An American Dude in Equestria

by Shadowmane

Rating: teen
Tags: Trixie, Spike, Adventure, Human, Main 6, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders
Length: 65184

This is the tale of how some schmuck from California found himself in Equestria.

A botched spell brings a human into the land of ponies. Could this possibly lead to offbeat hijinks? Read on to find out.

Note that this story and all subsequent parts takes place between the first and second seasons of the show.

Published 2011-09-17 02:13:04 UTC
Last updated 2011-10-12 07:30:17 UTC

Pt. 1 (Arrival)

Even though they didn't know it yet, the inhabitants of Equestria needed a hero. Soon an attack from a dark and dangerous enemy would strike the land and they needed someone to stop it. They needed someone to defend them from utter destruction. They needed a guardian. They needed a champion. They needed a savior.

Unfortunately, all the help that they got was some random douchebag from California. I was that bag of douche, and this is my tale.

My name is Jesse, and I am a brony. I'm a furry too, but that's not really important in this story. I'm really just an average nineteen-year-old guy who happened to discover My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and in a not-so-average way found himself thrown directly into the world of ponies.

Perhaps it would be best to share a little about myself before I go into that: I had no job, no money, and I still lived with my parents in a small rural town in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada. By “rural,” I mean that the entire county has only one small city (if you were very generous with how you used that word), and we didn't live in it. All of which meant that finding any kind of steady entry-level job was difficult even when the economy wasn't in the shitter, and I never felt like I was making any kind of meaningful contribution to my family or community.

I always got good grades in school and had been in only a single fight (if throwing the only punch even counts). I enjoyed learning new things even when I wasn't in school, especially the useless little footnotes that somehow never made it into the books—for some reason, my biology classes never mentioned how all flatworms have two penises in their mouths and mate by stabbing each other with them. (Seriously, who made the decision to leave that vital information out?)

My few friends all lived in other towns, and I never saw any of them except for a few brief moments between classes at the only nearby community college. Since it was still summer break, I usually divided my time between browsing the internet, writing my fantasy novel (four years of on-again off-again work, and it still wasn't close to being even halfway done), playing my guitar, or drawing—I wasn't all that good at either of those last two things, but they did keep me entertained for a few hours. I didn't go outside more because there was nowhere to go and nothing to do without driving to the next county and, since I wasn't providing my own income, I refused to do that and force my parents to foot the bill for gas. Long story short: I had no social life or healthy relationships.

That's enough info for now, so I'll get on with my story now. The whole “Saving the World” bit doesn't happen for a while, so get comfortable while I start from the beginning.

I can still remember the exact moment that my life changed—I was just sitting on my bed with my laptop and had two internet tabs open. The first was playing music from YouTube in my favorite eighties rock and metal playlist. I know that there are other websites dedicated to doing just that, but for some reason I've never gotten around to using any of them. The second tab was an article called “8 Classic Movies That Got Away With Gaping Plot Holes,” and I was just about to find out what put The Empire Strikes Back at the number one spot (while Rob Halford assured me for the seventeenth time that he was breaking the law), when a sudden flash of white light blinded me and the music stopped with a fuzzy pop.

Before I could even register the fact that my computer—my entire room, in fact—was gone, the light faded and I slammed headfirst into a hard wooden floor.

“Ow! Son of a bitch!” I muttered in pain as I grabbed the top of my head. There was a startled gasp behind me, and I turned to see who it was. I probably don't need to say that I was surprised by what I saw.

Staring back at me with equal parts interest and horror was a purple unicorn. Her eyes were wide as she looked me over, taking in every detail from my tattered black t-shirt to the square glasses that I wore on my nose. She had a single hoof raised, but I couldn't tell if she wanted to step closer or run away in terror.

Another purple face appeared from behind her back legs and gazed at me with open fear. “Twilight,” the tiny dragon muttered uncertainly. “What is that thing?”

“I'm not sure,” she whispered back, never taking her eyes off me.

I was still trying to figure out just what the hell had happened. I wanted to say something, introduce myself, and learn why I was suddenly in a strange room with two characters from a cartoon. Was I having a hallucination? Had I somehow fallen asleep at my computer and was this a dream? Was I slowly dying from a poisonous gas leak while all of this was going on?

“Excuse me,” Twilight said timidly as she took a few strides towards me, stepping over the books that were scattered haphazardly all over the floor. I noticed that she was quite a bit smaller than a regular horse; the tip of her horn was at about the same level as my collarbone after I stood up.

“Yes?” I replied, which seemed to surprise her.

“You...I'm really sorry, but just who are you? What are you?”

“My...my name's Jesse. I-I'm a human.” It felt really weird to have to say that.

A small smile broke out at the corner of Twilight's mouth. “Well, it's nice to meet you, Jesse. My name is Twilight Sparkle, and this is my assistant Spike.” With that, she dragged the little dragon forward by the tail.

“Uh...hi,” Spike murmured before once again stepping behind Twilight. Twilight rolled her eyes before staring at me again.

Several seconds of silence passed as she silently took in every minute aspect of my appearance for the dozenth time. I cleared my throat uncomfortably and asked the most pressing question that was on my mind: “Would it be possible for you to tell me how I got here?”

Twilight dropped her eyes for a moment and gave a nervous chuckle. “Well, I guess it's my fault,” she said. “You see, I've been working on a new spell that's supposed to duplicate whatever item I want, but my concentration must've slipped when a certain dragon”—she narrowed her eyes at Spike—“tried to throw a book onto a shelf instead of using the ladder like he's supposed to.” She stopped and looked around quickly. “Spike, did you see where that apple went to?”

“No,” Spike muttered, still trying to hide from me.

“That might explain it,” Twilight sighed and her horn began to glow as she levitated a small blue book and flipped quickly through its pages. “I may have accidentally turned the duplication spell into a switching spell. They're more similar than you'd think. I can fix this, though.” She stopped moving the book's pages and grinned in triumph as she found the passage that she was searching for. “Aha! I should be able to put you back and we can forget that this ever happened. No hard feelings, right? Now, where in Equestria did you come from?”

“Uh, I'm actually not from Equestria,” I replied.

I swear that I could feel my heart literally sink about a foot and a half as the smile slid off Twilight's face. She frantically turned more pages in the still-floating book, then made three more levitate and flicked through them all simultaneously, her eyes a blur as she frantically absorbed the words at superhuman (superpony?) speed.

“No, no, no!” The four books dropped with to the floor with muted thumps. Twilight stared straight ahead and said nothing for about five or six seconds, then blinked a few times and let out another of her nervous laughs. “This is bad,” she said slowly.

“What's bad?” I asked even though I thought that I might already know the answer.

“These spells can only send you to someplace in Equestria,” she said as she picked up one of the fallen books and flipped through it again as if she might have missed something before dropping it once more in defeat. “If I try to send you somewhere else, I can't guarantee that it will work right. You could end up stuck inside the moon or in the middle of a desert or...or something.” Small beads of sweat broke out on her forehead and her lip quivered slightly. “I'm sorry, but I guess I can't fix this after all.”

As those last words sank in, I began to panic. I won't be able to go back? But I have to...to....

Wait, what do I have to do? I felt my eyebrows migrate towards the top of my head as I considered the situation further. I wasn't really needed on Earth, was I? This might not be so bad after all. I would have had to move out eventually, maybe this is just another way to do it. My family can manage without me, and it's not like I'm leaving a bunch of friends behind. Maybe a new start is just what I need.

“Are you alright?” Twilight asked, breaking my train of thought with her shaking voice.

“Huh?”

“You're just standing there with your mouth hanging open like an idiot,” Spike helpfully pointed out. He seemed to have gotten over his shock at my appearance.

“Spike...” Twilight warned as she forcefully dug her hoof into the end of his tail and bit her lip, still watching me intently.

“Sorry, I was just thinking,” I explained, careful to close my mouth afterward. “Well, if I'm going to be stuck here, I guess I'll just have to make the best of it.”

Twilight's expression cleared up and she seemed to relax slightly—she must have been afraid that I would get angry and attack her. “I'm honestly sorry about bringing you here, Jesse...”

“Don't worry about it,” I smiled slightly to reassure her. “I wasn't really happy on Earth, actually, and this might actually work out better for me. Maybe I can be useful here.”

If it seems like I got over my shock and resigned myself to my fate really fast, it's because I did. There are some things in life that you just can't fight, and others that you really don't want to.

* * * * *

“...Basically, it was their way of telling the king to back off and let them become their own country, but the Brits weren't having any of that. The war went on for about seven more years,” I paused to catch my breath and let Twilight put more ink in her quill. She had already filled out dozens of pages with notes and showed no sign of slowing down. Meanwhile, Spike was sitting on a pile of books, listening intently with his mouth hanging slightly open.

It was only after finding out that her plan to send me home wouldn't work that Twilight realized the potential for interesting new things that I could tell her. She started asking lots of questions about Earth and humans, greedily mining my brain for information. The unicorn seemed to be absolutely fascinated with me and where I'd come from, so I had spent the last hour telling everything that I remembered. I decided to start with American history, including Columbus' journey, the landing at Plymouth Rock, the French and Indian War, and then the Revolution. I was pretty sure that I'd left out some important details and gotten a few things wrong, but I just gave a mental shrug and continued with the story.

By the time that I recounted some of the more significant battles and reached the siege of Sporktown (that sounded about right, anyway), it was well past noon and my voice was getting raspy. It had been years since I'd talked so much in a single session, and my throat felt like it had torn itself open somewhere around my Adam's apple.

As I stifled a yawn, my stomach growled loud enough for Twilight to notice. “Oh my goodness,” she exclaimed before setting the quill down and standing up. “You must be starving. Please, allow me to buy you lunch. Do you like apples?”

“Yeah, that sounds good.” The sudden offer of food made me realize just how hungry I was. I was actually craving a hamburger, but a moment's thought told me that that was probably not an option when I was surrounded by vegetarians. Hell, I might not get any meat from now on, I thought sadly. Well, we all have to make sacrifices.

Twilight had already opened the front door and was walking out. “Spike, I'll need you to stay here and organize my notes after the ink dries. We'll bring you back a couple of pies. Also, see about getting a bed for our guest while we're gone.”

“You want me to stay here?” I asked in surprise as Spike grumbled under his breath. I hadn't given a thought to where I would be during the night. “I don't want to intrude...”

Twilight giggled. “I'm the one who made you swap places with an piece of fruit and dragged you into Equestira, and you're the one who's worried about intruding? You sound just like Fluttershy. Maybe I can introduce you to her later. Anyway, you should stay with me, at least for the time being. Now come on, let's get going to Sweet Apple Acres.”

With a shrug, I headed to the door, only to stop at the threshold. It suddenly dawned on me that my shoes were still next to my bed on Earth. With a grimace I stripped off my socks, folded them, and put them in my pocket before stepping out the door barefoot. Like a hobbit, I said to myself. Or a hippy. No, definitely a hobbit.

There were several ponies milling about the town and a few pegasi lounging in the fluffy clouds or on the thatched roofs of the houses, and within seconds every one of them was staring at me. Conversations stopped and foals paused in their games to get a look at the freak who'd just stepped out of the library. Each pair of eyes curiously and suspiciously tracked my every move as I followed Twilight, and as we headed away from the hollow tree towards the edge of town even more eyes peered at my distinctly non-equine body.

As we passed by the onlookers, Twilight pointed out several buildings and landmarks, many of which I recognized from the show. There was the Town Hall, Rarity's boutique, Sugar Cube Corner, that restaurant that she had tried to eat at in the third episode, and a few others. I had a brief mental debate about whether to tell her about the cartoon or not while she pointed out the shop that sold only quills and sofas, but it occurred to me that letting on how much I already knew might be a bad idea. Would she and the other ponies accuse me of spying on them? Would they be curious or angry about how I'd seen them already? Would they even believe me at all? After a little internal deliberation, I decided that, at least for the moment, I would play dumb and let them teach me everything a second time. Perhaps I'll even learn some things that didn't make it to the show, I told myself.

Soon, the buildings had all been left behind and we were able to see a large, sprawling apple orchard that covered the rolling hills outside of Ponyville. Most of the spectators stayed within the border of the town, though I saw a few pegasus ponies trying to hide in the clouds.

“This is where my friend Applejack lives,” Twilight was saying. “Her family's worked here for generations, and they grow the best apples in all of Equestria. They provide the food for all kinds of special occasions.”

“You don't say,” I muttered distractedly. Those pegasi were still trying to spy on us, which really bothered me. Did they think that I might be a threat? Or were they just curious?

“There she is. Hi, Applejack!” Twilight called out to an orange pony with a long blonde mane who was struggling to pull a cart that was overflowing with red, yellow, and green fruit into the large barn. I randomly noticed that the apples that were still on the trees were all red and couldn't help but wonder where the non-red apples had come from.

Applejack twisted her head around and tilted her hat back so that she could see where the noise was coming from. “Oh, hi Twi...” her voice trailed off as she noticed me. Her green eyes grew so wide that they could have popped right out of their sockets and rolled away.

Applejack shook her head quickly and put on a nervous smile. “Uh, hey there, stranger. Jus' who might you be?”

I gave a smile of my own. “My name's Jesse, and I'm a human from Earth.” It still felt weird to point that out.

Applejack's smile faded somewhat. “Human? Earth? Ain't never heard o' either o' those things before.”

“I can explain everything,” Twilight broke in. “But first, I was hoping that we could buy lunch and eat somewhere without everypony staring at us.”

“Sure thing. Jus' let me take this here load up top an' we'll break out ever'thin' we got.” With a huff, she began to pull at the cart once more into the barn. The wheels stubbornly resisted the force, turning with creaking, agonizing slowness.

I looked up and saw the wide open upper loft. A mental lightbulb suddenly flicked itself on. If my history classes had already helped Twilight, maybe I could make my science classes do the same for Applejack.

“Hang on a second,” I said.

“Huh?” Applejack froze a few inches from where she'd started.

“If you have a few spare pulleys and some rope, we could lift the cart up there with a lot less effort.”

“Ya think so?” She perked up with interest.

“He's smart,” Twilight spoke up. “He was telling me earlier about where he's from, and they've done all kinds of interesting things. I want to see where he's going with this.” She was beaming with excitement.

“Well...” Applejack seemed to be struggling between her pride in finishing her work and learning what I had in mind. “Ah sure would 'preciate whatever help ya can offer. 'Bout how much rope do ya need?”

About ten minutes later, I had my system set up. It consisted of three pulleys hanging from the loft entrance and three more attached to the cart itself with the rope running along their undersides. The thick rope snaked its way through the air as it alternated between the cart-fixed pulleys and the ones in the loft before ending in a loose bit at ground level. A few knots that I somehow remembered from my days as a Boy Scout completed the affair. It was a fairly crude setup, but simple enough.

I picked up the loose end of the rope. “Now I just have to pull this, and it'll feel like it's only about a sixth of it's weight.”

“Really?” both ponies gasped at the same time.

“Really. As long as nothing breaks and the rope doesn't get stuck, it'll be that much easier to move.” With that, I knotted a loop for a handle in the end of the rope, dug my feet into the dusty ground, and pulled with a grunt. The cart was still pretty heavy, but in less than a minute I had it swaying in the air just outside the barn's upper level. Twilight helpfully used her magic to push the cart sideways into the loft, and it took only seconds to disconnect the pulleys.

“Well Ah'll be,” Applejack shook her head in amazement. “It don' even look like ya broke a sweat doin' it like that. This here contraption thingy's gotta be worth a week's worth o' food, at least.”

“I'll settle for just one meal,” I said as my stomach growled again.

That one meal turned out to consist of a table piled high with all kinds of apple-related dishes set out underneath a few large apple trees. There were pies, fritters, bumpkins, cakes, dumplings, turnovers, and a bunch of things that I couldn't name. I was forcefully reminded of the very first episode of the cartoon, except that it was just me, Twilight, and Applejack who had to eat it all. The rest of the Apple family either weren't around or were keeping out of sight.

As I was taking a bite out of a fritter (still warm from the oven), a whoosh of air blew my hair into my eyes and the tree branch that was directly over my head creaked and cracked. A small flurry of leaves and broken twigs fell through the air. Twilight paused in the middle of her story about how I had arrived to stare at the disturbance over my head.

“Hey, Twilight,” a boyish voice rang out from above. “What's this I've been hearing about you wandering through town with a new friend?”

I tilted my head back to see a sky-blue pegasus pony lounging on the tree branch with her ass right in my face. Her mane and tail each had several stripes of colors, and some of the longer strands of hair were trying to make their way up my nose. Apparently she hadn't spotted me before landing.

Applejack and Twilight glanced at each other before returning their gaze to the newcomer. “Well, Rainbow Dash,” Applejack said as she tried semi-successfully to keep a straight face, “If ya hang around fer a spell, ya might get ta meet the fella.”

“Yeah,” Twilight added. “I bet you'd like to get to know him.”

“Well, where is this guy? Snowbank wouldn't stop talking about how weird he looks.” Rainbow Dash glanced to her left, right, and even searched the sky for a moment—she looked everywhere but down and behind herself.

“Well that's...uh, what exactly did Snowbank say makes him so odd?” Twilight cringed and bit her lip immediately after saying that, and I could easily imagine her mentally berating herself for asking.

Rainbow seemed too preoccupied with casually rubbing a hoof against her chest to notice. “Oh, nothing really. Except that he walks on two legs, doesn't have a tail, and has fingers like Spike, but more of them and they're really long. I mean, what isn't weird about all that? I've also heard that he's skinnier than...what's wrong? Why are you looking at me like that?” Rainbow's tail was waving slowly back and forth, which made it difficult to see how the other ponies reacted to this. If I'd had a clear view, I probably would have seen expressions of absolute horror on their faces.

I cleared my throat softly, wondering what she would do. For a moment, the only reaction was that every hair along the pegasus' spine bristled and her tail stopped moving. Then she slowly turned her head around to see me.

Rainbow's piercing pink eyes met my brown ones for maybe half a second before she disappeared in a violent cascade of leaves as she launched herself into the air with a high-pitched screech of panic that would have made a banshee cover its ears. She made a beeline for the nearest cloud and shoved herself inside it. She was almost too fast to follow, but we could tell which cloud it was by the sudden appearance of three other pegasus ponies that she knocked right out of it.

It took several minutes of yelling to convince Rainbow that I wasn't going to beat her to death with her own skull for what she'd said. Eventually she calmed down enough to land again and help eat the remaining food, though when she spoke she seemed to choose each word with extreme care and kept giving me brief glances that were equal parts scared and embarrassed.

After a fairly lengthy but pleasant conversation and another explanation about how I had ended up in Ponyville in the first place, Applejack and Rainbow both excused themselves to get back to work. Rainbow seemed both eager and hesitant to leave, and made a promise that she would let me watch her fly around the next day. I personally thought that this was a bit haughty, but decided to agree anyway.

To be continued...

Pt. 2 (A New Look)

“TV is chewing gum for the eyes, and Pinkie Pie is the taffy.” — Frank Lloyd Wright

Everything in the room was made up of dark, angular shapes that constantly shifted and refitted themselves together. Walls turned into hallways and hallways became staircases that reconnected to themselves in ways that were physically impossible. Corners became rounded, then sharp, then rounded again, as if the gray stone was breathing.

I wasn't sure what I was doing there or how I had ended up in that room, but something was driving me to keep walking forward. The floor was filled with holes and randomly placed steps would periodically pop out of the ground with no warning, which made my progress slow to a snail's pace as I struggled to keep my footing.

All the while, the pieces shuffled around and rearranged themselves in sickening patterns. It was like something out of M. C. Escher's acid trips.

At last I reached the mirror at the end of the room. It was a plain reflective mirror like you would find in your bathroom, and it wasn't even clean. Spots of filth and streaks of dust marred the reflection, but I struggled forward to see what was in it just the same. I didn't know why, but it was absolutely necessary that I see myself...

“Good moooorning!”

I abruptly woke up from the unexpected call and got tangled in the blankets. In my struggle to free myself, I managed to fall off the side of the bed and slammed face-first into the wooden floor with a thwump.

Huh? I thought blearily. What the hell happened to my carpet? This isn't my room.

“Are you alright, Jesse? What happened?” came the voice of Twilight Sparkle, whose mane was sticking out in every direction as she climbed out of bed somewhat more carefully than I had.

Holy shit, is that a purple unicorn? I thought blearily. Then, in a flash, the events of the previous day came back to me. I'm in Equestria, about to start day two, I reminded myself.

“Yeah, I'm fine.”

Pinkie Pie's head popped up from the staircase. “I made paaancaaakes!” she sang as polka music randomly started playing from nowhere. “Ohhh, pancakes, pancakes, come and eat some panca—” The music stopped with a record-scratch and she stared at me. “What's that black stuff all over your face?”

“Huh?” I freed myself from the blankets and walked up to a big mirror that was hanging on the wall. My hair was almost as messed up as Twilight's, but the only unusual thing was the stubble on my chin and cheeks.

“I just need to shave, that's all. I'll need to get a razor and some hot water, but I can take care of this.”

Twilight stared at my chest as I turned back around. “What are those things?” she asked as Spike turned over and tried his best to ignore us as he went back to sleep.

“Huh? Those are my nipples.”

“Ooooh,” Pinkie bounced up to me to get a closer look and shoved her nose right up against my skin. “Those are so weird! Do they do anything?”

“Well, when it gets cold enough I can use them to cut diamonds.”

“Really?” Twilight looked very interested.

“No, not really. I was just...What are you doing, Pinkie?”

Pinkie Pie stopped messing with the side of my pants. “Sorry, but I just realized that we never got to see what your cutie mark looks like.”

It took me a second to realize what she was talking about. It bothered me that they called those things on their flanks “cutie marks;” it seemed odd to give such an effeminate name to something that affected both genders.

“I don't have one. Humans don't get them.”

“Oh,” Pinkie ears drooped slightly in disappointment, then perked up again. “Well, what are we still doing up here? I didn't make a bunch of pancakes just to let them get cold, you know!” She hopped briskly down the stairs, humming the tune from the polka music to herself.

While Twilight levitated a brush through her hair until her bangs were back to their customary neatness, I picked my shirt up from its place on the floor and slipped it back on. It was already beginning to smell like dried sweat and had a new hole in the back. I made a mental note to ask about getting some new clothes after breakfast.

Twilight came up behind me. “I noticed that you were out on the balcony last night and it sounded like you were talking to somepony. What was that about?”

“Oh! I completely forgot about that.” I told her about Luna's visit and our conversation as we walked down the stairs together. I finished just as Pinkie, who was now wearing a gigantic white chef's hat and pink apron, brought out a massive plate of pancakes and set it on the table next to a bottle of maple syrup.

“And we're all invited to the Autumn Festival?” Twilight turned to Pinkie. “We'd better all see Rarity and get some new dresses made.”

“Ooooh, that sounds like fun!” Pinkie clopped her hooves together. “I'll go tell everypony right away!” Without another word, she bounced out the door.

After Twilight and I finished our pancakes, we got back to documenting everything that I knew about Earth for a few hours. This time, I opted to share some of what I thought were the more interesting tidbits of history. This included the death of Aeschylus (I just called him Archie the Philosopher because his name is literally impossible to pronounce), the Helepolis and how it was disabled during the siege of Rhodes, the almost-war between Michigan and Ohio over who owned Toledo, the sinking of the U-1206, and how much of a total prick Thomas Edison was. (If you're not sure what makes any of those so remarkable, remember that Google is your friend. And friendship is magic.)

Just as I was starting on the U.S. re-invasion of Kiska—in which over a hundred soldiers were killed or wounded despite there being exactly zero enemies on the island—Pinkie Pie came back. It might be more accurate to say “she suddenly burst into the library, grabbed Twilight and myself by the hair, and dragged us away into Rarity's dress shop without a word of explanation while Spike was left behind to sort the notes again.” Actually, let's just go with that instead, since I've already written it down.

“Got 'em!” Pinkie declared happily after she dumped us unceremoniously to the store's floor.

“Thank you, darling,” Rarity said without looking up from the rich purple cloth that she was draping over a horse-shaped mannequin. She had a pair of red glasses perched on the end of her nose and a long measuring tape hanging over her back. Pinkie trotted back outside, humming yet another upbeat tune.

“What's going on?” Twilight asked as Pinkie's voice faded away.

Rarity fussed with the cloth for a few more seconds before turning to us. “Oh, Pinkie Pie mentioned that Princess Luna has invited us all to the Autumn Festival and that we will need new dresses for it. If we only have until next week, I want to get started right away. I already have a few designs that—Sweetie Belle, come down from there this instant!”

“Awww, but can't I at least have one chance to get an alien-catching cutie mark?” A smaller white unicorn with pink and purple hair whined. She was perched on top of one of the several supply cupboards behind us and holding a large butterfly net. It looked like she'd been about to pounce on me.

Rarity hardened her stare. “I already told you no, and that's final. Now why don't you go find your friends and try to earn your cutie marks doing something else?”

“Alright,” Sweetie Belle grumbled. She dropped her net to the floor, carefully climbed down, and headed out the door.

Rarity sighed as the door closed again. “I'm terribly sorry about that. I'm not sure what goes on in her head sometimes. Anyway, Jesse, would you kindly come over here so that I can take some measurements?”

“Alright,” I said a bit uncomfortably. “But I'm not sure how I'm gonna pay for this.”

“Oh, don't worry about that, darling,” Rarity smiled reassuringly at me. “I won't charge you a thing.”

“Businesses don't work that way,” I objected. “And Applejack did the same thing yesterday. How do you ponies manage to make a profit if you don't make your customers pay?”

Despite my protests, Rarity insisted on making me some clothes for free (she won the argument by default after mentioning that she's the Element of Generosity, which was apparently common knowledge in Ponyville). The measuring took only a few minutes, then Rarity cut a few pieces of several types of cloth and started stitching them together. She then added buttons, pockets, hems, and a few things that I didn't know the name of. The floor became littered with scraps of cloth and spools of thread. Within a half hour, she had created a stately three-piece suit for me.

“This is really nice,” I said as I stepped out from behind the changing screen. In truth, the sleeves were a little long and the waistband felt a bit tight, but I remembered how she could obsess over tiny details and thought better of bringing a few minor discomforts to her attention. Besides, she was already making a second, less formal outfit from the same measurements.

“Hmmm,” Rarity paused in her work and narrowed her eyes as she looked me over. “You do look quite fetching, but something's not right here.”

“Shoes?” Twilight offered and pointed at my still-bare feet.

“Well, those too. But I was thinking it might be the hair, especially that growth on his face.”

I unconsciously rubbed at the rugged stubs poking out of my cheeks and chin again. “I was going to shave as soon as I got my hands on a razor. Is there anywhere around here that I can get one?”

“I've got a better idea. Twilight, darling, do you think you could use that spell that gave Spike that awful mustache to make his whiskers grow out?”

Twilight thought for a moment. “Well, I can try.” She screwed her eyes shut and made her horn glow purple.

My face suddenly felt like it was melting. I could feel my skin warping and stretching unnaturally as my stubble forced its way out. The sensation only lasted for two seconds, but those moments were one of the most bizarrely uncomfortable experiences that I have ever had.

When the tingling stopped and the glowing faded, Twilight opened her eyes to see her handiwork. Her mouth then dropped open as if she were seeing me for the first time again. “Oh my...”

“I...that's...” Rarity was at a loss for words as well.

I tried to feel my face, but my hand stopped a couple of inches away from my skin when my fingers were stopped by a bulk of rough hair. I sprinted to the nearest mirror to see what went wrong, and as soon as I saw my reflection...

“The fuck did you do to me?”

My beard had grown out so much that the mass of wiry black hairs hung to my waist. I could have applied to be the new guitarist for ZZ Top and been accepted for beardliness alone. I was a hobbit before, but now I look like a younger version of Gandalf! Or another hobo.

“Don't worry,” Rarity tried to sound confident and forced another smile. “We can fix this. Oh goodness, I hope we can fix this. I must say, I imagined this makeover going a bit differently.”

“Maybe we shouldn't use magic this time,” Twilight proffered. “That's twice now that my spells have messed up around him. Do you have any extra scissors around?”

* * * * *

It was about three or four in the afternoon when I stepped out of the store, leaving Twilight to discuss the particulars of her dress with Rarity. The unicorns had cut my hair and trimmed my beard down to a crisp black mustache and sharp goatee, which I felt much more comfortable wearing. They had almost decapitated me with the scissors only twice in the process, which was about on par with my regular self-grooming skills.

I'd swapped out the suit for a few different outfits before settling on a more relaxed crimson vest that Rarity had put together. Together with the black undershirt, new pants, and even a shiny belt, it finally felt like I was properly dressed.

My favorite part of the ensemble was the new pair of oxfords. I couldn't tell what materials Rarity had used, but the shoes looked like they were made from treated gray leather and felt great. All in all, I thought that I looked pretty good. They come runnin' just as fast as they can, 'cause every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man. I was still had ZZ Top on my mind, can you tell?

“There you are!” Rainbow Dash's voice called out from an overhead cloud and cut my thoughts short. “I've been looking for you all over. Did you forget what I said yesterday?”

“I didn't forget,” I shouted back. “But I've been stuck in Rarity's shop for hours. Did Pinkie Pie tell you about the festival?”

Rainbow flew down from the cloud so that we wouldn't have to talk so loudly. “You mean the thing that Luna invited us to? Yeah, Rarity said earlier that she's already got something planned out for me.” As she landed, she took another at me. “What happened to your face? That black stuff wasn't there last night.”

“Long story. Anyway, you said that you wanted to show me how you fly?”

She seemed to take that as a challenge. “Oh yeah. I bet you've never seen anything like this!”

With that, she sprang back into the sky, leaving behind a multicolored streak in her wake. Sudden holes appeared in the clouds that were scattered across the sky, much to the irritation of the spying pegasi who were hiding in them (would they ever stop doing that?), followed by sudden gusts of wind that blew the leaves and dust around without any clear pattern. A few of the buildings had shingles or chunks of thatch fall from their roofs as she pulled off some daringly low loops and spins.

Suddenly Rainbow was back. It had taken her ten seconds flat to go across just about every inch of sky, but she wasn't even breathing hard. “How'd you like that?” She said proudly as she struck a victorious pose. “I bet you've never seen anything go that fast!”

“That was really cool,” I said, pretty impressed. “And no, I don't think I've ever seen anything that fast. Not personally, anyway.”

Rainbow didn't seem quite satisfied with that, but then she put on a wicked, devious grin. “Well, you ain't seen nothin' yet. Get ready for a little pain, 'cause your jaw is gonna drop right off your face when you see me pull off the ultimate stunt: the Sonic Rainboom!”

She took off again and headed straight up into the sky, gaining as much altitude as she could. Within seconds, she was so far away that the only indication of where she went was a faint rainbow trail, and then even that faded. For a moment, there was absolutely nothing to see.

Then the colorful trail reappeared, heading at a steep angle at breakneck speed. Even from such a long distance, I could see the cone-shaped air barrier forming up in front of Rainbow as she streaked right back towards Ponyville. Little blurs of various colors and sparks of electricity flowed around her body.

As she came closer, I saw that she had one front hoof stretched out in front with the other pulled up close to her body, as if she was trying to punch the air in the face.

She's not gonna make it, part of my mind whispered.

A fraction of a second after that thought, the air bubble collapsed in on itself and sent Rainbow spinning off course. “WHOOOOA!” she cried out as she bounced off the street and went smashed through a house's door. There was a quick series of ear-shattering crashes and crunches before she blasted out the window on the opposite side of the building. She finally crashed to a halt in a nearby bush that had been perfectly trimmed a minute before.

“Unghhh,” she moaned softly. Her eyeballs were still spinning around in their sockets and her wings' feathers were sticking out in weird directions.

“You alright?” I rushed over and knelt down next to her. “How many fingers am I holding up?”

Rainbow took a few moments to focus her unevenly dilated pupils and count. “Nineteen,” she muttered and shut her eyes. “I...I think I'm gonna be sick.”

“What's going on out here?” Twilight and Rarity had just walked out of the boutique and seemed surprised to see the damaged house.

“We've had a, uh, minor accident,” I explained. Rainbow was sitting up now and rubbing at a lump that was growing on the side of her head. A bunch of leaves and twigs were stuck in her mane.

At the sight of the disheveled pegasus, the unicorns seemed to understand completely. Rarity narrowed her eyes and stamped a hoof in frustration. “Did you just try to do the Rainboom over Ponyville again? Didn't we make it clear that you're supposed to do that outside of town after you went right through my windows? I kept finding new shards of glass in my hooves for weeks afterwards.”

“Uh, my bad?” Rainbow put on a guilty, toothy smile that failed to disperse the glares from Rarity, Twilight, and a number of other ponies who were staring at what was going on (and not me, for the moment).

Rainbow sighed and threw her hooves in the air. “Alright, alright. I'm sorry about wrecking that house and all that stuff. I won't do it again. Now, can everypony move on with that whole 'forgiveness' thing?”

A bunch of the ponies rolled their eyes and went back to whatever they were doing before the crash without more than a few backwards glances.

“Are they really just going to let you get away with it that easy?” I asked in surprise as the crowd dispersed.

“Yeah,” Rainbow laughed. She'd gotten her sly smirk back. “They let it go every time. Say you're sorry once and they'll forget it even happened. Buncha suckers.”

“Well,” said Rarity as she stepped closer. “Perhaps it's time for the 'buncha suckers,' as you so delicately put it, to remind you that there are repercussions for putting everypony in danger with your antics. And for damaging property that's not yours.” Her statement was punctuated by a splintered stub of wood snapping off from the damaged house's broken window shutter and falling to the ground.

Rainbow groaned in annoyance. “Alright, I'll fix this place later. First I—”

“You'll fix it now,” Twilight interjected forcefully. “Last time you put something off, Fluttershy's rabbits got flooded out of their holes. We told you to move that particular raincloud to the east, didn't we?”

"Fine, I'll fix it now!” Rainbow was really starting to get agitated.

“Good,” Rarity seemed satisfied. “When you're finished, come find me and we'll make sure that your new dress fits properly.” She then turned around and headed back to her shop.

“'Fits perfectly,'” Rainbow scoffed too quietly for Rarity to hear as she picked up the bits of broken window. “Oh, I bet I could make your head fit perfectly in a...in a...” She scowled even deeper as she struggled to come up with something that made sense.

Twilight tugged at my vest and led me away from the fuming pegasus. “Is she gonna be alright?” I asked once we were out of earshot.

“She will be in a few hours. Once she's finished, she'll calm down and things will be back to normal.”

I nodded and glanced around. I didn't recognize the buildings here. “Where are we going, anyway?”

“The farmer's market. I wanted to pick up a few things to make dinner.” She paused to think for a second. “Actually, would you mind making some Earth food tonight? I always like trying out new things.”

I took a moment to think as well. As we took a turn and were able to clearly see the lines of produce stalls, a cart piled high with kidney beans caught my eye. A sudden craving entered my mind.

“Actually, there is something that I could try to make.”

Pt. 3 (Pain)

“The bird a nest, the spider a web, ponies friendship.” — William Blake

I carefully stirred the big pot that was filled with steaming chili. A ton of beans, tomatoes, garlic, mild peppers, various spices, and a diced onion had gone into the simmering mix, and a rich odor was coming out.

“That smells great,” Twilight remarked. She had been skeptical at first, but had quickly changed her mind after it all came together. After seeing the resulting food for herself, she had invited the other five ponies to come to the library and eat as well, and they were all waiting impatiently for it to be done.

“That does smell mighty tasty,” Applejack put in. Just a minute ago she'd won four consecutive hoof-wrestling matches with a slightly battered-looking Rainbow Dash.

“Absolutely divine,” Rarity added. “I can't wait to try it.”

Fluttershy and Spike were sitting calmly on a nearby bench and neither of them said anything.

I took the spoon out of the chili and tasted it. It was good, but...

“It could be a little spicier, but I guess it'll—”

“You need to make it spicier?” Pinkie Pie's upside-down face was suddenly in front of mine. Our noses were actually touching and I still have no clue how she was holding herself up in the air over the pot.

“Yeah, but I'm sure it'll be fine as it is. It's pretty close to how I remember it, and we don't want to make it too spicy.” What it really needs is some meat, I didn't say.

“You can never have it too spicy!” the pink pony shouted. “Wait here, I'll be right back.”

Pinkie then ran out of the library at top speed. Before we'd stopped looking at one another in confusion, she was back with a small plastic bag in her mouth. Inside the bag were two plump, medium-sized peppers—one red and one green. On the outside of the bag was a sticker with a black skull-and-crossbones on it.

“Where'd ya get those?” Applejack asked. She looked a little worriedly at the sticker as Pinkie took the peppers out of the bag.

“I bought them from Pasilla last week,” Pinkie said proudly as she pulled out a sharp knife and diced the peppers on the cutting board in a flurry of flashing steel. “She said they're called ghostie peppers, but I thought they looked too silly to be scary. I was saving them for something extra special.”

As she slid the chopped-up bits into the chili, an ominous hissing came from the pot. Pinkie then stirred it with a cheerful hum for a few moments, which turned to a “hmm?” of surprise as she lifted the spoon out again. The wood had shriveled to a blackened smoking stump.

Pinkie shrugged and licked at the bit of chili that was still stuck to the end of the ruined spoon.

“Perfect!” she declared giddily as thin tendrils of black smoke came billowing out of her little ears.

“Uh, I'm afraid that I won't be able to stay after all,” Rarity took a few backward steps towards the door. “I've just realized that I have to change something on my dress. Perhaps we can try again another time?”

“Umm, I...I think I forgot to give the bunnies enough food,” Fluttershy also retreated away from the chili.

“I'd better, uh, get back to studying for, uh, something,” Twilight gave me an apologetic glance. “I'll get something to eat later.”

“I'd better come and help you with that,” Spike said, quickly seizing his opportunity to get away.

“We'll I guess that means more for us!” Pinkie said happily, oblivious to the terrified glances that the others were giving the pot.

“Actually, now that I think about it—” Rainbow's attempt to escape was cut off as Applejack set a hoof on her tail and gave her a look that was half-glaring and half-pleading.

“Five bits says Ah can eat more o' this stuff than you.”

Rainbow balked for a moment. She gave another apprehensive look at the sizzling pot, then looked to Applejack, then stared at the chili again. She swallowed hard.

“Make it ten and you're on,” she said in a brave but not-quite-certain voice.

As I filled up four big bowls of the chili, I thought that I heard faint evil laughter coming from the food. You're just imagining things, the rational part of my brain assured me.

Then why is the spoon all burnt up like that? some other area of my mind shot back.

As soon as Pinkie got her bowl, she poured the entire thing into her mouth at once. “Mmmm, that's really good!” she said earnestly as she licked up every bit. Despite her smile, I could have sworn that I saw flames coating her entire tongue. Judging by their uneasy glance at each other, Applejack and Rainbow Dash had noticed it too.

I looked down at my bowl as Pinkie went for seconds. The chili didn't look threatening, but it still put a knot in my gut.

Well, you shouldn't cook what you're not willing to eat, a decidedly irrational section of my brain reminded me. Still, this is probably gonna hurt like hell.

* * * * *

“How are you all feeling today?” Nurse Redheart asked brightly as she pulled back the medical curtain.

“Ughhh,” was the simultaneous reply from Applejack, Rainbow and myself, who occupied three hospital beds.

It was the second morning after the chili incident, and the pain still hadn't stopped. The burning in our mouths had been bad enough (even after about thirty-eight hours, I could still feel a slight tingling on my tongue), but the dizziness, headaches, nausea, and agonizing stomach cramps had been so serious that even the stubborn Applejack hadn't resisted the need to find a doctor.

“You have a visitor today, dears,” the nurse strode off and Twilight walked in cautiously.

“Sorry I took so long to get here. I went through my books and talked to Pasilla to learn more about those peppers—”

“So how are you gonna fix us?” Rainbow Dash interrupted as she sat up with a grimace. “Do you have a spell?”

Twilight shook her head. “The only thing that I found that might help is aloe, and Nurse Redheart is going to brew some tea to put it in. Other than that, we'll just have to wait until the effects wear off, which might take up to a week.”

“That's great, just fuckin' great.” Rainbow slumped back in her bed with a groan. She'd picked up my entire vocabulary of swearwords over the past day or so and had even invented a few of her own, such as “shitracks” and “cocksocket,” whatever those were supposed to mean. If I'd been in better condition, I would have been somewhat mortified by this.

“Any other good news?” Applejack spoke up, only the slightest trace of irritation coloring her voice.

“Well, since Pinkie's fine, we can probably assume that this won't cause any lasting damage.” Twilight frowned. “I've seen her put hot sauce on cupcakes, but I still can't believe that she ate nine bowls of that chili and it didn't affect her at all.”

“I'll bet she's laughing her ass of at us right now,” Rainbow growled. “Probably her idea of a sick joke.”

“Rainbow Dash, ya know that ain't fair,” Applejack winced as she spoke.

“Neither was putting those 'ghostie peppers' in the chili!” Rainbow shot back with a sneer. “How's she been, Twilight? Is she still wearing that stupid little grin of hers and laughing about how good she got us?”

“She feels completely horrible about what happened!” Twilight snapped. “She didn't know that this would happen, and the guilt is probably giving her worse pain than those peppers gave you! She didn't laugh at anything yesterday, and you know how she thinks her own breathing is the funniest thing ever. Even worse, her hair's gone flat again! Don't you remember how upset she was the last time that happened?”

Twilight's glare made Rainbow's scowl disappear. Instead, it was replaced with...something else. Remorse? Uncertainty? Confusion?

Twilight kept glaring at Rainbow for a few seconds after the blue pegasus dropped her eyes. Then she trotted to the foot of my bed and looked right at me. “Are you okay, Jesse? You haven't said anything.”

I was having difficulty seeing less than two Twilights. “Yeah, sorry 'bout that. My brain's not working so good right now. I've been having trouble sleeping.”

In truth, I hadn't slept at all. The cramps only died down when Rainbow and Applejack wouldn't stop arguing with each other. Once it was quiet again, the pain came back full force. It was like the peppers were deliberately screwing with me. I didn't know how much more I could take before I snapped and disemboweled the others so that I at least only had one thing to bother me.

Twilight nodded sympathetically. “Pinkie wanted me to ask if you were mad at her too. If you were upset at her for ruining the chili and putting you through this.”

“I am, but I'm not, if that makes any sense,” I shrugged.

“Ya don' seem angry ta me,” Applejack observed.

“I never do until I'm about to lose it,” I replied a little more testily than I meant to.

Twilight nodded again. “Well, I've got the cards that you wanted. Rarity made them herself.”

She reached into the saddlebag that I hadn't noticed and pulled out a small felt pouch. Inside was a standard deck of playing cards, which, oddly enough, the ponies hadn't invented yet. They had other kinds of cards, but not the regular 52-card set. Yesterday, despite the pain, I had told Twilight how they should be made and what they were for. This was both to give Equestria a simple thing from Earth and to help pass time in the hospital.

“Thanks,” I muttered as I opened the pouch and looked through the cards to make sure that all fifty-two were there.

The one on top was the three of diamonds, which had been made to look just like Rarity's cutie mark with bright blue gems that seemed to sparkle and shine from the card's surface. Curiously, the rest of the diamond cards had dull red shapes that were comparatively boring, just like Earth cards.

The bottom card was the ace of hearts, with the words “Get well soon!” in Rarity's curly handwriting (hoofwriting? hornwriting?) in the corner. The large red heart had vines of ivy wrapped around the edges and a big pink rose stuck out from behind it. Stylish shadows and highlights that couldn't have been easy to draw had also been added. It was much fancier than the pictures for the other aces or for the face cards.

Am I reading too far in to this, I wondered as I looked at the card, or did she just use the deck to sneak in a love note?

“These are really nice,” I said instead, reserving my judgment for later. “Could you tell her that I appreciate her doing this?”

“Sure,” Twilight quickly glanced around and dropped her voice. “She seemed really worried about you especially. Maybe she's just concerned because we don't know anything about humans and how you deal with illnesses, but I think there's more to it. If you ask me, I think that—”

She was cut off as a bright pink balloon suddenly flew in past the curtain. As it spun around, we could all see that it had “Forever!” printed in a darker shade of pink on the side. It hung there in the air for a few seconds before bursting apart with a soft pop and falling to the ground.

Twilight's face was suddenly filled with discomfort. “Oh, I almost...I mean...,” she stammered, then paused and tried to force a smile. “I...I think that she feels bad for not eating the chili with you three. Yes, that's what I meant. Oh, would you look at the time! I'm going to be late for, uh, for something.” She unceremonious bolted for the exit.

“Is it the same something that you had to study for the other night?” Rainbow called out sarcastically as the unicorn left our view. There was no response.

“That gal never was good at keepin' secrets,” Applejack muttered as she shook her head. “Even if Ah was blind I coulda seen right through that.”

I frowned as I shuffled the cards. Guess I wasn't reading too deep after all. Spike is gonna be pissed.

It tried to get the thought out of my head. “Do you two want to learn how to play Go Fish or Blackjack first?”

* * * * *

“Are you peeking at my cards?” Rainbow Dash had grown steadily more irritated as the day wore on and she kept losing.

“'Course not, there jus' ain't that many cards left ta choose from,” Applejack said, keeping her temper in check like she had for the past few hours. “Got any sixes?”

Rainbow angrily tossed a card onto the orange pony's bed. “That's four times in a goddamn row! I don't care what you say, I know you're cheating somehow!”

“An' Ah know that yer jus' bein' a sore loser!”

Shut. The fuck. UP! I screamed in my head as I shut my eyes even tighter and tried to ignore the urge to decapitate them both with the painting that hung on the wall. Again the cramps had begun to fade and again those two were bitching at each other.

Am I ever going to get some sleep? I asked myself and tried to ignore the argument. At this point, forming even simple thoughts like those took a lot of effort. Nurse Redheart's tea hadn't helped at all.

After the ponies had calmed down and started yet another new hand, it seemed that I would finally be able to get a little rest. Just as I was beginning to relax, however, I heard the metallic rasping of the curtain being whisked back again. What the fuck can it be now? I thought angrily.

I opened my eyes and saw a blur of purple standing next to a larger greyish blob with specks of yellow on it. Once I put my glasses back on and forced my eyes to focus, the shapes turned into Twilight and Zecora. The zebra was curiously staring at me just like all the other inhabitants of Equestria, obviously not sure what to think.

Twilight was smiling. “Get on your feet, everypony. Zecora's figured out how to make the three of you feel better. I don't know why it took me so long to think to talk to her.”

“Ya know how ta fix us?” Applejack dropped her cards to the floor and sat up.

Zecora nodded. “Some herbs of healing I have, your illness they will cure. Yet in their use some pain you three must endure.”

“Well, we're already in a shitload of pain,” Rainbow winced as another cramp hit her. “What are we waiting for?”

“I have prepared you a potion of wormwood and sherath; after it is drunk, you must soak in the bath.”

“Another bath? Is that yer answer ta every problem?” Applejack looked a little doubtful.

“The bath isn't to help make you better,” Twilight explained. “The potion's going to do all that by making whatever was in those peppers come out through your skin. You'll need to clean it off when that happens.”

“This is safe, right?” I asked unevenly. Even after days without sleep, this seemed like an odd way to do it.

Zecora nodded again, making the gold rings around her neck jingle. “This potion is benign, you will not be harmed. It will cause much discomfort, but there is no need for alarm.”

“Her people have used this potion for generations to cure stuff like this,” Twilight reassured us. “Apparently a lot of the food where she's from will sometimes be poisonous, so they've figured out which combination of herbs will help them get better.”

“Alright,” I heaved my body upright and carefully got to my feet. The room swam as I stood up and my vision flashed white for a few seconds, but I caught myself on the end of the bed and stayed standing. The dizziness passed after a moment, but my knees still felt weak. The others seemed to be having similar problems.

“Well, let's get this over with,” I muttered and we all followed the zebra out of the hospital.

* * * * *

In the spa where I'd first met Rarity and Fluttershy, there was a large private room set up with three large bathtubs that were filled with water, steam, and suds. Next to them was a small iron cauldron of bubbling green goop. Nurse Redheart nervously watched as Zecora stirred her potion, sniffed at the blue smoke that it was giving off, and gave a satisfied nod.

“The potion is ready, made with much ease. Drink from it now and be cured of your disease.”

“Getting sick from eating peppers isn't the same as a disease. A disease is...is when...”

Twilight's voice withered under Zecora's glare. “I'd like to see you try to make somet'ing rhyme wit' 'food poisoning!'”

“Oh...right. Let me just get some bowls, then.”

“Ah got 'em!” a little yellow filly who appeared out of nowhere said. She had three small ceramic bowls balanced on her back and a pink bow tied to her red mane.

“Apple Bloom!” Applejack scolded. “What're ya doin' here? Does Big Macintosh know yer gone?”

“It was his idea,” Apple Bloom protested with a hurt look. “He told me ta come over an' see if Ah could help.”

“And we came along too!” Scootaloo stepped around the middle tub.

A strange pounding and scraping sound suddenly came from the floor under Applejack's hooves. A few tiles lifted up seemingly of their own accord and Sweetie Belle climbed out of the resulting hole.

“Here I am!” the little white unicorn said proudly. “We're gonna try to get our cutie marks for...uh...whatever it is that we're doing here.”

“Medical assistants?” I offered.

“Cutie Mark Crusader Medical Assistants!” the three fillies shouted in unison.

“What were you doing under the floor?” Twilight asked seriously.

Sweetie Belle scratched at her head just behind her horn. “I really can't remember,” she said sheepishly.

There was a strangled grunt from my right, which it turned out had come from Rainbow Dash. Apple Bloom had somehow found a pressure cuff and slipped it over the pegasus' neck. With that in place, she started pumping it up to the max. Rainbow's eyes puffed up and her face started to turn purple as she fought for breath.

Before I could ask the yellow filly what the hell she was trying to accomplish, I felt something sharp jab into my left ear. I jerked my head away and turned to see that Scootaloo was trying to shove an otoscope in there. She was wearing one of those mirrored doctor headbands on her forehead and a stethoscope hung around her neck.

“The patient seems to be suffering from Fecal Encephalopathy,” the orange pegasus announced dramatically. “We'll have to amputate immediately. Somepony get a bone saw!”

“No, I don't have Fecal Encephalopathy!” I insisted as Applejack ripped the pressure cuff off Rainbow's neck. I vaguely recalled coming across that phrase on the internet once and that it was doctor-speak that literally means “shit for brains.”

I felt something pull at the back of my pants, followed by another stab of pain—this time it came right from my ass. I spun around to see Sweetie Belle holding a long, old-fashioned glass thermometer.

“No,” I said evenly, despite my mounting frustration. “Just...just no.”

“But we need to take your core temperature,” the little unicorn protested.

Twilight rolled her eyes at the fillies' behavior and magically ladled out the green potion into the bowls while Nurse Redheart tried to get back all of her medical equipment. “You'll have only a minute or two before the effects start, so be sure to get in the baths before that happens.”

“Yeah yeah yeah,” Rainbow cut in as she rubbed at her recently liberated throat with one hoof and grabbed a bowl with the other. “Let's hurry this up. I want to get flying again before it gets dark. Bottoms up!”

She sucked all of her potion in at once, then abruptly gagged and brought a hoof to her mouth as her cheeks bulged out. She swallowed with difficulty and shuddered. “Holy crapstacks, that shit's horrible!”

“You need ta watch yer mouth 'round mah sis, girl,” Applejack said seriously as she gave her hat to Apple Bloom. She then swallowed her own potion, also cringed, and climbed into the bath with a splash. She disappeared into the bubbles and water for a moment, then resurfaced. “Oh, that feels mighty nice.”

I grimaced in advance and quickly shotgunned my potion as well. I could ignore the vile taste (it was like a mouthful of old bacon grease mixed with vinegar and liquified sauerkraut, if you wanted to know) and even the oily texture, but then the stuff came right back up! I forcefully swallowed it a second time, paused to make sure that none of it had come out my nose, and turned to the tub on the right.

I pulled off my shoes and shirt and started working on my belt before it hit me. I glanced around and noticed that everypony was staring at me. “Do you mind?” I asked a little irritably.

They looked around at each other in confusion. “What d'ya mean?” Apple Bloom asked.

“I'm not really comfortable undressing with all of you looking at me like that. Especially with three fillies around.”

“In case ya hadn't noticed, we don' normally wear clothes.” Applejack pointed out from her bathtub.

“You're running out of time,” Twilight reminded me.

I sighed in exasperation. “Alright, but I still don't like doing this.”

I hesitated for a moment longer, then stripped off my pants. A sudden wave of dizziness hit me before I could make it to the tub and left me staggering for a few seconds.

“What is that?” Apple Bloom gasped as I regained my balance. Scootaloo was staring at me and trying to figure out the same thing.

I quickly got myself back under control, hopped into the tub, and gathered as many suds as I could over my groin. The water was pretty hot, but I could feel my face burning even hotter.

“I didn't get a good look!” Sweetie Belle protested. She ran up to my bath and sunk her face right into the water over my crotch.

For a few seconds, my mind completely shut down and my body refused to react. In fact, everyone seemed frozen in surprise. The only movement in the room came from the bubbles that swirled around Sweetie Belle's head. Then...

“Aaahh,” Rainbow gasped in pain and slid under the water. As if a spell had been broken, everypony was moving again. I managed to move my arm and firmly lifted Sweetie Belle's dripping head out of the water by her horn.

“The potion is working, that is plain,” Zecora announced. “We must leave these ponies and human to their pain.”

Nurse Redheart ushered the fillies out of the room as Applejack gave a similar grunt of discomfort. Sweetie Belle seemed reluctant to leave, and for a moment I was afraid that she might try to get another look, but then she turned around and followed the others. Twilight gave me a strange glance as she closed the door behind them, and I could have sworn that she was blushing through her lavender fur.

Before I could decide if I had imagined the redness on her face or not, the pain hit me too. My entire skin started to burn and itch, and sharper pains stabbed randomly all over my body. It was very uncomfortable, like a sudden fever had come upon me. Rainbow and Applejack were moaning softly out of sight.

I glanced down at my arm as the burning grew more intense there and almost threw up at what I saw. A greasy black liquid was leaking out of my skin. It seemed to seep out from the same pores that the hairs were growing out of, which just seemed wrong on so many different levels.

Without thinking, I plunged my arm into the water. The dark fluid washed right off, leaving no trace of its existence behind. More came out, and I rinsed that off too.

Surprisingly, I was already feeling better. For every drop of that black stuff that came out, the pain subsided. Five minutes of scrubbing later, I was feeling great. The cramps, headache, and even my fatigue faded away. The other ponies were making less noise as well. I even thought that I could hear Rainbow laughing softly to herself.

I stood up and let the last of the dark liquid slide off into the tub. I grabbed a nearby towel, dried myself off quickly, and got my clothes back on just before the others hopped out of their baths.

“I ain't never felt so good in mah life,” Applejack grinned as she slapped her hat onto her still-soaking head.

“Tell me about it,” Rainbow shook her tail out and flapped her wings. “Now let's get some food and go home.”

Those last words made me realize just how hungry I was. After the chili, none of us had been able to swallow anything more substantial than the useless tea. It felt like the sides of my stomach were rubbing against each other.

The door interrupted my thought as it squeaked open and Pinkie Pie poked her head in. I almost didn't recognize her with her poofy pink mane hanging flat and lifeless. The giddy spark that always danced in her eyes was gone and her usually hyperactive bounciness was replaced with an unsure, nervous plod as she stepped inside.

“Uhh, hi...” she said uncertainly and stared at the floor.

“Pinkie Pie! What're ya doin' here?” Applejack asked loudly. She also seemed surprised at the change.

“I just...” Pinkie swallowed hard and winced. “I just wanted to...to c-come by and see how you were doing. Twilight said th-that something was going on.”

“We're better now, thanks to Zecora,” I said with a nervous glance to the others. The change in Pinkie's demeanor was really unnerving. “She made a potion that got rid of whatever was in those peppers.”

Pinkie cringed and rubbed at the floor with her hoof. “Oh. A-about that. I also wanted to...I wanted to say that I'm sorry for putting those things in your chili. I-I-I didn't know they were going to do this to you,” she finished pleadingly. Tears were welling up in her eyes and her tail was flopping around in agitation.

“We know,” I said as reassuringly as I could. I hate to admit it, but this new Pinkie Pie was starting to scare me. “You were just trying to help, and we understand that. I won't hold it against you.”

“Ever'thin's better now,” Applejack tried to soothe her with a warm smile. “Don' worry yer li'l head 'bout it no more. We still love ya, an' we forgive ya. Ain't that right, Rainbow Dash?”

Rainbow's face was contorted into a bunch of emotions at once. One moment she was scowling, then frowning, then half-smiling half-surprised, then furious, then some kind of expression that I had never seen anywhere before, then scowling again, then her features froze in a blank, unreadable stare. She tried to say something, but stopped.

Pinkie took a step back from the pegasus. “I...I can see that you're still up-upset. I'll...I'll just go and...and—”

“Hold on!” Rainbow cried out in a strangled voice and flew over to Pinkie.

The pink pony froze in panic, her moist eyes growing wider than ever. “I...I just...I was...”

She stopped as Rainbow threw her hooves around her neck and hugged her tight. “It's alright, Pinkie,” Rainbow said softly. “I know you didn't mean to hurt us.”

“You mean it, Dashie?”

“Yeah, I really do.” Rainbow's eyes were a little shiny too and her cocky smile came back. “Just promise that you'll be more careful with what you put in the food from now on.”

“Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!” Pinkie grinned. She pulled Applejack and me into the hug too as her mane poofed out to its usual level of absurd fluffiness. The air suddenly smelled like cotton candy and all the colors in the room were noticeably brighter than before.

Applejack shrugged and hugged back. Ah, what the hell. I added my arms to the embrace too. (Feel free to go “D'awwwww.”)

The hug dragged on for a minute or so before my stomach growled loudly enough for the ponies to hear. At the sound, Pinkie abruptly let go and the three of us crashed to the floor in a confused heap.

“Come on, everypony!” Pinkie bounced up and down, completely back to her normal energetic self. “Fluttershy's making some more of that chili just for you. No ghostie peppers in it this time, and that's a Pinkie promise!”

“Sounds good ta me,” Applejack smiled as she put her hat back on again and stood up. It sounded like a pretty good idea to me and Rainbow Dash too.

HappyEnd!

Pt. 4 (Rescue)

“Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together. It is the true magic of the universe.” — Woodrow Wilson

The next day, Pinkie had the brilliant idea to have a party to celebrate our recovery. Not just any party, though: she wanted to go to the beach and have a picnic there before summer ended. Since there weren't any beaches that we could travel to and return from without missing Luna's festival, we all decided that a nearby lake would have to do.

I had had a few brilliant ideas of my own (I get a lot of those). Rainbow Dash was wearing a harness that was connected to about twenty feet of rope that in turn was connected to a wooden handle that I held in my hand. We were both standing at the edge of the shore and looking out over the expanse of water.

“Are you completely certain that this is safe?” Rarity asked worriedly. She was watching us from the shadow of a nearby oak tree whose roots hung out into the lake. Despite the shade, she was wearing a straw sunhat on her head.

I nodded and shifted my weight on the wooden board that I had strapped to my feet. I'd already stripped off my shirt, glasses, and shoes and rolled my pant legs up to my knees. “I'll be fine, I've done this plenty of times before.” Behind a boat, I didn't mention.

Rainbow shrugged a few times to get the harness to fit more comfortably on her back. “Are you ready? Let's hurry up and try it out.”

I gripped the handle tightly. “Just try to keep going in a straight line for as long as you can, but don't get too close to the shore. Ready when you are.”

Rainbow Dash took off a moment later, speeding directly for the opposite shoreline only a couple of feet above the flat lake. There was a second where nothing happened, then I was yanked forcefully out over the water as the rope ran out of slack. I leaned back and bent my knees as my makeshift wakeboard came into contact with the lake.

Everything was going perfectly as Rainbow pulled me quickly across the water's surface and away from Rarity, Twilight (who was reading a book, naturally), and the barbeque that Pinkie Pie and Applejack were cooking on. The ponies didn't have meat, but they did have hot dogs and hamburgers made out of a mishmash of different fruits and vegetables that had been ground up and sprinkled with various spices. It was pretty much the vegetarian equivalent of spam. The end result had the same consistency as beef, and somehow even tasted pretty similar, but something about it was just wrong and I hadn't been able to swallow more than a few bites. Sometimes there's just no substitute for the real thing.

I was suddenly dragged back to the present as Rainbow changed course to avoid Fluttershy, who was also wearing a harness and pulled a snoring Spike across the lake in a rubber tube. I turned my board as well to give them a wide berth. The resulting wave rocked Spike hard enough to make him open an eye and glance around, but he was asleep again a few seconds later.

Rainbow turned sharply to the right as we came close to the other side of the lake, and I used the momentum to swing around to the left side. The water was clear and still, which gave me a decent wake to work with. I would have preferred a bigger one, but it was actually much better than I had been expecting, considering that Rainbow wasn't a boat or dragging anything through the water.

By the time that we got back to where we'd started, I'd pulled off a few jumps and grabs, but nothing spectacular. The wake just wasn't big enough, or maybe Rainbow's speed was off. Whatever it was, it prevented me from pulling off my favorite tricks. At least Rainbow had gotten a good laugh each time that I crashed. It was still pretty fun, but not completely satisfying.

I let go of the rope as we came close to the shore and let the momentum carry me to land. My back and knees were sore from the ride, but that wasn't anything unexpected. What was unexpected was the distinct lack of ponies under the trees.

“Where'd everypony go?” Rainbow asked out loud. “Is this one of your games, Pinkie?”

There was no way that we'd come to the wrong spot, since my stuff was all right where I'd left it. As I put my glasses back on, I got a better look at the place but still couldn't see our friends.

“Twilight?” I called out. “Rarity?”

“Pinkie Pie!” Rainbow shouted. “Applejack! Fluttershy!”

“I'm right here,” Fluttershy flew over, still pulling a still-sleeping Spike along on the water. “What's with all the yelling?”

“Did anypony mention going somewhere after we left?” I asked.

Fluttershy shook her head, making her wispy pink mane whip through the air. “I didn't hear anything, but I was out in the middle of the lake.”

“Uh, guys?” Rainbow pointed to the ground further inshore, which was churned up as if a bunch of animals had been digging through it. The barbeque was knocked over and most of the scattered almost-meat pieces had teeth marks on them.

Well, it looks like we have a mystery on our hands, I thought to myself as I got a closer look at the mess. Or hooves, whatever. What we need now is for a tall blonde guy, a redhead chick, a nerdy girl, a stoner with permanent munchies, and their Great Dane to all drive up in a flower-power van.

Spike sat up in his tube and rubbed his eyes before he realized that something was wrong. “What's going on?” he asked sleepily. “What happened to everypony?”

“We're trying to figure that out,” I said and scratched my head as I picked up the copy of Histories of the Griffon Kingdoms that Twilight had been reading. A bunch of the pages had been torn out and blew away in the wind. Well, that can't be good.

“Rarity's hat!” Spike grabbed the abandoned sunhat that was floating in the shallow water by the oak tree's roots and pressed it to his chest with a soggy crunch. “Don't worry, my love, we'll find you!” he promised the air.

Fluttershy started searching through the nearby brush. Every time that she pushed the scraggly vegetation aside, she shook her head and moved on to another location.

Rainbow Dash flew up above the trees and looked around. “No sign of 'em anywhere,” she announced after a minute or so.

I turned my head away to the left and scanned further along the shore. A speck of bright pink near the water's edge about fifty feet away caught my eye. I pointed it out and quickly walked over to it. The others wordlessly followed, still looking everywhere for any other clue.

The pink thing turned out to be Pinkie's saddlebag, which was half-buried in the mud. I noticed that there was a heavy lump about half the size of my head in the bottom as I picked it up. “Huh? Did she put a big rock in here?” I wondered out loud.

After opening the bag, the weight was revealed to be a bomb. Yes, a bomb. A stereotypical cartoony round black bomb with a long rope fuse. The only thing unusual about it (other than the fact that Pinkie had packed a fucking bomb for a relaxing trip to the lake) was that the fuse ended in a small metal plate with a LED screen flashing random colorful lights.

That screen was state-of-the-art futuristic technology by Equetrian standards, and of course Pinkie Pie was the one who owned it. And had it attached to an explosive. It makes perfect sense.

“Why is there a bomb in Pinkie's bag?” Rainbow nervously asked the obvious question that had no obvious answer.

Before I could even shrug or try to come up with some kind of explanation (as if there were any good ones), the mud beneath my feet liquified and I sunk right into it. Spike yelped as he was pulled into the ground as well, but his cry of surprise was cut off as the mud covered his mouth.

Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy rushed downwards to help us, but I sank out of sight before their hooves could reach my hand. I thrashed my arms around, trying to claw my way back up, but I was already too far down to reach the surface and was quickly sinking even further.

I began to panic as I fought to breathe, but suddenly I fell out of the muck and into clean air. Well, it actually smelled like stale farts and moldy leftovers, but it was marginally better than the mud in the sense that I could actually inhale it.

A moment after my arrival, Spike fell through the ceiling as well. He landed on his back with a grunt and gasped for breath. He was covered from head to tail in muck, and I was pretty sure that I didn't look any better.

I wiped as much of the gunk out of my eyes as I could and took in our new surroundings. We were in a small, damp underground tunnel that was sparsely lit by glowing blue crystals that stuck out of the walls at irregular intervals. I wasn't quite sure how the mud had allowed us to sink through without falling in on itself or leaving a hole, but it somehow made up the ceiling of the passage. Magic, probably. Magic is always the answer.

“What just happened?” Spike asked as he got his breath back and rubbed at his spine. Then he sniffed at the air and violently plugged his nose. “Ugh! Diamond Dogs! I'd know that smell anywhere!”

“Diamond Dogs? Here?” I struggled to remember the proper episode of the show. They were filthy canines who had a hard-on for jewels and could dig through the dirt like a fish swimming through water.

Spike nodded and wiped his chest off. “They captured Rarity last time we met them, and they've probably ponynapped the others too! We've gotta save 'em!”

I glanced down at the bomb that I had somehow managed to hold onto during the trip through the mud and got a new idea. Maybe this will come in handy, I thought as I wiped the mud off the piece with the LED screen.

The lights read “ARMED” and several options were listed next to tiny buttons, including “ALTER MAGNITUDE” and “SET TIMER.” I pressed the one that said “REMOTE DELAYED DETONATION”. The metal plate snapped itself off of the fuse and fell into my hand.

“What are you doing?” Spike's eyes went wide. “Don't mess around with that thing!”

A few more button presses and I'd set the bomb to go off fifteen minutes after pressing a small red button that popped out of the back of the plate. I now had a remote detonator.

“Do you even know what you're doing?”

“Yep,” I said as I nonchalantly shoved the bomb back into the muddy ceiling, where it stuck somewhere out of sight. “I just got us a bargaining chip.”

“For what?” Spike rolled his eyes. “Even if that thing blows up and fills the tunnel, they'll just dig another one. Some chip.”

“We're right next to a lake,” I reminded him. “All it'll take to make it flood this whole place is a little encouragement, if you know what I mean. I'm pretty sure that they'll want to avoid that.”

Spike's mouth turned into a small “o” as he understood the implications. Then he gave the ceiling a nervous glance and purposely occupied himself with cleaning off the rest of his scales.

I slid the detonator into my back pocket and made a mental note to be careful if I sat down. I knew that using the bomb would be risky, but it could definitely make negotiating the release of our friends much easier.

* * * * *

Spike and I quickly ran down the tunnel, which lead even deeper underground. The passage twisted and turned frequently, so my sense of direction got completely screwed up early on. To make matters even worse, there were occasional forks to choose from that would sometimes loop completely around and end up right back where they'd started.

Every so often, I stuck my ear to the ground like Indians would do in those old TV shows. I could actually hear faint shuffling and a few muffled thumps, but I had no way of telling what caused them or where they were coming from. They seemed to be getting slowly louder as we kept moving, but I wasn't completely sure.

It was impossible to tell how long we'd been descending, but after what felt like at least an hour a light appeared at the end of the tunnel that was much brighter than the crystals that dotted the walls. There were definitely noises coming from up ahead as well; it sounded like guttural voices.

I turned to Spike and held a finger to my lips before crouching on all fours and sneaking forward like Gollum. He nodded and hugged the wall, scrambling over loose rocks and making as little noise as possible.

The light turned out to be coming from a huge torch-lit cavern that was filled with gigantic glowing crystals and gems that protruded from the rough walls and ceiling. Massive diamonds and titanic rubies jutted out beside gargantuan emeralds and colossal sapphires. Not one of them was smaller than my head, and most were bigger than a car. It was a jeweler's wet dream and an excavator's piss-yourself-in-terror nightmare. (Either way, you'd need to change your sheets after seeing the place, is what I'm saying.)

Our tunnel connected to the chamber at the base of a rocky ledge that wrapped all the way around the room in a natural ramp. There were several gray boulders just outside the connection, and we hid behind those, peeking over them to get a better look around.

The grunts that we'd heard came from a bunch of dogs that were about the same size as me. They wore rusty gray armor and helmets that left their legs and club-like tails free but covered their eyes. Most of them were just standing around or patrolling in circles, though a few were digging at the base of some of the giant gems.

Three of the dogs stood off to the side, clothed in tattered vests with small jewels poking out of their pockets and more hanging from the collars around their necks. I dimly recalled that they were the leaders.

“Move faster!” the smallest of the Diamond Dogs sniveled as he cracked a whip in the air. He was brown and vaguely resembled a bulldog with drooping ears and arms that were far too long for him.

I raised myself up slightly to see who he was yelling at and had to fight back a gasp of complete unsurprise. Twilight, Rarity, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie were all yoked to carts that were piled high with gemstone fragments and were pulling them slowly across the room toward another tunnel. They all looked scared and trudged along obediently. Even Applejack sagged with fatigue and Pinkie looked defeated.

“He said move!” shouted the big blue oafish-looking dog as he swung his own whip and brought it down right on Rarity's flank. She tossed her head back with a grimace of pain. She didn't cry out or say anything because the Diamond Dogs had thought ahead and tied a muzzle onto each of the the ponies' snouts.

“Oh no you don't!” Spike tried to vault over the rocks, but I pulled him back and pinned him to the ground. He tried to struggle out of my grip and I had to shove my hand into his mouth to keep him quiet.

“Oh no you don't!” I hissed. “Listen, there's too many. If we just barge in there, they'll take us out too. We need to think of some kind of strategy.”

He spat my hand out with a disgusted look—it had been through the mud, after all—and quietly coughed a few times before trying to talk again. “Well, think faster. I'm not gonna just sit here and watch them get beaten up!”

Just as I was starting to put a plan together in my head, an angry growl came from behind us. We whipped around in time to see one of the guard dogs jump from the wall and barrel straight at us.

Spike managed to duck in time, but I wasn't so lucky. The dog's paws slammed into my chest and knocked me against the boulder. He leapt away again just as quickly with a screech of pain as Spike jabbed the point of his tail into the dog's unprotected leg. I booted the mutt in the side of his head, and he took off running back down the tunnel.

I would have been thankful for Spike's assistance, but that yelp turned the attention of all the Diamond Dogs straight to our location. Braying and barking filled the air and echoed in the cavern as they all charged right at us.

Shit. So much for strategy, I thought.

They cut off our retreat and we were quickly backed into a corner next to an absurdly big ruby that reached all the way to the vaulted ceiling. It was not an ideal situation for rescuing our friends. Suffice to say that I had not factored this possibility into my plan.

There were about thirty dogs in total, including the leaders. A few of them had crude maces or spears clutched in their paws, which they pointed menacingly in our direction. Their growls grew louder and a few of the dogs were even laughing to themselves.

The ponies had nothing holding them back except for the carts, but they were all too shocked by our appearance to realize this. I couldn't signal for them to run without their captors noticing.

“Stay back, you mutts!” I shouted as the Diamond Dogs began to close the gap. “One step closer and I'll set your brains on fire!”

I didn't even realize what I'd said until after the words had left my mouth, but the bluff seemed to make them pause for a moment. They shared glances (despite not having eye-holes in their helmets) and I could tell that they were mentally debating whether to risk it or not. They didn't know what I was, after all.

“It's true,” Spike quickly reassured them. “I saw him do it to Lyra yesterday because she looked at him funny. It was horrible, and she wouldn't stop screaming! Her skull popped right open and her brain was burnt to a crisp! He's crazy!”

Most of the dogs all took a few hurried steps back and put their tails between their legs. They suddenly seemed much less sure of themselves. Well, they didn't have to be smart, did they?

The gray medium-sized leader facepalmed (facepawed?) and muttered something to himself before turning to his smaller companion. “Spot, take him down!”

The brown bulldog leader shrank back with a whine and his ears drooped even more than before. “But...but...I like my brain the way it is.”

“Take him down!” the gray one screamed and jabbed a long finger at me.

Spot gulped and turned back to us. He set his face into a determined scowl and charged forward. Spike dove off to the side, but I stood my ground and waited, my hands curled into fists. The rest of the pack started howling in support of their sorta-leader's attack.

At just the right moment, I jumped forward and sunk my knee right into Spot's nose. Without missing a beat, I swung my arm down in a judo chop right to the back of his head. Spot crashed to the ground and slid to a bruised halt as his momentum stopped. He didn't move to get up.

The barking died down to shocked whimpers and some of the dogs retreated even further. They stared at me warily and stuck their tails between their legs again. The entire pack seemed to be having second thoughts.

The gray alpha pulled at his pointy ears in frustration. “Oh, you useless...Fido, you go and get him!”

“But boss...” the big blue dog protested. His yellow eyes were filled with fear.

The gray one grabbed him by the collar and forcefully shoved him at me. Fido seemed genuinely terrified, despite being slightly bigger than I was.

“Run while you can,” Spike suggested. Fido seemed to think that that was a good idea and slowly backed away.

The gray one wasn't having any of that. “I will skin you alive if you don't rip his head off this instant!” he shrieked. His sickly green eyes had become bloodshot in the last minute or so.

Fido seemed momentarily torn between fleeing from me or his boss until one of the armored dogs tossed a spear forward, which he desperately grabbed and pointed right at my face. The other dogs started growling again and banged on each other's armor like drums.

The blue dog narrowed his eyes and ran forward, jabbing the spear right at me. I ducked to the side and grabbed the weapon's shaft, but he shoved his shoulder into my chest and knocked me on my back.

The dogs howled louder than ever, screaming for blood.

As Fido moved in for the kill, Spike jumped onto his back and pulled at his neck. Fido responded to this by slamming his back into the giant ruby. Spike released his grip and slowly slid down the jewel's face when the dog pulled away. Little stars spun around the little dragon's head.

With that distraction out of the way, Fido turned his attention back to me and pointed the weapon at my head again. I rolled straight at him and shoved him back. I grabbed at the spear again and turned it sideways so that the point was away from either of us. We both pulled at it for a moment, and the veins on both of our arms popped out.

Then I twisted my grip and slammed the blunt end painfully into his jaw. Before he could recover from the blow, I tore the weapon out of his paws and pulled it against my knee. It snapped in half without much resistance. I smashed the blunt ends against his head in a quick flurry of heavy blows and finished with a double swing that hit home on both sides of his neck at once.

Fido crumpled to the ground right next to Spot with a grunt. He didn't try to get back up either.

Again the noise died down to whimpers. I was breathing pretty hard, despite not having done a whole lot. Adrenaline does that to you.

The gray leader seemed taken aback by Fido's not-moving status and my not-dead status. He tried to take a few steps away, then froze as I pointed my finger straight at him and slowly curled it back towards myself. Come get some, the gesture said. My blood was pumping and I felt invincible. I knew that getting too confident was dangerous, but I didn't really care at that point.

Only then did I realize that my right ass-cheek was really hurting. Then I realized why. Oh. Shit. Not good. This is really not good.

I cleared my throat and tried to keep the panic out of my voice as I called out the remaining alpha. “Do you want to try now?” My voice was much calmer than I felt.

“Uh, n-no...not really...” He tried to back away again.

“Is this your leader?” I spat at the armored dogs. “You follow this runt who tells you to do things that he's not willing to do?”

“Who are you calling a runt?” The gray one's eyes flashed in anger.

“You, obviously,” Spike called out from where he was eating the diamonds from Spot's collar.

“Shut up,” I hissed quietly and turned back to the gray dog. Even though it would be great to stage a full-scale uprising against him from his own troops, that might take a while. We didn't have a while to take.

“I could spend a few more minutes taking you all out even without frying your brains, but at the moment I'm more than willing to be merciful. If you release the ponies and leave this place for good, I'll let you all live.”

“And leave all theses gems behind?” He gestured at the giant jewels that decked out the cavern. “Forget it! We know that you'll just take them for yourselves. We'll never surrender our wealth to the ponies and...and whatever you are!”

This was taking too long. I almost thew another threat out, then a sudden thought entered my mind. It was absurd—there was no way that they'd accept it. Still...

Well, it's worth a shot. “In that case, I might have another proposition for you.”

His ears perked up at that. “And that is...?” he said warily.

I twisted the pointy end of the broken spear into the dirt to vent my growing agitation. “Listen up, Rover. We have—do you have a name?”

“Rover,” he growled.

“Well, listen up, Rover. What do you say to an accord that will provide a mutual benefit to all of us?”

The dogs all looked at each other in confusion. So did the ponies, who still hadn't made a move to escape. Spike raised an eyebrow as he chewed the last of Fido's gems.

“Go on,” Rover said, his curiosity overcoming his fear and anger.

“It's simple, really,” I said more evenly than I should have been able to. “It's called capitalism, or private enterprise if you prefer. Instead of stealing a bunch of ponies away and forcing them to work, you hire them. You pay them with a set percentage of the gems that they haul.”

“Why should we do that?” Rover sneered. “Why share instead of taking them all for ourselves?”

“Other than to avoid my wrath?” I casually nudged Spot's unconscious body with my shoe. “Because you'll get a lot more jewels in the long run. Like I said, you get to keep most of the gems, and they only earn more when they work harder. Working harder to increase their wages means more profits for you. Imagine, just as a quick example, that one pony gets ten percent of the gems, so they have to haul a hundred of them before they earn ten and you keep the other ninety. If they want to increase their take to twenty gems, they have to pull two hundred, and you get a hundred and eighty of them. Everyone wins.

“Also, since they'd be here of their own free will, you wouldn't have to worry about them escaping, which means that you could set these guards to doing something more productive than standing around to keep an eye on them. Have them dig up the gems or reinforce the tunnels or something.”

A few of the guards were nodding along and nudged each other, but Rover still looked skeptical. “What about the unicorns? We want them to help us find more gems when we're done here.”

“I'm sure that for the right price you could convince them to work for you every once in a while to find another motherlode of jewels.” Another random thought popped into my head and quickly took shape. “And speaking of them, Rarity could probably set up another shop specifically to sell jewelery in Canterlot if you invest a few loads of gems to help get it started. In return, she could give you shares in that store so that you have a say in how it functions and get a fraction of the total profits that come from it.”

Rarity's eyes bugged out of her head at the thought of partnering with the dogs, but I could tell that she was interested in the concept. Not everypony could say that they owned two successful businesses.

Rover tapped at his chin in thought. The other dogs kept shifting their attention between him and me. I frantically wished that he would hurry up and make his decision.

Finally, he nodded. “Alright, you have a deal.” He walked up and stretched out his dirty paw, which I shook firmly. Normally I would have been a little hesitant to touch something so filthy, but I was a little preoccupied and sucked it up.

I couldn't believe that it had actually worked. Maybe they were just that stupid after all. But we were still in a rush, so I didn't waste time dwelling on it.

I cleared my throat once more. “If that's settled, we'll be back tomorrow to work out the details and write up a contract. If you would be so kind as to show us the way out...”

“Why wait?” Rover's eyes suddenly narrowed again in suspicion. “We could get started now.”

“Because...” I threw my gaze around and saw Rarity again, her hair all disheveled and her coat caked with dust. I snapped my fingers and pointed right at her. “Because these ponies are all dirty and tired out, that's why. You can't make important business decisions and set regulations in this state! They need to rest and get themselves washed up.”

I grabbed Rover's vest and pulled him closer—I was careful to avoid breathing—so I could whisper in his ear. “And, between you and me, Rarity whines way too much when she's not perfectly clean.”

Rover nervously glanced over his shoulder and nodded enthusiastically. “I know what you mean. Very well, we'll meet here again tomorrow at dawn. You four!” he snapped his fingers at the nearest armored dogs, who came to attention. “Release the prisoners and lead them all to the surface. Make it quick, so that she doesn't have a chance to start whining again.”

* * * * *

The trip back to the open air was quick, but not fast enough for my preference. Our escorts didn't seem to notice my agitation, and lead us rapidly through the twisting tunnels and into the sunlight. We emerged from a large rocky cave that jutted out of a hill about a quarter of the way around the lake from the site of our ruined picnic.

Pinkie bounced along, humming a happy song to herself as we left the darkness behind. The other ponies and Spike let out sighs of relief. I still glanced around nervously. We weren't safe yet.

I jumped as Rarity started talking. “Jesse, I must say that you were quite clever back in that cave. And the new business opportunity! It's like a dream come true! This deal is the chance of a lifetime!”

I felt a rock of guilt drop into the pit of my stomach. She looked so happy, and I had bad news for her.

I twisted around to make sure that the guard dogs weren't listening too closely and whispered back. “Sorry, Rarity, but I was just talking out of my ass back there. There's not gonna be a deal.”

“What?” both she and Twilight asked at the same time, completely caught off guard.

“I'll explain later. Listen up; I'm not sure how much time we have left, so we need to get away ASAP. Pinkie, count to five. When she's done, everypony run into the forest.”

“Okie dokie lokie,” Pinkie said with a smile, still bouncing and not questioning my order. “One, one, it's so much fun! Two, two, don't be blue! Thre—”

A massive explosion shot out of the mud near our picnic site, throwing chunks of the ground into the air and shaking the lake into a mass of choppy waves. The ground heaved violently and threw us all forward. The dogs growled in confusion.

“Shit, just run!” I yelled and sprinted for the trees. I could hear the clopping of the four ponies' hooves right at my heels as they followed my lead. Angry barks and the pounding of the dogs' feet followed closely as they gave chase a moment later. I turned around in time to see Spike blow a few green flames to keep them at bay as he struggled to hold onto Twilight's mane.

We reached the treeline quickly, where the tangled roots of the trees would prevent any Diamond Dogs from digging after us. That's what I was hoping, anyway.

Two of the armored dogs ran right into tree trunks (eye-holes were invented for a reason) and a third got tangled in the brush. The last one seemed to be slightly more competent and managed to catch up behind Applejack. She bucked him right in the face for his trouble and he ran off with a howl of pain.

More barks sounded out behind us, but the dogs couldn't travel as quickly as the ponies while we were above ground. After a few more minutes of running, the braying faded and we stopped to rest in a small rocky clearing.

“Just...just what was that commotion?” Rarity asked as she gasped for breath. “What happened back there?”

“A bomb,” I replied as I got my own energy back. “We found it in Pinkie's bag.”

“You used my bomb?” Pinkie frowned at me incredulously. “I was saving that!”

“Why did you set it off when things were going so great?” Twilight asked. She sounded a little upset too.

“I didn't mean to!” I said a bit too defensively. “I was going to use it as a threat so that we could get them to release you, but they attacked before I could mention it. Then when Fido knocked me down, I hit the button by accident and started the timer.”

“That's what happened?” said Spike. “I was wondering why you never brought it up. So...now we've just flooded all the tunnels and the cavern with all the jewels in it? Right when we could have made a great deal to keep the Diamond Dogs from ponynapping ever again and helped Rarity start another store?”

“Uh...yeah. Pretty much.” It did sound really bad when he put it like that.

The others all purposely moved their gazes away from me. I suddenly had a flashback to seventh grade, when I was one of those kids that everyone avoided for no particular reason. Only, in this case, they had a pretty damn good reason.

Christ, you really fucked that one up, I told myself as I pulled the now-useless detonator out of my back pocket and tossed it into the trees. Dammit.

“Oh, come on!” Rarity spoke up with an edge of anger in her voice. “Jesse just saved us from a lifetime of slavery, and you're all upset about some silly business contract that probably would have fallen apart anyway? Why, we should all—”

“Hey, there you are!” Rainbow Dash's loud voice interrupted as she flew down from a cloud with Fluttershy following more slowly. “What happened to everypony? And do any of you know why the lake's draining away?”

“Dashie!” Pinkie shouted excitedly and jumped straight up into the blue pegasus' hooves. “It was really weird! First those meanie Diamond Dogs captured us, then Jesse and Rover tried to make a deal, then my bomb exploded, and did you know that giraffes can clean their own ears with their tongues? That's just so gross!”

“Is that...you...wait, what?” Rainbow looked confused, then shook her head to clear it. “Forget it, let's just get the hell outta here.”

“Pinkie, why did you even have a bomb in your bag?” Fluttershy asked as she landed on the ground and walked with the rest of us. Heading back to Ponyville seemed like the proper thing to do at this point.

“I had it in case we ran into a chupacabra, duh,” Pinkie said cheerfully as she hopped along, as if that were the most obvious thing in the world.

“An' jus' what the hay is a chupathingy?” Applejack asked, then shook her head. “Ya know what, on second thought, I don' really wanna know.”

The rest of the trip back to town was quiet except for the wind in the trees and Pinkie's humming.

* * * * *

“'Dear Princess Celestia,'” Twilight spoke aloud as she used her magic to write a note. “'Today my friends and I learned that, even though things don't always go perfectly, they can still work out. Sometimes you just have to settle for what's good enough and realize that complaining about what might have been won't improve the situation.'”

“That's not very inspirational,” I paused in my drawing and twirled my pencil around. Spike lowered the stick that he was holding and relaxed. On the paper, he was swinging a sword to defend a cowering Rarity from a rabid manticore.

Twilight sighed. “I know. I really did learn a lot today, but I'm having trouble finding the right words to describe it.” With a groan of frustration she crumpled up the letter and dropped it into a waste bin. There were six other rejected drafts of the same note already in there.

I turned back to my drawing and frowned as I added a few lines to Rarity's horn. “I still think she's upset. Rarity, I mean.”

“Of course she's not,” Twilight insisted with a forced smile. “She said so herself that the deal probably would have fallen apart, and she was right. Those Diamond Dogs are greedy creatures, so it's pretty unlikely that they'd accept a contract that's fair to us.”

“But we'll never know for sure,” Spike hefted his stick and stuck his heroic pose again, then shrugged as Twilight glared at him. “What? It's true.”

Twilight rolled her eyes and got out a new piece of paper. “Ugh,” she growled in frustration. “I don't even know where to begin this thing!”

“How about you start by saying that making a decision too fast can come back to bite a chunk out of your ass,” I offered.

“That's great, can I quote you on that?” she asked sarcastically, then her face brightened. “Why don't you write the letter? I'm sure the Princess would love to hear about it all from your perspective.”

“Oh hells no,” I protested as she levitated the quill and paper to me. “I can't write to a Princess! What am I supposed to say? Forget about the deal, I managed to—”

Twilight cut me off. “If you don't want to write it, maybe I can convince Princess Celestia to come to Ponyville so that you can just tell her face-to-face. I'm sure she wouldn't mind at all.”

“On second thought, writing doesn't sound so bad,” I muttered. At least then I wouldn't have to worry about answering questions unless the Princess wrote back. Not to mention that this way I would avoid her possible—if unlikely—fury at being summoned away from her palace. I didn't really like the idea of being banished to the moon.

I had to write it out a few times. Twilight gave me a few tips and Spike offered occasional insight such as “She doesn't need to know your life story, man,” and “That sounds stupid, use a different word.” Eventually, I got it into a somewhat presentable form:

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am Jesse the human, writing to you at the request of Twilight Sparkle. I know that she will occasionally send you a report on her what she learns about friendship, and she has decided that I should make one of my own based on the experiences of today.

What I learned from our ordeal is that a hasty decision, even when made with the best intentions, can occasionally cause a great deal of harm. Despite this, choices must be made and their consequences must be faced. You need to learn from the mistakes that you make and not allow them to keep you from moving forward.

On another note, I also learned that leaders need to be considerate of their followers and should never give orders that they wouldn't be willing to follow. Such a ruler only plants the seeds of their own destruction and will one day find themselves abandoned by their subjects. In this way, you may rest assured that your reign will far outlast Rover the Diamond Dog's.

I greet you on behalf of Earth and look forward to one day making your acquaintance.

Jesse

It wasn't the best letter that I've ever written, but it was short and summed everything up in a fairly concise manner. I never claimed to be a great writer, anyway. (I know what you're thinking right now, and shut up about the irony. Nopony likes a smartass.)

After Spike sent the note, we got back to my drawing. Despite what Twilight and my letter had said, I could have sworn that the charcoal Rarity's eyes were secretly accusing me of stealing away a perfect opportunity from her.

Pt. 5 (Magic)

“I raise quarter horses. Mine are mostly thoroughbred cross horses, a little bigger horses than some people like. I used to raise ponies too, but then Pinkie Pie gave me diabeetus.” — Wilford Brimley

I made a few more lines on the chalkboard and stepped back so that the others could see clearly. “Now, this chunk of land up here is called Alaska. It's part of America too, but hardly anyone lives there because it's mostly covered in ice. The cities are all in the southern parts.”

I'd decided to start small when interacting with the rest of Ponyville's population, and taking a day to teach the school-foals had seemed like a fairly innocuous step. They'd all warmed up to the idea of learning about an alien world and—after I promised to refrain from laying eggs in their brains or enslaving them into my evil zombie army—they practically dragged me into the schoolhouse. Several different classes had gathered into one room to attend my lecture, and the place was just slightly crowded.

Scootaloo carefully raised her hoof so that she wouldn't accidentally hit her neighbors. “Why's it all the way up there? Why isn't the rest of the place America too?”

“It's another country,” I patiently explained to the classroom. “It's called Canada, and they've given the rest of the planet a few good things. Stuff like maple syrup, Rush, and Colin Mocherie, but they haven't had a huge impact on the world. As for why they're between Alaska and the other states, the French claimed a lot of this territory first hundreds of years ago. Eventually the settlers declared their independence and became their own nation, which is something that happened a lot on this side of the Atlantic.” I knew that that last bit was a huge oversimplification, but it would suffice for the time being. I never learned a whole lot about Canadian history anyway. (Or lack thereof. Zing!)

“What's that place down there?” a red unicorn filly that I didn't recognize pointed to the bottom right portion of my chalk map. I'd somehow screwed up the scale and made the landmass in question almost as big as Russia. Oh well.

“That island's another country called Australia. Just about everything that moves there will try to kill you. It's infested with giant spiders, poisonous snakes, crocodiles, and dingoes. Don't even get me started on the dingoes. For a long time, the whole place was used as a natural prison for criminals, because no—”

“Fascinating,” a bored voice drawled from the back of the room. “But I was under the impression that our otherworldly visitor to be up to something more impressive than becoming a common school teacher.”

Everypony turned in their desks to see who was talking, and there were scattered gasps as they laid eyes on the source of the interruption. A blue unicorn mare was calmly sitting on top of a spare desk in the corner with her legs crossed. Her pointy purple hat and cape were covered in circles and stars, and that haughty smirk was unmistakable. It was Trixie the sorceress.

Cheerilee coughed softly from her paper-strewn desk. “I'm sorry, but you seem to be a little old for my classroom. And if you don't want to hear what our guest speaker has to offer, I'll have to ask you to leave.”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie does not have time for your prattling,” Trixie said dismissively. She hopped down from the desk, stuck her nose in the air, and loftily stepped around the students to the front of the classroom. “Surely the human has heard of Trixie's amazing talents just as she has heard of him even as far away as Baltimare. Such a shame that you ponies would have one of such exalted reputation in this ramshackle town.”

“Are you the magician that they won't stop talking about?” I asked. I actually hadn't heard a single word about her, but I decided to lead her on anyway.

Trixie sniffed and theatrically held a hoof to her chest. “I am not just a magician. I am the one and only Great and Powerful Trixie!” If we hadn't been in such cramped quarters, she probably would have set off some fireworks out for emphasis.

“So you said. Well, Great and Powerful Trixie, I've heard that your disappearing act is the best part of your shows. Could you skip ahead to that and let us get back to the lesson?”

A few giggles came from the seated foals, which seemed to irritate the unicorn. She narrowed her eyes dangerously. “You dare to mock me? You will not spurn the Great and Powerful Trixie so contumeliously!”

“That's a big word,” I returned mildly.

“If you want, next time I'll say it slower,” she shot back.

I leaped forward and grabbed her by the neck. “HOW DARE YOU STEAL A JOKE FROM THE GREATEST CANADIAN WHO EVER LIVED?” I shouted as I ripped her horn right out of her forehead and shoved it straight into her eye. As Trixie screamed in pain, the students all turned into purple gorillas and started smacking each other with ginormous pink dildos before lapsing into a massively bloody orgy.

No, none of that last paragraph actually happened. You should see the look on your face right now.

Her comment just annoyed me. “Look, if you want to talk, you'll just have to wait until after we're done here. We still have another...” I glanced at the clock on the wall. “...hour and a half to go, give or take.”

Trixie flipped her mane through the air with a sigh. “Very well. But do not think that you have seen the last of the Great and Powerful Trixie!”

With a puff of gray smoke, the interrupting pony vanished. The door slammed shut just behind a retreating whitish blue tail.

I rolled my eyes and turned back to the chalk board. I'd deal with her later. But first I had a bunch of foals to teach.

“Okay, now where was I? Were we talking about Australia or Austria? Did I mention a bunch of killer animals or the Governator?...”

* * * * *

After talking a little more about Earth and its various countries, I dismissed the class. The colts and fillies all seemed a little reluctant to leave, but their need to go outside and play overcame their desire to hear more.

“Thank you again for coming in,” Cheerilee said brightly as the last of the students left the room. “I've never seen them so interested in learning before.”

“My pleasure, we should do it again some time,” I said as I took a sip from a small wooden bottle of tea. That day's brew tasted like apricots and raspberries.

I'd never been a big fan of tea on Earth, but the the ponies had hundreds of different kinds to choose from. It was like they'd heard about Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans and took it as a personal challenge. There were the ordinary types, like various fruits, berries, and candies, but they also came in some pretty wild varieties such as deviled egg, pickles, hoof polish, and dish soap. The stuff was addictive as all hell, and I'd gotten into the mindset of “Gotta drink 'em all.”

“Are you finally done?” came that pesky voice. The blue unicorn came back through the door with little ceremony.

I sighed. “Yes, Trixie, we're done.”

“I am the Grea—”

“Not right now, you're not,” I cut her off with a wave of my hand. “Just drop it, I'm not gonna add three extra words every time I say your name. Now what do you want, anyway?” I knew that I was acting like a prick despite having just met her, but something about her just rubbed me the wrong way.

“I-I think I'll just be going,” Cheerilee excused herself as she gathered all the papers into her saddlebags. “Would you mind locking the door when you're done?”

Trixie waited until the teacher left before setting her hat down on the nearest desk and shaking her pale mane out. “As you are obviously aware, I am the greatest magician that Equestria has ever been so graced to have walk upon it. I am not called the Great and Powerful Trixie for nothing; I earned the right to use that title through years of dedication to my craft.

“Though my talents have been contested many times, not once have I ever been defeated in an official one-on-one test of skill. As such, I have no laudable competition and I seek a worthy adversary to contend with. This world has been lacking the kind of challenge that I desire, so perhaps a visitor from another one will suffice.”

I narrowed my eyes. “Are you challenging me to a magic duel?”

“I believe that 'competition' might be a better word, but yes. Do you accept?”

I shrugged and picked up my bottle of tea again. “Alright, you win. Since I can't even use magic, you're the victor by default. Congratulations. Now if you'll excuse me...”

Trixie's eyes went wide. “What? Do you honestly expect me to believe that you could be the subject of such tales and renown without any kind of magic at all?”

“I honestly don't know what stories you've been hearing, and I don't really care,” I muttered as I made for the door. “But no, I can't use magic. Never have, probably never will. Have a nice day.”

My last sentence dripped with scorn as I shut the door in Trixie's aghast face.

* * * * *

An hour after leaving the schoolhouse, I was busy helping Fluttershy in her cottage. A few of her animals had gotten sick recently, and I hadn't been doing anything important, so I decided to offer my assistance. I've always been pretty good at handling animals, and her pets were fairly trusting of me.

I was holding a small gray rabbit still while Fluttershy fed him some carrot soup when the door slammed open. The rabbit jumped out of my grip at the sudden noise and hopped behind a stack of pillows. Trixie stood in the doorway, her cape fluttering lightly in a sudden breeze.

Fluttershy squealed in panic at the sudden noise and quickly flew behind her couch. “T-take w-whatever you want. It's all yours! J-just don't hurt us!” she fearfully stammered as she tried to shrink out of sight.

“As if you have anything worth taking,” Trixie cast a disdainful eye over everything in sight. “Trixie is here to speak with the human.”

“Is this about your challenge again?” I asked irritatedly. I was already getting tired of this.

Trixie put on a wicked smile. “It is, and I believe that you will reconsider now. You see, the Great and Powerful Trixie has something that she believes you will want very much. Somepony, to be more accurate.”

Trixie's horn glowed and a swirling portal of light appeared in the air. The scene that the spell depicted was dark and indistinct. It seemed to be some sort of cave that I wasn't familiar with, but I did recognize the huddled white-and-purple shape...

“Rarity!” Fluttershy gasped from her hiding place. “What have you done with her?”

“Isn't it obvious?” Trixie cast a miffed glance at the timid pegasus as she let the picture fade away. “I've captured her, and if you want to get her back anytime soon, the human must accept my challenge.”

“So you've pulled the stereotypical damsel-in-distress routine?” I asked, pretty annoyed at how cliché this was. “Let me guess, if I lose you'll keep her forever and—”

“Celestia, no!” Trixie shook her head. “I'll release her either way, so long as you make a genuine effort to best me. She's more annoying than I thought possible. I'll just hang onto her for another week or two if you refuse, and I doubt that she would be happy with that. Imagine how irate she will be if you decline now and leave her in my custody for that long.”

So maybe this wasn't quite that cliché after all. “Alright then,” I muttered through gritted teeth. “I accept your challenge. What are the rules to this magic business?”

“It's quite simple,” Trixie said, and she put on her theatrical airs again. “There are three rounds to an official magic competition: a card trick, a light or illusion show, and finally whatever act the magicians wish to end with. Best two out of three wins. A crowd will watch and decide which of us is the greater magic-user.

“We will meet tomorrow at noon in Ponyville's town square. You have until then to prepare.”

With a triumphant smirk, Trixie dramatically drew up her cape and another cloud of smoke announced her departure. The door slammed shut and the escaped rabbit hopped away again, this time heading for the kitchen.

The silence went on for a few moments before a flustered Fluttershy (Flustershy?) stepped back out in the open. She looked a little upset at what had just happened.

“Ohhh, that Trixie makes me so angry, I-I could just...I could just...” Her wings flapped in agitation and she drew her hooves high into the air to give the floor a furious stomp...

Tap.

With that out of her system, she turned to me. “What are you going to do? You can't use magic, you said so yourself. How are you going to beat her and get Rarity back?”

I was still glaring at where Trixie had been standing. “There's one thing better than having magic,” I muttered to myself in that special calm voice that you can only pull off when you're really pissed. The gears in my brain were turning rapidly. “And that's making everyone else think that you do even after you tell them that you don't.”

* * * * *

Twilight's horn glowed as we walked along the rocky hills south of Ponyville. She was using a modified version of Rarity's jewel-finding spell, but we were looking for something other than gems at the moment. It was pretty late in the day for that, but we had to work fast if everything was going to be ready before the next morning.

“Ya know,” Applejack drawled as she followed the two of us, “I don' get why yer goin' ta so much trouble. It seems ta me that ya could jus' show up, pretend ta give a care how this turns out, an' let 'er win. We'd get Rarity back jus' the same, so why're ya gonna even bother puttin' on a halfway decent show?”

I shook my head and stepped over a jagged stone. “We have a saying on Earth: If it's worth doing, it's worth overdoing. I'm gonna make Trixie regret forcing me into this.”

“Don't go too far,” Twilight warned seriously. “Hubris has always been Trixie's problem. But I understand what you're saying. Who knows how much extra boasting she would do? Saying that she'd defeated a human would stroke her ego to no end.”

I couldn't help but snort at that. “I'll bet that's exactly what she's aiming for. It would almost be worth throwing the challenge just to see her face when that dream gets crushed.”

Both ponies raised an eyebrow at me. “What d'ya mean by that?” Applejack asked.

Before answering, I readjusted the saddlebags so that they sat more evenly on my shoulders. One was already filled with several pounds of white powdery saltpeter. “Think about it for a minute, Applejack. I'm only here because of Twilight's spell, so that technically makes me her minion. So even if Trixie does somehow manage to win, it'll count as a point against Twilight, not me. And since the 'Great and Powerful Trixie' already lost to her once, she'll have to challenge Twilight and win again before she can say that she's the best.”

“How did you know that?” Twilight asked. “I don't remember telling you about the Ursa Minor.”

“Fluttershy mentioned it earlier,” I quickly lied with an inward wince. Strike one.

Applejack raised her other eyebrow at that, but Twilight gave a soft “Aha!” before she could ask any more questions. Twilight's glowing horn pointed right into a shallow crevice in a steep cliff face. A pungent odor like rotten eggs wafted out of the crack.

“Eww,” Applejack brought her hoof to her nose. “Tha' smells 'most as bad as them Diamond Dogs. Do we really need this stuff?”

“Yes,” I insisted as I a small hammer and chisel from one of the bags and began harvesting the smelly yellow rocks that lined the crack's interior. It looked like I could get as much as I needed from that one spot. “Now, Twilight, we need to change the spell again. We need lodestones, can you find some of those? Just a few small ones should be enough.”

* * * * *

I didn't get a chance to sleep that night. I kept a small gas lamp burning (kept far away from what I was working on, of course) into the early hours of the morning as I frantically put everything together. I'd done several all-night study binges for college finals before, but if it hadn't been for the copious amounts of hot cinnamon-flavored tea, I might not have managed to keep myself alert.

The ponies had all offered to help, but beyond a few quick uses of Twilight's duplication spell—which she'd finally gotten to work right at some point—and Fluttershy's assistance at something that I couldn't do myself, I insisted on working alone. This was partially out of concern for their safety and partially because what I had in mind had a very small margin for error.

Pinkie Pie took it upon herself to set out a plate of cupcakes for me, but I was too busy grinding up pieces of scrap copper into powder to notice until several hours later. I could hear them muttering among themselves that I was really dedicating myself to getting Rarity back, almost to the point of obsession. Or something like that. I was a bit too preoccupied with setting a spring in place—and imagining what looks would come onto Trixie's face throughout the contest—to hear everything that they were saying. The others eventually got bored of staring at me hunched over the table and left me to continue my preparations in the main room of the library by myself.

I tried to keep the noise level down after Spike and Twilight went to bed, but failed miserably at it. I'm not sure how they managed to sleep through the hammering, sawing, metallic clicks and rasping, and a series of small explosions that rang out from downstairs. Or maybe I kept waking them up and they were just too polite to tell me to knock it off.

By the time that I was satisfied with what I'd made, the sun had already broken away from the horizon. My fingers were sore. My head hurt. My back ached. My eyes and throat burned from the acrid smoke that hung in the air. But everything was ready, and that was what really mattered. I'd never learned much about performing magic beyond watching a few TV specials and reading a couple of books, but, even without Tesla's cloning device, Ponyville was still in for one hell of a show.

I sighed and pushed my chair back onto its back legs. I closed my eyes for just a moment while I stretched my arms out, then opened them again.

A pair of green eyes stared right back.

“Shit!” I frantically pulled away from the unexpected stare. I overbalanced in the chair and the back of my head smacked into the floorboards. That's one way to wake yourself back up.

“Are you alright?” Sweetie Belle asked with concern.

“No,” I muttered as I rubbed the back of my skull. “What are you doing here?”

The little unicorn tucked a stray bit of her mane behind her ear. “I've been looking for you. I'm worried about my sister, and Apple Bloom said that Applejack said that you're going to get her back. Is that true?”

I really should have expected this, but I'd been focused more on beating Trixie than saving Rarity. I could say that this was because she would be released only if I gave Trixie a real challenge first, but I would be lying if I did. In truth, I'd treated the whole affair as a personal attack that deserved a personal response, and Rarity was just a niggling detail.

I set that thought aside and nodded. “Don't worry, she'll be free tomorrow. You can count on it.”

Sweetie Belle gave me a big smile, followed by an even bigger hug around my waist. “Thank you thank you thank you!” she said breathlessly as her grip tightened. “I miss her so much!”

I gently pulled away from her embrace. She'd stuck her face right into my crotch again and her horn was digging into my gut. “Don't worry,” I repeated softly. “And save some of that energy for Rarity. I bet she's missing you too right now.”

She sniffed and nodded. “She really likes you, you know. She kept talking about how you saved her from the Diamond Dogs, and now she'll be talking about how you saved her from Trixie. She says that you're the best human ever, and I know it's true!”

“Uh...yeah, not really,” I shifted my weight uncomfortably. “There are plenty of other humans who are better than me. I'm just the only one who's here.”

“Well, you're the only one we need,” Sweetie Belle said brightly. “I'll be watching the show and cheering for you.”

With that, she trotted out of the library and into the morning light. It was only a few minutes after she left that I realized that her last sentence might be a really bad thing.

* * * * *

News of the upcoming duel had spread like wildfire throughout Ponyville. As the sun reached for the highest point in the sky, just about every pony in town and a few from nearby villages had gathered at the rickety wooden stage that had been hastily constructed in the middle of the town square. Every cloud in the sky had been repurposed by the pegasi to serve as deluxe seats.

Behind the stage's curtain, I checked all of my equipment yet again. I knew that everything was in order, but the back of my mind kept nagging at me to take another look just in case something was missing. I told myself that I was just nervous and tired, but insisting that everything was fine didn't help at all.

I raised the wooden bottle to my mouth and took a big swallow of sugary blueberry tea. There hadn't been a single mention of any kind of coffee in Equestria, so it would have to do. I knew that I needed to keep myself awake and alert, or else things could go really bad really fast.

Hoofsteps sounded out behind me. I turned and saw a smirking Trixie walk up, followed by a small orange earth pony that I'd never seen before. His blond mane and tail were fairly long for a stallion and a pair of dark green stars adorned his flanks.

The unicorn threw her nose in the air and raised a hoof to the sky. “So, how does it feel to know that you are going to be going head to head against the Great and Powerful Trixie? Do you feel the honor flooding your veins? Can you hear the overwhelming awe of this moment echoing within your soul?”

I resisted the urge to tell her that I was going to make her eat those words. Better to wait and let it hit her in the face a few minutes later.

“Where's Rarity?” I asked instead.

“You'll get your fillyfriend back after your performance,” Trixie declared with a wave of her hoof. “We can't risk having the two of you running away after drawing such a crowd, can we?”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, sure. One thing, though.”

“Oh?” Trixie stopped and turned somewhat more solemn for a moment. “And what is that?”

“Don't fuck with my act,” I said with deadly seriousness. “I'm not kidding around, just don't. If you interfere, you could get somepony killed.”

The orange pony shrank back at my tone, and even Trixie seemed to get the message. Then she put on another smile. “Very well, the Great and Powerful Trixie will not 'fuck' with your routine, whatever that means. Come along, Raiment.”

With that, the pair trotted along to the other side of the backstage, probably to get some last-minute practicing in. I swallowed some more tea and checked everything for the eighth time, almost hoping that there was something out of place so that I could justify the urge to keep looking for it.

Before I could start a ninth search, the magical intercom buzzed to life. “Good day, fillies and gentlecolts!” Spike's amplified voice rang out. “We are here to witness a standoff between two legendary figures. A magical contest of epic proportions that is sure to be told of for ages to come! First is the Gre—Oh Celestia, I can't read this! You can't seriously...wait, are we still going? Oh! It's, uh, Trixie!”

A puff of smoke and a few small fireworks announced the unicorn's arrival on the stage. “That's the Great and Powerful Trixie!” she shouted as the smoke cleared. “And she shall smite anypony who forgets her title!”

A few ponies at the rear of the crowd clopped their hooves politely, but most of the audience kept silent and gave Trixie a distrusting stare. I pulled my hood up while I waited for my turn.

“Well, uh, okay then,” Spike started again. “Also, we have the mysterious human from Earth performing as well. Please welcome Jesse to the stage! Just Jesse? Does he seriously not have any kind of title yet?...What do you mean it's still going?”

I didn't bother with a flashy appearance and simply walked out onto the stage. My footsteps echoed loudly on the wooden planks. I could feel everypony's eyes on me, and I suddenly had a pressing urge to scratch my groin. Of course the itching only starts when I can't do anything about it, I thought in annoyance.

My welcome was a bit more lively than Trixie's had been, but not by much. The ponies curiously eyed the hooded black cloak that I was wearing. Fluttershy had put it together for me, and even though it wasn't as comfortable or well-fitting as Rarity could have made it, it would serve its purpose just fine. The fact that it hid most of my face was just a bonus, albeit one that made me look like a total badass. (I'm not just saying that; Black cloak + bitchin' goatee = awesome. It's science.)

Spike's magically aided voice cleared its throat. “Now that they're both here, let the contest begin! The first round is card tricks, and as Trixie is—”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie!”

“...As the Great and Powerful Trixie is the challenger, she will perform first.”

Trixie closed her eyes and pulled her hat off. She reached into it and slowly drew out some cards that I recognized as part of a deck used in Phase. It was a pony game that used sixty cards at once, but only a dozen of them were unique. Each card had between one and twelve black dots on its face, and there were five identical cards for every number in each deck.

Trixie's deck only consisted of the twelve cards, which she telepathically shuffled. “Take a card, Raiment,” she said with authority as she splayed the cards outward.

After her orange assistant took his pick and showed it to the crowd, Trixie shuffled the cards again in a rapid flurry of mid-air motion. From where I was standing, I could see that one of the cards was hanging almost motionless in the air, while the others shielded it from the audience's view.

Eleven of the cards dropped to the stage, leaving the unmoving one still in the air. “Did you pick the two?” Trixie asked proudly and showed it to the gathered ponies.

There was a smattering of reluctant clopping from the crowd. Then their attention was returned to me.

I quickly stuck my hand inside my cloak, reached into a hidden pocket, and pulled out a 52-card deck. There were gasps from the audience, and Trixie's eyes went wide. I ignored her and turned to the gathered crowd while casually shuffling the cards.

“I'll need a volunteer,” I said loudly. “Somepony who has a strong stomach and will be willing to do something a bit odd...”

“Me! Me! Me!” Pinkie Pie pulled herself onto the stage. “Pick me! I'll do it!”

“Okay, you'll do,” I handed her the deck. “Pick a card, any card. Show everypony but me what it is and then stick it face-down on top of the rest.”

I turned around while Pinkie did so and reached into a second pocket. I would have to be really careful now.

“All done!” Pinkie announced proudly as she gave me back the deck.

“Thank you,” I muttered as I quickly slipped my fingers around. Nopony seemed to notice the slight of hand, and I began shuffling the cards again. “Now, Miss Great and Powerful Trixie, would you care to look through this deck and confirm that Pinkie's card is in there and that every single card is unique?”

Trixie roughly levitated the deck out of my hand and looked through the cards. Her eyebrows shot up into her hat as she realized that all fifty-two cards were different, and I could imagine her thinking how crazy I must be to use such a deck for this kind of trick.

After a minute, she swallowed and nodded. “Trixie has seen the pink one's card.”

“Go ahead and shuffle it again if you like,” I said. She did so for a few moments. Raiment cocked his head to the side in puzzlement.

I turned to the pink mare. “Pinkie, would you kindly eat the deck?”

“I will do it, yes I can, 'cause I know the candy man!” Pinkie cheerfully trotted over to Trixie's part of the stage and shoved the floating cards into her mouth.

The entire crowd, including Spike's voice and Trixie, all gasped as Pinkie chewed and swallowed. A lot of them had their mouths hanging open, and they were probably wondering why I'd just sabotaged my own trick. I let the confusion drag on for a few moments longer before I stepped over and grabbed Pinkie's fluffy mane.

I rummaged around in her hair for a second before pulling a card out of it and holding it up for all to see. “Did you pick the ten of hearts?”

The audience burst into gleeful cheering and clopping. Trixie shrank back, a worried expression on her face. Pinkie hummed to herself and stifled a belch as she made her way back into the crowd. At least the ink shouldn't be toxic, I told myself as I watched her go.

“Wow, I think it's safe to say that Jesse's won the first round! Now it's on to the light and illusion show. It's Trix—I mean, the Great and Powerful Trixie's turn again.”

Trixie shot me a dirty look and touched the big sapphire that held her cape together at her neckline. The sun dimmed until it could have been midnight. A few ponies looked around in panic, but most just held still and watched.

Out of the darkness came a light. Trixie's gem glowed blue and green, driving back the shadows. The audience gasped and the light glinted in their wide eyes.

Suddenly more colors poured out of the jewel and twisted through the artificial blackness in bright red and yellow tendrils that twirled and whipped around in a complicated pattern like a gymnast's ribbons. The ponies all “ohh”ed and “ahh”ed and somepony in the middle “Muffins!”ed.

After almost half a minute, the sun came back and the magical lights disappeared back into the sapphire. The audience again clopped in approval and Trixie gave me a smug grin.

“Your turn,” she scoffed almost too quietly for me to hear.

I reached back behind the stage curtain and pulled out a heavy elongated cone made of red paper and cardboard. Little black plywood fins jutted out from its base. I carefully set the thing down in the center of the stage and pulled a long fuse out of the bottom.

At this moment I need to stop and point something out: the ponies hadn't invented gunpowder. All of Trixie's fireworks and Pinkie's bomb used a special magic dust that violently burned and fizzled but didn't explode per se. It was a small but extremely important difference.

My firework was filled with black powder.

I'd tested the stuff the night before and had gotten the charcoal, saltpeter, and sulfur to a mixture that worked pretty good, but those had all been small trial runs. This would be the moment of truth. I flicked a small lighter (yes, the ponies had made those) and set the chord ablaze in a shower of orange sparks.

“Stand back!” I warned the crowd and retreated to the end of the stage. The fuse was already almost gone, and I silently wondered if my rocket would fly into the air and shoot out a trail of green sparks like it was supposed to. Or would it just blow up where it was? Maybe it'll explode twice, I joked to myself.

Actually, none of that happened. The fuse burned all the way, but it didn't set the damn thing off. As the seconds ticked by, the crowd restlessly waited for something, anything to take place. But the rocket just sat there on the stage.

I found out later that, in my rush to get the thing put together, I'd forgotten to actually attach the fuse to the initial thrusters. I had made a perfectly good rocket, but disastrously screwed up one little thing and made the whole thing useless. I'm glad that I don't work for NASA.

Well, that was embarrassing. Despite all that buildup, Trixie won the second round and I had to stick the dud back behind the curtain. (If you're wondering why I didn't just set the whole thing on fire, you obviously haven't spent enough time on YouTube watching and laughing at stupid people doing that very thing. I don't know about you, but I like having skin.)

“That's a bit anticlimactic,” Spike said flatly. “With the score tied, it's on to the final round: freestyle tricks! Show us what you've got, Trixie.”

“I am...oh, never mind,” Trixie sighed in exasperation and turned to the crowd one last time. “For her final trick, the Great and Powerful Trixie will perform an old favorite: pulling a rabbit out of her hat!”

As the crowd murmured and rolled their eyes, Trixie slipped her hat off and showed everypony that the inside was empty. With a quick reach inside she fished out the promised white rabbit by his long ears. He looked pretty annoyed at this and pulled himself free from Trixie's grip before hopping away through the crowd.

Crickets started chirping to fill the awkward silence.

“Also pretty anticlimactic,” Spike's voice muttered. “But there's one performance left. Let's hope that Jesse can end this thing with a bang.”

“One bang coming up,” I whispered to myself as I reached behind the curtain again and pulled out a small wheeled cart. The ponies all leaned forward and craned their necks to get a better look at what was on it as I carefully turned it sideways in such a way that nopony would get hurt.

“What I am about to do is extremely dangerous,” I announced heavily as I set up my finale. Trixie loved melodramatics, so I would give everypony a taste of my own. “This trick has been performed for centuries on Earth, and even to this day infatuates the population. That is because, if it is done improperly, even the most experienced magician can very easily kill himself.”

I paused and let that sink in for a moment before continuing. “I will be doing this trick improperly.”

Gasps came from the audience and several protective parents tried to turn their foals away. I had their attention now, and even Trixie looked worried for a moment before regaining her composure. A few skeptics coughed disbelievingly, but they would be whistling a different tune in a few moments.

I made a big show of pouring more of the black powder into a short metal tube that was bolted to a wooden handle and ramming it down with a long wooden rod. Yes, I had made a gun in Equestria. It was just one and it only existed for a single day, so keep your shirt on.

I dramatically held up a small iron ball that I had painstakingly filed down to the perfect size and shape that morning. “This is the key to the whole trick. It doesn't look like much, but once I pull on this string—” I held it up for them to see “—the ball will be moving too fast for your eyes to see. To give you some idea of how dangerous this little thing can become, I will now give a quick demonstration.”

I rammed a patch of felt and the bullet into the crude pistol and secured the gun in the vise that was on top of the cart. I also had a watermelon on the cart, and the gun's muzzle was pointed right at it. I hadn't bothered to rifle the pistol's barrel, but, since the range was only about a foot, there was no way it could miss.

After a quick second look over the whole thing, I stood back and pulled the string. The string pulled the trigger, the trigger dropped the hammer, the hammer hit the flashpan, and the impact in the flashpan ignited the powder.

BAM!

Everypony jumped and most of them screamed in terror as the cart jumped into the air with a flash of crimson fire and a cloud of black smoke that blasted from the pistol's barrel. Steaming bits of red and green were scattered everywhere as the bullet savagely tore through the melon. A few larger pieces flew a short distance into the audience and drenched the closest ponies in juice. It was a pretty messy scene.

I gave the ponies a minute to calm down, then addressed them again. “Now I want you to imagine that the melon was me. Because I'm going to be shooting that thing at myself now.” I had to hold up my hand to stop their noisy protesting. “I will attempt to catch the bullet before it can hit me. And to make sure that I don't just hide the bullet and pull another one out of my pocket, Trixie will now carve something of her choice into it before I put it in the gun.”

I fished a second iron ball and a small steel needle out of my cloak's pocket. I offered them to Trixie, who wordlessly made her horn glow and levitated them into the air. A few seconds later, the ball had a small copy of her cutie mark inscribed into it.

My hood hid my nefarious smile as I reloaded the gun and reset the vise. The ponies were all on edge and filled with borderline panic. Just how I wanted them. I knew that I was playing on their fear and enjoying myself just a little too much, but I would make it up to them later.

Fortunately, nothing had broken after the shot. Even the hammer's spring was still working fine, which was better than I had been expecting. I rammed the bullet in with extreme care and pulled the rod out again. Nopony noticed as I slid my hand over the end of the stick.

I took a deep breath and stepped back. Everything was ready. “Trixie, would you like to do the honors?” I offered her the string. The audience gasped again.

It was an extremely cruel thing to do. Maybe even the cruelest thing that I've ever done. But it would teach her a lesson—one that she definitely needed.

Trixie's face was blank as she took the string in her hoof and I backed away to put several long steps between myself and the gun on the cart. I slowly pulled my cloak's hood back and gave the audience a final panning view so that everypony got a clear look at my face.

Some of the ponies openly shook their heads at how stupid I was for doing this. Others still hadn't fully grasped what was going on. The vast majority appeared to be completely horrified at what I was doing, but they eagerly looked on anyway. There's something mesmerizing about watching the final seconds of a life, and they all took in every moment that could have been my last. After that demonstration, not one of them seemed to believe that I might actually live though this.

Twilight, Spike, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie were all gathered together under a small tent that was set up near my end of the stage. I'd reassured them over and over that they shouldn't worry about me, but their faces betrayed their distrust. They were all agitated and shifted their weight uncomfortably, except for Pinkie. She was too busy trying to pick a piece of playing card out of her teeth to follow what was happening. Priorities: she haz dem.

I could see several colts and fillies who had been in Cheerilee's classroom, and they all had tears welling up in their eyes. To the rest of the crowd, I was just some alien that they'd caught a few quick glimpses of, but the students had already accepted me as a friend. Perhaps not the bestest friend ever, but a friend nonetheless. Some of them held onto one another and a few others covered their faces so that they wouldn't see me get torn to shreds. The red unicorn filly who had pointed out Australia shook from head to hoof and broke down into noisy sobs.

My gaze ground to a halt as I found Sweetie Belle. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo were both hugging her tight, but her frightened, tearful eyes were fixed right on me. Don't do this, the little white unicorn wordlessly pleaded. Don't kill yourself. Rarity wouldn't want you to do this.

My heart leapt into my throat and I almost stopped the trick right there. Almost. But I gritted my teeth and forced my gaze to focus on Trixie. This was about me and her, and I wasn't about to let her off that easily. She'd called down the thunder, now she had to reap the whirlwind. Her face was a mask of neutrality, but she couldn't stop the hoof that held the string from shaking.

I swallowed and nodded. “I'm ready. Go ahead and pull it.” I bent my knees and held my hands away from my body.

Trixie steeled herself and tightened her grip on the string. She shut her eyes and gave a quick yank...

BAM!

The ponies shrieked again as another black cloud thunderously appeared. I threw myself backwards and grabbed at my mouth. The blast of hot air helped propel me little further. I landed roughly on my back and tried to keep myself lying motionless on the stage.

“Celestia have mercy!” somepony screamed.

“She killed him! That bitch killed him!” Spike's enhanced voice shouted.

“No! Somepony help him!”

“Where's that nurse when you need her?”

“Don't look, Elmsprout!”

“Muffins!”

“Get the witch! It's her fault!”

Trixie was suddenly in my face and shook me frantically. “Get up, get up!” she shouted hysterically as tears streamed down her cheeks. “I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to kill you! I didn't want it to end like this! Please get up! GET UP!”

“Gerroff me!” I muttered and pulled myself onto my side. I reached into my mouth and pulled the bullet out of my teeth. It tasted pretty nasty from the powder residue. “For God's sake, lighten up. You almost made me swallow this thing.” I turned the ball so that she could plainly see the marking that she'd carved into it.

At the sight of me alive and intact, the crowd went wild. Cheering and stamping and excessive clopping filled the air. Shouts of joy and surprise drowned out every other sound.

“He's alright!” Spike shouted over the noise. “Thank Celestia, the human is still alive! Jesse wins the challenge!”

Trixie took a few steps away from me and slumped to the stage, her wet face blank. Her eyelids spasmed a few times before she closed them tight and furiously wiped her tears away.

Before I could say or do something, Trixie shoved herself to her hooves again. Her eyes snapped open and fixed on me. I've heard the phrase 'glaring daggers' often enough, but that was the first time that I ever felt like someone was literally trying to stab me with a look.

Just as I thought that she might try to impale me with her horn,Trixie stomped a hoof on the stage and disappeared in another puff of magical gray smoke.

A fit of coughing came from the dark cloud. The fumes quickly dissipated, leaving Rarity behind. Her hair was a mess and her coat needed to be washed, but it was her.

“Oh my goodness,” she spluttered and blearily looked around. “What happened? Where am I?”

* * * * *

After the end of the contest, Pinkie Pie had declared that a party was in order. Sure, she thought that every breath she took deserved its own party, but everypony agreed that this time definitely called for it.

I honestly don't remember much about how the celebration went, and most of it wasn't really important. The most significant part was early on when Rarity met with Sweetie Belle and the sisters shared a loving embrace. It was a beautiful moment (just because I'm a guy doesn't mean I can't appreciate a few seconds of sentimentality, so piss off), but I was pulled away from it by a group of ponies asking me to do some more magic tricks. I had to turn them down repeatedly throughout the afternoon.

There was fun and games and I finally got to meet with the general public of Ponyville instead of hanging out with just Spike and the six main ponies and being stared at continually by the others. They all thought that I had just put my life on the line to save Rarity's, and as far as they were concerned that made me a bona fide member of the herd. Even after I assured them that she and I had been perfectly safe the entire time, they thought that I was just saying that and still treated me like a hero. They couldn't have been more awestruck if I'd won an arm-wrestling match with Death himself to get Rarity's soul back and then kicked him in the balls afterward.

The conversations that I had brought a little new insight to my view of the town's inhabitants. I learned that Carrot Top has a phobia of snakes, Big Macintosh's favorite color is blue, Bon Bon had gotten a crush on Raiment during his brief appearance onstage, and the Mayor had never learned how to cook for herself. There were lots of other interesting bits of knowledge, but none of them were really substantial and, like I said, I forgot what most of them were.

One thing that I do clearly remember was setting up a Blackjack table with my remaining deck of cards. The ponies took an instant liking to this game, and I soon had eight rotating groups who all took turns playing while I dealt.

Instead of wagering their bits, the winner of each hand earned the right to dare the loser to do something. Oddly, this usually became a command to kiss another pony. A fair number of the kisses were homosexual in nature, but not all of them ended in disgusted sputtering. A few even dragged on for longer than necessary.

Go figure, I thought as Lyra won with a count of nineteen and made Raiment lock lips with Bon Bon. At least they all had the good sense to leave me out of it.

* * * * *

The sun was sinking as the party broke up. Everypony was worn out, and I had to push my gun cart with one arm and carry a snoring Spike back to Twilight's library tree with the other.

As soon as the door shut behind the three of us, the lights all came on. An unfamiliar armchair was positioned in the middle of the library's main room with its back to the door. A very familiar pointy hat poked over the top.

Twilight and a newly-awoken Spike stared at the chair, but something in the back of my mind told me to ignore it. I reached off to the side and groped around until I felt something in the air and held onto it.

Trixie suddenly appeared out of nowhere as her invisibility spell faded. My hand was caught in her pale mane.

“Release me!” she commanded and pulled herself out of my grip. “How did you know I was there?”

“Stage magic's all about surprise and deception,” I said with a shrug. “Also, you breathe too loud.”

Twilight glanced between Trixie and the hat that was stuck on top of a pile of books in the chair. “I'm confused,” she muttered. “This isn't my kind of magic.”

Trixie waved her and Spike off. “Be gone with you two. I wish to speak with the human alone.”

“He has a name,” Twilight snapped. After a quick exchange of glares with Trixie, she and Spike went up the stairs to the bedroom.

After they were out of sight, Trixie pulled angrily at her cape and let it fall to the floor. She then shoved the books out of the chair and threw herself down in it. I stayed standing in front of her. She glared at me for a full minute before speaking.

“I can't believe you made me do that,” she finally spat. “I'll admit that you had plenty of reason to be angry with me, but that last trick was far out of line.”

I shrugged. “Maybe. Probably. Definitely,” I corrected myself. “Look, I know what that would have done to your career, but—”

“I'm not talking about my career!” Trixie snarled and leaned forward. “You made me believe that I'd just turned into a murderess! I don't know how things work...wherever it is that you come from, but in Equestria, That's. Not. Funny.” She punctuated those last words by knocking her hoof against the side of the chair.

I let her keep glaring for a few seconds. “You're right,” I relented with a sigh and looked down at my hands. “That wasn't funny, and it wasn't fair. Not to you and not to the audience. I really made everypony freak out. I guess I got a little carried away and forgot that this isn't Earth. You ponies definitely aren't ready for stunts like that.”

I sighed again and rubbed my eyes. “Look, I know I was acting like a dick and made this whole thing into a massive pissing contest. I'm sorry.”

It was more apologizing than I should have given and she still had plenty to amend for, but at that moment I was wracked with significantly more guilt than the situation should have warranted. I blame the lack of sleep.

Trixie leaned back again and scratched at her jaw. I noticed that she looked really small and fragile without her outfit. Again there was silence.

“Were you ever in any danger?” she asked a few moments later.

I shook my head. “I was completely safe the whole time. You couldn't've killed me even if you'd meant to.”

Trixie kicked her hooves a few times. “How did you do it, anyway?”

“A magician never reveals his secrets,” I said with a small smile.

“But that's just it. You're not a magician, or any kind of magic-user for that matter.” Her horn glowed as she magically picked up her hat and spun it around. “And now all of Equestria will know that the Great and Powerful Trixie has been defeated by a wizard who can't even use magic. I said earlier that this wasn't about my career, but I suppose that's not completely true. Who will want to come to my shows now? Thanks to you, I might never get a chance to perform again.” She dropped the hat back to the floor with a sad sniff and a sigh of defeat.

I could have pointed out that this was her own fault. I could have told her that she'd challenged me. I could have mentioned that I'd blatantly told her that I couldn't do magic. I could have reminded her out that she'd captured Rarity to force me into competing. I could have this. I could have that. I could have, I could have, I could have. Maybe I even should have.

But I didn't. Instead, I got a new idea.

“Perhaps you won't,” I said softly. “Or perhaps you'll get more shows than ever.”

“And what makes you think that?” she asked hopelessly.

“Because ponies will line up and literally throw their money at you if you happen to mention that you've learned how to do Earth magic.”

She snorted. “What happened to 'a magician never reveals his secrets'?”

“The same thing that happened to 'you're not a magician or any kind of magic-user.' With that in mind, I can tell you anything I want. Do you want to learn or not?”

Trixie suddenly sat up, her foul mood forgotten. “Yes, please,” she said desperately. “I will do whatever it takes to learn how to perform your tricks. Anything at all.”

“Alright,” I rummaged through my cloak and pulled out the deck of cards from one of the hidden pockets. “That's lesson number one: be more than meets the eye. Be subtle and bring more stuff on stage than the audience will ever see. They shouldn't even know that any of it exists unless you want them to.”

Trixie frowned. “But didn't that pink friend of yours swallow your cards?”

“That's lesson number two: mislead the crowd. Direct their attention away from the real trick, then surprise 'em. This deck has fifty-two cards in it, but I went onstage with a hundred and four.”

It took Trixie a moment to understand. “Two decks? And you swapped them?”

I nodded encouragingly. “You're learning already. I switched the cards after Pinkie gave me her deck, and I had her show you the other one. Since both decks are the same, you saw a card that looked just like the one that she'd picked. And because I knew that she'd set her real card on top of the deck that she handed me, I just palmed that card and pulled it out of her hair after I had her eat the other deck.”

Trixie's mouth hung open as she digested this. “It's so simple!” she gasped. “Why didn't I ever think of it? How did you do your other trick? The one that worked, I mean.”

I fixed her with a very serious glare. “I don't want you to ever use it. I wasn't kidding when I said that a lot of people have died trying to pull it off, usually because they screwed up during the preparation. Too many things can go wrong, and the results aren't pretty when they do. And even if it all goes perfectly, some of your fans might decide to try it themselves and forget that it's really just an act. You don't want that on your conscience.”

“But can't you at least tell me how?” she persisted. “I'll never get it out of my mind unless you do, you know.”

I stoked my goatee (that probably made me look like a supervillain for a minute), then nodded. “I'll tell you how to do the trick, but I won't tell you how I made that special powder that I used. Without it, you can't pull it off. That magic dust that you ponies use won't work.” That last bit probably wasn't true, but it would at least make Trixie think twice before trying.

She waved her hoof through the air. “No matter. I just care about the rest of the stunt.”

“The first thing you need to know is that the gun was deadly, and two things made it that way: the powder and the bullet. I couldn't get rid of the powder without ruining the trick, so I had to get rid of the bullet.”

I walked back to where I'd left the cart by the door and grabbed the pistol, ramrod, and bullet that I had 'caught.' I handed them all to Trixie.

“Try to figure it out.” I said positively. “Remember what I said about the card trick.”

Trixie stared at the pieces and picked them up one by one. She set down the bullet and rod after barely a glance at each. She examined the pistol itself the longest and confirmed that there was nowhere for the bullet to go except out through the barrel. She scratched her head and wracked her brain for a few minutes.

“More than meets the eye...” she muttered to herself. “Mislead the audience...”

I could see the answer pop into her eyes. She picked up the ramrod and held the end to the bullet. The ball stuck to it.

“How did you do this?” Trixie asked as she pulled the bullet off of the stick and examined the end more closely. “Why is there a rock in here?”

“That's a lodestone,” I explained. “They act as natural magnets, and the bullet's made of iron. They're not the most common rocks in the world, but there's nothing magic about them.”

“So it stuck to the stick when you shoved it into the barrel,” Trixie continued the explanation herself. “Then you took the ball with you. Since that was gone, you didn't need to worry about getting killed when I pulled the string. You just hid it until that happened, then pretended to catch it.”

“Exactly,” I said with a grin.

Trixie sat back again pensively and crossed her hooves. “Well. It seems so...so...”

“It's a lot less impressive now that you know how it's done,” I finished for her. “Unfortunately, that's how it is with all the greatest tricks.”

“Do you know any more?” Trixie's eyes blazed with a hunger to learn.

I nodded. “A few. And none of them require any actual magic.”

* * * * *

I had plenty of extra lessons for her. I casually mentioned that she could integrate mirrors into her light shows, plant fake audience members, rig special equipment, and perform some tricks in multiple ways. She learned scores of little tips to enhance some stunts and subtly change others for different effects. Mixing unicorn magic with human “magic” yielded a new experience that she was eager to market to Equestria.

By the time that Trixie departed, she also had a dozen brand-new tricks to add to her routine, from simple card tricks to escaping from handcuffs (hoofcuffs?) to the infamous “saw somepony in half” stunt. She promised to keep the violence on that one to a minimum.

Before she took her leave, Trixie looked at me for the last time. “You know, you're...complicated,” she muttered. “You're full of surprises. I'm not entirely sure if I like you or not, but I'm glad that we met. Thank you, Jesse. Thank you for the lessons and the experience. I won't forget any of it.”

And with that, she disappeared in a final cloud of smoke.

As the library's door slammed closed behind her—she had a really bad habit of letting that happen during her departures—I realized just how tired all that talking had made me. Hell, I'd been up the entire previous night and managed to pull off the greatest magic show in Equestria's history and attended a long party before all this. No wonder I was exhausted. I climbed up the stairs and made a beeline for my bed.

Twilight was pretending to be asleep. I could tell by the way that her breathing was too regular, as well as from the uncompleted letter and inkwell that were laid out on her bedside table. I briefly wondered how long she'd eavesdropped on the conversation and what she'd learned from it, but then decided that I didn't really care.

Before I drifted off to sleep, questions popped into my head. Would Trixie's career really survive after her defeat? Would she blame me if it didn't? Would Rarity approve of me helping the pony who'd captured her? What had she even been doing for the past day? How was this whole thing going to affect Equestria?

After a minute or two, I had much more pressing questions on my mind. Like why I suddenly had to give a high school lecture on the differences between Plato and a rotting ham sandwich that I'd found in a dumpster. And why my students were all narwhals. And why my pants were made of almonds.

Pt. 6 (A New Threat)

“Ah, how good it feels...the hoof of an old friend.” — Mary Englebright

After the magic show, a few days passed without any major events. I divided my time between telling Twilight more about Earth (she had compiled every bit of information that I provided into a fairly dense book and kept revising it as needed), helping out various ponies with their everyday activities, and inventing new things. I guess that it's not really inventing if the things already existed on another planet or in another universe or whatever the case was, but it was all new to the Equestrians, so close enough. There weren't any patent laws around to stop me.

The biggest new innovation was the steam engine. It was the crudest thing imaginable, half because the various pieces weren't quite the right size and half because I had never made a freaking steam engine before, but it worked about fifty percent of the time and hadn't killed anypony yet. I let the ponies worry about improving the design and actually using it. I dropped a few hints about how the engine could be used to power boats, carriages, and trains, but decided to let them figure most of it out on their own.

Now, let me remind you of what I wrote in the very first part of my story; that some kind of evil foe arose to threaten Equestria and they needed someone to stop it. Remember that? And how we established beyond any kind of doubt that I am the sexiest, studliest, most awesome guy alive? Good, because I'm gonna tell you all about that now. The evil thing, I mean.

Let's pick up on the final day of summer, just after the sun began to make its descent towards the western horizon. It was the last day before Princess Luna's Autumn Festival, and I'd spent the entire morning with Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Twilight putting together a new machine. It wasn't a very useful thing, but I'd always wanted to make one.

I wiped a few beads of sweat off my forehead and poured the last of the sandbags into the wooden box. After I packed the sand down, I gave a thumbs up to Applejack. The orange pony heaved against the ropes that tied her to the mechanism, digging her muscular legs into the ground to move against the massive weight. After a moment, the thick wooden beam tilted and the box was lifted into the air.

I slipped a long metal pin into a hole and held up a hand to tell Applejack to stop pulling. I untied the rope that held her back and replaced it with a shorter length that had a wooden handle attached to it. It just so happened to be the same handle that I'd used to wakeboard during our day at the lake.

“This can't be safe,” Twilight said critically, always the skeptic.

“I never said it was,” I replied as I took a swig of tea that tasted like...I'm really not sure what it was supposed to taste like. I'm pretty certain that they hadn't purposefully made a Sweaty Monkey Ballsack flavor, but that's what came to mind. It wasn't the best taste that I'd come across. (Before you ask how I knew what sweaty monkey ballsacks taste like, you should try out their special Shut the Fuck Up-flavored tea. I hear it's really refreshing.)

“Alright, let's try this out already,” Rainbow Dash impatiently rubbed her hooves together and picked up the handle.

I took a second to make sure that everything was where it was supposed to be and nopony was in a position to get hurt if something went wrong. Things like my latest creation had a tendency to have something go wrong.

“Ready?”

Rainbow nodded and grinned impishly. “Let 'er rip!”

I grabbed the iron rod and yanked it out of the hole. Immediately the lever tilted, sending the sand-filled weight box towards the ground as the end with the handle (and Rainbow Dash) was sent rocketing upward.

The entire mechanism jumped slightly as Rainbow let go and let the momentum take her even higher into the sky. Soon she was doing her usual flying routine, albeit a little faster than normal.

Neither of the other ponies spoke until Rainbow landed again with an unimpressed shrug. “Meh. It helped, but not a whole lot. Do we need more weight?”

I squinted at the trebuchet and scratched my beard while I thought. “Maybe. Or we could make the firing arm shorter and move the sandbox further from the axis. We could even—”

“Hey, what's that?” Rainbow pointed over my shoulder.

I whipped around, but didn't see anything out of the ordinary. Well, there was one cloud in the distance that looked like a giant penis, but even Equestria got one of those every so often. So no, nothing too unusual.

“I don't see it,” I said and took another swallow of Sweaty Monkey Ballsack tea (it may have tasted horrible, but it was still as addicting as the other flavors).

There was a groan of wood and a quick metallic ping behind me, and I started to turn back around. Before I could move my head, however, something grabbed me around the neck and pulled me to the ground.

I dropped the bottle of tea and started to fight back against my attacker, but it was just Rainbow Dash holding me down. She flapped her wings and started to drag me backwards.

“What are you doing?” I asked, slightly annoyed and pretty confused. Applejack snorted somewhere off to my left.

Rainbow just grinned, shook her head, and slapped something into my hand. It was the wooden handle to the trebuchet.

I suddenly realized that the whole mechanism had been reset while I'd been looking the other way.

“Oh fuck no,” I tried to let go, but my hand had a purple glow around it and my fingers didn't respond. Yes, Twilight's horn was glowing too. And she was smiling devilishly while Applejack nudged her shoulder.

“Et tu, Brute?” I asked and gave her my saddest, most tragic look. No, she didn't get it. She didn't have time to, because at that moment Applejack bit down on the metal pin and pulled it out of its hole.

I summarized my entire thought process on the situation into a single word as I was launched into the air: “FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU—” If I'd actually had a second or two to think about it, I might have used “Team Rocket blasting off again!” instead, but you only have so much time to come up with that sort of thing.

Anyway, the trebuchet worked perfectly and shot me screeching about three hundred feet in the air. I'm pretty sure that it was physically impossible to reach that height with the weight that we had, but you can't argue with results. Magic probably had something to do with it. Or maybe my engineering skills were just that good.

As you can probably imagine, I was a little upset that my friends had tricked me. But I was even more upset by the fact that I was suddenly three hundred feet above the ground and at the mercy of gravity. That was a bit of a problem.

There's two reasons why people will sometimes choose to jump off of stuff to commit suicide instead of, say, poisoning themselves. First: the resulting adrenaline rush gives them a quick high before they crash into the ground. Second: once you start falling, there's no way to back out. There is nobody to turn to for help and nothing that you can do to stop yourself.

And, since I couldn't stop myself, I started to fall. I happen to be very afraid of falling, so I started screaming bloody murder. It was something along the lines of “HOLY FUCK JESUS BALLS SHIT MOTHER CHRIST BALLS FUCK SHIT BITCH BALLS” and so on. In case you somehow haven't noticed, I tend to swear a lot.

My foul-mouthed tirade was cut off by a certain blue pegasus who flew out of nowhere and caught me by the legs about fifty feet from the ground. She was laughing her ass off.

“You shoulda seen the look on your face!” she chortled as she set me down next to that damn trebuchet. Applejack was rolling around on her back and held her stomach as she guffawed. Twilight was trying (and failing) to keep her giggles back.

“Not funny,” I muttered as I hit the ground. “Not even a little bit.” My limbs were all shaking and my face was burning, but I had somehow managed to not piss myself.

“Oh come on,” Rainbow slapped her knee and wiped a tear of mirth away. “That was hilarious and you know it!”

“I know where you live,” I growled. That was an empty threat and we both knew it, since I couldn't do anything to her home without the help of another pegasus. That's one perk about living in a cloud-house.

Applejack finished her laugh with a loud pig-like snort and rolled to her hooves. “Aw shucks, we got ya good! Ain't never seen a human fly b'fore!”

“I'll bet you ain't never seen a human—”

“Twilight!” Spike called from a ways off. He was running toward us as fast as his stubby dragon legs would carry him. He was breathing hard and clutched a scrap of paper in his hand.

“What is it?” Twilight asked, her expression sobering up. We all stopped with the laughing and sulking and refocused our attention. I kept planning my revenge, but this looked more urgent.

Spike held out the paper and leaned up against the nearest apple tree to catch his breath. “Letter...Princess Celestia...important...” he said between gasps.

Twilight levitated the note and began to read. “'My dearest, most faithful student Twilight Sparkle, it is with with great distress that I am writing to you. I have received news that a great calamity has arisen in the form of a shadow dragon, which has attacked Bitsburg and even now threatens Fillydelphia.' Oh, this is serious.”

“Shadow dragon?” Applejack cut in. “Ain't never heard o' that b'fore.”

Twilight's eyes blurred as she read through the rest of the letter. “The Princess is in Stalliongrad right now, so she it'll take her at least a day to return. She wants us to do something to stop the dragon before then.”

“Sounds like we'd better get the others,” Rainbow said. “Then we'll head out and kick that thing's ass so hard it chokes on its own tail!” A bloodthirsty spark glinted in her eyes.

“I thought you're supposed to use diplomacy to deal with this kind of thing,” I pointed out, thinking about the episode of the show where they had persuaded a red dragon to take a nap somewhere else. We were dealing with just another one, right?

Twilight dropped the letter into her saddlebag and shook her head. “That's not an option this time. I've read about shadow dragons once or twice, and they never listen to anypony. They also never stop destroying things until either they're killed or there's nothing left to break.

“Anyway, we should get the other three caught up and head out soon. Rainbow Dash, you go get Fluttershy. Applejack, find Pinkie Pie. I think she said she was going to make deliveries to Melilot and Lucky, so you might want to check with them if she's not at Sugar Cube Corner. Jesse and I will go to Rarity's. Meet us at the library as soon as possible.”

With that, the other two sped off in opposite directions. Twilight set the still-puffing Spike on her back before galloping back towards the village. We left the trebuchet where it was on the outskirts of Sweet Apple Acres—we had all learned a lesson about practicing new stunts where Rainbow could crash into a building.

Twilight was running slower than usual so that I could keep up. “Any clue how we're gonna stop that thing?” I asked as we hurried toward Ponyville.

She shook her head. “Not really. I was actually hoping that you might have a few ideas, with Earth having so many wars and all.”

I wracked my brain. “Well, I have read a bit about dragon slaying. It's all fairy tales and legends back home, but maybe some of it will apply here.”

“That's better than nothing,” Twilight muttered as we entered the town.

A few things had changed in Ponyville since my arrival. For one thing, the ponies had stopped spying on me and instead offered friendly waves as we ran past. A few even called out salutations before turning back to their own business. It felt good to be accepted as a fellow resident of the little village instead of being seen as a mysterious stranger. It made me feel like I was back in my California hometown, to be perfectly honest.

Another new development had been a sudden demand for playing cards, which had caused a couple of new businesses to spring up practically overnight. Everywhere you looked, there were groups of ponies playing Blackjack, Go Fish, War, and some odd variation of poker that they had come up with on their own. They also had a few games of dice, checkers, and chess, all of which had been introduced by me over the previous days. It was satisfying to see that I'd brought something so worthwhile and harmless to Equestria.

At least until they figure out how to cheat or set up casinos, I thought wryly. But what were the odds of that happening?

By this point we reached the Carousel Boutique and hurried inside. The place was a mess, with scraps of cloth and ribbons strewn around with no rhyme or reason. Stray spools of thread and needles were scattered dangerously all over the floor.

Rarity had her back to us and was working on her Festival dress again, making a few final adjustments. She was also singing softly to herself as she placed a sapphire at the neck. “Piece by piece, snip by snip. Croup dock haunch, shoulders hip.”

“Rarity, we have a situation,” Twilight said loudly.

Rarity turned around and pulled off her red glasses. “What's going on? Is everypony alright? Did Sweetie Belle get stuck in Matte's printing press again?”

“Huh? No, everypony's fine. We'll explain at the library.”

Without another word, Rarity magically moved the mannequin off to the side and cleared a path through the debris on the floor. She paused only to grab a shady hat before following us to the hollow tree.

* * * * *

Once all of the ponies had gathered at the library, Twilight again explained the situation and everything that the letter told us. Nopony spoke up until she was done.

“So, the Princess wants us to either drive off or kill this 'shadow dragon'?” Rarity asked once we were all on the same page. “How are we supposed to do that?”

“Good question,” said Twilight. “Since Jesse knows more about fighting than we do, I think it'd be best if he's in charge when it comes to that.”

This caught me off guard. “Me? You really think so? Like I said, I don't have any experience and I'm not an expert on this kind of thing.”

“Yer not an expert in anythin' ya've been doin' an' makin' here, but it all works fine,” Applejack pointed out. “That fancy liftin' contraption o' yers has made work a mite easier at the farm. An' the other thing you put together this mornin' worked jus' fine.”

“I'm certain that you will be more than capable of leading us to victory,” Rarity chimed in. “You managed to defeat the Diamond Dogs easily enough.”

“Yeah,” Pinkie added with her perpetual smile. “I bet you'll do great! What are we doing, anyway?”

Rainbow Dash facehoofed. “Shadow dragon. Fillydelphia. Kill it. Jesse's in charge.”

“Oh, right,” Pinkie didn't seem put off at all and kept grinning.

Fluttershy didn't have anything to say other than a nervous squeak.

Twilight cleared her throat impatiently. “Okay, then. If that's settled, let's move on and find out more about what we're going up against. Did you find that book, Spike?”

“Yeah, but there's a bunch of pages missing,” the tiny purple dragon said. He was holding a thick red tome with the words “Beasts of Darkness” scrawled on the cover in glossy black letters.

Twilight levitated the book out of Spike's grip and flipped through the pages. “Sagaries, sandwalkers...seps...shades...Aha! Here it is:

“'Shadow dragons are rare, violent creatures made almost entirely of darkness. They shun most forms of light, though they do not fear it. Any sign of life will draw their wrath and they will attack on sight. Despite being intelligent and able to learn, these beasts refuse to negotiate and will fight to the death. They are able to use powerful destructive magic, but prefer to kill and destroy with their own teeth and claws when possible.'”

“Not polite fellas, huh?” Applejack interrupted with a humorless laugh. The room felt a little colder.

Twilight continued reading. “'Unlike most creatures, a shadow dragon only exists as an extension of an enchanted object. They usually have a prominently glowing gem that...' It cuts off right there. The next few pages are gone and it goes straight to strixes.”

“I thought that you would have all of your books properly maintained,” Rarity objected.

“It's a rare book,” Twilight explained “There are only a few copies around, and we never got around to borrowing another one so that we could get ours repaired.”

“Well, at least we learned a few things,” I said and scratched my goatee. “Don't bother talking to it, watch out for its magic, destroy the glowing gem. Sounds simple enough.”

“Umm, I-I don't know if I should go,” Fluttershy quietly spoke for the first time. She was visibly shaking. “You don't r-really n-need me, do you?”

“Of course we do, silly!” Pinkie said louder than necessary and hugged the yellow pegasus. “Remember when you told that meanie dragon on the mountain to take a hike? Remember how you didn't think you could help that time?”

“Oh. Okay,” she shook even more than before.

“Don't worry yourself, Fluttershy,” Rarity put her hoof on my arm. “With Jesse at the lead, we'll soon be rid of that horrible creature. Isn't that right?” She batted her eyelashes at me.

“Uh, sure,” I said uncomfortably. Christ, she's trying to make a move on me. Not good.

Spike suspiciously narrowed his eyes at the two of us, then his entire body spasmed with a sudden “urk!”, followed by a belch of green fire that formed into a letter. Unlike the usual notes, the seal on this one was silver and had a “L” stamped into it.

“A letter from Princess Luna?” Twilight thought out loud for all of us.

Spike opened the letter and cleared his throat. “'To the ponies of the Elements of Harmony and our visitor from Earth,'”—his voice became cold and unfriendly for those words—“'As my sister has no doubt informed you, there has been an attack by a shadow dragon and another will soon occur. I volunteered to take care of the creature myself, but Celestia has forbidden me from doing so.' That's a little weird, but okay. 'Instead, I will provide whatever indirect aid I can. I have already dispatched a chariot from Canterlot that will bring the Elements of Harmony to you and then take you north to Fillydelphia. Also, as Jesse does not have an Element, our finest smiths have created a pair of tools that he should find most useful in this battle. Signed, Princess Luna.'”

“Well, that's mighty neighborly o' her,” Applejack said when Spike had finished reading. “Sounds like we don' have much time, though.”

Pinkie Pie clopped her hooves together. “Oh, a chariot ride! It's so exciting! I'd better go pack some snacks for the trip!” She was gone in a flash of pink before anyone could even figure out what she'd said.

“Why don't we wait outside for the chariot to show up?” Twilight suggested as she floated Beasts of Darkness onto a shelf. The other ponies agreed and we stepped out the door into the sunshine.

“Hold up, ah'm a-comin'!” a high-pitched voice called after us.

“Apple Bloom? What in tarnation are ya doin' here?” Applejack demanded of her sister, who trotted out of the library. The filly had a colander on her head and baking sheets draped over her back to make the worst set of armor I've ever seen.

Scootaloo poked her pot-covered head out the door. “We heard about the dragon, and we're gonna help you take it down.” She hit one hoof into the other menacingly.

Sweetie Belle dropped out of the second-story window and crashed to the ground. “Ow! Dumb gravity! We're going to be Cutie Mark Crusader Dragon Slayers,” she said with a pained smile. The little wooden lance that she was holding had snapped in half from the fall.

“You most certainly are not!” Rarity said firmly. “Now clean yourself up and go home. This is far too dangerous for any of you fillies.”

“But sis—”

“No buts, and that's final.”

“Spike,” Twilight said, “You should stay here and keep an eye on these three. Look after them until we get back and don't let them follow us.”

“Awww,” the Cutie Mark Crusaders whined in unison. Spike looked both relieved and sullen at the same time.

“Hey, they're finally here,” Rainbow Dash pointed at the sky where a team of golden-armored pegasus stallions of the Celestial Guard were pulling a large golden chariot. A few moments later they carefully landed in front of the library. A few ponies were looking in our direction, but they kept their distance.

The lead horse detached himself from the harness and walked up to our group. His coat was dark brown and he had a curly mustache growing from his lip. Whereas the other armored horses had blue manes and tails, his were bright crimson. His eyes scanned us for a moment before he spoke.

“Miss Sparkle and company, I presume,” he said gruffly. “I'm Lieutenant Thunder. I trust that you've received Princess Luna's note and understand where we are taking you.”

Twilight nodded. “We'll be ready to leave just as soon a—”

“I'm baaaack!” Pinkie sang as she came into view. Her saddlebags were bulging with sweets and there were crumbs all around her mouth. Apparently she was incapable of waiting to even get inside the chariot before digging into the snacks.

“Well, we're ready then.”

The stallion nodded but exchanged an odd look with the other pegasi. “Very good. If I may ask, which of you is in charge of this venture?”

“That's me, I guess,” I stepped forward.

The stallions looked me over from the oxfords to the beard. They didn't seem overly impressed with what they saw, but were smart enough to keep their thoughts to themselves.

The pegasus leader coughed quietly. “Alright. How much military experience do you have?”

I blinked and my mouth suddenly felt dry. “None, actually.”

The stallions looked at each other again. Are you fucking kidding me? they didn't have to say aloud.

“But that doesn't mean that he is not knowledgeable about such things,” Rarity rushed to my defense. “He's been more than capable of handling stressful situations, and this will be no exception. I have no doubt at all that he will have that monster's head hanging in Princess Celestia's dining hall by tomorrow!”

“Thanks, Rarity.” A small amount of my confidence came back. Not a lot, but it was a start.

Thunder shrugged under his armor. “If you say so. Before we head off, Princess Luna wanted us to give you these.” He opened the back of the chariot and pulled out a wide wooden crate. He stepped back and gestured with his head that I should open it.

I pulled off the box's lid and was nearly blinded by the reflected sunlight. It was a small silver kite shield. The polished metal had a black crescent moon and a few bronze stars emblazoned on the front. I lifted it out of the crate—it was much lighter than it looked.

Under the shield was a long sword that was also silver and sheathed in a smooth black scabbard. The pommel was adorned with a polished metal star whose facets caught the light and reflected it in every direction like a disco ball.

“Oooh, shiny,” Pinkie muttered.

“Princess Luna commissioned these for you and enchanted them herself,” Thunder said as I examined the weapon. “She wanted me to tell you that the shield will reflect most magical attacks, but you should be careful that you don't make them hit any of these mares instead. She also said that you should trust in it, whatever that means. The sword will allow you to strike the killing blow if it comes in contact with the shadow dragon's weak spot.” He leaned forward and narrowed his eyes at me. “You do know how to find it, right?”

“Yes, we found a book that explained everything,” Twilight answered for me.

Hit the glowing spot for critical damage, I thought to myself. Any gamer knows that.

“Good. The Princess mentioned that after the beast is slain the sword's magic will fade and it will become just a normal weapon. I'm not sure if that's going to be important or not, but you might want to know.”

I pulled the sword a few inches out of its scabbard. The glinting blade pulsed with a pale blue light of its own that was both soothing and slightly frightening to look at.

“That's awesome,” Rainbow Dash said from where she was hovering above my head.

“It's nice,” Fluttershy agreed. She seemed a little more sure of herself than before.

“Perhaps we should get moving, sir,” a white pegasus stallion suggested from where he was still harnessed to the chariot.

“Yes,” Thunder agreed. “We'll give the rest of you the Elements of Harmony when we arrive in Fillydelphia. All aboard, ponies and, uh....” He cocked his head to the side as he looked at me again. “If you're going to lead this op, you need a rank. You look like a captain to me, so let's go with that.”

“Captain Jesse,” Rarity repeated softly as she stepped carefully into the chariot. “I like the sound of that.”

“Me too,” I admitted as I strapped the scabbard to my belt and hung the shield on my back with a strap that was included in the box for just that purpose. Ding! Achievement Unlocked: Get Promoted.

“Get comfortable, everypony,” the stallion leader said through his mustache as we began settle down onto the cushioned seats. “It'll be about two hours before we land.”

“A whole two hours?” Rainbow asked in annoyance as she flopped herself down one of the padded benches. “I could be there and back again in half that time!”

Twilight's eyes suddenly went wide as she got an idea. “Hey, Captain,” she giggled at my new title. “Remember what you said about how humans entertain themselves on long trips?”

“You mean the radio? Did somepony invent a portable one while I wasn't looking?” The only radio set that I'd seen in Ponyville was a big clunky machine in the Town Hall basement that worked with primitive vacuum tubes, diodes, and a few special enchantments. It was used primarily for receiving instructions for the weather patrol and emergency communications. The ponies had never thought to use it for music or talk shows because of how difficult it was to use, how few of the machines existed, and how expense they were to make.

Twilight shook her head. “No, but I came across a new spell the other day that will allow somepony—or somehuman, probably—to broadcast their thoughts out loud. The book's author mentioned that he used it once to let his friends know what song he had stuck in his head. So if you think of some music, we can all hear it.”

“All of my thoughts? I've got plenty that you don't want to hear.” I meant it as a joke, but I did have quite a few things in my head that I didn't want them to know. For one thing, Rarity might get a bit upset if she found out that I didn't reciprocate her feelings.

“Well, I can modify it so it only lets whatever thoughts you want to get out, uh, get out.”

I shrugged. “Okay, why not? Let's give it a shot.”

Rainbow was suddenly interested. “Do you have any really awesome bands on Earth? I like rock n' roll, do you guys listen to that?”

I felt a smile come onto my lips at her eagerness, despite the threat of a dragon at our destination. Sometimes the small things can overcome big issues. “I've got a song in mind that I bet you'll love. It's by a band called Rainbow, actually.”

Rainbow put her hooves to her face and gave a quiet but high-pitched “Eeee!” that was nearly as adorable as Fluttershy's squeaks. Boom, instant fangirl.

As Twilight worked the spell (in case you're wondering, I actually didn't feel a thing as my skin glowed), the chariot started moving and took off into the air, leaving behind the Cutie Mark Crusaders and Spike, who were all sulking. At least we wouldn't have to worry about them anymore.

I thought hard and the air was filled with the sound of Ritchie Blackmore pumping out chords and dead notes, Bobby Rondinelli pounding his drums, and Joe Lynn Turner singing. As we left Ponyville behind, the residents were left scratching their heads and trying to figure out just what the words meant.

Ohhhhh, so strong

Got the Power when I turn it on.

Yeah, I'm gonna get my fill

Nothin's gonna stop me now and nothin' ever will.

I got the Power!

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Pt. 6.1 (Doom and Gloom)

“I think, therefore I am a fan of ponies.” — René Descartes

Throughout the flight to Fillydelphia, Twilight kept the thought-music spell going. After a few more songs by Rainbow, I moved on to the Clash, Rush, Journey (“Don't Stop Believing” was an instant hit), AC/DC, Aerosmith, the Ramones, Van Halen (Rarity really seemed to like them for some reason), and a few others.

The mares all listened intently—Rainbow Dash would occasionally start to headbang and play air guitar (yes, despite not having fingers, the ponies had invented guitars)—and even the armored pegasi could sometimes be seen bobbing their heads in time to the beat.

Despite the music in the air, my guts squirmed as Ponyville faded in the distance. If we failed, that might be the last that any of us ever saw of it. We really had no idea what we were up against, and sword or no sword I wasn't completely convinced that the shadow dragon could be killed so easily. I nervously rubbed my thumb along the star in the sword's pommel.

The others looked only slightly worried and I wondered if the same thoughts had entered their heads as well. I was suddenly very grateful that Twilight wasn't allowing my own misgivings to get out of my skull. I tried to keep the music upbeat and cheerful, which helped a little bit.

It was late afternoon by the time that our destination came into view. Fillydelphia was located at the bottom of a shallow valley and sprawled along the shores of a pair of rivers that intersected at the city's heart, dividing it into quadrants. The buildings all seemed to be made of either wood or stone bricks and came in a variety of interesting styles. A few of the trees that lined the edge of the city had already started to turn yellow and orange, but most retained their brilliant green foliage. If it weren't for the thin layer of black smoke covering the western section and a conspicuous lack of visible residents, it would have been a pleasant sight.

The chariot descended and landed just outside the southern border. A dozen stallions in rusty iron armor snapped to attention and gave a human-style salute. Their eyes were all bloodshot and the pegasi's wings drooped ever so slightly, but they were obviously reluctant to show any kind of weakness or even surprise at my non-equine appearance.

“Oooh, it's a welcome party!” Pinkie said before she stuffed the last of the taffy pieces into her mouth. Despite the uplifting music, she'd been the only one to eat any of the snacks during the entire trip.

I returned the guards' salute as I stepped out of the chariot. “At ease, folks,” I said, swallowing my returning anxiety and attempting to adopt a military mindset. “Who's in charge here? What's the situation?”

A big black unicorn—the only one in the group—stepped forward. “Sergeant Linden, Fillydelphia Reserve Forces. I'm the acting commander. Or at least I was until you showed up, sir.”

“What happened to the Major?” Thunder demanded through his mustache from the front of the chariot.

“He lead the evacuation of the west sector, but his squad was ambushed and taken out by the dragon.” Linden paused and his unreadable expression turned to absolute terror for a fraction of a second before he regained his composure. “I've never seen anything like that monster. Even when you're staring right at it, you can't tell what it looks like. Sir.”

“Do you know where it is right now?” I asked. My innards squirmed again and I took a quick look around to make sure that there wasn't anything unusual in sight.

“It's holed up in the main library, uh...”

“Captain.”

“It's holed up in the library, Captain. Probably resting or waiting for it to get dark again.”

“Alright, let's move quick,” I said as I tried to think like a soldier. “Send out your pegasus warriors for immediate aerial recon in case that bastard tries to leave. The rest of you form up. Stay close, but try to stick to cover. Everypony understand?”

It felt strange to be giving orders like that, but they all nodded and the three ironclad pegasi took flight, leaving behind eight earth ponies and Sergeant Linden. Not the attack force that I would have picked, but beggars can't be choosers.

“You want us to go too, Captain?” Thunder asked. He pulled a small steel box out of the back of the chariot and it dropped to the ground with a jingling metallic clink.

I nodded. “Might as well, Lieutenant. Keep your heads down, though.”

The golden-armored stallions detached themselves from the chariot and set off after the other pegasi, pausing only to give a quick final salute. A minute later, they were out of sight.

Pinkie Pie bounced out of the golden carriage with her usual grin and energy, completely unfazed by (or uncomprehending of) the gravity of the situation.

Rainbow stretched her wings and flew up to my side. “Well, what are we waiting for? Let's get in there and whoop some ass!”

Applejack nodded in agreement. “A quick kick to th' teeth an' a stab to the heart is what Ah say. Let's hurry an' get 'im 'fore ma sis gets inta too much trouble back home.”

“Not so fast,” Twilight walked up too and dropped her voice to a whisper. “Did you see how scared Linden got when he mentioned the dragon? We need to be smart about this. Our best bet may be a surprise attack.”

“Surely we can't fail with our new leader,” Rarity said rather loudly. “Whatever strategy he chooses, our triumph is assured.” If I hadn't been so grateful for the support, I would have been frustrated with her constant insistence that I was some kind of miracle worker.

“The length of a triangle's hypotenuse is equal to the positive square root of the sum of the squares of the lengths of the other two sides!” Pinkie shouted happily, which earned her a long, confused stare from everypony.

I looked at Fluttershy, but she was nervously glancing all around and didn't say anything. She also shook very slightly from head to hooves, but that was actually displaying more confidence than usual and much more than I had expected from her.

I cracked open the box that Thunder had pulled out, and inside were five golden necklaces. Set in each was a bright gemstone in the forms of an orange apple, a blue balloon, a pink butterfly, a purple diamond, and a red lightning bolt. In the middle of the jewelery was a shiny tiara with a large purple starburst gem and several smaller blue jewels along the band. They were the Elements of Harmony, naturally.

The mares silently put on the necklaces and tiara. There wasn't much to say, but at least we had another line of defense now. Hopefully one that would make a difference.

When they were all ready, I nodded to Linden. “Lead on, Sergeant. Let's get a move on.”

“You heard him, colts,” Linden barked to the earth ponies. “Spread out, eyes open. Regent, take point. Draft and Tackle, guard our rear.” The stallions wordlessly got into a protective ring around us and we settled into a quick march toward the setting sun.

The shadows grew long as we walked, filling the alleys between them with darkness. A warm breeze blew scraps of shredded paper and dust through the air. There was very little noise and a vague hint of dread hung in the air. That ethereal feeling of anxiety grew as the light faded beyond the distant hills.

Before long, we came to one of several arching stone bridges that spanned one of the rivers. The water was completely still, and Pinkie couldn't resist the urge to kick a pebble into it. The resulting splash echoed in the lifeless city and the ripples spread in thick rings that bounced off both shores and headed back to their point of origin. Nopony said anything and we marched on.

“Oh, this is positively horrible,” Rarity complained as we stepped off the far side of the bridge and set foot in the western quarter of Fillydelphia. “All this smoke is going to ruin my hair.”

The air on this side of the river was filled with dark fumes that blocked the already weakened light. The wind was stronger here, but the smoke refused to dissipate.

“D-did the dragon start a f-fire somewhere?” Fluttershy's voice shuddered, and again she was looking everywhere.

Linden shook his head. “While the evacuation was underway, we enchanted the entire city with a fireproofing spell to make sure that didn't happen. We think that the smoke you see is coming directly from the beast himself.”

He suddenly took a deep breath and turned to me with pleading eyes. “Look, we never trained for an attack like this. None of us are soldiers. We're carpenters, apothecaries, and bakers who volunteered to be in the Reserve Forces, but we never really thought that we'd have to handle something this serious. I plant trees for a living, for Celestia's sake! Please tell me that you can defeat this monster and save the rest of the city!”

I was taken aback by the sudden begging. That was a bad sign. A really bad sign.

“You can count on us,” I said bravely. “One way or another, we'll get this dragon out of your manes soon enough.” I wasn't really that confident myself, but I knew that the other ponies were listening for my response. Keeping morale up in stressful situations is important.

Nopony seemed to have anything to say to that, so we kept moving in silence. The smoke became even thicker and the odd feeling of uneasiness increased as we moved on. I could tell that the others felt it too by their heavier breathing and the nervous glances that they kept throwing over their shoulders. Only Pinkie Pie didn't seem eager to get away from this dark place.

What little light managed to permeate the gloom revealed that many of the houses had been heavily damaged. Roofs had been torn apart, walls were knocked in, and long scratches were raked across the street. Loose tiles and chunks of stone were strewn haphazardly around. Long splinters of ruined timber beams stuck out like shattered bones from what looked like a destroyed post office. Whatever had done all this had to be big and seriously pissed off.

Several times I saw what appeared to be torn and bloody pony corpses, but they were always lying in a darkened alley or covered in debris. We all tried not to look too closely; at least one of the bodies was far too small to be a fully grown pony.

The sun finally set. Now the only sources of illumination came from a few electrical lights on the nearby buildings that were still more or less intact and the occasional streetlamp. The bulbs flickered and threatened to go out at any moment, causing the shadows to waver and shuffle around unnaturally.

Before the moon could rise, we reached the library. It was located near the middle of the western quadrant, in the darkest and smokiest part of the city. The place was enormous and looked like a medieval cathedral, complete with columns, leering gargoyles, and spiky Gothic spires on the steep roof. The surrounding trees swayed back and forth in the wind, and the rustling of their leaves sounded like plotting, treasonous whispers.

There were numerous lights inside that gave off plenty of colorful illumination through the stained glass windows that hung between many of the building's ribbed stone arches. The windows depicted scenes of ponies playing in the sun, lounging under trees, and other cheerful situations that the gloom and smoke had twisted into perverse mockeries of themselves. Every painted smile had become a grimace and their singing mouths now screamed in agony. Each trace of red glass was a pool of blood and the eyes all seemed to be fixed on us.

Twilight shivered. “I have a bad feeling about this,” she muttered to herself.

With a flutter of wings, Lieutenant Thunder landed in front of us and saluted. I returned the gesture. “Anything to report?” I asked, grateful to see another familiar face.

“The dragon is still inside and we're stationed all around. He can't get out without us knowing.”

I nodded and slid Luna's shield onto my left arm. “Good. Tell the others that if things go to hell and he makes a break for it, don't try to take him on by yourselves. Follow him and let us know where he's headed so that we can plan an ambush. And, most importantly, don't let him out of your sight.”

“Of course, sir.” He flew back into the darkness where the indistinct silhouettes of the other pegasi hovered.

“What about us, sir?” Linden asked nervously. “Do you want us to go inside with you?”

I considered for a moment, then shook my head. “No, if there's too many of us, we won't be able to sneak around. Set up a perimeter out here and be ready to follow the dragon if he tries to break away. Coordinate with the pegasi and stay calm.” I didn't say that nine extra ponies would just be more targets for the dragon to attack. Or that I had some serious doubts about their resolve. I happened to know that if even one of them tried to retreat in the middle of a fight, it could get all of us killed.

Linden nodded and gave a few short orders. He soon had the place surrounded. Apparently they had trained on how to do that.

I stepped up to the library's massive wooden door, took a deep breath, and turned to my friends. “Well, if anypony's having second thoughts, this is your last chance to back out.” I fully expected Fluttershy to try to take off, but she bit her lip and said nothing.

“Alright, let's go in quietly and get a look at the situation. Stay close, keep your eyes open, and be ready for anything.”

The ponies nodded and I carefully pushed open the door. It swung silently on its hinges and we all snuck inside quickly. I pulled the door shut behind us and gently allowed the latch to close. We were now in the shadow dragon's temporary lair.

The entire building was silent. Utterly silent. I know that libraries are supposed to be quiet places, but there was not a single sound in that place. Even my own breathing echoed off the walls, columns, and ceiling.

We slowly made our way forward into the library. Tens of thousands of books were stacked in hundreds of bookcases that spread out across the floor and the nine upper levels that protruded from each of the walls. Twilight gasped quietly at the sheer number of texts. It was clear that she was wondering what was written in them all and planning how to get her hooves on a few before we returned to Ponyville.

Scores of long tapestries hung from the walls and carved marble columns. Each of them displayed a sun and a moon at the top and various different scenes on the bottom two thirds. Like the windows, these showed ponies in moments of happiness and blissful playing that had been tainted by the dragon's presence. A few had been ripped to shreds, but the ones that were still intact seemed even worse somehow. The woven eyes either stared at nothing or glared at us, furious that we hadn't been consumed by the beast yet.

Applejack suddenly stopped in her tracks and motioned for us to do the same. She frantically pointed towards the wall to our left, between two rows of bookcases.

Lying against the wall between two support columns was a dark mass. It was a lump of solid lightless matter, as black as the library was quiet and then some. There weren't even any shadows on it, it was so dark. Pitch-black doesn't even come close to describing how black it was.

The darkness was illuminated ever so slightly by a strange green light that came from a shining emerald gem, but strangely the light only made the darkness seem even darker. That faint light made my skin crawl and the hairs on my neck stand up, and judging from Rarity's expression—a mixture of awe and disgust—even she knew that the jewel was tainted by evil.

The darkness was slowly expanding and contracting in a slow, steady rhythm. We all watched in horrified fascination as the dragon silently slept, oblivious to our presence. You'd expect to hear deep, rumbling snoring or breathing from something like that, but it gave off no sound of any kind, as if it didn't have lungs. That was pretty damn disconcerting.

I waved the ponies back and they silently followed. We hunkered down together behind a few rows of bookcases to discuss the best approach of attack.

“Here's what I'm thinking,” I whispered as they all huddled around. “If we stay quiet and do it right, we can end this without a fight. One quick hit in the jewel and it's dead.”

“Then why didn't you just do it when we were over there instead of bringing us back here first?” Rainbow asked crossly. Her wings twitched in agitation.

“Because we need to be smart about this,” I explained calmly, or at least as calm as I could manage while coming up with a plan with a giant shadow dragon less than a hundred feet away. “We want to have a Plan B in case something goes wrong. Stay back and let me get close unless that thing wakes up. If that happens, Rainbow, you and Fluttershy need to fly above the dragon and distract him while Applejack and Pinkie run around behind him and attack from his rear. Rarity and Twilight, get his sides. Everypony take turns pulling his attention away until I can hit him with this thing,” I tapped the sword's star pommel and looked around at the six of them.

They were all nodding. “If that doesn't work, Plan C is to fall back and regroup, say on the second floor in that corner over there. Are we all clear? Any questions?” Nopony spoke up. “Then let's do it.”

In a few moments, we were back to where we had been and were looking at the dragon once again. It hadn't moved or changed its breathing at all in our absence. The gem still glowed with its strange otherworldly light.

I took a deep breath and took a careful step towards the creature. Then another. And a few more. It didn't react. Maybe we didn't need to make a Plan B or C after all, I reassured myself as I slowly crept forward. This might be easier than I thought.

Since it was impossible to distinguish just what the dragon's body looked like (the thing's parts all blended together and it was so dark that I couldn't tell what part was the body and what was a leg or the neck), I judged my progress by how close the gem was as a reference. The thing wasn't quite as big as I'd initially thought. Once the jewel was within an arm's length, the mound of blackness rose up about ten feet; not nearly as big as the dragons that the ponies had faced on the show.

Despite its reduced size, that odd feeling of dread was back and hung extremely strong in the air around the dragon. It was suddenly tempting to fall back and try to think of another plan, but I gritted my teeth and took one last step towards the shining emerald. It really was a nice gem, but there was something about it that made me cringe. It simply didn't belong in this world, or in any world for that matter.

I took another breath and tried somewhat successfully to steady myself. My hand shook as it slowly pulled the glowing sword out of its scabbard, which suddenly seemed like a really bad thing to do. I had a sudden vision of the blue glow waking the dragon up, angry eyes, breathing fire, burning...

But the dragon kept sleeping, undisturbed by the metallic rasping noise and sudden change of light.

I tightened my grip on the sword and drew my arm back. One quick stab, I told myself. Just one quick stab and it'll all be over.

I jabbed my arm out. I thought that I could hear the ponies suck in their breath. My aim was perfectly straight and the point of the blade hit right in the center of the green jewel....

The point bounced off.

A sudden snort came from the mass of shadow and two new green lights appeared right above the emerald. They lingered on me for a moment and narrowed into thin, furious slits.

Oh. Shit.

I frantically swung the sword again and once more hit the gem. Like before, the metal was ineffectually turned aside by the emerald.

“Get out of there!” Twilight yelled as Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy leapt into the air. The glaring eyes and the jewel rose in the air as the dragon lifted its head and neck off the floor with an angry hiss.

Again, the thing was so black that without the gem, eyes, and background there was no way to distinguish the dragon's exact shape. It seemed to have sharp angles around the edges of its head and spikes along its neck, but it was difficult to see even those. I really wish that there were some other features to help me figure out what the fuck this thing actually looks like, I thought for some reason.

The monster decided at that moment to open his mouth, revealing dozens of dark silver teeth that glowed with their own faint evil light. Each one of them was about as long as my hand and tapered to a sharp point. On second thought, maybe it was better the other way.

The dragon arched its head back before darting forward, its jaws stretched wide. Without thinking, I brought the shield up and planted my feet. I bent my knees and braced myself.

The impact of the dragon's snakelike strike knocked me flat on my back, but I somehow managed to turn my fall into a backward somersault and rolled to my feet just in time to see Rainbow crash into the side of the monster's head. That distraction gave the other ponies time to run into the positions that I had assigned to them.

“Take this!” Applejack gave a swift buck to the black mass at the bottom of the dragon. A large clawed foot materialized out of the darkness and kicked her right back. She slammed headfirst into a bookcase with a yelp and was covered by an avalanche of text as the tomes fell from the shelves.

The dragon then returned its attention to Rainbow, who was still flying around its head and delivered an occasional kick. A deep rumbling came from the beast's chest as he took a breath (so it did have lungs after all). He then opened his jaws again and violent green flames shot out past his teeth at the blue pegasus. Rainbow let out a continuous stream of half-formed swearwords as she looped and twisted to dodge the fire.

The flames abruptly stopped as a small stone statue fell from above and slammed the dragon's mouth shut with a nasty crack. He glanced up with an enraged hiss to see Fluttershy hovering in the air and attempting to rock a large bookcase over the edge of the third-level balcony. He opened his teeth again in what looked vaguely like an evil grin and took another deep breath.

Suddenly I had a crazy, stupid idea. Just as I dismissed it, the words of Thunder came back to me: 'She also said that you should trust in it, whatever that means'. I looked down at the silver shield and gave a mental shrug. Alright, but there's no way in hell that this is gonna work.

I slipped the shield off my arm and threw it in a reverse frisbee toss just as the dragon shot out a small fireball at the yellow pegasus. The shield flew in a silver arc and intercepted the green flames, throwing them right back at the dragon. It let out a roar of pain as it was hit by its own attack and knocked over a shelf full of books and scrolls.

The shield then flashed back towards me and fitted itself once more to my arm. The entire process had taken less than a second. It was like something out of an outlandish anime, but I was there to see it happen with my own eyes.

Fluttershy meanwhile had managed to tilt the bookcase over the balcony's railing and sent it crashing down on the shadow dragon, who was more preoccupied with the dying fire that had landed all around him and was unable to dodge as the weight crashed right onto his back with a hollow thump.

The beast shook itself and finally got to its feet. The additional defined limbs finally gave us a much better idea of what it looked like; it was stocky with a short neck and had a long slender tail that ended in a pointy spike. The green gem was located on its neck just under the chin.

Pinkie giggled loudly and popped up from behind a bookcase. “Hey, mister draaaagon!” she called, which drew an angry glance from the monster. “You look like you've been living in a chimney for the last ten years!”

She had to duck down as the dragon swung a claw at her. Apparently laughing at this thing only made him angrier.

Several books smashed into the dragon's side, and he turned to see Twilight and Rarity picking up another volley with magic. He didn't seem to enjoy the thought of being hit again, and his tail flicked out. Both unicorns were knocked away and skidded to a halt on the stone floor about twenty feet away. Twilight's tiara flew off and fell to the ground with a metallic tink. They groaned softly in pain as they got back to their hooves.

I ran back up to the dragon and slashed my sword at where his chest seemed to be. The gem was out of range, but seeing my new friends getting hurt made me slightly angry. Besides, just sitting back and waiting for him to offer a free shot didn't seem to be an option.

I definitely felt the blade slice through something in the blackness, but there was no blood or visible damage of any kind. The dragon knocked me back to the ground with a backhanded (backclawed?) strike for my trouble.

Rainbow came up behind the dragon's head and gave a mighty kick that seemed to disorient it for a moment. “You like that?” she yelled as she kicked again. “Have some more!”

The dragon shook its head furiously and growled in annoyance. His tail whipped through the air and smashed into Rainbow Dash as she tried to land another hit, sending her spinning into Applejack just as the orange pony managed to free herself from the cascade of books. A second avalanche of texts buried both of them.

Rarity was standing still and rubbed her head at the base of her horn. She seemed a little disoriented from being hit, but snapped out of it when she saw Twilight using her magic on one of the pillars that supported the level over the dragon. Rarity then made her own horn glow and went to work on the other column, which shook violently from the spell.

An iron anvil dropped out of nowhere on the dragon's head, driving it to the ground. Pinkie Pie laughed maniacally and shimmied up the nearest tapestry while I sprinted forward and stabbed out again before the dragon could recover. The glowing jewel was once again within my reach.

Speaking of once again, once again the sword bounced off the gem without any helpful result.

Goddammit! I raged as the dragon hissed and drew its head back to strike at me again. Why isn't this working?

“Get back!” Twilight and Rarity yelled in unison as the marble pillars that they'd been affecting cracked and fell. They didn't have to tell me twice. A few quick backward steps brought me out of harm's way, but the dragon wasn't so lucky. The falling pieces of stone pinned him to the ground and a large cloud of dust blocked our view of him as he thrashed around in an attempt to free himself.

I took advantage of the brief break in the fighting to see what had happened to the others. Applejack and Rainbow Dash were both fighting to free themselves from the books, Rarity and Twilight were levitating more rubble and bookcases onto the trapped dragon to buy us a little more time, Pinkie Pie was still hanging from the tapestry and threw what looked like cupcakes down at the beast (no idea where she got those from), and Fluttershy was trying to back away from everything. We were too scattered and disorganized to do anything at the moment, and the dragon wouldn't be stuck for much longer.

“Fall back!” I shouted. “Plan C!”

We escaped from the flailing beast before he could try to attack us all again, pausing only to retrieve Applejack and Rainbow from the mound of texts. By the time that he freed himself, the seven of us were hiding out of sight behind a large bookcase in the corner of the second level.

Aaaaand it's time for another commercial break! Yay!

Hello, fillies. Look at your stud. Now back to me. Now back at your stud. Now back to me. Sadly, he isn't me. But if he stopped using that whimpy coat wash and switched to Ancient Zest, he could smell like he's me.

Look down. Back up. Over there. Back here. Where are you? You're on a boat, with the stud your stud could smell like. What's in your hoof?

Back at me. I have it. It's a pair of golden tickets to that thing that you like. Look again. The tickets are now diamonds. What's that in the sky?

Back at me. Now back at the sky. Me again. The sky is now diamonds. Anything is possible when your stud smells like Ancient Zest and not a whimp.

There's now two of me. Two studs that your stud could smell like. Now just one. Two again. Just one now. Back at your hoof. Your hoof is now diamonds.

Back. To. Me.

I'm a horse.

To be continued...

Pt. 6.2 (Darkness Falls)

“Neigh! Whinny! Nicker!” — Sarah Jessica Parker

The shadow dragon was still hunting for us on the ground floor and hadn't even bothered to look up on the higher levels. Not yet, anyway. So we were safe on the second balcony for the moment.

“Tha' worm's lucky he di'n't gimme a chance to give 'im a good kick where it really hurts,” Applejack was saying as she rubbed at the lump that was swelling at the back of her skull.

“That fucker could've broke my wing, piece of shit,” Rainbow Dash added as she straightened her feathers out.

Fluttershy was still shaking from the encounter and nearly being roasted. “Please don't say those words, Rainbow. I don't like them.”

“How can you be be thinking of that at a time like this?”

“Be quiet or he'll hear us,” Twilight warned Rainbow sternly before turning to me. “What happened down there? Why didn't the sword work?”

“You tell me,” I said bitterly as I sheathed the weapon in question. “I definitely hit that gem, but it just kept bouncing off.”

“That don' make no sense,” Applejack cut in. “Di'n't Thunder say tha' Luna'd put a spell on the sword so's it could kill that thing?”

“That's what he said,” Pinkie Pie confirmed. Even with a vengeful dragon sniffing around downstairs, she had a smile on her face and a spring in her step.

I sighed in frustration and rubbed my eyelids, trying desperately to think. “The shield worked just fine, so Luna obviously knew what she was doing with the enchantments. You're right, AJ. This doesn't make any sense. Something's not right here.”

I clenched my fist furiously. If the library's wall hadn't been made of solid stone, I would have tried to punch right through it. Being attacked by a dragon made entirely of darkness and having to retreat was straining my patience to the max.

“Calm yourself,” Rarity said softly as she gently placed a dainty hoof on my shoulder. “Anger won't help us now.”

I had to physically bite my tongue to prevent myself from snapping at her. The other ponies looked at each other uncertainly. Like I'd told them in the hospital, I never really show my ire until I'm about ready to rip somebody's head right off their shoulders.

After a moment, I got myself back under control. I knew that she was just trying to help me get my head straight, and lashing out would just make things worse anyway.

“You're right,” I sighed and put my hand on the hoof.

Rarity smiled reassuringly. “Of course I am. We have to think about this logically and—” She was interrupted as Pinkie bit her tail and roughly dragged her over to the balcony's edge.

“Hold out your hooves,” the pink pony demanded, her face suddenly deadly serious.

Rarity obeyed and stuck her hooves out in the air over the railing, asking a million questions with a look.

“Perfect,” Pinkie said. “Now just stay there for a minute.” She took a few steps back and looked at the underside of the balcony right above us. She thought for a moment, stuck the edge of her tongue out of the corner of her mouth, moved to the left a couple of inches, and blasted off with an impossibly high jump. Her face hit the stone hard with a dull thud.

Twilight rolled her eyes in exasperation. “Pinkie, we don't have time—”

A soft cry of surprise from Rarity cut her off. The white unicorn had nearly fallen over the side, but she managed to pull herself upright again. A large red book was clasped in her hooves.

“Is that...?” Rainbow was at a loss for words.

“Beasts of Darkness!” Twilight muttered, casting a quick glance at the bottom floor to make sure that the shadow dragon hadn't seen or heard anything before levitating the tome out of Rarity's grip. “And it looks like it has all the pages! Maybe this will help us figure out what to do.”

“Jus' how in tarnation didja do that?” Applejack asked Pinkie as Twilight ripped the book open.

Pinkie sat on the floor and crossed her hooves in irritation. “Well, while you were all worrying about why the sword didn't work, I was looking at these books here.” She pointed vaguely at the bookcase to our right. “If things like Bodacious Needlepoint Creations and Xtreme Basketweaving are here, that means that we're in the Arts and Crafts area, and that the Evil Supernatural Creatures section must be two levels up with Beasts of Darkness precariously balanced on the edge of the railing. All it needed to fall was a little—”

“Okay okay, we get it,” Twilight said as she used her magic to turn to the proper page. “Here we are, the missing...”

You could actually hear her eyelids snap away from each other. Her eyes traced over the same spot on the page, as if she couldn't believe what the words said. She tried unsuccessfully to speak a few times before forcing out a hoarse (no pun intended) “Are you...are you fucking kidding?”

“Twilight...”

“Sorry, Fluttershy, but this...you don't...oh, I'll just read it! It's that last sentence that was cut off in my copy. 'They usually have a prominently glowing gem that is used to distract from the actual source of their existence'!”

A moment of silence passed as we let that sink in.

“You mean this whole time I was hitting it in the wrong spot?” My subdued anger was coming right back.

Rainbow Dash glared down at the dragon, who was currently knocking over random bookshelves and sniffing their contents. She looked even more furious than I felt. “So, Twilight, where do we stick the sword? Is it any of the places that I wanna shove it in him right now?”

Twilight regained her composure and carefully looked at the page again. “'The object must be revealed with a large amount of light before it can be identified and struck.' And then there's a few accounts of how they've done that in the past. It looks like they usually had Princess Celestia or a small army around to do it.”

“Light, huh?” Applejack put a hoof to her chin. “Well, the sun's down. Now what?”

“These things, duh!” Pinkie tapped her necklace lightly.

“Of course!” Twilight mumbled excitedly. “The Elements of Harmony gave off all kinds of light when we used them! That must be why the Princess sent them with us! All we have to do is...”

She stopped talking again and desperately grabbed at the top of her head. Her tiara was gone.

“Oh no!” she squealed and rushed to look over the balcony's edge. The rest of us also looked down, only to see the shadow dragon chewing on something golden and purple. The tiara had been knocked off when the dragon hit Twilight with his tail, and now he was having it for a snack.

We all stared in dumbfounded silence for a moment while the beast continued to gnaw on the Element of Magic.

Well, that's a kick in the balls, I thought resentfully.

“So much fer that plan,” Applejack muttered in disappointment. “Guess we gotta think o' somethin' else.”

“Perhaps these will work?” Rarity pointed to her horn hopefully.

Twilight shook her head and stuck her nose back in the book. She was fuming but kept her voice even. “Just you and me won't cut it. Even if we called Sergeant Linden in to help us out, we wouldn't have nearly enough magical power. According to this, it takes at least twenty unicorns to make enough light. Next idea.”

“Are there any more o' these thingamajigs around?” Applejack was pointing at the nearest electrical lamp, which gave off a feeble glow that dimmed and flickered occasionally.

“He'll notice if we start hanging lights everywhere,” I pointed out. “That'll take forever, and it doesn't look like there's much power left, anyway. I guess we'll have to make our light the old-fashioned way.”

The ponies all looked at me in confusion.

“Fire,” I clarified.

Twilight bit her lip and gazed longingly at the books that sat on the shelves. She sighed unhappily. She knew what had to be done.

“Well, if we must...” She closed her eyes and her horn glowed. The entire bookcase burst into bright golden flames...which then disappeared and left the books completely unharmed.

The purple unicorn frowned and tried again. The books burned for a moment and then were perfectly fine a second later. A third try yielded the same result.

“Didn't Linden mention that they put a fireproofing spell on the entire city?” Rarity recalled.

Rainbow Dash facehoofed with a groan. “Great. That's just perfect! Well, we're totally fucked now, aren't we?”

Fluttershy gasped. “Rainbow!”

“I know, I know, you don't like it, but—”

“No, that's not what I mean!” Fluttershy's voice was much louder than usual, about at the same volume as a regular pony's voice. “Rainbow, you can do it. If you make a Sonic Rainboom, there will be plenty of light.”

“What?” Rainbow was caught off guard. “A Rainboom in here? Are you insane?”

“Actually, that might be just crazy enough to work,” Twilight was thinking.

“You can't be serious. There's nowhere to pick up enough speed! I need a lot more room than we have in here.”

“Then fly 'round outside,” Applejack put in. “We can knock down one o' these walls or windows fer ya. We can always rebuild 'em later.”

Rainbow still wasn't convinced. “And what about after the Rainboom, when I'm going really fast? I don't wanna splatter all over the place!”

“Then we'll have to take out two walls,” I said, also thinking. “One for you to fly in through and one for an exit. But we'll have to do it quickly and carefully so that he” I jerked my head downwards “doesn't have a chance to see and break out.”

My mind was racing, but I didn't like where the thoughts were going. “This isn't gonna be fun,” I muttered to myself.

“You have a plan?” Pinkie asked, her eyes wide and sparkling.

I nodded and kicked myself back into leadership mode. “Rarity, Fluttershy, and Applejack, you get to work on the exit hole. Make it, say, on the fourth level right above the front door. The rest of you put the entrance wherever Rainbow wants it, then she'll head outside and get plenty of distance. As soon as you're ready, fly in and go supersonic right in the middle of the place.”

“Where are you going to be?” Rarity asked.

I scratched at my beard and reset my glasses on my nose. “Someone's gotta keep that dragon busy. Everypony clear on the plan?” There were nods. “Then let's do it.”

Rarity came up to me again. “Before we do, I have something that I would like to tell you, Jesse. If I may—”

Applejack cut her off with a tug on her mane. “No time fer fancy words. Save it fer afterwards, 'cause we got a wall ta knock down pronto.”

Rarity glared daggers at the earth pony and attempted to put her hair back in place. “You know nothing about dramatic timing and revelations! But I suppose you are right.”

I quickly made my way to the staircase and climbed up to the next level before they could say anything else. Rainbow Dash flew up after me.

“You know that this is completely insane, don't you? Do you have any idea how many things can go wrong?”

“You're preaching to the choir, Rainbow,” I said as I started up the next set of stairs.

“Meaning...?”

“Yes, I know. But this is the only chance we have.”

“Do you really expect me to fly through two tiny holes at top speed and pull off the Rainboom inside the place? With an error margin that's probably less than a tenth of a fucking second?” Both her voice and her hooves were shaking. That was a lot of pressure.

I paused in my climbing and turned to look straight into her pink eyes. “Look, Rainbow, I know that you can do this. Do you trust me?”

For a few moments, Rainbow hovered in place and silently stared at the floor. One of her hooves brushed the red lightning bolt that hung from her neck. Then she sighed and nodded. “I'm not sure why, but yes. Somehow, I do.”

I cracked a smile and continued moving. “Good. That makes one of us.”

“Why are you going upstairs, anyway?”

“You'll see when you pull off the Rainboom.”

“You really think I can? I know, you just said you do, but I've only done it twice, and you saw how my last practice run went...”

I was beginning to get frustrated with her self-doubt. “When you tried that time, you kept one leg up against your body. If you stick out all of 'em and point your hooves, it'll work. Just focus on your aim and timing. Now go tell Twilight where you want your hole.”

Rainbow blinked in surprise at being dismissed so tersely, but she flew off without arguing and I climbed the rest of the stairs by myself in silence. I could faintly hear the dragon downstairs still bumping into stuff and tearing apart whatever books had managed to survive his presence for so long.

The top level seemed to be filled with more adult-oriented material. Smutty romance novels and what appeared to be a ponified version of the Karma Sutra were scattered around. Most of the covers looked like they'd been inspired by the scribbles in the binder of a pre-teen schoolboy who had just discovered that girls had different things in their pants than he did.

One small book caught my eye and I curiously picked it up off the shelf. It was a copy of That's Not All That Horns Are Good For, by some doctor pony named Gentry Dolhooves. Judging by the photo of the author on the back cover, his credentials probably weren't legit. The old blue stallion looked more like a trashy onion peddler than a bestselling writer.

I shrugged and tossed the book aside. We had more important things to do than learn which holes to shove a horn into and if firing off a spell mid-thrust would increase the receiving pony's pleasure. I walked up to the edge of the balcony and peeked over the side.

Nine stories is a long distance from the ground when you look down and there's nothing to stop you from falling but a short wooden railing. It seems even longer when there's a hostile shadow dragon down there and you know that he's trying to find you. Translation: It felt really fucking high.

The beast was still meandering around the ruined ground floor, now pulling one of the long silk tapestries off the wall for some reason. The hanging showed a green pegasus filly dancing in giddy abandon, but as he gnawed on her leg it looked more like she was crying out in pain and trying desperately to fly away.

“Naw, Rarity, ya gotta put some muscle inta yer kicks,” Applejack's voice suddenly rang out audibly. A crash of collapsing stone echoed from the general direction of the front door as a small hole appeared in the wall a few levels up. The shadow dragon turned its angular head and hissed loudly, its tapestry forgotten as it focused on the crunching sound.

Here we go, I thought as I swallowed hard and cleared my throat. Time to get his attention.

“Hey you down there!” I shouted.

Two green slits glared up at me.

“Yeah you, scrotumbreath! Yo mama's so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits around the house!”

The dragon cocked his head, obviously confused. Does it even understand what I'm saying? “Yeah, she's so fat that you have to roll over twice just to get off her in the morning. But I'll bet anyone could tell you that.”

The dragon let out a puff of smoke from his nose. It looked like he was starting to get annoyed. I was dimly aware that Applejack was running around the balconies to the other side to help with the other hole while Rarity and Fluttershy finished the exit by themselves.

“Yo mama's so fat that whenever she steps on a weight scale it says 'To be continued.' She makes sumo wrestlers think that they suffer from anorexia. They say that fat chicks have more to love, but she could count as an entire harem all by herself!”

The dragon was clearly angry now. It spread two long, black wings and launched itself into the air.

Shit, too early! I pulled off my shield and threw it without thinking.

Wham!

The dragon crashed to the ground with a roar of pain after the shield stuck its wing. His impact threw scores of loose books into the air and the silver shield flew right back to me.

Forget Captain Jesse, now I'm Captain Fucking America! Wait, that sounds weird. I'm Fucking Captain America? No, that's way worse.

The shadow dragon shook himself off with a snarl and flapped his damaged wing experimentally. It was bent at an odd angle.

“How'd you like that, bitch?” I spread my arms in a cocky mocking gesture. I was suddenly much more sure of myself now that I'd actually hurt him. “You wanna piece of me? Come get some!”

“Don't overdo it!” Twilight called from somewhere to my right as Applejack bucked at the second hole with a crunch of breaking stone. “Rainbow's not in position yet!”

The dragon snarled again and folded his wings back as well as he could. Then he sunk his claws into a support column that lead directly to my balcony and began to climb. The pillar cracked and shuddered from the weight, but it held. Claw by claw he slowly made his way upward.

I began hurling more insults as soon as they formed in my head. “Yo mama's so fat, she deep-fries her toothpaste. She's so fat that when you're on top of her your ears pop. I know that one from personal experience. Don't try to sugarcoat how fat she is, 'cause you'll just make her eat that too!”

He was already about a third of the way up. I was starting to feel just a bit nervous as he came closer, but I kept yelling.

“Yo mama's so fat, when she goes swimming in the ocean all the sailors say 'Land ho!' Then they pull up their ships and climb on top of her, so she gets covered in seamen! When she sits around the house, she—wait, I already used that one. Uh, your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!”

Halfway up. He looked pissed.

My newfound confidence was just about gone and my insults became steadily more nonsensical. “If you were an ice cream flavor, you'd be pralines and dick! Looks to me like the best part of you ran down your mama's crack and ended up a brown stain on the mattress! You're so useless that if we put you in the same room as nine lesbians and ten government workers, you'd be twenty folks who don't do dick!”

Three quarters of the way up. He looked really pissed.

“She's coming!” Pinkie Pie yelled. “Ten seconds!”

I stopped my verbal barrage and backed away from the edge until my spine was against the wall. The glowing sword rasped against its scabbard as I unsheathed it again and tightened my grip on the handle. I could hear the dragon climbing even higher and the balcony shuddered violently as he made yet another claw-hold.

Any last words? I asked myself as I got ready. Yeah. I really wish I had a better idea than this.

I placed my foot against the base of the wall and took a deep breath. Then I pushed off, sprinted to the edge of the balcony, and leapt headfirst over the railing.

Yes, you read that right. No, it wasn't one of my better plans.

If you've seen an action movie within the past two or three decades, you can instantly recognize when shit's about to get real. Everything slows down and there's usually a helicopter somewhere to let you know just how much time passes as you watch the rotors slooooowly spin around. Then everything speeds back up when the helicopter explodes for no good reason.

At this point, time was going slow. Really slow. The dragon was surprised to see me coming straight at him and didn't have time to react as I sloooowly smashed my shield right into his face and broke three of his front teeth right out of their sockets. The fangs fell out of his mouth without any sign of blood and twirled completely around about six times each as they fell down his throat before I lost sight of them.

His roar of pain was looooong and drawn out at a lower pitch than it should have been. I'd bounced off of his head and reached out my shield arm until, after what seemed like a full minute, I hooked my elbow into the nook between his short neck and shoulder. I pulled myself into an upright position and clung to his back.

I pulled the sword back slooooowly and stabbed the glooooowing blade into the dragon's spine. I knew that it wouldn't kill him, but I did it anyway. The point only sunk in a few inches before it was stopped by bone and I had to slooooowly pull it out again while he slooooowly but firmly shook himself in a futile attempt to throw me off. His tail whipped dangerously close to my head.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Rainbow Dash hurtling through the hole in the wall at a dangerously steep angle, just barely clearing the balcony's railing and sending a bunch of loose papers flying into the air. She was going fast, but everything else was still slooooow. She'd taken off her necklace at some point, probably to get rid of even that tiny bit of weight that would have slowed her down. The clear cone-shaped bubble of air in front of both her hooves looked unstable and electricity sparked along its edges.

For a brief moment a look of utter horror went across Rainbow's face as she saw me stabbing the shadow dragon. It was painfully obvious that she was thinking that I'd completely lost my mind. Not that I blame her; what kind of moron deliberately throws himself off a ninth-story balcony to grapple with a monster like that? Besides me, obviously.

Then she put me out of her mind. Her pink eyes narrowed in determination and she returned her focus to flying as she put on an final burst of speed, straining every fiber of her body to go just a little faster...

Then time slowed down again. Even Rainbow slowed down. Everything went silent in that stretched-out instant as the air bubble suddenly sparked and fizzled and she punched right through it.

As her hooves connected with the barrier, a supernova of color exploded outward and mercilessly blasted the shadows away. She pulled back and struggled into an upward angle, her mane flapping wildly as she flew straight through the exit hole and out of sight, a rainbow contrail hanging in her wake.

At that point, the wave of light and brilliant colors washed over us and the concussive air burst shoved me into the dragon's dark back. Then, his back suddenly wasn't so dark. The blinding light punched right through the shadow dragon's scales and flesh until there was nothing visible but a few faint outlines where his skeleton should have been. I could still feel his shoulder under my arm, but I couldn't see anything other than a bunch of transparent dragon bones hanging in midair in a vaguely dragon-shaped pattern. There was a massive crack in one of his larger wing bones.

A spot of darkness drew my attention as I slooooowly struggled to pull myself out of my enemy's now-invisible back. It was a single scale near the base of his tail that seemed to absorb the light instead of letting it pass through. A tiny patch of darkness on a dragon made entirely of darkness.

I have you now.

I slooooowly let go of the dragon and slooooowly let myself fall downwards towards the black speck. I could feel him slooooowly trying to turn around to find out where I was and what all of this light was coming from. I didn't plan to let him figure it out.

Now, the speck was right below me. I slooooowly pulled the sword back one more time and slooooowly stabbed out with all of my strength. The tip was slooooowly approaching the scale and I was slooooowly shouting out a stolen one-liner.

Then everything sped up. The dragon's bones faded away and became a bunch of thin shadowy tendrils that sunk into where the sword had hit. The black scale flashed white and turned into a bright red ruby that fell after me toward the ground with the emerald from the dragon's neck in hot pursuit.

“YIPPIE KI-YAY, MOTHERFUCKER!” I was screaming in triumph at the top of my lungs. Yes! That cocksucker is finally dead!

Then I turned my head back and realized that I was still four stories from the ground and falling fast. And Rainbow Dash wasn't around to catch me this time.

Shit.

I closed my eyes shut as the air whipped through my hair and beard and wondered what it would feel like to have my brain splatter all over the floor. And what the janitor pony who had to clean it up later would say. Probably something along the lines of “I don't get paid enough to put up with this bullshit,” most likely while puffing on a cigarette and wishing that his wife would just accept the fact that he had to have this job and work late hours so that he could support her and their foals until his painting career took off. Bits didn't grow on trees, dammit!

My thoughts were interrupted as I fell onto something soft and rolled off. I opened my eyes in time to see that I had hit a floating tapestry that was glowing blue around the edges. Before I could even fully grasp what I was looking at, I hit another one. And another. Then another one. My speed had been reduced to almost nothing.

I missed the next tapestry. I was still about fifteen feet from the book-covered floor. I had time for only one more thought before I hit the ground: This is gonna hurt.

* * * * *

“FUCK!”

“Hold him still, Pinkie!” Twilight's horn glowed as she tried again to reset my leg. She'd gotten her tiara back at some point, complete with bite marks in the metal. “That was extremely reckless, you know. You're lucky Rarity thought fast enough to save you.”

“Yeah, I knoCUNTFLAPS!” I involuntarily kicked my leg out of Pinkie's grasp. It felt like my right shinbone was jamming my kneecap into my femur.

“Just where did you learn such foul language?” Rarity's purple mane was a complete mess, but she either didn't notice or didn't care at the moment. For that matter, she didn't seem at all concerned with the dust that had turned her perfectly white coat a dirty gray and hid her cutie mark from view.

I groaned and tried to ignore the pain. “Sorry, but on EarSON OF A BITCH!” The offending bone had tried to shove its way through my foot. Fluttershy winced at all the shouting but didn't say anything.

Now that the danger was gone, the rush of adrenaline was dying down but not gone yet. My hands were shaking and my spine tingled. I also had a massive erection for some reason.

The glow around Twilight's horn faded and she gave a tired sigh. There were dark circles under her eyes. “That's the best I can do. It's fixed, but it'll still be tender and painful for a few days.”

I gingerly lifted myself to my feet. A sharp pain came from my right ankle and I quickly shifted my weight to the other leg. She wasn't kidding about the tenderness.

“Thanks,” I muttered and took a few gentle steps. That didn't hurt too bad, so I kept moving. I felt the need to walk around and get rid of the extra energy.

I struggled to limp around and scramble over the destroyed bookshelves. Luckily it wasn't far to where my sword and shield had fallen on top of the destruction. I noticed that the blade wasn't glowing anymore as I sheathed it and hung the shield onto my back once again.

A couple of shining specks among the fallen books and shredded tapestries caught my eye. A closer look revealed that they were the emerald and the ruby that the dragon had dropped. They were much smaller than I'd thought, each only about the size of my thumb, and the sinister glowing was gone. Now they looked just like ordinary jewels.

Something at the back of my mind told me that it would be unwise to leave them sitting there, so slid the gems into my pocket. Also, years of video games driving me to loot everything that's shiny and not nailed down may have had something to do with it.

At that point, my leg had had enough. My knee buckled painfully and I had to grab onto a broken bookcase to keep from falling to the ground. My attempts to get my leg back under control only resulted in sharp stabs of pain and more swearing.

“Ya need a crutch o' somethin', sugar cube?” Applejack asked with concern.

“I have a better idea.” Before I realized what was happening, Rarity's disheveled head appeared between my legs and she lifted me up on her back without much effort. Either I'd lost weight or she was stronger than she looked. Or maybe it was magic.

“I can manage just fine,” I said as I moved to dismount. Call me a stubborn prick, but I didn't want to make her carry me around.

Rarity swung her head around to look at me. “Why so eager to get off? Don't you want to ride me?”

Her quick wink proved that she had snuck an entirely different question in there. Christ, how am I gonna deal with this?

Before I could form a response, the library's door crashed open and Rainbow Dash burst in with a few staggering steps. Her multicolored mane was tangled and knotted to absurdity and there was what looked like half of a small bush hanging from her tail.

“Sorry I took so long to get back. I hit a tree and...” Her voice trailed off and she snorted in amusement as she noticed me still sitting on Rarity's back. “About time you got him on top of you, if you know what I mean.”

Rarity rolled her eyes in annoyance, despite her own question from a few seconds before that amounted to pretty much the same thing. “You can be so crude at times, Rainbow Dash.”

“That sounds like fun!” Pinkie shouted and grabbed the other pegasus, who hadn't said anything lately, around the neck. “Hey, Fluttershy! Let me get on top of you and we'll be crude like Dashie!”

Twilight and Applejack both facehoofed at the same time. Rainbow's face turned bright red and her wings popped up into the air with an audible sproing.

I'm a really bad influence, I belatedly realized.

* * * * *

Outside, the gloomy smoke had all but disappeared and the silver moon shone down on the damaged city. The stained glass windows (none of them had been broken by the Rainboom's shockwave because magic) once again depicted scenes of joy and life that cheerfully warmed the night. The menacing black shadows had all become soft and inviting. The rustling leaves were no longer whispering threats behind our backs.

The stallions were all lined up and saluted once again as Rarity carried me out the door and the other ponies followed. They weren't quite unprofessional enough to point out that I was riding my friend, but they did look much more relaxed than they had when we had left them behind. The Royal Guard pegasi remained fairly stoic and composed, but the Reserve Forces were another story entirely. A couple of them exchanged brohoofs and shoved each other coltishly.

Linden and Thunder both stepped forward, the former's rusty armor a far cry from the latter's shining golden breastplate and helm. Both looked very reassured by our return, though they tried not to show it.

The ironclad unicorn spoke first. “On behalf of Fillydelphia, please accept my eternal gratitude for saving our city and defeating the monster. Most of it, anyway. Thanks to all of you, we can now reverse the evacuation orders and bring the resident ponies back again.”

“Are we gonna get our own holiday for this?” Rainbow asked hopefully. “You should invite the Wonderbolts to have a flying show in our honor! And tell them—”

Twilight stepped forward and cut her off. “What she means to say is that it was our pleasure to help and that you can always count on us in your times of need. Isn't that right?” She stared hard at the blue pegasus out of the corner of her eye.

“Yeah, that too, I guess.”

“Well, there will likely be some sort of celebration,” Linden said, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. “I'm sure that the rest of our city's population will be more than happy to make a special occasion in remembrance of tonight's events.”

“A party! I love parties!” Pinkie was bouncing up and down excitedly.

Lieutenant Thunder cleared his throat and puffed out his chest. “You'll all be pleased to know that we have received an announcement from Princess Luna congratulating all of you for slaying the shadow dragon. She invites you to a celebration of her own to be held at noon tomorrow in the royal palace of Canterlot. Separate from the Autumn Festival, of course.”

“Wait a second, ” I objected. “That thing's only been dead for about ten minutes. How did she know that we killed him? And how did she manage to send a message?”

“It's a mystery!” called a voice from above.

Everypony threw their heads back. Princess Luna's silvery blue and purple head was hanging over the edge of the library's roof . She waved happily down at us.

Thunder coughed into his hoof. “That's how, Captain. Apparently she watched the whole thing through the windows.”

Luna leapt from the roof and spread her wings, floating down until she was right next to us. She clopped her hooves together in joy. “That was so exciting! Absolutely amazing! I've already started working on a song to celebrate your victory here. I think I'll call it 'The Glorious Ballad of the Human Hero.' Sounds nice, don't you think?”

I shifted uncomfortably on Rarity's back. “Uh...it wasn't me, really. It was all of us working together that brought brought the dragon down. If any one of these six wasn't here, that thing would still be sacking the place.”

“Aw, give yerself a li'l credit,” Applejack drawled. “'Sides, what did Ah do ta help?”

“We wouldn't have gotten the walls down fast enough without you,” I said and turned back to Luna. “Twilight knew when things were going downhill and figured out how to trap the dragon long enough for us to get away and come up with another strategy. Pinkie Pie found the book that let us know what we were doing wrong. Fluttershy reminded us that the Sonic Rainboom gives off a ton of light and Rainbow Dash made that happen. And Rarity saved my life after I jumped and forgot about how I was gonna land. Also, without your sword and—”

Rarity gave a little hop to make me shut up. “Couldn't you just say 'thank you' and have a little pride in yourself for a while? You did just slay a shadow dragon, which is no small accomplishment. Besides, it would be a terribly rude gesture to refuse a gift from the Princess of the Moon herself.”

Luna giggled girlishly. “Don't worry, I've been making songs for the others as well. Anyway, don't think too hard about it right now. I'm sure that you're all exhausted, so feel free to sleep on the ride to Canterlot.” She gestured with her horn at the golden chariot, which had somehow ended up nearby.

While the pegasus guards hooked themselves into their harnesses, the mares and I got back to our seats in the cart. Everypony did look tired. Even the energetic Pinike Pie was yawning, despite the promise of a party.

The Fillydelphia Reserve Force saluted one last time at us and Luna, their rusty iron armor glinting dully in the moonlight. I sat myself down between Twilight and Rarity. My leg was still sore, but that beat the hell out of being broken. Despite the dull pain, I fell asleep before the chariot even left the ground.

The first dream that formed in my head looked suspiciously like a commercial...

She can wade through fields of Poison Joke without fear of being affected. The plants know that they could never embarrass her.

She doesn't have a cutie mark, because her special talent is everything.

She can buck every apple off a tree with a few polite words. Or ones that aren't polite.

She once found herself staring a cockatrice in the eyes. He is now part of a tasteful fountain in her yard.

She was voted both the best magician and the best high-speed flier in the same year. And she doesn't have a horn or wings.

She was invited to the Grand Galloping Gala, but still gatecrashed the party. Just because it's more fun that way.

She is...The Most Interesting Mare in the World.

“I don't always drink beer. But when I do...I prefer Dos Equines.

Remain athirst, my comrades.”

Pt. 7 (Something Different)

“Home is where the ponies are.” — Pliny the Elder

“Jesse, I'm pregnant,” Rarity said dramatically, her tentacles bouncing with each word. “It's yours.”

My mechanical eyes whirled as I looked her over. Several diagnostic graphs loaded themselves onto my visual display, each confirming the others.

“My logical data analysis sector indicates that would be highly unlikely,” I replied in an emotionless monotone. “And my Bullshit meter agrees.”

“YARRR!”

A tiny pink comet slammed into the side of my head and latched onto the metal bits that poked out of my decaying skin. I didn't react or move at all as the pint-sized Pinkie Pie grabbed at my face. She was wearing an eyepatch, a big gold earring, and a bandanna around her head.

“Mizz Applejack!” Pinkie yelled as she wrestled with the wires that stuck out of my ear. “Tie up this 'ere dog an' throw 'im in th' brig!”

“Dear me, but I do believe that all this commotion will frightfully ruin my complexion,” Applejack waved a fan to give herself a little air. Her hair was carefully stacked in a tall bun and a lacy corset pulled her body into an hourglass shape.

Wait, something was wrong here. I tried to figure out what it was as Pinkie started gnawing on my metallic scalp with muttered threats about “makin' ya walk th' plank” and “feedin' yer gizzard ta th' gulls.”

Maybe it had something to do with the way that Fluttershy was sticking clouds into an electric blender and turning them into martinis. Or perhaps it was the fact that the snoring Rainbow Dash was a dolphin with tacos for flippers. Or it could be the ominous bluish gray smoke that swirled around and compressed itself into a twenty-foot high Twilight Sparkle. A twenty-foot high Twilight Sparkle with more gold bling hanging from her neck than Mr. T could ever dream of. And a handlebar mustache.

No, none of that was unusual. My logic system said so, and it never lied to me. Like that time that it said that babies are delivered by a stork and everyone said that was ridiculous, but it turned out that it was right after all. So if it said that that stuff was all normal, it was all normal.

That meant that it had to be Twilight's fifth leg that was out of place. Yeah, that was it. Or maybe she was just really happy to see me...

“Jolly good day, Mizz Sparkle,” Pinkie called out and saluted from my shoulder. “We be havin' a prisoner for you we do!”

“I thought you had a pirate accent,” Rarity objected, her tentacles getting themselves in a knot.

“Arr, I'm not very consistent. Yearghh.”

“DEVOUR!” the giant, five-legged, blinged-out, mustached Twilight rumbled.

Next thing I knew, I was shoved into the massive mare's ginormous mouth by a snickering and clearly drunk Fluttershy. Everything went dark...

* * * * *

When I opened my eyes, the first thing that I saw was a bright blue sky with a giant golden sun in the middle. I thought that the sun looked a little odd, but then my brain caught up completely I realized that it was just a painting on the ceiling. Where am I? What happened? Where's everypony?

I sat up and stretched my sore arms while I looked at the room. It was fairly large, with long rectangular windows that let the real sun's light in. The walls were all the same blue color as the ceiling. A full-length mirror hung on one wall next to a teak wardrobe. The two wooden doors that led out of the room were big and covered with intricate carvings of various wildflowers.

I climbed out of the big round bed with a hiss of pain as my leg took on too much of my weight. The memories of the previous day came back: the shadow dragon, the Rainboom, falling, the book, the frustration, the chariot, Rainbow Dash swearing a lot. It felt like there was something really important that I was forgetting, but, as always seems to be the case, I couldn't figure out what that might be.

It was at that moment that I realized that my clothes were all gone. This discovery raised a few new questions in my mind. Why am I naked? Who undressed me? When was the last time that I did some manscaping? Was I raped in my sleep? A quick check showed that the rest of the bed was undisturbed and there wasn't an imprint in the mattress, so I'd either been alone all night or somepony who was really careful had been here.

I tried to drive the thought from my mind. That was a completely ridiculous and irrational fear. And even if I had been raped, I probably would have noticed or at least felt a little different. Since I didn't, that probably meant that I was in the clear.

I heard the distinctive sound of a flash bulb going off from the window. I turned my head in time to be blinded by another burst of light. When my vision came back an instant later, I could see that there were five or six pegasus ponies hovering outside with old-fashioned cameras pointed right at me. More flashes went off as they took pictures.

I quickly shut the fancy aquamarine curtains and tried to think and assess the situation. Okay, I'm in some building that I don't recognize, I'm naked, and there's a bunch of perverted pony photographers outside the window who were just waiting for me to wake up. Is this the pony version of Hollywood or Vegas?

Well, first things first. I cracked open one of the doors and peeked inside. Luckily, I'd picked the one that lead to a large, fancy bathroom. The white tiles shone and the glass of the lightbulb was swirled around like a seashell.

After relieving myself and taking a quick bath, I went back to the bedroom and looked inside the wardrobe. A few sets of clothes were hanging in there, most of them fancy suits and tuxedos that looked really uncomfortable. The clothes that I had worn before were nowhere to be found, so I grabbed some new ones.

I picked the second-most informal outfit, which consisted of black linen pants, a dark blue polo shirt, white socks, and what could have passed for regular tennis shoes on Earth. There was even a nice wristwatch to go with it.

The absolute most informal outfit was a black leather bondage harness with spikes stuck in a very painful-looking place. There was even a nice gag ball and a black whip to go with it. I still have no idea why the fuck that thing was in there or what the point of it was and I never asked anypony about it.

As I finished dressing, there was a light knock at the door. It was Twilight, who looked to be in much better condition than she had been the night before. She was wearing a dark green dress that had a few gems sewn along the edges in star-shaped patterns.

“I was wondering where everypony went,” I said as I stepped out of the room and into a long hallway that was decorated with fancy pillars and intricate paintings of birds.

“They're already at Luna's party,” Twilight explained as she turned and began walking down the corridor. I fell into step beside her, still limping slightly. “It's just after eleven o'clock right now, but ponies have already started to show up.”

Was that what I'd forgotten about? “I take it that we're in Canterlot right now?”

Twilight nodded. “I used to live here, you know. That was back before Princess Celestia sent Spike and me to—”

She suddenly stopped mid-stride. “Oh no. We left Spike with the Cutie Mark Crusaders all night! Sorry, but I have to go and get a letter to them right away!”

Twilight took off running and sped through one of the numerous doors. Yes, she just abandoned me in an unfamiliar corridor in a strange building in an unknown city. I stood there for a full minute trying to figure out what to do about this, and eventually I decided to just keep walking until I either ran into somepony or found something interesting.

I took a grand total of four uneven steps before Pinkie Pie stepped right out of a painting and started walking next to me. She didn't say anything or even acknowledge my presence. I was about to ask just how the hell she did that when I reminded myself that it was Pinkie and the laws of physics didn't seem to apply around her. So I didn't say anything either.

It took a moment before I noticed that, like Twilight, she was wearing a dress. Hers was pink (shocking!) and covered in little metal pins that were shaped like cupcakes and lollipops. She also had bright red ribbons woven into her mane and tail and cookie-shaped earrings. Totally odd, but it was a perfectly natural fit for her.

After we had been walking for about three minutes (it was a really long hallway), Pinkie held up a hoof and shoved me right up to a fancy door to our right, from which came the faint noise of conversation and light music. When I didn't move to open the door, she pointed forcefully at the latch.

“What's this?” I finally asked.

“YOU LOSE!” she shouted happily and giggled like I'd just said the funniest thing ever.

“Huh? What did I lose?”

“I win! I win! I win!” she was bouncing up and down. “I win and you—”

She suddenly stopped in mid-bounce (and in mid-air about a foot off the floor) and gasped. Her ears flopped around, then her eyelids fluttered wildly, then her knees started twitching like crazy.

As I tried to remember what that particular combo meant, the door flew open and smashed right into my face. I fell to the floor with a muttered “ugh!” A bunch of stars appeared and spun around my head while a bird chirped somewhere out of sight.

“Didja find 'im, Pinkie Pie? Where is he?” came Applejack's drawl.

“Man down,” I groaned. Thankfully, my face was still more or less intact.

Applejack's head and signature hat peeked around the door. “Oh. Sorry 'bout that, sugar cube. Didn't know ya'd be right there.”

“I seem to get hurt a lot around you ponies,” I muttered to myself as I brushed myself off and stood, wincing as my leg objected once again. Applejack's dress was purple and blue—nothing fancy, but it had a subtle elegance in its modesty.

“Come on, we don't wanna keep everypony waiting!” Pinkie stepped off the air to the floor, grabbed my hand, and yanked me through the doorway.

Inside was a room decked out from floor to ceiling for a party. Not a formal party like the Grand Galloping Gala, but a Pinkie-style party. There were streamers, balloons, tables for food and drinks, party games, the whole shebang. A few ponies were quietly playing classical instruments in the corner, which added a little light music to the air. There were already about fifty or sixty guests inside, each dressed semi-formally and talking with one another.

The conversation died away and the music screeched to a stop as everypony looked at me. Mouths hung open, eyebrows shot up, and eyes went wide. Yet another “Holy shit, it's an alien!” reception.

That really irritated me. I'd just gotten used to not having that happen in Ponyville, so my patience with being gawked at was nonexistent at this point.

I just rolled my eyes, ignored them all, and headed for the nearest punch bowl. A few moments after the silence started, the talking picked back up and the music resumed, but everypony kept throwing an occasional glance my way.

“E-excuse me,” came a hesitant voice as I got myself a drink.

I turned around. The speaker was a small white earth pony colt who nervously waited for my response. He seemed to be some kind of page, though I thought that he couldn't have been more than a paragraph (/rimshot), and he had a scroll and quill for a cutie mark. (As a reminder, I really hate that phrase when it's applied to colts and stallions. Why couldn't they come up with a more masculine expression? Stud stamps, for example. In fact, I think I'll just use that.)

“Yes?” I kept my voice neutral.

The colt coughed timidly and rubbed a rear hoof against the floor. “The Princesses have requested your presence for a short private affair before the party really begins. If you would kindly follow me, I'll take you to them.”

I nodded and downed my glass of punch in a single gulp. After I set down the empty vessel, I followed him across the room and past a lot of the party attendees. They still stared, but respectfully stepped back to give us plenty of walking space.

Pinkie Pie was animatedly telling a group of wide-eyed foals about our battle from the night before. “And when that big black meanie-pants dragon started climbing up at him, he said stuff to make it even angrier like 'your mother was a hamster' and 'if you were an ice cream flavor, you'd be pralines and dick!'”

“Eww,” a blue unicorn colt with a silver horseshoe stud stamp (I'm totally going to use that from now on) stuck out his tongue. “That's disgusting! I hate pralines.”

Oh balls, did I really say that? I asked myself. And they heard me? I really need to watch my mouth more carefully.

Next to the Pin the Tail on the Pony board, Rainbow Dash—who was wearing a minimalist orange dress with golden lightning bolts stitched along the sides—was telling her own version of the fight to another bunch of fillies and colts. Their eyes were all wide as she described the dragon.

“I'm telling you, it was at least sixty feet tall. And it had five heads that all shot fire right at us! I managed to kick one of its heads right off, but it just grew two more and kept coming at us.”

Okay, at least that's not my fault.

We also passed Fluttershy and Rarity, who were hanging out and talking quietly in a corner. The former's dress was white and flowing, while the latter's was deep red and maroon with scores of small gems set in a complicated wave pattern. Neither of them noticed us go past.

The page that was leading me cracked open a large door that had the sun and moon painted on it and stuck his head through it. “Your Majesties, he's here.” He stepped back and tilted his head toward the door in the universal sign of “get in there, buddy.”

It occurred to me just as I was about to push the door all the way open that I was about to meet Princess Celestia. Real royalty. The one who moved the sun through the sky everyday. The pony version of God.

My entire thought process reverted itself to two of the most profound words known to mankind: Oh. Shit.

I quickly pulled my shirt straight, ran my fingers through my hair, and picked a speck of dust from my pants. I was just about to straighten my glasses, but the white colt got impatient. He rammed the top of his head against my ass and shoved me into the door.

Since I wasn't expecting that, the Princess of the Sun's first look at me was as I hit my face on the door and tripped over the threshold before crashing in a heap on the floor with a groan. I suppose that's one way to make an entrance.

“Are you alright?” It was Twilight, who looked down at me with concern.

“Yeah,” I picked my glasses up off the floor, put them back on, scrambled to my feet, and dusted myself off. Then I turned my eyes to Celestia.

If you've seen even one episode of the new My Little Pony (For those of you who haven't, stop reading this right now and look it up on YouTube. Also, why are you reading this in the first place?), chances are you already know what she looks like. Regardless, my first impression of her was a mixture of both the familiar and some completely new sensations.

The white alicorn dwarfed all of the other ponies that I'd seen—her eyes would have been at the same level as mine if she were standing up. Her long multicolored mane fluttered in waves from a nonexistant breeze in such a way that she usually had only one eye visible at a time. Her sun-shaped cutie mark was partially obscured by her long tail and large dove-like wings. Her tiara, chestpiece, and shoes were all made of gold and her long ivory horn tapered to a keen point.

Celestia's pink eyes were calm and full of curiosity. Like every other pony, she took in every detail of my appearance and tried to make sense of what she saw. Unlike the other ponies, her gaze seemed to go right through my skin and straight to my bones. Not my heart or my soul or my mind like you'd expect, but my bones. It felt invasive and creepy as hell, but what are you supposed to say to the Princess of the Sun when she makes you feel uncomfortable in a way that you didn't even think was possible? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Ignoring the odd sensation, I bowed. It seemed like the appropriate thing to do.

“Rise,” Celestia said evenly. It was half-command and half-request.

I stood up straight and clasped my hands behind my back with my feet close together despite the twinge of discomfort from my ankle. I'd seen enough movies to know that this was one of the few acceptable poses around nobility.

“Oh, can't you relax?” Princess Luna asked with a slightly irritated edge to her voice. I hadn't even noticed her sitting next to Celestia. “In case you hadn't noticed, we don't stand on formality if we can help it.”

“Oh. Right, sorry,” I felt the blood rush to my face as I loosened my shoulders and slouched a bit. Should've known, idiot, my brain taunted.

Celestia's raised an eyebrow in concern as if she'd just heard me berate myself. “Please, take a seat and make yourself comfortable. I'll have some tea brought in.”

Before I'd even set myself down on the offered cushion, a gray unicorn stallion (four bronze stars for his stud stamp) brought in a large tea tray and left it levitating in front of us. Luna took it upon herself to pour the drinks while Celestia took another look at my skeleton. Her neutral expression made it hard to tell what she thought of me.

Twilight cleared her throat. “So, Jesse, I was just telling Princess Celestia about how you managed to defeat the shadow dragon.”

Celestia nodded in agreement. “That was a very brave action on your part, and you have our eternal thanks for it. You nearly gave your life to slay that monster, which is not something that many of our own citizens would do.”

I dropped my eyes to my teacup. “To be perfectly honest, your majesty, jumping on its back was probably one of the stupidest things I've ever done. There had to've been a smarter way to finish off that dragon.”

“It looked fantastic,” Luna interjected. “The way that you fell and then...oh, my heart was in my throat!”

I shook my head forcefully. “That doesn't matter. One of the first things that a professional soldier learns is that you're never supposed to put yourself in danger just to be a hero and go out in a blaze of glory. You just put everyone else at risk.”

“But you're not a professional soldier,” Twilight pointed out. “You said that you had no experience at all and that it was your very first command.”

“And I must say that you did a fantastic job of it, Captain,” Luna chimed in with a smile.

Fantastic my ass, I didn't say. I shook my head again and still didn't meet their eyes. “You know, back on Earth I was seriously considering joining the military. If I'd done something that dumb in a real combat zone, you'd've had to bury what was left of me in a matchbox.”

“Do you have many wars on Earth?” Celestia asked. Her eye narrowed almost imperceptibly.

I nodded. “There's over a hundred different countries on Earth. With that many governments combined with human nature, there's always a few wars going on somewhere for some reason or other. America's always getting involved somewhere, which means that there's always a demand for new soldiers.”

I paused to sip at the strong tea. “We realized a long time ago that war is horrible. It's evil and heartbreaking, and when you've seen pictures of entire cities that have been completely destroyed and met people who've been scarred for life because of what they've seen and done...” I didn't even know how to finish the thought.

“Then why do you still have them?” Luna seemed slightly uncomfortable at the direction that the conversation was going.

I paused a moment phrase my response. “Because some things are worth fighting for. And sometimes we have no choice. Like when the shadow dragon tore into Bitsburg and went off to Fillydelphia; you don't just let anyone who attacks your cities and your people get away with it. You send out your forces to put an end to it and to protect your citizens. We've had things like that happen on Earth, too.

“For instance, there was an attack about ten years ago that we call 9/11. Early in the morning, a small group of extremists hijacked a few planes and—” I noticed that all three of them had blank stares. “Well, think of them as big metal birds that you can fit about a hundred ponies inside and fly around with engines instead of magic. Anyway, they took control of the planes and crashed them right into a pair of our tallest towers that were filled with ordinary civilians. The buildings collapsed, which ended up killing almost three thousand innocent people.”

The three ponies gasped in horror. A few seconds of silence passed as they absorbed this information.

Celestia was the first to recover enough to speak. “Why...why would they do such a horrible thing?” Her eye looked a little moist.

“They'd been taught that America was evil, and that killing any and all Americans, regardless of whether they're a threat or not, was their ticket to heaven. It's completely stupid and unreasonable, but they were brainwashed to believe it anyway. Even today, we've been fighting a war with the rest of that particular group, or at least they were when I came here. A lot of good men and women have been killed because of it so that the regular people who are just going about their ordinary lives don't have to worry about being shot in the street.

“And as horrible as 9/11 was and the current war is, we've had even worse things happen in the past. The biggest war that we've had in the last century involved about twenty different countries and over sixty million humans lost their lives.”

A full minute passed as they tried to get their jaws working again. I could see that their minds were completely boggled by just imagining so much slaughter and piles of corpses. It was impossible to tell if they felt disgust or pity. A single tear slid down Celestia's face.

Finally, Twilight got her voice back. “You...you never mentioned that before.”

Luna coughed softly. “That sounds like a very...dark world to live in.”

I shrugged. “It's complicated, to be sure. But it's not all bad; we might have some of the worst people imaginable, but there's a lot of good people on Earth too. People like Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Mother Teresa, my grandpa, the list goes on. They all tried to make the world a better place and thought that it was worth the effort.

“It's a harsh planet, but it's the only one we have. There's a lot of bad things that go on. But if you don't give up and keep looking, you can find a lot of good things that are worth living for. Eventually, you learn to be strong and keep pushing onward when the tough times come. You learn to use your head. You learn from your mistakes and the mistakes that others make. You learn to appreciate and take comfort in the little things in life that make you smile. Humans aren't always happy. A lot of us usually aren't happy, actually. But when we do find lasting happiness, it makes it feel that much better.” I shrugged again. “I'm not sure if that makes it worth the extra suffering, but that's the way it is.”

Well, that was a mouthful. I'm a pretty shitty philosopher and I wasn't quite sure where most of that rant had come from, but it felt...right. Somehow.

The lapse in the conversation stretched out again and we drank our tea quietly. It was oddly spicy and left an acidic aftertaste in my mouth.

Again, it was Twilight who broke the silence. “The way that you describe it...do you...do you even want to go back to Earth if you could? I really can't tell.”

I frowned and thought. Did I? It was my home, certainly, but I hadn't truly felt like I fit in anywhere. And everything that I'd done in Equestria had actually seemed to matter.

“I'm not sure,” I said quietly. “Maybe one day, but certainly not at the moment. Like I said, Earth isn't a very happy place, unlike here. Equestria's a real breath of fresh air, and I've actually made some friends here.”

Celestia nodded. “I suppose that living in a world such as that would become...tiring after a while. You are more than welcome to stay here as long as you wish, especially considering your actions in Fillydelphia.

“Which brings us back to the original point of interest and to something that I wanted to discuss with you. According to what Luna has told me, you all had difficulty figuring out how to attack the dragon.”

“That was my fault, actually,” Twilight said quickly. “The book that we used in Ponyville's library had some pages missing, so we didn't know that it's weak spot wasn't the obvious glowing gem. If—”

“SHIT!” The ponies all jumped in surprise, but I was too busy digging through my pockets to notice or care that I'd just sworn in front of the Princesses. “That's what I forgot! I had the jewels with me last night!”

It was only after I'd thoroughly searched every pocket twice that I remembered that the emerald and ruby were in my other pants. That always seems to be the case for some reason.

I turned to Twilight. “Do you know who undressed me last night?”

She blinked in confusion. “Huh? What do you mean?”

“When I woke up, my clothes were all gone,” I explained. “They weren't in the room, and I had the gems that the dragon dropped in my pocket.”

Twilight frowned and mumbled something to herself that I couldn't make out before raising her voice back to normal. “Don't worry about it right now; we'll find them later. Anyway, as I was saying, our book was damaged and we didn't know that it's weak spot wasn't so self-evident. If I'd had it properly maintained, we would have known to use the Elements of Harmony before the sword.”

“Is that what happened?” Celestia turned her eye back to me and gave a small smile, my outburst already forgotten. “And even with such a setback you persevered and defeated the monster. Quite admirable for a first command, I must say.”

I opened my mouth, but Luna cut me off. “We know, you had help from your friends and all that. Be that as it may, you still deserve some kind of formal recognition for your actions. You were the one who used the sword, after all.”

A frown covered my face at her mention of the sword. A few stray thoughts pulled themselves together in my head, but something didn't add up.

Celestia's smile faded as she looked at me with that invasive scanning vision again. “You have a question,” she muttered. Her tone made it clear that she was commanding me to ask it.

I finished my tea with a quick sip. “Well, I was just wondering. Luna was the one who enchanted the sword, so she definitely has the ability to take out a shadow dragon by herself. Why didn't you let her help us directly?”

Celestia frowned even more. “I'm surprised that my sister didn't ask that question herself. Jesse, are you familiar with the story of Nightmare Moon?”

Luna bristled slightly. I nodded. No sense in hearing it again for the dozenth time.

“Then you know how Luna...” she hesitated and glanced at her sister for the briefest moment imaginable. “How Luna was changed a thousand years ago. A dark and evil force warped her mind and turned her against all of Equestria. A dark and evil force like the one that allowed that abomination to exist. A force that I was afraid might have corrupted her once again.”

Luna sat up straighter. “Is that why you tried to keep me away? That's the reason that you made me swear to stay out of the library? Why you put the rest of Fillydelphia at risk?”

“Yes,” Celestia said softly and brought her head close to her sister's. “Perhaps it was foolish to believe that you were so vulnerable, but I couldn't help it. Having to banish you broke my heart in ways that words can't express. I can't bear the thought of losing you a second time.”

“I'm not helpless!” Luna snapped, then sighed and relented. “Tia, I understand why you would think that way, but that part of my life is behind me now. Nightmare Moon is dead, and I would never do anything to put you through that pain again.”

“Oh, Luna,” Celestia leaned forward to hug her sister.

As the two Princesses shared a nuzzle, Twilight and I shared a glance. Sisterly bonding time is great, but it makes everyone else in the room feel a little awkward for intruding on the moment.

After a second, the alicorns realized what had happened and broke away from each other.

Luna coughed lightly. “If that answered your question, perhaps it's time to move on with that recognition thing that I mentioned a minute ago.”

“Would you care to do the honors, Luna?”

“Of course, Tia. But if we're going to do it, we might as well do it in front of the others.” Everypony stood up and I scrambled to do the same, wondering what she meant by that. Luna lead the way back to the party room.

A blast of music greeted us as the door opened. The quiet band of before had been replaced by our friends. Rainbow Dash had somehow gotten her hooves on a guitar and strummed away for all she was worth while Applejack pounded on a small drum set and Rarity daintily played the chords (How do they do that with hooves?) on an electric keyboard. Even Fluttershy had bravely picked up a bass guitar and carefully plucked at the strings, trying her best to ignore the crowd of ponies that had gathered to listen.

“Don't stop! Believin'!” Pinkie Pie was shouting into a microphone. She was slightly off-key, but the rest of the band was playing a pretty accurate version of Journey's biggest hit.

“I don't think I've ever hear this song,” Celestia muttered as the ponies rocked the outro.

“It's from Earth,” Twilight explained. “Just one more thing that Jesse brought from home.”

The music ended a minute later and everypony bowed down to the Princesses. Once they'd all risen again, Luna stepped to the center of the room, cleared her throat, and began to speak.

“Thank you all for coming to this celebration that we have prepared. Especially since the reason for it hasn't been properly revealed yet. I'm sure that many of you have heard the stories that some of the mares who wield the Elements of Harmony have been sharing for the past half hour or so, but please allow me to briefly explain so that we all understand clearly.

“Yesterday morning, before the sun had even risen, the city of Bitsburg was attacked by a monster of pure darkness and hatred. The town was severely damaged and many ponies were killed. Our hearts go out to them and the grieving families and friends that they left behind.”

There were murmurs among the guests and a few had concerned looks on their faces. Perhaps they had friends or family that may have been affected. Once the talking had died down somewhat, Luna continued.

“The creature fled before we could retaliate and then proceeded to take refuge in Fillydelphia. After the evacuations had been arranged, it was clear that we needed help to defeat this monster, this shadow dragon. We turned to the bearers of the Elements of Harmony and a new friend of theirs who has come from another world.”

Luna gestured for me to step forward, and I did so as all eyes turned to me. I tried to keep myself from limping, but some of the ponies seemed to notice my uneven strides and whispered into their neighbors' ears. I could feel some extra blood rushing to my face.

“This is Jesse, who comes from a land called Earth. With the assistance of the bearers of the Elements, he destroyed the shadow dragon last night. I was present to witness the entire battle, so let me tell you all from my own testimony that his brash and courageous actions were what finally defeated the monster. Such a daring attack nearly claimed his life, despite the tools that we sent to aid him.

“Despite a major setback and wasted time, he never lost hope and persevered until the beast was slain at last. Moreover, his leadership skills were instrumental to their survival and ultimately their success. It is clear that the title that was temporarily given to him was well deserved. Kneel.”

The last word was directed at me, and I obeyed. Out of nowhere, the sword that I had used the night before appeared in the air and unsheathed itself. Luna's horn glowed as she levitated the silver blade until it rested on my shoulder.

“I hereby permanently bestow upon you the title of Captain, and furthermore you shall now be known as Sir Jesse the Bold, Guardian of Equestria.”

A few moments passed, then the floor shook from the onlookers' stamping applause. I looked up at Luna and tried to say something, but my tongue felt numb. After a few unsuccessful attempts at speech, I simply nodded and she nodded back with a gentle smile. The sword then pivoted in midair and she offered the handle to me.

As I stood and took the sword, Rainbow Dash flew up and landed on my shoulders. “So you're a knight now?” she said excitedly as she messed up my hair with a hoof. “That's so awesome!”

“You're practically a noble now,” Rarity added as she nuzzled my arm.

“Yay,” was all that Fluttershy had to say.

“Well, yer movin' right on up in th' world, ain'tcha?” Applejack was grinning.

I nodded, still not sure what to think of all this. One week, I told myself. I've been here for one week and I've gotten way further in life than I did in years on Earth. It was actually the eleventh day, but who's counting?

“Hey, do know what comes before Part B? PartAAAYYY!” Pinkie Pie grabbed me and threw me into the corner where the musical instruments had been abandoned, completely oblivious to the sharp sword that I could have impaled myself on. “Play some more Earth songs so we can get this thing started!”

“Yeah!” Applejack sped back to the drums and picked up the sticks (How the hell does she hold them with hooves? I asked myself). “Hey Twi', d'ya think you could use tha' fancy spell o' yers ta make us play the songs he's thinkin' of?”

“I think so,” Twilight said, deep in thought as Rainbow, Rarity, and Fluttershy also grabbed their instruments. Everypony was watching me eagerly.

I set down the sword off to the side and picked up a second guitar—a crimson stratocaster that had appeared out of nowhere. I tried to think of what song to do, but my mind was as blank as the Cutie Mark Crusaders' flanks. Just being thrown onstage without a word of warning doesn't exactly stimulate my brain.

“Uh, anypony have a request?” I asked the others, hoping for a little inspiration.

“Somethin' fast!” Rainbow said eagerly as she gave her guitar an experimental strum. Deep, growling notes came out of the speakers.

“Something poetic,” Rarity said airily. She set her hooves on the keys in a trill of quick light taps.

“Something heroic, like the battle!” Luna called out.

Fast, poetic, and heroic? Well, one band came to mind that embodied all three of those, but I couldn't...could I? I didn't know how to play any of their songs—but the magic would probably take care of that. Same thing with my lack of singing skills.

But, then again, this would be brutal. Fluttershy and Rarity would be left intact, but it would completely ruin both Applejack and Rainbow Dash! And I couldn't bring myself to do that, could I?

Actually, I could. Revenge is a bitch.

“This is a song by a human band called DragonForce,” I informed the crowd as I adjusted the microphone. They perked up with even more interest if possible; you can't take a name that badass without being totally hardcore. “It's a type of music that we call 'speed metal' on Earth.”

I nodded to Twilight, and her horn lit up with a bright purple glow. It was a shame that she wouldn't get pulled into this, but, as Meatloaf said, two out of three ain't bad.

I thought of the proper music, and the lights all dimmed to set the mood. No, I didn't choose “Through the Fire and Flames.” You can only hear a song so many times before you get sick of it. “Valley of the Damned” seemed like a better fit anyway.

A few short ghostly sounds from Rarity's keyboard filled the air, and some of the ponies glanced around nervously. Those noises raised the hairs on the back of my neck every time I heard them, and this time was no exception. The lights came back ever so slightly...

Everypony was blasted back by a sudden surge of noise and the lights flashed brightly. Rainbow was caught by surprise, but her hooves kept hitting the strings. Applejack was thrown around erratically as the sticks crashed onto the drums seemingly of their own accord in ear-pounding smacks and thunderous rolls. Fluttershy seemed to be having fun on the bass, but this was the easy part.

After a few moments, I slid my hand up the guitar's neck and started hitting the higher notes. Pinkie Pie joined with a harmonica. I hadn't planned on her being in this, but she kept up pretty good on her own and it sounded alright.

Just as everypony got comfortable with the way that the music sounded, everything changed and I was suddenly the only one playing. The lights dimmed again and I sang at the same time:

“On a cold dark winter night,

Hidden by the stormy light,

A battle rages for the right

For what will become”

The rest of the music came back in.

“In the Valley of the Damned

A warrior with sword in hand

Travels fast across the land

For freedom he rides.”

The music picked up and Applejack was being thrown around by her own hooves again. Rainbow was already breathing hard. I ignored both of them and concentrated on the song.

“And the sign from the master on high,

Screams aloud and across hear the cry

For the kingdom of fire and ice

And the power to be alive.

Be strong!

Ride on!

Carry on through the war!

Come along!

Carry on!

Living for evermore!”

Just when they thought that it couldn't get any louder and heavier, it did. The pounding shook the floor and everypony's teeth rattled in their jaws as we hit the pre-chorus.

“On the wiiings of death!

By the haaands of doom!

By the daaarkest light

From the daaarkest moon.

Crossing siiilent seas

Over mooountains high

For we stand

As one

Toniiiiight!

On the black wind forever

We ride on together

Destroying your evil

With freedom our guide.

When the master will call us

He'll stand high before us

Our hearts filled with splendor

Our swords will shine over the light!”

And so it went on for about seven minutes in total. The lights kept flashing different colors throughout, which was a little distracting but definitely made the impact even better. I really liked the way that they dimmed and then flashed when I played the solo.

Of course, Rainbow and Applejack were about ready to strangle me. They were tough ponies, but they were totally out of their league here. Even Equestrian guitars weren't designed with hooves in mind, and a lifetime of bucking apple trees wasn't ample training for becoming a drummer of this level.

Comparatively, Rarity and Fluttershy seemed to be enjoying themselves. Pinkie was still playing that harmonica, and doing a damn good job on it. Since I actually knew how the song went, I was also having a pretty good time and the pain in my fingers wasn't as bad as I had predicted it would be. I would have preferred to use a pick, but you need to make do with what you have.

Once the final chorus was sung and my wailing outro solo faded away, the lights returned to normal. The crowd stayed completely still for a moment. Their manes were all sticking out, as if they'd been electrocuted, and their mouths all hung open. It was the classic cartoony vision of minds being blown right the fuck out of their skulls. If it were any more stereotypical, there would have been an elderly pony whose dentures would fall right out of his mouth and hit the ground with an echoing clack.

And then that exact thing happened.

Then the cheering came. Lots of cheering. The crowd went wild and whooped in appreciation. All at once they started stamping their hooves and Luna shouted for a second song.

Judging by our drummer and secondary guitarist's panting and gasping for breath, another one like that wouldn't be happening any time soon. My fingers were sore and raw, but they were much worse off. Applejack had collapsed onto the snare and fought to get air into her lungs. Rainbow was rubbing her hooves together to get the circulation going again.

“That's for the trebuchet ride,” I said loudly enough for the two of them to hear over the yelling. They glanced at each other worriedly, obviously making a mental agreement to never prank me again. Or to get me back really good later. It was one of those two, anyway.

As the onlookers stomped on the floor and Applejack rubbed at her throbbing legs, I had a moment to think. One week, I thought again. A little over one week to go from a jobless nobody in the ass-end of nowhere to being a hero. And a rockstar, apparently. I had to smile at the thought.

That would probably be a good place to end this, but at that moment I noticed a white unicorn stallion in the audience. I could feel my blood pressure spike just from looking at him. His wavy amber hair (undisturbed by the music, somehow) and compass stud stamp were unmistakeable.

That asshole! I thought. What kind of person refused to spare a little common decency for a fellow pony? Hell, I'd never had any decent amount of money on Earth, but that didn't mean that I couldn't afford some manners.

A sudden thought entered my head, and, even though it was stupid and childish, it was just too good to pass up. You have to grow old, but growing up is optional. So I would play just one more prank...

“I have another song that I'd like to play,” I announced into the microphone. “A much shorter, slower song. This one is dedicated to Prince Blueblood, for how he so graciously entertained my good friend Rarity when she was here for the Grand Galloping Gala.”

I heard Rarity gasp behind me, but she was cut off as Pinkie shoved a trumpet into her hooves. She also replaced Rainbow's guitar with a trombone and took another one for herself. I had no clue where she got them or how she knew that we needed them for the song, but it was Pinkie Pie. You just can't explain her.

The prince had raised an eyebrow and the rest of the crowd waited impatiently while Twilight worked her spell again. Equestria was about to discover ska.

The song started with the brass instruments, followed by a quick roll from Applejack's drums. Prince Blueblood had a smug grin on his lips and nudged a silver-coated mare that was next to him, raising his brow suggestively. Yeah, I get my own song from the human, he was saying without words.

I was about to make that cockiness evaporate.

“I wrote this song about you,” I sang as I strummed the guitar in an upbeat rhythm.

“I wrote this song about you.

Just to let you know

That I hate your guts

And I think

You suck.”

There were gasps and a few snickers from the crowd. The Blueblood's mouth dropped open in shock, but I concentrated on singing the chorus again as the other instruments came back in.

“I wrote this song about you.

I wrote this song about you.

Just to let you know

That I hate your guts

And I think

You suck.

I hate the way you look,”

“You make me sick,” the entire crowd joined in, captured by Twilight's enchantment.

“I hate the way you talk.”

“I wanna punch you in the face.”

“I can't stand you at all!”

“You drive me insane!”

“Why won't you go

Away-ay-ay-ay?

I wrote this song about you.

I wrote this song about you.

Just to let you know

That I hate your guts

And I think

You suck.”

The music suddenly swelled to a dramatic crescendo.

“This is your song!” I was yelling into the mic.

“Congratulations!

You're the inspiration!

I hate you so much!

You're why I wrote this song!

Congratulations!

You're immortalized!

I hate you so much,

I hope you fuckin' DIIIIIIE!”

As the last note faded away, I noticed that the prince was gone. He must have slipped away at some point. Yeah, that's what I thought. Run and hide, you little shit.

Despite the fact that I had just shouted an obscenity and insulted a member of the royal family, there was a lot of applause. Even Princess Celestia was unsuccessfully trying to hide a smile and Luna was clopping her hooves in giddy delight. Apparently the prince wasn't all that popular around the palace.

There was a lot more music that went on that day and into the night, but I let the ponies handle it. It was a great party that I won't bother describing. Use your imagination.

Also, imagine that this chapter had something impressive and meaningful to end with, because I can't think of anything. Insert your own ponified commercial or something.

Pt. 8 (Decisions & Afterword)

“As for me, all I know is that I know nothing. And that ponies are awesome.” — Socrates

I sighed tiredly and stared out over the dark countryside that surrounded the city of Canterlot. Since it was perched high on the side of a mountain, I could see miles of rolling hills that stretched out to the horizon and the lights of Ponyville gleamed in the distance. The trees had all turned from dark green to yellow and orange in the past twenty-four hours.

I really wished that I had a cigarette and a few slugs of whiskey, which was weird because I don't smoke and I don't drink anything stronger than Dr Pepper (yes, apparently there are college students in California who don't get shitfaced every night and I'm one of them). Instead, I sipped at a goblet of cold fruit punch and tried to think. Doing that wasn't easy for some reason, and I was starting to get a headache.

The party had dragged on through the entire day and was still going strong behind me. Luna had excused herself to raise the moon about two hours ago. The entire time, I had been bombarded by ponies who wanted to shake my hand, congratulate me on my new title, and ask questions about Earth. I didn't really mind, and even shared a few personal stories and interesting tidbits, but it's not easy to keep it up for so long.

I heard quiet hoofsteps come up behind me and turned to see who it was this time. Probably another foal who wanted to hear about the shadow dragon for the third time. Or maybe one of the big-shot music ponies asking to get together and make some records of Earth songs.

It turned out to be Rarity, actually. She stepped out onto the balcony beside me and looked over the railing.

“It's beautiful, isn't it?” she said with that musical accent of hers. “I always love to look at the stars when they come out.”

I nodded but kept quiet. Something in my gut told me that I wasn't going to like what was coming. Sometimes I hate being right.

Rarity gently laid a hoof on my shoulder. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” I muttered. “I'm just a little worn out. And still sore from yesterday.”

She nodded sympathetically. “That reminds me, I never did get around to telling what I wanted to say before you ran up the stairs in the library. Jesse...I feel that you and I—”

I turned and looked her right in the face. “Sorry, Rarity, but I know what you're going to say and it just won't work out.” I'm not one to beat around the bush when it comes to unpleasant news.

She drew back as if I'd just slapped her. “Whatever do you mean? Of course it could, why wouldn't it?”

“We're from two different species for starters,” I said a little more harshly than I'd intended to.

She huffed. “In case you haven't noticed, nopony's ever objected to Spike's advances toward me on that basis. His age is an obstacle, certainly, but interspecies relationships are not frowned upon in Equestria.”

“They are on Earth,” I shot back, then took a deep breath and tried a slightly different route. “Look, you're a beautiful mare and I'm just some schmuck from California. You should settle down with a suitable stallion, have a few foals, and raise a happy family. Isn't that what you want?”

Rarity rolled her eyes. “I've had dozens of suitable stallions approach me, and none of them has captured my fancy. The only one of the lot that I ever felt something for turned out to be the most worthless, spoiled lout in all the land. But you knew about that already, somehow.

“No, the stud that I desire is a rugged individual. He is educated, stalwart, clever, creative, and willing to put the needs of others before his own. He perseveres when all hope is lost, yet knows how to enjoy himself when appropriate. He does not hide his faults and failings, but strives to succeed in spite of them. He withheld nothing when Trixie captured me and put her in her place. He has defeated Diamond Dogs and a shadow dragon, not for the boasting and glory, but out of loyalty to his friends. He is you, and you alone.”

“Well, uh, that's all fine and dandy,” I said, genuinely touched that she felt that way. I was starting to feel bad about turning her down. “But I'm not willing to start a relationship with you. End of discussion. It'll just end in tears, I know it.”

“Would you deny us both this love?” Her blue eyes sparkled in the moonlight and she took another step toward me. “I felt something for you the instant that our eyes met outside the spa, and that feeling has only grown stronger in the days since. And I know that you feel the same way toward me, deep inside your heart. It's there, even if you're unwilling to admit it to yourself. You've put hints of it in the music that you've made since your arrival. You took it upon yourself to chastise the prince for his behavior toward me, and before that were the songs that you chose during the chariot ride to Fillydelphia. I know that I am the one that that song was meant for, the one about dancing the night away by that 'Van Halen' group of yours.”

“You mean the one that's about a stripper?”

“A what?” She frowned as she tried to figure out what that was, then shrugged and put on a coy smile. “I'm not sure what that means, but yes. If it makes you happy, I want to be your stripper.”

“No, you really don't,” I assured her. I couldn't help but get a certain mental image that belongs in the darkest, most depraved corners of the internet when she said that.

Rarity still seemed completely unfazed by my objections and stepped even closer. “Won't you please at least give me a chance? Even if you don't want me to be your stripper, can't I at least be your fillyfriend? I've already made these for us.”

She pulled two golden necklace chains out of a pocket that was hidden somewhere on her dress. From each chain dangled a small gem encased in a band of gold. One was a ruby and the other was an emerald.

“I remember what you said to the Diamond Dogs about selling jewelery in a second store. While that might not happen, I made these earlier just for us.” She looped the emerald one over her neck and levitated the other into my hand.

I brought the ruby up to my face to get a better look. The blood-red gem caught the light and its facets threw crimson reflections around in all directions. “Are these the gems that came from the dragon?”

She beamed. “The very same. Now you'll have a little something to point to whenever you tell the story of our battle. And to remind you of me whenever I'm not around.”

I fixed her with a hard glare until her smile faded away and her ears drooped. “The same gems that I had in my pocket last night?”

Rarity suddenly looked horrified and took a quick step back, but then she recovered and put on a less-than-convincing smile. “Why yes, I did find them in your pocket. But don't you think that this is a good use for them? What else would you use them for? Would you prefer a ring instead?”

“Why did you take my clothes off?” I demanded. “You didn't need to do that to get to them, did you?”

She swallowed hard and hung her head. “No, I didn't need to. But...you see, Sweetie Belle talked about when she saw you in the spa after Pinkie's peppers made you sick. I suppose I let my curiosity got the better of me.”

“Is that so?” I gave a frustrated sigh and set the necklace on the balcony's railing. “Goddammit, I knew it was a bad idea to get undressed in front of those fillies. Did you put a spell on me so that I wouldn't wake up when you did that? And...” I sighed again. Even in my anger, I felt really bad about asking the next question.

But it had to be done. “And did you let something else get the better of you while you had me unconscious?”

Rarity threw her head back up and stared straight into my face. Her blue eyes were narrowed in fury and brimming with moisture. “Of course not! I would never even consider such a shameful action! How could you think so little of me?”

I had to fight off the intense guilt that filled my gut as I watched the angry tears roll down her cheeks. Sure, I just made her cry, I told myself. But I had every right to ask those questions. Plus, that's one way to sabotage this relationship thing before it can get started.

“Well, this isn't going to work out,” said another voice from somewhere below the balcony. It startled Rarity so badly that she yelped and jumped right into my arms Scooby-Doo-style. She was a lot lighter than I would have expected for a pony, but her grip on my neck was like iron.

Princess Luna flew up into view and stepped over the railing to land gracefully on the balcony. She was wearing a smirk for some reason. “Since you're obviously not meant for each other, I suppose that makes him available. Dibs!”

I was not prepared for this at all. Now she was suddenly interested in me too? My highly composed response was as elegant as it was simple:

“...The fuck?”

Luna collected herself and strode forward with a fluid bounce in her hips. “I couldn't help but overhear your discussion,” she said much more formally. “It is clear that the two of you have too many issues that will make a successful relationship impossible, so I wish to take this moment to declare my own eligibility and point out yours, Jesse. No doubt you would like to extend a desire to become my beau, and I wholeheartedly accept. Although I must say that we need to discuss your language.”

“Whoa whoa whoa, hold up! Since when have you...why would...I don't...the fuck?” In case it's not clear, my mind locked up at that point. I hate it when that happens.

“You know, you're cute when you're flustered,” Luna giggled to herself. “Just say yes, dear, and don't bother yourself with a doomed union.”

Rarity, who was still in my arms, clung to me even tighter than she had at first. Her ire and shame of just moments ago seemed to melt away and was replaced with pure affection and a hint of desperation. “Do you truly believe that a single argument makes our love an unattainable fantasy? True love conquers all obstacles thrown at it, especially when they come from the couple themselves. And in any case, what qualifies you to judge whether we are suitable or not?”

Luna tossed her shiny mane back haughtily. “Besides being the Princess of the Moon? I'm thousands of years old, so I think I know a thing or two about how life and love go.”

“And you just spent an entire millennium on your moon,” Rarity spat back. “What could you possibly learn about love there?”

Luna's eyes flashed white with anger. “You dare to mock me? Clearly this human deserves to be with somepony who is wise enough to think before she speaks ill of her superiors! Do you even have the ability to appreciate his qualities?”

“I've already told him why I love him so,” Rarity paused to nuzzle my neck. “He and I will be together forever, and nothing that you do can prevent it! Isn't that right, darling?”

Luna narrowed her still-white eyes. “Do you really believe that I will just take your refusal and leave like that? He will be mine!”

“Do I get a say in this?” I cut in, pretty annoyed at the whole situation. Now I had two psycho almost-girlfriends fighting over me? I'd never been that popular on Earth.

Rarity looked at me with those enormous blue eyes. “Of course you do. I won't selfishly decide for you, unlike somepony.” She glared at Luna for a split second before turning back to me.

I sighed and set her down on her hooves gently. I didn't have a whole lot of options and my head was pounding, which made it difficult to think. But I forced my brain to start working again and decided that the best course of action would be to lie my ass off in such a way that neither of them could pursue the issue any further. I'm sure that even Applejack knows that there are times when the truth is not an option.

Just as I was about to say that I was gay (the ultimate lie to get out of this kind of situation), Princess Celestia stepped out onto the balcony.

“What's going on out here?” she asked curiously.

“Your Highness,” Rarity said quickly as she bowed. “Sir Jesse and I desire a union and wish to have your blessing.”

“No!” Luna stepped up to her sister. “Tia, it is I that he desires. Give your blessing to us!”

“Do I get a say in this?” I repeated in exasperation as the pain in my head grew steadily worse.

A few more ponies were staring out through the door to see what all the commotion was. Rainbow Dash actually shoved a few other pegasi out of the air to get a decent view.

Celestia's eye flicked between each of us and that weird x-ray feeling returned whenever it was pointed at me. She seemed to be about as confused as I was.

“Threesome!” Pinkie Pie shouted merrily from the doorway.

“Wha—No! Do you even know what that means?” I shouted with a facepalm. My headache was rapidly approaching migraine levels.

“Everypony calm down,” Twilight said as she pushed her way through the crowd. “What's all the yelling about?”

I rubbed furiously at my temples as my skull threatened to split in half and spray my brains all over the onlookers. “These two both want me to be their boyfriend for some reason. I don't...ugh...I...ow, Jesus...ARGHH!”

The pain grew to unbearable levels. I clutched at my head and sank to my knees. I was dimly aware that Rarity and Luna were both gaping at me in surprise, but I wasn't paying much attention to anything other than my own agony.

My vision started flashing random colors, so that one moment everything was green, then switched to red, then brown, green again, orange, and so on. My other senses started going haywire as well, with weird smells in my nose, a sharp ringing in my ears, the taste of vinegar in my mouth, and I swear that I felt things touching my skin that simply didn't exist.

Fuck! I somehow managed to think. These ponies gave me a fucking aneurysm!

A neon blue Twilight was violently shaking me by the shoulders and yelling something, but everything went black before I could figure out what she was trying to say.

* * * * *

The first thing that I was aware of was the pounding in my head. It felt like my brain was bashing itself against the inside of my skull. It wasn't quite so bad as before, but “not as bad” isn't the same as “good.”

I groaned and sat up groggily. The lights were too bright, and it took my eyes a few seconds to adjust. The air smelled weird, like someone had hung one of those tacky tree-shaped air fresheners under my nose.

After a moment, I could actually see my surroundings. I was in a small medical bed in a tiny square room. A single unremarkable door sat in the corner. The walls were all white and there were no windows. The only decoration was a small mirror that hung on one of the side walls.

I froze when I saw my reflection. That couldn't be right. My features were the same, but my hair was way too long and my beard was spread evenly across my entire face instead of my sharp mustache and goatee. It looked like I hadn't washed my face in a week.

I pulled my gaze away and noticed a short table next to the bed. On it was a small vase of flowers and a digital clock that read 10:33 am. There was also a blank notepad and a pencil, but that—

Wait a moment. I looked back at the clock. Ponies don't have digital stuff. What the hell?

The door opened with a squeak. I leaned forward and squinted at whoever was coming in. Was it Twilight, who would have some sort of explanation for what was going on? Was it a concerned Rarity? Some doctor pony?

Actually, it was a man. A human man with a white lab coat. Curly red hair and a thin mustache. A clipboard in his hand. A cross between professional interest and amusement on his face.

“So you're finally awake,” he said simply.

I tried to get my jaw working. Why is there another human here? Where are the others? Where am I? What's going on?

“...The fuck?” That seemed like a good way to ask every question at once.

He pulled a pen out of his coat pocket and made a quick note on his clipboard. “So you don't know. I'm not really surprised.”

“What's that s'posed to mean?” I demanded. “Where am I?”

“This is the Aurora Psychiatric Hospital in Sacramento,” the man said slowly. “You've been here for four days now.”

“What? You...that's not...I'm...” I swung my legs out of the bed and stood up. It was then that I noticed that I was wearing a battered black t-shirt and faded pants. The same clothes that I'd been wearing when Twilight's spell had pulled me into Equestria.

“Sit down or I'll have you sedated,” he glowered seriously. “We get violent patients all the time, so don't even think about doing anything stupid. You won't like what the nurses will do to you.”

“Alright, fine,” I sat back down on the bed. “Just what the hell happened? What's the date?”

“September sixth,” he said. “Like I—”

“Bullshit!” I snapped. “That can't be right! I've been gone for more than a week, so it's...it's...” I tried to do the math in my head, but my brain didn't feel like cooperating. “Well, it's gotta be later than that!”

The man made another note. “More than a week, huh? Sounds like your sense of time's been screwed up as well. Now, do you want some answers or not?”

I bit my tongue and nodded. He consulted his clipboard again. “As I said before, you've been here for the past four days. You were conscious but unresponsive when your parents admitted you. MRI scans indicated hyperactivity in your neocortex and hippocampus, along with decreased activity in your thalamus.”

“Uh...English?”

He sighed and crossed his arms. “The imagination center of your brain went into overdrive and your outside senses stopped working. So you've been perceiving whatever it is your mind created instead of reality. Basically, you've been stuck in your own head for a while.”

“You're saying that everything I've seen and done lately has just been happening inside my mind? ” I challenged. “Now that's definitely bullshit. Hollywood-level bullshit.”

The man shook his head slowly. “Why do my patients always have to make this so difficult? Look, you developed a delusional psychosis from a chemical imbalance and we administered anti-psychotic drugs to set your brain right. Everything's fine now and we can discharge you after we finish our report.”

“I still don't believe you,” I huffed. “I've been busy as hell for the past couple of days. Saving the world and all that.”

He snorted. “And you say that I'm the one full of bullshit? What world have you been in, anyway?”

I was about to sneer back when it hit me. Magic. Ponies. Dragons. Impossible physics. In retrospect, that did sound like the ramblings of a psycho. Nevermind that it was the truth, just talking about it wouldn't exactly help my case.

So I steered the discussion in a different direction. “Well, Doc, could you expand on what you're saying? Is there some other case like this to help make it clearer?”

He nodded. “Yes, actually. Have you ever heard of Miguel de Cervantes?”

“Rings a bell,” I tried to think of where I'd heard that name before, but my mind still fought back.

“He wrote a book called Don Quixote. It's about an old man who thinks he's a knight. He ends up attacking a windmill because it looks like a giant to him. Sound familiar?”

I nodded. I'd heard about that before.

“His fantasy overcame his perception of reality. Perhaps it was a chemical imbalance in his brain or maybe there was a disconnect with his neurons. Anyway, that's what happened with you, only you weren't moving around, thank God. Now what exactly did you see?”

“Huh?”

He fixed me with an irritated look. “Son, this needs to go in the report. Either cooperate with me or you can forget about getting released any time soon.”

“Paging Nurse Ratched,” I said sarcastically.

He just tapped his pen against his clipboard impatiently.

* * * * *

I ended up talking for a few hours. I spoke about Equestia, my adventures, my inventions, and my friends. Even more had happened during my time in the ponies' world than I'd thought, and I hadn't ever taken the time to sit down and reflect on it all.

The doctor sat on a stool and took notes as I told my story. He seemed to be holding back snickers for most of it, which was pretty irritating. Try talking to someone who is actively attempting to convince you that your memories of the past week are nothing more than a passing illusion, even if they aren't laughing at you, without being annoyed. You just can't do it.

Although I guess I shouldn't have been too surprised at his response. If I had to hear some nineteen-year-old guy go on about how he'd visited a world of ponies and single-handedly turned it on its head, I'd probably be a little skeptical too. Actually, that's a lie. I'd have thought he was either retarded or seriously deranged.

Even worse, I started to have doubts too. As I got to the part about the Diamond Dogs' mine, it really started to sound like a bad fever dream. One guy taking out two giant dogs? And a single bomb flooding the place?

But just because it sounded weird didn't mean it couldn't be true, right?

On to the magic show. Okay, so making functional gunpowder with unrefined minerals and a working pistol out of scrap was a bit of a stretch. I'm pretty sure that the Mythbusters did something with that at some point and said that it was really unlikely.

But not impossible! Right?

The shadow dragon. Jumping off a balcony and hoping for a successful Sonic Rainboom (he actually snorted when I called it that) was stupid, sure, but it was just crazy enough that it could actually work.

I mean, it did work! Right? Right?

After I finally finished, the doctor or psychiatrist or whatever the hell he was continued to make notes for a few minutes. Then he cleared his throat loudly.

“Well, this has been...interesting to say the least. I think I've found a few things that can help explain why your mind created this 'Equestria' place.”

“I didn't make it up,” I growled, but that sounded feeble even to me.

He ignored my comment. “These characters that you saw all seem to be projections of your own subconscious. Six of them in particular stand out. The first one that you found—this 'Twilight Sparkle,' is it?—appears to be an extension of your desire to learn, as well as your antisocial tendencies.”

“I'm not antisocial!” I shot back angrily.

“According to what your parents said, you spent all summer in your room. And you never hung out with anyone else. In fact, they couldn't name a single friend of yours.”

That stung. I didn't say anything to that, so he consulted his notes again and kept talking.

“Now, this pegasus,” he paused to wipe the smirk off his face. “Fluttershy—they all have odd names, but that one takes the cake—is part of your withdrawn and quiet nature. It seems that you were much more active during this delusion than usual, but your parents assured me that you're normally very unmoving and reserved. So perhaps you projected what you see as a negative trait onto another being.”

Again, I was silent.

“Rainbow Dash, you said? She seems to be much more outgoing and unrestrained. Not held back by anything, completely carefree. Do you feel trapped by your life? Don't you just wish that you could fly away and enjoy yourself?”

My hands curled into fists, but he was too busy with his clipboard to notice.

“Pinkie Pie; you're not happy, are you? You don't laugh very often, do you? You want a little enjoyment out of life and to have a little fun. To let your hair down and be sociable. But you can't, can you?

“Applejack is a manifestation of your desire to find work and support yourself instead of leeching off your family. She also has a close bond with her sister, whereas you are emotionally distant from your relatives. Don't you wish that that would change?”

I could feel my blood boiling.

“And finally Rarity. You haven't gotten laid recently, have you?”

That was unexpected. “Huh? What?” I blinked in surprise.

He made another note. “I noticed the way that you described her. Pent-up sexual frustration, as Freud would say. Your mother confided in me that you haven't had a girlfriend since high school. You're now at a point in your life when you're expected to be partying and having drunken orgies in a bathroom stall. No wonder you'd want a little romance in your life, so she's your outlet for that.”

That did it. I stood back up and pointed my finger right at his eye.

“She's not just a vagina on legs, you cock-guzzling son of a bitch!” I snapped. “And they aren't just figments of my imagination! They're my friends, dammit!”

He held up his hands in a mockingly gesture of pacification and smirked. “If you say so, kid. Keep telling yourself that your precious little ponies are still out there.”

I was very tempted to punch him right in the face. I even tried to, but something held me back. Something at the back of my mind tethered my fist to my side and kept me from mauling the ever-loving shit out of him.

I suddenly felt very tired. I sat back on the bed and massaged my temples. The headache had never gone away completely, but it was getting worse again.

The doctor made another note and then stood up. “I'll need to review this report with a few of my colleagues, then we'll discuss any additional treatment and your release. The door will be locked, but there's a button on the side of the mattress if you need any kind of assistance. Have a nice day.”

I didn't look up until the door shut with a metallic click. Then I glanced at the clock again. 2:25 pm. I should have been hungry by then, but my stomach felt like it was full of sawdust.

I sighed heavily. Alone again. Normally, I would have taken comfort in solitude. Being by myself usually makes me feel better.

But not then. In that room, I just felt lonely. Lonely and helpless. Helpless and unhappy. Unhappy and unloved.

No, I didn't start crying. If there was ever a time in my life when I could have cried and not cared if the whole world knew about it, that was it. But the tears didn't come. Which only made me feel even more depressed.

Maybe it was just a fantasy, I thought, then immediately my anger flared again, this time at myself. Of course it wasn't! How could I even consider the possibility? That doc's full of shit, that's all! What the fuck does he know?

That was just a pitiful excuse to blame this all on him, and I knew it. And I had to admit that some of what he'd said made sense. Twilight was just as bookish as I was, I did want to be happy like Pinkie and outgoing like Rainbow, and I normally was about as withdrawn as Fluttershy. But a few coincidences didn't necessarily mean anything, did they?

Of course not! I was thrust into a new world, filled with tons of new things, so a few similarities were bound to...

Wait. But that...oh. Shit.

Well, that settles it.

You see, my thoughts had taken a bit of a detour. “New world” had lead to the Pilgrims. You know how it goes: Spring showers bring May flowers, Mayflowers bring Pilgrims, and Pilgrims bring smallpox. It was the smallpox that made me pause and reconsider everything.

You should know that the Americas were already inhabited when the first settlers from Europe arrived. Hundreds of tribes who wouldn't just pack up and leave their land to the white conquerors. Just the tribes on the East coast outnumbered the European arrivals several thousand to one. Didn't you ever wonder how they natives didn't manage to keep the newcomers out?

Sure, you could point out that it took multiple tries to set up successful colonies and how the Europeans had guns, but the correct answer in this case is smallpox. Since the Native Americans had never encountered that particular disease, their bodies were unprepared and it ripped them a new asshole. They died by the millions.

So, what does this have to do with the ponies? Well, take a look at your hand. There are millions of bacteria on it right now, some of which could cause a potentially fatal infection if you had an open cut or if they made their way into your mouth. Feel free to go wash your hands now. And your keyboard while you're at it, since you've been touching it with those same hands.

Now, my hands had a similar amount of germs and bacteria. Bacteria that must have spread to the ponies. Bacteria that caused illnesses that the ponies had never encountered before.

Yet not one of them had gotten sick. No new diseases had spread to my friends and they hadn't given any to me.

It's like what happens at the end of The War of the Worlds when the Martian invaders all died from the common cold. Only, in this case, it was a lack of that happening. And the odds of that, in proper scientific speech, are exactly a fuckton and a half squared to one.

So what did this mean? It meant that I'd been trying to prove that two plus two equals seven, and just then discovered new evidence that proved that I'd been counting wrong all along.

That pissed me off.

I turned to the mirror again. I didn't like the way I looked. I looked like a loser. A lonely loser who'd had to invent his own friends because he couldn't make any real ones.

That pissed me off even more.

Crash!

My hand hurt. I looked down at it and was surprised to see shards of glass sticking out of my knuckles. I didn't remember telling my legs to carry me across the room or making my arm swing my fist into the mirror. My hand started bleeding.

I sighed again and sat back on the bed. My head was hurting again. I rubbed at my temples again, but that didn't seem to help.

“Jesse?” came a small but familiar voice. Twilight's voice.

I looked around quick enough to give myself a whiplash. Where was she? Oh, God, please don't be coming from inside my head.

Actually, she was in the mirror. My blow had broken the glass into six big pieces, and Twilight, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie were each looking out of one of them.

You know what, that didn't help at all. That's how some crazy people in TV shows see their hallucinations—just reflections in a mirror.

“My goodness, what's happened to you?” Rarity asked. She obviously meant it to be a question of concern, but at the moment it sounded just like an accusation.

“I found the truth,” I spat. “You're not real, so quit bugging me.”

“What th' hay is that s'posed ta mean?” Applejack asked.

“Yeah, get over here!” Rainbow urged. “Let's figure out a way to get you the hell outta here and back to Equestria.”

“You mean back inside my own head? Not gonna happen.”

Flutterhsy looked confused. “Twilight, what's he talking about?”

It was Pinkie who happily answered that question. “Well, he was talking to that psycho doctor guy about us. So now he thinks he's loco in the coco and we're figments of his imagination. Which is weird, because I thought that I was real this morning!”

As if I needed any more proof. “How did she know that?” I sneered at of the rest of the ponies. “How could she know about the doctor when she wasn't there? Unless she's part of my mind and can access my memories.”

“It's Pinkie Pie. How d'ya explain anythin' she does?” Applejack drawled.

“And that's another thing! Half the stuff that Pinkie does is physically impossible! I don't know why I didn't realize it before, but none of that could have happened.” I'm not sure what came over me, but I was feeling like they'd all betrayed me somehow.

“Calm yourself,” Rarity pleaded. “You're not insane. You're just—”

“Insane? Who said anything about being insane? I'm not insane!” Yes, there was just a trace of hysteria in my voice when I said that.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Rainbow demanded. “You're not acting like yourself. What did that doctor do to you? He took your brain out, didn't he?”

I shook my head. “He didn't do anything. He just let me see for myself what had happened. That I'd lost touch with reality. Well, it's time for me to wake up and smell the coffee. And you girls aren't a part of that.”

Pinkie didn't seem upset at my outburst. “You just need a little cheering up! I know, we'll have a party! That'll make you feel better.”

“Fuck your parties, and fuck you!” I growled, then immediately wished that I hadn't. “Wait, I didn't—”

But the damage was done. Tears welled up in Pinkie's eyes and her ears dropped. Her lip quivered for a moment, then she took off running out of the mirror and out of sight while her mane deflated into a lifeless heap.

“Oh no,” Fluttershy flew after the pink pony and disappeared as well.

“What'd you do that for?” Rainbow asked angrily. “If you wanna pick a fight, come get a piece of me!”

“What are you gonna do, make the wind mess up my hair?” I taunted. “When was the last time you did something useful?”

“I saved your ass!” she shot back. “Does a certain trebuchet ring any bells?”

“My ass wouldn't've needed saving if you hadn't tried to send it into orbit!" I cupped a hand to my ear and leaned forward. "What's that? I couldn't hear you, 'cause your mane's too loud!”

She was fuming. “Nopony makes fun of my mane! Just wait 'til I get my hooves on you, you prick—”

Applejack pulled Rainbow Dash out of the mirror by her tail, despite the pegasus' attempts to fly out and throttle me. The earth pony flashed me a death glare as she too disappeared form view.

You know what? Venting my frustration like that didn't make me feel any better. It made me feel like a jackass. I don't like feeling like a jackass.

Only Rarity and Twilight were left, and they both looked genuinely terrified by my behavior. That didn't help either. If anything, it made me feel even angrier. Why was my own imagination scared of me?

“P-please, Jesse,” Rarity begged. “Please get yourself under control. You're better than this. I know you are. I've seen your strength and—”

“You saw a lot of stuff in me,” I cut her off. “A most of it isn't really there. Let's face it, I suck.”

“No you don't!” she insisted quickly. “And putting yourself down like that won't make it true, either. You are and always will be my white knight!”

“No, I'm just a white guy. You know what, Rarity? You're fooling yourself just like I was. You think that I'm your perfect boyfriend, but how do you explain what just happened? If I was that great, would I have driven the others away like that? Well?”

Rarity helplessly looked to Twilight. “They've destroyed his mind! Please, get him out of here before they can...I don't know, do something worse!”

Twilight shook her head sadly. “We shouldn't bring him back to Equestria if he doesn't want to come.”

“But he doesn't know what he's saying! Once he's back to normal, he'll be thanking us for rescuing him from this horrible place!” Rarity turned back to me desperately. “Please, Jesse, come back! I love you! We all love you! Please!”

I paused to think for just a second while Rarity pleaded and Twilight glanced between us uncertainly. Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you know that your decision will affect how the rest of your life turns out? Take the red pill, take the blue pill. If you haven't been in one of those moments, let me assure you that they suck balls.

On the one hand, Equestria was a dream come true. It wasn't perfect, but it was a hell of a lot more bearable than Earth. There were new things to learn and old things to teach. My actions had meaning there. Things in general were less complicated. I had friends.

On the other hand...

I shook my head. “No. I can't live in a world that's not real.”

Rarity began to speak again, but Twilight cut her off with a horn prod and a shake of her head. The unicorns both stepped out of the mirror's frame and away from me. Rarity gave me a final look before she disappeared, and that tragic, tearful glance burned itself into my memory. Then they were gone.

I waited to see if they would reappear or make any kind of sound, but nothing happened. The broken mirror just sat there on the wall, completely devoid of life except for my reflections.

After a few seconds of silence had passed, I looked at the clock again. 2:31 pm. That was a really short time to go from being absolutely convinced to slightly doubtful to full-on denial.

Perhaps I should have been happy that I'd chosen to face the truth, but happiness was the last thing on my mind at the moment. It didn't feel like I'd accomplished anything at all.

What I did feel was guilt and remorse. Try to imagine how bad you would feel if you purposefully punched your best friend in the face and could never tell him or her why you did it. Then multiply it by ten. That's about how bad I felt.

I was exhausted. My energy was totally gone from arguing with the ponies. Or with myself, rather. Either way, I felt way more tired than I should have after being awake for only four hours.

Before the clock changed to 2:32, I was asleep again. My dreams were weird and indistinct, but the ponies were there. I found myself chasing after them, but they ran away before I could catch up. No matter how fast I ran towards the colorful equines, I was always left behind in the dreary darkness.

Alone.

* * * * *

“Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.” — Mark Twain (unaltered)

* * * * *

Afterword

Thank you all for sticking with me and reading on as this fanfic derailed itself into a tangled mess. I'm pretty sure that you have some questions, so let me address those first:

Holy crap, what just happened in this part?

A conclusion to the first story, that's what. Yes, the first. I already have some ideas for the sequel, which will begin some time in the next few weeks. And yes, it will have ponies.

Is the narrator really you or another character that you made up?

I plugged myself right into the story and followed whatever decisions I would make in a given situation, with a few tweaks here and there to help the narrative move along smoothly and make it a bit more interesting. Like jumping off the balcony to grapple with the shadow dragon, because who in their right mind would seriously consider doing that? Call it pandering to my ego if you want (okay, that's pretty much exactly what it is), but keep in mind that you shouldn't take this thing too seriously anyway. I'm just some random douchebag from California, remember?

How could you reject Rarity like that? What gives?

Putting aside all notions of bestiality, there's still the issue of pedophilia. I'm not really sure how old the ponies are supposed to be, but they're definitely too young at this point. Even with the massive amount of shipping fiction, they're just not mature enough. Sure, Luna was interested too, but that's another can of worms entirely.

Also worth noting is that they're all cartoon characters. I'm not a cartoon character, and I'm pretty confident that you aren't either. Imagine for a moment that you have a sister and she tells you one day that she's going steady with Spongebob Squarepants. Actually, that might be a bad example because that would be fucking awesome. (Hey look! A pun!) But I think you know what I mean.

How did you come up with the idea for this fanfic?

I was partially inspired by a few other Human in Equestria stories, namely “Through the Eyes of Another Pony” and “Adventures in Equestria.” I also drew inspiration from Mark Twain's A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court (note the similarity of the titles and the reference in the previous chapter) and the movie Army of Darkness. Eventually, those pieces all came together and I turned the resulting thoughts into the story that you just read.

You're a dick.

That's not really a question. Duly noted anyway.

Now that we've got those all answered, on to the acknowledgments!

Special thanks to the team who brought us My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, including Lauren Faust, Chris Bartleman, James “Wootie” Wotton, and the rest. I highly doubt that any of them will ever read this, but if for some reason they do, let me just say that the show is absolutely incredible and I'm really looking forward to the rest of season 2 and beyond.

Also, a massive wave of thanks to websites such as FIMFiction and Equestria Daily, as well as the amazing online brony fandom in general. Who would think that a cartoon for little girls could bring about so many awesome things?

Finally, a very special thank-you to you, the reader. As of this writing, my story has over twelve thousand total views—that's about fifteen thousand more than I'd been expecting—and the responses have been overwhelmingly positive. Without you, this thing wouldn't exist.

If I had to use a metaphor to describe what you all are to me, I'd say that you're like a bunch of meat and my story is two slices of bread. Bread is alright, but it's not really a sandwich until it has little pieces of dead animals in the middle. If you don't like that metaphor, refer back to the last question that I addressed.

Until next time, BROHOOF!!!

(Also, start using “stud stamp” instead of “cutie mark” when it's a male pony. It's a pet peeve of mine, and I will use my 1337 int3rn3t p0w3rz to exert my will over yours!)

Pt. 1.5 (The Rest of the Introduction)

“Be not afraid of greatness, but rather increase your coolness by a full fifth.” — William Shakespeare, Twelfth Night, II, v.

Continued from part one...

Rather than heading back to the library, Twilight took a different street into town. “Where are we going now?” I asked as the curious ponies began to pop out and stare at me again. There were more of them than before, and just feeling their gazes made my skin itch.

“If we hurry to the spa, we can meet up with two more of my friends before they leave.” Twilight kept trotting along as if the onlookers didn't exist. Was it even possible that she wasn't seeing them? Or was she just choosing to ignore them all?

The spa in question was a big white building with a purple roof. The hanging wooden sign had a white mare with a flowing golden mane next to some flowers and a horseshoe. Before we'd even reached the front door, it opened and two ponies stepped out.

The first was a majestic white unicorn with a curly purple tail and mane. Every strand of hair was arranged perfectly in elegant swirls and her long eyelashes glinted black in the sunlight. Despite her obviously well-groomed appearance, graceful stride, and the distinguished way she proudly held her head up, her most beautiful feature was her eyes. Her bight azure eyes were soft and soothing, and there was a spark of life in them that was both familiar and alien at once. I usually just groan and roll my eyes whenever a book describes a particularly beautiful woman (or handsome man when it has a female lead character) with bullshit like this, but that's what went through my head at that particular moment.

Behind Rarity (I already knew all their names, so why don't I just start saying who they are when they show up from now on? It's not like it's some kind of important secret.) came Fluttershy, who was slowly and nervously making her way outside. Every one of her footsteps was carefully made, as if the ground might crack open if she put any kind of force on it. Her mane and tail seemed to weightlessly hang in the air; their wispy curls looked far too delicate to risk contact with anything. Her wings looked just as fragile and she kept them bent tight against her body.

Rarity was telling the yellow pegasus something about the latest important dress that she was making for a distinguished mare from Canterlot when they noticed me. Rarity's eyes went wide (that seemed to be a common response), her mouth hung open in surprise (also common), and she abruptly tripped over her own hoof and sprawled in the dirt (less common).

The unicorn quickly stood up again, muttered in disgust at her slightly-dirty state, and frantically made her horn glow with a faint blue light. A sudden magical breeze blew the dust off of her coat and right into Fluttershy's face, which caused her to have a brief sneezing fit. Each sneeze was a tiny squeak that was barely audible.

Her coat once again spotless and white, Rarity put on a big smile and strode forward toward me and Twilight while Fluttershy tried to hide behind a nearby bush that was about half her size. “So, everything that Aloe and Lotus heard was true,” Rarity's airy Mid-Atlantic accent rang out. “Although I must say that you look far more dashing than their tale led me to believe.”

I took a quick look at myself. My t-shirt had a few ragged holes in the sleeves, my pants were fairly worn out and faded, and my bare feet were covered in dirt. “I appreciate the compliment, but I think 'dashing' might be too strong of a word,” I said. I look like a hobo, for Christ's sake, my mind added.

Rarity giggled just a bit too much at that. “Perhaps, but it seems that you do have manners, and that counts for something. And speaking of manners, where are mine?” She brought a forehoof dramatically to her chest and batted her eyelashes. “I am Rarity, Ponyville's premier seamstress and dressmaker.”

“My name's Jesse, and I...well, I'm not entirely sure what I'll be doing from now on. But it's nice to meet you.”

“The pleasure is mine, and Fluttershy's too, I'm sure.” Rarity's horn glowed again and the bush was shunted aside, revealing the other half of the terrified pegasus, who squeaked and pressed herself against the ground in a trembling heap. Her eyes were also blue, and they glistened with doe-like moisture as she peered at me over her hooves.

I knew that I had to do something to stop her from panicking before she ran away. “Hi, there,” I said in the friendliest voice that I could manage and gave a little wave.

Fluttershy squeaked again and somehow compressed herself into an even smaller size. So much for that idea, I thought.

“Come on, Fluttershy,” Twilight trotted up and prodded her into a standing position. “Aren't you going to introduce yourself?”

“Ummm...hi...I'm...I'm Fluttershy...” her voice trailed off uncertainly to another squeak and she gave me an apologetic look before dropping her gaze back to the ground. I'm usually not a big fan of cute things, but she was just fucking adorable. And kind of pathetic.

“You simply must excuse her, Jesse,” Rarity spoke again. “She's very timid around strangers.”

“I understand,” I assured them.

“Maybe we should finish up the introductions somewhere a little more private,” Twilight inclined her head in the general direction of a few of the spectating ponies who were still watching us. Most of them weren't even trying to be subtle about it and were either standing or floating in plain sight. Am I going to have to deal with this whenever I go outside? I asked myself.

In a few minutes—during which Twilight yet again described how her spell had gone wrong and brought me here—the four of us were outside the library tree again. We quickly ducked inside to leave the spying ponies behind and shut the door.

The inside of the library was completely dark, which was strange because there was still an hour or so of daylight left. Before any of us could comment on this or open a window, the lights all came on at once and a blizzard of multicolored confetti shot out from all directions. The entire main room was decked out with balloons, streamers, and a banner that said “Welcome, New Pony!" with the last word crossed out and "Whatever You Are!” clumsily written underneath.

“SURPRIIIIIISE!!!” shouted a maniacally smiling Pinkie Pie, who grabbed me roughly by the neck and shoved me across the room to a table that was dominated by an enormous cake and bowls of colorful candy. I grunted as the corner of the table dug into my spleen.

Pinkie didn't seem to notice my pain. Instead, she was bouncing around and talking really fast. “Were you surprised? Were you? Were you? I bet you were everypony's always surprised when I throw a surprrise party. I always throw a surprise party when there's a new pony in town. You're not really a pony but I bet you were still surprised. Do you like it? Do you? I had to change the banner a bit but you don't mind do you? You look really weird did you know that? Have some cake before it's gone and try the punch—”

“Pinkie!” Twilight shouted as the hyperactive pony tried to shove a glass of fruit punch down my throat. The rest of the ponies—Applejack and Rainbow Dash were already there for some reason—and Spike were all staring at her in shock.

“Yes?” Pinkie turned to beam at Twilight and let go of me. My knees gave out from the unexpected release and I slumped to the floor.

“I...you...what are you...” Twilight sputtered, utterly perplexed at her friend's behavior. Pinkie still had that absent-minded smile stretched across her face, completely unfazed by her friend's objection.

Rarity stepped forward and stared hard at Pinkie. “I believe what Twilight is trying to say is that this is not at all how you should treat a guest. Haven't you ever heard of personal space?”

“You okay there, sugar cube?” Applejack asked me, a note of concern coloring her voice.

“Yeah,” I stood up and rubbed at where the table had stabbed me. “I'm fine, and you did surprise me.”

Pinkie giggled and bounced up and down a few times. “I just knew that you'd like it,” she said at a much more reasonable speed than before. “Everypony loves my surprise parties!”

Before anypony could say anything to that, my vision was suddenly obstructed by something wet and pink that slammed into my head and clamped down on my face.

My first thought: Kinky.

My second thought, which I also calmly and collectedly said aloud: “JESUS CHRIST GET IT OFF! GET THIS FUCKING THING OFF ME! I'VE SEEN THIS MOVIE AND I DON'T WANNA DIE LIKE THIS!”

I frantically and blindly pulled at my attacker, and after a few moments of struggling it slipped right off. I gasped for breath and glared at the creature in my hand. Instead of the spidery facehugger from Aliens that I had been expecting, it was a bright green alligator that smiled toothlessly and snipped playfully at the air.

“Aww, Gummy likes you,” Pinkie crooned as she picked her pet out of my grip and cradled him in her hooves. Gummy responded by gnawing the hell out of her ear. The others exchanged glances while I wiped the saliva off my face.

After that excitement, the rest of the party was fun but fairly uneventful. There was food (Pinkie Pie covered everything that she ate with hot sauce), music from an old record player (Rainbow Dash tried to show off her breakdancing skillz, but gave up after a headspin sent her crashing right into a bookcase), games (Fluttershy managed to win every time at Pin the Tail on the Pony), and plenty of time to talk.

I surprised myself by opening up and telling stories about my life on Earth, which they were very eager to hear. They especially liked hearing how I had been left behind during a third grade field trip and stranded at a zoo almost a hundred miles away from home for several hours (true story). Spike laughed the loudest and subtly mentioned to Rarity that he would certainly keep his head and not be scared at all if the same thing were to happen to him.

At last, the party ended and the five non-Twilight ponies left to go home. The sun had been down for almost three hours and the moon and the stars were shining brightly in the inky sky. Spike was snoring in the empty punch bowl, and with a quick spell Twilight gathered all of the party decorations and scattered confetti into a pile in the corner.

Twilight sighed happily and yawned. “Pinkie always throws the best parties, but they do tend to wear a pony out. Why don't you head upstairs and get some sleep? I'll be up after I write a quick letter to Princess Celestia. I'm sure that she'll be very interested to hear all about you.”

“Sounds good to me,” I replied tiredly. Despite all the sugary food, my eyelids were beginning to feel pretty heavy.

I stepped up the stairs to the library's second level. Just enough moonlight was streaming through the windows to illuminate the extra bookcases that lined the walls. I wouldn't have noticed the large brown horned owl that was settled on a wooden perch if he hadn't spun his head around to look at me.

“Who?” the bird called.

“Me,” I replied simply. What was his name again? Owlolishious? Owlicious? Something like that. Whenever his name was mentioned in that particular episode, I imagined him being toasted to a crispy golden brown and eaten by a beer-bellied redneck who shouts “Dayum, this sure is one owlicious thang!” Yeah, my head's not always filled with happy thoughts.

“Who,” the owl turned his head back around dismissively.

Before I got into the bed that Spike had set up for me—How did he even manage to get it here? I asked myself—I took a short detour and stepped out onto the balcony. The night air was crisp and clear with a gentle breeze that made the tree's leaves rustle softly. I looked around, but if there were any more ponies trying to get a look at me, they had figured out how to hide themselves and were doing a damn good job of it.

I yawned and gazed at the stars. Rainbow Dash had managed to clear the clouds from the sky at some point, so I could see Orion, the Big and Little Dippers, and what looked like part of Sagittarius near the horizon. It's kinda odd that they have the exact same constellations that we do on Earth, I mused, half asleep. What are the odds of that? Is this a different planet or another dimension altogether?

“Enjoying the night?” I sat bolt upright at the soft, unfamiliar voice and whipped my head around to see where it had come from, my fatigue completely forgotten for the moment. When I saw who was sitting on the balcony's railing, my heart decided that it wanted to commit suicide and tried to force its way out through my throat.

The speaker was slightly bigger than the other ponies had been, and she had both a horn and wings. Her coat was a dark purple color with a darker spot on her haunches, and her mane was a light blue that shone brightly in the moonlight. A black tiara and chestpiece also caught the light with glossy reflections, as did the polished silver shoes that capped her hooves. Her teal eyes were full of curiosity and her lips were perked up in a playful smile.

Even through my shock, I knew that I should answer her question. I quickly swallowed and composed myself. “Yes, I am. You must be Princess Luna.”

Luna's smile grew. “And you must be the human that my sister's letter mentioned. Jestin, is it?”

“Jesse,” I corrected. That's a fast response to a note.

“Well, Jesse, I hope that you will forgive me for startling you. I'm sure that you've had your fill of questions and onlookers today, but the note that Tia received spoke most highly of you and I must admit that I allowed my curiosity to get the better of me.” Her smile became more apologetic. “I suppose it's not much of an excuse, but I wished to take the opportunity to make your acquaintance and welcome you to Equestria.”

“Well, uh, thank you. It's a very nice place.” I was tired again and couldn't think of what else to say.

The Princess leaned forward slightly. “So what brings you to our land anyway? We've never had a visitor from this 'Earth' place before, and the letter didn't say anything.”

“Well, to tell the truth, I'm here by complete accident. You see, Twilight Sparkle made a mistake when she was practicing a new spell, and it brought me here. Not that I'm complaining, mind you,” I amended myself quickly.

She cocked her head to the side. “Well, I hope that you find things here to your liking. I'll be sure take special care when making the night for as long as you are here.”

That was a little unexpected. “Well, it's absolutely beautiful already. I've always liked nighttime, especially around this time of year.” You're supposed to be polite when dealing with royalty.

Luna nodded in appreciation and spread her wings. She flapped them a few times until she was hovering just beyond the balcony. “I'm afraid I can't stay and talk longer—somepony's got to keep the moon moving along.” She paused and looked thoughtful for a moment. “There's going to be a festival in Canterlot to celebrate the beginning of fall next week. Consider yourself invited, as well as any friends that you want to bring along. We'll see more of each other then.”

With a wink, she flew off. I blinked a few times in surprise at the tone of her last sentence. Did she just hit on me? I wondered as she faded quickly into the black night. No, I must've imagined it. I really need to get some sleep.

I wandered back inside and noticed that Twilight had brought Spike to his basket and fallen asleep herself. Spike had set it up so that my bed was across the room from Twilight's with his in the middle. Guess he doesn't trust me, I thought as I pulled off my shirt and dropped it next to the headboard. But that's understandable. Hell, I wouldn't trust me either.

A few seconds later, I was fast asleep as well.

* * * * *

Author's note: I realize that there wasn't a whole lot that happened in this part. I promise that the future chapters will be a bit more animated.

* * * * *