Diamonds Among Zirconium

by StarmanTheta

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Rarity, Romance
Length: 3237

Twilight's spell accidentally turns Rarity into a colt and Spike is distressed more than he'd like.

After Twilight's spell accidentally turns Rarity into a stallion, Spike finds himself more distressed than he'd like to admit, especially to himself. Written as a Friendoff entry for the comic posted.

Published 2011-09-16 18:14:11 UTC
Last updated 2011-09-19 16:02:12 UTC

Chapter 1

Sometimes Spike hated Twilight.

He could forgive the usual stuff, like when she made him rearrange the whole library to alphabetical order for ease of use, then decided that Dewey Decimal was in fact better and made him change it back. Or the time she, in a rage, forced him to walk all the way across town in the rain to buy a replacement copy of the Encyclopedia of Cephalopods (who has a dragon with a cold fetch a rare book, anyway?). He could brush stuff like that off after a day or two. But...

“Twilight, what have you done!” shrieked Spike alongside a masculine voice.

A masculine voice belonging to Rarity.

The mare--stallion--was spazzing out in the middle of library, screaming at the top of her--his--lungs while Twilight flipped through her spellbook, brow furrowed and biting her lip. Spike could only look on with wide eyes and his hands on his head at Rarity’s new, emotionally unstable form.

“I-I’m sorry, Rarity,” Twilight said, “I had no idea it would--it was an accident and--”

“Accident?” Rarity’s voice caused her even more panic. She stamped repeatedly at the floor with her front hooves. “This is an absolute disaster! My physique!” He held up his hooves to Twilight. “My hair!” He ran over and grabbed a mirror, nervously primping at his much shorter mane. “My voice!” His voice was soft and just short of effeminate, but his shrieking and the bizarreness of the situation ruined any sort of charm it may have had. “Oh no no no no! How can I face anypony like this? I’ll be a laughing stock! Nopony will want to buy my dresses! Oh, my life is ruuuiiinnned!” He broke out into a loud wail.

“C-calm down, Rarity, I’m sure I can fix this!” Twilight said, face buried in her book. “Well I hope I can fix this. Oh, Celestia...”

Spike ran to grab a box of tissues from upstairs and sprinted back to Rarity, offering him tissues while trying his best to console the sobbing unicorn.

“Don’t worry, Rarity, you’ll be back to your old, beautiful, female self in no time! Twilight will fix this!” He turned towards Twilight and shot her a glare laced with concentrated black mamba venom. “At least she better. How can you mess up a spell turning stuff into jewelry?”

“I’m sorry Spike! I thought it’d just turn hairs into medallions, not mares into stallions! Maybe I missed a step...”

Rarity dabbed at his eyes with the tissues before turning toward Twilight. “Missed a step? Twilight, I can’t have my business run aground because you missed a step--oh!” He gasped, suddenly remembering something.

“How could I forget! I have a dozen dresses I need to have ready by next week!” He wheeled around towards Spike. “Spike, I need you over as soon as possible; this is going to be quite an ordeal.”
He ran toward the door without waiting for Spike’s reply, calling back to Twilight.

“Please Twilight, figure something out soon! I simply can’t be seen like this! Oh, if only I had brought something to cover myself up.” He gave a furtive glance left and right ways out the door before bolting off.

For a minute, Spike and Twilight stood their, staring in silence at the door, trying to wrap their minds around what just happened. Twilight spoke up first.

“...Hey, Spike, you’d better get going. Looks like Rarity really needs your help. I’ll stay here and try to come up with a way to fix this.”

The dragon’s reply was lethargic. “...Hm? Oh, yeah.” He made no move to leave.

“Spike, is something the matter?” Twilight said. “Well, I mean, I know something’s the matter but other than that mishap.”

“Oh, no, it’s nothing. I oughta get going.” Spike walked to the door with the pace of someone just told to walk to the guillotine and opened it. “Catch you later, Twilight.” He slammed the door behind him. Twilight blinked in confusion a few times but then quickly decided that working on turning Rarity back into a mare was more important than pondering about a temperamental dragon. She buried her face in her book once more.

“Let’s see...gender change, gender change, gender change...’gander change’?”

Spike leaned his head against his fist, a scowl of frustration on his face. No, this wasn’t Rarity. He may have the same name, the same store, the same cutie mark, but this wasn’t Rarity. Spike scoffed as he watched the stallion levitate a sheet olive of fabric here and measure a length of white thread there. This Rarity didn’t have her cute little snout, instead one that was sharp and square, like the rocks he had to dig through for gems at the quarry. He didn’t have her svelte, ladylike figure, instead a soft masculine profile, like a workhorse who went to the spa every other day. And he certainly didn’t have her magnificent, meticulously maintained mane, purple curls that shined when the light hit them just so, but instead short locks that flowed perfectly into a small bounce, that you could stare at for--

“Gah!” Spike toppled back in his chair, as if something had just jumped out at him as opposed to him catching his own imagination, and he fell the the floor. He shook his head to clear the stars from his eyes as well as the lingering images in his mind.

“Spike, darling, are you okay?” Rarity was looking over his shoulder at the dragon, levitating a large sheet of fabric ready to be run through the sewing machine.

Spike rubbed his head. “Oh, yeah, I’m fine,” he said as he pulled himself to his feet. “Just leaned back too far.”

“Well please, do be careful!” He turned back to the sewing machine and began feeding the thread through. “I don’t need any distractions right now, and I’d just hate for my assistant to get hurt.”

“Uh...yeah. Will do.” The dragon righted his chair.

“Good!” Rarity held up the stitched fabric, scrutinizing it, then continued. “Also, Spike, could you be a dear and get the sequins for me? The aqua and turquoise ones.”

"Yeah, I'm on it." Spike got up and shuffled his way over to the cabinet on the other side of the room where the sequins were kept. As he climbed precariously on chairs and boxes to the shelf with the tubs of sequins, nearly falling backwards innumerable times, he heard Rarity begin to sing.

“Thread by thread, stitching it together...” He cringed as he stumbled to the floor, struggling to retain his balance with the two tubs perched on top of each other as he made his way over to the temporary stallion. Couldn't he hear himself? The song was pure sugar and honey when Rarity sung it as a girl, Spike thought with eyebrow cocked, but now in that male voice...it just didn’t work. It was too deep. It was a waste, like taking the tastiest chocolate bar you ever had then just smashing it to bits. Then taking those bits of chocolate and melting them down into a sauce and dipping fruit in it and--

“Bring those over here, would you?” Spike walked over to Rarity and plopped the tubs down next to her chair. The unicorn opened the tubs and smiled.

“Oh thank you Spike, you are a lifesaver.”

“Uh...well, I guess...”

“No, ‘guess’, this whole situation would be hopeless without you. Thank you.” With a suddenness and elegance that could only be spur of the moment, Rarity bent down and gave Spike a quick peck on the cheek as if he had forgotten all about become a stallion. He turned back to his workbench.

“Now, Spike, I was thinking either aqua or turquoise sequins for this other dress, but maybe I shouldn’t use sequins at all. What do you--”

“HEY LOOKIT THE TIME SORRY GOTTA GO!” Spike bolted from the room, out the door, and straight to the library. He didn’t stop until he reached home, not even caring about the odd looks he got from random ponies nor Pinkie Pie abruptly appearing next to him no less than four times to ask him what was up, and slammed the door behind him. His lungs felt like they would burst at any moment, and it felt like someone had put his guts through the washer machine. He reached up to touch his cheek gingerly. For some reason, the room felt much warmer.

The fortress was impregnable. Tall towers, gates, and hordes of diamond dog guards, armed to the teeth and thirsty for blood. Trying to get in was a suicide mission, impossible for even the manliest of stallions.
Not so for the manliest of dragons, especially one with lance in hand and love burning in heart. The dragon knight stood before the gate, standing calm but ready for action as the swarms of guards rushed to the door with heckles and sneers.

“Open up, you curs!” the knight called up to the battlements. “Hand over the pony and I might spare some of you!” The diamond dogs simply sent more jeers in reply, and the gates opened allowing many of them to pour out and form a circle around the dragon.

“Give up, Spike, you’ll never get your precious pony back!” the eyepatch-wearing leader of the dogs barked. The rest of the fiends joined in with howls and cackling.

“Oh yeah?” the knight said, taking up his lance like a bat and shifting into a battle stance. “Try and stop me!”

“Get ‘im, boys!” The dogs howled again and charged at the lone knight. Their howls soon turned to screams and whimpering. The dragon was no pushover--he bowled over the diamond dogs effortlessly by the dozen, as if they were card castles, and sent others scurrying with streams of flaming breath here and there. The lone knight quickly crushed the defenses, never taking more than a scratch himself as he faced off against the leader (quickly disposed of with a swing of the knight’s large tail). He tore his way to the highest tower, quickly disposing of the guards with this lance, and climbed all the way to the top. At the top of the stairs there was a lone door, locked but broken down effortlessly. The knight stepped into the room, chest out and standing tall.

On the other side of the sparsely decorated room sat a unicorn staring down out the window at the swathe of destruction left in the knight’s wake. The pony turned towards the knight and smiled--despite the captivity, their worn cape and crown seemed brand new, and their face was as full and beautiful as ever. The knight began to run to the unicorn and the unicorn did the same until they met in the center of the room and the knight scooped the unicorn up in his arms. The knight held the unicorn close, the sheer joy of being together once more, and he stared deeply into the unicorn’s eyes.

“I have you now, Sir Rarity.” the knight said, “You’re safe with me.”

“Oh Sir Spike, thank you, my knight in shining scales.” The knight leaned his face forward as the unicorn crooned his toward the knight slowly, until their lips--

“Gyah!” Spike bolted upright in his bed, breathing heavily. Twilight turned slowly and heavily in her bed, not bothering to sit up or open her eyes as she addressed him half-asleep.

“C’mon, Spike, it’s too early for all that...” she yawned and pulled her pillow closer.

“Uh, yeah, sorry, just had a, uh, nightmare is all,” Spike said, laying back down and quickly drawing the covers over his head.

“Yeah...just a nightmare...”

Spike was wandering again. When he brought Rarity the pins in his hide, he caught himself staring at him. He was wearing those glasses, the red rimmed ones. They weren’t even made for a colt, and yet they seemed to rest perfect upon his face. It was as if--

“Spike, didn’t you hear me? Bring me the feathers.”

“Oh, right! Right away!” He brought the feathers back in a flash, almost in a trance. He gulped as Rarity levitated them and put them this way and that against the model to find the best positioning. Spike couldn’t take his eyes off him.
It’s just Rarity. He thought. Same as she’s always been. Calm down, it’s nothing at all. He felt like when he was trying to convince Twilight that the owl had knocked over that glass of tomato juice on top of the scrolls. Try as he might, he would keep catching himself looking over his shoulder at him when he sent Spike off to get something else, or imagining Rarity smiling when he hummed to himself at the sewing machine. It was exactly like how it was before.
Rarity backed up to examine one of the dresses placed on a model and nodded. He let out a small sigh of relief.

“Whew. I think that will do for now.” He looked over at the clock. “My, it’s getting late.” He turned to Spike. “Spike, you should shuffle on back home now. You’ve been a marvelous help but a young dragon needs his rest.” He gave him a charming smile.

“Uh, yeah. T-thanks. Glad I could help.” He could feel his face growing warmer.

“Of course, you’re always a help Spike. Now we’ll have to put on the finishing touches tomorrow, so be here bright and early!”

“S-sure thing. See you later, Rarity.”

Spike walked out of the room, although it felt as if he floated. He stepped outside into the young night and began towards home. Apprehension gripped him like a vice as he walked, head down and muttering to himself.

“Oh man...You gotta be kidding me...”

Spike opened the door gingerly, hoping to slip in without notice, although his plan was shot down immediately due to Twilight sitting in the lower level, waiting for him.

“Oh Spike, you’re back!” Twilight said. With pep she levitated a book over to him. “I found out what spell I did, and it turns out that the effects are only temporary. Rarity should turn back sometime tomorrow.”

Spike rubbed the back of his head. “Uh, yeah, that’s great...”
The unicorn levitated the book back to its resting place on the floor, a perplexed look on her face. “Spike, what’s the matter? I thought you’d be happy about this.”

“Oh, I am, it’s just, uh, um...” Spike clutched his tail, wringing it while staring over at the wall.

"Twilight, I...I gotta tell you something."

"What is it Spike?" Twilight got up and walked towards him, a look of concern upon her face. “Did something happen at Rarity’s? You didn’t incinerate another book or something, did you?

The dragon motioned for her to come closer, his face no less grave."You have to promise not to tell anyone"

Twilight leaned closer. "Yes, I promise"

"I'm serious, I mean it!"

Twilight smiled. "Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a..." She stopped herself from completing the motions just in time, remember the last incident.

Spike motioned for her to come closer, a look of dread upon his face. He whispered into her ear, so soft that Twilight could barely hear it even that close.

"I have a crush on Rarity."

There was silence for a second.

"...Uh, Spike. I know" She wore a quizzical expression.. “You already told Pinkie and me."

"No no no, you don't understand!" he shouted, then remembering he didn't want anyone to hear, lowered his voice once more and rubbed the back of his head. "I have a crush on...the new Rarity..."

Again there was silence.

"...But, it's the same Rarity, Spike. I mean, she still answers to Rarity, still runs Carousel Boutique, still is kinda--"

"Dang it, Twilight I think Rarity is hot!"

Another silence.

Twilight stared blankly at Spike. "...What?"

"I mean," Spike lowered his voice again, "I think that...Rarity, as a guy, is a total knockout. Just as a guy. Like even if I didn't know she used to be a filly I'd have a crush on her..."

It took a second before the gears in Twilight's head finally aligned. Her perplexed stare quickly changed to an understanding smile.

"Oh, Spike, that's nothing to worry about. Y'know--"

"But, but it's weird, Twilight! I mean she's a guy! And I'm a guy! Who ever heard of a guy liking guys? That's just...super weird!"

"Spike! Don't talk about yourself like that." Her voice softened. “Look, you shouldn't feel ashamed, it's perfectly natural."

Spike was silent for a second, then looked up at Twilight. He felt his eyes start to water a bit.

“S-so you don’t think I’m weird? For liking Rarity like this?”

“Of course not, Spike. Just like Rarity’s the same Rarity, you’re still the same Spike to me.” She wrapped her forelegs around him.

“T-thanks.” Spike returned the hug. “But...I’m serious, don’t tell anyone about it. Not even Pinkie Pie.”

“I promise Spike.”

“Good...oh, and Twilight?”

“Yes?”

“I, uh, may have kinda sorta sneezed on your copy of The Colts Karamazov...”

Spike had delivered the last dress to the client and returned to Carousel Boutique. Rarity was sitting back in his favorite chair, celebrating the completion of the orders with a glass of some sort of frou-frou imported sparkling water. He motioned for Spike to come over. There was not much time left.

“Thank you, Spike, for delivering those. I don’t think I could have worked up the nerve to go myself.”

“It’s no problem at all, Rarity!” Spike replied, enthusiasm once again in his voice.

She nodded and levitated over some gems she had set out. “Help yourself, Spike, you deserve it.” Spike nodded and promptly shoved a large ruby in his maw, chomping away contently, and Rarity continued. “You know, Spike, it’s been such a crazy week, what with Twilight’s spell and all, but it all worked out in the end, didn’t it?”

Spike swallowed a mouthful of chewed gems. “Yeah, I guess it did.”

Rarity closed his eyes. “Well, it’s a good thing this spell is about to wear off soon. I was getting afraid I’d never be able to leave the house again.”

“Oh yeah...” Spike couldn’t look Rarity directly in the face but the unicorn didn’t notice.

“In fact, I think it’s getting close to that ti--oh my!”

Rarity’s eyes shot open and his body began to glow. Spike could only watch transfixed as Rarity became engulfed by a bright light. As abruptly as it started, the glow began to wane until it finally disappeared, and it its place was Rarity, once more a mare.

“Right on cue!” Rarity said, feeling her once-more curly mane. “I must say, after all that time I feel even more fabulous than usual.”

Spike could only nod wordlessly. He could not help but feel some small tinge of regret, but the unicorn’s joy quickly washed it away. He began polishing off a topaz while Rarity took a sip from her glass.

“Well, Spike, I do hope you’re enjoying those gems. I’m actually running low, embarrassingly enough, and I’m going to need your help again sometime next week finding more. You’ll do it for me, won’t you, dear?”

“Of course, you don’t even have to ask!” He grabbed an emerald and devoured it in one bite. It tasted better than any he had had before.