Warnings and Disclaimers:
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I do not condone any of the actions taken by the characters in this work. These are all very bad ponies, especially the lawyers. This is all nothing more than a monument to my juvenile sense of humor.
Not sure how to format this correctly here. Sorry, but the court document formatting only exists on the google doc version here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1DXezWfod-b7goxMis7XntgrnxDdhr3aCnMaxSstAlNk/edit?hl=en&authkey=CLSK-7oE
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Characters in this work are property of their respective owners, I do not own any of them, and do not intend to make any sort of profit off of this work.
This My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic fanfiction involves shipping. If you don't know what that means, please go read up on it at http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Shipping before reading.
If you are made uncomfortable by ANY form of romance between ANY two intelligent beings, this fanfiction may not be to your liking. Continue only with caution.
And now, on with the show:
IN THE EQUESTRIA DISTRICT COURT
FOR THE OUTER DISTRICT OF CANTERLOT
AT PONYVILLE, CANTERLOT PROVINCE, EQUESTRIA
The Principality of Equestria,
Government,
Vs.
The Mayor of Ponyville,
Defendant,
Transcript of witness Twilight Sparkle before the honorable Powder Wig on April 22, some year or other
As recorded by the magic of soon-to-be-former stenographer Needle Horn. The record will show whatever Needle Horn damn well pleases, because he's going to be in the Gryphon Lands by this time tomorrow, sipping drinks with little umbrellas in them on the beach.
Appearances:
The record will show that the stenographer does not care about their names and calls them as he sees them.
On behalf of the government:
Some Douchebag In A Suit
Big Stuffy Lawyer
Assistants Equestrian Attourneys
On behalf of the defendant:
Scum Bag
Con E. Shyster
Disgusting Money-Grubbing Lawyers
THE COURT: Your next witness, Mr. Douchebag.
DOUCHEBAG: Twilight Sparkle
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
Was sworn in and magically bound to speak no word that is not true and testified as follows:
DIRECT EXAMINATION
BY THAT SAME DOUCHEBAG:
Q. Good morning. Can you please state and spell your name for the record?
A. Twilight Sparkle, T-W-I-L-I-G-H-T S-P-A-R-K-L-E
Q. In what capacity are you familiar with the defendant?
A. I knew her as the mayor of Ponyville for six years during my residency there, though we were never close until iI worked as her administrative assistant for several months.
Q. And when you were hired as her administrative assistant, you intended to have a purely business relationship with the defendant?
A. Um, that was my intention, yes.
The record will show that the stenographer has never heard anyone say 'um' while under a truth spell. But the lawyers are too dumb to notice, and the stenographer wants to see where this is going.
Q. The defendant has been accused, as you know, of treating her subordinates in a manner not consistent with a proper business relationship. In your time as her administrative assistant, did she ever act in an inappropriate manner?
A. Yes, on multiple occasions.
Q. Could you give examples of what occurred on some of these occasions you mention?
A. Alright. Well, it all started after a couple of weeks on the job. She began to page me on the intercom every morning to ask what I was wearing. I found that to be strange; like every other pony in the office, I didn't wear anything at all to work, as it was too casual an environment for a saddle or dress, but she always seemed happy to hear that I was wearing nothing. That went on for about a week before she put a new policy into place: I had to read all of her business correspondence to her, which I didn't mind too much, except that she kept muttering to herself constantly. I cast a spell one morning to hear what she was saying, and it was all things like 'Oh yes, you read that Parks and Community Services Commission report, you dirty little filly. I need to hear about how you're straining that tight budget. I'm going to undersign your expenses so hard.' I didn't use any hearing spells after that.
The next month, she decided that since I could write so quickly with my magic, she would dictate all of her outgoing correspondence to me so that I could put it all down on paper. I wouldn't have minded that, except that from then on, she wouldn't ever seem to stop talking about her dictation. She'd ask me if I liked her dictation. She'd talk about how big her dictation was. I never found it difficult, but she insisted that I made her dictation hard, that she was going to give me all of her dictation, and that if I resisted, it would only make her dictation harder. Soon enough, I could barely handle all of the dictation she was giving me, night and day.
The record will show that whatever else the stenographer screws with in this document, the above was the real testimony she gave for that question. Needle Horn can't make this stuff up.
Q. Did the defendant's actions on those occasions make you feel uncomforable?
A. Most of it confused me more than anything. A lot of it made me feel strange. I, um, didn't like it.
Q. Did you encourage the defendant's behavior in any way?
A. Uh, no, I didn't.
Q. At any point did the defendant touch you inappropriately while on the job?
A. Yes, she did, on multiple occasions.
Q. Do you recall the first time this happened?
A. Yes, I do recall it.
Q. Could you describe what happened that day, for the record?
The record will show that Douchebag seems to have confused the words "the record" with the words "my own perverted amusement".
A. Well, I had to stay late because the mayor wasn't done with her correspondence. Once everypony else had left the office, she slid up next to me and complimented my looks, then threw a hoof around my shoulder while giving me her dictation right in my ear. It, um, made me very uncomfortable. After I was done taking her dictation, her hoof moved, and she touched me.
Q. Ms. Sparkle, could you point to the area on this doll where the defendant touched you?
The record will show that Twilight Sparkle pointed to the doll's cutie mark. The record will also show that the audience in the courtroom gasped in a suitably dramatic fashion. It might just be the whiskey talking, but this is the most entertaining court case the stenographer has recorded in a long time.
Q. Did you ever bring your concerns about the defendant's behavior to her attention?
A. Yes, I did discuss the matter with her.
Q. How did she respond to your concerns?
A. She told me that it was something I had to do to keep my job. She said that it's more or less and unwritten part of an administrative assistant to the mayor's job description.
MR DOUCHEBAG: No further questions, your honor.
The record will show that everyone in the courtroom is glad that the windbag is done. Well, the stenographer is, and that's all that really matters.
THE COURT: Cross examination, Ms. Shyster?
CROSS EXAMINATION
BY MS. SHYSTER:
The record will show that Shyster looks happy and, in the stenographer's opinion, there's nothing more worrying than a happy lawyer.
Q. Ms. Sparkle, are you considering a campaign for the position of mayor of Ponyville in the next election?
A. Yes.
Q. Are you aware of the effect that this trial will have on the defendant's chances of re-election to that office, regardless of whether or not she is acquitted of the charges brought against her?
A. Yes.
Q. Could you describe what you think those effects will be?
A. She most likely will not be re-elected, due to the scandal caused by this case.
Q. So accusing the defendant of these acts was in your own best political interest, is that correct?
A. Yes
The record will show that the jury might have bought it hook, line, and sinker, but you can tell that the Shyster won't quit while she's ahead. The stenographer has no doubt that she'll crash and burn.
Q. Did that knowledge factor into your decision to report the defendant to the authorities in any way?
Oh, there it was. You won't get what you want out of this one, Shyster, truth spell or no.
A. Um, no.
That is one angry lawyer. Priceless.
MS. SHYSTER: No further questions, your honor.
(End of Witness)
***
Twilight Sparkle smiled for the reporters; she hated press conferences, but the press could be a politician's best friend- or her worst enemy. They knew that she was only here to answer one question, and they also knew well enough not to ask it first. For a few minutes, they asked banal questions about the campaign and her views on parks and foals and other such trivialities. Eventually, one of the reporters became impatient enough to ask the million bit question, "Ms. Sparkle, what are your thoughts on the judge's decision to declare the trial a mistrial due to gross inaccuracy in record keeping by the stenographer?"
Twilight's thoughts on the matter were that if she ever met that damned stenographer, she'd wring his neck; the nerve of that pony, interfering with her carefully laid plans! She'd gone through so much trouble to figure out how to get around the truth compulsion of the witness stand without stuttering, and done an admirable job, despite the occasional 'um' or other such noise when she actually told a lie. It had been a stroke of genius to ensure that most of what she'd need to say would be the truth. It irked her that the trial would have to be done over; the next judge might be competent, and notice her deception, however remote the possibility.
Of course, saying such things to the reporters would never do; she opted to reply with a smile and kind words instead, "I have full confidence in the Equestrian legal system to see justice done, however long that may take, but I hope that soon enough I can put what I have suffered behind me and continue toward a brighter future. Now, if you'll all excuse me, I'm afraid I don't have time for further questions."
As Twilight trotted away from the crowd, ignoring the few stubborn reporters who attempted to follow, she reflected upon what terrible things a mare must do to get ahead. Some days, she felt guilty for falsely accusing the mayor, but she often mused that all's fair in love, war, and politics, and this was a matter of all three. With this masterstroke, she was practically guaranteed to win the next mayoral election.
Now all she needed to do was choose the right administrative assistant....