimed, her veins beginning to bulge. Recognising the signs, Pip began rubbing the Princess on the shoulders to calm her down. "Well I didn't vote for you." Sue stated. "ONE DOES NOT VOTE FOR A PRINCESS!" "Then how'd you get to be Princess?" Sue asked. "ALONGSIDE OUR ROYAL SISTER CELESTIA, WE DEFEATED THE DEMON DISCORD, AND FORMED ORDER OUT OF CHAOS BY GUIDING THE SUN AND THE MOON BACK INTO THEIR CORRECT PATHS, CLAIMING STEWARDSHIP OF THIS REALM FOREVER MORE!" Luna explained eloquently. "THAT IS WHY WE ARE YOUR PRINCESS!" "Listen, weirdo ponies with wings and horns tossing around galactic bodies like beach balls is no basis for a system of government." Clyde began. "Supreme executive power is derived from the mandate of the masses, not some cosmic interpretive dance." At this point, Luna realized she was getting nowhere, and along with Pip, just trotted away. Meanwhile, inside the castle, a brown coated Earth pony with a hourglass cutie mark is flipping through some papers, when he suddenly stopped. "I feel as though I've missed something." He states, then resumes his decision making. Luna and Pip were now riding through a forest. They came to a halt in a clearing, where a mare in a black body suit, cape and hat was battling a larger unicorn stallion with a blonde mane and tuxedo. The fact that both blades were suspended in air meant the Mare-Do-Well was also a unicorn. The two traded blows for a bit longer, Luna and Pip looking on, Pip with awe, Luna a calculating grin. Eventually, Prince Blueblood struck witha enough force to knock the Mare-Do-Well's sword back towards her. He used so much force, in fact, his own blade slipped his magical grasp as well. The two incoming swords forced Mare-Do-Well to duck down to avoid decapitation. Seeing his chance, Blueblood charged, intending to simply trample his prone opponent beneath his hooves. The Mare-Do-Well had one last trick, however, and levitated one of the dropped swords to eye level, then sent it flying towards her opponent. Blue blood saw it coming, but could not change course quick enough, and the sword sunk into the soft tissue of his eye. Blood gushed out as the agony stricken prince tried to pull out the gore caked blood, but only succeeded in pushing it farther in with his pained panicing, causing it to reach his brain and kill him. Luna approached the victor with a warm grin on her face. "THOU DOTH FIGHT WITH THE STRENGTH OF MANY PONIES, GOOD WARRIOR!" She greeted. "WHAT IS THOU'S NAME?" The Mare-Do-Well remained silent, retrieving her sword and blocking the path. Luna seemed a little confused by the silence, but continued. "WE ARE PRINCESS LUNA, AND AS A TOKEN OF YOUR VICTORY, WE OFFER YOU A PLACE IN OUR ROYAL COURT AT CANTERLOT!" More silence. "WILST THOU JOIN US?" Luna asked. No response. With a sigh, she turned to Pip. "YOU MAKE US SAD. COME ALONG PIP!" Yet after two steps, Mare-Do-Well blocked the way. "None shall pass." the mysterious mare stated. "WHAT JEST IS THIS?" Luna asked. "None shall pass." "WE HAVE NO QUARRL WITH YOU, MIGHTY WARRIOR, BUT WE MUST PASS!" Luna proclaimed. "Then you shall die." "THOU ART INDEED BOLD TO THREATEN A PRINCESS." Luna stated. "PIP! PASS US THE ROYAL MOON SWORD!" In response, Pip pushed his back into the air, causing a night black obsidian sword to fly into the air. Luna enveloped it in a field of her magic, swinging it against Mare-Do-Well's sword. The two parried and fainted and cut, until Luna seized an opening and lopped off the dark unicorn's horn. "THOU HAST BEEN DEFEATED, HONORABLE FOE, NOW STAND ASIDE AND LET US PASS!" Stated Luna. Mare-Do-Well quickly returned her dropped hat to her head. "No you haven't." She stated quickly. Luna was dumbstruck by this. "I cut off your horn." she stated rather simply. "No you didn't." "THEN WHAT'S THAT?" Luna yelled back, pointing to the blood trickling down from Mare-Do-Well's forehead. "Just a flesh wound." "DOES THOUGH DESIRE FURTHER PUNISHMENT?" "Bring it on!" And so the two clashed again, until Luna swiped off her opponent's two right legs in a charge. "NOW THOU MUST SURELY CONCED THIS POINTLESS CONTEST AND ALLOW US TO DEPART!" Luna demanded. "Oh, running away are you?" Mare-Do-Well taunted while trying to get her sword into her mouth, which was proving difficult due to how lopsided she was. "You big Scootaloo you!" "Hey, I am not a chicken!" came the faint voice of a faraway filly. "Shut up Scootaloo, it's not our scene yet!" "Sorry Rainbow Dash!" While you were distracted by that little exchange, Princess Luna cut off another of Mare-Do-Well's legs. "Come on Princess, I'll best you yet!" The shadowy, bleeding figure exclaimed as she hobbled at Luna. "What are you going to do, bleed on me?" Luna responded dryly, no longer taking the battle seriously enough to use the Royal Canterlot Voice. "Must the mutilations be doubled?" "The Mare-Do-Well is invincible! I cannot be beaten!" She shrieked desperately. "You're a loon." The Princess stated before slicing off the Mare's last leg. Glancing at her bleeding stumps, the Mare-Do-Well addressed Luna. "Alright, we'll call it a draw." The Royal Sister simply rolled her eyes and trotted off, followed faithfully by Pip, who paused briefly to recover his Princess's sword. "GET BACK HERE YOU YELLOW BELLIED COWARD! I'LL BITE YOUR LEGS OFF." The scene now shifts to a small village. The streets were currently filled by a mob of hysteric ponies screaming about witches and burnings. They finally arrived at town square, where a lavender unicorn was trying to use magic to string a coconut to a swallow. At the sound of the mob, the bird flew away. "What is it this time?" Twilight Sparkle dryly asked the crowd. "We've found a which! May be burn her?" exclaimed one crowd pony. "And how do you know she is a witch?" Twilight asked, growing somewhat curious at this. "Well, she looks like one!" someone else added in, as the so called 'witch' was pushed before Twilight. "Of witchcraft I am not a practician!" Exclaimed Zecora, who was clad in a witch's hat, had a dusty brown robe, and an obviously fake nose. "It is they who dressed me up as a foul magician!" Twilight them blatantly used magic to remove the false nose. "Did you dress her up like this?" The crowd at first denied this, then claimed they only did the nose, then admitting they dressed her like that. They then began demanding burnination after someone mentioned a newt. "Everypony calm down! There are ways to tell if she's a witch." Twilight began. "What do you burn besides witches?" "More witches!" A period a silence followed. Someone finally spoke up. "Wood?" "That's right!" Twilight replied insincerly. "So why do witches burn?" More silence followed. "Because they're made of wood?" Twilight nodded. "So how can we prove she's made of wood?" "Build a bridge out of her!" somepony shouted right away. "But can you also not make bridges out of stone?" The unicorn asked. Everyone was silent. "Tell me," Twilight broke the silence. "Does wood sink in water?" "To the lake!" yelled another crowd pony after figuring out the implications, but Twilight calmed her down. "What else floats in water?" She asked, provoking another swarm of stupid answers. "Rainbows!" "Rocks! "Muffins!" "Churches! "Lead! Is it lead?" "Cupcakes!" "A DUCK!" Came one commanding voice above the others. "Right!" Replied Twilight. "So, if she weighs the same as a duck..." "Then she's a witch!" Burst the crowd, who then followed Twilight to her largest scales. Zecora was loaded on, as was a duck. The scales shifted for a moment, then fell into place, clearly demonstrating Zecora was in fact, heavier then a duck. The crowd became awkward and the atmosphere tense at this. "Alright all of you, go home now!" Twilight muttered while using magic to shove the crowd ponies away from her stuff. She then saw Luna trott up. "Oh, hello there! Nice to meet someone else with a lick of common sense around here. I'm Twilight Sparkle." "AND WE ARE PRINCESS LUNA, REGENT OF THE MOON!" Luna proclaimed, causing Twilight to instantly bow. "TWILIGHT SPARKLE, WILL YOU JOIN US AT OUT ROYAL COURT IN CANTERLOT?" "I would be honored to, your majesty." Twilight replied. Taking her sword from Pip, Luna tapped Twilight on her shoulders with the flat part of the sword while proclaiming "THEN WE DUB YOU SIR TWILIGHT SPARKLE, KNIGHT OF THE ROUND TABLE!" And so it was that Luna gathered the first of her many knights. Joining her: Sir Rainbow Dash the Brave. Sir Spike the Pure. Sir Fluttershy, the not nearly as brave as Sir Rainbow Dash, who almost slayed the dragon of Bridleburg, who fled from the chicken of Irkshire, and who personally was routed at the Battle of Jorgansvire by her own shadow. And the aptly named Sir Not Appearing In This Fic. And so, with her Knights of the Round Table assembled, Luna and her order rode for Canterlot. A/N: Alright, question time. First of all, too bloody? I'm trying to stay true to the movie, but maybe I should tone it down a little. But Blueblood is such a douche, I couldn't help but go overboard. Next up, where do you guys most want Derpy to appear? I'm currently thinking she'll either be the French of the Knights of Ni. How does one pony play an entire faction, you may ask? Easy, she's Depry. That joke with Doctor Whoof wasn't too subtle, right? And for clarification, Twilight and Spike didn't know each other until Luna recruited them in this universe. They've lived separate lives so far. Just thought I should clear that up. Also, I've always interpreted "Rock Farming" not as an actual job, but as a sign that Pinkie has really, really stupid parents. So I made them similar to Pinkie (eccentric, but with some hidden depths) but replaced eccentric with horribly, horribly, uneducated. See you next time!
Chapter 3Chapter 3 With her order of Knights now assembled, Princess Luna led her posse out of the woods to the base of a mountin with a massive castle built into its side; A marvelous piece of magical engineering. "Canterlot!" Exclaimed a wowed Twilight Sparkle. "Canterlot!" Echoed Rainbow Dash. "hmermmlot." Muttered Fluttershy incoherently, unable to overcome her shyness. "It's only a model." Spike added on, earning a shush from the others. "LOOK WELL UPON YOUR NEW HOME, NOBLE KNIGHTS!" Luna declared. "WE RIDE TO CANTERLOT!" Just as the Moon Princess finished her sentence, a catchy tune began in the backround. "We're Knights of the Round Table!" Began a chorus of knights inside the castle. "We dance whene'er we're able!" "We do routines and chorus scenes with hoofwork impleecable!" A bunch of royal guards in their heavy gold armor were dancing on a table. "We dine well here in Canterlot, we eat wheat and sweets and hay a lot!" Caught up in their merriment, one guard kicked Jet Set in the head with loose hoof. The dancing and instrument music continued unabated as the rich pony bled on the floor. "We're Knights of the Round Table! Our shows, are for, mid-able! But many times, we're given rhymes, that are quite un-sing-able! We're opera mad in Canterlot, We sing from the diaphram a lot!" The royal guards continued to dance about to the catchy tune. Even down in the castle dungeon, a mangy, disheveled Gilda the Griffin was clapping her claws to the tune from her position chained to the wall. Back in the upper levels, gray, black maned court member with a bow tie had begun drumming on the royal guards gold helmets. After beating out a few notes, the drummer bashed the wooden spoon she was using into the skull of the passing Uppercrust, sending the musical number's second pony with a bashed up head to the floor. "In war we're tough and able! Quite indefatigable! Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clop Gable! It's a busy life in Canterlot..." A small, sweet looking unicorn filly with a light purple coat and blond mane then took center stage. In the deepest voice imaginable, Dinky Hooves belted out the last words to the song. "I must push the pram-a-LOT!" The dancing and instrument playing continued until it to ended with a flourish, and the camera returns to Luna and company. "On second though, let us not go to Canterlot." Luna declared with a sigh. "Tis a silly place." There was a mutter of agreement, and the group rode on. After a few minutes of riding, however, the clouds inexplicably parted, and a heavenly voice wafted down from the heavens. "Luna? Luna? Oh, there you are Luna. Is my little sister having fun with her new friends?" It was Princess Celestia, peering down at the group from a hole in the clouds. "What do you want, Tia?" Luna asked, narrowing her eyes at her sometimes annoying sister. "Luna, listen. I need you to run a little errand for me." Celestia explained. "I need you and your friends to run out and grab The Elements of Harmony for me, alright?" "The Elements of Harmony? The mystical objects of supreme power, lost ever since we harnessed them to defeat Discord, which remain unfound despite the efforts of many slain knights?" Celestia nodded. "Tia, my noble knights and I..." Luna began while gesturing towards her knights,only to stop when she saw them burying their faces in the dirt. "What arst though doing?" "We're averting our eyes, your majesty." Twilight replied, aiming her words at Celestia. The elder princess rolled her eyes, but the Luna just seemed insulted. "THOU HAST FAILED TO AVERT THEIR EYES BEFORST ME!" Luna cried indignantly. "You really don't need to do that." Celestia stated offhoof, and everypony sprang to their feet. "So you'll find the Elements for me, right?" Looking cross, Luna responded "And if we don't?" "Then I'll have to distract myself by ordering 'The Ballad of Ghost Nappa' preformed every day for my amusement. You like that play, don't you sis?" Celestis asked with a wink. Luna was silent for a moment, them exhaled slowly. "We'll be back in a month. Take over the moon for me." She said with resignation. "Can you believe it? A quest from the Princess herself!" Exclaimed Twilight, and everypony (save Pip, who continued to stand at Luna's side, and was the only one not groveling before the sun goddess.) The one person not falling under everyPONY, Sir Spike, approached Luna. "Your highness, I can't help but feel we just got trolled." "Yes, Sir Spike. Yes we did." And so it was that Luna and her knights set out to find the Elements of Harmony. They rode aimlessly for many days, searching for a sign that would lead them to their objectives. Their first encounter worth noting came after a hard days ride... Princess Luna and her knights stood before a castle wall. After calling out a few times, Luna saw a gray Pegasus with wonky eyes appear on the rampart "Hello?" she asked, seemingly not able to see them. Only after cocking her head sideways did she notice the protagonists. "Oh hey there! Who are you?" "WE ARE LUNA, YOUR PRINCESS! WHO RESIDES IN THIS CASTLE?" Luna asked. Derpy scratched her head. "Uh, I'm not sure. I guess that would be Lord Muffin, I suppose." The knights looked at each other in bafflement. "Um...yes, well, INFORM THIS LORD MUFFIN THAT WE ARE SEARCHING FOR THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY! IF WE ARE GIVEN FOOD AND SHELTER FOR THE NIGHT, YOUR LORD MAY JOIN OUR QUEST! Luna replied after a moment. "Well, I'll tell Lord Muffin, but I don't think he'll be to interested." Derpy continued. "You see, he's already got one." "Wait, what?" asked Rainbow Dash. "She says they've already got one." Poked in Scootaloo, joy filling the filly as she got a chance to talk. "ARST THOUH SURE?" Luna asked for good measure. "Oh yes, it's nice and shiny and stuff." Derpy confirmed. "Look, I'm starting to doubt this 'Lord Muffin' even exists!" Shouted out Rainbow Dash. Derpy gasped, then became very cross. "Are you denying the power of our holy Lord Muffin?" Derpy asked while ducking beneath the walls. When she re-emerged, paper bags were on her head and hooves. "Cause if you are, then it. Is. ON!" "IST THOUGH THREATENING A ROYAL SISTER?" Luna demanded. "I'm not scared of you, you silly Princess you!" Derpy replied. "You silly filly you! I clean my muffin tray at you, child of a smelly sock!" The mare then stuck her tongue out and blew raspberries at the group. "Is there someone else we can talk to up there?" Asked Spike. "No, you spiny lukewarm salamander muffin!" Replied Derpy. "Now away with you, you muffin-less band of llama fur, lest I taunt you again!" "THIS IS THOU'S LAST CHANCE! WE HAFT BEEN MORE THEN RESONABLE, BUT IF THOU DOST NOT AGREE TO OUR TERMS..." Luna began ranting, but was cut short when a cow was flung over the walls, crushing Scootaloo. "CHARGE!" Cried Luna, and her knights joined her in attacking the castle, only to be bombarded with more animals. Sir Fluttershy instantly lost interest in the battle and began to help the animals, while the others were driven to retreat after a few minutes. After reaching a ditch at a relatively safe distance, Sir Rainbow Dash instantly exclaimed she'd buck them up, but Sir Twilight Sparkle claimed she had a better idea... A few hours later, a giant wooden muffin rolled up to the castle gates by Pip and Scootaloo, the latter still covered in bandages from being crushed by a cow. Just down the way, Luna and the other knights lay in wait. "So how doth this plan work again, Sir Sparkle?" Luna asked, forgoing the Royal Canterlot Voice in favor of stealth. "Well, once they have taken the muffin, which they already have by the look of things, you, I, Sir Spike and Sir Dash will wait until night, when we will take the enemy completely off guard, scoring a swift victory." Twilight stated confidently. "Who will surprise them?" Luna asked again. "You, me, Spike and Rainbow." Twilight repeated, only to facehoof when she realized everypony was in the ditch still. "I knew I should have used a list. Well, what if we get a big, wooden cupcake..." Any further suggestions were cut off when the giant muffin was fired back at the knights, forcing everypony to scatter, retreating as Derpy praised Lord Muffin for granting her this victory. Also, Scootaloo was crushed once more. The scene now shifts to a forest, where a man with curly black hair (identified in subtitles as A Famous Cartoonist) is explaining what happened next. "Defeat at the castle disheartened Luna, who was taken by surprise by the ferocity of Derpy's taunting. She became convinced a new strategy was needed, and, after much debate, decided her knights should separate and search for the Elements individually. And this is what they did..." Suddenly a loud voice split the air. "And you can tell everyone what happened ON THE MOOOOON!" In a flash of light, Craig McCracken was gone, the earth where he once stood moderately burnt. His wife, Lauren Faust, rushed into the clearing to see what had become of her husband. When no trace could be found, she pulled out her cellphone and called 911. To be continued... A/N: So, I think I've made it clear by now this FanFic runs on the suffering of its cast. But no worries you guys, only the characters I dislike actually get killed. Everyone else is fine next scene. Speaking of killed off ponies, I've got two head trauma victims I need to carve up for organs. P.S. Yes, 'The Ballad of Ghost Nappa' is a reference to Dragonball Z Abridged. I decided to cross this fic over after reading As Presented By Ponies take on Dragonball. I hope you found that funny, and if you didn't, you'll have to take it up with Craig McCracken... ON THE MOOOOOON! And say hi to the credits people while you're up there. Oh, wait, they're statues. You think you could polish them a little? Pretty please?
Chapter 4THE TALE OF SIR FLUTTERSHY Each knight having gone their separate ways, Sir Fluttershy rode north into the Everfree Forest, accompanied by her favorite minstrels. The group of musicians was directed by Lyra, levitating and playing her namesake instrument while singing along. "Bravely bold Sir Fluttershy rode forth from Canterlot. She was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Fluttershy." "...eep." Fluttershy squealed very quietly, frightened by the mention of death. "She was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave brave brave brave brave Sir Fluttershy!" The song continued, Lyra oblivious to her lord's growing terror. "She was not at all afraid to be mashed into a pulp..." "eek." "Or to have her eyes gouged out..." "...oh" "And her her elbows broken!" "Oh my!" "To have her kneecaps split..." "Oh dear..." "And her body burned away!" Fluttershy was barely trotting at this point, just inching forward as fast as one can while hididng behind their mane in fear. "And all her limbs hacked and mangled brave Sir Fluttershy!" "Uhm, Lyra?" "Her head smashed in and her heart cut out, her liver removed and her bowels unplugged, and her nostrils raped and her bottom burnt off and her cliterous!" Lyra continued to sing, growing louder and more enthusiastic with each line. "Uhm, Lyra? I think that's well... Well that's enough music for now. If that's okay with you." Sir Fluttershy finally managed to speak up. "Things are starting to get a bit spooky..." She muttered as the arguing Pie elders trotted past them, arguing about freedom preserving archo-commune syndicates and mud. The air slowly grew thicker with fog and the chattering of forest dwellers louder until one voice cut the air. "WATCH WHERE YOU WALK LITTLE PONY!" Yelled a hulking figure Fluttershy had just bumped into, too consumed by terror to notice it. "IS IRON WILL GONNA HAVE TO LAY A ROCKING DOWN ON YOU?" "Oh, I'm sorry Mister Minatour, I didn't mean to..." "Apologizing instead of criticizing, the mark of a true doormat!" Iron Will declared. "What's your name, little pony?" "She is brave Sir Fluttershy, brave Sir Fluttershy..." Lyra broke in. Don't negotiate when you can escalate! ran through the Minatour's mind as he replied "She don't look very brave to me! Looks like a regular doormat to me!" He yelled back as Fluttershy sunk further to the ground, cowed by the opposing personalities. "What's a wimpy pony like you want out here anyway?" Lyra was compelled to defend her Lord's honor, the only way she knew how. With song! "To fight, and..!" "HA! This yellow puffball, fight? Just turn back now before you get the smack down laid on you!" Iron Will retorted. "Sir Fluttershy isn't afraid of you!" Lyra spoke back, no longer in song. "She'll knock your lights out!" "Oh yeah? Well Iron Will is accepting all challengers, and..." He looked down and noticed Fluttershy had long since left in fear. "She's buggered off!" Lyra exclaimed, before Iron Will caught her attention. A creepy look similar to the look Celestia got when she hadn't had sexual intercourse in a while came over the musician's face. "Are those.... HANDS?" THE TALE OF SIR SPIKE The rain beat down and lightning split the sky as Sir Spike trudged on through the storm, having marched aimlessly in search of the Elements. A castle was drawing nearer, and Spike hoped he'd be able to stay the night. Suddenly, a light flashed above the castle: A sparkling trio of diamonds. Sir Spike's eyes went wide as he recognized the symbol of the Element of Generosity! He redoubled his pace, and after a loud bout of banging on the door, was admitted into the castle and out of the storm. He was greeted by the most beautiful mare he had ever seen. "Welcome to Castle Anthrax, noble sir knight." Greeted a stunning white unicorn with a well groomed purple mane. "Castle Anthrax?" Sir Spike couldn't help but ask. "It's not a very fabulous name, I know..." The unicorn admitted with a bit of shame. "But we are nice ponies, and shall attened to your every need!" "Are you the keepers of the Elements of Harmony?" Spike asked, struggling to remain focused on his goal. "The what?" His hostess asked. Spike blinked a few times, drinking in her beauty. "...You know what, I can't even remember now." "Oh, you poor, weary thing. Come along now, we'll give you a room, Sir..." The unicorn stumbled when she realized she hadn't taken his name. "Sir Spike, the pure." "I am known as Rarity, just Rarity." The unicorn replied while leading Sir Spike down the halls. "Please, come this way." As Spike was lead up to his room, Rarity filled him in on the oh so dull life of the mares of Castle Anthrax. Bathing, dressing, undressing, crafting exciting underwear. They just weren't used to having noble knights around. As Spike settled down on his soft, warm, and very, very large bed, Rarity asked him a question. "What has guided you to Castle Anthrax, noble, handsome knight?" Spike wracked his brain, trying to remember the purpose that existed before he fell into his lusty haze. Then it hit him. "Oh yes, I'm searching for the Elements of Harmony. I thought I saw the one of Genorosity hanging over this castle." Rarity suddenly became aghast. "Oh, you've really done it now, you naughty, naughty girl. Oh, of all the things that could happen this is the worst. Possible. THING!" "What's the matter?" Spike asked in concern, pulling himself to a sitting position. "My sister, Sweetie Belle, must have lit the castle's beacon, despite the fact I keep telling her not to. The beacon is, as I have just remembered, shaped like the Element of Genorosity." Rarity explained, clearly upset. "Oh, this simply won't do! Sir Spike, I must ask you, will you spank my sister?" Spike was silent for a moment, a glob of drool escaping his mouth. "...What?" He asked. "You must take my rebellious sister, sit her onto a bed, and give her a good spanking!" Rarity declared. "AND THEN SPANK ME!" She exclaimed suddenly. "And me!" "Spank me as well!" "I've been so bad!" "Yes, Sir Spike will give us all a good spanking!" Rarity declared. After a few moments, she added on, "Then comes the oral sex." Spike's brain had exploded. He sat there for a moment, expecting some completely unexpected and unexplained thing to show up and steal him away from the paradise he had found. Yet after a moment of waiting, the only thing that had changed was that the room was now full of mares, eager for their turn with Sir Spike. "We'd better get started, hadn't we ladies?" THE TALE OF SIR RAINBOW DASH "But sis, ah don't wanna marry Diamond Tiara! She's a bitch!" Exclaimed a rather distraught Applebloom in the tallest tower of a castle to her sister, Applejack. "Now Applebloom, you best be glad I'm gonna forgive that there spicy language. Now, ah agree, Diamond Tiara is a cunt that needs a punt, but 'er family 'as wide tracks ah fertile land, an' our family needs as much land as we can git!" Applejack walked over to the window and gazed over her land wistfully. "Everypony said that Granny Smith's case of syphilis had driven her mad when she built a castle on that swamp, but we showed 'em! That castle was still standing when those FlimFlam Brothers won it from us in that parrot reviving contest! But we showed 'em by building a new castle in a different swamp. Which then fell down. So we built ah new one, which happened tah burn down. So we built ah new one, which was knocked down by sea ponies who then set it ablaze. Then yer big brother said, and ah quote, "fuck this shit", got yer granny some newfangled life insurance and left fer that there city." Applejack looked to her sister. "Do yeh see now why yah gotta marry Diamond Tiara?" Applebloom is just as confused as you are, reader. "Alrighty then! I'll go finish the preparations, while you stay here!" As Applejack trotted to the door, she addressed the two guards. "You two make sure Applebloom stays put till I come an get 'er." The two guards, a thin pony and a fat pony names Snails and Snips respectively, nodded affirmatively. "Right. We'll keep 'em here until someone comes and gets 'em." "Not anyone, just me." Applejack replied with a sigh. "Right, let everypony but you into the room." "Nah, keep everypony but me OUT!" "Right. Okay Snips, let's get Applebloom out of here then. Only Miss Applejack is allowed inside this room." "Ah horseapples, leave Applebloom here, and only let me in tah see her!" "Oh, we were talking about Applebloom? I though you meant Snips!" Snails exclaimed suddenly. "Didn't make much sense, guarding a guard." Applejack facehoofed. "Okay, that's all sorted out, ah gotta prepare the wedding." And with that, Applejack departed. Applebloom became downcast, dismayed at the prospect of marrying a bitch. Suddenly, she had an idea. Keeping one eye on her witless guards, Applebloom scratched a message onto a scroll, tied it to an arrow, then shot the arrow out the window. Meanwhile, in a nearby forest, Sir Rainbow Dash and her squire Scootaloo trotted through a dense forest, the orange pegasus struggling to keep up with her mentor. Suddenly, the sound of an arrow flying split the air. "Scootaloo, my sword!" Cried out Rainbow Dash, thinking they were under attack. "Here you are, sire." Scootaloo gasped, the wind having been knocked out of her by the large arrow buried into her stomach. Never the less, Scootaloo had faithfully readied her lord's blade. "Scootaloo!" Rainbow exclaimed, rushing to her fallen comrade. She suddenly saw the note tied to the arrow. "My sister has imprisoned me in the highest tower of Swamp Castle and is marrying me against my will!? Please, please help me? A damsal in distress! Scootaloo, you shall not have died in vain!" "Actually, I'm not dead, my Lord." Scootaloo spoke up. Now Rainbow was torn. She was hoping initially that Scootaloo was dead so she could abandon her, but this was a problem. "Oh. Then you will not have been mortally wounded in vain." "Actually, I think I'm well enough to follow you. Shall we depart?" Rainbow Dash was silent for a moment, then chucked Scootaloo into a quick flowing river nearby, took to the air, and charged at Swamp Castle. After killing two guards at the castle gates, Rainbow Dash proceeded to charge through the castle, stabbing and slicing guards, wedding guests, and even killed the bride! Finally, the knight burst into the tower room, killed Snips and Snails, and stopped her killing spree when Applebloom rushed up and hugged her. "Oh thank y'all so much for saving me! Ah though for sure I'd hav tah marry that bitch Diamond Tiara! Now let's get out ah here!" Applebloom cried in joy while making a rope out of bedsheets to climb out the window. Rainbow Dash was visibly disappointed. "You're a filly..." "Ah'm ready tah go! Are yah ready, brave knight?" "Applebloom, what in tarnation is going' on in here? Half our wedding guests are dead!" Applejack demanded to know as she barged in. "Hellooooo there." Rainbow Dash exclaimed in a low tone. "Ah'm ready, brave knight!" Applebloom called as she descended the makeshift rope. "Wait, yer a knight?" Applejack asked, suddenly interested. "The most awesome knight you'll ever meet." Rainbow Dash replied seductively. "Wanna see my broadsword?" "Ah'm ready!" Applebloom called out one more time before Applejack went over and cut the rope, sending a small child plummeting to her death. Then things became far too explicit for a fanfiction of this rating.
