Twilight's Answering Machineby daylandChaptersChapter 1Chapter 2Chapter 4Chapter 5Chapter 6Chapter 7Chapter 8Chapter 3Chapter 1Twilight's Answering Machine (Format similar to Homestar Runner's "Marzipan's Answering Machine") Twilight's phone is on the table. All of the following are recordings from the answering machine and are voice only. Twilight Sparkle: Hello, you have reached Twilight Sparkle's residence. If you have a message for me or Spike, please leave them after the beep. And if this is Rainbow Dash calling in to prank me, could you do the one with the National Book-A-Thon 'cause that one is my favorite. (beep) Pinkie Pie: Hiya Twilight! It's me, Pinkie and I'm just calling in to invite you to my new party!!! Now what the party is for, you may ask? Well NOTHING, silly! I decided that you don't actually need a reason to throw a party, because DUH! Who cares, right?? So get your flank over to the Sugarcube Corner tonight at 8 for the fun of the lifetime! Well, actually fun of the evening, but whatever! Oh, and do you think you can get Spike to come to this one? He's been avoiding my parties lately. You don't suppose that has anything to do with all the pranks I pull on him, right? Nah! My pranks are all in a good fun and if it's bothering him he'd tell me! (now sounding uncertain) Right? (beep) Scootaloo: Hello Twilight, this is, uh, Handy Pony from the National Safety of Equestria or something or another. We just wanted to ask if your (snerk) refrigerator is running. Is it running? No? Well, you’d better go catch it! HA! HA! HA! HA! Quick, Sweetie Belle, do I have a cutie mark? Sweetie Belle: No. Scootaloo: (dejected) Drat! I was sure I’d get one for prank calling! (beep) Lickity Split: Hey Spike, this is Lickity Split. I’m just calling wondering if I, uh, can have my ball back. I know I gave it to you for your birthday and everything, but I, uh, really loved that ball and I’d love to have it back. I mean, you cured your greediness, so you don’t need it anymore, right? So…I’ll just wait for you to show up…with my ball…at my house…I’m presuming you know where I live…right? (beep) Rainbow Dash: (speaking in poor imitation of Applejack’s voice) Hiya Twilight, this is, um, Applejack, calling to let you know that it’s not Rainbow Dash leaving you all these crank calls. It was ME, Applejack, all along. Yes, sugercube, I was the one pranking you! So, uh, if you want me to beat me up for pranking you, feel free, Twi’! I guess you can send Spike over and set me on fire, ‘cause he’s a fire-breathin’ dragon and all that. So, uh…SUGARCUBE! (beep) Spike: Twilight, it’s me. Listen, I don’t have much time, but you gotta help me! I think Pinkie’s following me. Everywhere I turn she’s following me around. Oh I knew it! I knew that this would happen when I started avoiding her parties. But can you blame me? She keeps pranking me everytime I go there! What should I do, Twilight? And don’t suggest anything that involves talking to her. Because that never, ever works out...right? Anyway, I’ll be at Rarity’s so…actually I think I’ll stay overnight here. I’ll just tell her I’m being chased by an insane pony. I mean, it’s not like I’m lying or anything. (beep) Rarity: (sing-songy voice) Hello, Twilight, it’s me, Rarity! (normal voice) I’m just calling to let you know that I’m designing a new dress piece, but I have no idea what type of fabric to use. That darling Spike is over here and I could ask him to bring a book on the history of fabrics rom the library, but he said something about an insane pony trying to attack him, and I simply could not put him in harm’s way, so I suppose it’s up to you to bring a book over here…from the library. I’d know you’d understand. Ta-tah! (beep) Applejack: (speaking in poor imitation of Rainbow Dash’s voice) Hello Twilight this is me, the most awesome, 20% cool Pegasus in the world, Rainbow Dash! And uh, oh man! You caught me! I’m the one leaving you all the prank calls in your answering machine! I suppose I must be punished for all my misdeeds. I mean, I’m pretty sure there’s a spell for removing wings from a Pegasus, right? ‘Cause I TOTALLY deserve that. Maybe for a week…heck, maybe six months. Maybe forever! But I don’t mind, ‘cause I’m Rainbow Dash, the most awesomest…estest? Pony in the whole wide Equestria. Umm..20% cool in 10 seconds flat! I’m Rainbow Dash! (beep) END OF PART 1 Chapter 2Twilight's Answering Machine 2 Twilight's phone is on the table. All of the following are recordings from the answering machine and are voice only. Spike: You have reached Twilight and Spike, leave a message blah blah blah. Twilight Sparkle: (disapproving) Spike… Spike: What!? Everypony should know how these things work. (beep) Mr. Davenport: Miss Sparkle, this constitutes your final warning. If you don’t remit payment of 300 bits and 12 cents for your purchase of parchments and quills, we will be forced to turn you over to “cut off your hooves” collection-style agency. Thanks and have a good day! (beep) Applejack: Howdy Twilight, this here Applejack callin’. I wuz just wonderin’ if you know where that dang Apple Bloom is. She was supposed to do her chores three hours ago! Those apples won’t polish themselves up! Also, I think somepony broke into my cellar and drank all those super-secret “hard” cider that I serve when we have slumber parties. I was just wonderin’ if you know anythin’ about that… So, uh…yeah. (beep) Spike: (slurring, chuckling throughout) Oh hey Twilight (heh heh heh) I’m just calling because, it turns out, Applejack keeps extra cider in her cellar and (ha ha ha!) oh man, they’re better than the stuff she sold at the booth! (BWA HA HA HA) I mean, everything’s all blurry now and I feel light-headed, but WHOOPEE! Just wanted to let you know…BWA HA HA HA! (beep) Fluttershy: Oh hello, Twilight. I was just, um, wondering if you have Prince Albert in a can and… Rainbow Dash: (in background) Ugh, Fluttershy! That prank won’t work on answering machines. Fluttershy: Oh, it doesn’t? I’m so sorry. Rainbow Dash: Geez, gimme that! (grabs phone), Miss Sparkle, this is the Queen of Eggheads calling in to let you know that you won the Biggest Egghead in the World Contest. Just stand outside wearing a giant egg costume for 12 hours, and I will totally come with the prize. (to Fluttershy) There, see? Now THAT’S how you prank call somepony. Fluttershy: You rock, Rainbow Dash. Woo-hoo. Rainbow Dash: C’mon, I’ll help you get it right next time. (beep) Big Macintosh: Good afternoon, Miss Sparkle. This is Big Macintosh. E’yup. Just wonderin’ if you know where my youngest sister is. Was supposed to do her chores hours ago. E’yup. Also, I think your dragon is drunk. He’s prancing around in the field talking to trees. E’yup, definitely drunk. Better check on the hard ciders in the cellar. E’yup. (beep) Cheerilee: Hello there, Twilight. It’s me, Cheerilee. I’m calling to let you know that the school board has rejected your request to teach the history of Equestria at our school. They were going to okay it, but then they looked at the lesson plan you’ve prepared and have decided that it’s too complex and ridiculously nitpicky to teach to foals. But they did say they would reconsider if you removed the lecture on Star Swirl the Bearded’s favorite breakfast. Tah-tah! (beep) Apple Bloom: Howdy Twilight, this here’s Apple Bloom. Listen, uh, I think somethin’s wrong with Spike. I found these extra barrels of cider in the cellar, so I got Spike to help me get some out to maybe sell ‘em, but he ended up drinking the entire barrel and he started making these weird faces and said some weird stuff about my bow. There’s nothing wrong with my bow, ain’t it? I’m so afraid of what I did to Spike that I’m hiding at Scootaloo’s house right now, and I was supposed to mah’ chores hours ago! Oh, I hope Applejack and Big Macintosh are understandin’! (beep) Fluttershy: Oh hello, Twilight, this is Fluttershy Rainbow Dash: (in background) No! Don’t say your name! Fluttershy: Oh, uh, I mean this is Book Wizard, saying uh…that uh…(quickly) YOUREANERD! (beat) Fluttershy: Did I do, um…good? Rainbow Dash: …We’ll just chalk that up as a beginner’s try. Fluttershy: Oh, I’ll never be a prank master. (beep) Meanwhile, at the Cutie Mark Crusaders Clubhouse, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo are looking at Spike, who is lying on the floor, looking sick. He’s holding his stomach, moaning. Spike: Ugh. Apple Bloom: I don’t understand. First he was happy, laughing all the time, and now he’s somehow sick. Sweetie Belle: Maybe the princess will know what’s wrong! Scootaloo: Yeah! Apple Bloom: Well, we already wrote to her. We’re waiting for her to write back! (Spike’s cheek fills up) Spike: Hurk! Apple Bloom: Hey, looks like she wrote back! Spike: Blarg! (throws up on the floor) (Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo backs up slightly, looking at the floor with a mixture of shock and disgust) Sweetie Belle: I…don’t think that’s from the princess. END PART 2 Chapter 4Twilight's Answering Machine 4 All of the following are recordings from the answering machine and are voice only. Twilight Sparkle: Hi, this is Twilight Sparkle and my Number 1 Assistant, Spike. We are not at home right now and… (A white hoof presses the “delete” button on the answering machine. It turns out to be Rarity, standing by the telephone in the living room in the library) Rarity: Oh no you don’t, Twilight. As long as I’m house-sitting for you I’m going to be making some changes around this ghastly library, and I’m starting with your answering machine message. Now, let’s see… (clears throat and pushes “record” button) Rarity: (sing-songy voice) Why hello there! This is Rarity, house-sitting for Twilight Sparkle, so if you have any messages to her or Spike please leave a message at the Be-Eeep! (clicks “delete” button) Rarity: No no no. That won’t do. Doesn’t have enough…pizzaz. Hmmmm (strokes her chin). Let’s try this! (clicks “record” button) Rarity: Why hello, Ponyville! If you have any message for the lovely Miss Twilight Sparkle and her darling assistant, Spike, feel free to leave a message or two at the sound of a mechanical beep! Tah-tah! (clicks “delete” button) Rarity: Let’s pretend that I never said all that. (clicks “record” button) Rarity: Hello. This is Rarity housesitting. Twilight Sparkle. Spike. Messages. Beep. Now. (clicks “stop recording” button) Rarity: Now that, Rarity, is an answering machine message. So simple and straight to the point. (Rarity leaves the living room.) (beep) Rainbow Dash: Wait wait. Rarity!? I wasn’t expecting this. Um, well, gah! Hold on. Gotta make this prank call work. I’ll call back. (beep) Pinkie Pie: Oh hi Rarity! This is your bestest friend in the whole wide world Pinkie Pie! I’m just calling my other bestest friend Twilight about…something, and, um…well phooey! I forgot why I’m calling her! Oh well, if I remember I’ll be sure to call back. Bye! (beep) Mayor: Oh, um, hello Miss Sparkle. This is the Mayor of Ponyville calling. I’m just calling, wondering if you can, um, convince Princess Celestia to provide more financial support for our town. Really! We still don’t have enough money to fix the Town Hall and Applejack winning the rodeo contest was our biggest chance, and we know how that went. It’s getting desperate, Miss Sparkle! Please get Princess to give us an aid! And if the dragon is listening to this message instead, um, don’t bother asking her. Just write to the Princess on your free will. You won’t get in trouble…trust me…because I’m the mayor. (beep) Spike: Oh hey Rarity. I’m not calling for any reason or another. I just love listening to your answering machine. (lovey dovey voice) Ooooh, so simple…so straight to the point. Twilight Sparkle: (in background) Spike, who are you calling? Spike: Oh um, um…Rainbow…Pie? (beep) Sweetie Belle: Oh hi, Rarity. This is your sister Sweetie Belle calling. Ummm, I just want you to know that I was at Apple Bloom’s house all day. Yup, never stepped foot inside your Boutique. So, um, if you see your sewing machine busted into pieces when you come home, just know that it has totally nothing to do with me, at all. Nope. Not one bit. See ya’! (beep) Rainbow Dash: Oh hello, Miss Rarity. This is Fashion Pony Magazine…thing. We just want to let you know that your suit has won the grand prize of some sort! Yes, this is real and not a prank…because we’re a world-famous Fashion Pony Magazine. To claim the prize, please cover yourself in dirt and stand in front of Carousel Boutique. And I don’t mean the kind you get at the spa. I mean the dirt found at the Sweet Apple Acre’s pig barn. That way we know for sure you’re Rarity and not some other pony posing as you. Thank you. This is Fashion Pony Magazine signing off. (beep) Spike: Hey Rarity. Again, I’m just calling to hear your answering machine message. Oh, you have such wonderful voice an… Twilight Sparkle: (in background) Spike? Are you calling our phone again? Spike: Ummm…I have no idea what you’re talking about, Twilight. I’m just calling, er…Snails! Yeah, I’m calling Snails to see if he has the notes from today’s class! Twilight Sparkle: (in background) Spike, you don’t go to school. Spike: Um, beep!...I mean… (beep) Pinkie Pie: Hi ya, Rarity! Okay, now I just remembered why I called. I needed to store my Party Cannon in the library because the Cakes were complaining that the noise it makes was waking up the twins, so I can’t use it here for the time being! As for where I placed it…um, Rarity, I wouldn’t use the bathroom if I were you. (Off-screen, the toilet flushes and the party cannon sets off. Rarity is heard screaming) Rarity: Aaaahhhh! How in Equestria did that dreadful cannon fit in there! Oh my mane, my beautiful mane! It’s going to take me at least five spa trips to get that cleaned up! Whhhyyyy meeee!? (Rarity starts bawling) (beep) END OF PART 4 Chapter 5Twilight's Answering Machine 5 All of the following are recordings from the answering machine and are voice only. Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, yeah. Leave a message. (beep) Mr. Cake: Hello, Twilight. This is Carrot Cake down at Sugarcube Corner. Listen, don’t tell this to anypony, especially my wife and Pinkie Pie. Dear lord, definitely not Pinkie. But, erm, I’ve heard from other ponies that you have lab equipment in the basement at your library. And, well, do you think you can do DNA checkup on the twins? I mean, it’s not like I don’t trust my wife or anything, but I really want to know how much it actually makes sense. Know what I mean? So yeah, call me back next time, and if my wife or Pinkie answers the phone, don’t tell them why you need to speak to me. S’long! (beep) Rainbow Dash: Hello, Twilight. This is the ghost of Star-Swirl the Bearded, telling you that you’re a great big egghead. You make me proud, girl! Only you have nitpicky behavior on the history of unicorn magic that nopony else give a ponytail about! Thanks! And you know what would be even better? Giving Rainbow Dash a batch of cookies! Well, make sure you get Spike to bake ‘em. I have a feeling you’d be terrible at it. Remember, Twilight. Rainbow Dash is the greatest pony in the world. And I know this because I’m Star-Swirl the Bearded. (beep) Discord: Bwa-ha ha ha ha! (lightning suddenly strikes in the background) Oh yes, Twilight, it is I, Discord! You may have put me in stone prison, but you haven’t taken my ability to call ponies while in suspended animation! Ooooo! I’m spreading chaos on your answering machine! And…that’s all I can do. That and making lightning appear. (lightning strikes again) It’s not easy being able to spread chaos when you’re in stone prison. (beep) Rocky: Twilight, this is your first and only warning. Stay away from Pinkie or we will be forced to resort to drastic measures! Sir Lints-A-Lot: Oh yes. Pinkie is OUR friend, not your’s. The consequences will be dire! Madame L’Flour: Oh yes! Consequences! (silence) Mr. Turnip: What consequences? Rocky: Oh, um…phooey! We haven’t planned ahead! (a sound of door opening and hooves walking on the floor is heard) Pinkie Pie: (in background) Mr. and Mrs. Cake! I’m back! Rocky: Oh horseapples! She’s back! Hurry, hang up! Pinkie Pie: Hello? …Looks like Mr. Cake forgot to hang-up the phone when he talked to somepony this morning. Better not waste phone-energy!...Phones are magical, right? …Who am I talking to? (beep) Cherry Jubilee: Hello, Miss Sparkle? Okay, what the hay is going on? One day all six of you are working on my cherry farm, and the poof! The next day you all just leave without leaving a note or anything? Is this some type of joke!? Twilight, we’re behind on schedule! The shipment’s been delayed! Good chunk of our merchandise is ruined! Our sales are running low! Why!? Why did you do this to me!? What did I do to deserve this!? Some employees you girls turned out to be! (beep) Rainbow Dash: (eating potato chips) Oh hey Twilight. (munch munch munch) This is ol’ Rainbow. Just callin’, wondering how you’re doing. (munch munch munch) Ya’know, I’m doing fine. Still awesome as always. (munch munch munch) In conclusion, you should definitely listen to Star Swirl the Bearded. (munch munch munch) (beep) Mrs. Cake: Hello, Twilight. This is Cup Cake down at the Sugarcube Cormer. Uh…did my husband call you recently, lately? Don’t mention this to anyone, but I think he may be cheating on me. Ever since the twins were born he seems so unsure about me, and he keeps looking at me by the corner whenever my back is turned. And he seems pretty close to Pinkie lately, I think. Or maybe…I dunno. Look, um, are you two having an affair? I won’t be mad at you if you are, but (voice starts shaking) I just…I just love Carrot so much. (sniffs) I don’t know what I’ll do if he leaves me (starts crying). (beep) Spike: Oh hey Twilight, it’s me. So, uh…that Starswirl doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I think you’re capable of making the greatest cookies in the world! Maybe better than Pinkie herself! So, uh, bake cookies for Rainbow Dash. Yep, that’s all I’m saying. (phone click sound) Tee-hee hee. Twilight’s cookies will definitely give food poisoning to Rainbow! Hee hee. Hey, the phone’s not hung up…oh horsefeathers. (quickly slams the phone) (beep) END OF PART 5 Chapter 6Twilight's Answering Machine 6 All of the following are recordings from the answering machine and are voice only. Twilight Sparkle: We’re not here. You know the drill. (beep) Strong Bad: Wait, you’re not Marzipan! Who is this? You mean there’s actually someone else who has an answering machine? Well that’s a load of crap. Although you sound pretty hot. Mmm yeah, hey there, baby. Wanna go out with the one and only Strong Bad? I mean, it’s not like you’re a purple horse or anything. Just shoot me an email the next time you’re on your computer. I’m going to guess you have computers or something at your place. (beep) Snails: Der, hey Spike. It’s your pal Snails…we’re pals, right? Anyway, me and Snips were wondering…are girl dragons hot? I mean, we’ve never seen much dragons around, and the only other ones beside you want to, ya’ know, eat us. But yeah, do you know if girl dragons are worth dating? Like, how does your mom look? …Do you even have a mom? You never really told us about your parents. Hmmm, Spike’s mom, hot or not? (beep) Pinkie Pie: Hey Twilight! It’s your ol’ pal Pinkie Pie! Well, you’ll be happy to know that Mr. and Mrs. Cake has kissed and made up after that big fight the other day. No, I mean, theyreally kissed, like it didn’t matter I was in front of them or anything, and I think they did some other stuff, too, but I got bored and left by then. Anyway, they’re going on their second honeymoon next week and are leaving me with the twins. Now, I may have said that I can manage with the two, and I really love playing with them, buuuuut (panicking voice) PLEASE COME AND HELP ME! I mean, I managed to get used to babysitting them every other day, but a WHOLE WEEK!? That’s, like, TEN every other days! And Pound Cake is really getting strong, too. This one time, he grabbed me by the tail, flew over the window, and dropped me to the ground! It was funny the first 10 or 12 times, but now it hurts like I bit a large jawbreaker and cracked my teeth! They don’t call ‘em jawbreakers for nothing, Twilight! So, uh, drop by and help me or something. You’re magical. You should be okay! (beep) Rainbow Dash: Hey Twilight. Thanks for letting me borrow those Darring Doo books again. It’s freakin’ awesome! Anyway, I was wondering if there’s gonna be one more book coming out. Seriously, there’s gotta be more to tell to the most awesomest, made-up Pegasus in the world! There’s no way they’re going to run out of ideas. I mean, it’s not like they’re going to this whole space alien thing, with Darring surviving a nuclear blast by hiding inside some, say…oh, a refrigerator. (pause) Actually that sounds awesome. So, yeah, will there be more eventually? (beep) Snips: Okay, Spike. What is all this I hear about your hot mom!? I didn’t know you even had a mom in the first place! I always thought you just appeared…out of nowhere…one day. I mean, c’mon, bro! You’re not being fair, keeping your hot mom away from me! You never said anything about your parents, so tell us about them! Specifically, your hot mom. (beep) Insane Hospital Pony: BARK BARK BARK BARK AWOOooooooo! WOOF WOOF WOOF! Doctor: Hey! I thought I told you to go back to your room! (sound of Insane Pony galloping away) (beep) Ahuitzotl: CURSE YOU, PONY! You may have gotten away with the Sapphire Stone, but I, Ahuitzotl, will be back! Oh yes, mark my word! I will have my vengeance!...This is Darring Doo, right? If not, please disregard this message. (beep) Homestar Runner: Whoa, Marzipan! What happened to your voice? I mean, you sound different. Like, did you turn yourself into a talking, purple unicorn or something? Because that’s great! I always wanted a unicorn girlfriend for me to break up with! Man, it’s nice for something to finally happen! It’s like we’ve been dormant for more than a year. (beep) Diamond Tiara: Like, hi or whatever, Spike. It’s me, Diamond Tiara. So me and Silver Spoon were going through the latest fashion catalog and saw that a gown made from dragon scales are, like, totally in this year. So we were wondering if you can help us acquire them or whatever. Namely just so I can make those blank flanks jealous. And I hear your mother is pretty. Maybe she can donate her skin or something? She’s probably huge, since she’s a dragon and all. It’s only gonna be, what, a small but huge scar to work on the dress? I’m sure that’s no big deal. (beep) END OF PART 6 Chapter 7Twilight's Answering Machine 7 All of the following are recordings from the answering machine and are voice only. Spike: So, uh, Twilight snapped…again. We’ll be gone for few days for “treatment”. Leave a message. (beep) Rarity: Why hello, darling. Hope you’re going to feel better after that…incident. Anyway, I was just calling to ask: do you have a brother? Rumor has it that a fine stallion by the name of Shining Armor is your older brother. If so, why haven’t you told us about it? I mean, I know we haven’t really gone in depth on sharing details on our family, but honestly, Twilight. You didn’t feel the need to tell us about your brother? Well, once you’ve recovered you’re marching up to the Boutique and you’re going to tell me all about him! (in sing song voice) I’ll be sure to have tea! (beep) Iron Will: Hello Ms. Sparkle! Iron Will’s the name and I’m here to rock! Iron Will’s just calling to tell you about the new assertiveness training that will take place tonight! With new teaching technique like telling people pushing you around that “No means No!” Iron Will is sure that will be useful for ponies like you! That’s all Iron Will wants to say. Oh, what is this brother of your’s that Iron Will’s been hearing about!? I mean, Iron Will doesn’t even know who you are, but this is something you should’ve at least mentioned once! When somepony is out of your loop, you have to punch a hole in your…hoop? Iron Will needs to work on that catchphrase. (beep) Cheerilee: Hello Twilight, it’s me, Cheerilee. Listen, I know it’s a bad time, with your condition and all, but I’ve been meaning to ask: what the buck were you thinking when you gave that book to the girls!? I mean, without getting into discussing why they decided to publish the recipe for the love poison on a book that anypony can check out, didn’t you consider that giving such book to those three would’ve been a bad idea? Do you even know what those girls can be like? I mean…augh! And how come you never told us about your brother!? (beep) Spike: Okay, Twi. I know it’s strange calling you through our phone when I can probably just ask you at the hospital, but…how come even I didn’t know about your brother? I mean, I’ve seen your parents many times. I even stayed over at your home in Canterlot two or three times before, and even they never said anything about their son. Is he like the black sheep in the family or something? Did he create a hit cartoon series that’s a thinly-veiled parody of your parents, where they hit eachother with parking meters and thus you and your family are ashamed of him!? Come on, Twilight! I hate it when I’m out of the loop. (beep) Rainbow Dash: Oh come on, Twilight! You have a brother!? What, does that make me the only one who doesn’t have a sibling!? Okay, I guess Fluttershy don’t, either, but I don’t think she has a family at all. Come to think of it, do I have a family? Where did I come from? I…I’ll call back later. (beep) Discord: Hi Twilight. It’s you-know-who. No, don’t worry, I won’t spread chaos through your phone like the last time. It’s just…I think I’m losing my touch. The last time I escaped the rock prison I couldn’t even discord Fluttershy without cheating. Now I hear that she managed to become jerk just by spending the day at the Ponyville market!? What the buck!? Wow, and you thought I was evil? Also, your brother? That’s pure chaos, baby! (beep) Fluttershy: Um, hi, Twilight. So, um, I’m just calling, wondering, well, how come you never told us about your brother? I mean, if you don’t want to talk about him, that’s fine, but, well, it just seems out of nowhere that you somehow have a brother that’s never been mentioned before. Um, I guess that’s all…(squeak). (beep) Cheese: I AM THE CHEESE! I AM THE BEST CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW! I AM BETTER THAN BOTH THE SALAMI AND THE BOLOGNA COMBINED! DON’T YOU FORGET IT! AND HOW COME YOU NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT YOUR BROTHER!?!?!? (beep) Cranky Doodle Donkey: Hello Miss, it’s Cranky. So, uh, do you have a book on how to obtain restraining order? There’s this certain…pony…that I really want to leave me alone. I won’t tell you who this pony is, but she just randomly appears out of nowhere and is seriously creeping me out. Let me know if you have something. Oh, and just so we’re clear, I don’t give a hoot about your brother in any shape or form, so there! (beep) Shining Armor: Hello, Twilight. This is Shining Armor. Listen, how come you never told me that I’m your brother? I mean, I guess I should have seen this coming, seeing that we lived together with our parents for years and what not, but seriously, all those years and neither of them told me that we’re siblings! I thought you were just some girl that randomly decided to live with us, and now I get the news that I’m your brother? That doesn’t make sense! Anyway, wanna come to my wedding? Oh, and you may or may not become Princess Celestia’s sister-in-law pretty soon. (beep) End Chapter 7 Chapter 8Twilight's Answering Machine #8 All of the following are recordings from the answering machine and are voice only. Twilight Sparkle: Huh, it's been over a year since I changed my answering machine message. Anyway, it may be a while before I can call back because, well, I have wings and all that. See ya! (beep) Comic Book Guy: Hello, Twilight Sparkle. I have successfully sent this message to another dimension. Anyway, I have a bone to pick with you. Specifically, why in the world did you say in that Hot Topic video that you can't fly, when you clearly flew after the coronation. Don't you realize that nothing matters more than strict, accurate continuity in this show!? Why, the very thought makes my butt tingle! Worst. Plot Hole. Ever!...That's not what I meant when I said “plot”, by the way. (beep) Rainbow Dash: 'Sup, Twilight! So I've been thinking: are we wing buddies now? I mean, I know you're a princess now and you have some...princessy-things to do, but we should totally fly around and do stuff. Heck, let me teach you how to use those wings and maybe you can become a Wonderbolt! I mean, they gotta let princesses in, right? Maybe a friend of a princess. (cough) So uh...talk to you later! (beep) Trixie: This is the Great and Powerful Trixie, giving you a call to your communication device! Anyway, the Great and Powerful Trixie would like to, um, ask you a favor. Can...can I crash into your place? You see, I've been kind of homeless ever since I lost my home, and I don't think that rock farm will ever hire me back. I mean, I'm sure being a princess will entitle you to some big, fancy castle, so there's gotta be a room you can spare for me, right? The Great and Powerful Trixie will now perform the amazing act of hanging this phone up! (click) Ummm, I dropped the receiver. (beep) Jade Singer: Hello, Twilight. Congratulations on becoming a princess and all. Hey, uh, do you know what happened to my favorite swing album? It's just that it disappeared right before you left. I mean, I don't think you took it since I know you're not a fan, but do you know what happened to it? If you can give me a lead, that'd be swell. So what'd you think of “Re-Kant”? (beep) Fluttershy: Oh, goodness, Twilight. I'm so happy that you're a princess that I can just scream. Yaaaay! Anyway, I was just wondering if you know proper wing care habits. I mean, I know there are books on the subject, but if you need any help, I would gladly assist you. Oh, maybe we can be preening buddies! I help Rainbow Dash with her wing care all the time! I mean, with the way she flies, it's absolutely essential, but still... So, um, give me a call, if that's okay with you. (beep) Homer Simpson: Hmmm, how did I get this number? Did somebody invent an inter-dimension phone line? Anyway, I'd like to order a pizza with extra cheese and tomato, bacon, onions, and sausage. And could you stop by the donut shop and get a box of it? Hmmmm, donuts. And pizza. Inter-dimensional pizza. (droll) (beep) Spike: Say, Twilight. I'm wondering...will I get wings? I mean, I'm a dragon, and all dragons have wings...except me, apparently. Why don't I have wings? What kind of malarkey is that? And what does “malarkey” even mean!? I mean, if I became a princess, well, I would need to get a sex-change operation first, because... Twilight Sparkle (distant): You know I'm over here, right, Spike? Spike: Oh, right. Heh heh. Never mind. (beep) Rarity: How are you today, Twilight dear? I'm just calling to ask if you want me to retrofit your old dresses so that I can add a hole for your wings. Oh if you're gonna want to dress up, you surely must show off your lovely wings. It's absolutely wonderful and very...princessy? Ugh, even I'm talking like Rainbow Dash. Ta ta! (beep) Applejack: Hi ya' Twilight! So how's being a princess holdin' ya? Say, um, now that you're God or something, I was wonderin' if you could help our farm out. I mean, not that I'm th' kind of pony that asks for guv'mint assistance, but we could really use some cash, and Granny Smith still needs her new hips. Big Macintosh could use a new plow, and even li'l Apple Bloom could use a new bow! So, uh, I don't know where you Princesses keep your bits, but if you could loan me a bit or two...or three thousand. S'long! (beep) Bart Simpson: Hello. I am calling for Philly. Last name, Fueller...yeah, this doesn't work when you're on answering machine. (beep) End Chapter 8 Chapter 3Twilight's Answering Machine 3 All of the following are recordings from the answering machine and are voice only. Twilight Sparkle: (singing to the tune of “Greatest American Hero” theme) Believe it or not, nobody is home. Please leave your message at the beep! Spike: Seriously? Twilight Sparkle: C’mon! It’s funny! (beep) Princess Luna: (in Royal Canterlot Voice) SALUTATIONS, TWILIGHT SPARKLE! THIS IS YE ROYAL NIGHT PRINCESS LUNA! I AM CALLING IN REGARDS TO YOUR FRIEND APPLEJACK’S APPLE PIE. MY ROYAL SISTER HAST RETRIEVED A SLICE FROM HER LAST VISIT TO THY PONYVILLE AND THEY ARE DELICIOUS! THE DELICIOUSNESS HAST BEEN DOUBLED! WE HUMBLY REQUEST THAT YOU DELIVER MORE PIE IMMEDIATELY! THE PRINCESS HAST SPOKEN! (beep) Pinkie Pie: (laughing throughout) Oh hey Fluttershy. (heh heh heh) I just heard this REALLY funny joke (ha ha ha). See, there is this dolphin, and he walks into the bar (ha ha ha). Now, I don’t know how this dolphin can walk on land, but hear me out and…heh heh heh (bursts out laughing) HA HA HA HA HA. Okay, I don’t remember how the joke went, but it was really, really, really funny! (ha ha ha) Anyway, I gotta go! Aunt Pinkie’s gonna call Twilight and tell her all about this! Ooh, maybe I should throw a party about this. Celebrating the funniest joke in the world! (beep) Rainbow Dash: Hey, uh, Spike? It’s me, Rainbow Dash, who have totally never called on this phone before. Nope, never left a prank call to Twilight or anything. (cough) Anyway, I was just wondering. Do you know any guys? You know, colts? Stallions? …Boys? The gals at the weather factory are accusing me of being, um, in an unspeakable relationship with our pals, especially with Applejack for some reason. Anyway, I really want a coltfriend or something just to prove them wrong, but for some reason there aren’t that many guys around in Ponyville and, well, you’re cute but you’re not exactly my type. Maybe somepony that’s less…scaly. If I get really desperate, though, I’ll date pretty much anything that’s male. Hmmm, I wonder if Big Macintosh is single… (beep) Derpy Hooves: Hello, Twilight! It’s me, Derpy! I was just wondering if you have a book on muffins! I really love muffins and I want to try every single brand of muffins in the world! Do you have a book on muffin! You do? Nice job, Twilight Sparkle! So don’t mind me if I crash into your house. Rainbow Dash says it happens all the time anyway and you don’t seem to mind. Yay Applejack! Uh, I mean muffins. Yay muffins! (beep) Fluttershy: Um, hi? I just got a call from Pinkie and she kept calling me Twilight. Is my name Twilight now? If it is, I am so sorry that I took your name. I guess you can call yourself Fluttershy now just to make it even. Oh, I don’t know how I got your name by mistake. I’m terribly sorry about this. I’ll be sure to treat your name right, though. Um…(squeak) (beep) Scootaloo: Are you ready, Sweetie Belle? Sweetie Belle: (in background) You bet, Scootaloo! Scootaloo: Alright! Now one, and two, and three, and… (drum music plays) Scootaloo: (singing) Jingle bells, jingle bells, Jingle all the way. Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh (yeah!) Jingle bells, jingle bells. Jingle all the way. Oh, what fun it is to ride, in a one horse open sleigh yeah! (music ends) Scootaloo: Sorry about that, Twilight, but this was the only way I could get my song recorded, on the account of me using up all my allowance on the drumset. So I’ll just come over and get the tape from you. Hope you don’t mind! Maybe I can get a cutie mark for getting a hit song! (beep) (sound of gums gnawing on phone. This goes on for few seconds until…) Pinkie: Okay, Gummy, that’s enough! SHLURP! (sound of phone yanked from mouth) Sorry about that, Fluttershy. I was teaching Gummy how to talk on the phone, and he still needs work on that. Anyway, since when did you and Twilight switch phones? Why didn’t you tell me!? I could’ve thrown a “Phone Switching” party to celebrate! It sounds SOOO fun. I’d switch phones with Rainbow Dash, but Mr. Cake threatened to shave my mane and serve it in a cupcake if I tried to mangle with the telephone wires again. Oh that Carrot Cake, such a kidder! (beep) END OF PART 3
Chapter 1Twilight's Answering Machine (Format similar to Homestar Runner's "Marzipan's Answering Machine") Twilight's phone is on the table. All of the following are recordings from the answering machine and are voice only. Twilight Sparkle: Hello, you have reached Twilight Sparkle's residence. If you have a message for me or Spike, please leave them after the beep. And if this is Rainbow Dash calling in to prank me, could you do the one with the National Book-A-Thon 'cause that one is my favorite. (beep) Pinkie Pie: Hiya Twilight! It's me, Pinkie and I'm just calling in to invite you to my new party!!! Now what the party is for, you may ask? Well NOTHING, silly! I decided that you don't actually need a reason to throw a party, because DUH! Who cares, right?? So get your flank over to the Sugarcube Corner tonight at 8 for the fun of the lifetime! Well, actually fun of the evening, but whatever! Oh, and do you think you can get Spike to come to this one? He's been avoiding my parties lately. You don't suppose that has anything to do with all the pranks I pull on him, right? Nah! My pranks are all in a good fun and if it's bothering him he'd tell me! (now sounding uncertain) Right? (beep) Scootaloo: Hello Twilight, this is, uh, Handy Pony from the National Safety of Equestria or something or another. We just wanted to ask if your (snerk) refrigerator is running. Is it running? No? Well, you’d better go catch it! HA! HA! HA! HA! Quick, Sweetie Belle, do I have a cutie mark? Sweetie Belle: No. Scootaloo: (dejected) Drat! I was sure I’d get one for prank calling! (beep) Lickity Split: Hey Spike, this is Lickity Split. I’m just calling wondering if I, uh, can have my ball back. I know I gave it to you for your birthday and everything, but I, uh, really loved that ball and I’d love to have it back. I mean, you cured your greediness, so you don’t need it anymore, right? So…I’ll just wait for you to show up…with my ball…at my house…I’m presuming you know where I live…right? (beep) Rainbow Dash: (speaking in poor imitation of Applejack’s voice) Hiya Twilight, this is, um, Applejack, calling to let you know that it’s not Rainbow Dash leaving you all these crank calls. It was ME, Applejack, all along. Yes, sugercube, I was the one pranking you! So, uh, if you want me to beat me up for pranking you, feel free, Twi’! I guess you can send Spike over and set me on fire, ‘cause he’s a fire-breathin’ dragon and all that. So, uh…SUGARCUBE! (beep) Spike: Twilight, it’s me. Listen, I don’t have much time, but you gotta help me! I think Pinkie’s following me. Everywhere I turn she’s following me around. Oh I knew it! I knew that this would happen when I started avoiding her parties. But can you blame me? She keeps pranking me everytime I go there! What should I do, Twilight? And don’t suggest anything that involves talking to her. Because that never, ever works out...right? Anyway, I’ll be at Rarity’s so…actually I think I’ll stay overnight here. I’ll just tell her I’m being chased by an insane pony. I mean, it’s not like I’m lying or anything. (beep) Rarity: (sing-songy voice) Hello, Twilight, it’s me, Rarity! (normal voice) I’m just calling to let you know that I’m designing a new dress piece, but I have no idea what type of fabric to use. That darling Spike is over here and I could ask him to bring a book on the history of fabrics rom the library, but he said something about an insane pony trying to attack him, and I simply could not put him in harm’s way, so I suppose it’s up to you to bring a book over here…from the library. I’d know you’d understand. Ta-tah! (beep) Applejack: (speaking in poor imitation of Rainbow Dash’s voice) Hello Twilight this is me, the most awesome, 20% cool Pegasus in the world, Rainbow Dash! And uh, oh man! You caught me! I’m the one leaving you all the prank calls in your answering machine! I suppose I must be punished for all my misdeeds. I mean, I’m pretty sure there’s a spell for removing wings from a Pegasus, right? ‘Cause I TOTALLY deserve that. Maybe for a week…heck, maybe six months. Maybe forever! But I don’t mind, ‘cause I’m Rainbow Dash, the most awesomest…estest? Pony in the whole wide Equestria. Umm..20% cool in 10 seconds flat! I’m Rainbow Dash! (beep) END OF PART 1
Chapter 2Twilight's Answering Machine 2 Twilight's phone is on the table. All of the following are recordings from the answering machine and are voice only. Spike: You have reached Twilight and Spike, leave a message blah blah blah. Twilight Sparkle: (disapproving) Spike… Spike: What!? Everypony should know how these things work. (beep) Mr. Davenport: Miss Sparkle, this constitutes your final warning. If you don’t remit payment of 300 bits and 12 cents for your purchase of parchments and quills, we will be forced to turn you over to “cut off your hooves” collection-style agency. Thanks and have a good day! (beep) Applejack: Howdy Twilight, this here Applejack callin’. I wuz just wonderin’ if you know where that dang Apple Bloom is. She was supposed to do her chores three hours ago! Those apples won’t polish themselves up! Also, I think somepony broke into my cellar and drank all those super-secret “hard” cider that I serve when we have slumber parties. I was just wonderin’ if you know anythin’ about that… So, uh…yeah. (beep) Spike: (slurring, chuckling throughout) Oh hey Twilight (heh heh heh) I’m just calling because, it turns out, Applejack keeps extra cider in her cellar and (ha ha ha!) oh man, they’re better than the stuff she sold at the booth! (BWA HA HA HA) I mean, everything’s all blurry now and I feel light-headed, but WHOOPEE! Just wanted to let you know…BWA HA HA HA! (beep) Fluttershy: Oh hello, Twilight. I was just, um, wondering if you have Prince Albert in a can and… Rainbow Dash: (in background) Ugh, Fluttershy! That prank won’t work on answering machines. Fluttershy: Oh, it doesn’t? I’m so sorry. Rainbow Dash: Geez, gimme that! (grabs phone), Miss Sparkle, this is the Queen of Eggheads calling in to let you know that you won the Biggest Egghead in the World Contest. Just stand outside wearing a giant egg costume for 12 hours, and I will totally come with the prize. (to Fluttershy) There, see? Now THAT’S how you prank call somepony. Fluttershy: You rock, Rainbow Dash. Woo-hoo. Rainbow Dash: C’mon, I’ll help you get it right next time. (beep) Big Macintosh: Good afternoon, Miss Sparkle. This is Big Macintosh. E’yup. Just wonderin’ if you know where my youngest sister is. Was supposed to do her chores hours ago. E’yup. Also, I think your dragon is drunk. He’s prancing around in the field talking to trees. E’yup, definitely drunk. Better check on the hard ciders in the cellar. E’yup. (beep) Cheerilee: Hello there, Twilight. It’s me, Cheerilee. I’m calling to let you know that the school board has rejected your request to teach the history of Equestria at our school. They were going to okay it, but then they looked at the lesson plan you’ve prepared and have decided that it’s too complex and ridiculously nitpicky to teach to foals. But they did say they would reconsider if you removed the lecture on Star Swirl the Bearded’s favorite breakfast. Tah-tah! (beep) Apple Bloom: Howdy Twilight, this here’s Apple Bloom. Listen, uh, I think somethin’s wrong with Spike. I found these extra barrels of cider in the cellar, so I got Spike to help me get some out to maybe sell ‘em, but he ended up drinking the entire barrel and he started making these weird faces and said some weird stuff about my bow. There’s nothing wrong with my bow, ain’t it? I’m so afraid of what I did to Spike that I’m hiding at Scootaloo’s house right now, and I was supposed to mah’ chores hours ago! Oh, I hope Applejack and Big Macintosh are understandin’! (beep) Fluttershy: Oh hello, Twilight, this is Fluttershy Rainbow Dash: (in background) No! Don’t say your name! Fluttershy: Oh, uh, I mean this is Book Wizard, saying uh…that uh…(quickly) YOUREANERD! (beat) Fluttershy: Did I do, um…good? Rainbow Dash: …We’ll just chalk that up as a beginner’s try. Fluttershy: Oh, I’ll never be a prank master. (beep) Meanwhile, at the Cutie Mark Crusaders Clubhouse, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo are looking at Spike, who is lying on the floor, looking sick. He’s holding his stomach, moaning. Spike: Ugh. Apple Bloom: I don’t understand. First he was happy, laughing all the time, and now he’s somehow sick. Sweetie Belle: Maybe the princess will know what’s wrong! Scootaloo: Yeah! Apple Bloom: Well, we already wrote to her. We’re waiting for her to write back! (Spike’s cheek fills up) Spike: Hurk! Apple Bloom: Hey, looks like she wrote back! Spike: Blarg! (throws up on the floor) (Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo backs up slightly, looking at the floor with a mixture of shock and disgust) Sweetie Belle: I…don’t think that’s from the princess. END PART 2
Chapter 4Twilight's Answering Machine 4 All of the following are recordings from the answering machine and are voice only. Twilight Sparkle: Hi, this is Twilight Sparkle and my Number 1 Assistant, Spike. We are not at home right now and… (A white hoof presses the “delete” button on the answering machine. It turns out to be Rarity, standing by the telephone in the living room in the library) Rarity: Oh no you don’t, Twilight. As long as I’m house-sitting for you I’m going to be making some changes around this ghastly library, and I’m starting with your answering machine message. Now, let’s see… (clears throat and pushes “record” button) Rarity: (sing-songy voice) Why hello there! This is Rarity, house-sitting for Twilight Sparkle, so if you have any messages to her or Spike please leave a message at the Be-Eeep! (clicks “delete” button) Rarity: No no no. That won’t do. Doesn’t have enough…pizzaz. Hmmmm (strokes her chin). Let’s try this! (clicks “record” button) Rarity: Why hello, Ponyville! If you have any message for the lovely Miss Twilight Sparkle and her darling assistant, Spike, feel free to leave a message or two at the sound of a mechanical beep! Tah-tah! (clicks “delete” button) Rarity: Let’s pretend that I never said all that. (clicks “record” button) Rarity: Hello. This is Rarity housesitting. Twilight Sparkle. Spike. Messages. Beep. Now. (clicks “stop recording” button) Rarity: Now that, Rarity, is an answering machine message. So simple and straight to the point. (Rarity leaves the living room.) (beep) Rainbow Dash: Wait wait. Rarity!? I wasn’t expecting this. Um, well, gah! Hold on. Gotta make this prank call work. I’ll call back. (beep) Pinkie Pie: Oh hi Rarity! This is your bestest friend in the whole wide world Pinkie Pie! I’m just calling my other bestest friend Twilight about…something, and, um…well phooey! I forgot why I’m calling her! Oh well, if I remember I’ll be sure to call back. Bye! (beep) Mayor: Oh, um, hello Miss Sparkle. This is the Mayor of Ponyville calling. I’m just calling, wondering if you can, um, convince Princess Celestia to provide more financial support for our town. Really! We still don’t have enough money to fix the Town Hall and Applejack winning the rodeo contest was our biggest chance, and we know how that went. It’s getting desperate, Miss Sparkle! Please get Princess to give us an aid! And if the dragon is listening to this message instead, um, don’t bother asking her. Just write to the Princess on your free will. You won’t get in trouble…trust me…because I’m the mayor. (beep) Spike: Oh hey Rarity. I’m not calling for any reason or another. I just love listening to your answering machine. (lovey dovey voice) Ooooh, so simple…so straight to the point. Twilight Sparkle: (in background) Spike, who are you calling? Spike: Oh um, um…Rainbow…Pie? (beep) Sweetie Belle: Oh hi, Rarity. This is your sister Sweetie Belle calling. Ummm, I just want you to know that I was at Apple Bloom’s house all day. Yup, never stepped foot inside your Boutique. So, um, if you see your sewing machine busted into pieces when you come home, just know that it has totally nothing to do with me, at all. Nope. Not one bit. See ya’! (beep) Rainbow Dash: Oh hello, Miss Rarity. This is Fashion Pony Magazine…thing. We just want to let you know that your suit has won the grand prize of some sort! Yes, this is real and not a prank…because we’re a world-famous Fashion Pony Magazine. To claim the prize, please cover yourself in dirt and stand in front of Carousel Boutique. And I don’t mean the kind you get at the spa. I mean the dirt found at the Sweet Apple Acre’s pig barn. That way we know for sure you’re Rarity and not some other pony posing as you. Thank you. This is Fashion Pony Magazine signing off. (beep) Spike: Hey Rarity. Again, I’m just calling to hear your answering machine message. Oh, you have such wonderful voice an… Twilight Sparkle: (in background) Spike? Are you calling our phone again? Spike: Ummm…I have no idea what you’re talking about, Twilight. I’m just calling, er…Snails! Yeah, I’m calling Snails to see if he has the notes from today’s class! Twilight Sparkle: (in background) Spike, you don’t go to school. Spike: Um, beep!...I mean… (beep) Pinkie Pie: Hi ya, Rarity! Okay, now I just remembered why I called. I needed to store my Party Cannon in the library because the Cakes were complaining that the noise it makes was waking up the twins, so I can’t use it here for the time being! As for where I placed it…um, Rarity, I wouldn’t use the bathroom if I were you. (Off-screen, the toilet flushes and the party cannon sets off. Rarity is heard screaming) Rarity: Aaaahhhh! How in Equestria did that dreadful cannon fit in there! Oh my mane, my beautiful mane! It’s going to take me at least five spa trips to get that cleaned up! Whhhyyyy meeee!? (Rarity starts bawling) (beep) END OF PART 4
Chapter 5Twilight's Answering Machine 5 All of the following are recordings from the answering machine and are voice only. Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, yeah. Leave a message. (beep) Mr. Cake: Hello, Twilight. This is Carrot Cake down at Sugarcube Corner. Listen, don’t tell this to anypony, especially my wife and Pinkie Pie. Dear lord, definitely not Pinkie. But, erm, I’ve heard from other ponies that you have lab equipment in the basement at your library. And, well, do you think you can do DNA checkup on the twins? I mean, it’s not like I don’t trust my wife or anything, but I really want to know how much it actually makes sense. Know what I mean? So yeah, call me back next time, and if my wife or Pinkie answers the phone, don’t tell them why you need to speak to me. S’long! (beep) Rainbow Dash: Hello, Twilight. This is the ghost of Star-Swirl the Bearded, telling you that you’re a great big egghead. You make me proud, girl! Only you have nitpicky behavior on the history of unicorn magic that nopony else give a ponytail about! Thanks! And you know what would be even better? Giving Rainbow Dash a batch of cookies! Well, make sure you get Spike to bake ‘em. I have a feeling you’d be terrible at it. Remember, Twilight. Rainbow Dash is the greatest pony in the world. And I know this because I’m Star-Swirl the Bearded. (beep) Discord: Bwa-ha ha ha ha! (lightning suddenly strikes in the background) Oh yes, Twilight, it is I, Discord! You may have put me in stone prison, but you haven’t taken my ability to call ponies while in suspended animation! Ooooo! I’m spreading chaos on your answering machine! And…that’s all I can do. That and making lightning appear. (lightning strikes again) It’s not easy being able to spread chaos when you’re in stone prison. (beep) Rocky: Twilight, this is your first and only warning. Stay away from Pinkie or we will be forced to resort to drastic measures! Sir Lints-A-Lot: Oh yes. Pinkie is OUR friend, not your’s. The consequences will be dire! Madame L’Flour: Oh yes! Consequences! (silence) Mr. Turnip: What consequences? Rocky: Oh, um…phooey! We haven’t planned ahead! (a sound of door opening and hooves walking on the floor is heard) Pinkie Pie: (in background) Mr. and Mrs. Cake! I’m back! Rocky: Oh horseapples! She’s back! Hurry, hang up! Pinkie Pie: Hello? …Looks like Mr. Cake forgot to hang-up the phone when he talked to somepony this morning. Better not waste phone-energy!...Phones are magical, right? …Who am I talking to? (beep) Cherry Jubilee: Hello, Miss Sparkle? Okay, what the hay is going on? One day all six of you are working on my cherry farm, and the poof! The next day you all just leave without leaving a note or anything? Is this some type of joke!? Twilight, we’re behind on schedule! The shipment’s been delayed! Good chunk of our merchandise is ruined! Our sales are running low! Why!? Why did you do this to me!? What did I do to deserve this!? Some employees you girls turned out to be! (beep) Rainbow Dash: (eating potato chips) Oh hey Twilight. (munch munch munch) This is ol’ Rainbow. Just callin’, wondering how you’re doing. (munch munch munch) Ya’know, I’m doing fine. Still awesome as always. (munch munch munch) In conclusion, you should definitely listen to Star Swirl the Bearded. (munch munch munch) (beep) Mrs. Cake: Hello, Twilight. This is Cup Cake down at the Sugarcube Cormer. Uh…did my husband call you recently, lately? Don’t mention this to anyone, but I think he may be cheating on me. Ever since the twins were born he seems so unsure about me, and he keeps looking at me by the corner whenever my back is turned. And he seems pretty close to Pinkie lately, I think. Or maybe…I dunno. Look, um, are you two having an affair? I won’t be mad at you if you are, but (voice starts shaking) I just…I just love Carrot so much. (sniffs) I don’t know what I’ll do if he leaves me (starts crying). (beep) Spike: Oh hey Twilight, it’s me. So, uh…that Starswirl doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I think you’re capable of making the greatest cookies in the world! Maybe better than Pinkie herself! So, uh, bake cookies for Rainbow Dash. Yep, that’s all I’m saying. (phone click sound) Tee-hee hee. Twilight’s cookies will definitely give food poisoning to Rainbow! Hee hee. Hey, the phone’s not hung up…oh horsefeathers. (quickly slams the phone) (beep) END OF PART 5
Chapter 6Twilight's Answering Machine 6 All of the following are recordings from the answering machine and are voice only. Twilight Sparkle: We’re not here. You know the drill. (beep) Strong Bad: Wait, you’re not Marzipan! Who is this? You mean there’s actually someone else who has an answering machine? Well that’s a load of crap. Although you sound pretty hot. Mmm yeah, hey there, baby. Wanna go out with the one and only Strong Bad? I mean, it’s not like you’re a purple horse or anything. Just shoot me an email the next time you’re on your computer. I’m going to guess you have computers or something at your place. (beep) Snails: Der, hey Spike. It’s your pal Snails…we’re pals, right? Anyway, me and Snips were wondering…are girl dragons hot? I mean, we’ve never seen much dragons around, and the only other ones beside you want to, ya’ know, eat us. But yeah, do you know if girl dragons are worth dating? Like, how does your mom look? …Do you even have a mom? You never really told us about your parents. Hmmm, Spike’s mom, hot or not? (beep) Pinkie Pie: Hey Twilight! It’s your ol’ pal Pinkie Pie! Well, you’ll be happy to know that Mr. and Mrs. Cake has kissed and made up after that big fight the other day. No, I mean, theyreally kissed, like it didn’t matter I was in front of them or anything, and I think they did some other stuff, too, but I got bored and left by then. Anyway, they’re going on their second honeymoon next week and are leaving me with the twins. Now, I may have said that I can manage with the two, and I really love playing with them, buuuuut (panicking voice) PLEASE COME AND HELP ME! I mean, I managed to get used to babysitting them every other day, but a WHOLE WEEK!? That’s, like, TEN every other days! And Pound Cake is really getting strong, too. This one time, he grabbed me by the tail, flew over the window, and dropped me to the ground! It was funny the first 10 or 12 times, but now it hurts like I bit a large jawbreaker and cracked my teeth! They don’t call ‘em jawbreakers for nothing, Twilight! So, uh, drop by and help me or something. You’re magical. You should be okay! (beep) Rainbow Dash: Hey Twilight. Thanks for letting me borrow those Darring Doo books again. It’s freakin’ awesome! Anyway, I was wondering if there’s gonna be one more book coming out. Seriously, there’s gotta be more to tell to the most awesomest, made-up Pegasus in the world! There’s no way they’re going to run out of ideas. I mean, it’s not like they’re going to this whole space alien thing, with Darring surviving a nuclear blast by hiding inside some, say…oh, a refrigerator. (pause) Actually that sounds awesome. So, yeah, will there be more eventually? (beep) Snips: Okay, Spike. What is all this I hear about your hot mom!? I didn’t know you even had a mom in the first place! I always thought you just appeared…out of nowhere…one day. I mean, c’mon, bro! You’re not being fair, keeping your hot mom away from me! You never said anything about your parents, so tell us about them! Specifically, your hot mom. (beep) Insane Hospital Pony: BARK BARK BARK BARK AWOOooooooo! WOOF WOOF WOOF! Doctor: Hey! I thought I told you to go back to your room! (sound of Insane Pony galloping away) (beep) Ahuitzotl: CURSE YOU, PONY! You may have gotten away with the Sapphire Stone, but I, Ahuitzotl, will be back! Oh yes, mark my word! I will have my vengeance!...This is Darring Doo, right? If not, please disregard this message. (beep) Homestar Runner: Whoa, Marzipan! What happened to your voice? I mean, you sound different. Like, did you turn yourself into a talking, purple unicorn or something? Because that’s great! I always wanted a unicorn girlfriend for me to break up with! Man, it’s nice for something to finally happen! It’s like we’ve been dormant for more than a year. (beep) Diamond Tiara: Like, hi or whatever, Spike. It’s me, Diamond Tiara. So me and Silver Spoon were going through the latest fashion catalog and saw that a gown made from dragon scales are, like, totally in this year. So we were wondering if you can help us acquire them or whatever. Namely just so I can make those blank flanks jealous. And I hear your mother is pretty. Maybe she can donate her skin or something? She’s probably huge, since she’s a dragon and all. It’s only gonna be, what, a small but huge scar to work on the dress? I’m sure that’s no big deal. (beep) END OF PART 6
Chapter 7Twilight's Answering Machine 7 All of the following are recordings from the answering machine and are voice only. Spike: So, uh, Twilight snapped…again. We’ll be gone for few days for “treatment”. Leave a message. (beep) Rarity: Why hello, darling. Hope you’re going to feel better after that…incident. Anyway, I was just calling to ask: do you have a brother? Rumor has it that a fine stallion by the name of Shining Armor is your older brother. If so, why haven’t you told us about it? I mean, I know we haven’t really gone in depth on sharing details on our family, but honestly, Twilight. You didn’t feel the need to tell us about your brother? Well, once you’ve recovered you’re marching up to the Boutique and you’re going to tell me all about him! (in sing song voice) I’ll be sure to have tea! (beep) Iron Will: Hello Ms. Sparkle! Iron Will’s the name and I’m here to rock! Iron Will’s just calling to tell you about the new assertiveness training that will take place tonight! With new teaching technique like telling people pushing you around that “No means No!” Iron Will is sure that will be useful for ponies like you! That’s all Iron Will wants to say. Oh, what is this brother of your’s that Iron Will’s been hearing about!? I mean, Iron Will doesn’t even know who you are, but this is something you should’ve at least mentioned once! When somepony is out of your loop, you have to punch a hole in your…hoop? Iron Will needs to work on that catchphrase. (beep) Cheerilee: Hello Twilight, it’s me, Cheerilee. Listen, I know it’s a bad time, with your condition and all, but I’ve been meaning to ask: what the buck were you thinking when you gave that book to the girls!? I mean, without getting into discussing why they decided to publish the recipe for the love poison on a book that anypony can check out, didn’t you consider that giving such book to those three would’ve been a bad idea? Do you even know what those girls can be like? I mean…augh! And how come you never told us about your brother!? (beep) Spike: Okay, Twi. I know it’s strange calling you through our phone when I can probably just ask you at the hospital, but…how come even I didn’t know about your brother? I mean, I’ve seen your parents many times. I even stayed over at your home in Canterlot two or three times before, and even they never said anything about their son. Is he like the black sheep in the family or something? Did he create a hit cartoon series that’s a thinly-veiled parody of your parents, where they hit eachother with parking meters and thus you and your family are ashamed of him!? Come on, Twilight! I hate it when I’m out of the loop. (beep) Rainbow Dash: Oh come on, Twilight! You have a brother!? What, does that make me the only one who doesn’t have a sibling!? Okay, I guess Fluttershy don’t, either, but I don’t think she has a family at all. Come to think of it, do I have a family? Where did I come from? I…I’ll call back later. (beep) Discord: Hi Twilight. It’s you-know-who. No, don’t worry, I won’t spread chaos through your phone like the last time. It’s just…I think I’m losing my touch. The last time I escaped the rock prison I couldn’t even discord Fluttershy without cheating. Now I hear that she managed to become jerk just by spending the day at the Ponyville market!? What the buck!? Wow, and you thought I was evil? Also, your brother? That’s pure chaos, baby! (beep) Fluttershy: Um, hi, Twilight. So, um, I’m just calling, wondering, well, how come you never told us about your brother? I mean, if you don’t want to talk about him, that’s fine, but, well, it just seems out of nowhere that you somehow have a brother that’s never been mentioned before. Um, I guess that’s all…(squeak). (beep) Cheese: I AM THE CHEESE! I AM THE BEST CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW! I AM BETTER THAN BOTH THE SALAMI AND THE BOLOGNA COMBINED! DON’T YOU FORGET IT! AND HOW COME YOU NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT YOUR BROTHER!?!?!? (beep) Cranky Doodle Donkey: Hello Miss, it’s Cranky. So, uh, do you have a book on how to obtain restraining order? There’s this certain…pony…that I really want to leave me alone. I won’t tell you who this pony is, but she just randomly appears out of nowhere and is seriously creeping me out. Let me know if you have something. Oh, and just so we’re clear, I don’t give a hoot about your brother in any shape or form, so there! (beep) Shining Armor: Hello, Twilight. This is Shining Armor. Listen, how come you never told me that I’m your brother? I mean, I guess I should have seen this coming, seeing that we lived together with our parents for years and what not, but seriously, all those years and neither of them told me that we’re siblings! I thought you were just some girl that randomly decided to live with us, and now I get the news that I’m your brother? That doesn’t make sense! Anyway, wanna come to my wedding? Oh, and you may or may not become Princess Celestia’s sister-in-law pretty soon. (beep) End Chapter 7
Chapter 8Twilight's Answering Machine #8 All of the following are recordings from the answering machine and are voice only. Twilight Sparkle: Huh, it's been over a year since I changed my answering machine message. Anyway, it may be a while before I can call back because, well, I have wings and all that. See ya! (beep) Comic Book Guy: Hello, Twilight Sparkle. I have successfully sent this message to another dimension. Anyway, I have a bone to pick with you. Specifically, why in the world did you say in that Hot Topic video that you can't fly, when you clearly flew after the coronation. Don't you realize that nothing matters more than strict, accurate continuity in this show!? Why, the very thought makes my butt tingle! Worst. Plot Hole. Ever!...That's not what I meant when I said “plot”, by the way. (beep) Rainbow Dash: 'Sup, Twilight! So I've been thinking: are we wing buddies now? I mean, I know you're a princess now and you have some...princessy-things to do, but we should totally fly around and do stuff. Heck, let me teach you how to use those wings and maybe you can become a Wonderbolt! I mean, they gotta let princesses in, right? Maybe a friend of a princess. (cough) So uh...talk to you later! (beep) Trixie: This is the Great and Powerful Trixie, giving you a call to your communication device! Anyway, the Great and Powerful Trixie would like to, um, ask you a favor. Can...can I crash into your place? You see, I've been kind of homeless ever since I lost my home, and I don't think that rock farm will ever hire me back. I mean, I'm sure being a princess will entitle you to some big, fancy castle, so there's gotta be a room you can spare for me, right? The Great and Powerful Trixie will now perform the amazing act of hanging this phone up! (click) Ummm, I dropped the receiver. (beep) Jade Singer: Hello, Twilight. Congratulations on becoming a princess and all. Hey, uh, do you know what happened to my favorite swing album? It's just that it disappeared right before you left. I mean, I don't think you took it since I know you're not a fan, but do you know what happened to it? If you can give me a lead, that'd be swell. So what'd you think of “Re-Kant”? (beep) Fluttershy: Oh, goodness, Twilight. I'm so happy that you're a princess that I can just scream. Yaaaay! Anyway, I was just wondering if you know proper wing care habits. I mean, I know there are books on the subject, but if you need any help, I would gladly assist you. Oh, maybe we can be preening buddies! I help Rainbow Dash with her wing care all the time! I mean, with the way she flies, it's absolutely essential, but still... So, um, give me a call, if that's okay with you. (beep) Homer Simpson: Hmmm, how did I get this number? Did somebody invent an inter-dimension phone line? Anyway, I'd like to order a pizza with extra cheese and tomato, bacon, onions, and sausage. And could you stop by the donut shop and get a box of it? Hmmmm, donuts. And pizza. Inter-dimensional pizza. (droll) (beep) Spike: Say, Twilight. I'm wondering...will I get wings? I mean, I'm a dragon, and all dragons have wings...except me, apparently. Why don't I have wings? What kind of malarkey is that? And what does “malarkey” even mean!? I mean, if I became a princess, well, I would need to get a sex-change operation first, because... Twilight Sparkle (distant): You know I'm over here, right, Spike? Spike: Oh, right. Heh heh. Never mind. (beep) Rarity: How are you today, Twilight dear? I'm just calling to ask if you want me to retrofit your old dresses so that I can add a hole for your wings. Oh if you're gonna want to dress up, you surely must show off your lovely wings. It's absolutely wonderful and very...princessy? Ugh, even I'm talking like Rainbow Dash. Ta ta! (beep) Applejack: Hi ya' Twilight! So how's being a princess holdin' ya? Say, um, now that you're God or something, I was wonderin' if you could help our farm out. I mean, not that I'm th' kind of pony that asks for guv'mint assistance, but we could really use some cash, and Granny Smith still needs her new hips. Big Macintosh could use a new plow, and even li'l Apple Bloom could use a new bow! So, uh, I don't know where you Princesses keep your bits, but if you could loan me a bit or two...or three thousand. S'long! (beep) Bart Simpson: Hello. I am calling for Philly. Last name, Fueller...yeah, this doesn't work when you're on answering machine. (beep) End Chapter 8
Chapter 3Twilight's Answering Machine 3 All of the following are recordings from the answering machine and are voice only. Twilight Sparkle: (singing to the tune of “Greatest American Hero” theme) Believe it or not, nobody is home. Please leave your message at the beep! Spike: Seriously? Twilight Sparkle: C’mon! It’s funny! (beep) Princess Luna: (in Royal Canterlot Voice) SALUTATIONS, TWILIGHT SPARKLE! THIS IS YE ROYAL NIGHT PRINCESS LUNA! I AM CALLING IN REGARDS TO YOUR FRIEND APPLEJACK’S APPLE PIE. MY ROYAL SISTER HAST RETRIEVED A SLICE FROM HER LAST VISIT TO THY PONYVILLE AND THEY ARE DELICIOUS! THE DELICIOUSNESS HAST BEEN DOUBLED! WE HUMBLY REQUEST THAT YOU DELIVER MORE PIE IMMEDIATELY! THE PRINCESS HAST SPOKEN! (beep) Pinkie Pie: (laughing throughout) Oh hey Fluttershy. (heh heh heh) I just heard this REALLY funny joke (ha ha ha). See, there is this dolphin, and he walks into the bar (ha ha ha). Now, I don’t know how this dolphin can walk on land, but hear me out and…heh heh heh (bursts out laughing) HA HA HA HA HA. Okay, I don’t remember how the joke went, but it was really, really, really funny! (ha ha ha) Anyway, I gotta go! Aunt Pinkie’s gonna call Twilight and tell her all about this! Ooh, maybe I should throw a party about this. Celebrating the funniest joke in the world! (beep) Rainbow Dash: Hey, uh, Spike? It’s me, Rainbow Dash, who have totally never called on this phone before. Nope, never left a prank call to Twilight or anything. (cough) Anyway, I was just wondering. Do you know any guys? You know, colts? Stallions? …Boys? The gals at the weather factory are accusing me of being, um, in an unspeakable relationship with our pals, especially with Applejack for some reason. Anyway, I really want a coltfriend or something just to prove them wrong, but for some reason there aren’t that many guys around in Ponyville and, well, you’re cute but you’re not exactly my type. Maybe somepony that’s less…scaly. If I get really desperate, though, I’ll date pretty much anything that’s male. Hmmm, I wonder if Big Macintosh is single… (beep) Derpy Hooves: Hello, Twilight! It’s me, Derpy! I was just wondering if you have a book on muffins! I really love muffins and I want to try every single brand of muffins in the world! Do you have a book on muffin! You do? Nice job, Twilight Sparkle! So don’t mind me if I crash into your house. Rainbow Dash says it happens all the time anyway and you don’t seem to mind. Yay Applejack! Uh, I mean muffins. Yay muffins! (beep) Fluttershy: Um, hi? I just got a call from Pinkie and she kept calling me Twilight. Is my name Twilight now? If it is, I am so sorry that I took your name. I guess you can call yourself Fluttershy now just to make it even. Oh, I don’t know how I got your name by mistake. I’m terribly sorry about this. I’ll be sure to treat your name right, though. Um…(squeak) (beep) Scootaloo: Are you ready, Sweetie Belle? Sweetie Belle: (in background) You bet, Scootaloo! Scootaloo: Alright! Now one, and two, and three, and… (drum music plays) Scootaloo: (singing) Jingle bells, jingle bells, Jingle all the way. Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh (yeah!) Jingle bells, jingle bells. Jingle all the way. Oh, what fun it is to ride, in a one horse open sleigh yeah! (music ends) Scootaloo: Sorry about that, Twilight, but this was the only way I could get my song recorded, on the account of me using up all my allowance on the drumset. So I’ll just come over and get the tape from you. Hope you don’t mind! Maybe I can get a cutie mark for getting a hit song! (beep) (sound of gums gnawing on phone. This goes on for few seconds until…) Pinkie: Okay, Gummy, that’s enough! SHLURP! (sound of phone yanked from mouth) Sorry about that, Fluttershy. I was teaching Gummy how to talk on the phone, and he still needs work on that. Anyway, since when did you and Twilight switch phones? Why didn’t you tell me!? I could’ve thrown a “Phone Switching” party to celebrate! It sounds SOOO fun. I’d switch phones with Rainbow Dash, but Mr. Cake threatened to shave my mane and serve it in a cupcake if I tried to mangle with the telephone wires again. Oh that Carrot Cake, such a kidder! (beep) END OF PART 3
