Enter Nurse Luna!

Chapters

Nurse Luna: LPN
A Research Journal of a Madpony.
10 Degrees Centigrade for 15 minutes.
A Research Journal of a Madpony Pt. II
Tartarus' Kitchen
A Moment of Peace
Drastic Measures
Winner
Blackmail and a Black Dress
Sweet (and Nutritious) Dreams
Confound these Princesses, they drive me to drink.

Nurse Luna: LPN

“Good night, Your Highness,” Iron Hoof bade with a nod of his head.

“Good night, Lieutenant,” Celestia, the Princess of the Day, replied with a smile. With the glow of her horn, the doors to her bedchamber slowly opened. With regal grace, she strode in, closing the door behind her.

Instantly, her shoulders dropped and her wings sagged. Grunting slightly, she removed her crown and peytral, levitating them onto a table next to her. She lazily kicked her legs out, unceremoniously flicking off her shoes.

Sighing, she bent down and tried to stretch her legs as her wings flared out. She twisted and turned, trying to loosen all her joints.

Ugh, why do I feel sore this evening? Was I sitting incorrectly? It’s not that hard to sit properly, unlike that bizarre sitting trend I’ve been seeing. Why sit upright like that? It looks so unnatural.

She gave a light cough, her body and wings shivering violently all of a sudden. Even though it was the beginning of spring, her teeth were chattering.

And now this? Isn’t it supposed to be spring? She continued to ponder, her horn glowing, as she closed her balcony doors and windows.

Her mane and wings sagging, Celestia set a drowsy pace towards her bathroom to start her nightly routine. Yet, as time went on, she began to feel more exhausted and sore. Begrudgingly walking toward her bed, she flopped down on it with a loud whoosh.

Why do I feel terrible all of a sudden? It’s as if I just fell off Canterlot. Ugh. Celestia continued to think as she stretched her hooves into the air, groaning as her joints popped. Oh well. Nothing a good night’s rest can’t fix.

Celestia shifted around on her bed until she got comfortable, resting her head on a pillow. She smiled slightly as she closed her eyes, ready for blissful sleep to take her away.

Except that it didn’t.

Minutes turned to hours as Celestia tossed and turned in her bed. She tried wrapping herself in blankets, but then she felt too hot, and when she removed them, her body started to shiver from the cold. All the while, her muscles and joints became even more sore and fatigued.

“Enough of this!” Celestia yelled as she jumped from her bed. As soon as her hooves touched the ground, she let out a groan as her knees buckled.

Her horn glowed as the cabinet across the room opened, and a bottle of single malt whiskey along with a glass floated towards her.

I am out of options. I have to work tomorrow, Celestia thought as she poured herself a glass. Sighing loudly, she swirled the liquid around with her magic, staring at the ripples she made in the liquor.

She groaned as she raised the glass to her muzzle. I do hate drinking good whiskey like this, but I do not have time to sip it. Such a shame that it will be wasted on such a trivial matter. Quickly, she lifted her head back, promptly emptying the contents of the glass. Another glass was poured and downed like the one before.

Celestia pounded the glass on the table next to her bed, her body and wings shaking. She grimaced as the brown liquid burned its way down her throat.

She placed the bottle and glass back in the cabinet. Afterwards, she lay back down, letting out a loud sigh. She could already feel slightly drowsy from the alcohol, and she hoped it would finally help her sleep.

Unfortunately, it did not. She drifted in and out of sleep a few times, occasionally grunting in frustration as she tried to get comfortable, only to have to get up and use the restroom.

This pattern continued throughout the night until her internal clock told her that she had to raise the sun. She sat up and coughed, rubbing her head with a hoof.

Slowly rolling out of bed, she grunted as she stood up. Her joints were still sore while her muscles were even more fatigued. Worse yet, she had developed a cough.

Maybe a hot shower will help, she thought to herself as she made her way to the bathroom.

Celestia pulled her shower curtains back as she turned on the water, using her magic to adjust the water knobs while putting her hoof under the stream. “Ah yes, a nice shower will fix all of my problems,” Celestia said to herself, smiling.

But like everything that had happened during the night, it only made things worse. Her nose was now red and stuffy, her cough was worse, and her joints still ached. Even through her aches and pains, Celestia forced her way through her morning routine. She made her bed, brushed her teeth, and combed her mane. Contrary to popular belief, even an ethereal, rainbow mane like hers required combing, especially after a shower. After putting on her crown and other regalia, she slowly walked out of her room, her head sagging.

“Good morning, Princess!” Lieutenant Iron Hoof greeted as he watched Princess Celestia exit her room. The guard next to him gave a slight bow.

Celestia’s ears flicked upon hearing her guard. She lifted her head, smiling weakly at him. “Good morning, my little pony,” she replied as cheerfully as she could.

Iron Hoof’s eyes widened as he took in the sight of Celestia’s sagging mane, bloodshot eyes, and puffy red nose. “P-Princess, are you feeling alright?”

Celestia forced herself to keep her smile, waving a hoof halfheartedly towards him. The moment she placed her hoof down on the ground, her front knees buckled. Her chest heaved, and she let out a series of coughs, quickly raising a hoof to her mouth to try to hide it.

“Oh, there is no need to worry. I am quite fine,” she said weakly. “Now, I must be off to raise the sun.”

“Sir,” a guard whispered to Iron Hoof as the princess of the sun walked away from them, her head and wings sagging. “The Princess does not look well, almost as if she was sick.”

“Indeed she does,” Iron Hoof replied as he continued to watch Celestia.

“Should we do something?” the guard asked, looking at Iron Hoof.

Iron Hoof looked back towards the guard next to him. “You’re right,” he answered. “Go inform Princess Luna of the situation. She should know what to do.”

“Yes, sir!” the guard said as he saluted.

Celestia panted as she made her way to the Royal Balcony of the Sun where she raised the sun every day. Across from it was the Royal Balcony of the Moon where her sister would raise and lower the moon. As soon as she made it to the top, she fell to her haunches, breathing heavily through her mouth due to her stuffy nose.

She gulped as she tried to rest for a moment, steadying her breath and heart rate before performing her sacred duty.

“Sister, is everything all right?” Celestia heard from behind her. A hoof touched her shoulder.

Celestia jumped, her wings flaring out. She quickly turned her head around and found herself staring right into Luna’s teal eyes.

“Oh, sister, it’s you,” she said feebly. “What brings you to this side of the castle? I thought you would be in bed by now.”

“I would, dear sister, if it were not for one of your guards and my guards having an argument outside my bedroom.” Luna sat down next to Celestia. “Sister, you do not look well at all.”

Celestia coughed into her hoof. “Oh, I’m fine, really. It’s nothing at all. It will probably clear up as the day goes on.”

Luna raised an eyebrow at her sister. Celestia’s smile could not hide the fact that she looked awful. Gently, Luna raised a hoof to Celestia’s forehead.

“My goodness!” Luna shouted as her wings flared up. “You are burning up more than your sun! You are sick, dear sister!”

Celestia quickly swatted away her sister’s hoof. “Nonsense, Luna. I am fine! It is just allergies.”

“Lies!” Luna retorted sternly as she glared at Celestia. “Both you and I know that we do not suffer from allergies. So it seems that the logical conclusion is that you are sick. It is most likely the centennial flu.”

“I am not sick!” Celestia shouted as she stamped her hoof on the ground. She puffed out her chest while raising her head. Suddenly, she bent over, clutching her chest as she started to cough.

“Yes, you are!” Luna argued as she stood in front of Celestia. “You need bed rest! There is no way you can rule like this. You can barely stand from the looks of it! No, sister, you need rest. More importantly, you need somepony to take care of you!”

“I do not!” Celestia retorted, lifting her muzzle up while closing her eyes.

Seconds passed as a tense silence hung between the two rulers. Celestia slowly opened an eye. Luna, however, sat there with wide eyes, her jaw hanging down.

“Luna, what is wrong?” she asked quietly.

Luna sat there for a couple more seconds. Slowly, her lips pulled back into a smile. As her smile grew larger, Celestia could have sworn she saw fangs.

“L-Luna, what is wrong?” Celestia asked again nervously, her eyes darting around.

“You need somepony to take care of you,” Luna said quietly, still smiling menacingly at her sister. “And I just happen to know a pony who can... From this day forth, I shall aid you in your recovery!”

“What?” Celestia shouted, her eyes bulging at the idea. “Why on Equestria would you do such a thing?”

“But why wouldn't I, sister?” Luna replied as she wrapped a wing around her. “As your sister, it is my duty to take care of you!”

Celestia began to sweat, unsure if it was from her fever or her anxiety. “Nonsense, Luna, you shouldn’t waste your time with me.”

“Oh, but I should!” Luna chirped cheerfully. “If I recall, there was a law put in place last time I got sick.” Luna closed her eyes while her horn glowed. Suddenly, a scroll appeared before her with a loud ‘pop’.

“Ah, here it is.” Luna unrolled it and cleared her throat. “Royal Decree number one thousand, three hundred, and thirty seven. If either of the Royal Sisters fall ill, she will be deemed unfit to rule until she recovers. During that time, it will be the responsibility of the other sister to take care of her during her illness. Signed by none other than the Regent of the Sun, Celestia.”

“B-but I made that law over a thousand years ago!” Celestia cried out.

“Yes, you did, just when I happened to fall ill with a similar illness. Hmm, such a strange coincidence how that happened, is it not, dear sister of mine?” Luna replied.

“S-still, that law was made a long time ago!” Celestia shouted as she backed away. She quickly turned around and tried to run but found herself in the grasp of her sister’s aura.

“I know, but there was no law turning down this one. Have no worries, sister! I will take care of you!” Luna shouted cheerfully.

“B-but I cannot leave the throne! Who else will raise the sun?” Celestia wailed as she flailed her legs helplessly.

Luna gave a loud sigh as she pointed her glowing horn towards the horizon. Slowly, the sun began to rise, filling Equestria with its radiant glow.

“See, all taken care of,” Luna replied with a smirk. Doing an about face, she skipped down the hallway with her sister in tow. “Do not act so shocked; you are not the only one who can raise both the sun and moon.”

“B-but, but,” Celestia tried to protest but was cut off by a coughing fit.

“Sister, relax,” Luna cooed as she lowered Celestia’s head in front of hers, their eyes locked. “I remember everything you did to take care of me, everything.”

All the color from Celestia’s face vanished, her eyes wide with horror. Her struggles intensified as she tried to free herself from her sister’s grip. However, the more she pushed herself, the more she coughed and wheezed.

“Ah yes,” Luna continued as she carried Celestia through the halls. “I remember it like it was yesterday. The most foul-tasting medicine you shoved down my throat, how you took away all my sweets, and worst of all, how you made me eat alfalfa.”

“But those were supposed to make you feel better!” Celestia whined.

“Just how it will make you feel better!” Luna giggled as she began to skip down the hallways.

“NOOOOOO!”

Lieutenant Iron Hoof watched vigilantly from his post, or as vigilantly as one does when staring at a brick wall. His eyes scanned the hallways. When he was sure nopony was there, he let out a massive yawn.

“Just a couple more minutes until I can finally sleep,” he mumbled to himself.

His ears flicked as he heard a pony round the corner. “Ah good, Private, you’re back. Did you tell Princess Luna about her sister’s condition?”

The private stopped in front of him and threw a salute. “Yes, sir!”

“So what happened?”

The private lowered his hoof and rubbed the back of his head, grumbling. “Stupid Night Guards, so pushy.”

“What was that?”

“Nothing, sir!” the private quickly blurted out.

“Ok...” Iron Hoof said as he raised an eyebrow. “So what happened?”

“Oh that! Princess Luna got the memo,” the private replied.

“Very good, Private,” Iron Hoof replied as he patted the private’s shoulder. “Let us get back to our post. We still have our job to do.”

“Of course, sir,” the private answered as he went back to his post. The two guards stood there outside of Celestia’s bedchambers.

“Sister, put me down this instant!” a voice called out.

“No, I will not. I am doing my royal duty!” another voice called out in response.

“Please?”

“Nay, sister! I remember saying the same thing, and yet you did not concede.”

“But this is different!”

“Tis’ not.”

“Tis’ so!”

Both Lieutenant Iron Hoof’s and the private’s jaws dropped as they saw both Princess Celestia and Luna emerge around the corner.

“Guards!” Celestia called out, waving her hoof before letting out a cough. “Come to my rescue, your princess needs it!”

Instantly, both guard’s faces hardened as they assumed a defensive stance.

“Oh hush, Celestia,” Luna replied as she rolled her eyes. “You are being even more dramatic than me.”

Luna stopped as she eyed the two guards in front of her. “AT EASE, GUARDS. AS YOU CAN SEE, MY SISTER IS ILL AT THE MOMENT. THUS, IT IS MY RESPONSIBILITY, BY ROYAL DECREE, TO TAKE CARE OF HER,” she announced in the Royal Canterlot Voice as she floated a scroll towards them.

Cautiously, Iron Hoof picked it up with his magic and began to read it. His eyes scanned the paper from left to right. Suddenly, his eyes widened.

“P-Princess, is this your signature?” Iron Hoof asked in a confused tone.

Celestia’s eyes darted back and forth. “Well, you see—”

“It is indeed,” Luna interrupted as she opened Celestia’s bedchamber doors. “I am merely following my own sister’s order. Now, you two are dismissed from your post.”

“No, don’t leave!” Celestia cried out as she was floated into her room. “Go fetch Twilight Sparkle this instant!”

Luna turned around and smiled at them. “That will not be necessary. As you read on that scroll, my sister is unfit to rule at the moment.”

Both guards stared at each other, eyes wide and with their jaws hanging.

“Now go on, you are dismissed,” Luna said as she walked into Celestia’s room. “Go on, shoo,” she continued as she waved her hoof at them.

“Nooooo!” Celestia cried out as her bedroom doors slammed shut.

Both guards stared at the door in front of them, neither of them able to move or comprehend what happened.

Finally, the private looked at his superior. “Sir, what should we do? Should we contact the rest of the guard?”

“That will not be necessary, Private,” Iron Hoof replied, his eyes still on the doors in front of him.

“Then whatever shall we do?” the private asked.

“I don’t know about you,” Iron Hoof answered as he took off his helmet, “But I am going to need a drink right about now.”

“But, sir!” the private called out. “It is only 6:30 in the morning.”

“Private,” Iron Hoof said as he got up. “After what we just saw, I don’t know how you could not drink.”

“Really, sister,” Luna chided as she lowered Celestia onto her bed gently, tucking her in and propping her head. “Did you really have to make a scene out there? I mean, must you give more reasons for our subjects to mistrust me?”

Celestia looked down, her ears flattening. “Luna, I’m sorry, I didn’t think about that.”

“It is all right, sister,” Luna replied, smiling. “I know you did not mean it. I just assume that it is because you were sick and all.”

“Really, Luna,” Celestia said, blowing her nose with a tissue. “You do not need to take care of me.”

“Nonsense!” Luna replied, her wings flaring. “I already said that I will take care of you, and I mean it. Besides, what kind of sibling would I be if I did not care for my sister when she was ill?”

“But you might catch what I have!”

“Hmmmm,” Luna said as she rubbed her chin. “Do you have a headache?”

“Yes.”

“Aching muscles and joints?”

“Yes.”

“Fatigue?”

“That too.”

“A sore throat?”

“No, thankfully.”

“Well,” Luna continued. “Based on the symptoms you just told me, added with your fever, cough, and runny nose, I assume that you have a case of the centennial flu.”

“But that does not change the fact that you can contract what I have if you are around me!”

“I also assume you forgot to get the centennial vaccination. Luckily for me, I got one when I came back, along with all the other required ones. So fret not, sister! I will be fine,” Luna replied cheerfully.

“But, Luna, you really do not have to do this. I mean, who else is going to govern Equestria?” Celestia coughed out.

“Sister, I am sure that our ponies are strong enough to govern themselves for at least a week. They will be fine,” Luna reassured.

“But still...”

“Well, sister,” Luna continued. “If you really do not want me to take care of you, then I guess my only other option would be to seduce your student, Twilight Sparkle, while you are indisposed.”

“WHAT?” Celestia shouted as she sat up, her eyes wide.

“What?” Luna replied as she put a hoof on her chest. “Afraid that I will steal her away from you?”

“N-No!” Celestia blurted, a blush growing on her face. “But you cannot do such a thing!”

“And why not?” Luna asked. “She is a grown mare and is free to love whoever she wants to. And I am a Princess, I can do what I want too, you know. You are not the only princess here.”

“B-but, b-but—”

Luna burst out laughing, her wings fluttering. “You are too easy, sister! We already know that you have a massive crush on her. Now why would I want to interfere with love?”

“I do not have a crush on my student!” Celestia cried out, her blush growing brighter.

“Oh please, sister,” Luna replied. “Everypony in Equestria can see that you two love each other. Maybe you should just toughen up and admit that to her. Trust me, am I not the Princess of the Night, the time meant for lovers?”

Celestia’s face was beet-red, her eyes darting everywhere but at her sister.

“Now,” Luna said as she clapped her hooves. There was a flash of blue light, and Luna's regalia changed to a nurse outfit. “Won’t this be so much fun!”

Author's Note

Special thanks to Zeta040, John Perry, conantheimp, and Kevinltk for editing.

Thanks to Shanenator for final read through.

In addition, special thanks to GingerLuna and Vimbert the Unimpressive for proof reading and looking over the rough drafts.

A Research Journal of a Madpony.

An excerpt from Foxe Yi Kimchi's research journal.

I have worked long and tedious hours try to study Alicorn biology from afar. Sadly, I am nothing more than a meager microbiologist, unworthy to meet the Princesses of Equestria. However, that does not mean I will give up on my life's work! I have scoured countless tomes from just as many libraries to try and catch a glimpse of the Princesses' daily life. I have asked just as many palace staff about our beloved Princesses, trying to find every rumor I could get my hooves on. As we know, our Princesses are immune to virtually all diseases. Heavens be praised! But I may have found a disease that actually infects the Princesses of Equestria.

There are stories that over a thousand years ago our Princess of the Moon, Luna, contracted this rare disease. I have read that first symptoms are very similar to that of the common flu. However, as quickly as the symptoms appeared, Princess of the Sun, Celestia, had to take drastic actions. I heard that Princess Celestia had to quarantine her sister in her room until the illness passed. It must have only gone worse from there, because I have read stories that cries of anguish could be heard from her chambers. Princess Celestia assured everypony that everything was alright. But still, it must have been a horrific illness due to the fact that when Princess Luna was asked about it, she adamantly refused to talk about it. Some say her face turned green when thinking about it.

In addition, the last piece of information I was able to obtain is that in recent centuries, Princess Celestia was known to get a shot in a routinely, centennial, fashion. However that shot is kept a secret, as the physicians who administered it will not reveal any information. Could it possibly be a vaccine like the flu vaccine? Surely it could not be something as simply as that. This is a pathogen that can infect the most powerful beings on Earth! I have attached above a diagram of what I think the pathogen must look like. Since it infects only Alicorn princesses, it too must share common properties with said Alicorn Princesses.

Oh how I would love nothing more to study this disease! If only I could get my hooves on a culture of this pathogen! Think of the SCIENCE that I could do! But I must work fast. I cannot let somepony beat me in this discovery. I CANNOT LET TWILIGHT SPARKLE BEAT ME IN THIS DISCOVERY! IT IS NOT FAIR! HOW COME SHE GETS TO FIND ALL THE SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERIES? I mean yeah she is Princess Celestia's personal protegee a saved Equestria numerous times... BUT IT IS NOT FAIR! CAN'T SHE THROW JUST A FEW SCRAPS FOR US LOWLY PONIES? JUST ENOUGH SO LONELY SCIENTIST LIKE ME HAVE A CHANCE AT A SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGH! JUST ONE IS ALL I ASK FOR! WITH A SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERY UNDER MY BELT I CAN FINALLY GET A MAREFRIEND! WHY DOES TWILIGHT SPARKLE GET TO HOG ALL THE SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERIES? WAAaa-

The rest of the segment is unlegible due to numerous water like stains found on the bottom of the page, which in turn has caused the ink to run off. Chemical analysis of this water like substance revealed that it was in fact, tears of unfathomable sadness. In addition, rumors say that Foxe Yi Kimchi was found passed out with many empty bottles of beer around him during this time.

Author's Note

Many thanks to PoisonSt for drawing these pictures. In addition, he has also agreed to draw more pictures for me in the future. What that means is that each new chapter will have a picture or two with it. So, if you want more pictures, go thank PoisonSt. Like him, watch him, just thank him and let him know his work is awesome if you want more pictures.

Lastly, chapters one and two have been cleaned up, even though the site has not changed the 'last modified' date.

10 Degrees Centigrade for 15 minutes.

In the Canterlot Palace, there are many places that are sealed off from the rest of Equestria. The Royal Balcony of the Sun and Moon, the treasury, the armory, the Royal pantry, and of course, the room where the Elements of Harmony are secured to name a few. Celestia liked to think her room was one of them, a place where she could be alone with no worries. Aside from the cleaning staff, Celestia liked to think her room was closed off to the world.

Right now, she was wishing it was open to the public so that somepony would save her.

“Comfy, sister?” Luna asked as she propped a couple of pillows behind Celestia.

“Well...okay I guess.” Celestia coughed out, squirming on her large canopy bed. “It is just my joints and muscles that are killing me, especially my neck and shoulders.”

“Hmm, that is a problem. ‘Tis nearly impossible to rest with aching joints,” Luna replied as she scratched her chin. “Huzzah! I have just the thing!” she cried out as she turned around, skipping to Celestia’s bathroom.

“Luna, what are you doing?” Celestia called out as she craned her neck.

“No need to worry sister, I will make everything better. Just take it easy,” Luna called out of the bathroom.

“Now Luna, just don’t destroy my bathroom please.”

“Really sister?” Luna replied as she stuck her head out while rolling her eyes. “You really think I am going to destroy your bathroom?”

“Well,” Celestia sighed as she squirmed on her bed some more. “Just do not make a mess, I do not want to clean it up.”

Luna poked her head out of the bathroom, rolling her eyes. “You do realize you are a Princess? We do have a cleaning staff whose specific job is to clean up our messes. It states that right in their contracts.”

Celestia scrunched up her face. “Just don’t make a mess. I don’t like making other ponies' jobs harder.”

Luna stared at Celestia, rolling her eyes. “Okay sister...” she replied. Luna went back into the bathroom. Her eyes locked onto Celestia’s large bathtub, her eye twitching ever so slightly.

“You know sister,” Luna muttered under her breath as she scanned the grand bathtub. “You would not need such a massive bathtub if your posterior wasn't as large as it is. Seriously, what did you eat while I was away?”

Sighing loudly, Luna reached down with her hoof, pushing the plunger down on the bathtub’s drain. Afterwards, she reached up and turned the faucet, watching the water pour down. “Maybe we should keep you on your diet,” Luna snickered.

“Luna, what are you doing?” Celestia inquired from the other room.

Luna groaned, her ears flopping. “Sister! Stop worrying and relax, will you?” Luna said sternly.

Luna turned her head back towards to bathtub. She turned off the faucet once the water level reached halfway. Closing her eyes, she focused her magic, horn glowing with with a soft blue light. She slowly opened her eyes, the water before her freezing, turning into one large block of ice.

“Now,” Luna said as she raised her forehoof. “Time to increase its surface area.”

CRASH!

“Much better,” Luna said to herself as she looked upon the pile of ice chunks in front of her.

“LUNA!” Celestia yelled from her bed. “What was that?! I told you not to break anything!”

“Damnit sister!” Luna shrieked back. “I did not break anything! Now stop whining and let me try to help you so you can get better or, so help me, I will tie your muzzle shut!”

“How dare you speak to your elder sister in such a manner!” Celestia yelled back before she broke into another round of coughs.

“SILENCE!” Luna shouted in the Royal Canterlot Voice as she poked her head outside the bathroom once again, pointing a hoof towards Celestia. “See! Thy talking is making thee even more sick! So if thou wants to heal, stop talking! Your precious lavatory is fine, so stop getting your tail into a knot!”

“B-but—” Celestia replied weakly, raising her blankets to her muzzle.

“Shh!”

“But!”

“SSHHH!” Luna hissed loudly. She squinted her eyes at Celestia, staring daggers at her. She lifted her hoof, pointing towards her eyes, then slowly pointed to her sister. Luna held her hoof there for a moment, before she slowly retracted back into the bathroom.

“Since that is taken care of,” she mumbled to herself as she turned the water back on. “Time to get this right.

“Now, if the the specific heat capacity of ice is 2.11 joules per gram kelvin and that of water, which is coming out at room temperature, is 4.18 joules per gram kelvin, then I will need...” Luna paused as she watched the water fill the tub, creating a slurry. She flexed her hoof over the knob, staring at the tub intensely.

“Exactly this much water!” she exclaimed as she turned off the water. Her horn glowed, and a popping sound appeared next to her as she summoned her thermometer.

“Now, since this is not a closed system, it will not be exactly ten degrees Centigrade, but I should be close.” Luna said to herself, placing the end of the thermometer in the ice water.

“Ten point two degrees. That is a marginal error of two percent. Oh Luna, you’re so clever!” Luna exclaimed as she gave a little jump.

“Alright sister!” Luna announced cheerfully. “You can come in now.”

She smiled as she heard muffled hoofsteps.

“Okay, what did you do to my bathroom, Luna?” Celestia asked weakly as she entered the bathroom.

Luna turned her head, looking at the ceiling, then down to the floor, and at each and every room. “By the looks of it, nothing. Seems you got your tail in a knot for no reason.”

Celestia scrunched her face, glaring at Luna. “Fine,” she finally said as her ears flopped. “I was wrong, so what did you do?”

“Here,” Luna said as she directed her hoof towards the bathtub.

Celestia raised an eyebrow, looking down at the slurry that occupied her bathtub. “What is this?”

“Ice water, dear sister.”

“So why is it in my bathtub?”

“‘Tis for you.”

“What would I do with a tub full of ice water?”

“Take a bath in it of course.”

“What?!” Celestia shouted. “Why would I ever take a bath that’s full of ice water?”

“What?” Luna said as her eyes widened. “Why not? You said you had joint and muscle aches, as well as a fever. This will help relieve both symptoms. Don’t you want to feel better?”

“I am not taking a bath with freezing water!” Celestia said sternly as she stomped her hoof.

“It is not freezing, it is ten point two degrees Centigrade above freezing, actually.”

“You know what I mean, Luna!”

“Just try it, will you? You will not know if you do not try it.” Luna begged with pleading eyes.

Celestia tried to turn her head away from her sister, but was unable to as Luna’s eyes got wider and wider. “Fine...” Celestia sighed.

“Huzzah!” Luna cheered. “It is not too bad.”

Celestia turned her head towards the bath, watching a few ripples here and there. Tentatively, she slowly dipped the tip of her hoof in. Celestia’s wings instantly flared out as she yanked her hoof out.

“Ahh!” Celestia cried out. “No, no, no, no! I am not going in there, it is way too cold!”

“But sister it will help you! It is not that bad, I assure you,” Luna pleaded.

“No!” Celestia said stubbornly as she took a step back. “I will not go in there!”

There was a flash of blue and a loud pop. As Celestia recovered and opened her eyes, her sister was gone.

“We were afraid thou would say that...” Luna replied behind Celestia. Luna blocked the doorway, her wings flared out. “We have already made thy bath and we shall not let it go to waste.”

Celestia spun around to face her sister and glared at her. “I am not going in there, Luna.”

“Yes you are.”

“No, I am not, and you cannot make me!” Celestia shouted as she stomped her hoof, her wings flaring out.

“Really sister?” Luna sighed as she took a step towards Celestia. “We are going to go through this again?” Luna’s horn glowed, enveloping her magic around Celestia and lifting her off the ground.

Celestia’s eyes widened as she felt her body again lifted off the ground. She flailed her wings and hooves in the air, trying to break from her sister’s grasp.

“Sister!” Celestia cried out nervously, her eyes darting around. She let out a cry as she felt herself turned upside down in the air.

“Yes, my dear sister Celestia?” Luna said sweetly as she levitated her sister over the bathtub.

Celestia struggled more, unaware of where she was in the air. “Luna! As your elder sister I demand that you put me down at this instant!”

“Oh dear,” Luna replied, grimacing as she patted her sister’s side. “That is a poor choice of words.”

Celestia quickly turned her head down, her eyes widening while her pupils shrunk. “No, no, no! Sister, you know I what I meant—Aaahhh!”

SPLASH!

Celestia broke the surface of the water, gasping loudly as the air was forced from her lungs. She flailed her hooves as they grasped the sides of the tub, trying to push herself out.

“Sister!” Luna cried out as she gently held Celestia down, making sure Celestia’s head was out of the water. “Calm down, take deep breaths, breathe.”

Celestia gulped, trying to slow her heart down and breathe, her teeth clattering against each other. Her body shivered violently. “L-Luna it is so cold, it h-hurts!” Celestia panted out.

“Celestia,” Luna said gently, rubbing Celestia’s side. “I know it is cold. I know it hurts. But it will really help not only with your joints and muscles, but with your fever too.”

“H-how do y-you know?” Celestia weakly said as she looked at Luna. Her chest heaved as she tried to calm down.

“Remember when I first arrived when I was saved? How small I looked?” Luna replied gently.

“Y-yeah.”

“And how I had that massive growth spurt when I grew into my current form?”

“Yeah.”

“Well,” Luna continued, “when that happened it was pretty painful on my limbs. The stress of that growth was intense. When I went to the infirmary, they recommended that I take an ice bath. Yes it is cold, ‘tis not pleasant, but trust me, you will feel much better afterwards. It only lasts for fifteen minutes. Trust me on this, okay?”

“O-Okay Luna, I trust you.”

Luna smiled gently. “Here,” Luna said as she pulled her sister’s hoof out of the water. “It is best to keep your hooves out during it.”

Celestia raised the rest of her hooves, trying to relax.

“Okay Celestia, time is up.” Luna said as she took a few steps away from the tub.

There was an explosion of water as Celestia jumped out of the tub, landing on her hooves. Her mane and tail were stuck to her body. Slowly Celestia kneeled down, curling up and shivering. “S-So cold...”

“Easy there sister,” Luna said as she levitated numerous towels on to Celestia. Using her magic and hooves, she rubbed her sister’s fur dry. “It was not that bad now was it?”

“N-not really,” Celestia replied, shaking more from her sister than the cold. “Just numb right now.”

“Better than being in pain. Do not worry, you will feel better in time,” Luna replied.

“I guess you are right.”

“Here,” Luna said as she got up, lifting a large white robe off a wall hook. “This will help”

“Thanks Luna,” Celestia replied as put on her robe. She tightened it around herself, walking out of the room.

“Oh sister!” Luna cried out as she ran to her sister.

“What’s wrong?” Celestia replied as she turned her head.

“Your wings are a mess!” Luna exclaimed as she held one of Celestia’s wings. “Oh no no no, this simply will not do.”

Celestia looked at her slightly matted wings, her ears slightly dropping. “Oh dear, I guess I’ll preen them later.”

“That simply will not do! Here,” Luna replied as she led Celestia to the center of her room where there a large plush rug. “Lay down sister, I will preen your wings.”

“Really, Luna,” Celestia said as she laid down. “You do not have to go through the trouble.”

“Nonsense,” Luna answered as she gently extended one of Celestia’s wide wings. “It would be my pleasure. Besides, we are sisters, it is what we do.”

“If you insist Luna,” Celestia said as she rested her head on her forehooves.

Gently, Luna began to straighten Celestia’s feathers with her muzzle, yanking any loose feathers off when she found one.

“You know Luna,” Celestia crooned slightly. “I can’t remember the last time we did something like this.”

“It is when we were nothing but small foals, clinging to mother’s hip,” Luna replied as she folded back Celestia’s wing. Luna got up and moved to Celestia’s other side, extending her other wing.

“Ah, now I remember it. You never could preen your wings when you were a filly. You always ran to mother or I, begging to us to preen your wings,” Celestia said with a slight smile.

“I do remember too,” Luna replied with a small blush. “Though what I never told either of you was that I actually did know how to maintain my wings.”

“What?” Celestia said as she turned her head. “Then why did come to us asking for help?”

“Well,” Luna said quietly, her blush intensifying, “I really enjoyed the attention I received from you two. Every time I felt a tad down, I always came to you. Actually, sometimes I would purposely ruffle my own wings just so I could get them preened by you or mother.”

“What?” Celestia gasped as her ears perked. “You knew how to do it all along?”

Luna turned her head and blushed. “I told you, I enjoyed the attention.”

“It seems you still do,” Celestia replied with smile.

She drifted in and out of consciousness as Luna worked on her wing. “I guess you are right,” Luna sighed, smiling. She bent her head down, finishing with Celestia’s second wing.

“Finished,” Luna replied as she lifted a pile of discarded feathers with her magic. “Come sister, time for bed rest.”

Celestia lifted her head groggily, grunting as she lifted herself to her hooves. “Bed does sound nice,” Celestia said softly as she lifted herself up on her bed.

“Do you feel better?” Luna asked as she pulled a thick blanket over her sister.

“I do feel much better. My wings feel wonderful, and my joints are aching nowhere near as bad.” Celestia said as she leaned her head back. “Though my hooves are still very cold.”

“Well!” Luna said cheerfully as she brought her head close, a large grin on her face. “I have just the thing for that.”

There was a ‘pop’ behind Luna, and afterwards she levitated a pair of greenish yellow pinstripe socks. “These are my extra pair of socks, I am sure they would help your hooves stay nice and toasty,” Luna exclaimed as she waggled her eyebrows.

“Luna,” Celestia said as she glared at her sister. “Just because you love socks does not mean I do.”

“And I think you are being unfair,” Luna said with a ‘hmph.’ “You said your hooves are cold, and I can’t think of a better and more practical way to warm them up. I think you are just being stubborn.”

“I am not!”

“Then put them on.”

Luna and Celestia glared at each other, bringing their heads closer.

“Fine!” Celestia said as she pulled her head back, grabbing the pair of socks from her sister. She stared at them for a second, before sighing loudly. She stretched out her forehooves slipping a sock on each one.

“So...” Luna replied with a smirk. “How are they?”

Celestia crossed her hooves, turning her head away.

“Well?” Luna cooed in a singsong voice as she brought her head closer.

Celestia scrunched her nose, turning her head away more.

“Sister, you are being stubborn.”

“Fine!” Celestia whined loudly as she flailed her hooves. “They’re extremely comfortable!”

Luna smiled as she flicked her mane in triumph.

“But why this color? It clashes horribly with my coat,” Celestia sighed.

“I told you those are my extra pair. I am not going to use my own personal collection.”

Celestia rolled her eyes.

“Anyway, you stay here and take a nap or something. I will be back in a couple of hours with some lunch, so try to get some sleep. Does that sound good?” Luna asked with a soft smile.

“Yeah, that does sound nice,” Celestia replied softly as she leaned her head back on her pillow.

“All right then, I will be back shortly with some food. Do get some sleep,” Luna said gently.

“Thanks Luna,” Celestia said as she closed her eyes.

Private Hoplite, a white pegasus of the day guard, and Private Lethe, a black night pegasus of the night guard, were described as, for lack of a better term, the two most dysfunctional guards that have ever existed or will exist.

Private Hoplite saw himself as the ideal guard: dedicated, focused, and vigilant. He had dreams of being a higher-ranking guard that could one day court his long time crush and boss, Princess Celestia. Or in Lethe’s terms, he was an uptight sissy. Oh, how Lethe was the bane of Hoplite's existence. He felt the universe and his higher ups have punished him for life by being assigned to Lethe. No matter how hard he tried, he always fell flat. On the other hoof, Private Lethe was a wild girl party animal that had little care for authority. Her dreams were to have fun, dance the night away, eat cake, and have fun with her personal stick in the mud, Hoplite.

Together, these two guards had defended Princess Celestia in every manner imaginable, from would-be attacks to blocking Celestia from entering the Royal Kitchens. Hoplite himself had almost fought the Pink Menace of Ponyville, had nearly stood up to a carb-craving goddess, and had personally wet himself at the Battle of The Hallway to the Kitchens.

Needless to say, Lethe’s track record was a lot better.

“This is so exciting!” Hoplite said as he gave a little hop. “A special assignment from one the princesses herself!”

“Why are you so excited?” Lethe replied as she rolled her eyes.

“Because,” Hoplite said. “We actually get a real job this time. No more ‘guarding’ the kitchens.”

“But I liked guarding the kitchens!” Lethe pouted. “We got free food.”

“No,” Hoplite sighed loudly. “You extorted them for free food.”

“Free, extorted, just semantics,” Lethe replied with a shrug. “Besides, I risked life and limb for those cooks. Technically, it was all spoils of war.”

Hoplite stopped as he slapped his face with a hoof. “Anyway,” he said as he started walking again, “we got a real job this time.”

“Great,” Lethe said as she slouched her shoulders. “Now I actually have to work.”

“This is your job, you know. Can you actually take your job seriously for once?”

“I’d rather have free delicious cake.”

“Really? Is that all you care about? You are a Night Guard for Equestria, have you no pride?”

“You know,” Lethe said as she wrapped a hoof around Hoplite.

“What?” Hoplite sighed.

“You need to lighten up. Have some fun, shake that rump of yours once in awhile. I can take you out to a party if you want,” Lethe replied as she gave a wink.

Hoplite’s eyes widened, a blush growing on his face. “No, no, no,” Hoplite said as he marched forward, breaking free from Lethe’s grasp.

“Sissy,” Lethe sighed as she followed him.

After a short walk, the two guards stopped in front of Princess Celestia’s bedchambers. “So,” Lethe said as she looked around. “What are we supposed to do?”

“I don’t know. The message I got was to bring ourselves to this location and await further orders.”

“From who?”

“I don’t know. All I know is that this message was sent by the Princess.”

“Which one?”

“I—don’t know.”

Lethe slapped her face. “Great, more waiting.”

Hoplite exhaled, then opened his eyes, standing in the traditional guard stance. Lethe, however, just laid there as she pulled out a magazine from her armor. She smacked her lips as she scanned through the pages.

“Seriously?!” Hoplite yelled through his teeth. “You are going to slack off right in front of Princess Celestia’s chambers?!”

“Ugh!” Lethe groaned as she threw her head back. “Fine!” Sighing, Lethe slowly stood on all four hooves, tucking her magazine in her breastplate. She exhaled as she steadied herself, placing herself in the Traditional Royal Canterlot Guard Guarding Position.

Finally, Hoplite thought to himself.

The two guards stood there, staring at the wall in front of them. A few minutes of peaceful silence hung in the air.

Hoplite’s ear flicked as he heard somepony snickering. He looked over and saw Lethe, biting her lip and scrunching her face, trying to suppress her laughter.

“Lethe! Focus!” he hissed.

“Sorry, sorry,” she whispered. “Just remembered something funny is all.” She exhaled, steadying herself and focusing.

Hoplite rolled his eyes before entering his stance.

Thirty seconds passed as Lethe started to laugh again. She held her forehooves to her mouth, her face reddened.

“Lethe!” Hoplite hissed.

“Sorry!” she said through her fits of giggles. “I got the giggles.”

“Focus!”

“Okay, okay,” she said as she took deep breaths. “I think I got it out of my system.”

“Good...”

Another thirty seconds passed until Lethe fell to the ground, clutching her sides and bursting out in laughter. “Hahahaha, that was such a funny picture!” she said through tears of laughter.

Hoplite slapped both his hooves on his face, pulling his face down. “Just let her do her thing. Breathe and count to ten...”

“Okay,” Lethe said weakly as she got up on her hooves. She wiped the tears from her eyes. “For sure, it’s out of my system. Okay, I am ready now.”

There was a small click behind them. “Ah good, you two have arrived,” said a familiar, regal voice.

Instantly, both Hoplite and Lethe turned around, saluting. “Princess Luna—wwwhhhaaa!” Hoplite and Lethe said as their jaws dropped while their eyes widened to dinner plates.

In front of them was her Majesty of the Moon, Princess Luna, wearing a white nurse outfit.

“If it is not my faithful guard, Private Lethe and her good friend Private Hoplite. I am glad you two could make it here. I have a special assignment for you two.”

Hoplite stood there, his mouth agape and his eyes wide with a distant look in them. Lethe shook her head, freeing herself from her daze. “L-Luna, are you wearing a nurse outfit?”

“Why yes I am, my astute guard. I found it fitting for the moment.”

“I’ll follow you to Tartarus and back while you’re wearing that m’lady,” Lethe said with a sparkle in her eyes, her hooves to her mouth.

“Thank you my loyal guard,” Luna replied, smiling.

“So, Luna, what is it that you need lil’ ole us for?” Lethe said. She looked over at Hoplite, who still stood there with a huge blush on his face. She reached out with a hoof, closing his mouth. She frowned when it just fell back down. “Not my fault if he swallows a bug.”

“Sadly, my sister has fallen ill. Now no need to worry though, it is just centennial flu. It only affects alicorns like my sister and I. It is like the normal flu for ponies, but our flu season comes and goes every hundred years.”

“I’m sorry to hear that Luna,” Lethe replied.

“Fret not, my friend. She will make a full recovery.”

“So then, what do you need us for?”

“Ah,” Luna replied as she floated out a scroll from her pocket. She handed it to Lethe, who started reading it. “I plan to take care of my sister in the meantime. Sadly, my sister can act like a filly at times, and overreact to the smallest of things. My sister needs her rest. Given the chance, she will try to work which only prolong her illness.

“So, as long as my sister is sick, she is not fit to rule. That is her own order. I need you two to guard her room. Make sure nopony disturbs her, and make sure she stays in there so she can rest. I don’t need her running around trying to govern with the flu while coughing on everything.”

“Wait, you want us to do what?” Hoplite suddenly said as he shook his head. “You want us to do wh—”. His sentence was cut off as Lethe shoved a hoof his mouth. “Mmmphhh!”

“No worries Princess! You can count on us!” Lethe replied cheerfully.

“Thank you Private. Now I must be off to get my sister lunch. Make sure she gets her rest.”

“Aye-aye Princess!” Lethe replied cheerfully, her hoof still jammed in Hoplite’s muzzle. “Oh Luna, one more thing.”

“Yes?” Luna replied as she turned her head.

“Are you planning on having a little bit of fun with your sister?” Lethe asked with a small grin.

“Just a little,” Luna replied as she raised her hoof slightly. “After all, we are still sisters.”

“Excellent,” Lethe said, a positively evil grin spreading across her lips.

As Lethe watched Luna turn the corner of the hallway, she pulled her hoof free from Hoplite’s muzzle.

Hoplite gasped, panting as he tried to get some air back in his lungs. “What was that for?!” he asked as he glared at Lethe.

“You were lucky I stopped you,” Lethe said as she wiped her hoof on the ground.

“Stopped me from what?!”

“From running your mouth. Are you serious? You were about to question a direct order from Princess Luna herself, who was following protocol written by Princess Celestia! Sheesh, and here I thought you were a guard. Guess all that high and mighty pride you had was all for naught.”

“But, but...” Hoplite stammered as he fell to his haunches, his ears dropping.

“I mean, I even know when to follow an order! And you call yourself a guard.”

“But I—”

“Oh you’re so cute when you’re flustered you know that? Wanting to protect your crush Princess Celestia, right?” Lethe said as she pinched Hoplite’s cheeks.

“Gah! Get off me!” Hoplite said as he flailed his hooves.

“So cute,” Lethe said as she positioned herself on the other side of Celestia’s door. “Now get up lazy, we got a job to do.”

Hoplite sighed in defeat, his shoulders slouching. Slowly he got up, making his way to his position across from Lethe. He tried to lift his head up and get into the Traditional Royal Canterlot Guard Guarding Position, but couldn't. Eventually he just let it hang there.

Five minutes passed before Lethe groaned. “So bored. Hey Hoplite, want to play a game?”

Hoplite glared at her, not moving.

“C’mon it will be fun,” Lethe teased. “Oh I know, lets play some strip poker! Was always wondering what was under that cute lil’ armor of yours.”

Hoplite flared his nostrils, his chest heaving. Testosterone was coursing through his veins. You know what, he thought to himself. She needs to be a taught a lesson. I am the alpha male here, not her! I am going to beat her in her own little game. There is no way she can have a poker face. I can humiliate her and take away her armor. Then she will beg for it back. I can get her in trouble! I will win! I will not let her have her way again!

“Fine!” Hoplite shouted while stomping his hoof. “I will play your little game!”

“Excellent...” Lethe said seductively as she licked her fangs. She reached into her armor and pulled out a deck of cards. “Let’s play...”

Celestia flicked in and out of consciousness. Her stomach growled loudly. “I’m hungry,” Celestia said to herself. “I hope Luna brings something delicious. Cake sounds good.”

Celestia laid there, closing her eyes and trying to go back to sleep. Suddenly, her eyes sprang open. “No, no, no,” she said to herself. She yanked the covers off her bed as she got up. She floated over her robe and tied it on herself.

I am the Princess of the Sun! Celestia thought to herself. I eat what I choose to eat. I have not eaten alfalfa since I was a filly, and I will not start now. I banned it from the palace, and I would have banned it throughout Equestria if it weren’t for farmers who depended on it. Seriously, what sick world makes an alfalfa cutie mark!

“I am not going to let Luna torture me like this. I am a grown mare, darn it! Grown ponies do not eat alfalfa! I have to get out of here,” Celestia said as she made her way to her door.

Hoplite was not having a good time. He sat there, shivering to himself with nothing but his helmet on. His eyes looked over his cards, seeing Lethe with the rest of his armor next to her.

“Mmmm, now I get to see if the drapes match the carpet,” Lethe cooed softly as she licked her lips. She laid there, one hoof holding her cards, the other propping up her head. She still wore all her armor.

Hoplite wilted under Lethe’s serpentine eyes. She stared at him like a tiger over a wounded lamb. His wings fluttered while his face was red. He clutched at his cards in his hooves, massive beads of sweat forming on his brow.

“Your move, pretty boy,” Lethe said with a smirk and a wink.

Hoplite slowly reached for the deck of cards when the door next to him opened.

“I need to get out—,” Celestia said as she suddenly stopped in her tracks. She looked down, seeing a night pegasus guard mare laying there with a pile of armor next to her. Her eyes moved towards a white pegasus guard stallion who wore nothing but his helmet. He looked up at her, just as a doe would look at a pack of hungry wolves.

Not these two idiots, Celestia thought to herself. Of course Luna would have these two here.

“Heya Princess!” Lethe said cheerfully as she waved a hoof. “What’s up?”

FWOMP!!!

Both Celestia and Lethe stared as Hoplite fell over unconscious. They watched as he gave an occasionally twitch, drool starting to fall out his muzzle.

“He’s fine,” Lethe said nonchalantly as she nudged him with a hoof. “What can we do for you?”

“Oh nothing, I was just going for a little walk.” Celestia said with a forced smile. She moved her hoof forward, trying to take a step.

Instantly Lethe jumped in front of her, raising her hoof. “Sorry Princess, no can do. On orders from Luna to make sure you get your bedrest.”

Celestia eyes darted around. “Oh surely you can let me go for a small stroll, I promise to be back soon, really.”

“Sorry ma’am. You wrote the rule, I am just following it.”

“But it is such a silly old rule, I am just going for a walk,” Celestia chuckled weakly as she raised a hoof to her chest.

“Princess?”

“Yes, my little pony?”

“Are you wearing socks?” Lethe asked as she tilted her head, examining a sock covered hoof.

Celestia’s eyes widened, a blush appearing on her face. “No! You did not see anything!” she blurted out as she jumped back into her room, slamming the door shut.

“Worked easier than I thought,” Lethe said as she shrugged. “Hmm, thought Luna was the only one into socks.” She looked down at the twitching form of Hoplite, giving him a slight kick.

Hoplite twitched in response.

“I am hungry,” Lethe said out loud. “When is it lunch time?” Her eyes scanned Hoplite’s armor. She picked up his breast plate, pulling out his wallet. She opened it and pulled out a couple of bits.

“Well, I did win his armor, so by extension I also won his wallet,” she said to herself. “I can get some cake with this.” She put his wallet back, and took a step back towards her position.

“Actually,” she said as she reached for his wallet again. “A drink wouldn’t hurt either.”

Author's Note

Special thanks to editors Zeta040 and conantheimp.

Thanks to Shanenator for final read through.

Thanks to PoisonSt for drawing the first picture of Celestia.

Second image belongs to equestria-prevails

Last image is by ArthurPearson. Please, if you want more pics, go thank him on his page or is DA page here. Like him, thank him, or whatever if you want more pictures. It takes people time to do this for a story.

Lastly, a big thanks to Dawnscroll for not only letting me use his wonderful characters, Hoplite and Lethe from A Slice of Life, and editing this chapter.

A Research Journal of a Madpony Pt. II

An excerpt from Foxe Yi Kimchi's research journal.

There are rumors spreading throughout Canterlot this morning as Her Majesty Princess Celestia did not appear at court this morning. The rumors vary from a hostile takeover of Her Majesty Princess Luna (which really makes absolutely no sense as the sun is in the sky and is also extremely disrespectful to Princess Luna. She has paid her dues and is a beloved Princess whom I would trust with my life. Really, the notion of any hostile takeover is rather silly as there are no fires or smoke anywhere. It is stupid to believe in such silly rumors as these, that is why I am a scientist.) to Twilight Sparkle messing up a spell (again such a thing would most likely cause chaos. Since the sky's not falling the rumor is most likely false too). However, I did hear a something between the guards that Princess Celestia is sick.

Oh what a lucky break if this is true! OmygoshOmygoshOmygoshOmygoshOmygosh! There is a chance that I can collect a sample and study an alicorn disease! What luck! What fortune! I can FINALLY BEAT TWILIGHT—

I mean what terrible and unfathomable tragedy that has befallen the land! Our shining sun has fallen ill! What a terrible curse! I must collect a sample so that I can save our beloved Princess of the Sun and cure her of her terrible disease!

But how would a lowly microbiologist with no connections to the palace collect a sample from one of the Princess themselves? Is it possible that this is the same disease that was mentioned in the stories that I heard. If it is, then maybe there is a chance I can collect one. If I manage to get hold of a discarded tissue than maybe I can culture the pathogen in lab. It would be so much better if I could get a cheek swab or blood work. Oh how would I do anything for such a sample! I would let the Princess herself spit in my face so I can get it! Provided of course that she would spit in a sterile petri dish or bag. Such a small payment for science.

Anyway, maybe if I can get in the palace I can dig around in the trash. Maybe I can ask a palace staff to get one for me? Maybe, just maybe, I can ask Princess Luna herself to help me! Oh I would beg and grovel at her hooves to let me get a sample!

I must plan! Maybe I can get into the palace and ask around! Maybe there is a chance for science!!! I am so excited I can barely contain myself. This could be it, my one shot to greatness. I can finally get that publication I so desperately want help Princess with her illness of course!

I must investigate this rumor. If it is true,I must gather my things and prepare a plan, as science awaits us!

For science!

Foxe Yi Kimchi

Author's Note

A little short something that I made. It is a research journal, so perfect grammar should not be expected. Also, I added a NEW picture to the previous chapter.

Tartarus' Kitchen

There is a quote that has long been written of the two rulers of Equestria. All that the light of day’s sun touches is the domain of Princess Celestia. All that the light of the night moon touches is the domain of Princess Luna.

While it is a nice and pretty quote that the majority of Equestrians believe, those who work in the palace know that is only 99.9% true. For in the palace they know that if one looked really hard in the fine print, they would see that there is indeed one exception to that quote. There is one place on Earth that is under the control of neither Princess Celestia nor Luna. No matter how much sunlight or moonlight hits it, it will never be in their control, despite the fact that this very place is within the palace walls.

No, that one small area is under the control of another being. A dictator so brutal and heavy hoofed that it makes Discord, Nightmare Moon, Queen Chrysalis, and King Sombra combined look tame. Many words have been used to describe this tyrant. Profane, demeaning, insulting, angry, critical, arrogant, narcissistic, and wooly. The palace kitchen was its own country, ruled by the terrible head chef, Ram Sea.

CRASH!

“Ye’ call this food?!” Chef Ram Sea shouted in a crying mare’s face as he threw a plate of food on the ground. “Ah wouldnae e’en wipe mah own arse wi’ ‘at! Now try again!”

“An’ Ye!” Ram Sea shouted as he turned around a pointed a hoof at a colt. “Ye are gonnae burn th’ dish! Fix it now befaire Ah slice aff yer flank an’ put it on tonight’s menu!”

Chef Ram Sea continued to shout at the numerous chefs in the kitchen, leaving a trail of salty tears and shattered dreams.

“Psst, Copper,” Silver Whisk, a light grey unicorn, whispered. “Seems like ole’ Ram Sea is going on another one of his temper tantrums.”

“Yep,” Copper Kettle, a burnt orange unicorn, replied back as he mixed a bowl. “Judging by the looks of it, it is going to be a good one.”

“Got that right,” Silver Whisk said as he nudged Copper, “oh look he already made Cherry Delight to cry.”

“Poor gal. Looks like Iron Pot is already starting to break down.” Copper replied as he looked over his shoulder.

“Aye, it is Ram Sea after all.” Silver Whisk carefully looked around, before beckoning his friend closer. “I was chatting with the guards yesterday afternoon, and did you know what they heard? They said that Telly the Royal Barber once sheared his wool too much, and you’ll never guess what ol’ Ram Sea has under that sweater of his!”

“Noooo,” Copper whispered in delight, a grin breaking across his face. “Don’t tell me he has—“

“A cutie mark! Two of them in fact! One for cooking and making others cry.” Silver said with a laugh.

“Yep. Makes me wonder, how many ponies are going to cry today because of Ram Sea?” Copper asked.

“Hmmm, maybe nine? Silver said as he shrugged.

“You should add two to that list.”

“Why is th—” Silver said as he stopped mid-sentence and looked behind him. There, stood the angriest sheep ever walk to the plains of Equestria.

Copper and Silver booth stood there, bracing themselves for one of Chef Ram Sea famous triade.

“Why Ah ought tae—”

“Are you three busy with something?” a voice called out.

Ram Sea, Copper, and Silver all turned their heads to face the voice. “Princess Luna!” they all cried out.

“I do hope I am not interrupting something important,” Luna said with a regal air and a slight smile.

Instantly both Copper and Silver bowed low, their heads almost touching the ground. Ram Sea however strolled up to her, standing on his hindlegs and looking straight into her eyes.

“Yeah, what do ye’ want? Lunch is not for anither hour.”

“Ah, greetings head chef,” Luna said with a smile. “I don’t know if you have heard or not, but my sister is ill with the flu. So I was wondering if you could make her a special lunch so that I may bring it to her.”

“Oh,” Ram Sea responded as his ears perked. “A special lunch ye say?”

“Indeed,” Luna said with a smile. “My sister is ill so I need a meal to make her feel better.”

Both Copper Kettle and Silver Whisk kept their heads low to the ground.

“Oh great,” Silver whispered to Copper as he opened an eye. “Ol’ Ram Sea has that look in his eye. He gets to make a special meal and show off his cooking.”

“Yep,” Copper replied as he rolled his eyes.

“Hey Copper,” Silver whispered.

“What?”

“Is it me, or is Princess Luna wearing a nurse outfit?”

Cooper eyes widened as he cautiously snuck a peek up at Luna. “Holy—she is!”

“Wow...she looks really hot in that.” Silver said, a dreamy look in his eyes.

“Dude, that’s the Princess!” Copper said with a blush.

“Do you think we can get both Princesses to wear something like that?”

“Shut up and be respectful!” Copper replied as his blush increased.

“Nah, you just want to stop talking because you’re visualizing it right now…”

“Shut your mouth!” Copper hissed. “Think cold showers, think cold showers.”

“Don’t forget Princess Cadance…”

“Thats it!” Copper said as he tackled Silver.

Chef Ram Sea and Princess Luna stopped talking as the looked down at the two wrestling ponies.

“Um—what are they doing?” Luna asked with a raised eyebrow.

“They’re about to git served a dish of bludy raw flank wi’ a side helpin’ of mah hoof down their gullets,” Ram Sea hissed through his teeth as he stood above the two ponies. “Hey idiots, get up now!”

Copper Kettle and Silver Whisk instantly stood at attention, their chest puffed out. “Ah should skin ye two alive right now, but ‘en ‘at would ruin mah guid knives on yer worthless hides!” the sheep muttered darkly before turning back to Luna. “Now Princess,” Ram Sea grunted, “What do ye need?”

Luna’s horn glowed as she brought a parchment to Ram Sea’s hooves. “Everything should be on this list.”

“Hmmm,” Ram Sea replied as he rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Och, Ah can do this.”

“Excellent, then I will pick it up when ready.” Luna replied with a smile.

“Just a wee question though,” Ram Sea said as he raised an eyebrow.

“Yes?”

“Ah am wonderin’ why thaur is ‘Low Fat’ an’ ‘Low Calorie’ next tae each item in bold letters.” Ram Sea asked.

“Well, I am simply looking after my sister’s health.” Luna replied with a smile. “And there is no pick upper for a flu quite like fresh soup!”

Ram Sea rolled his eyes “Bah, ye donnae need soup for a flu. What ye’ sister needs is a bowl ay warm mash an’ a tall hot toddy with extra hoofin’ ay whiskey. Serve to her at night, and have her hoot like a bairn owl twice. She’ll be right as rain by mornin’.”

Luna’s smile weakened ever so slightly. “I’m not quite sure that-“

“Do ye dare doubt th’ effectiveness of th’ Clan Sea family traditions?” Ram Sea asked, a twinge of hurt in his voice. “Here, let me demonstrate! Copper!” The unicorn sprung to his hooves with a salute. “Go an’ catch a flu, be quick about it! Silver, you go an’ play in traffic an’ Ah’ll-“

“There will be no need for that,” Luna said hurriedly, to the immense relief the younger cooks. “I am certain that the head chef of Canterlot Palace is able to prepare a dish to those specifications.”

“Of course Ah can!” Ram Sea snorted in response. “But Ah’d rather not follow these instructions.”

“What?” Luna said, aghast, “Why not?”

“Because Ah only make dishes ‘at are perfect.” Ram Sea replied flatly, attempting to snootily look down his nose at Luna. Unfortunately she was much too tall for that to work.

“What? Surely a chef of your skill can make these modern low-fat alternative foodstuffs taste good!” Luna cried out.

“Well of course Ah can, but th’ fact of the’ matter is if Ah did use, ugh, alternatives in mah cuisine, it wouldnae taste as well as it should. Ah will not make a dish unless it is 100% perfect!” Ram Sea retorted as he stomped a hoof.

“B-but,” Luna cried out, her eyes wide. “Think of my sister’s health!”

“Ah am sure Celestia will be just fine using normal ingredients.” Ram Sea replied nonchalantly as he waived his hoof. “Ah’ll see if Ah can’t e’en sneak th’ toddy in thaur.”

“B-but—!”

“No more buts! Ye ignore mah advice and ask meh tae make a special dish, then ye have tae follow mah demands.” Ram Sea replied as he lifted his chin, eyes closed.

“Tis not fair!” Luna whined as she stomped her hoof.

“And why is it not fair, oh Princess oy mine?”

“Because!” Luna replied, her eye twitching.

“Because…?” Ram Sea replied as he raised an eyebrow.

“Because tis not fair!” Luna shouted in frustration, stomping her hoof and flaring her wings out. "Tis not fair that thy own sister gets all the attention! Over the past millennium my sister’s flank has only gotten bigger and somehow she hast received even more admiration than before! Always it is ‘By Celestia’s holy flank!’ or ‘Sweet Celestia’s butt!’. Everypony ogle’s mine sister’s rump! Why does nopony praise our flank? Is our flank not good enough?” Luna paused to peer over at the painting of the night sky on her rump.

“Tis just not fair! I too desire to be fawned at once in a while! Do I not deserve some attention and praise for my looks too? Am I not attractive as well? Yes, I made a few mistakes in the past, but I have paid my dues! The moon flank is just as good... or even better than my sister’s!” She glared at Ram, “I do not need my sister’s butt to be any larger! For fear that she will just hog even more of the stallions’ attention! There! That is why it is not fair!”

It was suddenly clear to everyone in the room at the moment that the fires of rage were burning in the lunar princess’ eyes as she bared her teeth in a frightening snarl. “You WILL prepare this dish to my specifications!”

Copper Kettle and Silver Whisk stood there, mouths agape and twisted into fearful frowns, and a strange blush on their faces, along with every other pony in the kitchen.

“Well…” Silver Whisk whispered to Copper. “I know what I’m dreaming about tonight…”

“You do know that she goes into our dreams, right?”

“…that’ll make it even better.”

The tyrannical chef merely stared bemused at Luna for a few moments with one eyebrow only slightly raised. “Ah see.” A rare smirk appeared on the demon-sheep’s muzzle. Nopony was quite sure what was going on in that bizarre horned head of his. “Ah suppose we wouldnae want th’ sun butt tae become any larger than it is already.”

A grateful smile spread across the Luna’s face. “Then it is settled,” she replied with a huge sigh of relief.

“And Princess,” Ram Sea whispered he brought his head closer to Luna’s. “If ye want stallion’s attention, all ye have tae do is flaunt it e’ery now an’ ‘en.”

“Really?” Luna said with surprise.

“Of course,” he affirmed, the odd smirk remaining plastered to his face. “Just take a look at this sad lot here. Ah know these losers, ‘ey are slightly better than th’ majority of th’ population, that is why ‘ey are permitted within mah kitchen. If ye can make ‘em gawk like that, then ye’ can make every other pony as randy as hares.” Ram Sea said as he pointed towards his staff.

“Really?” Luna said with excitement.

“Of course. All ye’ gotta do is shake yer hips every now and ‘en in front of some ponies, and they’ll be falling straight into your hooves.”

“Tis wonderful news!” Luna replied with a slight jump. “But wait, then how are you not affected if everyone around here seems in a daze.”

“Simple,” Ram Sea replied. “Ah’m a ram, ye're not wooly enough for mah sophisticated tastes.”

“Oh, well that makes sense. Yes of course.” Luna said as she rubbed her chin. “Well then I guess I shall be off. I must attend to a few things for my sister.”

“Ah’ll take care of it,” Ram Sea said as he watched Luna leave. Suddenly he turned around, ramming his head in front of Copper and Silver. “What do you think you are doing? We have soup tae make for her highness! Get meh onion and celery, on th’ double!”

“Yes Head Chef!” they cried, before running for the pantry. A heap of celery was dropped on the table in front of the sheep, and the two flung themselves into peeling onions as fast as their magic would permit.

Ram Sea plucked a knife from a nearby rack and swiftly began dicing the vegetables in silence. Copper Kettle and Silver Whisk dared not breathe a word to each other, lest they provoke the sheep further. Occasionally, Ram Sea would pause in his work to mutter something in Coltish before throwing a sidelong glance their way.

“Three,” the chef said suddenly. Silver Whish and Copper Kettle looked up from their mounds of onions.

“What?” Copper asked. Ram Sea glanced back at them, a smug grin buried beneath his wool.

“Ah’ll have ye know that ye were nearly spot on wi’ mah special talents, but Ah have actually have three cutie marks.”

Both of their jaws fells open in disbelief. “What?! No way-” Copper began, before recovering his sense. “You’re messing with us right now, aren’t you?”

“Ah swair on mah lamb’s wooly ears, Ah’m tellin’ ye’ th’ truth.”

“Then what’s the third one for?”

The chef brought his carving knife with a solid ‘thunk’ down onto the cutting board. “Och, just a wee bit o’ necromancy.”

Author's Note

Thanks to theRedBrony for helping me proofreading this.

And a MASSIVE thanks to Dawnscroll for letting me use his characters, but also helping me with Ram Sea's accent. There is no freaking way I could ever get his accent right, so I went straight to the master himself. He made this chapter much better with his touch and added parts.

And if you are wondering who Ram Sea is, might I recommend Dawnscroll's A Slice of Life. Seriously, if you have not read this, go read it now.

A Moment of Peace

“I come bringing food, sister!” Luna chimed as she entered the room, pushing a trolley of food with her.

“Oh hey, Luna,” Celestia sniffed, her nose cherry red. She slowly shifted in bed, trying to sit upright on a small mountain of pillows.

“Hungry?”

“I am actually quite famished to be honest,” Celestia said as she sniffed yet again.

“Well good thing I asked Head Chef Ram Sea to make you your lunch!”

Celetia sat up a little more, her ears perking. “Oh, that sounds heavenly, Lulu. I really could use some good food right now.”

Luna’s eyes widened, her mouth slightly agape as a shade of crimson took her face. “W—what did you just call me?”

Celestia gave a sly smile. “Oh, don’t tell me you forgot your lil’ nickname when you were naught but a filly.”

“I am not a filly!” Luna shouted, her face scrunched up while her cheeks were puffed out with a slight blush.

“Oh hush, sister,” Celestia coughed slightly, a smirk still on her face. “If I recall, you enjoyed that pet name when we were young…”

“I am not young anymore, I am a full grown mare!” Luna huffed.

“But young enough to still be and always be my little sister,” Celestia replied with a smile.

Luna stood there, her mouth slightly agape. She quickly shook her head. “Do you want your food or not?”

“You’re right,” Celestia answered with a sheepish grin. “Sorry for teasing, Luna. It was wrong of me to do so.”

Luna huffed, lifting her head slightly as she levitated a large bowl of soup and a small bed table. “Here, Ram Sea made you some vegetable stew.”

“It looks wonderful, Luna,” Celestia said, her mouth watering ever so slightly. Slowly, she took a spoonful of her meal, closing her eyes as she took her time to savor the taste. Everything made by Chef Ram Sea was a masterpiece, no matter the dish. Celestia’s eyes opened as she swallowed, a slight frown on her face.

“Is something wrong, sister? Does it not taste good?”

“It is good, sister, but it is not great. Usually everything he makes is amazing. But this is just… good. Don’t get me wrong, sister! It is delicious. But by Ram Sea’s standard, it is as if it was missing something. Like it could have been better…”

Luna darted her eyes around, tugging on her collar slightly. “Don’t be ridiculous, sister. It must be the flu that is affecting your taste. I heard that smell is a huge factor in taste, and since you cannot smell anything, it is altering the taste of the food.”

Celestia grabbed a tissue and blew her nose. “Yeah, that must be it, Luna. I simply can’t smell anything right. My nose is so clogged right now.”

Luna let out a small sigh. Phew…

Celestia sat there, quickly finishing her meal.

"So was the meal satisfactory?" Luna asked, a small smirk appearing on her face.

“Quite,” Celestia replied.

“See, I told you, sister.”

“Told me what?”

“I may have sneaked some alfalfa in there. Told you that you would grow out of your dislike of it.”

The color instantly drained from Celestia’s face, her pupils shrinking. “Oh no…”

“What now?” Luna asked nonchalantly.

“I am going to be sick.”

“Sister, stop being stupid, you already are sick…”

“I’m going to be even more sick!”

Luna slapped her face with her hoof. My sister is an idiot…

“Luna, we need to make haste! Take me to the hospital so I can have my stomach pumped!”

Luna hit her face even harder, wincing when she felt it sting. “Sister, calm down, I was just making a joke…”

“What? You mean it was a cruel prank? How could you?”

“Yes, it was just a prank,” Luna lied. “Okay, I’m sorry.”

“That was quite mean, Luna,” Celestia said with a pout.

“Yes, yes I know,” Luna sighed. “Anyway, feeling better?”

“A little, still just feel awful all over,” Celestia replied.

“I was afraid so. Here, I made this for you,” Luna said as she levitated a large glass.

Celestia grabbed it with her hooves, staring at it. Her ears flattened as she looked at the black, viscous concoction. “Luna, what is this?”

“It is medicine, a very powerful one. But it will make you feel better and help with your symptoms right now,” Luna answered as she sat down next to the bed.

“No offense, but this looks disgusting.”

“None taken. You are right, it is most foul. I tried a small portion earlier.”

Celestia bit her lower lip as she stared at the vile sludge. “I don’t think I can do it,” she finally said.

“Come now, you are a big pony. I am sure you can handle this.”

“I c—can’t.”

Luna chuckled slightly. “Sometimes, I wonder how you are the eldest when you act like a foal. Look, I brought dessert. I will give it to you if you finish all of the medicine.”

Celestia looked at Luna warily. “What kind of dessert?”

Luna smiled as she levitated a small bowl. “Rainbow sherbet. Something sweet, cool, and easy on the stomach.” And low in fat...

“That’s cruel, Luna, you know I have a sweet tooth.”

“Come now, sister, stop being so dramatic. Look, I promise that you will feel better the moment you take it. The sooner you take it, the sooner you can leave that bed.”

Celestia sighed lowly in defeat. “Fine, I’ll do it.” She stared at the black liquid, gulping. If this taste as bad as it looks then this will not be pleasant. Closing her eyes, she placed her lips on the edge of the glass and quickly threw her head back, trying to chug it down as fast as possible.

Celestia gagged the moment she finished it. She quickly threw the glass away as she held her mouth with her hooves, her face turning green. Her eyes locked on the small dessert her sister held in her hooves. She quickly swiped it and devoured it, desperately trying to rid the foul taste in her mouth.

“By the Sun and the Moon, that was awful!” Celestia exclaimed as she lifted her head out of the dessert bowl, a small amount of sherbet stuck on her muzzle.

“I know, isn’t it?”

Celestia opened her mouth to reply, but let out a long groan as she leaned back. Her body felt heavy, the soreness in her joints slowly dissipating.

“Feeling better?” Luna asked as she gently dabbed Celestia’s muzzle with a damp cloth.

“Yeah,” Celestia drawled, her breathing becoming slower. Her eyelids felt heavy as she struggled to keep them open. “Luna, I feel really tired all of a sudden…”

“Do not worry, dear sister,” Luna said as she fluffed Celestia pillows. “I just added a few herbs to help you sleep. I take it you did have a fruitful sleep last night, so now just rest.” She removed the small bed table and empty dishes, putting them neatly back on the trolley. She smiled gently as she slowly pulled up the blankets, tucking Celestia in.

“Thanks, Luna,” Celestia sighed, her eyelids drooping even lower.

“It is my pleasure,” Luna answered as she gently placed a damp cloth on her sister’s forehead. “I’ll just let you rest now—”

“Wait,” Celestia weakly interrupted. “Before you leave, admit it. You like being called Lulu, don’t you?”

Luna blushed as she averted her eyes slightly. “Fine… I do, but not in public and only by you…”

“I knew it,” Celestia chuckled slightly. “Before I forget, Luna, I just want to say how much I missed you, and how I am so happy that you’re back. I can’t say it enough.”

“I know,” Luna replied, her eyes becoming slightly damp as she gently patted Celestia's hoof.

Luna watched as her sister’s eyes closed, her chest rising and falling slowly. “Sweet dreams, Tia.”

Author's Note

Thanks to the wonderful Kevinltk for editing!

Drastic Measures

“Lethe, come on!” Hoplite whined as he buckled the last piece of his armor on.

“You’re still complaining?” Lethe replied as she rolled her eyes, playing with Hoplite’s helmet in her hooves.

“This is serious, Lethe!” Hoplite exclaimed as he reached a hoof out to his helmet.

Lethe hissed as she pulled it away.

“Come on!” Hoplite complained.

“Why should I?” Lethe asked as she raised an eyebrow.

“Shining Armor is going to tan my flank if I tell him I lost part of my uniform!”

“So it is my fault that you decided to bet all of it away in a game of strip poker?”

“I…” Hoplite muttered as he fell to his haunches. “I thought I was going to win…”

“You should be thanking me instead!” Lethe exclaimed as she held onto her prize. “Even though you bet your helmet for the rest of your gear, I still gave your stuff back. And now you’re mad at me even though, out of the generosity of my heart, I gave the rest of your uniform back.”

“But I still need my helmet!”

“Well you should have just folded instead.”

“But I had four aces!”

“And I had a straight flush. Tough luck.”

“There was no way you had a hoof higher than mine!”

“But I did.”

“You had to be cheating.”

“Hey!” Lethe snapped as she brought her head right in front of Hoplite. “I didn’t cheat, got that? I won because I can read you like a book.”

“But—”

“No butts! Not even Celestia or Luna’s! I won. You lost. That is all there is to it.”

“But you’re not even going to use it…”

“I will.”

“How?”

“Hmmm…” Lethe replied as she rubbed her chin.

“Lethe, seriously, just give me back my hel—”

“Aha!” Lethe suddenly exclaimed. She took the helmet and placed it on top of her own helmet. She stood at attention and puffed out her chest, two helmets stacked atop her head.

There was a loud thud as Hoplite’s face hit his hoof. “Lethe… what are you doing?”

“That is no way to speak to your superior, Private!” Lethe snapped.

There was another loud thud. “Lethe… we are both privates.”

“Nuh uh.”

“Yes huh, now stop acting like an idiot, and give me my helmet back.”

“Don’t sass me, Private!” Lethe chastised sternly as she pointed her hoof at him.

“Lethe, for the last time you don’t outrank me… we are both privates.”

“That is double private to you!” Lethe stated with a grin.

“Wait, what?” Hoplite asked as his eyes widened. “How does that work?”

“Double the hat, double the stat,” Lethe replied with a smirk.

“It does not work like that!”

“Somepony sounds jealous…”

“I’m not jealous!”

There was a soft click as the door between them opened slightly, a blue hoof appearing as neither of the two guards took notice.

“Ahem,” a soft voice called out.

Both Lethe and Hoplite snapped to attention. “Princess Luna!” they both said in unison.

“At ease, you two,” Luna replied as she walked out and stood in front of the two. An eyebrow arched up as she took a look at the two. “Private Lethe, may I ask why you are wearing two helmets?”

“Won it in a bet, ma’am,” Lethe replied, her face serious.

“And Private Hoplite, may I ask why you are not wearing a helmet?” Luna asked.

“I… I lost it in a bet…” Hoplite muttered as he wilted.

“I see,” Luna said as she rubbed her chin. “And I can presume that this ‘bet’ was between you two?”

Both guards nodded, Lethe more vigorously.

“Very well,” Luna said with a slight shrug. “Private Hoplite.”

“Yes, Princess?” Hoplite replied as he stood back at attention.

“You should never bet against Private Lethe,” Luna remarked with a smirk.

“That’s double private, Princess,” Lethe interrupted.

“Yes, Double Private Lethe. As I was saying, Private Hoplite, she doesn’t lose,” Luna replied with a smile.

Hoplite hung his head again. “I know…”

“Anyway,” Luna said, “my sister is finally asleep. I am going to make an announcement about what is going on, so I want you to make sure that Celestia is not disturbed. Do not let anypony bother her. Is that clear?”

“Aye aye, Princess!” Lethe replied with a salute, a wicked, toothy grin on her face.

“Lethe…”

“Yes, Princess?”

“No lethal force.”

“What?” Lethe whined, her helmets rattling.

“Lethe…”

“Fine…” Lethe said as she fell on her haunches, crossing her forehooves.

“Good, now, make sure no pony disturbs my sister.”

“Yes, Princess,” Hoplite and Lethe replied with a salute, Lethe’s shoulders drooping slightly.

The two guards watched as Princess Luna walked out of sight. Hoplite glared at his partner. “Why didn’t you tell me Princess Luna was here?” he hissed.

“Hey,” Lethe replied as she raised her hooves. “Don’t get mad at me because you passed out when you saw your boss in socks.”

“I did not!” Hoplite cried out, his face turning red.

“Yeah, yeah. You just took a nap, right?”

“I—”

“Mmmhmmm, just resting your eyes.”

“I-I…” Hoplite stammered.

There was a thump as Hoplite sat down. “Did Princess Luna get mad when she saw me?”

“Nah, I just threw your armor on and said you were not feeling well. Just needed a minute to lay down. It worked.”

“Oh… thanks.”

“Yep.”

“Can I have my helmet back?”

“Fat chance.”

There was a loud murmur throughout the throne room. The entire palace staff and both the Day and Night guard stood shoulder to shoulder in the cramped room. Most of the Night Guard and the staff that worked the graveyard shift yawned and rubbed their eyes. There were a few shouts between ponies, shoving one another as they tried to make room.

Soft hoofbeats filled the room as Luna appeared from behind the throne. She stood there, closing her eyes and puffing out her chest. She hated to admit it, but she did like when ponies gave her a bow, especially after her long vacation.

Seconds passed. There was no sound of shuffling hooves or ponies scrambling to bow, just silence. Luna opened her eyes, gasping ever so slightly as she looked at the crowd.

They all stood there, their eyes wide and jaws open, a blush on most of their faces.

“What?” Luna asked nervously. “Is… is something wrong?”

Again seconds passed.

“Is that a nurse outfit?” a pony called out in the back.

“Oh,” Luna said with a blush. “How silly and inappropriate of me.” With a clap of her hooves, Luna’s crown replaced the nurse’s cap on her head. “There, much better.”

The crowd continued to stare, their blushes more prevalent.

Luna coughed into her hoof. “Now, I know many of you ponies are wondering why I have summoned you. Sadly, my sister has caught the flu.”

A loud gasp came from the audience.

“Now, now, there is no need to worry. It is just a simple illness, and my sister will make a full recovery.”

There was a collective sigh of relief among the ponies.

“Now, being a good sister and following an ancient law that my sister had placed, it is my duty to take care of her until she recovers.”

The ponies in the crowd nodded in agreement.

“With my sister and I unable to perform our normal duties, beside raising and lowering the sun and the moon, it is up to you fine ponies to run Equestria in our absence,” Luna announced with a smile. “I am confident that you are up the task. You are the best of the best.”

Another loud gasp filled the room.

“Wait, what?” a pony cried out.

Silence filled the room.

Suddenly, another pony cried out. “Wait, you mean we have to work?”

“What?” Luna asked, her face scrunched in confusion before she let out a laugh. “Oh, I see, this must be some clever, modern joke. Tis most funny. Surely my sister didn’t do all the work while I was gone.”

Yet another silence descended upon the room.

“Sure…” the crowd mumbled.

“Excellent,” Luna said with a smile and a clasp of her hooves. However, her smile slowly disappeared as she saw the desperate faces of her little ponies.

They must be so sad knowing my sister is sick, Luna thought as she rubbed her chin with a hoof. Always about my sister, probably worrying over her large posterior. What about me? Where is my thanks for taking care of her? Shouldn’t I get some affection too?

Luna gasped as her eyes widened. “Excuse me, my little ponies,” she called out. She watched as the entire room looked at her. Taking her cue, she took a few steps away from the throne before stopping. Remembering the advice from Chef Ram Sea, she gave her flank the slightest of shakes with a flick of her tail.

There was a loud crash.

Luna looked back. Most of her subjects had collapsed to the ground. The few that were standing were trying to hide their beet-red faces. With a satisfied ‘hmph’, she took her leave.

After exiting the throne room, the Night Princess gave a small jump in the air, pumping her hoof. “The Moon Flank still has it!” she cried out.

Hoplite’s head felt empty and cold without his helmet. His eyes scanned the bat pony next to him, his helmet sitting half-hazardly on top of another helmet.

He let out a large sigh.

“Something wrong, Private?” Lethe asked.

“We are both privates…”

“Double private.”

“Lethe… just no.”

“You know, if I am a double private, then that must make you a half private.”

“What?!”

“Well, you don’t have a helmet, so….”

“It does not work like that!”

“Then how does it work, hmmm?”

“I… I,” Hoplite stammered.

“Exactly!” Lethe exclaimed. “You don’t know, now shush.”

Hoplite hung his head for the hundredth time that day.

The two stood there, a silence between them.

“Hey, hey!” a voice called out.

Lethe and Hoplite both turned their head towards the end of the hallway. Lethe let out a loud groan as she saw none other than Prince Blueblood walk up to them.

“Why him?” Lethe whispered to herself.

Blueblood stopped before the two guards, his nose held high. “I need to speak with the Princess.”

Hoplite tugged on his breastplate. “Um, sorry Prince Blueblood, but Princess Celestia is not seeing anyone right now.”

“What, why not?” Blueblood replied as he raised an eyebrow.

“Sorry, but we have orders. Princess Celestia is not to be disturbed at all.” Hoplite stated.

“Nonsense. I just heard the news that my aunt is sick, and I want to see her. I am family after all, so I think I count as an exception,” Blueblood calmly stated.

“I am sorry, Prince Blueblood, but we have our orders.”

“I do not have time with this. I will deal with the consequences later,” Blueblood said as he gently pushed Hoplite out of the way.

Lethe’s eye twitched, her teeth clenching.

“Woah there,” Lethe replied as she jumped in front of prince. “Didn’t you hear him? She is not seeing anypony right now. So beat it.”

“Excuse me?” Blueblood exclaimed, a hint of annoyance in his voice. “What did you say to me?”

“You heard me, beat it,” Lethe said, jabbing Blueblood’s chest with her hoof.

Blueblood jump back, a look of disgust in his face. “How dare you touch me you… you peasant!”

Lethe frowned as she took a step forward. “Who you calling a peasant, chump?”

Blueblood took a step back, his face contorting in rage. “W-what did you call me?”

“You heard me, chump.”

Blueblood body quaked in anger, his face turning red. “You insolent b—”

“Holy crap, there is a changeling behind you!” Lethe interrupted as she pointed her hoof.

“What?” Blueblood yelped as he instantly turned around.

There was a sparkle in Lethe’s eye and a wicked grin on her face as she grabbed her extra helmet and swung it down with vicious force.

There was a loud crash as Blueblood dropped to the floor, a large bump on his head.

“Lethe!” Hoplite gasped.

“What?” Lethe asked as she looked down at the pony before her.

“W-what did you do?”

“Following orders, duh.”

“You just attacked Prince Blueblood!”

“No, I was making sure that doofus didn’t bother Princess Celestia. Remember our orders?”

"But... but Princess Luna said no lethal force!"

“Hmmm,” Lethe said as she rubbed her chin with her hoof. She gave Blueblood a gentle buck. The prince let out a gurgle in response. “See, he’s still alive. Pretty sure he has a thick skull.”

“But… but,” Hoplite replied, his eye twitching frantically.

Lethe, however, looked down at her extra helmet. A large dent had appeared in it. She pushed it towards Hoplite. “You can have your helmet back. I don’t want it anymore.”

There was a clanking of armor as Lethe and Hoplite carried Blueblood.

“By Celestia’s Sun, why did you hit Blueblood?” Hoplite groaned as he carried Blueblood’s hindlegs.

“I was following orders!” Lethe hissed as she held Blueblood’s forelegs. “Also, Luna has a Moon, you know.”

“What?” Hoplite asked as he blinked. He shook his head. “What does that have to do with anything? Regardless, you knocked him out!”

“Following orders.”

“Don’t you think you went a tad too far? Seriously, he just wanted to see his aunt.”

“He called me a peasant!” Lethe exclaimed as she threw her hooves in the air, dropping the prince.

Hoplite grunted as he stumbled forward. Sighing, he gently placed the prince down. “Lethe, you can’t hit somepony whenever you want, especially Prince Blueblood. He is royalty after all.”

“I don’t care! Nopony insults me like that!”

There was a thud as Hoplite’s hoof met his face. “Look, just let take care of this, okay?”

“Fine,” Lethe said with a groan, picking up Blueblood again.

Hoplite looked down at Blueblood’s lower half. He turned his head away as he picked him up again. “Why am I carrying his lower half?”

“I gave you back your helmet, didn’t I?”

Hoplite looked up at his helmet. “Yeah, with a massive dent in it.”

“Not my problem.”

Hoplite let out a loud sigh. “So… where are we taking him?”

“Don’t worry, I got this.”

The two guards continued before stopping in front of a plain wooden door.

“Ok, we’re here,” Lethe said as she dropped the prince again.

“What, where?” Hoplite asked as he looked around.

“There,” Lethe said as she pointed at the door.

Hoplite turned his head.

There was a heavy silence between the two.

“Lethe…”

“Yeah?”

“Thats a closet!”

Another silence.

“And?”

“We can’t do that!”

“Yeah, we can, and yeah, we are.”

“That is so illegal!”

“Do you want him to see you when he wakes up?”

Hoplite looked away, biting his lower lip. “Fine, but this is all on you!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Lethe replied with a roll of her eyes while opening the door. “Just shut yer yap, and help me.”

“I can’t believe I am doing this…” Hoplite said as he picked up the unconscious prince.

“Then don’t,” Lethe replied as she dragged Blueblood into the closet. “Pretend this was all a dream. It’ll help my cover story.”

The two guards looked down at the prince, his head resting on a broom.

“You sure he will be okay?” Hoplite asked.

“Yes,” Lethe replied as she slammed the door shut. “Let’s get out of here before somepony sees us!”

Author's Note

Thanks to Kevinltk for editing!

And special thanks to Dawnscroll for not only allowing me to use his characters, but also pre-reading it.

Winner

Ink Well, a small, grey unicorn mare and assistant secretary to Princess Celestia, stood right next to the throne. She looked at the staff and the guards in the quiet throne room, gulping as she adjusted her collar. “Everypony please!” she shouted while waving her hoof.

The other ponies in the room looked up at the mare.

“We have been given a task!” she exclaimed.

“Yeah!” the crowd joined together.

“We are in dire times, my fellow ponies. Our nation... our princesses are in need!”

The crowd was silent.

“We are the proud ponies of The Equestrian Civil Service!”

“And The Royal Guard!” a pegasus guard shouted near the base of the throne.

“Yes, and The Royal Guard,” Ink Well exclaimed, albeit quieter. “Anyway, we must rise to the occasion!”

“Yeah!”

“We are proud!”

“Yeah!”

“We are strong!”

“And we don’t need any princesses!”

“Yeah!”

“Wait,” a pony in the back shouted. “But I like Princess Celestia and Luna.”

“Hey, yeah, I like them too.”

“They’re nice to me.”

“Yep, same here.”

“I like them.”

“Me too.”

“Me three.”

“Shut up, Brick!”

“What?”

“Stop!” Ink Well shouted. “Can’t a pony give a once in a lifetime motivational speech?”

“Sorry…”

“Like I was saying,” the small secretary continued, “this is our time to shine!”

“Yeah!”

“To show that we can rise to the occasion!”

“Yeah!”

“To show that we are not just useless paper weights!”

“Yeah!”

“Let them in!”

The guard flanking the entrance to the throne room slowly opened the large, oaken doors.

There was a rumbling at first before a large mob of ponies charged into the throne room, most of them holding newspaper in their hooves, shouting.

“Where are the princesses?”

“Who is going to run the country?”

“Who will control the sun and the moon?”

A foal standing on her mother’s back waved his hooves, shouting, “Who is going to protect my dreams?”

“I want free bits!”

“Yeah!”

“Me too!”

“Me three!”

“Dammit, Brick! You’re not one of them!”

“So?”

“Brick, by Luna’s holy ass, I am going to kick yours!”

Ink Well’s eyes widened as she let out a whimper.

Lethe bounced on her hooves, her helmet near her hooves. She started to bob her head, her mane swishing back and forth as she hummed an imaginary beat.

Hoplite rolled his eyes before letting out a large sigh. He adjusted his spear next to him. If he was going to defend the princesses, he should probably be more threatening, especially after the little incident with Blueblood. The guard did feel bad for what he did. The prince was just trying to see his family after all. But then again, his partner was a crazy bat mare that must have literally come out of Tartarus. Why she was a guard, he had no idea. At least he had hammered out that dent in his helmet.

Lethe continued, her tail flicking back and forth as she hummed louder.

Hoplite flared his nostrils as he stood fast, his eyes focusing on the wall in front of him. He was a guard. It was his duty to be professional at all times. His honor and pride were on the line.

Lethe continued, moving her head and rocking her hips with more emphasis.

Hoplite didn’t budge. Lethe is being Lethe, he thought. Just ignore her. Have pride in your job.

Lethe jumped on her hind hooves, standing upright. Her wings flared out as she ruffled her mane with her forehooves, the metal armor clanking as she shook to and fro.

The day guard’s eye twitched. Focus… This isn’t the first time she has pulled this kind of crap. His left eye drifted downwards towards her tail.

No! he inwardly shouted at himself as he stared back at the wall. She is just trying to mess with you. It’s Lethe. Don’t play her dumb, little game.

Hoplite glanced out of the corner of his eye and saw Lethe still dancing to imaginary music. His gaze drifted towards her tail and hips still swishing back and forth. Look at the wall, look at the wall… the completely boring and unattractive wall…

“See something you like?”

Hoplite blinked and shook his head. His gaze slowly moved up Lethe’s back to see her head turned, a smirk on her face.

“What?” Hoplite asked as he stared back at the wall.

“You know what I mean. Seems like you can’t keep your eyes off something,” Lethe replied, her fangs showing.

“No,” Hoplite said, dripping sweat from his brow. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Mmm hmm,” Lethe answered as she got back on all four hooves, her grin larger. “Sure.”

Hoplite turned his head away, his facing turning slightly red. “I did not.”

Lethe rolled her eyes as she played with her helmet near her hooves. “Just admit it, stop being a wuss.”

“I have no idea what you are talking about,” Hoplite said.

“I think you were staring.”

“I was not!”

“So you weren’t looking?”

“Why would I?” Hoplite exclaimed as he lifted his head, closing his eyes in the standard Canterlot Elite tradition.

There was a slight sniff.

Hoplite slowly opened an eye. Both eyes widened as he watched Lethe fall to her haunches, sniffing loudly. “Wha—?”

The bat pony looked up, her slitted eyes wide and her ears flattened. “You don’t… you don’t think I am pretty?”

“W-what?”

“Admit it,” Lethe sobbed, “you don’t think I am pretty.”

Hoplite gulped. Do not look into her eyes. Do not look into those big, sad eyes. You know she is playing with you!

Lethe sniffed, her eyes getting wider. To make it even worse, she tucked her forehooves under her chin.

TURN YOUR HEAD AWAY! Hoplite screamed at himself. He desperately tried, with all his might, to turn away. But the poor guard was helpless to the bat mare’s puppy dog eyes. “Lethe,” he said with a gulp, “I didn’t say that…”

“Yes, you did,” she whined. “You think I am ugly.”

“No, Lethe, you're not.”

“Yes, I am!”

“Lethe, no, you’re not. Honest.”

Again, Lethe sniffed loudly. “S-so, you think I am pretty?” she said, her voice quivering. Her eyes were practically shining.

This is a trap. You know it is. Don’t give in to those eyes. You know she is going to mess with you. Don’t do it, don’t do it. He gulped, “Y-yes.”

“R-really?” Lethe asked as she wiped her face with her hooves.

You screwed yourself. “Y-yes.”

“Oh, thank you,” Lethe exclaimed as she wrapped her hooves around Hoplite’s neck.

Hoplite gulped, his blush returning as he felt Lethe’s soft fur and mane.

“I understand now,” Lethe said with a smile. “If you weren’t looking but you think I am pretty, it can only mean one thing!”

“What?”

“You must be one of those colt cuddlers! It all makes sense now!”

“WHAT?” Hoplite gasped, his eye twitching.

“Don’t worry, Hoplite,” Lethe said as she pulled her head back. She patted his helmet with her hoof. “It doesn’t change how I see you.”

Hoplite’s face twisted, his left eye twitching more.

“Don’t worry, pal, I am sure I can find a cute guy for you.”

“Lethe!”

Lethe fell on her back, laughing loudly, her hooves flailing in the air. “T-the look on your face! Priceless!”

“Dammit, Lethe!”

“You’re so easy!”

“I am not the one who just comes up with plans to mess with other ponies!”

“Moi?” Lethe asked as she got up. “This is my fault?”

“Of course it is!”

“How?”

“Setting all this up!”

Lethe rolled her eyes. “Hey, not my fault I remembered a wicked beat I heard from a party while back. I was just standing there, minding my own business.”

“Your business?”

“Not my fault guarding ole sun butt here is boring.”

“How can you say that about Princess Celestia?”

“She has a sun on her butt, simple. Luna has a moon on hers, so I call her moon butt.”

“You say that to Princess Luna’s face?”

“Of course not. I am not stupid. I say it in my head.”

“You’re horrible.”

“Like I was saying, I was minding my own business here, passing the time with some nice beats. Had a little fun. Not my fault I had an audience now, isn’t it?”

Hoplite took a step back, his face turning red yet again. “I—”

“You’re easy, you know that?” Lethe replied with a smirk. “Easy to read, easy to play. Easy.”

Hoplite squinted his eyes. “I am not.”

“Are too.”

“I. Am. Not.”

Lethe’s ears perked, her slitted eyes having a glint. “Is that so?”

Hoplite’s nostrils flared. “You only win because we play your games.”

“Oh?” A smile formed on Lethe’s lips.

“Yes,” Hoplite replied, his eye twitching.

“Well,” Lethe replied, her smile becoming large. “Seems this little pony here had not learned his lesson the first time.”

Hoplite glared at his partner.

“Alright,” Lethe said, taking a step towards the day guard. “I’ll play. You in?”

“Yes,” he replied, his eyes cold as steel. “This time, I pick the game.”

“Fine then. Seems I need to spank you again.”

No, Hoplite thought. This is your time, on your own terms. You know she is dangerous, but she is not unbeatable. She is not perfect. I know I am faster than her, but then she has her tricks. You know she will cheat like always. Think…

Hoplite stared at the night guard.

“If you pick the game, I pick the rewards.”

“What?”

“You heard me. It’s only fair.”

Hoplite worked his jaw. “What do you want then?”

His eyes widened as Lethe shoved her face right into his. There was a crazed look in her wide eyes, the grin on her face showing off her fangs. “Loser has to do anything the other wants for twenty-four hours.” She leaned in her head, her muzzle barely touching his ear. “Anything,” she whispered.

“What?” Hoplite exclaimed as he took a step back. “What?”

“You heard me. Big talk requires big stakes. You in?”

“I can’t accept that!”

“Aww, chicken?”

“I am not!”

“Then do it!”

“Fine!” Hoplite exclaimed as he stomped his hoof. “But no physical altercations, nothing that is illegal, nothing that can cost either of our jobs, and nothing that is long lasting or permanent.”

It was Lethe’s turn to take a step back, her eyes splaying. “What?”

“You heard me. Those are the rules.”

“That’s no fun!”

“I don’t care. Those are the conditions.”

Lethe pouted.

“Or are you chicken?” Hoplite replied with a smirk.

“Fine!” Lethe said, the glint from her eyes gone. “I can find something for you anyways. Confident?”

“Damn right,” he replied.

Lethe tilted her head, a cocky grin on face. “What will it be?”

Think, you know you are physically stronger than her, he thought. “Hoof wrestling.”

“Hoof wrestling?” Lethe asked, raising an eyebrow. “High stakes and you want to do that?”

“Yes.”

“Fine,” Lethe replied as she rolled her eyes.

Hoplite took off his helmet, putting it and his spear next to the wall. He laid down on his underside, holding his hoof out.

“Ready to lose?” Lethe asked as she mimicked Hoplite, grasping his hoof. Her tail flicked behind her as she stared at her opponent with hungry eyes.

“Ready?”

Lethe nodded. “Call it.”

“3… 2… 1… Go!”

Both ponies flexed their hooves, grunting as they put all their weight into their forehooves. Each guard glared at each other, clenching their teeth. It looked even at first, but slowly, the day guard was making progress.

You can do it, man, he thought to himself, a smile forming on his strained face. You lifted all those weights in the gym for this exact moment.

Hoplite continued, watching his opponent's strained face. He started to sweat, trying to making more progress, but he couldn’t push any farther. A lump formed in his throat as his hoof started to shake.

“Getting tired?” Lethe replied, her nostrils flaring.

“N-no,” he hissed through gritted teeth. Sweat dripped down his face as his body twitched, trying to add leverage to his struggle. His muscles felt like they were burning as he exerted his strength, but Lethe’s hoof refused to budge any further.

“Seems like you let your hoof get a lot of exercise. S-should worked on cardio there, can’t just lift. G-got to balance your regime.”

Hoplite grunted as he felt his hoof start to cramp. However, his opponent was slowly gaining ground. He stared at his hoof, slowly moving away from his goal. This is bad, this is bad, this is REALLY bad. His ears flicked when he heard panting. Slowly, he looked up.

He wish he didn't. He really wished he didn’t as he let out a whimper. Lethe was glaring at him, her eyes boring into him as he felt terror and despair, similar to how a cat would to a struggling mouse. A vicious grin adorned her face, her fangs somehow even larger than usual. He could have sworn he saw venom literally drip from her fangs. Hoplite was staring at the face of Tartarus, and it was horrifying.

Lethe brought her face closer, her nostril flaring.

Hoplite whimpered louder, his hoof shaking even more.

Lethe twisted her her head slightly, her malicious smile even wider. “Getting tired?”

Hoplite shook his head.

The bat mare started to chuckle, her voice guttural and demonic.

Hoplite bit his lower lip, his whole body shaking. He didn’t know if it was because he was tired or the fear that was consuming him.

Lethe pushed her hoof farther, an inch away from victory. Her laugh became louder as she licked her fangs. “Your. Ass. Is. Mine!”

Hoplite whimpered louder. This is it, he thought to himself. A cruel fate awaited him, and again, it was his fault. He got caught in Lethe’s games. His vision was getting blurry as the sweat dripped into his eyes. Hoplite blinked then his eyes widened. Not in fear, but in surprise.

He looked across at Lethe. Gone was the demonic face. Instead, Lethe’s face was scrunched up. Her pupils slowly dilated, slowly moving to the left. He followed her eyes. There, hanging right next to Lethe’s face, was a positively tiny spider.

The pressure on his hoof had disappeared. He found his opening, his one chance to not be humiliated yet again by Lethe. With everything he had left, he slammed Lethe’s hoof into the ground. There it was, Lethe’s hoof on the ground, and his hoof on top. I did it…

He looked up at Lethe. In that moment, he saw something more surprising than Lethe’s demon face. No, it was something he never thought he would see her display. Fear.

“S-spider.”

“What?”

“SPIDER!” Lethe shouted as she jumped.

“What?” Hoplite repeated, blinking.

“Getitoffgetitoffgetitoff!” Lehte shrieked as she leapt forward, tackling Hoplite. The two guards fell down to the floor in a heap.

Hoplite gasped as he felt Lethe wrap her hooves around his neck. Partly because of her soft fur brushing against his own. Partly because of her death grip cutting off his air supply.

“L-lethe,” Hoplite gurgled, “can’t breathe.”

“Kill it!” Lethe hissed as she let go of her death grip, hiding behind Hoplite. She pointed a hoof at the small arachnid. “Kill it with fire!”

Meanwhile, Hoplite gasped for air, panting as he tried to catch his breath. He looked behind him, seeing Lethe, the most ruthless ponies he knew, cowering. He turned back to the spider. “T-this is a joke, right?”

“Kill it, you dumbass!” Lethe hissed as she tried to jump up, only to cower behind Hoplite again.

“You’re kidding.”

“KIll it now!”

“It is a spider…”

“Exactly, that’s why you have to kill it now!”

Hoplite stared back at her, his eyebrow raised.

“Now, Hoplite!” Lethe growled as she pushed the guard.

Hoplite rolled his eyes as he got up. He picked up the spider, looking back at Lethe. “Seriously?”

Lethe nodded vigorously.

Again, rolling his eyes, he placed his hoof next to the wall, watching it scurry up and hiding in a crack.

“You were supposed to kill it!”

“It is just a tinyspider, Lethe.”

“I don’t care.”

“Well it is gone now. Nothing we can do about it.”

“It is your fault! Should’ve killed it when you had the chance!”

Hoplite’s ears perked, a smile forming on his face.

“What?” Lethe asked.

His smile grew larger.

“What?” Lethe asked again.

Hoplite brought his face closer, his smile increasing with the levels of his smugness.

“What?!” Lethe asked, her frustration growing. Hoplite’s levels of smugness was reaching critical mass.

Hoplite brought his head closer.

Lethe’s eye was twitching, a smug storm was reaking off the day guard.

“So,” Hoplite whispered, “big bad Lethe is scared of spiders…”

Lethe inhaled sharply, her face scrunching. “W-what?”

“Afraid of spiders it seems.”

“I-I am not!” Lethe exclaimed, her face turning red.

Hoplite’s grin only grew wider, threatening to run off his face. He couldn’t help it. He was in a position that was alien to him since being stuck with Lethe: winning. The stars had aligned. He learned Lethe was not unbeatable. She had a weakness.

“Seems you were cowering behind me…”

Her face scrunched even more, the blush growing worse. “I WAS NOT!”

Celestia, this feels great! he thought to himself. He couldn’t help but puff his chest out, a giddy feeling taking over his body. Oh Luna, she is flustered and mad! I-I… Holy crap, she is baring her fangs! His eyes closed, just enjoying the feeling. Wow, she is really cute like that.

Lethe huffed, stomping her hoof “I. Am. Not. Scared. Of—!”

“You lost.”

“Wha?”

“You lost the bet. I won.”

“N-no,” Lethe stammered. “T-that is impossible.”

“My hoof was on top. I won.”

Lethe fell to her haunches, her eyes widening. “N-no, this cannot be.”

“Nope, this is reality.”

“I-it doesn’t count! There was outside influence!”

“Nope, that wasn’t part of the agreement.”

Lethe stomped her forehooves. “No!”

“Now, Lethe, don’t be a sore loser. A bet is a bet.”

“No! I can’t lose to you!”

“Well ya did.”

“There was a spider!”

“Not my fault.”

“But!”

“Deal is a deal, Lethe, live with it.”

Lethe groaned as she buried her head in her hooves. “I can’t believe it!” she wailed. “I have to be this loser’s bitch for a day.”

“Well, maybe you can’t win everything, Lethe.”

The bat mare just let out a groan.

“And I know exactly what I am going to do first!”

Lethe only let out another groan.

Ink Well rubbed the side of her head. It was a given that she was going to get stupid requests, and she did. From theories of one of many Nightmare Moon cults injuring Celestia, rumors of red and black alicorns suddenly appearing, or hairless ape-like aliens abducting them, she heard it all, endured it all, and dealt with all. But surely, this brown unicorn wearing what appeared to be a lab coat in front of her was one of the dumbest.

“Please?”

“No.”

“Please?”

“No.”

“But—”

“NO! I will not have Celestia, Princess of Equestria, Bringer of Order, Conqueror of the Northern Lands, Thane of the Griffon Kingdoms, Her Name Who We Speak in Reverence, Champion of the 104th Cake Eating Contest, Singer of Daylight, Guardian of Tartarus, Regent of the Sun, and First of Her Name degrade herself and spit in a blasted tube!”

“It is not a tube. It is a saliva collection kit.”

“NO!”

“It has a detailed protocol!”

“Sweet Luna, how many times can I say no?”

“But it has been recommended by the Equestrian Board of Medicine and is commonly used in healthcare facilities and labs worldwide!”

Ink Well yanked her mane with both hooves. “Back Breaker!”

In an instant, a massive, grey earth pony appeared by her side. He casted a long shadow, enveloping the small unicorn in front of him. Back Breaker needed no armor, for his pecs of steel, barreled chest, chiseled chin, and flowing mane were more than enough. It was rumored that he was often called up to Celestia and Luna's chambers to show their appreciation for his fine work. Yes, Back Breaker lived up to his name in more ways the one. He flexed.

Nearby, three maids swooned as they fell off their hooves.

“Yes, ma’am?”

Ink Well just shook her head in her hooves. The secretary's tolerance of stupidity was reached long ago. “Please escort him out of here.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he replied as he grabbed the unicorn’s tail. “Time to go, citizen. I’ll take good care of you.”

The brown unicorn whimpered.

“Come on now,” Back Breaker commanded.

“No!” the brown unicorn cried out as he was dragged on his belly across the immaculate tile floor. “B-but the science!”

“I don’t care!” Ink Well shrieked.

“Science!”

“No!”

“Why, Twilight Sparkle, why!” the unicorn cried out as he was dragged out of the throne room.

Author's Note

Lastly, I would like to thank Kevinltk for editing and theRedBrony pre-reading. Where would I be without them? In addition, I would also like to thank Dawnscroll for not only letting me use his characters,but for pre-reading.

A massive thanks to Conicer, who drew the nice picture of Lethe and Hoplite. Also for giving me all those titles for Celestia.

This has Dawnscroll's stamp of approval.

Blackmail and a Black Dress

Hoplite inwardly smiled. It would have been on his face, but he was on guard duty, and as such, it mandated that he wear the 'Royal Guard' face. For the day guard, it was pretty easy to do, normally. That is, if Lethe wasn’t around, mocking him, trying to make silly bets, playing her games, or shaking her ass—ets. Lethe was the antithesis to how a guard should act, but for some reason, Luna personally allowed it.

Today, however, was a different day, because Hoplite couldn’t help but smirk a little. Again, Lethe was making his job a tad more difficult. No, it wasn’t her shenanigans or crazy cooked-up plans, but because Lethe was struggling to do hers.

If he were to be perfectly honest, he would admit that he was slightly scared when he first met Lethe. It wasn’t because of her personality, but in all fairness, it didn’t help either, but because she was the first bat pony he ever met. The leathery wings, the slitted eyes, the sharp fangs… it was unnerving to say the least. But it was not his job to question Princess Luna’s personal tastes.

But now, he was enjoying the way she tried so desperately hard to not scowl or how her hackles were raised on the back of her neck. The way she slightly bared her teeth, exposing her small fangs, or how she twitched as she struggled to keep her composure, for Hoplite, it was endearing… especially those small tufts of fur on the tip of her ears.

“Lethe,” Hoplite whispered, trying to keep his voice level.

“What?” Lethe hissed through her teeth, her voice and body quivering.

“You’re slouching.”

Lethe twitched as she violently turned her head, glaring at Hoplite while her nostrils flared.

“You know the drill, Lethe. We must have proper posture when guarding.”

Lethe glared harder, her panting growing louder.

“Lethe…”

“...”

“Don’t be a sore loser.”

Lethe sat down on her haunches, screaming into her forehooves.

Hoplite’s smirk grew slightly larger.

“You’re horrible!” Lethe growled as she pointed a hoof.

“Horrible?”

“Yes! This… this is torture!”

“Torture? You mean standing there and doing your job?”

“Yes! How can you be so freaking boring? Out of all the things you could have done, you want to work?”

“Yep.”

“C’mon, man! Make me raid the kitchens, or beat up somepony, or at least steal Celestia’s socks!”

Hoplite blushed. “What?”

“I need my blood pumping, man!”

Hoplite shook his head, removing the thought of his boss in socks. “Nope.”

The color drained from the night guard’s face before turning red. She shoved her face into Hoplite’s. “You heartless bastard!”

“Lethe,” Hoplite replied, “back to your post.”

Lethe’s face contorted in rage as she lifted her hoof.

“Don’t be a sore loser, Lethe,” Hoplite repeated, his smugness reaching maximum levels.

The mare flung her hooves, screaming a silent wail of frustration.

Hoplite took the blunt end of his spear, gently poking her side. Normally, it was never smart to poke a bear or mad bat pony from Tartarus, but he was having too much fun. That was something he would worry about in twenty hours. “Back to your post, soldier.”

“I am going to kick your ass later,” Lethe hissed, giving her best death glare as she stood up.

Hoplite poked her again. “Back to work.”

Luna hummed as she walked through the halls, pushing a small cart with her. It had already been an entire afternoon since she trusted her ponies with running the palace, and Canterlot was not on fire, so she considered it a success. But now, she had more pressing matters. Her elder sister was sick, and she truly needed some help. Yet, that didn’t mean she can get some things during this ‘unfortunate’ situation.

“Why hello there, my little ponies,” Luna greeted with a sing-song voice.

“Evening, Princess Luna,” Hoplite replied with a salute.

Luna responded with a slight nod and smiled. She turned her head to her night guard, expecting some witty remark or inappropriate introduction. Luna knew that Lethe, at times, could be troublesome, but she loved the fact that Lethe treated her like a pony first and princess second. It was nice to be fawned over, but it was also nice to have a friend that treated you as a friend.

Luna blinked, not hearing anything yet. She looked closer at Lethe who was standing upright. It was faint, but there was a slight scowl on her face. “Private Lethe?”

The bat pony’s jaw moved, mumbling something.

“Lethe,” Hoplite said, a bit of mirth in his voice.

Luna again blinked in confusion.

“Lethe, your princess is waiting.”

The night guard’s nostrils flared. “Private Lethe of the fourth Lunar Regiment reporting for duty, your majesty,” Lethe grunted, the words forced.

Hoplite snorted, trying to keep his composure.

“Lethe… is everything fine?”

“Yes,” Lethe grunted. “Everything is fine, your majesty, I am simply doing my job.”

This is not right. Lethe rarely does her job… unless it involves violence, Luna thought. “Private Lethe, what is going on?”

Lethe’s eye twitched. “Nothing, Princess Luna.”

Luna let out a sigh. “Private Hoplite.”

“Yes, Princess Luna?”

“Explain Lethe’s behavior.”

The day guard’s eyes widened, his eyes darting around. “Ummm…”

“Yes?”

“Lethe lost a bet…”

Luna blinked again. “What?”

“Lethe lost a bet.”

The moon princess shook her head, turning back to her night guard. “You mean Lethe, Lethe, lost a bet.”

“Um, yes…”

“How?”

“Hoofwrestling.”

“It wasn’t my fault!”

Luna raised an eyebrow. “Hmm?”

Lethe pointed a hoof at Hoplite. “That bastard cheated!”

“Cheated? Is that so, Private Hoplite?”

“No,” Hoplite replied flatly.

“That freaking liar!” Lethe shrieked.

Luna rubbed her chin. “How did he cheat then, Private Lethe?”

“He…” Lethe replied weakly, her ears flattening “He—”

“There was a spider, and Lethe is afraid of spiders,” Hoplite interrupted.

“I am not!”

Luna giggled. “The mighty Lethe afraid of spiders?”

Lethe took off her helmet, screaming into it.

“So, what were the stakes?” Luna asked.

“Loser has to do what the other says for twenty-four hours.”

Luna flared her wings, a tinge of red on her cheeks. “My, how scandalous!” she replied with a flourish. “How naughty of thee, Private Hoplite, wanting a mare to do what you want?”

“What?” Hoplite gasped, his face turning red. “I-it was her idea!”

Luna gasped even louder. “Oh? And what were you planning on, Lethe?”

Lethe’s eye twitched again.

A mischievous smile formed on Luna’s lips. “Or was it your plan to lose all along, hmm?”

Lethe screamed again.

“Well then, have fun, you two!” Luna said as she walked into Celestia’s room, her cart in tow.

Lethe shot an angry glare at Hoplite. “I am gonna kick your ass after this, you know that?” she hissed.

Hoplite rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, you already told me. But now, get back to work.”

Lethe yanked her mane, screaming.

Luna pulled back the curtains, the last remnants of the sunlight passing through the balcony window. Her ears flicked, hearing a gurgling sound coming from the bed.

“Come now, that is not very dignified for a Princess of Equestria.”

Celestia groaned, trying to wrap herself in her sheets.

Luna rolled her eyes as she sat down on the edge of the bed, gently tugging at the sheets. “Celestia, I know you’re tired, but I brought dinner.”

Celestia’s ears flicked.

“Come now, if you want to recover quickly, then you need to eat.”

The elder princess let out a gurgle.

Luna rolled her eyes again. “I brought cake.” She smiled when her sister quickly rose, rather as quickly as a pony with the flu can.

Celestia blinked, coughing into her hoof. “W-where?”

Luna levitated a covered plate toward them and lifted the silver lid, revealing a large slice of chocolate cake.

The sun princess’ eyes widened, licking her lips before coughing.

“But first,” Luna said as she closed the lid, hiding the delectable dessert, “you need to eat an actual meal.”

“But I want my cake now,” Celestia whined as she pursed her lips in a pout.

“Of course you do,” Luna remarked as she floated another platter towards her sister, lifting the lid. “Stew, like before, something easy on the stomach. Eat this first, and then you can get your cake.

“Fine,” Celestia replied as she sat up, propping herself on a mountain of pillows. She sniffed, her normally white nose now red.

Luna inwardly grinned to herself, watching her sister slowly eat her meal. The white alicorn shoulders were slouched, her mane and tail were a mess, and the feathers on her wings were sticking out all over the place. Her defenses are down, strike when the iron is hot! Luna coughed slightly as she floated over a stack of parchments and a quill.

“What is that?” Celestia asked as she lifted her head.

“Oh nothing, thou have nothing to worry about, dear sister,” Luna answered as she slipped back into her old dialect, her voice more cheery than normal.

Celestia squinted her eyes, slowly eating her meal. Unfortunately for her, it too had alfalfa.

“Hmm.” Luna read the parchment in front of her, licking the tip of the quill. “A Moon theme park? Approved.”

Celestia choked, hitting her chest with a hoof. “W-wait, what?”

“Ahh, ahh, ahh!” Luna exclaimed as she held up a hoof. “I am acting princess right now as per thou order. Do not question your princess.”

“B-but we don’t have the budget to build a theme park!”

“We will worry about that later. Please eat thy meal.”

“But—”

“No buts! Unless it is thy moon flank.”

“What?”

“Shh!” Luna hissed before looking back at her stack of parchments. “More nightclubs around the palace? Approved.”

Again, Celestia coughed on her food. She panted, trying to catch her breath. “What? What kind of approval is that?”

“We get bored at night, so if somepony wants more nightclubs around the palace, then we will approve.”

“But the noise! How will ponies sleep?”

“That is something we don’t have to worry about.”

“Luna, this is crazy!”

“Hmm, a request to fire Soggy Grounds? Approved.”

“What! No, you can’t!”

“Celestia, thou must be crazy to keep him. He makes the worst cup of coffee ever! No matter what we give him, no matter what device, his coffee is always terrible!”

“I know, that is why we must keep him!”

“Thou are making no sense.”

“But if he is gone, then what can I complain about?”

“What?”

“Luna, if he is gone, then my life would be perfect, therefore I couldn’t complain about anything. I don’t want to live in that kind of world. I like to complain!”

“Too bad, his coffee is terrible.”

A tear rolled down Celestia’s cheek, her lower lip quivering.

“Now, in the interest of future peace and in the spirit of kindness and generosity, I decree that Friday shall henceforce be ‘Hug a Changeling Day’!” Luna shouted as her horn glowed, a bright flash appearing next to her.

Celestia’s jaw dropped, her eyes widening as she stared at a changeling struggling in her sister’s aura.

“Wait, where am I?” the changeling cried out. It gasped as Luna gave it a hug, nuzzling it with her cheek.

“Isn’t it adorable, sister?” Luna exclaimed with a squee. “I’ve already got mine!”

The changeling’s eyes widened, its body shaking as it saw the moon princess. It turned its head towards Celestia. “P-please, save me! D-don’t let her hurt me again! I’ll do anything! I’ll cook, I’ll clean, I will serve you and be your servant, just save—”

The changeling disappeared in another flash.

“It will be wonderful, sister!” Luna proclaimed, “Everypony will hug a changeling. They will be like those cute little dogs. Every mare would carry a changeling in their saddle bags!”

Celestia blinked, clinging onto her blankets. “Luna… what? W-where did you get that changeling?”

“Oh, him,” Luna replied casually. “I found him.”

“What are you going to do to it?”

“Nothing to worry about!” Luna exclaimed as she clapped her hooves. “Just giving it all the love and affection it needs!”

“What exactly does that mean—”

“Now, what is next? Plushies of the Moon Princess for everypony? Approved.”

Celestia only groaned as she placed her heads in her hooves, placing what she just saw deep into the subconscious of her mind and locking it away for now. She was already tired, confused, hungry for cake, and Luna was not helping. “Why?”

“So everypony can bask in the glory that is Princess Luna!” Luna exclaimed as she threw up her hooves, sparkles in her eyes.

“We don’t have the bits for this…”

“Nonsense, dear sister! Thou cannot put a price on the fabulosity that is the Princess of the Night!” Luna said, flicking her starry mane.

“Luna,” Celestia weakly coughed. “Just give me my cake.”

“And with their new found plushies, I, Princess Luna of the Night,” Luna shouted as she stood on her hind legs, her wings flaring out, “shall reverse the cycles of the day and night!”

“WHAT?”

“Yes,” Luna continued with a flourish, “the night shall last… from 6:00 AM to 6:00 PM! Everypony will enjoy a normal amount of night but at a different time!”

“Luna, you can’t!”

“I can too. We are not increasing the amount of time of night, just putting it in a different time.”

“But, but, ponies can’t switch to those schedules like that.”

“Who said they will have to switch their schedules? Instead of the crack of dawn, ponies will wake up to the crack of dusk! They will just wake up to the night is all!”

Celestia groaned louder. “Luna, please just give me my cake…”

“Neigh!” Luna shouted, looking over her sister. She rubbed her chin, a smirk forming on her face. “Speaking of which, I think thou needs another diet.”

Celestia jerked her head up, her eyes wide as whatever color drained from her face. “W-what…”

“Thou heard me. You seem to be getting tubby again, Tubby Tia...”

Celestia scowled, her nostrils flaring, which was quite the sight since it was bright red.

“Hmm, yes. You seem to putting back some weight. I order thee to partake in the Royal Diet, again.”

Celestia’s jaw dropped, her pupils shrinking to pinpricks. “N-no, you c-can’t…”

A gentle smile formed on Luna’s face as she slowly stroked her sister’s mane. “There, there sister. Everything will be alright…”

Celestia looked up, a glimmer of hope on her face.

“I am making sure your secretary, Feather Duster, will be by your side to assist you in your time of need.”

Celestia jumped forward, laying in front of her sister with her forehooves together in a pleading gesture. “I beg thee, Luna, please no! Feather Duster will make me work even harder. I can’t survive another diet. I need my carbs!”

Celestia wrapped her hooves around her sister’s waist, her eyes tearing up. “Sister, please, I beg thee, have mercy on your sister!”

“We cannot. We are simply looking after your health and well being.”

“What do you want from me?” Celestia wailed. “Anything! I cannot survive another diet! I simply can’t!”

Perfect, Luna thought with a smile. “Anything?”

“Yes, anything!”

“Very well, Tia!” Luna exclaimed with a wicked grin. “I will rescind all these decrees, but in return…”

“Yes?” Celestia whimpered, her eyes filled with fear.

“We, Princess Luna, demand unlimited access to your bathroom!”

“What, why?”

“We like thou shower better!”

“You have your own shower!”

“Your’s is better.”

“How?”

“It is bigger to fit thy massive posterior!”

Celestia blinked before she scowled. “I am not fat! I have a healthy, attractive weight!”

“Regardless of how big thy rear is, we demand your shower!”

“But you take all the hot water!”

“Do you agree to that?”

“B-but!”

“Do you agree?”

Celestia hung her head, her ears flattening. “Fine…”

“Good, and I also demand unlimited use of Mr. Scrubby.”

“My toothbrush?”

“Yes.”

“Why mine?” Celestia whined.

“Because your’s is better.”

“I can get you the same brand and toothbrush!”

“It is not the same!” Luna pouted.

“But it’s mine!”

“Either you let me use your bathroom and toothbrush, or you are going on a diet.”

“Luna, please!” Celestia whined louder, tightening her grip.

“What will it be, sister?”

Celestia sighed, hanging her head again. “Fine…”

“Good.” Luna clapped her hooves, the stack of parchments bursting in blue flames.

“Can I please have my cake?” Celestia sighed as she sat back on her bed, resting on her pillows.

“Very well,” Luna replied as she lifted a glass filled with a viscous, black liquid. “But first, your medicine.”

Celestia’s face turned green. “Please, not that vile thing.”

“Sister, I am being serious. This will make you feel better. Didn’t it work the first time?”

“Yeah…”

“Come on, just drink it quickly then you can have your chocolate cake. I know it is your favorite.”

Celestia groaned, taking the glass in her hooves. “The cake better be good…”

“Of course, Chef Ram Sea made it specifically for you.”

Like the first time, Celestia closed her eyes. She placed her lips on the edge of the glass and quickly threw her head back, trying to chug it down as fast as possible.

Luna winced, knowing full well how bad that concoction really was.

Again, like before, Celestia gagged as she threw the cup away, clamping her muzzle with her hooves. Luckily, her sister floated a glass of water to her.

“There, all done,” Luna stated with a gentle smile.

“That tasted so bad,” Celestia gasped as she finished her water. “Can I please, please have that cake now?”

“Of course,” Luna replied as she levitated the cake onto Celestia’s lap. The moon princess knew she could have teased her sister more, but not when her sister was so vulnerable. As a reward, she made sure that her sister got the best cake in Equestria. She smiled, watching her sister devour it with gusto.

“Better?”

Celestia nodded weakly, finishing the last bite. Her shoulders slouched as her eyelids drooped.

“Come now, rest, sister,” Luna said softly, pulling up the sheets. “I had a whole cake made. There will be more later.”

“That sounds heavenly,” Celestia weakly replied, leaning back into her bed.

“Sweet dreams, sister,” Luna whispered as she nuzzled her sister.

Hoplite sighed, a smile on his lips. Seeing Lethe squirm just doing her job was worth whatever Lethe was going to throw at him when this was over. He looked over, seeing Lethe twitch now and then, struggling to keep her composure.

Wonder when she will crack…

His thoughts were interrupted as his boss’ sister stepped out.

“Luna, save me!” Lethe shouted as she jumped in front of her.

Luna blinked.

“I can’t take this anymore!”

“Take what?” Luna asked.

“I can’t stand… just standing here!”

Hoplite rolled his eyes.

“Shut up, Hoplite! This is your damn fault!”

“Yep, cause I made the bet…”

“Doesn’t matter!”

The moon princess smiled. “Private Lethe, may I ask what is the matter?”

“This!” Lethe shouted as she flailed her hooves. “This is so boring! How am I suppose to stand here and do nothing?”

“It is your job, Lethe…” Hoplite sighed.

“No, my job is to kick ass, not stand here and twiddle my hooves. Luna, order me to kick his ass!”

“Hey, wait a minute!”

“Do it, Luna, order me to do something! I’m going crazy not being able to do anything. What kind of sick bastard wins a bet then orders me to work? Seriously?”

“Well, it is driving you crazy, and giving me some time to relax.”

Luna giggled as she covered her mouth with a hoof. “You two are adorable, you know that.”

“No, we’re not!” both of them shouted in unison.

“I see,” Luna said, her voice filled with mirth.

“Luna, for the love of your moon, make me do something. I need some adrenaline.”

“Oh, is that what you want?” Luna asked, a grin on her face.

Hoplite watched Lethe nod her head vigorously. He let out a small jump as Luna brought her muzzle next to his ear, a blush forming on his face.

“You know,” Luna whispered, her voice full of mischief, “I am fully aware that you are trying to aggravate my guard, the one I personally hoof picked…”

Celestia help me, Hoplite thought as he gulped. “I-I…”

“You know,” Luna continued, bringing her muzzle a little closer, “if you really want to get under her skin, make her act more feminine.”

“What?” Hoplite blinked in confusion.

“What are you two doing!” Lethe hissed. “Luna, you better be whispering threats of unspeakable horror to him.”

“Perhaps I am,” Luna replied as she lifted her head.

Hoplite looked at Luna, then at Lethe, then back at Luna who winked at him. He coughed into his hoof. “Alright, Lethe, I got something you can do that is not work.”

Lethe glared at him. “What?”

Hoplite inhaled, puffing out his chest. “I want you to wear a dress and eat dinner like a civilized pony. That means no talking with your mouth full, keeping your food and your hooves to yourself, and no fights.”

The night guard’s jaw dropped, her slitted eyes wide. “W-what?”

“You heard me.”

Lethe bared her fangs, a scowl forming. “You sick pervert…”

“Says the mare that wants to play strip poker.”

“That’s not the point! I’m not doing it!”

“That’s what I want.”

“No!” Lethe shrieked, jabbing her hoof at Hoplite. “Screw you!”

“Either that, or we go to the arachnid exhibit at the Canterlot Zoo.”

Lethe’s hoof fell limp. “W-what?”

“The arachnid exhibit, you know, the one where they put giant spiders on you.”

“S-spiders?” Lethe whimpered, her face turning pale.

“Yup, big, hairy spiders.”

“Oh my, it seems you are in quite the predicament, my little pony,” Luna stated cheerfully. “What will you do? Act appropriately or face your greatest fear?”

Lethe snapped her head at Luna, pointing a trembling hoof at her. “You!”

“Moi?”

“You traitor! You gave him the idea!”

“I have no idea what you are talking about, my little pony.”

“T-this is not fair!” Lethe shrieked as she stomped her hoof. “It was not supposed to go like this! It was supposed to go my way! I am supposed to win!”

“You can’t win everything, Private Lethe. The world does not work like that.”

“It should for me!”

Hoplite sighed, a grin on his face as he watched the two.

“So,” Luna said, “what will it be?”

“I… I…”

“Don’t be a spoilsport,” Hoplite said.

Lethe crossed her forehooves as she sat down, a blush on her face. “I don’t own a dress, so this whole thing is nullified.”

“You don’t have a dress?”

“No, I don’t. Dresses are stupid.”

“Because?”

“Because all clothes are stupid!” Lethe exclaimed as she threw up her hooves. “They serve no purpose. Ponies don’t wear clothes, so why would I have one?”

“Hmm, tis indeed true,” Luna agreed, rubbing her chin. “But it is culture. Sometimes, culture does not make sense, like fashion.”

“Too bad. I don’t have a dress, so pick something else.”

“Oh, Lethe,” Luna chimed, “you can borrow one of mine.”

“What?” both guards asked in unison.

“I would be happy to lend you a dress for this noble endeavor.”

“Woah, woah, woah,” Lethe protested, “no offense, but I don’t think you and I are the same size.” She stretched her forehooves. “You’re kinda tall compared to the rest of us.”

“Oh, I know that,” Luna chuckled, “but I have a few older ones. I had a few given to me when I returned back to Equestria. I was smaller back then.”

“But…”

“See, Lethe? There is nothing stopping you.”

“But!”

“C’mon, Lethe, a bet is a bet.”

Lethe looked at the two ponies, her eyes darting around. She sighed and pouted, letting out a mumble.

“What was that?”

“FineIwilldoit”

“What?”

“Fine! I’ll wear the stupid dress!” yelled Lethe, baring her teeth.

“Excellent!” Luna cheered as she grabbed Lethe.

“H-hey!” Lethe yelped as she was pushed away.

“Now, Private Hoplite, you just wait here, and I’ll bring her to you when she is ready,” Luna continued, pushing the struggling mare.

“Okay…” Hoplite replied, his wide eyes watching the two mares turn around the corner.

“Hey, we’re pals, right, Luna?” he heard Lethe ask with a nervous tone. “This is just show, and you are really bailing me out, right?”

“Nope!” Luna chirped happily.

Lethe let out a whine.

Hoplite smiled as he returned to his post.

“Too tight, too tight!” Lethe yelled.

“Sorry!” Luna replied as she threw up her hooves. “I did not mean to hurt you.”

Lethe gasped as she stood on all fours, an elegant black dress trailing from her neck to her tail. The hemline barely reached passed her barrel as it traced around her flank, accentuating the willow branch that was her cutie mark. She panted, trying to catch her breath. The dress unzipped, leaving her back exposed.

“Hmm, perhaps I made it too small,” Luna mused as she lifted fabric scraps off the floor.

“You think!”

“I thought it would fit, but it would seem your body type is… different from mine.”

“Dammit, Luna! I am not fat!”

“I never said that,” Luna replied defensively. “I took the measurements, and it should fit. A tight fit, but it should fit.”

“No, it won’t!” Lethe yelled back.

“It will, you just have to ‘suck it up’ as they say nowadays.”

“I told you, I already tried. It is not going to fit!” Lethe hissed.

“Well then,” Luna replied as she walked to her closet, “perhaps we should use a corset. I think I have one here somewhere.”

Lethe’s eyes widened, jumping on her hooves. “Nononononononononnono! No freaking corset!”

Luna shrugged. “I was just offering a possible suggestion.”

“No!”

“Well, this is the only dress I posses, unless you want an extremely gaudy and frou frouffy dress. If we’re not going to use a corset, then stop complaining.”

Lethe grumbled, “Fine.”

“Alright then,” Luna replied with a smile, her horn glowing as it grasped the zipper. “On the count of three.”

Lethe exhaled, trying to shrink her size and brace herself.

“One, two,” Luna said before she yanked the zipper up.

Lethe yelped as she stumbled forward, feeling the outfit constricting her chest.

“There!” Luna cheered with a clap of her hooves. “I told thee it would fit, did I not?”

Lethe’s legs wobbled as she struggled to stand. “I can… I can barely breathe,” Lethe wheezed.

“Nonsense,” Luna replied as she looked at her guard. “You just have to get used to it.”

Lethe gasped, grunting. “This is not comfortable at all.”

“Rarity once told me that fashion rarely is,” Luna remarked with a smile. She floated over a large mirror. “You look stunning, by the way.”

Lethe bit her lower lip, shying away from the mirror as her face turned red. “I look dumb,” she mumbled, her ears splayed back.

Luna giggled as she watched her guard shy away. It amused her to see the normally loud and in your face Lethe in such a confused state.

“This dress is really—”

“Very form fitting I must say,” Luna interrupted.

“I was going to say bone-crushing tight…” Lethe responded.

“As I said, form fitting.” Luna giggled again. “Come now, Lethe, I must say it is accenting your curves. There is nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I don’t like this at all.”

“Lethe, you are able to wear armor all day, even in the sun, but you cannot wear a simple dress?”

Lethe tried to hide behind her mane. “It is just not the dress, Luna, it’s all of this.”

“Hmm?”

Lethe looked at herself in the mirror. “This isn’t me.”

“What do you mean?”

“Look at me, Luna,” Lethe said with a pout. “I am suppose to kick ass, not flaunt mine!”

Luna covered her muzzle with a hoof, trying to stifle her laughter.

“What’s so funny?” Lethe asked with a growl.

“You, the indomitable Lethe.”

A blush appeared on the guard’s face.

“The fearless guard.”

The blush grew brighter.

“And, I quote, the Breaker of Balls…”

Lethe threw her head in her forehooves.

“Can’t handle showing her femininity. Tis truly funny.”

“Why are you doing this?”

“Because you lost a bet.”

“No, I mean you. Why are you in this?”

“Moi? I thought it was obvious. I am just trying to nurture young love. I am the Princess of the Night.”

Lethe jerked her head up. “I am not in love!”

Luna raised an eyebrow as she started to pace around Lethe. “Is that so?”

“Yes!” Lethe replied with a huff.

“But,” Luna said as she lowered her head, “you constantly prod and tease Hoplite with your bets and games. Oh, you may mess with other ponies, but you seem to always give the most attention to him. Just him, and only him.

“It makes me wonder,” Luna continued as she circled around Lethe, a smile on her face. “Why Hoplite? It is not because you do not like him, because if thou truly did, you would have requested to be with a different guard.”

“W-we are forced to be together!”

“Come now, Lethe, I know the situation. At one time, you were forced to be with him, but that time has long since passed. You always had the option to pair up with another pony, but you didn’t. Instead, you stayed by his side. No other pony out there warrants as much of your attention than him.

“So tell me, my little pony, why do you do all those things to poor Hoplite?”

“I-I…” Lethe stammered as she fumbled her words, her face turning brighter.

“Hmmm?” Luna replied as she brought her face right into Lethe’s, a large smile on her face.

“Because I can!” Lethe huffed defensively. “Because I like having a punching bag. Because I like to mess with him. Fine, Luna, I’ll admit that I am friends with him, and I like to hang around him at work. I don’t have many friends here, Luna, you know that, but he is the closest thing to one besides you.

“I don’t have to change around him. I can mess around with him, and he won’t get his tail in a knot over it. He actually tries to stand up to me instead of avoiding me like the other pansies. I like that about him. He can deal with me, I can deal with him.

“But with all that said,” Lethe continued as she threw up her hooves. “I am not the pony drawing connections where they don’t freaking exist, so don’t think you know me, Luna!”

Luna giggled knowingly. “Fair enough. Here, let me add some makeup and brush your mane.”

“No…”

“Come now, a little touching up wouldn’t hurt…”

“This wasn’t part of the deal!”

“Now, Lethe,” Luna replied as she floated over a brush and cosmetic kit, “I never knew you to be one to half-do something.”

“This is different, this isn’t on my terms…”

“Well, think of it this way. I am sure you want to leave certain ponies speechless and stumbling, if not just to mess with them.”

Lethe frowned as she crossed her forehooves again.

“Hmm?”

Lethe sighed, slouching. “Fine…”

“There we go!” Luna replied as she brushed the guard’s mane. She hummed a little tune as she cleaned Lethe up, adding a dash of makeup there and a curl of the mane here. “Voila!”

Lethe blinked as she looked at the mirror before she wilted, turning red.

“You clean up amazingly well, you know that.”

Lethe huffed as she stood up. “I seriously feel like my tail is being lifted with this.”

“It is not. You are simply not used to wearing a dress.”

Lethe groaned as she took a few awkward steps, tugging on the end of her skirt. “Ok, this is getting annoying. It feels like the dress is riding up just so everyone can see my ass.”

“That should not be a problem.”

Lethe tugged at her dress again. “I seriously think who ever designed this stupid dress just wanted to see under a mare’s tail.”

“Well, if you are so worried about that, I am sure I can find some undergarments—”

“HOLY CRAP, I AM NOT GOING TO WEAR PANTIES, LUNA!” Lethe shouted as loud as she could.

“Alright, alright,” Luna replied, “just offering.”

Lethe yanked Luna’s door open, walking out to the hall. “Let’s get this stupid thing over with!”

Luna rolled her eyes, following Lethe. “Ah, young love.”

Author's Note

This has Dawnscroll's stamp of approval.

Sweet (and Nutritious) Dreams

Celestia couldn’t be happier as her hooves touched the soft, doughy floor. She looked around the horizon, her face beaming with joy at the sight.

Miles and miles of cake, ice cream, donuts, and every other sweet dessert possible as far as the eye can see. The white alicorn looked at the ground, her immaculate hooves covered in whipped cream frosting of the same nature. The mere sight of all the sweets could send an ordinary pony into a sugar induced coma.

Yes, Princess Celestia, co-ruler of Equestria (but really top co-ruler due to being the eldest sibling, that’s just how it works in Equestria), and some myriad of other titles, some real while some were not, stood on a massive cake. A cake so gargantuan that it even dwarfed her palace.

In truth, she really did wish she lived in a cake. It would be a wonderful dream come true for her. If there was a possible way, she would have attempted it at least. However, such a thing proved difficult, even on a small scale. From keeping it fresh to preventing other unwanted beings from deluging into her own dessert, reality was a harsh mistress. But imagination was a wonderful, loving mother, so her colossal cake could be a reality to her.

She walked across the top of the cake, leaving hoofprints in the frosting behind her. Celestia smiled as took in the sights and smells around her. Massive strawberries and towers of frosting surrounded her. The alicorn was in heaven, and with all the crazy things happening to her, this was a welcoming sight.

“Why hello there, Princess Celestia!” greeted a chorus of voices.

The Princess’ ears perked up at the sudden outburst.

“Down here!” the voices said again.

Princess Celestia looked down, seeing a bakers dozen or so of donuts in front of her. They were all neatly packed in a pink box, each one with a beaming face with the widest of smiles.

“Oh my, what do we have here?” asked the white alicorn, putting on a smiling face of her own.

“Why, we’re donuts,” replied the donuts.

“Indeed you are, my little donuts.”

“We are here to welcome you to Cakeland! A wonderful place filled with sweetness and joy! Why, everything here is edible and all for you!”

“Me? Really?” asked Celestia, a dollop of drool dripping out of her mouth.

“Why of course! You are the best and most beautiful pony, and you have such a healthy, attractive figure! Don’t listen to those neighsayers, stallions love a pony with some nice curves.”

“Really?” Celestia sniffed, a tear rolling down her cheek as she turned her head and looked at her cutie mark. “But my sister, Luna, tells me that I am on the… how you say ‘heavy’ side…”

“Poppycock!” yelled the donuts, each one with a small scowl. “She is just jealous for not having such a fine ass like yours!”

Celestia smiled, wiping her tear away with a frosting covered hoof. “Why thank you, my little donuts, I needed to hear that.”

“Yay, turn that frown upside down! Come, eat one of us!”

“Eat one of you?” asked the Princess.

“Why of course, we’re donuts!”

“But… but I shouldn’t…”

A collective frown appeared on the sweet treats, their tiny eyes quivering. “Why not?”

Celestia turned her head away and blushed slightly. “While I do agree with everything you said, I don’t want to lose my figure…

“I know, I am ashamed myself. I am a vain pony. But even so, I don’t want to repeat my teen years…”

The donuts looked at each other and let out a sigh of relief. “Oh, is that it? I thought you were going to say you were on a gluten free diet. But if calories are what you are worried about, then you have nothing to fear!”

“Why is that?”

“We are calorie free!” the donuts shouted with a giant collective smile.

“Calorie free?”

“Why of course!”

The white alicorn rubbed her forehooves together, her face turning slightly red.

“What is the matter, Princess?”

“Well, I don’t know if I should say, I don’t want to offend you wonderful little pastries.”

Their tiny eyes widened and started to tear up, which just so happened to be sprinkles instead of actual tears. “Don’t worry, Princess, you can tell us anything! We won’t judge you.”

“Well…”

“Go on!”

“I don’t eat foods that have those fake ingredients. You know, the ones that have artificial sweeteners and stuff. They just taste… off. Oh I am sorry, my little donuts, I did not mean to offend you!”

“Oh is that it?” the donuts replied with a sigh of relief. “I thought you were going to say you were on some quack juice detox diet. But fret not Princess, we are made with 100% real ingredients!”

“But you said you were calorie free? How is that possible?”

“Why magic of course! Cheer up! Cakeland is made for you after all. Now c’mon and eat one of us!”

“Eat me!”

“No me!”

“I’m chocolate!”

“I’m glazed!”

“Screw them, I’m cream filled!”

Celestia looked down at the box, each donut bouncing happily and trying to show off their goods explaining why they should be eaten. “Hmm… I just don’t know, you all look so delicious. I just can’t decide which one.”

“C’mon, Princess, you can pick one!”

“Well, maybe if I close my eyes and pick one at random…” Celestia replied.

“Why what an excellent idea!”

“You’re so smart!”

“So strong!”

“So beautiful!”

“So independant!”

“Why thank you,” the alicorn said as she closed her eyes and picked a random treat with her hoof. She opened her eyes, seeing a plain glazed donut bouncing happily in her hoof. The one donut cheered while the others sighed in disappointment.

With a quick flick of her hoof she quickly devoured the donut in one bite, letting out a moan as she closed her eyes. Once she finished, she opened her eyes and said, “Fret not, for I have decided to live here! So cheer up, for I will eat you all!”

The donuts cheered in response, bouncing happily. “Why if that is the case, then come follow us, for there is much to see!”

With that, the pink box sprouted tiny stick legs under it, as if somepony drew them with a pencil. “Follow us, Princess!”

Without a question or care in the world, she followed them, a large smile on her face. I am finally home…

The box of donuts walked off, bouncing happily.

“To the river, to the river!

It is where we are heading.

To the river, to the river!

It is why we are moving.

To the river, to the river!

We are leading our Princess.

To the river, to the river!

Fair and beautiful is she!

To the river, to the river!

We must trot there faster.

To the river, to the river!

So why do we go?

To drink of course!

Now sound off!

Three chocolate!

Three cinnamon!

Three powdered!

Three glazed!

No wait, two glazed!

And one cream filled!

So where do we go?

To the river of course!

Our Princess is waiting, for that we must make haste!

So why do we go?

To drink of course!”

Celestia bounced her head with the rhythm, not really caring what it meant. The tune was so catchy, almost addicting. She hummed happily, a bounce in her step.

“We’re here!”

Celestia opened her eyes, letting out a gasp. In front of her was a large river, but instead of clear water it was an amber, bubbling liquid. How a river appeared on the large cake, she did not care. She was more surprised that it was there more than anything else.

“What is… this?”

“Try it, Princess!” urged the box of donuts, now a normal dozen.

“Wait, what do you mean?”

“Have a taste, we promise you won’t be disappointed!”

“Are you sure?”

“Why of course!”

Slowly and tentatively, she lowered her head near the flowing amber liquid. It smelled nice. She took a small sip.

Celestia jerked her head up, covering her mouth with a hoof. “It’s…”

“It’s champagne! We know you love it!”

“You mean there is a river made out of champagne…”

“Of course! Cakeland is made for you! Look, here is our ride!”

“Ride?” Celestia asked as she looked out in the river, seeing a large tube-like object slowly float towards her.

“Is that…”

“Why yes,” exclaimed the box of donuts, “it is an even larger donut! Have a seat!”

“A seat?”

“Yes, let us embark! Come Princess Celestia, explore your new kingdom!”

Celestia obliged as she reclined on a large inner tube that was actually a donut. A wine glass appeared out of nowhere next to the box of donuts. She let out a small sigh as she reclined back, dipping her glass into the river below her. “Well, if you say so.”

Celestia giggled loudly as she kicked her hooves into the air.

“Why, my little donuts, it is truthfully a marvelous kingdom,” she exclaimed with a smile, her face flushed red as she twirled the glass in her hoof.

“It is just me, Princess,” said the single remaining donut in the box. “But yes, it is truly wonderful, and it is all for you.”

Celestia gasped. “Only one left?”

“Fret not! For more will come!”

The now drunk Princess shook her head. “Are you not sad, my little donut? You are the last one.”

The donut smiled. “As they say, save the best for last. I am cream filled after all! Come on, stick me inside of you! You know you want to!”

“Why yes,” Celestia said lazily, a dopey smile adorning her face. “As you wish…”

She levitated the donut, bringing it to her muzzle, giving the donut the nibble.

It was crisp.

It was fresh.

It was absolutely tasteless.

The Princess’ eyes jerked open. Floating in front of her was not a delicious cream filled donut, but a piece of celery.

“Why hello there!” the celery shouted, googly eyes appearing on it. “Well that was not very nice, taking a bite out of me. You should learn some manners.”

The color drained from her face, leaving nothing but a pale white shell. She dropped the talking abomination, dunking her muzzle into the river to rid the taste from her mouth.

She gagged and jerked her head up as she tasted not champagne, but something foul. “W-what is this?!” Celestia shouted as she stood up on her raft.

“Why it is prune juice, dear sister!”

Celestia stood rigid as her head slowly turned to look behind her.

There was her sister, standing in what appeared to be a bowl of salad. Sticking out of it was a black flag with a pony skull with two bushes of alfalfa below it.

“Luna!”

“Why hello, dear Celestia!” Luna exclaimed as she waved her hoof. “Tis a fine wind, perfect for sailing, is it not?”

Celestia’s face twisted in confusion, then anger. “What are you doing here!” the white alicorn shouted.

“Moi?” Luna replied, a pirate hat adorning her head. “What ever do you mean, dear sister?”

“Why are you here?” Celestia shouted.

“To take care of you, of course!” Luna replied happily, an eyepatch over an eye. “The key to getting better is by eating better!”

“Indeed,” the piece of celery replied, sitting on Luna’s shoulder. “Eating healthy allows a quick and speedy recovery.”

Celestia blinked, gone were the white towers of frosting and strawberries, and instead pillars of carrots and broccoli took their place. The soft, velvety ground was replaced with crisp, fresh lettuce. The white alicorn started to hyperventilate. Gone was Cakeland, only to be replaced by some salad looking abomination.

“Really, oh sister of mine? Is this how your uncontrolled desire manifests? I mean if it was filled with stallions or a certain purple pony I would understand, but this? Cakeland?”

“Get out of my dream!” screamed Celestia as she wobbled on her raft. She looked down to see her giant donut had became a large carrot boat.

“Tsk, tsk, Tia,” Luna chided as she shook her head. “I am just trying to help you recover and improve your lifestyle. How else will you lose weight on thee fat backside?”

“Squawk! Fat butt, fat butt! Squawk!” the piece of celery cried out, now a celery parrot.

Celestia’s face contorted in anger, turning bright red.

“Something wrong, dear sister?” Luna asked with a smile.

“What's wrong, fatty?” squawked the vegetable parrot.

“STAY OUT!” Celestia screamed as she sent Luna tumbling face first out of her dream door. She stood in the doorway with her wings flared out, her mane and tail on fire. “I WILL PUNT YOUR ASS BACK TO THE MOON IF YOU DO THIS AGAIN!”

The dream door slammed behind Luna, chains and locks appearing all over the ornate door. Of course, Celestia’s dream door would be as decorated as her real one. A small note popped onto the door.

LUNA

STAY OUT!

OR ELSE!

-Celestia

Luna puffed her mane out of her face, her rump in the air. “Sheesh, was just trying to help…”

“Squawk! Moon Butt failed, Moon Butt failed!” the parrot blared.

Luna turned her head back at the celery parrot, staring into its googly eyes. She quickly bit its head off.

“Quiet,” she replied with a muffled chew.

Author's Note

Thanks to Kevinltk for editing.

Confound these Princesses, they drive me to drink.

“Sir!” the young private, Vigilant Shield, called out as he chased Lieutenant Iron Hoof through the barracks.

Iron Hoof turned his head, stopping at a locker and looking back at the galloping private. “What is it, Private?”

The private skidded to a stop, panting. “Sir,” he said through his gasp. “I do not think drinking at this time of day is the best course of action. Why on Equestria would you do such a thing?”

Iron Hoof grunted as he opened the locker, pulling out a handle of rum. “Listen, cupcake, let me tell you a few things. One, you don’t tell me what I can and cannot do. I am a grown stallion, dammit. Two, I’ve been here long enough to know when a storm is a brewin’,” Iron Hoof said as he slammed his locker closed.

“Sir, I'm afraid I don't understand what you’re saying,” Vigilant Shield replied, looking around nervously.

Placing the bottle in his mouth, Lieutenant Iron Hoof walked to his bed. After reaching it, he sat down and opened the bottle, taking a large gulp.

“Private, how long have you been in the guard?” he asked as he placed the bottle down.

“Well, I just got out of basic training a month ago.”

“Exactly,” Iron Hoof replied bluntly. “Do you know what happens around the palace when the Princesses decide to have their fun and games?”

“Well no, not really.”

“Chaos that Discord himself would be proud of,” Iron Hoof sighed loudly.

“What do you mean?”

“Private,” Iron Hoof said as he stared into his eyes. “Do you trust Princess Luna? Do you trust her with your life?”

“Of course I do!” the private blurted out, jumping a little. “Yeah, she had a rough past and I was, at first, a little scared of her, but that doesn’t change the fact that she is a good pony. She paid her dues. Besides, if Princess Celestia trusts her, then so do I.”

“Good answer,” the lieutenant replied. “We both know that Princess Luna can be trusted, but that does not change the fact that other ponies out there have not caught up with the times. There are still a fair number of them that do not trust her, and still view her as Nightmare Moon.”

“But who would believe such a thing?”

“Who else but the Canterlot elite?” Iron Hoof answered as he rolled his eyes.

“But why would they do such a thing?”

“Because anything that changes in their petty lives get's their tail into a knot,” Iron Hoof said as he took another swig of his rum. “Now, instead of kissing the flank of one princess, they have to kiss the flanks of two princesses.”

“Oh, I see...”

“Not only that,” Iron Hoof continued. “They feel that Princess Luna is going to take away their power and privileges. Princess Luna has already mentioned more than once that she wants to be more harsh with the nobility, claiming ‘they have gone soft and weak’ in her absence. I just wish Princess Celestia would follow her sister’s advice on that one.”

“But what does this have to do with us? Why did you say a ‘storm is a comin’?”

Iron Hoof looked up at the private, raising an eyebrow. “Really, Private? You read that order Princess Luna gave us, right?”

“Well yeah, I did...”

“And did it not say that Princess Luna will be taking care of her sister?”

“Well yes, it did...”

“So, if Princess Luna is taking care of her sister, who will be running this joint then?”

“Umm, I don’t know...”

“It is going to be none other than the guard,” Iron Hoof replied sternly.

“Um, forgive me sir, but I don’t really see a problem there.”

“Newbies,” Iron Hoof muttered under his breath. “What that means, Private, is that for however long Princess Celestia is sick, it is going to be the guard’s responsibility to deal with whatever comes to the palace. That means, from dawn till dusk, we are going to have the nobility demand that Princess Luna release their beloved Princess Celestia. And, even though we say that she is just suffering from a common illness that she will get better from shortly, they’re going to just keep on whining and complaining.

“They have their heads shoved so far up each other’s butts that they’ll think this is another one of Princess Luna’s plans on controlling the throne all for herself. And if she is in control, then the elite aren’t going to be afraid of Nightmare Moon bringing eternal night, no, they’re going to be afraid that she will take away all their privileges and power.

“So what does that mean, Private? It means extra long hours with no extra pay dealing with whining foals. That is what it means.”

“Oh,” the private said quietly as looked down. “That does sound awful.”

“Do you see why I’m drinking now, Private?” Iron Hoof continued as he picked up the bottle. “Because this will be the only time to do so as long as Celestia is sick.”

“I understand, sir,” Vigilant Shield replied as he fell to his haunches.

Minutes passed as a calm silence fell in between the two guards.

“Hand me that bottle, sir,” the private finally said.

“Now that’s a good lad!” Iron Hoof replied. “Confound these Princesses, they drive me to drink.”

“Y-you know, you know why there are guards in the first place, P-Private?” Iron Hoof slurred out as he took a swig of rum.

“Um, to protect... to protect the Princesses?” Vigilant Shield replied, his head bobbing around.

“Pfft!” Iron Hoof blurted out as he fell down on his side. “As if we could actually protect the Princesses from threats. I t-tell you, we couldn’t do a damn thing against actual threats. N-Nightmare Moon, D-Discord, changelings, all of them just mopped the floor with us!”

“T-then why are we here?” the private asked as he reached for the bottle, taking a large swig.

“So they have something to look at, that’s what!” Iron Hoof blurted out. “We’re nothing but eye candy to them! We... we just prance around in armor for them!”

The young private just sat there. Finally, he took another swig of the rum. “I... I am okay with that.”

“R-Really?”

“Y-Yeah.” Vigilant Shield answered. His eyes darted around before he leaned down. “Psst, psst,” he whispered.

“Yeah, what is it, Private?”

“Can you keep a secret?”

“Of course I can!” the lieutenant blurted out. “I am a lieutenant after all.”

“I... I kinda have a crush on Princess Celestia...”

Instantly, Iron Hoof sat up, staring directly at the private. “Sorry lad, but you’re out of luck.”

“Wait, what?”

Iron Hoof looked around the room as he brought his muzzle close to Vigilant Shield’s ear. “You did not hear this from me,” he whispered, “but I heard Princess Celestia has got her heart set on her student, Twilight Sparkle.”

Vigilant Shield’s eyes widened, his jaw dropping. He sat there for a couple of seconds before he fell to the ground in a fetal position, crying loudly like a foal. Tears of unfathomable longing flowed out like miniature waterfalls.

“B-But that’s not fair!” he wailed loudly as he flailed his hooves in the air. “None of us can compete with her!”

“I know lad, I know,” Iron Hoof said quietly as he rubbed Vigilant Shield’s back. “Hate to admit it, but we are nothing compared to her.”

“But it isn’t fair!” Vigilant Shield continued to cry out, sobbing between words. “Not even her brother, the captain, is on her level!”

“Aye lad,” Iron Hoof said quietly. “We can’t do much when she is the savior of Equestria so many times over...”

“It’s not fair! Why does Twilight Sparkle get to hog the Princesses all for herself?! It’s just not fair!”

“I know lad, we all know...” Iron Hoof mumbled.

Captain Shining Armor walked into the guard’s barracks, noticing a large group of ponies in the corner.

“What is going on here?” Shining Armor inquired loudly.

All the guards instantly turned around, standing at attention. “Well sir, it is Lieutenant Iron Hoof and Private Vigilant Shield...” one of the guards replied as he rubbed the back of his neck.

Shining Armor’s eyebrow raised as he made his way through the group of ponies. Upon seeing his Lieutenant and Private Vigilant Shield passed out drunk before him, his face hardened.

“Sir, what should we do about them?” a different guard asked.

Shining Armor lifted his head, staring at the faces of his guards before him. “Get your gear on and get ready for anything, all of you,” he said in a stern voice.

“W-why sir?” another guard asked nervously.

“If Iron Hoof is passed out drunk at this time, it can only mean one thing,” Shining Armor said as he levitated his helmet on. “Get ready boys, a storm is coming our way.”

Author's Note

Special thanks to Zeta040 and John Perry for editing.

Thanks to Shanenator for final read through.