Chapter 1: My Cookies
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Author's notes: Yes this is my first attempt at published writing. No it isn't a self insert. Other than that I hope you might take the time to read my story and leave a comment on any likes or dislikes on the story.
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"Where the hell did I put those cookies?" I continued my search for the savory treats I had just bought at the store not 30 minutes ago. My stash was running particularly low on chocolate chip cookies after a small get together I had with a friend of mine. "I swear if Sam keeps eating all my fucking cookies I might have to kill him."
I found the resealable pack that held my favorite edible item. You know those packs with the glue on them that you can basically open and close endlessly without the glue wearing off? Well you might not if your from certain parts of the world where cookies are called biscuits (note to self: research where people got cookie out of biscuit) but oh well, it's irrelavent.
I opened up the vessel of unhealthy goodness and gazed upon my reason to live. Literaly, these delishous hunks of epicness are my soul purpose to live. Along side with my family, job, and friends but that's beside the point I'm trying to get across. I LOVE these freaking cookies. That's why I hide them somewhere different every time I invite Sam over. While he also shares my passion on cookies, he lacks the funds to get them.
For the past week, I would get home from work preparing my tounge for a taste of heaven, only to find every single one of my chocolate chip cookies gone. The only people with a key to my apartment are Sam and my landlord. Seeing as my landlord is suffering from diabetes,I highly doubt she is the one decimating my supply.
Anyway, back to the part where I'm drooling over a pack of cookies. "Aw man I can taste you already. Grabing a cookie from the row, I looked it in its non existent eyes, not wanting the moment to end. "To bad I'm endi-"
Crash
There was a huge sound right outside of my door. "C'mon!" I slammed the cookie on the table and marched to the door. Swinging open the door I shouted, " There better be a good fucking reason behind this or-"
"..."
"...."
"What in the actual fuck."
Where the floor to the hall should have been was a massive hole. While this may not seem like a big deal to some (I don't know who wouldn't find it strange that the floor is missing) it completely shocked me. The fact that the floor was missing played a large part in my confusion, but the thing that startled me most was the lack of a certain hall that should have been under mine.
I lived on the 4 story of an apartment complex so it was odd seeing a hole leading to a black abyss instead of the lower level. Being the amazing rational thinker I am, I pulled out a coin from my pocket and tossed it in the bottomless pit instead of calling for help or doing something else that would hurt my manly ego. I strained my ears for a few seconds, but instead of hearing a splash or a coin hitting a hard surface (couldn't think of any sounds that would make... *pink* maybe?) I heard a soft, "Ow."
I furrowed my brow in contemplation. If it was such a pit as I thought, why is someone in it? What troubled me evenmre was the fact that no one else in the building was investigating the explosion. Maybe I'm the sole survivor in a nuclear holocaust, and I'm staring into a black hole but since I'm so close time is slowed to an absolute crawl because of space time stuff.
I pulled put my phone and checked the radiation detection app I installed. Sam thought it was useless but I finally found a situation where it's was aplicable. Suck it Sam. I looked at the screen as large 0 appeared. "Well that rules out nuclear holocaust..." A man can dream.
Contemplating my next move, I felt a strange coldness in the back of my head. It wasn't pleasant but it was bearable. Just then, it grew to a sharp, stabbing pain that brought me to my knees. My vision darkened and I thought I was going to die when it stopped. Standing up, I noticed that the cold was still there, like it wa-
Will you Shutup with the internal monologue thingy? It is really annoying.
"What the fuck," I shout, trying to locate the voice. It sounded rather strange. Sort of like and echo. It also sounded close like it was coming..from...inside of......me.
Bingo we have a winner! What prize do you want? The stuffed animal or the hat? All laughs aside, you should really stop with the story telling thing you're doing in your head, it's really bugging me.
"You can hear my thoug-"
You don't have to speak fool I'm inside of your brain.
Well that's convenint.
Yes quite. Now be a dear and jump in the black pit like a good boy.
"Why wou-"*cough* sorry, thinking right. Why would I ever want to do that? That hole looks fucked up.
What do you mean fucked up?! I just spent countless hours navigating through space and tim- well not time, that's an occupation of a friend of mine. Anyway, countless hours navigating through space to rip open this hole just for you! Then you trow a penny on my head and insult my hole!
I couldn't help but snicker. He said insult my hole. How many times do you hear tha-
*cough*
Oh right, giant hole to space within arms reach, almost forgot. Let's start over..erm..
*sigh* Fine let's get on a name basis seeing that Ill be stuck in your head for a few mellinia.
What do you mean a few mellinia!? Last time I checked, immortals don't eat! What about my cookies!?
That's what worries you when I say I'll be stuck in your head for a few thousand years? I like you already. Now, let's get back to names. My name is Discord, God of Chaos. You are?
God hmm? If your a god then why don't you know my name?
Shutup and tell me your name, or I'll break your toes.
Break my toes? What kind of a thre- CRACK!!
I felt all of the bones in my pinky toe on my left foot shatter. "HOLY FUCKING SHIT THAT HURTS LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER!"
Are you going to question me again?
Whiping a tear out of my eye I shook my head.
You son of a bitch that hurt. Can you at least fix it beforito have to wa- CRACK!!!
"YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE," I shouted. It was the same feeling as before, but it stooped hirting soon after unlike the last time.
You asked. Now tell me your name before I change my mind on who to send through space. Your being quite boring...
Colin. My name is fuckimg Colin you sack of shit.
Calm it with the hostilities big boy. Now jump in the hole we have an adventure to start.
Seeing as you can kill me instantly and I have nothing to lose I guess we'll go.
I took a step towards the hole.
So how does this work? Do I just jump in or should I do a swan dive?
Hmm, I'm thinking a cannonball will do.
"Alright, I'm going to start talking now because this is just getting weird trying to sort out my narration from my thoughts directed towards you as speech." I took a few steps back and started running. I took a giant leap and tucked my legs into my chest and wrapped my arms around them.
"CANNONBA- WAIT MY COOKIES!"
Ate them.
"YOU FUCKING CUNT! HOW? YOU WERE IN THE HOLE! I THEW A PENNY AT YOU!!"
Thew my voice. Usefull skill.
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU" was all to be heard as time returned to normal and any giant holes in space and time were fixed up.