Part One – All Shook Down
If you had to pinpoint the moment where it all started to go wrong, you would probably say that it occurred when you slipped and fell over the railing. Others might say that it started to go wrong when the water on the rooftop began to freeze over, or when the rainclouds dropped the water there in the first place, or when Mrs. McCraw boiled the kettle last week for her cup of tea and the water vapour lazily traipsed its way across the kitchen, assimilating with the surrounding air and eventually the upper atmosphere; hot air rises after all. But no, you had far too much self-determination to attribute your troubles to such causes.
After all, you had been the one who'd decided 3 in the morning was a *great* time for stargazing, you had brought your telescope up the several flights of stairs it took to reach the summit of the apartment complex, you had eyed off the ice skittering across the concrete and flippantly decided to ignore it, and of course you'd decided to place your telescope right at the edge of the safety rail bordering the root itself. Retrospectively you decided it was probably the true culprit in all of this, and you resolved yourself to never make such a foolish mistake ever again.
Oh, right. You're still falling. Never mind, then.
As the ground rises to meet you, air whips past your ears creating a deafening squall. One of cicadas milling about close by, the sporadic whizzes & roars of late-night drivers, but otherwise a really quite peaceful stillness pushes its way forcefully into your ear canal. One of the cicadas winds up in your mouth, and you're moving far too fast to be able to spit it back out. 'If I'm going down, I'm taking you with me' you think to yourself with a mental chuckle.
A lot of people think your last moments alive must surely be terrifying; your life flashes before your eyes, you immediately build up a sizable catalogue of regrets & remorse & renouncements and your last thought is that of sheer, unbridled helplessness. It makes sense, of course there's probably very few people alive today who can claim to be experts on how it feels to die but it *makes sense*. Turns out they're wrong; what you think about is how terrible cicadas taste and oh God he's still buzzing around in there please just stop moving this is really uncomfortable. Shame you wouldn't be around to tell anyone about your amazing discovery.
A flash of light & heat, and the cacophonous 3am tranquility builds to a roiling crescendo in your ears as you hit the pavement with a ceremonious nothing.
Nothing at all. It's like you were never there.
*****
A dull thud echoes through your skull, causing your eyes to flutter open blearily & unwillingly. At first the sudden influx of light causes you blink, but as you adjust to the presence of the Sun you begin to wonder how on Earth the Sun even managed to get there; the last you remember it wasn't anywhere to be found. But let's face it, the last you remember you were about to die in a spectacular, headline-grabbing fashion and it's fair to say preconceptions about whether or not you're about to die take precedence over preconceptions about the time of day wait a second...
Oh shit! The telescope, the railing, the falling. What happened to all of that? Was this some sort of afterlife, or was the whole moonlight astronomy thing some sort of dream? No that seemed stupid; you remembered coming up with that idea. You certainly didn't remember falling asleep in a field of trees.
And it looked like that's exactly where you were. You begin to hesitantly look around and you're met with endless neat, well-kept rows of what appear to be apple trees. And 'appear' is definitely a good choice of words here; these trees are nothing like the ones you're used to. All the foliage is brightly and equally coloured, so much so that it's hard to tell where one leaf ends and another begins. But what were you, a leaf analyst? Not really, and that’s probably not a real job either so who cares; maybe these trees just weren't found in the city or something.
But *everything* you're looking at seems to radiate this Fisher Price vibe; the sky is a uniform blue dotted by flat white clouds, the grass is a neat & tidy green. You look down at the apple next to you, the one that must have woken you up. It too stood in open defiance of palette convention, displaying its red & whites & pinks with absolutely no variation at all. You smile to yourself; Newton gets hit by an apple and discovers gravity, you get hit by an apple and discover you're completely crazy.
The thing is, you feel completely fine. Far better than you had any right to, given the scheduled altercation between yourself & the sidewalk. You deliberately make your way to your feet and bounce up & down in place, flexing your knees to make sure you're altogether. Guess there's nothing else to do but walk. You begin to make your way along the carefully arranged tree rows - it must be an orchid of some sorts you imagine - and your mind starts to wonder what sort of subconscious desire this might represent. That's what it had to be, right? But seriously, apples? An apple orchid? Were you upset deep down that you died before you ever got the chance to you know, propagate the species? Between the intentional plot of land designed to *grow* a *thing* in a planned fashion and the fact that apples had *seeds* you figured you might have something there. Had you secretly desired a life out in the country, away from the hustle & bustle & slippery killer rooftops? Did you just really like apples?
Bang!
'Geez, what was that?' you ask yourself, not really expecting an answer. The sound is followed up by a series of smaller thudding noises; apples falling off the tree you presume. But that means that someone must have *knocked* the apples off the tree oh man, were you going to have to face your ego or whatever? That always seemed like the realm of movies by that guy who filmed Eternal Sunshine, nobody actually *did* that did they? I mean, what would you even say? "Sorry about getting us both killed, you want an apple? It's on the house. No, I actually have a healthy mother/son relationship but thanks for asking!"
The sounds came from somewhere close by and to your left. You resolve yourself to head in that direction; no use running away from something that was a part of you, right? It'd probably know where to find you after all. Before long another loud bang echoes through the orchid, and you can see the source of the sounds off in the distance.
Was that a pair of...hooves? Yep, looked like your ego was a horse; awesome. On the plus side he looked to be a strong horse; being able to kick apples off the tree aside, he appeared to have a thick midsection and sturdy flank. He also appeared to be red in colour, which was odd but hey, you were getting pretty used to everything here being ridiculous at this point. As you approach the horse you notice a few more things about him; namely that he appeared to have a large Granny Smith apple imprinted on his side and his facial features seemed to be more streamlined & pronounced than the horses you're used to seeing (you know, on TV and stuff). His eyes shone a bright green and were near three times the size of the eyes of a regular horse; his brow was furrowed, clearly focused on the task at hand. Despite being an animal, you could tell he was dedicated to accomplishing his task on a level not typically reserved for your run-of-the-mill creature. But hey, you always prided yourself on your conscientiousness, it stands to reason that your ego should feel the same.
You come to a stop about four paces in front of the horse, and attempt to lean casually against an adjacent tree. It's hard not to be nervous though; you're not entirely sure if any of your decisions will impart consequences in this world but they probably do and you're about to talk to a big red horse who could splinter your skull with one well-aimed kick which he seems to be *really good at performing*...
"Uhh, hey there." You hesitantly venture, managing to keep your voice steady despite great odds.
The horse casually raises his head up to regard you and as he takes in your visage he visibly tenses up, his legs locking into place and his head freezing in place at around shoulder-height. Seconds pass, and a slight breeze swishes the leaves in the trees from side-to-side (even though you can't *see* the leaves moving, you can hear them rustling softly). The seconds begin to add up and the horse blinks dumbly, stoically refusing to move from his place as - you assume - he tries to make sense of your presence here.
Well, what now? Are you just going to stand here for seconds, or minutes, or hours until something comes along to break the silence? Might as well break it yourself. "My name's Anonymous, I'm new here." You groan inwardly; this horse is terrified of you it's pretty damn obvious you're new here. For that matter, why are you talking to a horse at all? Maybe he can't talk back because hey just because he got an apple tattoo doesn't mean he's sentient maybe he just has a really stupid redneck owner who got really drunk one night and decided it'd be a laugh to-
"Yep." The horse replied in a strong Western drawl, rolling the 'Y' on his tongue for what felt like forever. Still frozen in place he narrowed his eyes and craned his neck forwards as if to regard you more closely, his pupils dilating in what you would regard as fear if he was a human. But he was a horse, maybe they were dilating in...hunger? The seconds began to build up once more.
"So...what's your name?" One, two, three, four-
"They call me...Macintosh. Big Macintosh."
"Who's they?" One, two, three-
"My family, friends, ponies in town."
"Oh, so there's a town around here?" One, t-
"Yep, Ponyville. Me & the family sell our apples down there."
"I'm guessing you're a pony then."
"Yep." One, two, three, fo-that's long enough.
"Well Big Macintosh, pleasure to meet you." You extend your hand and immediately second-guess yourself because these "ponies" must spend their whole life on all-fours so why on Earth (are you even *on* Earth anymore?) would they shake hands...hooves? How can you SHAKE a HOOF Jesus Christ I'm an idiot maybe he won't notice-
Big Macintosh's lip curled upwards slightly into a small smile as he brought his hoof out to meet your hand and you shook. 'One small step for man...' you think as you smile in return.
"So this Ponyville, could you take me there? I'm kind of...lost." You motion around yourself towards the orchid and shrug your shoulders.
"Well, I've got a fair few apples to buck...but...alright. Can't let nobody wander off on their lonesome. The road's down this way." Big Macintosh turned around to face away from you and pointed down the row of trees. As you squinted you could see the faint outlines of a white picket fence running alongside a neatly-kept dirt road. He began to make steady strides towards it.
"Thanks Big Macintosh."
"Big Mac's fine by me, Anon." He replied, predicting the short-form of your name.
Appearances *can* be deceiving, you suppose.
***
The apple trees have long since given way to trees of the regular variety, their green hues darker in nature and their formations more hap-hazard, the well-groomed lines of the orchid overtaken by clusters, bare patches, thickets of brambles, bushes, shrubs. Small brightly-coloured & brightly-behaved animals scampered through the undergrowth, bringing the decidedly impossible scenery into vivid, inescapable reality. The road continues on unabated in a simple, straight line.
"So Big Mac, where am I exactly?"
"You don't know?"
"No clue, all I remember is waking up in your orchid."
Big Mac shakes his head. "Not my orchid; *our*. Me & Applejack & Granny Smith & Applebloom."
"Right." Geez, these guys sure do love their apples. Wasn't variety the spice of life or something? Maybe that's a human thing.
"You're in Equestria, Anon. It's a big country stretching from Manehattan in the South to Phillydelphia in the North. Heck with Cloudsdale and all, it's even in the sky. We've got two Princesses running the place, and a few other towns around the place. Ponyville's somewhere in the middle." You turn to regard Big Mac. He didn't seem to be a big talker, but the words he did say were carefully chosen. Between that and the obviously farm-borne accent you assume that he's not a big fan of wasted effort, and you begin to wonder what he thinks of typical conversational convention wherein people speak volumes about nothing in particular.
He stops in the middle of the road and turns his face to meet yours, eyes glancing upwards to catch your own. They really were massive, you probably didn't need to say so much as a pony when your eyes were the size of dinner plates. Gateway to the soul and all that.
"Cat got your tongue? Town's not much further." He continues onwards, and you smile to yourself as you recommence your walking.
"So Anon...what are you exactly?"
"That's a bit of a vague question, Big Mac."
"You know what I mean; I haven't seen the likes of you around these parts before."
"Well, I'm a human."
"Hu...man," He shakes his head, "Nope, never heard of ya."
You chuckle. "Well, we're big in some parts of the world."
"I reckon you should visit Twilight Sparkle. She's the brains in Ponyville, if anypony knows anything about hu-mans it'll be her."
Anypony.
A-ny-po-ny.
Alright then.
"She far away?"
He shakes his head. "Nope, just over this hill."
As you make your way to the hilltop, the peaks of tiled rooftops come into view. Soon they're joined by the intricate straw arrangements of thatched cottages, and before long the entirety of Ponyville lies before you. The dirt road at your feet turns to cobblestones at the foot of the hill, and it leads into a haphazardly-arranged assortment of houses, the road losing its singular direction and veering off to the left & right in a variety of twists & turns. The houses seem to be largely simple in design, mostly single-storey and with modest, tidy gardens at the bookending them. In the centre of town appears to be a clearing where several stalls are placed, pony street vendors hawking their wares to the passers-by. And passers-by there were; the landscape was dotted with bright, pastel ponies going about their day. It looks like they weren't all red; you can see shades of pink & purple & yellow & brown & well everything really scurrying along the streets, the clacking of their hooves against the streets coming together to form a discordant rhythm that seems to echo the discordance of your day so far.
Big Mac nods towards a house nearby, just down the road a bit and to the left. "That's her."
As you walk towards it, you notice how this house differs from the ones surrounding it. Probably because it was a giant tree and every other house was, you know, a house. It was a large tree too, the trunk stretching upwards over the neighbouring houses and branching outwards in every direction, the foliage dotted across its limbs but neatly sorted into separate pockets. There were a couple of circular lavender windows that stood out against the bark surface, and a red door was planted firmly amongst the tree roots. This part of Ponyville seemed to be relatively quiet at the moment; no ponies were in the streets. Probably a good thing, you didn't want to have to go through the same introduction you had with Big Mac any more times than was absolutely necessary.
Big Mac raised his hoof to the door and rapped gently, the door making a highly-pitched thunk as he made contact. A few seconds pass, and the door swings open to reveal...a baby dragon?
You probably should stop being surprised at this point.
He was purple - with green scales running along his spine - and he didn't come up much past your waist. Much like Big Mac his eyes were far bigger than they had any right to be, and one of his tiny claws was clutching a nondescript blue gemstone.
"Big Mac? This had better be good, I was getting ready for lunch."
Big Mac uses his head to motion behind himself in your direction and a sharp intake of breath cuts through the Ponyville ambiance, soon followed by the lone clatter of a blue gem hitting the wooden floorboards of the house. Yet again, a few seconds pass by.
"...Twilight? Twilight? You should probably get out here." The dragon calls into the expanse of the house, then turning back to yourself & Big Mac, his eyes wide with what was probably four parts fear, six parts curiosity. Or something like that, you were never big on numbers.
The clicking of hooves across the timber makes itself known, and yet another pony makes its way into view. This one had a purple coat, and was clearly less physically impressive than Big Mac; you guessed it was a female. Her mane was both pink & a darker shade of purple, and in the middle of her head was a...horn? She was a unicorn?
You probably should stop being surprised at this point.
As she came into full view, you could see three stars emblazoned across her flank and it became obvious that the tattooist in this town must be absolutely loaded.
"Spike? What is i-oh Celestia!" She exclaimed as she jumped in place a little bit, her tail frozen firmly in the air as her eyes took on the exact same look that Spikes had.
One, two, three, four.
"Big Mac?"
"Yep."
"...Who's that?" She asked nervously, her hoof dangling haphazardly as she pointed towards you.
"Name's Anon, says he's a hu-man. Thought you might like to take a look."
Twilight recovers her composure and nods in reply, anxiously smiling at the implicit compliment. "Thanks for thinking of me, Big Mac. Come in, come in, I'm thinking there's a lot to talk about." She pushed the door inwards with her head, and it swung back to reveal a rather impressive collection of books. Shelves were carved into the walls and looped around the entire circumference of the room, stacked as high as the ceiling. You could even see some piles of books off in the far corner that Twilight clearly hadn't had space for. The spines were all carefully placed alongside each other, giving the clear impression that Twilight really, *really* liked to read.
She nodded towards a set of four chairs situated around a round table in the centre of the room and you proceed to sit down next to Big Mac, with Twilight and Spike sitting opposite. The fear in Twilight's eyes seemed to be extinguished, replaced by a slight twinkle of excitement.
"So, your name's Anon?"
"Sure is." You nod.
"And you're a hu-man."
"Just human, and yes."
"What is a human? I've never read about such a thing in any of my books before."
You make a point of looking around at the veritable library of literature surrounding you. "And I'm guessing if there was a book in Equestria on the topic, you'd have read it right?" You grin sheepishly; maybe it wasn't the best idea to directly antagonise one of the first ponies you come across they could make your life *very* difficult you've got to stop being such a-
Twilight laughed quietly. "You noticed, huh? I haven't read *every* book around but I'm getting there. And no, humans haven't really popped up at all so you'll have to forgive me for being a bit...curious."
You smile at her. "Well, humans come from somewhere called Earth. And I’m guessing Earth in an unknown quantity also?"
She nods her head in reply.
"Alright, well on Earth humans are the only creatures who can speak. The ponies do nothing but neigh, and none of the other animals can talk to us; we're alone I guess. But that's okay, there's six billion of us so you never really *feel* alone. What else...well we have houses just like you do, and sometimes we build ten or twenty or fifty houses on top of each other so that as many humans have a home as possible. We work for money, we exchange that money for food & water & other things, we have schools & universities where humans can go to learn more about the world & how they fit into it, uhh-"
Twilight held a hoof up in the air. "That's enough; it sounds like your...Earth...has a lot in common with us. Where did you learn Equestrian?"
"Equestrian?"
"Your words! Your language! Don't you think it's a bit strange that you can interact with us using the exact same dialect even though you're a species we've never heard of and come from a place that we don't know anything about?"
You raise an eyebrow. "I woke up about an hour ago and found myself in a place that I'd never heard about and now I'm talking to a species I never knew existed. I'm starting to get pretty acquainted with the idea of strange."
A brief pause.
"So, what happens now? I mean I don't really want to impose on anybo...any*pony* but if the alternative is being homeless then I know what I'd choose." You venture hopefully.
Twilight smiles warmly at you, placing her hoof on top of one of your free hands resting on the wooden table surface. The sensation is a lot softer than you'd expect a hoof to be, you think to yourself. "It's okay, Anon; we're not in the business of sending anypony out to pasture if we can help it. I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
****
Twilight Sparkle was a good pony.
As she laid down in her bed, the stillness of the night air occasionally punctuated by the short, sharp breaths of Spike lying prone in his bed on the floor next to her, she thought back to her time studying in Canterlot, the capital city of Equestria. Deep within the medieval regalia of the capital, amongst the turrets & drawbridges & flags sat the Canterlot Library, a monumental construction that positively dwarfed all other libraries in the land. To put it another way, Twilight’s house was to the Canterlot Library as an ant is to every single African elephant that has ever lived.
This is where Twilight studied under the tutelage of Princess Celestia, the ruler & overseer of Equestria. For several years she had pored over as many books as she could manage – far more than any other pony would consider reasonable or even possible – and had barely managed to make a dent in the archives vast catalogue. None of the other fillies her age had been able to understand what motivated her; the cheers & cries of youth fell on Twilight’s deaf ears as she ran headlong into a world of arcane teachings & legends.
Of course, fillies were *supposed* to have fun; they weren’t supposed to spend their every waking hour learning about the life & times of Starswirl the Bearded. But with great sacrifice can come great reward, and Twilight was rewarded with magical abilities that far outshone her peers. Every unicorn possessed magic, but when your magic could accomplish little more than levitating errant twigs you couldn’t expect to change the world. And this was exactly what Twilight intended to do; she hoped beyond hope that one day the stories of Equestrian lore that she loved so much would blossom into reality and she would be called on to protect the lives of the innocent.
And then they would all know that she was a good pony.
The redemption of Nightmare Moon – the twisted, corrupted form of Celestias sister Luna – had long since passed, and the citizens of Ponyville that had witnessed the near-tragedy were beginning to allow it to flicker out of their consciousness. Life stopped for nopony, and there were public works to commence and festivals to be organised and crops to be harvested. Twilight’s eyebrows involuntarily slumped, in what appeared to be simple fatigue but what was really a vague frustration; she wasn’t so conceited as to think she outright deserved immortalisation alongside her childhood heroes but she wanted somepony else to think she did.
Fortunately the assignment she’d received from the Princess had mostly pushed these thoughts from her mind, replacing them with a deep-seated sense of contentment & happiness that she had not known before in her young life. Princess Celestia had sent Twilight to Ponyville in order to contribute to the Equestrian knowledge base on the topic of friendship, a concept that had proven itself to be invaluable during the Nightmare Moon incident and that the Princess believed would continue to have great use in later years. While compiling her observations Twilight had become close friends with a group of ponies from the town: Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash & Rarity. The company these five afforded her had begun to grant her the childhood she’d never had, and she was starting to understand just why her peers in Canterlot had found it so difficult to befriend her.
A sigh murmured through the bedroom as Twilight closed her eyes and slept. There was still much to organise concerning the town’s new arrival, and if she was right in her suspicions then there would be plenty of questions that had to be answered.
It might not be as important as stopping a great & evil threat, but it would be important to Anon. And an ever-growing part of her thought that this was more than enough.
****
Twilight Sparkle was a good pers-*pony*.
Her house had nothing to offer in the way of guest rooms, however she did have spare bedding and linen at the ready. And thus you found yourself spilling over the sides of a mattress clearly designed for someon…some*pony* who wasn’t you, staring up at an unfamiliar wooden ceiling, surrounded by a sea of knowledge that seemed to stand in open defiance of your very existence.
But hey, you are you and you know that you are you; no number of articles & volumes & citations can take away from that, however it does make you wonder what exactly has happened to you. With the immediate worry of shelter taken care of – for now at least – your thoughts begin to divert back towards the patterns they formed earlier today. You felt pretty sure that the whole internalised confrontation concept was a dead-end at this point; there was no way your brain could come up with such a thoroughly unfathomable setting & cast, let alone keep you hostage for such a long period of time. Hell, in even the hottest sex dreams you had you still managed to be Gone In 60 Seconds.
The only reasonable alternative you could conclude was that this was in fact the real deal, and that idea was really pushing the boundaries of your sanity. Feasibility of a world that seemed to ignore the most basic of colouring conventions existing aside, how did you get here at all? Was this proof positive of a divine presence in the world? Fluke wormhole? Voodoo curse? All possibilities, and all things you assumed were simply not possible or likely or real. The very strong chance that you were mistaken in that regard really opened the floodgates, and it made you wonder exactly what other misconceptions you might have.
It’s a good thing then that you’re able to distract yourself once again with more pressing issues. Specifically, what now? Twilight and yourself had agreed that the presence of a creature in Ponyville with no historical precedent that towered over its inhabitants would likely cause some sort of consternation amongst the townsfolk, and as such the two of you had decided it would be best if you laid low for at least the first night. But that was no way to live; you’d have to make yourself known eventually. The questions then were when and how you planned to accomplish this, and they weren’t exactly easy to answer. Twilight’s recommendation had been to speak to the town Mayor tomorrow; her rationale being that if the town was informed you weren’t dangerous by an official voice then the risk of reprisal would be diminished. It made sense – Twilight really did seem to have her head screwed on right – but she didn’t seem confident that the Mayor would be easily persuaded of your harmlessness.
You yourself were convinced enough though, so you allowed yourself to breathe a small sigh of relief. Everything seemed to be working out okay, aside from the whole being inexplicably transported to a world where you had to suspend your disbelief so far it could circumnavigate the Solar System. You’d even managed to make friends of sorts; both Twilight & Big Mac had been nothing but welcoming & understanding & just generally willing to stick their necks out for you. That was hard enough to come by in a well-established friend back on Earth; to find it two times over on your first day in Equestria seemed nothing short of amazing. Perhaps you simply had good luck this time around.
Big Mac had said he’d be returning tomorrow to see how you were coping with everything, and he’d also spoken about bringing some of the family along for the ride as well. You supposed that his reasoning was in part to do with being able to verify that he had in fact shirked his duties today for a good reason; presumably running home and claiming you’d had to go because a colossal alien creature needed directions wouldn’t be all that convincing. Even so you were happy for the visitation; Big Mac seemed to be a good pers-ony and you could only imagine any family of his would be the same.
The mattress was soft & supple & downy and despite its unwieldy size, you find that it’s beginning to work its magic. As your eyes slide shut for the final time you picture a moment when the questions & gnawing uncertainties of your presence here have been resolved, and yourself & Twilight & Big Mac are sitting around the same table you occupied today, the veiled interrogation replaced by the joyous back & forth of conversation between good friends. And for a group of simple acquaintances, it seemed like that might not be as out of reach as it would have been back on Earth.
‘That’s enough thinking for now.’ you think.
Part Two – Asking Me Lies
The sun drew faint slivers of light across the horizon, throwing the lone farmstead & accompanying structures that comprised Sweet Apple Acres into dim view. The unpainted timber veranda & walls of the house offered a muted reflection in return, the varnish capturing the fledgling rays and magnifying them, spilling over onto the adjoining apple orchid, its fruits absorbing the second-hand lighting & using it in the commencement of their daily photosynthetic ritual.
All of which is to say, it was sunrise on Saturday morning.
This outlook was familiar & comforting to Applejack, who alongside her brother Big Mac made the trip into town at the same time every week in order to set up their traditional apple stall for the weekly food markets. Much like her brother Applejack was a hardy, seasoned pony, one who would make the best of any bad situation; make lemonade from lemons, or whatever the apple-based equivalent might be. She had a light orange coat often matted with the slight coating of dust & sweat that typically accompanied a hard day’s work, and she hadn’t been seen without her Akubra hat for what felt like years.
It was a good thing that she had a strong constitution; anypony else may have been terrified by the story her brother was recounting to her. She was merely concerned.
“So you’re telling me that there’s a twelve-hoof tall two-legged critter who can talk, and he’s sleeping on Twilight’s floor right now.” Applejack’s accent was similar to that of her brother, the Texan twang trilling through the trees.
“Yep.” Big Mac replied monosyllabically, drawing out the initial letter as if it softened the blow somewhat. He carried a wooden cart behind him, resplendent with various apples looking to be sold.
“And you don’t know where he came from or how he ended up on our farm.”
“Yep.”
“And *he* doesn’t know how he ended up on our farm.”
“Yep.”
“Gee, you sure were more lively a few seconds ago.”
“I can’t tell ya what I don’t know, sis. All I know is he’s here now and he could probably do with some help settling in.”
“But why should we help? I mean, do we even know how clever this Anon character is? He might just be a cheap mimic or something, you know like a parrot.” Applejack prided herself on being an honest pony, and while she consequentially also thought of herself as a good one the twin concepts didn’t always mesh together perfectly.
Big Mac shook his head resolutely. “You didn’t hear what I heard. He told me & Twi about where he came from, and you wouldn’t be saying what ya are now if you were there with me.”
Applejack looked over at her brother quizzically, the apple train he was tethered to following surely behind. “If you say so brother, but I’ll believe it when I see it for myself.”
The two walked the rest of the distance to Ponyville in silence, their words giving way to the squawks & squalls of birds chattering amongst themselves to communicate that yes it was sunrise on Saturday morning, and the day was about to begin.
****
Hooves. You really weren’t a fan of hooves right now.
Twilight seemed to be an early riser, and the incessant clicks & clacks that followed her as she pottered about the house forcibly drove you from your slumber, causing you to unceremoniously flounder onto the floor, pulling & yanking at your bedsheets to try unsuccessfully to disentangle yourself. The noises cease, and you look up to see Twilight regarding you with one eyebrow raised.
“You okay down there?”
You jump up from the floor, the sheet following you & coming to envelop your body. “I could ask you the same question Twilight, you look like you’ve seen a ghoooost.” You raise your arms up menacingly.
She giggled. “Come on, I’ve put on some tea.” She nodded towards the kitchen, where a small, white & lavender floral-print tea set sat perched atop the table. You sit down and as Twilight comes over to join you you’re able to see out into the street from the window. Ponies dot the streetscape; flashes of blues & pinks & greens & yellows flicker in and out of the frame as they go about their morning business. A mauve pony with a light pink mane is out in her front garden, tending to her plants with watering can in mouth. A watering can really seemed like a poor choice if you had to hold the can that way; you’d be tilting your head to & fro and between that and the weight of the water it’d probably get pretty tiring. Back on Earth (Back on Earth?! Never thought you’d say that) people seemed to regard gardening as being somewhat meditative & relaxing; this didn’t seem to be either.
Twilight sat down alongside you. “What are you looking at so seriously?”
You point over at the mare in question. “That pony there, in the garden.”
“Who, Cheerilee?”
“Yeah, her. Why is she using a watering can?”
Twilight looks at you as if you suddenly had your IQ halved. “To water her plants, maybe?”
You shake your head. “No I mean, why is she using this particular device rather than something else? Surely it would make a lot more sense to have the handle be some sort of switch, where if you apply pressure to it while it’s in your mouth it opens a passage for the water to come out. Means you wouldn’t have to bother swishing your head from side to side to do the job.”
Twilight looks back towards the window and narrows her eyes, as if bringing the picture into greater focus will enable her to see the utility of the can. It doesn’t work; she leans back in her chair and scratches her head. “I don’t know Anon, I really don’t. I’d honestly never thought about it, but you’re right.”
You shrug your shoulders. “Makes sense; if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.” You pivot your chair to face her, scraping across the floor as you do. “So, battle plan. What are your thoughts?”
“Well, my first thought would be not to say things like “battle plan”. Us ponies aren’t exactly big on fighting if we can help it.”
“Operational agenda, then. Or The Fluffy Marshmallow Friendship Manifesto, that works too.”
“Well, the first fluffy marshmallow task we’ve got to complete is speaking to Mayor Mare about you. I don’t know if we’d have much luck getting you to Town Hall without attracting attention, so I can probably ask her to pay us a visit. For your part, you probably just need to focus on looking harmless.”
“How do I do that, exactly? My “I Love Ponies” t-shirt needs to be washed. Also, it’s on Earth.”
“It’s not rocket science; stay sitting down so you don’t tower over her, look relaxed, be friendly, the usual. It’s just something to keep in mind.”
“Gotcha.”
A knock at the door seemed to arrive with perfect conversational timing, as Twilight scooted over to answer it. You crane your neck out past the kitchen doorframe and see Big Mac enter the house, nodding at Twilight in acknowledgement as he does. He’s accompanied by a smaller, orange mare whose flank is adorned with three bright red apples. Guess it must run in the family.
She looks over at you and her ears prick up, causing the brown cowboy hat on her head to fall to the floor.
“Codsarnit.” You hear her mutter as she deftly kicks the hat upwards onto her hoof, launching it from there to land on her head perfectly. You stand up from the table and walk over to the door, where the three seem to have congregated.
“So you’re Anonymous then, are ya?”
“It was the hands that gave me away, wasn’t it?”
Applejack’s eyes relaxed, and she smiled slightly. “That and a couple of other things. Well, I guess Big Mac here wasn’t pulling a fast one on us.”
“You have enough apples for the stall?”
“Anonymous, one thing you’ll learn about us is that we *always* have enough apples. Always. Well we’d best get back to it; the markets’ll be opening up soon.” She places a hoof on your waist; seems like ponies are the touchy-feely sort. “I heard your story Anonymous, and it doesn’t sound like a good one so far. If ya need anything at all you know where to find us.” She turned on her hoof and headed in the direction of the town square.
“See ya ‘round, Anon.” Big Mac tacked on as he followed behind in slow, measured lockstep.
“It’s not always going to be that easy, is it?”
Twilight shakes her head. “Applejack’s borderline-unflappable. The rest of Ponyville, not so much.”
****
“So you don’t have hooves.”
“No.”
“And you don’t have fur.”
“I get a little around the chin if I leave it for a week, that’s about it.”
“And you don’t have a tail.”
“No.”
“But you can *talk*?!”
“Well that is what we’re doing right now.”
And you had been for some time, unfortunately. Mayor Mare was slumped in her chair in Twilight’s library, facing you with glazed-over eyes as if she simply couldn’t comprehend the situation. This theory was further given credence by the fact that you’d had this same conversation with her three times in a row.
Twilight finally saw fit to interject. “Mayor, I know this is a lot to take in; I don’t think we’ve had a new species turn up in Equestria in, well, forever probably. But Anon here is just as clever as you & I, and he needs your help to be able to fit in around here. We’ve only just returned Ponyville to normal after the parasprite swarm, do you really want another town-wide panic on your hooves?”
This seemed to get through to the Mayor, who sat bolt upright in her chair. “You’re right Twilight Sparkle, as always. There’s a lot of hoof traffic going through the markets this afternoon, perhaps we should address this right now so that Anonymous here can get on with living his life.”
“This afternoon? As in, this afternoon this afternoon?”
Twilight turned to face you with a hopeful smile on her face. “It’s got to beat holing up in here for a few more days. Besides, you’ll have to face everypony eventually.”
You sighed in as decisive fashion as a sigh can be. “You’re right Twilight Sparkle, *as always*.”
Twilight grinned at you, whilst Mayor Mare simply nodded politely; you had a feeling she would have rolled her eyes or sulked or some-such had she not held office at this point in time. But maybe you were being overly cynical; so far you’d been living in a constant state of surprise at the level of happiness that these ponies seemed to be in, it made sense that the Mayor of the town would embody these same attributes.
The two ponies got out of their chairs and made for the door and you followed suit, the Equestrian sunlight forcing its way through the doorway as you stepped out to realise your fate.
Fate, as decided by pastel-paint ponies. It could be worse.
****
The Ponyville Markets were pretty much a dead ringer for the markets on Earth, if a little more subdued. Street vendors hawked their wares to whoever was unfortunate enough to turn their heads at the wrong moment, ponies deftly weaved in & out of the maze of stalls clutching bags in their mouths, and a lone mint-green harpist plucked a gentle melodic backdrop that floated across the entirety of the scene. Of course it was also a lot smaller than the markets you were used to, less a sea and more a shallow pond. But it was still positively teeming with ponies, and that was exactly what Dr. Sparkle ordered.
At the left-hand side of the markets sat the Ponyville Town Hall, which had a small patio running along its perimeter. Mayor Mare stood at the mouth of the patio and turned to face the citizenry.
“Fillies and gentlecolts, may I have your attention please?” She spoke, and as it echoed out amongst the congregation their ears perked up and they turned to face her. It was funny how they hadn’t seemed to notice you as of yet, however the Mayor did seem to do a good job of commanding attention.
Also, *fillies and gentlecolts*?
Jesus Christ, how horrifying.
“We have a new colt amongst our ranks today, and I’d like to take the time to introduce him to everypony.”
The crowd looked with uncertainty amongst themselves, as if trying to spot the newcomer. Perhaps it hadn’t occurred to them that it might not be a pony at all? After all it sounded like humans weren’t found around here too often, so maybe they just saw you as part of the scenery? That said, if you say a bright-purple wide-eyed pony standing in the middle of the road you’d probably take notice. Then again, bright purple beats out beige for conspicuousness any day of the week so maybe you were-
“Eek!” A sudden yelp & a pointed hoof cut through your thoughts, as the market harpist pointed her bright-green hoof towards you. The other marketgoers looked in the hoof’s direction, and soon you were being met by a listless ocean of pointed tails & pricked ears, much like Twilight & Applejack had responded. The typical ruckus & rabble of any given cluster of individuals died away, and a deafening silence overtook them as you tried to make eye contact with everypony at once (I mean, they were all staring at you), tried to convince them that you weren’t dangerous or threatening, tried to-
“Ahem.” Mayor Mare’s calm, commanding voice cut through the tension like a superheated chainsaw through an Extra Soft brand of margarine (sometimes similes need a little emphasis) and your pony scrutineers all returned to their scheduled programming.
“His name is Anonymous, and I know he’s different – very different, in fact – but he deserves the exact same treatment as you or I. He’s been through a lot these past couple of days, so if you could help him settle in that would be appreciated. Any questions, anypony?” The last words were laced with a vague & intangible malice that results in absolutely nopony having any question whatsoever.
“Alright then, enjoy the markets & let’s hear it for our new Ponyvillian!”
Mayor Mare’s sentence is almost cut off by the sudden stamping of hooves, their collective impacts against the ground providing an excellent simulation of what a stampede must sound like. The ponies all turned to face you, their apprehension replaced with an apologetic acceptance. You assumed this must be the pony equivalent of applause and you allowed your smile to beam out amongst the assemblage, hopefully assuring them that the Mayor was right in her implications & that you intended to do right by everypony.
Your hopes were soon confirmed as you were swamped from all sides and peppered by a barrage of questions so thick that you couldn’t even begin to answer one before four others took its place.
“So what sort of pony are you, anyway?”
“What in Equestria are those long wriggly things on your hooves?”
“Are they worms? Gross!”
“Did somepony give you a bad haircut? A really bad haircut, all over your body?”
“Hey! My haircuts are first-rate!”
“Are you getting a neckache from looking down so much?”
“Looking down?! We’re just as good as you are, mister!”
“Enough!” cried out a certain purple unicorn, silencing the throng in an instant. Twilight stepped out in front of you and stood in a confrontational matter, meeting the eyes of anypony who dared to look at her. “Everypony go back to your business, it’s his first day in town and already you’re acting like a pack of wild animals.”
Heh, animals – it’s funny ‘cause they’re all goddamn it brain this is not the time for that.
Begrudgingly, the crowd parted and returned to whatever task had occupied them before your arrival. Some still eyed you with caution, but for the most part it seemed as though everypony had just been caught up in the moment. It was hard to blame them; if aliens had landed on Earth you’d have billions upon billions of people craning their necks inquisitively in your direction. At least here there was only like, a hundred.
Twilight turned to look at you apologetically. “Geez Anon, I’m sorry about all that. I knew they’d be surprised but I didn’t think it’d be that bad.”
You smile at her, softening her features in appreciation. “It’s okay Twilight, you didn’t plan this and you did a great job of fixing it.” You pause. “You didn’t plan this, did you?”
“Anon! How could you suggest such a thing after I took you in no questions asked and gave you a bed and-“
The giant, stupid grin on your face cuts her accusations short.
Twilight sighed in exasperation. “It’s been a day and already you know exactly how to get me riled up.”
“To be fair, it’s kinda fitting that anypony can read you like a book.”
That put a smile on her face. “I suppose you’re right. Say, did you want to eat something? We never really got around to it last night and I’m guessing humans need a little bit more than air to function properly.”
Suddenly the mental & physical exertion of the past twenty-four hours catches up with your digestive tract in the space of three seconds and you feel unquestionably, unfathomably hollow. Like pulling away the wallpaper in a room and seeing that termites have eaten the entirety of the supporting beams of your house and you only have one minute before the roof comes crashing down. It’s enough to make you want to sink to your knees in discomfort, which is exactly what you do, clutching your stomach all the while.
Twilight extends a helpful hoof in your direction. “Come with me if you want to live.”
You smile weakly and take it, letting her help you to your feet. “Lead the way.”
****
A gargantuan stack of pancakes lands on the pink table with a mighty thud, signalling its arrival.
“Thank you, Mrs. Cake.”
“It’s no problem at all sweetie, and welcome to Ponyville. This one’s on me.”
She makes a warm smile at you and disappears through the doors behind the counter. Twilight brought you to Sugarcube Corner, the local bakery, and you highly doubt that there’s a bakery on Earth as proficient as this one at looking like a baked good. The entire building has been made to resemble a giant gingerbread house, complete with cookie-cutter bay windows & mortar made from white icing. As the structure makes its way into view while walking through the streets any hunger you felt at the time would almost certainly have to at least double; good thing for you you were so ravaged by hunger at this point that such a thing wasn’t possible. Still, it probably helped a great deal with making sales.
That’s right; you were ridiculously hungry. No time for subtlety.
You roll the topmost pancake into a cylinder and down the whole thing in two bites, drawing a surprised look from Twilight, who was sitting opposite you with a solitary white-chocolate cupcake in front of her.
You grin sheepishly. “It’s been a while.”
“Hey, that’s how I eat ‘em too!”
The saloon-style kitchen doors swung open with a sudden crash as a cotton-candy pink pony sprung out from behind them. Cotton candy was a good way to describe her actually, her mane & tail bounced off her coat in a series of loosely-coiled ringlets that really did give them the appearance of spun sugar and oh God how did she get over here so quickly?
The pink pony bounced up & down in place excitedly about two centimetres from where you were sitting.
“Hi! I’m Pinkie Pie, nice to meet ya!”
“Let me guess, you’re called Pinkie because you’re pink right?”
“Well my parents couldn’t exactly call me Orangey Pie now, could they?” Pinkie frowned in concentration. “Hmm, I guess they could. Maybe if they were colourblind or something. Wow, being colourblind must be awful! You couldn’t see how pink I am!”
“Thankfully none of us have that problem. My name’s Anonymous, nice to meet you Pinkie.”
“I know who you are, silly; I saw you getting mobbed by all the ponies down at the markets. Good thing Twilight was there to save you, you’ve really got to learn to stand up for yourself!”
“Why spend the effort when somepony else is willing to do it for me?”
“Well, maybe I won’t be so generous next time!” Twilight regarded you with a playful frown, turning her nose up at you.
You roll your eyes. “Thank you oh great & wise Twilight the Brave, whose abilities to dispel crowds will surely be passed down generation to generation through campfire stories & urban legends.”
“That’s better.” She replied, her frown disappearing completely.
“Ooh, camping?! I’ve never been camping! Can we go Twilight, can we?” It almost sounded like Twilight was her mum or something.
“We could I guess, but I thought you always liked to throw a welcome party for any newcomers we have around here.”
“It can be both! We can all go out to the forest and roast marshmallows and start a fire and tell stories and it’ll be so much fun and Nonny can meet the rest of the girls and-“
“Excuse me, uh, Nonny?”
“Anonymous,” Pinkie intoned your name in a dull, zombified accent, “is such a big & long name, I can’t keep calling you that. You’ve gotta keep up, Nonnykins.”
You had to admit, the frenetic pace at which Pinkie went about conversing was uplifting. “Alright, camping. That sounds like fun, I wouldn’t mind seeing a bit more of Equestria anyway.”
And with no further provocation, Pinkie sped out of the room & back to the kitchen, the saloon doors swinging wildly from the impact, her voice trailing off into nothingness as it disappeared into the hidden rooms. “Ooh, this is going to be great what should I bring? Is it gonna be cold? Wait we’ll have a fire, oh I love bonfires! I should tell the others, they’ll have to get ready – Wait! Do we need a tent? Do I have a tent? I’ll have to go shopping, oh I love shopping!”
“So, that’s Pinkie Pie then.”
Twilight nodded knowingly. “That’s Pinkie Pie. She can be a bit of a hoofful at first, but she grows on you.”
“Nah, I like her. I don’t get particularly excited about most things, it’s nice to meet somepony who’s excited enough for two. Or twenty, even.”
“You’ve got that right,” Twilight says as she takes a thoughtful nibble at her cupcake, “Say, Anonymous?”
“What’s up?”
“You…like me too, right?” She asked, the hopefulness in her eyes as obvious as her eyes were gigantic why on Earthquestria were their eyes so huge?
“Twilight, you said it yourself; you let me stay with you, you trusted me when I told you who and what I am, and you’re really helping me with this whole fitting in thing. That kind of reads like a list of things you’ve done for me, but it’s not about that; it’s a reflection of who you are. You’re ready & willing to see the goodness in things, and you’re ready to put your hoof on the line to protect the interests of others. That makes you a good person, and I like good people. Not to mention you seem to be doing a great job of keeping up with me and the hilarious things I say. So yes Twilight, I like you.”
Twilight stared at you for a moment before recomposing herself. “Wow, that sure was a mouthful.”
You shrug your shoulders. “Eh, I can be articulate when I feel the need.”
An almost impossibly wide smile stretched across Twilight’s muzzle. “Thank you, that really means a lot to me.”
“I’ve got a question though.”
“Sure, what is it?”
“Why *does* it mean so much to you?”
“That’s a bit of a vague question, Anon.”
“Well, I can’t say I know a lot about Equestrian friendships & etiquette and the like, so I could be mistaken here, but don’t you think life would be better if you simply assumed other ponies liked you already, and didn’t second-guess yourself? If you keep wondering “Does this pony like me? Maybe they don’t, oh gosh I should fix that!” then you’ll spend all your time modulating your behaviour based on who you spend time with and at that point, you’re not being you. Being authentic is important, and if “who you are” is nothing but a composite character of the pony you act like when you’re around pony X, pony Y or pony Z then a very good question to ask would be ‘Who is the real Twilight Sparkle?’”
Twilight’s eyes bulged as she processed this information. “That’s…that’s a really, really good point. I hope nopony else thinks that about me.” She cast her eyes downwards.
“Oh, I’m not saying I think you’re a dishonest pony or anything! Attributes like this can only really spring from good intentions, and moreover it’s pretty hard to craft a new persona. But there’s a chance you simply secede from your own will a little bit more than everypony else.”
She looked back up at you, a hesitant smile on her face. “I guess I’m still new to this whole having friends thing. I didn’t have anypony else until a few months ago, well except for my big brother of course. But family’s different; you can act like yourself around family and not worry about being judged for it. I suppose I just…” Determination shot across her features, galvanising her expression. “I don’t want to go back to how I was, with my nose too far into a book to be able to see what’s going on around me. It just doesn’t sound appealing anymore.”
You reach across the table and run your hand through her mane, lightly tousling the pink & purple hair. “Sometimes part of being friends is being able to lay your hopes & fears on the table and have faith that your friends will accept you with your baggage.”
Her smile grew a little bit. “Does that make us friends then?”
“It sure sounds like it. Now let’s get out of here, we’ve got a trip to pack for.”
You stood up and headed for the door, Twilight bounding behind with a definite spring in her step. “I think I have a letter to write as well.”
“Who to?”
“Princess Celestia, the ruler of Equestria. I’m on assignment here at her request, compiling a report on the nature of friendship. Every week, I send her a letter detailing a new discovery I’ve made in the field.” Studying friendship? It would be adorable if it didn’t sound so ridiculous.
“So this represents a new discovery then?”
“It is to me! I’m sure she’ll be really excited to hear about it.”
“Twilight, do you think you could do me a favour?”
“Sure, anything.”
“Think you could leave my name out of it? Between the whole this isn’t my home planet predicament and making acquaintances, I’ve got a fair bit going on. It’d probably make my life easier if the whole country didn’t know about me just yet.”
Twilight nodded, albeit with a hint of sadness. “I understand, although I’m sure the Princess would love to meet you. Maybe some other time.”
“Maybe.”
The two of you walked side-by-side back to Twilight’s tree-house, ready to prepare for the night ahead.
