Princess Luna's School for Gifted Young Alicorns
“Now, repeat after me,” the Princess of the Night said to her two students. “DEAR CITIZENS OF EQUESTRIA, WE BID THEE WELCOME!”
“Dear Citizens of Equestria, We bid thee welcome!” said Twilight Sparkle.
“Dear Citizens of Equestria, We bid thee welcome!” Cadance punctuated the sentence with a loud gurgle as she sucked the last dregs from her juice box. Twilight whirled in her seat to stare at her. Cadance winked back.
The classroom was perched halfway up the south wing of Canterlot Palace, overlooking a well-manicured courtyard. Although it could easily accomodate twenty students, only two were present, sitting awkwardly at desks intended for much younger ponies. Twilight Sparkle sat attentively, fresh notebook open with "Royal Canterlot Voice Lesson" inscribed at the top of the page in her neat handwriting. In contrast, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza sat with the exasperated attitude of a pony who had been dragooned into a duty she found both inconvenient and irrelevant.
Luna glared at Cadance. “Is it the custom these days to have so little respect for one's instructor as to gulp down refreshments in the midst of a lesson?”
Cadance smiled back. “Oh, it's long been recognized that students learn better when they're properly hydrated.”
“Be that as it may, your enthusiasm would stand you in better stead. Really, I had expected only Twilight would require instruction in the Royal Canterlot Voice. I had not anticipated my sister would be so lax in your own education, Cadance.”
Cadance stuck out her tongue. Luna's eyes narrowed dangerously, and Twilight surreptitiously kicked at Cadance's ankle.
“Errr, Princess,” Twilight spoke up, trying to head off the situation. “Umm, I think maybe Cadance and I aren't really the 'Royal Canterlot Voice' sort of alicorn.”
Luna raised one eyebrow. “Nonsense, Twilight Sparkle. 'Tis a skill every princess should know. Imagine, if you will, yourself on the battlefield, the air thick with the hot stench of blood, the cannons roaring all about....” Luna began to outline the myriad important uses of the Royal Canterlot Voice, turning to the blackboard to add illustrations as she went.
Cadance slumped down and laid her head on her desk, facing Twilight. “Twilight, what am I doing here,” she moaned softly. “I have a graduate degree in romance studies, and I write the lonely hearts column in the Canterlot Times. Why am I being lectured in a grade school classroom?”
Twilight split her attention between listening to Cadance and scribbling notes about the fascinating glimpses into Equestrian history Luna was dropping. “Aren't you interested in learning something new?” she whispered back.
“Hmmm...” Cadance said, noncommittally. “Hey, Twi,” she whispered after a moment, “have you ever heard of a Neighpponese thing called 'hadaka apron?'”
“Nnnooo...?”
“It's this super kinky thing where you cook a meal for your sweetheart, and you wear an apron and nothing else. I want to get back to the Empire and try it on Shiny!”
The more Twilight thought about this, the more she looked as if she were sucking on a lemon. “Right, first, the Cakes in Ponyville bake all day long wearing nothing but an apron, and it is not sexy. Okay? And second, please don't put images of my brother making out with you in my head. No disrespect, but eww.”
Cadance giggled. “Oh Twi, as soon as you get a special somepony I promise I'll make Shiny just as weirded out.”
“Cadance!”
Luna paused and turned back to her students. “Is there a problem, you two?”
Cadance and Twilight both sat straight up in their seats. “No, your Highness,” Twilight said.
Luna gave a dour nod. “Good,” she said. “As I was saying, troop morale is not the only use for the Royal Canterlot Voice. An unprepared enemy will often be momentarily paralyzed at the sound...”
“Hey, Twilight! Twilight!” Cadance whispered. “Loan me a sheet of paper!”
Twilight frowned. “Am I supposed to get it back?”
“Uhh, no?”
“Then you want me to give you a sheet of paper, not loan you one.”
Cadance frowned. “But you're a princess now! I can't very well say, 'Your Royal Highness, Princess Twilight Sparkle, gimme paper!'”
Twilight stifled a giggle. She tore a sheet from her notebook and levitated it to Cadance. “I, Princess Twilight Sparkle, do hereby graciously grant you suzerainty over this sheet of paper. Do you need a pencil too?”
Cadance grinned. “I'm fine, thank you your Highness.”
Twilight smiled back at her—best foalsitter ever!—and turned her attention back to Luna's explanation of how judicious use of the Royal Canterlot Voice had frozen an assassin just as they were about to strike down Starswirl the Bearded.
Twilight couldn't help but gasp. “Somepony tried to kill Starswirl the Bearded?”
“Oh yes,” Luna nodded. “Several times, in fact. It was that damned spell, you know. He was so proud of it. Beards everywhere. Nopony was safe! Why, after a while you stopped shaving it off because he'd just cast it right back on you. It caused more than one diplomatic incident.”
“He... he cast a beard spell on ponies? Wait, when you say nopony was safe, you aren't talking about yourself or, or Princess Celestia, right?”
Luna snorted. “Celestia was his prime target! I think he had a crush on her.”
Twilight sank back in her seat, dizzily. She still had so much to learn.
Luna paused, frowning. “We have come adrift of our subject,” she said. “Stand up, you two. Nopony can truly master the Royal Canterlot Voice from a seated position.”
Twilight hopped to her hooves, while Cadance groaned and stood up. “Back to shouty time,” she muttered.
Luna's ears twitched. “It is not a matter of shouting, Mi Amore Cadenza, it is a matter of projection.” She quickly sketched a pony onto the blackboard and drew big fat arrows pointing at the belly. “Sound does not come from the throat, or the front of the lungs, but rather from the very core of your princessly being! Close your eyes, focus your mind on your gut, and repeat after me: DEAR CITIZENS OF EQUESTRIA, WE BID THEE WELCOME!”
“Dear citizens of Equestria, We bid thee welcome!” Twilight shouted.
“Dear citizens of Equestria, We bid thee welcome!” Cadance shouted. “Let us take up no more of your precious time!”
Luna merely arched one eyebrow, and said, “It's 'thy precious time,' Cadance.”
“Yes, it is my precious time,” Cadance responded with a nod. “I need to buy an apron and get back to the Crystal Empire before dark, so can we please wrap things up?”
“Then I suggest you bend your efforts to making progress with the Royal Canterlot Voice,” Luna replied archly.
“No aprons!” Twilight interjected.
“Now,” Luna continued, “Repeat: WE WOULD HAVE NO STRICTURES OF FORMALITY BETWIXT THEE AND US.”
Cadance's eyes crossed. “What?”
“We are telling Our loyal subjects to relax in Our presence,” Luna explained.
Twilight frowned. “Umm, actually Princess, I didn't want to say anything, but you keep using 'thee' and 'thou' as plural forms; but they've always been singular forms of address. You should be saying 'you' and 'ye' instead. I think you might be treating them similarly to the 'Royal We,' so to speak, but they don't actually work that way."
Luna's brow clouded with annoyance. “Ever have We said it thus.”
“Indeed, dear sister,” came a voice of warm sunlight. “But your Cantrish always was a little odd.” Celestia stepped into the classroom, brightening the atmosphere with her very presence. Twilight spun to face her with a squee of delight.
“Sister? What brings you here?” Luna asked. “My class is unruly enough as it is.”
Celestia laughed. “I heard a great tumult of shouting, and thought I should investigate.”
Luna harrumphed. “Twilight Sparkle requires instruction in the Royal Canterlot Voice. As, it turns out, does Cadance. Sister, how could you be so irresponsible in her education?!”
Celestia rolled her eyes. “Oh, Luna, nopony uses the Royal Canterlot anymore anyway.”
Luna stomped her hoof. “Nevertheless, it is not fitting that a princess be incapable of it!” She raised her nose and huffed, “You are always like this, Tia! You just do what you like and never think about the future! You... you are a frivolous, scatterbrained pony!”
Celestia held a hoof to her mouth, stifling a giggle. Twilight, however, stared at Luna, scandalized. A certain level of good-natured ribbing among sisters might be natural, but for Princess Luna to characterize Celestia in a manner so... so completely and objectivly contrary to reality was beyond sufferance! Twilight could no more let it pass than she could round pi down to a mere two decimals.
“Princess Luna,” she began, “I can't believe you would say such a thing! You of all ponies should know Princess Celestia is not frivolous and she certainly isn't scatterbrained. She's the cleverest pony in Equestria. She has stratagems within schemes within subterfuges! Why, she... she's practically a master of eleventh-dimensional chess!”
There was a moment of silence. Then both Celestia and Luna burst into raucous laughter.
Twilight glowered at the unseemly display. “What's so funny? You know it's true! Just think back to the Nightmare Moon incident! Celestia, the moment you knew I was aware of the prophecies of Nightmare Moon's return, you sent me off to Ponyville.”
“Oh,” Luna said dryly, “that certainly proves it.”
“Twilight,” said Celestia, “every two-bit crazy who ever heard of her had some kind of prophecy about Nightmare Moon's return. As soon as I saw you dipping into that level of nuttiness, I knew I had to pry you from your stuffy chambers and get you out somewhere making friends.”
“Exactly!” Twilight nodded with a grin. “Friends who were potential Elements of Harmony, precisely the friends I would need if I were to challenge Nightmare Moon." She paused for a moment, her brow furrowing. "Oooh, I wonder for how many generations you manipulated their bloodlines to produce the perfect candidates?” Twilight looked positively giddy at the thought.
Celestia drew her head back, appalled. “Twilight, what an awful thing to imagine! And if I were relying on your friendships to save everyone, I should have given you more than a day to make them! You six barely knew each other when Nightmare Moon returned.”
“No, that was all part of the plan, Princess,” Twilight insisted. “As Nightmare Moon witnessed us forging our friendships, she would be reminded of her own desire for friends, and her heart would soften. Remember? She went from trying to kill us to trying to split us apart.”
Celestia shook her head. “Twilight, really, I had no deep strategies or anything of the sort. I honestly wasn't expecting her. I mean, it was so long; who keeps track of which anniversary it is over ten centuries?”
Twilight stomped her hoof. “It was the thousandth year! I told you it was the thousandth year!”
Celestia's ears drooped sheepishly. “I thought you meant it was coming up in the next decade or so, not in a few days!”
Luna nodded. “It is true, Tia had no idea. I'm not proud of what I did as Nightmare Moon, but the expression on her face when I materialized before her? Priceless.”
“I was pooping cinder blocks, Twilight,” Celestia agreed.
Twilight stared at the two of them in disbelief. “No no no no no! What about the Discord incident, when you knew just when to send my Friendship Reports to me to remind me of the bonds I share with the others?”
Celestia's face colored. She looked away.
Luna snickered. “Oh Twilight, you should have seen her. She barely kept it together while you were with her; as soon as you left she had a complete meltdown. She was turning the place upside-down trying to find her old love letters.”
Twilight tilted her head in confusion. “Love... letters?”
“It was a long time ago!" Celestia squawked. "I was immature and foolish! How was I to know he'd turn out to be such a jerk?” She stared at the floor and pouted sullenly.
Luna gave Twilight a conspiratorial wink. “She was trying to find the old letters to get rid of them, but she kept turning up your reports, so she started sending those back to Spike to get them out of the way.”
Celestia interrupted, “Can we talk about something else?”
Luna gave a sly look, and said, “Maybe we could talk about how clever my sister was at Cadance's wedding.”
“Oh please no,” Celestia groaned.
Twilight glared back at Luna. “She was clever!” she insisted. “After I tried to break up the wedding, she told me 'You have a lot to think about.' She was right! I hadn't shown evidence or substantiated any of my claims! I needed ironclad proof before I started making accusations! That's what she was telling me—not that I was wrong, but that I had to think it through step by step and make a case through indisputable facts!”
Celestia stared at her and gave an unsteady laugh. “Twilight, I was mad that you were ruining Cadance's special day.”
Twilight squeezed her eyes shut and started shaking her head, with increasing vehemence. “No, no, no! Princess Celestia is the smartest pony in Equestria! She has plans and fallback plans and counterplans and don't tell me she doesn't know what she's doing because she DOES TOO KNOW WHAT SHE'S DOING AND ANYONE WHO SAYS SHE DOESN'T IS PROBABLY BEING TRICKED INTO MAKING A MISTAKE BY HER CLEVER SUBTERFUGES BECAUSE PRINCESS CELESTIA IS WISE AND CLEVER AND PERFECT AND NEVER MAKES MISTAKES!”
The room froze into a stunned silence. Celestia's mane slowly drifted back into place from being blown straight behind her by the force of Twilight's shouting, and a thin shower of plaster dust sifted down from a newly opened crack in the ceiling.
Twilight's eyes widened in horror as she realized she had just bawled out the twin rulers of Equestria. She was going to be sent back to magic kindergarten—no, she'd be lucky if that was all she had to face! Magic preschool! Magic preschool preparation classes! All on its own, and by dint of long practice, her body began the soothing ritual of hyperventilation.
It was Luna who broke the silence—by clapping her hooves against the floor in applause. “Well done, Twilight Sparkle! Very well done. You see? You are eminently capable of the Royal Canterlot Voice after all! You need but focus on your diction, and you shall master the art in short order.” She gave a well-satisfied smile.
“Unlike,” she added, “my other pupil, who would appear to lack any desire to advance herself.”
Cadance snorted. “I have a definite desire to advance myself to an apron store, and then all over my husband, if you know what I mean,” she shot back.
But Twilight barely heard. Her breathing had changed from the bad sort of hyperventilation to the good sort of hyperventilation. She fluttered her new wings and rose from the floor, forehooves pressed to her mouth as an irrepressible grin spread across her face.
“Princess Celestia, you're brilliant!” she cried out. “You just did it again, didn't you?!”
Celestia glanced away from the gathering storm between Cadance and Luna, and looked uncertainly at Twilight.
“All that nonsense about you being scatterbrained and winging it through every crisis,” Twilight continued, “it was all just a ruse! Another of your ploys, to help me learn the Royal Canterlot Voice! Oh Princess Celestia, you're the most wonderfully devious princess ever!” She buzzed around Celestia, flying circles of delight around the princess. Celestia's jaw hung slackly open.
Luna took a deep breath and attempted to regain control over her classroom. With a quintessential rendition of the Royal Canterlot Voice, she declared, “THIS IS NO PLACE FOR FOALISH SHENANIGANS! SETTLE DOWN, EVERYPONY!”
And that's when Cadance's spitball struck the Princess of the Night square between the eyes.
