Discord Pulls a Charlie Sheen

by Mr. Grimm

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Discord, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3062

Discord approaches Twilight Sparkle with a peculiar question: How many animals are incorporated into his physiology? When she fails to answer correctly, she gets a thorough education on Draconequus biology and a lesson on addition.

Discord approaches Twilight Sparkle with a peculiar question: How many animals are incorporated into his physiology? When she fails to answer correctly, she gets a thorough education on Draconequus biology and a lesson on addition.

Published 2013-02-28 01:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-09 00:11:24 UTC

This is exactly what you think it is.

Twilight Sparkle was reading a book. To be specific, she was reading ‘A History of Horseshoeing Techniques.’ To be even more specific, she was on page 143, chapter four, scanning the paragraph concerning the innovation of using eight nails instead of seven. If she had been allowed to continue reading in this manner, she might have learned that Cornelius Vanderhoof was responsible for this idea. But unfortunately, at that moment, a bright flash of light in the middle of her living room distracted her.

Her jimmies thoroughly rustled, Twilight dropped the book and looked up to see a large, chimerical dragon-like creature wearing a sombrero. To see such a creature would have terrified ponies of weaker disposition, and possibly make them wonder if they had at any point ingested LSD. However, the lavender mare merely rolled her eyes and let out an annoyed huff.

“Discord,” she sighed, “What are you doing here?”

“Really, Twilight?” the Draconequus replied in a tone of mock hurt, “No ‘Hello Discord, it’s nice to see you again’?” Twilight ignored his comment and looked to the colorful sombrero the creature wore atop his horn and antler.

“Nice hat,” she muttered. She said this sarcastically, but in truth it was a very exquisite hat.

“Why, thank you,” said Discord, “I’ve just been to Mexicolt. Very good this time of year.” Following this statement, the chimera took off the sombrero and hid it behind his ear.

“So to what do I owe the pleasure of you visiting me?” Twilight asked, hoping that the spirit of chaos did not intend a prolonged stay. Much to her dismay, Discord took it upon himself to flop down on her couch.

“I was having so much fun down in Mexicolt that I thought I’d swing by here to get a dose of boredom,” answered the god-beast as he stretched, putting his arms behind his head, “Libraries, this one in particular, are rather dull, don’t you think?”

Twilight, being herself a librarian, as well as loving the institutions, found this comment offensive. This wasn’t unusual, as she could describe Discord himself as being offensive.

“I beg to differ,” she said, narrowing her eyes as the Draconequus, “Libraries are a major source of knowledge and entertainment throughout all of Equestria.”

“They won’t be when I invent television,” Discord murmured with a grin.

“What was that?” Twilight growled.

“Well, if they’re so full of knowledge,” said the creature of chaos, “They might have the answer to the question I have.” Twilight eyed Discord skeptically, wondering what kind of question a seemingly omnipotent being would have.

“That depends,” said the lavender unicorn, “What do you want to know?” There was another flash of bright light, and Twilight suddenly found herself seated where Discord was moments ago. The Draconequus himself was now hovering in the middle of the room, happily sipping a cup of tea.

“I already know the answer,” he smirked, “I merely wanted to see if you do.” Twilight shot the creature a half-hearted glare.

“What is this ‘question’ of yours?” she sighed, bracing herself for whatever kind of twisted, logic-mangling paradox Discord was about to throw at her.

“How many animal parts are incorporated into my design?”

Twilight raised an eyebrow at the creature. The unicorn was unsure what to make of it. It seemed far too simple and outright to have been asked by such a chaotic entity. She analyzed it for some time in her mind, trying to find if he had somehow worded his inquiry in a manner that was meant to throw her off in some way. Alas, she could not.

“Let me see,” the mare said, never taking her suspicious gaze off of the draconic beast, “If I were to guess that you were made up of…” She paused to do some quick calculations, “Twelve parts, would I be correct?”

“That depends,” replied the Draconequus as he sat up, “Can you list all of them?” Twilight was certain that she could, but the further questioning only served to heighten her suspicion that Discord was engaging in some form of skullduggery.

“You have the head of a pony,” she said, “The horn of a goat, the antler of a deer, the tooth of a dragon.” She paused before continuing. “In addition, your right forelimb is from a lion, your left is from an eagle, while your right hind-leg is from a dragon, and your left is from a goat. Lastly, you have the tail of a dragon.”

The unicorn looked upon Discord, unsure as to what reaction she should expect from him. She was also unsure as to what expression he was currently wearing, as he had donned a completely unreadable poker face. A moment later, a wide, snide, and rather trollish smile spread across his muzzle.

“I’m sorry, Twilight,” he said as he rose from the couch, “I’m afraid that you’re wrong. You’ve also neglected to submit your answer in the form of a question.” The chimera slid across the room to the disgruntled equine on a talon and a cloven hoof, poking the end of her frowning muzzle with an avian claw. “Let me now take this opportunity to give you an education on Draconequus physiology.”

Before Twilight could process what was happening, Discord spun back toward the middle of the room and swept back the rug, unveiling a tall easel that held a portrait of himself. Twilight’s brow furrowed as she noticed the picture waving at her.

“Now, let’s begin,” said Discord as he removed his protruding fang. It instantly grew into a crooked pointer, which he slapped against the top of the easel, “You pointed out that I have the head of a pony. You did not, however, say which kind.” He whirled around and thrust his pointer at a photo of Princess Candace. “My dashing continence is taken from an alicorn, which is constituted of a unicorn, a Pegasus, and an Earth pony. That’s three parts.”

Twilight raised an objective hoof and called out.

“Wait,” she barked, “That’s not right--” Discord’s yellow eyes suddenly widened, a look of false shock upon his face.

“Why, you’re correct,” gasped the god-beast, “My most faithful student is becoming wiser than her teacher. An alicorn isn’t made up of three animals, it’s made up of five.” Twilight’s mouth dropped open for a moment as her brain tried to recuperate.

“What?” cried the unicorn once she found her voice again, “What are you talking about?” Discord aimed his pointer at a picture of her friends.

“Unicorns and Pegasai are both made up of two creatures,” said the Draconequus, “Pegasai are a mix of ponies and birds, and unicorns are a mix of ponies and narwhals.” He paused and gave twilight a prideful smile. “Thank you for pointing that out.” Twilight glowered at him as he patted her head, ruffling her mane.

“Now then,” he continued, “Moving on, if you’d take a look at the top of my well-proportioned head, you’d notice it’s adorned with a horn and an antler. Now, the antler is not from a deer, my dear. It’s from a curious creature known as a Wolpertinger.”

With a twirl of his pointer, Discord made a strange-looking beast materialize on the couch next to Twilight. The unicorn jumped at its sudden appearance. It was roughly Spike’s size, had the body of a rabbit, the wings of a grouse, the fangs of a wolf, and the antlers of a stag. The hare-faced chimera sniffed her mane enthusiastically before it vanished in a puff of smoke.

“And that, Ms. Sparkle, is made up of four creatures,” grinned Discord “Only two parts, and we’re already up to nine!” Twilight was about to object again and insist that the Spirit of Chaos was not making any sense, but before she could, he rapped his pointer against his horn.

“And this horn,” said the mismatched creature, “Is from a Capricorn, which is part goat and part fish, thus adding two to our nine, making it eleven.” Twilight watched as he proceeded to remove his leonine forelimb, holding it aloft for all to see.

“This lovely and might I add muscular limb is not from a lion as you would believe it to be. It’s from a manticore, which is like a lion but with the wings of a bat and a tail of a scorpion.” Discord thrust the limb into Twilight’s face, and the unicorn saw that its paw now had fifteen wriggling digits.

“Now, that’s relatable to my other foreleg,” said the Draconequus as he slapped the feline arm back into place, “Which also has some lion in it. Note its superb dexterity.” Showing an example of its nimbleness, the avian talon gave an effortless twirl of the pointer. “This handy little thing comes from a griffin. Two more parts, Twilight, so now we have seventeen. Isn’t this fun?”

“No!” blurted the flustered unicorn, “Discord, having one part from a creature made of--with different--I mean--” The embodiment of disharmony put a mammalian digit to her lips.

“Shush,” he whispered, “Class is in session. Didn’t Celestia teach you not to interrupt?” The lavender mare’s face turned an interesting shade of scarlet.

“But you just asked--”

“It’s called rhetoric, my dear Twilight,” sighed Discord, “I suggest you open a book. That’s an expression, by the way. I don’t mean for you to actually open a book right at this moment, because we’re not finished with our lesson.” Twilight’s eye twitched in an unnerving manner as Discord unfurled his wings.

“These two shall be easy,” said the chimerical spirit, “The right one is from a manticore, the left, from an alicorn. Three plus five, Twilight, what is it?”

“Eight,” growled the equine, “But it’s--” The draconic oddity drowned out her full response with a round of applause.

“Very good,” he nodded, “Eight plus seventeen is twenty-five. You just may pass this class yet. Hold on to your horn, this is where things get interesting.” Discord tossed the pointer stick up in the air and did a flying summersault. He landed in a handstand and caught the pointer in his reptilian hind-limb. The Draconequus walked back to the portrait on his forelegs, never missing a step.

“My right hind-leg, as you guessed, is from a dragon,” said Discord as he tapped the pointer to the correlating limb on the picture, “However, you failed to add up the composite parts of a dragon. That’s difficult, you see, as dragons are such varied creatures.” The upside-down entity clapped his hind-legs together, and a second easel appeared, this one holding what appeared to be the blueprints of a dragon.

“At first glance, a dragon may not seem like it’s made up of different animals.” Discord erratically touched the tip of his pointer to different sections of the two-dimensional dragon, “But upon closer examination, you’ll find that the dragon does indeed have traits from multiple species. Given the wide variety of this, I shall generalize it and say that the average dragon is made up of a lizard, a bat, a goat, and a snake.”

The dragon in the diagram suddenly split into stick-figures of the creatures listed by the Draconequus, which ran about the paper in a circle until the chart suddenly folded into an origami swan. It suddenly leapt from the easel and soared toward Twilight’s head. The unicorn barely had enough time to duck as it rocketed past the sofa and through the window.

“Discord!” screeched the lavender mare, locking her fiery eyes on the eclectic creature.

“Well excuse me for trying to add some variety to your ecosystem,” he sighed with a shrug, “And please, Twilight, try to pay attention. We’re not done yet. Honestly, I’ll never understand how you earned the title of ‘Celestia’s most faithful student’ if you can’t even sit through a simple biology lesson.”

The seething look the unicorn gave him would have made lesser beings flee in terror.

“Now then,” continued Discord as he tossed the pointer into the air and caught it between the cloven toes of his hoof, “This agile hind-leg I have is partially from a goat, but not quite.” He clapped his wings together twice, and a new chart appeared on the second easel. Twilight’s face remained locked in a furious scowl, but she looked at it all the same. The new picture was of a curious beast that combined the features of a goat and a ram, having a mixture of coarse fur and shaggy wool, as well as a pair of horns from each creature.

“This is a Musimon,” the chimera explained as he tapped the chart with his pointer, “Part goat, part ram. Combine that with the four components of my dragon leg, and you’ve got six. Add that with our current number, and we get thirty-one.”

“You are not made from thirty-one parts!” cried Twilight.

“Of course not,” replied Discord, “We’re not done yet.” He thrust the pointer back to the diagram of himself, aiming it at his tail. “As you can see, my tail is also from a dragon, though it differs in color. Four more parts gives us thirty five.” The serpentine spirit suddenly took to the air, taking back the pointer in his paw as he righted himself.

“And where would all these parts be if there was no torso for them to be attached to?” he proclaimed, showing off its flexibility in a bout of sporadic aerial acrobatics.

“In the garbage bin?” Twilight murmured under her breath.

“Oh, Twilight,” chided Discord, “Is that anyway to respect your teacher?”

“You’re not my teacher,” growled the unicorn. The Draconequus chuckled and wrapped his avian foreleg around her shoulder.

“Yes I am,” he replied, “At this very moment I’m teaching you that I have the body of a lind-worm--A special kind of dragon with parts from a lizard and a snake--which gives me two more parts, giving me thirty-three!” His cheery smile clashed against Twilight’s ornery frown.

“That’s--” began the mare, but was cut off when Discord noticed his pointer.

“Oh, I almost forgot,” he said, turning it back into a tooth and placing it in his muzzle, “This little dental beauty right here is from a very exotic species of dragon. An EASTERN dragon.”

“What?” hissed Twilight, her glare never faltering.

“You don’t know what an Eastern dragon is?” cried a shocked-sounding Discord, “Twilight, I’m surprised at you. You see, far in the east, there is a different kind of dragon.” The trickster pointed at the ceiling. Against her better judgment, the lavender mare looked up. There, perched upon her shelves, was a long creature that was not unlike Discord in makeup. It appeared to be a strange draconic beast with a long, slender body. It bore a bewildered look upon its face, and its whiskers twitched as if it were afraid.

“Why, hello there!” Discord beamed as he leapt over towards the creature, “Pardon me for bothering you, but I’m afraid you’re needed for a little demonstration.”

The creature replied in a rapidly spoken language that Twilight had never heard before. It seemed to hold a tone of indignant irritation, and Twilight noticed a peculiar smell in the air, similar to ozone.

“Hold on just a moment,” Discord said, giving it a pat on the back, “This will be over quickly.” The chimera turned back to Twilight. “Now, my little pony, this is an Eastern Dragon. I think his name is Shen. They differ from your standard dragon by being made of the following nine parts.” Here he paused to take out a list from out of his left nostril, and a pair of reading glasses out of the other. Both Twilight and the Eastern Dragon grimaced in disgust as he donned the glasses, unrolled the scroll, and began to read aloud.

“The head of a camel, the scales of a carp, the antlers of a stag, the eyes of a rabbit, the ears of a bull, the neck of a snake, the belly of a clam, the paws of a tiger, and the claws of an eagle.”

The Eastern Dragon shouted again, sounding furious. The room suddenly became darker as clouds rolled in from nowhere, congregating against the ceiling. Twilight cast a nervous glance at the miniature storm as Discord appeared along side her.

“Nine plus thirty-three is equal to forty-two,” he said, “So, as you can see--” the Draconequus was suddenly cut off when a bolt of lightning struck his antler. The serpentine entity convulsed as the Eastern Dragon let out a roar. Twilight cowered in fear as the mighty creature ascended to the center of the churning storm, his roar of anger carried on a swift wind. At a flick of his tail, a downpour came splashing down, drenching everything.

In another moment the Eastern Dragon vanished, leaving Twilight and Discord floating on a couch in the middle of a flooded living room. For a few minutes they sat in silence, both emotionlessly staring at nothing. Then, as Twilight took notice of the library’s vast collection of books, each of which had been soaked, her face became the portrait of a fury more fiery than a thousand suns. Shaking with rage, the mare slowly turned to gaze at Discord.

“Discord…”

“Yes?”

A twisted smile appeared on Twilight’s muzzle. Her left eye twitched wildly.

“I have the elements of harmony in my closet…” Discord proceeded to calmly smile as he was stared down by an obviously deranged librarian.

“You know that you can’t threaten your teacher,” he sighed. “I’ll have to report you to the principal. And besides,” he stood up and slogged into the middle of the room, “Miss Fluttershy promised never to use the Element of Kindness on me.”

The response he received was in the form of garbled profanity.

“Oh, and one more thing,” he said, “I have Tiger blood.”

Author's Note

This had to be written.

This story (and others) is now in audible form.

I would like to use this opportunity to express my gratitude and appreciation for a certain group that found this story worthy of a live reading.

I would like to thank TheLivingLibrary and all its members for their contribution.

While I was unable to view it live, they have recorded this session and displayed it on their Youtube Channel: