The Exchange Student

by Promotional251

Rating: teen
Tags: Human
Length: 9248

Don't read this. It's every other cruddy HIE you ever read.

WARNING. Don't you dare read this; it's terrible.

HiE. Connor, a human, decides to visit a place relatively unknown. He wasn't very specific where, though; now he is learning a language unheard of in a mythical land. Teen for some swearing.

Brah. I told you. Don't read it.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-27 20:22:01 UTC

The Letter

Last Name: Jackson

First Name: Connor

Middle Initial: M

Height: 5'10"

Gender: Male

Eye Color: Brown

Hair Color: Blonde

Age: 16

The form went on like this for quite a while. Connor thought it was a little extensive to sign up for an exchange student program, but then again he had never filled out such a document before either.

Native Country: USA

State/Province: New York

Address:

Connor filled out the rest of the form, tedious as it was. He would much rather be doing something else right now. Like reading. Reading was good.

Preferred Language to study:

He thought about this for a moment. "Anything but Spanish," he wrote. It seemed like an appropriate choice; he was already taking high school Spanish classes, and he decided that he did not like the language. I'd be screwed if Mexico suddenly took over somehow, he thought.

A few minutes later he finished up the document. Now he just had to mail it in. He found an envelope and a stamp and put the letter together. He would send it later. For now though, he went back to reading. It was probably one of Connor's favorite pastimes. Every weekend he would head down to the local library to find some good books to read. He recalled one time when he was young that he had actually slept overnight at the library; as it turns out the librarian never used to really check if anyone was still there at closing time.

Used to.

Another one of his favorite things was music. It didn't really matter what genre it was, as long as the music was well-made. Weezer, Guns N' Roses, Bill Withers, even songs by J Biebs were on his iPod.

Lastly was games. That was a given though; you couldn't be a teenager in this age and simply dislike video games. Even if the only games you liked were COD or Don't Starve or Generic Zygna Game #427ville, you still liked video games.

Later in the day Connor sent the letter, and shortly after got his things ready to pack. His father reminded him that the letter would not, in fact, arrive at the post office, arrive at the address, and get approved within 5 minutes, but Connor figured he could pack anyway. It's not like being prepared ever hurt anyone, he reasoned. Part of the reason he was packing already was because he wanted OUT. He had a nice life, and a nice family, but every day was the same. Get up. Go to school. Come home from school. Read. Go to bed. He figured the best way to break the monotony was to go someplace wildly different; that was why he wanted to become an exchange student.

Besides, how hard could learning a new language really be?

Twilight was reorganizing the books in her library. She figured that all the books were not very useful if she couldn't find the ones she wanted; for example, when she had been searching for the book about the elements of harmony, she couldn't find it, until Pinkie had found it, stating "It was under 'E'!" So now she was organizing them by subject instead of title. She had tried by author, size and even by color; okay, not that great and What was I thinking, in that order. She had Spike helping him as well. Spike did not seem to know where she wanted the books to be shelved, so she had to keep reminding him things like 'non-fiction on this side, fiction over there'. "You never told me that," he would say, and eventually Twilight realized that she had gotten so absorbed by what she was doing that she really hadn't told him where the books were supposed to go in the first place.

As she now thought in her head where she was going to have to shave off time in her schedule to explain to Spike where she wanted the books, there was a knock on the door. "For the last time, this is a PUBLIC library!" Twilight groaned.

After a brief pause, a familiar voice answered, "...so is the door open?"

She facehoofed and said, "Yes..." The door opened and in stepped a mint-colored unicorn. It was Lyra Heartstrings. "Oh, hello Lyra. What can I do for you?" said Twilight. Lyra grinned and said, "Did you get the newest book about humans?"

Twi rolled her eyes and responded, "Yes, of course. You know where the mythology section is." "Hey, two things," said Lyra, a little annoyed. "First, there are definitely humans out there somewhere, we just have to find them! Second, I really don't know where the mythology section is because you just go and put the books wherever you want, at random!"

"I don't do this at random!" retorted Twilight. Then she thought for a second and said, "Do I?"

"Yes..." mumbled Spike, just loud enough for them to hear. "I don't see you shelving Spike," she said. "Remember..." "Yeah, yeah, I know, 'books on the shelves so the customers can help themselves." he said, then added quietly, "it's so lame..."

"Anyway, the Mythology section is over there now," Twilight told Lyra. "Thanks, but are you going to ever put those books with the other creature books? You know, like with the Minotaurs and stuff?" she asked. Twi thought for a moment, and came up with an idea that would satisfy Lyra and her human obsession. "Tell you what, if you can ever manage to get a human to walk through that door," she said, pointing at the front door, "then I will personally make room in the Zoology section for humans. How does that sound?" "Great! I'll just grab my book and be on my way!" grinned Lyra.

As Lyra finally left, Twilight chuckled and got back to work. She would hold up on that promise, but it was very unlikely that humans really did exist. Even Lyra knew that, she was just joking around. After all, weren't they just an old, obscure fairy tale?

Ponies no speak English

Princess Celsetia sat at her desk. She had official paperwork to do for the kingdom. This was the hidden side of what being a co-ruler of a kingdom was: paperwork. She sighed in relief as she signed this last line on the last document she needed to do. It was tedious to do; all she had to do was sign things, but it was a big stack of signatures. She was about to get up when there was a knock at her door. "Come in," she said, hoping that it wasn't more paperwork. In walked a unicorn, one of her secretaries. But, instead of the large stack of parchment she normally carried, she had a small pile of clean, white paper. Oh no, it's that "Faust" character again, she thought. The secretary read her mind. (Not literally of course; such spells were difficult to master, and considered unethical to perform on royalty.) "Not Faust; this one's different, your highness," said the secretary. "Oh good," said Celestia, "she's a good pony, but the amount of questions she asked..."

The secretary set the notes down on the desk. "It seems to be from another country." That got her attention. "How can you tell?" she asked, now thoroughly curious. "Well, it's written in a language that I can't decipher. It also isn't hoof-written. Or, at least, part of it." Celestia nodded. "That'll be all, then. Thank you, Note Book."

Note Book seemed slightly shocked. "Yes, I remember your name. I remember everypony's name." "Okay... Thanks." She walked out of the room, with a small smile on her face and noticeably standing a little taller. Celestia smiled. It wasn't much, but it did wonders to a pony's self-esteem when they knew that the Princess knew them by name, especially if they seemed unimportant. The Princess of the Sun? Knows *me*?

Now to the documents in front of her. She levitated one closer to read, and went through a list of all the translation spells she knew. Griffon? No. Native Buffalo? Not that either. She went through the list and found that she had no idea how to translate any of this. She looked through to see if there was anything to decipher. It looked to be a form of some sort. Typed here, blank space filled in here, etc. She would have to get her foreign diplomats and translators to attempt to figure this out. If they couldn't do it, she supposed she could ask others for help...

Twilight finished dusting off the library.

Actually, a more accurate description would be that Spike had finished dusting the library. It had started out with both of them dusting. Twilight, however, had begun taking books off the shelves to dust them more easily, and then she saw a few she wanted to read again, which reminded her of the other books she wanted to read, and she got those too...

Spike tried getting her to stop reading, but by the time he had noticed it was already too late. She was off in her own world, filled with books and magazines and all sorts of reading material. There were few things that would get her out of this state; things like misplaced quills, or letters from the Princess. He didn't want to get scolded, and the Princess was unlikely to send a letter now. Twilight would keep reading, even if there was a fire.

Spike knew this from experience. Even to this day, Twi was still unaware of the small scorch marks on one of the shelves in the storage room. He still held his breath whenever she went in there.

Now, however, he could get away with whatever he wanted. He casually sauntered into the kitchen, closed the door, and made a beeline for the icebox. He had bought a whole gallon of chocolate ice cream for just such an occasion. He hummed a tune of some sort as he got his ice cream sapphires. He organized all his jewels into what tasted good with what else. These in particular were small, condensed jems, almost like chocolate chips.

He was just about to take a bite of ice cream when he burped. Flames and smoke accompanied it, with the smoke becoming a scroll stamped with the royal seal. Oh great, perfect timing, thought Spike sarcastically as he set the ice cream back down and picked up the scroll. He'd get back to that later. "Au revoir, mon délice..." sighed Spike as he walked back into the library. Twilight was still reading.

How should he "wake her up?" Hmmmm...

He settled this time on something he had never tried before. He had thought about it. He had dreamed about it. He actually came up with a few numbers to make sure it was possible. ("Good to see you're studying Spike!" "Yes... studying...") Now he just had to put it into practice.

He walked up to the desk Twi was sitting at her desk, completely unaware of the jimmies that were about to be rustled. He assumed a stance. He tensed his muscles, and...

He bumped the table just right, and put the letter on the desk.

Every single thing on the desk, which was so neatly organized in a very specific way, simultaneously moved in a random direction, a random distance, and a random angle. Twilight gasped. She was in utter shock. She simply could not comprehend what exactly just happened, how disorderly everything could be all at the same time. The time Applejack had done something similar? Mild shock. One thing out of place, it happens every day.

Now?

...

She sat there for a good minute as Spike was laughing to the point where he couldn't breathe. It was all fun and games until Spike finally calmed down and noticed that Twilight still hadn't moved.

"Uh... Twi? You ok?"

"Twi...?"

Now Spike had a very good reason to be scared. He had only managed to produce this reaction once before. It did not end well, for him or the flower pot. He now slowly started backing out of the room. "Uh, Twi? Y'know, I'm real sorry about that, and you know what, I'd love to stay and chat but-" "NO." [size=8]"Ok I'll stay pleasedon'thurtme"[/size]

Twilight sighed. "Spike, you know I don't like it when you deliberately disorganize things just to get my attention."

"...Yes...?" She had simply exploded last time, not anything like this. Spike wasn't sure what the right answer was to her statement, or even if there WAS a right answer. He was treading on eggshells here.

"I'll talk to you later. This letter is from the Princess, and it's a little more important than your shenanigans." she huffed as she opened the letter. Spike couldn't help but notice that Twilight had subtly and almost subconsciously put the Princess' letter as a higher priority than him. It was a little depressing; he wasn't her number-one concern?

"Dear Twilight Sparkle, I have received a letter written in a foreign language. Attached is a sample of the script..." Spike burped up another document at this moment, and she levitated it over. The thing she noticed immediately noticed was that it was a clean, white sheet that had almost no imperfections save a small, almost unnoticeable crinkle in one of the corners.

Just one... little... crinkle...

Right, stay on task here, she thought as she looked it over.

She didn't understand it at first, but upon further inspection she realized she had seen this somewhere before. It couldn't be. No. Could it?

Turning her attention back to the letter, she continued reading: "I have had my foreign advisers attempt to translate this document, but as you may have guessed all we can find is that it is a form of some sort. I would almost like to pass this off as a joke, however it had occurred to me that you may have some knowledge on the matter. I await your response."

She put down the letter and almost began writing her own, but not before hastily rearranging everything on the desk back to where it was. It wasn't perfect, but it was enough where it wasn't going to drive her insane. "Dear Princess Celestia, Yes, I believe I have seen this language before, however I will need to confirm this information with one of my friends on the matter. I will reply with a response as soon as I can confirm my findings. Your student, Twilight Sparkle." She sealed the scroll. "Spike, could you send this please?"

"Sure!" he chirped, happy that they still appeared to be on speaking terms. After burning the scroll and sending it off, he asked, "So who else do you have to ask about this?"

"Lyra. Could you go into town and get her?" "Of course!" he walked toward the door. After walking through it he shouted "You're welcome!" back into the house. As he walked away it took a second to realize that she had never said "Thank you" as she always did when she sent him on an errand. It was a little thing, but over the years Spike had learned to pay attention to the little things when dealing with an emotionally unstable Twilight.

Maybe they weren't on as good terms as he had thought.

RE: The Letter

It had been more than a month now after sending that letter, and Connor still had not gotten a reply. His things were no longer packed, but they were organized in such a way that they could easily stuffed into a suitcase or two within minutes. Right now he was sitting on his bed.

Can you guess what he was doing?

I bet you can't.

SPOILER ALERT! He was reading.

He turned the page of the newest Hairy Putter book and continued reading, when a random thought crossed his mind.

How about I open a window?

Hmmmmm.

Well, why not?

Currently the shade ws down on the window. Connor opened it and found that there was no extra light coming in from the outside at all. That's odd, it's like 2 in the afternoon or something, he thought. He checked the clock next to his bed.

Yeah. 2:51.

As to what was covering the window, it looked a bit like smoke of some sort.

Open it.

Connor was having second thoughts. If the smoke was that thick, didn't that mean there was a fire?

OPEN IT!

Screw it. Im'ma open the window.

He yanked it wide open and immediately received a healthy dose of smoke in his face. (Nothin' like some good ol' smoke fo' yo's lungs.) He coughed quite a lot within that brief period of time. It only lasted for a second, though; the smoke proceeded to condense over his bed. Then it formed into a SCROLL.

(With a ribbon and seal, no less. The whole nein yards. So fancy.)

"Oh. Ok," said Connor aloud, who was currently still trying to process the given info into something he could understand. He looked a bit closer at the scroll. It was yellowed and tattered slightly at the edges, like you would expect any generic parchment scroll to be. The seal had a sun (as it appeared; Connor couldn't be sure) surrounded by runes of some sort form a strange language that was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike Latin.

Connor picked up the scroll, very carefully. He didn't want to burn his hand, that thing was probably on fire a minute ago! He peeled off the seal carefully as well, since he wasn't sure if there was a certain way to actually open one. His hand did not set on fire within the past minute or so, so he opened the scroll. It was handwritten, but it looked as though someone was trying to copy a typeface when they wrote it; almost as though they were unfamiliar with the language. The note was also heavily scribbled out in certain spots; specifically, he noted, when there were words like "people" or "everyone". (He couldn't find out what mistakes the writer could have made. There was a lot of ink wasted trying to get rid of the evidence.)

Dear Connor,

It pleases me to know that there are ponies people who would like to study our language. I have sent your request through the council and everypony everybody on there has approved of you coming here to continue your studies. I'm sure you will enjoy your stay here in the kingdom,as the town I will have you stay at is probably one of the friendliest of all; my personal student can certainly vouch for that. You will have approximately twenty minutes to prepare to leave after receiving this letter.

Sincerely,

The signature at the bottom appeared to be signed in a language similar to the runes on the seal, but this looked more cursive. He also noted that at the bottom was, "P.S. I apologize if the short notice is an inconvenience for you." He put the letter down and thought for a second. 20 minutes? Surely whoever sent it couldn't be serious. It had to have taken at least a day or so for this to even get here. He picked it up again and searched for anything on the letter that would indicate it was a joke or something. You know, "OMG you fell for it", "You've been pranked!", or even "Message will self-destruct after reading."

At least if it did blow up he could convince himself that this had never happened. He was still trying to figure out how this happened in the first place. Magnets maybe.

He also recalled something else; it was Saturday. Didn't they stop sending mail on Staurdays?

If that was the case, how did this get here? Magic?

Nah, thought Connor as he began to pack.

Luna, Human Relations

Shamus was still working. He found himself extremely lucky to still have his job. After the incident a month ago, he wasn;t allowed to have any candles anymore. He now had to use either air fresheners or flameless candles. He still went out of his way to change the flame though.

Today's flameless candle was lavender scented with a purple-ish light.

He finished yet another form and started entering another. He couldn't help but think of what exactly happened to the the form that had vanished. He told his coworkers about it, and now he feared he would never hear the end of "the one that got away." It was a good thing it did disappear though; his manager barged in and started yelling after he had smelled the smoke and seen the overturned candle. There was no evidence that anything important had been destroyed, but his manager decided that the risk was no longer worth it.

As Shamus finished this form, he set it into the pile for these when yet another very peculiar thing happened.

The -flameless- candle became practically engulfed on flames.

He panicked. This shouldn't be happening! The bulb he used to replace the old one was a LED! Those didn't burn! Had he wired everything entirely wrong? Maybe he shouldn't have followed the instructions he found on the internet after all.

The only reason the fire alarms hadn't gone off yet was because he had gone under the company's nose and disable the ones in his office so he could have his candles. His manager walked in, and was about to ask what he wanted for lunch from Wendy's. (He owed Shamus a favor.) Then he saw the ball of fire on the wooden desk.

"WHAT THE HELL? WHAT'S GOING ON?!" he yelled.

"I DON'T KNOW! I REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT WENT WRONG!" cried Shamus.

The manager (we'll call him Steve) did some quick thinking and grabbed the cup of water conveniently placed on the desk, which was actually less than a few inches away from the candle.

Steve strode up to the desk, sure that his plan would work. He had taken the fire safety seminar, and this was not a grease fire. he could handle this. He valiantly threw the water on the fire, when it suddenly began pouring smoke into the room. (Oddly enough, it wasn't smoking before.) It seemed to cover every surface in the office within moments. Just as quickly as it came, however, it seemed to disappear.

No, not disappear. Disappear was a pretty strong word. "Condense" was a word more fitting to what happened to the smoke. It condensed in the center of the room.

Even though everything from the time the air freshener set aflame up until now had taken only a minute or two, the next moment seemed to last an hour.

"Tell me where a so-called 'Connor M. Jackson' resides."

Ugh. Why did she have to do this? She didn't get the letter, her sister did. She didn't particularly want to go find him, her sister did. However, Luna knew that Celestia did have a lot of important dudties during the day, so she had been sent to find this "Connor". Why not a guard? Too intimidating. Why not a secretary or somepony who had a job for this sort of thing? Too confidential. Why? She couldn't get a straight answer.

So now, dressed in borrowed robes, she walked up to the front door of this Connor's supposed home.

What?

You want to know why they were borrowed?

Why do you think?

Upon arrival at the office she had ended up in, she found that the royal clothing she wore was a bi too high-profile for what she was doing, judging from the wide eyes and the nosebleeds. So she asked one of the gentlemen there for his suit; he gladly gave it up even before she offered him monetary compensation.

She was already wearing clothes.

What did you expect?

When she DID pay him, he looked like he had won a billion bits.

Really? Admittedly, she HAD paid him quite generously based on the typical price of suits back home, but she didn't think she was THAT generous.

Maybe gold was not as common here.

After a quick spell to adjust the size of the suit, she was on her way. It took a minute or two to get used to two legs, but she got the hang of it eventually. Now that she was at the front door, she was actually quite excited. after living for two thousand... no, three thousand....

...a very long time, she cherished any entirely new experiences with all her heart. So she gathered the courage, took a breath, and knocked on the door.

Instead of the teenager she was expecting, she found instead a woman, looking to be in her early 40's, answer the door. "Can I help you?" she asked.

Right. Her sister had gone over this with her.

"Yes, is there a Connor Jackson here?" she inquired, as politely as possible.

The woman almost frowned. "What for?"

"I've come to pick him up. He signed up for the exchange student program, right?" said Luna.

"I don't recall ever getting a letter that he was accepted. What was your name again?"

Think fast. "Lu- uh, Lucy." stuttered "Lucy."

"What's that name tag on your shirt then?" the woman inquired suspiciously. Luna looked down. Pinned to her shirt was a name tag labelled "Shamus".

"Uhhhhhh...."

"Did you steal that?"

Now Luna was panicking inside. As Luna began deciding on what she should do, Celestia's voice echoed, Luna, there's a time and place for everything! But not now.

Shut up, Dearest Sister.

She suddenly yelled, "Look! Over there!" pointing somewhere behind the woman.

She fell for it. Luna quickly cast a spell. When the woman looked back, her eyes were clearly glazed over. Now to have a little fun. Deception spells were always fun. "I bought it off a stallion I have never seen before, and he is currently looking for another suit."

The woman smiled, clearly way out of it. "Your husband? Oh, I see..."

"Marry HIM? We would never marry such a mortal named 'Shamus'!" Oh dear, I thought I had gotten rid of that speech problem. Oh well, she can't really hear it, thought Luna.

"Oh, that's a cute nickname then. How long will he be gone?"

"A year."

"Three months? That's nice. Would you like me to get him?"

"Yes, please."

Connor had seen the entire exchange. It had started out wierd, and had only got worse as time went on. He had also been unintentionally fooled when she had pointed behind his mother, and when he looked back the conversation almost kind of split, as though there were two people having a similar conversations with two other people. It was quite humorous though; it took someone special to pull a fast one on his mother. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Skc9bfnTCUw) It almost looked as though 'Lucy' had her in a trance. Even if she didn't it was very convincing.

"Connor! The exchange people are here!"

He got closer to the door, but he stayed out of both the women's eyesight; he wanted to see where this was going.

"So where is he going?"

"Somewhere you don't know much about."

"Thailand? Oh, I don't know much about what's there."

Luna decided to use one of her favorite things about the spell. "Joke."

"Ha ha ha! That's pretty funny!"

Meanwhile, Connor was now beyond bewildered. The conversation was now some kind of terrible practical joke on him, or one or both of them had gone very, very insane. He decided to make an appearance. "What's so funny?" he aked, trying to sound sincere (In retrospect, it wasn't very hard to do this because he really didn't know what was so funny. Who was he trying to convince?). He go this first look at the strange woman at the door. She was pretty tall, about six feet maybe. Her long, flowing hair was black, but it almost looked as though it had been dyed blue. Midnight blue, Connor decided. Her suit was clearly not designed for women, yet somehow it fit her perfectly, like it had been tailored that way. Her eyes were blue, and looked so old that they had seen everything, yet she herself didn't look to be older than 20.

Lucy smiled. "Hello, I presume you got the letter?"

Connor decided to be blunt about it. "You mean the one that flew in my window?" His mother, upon hearing this, burst out laughing. She really is out of it, thought Connor, that wasn't particularly funny. It wasn't even a joke! "Oh, that was a good one!" she said, playfully punching his arm. So she would believe anything Lucy said, but anything he said came through, loud and clear? Interesting. Right now, he should probably be asking- no, demanding answers out of this woman, but he still figured this ha to be some sort of elaborate joke to upload to Youtube. This couldn't REALLY be legit, right?

"Well, I suppose we'll be off then!"

At this point, since this was all one big joke anyway, Connor decided to spice it up with his own. "Great! I'll grab my stuff!"

Right on cue, his mother replied, "There is no time. Your sword is enough."

What.

Hold up, his mother never got his jokes! Never! In fact, nobody else did either, unless they had had a severe overdose of internet!

"No, there's enough time," said Lucy, "Go ahead and get your things, and then get in the carriage."

"Carriage?"

"Connor, she said car! Don't keep the woman waiting, grab your stuff and go!"

He did as his mother was told, and said goodbye. As he walked out, he couldn't help but think that this was definitely not the way student exchange programs worked. Didn't you, like, get on a plane and then meet whoever was housing you at the airport or something? Considering panicking to be a very reasonable option right now, he followed Lucy to an SUV parked at the street. She didn't get in the driver's seat though; there was already someone in it.

He looked like one of those bouncers you might find in front of a club or something. Big and burly, and all that. The only thing that Connor really noticed about him were the pair of pretty badass shades he was wearing. Wonder where I can get those, he thought.

Lucy got into the shotgun seat. "Just drive aournd the block a few times," she told the guard.

"As you wish, Princess."

"I told you to downplay the Princess thing!" she said in voice that was hopefully low enough so Brian wouldn't hear. (He heard anyway. What was up with this chick?)

"Very well, your majesty," replied the guard, with the faintest trace of a smile on his face.

She groaned.

Now Connor was starting to go into panic mode. "Did he just call you Princess?" he asked nervously.

"Yes. On a completely unrelated note, could you smell this towel for me?" she retaliated, shoving a damp, orange sham-wow in his face.

It's a sham! Wow! Oh wait chloroform sh- was Connor's train of thought before it got derailed. (I guess you could say he was going off the rails on a crazy train? Right?)

(Do you geddit? Cuz.... cuz...train of- ah, never mind.)

He slumped back in his seat, unconscious.

"Well, We do not know why sister dearest ever made this seem as a massive ordeal! 'Twas easy! And fun!" Luna exclaimed.

"I believe she also mentioned not to harm him..."

"Just get us back home," she said, preparing the necessary spells.

Definitely Nowhere near Kansas anymore

It was a soft bed.

I mean, a REALLY soft bed. Impossibly so. Could'a been crafted out of a could, if that was possible.

These were the thoughts that were running through Connor's mind. Why am I in a bed? Wasn't I...

The SUV. The badass shades. Lucy the chloroform-wielding psycopath. He sat up and opened his eyes. Right, where did she take me really? She couldn't  have really taken me to Thailand. Thailand couldn't possibly have beds this comfy.

He inspected the room. To even consider trying to describe it, you would have to had stayed in the best five-star hotel in the world. Then you could only imagine how much better this room was in comparison. Currently in the room was a king-sized bed, a nightstand with an old-fashioned windup clock, a desk (with parchment and quills?), a few candles, and a complete and utter absence of a TV, flat-screen or otherwise.

Although Connor did not usually watch TV, he didn't like the prospect of not being able to if he wanted. As the saying goes, you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone. In place of a TV, there was instead what appeared to be a massive radio, like one you might have had in the 20's or 30's.

This is a very contemporary hotel.

Maybe I'll find a rotary phone somewhere.

There was no such things to be found, not even anything resembling 1800's phones. He got up, and as soon as he did the door opened. In walked a...

...horse?...of...some...kind...

What.

Connor was still trying to convince himself that this was a joke. A very elaborate, not at all funny joke.

It was a difficult task.

"Oh, you're awake! Excellent. I wasn't sure if you were ok," the horse spoke. He had heard that voice before.

"...Lucy?"

Apparently Lucy was a very dark blue, very tall horse of some kind. Her hair- no, her mane- was the same color as it was the first time, in the very center of it anyway. The rest of it consisted of various shades of what could only be described as a night sky. So was her tail. Both seemed to flow endlessly on an invisible wind. Upon her head was a crown... or a tiara, whatever you called it. Maybe she was royalty or something. There was also a horn, same color as her fur. A unicorn, Connor thought. Clearly I've gone off the deep end.

"Who is Lucy? Is she your mother?" the unicorn asked, pulling him out of his thoughts.

"You're Lucy!"

"I've never heard of... oh, yes that's right! No, it is not my true name, but I am terribly sorry to have kept up the facade. My real name is Luna." She paused for a moment. "However, you were not present when I gave that name. Were you eavesdropping?"

"A little."

Short pause.

"...this isn't a joke, it it?"

"It would have to be a very elaborate joke. And a terrible one at that." she scoffed.

"In that case, I'd like a little privacy, if you don't mind," said Connor, trying to be as calm as possible.

"Of course." She left the room, saying something to a guard who was apparently stationed at the door on the way out. As the door closed, Connor prepared to do something he should've been doing for quite a while now.

As Luna told the guard to give the guest some privacy she ended the translation spell and started walking away.

One

Two

Three

Four...

As if on cue, Connor began screaming like there was no tomorrow.

Four paces. He was taking this quite well. He still had an entire day's worth of freaking out to do though. It could take a while.

First Encounters

An hour later Connor was sitting at the edge of his bed.

Was he finished?

Really?

He had to make sure; he thought he was done somewhere around the 20-minute mark, but it had turned out he wasn't. Normally Connor was a more calm and collected person, but this was such an alien experience that he decided that it would be ok to go a little out of character, since there was nobody else he knew around here.

Now that he had finally gotten his shit together, he wanted to talk to the pony who as apparently the Queen or something. He had decided "pony" was a more accurate description of what he had seen so far; horses were taller. And generally not as colorful.

How did one go about getting an audience with a Queen, Was that a thing here? Maybe he had to wait for her to summon him. Foreign customs, and all that.

Then he remembered the guard standing outside the door. Well, clearly, if he worked here, he might know how to find her. Wherever "here" was. A plan formed in Connor's mind. He'd ask the guard. If the guard didn't know, he was first off very terrible at his job, and Connor would simply wait. If he did know, however, then he'd be able to get a few answers.

Or he could just wander the halls. That wasn't a good idea altogether. He had no idea how big this castle (he assumed it was a castle of some kind, given he was just visited by royalty) really was, and therefore could get lost easily. The guard probably wouldn't like it either. So Connor opened the door and looked out. The guard stood next to the door, wearing some kind of armor. Made for ponies, of course, he thought. The guard was an almost pure white pony, who pretty much stood about half a head or so shorter than Connor. He wore a stoic expression, and barely moved at all. There was almost no indication that he was alive at all. Clearly this was a well-trained soldier.

Should I?

I really shouldn't.

Connor proceeded to slowly wave his hand in front of the pony in front of him. This would have outright annoyed anyone else, but the guard didn't seem to notice. Deciding that pissing off a soldier was not the best idea, he asked, "Could you tell me how I can speak with Luna?"

The guard, who was previously looking straight forward, now turned and looked at him. He began speaking, but not in any language Connor could identify as english. "Oh good... yeah... great..." Connor sighed. Well, plan B it was then.

"Kay nigga, Im'ma jus roam fo a li'l bit. You cool wit' dat?" said Connor, summoning the best "black voice" he could manage. The guard responded with what also seemed to be a very sarcastic, overstressed accent which sounded like it was intended to produce a similar effect.

"Alrigh, I'll catch yeh later breddah," responded Connor, now switching over to Jamaican. He started to saunter off.

As he suspected the guard had other plans. He quickly blocked Connor's path and proceeded to escort him back into the room. He could only imagine the guard saying something stupid like "Resistance is useless!"

Of course, even if he did, Connor would not be able to understand it.

He did not venture outside the room again. He instead turned his attention to the door that lead out into what appeared to be a balcony. He opened it and walked out.

Twilight was on the train to Canterlot. For once she would not be accompanied by the rest of the elements of harmony. This wasn't a magical emergency, apocalyptic situation, alien attack, or even a royal party/event. No, accompanying her this time was the unicorn named Lyra Heartstrings.

"Ok Twilight, all that role playing was really fun, but we're kind of going past weird here if we're actually going to Canterlot to talk with someone who claims to be a human." said Lyra.

Twilight sighed. "No, this is a legitimate situaiton here, Lyra. Apparently there really is going to be a human exchange student."

Lyra laughed. "No, seriously. Even I know that humans aren't real, and I'm probably the weirdest fan of the mythology. It was fun translating that form, even if it wasn't a love letter or something. But we can't really be going to meet a human!"

Twilight gave up convincing her. She actually wasn't very convinced herself; sure, she was a fan of the mythology too, but was it even plausible or believable that a creature from a species that apparently existed thousands and thousands of years ago suddenly showed up and asked to learn the Equestrian language?

They arrived at the station, and trotted toward the castle. As they came up to it there were guards in front of it, who allowed Twilight through but not Lyra.

"State your business."

"Oh, well, uhm, I'm with her..."

"Yes, she's with me. Let her through," said Twilight. The guards obeyed, and Lyra caught up to her. "Wow, you can just order them around like that?" she said, awed by her apparent power.

"Yes, but it's not much really," said Twilight, a little embarrassed that she could do such a thing. She still acted modest, even after showing up Trixie; she knew that she wouldn't be boasting, but she didn't want to go near that anyway.

Lyra nodded. "If you say so." She wasn't one of Twilight's closest friends, but she knew enough to at least try not embarrassing her.

They got in the castle as Twilight led her through the long and complicated series of hallways, until they finally arrived at their destination. Lyra was impressed here too; she would have definitely gotten lost somewhere along the way if she were to do this alone. There were guards stationed here too; who opened the giant doors to a spacious room with two thrones in it. Only one of these thrones was occupied at this moment though; by Princess Celestia. The two unicorns bowed. "Rise, my little ponies," said Celsetia. "How is my favorite student doing?" "Wonderful, Princess." repiled Twilight.

The alicorn turned to Lyra. "And you, Lyra. How are you?" "Fine, P-Princess," said Lyra, a little nervously. What if she said the wrong thing? What if she accidentally spoke out of turn? Celestia know what she'd do to poor Lyra!

It then occurred to her that Celestia DID, in fact, know exactly what she was doing, because she WAS Celestia.

Well, when you put it that way...

"There's no need to be worried, Lyra. This isn't a test," said Celestia, attempting to comfort her. "Now, I suppose you know this, but you are here to translate for our guest during this meeting."

"...so you weren't joking then? There is an actual human here?"

"Yes."

"In the castle?"

"Yes."

Lyra wasn't sure whether to squee in delight or panic in fear.

The unfinished mystery chapter of DOOOOOOOOM.

Have you ever been to the CN tower in Canada?

Connor's view was similar to this, but there were far less buildings and much more landscape. From here it looked as though he were on a mountain, and considering his experiences thus far it wouldn't be such a far stretch to think so. Pretty much underneath him (still on the apparent mountain) was apparently a city of some kind, minus skyscrapers, paved roads, cars, people...

Well, there were quote unquote "people", just not the "people" he had sorta kinda not really expected. There were instead ponies by the hundreds. Walking ponies, flying ponies, ponies sitting in carriages being pulled by, guess what? Other ponies! And every single last pony was a different color from the others around it, the entire population looking like all the colors of a box of crayons. Or colored pencils. Or paints. Or...

Oh yeah, and there were flying ponies. Did we mention those? Connor wasn't sure which was more surprising, the fact that there were flying ponies or the fact that there were pony-pulled carriages. But enough about that, let's talk about the actual city here. There were... ahem...

Small buildings

Tall buildings (not tall enough for a skyscraper though)

Cottages

Penthouses

Shops

Bakeries

Potatoes

Busy Streets

Dark Alleys

Guards

Business Men (Business ponies?)

Merchants

Street Performers

Street Cleaners

Muffins

A random Zebra

A few cows

Kids running in the street (assuming they're kids)

... basically, a whole crapload of stuff. That was just the stuff in the city though; beyond it was a vast landscape that could've stretched for miles. There were rolling plains in one direction, a massive forest in the other, and at the edge of it there was what appeared to be a small town. There was also another city farther off, the only indication it was there being something you could almost consider a skyscraper, but different... somehow. It was hard to tell. There were roads and train tracks connecting it all.

Then something in the sky caught his attention. It was a massive cloud, or collection of clouds, that were a little to the left of the town. There were ponies flying to and from the collection of clouds, so he could only assume it was a town all its own or something.

He was taking quite a few guesses here.

Before he could investigate further, though, a voice spoke up next to him: "It's beautiful, isn't it?"

Connor nearly jumped out of his own skin. He relaxed a little when he realized it was the Queen of sorts next to him. She was looking out at the land ahead of them. He thought about bowing, but decided not to considering he was just assuming a whole crapload of stuff.

And you know what happens when you assume...

You make an ASS out of U and ME lolololoololololkjkjhjbmnchjhfjgvkjghljhjkhgl;kjfaslkjbDEAD.

...Ahem.

Anyway, he decided he would grace the queen with his response. "Y-yes, it is," he said. She looked over to him. "I suppose you've already seen the city?" "Nope," said Connor, a little sarcastically. He even stretched his neck a little, just to make the reference that much more apparent. It would be very hard to miss the city that was literally right in front of him. Luna, meanwhile, had not picked up on his sarcasm and was a little confused. "But- it's right in front of you! Look, there it is!"

Connor wasn't sure how to respond to that. "Uh... it was a joke..."

"Oh... um... ha ha?" She smiled awkwardly at him, and for a second he swore he heard a faint toy squeaker or something.

Silence.

"... How about we try this again?" said Connor.

"Yes, of course." responded Luna, and cleared her throat a little. "My name is Princess Luna, co-ruler of Equestria, Princess of the Night. And you?"

"Connor Jackson. Was there a reason you came to see me, your highness?"

"Yes, I am to escort you to a meeting with my sister and I," she replied, walking back to the room. "We will review the details of your stay there."

"Alright then, let's go," he said, walking back in as well. She knocked on the door and it was opened from the outside (courtesy of a guard), and they walked out side by side. Deciding that this might take a while, he struck up a conversation. "So, you're a unicorn."

"An alicorn, actually," corrected Luna.

Connor raised an eyebrow. "The difference being?" He suddenly got poked by- feathers? He looked to the side. Yes, they were feathers alright, attached to a wing, attached to the Princess. "These," she said simply, and flexed them a little for emphasis before refolding them back to her sides.

... How had he missed those before?

"Can you actually fly with those?" he said, already knowing what the answer probably was. "Yes, as well as my sister and all pegasai," she replied, "why, have you not any pegasai in your homeland?"

"No, not really. Or any unicorns for that matter. Or even talking ponies. Speaking of which, what language does the guard outside of my door speak? I tried asking him something, but he didn't really answer me," said Connor.

"He speaks Equestrian, just as most other ponies do," she replied.

"Does that mean you speak Equestrian too?" he asked.

"Right now I am speaking Equestrian," she replied, "I am merely using a translation spell so that you and I may understand each other."

Connor blinked and thought about it for a second. "Oh right, magic, yeah. Is that what you did with my mother back there?"

"Her? I used a spell of deception for that. It is one of my favorite spells because you can get away with saying most anything," she said, smiling. "It will make the target hear only what they want to hear, or what you suggest the spell to say. Don't tell Celestia, but I think I enjoy using it too much."

Which explains the whole "joke" thing back there, thought Connor, and a few other things.

"Who is Celestia?" he asked.

"Oh, she is my sister," she said, "It occurs to me I should have mentioned that earlier. And just in time, as well, we are here." The two paused briefly at a giant set of double doors.

Luna walked right in, but Connor stayed behind for a brief second, given that he had no idea what was really behind those doors. He decided that being nervous and waiting here wasn't going to help anyone, and he walked through the now slightly-open doors.

Lyra only had to wait a minute, but those entire sixty seconds seemed like an hour. She couldn't believe it; a real human in Equestria? Unheard of! She could only imagine how accurate the stories were.

At the end of that minute she realized she didn't have to anymore, signified by the arrival of Luna, and then shortly after the human.

She was in awe of the creature, yeah, but she had almost expected a little... more. She had thought him to be a giant in comparison, but in reality he was only about a head taller than her. He wasn't very muscular, his clothes were a little ragged, he wasn't wielding a club or a katana or anything, and worst of all, he didn't have big, cute eyes like those ancient texts they dug up!

It was actually disappointing.

But, there it was, one human, as promised. It looked a bit scared, or nervous, or at least out of it's comfort zone. She found that although the human's face was quite different from a ponies, it was still relatively easy to read. She then realized that she was staring, but only after the human actually blushed a little and looked away. So that means that they were pretty intelligent! Lyra thought. Then after a few seconds she realized she should really stop staring.

"Hello, Connor Jackson," said Princess Celestia, "Are you enjoying your stay thus far?"

"Y-yes, Princess," he stuttered. The voice confirmed two things for Lyra. First, it was obviously a he. Second, he was speaking perfect Equestrian.

But I thought they spoke English, Lyra thought, This can't be right!

"Good," Celestia replied "Now, do you know why you are here?"

"Not really, no," he said, "Is it... uh... ok if I ask why exactly?"

"Of course," she said, "I'm sure it's been a little confusing thus far. You sent out the form to become an exchange student, yes?"

"Yes... what does that have to do with it?"

"We received the form. Would you like to stay here in our land of Equestria to learn our language? From what I can infer, Equestrian is not 'Spanish' as you call it."

"... I suppose I wouldn't mind," said Connor, "But what's the point if you have these translation spells? I don't really need to learn the language

MLP: Flames are Hazardous

Shamus sat at his desk. His job was to check and approve exchange student forms. He would type the info in the computer if it was complete,  and send it back if it wasn't. He was in his thirties and had been doing this for a year at least. He lost track of how many forms he went through.

There were a couple different things on his desk. Pens, stapler, aroma candles, Post-its-

Aroma candles?

What were THOSE doing on a wooden desk filled with paper?

And in the possession of a thirty-year old man?

Shamus knew the fire risk, but he figured that the easiest way to make it seem less like he was in an office was to make it so that it didn't smell like one. His coworkers teased him at first, and eventually stopped caring, only flaring back up a little after he began adding chemicals to make the flames a different color (for effect).

Today's candle was cinnamon-scented with a reddish flame.

Shamus filed away yet another form, and decided he needed a short break. He opened up his email and found it was cluttered with junk mail. He almost cleared out his inbox, but then he saw something interesting. It was a message from one of his coworkers.

The subject was titled, "Really hard maze can you beat it?" Curious, he opened it and clicked on the link. It brought up a maze game. (what a surprise.) The first level was easy enough. the second was a little challenging. The third one started off easy and ended with barely enough room for the mouse. He frowned as he began to navigate it...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHGHHHH!!!!

His computer screamed at him and displayed a very creepy face.

Shamus jumped a good 5 inches off his chair and managed to bump his desk. Hard.

This, of course, knocked over the candle on his desk.

He started panicking has he realized that one of the forms scattered across his desk was on fire. On an impulse he picked it up-

...as it dissipated into smoke...

... and drifted out the open window...?

That form, of course, was Connor's. Who else would it have been? That would've made everything written thus far seem way too far out of place.

Derpy had finally finished delivering all the mail. She was now residing at home, and was finishing making another batch of muffins. After Applejack had showed her how to make her own signature apple muffins, she spent a good part of her spare time making those delicious pastries. It had been a long day for the mail pony, and now she needed sustenance.

Or as she sometimes put it, "Momma gun need herself some muffins."

Ding went the oven timer, the loveliest sound in Equestria. Now she could get what she had worked for. She carefully took out the pan, and from it got a muffin. She was about to eat it when she saw smoke.

Oh noes! Had she burned something? She quickly set down the pastry and looked for the source. Finding none, she looked back at the counter and found a short stack of paper where her muffin should have been.

Oh, was it a letter? Maybe it was for the Princess. There had been a few times previously when Twilight's Friendship reports had been sent a little off course; or so she had heard. So maybe she should send it to her. Looking at the papers more closely now, she noticed what exactly was in the letter.

Foreign language? Check.

Official-looking? Check.

Signed? A bit oddly, but check there too.

Yep, this was for the Princess.

Derpy sighed as she realized that her muffins would have to wait. She got her mailbag and a muffin for the road, and headed out to send the letter. She took off the ground and bit into her muffin. Mmmmm, perfect, she thought.

Cancell'd

IT'S OVEEEEEEEEER. :raritydespair: