Part the first: The life of Gallifrey
Part The First - The Life of Gallifrey
Proofread by OrdDiff
It was a sunny, sunny day in the bright, sickeningly colourful town of Ponyville; as predicted by the weekly pegasi weather report posted on the town hall’s notice board. The sun’s rays produced an amazing amount of heat, making for a stiflingly hot day in this little patch of Equestria. Everywhere vibrantly coloured ponies went about their daily business, unperturbed by their garish surroundings. The only presence not basking in Celestia’s oh-so-sacred sun was a rather demure unicorn slowly plodding his way across the centre of town. Gallifrey, as he was known amongst his peers, dragged his hooves along the ground, kicking up small mounds of dust along his trail. Sighing, Gallifrey ran a hoof through his brown mane, fluffing it up as he thought to himself, ‘Am I the only sane pony in this damn town?’
The ponies of Ponyville were a fun loving folk, happy and carefree. Our protagonist Gallifrey here was the opposite. A writer by profession and social recluse by nature; he detested each and every overbearing, overly excitable, too damn friendly cretin that infested his life. It may sound stand-offish (which it most certainly was) but the ability of most ponies to ignore any and all issues in their lives and to wear a big smile on their faces every moment of the day flabbergasted and amazed the pale yellow unicorn.
Despite his general dislike of company, Gallifrey was indeed out in the town, the reasons being twofold. Firstly, as an author Gallifrey needed inspiration, and unfortunately the muse that stimulated his esoteric ramblings that resembled popular fiction was ponies themselves and their habits; and observation does not necessarily require interaction as Gallifrey came to discover. Secondly and finally, ever since he began his life as the village hermit he had maintained one daily ritual that connected him to the outside world; one event to maintain the semblance of normality to his neighbours and acquaintances. This daily outing took the form of a trip to Sugar Cube Corner, to sate his appetite for sugary treats.
Today was sugary treat Monday for our hero; differentiated from sugary treat Tuesday, Wednesday and so on purely by his current disposition: Gallifrey HATED Mondays, and so on his short trek to confectionery heaven he wore upon his face a frown like an upturned suspension bridge. Once reaching Sugar Cube Corner Gallifrey gingerly opened the garish door and stepped inside. Upon entering the homely café, Gallifrey slowly surveyed the room, sighing at the bright pastel colours adorning every surface and tables full of blithering sycophants gossiping about the latest diet, or who’d recently had a baby, or what colour of silly top hat was fashionable in Canterlot this season. Shaking his head in exasperation and mentally drawing himself in, he headed for an empty corner table and sat down. Carefully removing his saddlebags and relaxing as the weight left his back, he buried his face in a menu, pondering upon what to consume today.
His meditative state was broken rather suddenly by the appearance of a shockingly pink pony, who somehow managed to pop her head down between the menu and Gallifrey’s head: “Hey there Gallifrey! What do you want today huh? We’ve got cupcakes, angel cakes, butterfly cakes, sponge cakes, rock cakes, eccles cakes, ginger cakes, large cakes, small cakes, cakes as big as your HEAD!” With a large smile Pinkie Pie shrunk back and batted her large eyelashes at Gallifrey, “Soooooo what’ll it be huh?” she said, a small notepad and pen appearing out of nowhere into her hooves.
“Ummm, got any specials on Pinkie?” Gallifrey replied, unable to prevent his feelings being lifted by who he would definitely consider to be best pony. It was strange; she encapsulated everything he hated about normal ponies, but all wrapped up together in a perfect pink package that created a pony even more amazing than my sick alliteration skillz.
Pinkie hummed as she tapped her pen against her cheek, deep in thought for a second. “Welllll, I can give you the ‘Pinkie Special’
“Oh, what’s that?” said Gallifrey, a second before he realised in horror the true reality of the ‘Pinkie special’. It was…Too warm, too forward, too friendly. It was…A HUG. Unable to dive out of the way in time, Gallifrey received a face full of Pinkie as she leapt onto him, knocking him out of the chair and squeezing the life out of him. Gallifrey attempted to explain to the mad mare on a clear sugar rush that he was unable to breath, unfortunately due to the crushing of his windpipe, it came out as “Ponko Po, pls got of mo!”
Sensing the unicorn’s intentions, Pinkie climbed off Gallifrey and gave him her largest, warmest smile “Feeling better? I could tell you were feeling like a grumpy mcgrumpy pants so I thought I’d cheer you up!” The smile stayed constant for a second, but as Gallifrey’s face remained stoic, Pinkie seemed to droop slightly as the corners of her mouth fell: “I did cheer you up didn’t I?”
Unable to stop himself, Gallifrey began to smile and place a single hoof on Pinkie’s head. ”Of course you did Pinkie, you always do.” Gallifrey’s smile grew wider as Pinkie popped back into her normal self. Sitting back down, Gallifrey perused the menu for a second before making his order: “I’ll have a cream scone please”
Pinkie quickly scribbled the order down, and then saluted Gallifrey saying “Okie dokie lokie!” before dashing off into the back of the shop to place the order.
Relaxing after the onslaught of friendship he’d just had to endure, Gallifrey lounged back in his seat, surveying the rest of the café’s clientèle as he waited for his scone to arrive. The other ponies in Sugar Cube Corner were chatting away aimlessly to each other in groups, all gathered around the brightly coloured treats arrayed on their tables. From out of his saddlebags, Gallifrey levitated a brown book and yellow pencil; he flipped the pages over to an empty page and began to write.
‘The macabre atmosphere permeating the dark room awakened primal fears hidden deep within the heart of Cherry Smiles, causing her to shrink into a corner, eyes shut tight. Her ragged breaths and thudding heartbeat were the only sounds reaching her ears and…’
A plate adorned by a single cream scone was placed on the table in Gallifrey’s peripheral vision. Looking up, the visage of Pinkie pie, with a grin stretching from ear to ear, proffered towards the ordered confectionery.
“There you go Gallifrey, one cream scone” Pinkie reached across her back and plucked a trio of cherries from seemingly nowhere “with a special treat,” she placed the cherries on top of the scone in a practised flourish “to cheer up poor Mr Grumpy Pants!”
A second smile crept its way slowly across Gallifrey’s cheeks, he LOVED cherries. Faith in ponydom restored!
“Thanks Pinkie, I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t around”
Shrugging her shoulders Pinkie gave Gallifrey one last squeeze from across the table, stretching like a stoner cat reaching for the catnip, before trotting off to serve the other customers.
Once she’d left, Gallifrey tucked into the scone with relish, digging away at the creamy deliciousness, allowing the myriad of taste sensations dancing around his oral cavity to warm his spirits. Relaxing by leaning back in his chair, Gallifrey gave a contented sigh before rising to leave, retrieving his saddlebags, notepad and pencil. Trotting slowly he left the colourful interior of Sugar Cube Corner, homeward bound.
The sun was beginning to fall in the sky, leaving a scarce couple of hours before Luna’s moon replaced Celestia’s sun in the sky, turning day into night. With the temperature cooling to a more acceptable level for Gallifrey, he enjoyed the slow canter home, his brisk walk made all the more enjoyable by the distinct lack of other ponies as most of the town’s population had retreated into their homes for tea.
After ten minutes, Gallifrey reached the final street corner at which to turn in order to reach his humble abode. Grinning in anticipation of seeing his home and tucking up in front of the fireplace with a cup of hot cocoa and a good book, he increased the speed of his canter, rounding the corner with speed in order to see his home, a small cottage at the edge of town, quaint and handsome, with a pretty and compact garden and surrounded by a small white picket fence. The only feature currently marring this beautiful little slice of country life was the great tear through the hatch roofing, and the broken window with glass scattered all over the front garden.
His face twisting into a grimace of disgust, Gallifrey stood in horror at the remains of his sanctuary, his fortress of solitude; and steeled his face into a mask of rage and anger as he charged the remaining distance to his home, sending the door flying open. Snarling and whipping his head back and forth, Gallifrey stomped angrily as he saw his carefully arranged furniture splayed out around the living room as if an inconveniently occurring mini-tornado had torn its way through the room, only to quickly dissipate as if at the author’s request.
After surveying the new arrangement of his humble abode, Gallifrey turned his attention to the only addition to the room, a large and very impressively blue Police box standing over the remains of Gallifrey’s sofa. Wondering how exactly he knew what a police box was despite never seeing one before, Gallifrey stormed over to the obvious intruder and bucked out at the door forcefully. Due to a necessary contrivance, the door was unlocked and Gallifrey easily managed to bust open the door, leaving it swinging madly inside the police box. Rather to mad to be perturbed by the change of surroundings, Gallifrey trotted angrily into the police box, charging straight up to the brown earth pony with a drooping jaw staring wide-eyed at the intruder. Poking the brown-maned pony in the shoulder, Gallifrey looked him straight in the eye “What the buck did you do to my home?!”
Raising an eyebrow the earth pony slowly moved Gallifrey’s accusatory hoof away from his shoulder, “I’m very sorry but we seem to have gotten off on the wrong hoof. I’m The Doctor you see, and this is the Tardis. Unfortunately I seem to have damaged your house somewhat as I fell through that dimensional rift...” Thoughtfully raising a hoof to his chin, he pulled a strange metal rod with a light at the end from nowhere and put it in his mouth, trotting over to the other end of a large central console. “Hmm, if I reverse the polarity of the neutron flow, then pull this doohicky and…Nope this…What if I hit this?” Lost in a reverie of oddly designed switches, levers and buttons The Doctor proceeded to bash, pull and click before raising the metal rod “and a final dash of sonic screwdriver, aaaaand…” with a groan a flash emerged from the central console, and Gallifrey looked back into his living room to see find it back in order.
Utterly flabbergasted, Gallifrey stood with his mouth hanging open as The Doctor emerged by his side, blathering in a similar manner to before “It was a simple job to extend the Tardis’s dimension to include your living room and so making it one of the tardis’s rooms temporarily meaning I could change its composition entirely in a manner of seconds. If you want I can add a swimming pool, a tennis court a –URRRRF” Gallifrey silenced him with a hoof, finally coming back to his senses.
“Thank you, now who are you?!” Gallifrey lowered his hoof, waiting for The Doctor’s reply.
“I’ve already said haven’t I?” Said The Doctor with a confused expression “I’m The Doctor, and you are?”
Sighing, hoping he could get more out of this mysterious stranger later. Gallifrey replied “I’m Gallifrey, author and hermit pleased to meet you.”
“Hmm, Gallifrey?” The Doctor said while shaking his hoof “Haha that’s an amazing coincidence, it just so happens that my-“ The Doctor’s face suddenly drooped in realisation “Oh god I’m in a fanfiction aren’t I?”
“What?” Gallifrey’s face twisted in bemusement as this encounter got even stranger.
“I thought it was a normal time rift I fell into, but obviously not, it was a hole in the FOURTH WALL!” He said, vigorously shaking Gallifrey, his eyes wide with fear. “Now the author will lose control of the story and ANYTHING can get in! You hear me? ANYTHING.” Releasing his grip The Doctor raced back to the console and began pressing buttons, a perplexed Gallifrey only just now realising the Tardis was more fabulous on the inside…
Meanwhile above Ponyville, a Tardis shaped red crack in the sky widened as a shape forced its way through. Majestic and proud…Or overdone and grotesque depending on your view, a black coated alicorn with a red mane squeezed its way through the crack like a monstrous crime against nature emerging from the womb. Their cutie mark was a knife dripping blood and their wings were bat-like in nature. Chuckling to themselves as they hovered in mid-air, they began to chuckle through fanged teeth, grinning with undisguised malice.
A flash of lightning cleaved the sky behind Bloodstain as he posed in a villainous freeze-frame. “Finally I’ve found my way into the land of Equestria from the depths of Deviant Art, all of you had better prepare for the coming of…BLOODSTAIN MCSTABBINGTON!”
