That Elder Wand

by gryphon88

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Random, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Alternate Universe, Human, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other
Length: 1469

Always remember to lock your doors. Please.

Two students of magic, each with a great destiny, meet at a study door.
What they find inside will scar them both for life.

Published 2013-03-02 09:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-22 14:17:43 UTC

Is Oh So Disturbing

Harry Potter was walking through the halls of Hogwarts, looking for Professor Dumbledore’s office. It was quite odd, that he was lost. He had made the long trek from the Gryffindor dormitory to the stone spiral stairs before, but it had never taken this long.

In fact, Harry was almost certain that he was passing through parts of the castle he had never seen before. Out of one window he would see the lake and ground of Hogwarts, and through the next, he would see a verdent valley, and a floating city made of clouds.

Harry, however, was used to Hogwarts providing strange happenings in its architecture, and tried to pay the odd sights little mind. Admittedly, these were a fair bit stranger than he was used to, despite it being his fifth year at the school, but he ignored it all the same.

After a fair amount of aimlessly walking, heading towards the gargoyle that hid the headmaster’s office, Harry finally found himself in a familiar hall. Relieved to finally be at his destination, he rounded a corner, expecting to find the vacant alcove that housed the gargoyle statue.

Instead of an empty hall, though, the space before Dumbledore’s office was occupied by a strange... horse, thing.

Harry paused, blinking in surprise. The horse creature was a light purple color, with an oddly straight mane, that hung over its eyes. It seemed to be a crossbreed of a unicorn and a pegasus, except the horn was much shorter than he had seen on unicorns before. It also bore a peculiar mark of stars, five circling one large one.

None of this was particularly astounding to Harry, though. He had encountered several fantastic beasts in his many misadventures, in no small part due to his good friend, Hagrid. No, what astounded Harry Potter about this odd horse, standing in front of the entrance to Dumbledore’s office, was that it was speaking.

“I’m sorry, I was just looking for Celestia’s office,” she stammered. And it was obviously a she, as Harry could tell by her youthful, feminine voice. “My finding spell led me here, is this an entrance? Hello?”

The gargoyle, whom Harry knew was quite grumpy with students guessing the password, gave the creature an odd glare, but said nothing. She continued. “Do you need some sort of password? A key, maybe? Can you give me some sort of indication?”

Again, no response. The creature pressed a hoof to her face, groaning.

Harry found himself sympathizing with her. He had spent several occasions trying to determine his headmaster’s password to no avail, and it was indeed quite aggravating. Feeling brave, the young wizard took a step forward. “Hello, can I help you?”

The creature turned to face him, and her eyebrows shot upwards, as she took an involuntary step backwards. “Oh! Hello.”

Harry smiled, trying to be friendly. “The password,” he gestured towards the gargoyle, “is usually some sort of candy. Probably whichever one Professor Dumbledore fancies at the moment.”

Hesitantly, she smiled back at him. “Oh! Is that what this is? I didn’t know what room it was, I just cast a spell to find my teacher, you see, and it told me she was in there.”

This was... surprising. Harry was pretty sure there was some law or something, prohibiting nonhumans from using complex magic, but he may have been misremembering. Instead of questioning her, he held out a hand. “Harry Potter.”

Almost immediately he realized she wouldn’t understand the gesture, being an equine, but she dismissed his fears by meeting his hand with her free hoof. “Twilight Sparkle. Well, technically, Princess Twilight Sparkle, but you can just call me Twilight.” Twilight’s smile faded a bit, as she spoke.

Harry nodded, sympathetically. It made sense, that royalty of whatever species she was would visit Dumbledore. “I know how you feel. I’ve got half a dozen titles, and I despise all of them. Fame isn’t really anything it’s cracked up to be.”

Twilight giggled, her wings flaring out briefly. “Tell me about it.” She spared a glance at the stone gargoyle. “So, you mentioned the password was... candy?”

The wizard nodded. “That’s right. It usually takes me a few guesses, too.” He pushed his glasses up his nose, concentrating. “I think I saw him with some licorice last week. Maybe that’s it?”

Twilight shrugged her wings. “It couldn’t hurt to try.” The pony princess turned to face the statue. “Ahem... Licorice!”

The gargoyle rolled its eyes, then stepped aside, revealing the spiral staircase which led upwards, to Dumbledore’s office. Twilight turned and beamed at Harry. “Well, look at that! I never thought a teacher would love candy that much.”

Harry chuckled. “You get used to him.” He held out a hand. “Ladies first?”

“Why thank you.” She giggled, then proceeded up the stairs. Harry followed behind her, and the gargoyle resumed its position.

“So, you mentioned you’re a princess?” Harry asked, as he climbed the stairs.

“Yes. Well, only very recently.” Twilight sighed. I used to just be a student, studying under Princess Celestia. I never even wanted anything! But, it seemed like destiny had other plans for me.” She sighed. “You? What about those half-dozen titles?”

“Ah. Well.” Harry rubbed the back of his neck, reluctant. “When I was born, I was attacked by this really evil dude, Voldemort. He’s... really evil. But then there was also this huge destiny I have, to stop him? I dunno. Stupid Trelawney and her stupid prophecies.”

Twilight laughed. “Oh, god. Don’t get me started on prophecies. Half the things I do with my life are running around, trying to fulfill prophecies.”

“Same!” Harry laughed. “It feels like my entire life is just walking up an endless staircase, except half the steps are trying to kill you.” He glanced at the door above him, as it just then came into view. “Speaking of endless staircases, that seemed to take forever.”

Twilight blinked. “Oh? Is it usually not that long?”

The pair of magicians walked into the office, looking around as Harry answered. “Yeah, normally it’s only a few secooonssohmmYGODAUGH!”

Harry’s eyes and Twilight’s both fell on the same sight at the same time. There, pressed up against the table in the center of the office, were Albus Dumbledore and Princess Celestia.

And they were fucking like rabbits.

Dumbledore turned to look at his two guests, and smiled. He began to speak, maintaining his... rhythm. “Ah! Harry! Twilight! I see you two have met.”

Harry had both hands clamped firmly over his eyes, yelling, as he tried to clear the mental image from his head. Twilight was looking upwards, blushing furiously, attempting a similar mental purge. “P-P-Princess?”

From atop the table, Celestia smiled, less composed than the headmaster. “Oh - yes - Twi - Light, Hel - lo...” The Princess grinned, a look of ecstasy encompassing her face.

Unnoticed on a nearby perch, two phoenixes nuzzled one another affectionately.

Meanwhile, Harry managed to pull himself together long enough to form coherent words. “Professor! What the hell is this?!”

Dumbledore shrugged. “Well, Harry, everyone needs to unwind once in a while. Tia here, and I, found ourselves in similar positions when we met, so we agreed to... help each other out. A few times per month.” He pursed his lips. “Though, I can’t fathom how you both managed to get in here.”

“Range - of - influence,” Celestia panted out, between breaths. “Too... Big-! Ah!”

“Damn right it’s big!” Dumbledore said raunchily, slapping the Princess’ bodacious flank.

Twilight couldn’t turn redder. Harry nearly fainted.

Dumbledore chuckled. “You’ll have to excuse me, I always do feel younger when we do this.” He chuckled. “You’re both welcome to stay as long as you like, and the Pensive is available to you, should you wish to use it.”

Harry, still covering his eyes, managed to nod, still mad from the sight. Twilight couldn’t... stop... staring...

Severus Snape was grading papers in his office when Harry Potter burst through the door-

“Harry Potter,” he snarked. “What does the ‘favorite student’ want-“

-followed closely by Twilight Sparkle.

“And the other favorite.” Snape grimaced. “I wouldn’t think you two could stand each other, stealing the spotlight.” He folded his arms. “What is it precisely you two want, bursting into my office?”

Harry glared at Snape. “The-the-the-the-the-the-the Pensive!” He stammered. “We need the Pensive.”

Snape furrowed his brow in confusion. “The Pensive? What the ruddy hell do you-“

Snape’s eyes widened. His face grew genuinely sympathetic. “You two walked in on them, didn’t you?”

The two students nodded.

“You poor souls. It’s in the back.”

They thanked him, and hastily made their way towards it. Snape went back to papers. “There are some things no one should have to endure,” he muttered to himself.