The (Supposed) Dangers of Humanity

by Mr Anomalous

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Human, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rarity, Fluttershy, Original Character, Comedy
Length: 3461

One night, the power in my house goes out. The reason for this, is something greater then I could have ever imagined.

A self-insert, mostly done to make your sides sore.

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One night, after finishing my latest song, I begin to upload it to YouTube, and I sit back and begin flipping through an issue of Gameinformer to pass the time. And then it goes dark. Twhat?

This is the story of how I, pretty much, unintentionally become a fugitive in the land of Equestria.

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I will get a self-insert on this website, a good one, if it kills me!

Published 2013-03-01 03:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-09-11 21:31:48 UTC

The Dark of The Night

The Dark of The Night:

Success! Haha! Finally! It took all day, but here it is. My new song. Of course, I'm no Omnipony, but I consider myself pretty decent for someone who just barley started out.

I hurried and converted the song, added the background picture, went to YouTube, and began uploading. The fact that my internet isn't really the greatest, and that fact that my computer is a Microsoft product means that uploading a video isn't the fastest thing in the world. Usually, I just open up MineCraft while I wait, but I didn't really feel like it, so I just swiveled around on my office chair, snatched up the newest issue of Gameinformer, the one about The Witcher 3, (excited) and began to flip through the pages.

It was quite throughout the house, mostly because I was home alone. The rest of my family had gone out to my sister's cheer competition (Cheerleading isn't a sport!) and I decided to stay. Because I hate human interaction. And the sun. It burns...

In fact, it was too quite. I sat back up and, since the computer was pre-occupied, used my MP3 player to crank up some music. Epic Score - Creator of Worlds to be exact. I'm not exactly sure, but whenever I listen to the song, images of world domination drifts through my mind. Muahahaha...

Anyway, I picked up the gaming magazine again and began reading an article on..what what is? Oh yeah, Bioshock infinite.

So there was I, a giant Nerdicus Losericus, sitting back, listening to some pretty dang good music, reading about a game that looks awesome, when I was enveloped in blackness. It was dark out, no sun, so, obviously, absence of electronic light means some pretty deep darkness.

"Crap!"

I'd have to start uploading my song all over again....nooo....

I huffed in frustration, took off my headphones, and waited, rather impatiently, for my eyes to adjust. They did, eventually, and I got up. I checked my light switch. Nope. I opened the door and realized that it was rather cold.

Traveling through my living room, kitchen, and down the stairs, I found the wood stove. I picked up the long, black crowbar which lay there, propped against the walls in the corner, and used the end to lift the black, circular lid off of the fireplace. Peering inside, I saw that, yes indeed, it was almost out.

I looked over and grabbed a few logs from the ground and put them inside. I took a deep breath and steadily emptied my lungs inside, causing the orange flames to come to life more then ever before. Success.

I went back upstairs, yep it was warmer, and sat down on my bed. After sitting there for a while, I reached over and grabbed my MP3 player and magazine. Attempting to read the papers was useless, far too dark, but I could still listen to music.

I listened to my entire Pony playlist, and nothing had happened. Rah.

I got up and decided to take a walk in the snowy outside, and pretend to be a future soldier in the frozen apocalypse. No, maturity has not found its way to me yet.

I walked back through the living room, taking note of the dark couches so I didn't walk into them and injure my manhood, and found the door. I grasped the doorknob and pulled it open. I was immediately attacked by a flurry of snow.

My inner-nerd spoke to me and told me to shut the door. I obeyed, with pleasure.

Holy Crap! How had I not noticed such a massive blizzard before now!?

Whew. I was quite surprised. It was winter, but massive blizzards like that are rare, even in Idaho, land of the potatoes and unpredictable weather.

Maybe the snow had blocked out the electricity? Gah, I really hoped that this power outage wouldn't last forever. I need my computer....

What to do, what to do? Blargh. I decided to risk it yet again outside, (better freezing to death then being bored to death) and donned my heavier gear. My imagination was completely free at this point, and I really wished that I had a gas mask. Maybe I could be in Lost Planet or something.

I successfully braved the front door and walked onto my front porch. I couldn't see crap.

Wow. This is freaking insane.

I walked down the stairs and, when I reached the ground, I slipped and landed on my backside.

The jolt of pain found its way along the entire length of my spine.

Uh....ow.

So I sat there in the snow for a while, trying to overcome my pain. After I succeeded with that - took me a while - I got back up. It was still really slippery. Unusually slippery. Ridiculously unusually slippery. I walked off in front, and I realized something strange. The tree. There was a small birch tree out front. It wasn't there.

Where am I, Hoth?

Nerp. Better.

I shrugged and decided that I probably just missed it and continued into what I was pretty sure was the road. It was at that point that my stomach disappeared. I was falling, and there was snow all up in my coat, and it freaking sucked. But landing on something really hard was a lot more suckish.

That's exactly what happened, I landed on something. And it was alive.

As my body, not exactly large, slipped down what I estimated to be a six foot drop, I landed gut-first onto a broad back. It wasn't someone's head.

There was a cry of surprise and I took whatever it was down with me to the ground.

"Woah, woah, sorry dude, it's just...what the frik'? I don't remember a small cliff out in my front yard. You alright?"

Yes, it was snowing heavily, so I didn't see that who I landed on wasn't exactly...normal, at this point.

"'Ello?"

Well, whoever it was got their revenge soon enough. I got the wind knocked out of my and I was soon on my back.

"Hey! I said I was sorry!"

I began to struggle, kicking and lashing out. Suddenly, a deep voice penetrated the howling wind of the blizzard.

"In the name of The Crystal Empire, you are under arrest for the assault of The Captain of the Royal Guard!"

Alright. Deep familiar voice. Crystal Empire. Captain of the Royal Guard. By Jove, I'm in-

That thought never got finished, as I was interpreted by...a light. A blue light. And then I was asleep. Twhat?

The Light of Day, & I Have a Headache

The Light of Day, & I Have a Headache:

Well, after being rather rudely and magically knocked unconscious by who I believe is Shining Armor, I had a dream. Surprisingly, not about ponies. I really would have rather liked to dream about ponies, but no. You know how dreams are, weird, unpredictable...

Anyways, this specific dream that I had, and the specific nature of it, could not of happened at a worse time. Taking moments earlier from the day, specifically my imaginary world domination while listening to Epic Music, this song specifically:

Youtube Video

Awesome, huh? You can't tell me that thoughts of the death of your foes appear while listening to that. Or maybe that's just me...my mother has told me that I was special...on multiple occasions....

Whatever, continuing, I was dreaming about a little country that I made up on my own. Like I said, my imagination roams free, un-hindered. I call it the "Periculum Empire.' My soldiers are based off of the helghasts from Killzone because, well, they are freaking Bad-A in almost every single way.

Yes, I dominate the world with these soldiers of mine. It was a very violent dream, lots of explosions, and lots of scenes with me leading my men into battle, charging like the Soviets in World War II. It was glorious. Explosions, bullets... blood....muahahah....

Eventually, though, my dream ended. Awww, I was just beheading the leader of the last standing country to oppose my great Empire!

Two axe-swings in, I was jolted awake by a sound that my dreary mind had issues identifying at first. After a few seconds, though, I realized that it was a scream. Not a scream of pain, more like a horrified shriek. It was female, very high-pitched. It sounded familiar as well.

I found the strength to open my eyes, (Shining Armor, if that's who that was, did a very good job at putting me a sleep. I literally had to find strength just to lift my eyelids.) and immediately closed them again. The sun. It burns...

And the epic headache didn't help.

After scrunching my eyes closed yet again. I listened for any more screaming. All I heard was my own breath and heavy heartbeat. I strained to listen for anything else and detected the sound of several more pairs of lungs. They were all quite. Were they going to slit my throat in my sleep something?

Then, my eyes still boiling, my limbs still lead, the silence was broken by what sounded like hoof-clops. Well, I'm pretty dang sure that I'm in Equestria now.

I heard the intake of whichever pony was about to speak to me but I lifted up my hand, cutting them off.

"Okay," deep breath, "Um...am I in...Equestria?"

There was a collective gasp. I decided to take that as a yes. Several voices, all female, began to murmur. I couldn't pick out anything, but I imagine that it was something like, "Did it just speak? In Equestrian? How'd it learn Equestrian?" or, "How did it know where it was?"

Maybe...maybe I could be a God....

I forced my excitement down I managed to speak calmly.

"Well, if my ears do not deceive me, then the present ponies in the room are Twilight Sparkle, though I am unsure whether or not she is a Alicorn at this time, the bearer of magic," I decided to continue on two-by-two, the races.

"Then, that shriek, from Rarity, the bearer of generosity, Fluttershy, the bearer of kindness, Rainbow Dash, the bearer of loyalty, one of the fastest ponies in Equestria, Pinkie Pie, element of laughter, and then Applejack, the strong farm pony who is always honest."

The response that I received was complete silence. Birds chirping maybe.

Then the pony who had approached me began to speak, and I let her.

"I believe, sir, if you are indeed male, that you have forgotten me, The Princess of The Night, and my elder sister, Princess Celestia."

I nodded, "Yes, I am a male, and I know you two as well, the rulers of Equestria."

I finally began to get the feeling back in my body. First thing I feel is my head. Yes, giant headache, but, thank the lord, my hat is still there. My face is numb. I'm laying down on something soft...

I open my eyes and sit up. Another collective gasp.

I shield my eyes. When I finally manage to see clearly, the first thing I was was bars. I had been laying down on a bunk. I was in some sort of cell. Beyond that were the Mane Six - Twilight was indeed a Princess - and Luna and Celestia.

It appeared as if I were in the palace in the Crystal Empire.

Wow....I'm actually here...but why am I in a cell?

"Why am I locked up?"

Princess Celestia cleared her throat.

"Well, as I am assuming that you know, I have much power, as does my sister Luna."

I nodded, "Yes."

"I have the ability to...how should I put it...look into different worlds."

"Ah, so you know about us humans?"

"That is correct."

"Okay....that still doesn't explain why I'm behind bars."

"Please, human, let me finish. I have seen your world, and I have seen what it is like. It was not Shining Armor who imprisoned you, it was I."

I was silent for a while. Then, "Princess Celestia I understand your concerns. Things happen back in my world that would not happen here in anyone's deepest, darkest most twisted nightmares."

I looked her in the eye, "But I assure you. I would never intentionally harm you or any of your subjects. In a way, I can peer into your world as well, and it had been one of my greatest dreams to come here. I would not ruin it."

The majestic creature was looking at me with a raised eyebrow. Was I not very convincing?

"You must understand that, when Shining Armor called me here to look at you, I did not plan to bind you. The reason that you are behind bars is because of your dreams."

Wow. This is like that story that I wrote, a Human in an Equestrian Asylum. It's about a guy who gets sent to Equestria, but is institutionalized because of his dreams....

"My dreams?"

"Yes, Human, we were all watching your dream. That is why you are where you are."

"So....you saw me burn my world?"

"Yes," her voice was cold. Not emotional in any way.

I took a deep breath. What an interesting predicament I had myself in. I stood up, and made the ponies step back a bit as I walked over to the bars.

Then I smiled. I began to laugh. Not really helping, but I couldn't help myself.

"I'm here. I'm finally here, but instead of living in Ponyville, reading and studying with Twilight, having picnics in the park, and getting to try Pinkie's cupcakes, I'm being called insane and dangerous because of a dream I had! Princess Celestia, what are you thinking? Dreams have no reflection of what my real intentions are, they're just dreams!"

She just stared at me. Then, the incredibly tense moment was burst with laughter. From who else, the element of laughter.

"Wow, you really want to try my cupcakes! How totally, totally, totally awesome! Twilight, and alien wants to eat my cupcakes!"

"I'm afraid, Pinkie, that he will not be able to, "

"Awww..."

"Princess! Did you not here a word I just said!?"

"Ignore him, my little ponies, he will just tempt you," Celestia said as she began herding them out of the door. But, the one pony who had kept a solemn face the entire time, Twilight, looked me in the eye, just before the door closed. She was worried. And so was I.

Gah

Gah:

Gah.

Never have I wanted the New Lunar Republic to strike right then and there and slaughter Celestia. What a judgmental....what a judgmental cuss.

It was a dream for Hades's sake. A freaking dream.

Yes, I slaughtered many people, yes, I burned everything, yes, I conquered everything else, but I'm harmless, I swear!

I'm a fracking teenage boy, of course I'm violent! Apparently kids weren't like this in Equestria.

I wish I could Fus Ro Dah my way out of here. Wait...

"FUS RO DAH!"

Nope.

Force? No, no force. No telekinesis either.

I began to look around for a place to escape. It was all in vain. Of course, I should have expected something like this, I mean, take my world and compare it to Equestria. Violence? Yes, yes indeed.

But still, wasn't Celestia being a giant hypocrite? I mean, she's always preaching about how you should accept ponies (or humans) no matter what they act like or look like. Then again, I can see how much of a threat that I could pose to her and her subjects. But I still wished the NLR would come.

There's another thing that's being going on in my mind: is this canon Equestria, or some alternate one? So far, it seems canon, but I'm not super sure right now, not enough evidence as of now.

It was approaching nighttime, but I, as you might be able to guess, was not able to sleep. I decided to try and get up and see through it. It was pretty high up in the wall, but I thought that maybe I would be able to jump up and grab the windowsill and, thus, be able to haul myself up there.

Nope; too high.

I looked around and saw an old, wooden crate in the corner. Not sure what, if anything, was in it, but I could pull it, and pull it I did. After some grunting and scraping, the crate was positioned just below the window and I could finally get up.

I crossed my arms over the window sill and held that position, my feet dangling in the air, just above the crate. Outside it was dark and snowy. The cold didn't come inside, probably one of Cruelestia's spells, but that's not what was on my mind. What was on my mind was my house: I could see it.

Huh.

I un-crossed one of my arms and grabbed ahold of a bar. What happened next was...interesting, to say the least. I heard the sound of stone scraping against stone, and some dust fell from the bar. Then, the bar detached itself, and fell inside the cell with a loud clang.

I winced at the loud sound an quickly surveyed the room behind me. Whew, no guards. Still, they should probably keep a higher maintenance up around here.

But...hey...I think that if I...

I could fit my head through the bars...maybe...

Yesssss.

I could fit! The drop was only about five or six feet; easily handled.

My body slid through and I hit the grass with a thud.

Never before had I ever thought that I would want to escape the ponies. Oh well. Time to go Rambo Commando: Snow and Ponies Edition.

I stalked through the quite night, going house-to-house, attempting to find something useful. Every single door was unlocked. How convenient. Frankly, I'm surprised that no alarm or anything went off.

Sadly, it seemed as if I was not going to find anything useful beyond some kitchen tools and food. I decided to hit two more houses, and then hide out in a sewer or something.

Fortunately, I finally found something that I was looking for in the next house: a coat. It was made to fit ponies, so the arm placement was a bit awkward, but it still fit. These dang ponies live in a frozen wasteland and only one in the entire Empire has a coat. Genius.

I managed not to disturb any snoring crystal ponies and managed to gather up some gear: a coat, scarf, a bag, a bit of food, some tools, and a spear from a snoring guard.

Again, the lack of security here amazed me, because of that, and on account of I could leave the shield just fine.

Okay. Now to fortify.

I ended up having to make two more trips to the Empire for extra supplies, but I eventually had a base of operations. When I had made it back, there was snow piled up on the walls, and that gave me quite the idea: cover the entire house in snow. Surprisingly easy, just time-consuming.

Eventually, the only exposed bit of house was the chimney.

I stood back admiring my handiwork. It was a bit strange to have a random pile of snow in the middle of nowhere, but more believable than an freaking bleeding house.

I looked around and found the little cliff where I had unintentionally attacked Shining Armor (arsehole) along with some other things. Like a couple more short cliffs, some drifts, and some pretty interesting, though small, stone ruins. Not sure where they came from, but there was nothing of interest in there. I decided that the small, ruined tower would be my back-up area if my house fell.

I wasn't able to find anything else, so I went back inside. I checked my dad's guns (to scare them, if needed) and brought them and all of the ammo to my room. Just a little .20 Gauge shotgun and a 30-06. I brought all of the food from my fridge and put it next to an open window in the living room so they would remain cool enough not to rot.

I went outside and found a froze-over lake nearby and chipped a hole open with the spear I had stolen. I didn't see any fish at the moment, so I just went back inside, bored, despite all that was going on.

I spent some more time heaping barricading the doors and windows with furniture, and I was eventually back where I found myself: back in my room, albeit much colder. And without a functioning computer. Waiting for ponies to show up and capture me. Again. Gah.

Defenses!

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Muahahaha...

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The Æons Crawl

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