The Secret Story of Big Mac

Chapters

1. Octavia's Odyssey
2. Pinkie's Parable
3. Trixie's Tale
4a. Mr. Cake's Chronicle
4b. Vinyl's Version
5a. Braeburn's Boasting
5b. Spike's Spiel
6. Dash-Mac Smash-Attack
7. Twilight Tattles
8a. Rarity's Revelation
9. How I Met Your Mother
10. Crusader's Chapter
11. A Modest Proposal
8b. Whoovian Wisdom and Mud Wrestling

1. Octavia's Odyssey

"Hey Vinyl." Dash sat down next to the dj at the only bar in Ponyville.

"Hey Dash, how—" Vinyl scrunched up her nose and tried to hide it. "Ah, so it's that time of year again? Did you come here so I could give you a hoof?"

"Harty har Vinyl. You know I can't talk to anypony else about—" Dash glanced around the empty bar. "Being in heat."

"So what'll it be this time? I'm DJ'ing at a rave in two days, could hook you up with a stallion and fix you right up."

"Thanks, but I've been thinking. . ."

"Uh oh, Dash thinking. This can't be good."

Dash shot an unamused look at her. "I uh. . . I'd like to try something more than a quick fix this time."

"Hey now, nothing wrong with a one night romp." Vinyl threw back a shot of vodka.

"You ever get the feeling it's time to settle down?" Dash looked around to make sure nopony had snuck up to eavesdrop.

"That's just the hormones talking."

"Yeah, well, I've been thinking about it for a while. If you tell anypony this there won't be a club far enough away for you to hide in. I've had my eye on Big Mac. . . but I don't know a thing about him."

"Hmm." Vinyl tapped the bar twice, and the bartender brought over the bottle of vodka and left it. "I can see the problem. He's not talkative, and the day you ask Applejack for dating advice about her brother will be the day Twilight becomes a princess."

Dash chuckled softly. "Very observant, so who else in town might know what Big Mac's story is? If I'm going to ask him out on a date, especially right now, I want to know what I'm getting into."

Vinyl drank some vodka straight from the bottle, eliciting a surprised gasp from Dash. "Well, Octy mentioned she met Big Mac at university, maybe she knows."

"Thanks, maybe when I'm carrying you home I'll ask her. How on Equestria can you drink like that and stay upright?"

"Same way I learned to DJ. I practice every night." Vinyl finished off the bottle. "When I die, I want to look dead, and like I was just at the most kick-flank party in Equestria."

"Well, let's get going then and get this over with. If I have any luck left, I can get a date before my friends find out or I'll never live it down."

"Sheesh, you always act like they won't be your friends anymore if you fail to impress them. Remember how we met? You worry too much. Now let's go, Octavia might still be up."

The two walked out of the bar into the cold night. Aside from the nights DJ-Pon3 played at the bar, it was deserted. Not many ponies in Ponyville liked to enjoy the nightlife. That's exactly why Dash confided in Vinyl, and it didn't hurt they were the only two in Ponyville who knew how to properly enjoy a night out at a party.

The two reached Vinyl's house, and she threw her door open with magic. "Octy! Octy! We have company!"

A light turned on at the top of the stairs and a disgruntled voice shouted back down. "Really Vinyl? Who is it this—" Octavia trod down the stairs and saw her with Dash. "Oh, well I'll leave you two alone."

"Octy she's here to talk to you!" Vinyl went over to the nearby couch and fell onto it. She levitated a blanket over herself. "Hey there beautiful," she whispered into the cushion. Seconds later light snoring could be heard.

"Well, now that she's taken care of, what can I do for you Dash?"

"I heard you might know about Big Mac, where he's from, why he never talks." Dash put on an innocent smile. "Just curious."

"I see, well you two certainly would make a cute couple." Octavia grinned at her, seeing right through Dash's facade. "Well, make yourself comfortable."

==============================================================================

Octavia began to recount her story. "I was a young mare in my first year of college at Manehatten University. I had only recently met Vinyl at the beginning of our university days, but that's another story. My math teacher, professor Quadratic—and if you think that's a lame name, his cutie mark was literally the quadratic formula—challenged us with a math problem.

" ' This math problem,' he told us, 'is one that took me and my colleagues two years to solve. If any of you can solve it, you will get an A in the class.' Well naturally I took a crack at it, but it was too advanced for me. Then, one day after class, I saw the janitor walking up to clean the chalk board. I started to go over to stop him. He was a large red stallion, with thick muscles, the kind of body any mare would die to be. . . ahem, anyway.

"I get over to the chalk board, but this janitor wasn't erasing it. He was solving it. It was the most incredible thing I had ever seen, and when I asked him his name, he replied. 'Big Mac.' I asked him if he could teach me how he did that. 'Nope,' he replied."

==============================================================================

Dash had nearly fallen asleep. She had paid attention for a little bit as Octavia described his body, then phased out again. "Ahuh, ahuh, so Big Mac is a janitor from Manehatten who is part of a family that farms apples, and he never talks. You could have at least tried to be a little more convincing."

"Really now, Dash. It's the truth! Big Mac was sent to college, he worked part time as a janitor. It turns out he was so shy, he failed out of his speech class and had to go back home to the farm. He's a mathematical genius! The next Albert Einstallion." Octavia glanced over to make sure Vinyl was asleep. "And don't tell Vinyl, but there's a reason they call him 'Big Mac.' His real name is just Macintosh, he's hung like a stallion."

Dash tried her best to hide her face as she blushed, and she felt warmth spread to body parts best not described in polite company. "Well I can't really go making assumptions, I doubt Applejack would take kindly to a fling. I think I'm going to find somepony a bit more reliable."

"Fine, but when you find out I'm right I expect an apology. And then you have to tell me all the details."

Dash was already halfway to the door and she snorted. "You wish. You stick to Vinyl, I'll stick to stallions." She didn't need to turn around as she closed to door to imagine the beet red blush that must be on Octavia's face.

"Great, now I've got to find somepony else that won't tell the whole town my secret. I've also got to avoid all the stallions in town, figure out how to ask Big Mac out on a date, and somehow find time to teach Scootaloo to fly." Dash was about to fly home when a pink head popped out of a barrel in Vinyl's yard.

"Oh! I know just the thing. I have birth records and detailed histories of everypony in Ponyville in case of changeling emergencies!" Pinkie Pie bounced out of the barrel and walked alongside Dash.

Dash sighed and look at the moon. "Luna, smite me now."

Author's Note

Thanks for reading my story. It has evolved greatly from it's starting concept due to your generous feedback. Be sure to let me know what you think of the first few chapters.

-Kaidan

2. Pinkie's Parable

“It’s around here somewhere, hang on Dash.” Pinkie reached inside a hole in an old oak tree. After a few seconds, she found the dossier. “Aha! See they’re right where I left them. We have Applejack, Applebloom, Big Mac, Granny Smith, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy.”

“Oh neat, you have one on me?” Dash took a step closer. “Let me see.”

“Sure thing,” Pinkie replied. She handed the folder to Dash, who shoved it under her wing.

“Thanks, I’ll be keeping that. Now, let me see what you have on Big Mac.”

“Dash, it took me weeks to dig up all that information on you,” Pinkie pouted.

“And if you don’t want anypony to know about Mr. Turnip, and the bucket of rocks, I’m keeping it.”

“Fine. Now, take a look at Big Mac’s career history.” Pinkie laid the dossier open on the ground under a street lamp.

International Secret Intelligence Service. Agent: ________ Code name: ‘Big Mac.’ Equestrian security number: __________ Hire date: _______ Discharged: Other than Honorable, on ________

Griffonia, August __________. Operation: Dusty Saddle. Unit: Stallion Team Six. Target: ______________.

Agent successfully entered country on ______, and lead team to target, following mission parameters. The team was discovered when ____________________ and Big Mac decided to _____________. The fallout from his failure to __________________ resulted in severed diplomatic ties between Equestria and Griffonia. It also killed a building full of __________________.

“Pinkie, how is this supposed to help? All this tells me is that you have a permanent marker and too much free time.” Dash sighed and tossed the folder back at her.

“Silly mare, your best friend Pinkie Pie knows the whole story.” Pinkie patted Dash on the back. “Let’s walk and talk.”

“Let me guess. You’re not going to let me go to sleep until you finish the story.”

“Yep! Now, I just need to set the mood.” Pinkie cleared her throat, and her voice dropped a few octaves. “It was August 4th, 1996, After Discord. . .”

==============================================================

A large red stallion in a black suit walked into the bar car of the train. Griffonia was still an hour away, and he needed something to take the edge off. “Barpony, one medium dry vodka martini, shaken, not stirred.”

He took a chair at the bar next to a beautiful young mare. “Lovely weather today,” he said in a hushed voice.

“It was raining fillies and colts earlier.” The mint green mare turned to face him. “You can call me L.”

“Mac, Big Mac. Do you have the disk with the blueprints?” He took the martini from the barpony and took a sip. Mac nodded in approval.

“The disc is right here. Promise me you won’t do anything stupid this time.”

“Name one time I’ve done something stupid, L.”

“Let’s see,” she retorted. “The fourth of July luau, trying to be king of a pirate island, and let’s not forgetting nearly killing us in an alligator infested swamp.”

“One time L,” he snapped. “One time I get lost in a swamp and you’re still whining about it. Now, we’ve got an hour left before we reach Griffonia. Why don’t we go discuss the mission in my private train car.”

“Noooooooope.” L walked away and exited the bar car.

“Barpony, another vodka martini, extra vodka.” Big Mac slid the empty glass across the bar.

“I’m afraid I can’t do that, Mac,” the barpony replied.

“We’ve got another hour left on this train, and you’re cutting me off? What do you expect me to do?”

The barpony reached under the table. “Why Mr. Mac, I expect you to die!”

Big Mac bucked the bar, diving backwards as a shotgun blasted through the bar where he had just been.

”Wait a moment.” Dash rolled her eyes. “Even if I believe the whole spy bit, you expect me to believe he got in a gun fight on a train?”

“Yes he did, and we’re not even to the best part!” Pinkie shouted. “There’s a helicopter!”

“I feel like I’m going to regret this, but please, continue.”

Big Mac landed on the floor. He drew his PPK from his holster. Mac fired two rounds at the barpony, who dove for cover. The doors to the train car burst open as four more gunponies burst through.

“I hope this pen Scootaloo made me works.” Mac twisted the top of the pen and flung it at the group of ponies.

Suddenly, there was an explosion. Outside the train car an Apache Helicopter fired missi—

”Ok, now you’re just making stuff up. The only helicopter I’ve ever seen is that candy cane one you ride around,” Dash interjected.

“I was just trying to make it more interesting for the readers, Dash.” Pinkie frowned, and turned to face the wall again.

“Don’t you mean ‘more interesting for me?’ And why do you keep talking to that wall?”

“Do you want to hear the story or not Dash?”

“Fine. . .”

“Come on out Mr. Mac, it is over.” The ponies kept their guns pointed at the booth.

“Not if I have anything to say about it!” Mac pulled out his tec-9 and tensed his legs. “Woooo!” Mac flew out from under the booth, spraying bullets at the ponies. “Rampage!”

“Quick, shoot him!” The ponies returned fire. They fired wildly, hitting everything in the car except Big Mac. Meanwhile, Mac didn’t miss the group of ponies.

He stood up and faced the barpony. “Give me that bottle of absinthe and I won’t kill you.”

The barpony took the alcohol in his trembling hoof and passed it over to him. Big Mac started chugging the green elixir as L burst through the door, tripping on the bodies.

“Mac!” L yelled. “They’ve taken over the train!”

He held up a hoof to silence her while he finished the bottle. “Wooo.” He took aim at the barpony’s knee, missing by several feet with his handgun.

Somewhere in the distance a pony screamed in pain. “Bret?” Mac hiccupped. “Is that you?”

“Aaaaahhhh!” A fuchsia pony with a pink mane was standing in the doorway.

“It’s okay, this isn’t what it looks like. Unless it looks like I got drunk and murdered a bunch of assassins, in which case—“ Mac was cut off by L.

“Mac, there are twenty more of them on the train, we’ve got to bail!” L took cover behind the door as the sound of gunfire resumed.

“Sure, you handle that while I get Miss. . .” Mac looked at the new pony.

“. . . Cheerilee, my name is Cheerilee.”

“While I get Miss Cheerilee off the train.” Big Mac guided her out of the train care. “Follow me.”

Inside the next car was a snowmobile. Mac threw the door open to the side of the storage car, and started up the vehicle.

“Ok, Cheerilee, we’re going to get off this train, and go somewhere warmer. Also, you should probably stay with me tonight, to stay safe.” Mac sat on the snowmobile. Cheerilee climbed on behind him.

Revving the engine, he flew out of the train car. As they rode up the side of the hill, bullets began raining into the snow around them. Glancing back, Mac saw six snowmobiles full of enemy agents on them.

“Aaaahhhhh!” Cheerilee shouted as a bullet flew within feet of them.

“Stop it, that’s right in my ear.” Mac focused on weaving around a few trees ahead to block some of the enemy fire.

Another bullet flew by, splintering a nearby tree. “Aaaaaahhhh!”

“If you don’t stop th—“ Mac was interrupted by another shrill scream. “That’s it!”

“Wait, what are you doing? Why are we slowing down?”

“Since you won’t stop screaming I’m going to kick you off and hope you clog up one of their snowmobiles.”

“No, I’m sorry. Please go!”

Mac reached over her shoulder with the tec-9, taking out two of the snowmobiles in fiery explosions. The others wove around the wreckage and resumed pursuit.

The tree line ahead was their best chance to escape. He swerved into the snowy forest, weaving between trees. Gunfire continued to fill the air behind them. He ducked under a low tree branch, and heard the snowmobile behind him crash into it. Moments later, he took some pot shots at one of the snowmobile. The driver swerved to avoid him, running into a large rock.

The two other agents sped up next to them. They started ramming Big Mac, so he rammed back. One of the agents pulled out a gun, which Mac deftly smacked away. Bringing his own tec-9 to bear, the enemy ripped it out of his hands.

“You drive, Cheerilee.” Mac jumped off the snowmobile, landing next to the two enemies. He knocked their heads together and yanked his tec-9 out of the enemy's hands.

“I don’t know how to drive,” Cheerilee replied.

“Just squeeze it and rotate.” Big Mac started slowing down. “Hang on.”

He fell back as the other snowmobile gained on Cheerilee. Holding his tec-9 steady, he fired a round into the fuel tank, detonating it.

Resuming full speed, he caught up to Cheerilee and jumped on the snowmobile behind her.

“Aaaaaahhhh!”

“I said stop it with the screaming!” Mac shouted. “They’re all dead.”

“No, that!” Cheerilee pointed ahead of them.

Mac slowed down as the clearing came into view. Twenty enemy agents and an Apache Helicopter were waiting for them. In the middle of the clearing stood Jaws, a pony with stainless steel teeth. He was Mac’s nemesis.

“Oh. Don’t worry, I’ll think of something.” He looked around the snowmobile.

“We meet again, Big Mac.” The sun reflected off Jaw's teeth. “Any last words before you die?”

A small compartment opened up on the side of the snowmobile, revealing just what Mac needed.

“I do have some last words,” Mac shouted to the whole clearing. “Rampage!”

Whipping the Rocket Propelled Grenade out of the side compartment, he took aim. Squeezing the trigger, twenty pounds of metal death was launched at the helicopter. The pilot swerved to the side too late.

The explosion knocked the enemies to the ground, peppering them with debris. The helicopter spiraled out of control towards a nearby building. Behind Big Mac, L and the rest of his team of agents arrived.

They got to the clearing just in time to see the helicopter careen into an orphanage, killing every filly inside. A group of nuns rushed in to put out the fire—

==============================================================

“Ok Pinkie, enough.” Dash pulled her friend away from the wall and looked her in the eye. “If you didn’t know why Big Mac is so quiet, why’d you waste my time?”

“That’s simple,” Pinkie answered. “It wouldn’t have been nearly as fun to read if I just said ‘Big Mac is shy.’ “

Dash jaw fell open in disbelief. “Wait. . . so that’s your theory? He’s just shy, and the whole story?”

“Well you didn’t seem happy when you left Octavia's house. I made the dossier and everything a month ago in case you ever got mopey. Read the one about Fluttershy, it's my favorite!”

Dash tried to relieve her anger by walking up to the wall and banging her own head against it. “Pinkie, promise me you’ll never speak of this, or that spy story, again.”

“Okie dokie loki! Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!”

Sighing, Dash headed home for a nightcap and some aspirin. She was nearly a hundred yards away as ponies began to wake up and look outside at all the commotion.

Pinkie suddenly remembered something, so she shouted out to her friend. “Dash! I promise not to tell anypony you’re in heat either!”

Several more lights flickered on. Confused ponies looked around, and then one pony stuck her head out a window. “Pinkie! Go to bed!” The window slammed shut again.

Pinkie frowned and headed into the nearby alleyway. She walked up to her special somepony, who had been watching, and laughing, from the shadows. "Gee Braeburn, what do you want to do tonight?”

“The same thing we do every night, Pinkie,” Braeburn replied. “Try to take over the world!”

3. Trixie's Tale

“Oh Big Mac. . .” Dash rolled over. “Yes. . .”

Dash continued on in this fashion until waking up from her dream. The sun had just risen above the horizon. The light fell on her bed, speeding her along on the return to consciousness.

With a long sigh, she rolled out of bed and headed towards the shower. She brushed her teeth while waiting for the water to warm up. Dash pulled the curtain aside and stepped into the shower. The hot water caused a wave of relief to go through her sore muscles. Her head still throbbed slightly where she had banged it against a wall.

Showering was such an automatic action that her mind wandered. “That worked out well,” she said to herself with a roll of the eyes. “I expected as much from Pinkie, but even Octavia didn’t have a clue.”

“Who should I see next? Maybe Applebloom can tell me, that way AJ won’t know I’m dating her brother. What would I even say to ask him out? Rarity might know how to ask a stallion out, but then I’d be stuck modeling some frou-frou dress.”

Dash began to rinse the shampoo out of her mane. “I suppose Bon Bon or Ms. Cake might know more about him. They’re both such gossips that they must know a little about his history.”

Tank stood in the doorway as she got out and dried off. Once she had finished, she noticed him standing there. “Oh, I suppose you want fed? Okay, but tell me, how do turtles ask each other out?”

Tank blinked slowly, and then withdrew into his shell.

“Yeah I tried that yesterday, Tank, it didn’t work so well.” Dash flew over him and went to the kitchen. Pulling down the bag of feed, she saw where Fluttershy had written Tortoise food. “Tortoise, turtle, close enough.”

Dash poured the tortoise some pellets of food and refilled his water bowl. Tank was nudging the flight harness Twilight had made him. “Sorry champ, no flying when I’m not home. We still need to work on your. . . well, everything. We’ll practice later.” Dash placed a hoof on his shell as he slowly smiled.

Several of her blue feathers were still wet when she headed outside. It was a simple matter to preen them and get ready to fly. The cold breeze felt amazing on her damp fur. Once Dash leapt off the porch, she noticed a figure clad in blue headed towards Sweet Apple Acres.

“Hey,” Dash shouted. “What are you doing back in town?”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie goes wherever she pleases!” She flourished her cape and glared. “You would be wise not to upset Trixie, she has had a bad week.”

“Let me guess, you’re all out of alicorn amulets so you want to annoy Twilight until she surrenders?”

Trixie sighed. “If you must know, the Great and Powerful Trixie has had her heart broken by the stallion of her dreams.”

Her reply surprised Dash. She softly landed on the ground next to her. “Stallion troubles? Well I suppose that is better than you trying to take over the town.”

“Trixie wishes to talk about it, but she does not have any friends.” She tilted her head, angling her hat to cover her eyes.

“Fine,” Dash moaned. “I wouldn’t normally do this.” Dash looked around to see that they were the only ponies on the road into town. “I could use a little dating advice, so tell me what happened. And if you breathe a word of this, I’ll throw you out of town personally this time.”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie appreciates your . . . restraint. It started when Trixie tried to attend a magic convention in Canterlot.”

======================================================================

“Look, lady, the entrance fee to the convention is forty bits. Rooms are eighty bits a night.” The guard stepped in front of the door to the large hall. “If you can’t afford admission, then I can’t let you in.”

“Trixie needs a booth here to earn the bits! Trixie demands to be let in,” she spat.

“Booths are sixty bits. Come back when you can pay.”

Trixie walked away from the convention center. Fate had not been kind to her since a cruel pony embarrassed her and destroyed her only trailer.

”Getting a little off topic, Trixie,” Dash stated.

Deciding to earn the bits for a booth, The Great and Powerful Trixie held a magic show on the side of the road into Canterlot. It was there that she met, the one.

The crimson, muscled hunk of stallion—

”Hold on,” Dash stared Trixie in the eyes. “you’re telling me you fell in love with Big Mac and he broke your heart?”

“That is where Trixie was headed with this story,” she responded. “Do you want me to stop?”

Dash sighed. “No. Go ahead, your story is already more credible than Pinkie’s.”

The large red stallion pulled a cart of apples up the road. His large muscles were covered in a sheen of sweat. He chewed on a piece of hay as he effortlessly climbed the road towards Canterlot.

Trixie was in the middle of her act, and decided to begin the grand finale. Fireworks shot out of thin air, capturing the stallion’s attention. He smiled at her, admiration twinkling in his eyes.

She approached him, only to find out he was so awestruck by Trixie’s beauty he could not speak. He picked a flower from the side of the road and hoofed it to me. He mumbled his first two words. “Name’s Mac.”

“Oh handsome stallion, The Great and Powerful Trixie would be most honored to let you buy me lunch!”

“Nope,” the stallion replied.

“Oh, Trixie insists. Do not be shy to be seen with a celebrity! She recognizes you from Ponyville. Trixie saw how you would watch her from the background.”

Big Mac sighed and began pulling the cart into town.

“Then it is a date! Trixie knows the perfect café to get a daisy sandwich at.”

He continued to walk down the road in silence.

“You need not be embarrassed. The Great and Powerful Trixie puts her cape on one shoulder at a time, just like everypony else”

“Eeyup,” Mac chuckled.

“We’re here, my gallant knight.” Trixie went to an outdoor table and sat down. Big Mac stood there torn between his true love, and his duty to the Apple family.

”Laying it on a bit thick,” Dash quipped. “Stick to the facts.”

“Our love was most certainly fact!” she replied. “At least, Trixie thought it was.”

“Thank you. Trixie always knew you were a big softy under those well-formed muscles.”

Mac stood up and tossed a few bits on the table to cover lunch. “Eeyup.” He hitched himself back up to the apple cart and began walking towards the marketplace.

She caught up to him quickly. “Trixie would like to invite you over for hot coffee. Tell me, sweet stallion, has some mare already stolen your heart? Is this the reason for your silence?”

Big Mac stopped for a moment. He finally glanced over to Trixie with narrow eyes and a wicked smile. “Eeyup.”

The Great and Powerful Trixie stood there in disbelief. Her jaw was open, eyes wide, as her hat was carried off by the wind. Who would dare to steal Trixie’s true love? Who had taken this handsome stallion’s heart?

Trixie decided to come to Ponyville and find out. She would have her revenge on the Apple family, and the mare who stole away her Prince Charming.

======================================================================

“And now Trixie is here, on the side of the road, talking to a tomcolt about true love.” Trixie let out a long sigh. “So, is Trixie free to continue?”

“I guess,” Dash mumbled. “I may not like you, but you’ve given me the most credible story about Big Mac so far.”

“Trixie is confused, you are collecting stories of Big Mac?”

“Oh, it’s nothing.” Dash glanced away and rubbed a hoof in her mane. “Just got curious. You know how that Apple family is, three children and not a single one will say what happened to their folks.”

“Trixie is not convinced. You shall be kept under my watchful eye, Dash.” Trixie walked down the road not waiting for a reply.

“Yeah? Well the elements and I will standby to blast you all the way back to Manehatten!”

Dash grunted in frustration and flew off towards the apple farm. The least she could do is warn Applejack that Trixie was back in town. Dash decided it would be best to leave out the part about Big Mac, for now.

“Dash! Down here!” Scootaloo shouted.

“Hey squirt, what’s up?” Dash landed in the grass next to her.

“Are you ready for the flight lessons?” Scootaloo’s eyes shot wide with joy, twinkling in the sunlight.

“That was today?”

Scootaloo deflated and looked at the ground. “You forgot?”

“No. I’m really busy today. Did your parents ever tell you about the birds and the bees?”

“No, why? Did they form an army and take over Fluttershy’s cottage? Do you think I can get my exterminator cutie mark?”

Dash chuckled. “No, but that’s why I’m busy. It’s an adult thing, kind of like when you snuck Cheerilee a love poison.”

“Oh, that.” Scootaloo held up her hooves, staring at them in horror. “I had to write ‘I will not mix love poisons’ on the board 1,000 times.”

“Then you’ve learned your lesson. Look, let me take care of something at the apple farm and I’ll swing by to teach you later.”

“Pinkie Promise?” Scootaloo began to smile again.

“Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” Dash rubbed Scootaloo’s hair, messing it up. “Now, don’t you have some crusading to do?”

“Thanks Dash,” she shouted as she sped away.

Rainbow Dash headed back towards Sweet Apple Acres. Once she was over the south field, she noticed something was wrong.

“I must have taken a wrong turn, there are nothing but oranges down there.” Dash looked around in confusion. For a moment, she spotted a blue figure darting between trees. “Trixie.”

Dash flew after the blue shape, losing it in the rows of trees. Seconds later she heard a voice shout out. “Sis! We gotta problem in the south field.”

She recognized the voice instantly, and dove into the nearest tree to hide. Sure enough, Big Mac hadn’t been twenty feet away.

Dash looked down at him, recalling Trixie’s descriptions of him. His shoulders were unnaturally strong. He had been able to keep up with Dash during the cider competition against the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000. She realized that she had never seen him without the coat of dust and sweat that came from a hard day’s labor.

Despite his dirty coat, he still managed to smell pleasant, somehow. Dash wouldn’t mind sitting up here all day, but a part of her began to nag. Come on Dash, he’s right there and he’s alone. Just ask him out! We can use the guest room at Fluttershy’s for some extracurricular activities.

She did her best to ignore the voice as Mac paced around the tree, looking at the oranges. Dash dared not move, or he might notice her in the highest branches of the tree. She clenched her eyes, trying to get the voice out of her head. Her face already felt flush with warmth that was slowly spreading. She needed to get out of here, and soon.

Come on Dash, you can’t run away forever! Just ask him, and if he says no then Vinyl will hook us up again. I want you to look, really look at him. Those abs, powerful legs, strong forehooves. . . He is everything you could want in a stallion.

Dash began to tremble slightly in the tree as her wings extended. She knew the voice was right, the quickest solution was to just ask him out. Dash also feared losing. She had never lost in her life, and if Big Mac said no. . . Don’t think like that! You jus— Dash’s inner monologue was interrupted.

“Ah reckon we ought to get Twilight for this,” Applejack said.

“Ain’t ever seen nothin’ like it, sis. All the apples gone and turned into oranges.”

“Maybe if ya buck some down they’ll turn back into apples.” Applejack stepped back so she wouldn’t be pelted by falling fruit.

“Eeyup, worth a shot. I’d hate to tell Granny she’ll be making orange marmalade from now on.”

Dash clutched the tree branch and felt her hooves turning white. Big Mac spun around, bucking the tree and sending vibrations up the branch. Everything about the situation, from his scent, to the vibrations as the oranges fell, tortured her. The object of her desires was mere feet below her. Standing next to him, was the one pony she didn’t want to know about her feelings for Big Mac.

Applejack and Big Mac started poking a few of the oranges. Applejack tossed one into her mouth. “Eeck,” she spat. “Definitely oranges.”

“Ah guess it’s time to get Twilight. Ah never understood why Granny says not to compare apples and oranges. One bite and it’s clear what the difference is. Oranges ain’t apples.”

Dash bit her lip to prevent a laugh. He was cute, even when he didn’t mean to be. A wave of relief filled her as Applejack walked off towards the library. Big Mac remained below the tree until his sister was gone. Dash realized he was looking up in the tree again. The heat in her body was joined by adrenaline. He knows. . .

“Is somepony up there?” Mac shook the tree a few times with his forelegs. A soft moan escaped Dash, before she composed herself.

“I guess not,” Mac stated. He walked away from the tree slowly, before watching it from a distance.

Dash shot out of the tree, nearly breaking the sound barrier in seconds. Luckily, she realized a little subtlety was in order and slowed down, before heading off to find Vinyl.

Big Mac tilted his head and spit out his hay. “Well ah’ll be, ain’t that confusin’. Why was Dash hidin’ up in a tree?”

4a. Mr. Cake's Chronicle

Big Mac, or Macintosh Apple the Third, watched as Dash flew away from the farm at high speed. “Well ah’ll be, ain’t that confusin’. Why was Dash hidin’ in a tree?”

He head back towards the barn and Applejack. The two of them would have a long day ahead of them if they couldn't find Twilight and get their orchard fixed. The south field was now an orange grove and the farm was in disarray.

Applebloom was sent to check on the other fields, finding the whole situation funny. She hoped to get a cutie mark in ‘orange extermination.’ Meanwhile Granny was gathering up as many oranges as she could. It turns out she loves orange marmalade, and wanted to make some before the fields reverted to apples.

Applejack paced around the barn kicking rocks around and muttering under her breath. "Of all the no good low down things. . . Why if ah find out who's behind this ah'm gonna buck 'em clear to Canterlot!" She was ready to go to war with the ponies responsible, leaving her big brother to calm her down.

"Deep breaths, sis," Mac spoke softly. "Don't need ya losing control of your temper when we do find 'em. Ah figure having 'em help harvest the field is punishment enough."

"When have ah ever lost control of my temper—" She spun to face Mac. "Wait, don't answer that. Gah. Ah swear ever since Twilight moved to town ah can't have a single day without somethin' crazy happening."

"Ya got to admit, it makes life a lot more interestin'. " Mac flashed a weak smile in response to her glare.

"Ah suppose we weren't really livin' an excitin’ life until Nightmare Moon returned. Ah just wish the excitement weren’t interfering with running the farm." She stopped marching around and glanced at Mac. "So who'd ya think cursed our fields?"

"Ah was goin' to tell ya that I saw Dash fly outta one of the trees, but ah don't see how she could turn apples to oranges," Mac stated as a matter of fact.

"Ah wouldn't put it past her to be the mastermind. Ever sense the prank with her mane; she's had it in for me."

"Why do you two always hafta prove who's the best?" Mac paused for a moment to ask the question he really wanted to know. "Is it something 'bout her personality? She's around this farm more than Applebloom and has never said a word to me."

"Heh," she laughed. "That'd be 'cuz you're always hard at work. Work's the last thing on her mind. If it doesn't have to do with partyin', braggin', or nappin' then Dash wants none of it."

Mac pondered her sentiments. It was a start, but didn't really tell him much about Dash. She was an attractive mare. He couldn’t decide if she might be hanging around the farm to get to know him, or if he was reading too much into it. It wouldn’t have been the first time he had jumped to conclusions.

He decided to push his luck a little further. "She can't be all bad, seems to be the only pony other than your brother that can best ya in a competition."

"Careful there, last time ya tried to prove you were still stronger ah hurt ya and you missed an applebuck season."

A deep laugh resonated from Big Mac. "Ah told ya ah would have snapped ya like a twig but ah hesitated. You ever want a rematch, let me know."

"Bah, you're bad as Dash. Sure, she's fast in the air, and sly as a fox. Ain't no way she's stronger though, just finds ways to bend the rules."

"You're mighty harsh considerin' she's one of your five closest friends," Mad added. "If she's all bad, why'd you two hang out so much? You aren't fillyfooli—" Mac jumped aside as two apples screamed past his head.

"You're insufferable sometimes, Mac." Applejack laughed at him. "Almost as bad as Dash. Sure she's brash and boastful, but ah suppose she makes up for it with loyalty. Still doesn't mean she ain't as annoyin' as an angry rodeo clown. And if any pony is fillyfoolin' it ain't me or Dash. She's out with Vinyl picking up stallions all the time."

Mac hid a frown at the last bit, preferring to think Dash wasn't that kind of mare. Deciding he'd gotten about as much useful information from his sister as possible, he came up with a reason to head into town. "Well then, ah'll go get Twilight to come fix the farm." Mac flashed a look back at his sister. "And ya should consider fillyfoolin; looks like you need to blow off some steam."

He laughed and ducked a few more apples flung at him. "This ain't over, I know where ya’ll live!" Applejack shouted.

Macintosh continued towards town, pondering the odd behavior of Dash. Mac spent so much time working on the farm that he rarely had time to hang out with friends, not to mention consider a relationship. He decided he was thinking too much into it, like the time he ran into Trixie in Canterlot. If Dash was interested in him, surely she would have said something after all the time she spent on the farm.

Mac nearly passed the library on his way towards Sugarcube Corner. He stopped briefly to knock at the door. After a minute of trying to pick a small rock out of his hoof, he knocked again.

"Hurry up Spike!" a voice inside shouted. "I'm in the middle of an experiment!"

"I'm going, I'm going." Spike opened up the door and had to tilt his head far back to see Mac's face. "Oh hey Big Red, how's it going?"

"Not bad, short stuff. Ah need Twilight's help, some pony has gone and turned all our apples into oranges in the south field."

"Oh, I'll go get her." Spike walked over to the basement door. "Twilight, it's for you!"

"I'll be right up," Twilight shouted. There was a slight rumbling sound and a few wisps of acrid smoke from downstairs. "I'll be up eventually," she added.

"So Mac, you still reading the Age of Dragons graphic novels?" Spike hopped up onto the sofa, and pointed to the half-read novel.

"Eeyup," Mac said. "Ah just finished that one, great book. Never expected Artemis to kill the last emerald dragon." Mac put on his best poker face.

"What?!" Spike tossed the book aside. "Really? How could you spoil it like that?" Spike flopped back onto the couch.

Mac let out a deep laugh that echoed off the wooden walls of the library. "You're too easy to trick.”

Spike let out a nervous laugh and sighed. "Alright, you had your fun. So, we still on for poker with Cake, Whooves, and Braeburn?"

"Sure, Sugarcube corner Thursday. Be sure to bring plenty of baked goods, and try not to hiccup and mail Braeburn's hand of cards to Celestia again."

"Hi Mac, what brings you to the library?" Twilight walked out of the basement, straightening her hair with magic. It wasn't visible, but the smell of burnt hair lingered on her.

"Somepony turned all of his apples into oranges. He needs you to fix his orchard,” Spike explained.

“Eeyup,” Mac chimed.

"Good job Spike, you sure got a lot of information out of him. Maybe it was a transmutation spell. . ." Twilight walked over to the nearby bookshelf. "Spike, where's the book on Organic Chemistry, Transmutation, and Alchemical Science?"

Spike jumped up and walked over to the section labeled 'O.' "Here you go, Twilight." He knew from experience not to bother handing it to her. As soon as he found a book she needed, a purple aura would whisk it away to her. It was best to let go, or he'd find himself hovering in mid-air with the book in question.

"Hmm, yes. . ." Twilight flipped through pages and continued to voice half the conversation she was having with herself. "Fruit bats, fruit transformations, advanced illusions. . . No I think it's simpler, sounds more like a high school prank. . . Well, it still takes a degree of skill. . ."

"So Mac, any idea who cast a spell on your farm?" Spike asked.

"Nope.”

After ten seconds, the name of the only other skilled magician with a possible grudge surfaced in her consciousness. "Trixie! Of course, have you seen her? She must be back in town, she has the skill to cast the spell. . . Oh, this is not good, I wonder if she's here for another duel? I thought we parted on good terms, then this!"

Spike walked over to interject before Twilight had another episode. "Twilight, calm down. It's not that bad, at least, I think it isn't. Let's just go check out the farm nice and calmly."

Mac watched as Twilight practiced a breathing exercise. "Ah’m getting’ back to work.” He excused himself from the house as Spike talked sense into Twilight. He often wondered what she would do without Spike to be her voice of reason.

Macintosh walked towards Sugarcube Corner to talk to one of the few other stallions in town. Twilight had once tried to explain to Mac why the ratio of mares to stallions was nearly 10 to 1. He wasn't slow by any means, but Twilight's lectures were renowned for causing many ponies to wind up stuck at the library for hours. For once, his ability to just say 'Nope' and walk away had saved him from a lecture on the genetic composition and mating habits of ponies following the great famine of 1812.

The door to the cupcake factory opened with a jingle. He had walked in so many times that Pinkie appearing out of nowhere did not shock him anymore. "Pinkie," he stated.

"Oh Big Mac! So good of you to drop by. I was just telling Gummy how strong you were, but he thinks adult alligators are stronger. I don't know any adult alligators, do you? Braeburn says I wouldn't like them if I met any, because they have lots of teeth. You think Celestia would remove all their teeth for me?"

"Nope." Mac continued on towards the counter.

"It was super nice talking to you Big Mac! Braeburn is taking me out to the Everfree Café. It's this wonderful new restaurant with all the fun of the Everfree, without the constant threat of death!"

"Eeyup."

"Okie dokie lokie." Pinkie bounced over towards the stairs, sailing four feet in the air with each leap. To this day, Mac didn't understand how it was physically possible for a pony to get around town by only bouncing. Her calf muscles must have the strength and size of a Minotaur's by now. Despite having no visible calf muscles, Pinkie continued to favor jumping as a mode of locomotion. Mac dismissed it as her and physics having a special agreement.

Mr. Cake smiled and spoke up once Pinkie was gone. "You're the only pony in town that can end a conversation with Pinkie in less than 10 seconds."

"Eeyup," he chuckled. "You shoulda seen her last time she popped outta a keg of apple cider. She is gettin' more and more desperate to surprise me. Celestia forbid she figures out I'm not the shy type, ah'd have more parties than apples on the farm."

"I can see why you play it safe, so what brings you into town this evening?"

"Well, ah got a question to ask one stallion to another." Big Mac smiled. "You uh. . . how do ya know if a mare likes ya?"

"Ah, I was wondering when you'd finally return a mare's attention. Why don't we head out and get a drink?" Mr. Cake began to remove his apron.

"Ain't it a mite early?" Big Mac asked.

"Nope. It's five o'clock somewhere, in fact, it's five o'clock here." Cake pointed up to the clock above the register.

"Ah guess so, well, after you." Mac followed Cake out of the store.

The duo headed for the edge of town. While Sugarcube Corner was near the central town square, the bar was a family owned business near the road to Canterlot. It occasionally doubled as an inn, providing beds to weary travelers. With so many ponies moving to Ponyville, new houses were finally being built and this sort of establishment was becoming less common.

Taking two seats at the bar, they were pleased to see only half a dozen ponies wandering around.

"Looks like a busy night, what can I get you two?" The bartender inquired.

"Colt Daniels," Mac responded.

"Apple martini," Cake added.

"We need ta get ya on the stronger stuff," Mac joked, throwing a quick elbow into his side.

"Last thing I need is to come home drunk with two babies waiting to be changed and a wife eager for my affections." Cake relaxed himself and took a deep breath. "So, let me guess. You finally like a mare and you're too shy to ask them out?"

"Sorta, but ah don't know if they like me, or even where they came from." Mac may not have been the shy pony the town thought he was, however he did have trouble expressing feelings. How would he describe to his friend the bit of joy he felt knowing Dash was on the farm? How would he put into words that one smile from her could wash away the aches from plowing soil and ripping out tree stumps for ten hours? The two had barely spoken to each other, yet he found these alien feelings in the back of his mind, refusing to be ignored.

Cake chuckled. "Here I have a wife, two kids, and my niece Pinkie. You, on the other hoof, are the most eligible bachelor in town. Everytime a mare goes into heat they come poking round the farm and flirting with you. And you're still nervous to ask one out? You're exactly like your father."

"Ah've been told ah'm like him in a lot of ways." He took a drink as soon as the bartender returned.

"And it's a compliment, isn't the anniversary coming up?"

"Eeyup."

"If you want me to go with you to pay respects let me know." Cake smiled and pushed the straw around his martini. "Now, who might this lucky mare be?"

"The competition with the Flim Flam brothers was the first time ah noticed her. Rainbow Dash, figured an athletic and attractive mare like her would be seein’ somepony. She spends a lot o’ time with AJ on the farm, and ah reckon ah’ve caught her starin’ a few times. Ah didn’t think much of it, then ah find her hidin’ from me in a tree."

"Makes sense," he decided. "A strong, shy stallion like you and a beautiful, nervous mare in heat—"

Mac's red face turned a few shades darker as he blushed. "She's in heat?" Most mares would get a tad crazy when their drive to reproduce kicked in.

"Oh my, I thought you knew. Well, I only knew from Ms. Cake and Pinkie. . . Oh I'm never going to hear the end of this now." Mr. Cake rested his head on his hoof.

"Ya make married life seem so wonderful. Anyway, ah assume you might be able to fill me in on some o' the details about Dash? Ah'd like to know this is more than hormones, and asking Applejack for advice for dating her rival would be foolish.”

"You're smarter than you look, Mac. Mares are complicated, got to watch what you say, though I'd love to see you and AJ in another tussle. If I'd known your friendly wager before applebuck season was going to get violent, I'd have sold tickets." Cake laughed, causing Mac to blush again.

"Still haven't heard the end o' that one," he griped.

"Well, I'll tell you what I know of Dash. To be fair, it's mostly from Pinkie, Ms. Cake, and newspaper headlines. I think she'd be great for you, world famous superhero and all."

"Dash is a superhero?" Mac turned to face his friend and pay closer attention.

"Oh sure, not just saving the world from the likes of Discord, or bragging like the time with the Mysterious Mare-Do-Well. That's just a cover story for her real superhero activities. Why'd you think she has the only cloud house in Ponyville? It's full of expensive gadgets."

"Uh oh, you're 'bout to tell me the whole story about when she moved to Ponyville? Will ya at least end it with a little practical advice?"

"Sure thing, Shyguy," Cake quipped. "By day, she naps and delegates jobs to the weather team, but by night—"

======================================================================

"Dash's journal, March 15th, 1997. Found the remains of a diamond dog near the edge of town. This town is afraid of me, for I have seen it's true face. The homes of Ponyville cover up the illegal gambling, foalnapping, and dog fights in the basements. Cruel ponies, bend the law for personal gain and drench the soil on blood. When it finally scabs over, all those vermin will drown. The filth of all their law-breaking will bring the wrath of Celestia upon them. All the charlatans, royal families, and politicians will look up and shout 'Save us!' . . . and I'll whisper 'no.' "

"Ah'm pretty sure ya just quoted one of Spike's graphic novels," Mac accused.

"Well it's better than 'she moved to Ponyville and started fighting crime.' Come on, I got three kids and a wife at home, let me have this," Cake begged."

"Carry on."

“Dash’s journal. Tonight I patrolled the slums, a blotch of filth on the south side of Ponyville. Clad in my catsuit and an assortment of weapons, I became a creature of the night. The filth prowling the streets had a name for me, I never took much of a liking to it. Usually they’d cry it out when they were done screaming for mercy.

“I have tracked down the pony trafficking ring to the east end of south street and third avenue. A dozen low-income houses are squished against one another, almost like a tumor interrupting the straight row of buildings. Ran into Cherry Jubilee again, looks like more mares have taken to selling their body to make a living in this rough town. ‘Give a stallion a carrot, he’ll give you ten bits and his stick’ she always told me.

“Unfortunately for Cherry, she wasn’t in a talking mood tonight. I found the corpse crammed under a porch. Decent mares fighting to survive in a depraved world, she didn’t deserve this. I followed her blood trail across the street to another house. The diamond dogs were getting complacent, stupid, they had led me straight to their hideout. I would make them pay in kind for the suffering they had wrought.

“I took one last look around at the town I grew up in with a sweet yellow mare. Berry Punch and Cloud Kicker’s houses were boarded up, covered in grime from disuse. They were two of the first to vanish. I had no evidence back then, had to bash in several skulls to get to the truth of the foalnappings.

“I checked the door. Locked, would have been too easy. I used a second story window to get in. I found the remnants of the Diamond Dog’s depravity. Soiled bed sheets, signs of struggle, a tuft of hair. The poignant odor of urine and feces assaulted me. The mutts were a cancer to our way of life, tonight I would excise them. They would beg for mercy, just like the ponies they have harmed, and I shall not give it to them.

“The house was full of locked doors. I headed downstairs, past the sounds of chains and moaning and towards the voices of the dogs. I hovered down into the basement to see what they were up to. Five of the dogs were playing poker. Funny, one of them had a royal flush. He seemed quite pleased until my hoof caved in his skull. The other dogs didn’t seem so pleased.

“I began the familiar dance. The vile, sinful members of society would attack me to defend their way of life. I would purge their wicked ways as they screamed in agony. After all these years it was too easy to deflect their punches and snap their bones until one dog remained. Had another funny idea, I found a leash and hooked it to his collar. Made him walk me down into the mines. I don’t think he liked it, then again he’s not around anymore to complain.

“I still dream of what I saw down in those mines. A dozen ponies, skin and bone, clinging to life and pulling carts of gems. Fillies and colts put to work digging into the ground with bare hooves. What bothered me most was the ones I didn’t get there in time to help.

“Scootaloo, I took that filly under my wing. The town knows her parents were killed by the Diamond Dogs in that cave. They don’t know how, and I still can’t put the horrors into words. They had even snapped Scootaloo’s wings to keep her from flying off. Filly is still trying to learn to fly. I knew then what had to be done, for every filly, colt, and mare that had died by the vermin’s hands.

“I emptied out the caves that night. Not a single pony nor Diamond Dog remained when I was finished. I carried back every weak pony to town, took every cold body to the mortuary. No dogs left the caves that night. I haven’t seen a Diamond Dog within fifty miles of Ponyville since. I think they’re not as stupid as they look.

“Ponyville may not want a hero who brags in broad daylight. Perhaps I have more to learn. I can’t be the hero in the public eye that the town wants to inspire them. Instead I have become the silent protector of the night, who does what even Celestia fears to do, in order to protect Equestria.”

======================================================================

"So, if I want to get her alone in an underground room, in chains as my slave, you're telling me I should start a crime syndicate?" Mac asked.

Cake choked briefly on his martini, turning red. "What? . . . No."

Mac chuckled softly. "Well, that was certainly a grim story. While ah don't doubt Dash is a hero, heck all the elements are, ah'm a bit suspicious of your version. Ah never heard of no ponies being stolen at night, nor a bunch of Diamond Dogs bein' killed." Big Mac had finished his drink and noticed the bar had filled up to near capacity.

"The Mayor covered up the story. Ponyville is having a growth spurt, she doesn't want any bad publicity. Plus, she has a deal with Dash. Mayor turns a blind eye, Dash keeps the crime rate down." Mr. Cake had only finished half of his martini. "Well, I think I've had enough to drink."

"Well ah'll be," Mac spat. "It's Trixie, she cast a spell on our farm and was hidin' right here, in the bar. Ah'm gonna go have words with her, Cake. If she uses her magic, ah need you to sneak up behind her with a bottle—" Cake cut him off.

"Oh no, last time you dragged me into a bar fight, my Wife wouldn't let me go to 'stallion's night out' for three weeks. You're on your own, pal."

Mac grunted, and stood up from the bar. He took a few steps towards Trixie when something nailed him right below the ribs. A wave of pain radiated from his kidney, and he momentarily lost his breath. He quickly turned to face the attacker, only to see a bit of rainbow hair follow a speeding blur out the door.

Pinkie tripped on Big Mac, rolling over once. She hopped to her feet. "Hi Mac! Great night for DJ Pon3, right? Was nice running into you! Ha, Running into you! Haha."

The pink mare was out the door in pursuit of what he now assumed was Rainbow Dash. He then remembered Trixie, the trouble maker and last mare he had tried to be friendly too. Their romance was. . . brief. The showmare was no longer in sight, having slipped out of the bar during the commotion.

Mac ran out of the bar in pursuit of Dash and Pinkie. They would know what the hay was going on, and he might even have a good icebreaker to introduce himself to Dash. "Hey Dash, I'm the stallion you knocked the wind out of. Nice head-butt! Want to go back to my place and clop?—" Mac shook his head, quickly pulling his brain out of the gutter. His Pa had taught him to treat women with respect, but being a lonely bachelor for 25 years often caused his mind to wander to such places.

Not sure where the mares went, he settled for zigzagging through the streets at full speed. His search pattern ended when he heard a loud boom, as if from a cannon. Rounding two more corners he found them.

Before him stood Pinkie Pie, jubilantly dancing around. Next to the party cannon, was a mare covered head to toe in yellow cake batter. As Mac got closer, he saw that Pinkie's dancing was really her throwing sprinkles on the mare. No fur nor mane were visible from the blob of cake mix.

Pinkie's mane was slowly curling back up as she danced around and flung sprinkles.

"Dash, that you?" Big Mac spoke loudly. Pinkie froze in shock as her jaw dropped. She was convinced Mac only knew two words. The mare coated in yellow paste seemed to tense up. Two mushy wings shot out and she made it about four feet off the ground before landing in the dirt. The mare, now two parts batter and one part dirt, fled like a bat out of Tartarus.

Mac had half a mind to follow, but the mare was ridiculously fast despite Pinkie's assault.

"Pinkamena Diane Pie! What do ya think you're doin'? Assaultin' mares at night with cake mix, really?" Big Mac stomped towards her, upset that she might have just assaulted a mare he had wanted to get to know.

"What . . . you . . .speak? . . . but she. . . you're talk—" Pinkie's mind was racing in circles. Something finally brought it to a screeching halt as she regained composure. "Big Mac! Oh I'm so glad to see you, Dash broke a Pinkie Promise and I had to make sure she'd never do it again! I was going to cover her in batter at the bar in front of everypony, I was even thinking of throwing her in an oven—no not like that! I wouldn't turn it on—I just needed to let her know that nopony breaks a Pinkie Promise!"

Big Mac was shocked now, the mare had managed to give him the whole spiel in about 8 seconds. He began to understand what it must be like for Mr. Cake to be around the town's most talkative mare and two babies who were up all night needing fed and changed. It must have been a minor miracle he didn't favor hard liquor to apple martinis.

Big Mac spoke calmly and evenly. "Pinkie, ah know you take your Pinkie Promises seriously, but this is too much. Couldn't ya just talk to her? Ah bet lots of ponies have accidently broke a Pinkie Promise."

"Oh, but breaking a promise is the fastest way to lose a friend! I never want to lose a friend, that's why I'd never tell you Dash likes yo—" Pinkie froze, her mane instantly flattening out. She shrank until she was two feet shorter, and her pupils dilated wide in terror.

Mac felt two emotions simultaneously. First was the ecstasy at the thought that Dash had liked him this whole time. The second was fear that he had misheard Pinkie. "Dash likes me?"

"What? No, of course not silly fill—stallion! Oh dear, I've never broken a Pinkie Promise. What do I do Mac? Do I fire myself out of the cannon? Do I make everypony in town "I'm super-duper sorry" cupcakes?" Pinkie continued to shrink as a wild grin spread across her face. Her eyes began to spread apart, and Mac took a step back. He recalled Pinkie's birthday surprise party, and Applejack warning him to find cover if this happened.

"Uh Pinkie, it's fine, you didn't break it alright? Why don't ya just head home, Braeburn is probably worried. Ain't fair to have a special somepony and run off into the night, he must be worried." Mac smiled nervously; confident he could overpower Pinkie, but scared of her unnatural dexterity and speed.

"Braeburn! That's it, he'll know what to do! He always knows what to do when the voice starts talking!" Pinkie's hair curled back up, and she dashed home with the party cannon in tow.

"Celestia have mercy, and ah thought ah had issues." Mac frowned and headed home to go to bed. Tomorrow he would have to do two days' work in one, assuming the oranges had reverted to apples. This was no time to unravel the enigma of mares.

Author's Note

Next chapter to follow shortly, Heart of the Swarm withstanding.

My first parallel chapters. Find out Dash's half of the story next time!(As in, tonight.) Feedback welcome.

4b. Vinyl's Version

The wind whipped past Dash as she fled the scene of her latest embarrassment. How could I be so stupid? Mac was right there, I should have said something.

Dash looked around as she zoomed through town. Each colored blur flashing by represented a house. The green blur was the Golden Oak's library. The white and purple, Carousel Boutique, and a pink blur for Sugarcube Corner.

With a long sigh, she circled around and landed outside the marketplace. "First thing is first," she assured herself. "I need to calm down, and figure out which pony to ask for advice." She began to walk slowly, hoping to relax and enjoy the sunlight. Her body had other plans as it began releasing pheromones signaling she was a young, fertile mare.

Dash began to look around the marketplace. Several stallions seemed to be paying her a little extra attention. She flung her mane out of her eyes and put on her best scowl. With eyes set forward, nose scrunched, and teeth visible she stomped down the middle of the marketplace. "Nice. . . calm. . . walk. Breathe in. . . Breathe out. . ."

A cat call to her right caused her ears to swivel, and she stopped in her tracks. A large, light brown stallion with blonde hair stood behind a cherry stand. Despite a week's worth of stubble, he swaggered out from behind the booth. "Hey there, beautiful. I hear you're the fastest mare in Equestria, want to meet the fastest stallion?"

Dash snorted. It never ceased to amaze her how a few hormones and a little redirected blood flow could turn a stallion into a complete moron. She had been frustrated, embarrassed, and lead on a wild goose chase. She was not in the mood for this. "Sorry, I prefer my stallions to have stamina, not speed. Maybe you can go find a glory hole."

Dash resumed her angry trot through town. She had been convinced mere moments ago it would help her cool down. There was some laughter from other vendors in the market, and then the next stallion approached to try his luck.

"Did that hurt?" a stallion asked Dash.

"Did what hurt?"

"Did it hurt when you fell out of the sky, because you're an angel."

Dash shot the stallion a nasty glance. He looked like the guy who was obsessed with tubs of jelly. Despite his unoriginality, at least his pickup line had been a compliment. She ignored it and kept on walking, hearing some condolences from the other stallions behind her.

Despite her best efforts to deny the fact, her libido was advertising itself and drawing too much attention on the ground. "The stallions in this town are such animals," she spat under her breath.

Right before she could fly up to the safety of the clouds, another stallion stepped out in front of her. The smell of whiskey hit Dash in the face, before the stallion put together a coherent sentence. "You want an animal, I bet I could rut the arousal right out of you."

Dash had enough of this.

Spinning around she bucked the stallion in his shoulders, narrowly missing his neck. It threw him back into his watermelon stand, sending a spray of red pulp in all directions. Dash used the momentum of the kick to launch into the air. She flew in a wide circle around town. Speeding up, barely twenty feet over the marketplace, she broke the sound barrier.

Market stalls were overturned, a few windows shattered, and several horny stallions were put in their place. Still, it did not make Dash feel any better. She already had the perfect stallion in mind, and she had just bucked it up.

It was time to ask Mac out, but what mare could she trust for dating advice? The answer came to her when she recalled Bon Bon and Lyra. Surely the two roommates had met their share of stallions, and mares, so they might have some advice.

After a few minutes of circling around town she reached their house. Dash landed on the doorstep, her stress finally relieved by the high-speed flight through the streets of Ponyville. She didn't doubt that Mayor Mare or Twilight would be lecturing her tomorrow about the dangers of breaking the sound barrier ten yards away from obnoxious stallions. Tonight, however, she would find out how to ask Big Mac out. Then, she'd give him the time of his life.

Dash knocked on the door. "Coming," a voice sounded from inside. "Lyra, quit sitting like that, we have company!"

The door swung open to reveal Bon Bon in her kitchen apron. "Hey Bonny, how's it going?" Dash asked.

"Dash, wonderful of you to stop by." Bon Bon's smile faded as she noticed her disheveled hair and barely suppressed rage. "Oh dear, are you alright? Do come in."

Dash walked in and flopped on a nearby couch. "You ever got a question you want to ask somepony but it just seems too awkward to ask your best friend?"

"I knew it! You're in love with Pink—" Lyra was cut off when Bon Bon glared daggers at her.

"Lyra! Sorry about that Dash. What's got you so troubled that you'd come pay us a visit?" Bon Bon sat on a nearby chair.

"I've got feelings for Big Mac." Dash paused for a second while Lyra gasped loudly. "And I'm not sure how to ask him out, and I just get this feeling Applejack won't like it. Or Big Mac will just say no. I know Fluttershy and Twilight haven't been on any dates, Pinkie is insane, and I'd never live it down if anypony knew I was asking Rarity for dating advice."

"Oh Dash," Bon Bon sighed softly. "You're so hard on yourself, confiding in your friends won't change how they feel about you."

"What about my image? The tryouts for the Wonderbolts? I can't have everypony thinking I've gone soft."

"Which would you rather have, a special somepony to be happy with for the rest of your life, or a spot on the Wonderbolts?" Bon Bon asked.

"Oh!" Lyra added. "Don't pick the obvious one!" She received another stare from her roommate, silencing her.

"I can't be around him, as soon as I see him working on the farm, or catch a whiff of his scent. . . it just turns my brain to mush. All I can think about is whether or not he likes me."

Lyra leaned over towards Bon Bon. "Oh, she does have it bad."

"How do you think Mac feels around you?" Bon Bon inquired. "I've never heard him say more than two words, he's probably more scared of you then you are of him."

Dash just sat their quietly for a bit, enjoying the serenity of a quiet house with not a stallion in sight.

"Anyway, I believe your question was how to ask Mac out on a date. I'll tell you, but no more avoiding the issue," Bon Bon chuckled. "You've seen Pinkie, Twilight, even Fluttershy get worked up over nothing. Now you're all wound up, ready to snap. I'm telling you, it doesn't matter what anypony thinks as long as you're happy. And knowing your friends, they'll support you, even Applejack."

"Okay." Dash rolled onto her side, getting comfortable. "Shoot."

"Oh, let me go first," Lyra interjected. Bon Bon sighed, then nodded. "Okay Dash, before you ask him out you should know something about him. . ."

========================================================

It was the evening of the zap apple harvest. John and Martha had just had Applejack, and still lived at Sweet Apple Acres with Granny Smith.

John was just putting the plow away when he heard a loud boom over the west field. He turned in time to see something streak below the tree line, raising an awful ruckus.

He hurried over to investigate, and found an odd pod with a baby inside. . . a human baby.
========================================================

"Nope," Bon Bon chided. "You're done Lyra, go practice your lyre while the adults talk."

"Bon Bon! Humans are real. And Mac was one of them!"

"Was?" Dash asked.

"Don't encourage her," Bon Bon recommended.

"Yeah! Celestia didn't want anypony to know that the human homeworld exploded, or that the last son of Earth was here among us. She cast a spell, turning him into an Earth Pony. The Apple's raised him as a son—" Lyra was cut off again.

"Alright, Lyra. You've had your fun, now give us a moment or you're not going to get any pie tonight." Bon Bon watched and waited for her to leave.

"Aww, alright." Lyra got up and walked upstairs.

"Ahem, now Dash, if you're ready for some real advice?" Bon Bon asked.

"Yeah, I am. Otherwise, why would I be couch surfing my way around town taking dating advice from random ponies?"

"Alright. Now asking a stallion out is the easy part, the hard part is figuring out if they're good coltfriend material. Before I tell you how to ask him out, I'm going to tell you how he really moved to Ponyville. . .

========================================================

Jersey Mac and Big Mac were best friends. The two of them went from farm to farm, harvesting crops for a living. Mac was strong, and Jersey was smart. Together they were able to harvest fields and bring in a healthy profit.

Now, Jersey loved Mac like a brother. When Mac got in a little trouble in Fillydelphia, the two decided to find a more rural place to work as farmhands. You see, Mac had a dream of being a Lagomorphologist. He was going to have his own animal farm, and everything. Jersey would remind him of the dream to keep him motivated.

Now Mac had such an affection for the critters that'd he'd often pet furry farm animals. One day he touched a mare the wrong way and got run out of town. So, the two arrived at Dodge Junction. It was rural, but it also didn't support many crops.

So Mac and Jersey found a farm and worked hard to keep their job. Mac was stronger than anypony else on the farm, and soon Jersey was put to work taking deliveries into town. He trusted Mac to be on his own, as he had made friends with a couple of the farmers.

One day a colt and his puppy visited the farm, distant relatives or some-such. Mac just loved the puppy, and asked if he could pet it. The colt was happy to oblige the large red stallion. Mac took the puppy and began petting it. He hugged that pony and poured all his affection into it, before he realized he had suffocated it.

The colt ran off screaming when he saw the puppy was dead. The colt's mom comes back to find out why. Mac tells her that he likes stroking soft things. Mac was crying something fierce, and the mare felt mighty sorry for him.

So she calms him down, pats him on the back, and tells him he can pet her mane.

Mac is ecstatic. Her mane was so soft and smooth, he began stroking it. Now the mare got a bit frightened, because Mac was much stronger than he looked. He hadn't meant to hurt her, but she decided after a few rough jerks it was time to leave. Mac didn't want her to go, and pulled more forcefully on her mane.

Mac didn't realize it, but he had snapped her neck. After petting her for a little while longer, he realized what he'd done. He fled the farm, only to be found later by Jersey.

Jersey knew the farmhands were coming for Big Mac. He had brought a knife, and planned to end things peacefully before they caught and punished Macintosh. In the end, he couldn't bring himself to do it.

So they moved to Ponyville. Jersey met a nice mare and married, and they adopted Mac as their son. They worked the farm now known as Sweet Apple Acres. They had two daughters, AJ and Applebloom. When the parent's passed, Mac had matured enough to know he had to keep running the farm. Applejack and Applebloom don't know about his true past, believing them to be his big brother.

Applejack suspects something is up, however, because her dying Pa's last words were: "Don't leave Mac alone with fillies."
========================================================

"And that's why you shouldn't ask Mac out on a date, Dash," Bon Bon concluded.

"Dash?" Bon Bon looked around the room. Dash was gone, and a window was open in the kitchen. "Hmph, well don't expect me and Lyra to come to the funeral."

Lyra's head poked down from upstairs. "Can we get dessert now?

Dash flew low and fast over town. She'd had enough games and gossip to last a lifetime. She had snuck out of the house when she realized Bon Bon was reciting, word for word, a book Dash had been forced to read in high school.

"Surely somepony in this town has to be normal." Dash looked down to spot Trixie walking along a narrow street. "Well, any port in a storm."

Dash floated down to Trixie. "Hey Trix, nice hat.

"Why do you interrupt the Great and Powerful Trixie? Did you come to punish me for the oranges?" Trixie asked.

"Nah, I thought that was hilarious. I'm sure Twilight's fixed it by now anyway. I'd just avoid the apple family if I were you," Dash chuckled.

"Trixie has much to do and little time to do it in. Surely Twilight is onto us now. . . perhaps she shall move up her plans for Big Mac."

"Or perhaps you find a new coltfriend. There are plenty of stallions in the stable." Dash smiled at Trixie, noticing something for the first time. Trixie's hooves looked as worn and chipped like an Earth pony's hooves. Her coat, which was usually as clean as Rarity's, seemed to have some dirt in it.

Trixie seemed to notice Dash's gaze. "You are impressed by Trixie's new muscles? I learned more than how to farm rocks after I was run out of town. Now, The Great and Powerful Trixie has regained her self-confidence."

"That's nice," Dash stated dismissively. "What I was actually thinking, was that you could use a drink. I could use a chat with Vinyl. Why don't the two of us pretend to be friends and go get hammered at the bar?"

"Are. . . are you asking Trixie to hang out?" She tried hard to hide the obvious joy in her eyes, and to stifle a smile.

"Sure, anyone who pranks AJ is alright in my book. As long as you don't go turning somepony into an orange. I saw Twilight turn a frog into a flying orange once. I had nightmares for a week."

"Trixie shall join you to get a hammer."

"Haha, it's get hammered not get a hammer. I can already tell you're gonna be a fun drunk." Dash began flying again so she could tug on Trixie's cape and lead her towards the bar.

It was a short walk to the bar. As they approached, Dash decided to play tour guide. "You know, they named this bar after an infamously ugly Griffon, named Quark."

"Actually," Trixie corrected. "It was named after an infamously hideous ogre. I met him once out near the rock farm. Quite civil, as far as ogres go. Some of the townsfolk would drink his moonshine, then again some of the townsfolk were idiots who ended up in comas. Trixie bets the bartender here was one of the more lucky stallions to sample his wares."

Dash just walked inside quietly. She hadn't expected Trixie to be so knowledgeable about. . . well anything. In fact, Dash realized she'd never even bothered to try to get to know her. She just decided after the bragging and the evil amulet that she must be a wicked mare. "You know Trixie, there seems to be a lot more to ponies than meets the eyes, like you or Big Mac."

"Trixie wishes to discuss something other than Big Mac. Bartender, long island iced tea!" Trixie shot a miniature firework in the air to get his attention.

"Neat trick, I'd like to see you fire off some fireworks after you're drunk." Dash tossed two bits onto the bar. "I've got this round, try to enjoy yourself and stop planning revenge, ok?" Dash smiled warmly and left to find Vinyl.

Dash walked to the small backstage storage room. Vinyl could usually be found in here, along with a giant subwoofer, speakers, and a bottle of liquor the bartender would sacrifice as a retainer for the DJ's services.

"Hey Vinyl," Dash exclaimed. "Uh, Vinyl, why are you sleeping?" Realizing talking to a sleeping mare was unlikely to produce results, she poked her in the ribs.

"Ugh, fifteen more minutes Octy." Vinyl rolled over, curling up on the subwoofer and somehow not spilling a drop of the open, half-empty liquor bottle.

"No, Vinyl, it's me, Dash." Dash poked her in the side again.

"Come on I'm tired and hungover, Octy, go away."

"Wait. . . hungover? How can you be hung over after half a bottle of liquor? How can you be sleepy at 5 pm!"

"You tell me, Octy, after that trick with the cello and the hoofcuffs. . ." Vinyl mumbled and trailed off.

"Alright, I think I've heard enough." Dash turned around, finding the on switch to the stereo equipment. Cranking the bass to the highest levels, she hit the play button.

A loud boom shook the room, tossing Vinyl off the subwoofer. She immediately shot up. "Whoa, wait, the shows started?" Vinyl looked around and saw Dash grinning. "Oh hey, Dash, for a minute there I thought I'd overslept. So, you nail Big Mac yet?"

Dash choked, switching the music off and turning as red as Mac's fur. "Gah. . . what. . . uh. . ." she continued to mutter in embarrassment for a moment. "Vinyl, no! I mean, I almost asked him out, flew off, then I made the mistake of asking Lyra and Bon Bon for advice."

"Haha, relax, I was just messing with you," Vinyl quipped. "I'm sure you two will be wubbing by the end of the night."

"Ugh, why do I put up with you, Vinyl?" Dash saw the DJ levitating the equipment onstage. She lifted a few of the smaller speakers to help out.

"Because I'm the only mare in Equestria who can drink you under a table? I mean, really, who wouldn't want to hang out with the most awesome mare in Equestria. . . Vinyl Scratch."

"Please, I was doing sonic rainbooms before you knew what dubstep was."

"Heh. So, I'm gonna regret this, but what did Bon Bon and Lyra recommend?" Vinyl continued to set up her equipment.

"Well, Lyra is convinced he is a human trapped in Equestria as a pony. Bon Bon was going on about how he is a furry, or strokes furries? I don't know, I bailed halfway into her story. I just wish I knew how his parents really died, but I suppose if it's so personal Applejack wouldn't tell me I should let it go."

"Well, it's not really personal, I mean, they probably just grieve differently or something," she stated as a matter of fact.

"Wait, Vinyl, do you know how they died?"

"Yeah, most of the town does. We're just polite."

"You, polite?" Dash snickered. "Why didn't you tell me how they died when I came to you yesterday?"

"You didn't ask. You wanted to get drunk, and wanted me to tell you if I knew why Mac was so quiet. You know,” Vinyl slyly added. “Some of the best stallions I've been with were the quiet ones."

"So help me, if you don't cut to the chase I'm drinking the rest of your liquor." Dash held the bottle tightly in her hoof. Vinyl tried to snatch it back with her magic, and failed.

"Okay! Don't do anything rash. Just set the bottle down. . . Now, it was around the time Applebloom was born. . ."

========================================================

Macintosh Apple the second was Big Mac's father. His mother was Gala apple. Say, you ever wonder how it is our parents know at birth what to name us? I mean, Applejack's cutie mark could have been in dressmaking. How'd they know at birth she'd want to farm apples? And what if Big Mac was tiny?

"Luna's nipples. . . just stick to the story, Vinyl."

Alright then. After they gave birth to Mac, AJ, and Applebloom, they planned a trip to Canterlot on business. While they boarded the train, Gala had a frightening vision. She saw the train going off the rails on a bridge, killing everypony onboard.

Now Gala was a bit of the superstitious type, so she and Mac Sr. got off the train. A few other ponies got off too, before it left. While they were waiting for the next train, news came in about an accident.

A train had derailed, killing everypony onboard.

The train station was closing down for an investigation. They went home to their kids, thanking Celestia they had not been on the train. They thought nothing of it, at first. . .

It was a few days later that news reached them of a mysterious death in Canterlot. A stallion had been walking down the street, minding his own business. Witnesses claim a shingle fell off a roof, hitting a unicorn who was casting a spell. The unicorn misfired the spell, causing a section of a building to collapse. When the stallion ran over to help, one of the bricks from the explosion landed on his head, killing him.

Stranger things had happened in Equestria so they continued to live in peace. They heard rumors from time to time, of mares and stallions that escaped the train wreck dying in odd ways. I heard one was from auto-erotic asphyxiation, another fell down a well and was stuck for four days until it rained and drowned him.

Anyway, Gala was always the superstitious one. She told her husband her theory, that all the people on the train were dying, one by one, in the order they would have if the train had crashed. According to her, Mac. Sr was next, then her. They were the only two still alive.

Senior wouldn’t buy into that for a second, he didn’t change a thing. He was working out on the farm one day when a wind storm happened. He was heading back to the house to check on his family, when a windmill shattered.

The blades spun through the air, carried by the wind, from the south field, over the barn, landing right between his flank and shoulder.

Gala saw the bloodied prop outside the window, with the two halves of her husband beside it. She panicked, knowing she was next. She didn’t want to die in front of the kids. Gala fled out the back door, mumbling like an insane mare, and headed straight into the Everfree.

Legend has it she made it nearly eight miles into the Everfree. Manticores, Cockatrice, Timberwolves, and far worse creatures avoided her. They could smell the mark of death on her, and none dare interfere. They say that to this day you can hear her ghost moaning on the night of a full moon.
========================================================

Vinyl wrapped up the story. “So, you could say the Apple’s parents finally reached.” Vinyl put on her sunglasses. “Their final destination.”

Vinyl looked over to guage Dash’s reaction. “Hey! Stop drinking my Vodka!”

Dash held a hoof up as she finished off what little liquor had remained. Once she was done, she coughed a couple times. “I—warned you to cut to the chase. And you went and spun another fairy tale.”

“You were holding my booze hostage! I had to think fast, they probably died from something normal anyhow. What’s it matter? You like Mac, not his parents.”

“Hmm,” Dash hiccuped. “I guess you’re right.”

"You're telling me." Vinyl stared longingly at the empty bottle. She hit the strobe lights and began playing her first set of music. "I hate to tell you, Dash, but the bar is packed and the party is started. You should sober up, and go ask Big Mac out."

"I guess so Vinyl, thanks." Dash turned around to see Vinyl with her sunglasses on and a wide grin.

"And when I say ask Big Mac out," Vinyl elaborated. "I mean, ask him out right now" She pointed to the bar where Big Mac and Mr. Cake sat enjoying a drink.

The shock was too much for Dash, who locked her knees as her mind went blank. "No, maybe later," she uttered in reflex.

"No way, Dash. You've fallen hard for him, and I don't say this often, but I think you found something better than one night stands after an all-night party with me!"

Vinyl picked Dash up off the ground slightly with her levitation. The audience was dancing as the DJ multi-tasked. "Vinyl, put me down!" Dash's hooves were only an inch off the floor, but Vinyl had made her point. She'd hover her across the room if she had to. "Alright! I'll ask!"

Vinyl's telekinesis tightened up uncomfortably on Dash before vanishing. "Dash, run!" Vinyl shouted. The music drowned out her warning.

"What Vinyl?" Dash turned to face her. Next to Vinyl stood Pinkie Pie. Her mane was perfectly straight and smooth, as if it were made of plastic sheets. She had a look in her eyes Dash had seen once before, and it scared the buck out of her.

"You broke your Pinkie Promise!" she spat.

"Wha—" Dash's mind raced trying to remember who she had made a Pinkie Promise too.

"Just run!" Vinyl shouted again. Dash didn't need to be told again.

Leaping off the stage Dash flew towards the exit. Pinkie dove after her, grabbing her wing and causing her to spiral out of control. As the floor and ceiling spun around her, Dash collided with a large mass of muscle.

Quickly recovering, she looked down to see Big Mac flattened beneath her hooves. Before he could recover and open his eyes, Dash took off in the direction of the door, blasting it off its hinges.

A shrill laughter followed Dash as she sped through town towards her house. She rounded a corner as she remembered Pinkie was an Earth pony. All she had to do was fly straight up!

As she had this crucial epiphany, a wall of yellow appeared in front of her. It crushed her, coating every hair and feather in its sticky embrace. Dash fell to the ground and splattered the goop everywhere.

"Aha!" Pinkie stood in front of Dash. "You broke your Pinkie Promise to Scootaloo! Say you're sorry!"

"Pinkie! You're bucking crazy!" Dash tried wiping the goop out of her eyes, but more would fall down into them.

"Nopony breaks a Pinkie Promise! Nopony!" Dash could hear Pinkie dancing around her, shaking a can of some sort.

"Dash, that you?" Rainbow Dash did not dare to turn around. She instantly knew who that baritone voice belonged too.

With all the adrenaline pumping through her veins, she did the only thing she could think of. Dash flew. More accurately, she flew about four feet before the gelatinous mass of sticky filth dragged her back to the ground. Rolling across the dirt, she sprung to her feet and ran blindly. Wiping her eyes off as she ran, she ducked behind the first house in sight and headed for Fluttershy's cottage.

"Now, Angel bunny," Fluttershy scolded. " I don't have any cherries, and even if I did, you're not having ice cream this late at night."

Angel whined, waving his arms around and stomping his foot.

"Angel, you need your vegetables to stay healthy." Fluttershy smiled and kneeled down to his level. "You know how much I love you, Angel. I can't go around giving you special treatment all the time. I can let you come with me to Pinkie's next party, how about that?"

Angel stood there thinking for a moment. He crossed his arms and began to walk away.

"Oh thank you, ange—" Fluttershy was interrupted by a knocking at her door. She gently flew over to the door and opened it. "Gah!" Fluttershy's wings snapped shut. She landed with a thud on her hooves, and dove for cover.

"R-run A-a-ngel, it's a g-giant y-y-yellow s-swamp m-m-m-onster!" Fluttershy trembled in the corner, as the white rabbit made several squeaking noises.

"No Fluttershy, it's just," Dash coughed, spitting out some of the sugary mixture. "It's me, Dash."

Fluttershy opened an eye to peak at the figure dripping all over her flooring. Angel continued to make animated gestures and speak in a way only she could understand. "B-but, Dash is b-b-lue. . ."

"Look, apparently I broke a Pinkie Promise and Pinkie went psycho and shot me with this cupcake mix or whatever. I need a shower. A long, cold shower, and all the alcohol you might have laying around the cottage." Dash began wiping her forelegs over her face furiously, uncovering enough bits of blue fur and rainbow mane to convince Fluttershy.

"Oh dear! You poor thing!" Fluttershy quickly went over to hug Dash, causing a loud slurping sound as she wrapped her hooves around her. "Let's get you cleaned up, you're getting this cupcake mix everywhere."

"Uh, thanks. Why don't you lock all the doors and windows while I find your shower." Dash trod off towards the restroom. Angel led all the furry critters in the house to eat all the cupcake mix dripping off Dash. She had to bat away a few of the overzealous birds who tried to eat it right out of her tail.

It didn't take long for Dash to clean up. She looked around the devastated bathroom. Now that she was clean, the entire bathroom and half the shower were coated in quickly-drying batter.

Dash headed downstairs to find her friend. "Hey Flutter, you got a hole I could curl up in and di—" Dash stopped as she saw Applejack talking to Fluttershy. She stood there still as a statue wondering how AJ knew already.

"Oh howdy Dash, ah was just tellin' Fluttershy ah ain't seen Mac all day. He said he saw you out in the orange fields before Twilight fix'd em right up." Applejack smiled once she had finished speaking.

"I was just telling her about your run in with Pinkie, oh it was so horrible Applejack. I don't know what I'd do if I ever broke a Pinkie Promise," Fluttershy added.

"Yeah, I forgot to teach Scootaloo to fly. And, AJ, I ran into Big Mac at the bar. . . literally. He's with Mr. Cake, I'm sure he'll be back soon."

"That's good ta know. He seemed a mite worried 'bout ya after you flew off, so ah thought you two mighta gotten in some trouble. Figured one of the gals would know what was going on." Applejack turned to address Fluttershy. "Well, sorry for troublin' ya, looks like ah got worried over nothing. See ya'll tomorrow."

Fluttershy closed the door behind Applejack.

"Mac was worried about me?" she said to nopony in particular. It hadn’t occurred to her he might have feelings due to the fact that he was a quiet giant. Dash wondered what it would be like to have a real conversation with him.

"Oh that sure was nice of him," Fluttershy stated dismissively. "The Apple family is always nice."

"No, Fluttershy." Dash walked over to her and lowered her voice. "I've got feelings for Big Mac," she whispered. "I've wanted to ask him out for a while, and now I'm in heat—"

"Eeep!" Fluttershy jumped back. "Oh, well um. . . that's great! Did you ask him out?"

"Not exactly. Why don't you find me something I can get drunk stupid off of. Then I'll tell you all about my last two days."

Author's Note

My burnout is as thick as the sexual tension in the last two chapters. I did promise to put out both these updates today. I'm about 70% certain I didn't let any stupid errors slip through, and 40% certain I still have a clue what I'm doing.

I hope you enjoyed. More chapters, some of them parallel, soon™.

5a. Braeburn's Boasting

"Dang'namit Mac! Ya'll don't get outta the bathroom ah'm buckin the door down!" Applejack fumed.

"Nope."

Applejack threw a shoulder into the door to make her point. "Last warnin'."

"Alright." Mac unlocked the door to their shared bathroom.

" 'Bout time. What were ya doin' in there anyway?" Applejack pushed her way in and began to brush her teeth.

"Just takin' a cold shower," Mac replied.

Applejack began to talk through her toothpaste-filled mouth. "Wha—ya go—in do that fer? Just—gettin' dirt—y workin'—today."

"Well ya see," Mac mused aloud. He could lie, or he could tell her the truth. As an added benefit, her reaction to the truth was likely to be priceless. "Ah had a dream, about Dash, and needed a cold shower."

If Mac thought Applejack had been surprised at the return of Nightmare Moon, then this must rate up there with her surprise had the sun exploded instead.

Applejack turned, spraying her toothpaste all over his face. "Ya what! What in tarnation!" She coughed to clear a little of the toothpaste that she had inadvertently inhaled.

Mac did his best not to laugh. "Ah'm sayin' I like Dash, and last night in my dream we had se—"

"NO!" Applejack shouted. "Ah don't wanna hear another word. Ya'll can like Dash, but ya try tellin' me what you two did in your—Just no! No! No! No!"

"What's all the ruckus' sis?" Applebloom inquired.

"Nothing!" both older ponies replied.

"Pfft, fine." Applebloom turned and went downstairs. "Grown-ups and their secrets."

"Eeyup," Mac stated.

"Ah'm gonna try ta get that mental image outta my head. Ya'll want to—if ya want to ask her out, ah bet she went to Fluttershy's. If what ya say 'bout Pinkie attackin' her is true, that's probably where she'd go for help." Applejack tossed the toothbrush back into its cup. "And keep me outta it."

"Thanks sis, I knew ya'd come around." Big Mac took a couple steps back, a mischievous glint in his eye. "Ya'll better take a cold shower too, on account of you 'n Rarity's spa date this afternoon."

Applejack threw a bar of soap at Mac and slammed the door. He took a moment to wipe the toothpaste out of his facial fur. As he turned around, he ran right into Applebloom.

"Ya know she's gonna get even, big brother, she always does," Applebloom stated.

"Yeah, but ah can't resist. Ya'll would understand if ya had a younger sister to annoy," Mac told her.

"Ah reckon ah'll have ta take your word for it. Now how does the song go," Applebloom pondered. "Dash and Mac'y sittin' in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes foals in a baby carriage!"

"So ya'll are takin' AJ's side. Remember that next time ya come askin' me if ya can go crusadin'," Mac quipped. He rubbed her mane to mess it up a bit before heading out of the house.

"Ya'll are outnumbered three ta one Big Mac!"

It was a sunny day in Ponyville, or it would be if it was sunny, and Mac was in Ponyville. He walked along the road that ran around the outskirts of the town. Scattered clouds blocked out most of the sunlight. Had he not known better, he would think the town's lead weather mare was sleeping on the job. Taking a moment to reconsider, he decided taking a nap is exactly what Dash would do.

Yesterday he had explained to Applejack that Pinkie had broken a Pinkie Promise, then he had gone to bed. He had the entire night to ponder the day's events; leading to the climactic moment that Pinkie let slip that Dash liked him too. That led to happy thoughts, then dreams. On the bright side, it sure would make things simpler if the feelings were mutual. Now his plan rested on the assumption that he could find Dash and speak more than three words.

Unfortunately for him, the cottage was coming up quickly. This would have to be his moment of truth, the moment when he confessed his undying love. . . or perhaps just say hello and go back home. Nope, he thought to himself. I've got to get this over with. I'll just. . . wait, what am I supposed to ask her? Lunch?

Mac walked up to the door. *knock knock knock* "Fluttershy." *knock knock knock* "Fluttershy." *knock knock knock* "Fluttershy."

"I'll be right there," a voice replied. The conversation headed in a much more familiar direction for both ponies once Fluttershy opened the door.

". . ." Mac said.

". . ." Fluttershy replied.

". . ."

"um. . . if that's ok with you."

"Eeyup."

Mac walked inside and took a seat, allowing Fluttershy to close the door behind him. Angel rounded up as many critters as he could find to watch the hilarity that was sure to ensue. A ring of critters gathered around and began placing vegetables into two piles. One pile represented the bet that Fluttershy would crack first, the other Big Mac.

". . ."

"Dash?"

"Nope."

". . ."

"Tea?"

"Eeyup."

Fluttershy returned a few minutes later and served him tea. The two sat in silence, sipping their beverage. More animals continued to come in, careful not to break the silence, and add everything from fruit to nuts, even a few shiny objects, into the piles.

". . ."

"About half an hour ago."

"Work?

"Um . . . yes."

". . ."

"Tell her ah stopped by."

"Um . . . ok."

". . ."

Mac took one last gulp to finish his tea, and stood up to leave.

"She likes you too," Fluttershy replied.

Mac spit out all of the warm green tea into Fluttershy's mane.

"Eep!" Fluttershy squeaked. She wiped as much liquid off as she could.

Angel began divvying out the piles, declaring Mac the loser for his spit-take.

"Sorry Fluttershy," Mac whispered.

". . ."

Angel hopped up to Fluttershy and kicked her shoulder.

"Oh, it's okay really. More tea?" Fluttershy offered.

"Nope. Where'd she go?" Mac inquired.

"The farm."

"Thanks."

"Anytime."

". . ."

"Hey guys! Anyone seen Dash? I'm super-duper worried, I can't find her anywhere and Braeburn says the best thing to do is apologize and tell her how super sorry I am and maybe even throw her an 'I'm really really sorry party.' I've been all over town except for here and I can't find her anywhere? Is she ok? Did she run away because I'm a bad pony? Why is everpony so quiet?"

"Pinkie. . . what are you talking about?" Fluttershy took a sip

"Oh Fluttershy, it's horrible, I broke a Pinkie Promise to Dash!"

Fluttershy promptly spit all of the tea in her mouth onto Pinkie.

"That's exactly what Braeburn said! It's horrible; I just have to find her before she decides not to be my friend anymore!" Pinkie turned and jumped through a window, sprinting off to find Dash.

". . ."

Mac sighed.

". . ."

Fluttershy got up and opened the door, kindly walking Mac to the gate outside her house.

"Mac," Fluttershy whispered, dropping her voice even lower when he turned to look at her. "Any mare would be lucky to have you," she added, blushing furiously until her yellow face was bright orange.

Mac felt a little more chivalrous than usual, lifting one of Fluttershy's hooves and kissing it. He turned and left, just missing her faint and land on Angel, pinning him. The mischievous rabbit tried to tap out, but it proved fruitless.

Big Mac continued down the road towards the farm. Now that he had been honest with Applejack, he just hoped she was in a better mood when Dash got their looking for him. He began to gallop down the road as thoughts of what must be happening at the farm entered his head.

"Ya'll stay away from my brother, charlatan!" Applejack screamed, shoving Dash's face back into the mud.

Dash kicked off the ground, forcing Applejack to land in the mud, losing her grip. Dash wrapped her forehooves around Applejack, but she was so slippery she slid out. "Never, he's mine you two-bit apple farmer!"

Wiping the mud and sweat from her brow, AJ lunged forward again. Mud flew up everywhere, coating the mares in a sheen of the shiny, wet substance. "He can do better than a has-been stunt flier!"

Dash lifted AJ into the air, flying up twenty feet and pile driving her into a deep mud pit. The two surfaced gasping for air, drenched. "You're just jealous no stallion in town would bed a stubborn mule like you!" Dash flew up into the air for another attack.

"Why of all the. . . Nopony calls me a mule!" Applejack pulled a rope out of her hat, quickly aiming and lassoing Dash in mid-air. She gave vicious tug, causing Dash to plummet down into the mud. It splashed up everwhere, as AJ grabbed her by the mane.

Dash grabbed AJ's mane in kind, and the two began ripping each other's hair out. They rolled around in the mud, splashing everywhere, coating themselves.

Images of Dash and Applejack rolling around in the mud, yanking on each other's manes, and beating the tar out of each other continued to enter his head. Dash's taught muscles, glistening in the mud, would stand out as her wings spread. Her curvy flank, perfect shoulders and haunches would be highlighted in the glistening sun.

Mac tried to derail the train of thought that was uncomfortably arousing him. This was his sister he was thinking about. Well, his sister and the mare of his dreams, rolling around in the glistening wet mud, fighting over the affections of him. . .

Alright, he thought. This is getting' creepy. I need to change the subject. . . Twilight Sparkle. Macintosh found himself suddenly quite unaroused by the image of that one pony. Mission accomplished.

Mac arrived at the farm, expecting to see a broken windmill, collapsed barn, or perhaps a bloody skid mark in the ground where Applejack had killed Dash. Instead, he saw Applejack smiling and trotting towards him. Oh no, this is her revenge! She's getting even, RUN! RUN Fool of an Apple!

"Ya'll just missed her, lover boy. And if ya think ya had fun pushin' my buttons the last couple o' days, you ain't seen nothin' yet MacinDash." Applejack began laughing deeply.

"Howdy, Mac. I was just talkin' to Applejack about ya. Why don't we head into town and talk?" Braeburn asked.

"Eeyup." Mac walked alongside Braeburn until they were out of earshot of Applejack. "Thank Celestia, Braeburn, Ah've never been so glad ta see ya in my life."

Braeburn chuckled merrily. "Well, glad to know I'm still loved round these parts. I doubt AJ'll be that forgivin' though. Lucky for you, I think I'll be movin' to Ponyville and havin' Pinkie move in with me."

"Congratulations, cousin. Ya do realize Pinkie's a tad crazy?"

"That's what makes it fun, every day is an adventure, just like Aaaaaapalloooosa."

Mac shook his head slowly side to side. "One little dance in fishnet stockin's and she's got ya wrapped around her hoof."

"I was more impressed by what was under the stockings."

" . . ."

"That's what I said," Braeburn quipped. He poked Mac in the ribs. "Play your cards right and it'll be you and Dash in no time, partner. What do ya want to know?"

"Ah want to know where my cousin is and what ya've done to him."

Braeburn had to laugh for a minute before regaining his composure. "Mares change you, Big Mac, and it's usually for the better. Every Sheriff needs a Deputy and every stallion a mare."

"Ah'll reserve judgement 'til ah've seen it myself. So tell me, how do ah ask Dash out? What do ya think she would like?"

"Good choice, cuz. Now, when takin' into account how to ask a gentle lady out, you have to keep in mind their personality. First thing you should know about Dash, is her dominant nature. . ."

=====================================================================

Was a time, Mac, before I moved to Appleloosa and Dash moved to Ponyville, that we worked together in Canterlot. You see, back then Dollhouses weren't illegal yet. A pony like Dash could perform various 'escort' services for young stallions and make a fair bit of money. Dash was the best active we had, her code name was 'Echo.' I'd hate to confuse you though, so I'll just call her Dash.

Now, Dash has a very dominant personality. Back then, stallions would come from far and wide to get various urges satisfied. Breathplay, bondage, infantilism… in fact Fluttershy's nickname used to be 'Pattycakes.' You'll never find a mare more into infantilism then her, and Dash taught it all to her.

Well, where was I? Come on, pick your jaw up off the road, Mac. So, Dash would meet rich clientele, mostly nobles from rich Canterlot families. I was a groundskeeper at the time, hadn't had a chance to do any proper farming in a while.

Now one day I got a mighty unusual request. Turns out, there was a client into something a little heavier, more violent, than one mare could handle. I got offered two weeks' pay to stand by and make sure the client didn't hurt Dash while she 'punished' him for his wickedness. I'll never forget the way she had Bluebloo—I mean, her client, begging her for release.

It started the usual way, leather, restraints, whips, provocative clothing. I had to help hold the 'client' down, and make sure he didn't use his magic for anything nefarious. Suffice it to say I was twice as scared and thrice as aroused as the noble prince.

Dash strolled in wearing black latex socks, fishnets up to her flank, and a catsuit missing fabric at all the right places. . . Once the 'client' was fully restrained, she began whipping him. Forced him to call her mistress, had him admitting to being a filthy commoner inside of five minutes. Had him begging her to take all his money and make him her slave.

I've never seen a stallion broke so fast, or pushed to such heights. I can still here his screams of joy as the cat 'o nine tails whipped him.

If you want to date a mare like Dash, you'll have to be direct with her. Walk right up to her, and ask her out. She'll show you the time of your life, cuz.

=====================================================================

Mac continued walking forward and drooling for a while before realizing Braeburn had stopped talking. "Huh?"

Braeburn chuckled. "Eeyup. I could go on, but the details get a bit raunchy and a stallion never kisses and tells. I guess in this case, a stallion never watches a mare dominate a stallion as he cranks the lever to the rack, and tells."

Mac continued to walk forward blushing, aroused, and completely speechless.

Braeburn just hoped that Pinkie Pie was right about this. As penance for breaking the Pinkie Promise, they had decided to help get the two lovebirds together on a date. Being a man himself, Braeburn had decided the best way to get Mac to ask her out was through his loins.

Braeburn loved it when a plan started coming together.

Author's Note

"We crank the sexual tension up to 11 and it scrubs your brains on a microscopic level!" - Vinyl 'DJ Pon3' Scratch, Playmare Episode 36.

I didn't send this to an editor so I could rush & give you all a special π day chapter! (literally, posted at 11:58pm) Enjoy!
I love each and every one of you.

(p.s. they say write what you know... Also, I spent every ounce of self-control on Braeburn's story, so fear anything I release tomorrow.)
(p.p.s. I blame this story for this chapter. You think you know creepy? Pattycakes)

5b. Spike's Spiel

Dash had spent the night at Fluttershy's after receiving her punishment from Pinkie. She had forgotten that she made a Pinkie Promise to teach Scootaloo to fly. The resulting punishment consisted of high velocity cake batter, and her face. It was not as awesome as it sounds.

Rolling over in bed, Dash recalled snippets of a dream she had last night. In the dream, Fluttershy was her mother and Dash was still a foal. She supposed there were worse dreams to have. One nightmare had been about Scootaloo grinding her up into a rainbow. Dash decided she really needed to stop eating before bed, as it gave her the strangest dreams.

Dash got out of bed and started to walk towards the living room. Passing by Fluttershy's room, she could swear she heard somepony inside talking. Curiosity got the better of her, and she leaned in to listen more closely. She heard some moaning and Fluttershy saying 'Luna' over and over.

Pushing the door open, she peeked in expecting to see the princess of the night. Only Fluttershy was in the room, and the creaking of the door had been just enough to wake her up.

"Dash?" Fluttershy mumbled. She rubbed her eyes and set up. "Oh, is it morning already?"

"Yeah, I was just. . ." Dash muttered before settling on a story. "I was looking for breakfast but couldn't find any."

"Oh, well I can make you something if you'd like."

"That's fine, I'll just take some Hay Tarts. I want to get over to the farm before Big Mac starts working."

"That's wonderful! Oh I wish I could come watch, are you going to ask him to a romantic picnic? Or maybe a gondola ride down the rivers of Venetia?"

"What? No way. That's way too lame. I just thought he might want to watch me practice some stunts or something. . . " Dash backed up slowly, failing to hide her blush. "I mean, I can't avoid this forever, time to just ask him and get it over with."

"Well, it's still wonderful. Good luck Dashie! And there are hay, chocolate, and cherry flavored Hay Tarts downstairs."

"Cherry flavored?" Dash chuckled. "Nopony eats cherry flavored Hay Tarts. You need to get with the times and start buying the strawberry ones."

Dash flew downstairs and ate a few packs of the chocolate pastries. She left the empty box of Hay Tarts in the pantry and went to get some milk. Finishing off the rest of the glass bottle of milk in the fridge, she set the now empty container back on the top shelf.

It was still early morning outside and dew covered the plants. The animals were all asleep, lending the cottage a tranquility Dash was unfamiliar with. The crisp, clean air reinvigorated the pegasus, filling her lungs with oxygen. She felt reborn as she spread her wings for an early morning flight.

There was nothing like the hour preceding sunrise. Dash would be the only pegasus in the skies while the entire town slept. She would be able to knock out the weather duties and take a nap before Celestia could raise the sun. Dash had kept her morning routine a secret. Waking up early was what enabled her to slack off for the rest of the day.

She started flying in the direction of the apple farm, reaching it quickly. Applejack and Applebloom were already outside beginning their chores. Big Mac was nowhere in sight. Dash flew down to ask AJ where he had gone.

"Hey AJ! You seen big mac?" Dash inquired.

"Well looky here, Applebloom, if it ain't the loverfilly herself. Ya come to whisk Mac off and declare your undyin' love?" Applejack mocked.

Dash's wings collapsed as she fell six feet to the ground in shock. Her face was bright red, and her jaw was wide open revealing all thirty-six teeth. The wide eyed expression of shock did not dissipate as Applebloom and AJ laughed at her expense.

"How—How could you know?" Dash continued to stand there, mortified, until Applejack decided she had tormented her long enough.

"Ah shoot, settle down Dash. Ya should see the look on yer face, it's priceless!"

"I uh. . . I need to go check on the weather," Dash lied.

"Wait! Big Mac told me he liked you, he went off to find ya at Fluttershy's."

Dash spun around before she had taken off. "Mac said he likes me?" While her shocked expression had vanished, she continued to blush. Though she had decided not to fly off, her wings still stood erect.

"Sure did, Applebloom, ya get back to yer chores." Applejack walked over to Dash. "Ya know you coulda just told me ya'll were interested in my brother."

"Yeah. . . Somehow I didn't think that would go over well, on account of you always trying to prove you're a better athlete than me," Dash chided.

"What? Ya'll are insufferable. Here ah am doin' my darndest to be nice. . ."

"Sorry, force of habit. So you don't mind if I ask Mac to be my special somepony for Hearts and Hooves day?"

"Nah, ah don't mind. He's a grown stallion. However," Applejack demanded. "You do anything ta hurt him, and ah'll repay it ten-fold on you."

Dash gulped and smiled nervously. "But—I wouldn't want—"

"Ya'll are too easy," Applejack laughed. "Just wanted ta make sure this wasn't some one night stand, seein' as you're in heat and all. Ah can understand the desire to clop, but ya better make sure ya'll have real feelin's for him before you ask him out. There are plenty of places to hide a body on the farm."

"Thanks. . . I think."

"Eeyup."

"Alright, AJ, I'll see you later." Dash turned and flew back towards Fluttershy's cottage.

It didn't take her long to retrace her steps, however Fluttershy informed her that she had just missed Big Mac. She told Dash that he had headed back to the farm to find her. By the time she had flown all the way back to the farm, he was nowhere in sight.

Tired from her wild goose chase, she decided to rest on a cloud for a little while. A storm cloud had drifted over Ponyville from the Everfree. She landed on the cloud eliciting a small clap of thunder, before resting on her belly.

"This is just great, barely eight in the morning and already going crazy. How hard can it be to find a huge, red stallion in a tiny, yellowish town?" Dash glanced down into the cloud, as if expecting a response. Eventually a low rumble of some of the thunder trapped in the cloud responded.

"Well, I give up. He's running around looking for me, so I'll just wait until he goes back to the farm. . . That's it!" Dash stood up on the storm cloud. "You're a genius, storm cloud! I'll start a huge thunderstorm, he'll have to go back home to the farm!"

The cloud rumbled in approval. Being the leader of the Ponyville weather team afforded her the right to adjust weather patterns as she saw fit. Her boss would occasionally 'strongly suggest' that she stop manipulating the weather for personal gain. As a team leader Dash could manage the weather however she saw fit, despite such recommendations.

It didn't take long to round up some more clouds. Dash began piling the clouds onto the storm cloud, and watched with satisfaction. The grey storm cloud oozed into the other clouds, until soon dozens of storm clouds filled the air. Several Pegasi from the weather team showed up to see what was going on.

"Dash?" Cloud Kicker inquired. "What's with the storm clouds?"

"Change in plans, we need a good thunderstorm to water the plants and knock over dead trees. Take the rest of the team and cover the town; I've got this area under control."

Some members of the weather team mumbled, but they went off to do their duty. Dash sat perched over the edge of the cloud. From her vantage point over the library, she could see everything over the north side of town. The nearby bridge led to the only road to the farm, and if Mac was anywhere in Ponyville when the storm hit he would have to cross it.

Dash bucked the cloud releasing the built up electricity. A bolt flew down into the Library's lightning rod. The loud rolling thunder signaled everypony to get inside before the rain started. Closing her eyes, she used her magical connection to the weather to sense the clouds. A torrent of rain began pouring from the clouds, slowly spreading as more clouds were pushed over the village.

It brought her some joy to see all the wet unhappy ponies scrambling home. She kicked the clouds a few more times, eliciting gasps from the younger ponies. Now that the weather matched her gloomy mood, everything seemed right in Ponyville.

A tingling sensation began to travel over Dash's fur. She quickly kicked the cloud to disperse the building lightning, but nothing happened. Standing up, she looked around in confusion. The tingling was building, and her hairs were standing on end.

Dash jumped up and down on the cloud a few times and had no effect. As the tingling spread over her entire body, she heard a loud popping sound. A flash of light blinded her.

She opened one eye, relieved to see she had not been struck by lightning. She now stood in the center of the Ponyville library, staring a displeased Twilight in the face.

"Oh hey, Twilight, nifty trick!" Dash put on a small, narrow grin.

"Rainbow Dash! It's not scheduled to rain today, this will completely upset the soil balance. Applejack just managed to get the acidity right for her crops, and we can't afford to have any more of the nitrogen in the soil washed away. What on Equestria were you thinking?" Twilight scolded.

"Uh. . . I was thinking I'm the head weather pony and that I was in charge of the weather."

"Don't you realize what this means? I'm going to have to re-organize my calendar for today. I'll have to move my stroll in the park with Pinkie to next Thursday. I'll have to do my thesis on Quantum Physics in Magical Theory today. I can't go out to shop for groceries, so I'll have to eat hay fries and yogurt until the rain stops. . ." Twilight began to levitate many lists and schedules around her in the air.

"Psst, Dash," Spike whispered. He waved her over into the kitchen.

"Hey Spike. I see its business as usual around the library?" Dash laughed.

"Yeah. Good work, it'll take her all day to re-schedule the rest of the month. I was just thinking that I could really use a day off."

"Well, at least one pony appreciates my hard work—wait! I'm supposed to be keeping an eye out for Big Mac. He could already be back at the farm by now!"

"You're looking for him too? He was here just the other day trying to get his oranges turned back into apples."

Dash laughed at the memory of the prank Trixie had played on him. "Yeah, that sure was a good one. So, did he ask about me?"

"Uh no, why would he ask about you?" Spike asked, as Dash's implication flew right over his head.

"Oh. . . no reason." Dash frowned a little before remembering this was Spike, and he had probably just been too busy to notice. "Hey, you and Mac are friends, right?"

"Yeah, we play Dungeons and Wyverns together, even took the test for Mensa together. I still can't believe he passed."

"Yeah, ok, egghead stuff. What's he like, is he nice?"

"Uh, yes? You already know that, though."

Dash sighed. "Spike you just don't get it, do you?"

"What, is he mean to you?"

"No, I like him, I'm asking you about him to kill some time. Tell me what does he like to read, does he play sports, has he ever checked out any risqué romance novels?" Dash lifted an eyebrow and stared at Spike.

"Oh! That kind of nice. Well, I suppose it's only fair I tell you about him. After all, the storm is getting worse I doubt you'd want to fly in it."

Dash looked out the window and confirmed the storm had spiraled slightly out of control. She chided herself mentally; this was exactly why the weather team had a rule against using weather systems from the Everfree over Ponyville. To be fair, it wasn't going to cause any property damage, it'd probably just cause some flash floods and an angry letter from the Mayor.

"Now, where is it. . ." Spike fished around a bookshelf before pulling a book out. "This is Mac's diary from his days as a hunter." He began to read from the book, suspiciously keeping the title just out of Dash's view.

===========================================================

January 14th.

I tracked a Wendigo into a quaint town called Ponyville. I believe one of the ponies in Canterlot resorted to cannibalism, turning into the foul creature. It is a wretched beast, the Wendigo. It grows more powerful the more pony flesh it consumes. By the time I caught up with it, the Wendigo possessed the power to shapeshift.

Now that I had it cornered in a smaller town, I just needed to get close enough to detect it. I had an enchanted birchwood spike from a shaman I work closely with. Driving it into the Wendigo's heart would kill it. The hard part would be detecting and weakening it.

I have researched the issue, and my best bet will be silver. If I touch it with silver it should recoil. Something about the metal disrupts their shape-shifting. Going around the town poking random ponies is unlikely to work well. I came up with a backup plan, and waited for it to feed at night.

There were two likely targets outside of town: an apple farm, and a lone cottage with one resident. I knew which one the Wendigo would strike to satiate its hunger.

It was nearly three in the morning when I saw the lavender unicorn approach the cottage. The sole occupant of the cottage had doubtless gone to sleep. The unicorn walked up and opened the unlocked door. I still can't believe ponies are this trusting. I suppose I am to blame, for I am the one that makes them feel so safe by hunting these monsters down.

I followed it into the house, noticing the many bird houses, food bowls, and hovels. Oddly, there was not a single animal present inside or out. This had to be the Wendigo if they had all fled. I heard hoofsteps on the floor upstairs. I began to climb the staircase when it attacked.

It came out of nowhere, catching me with a hoof square in the jaw. We tumbled down the stairs as he went for my throat. I grabbed him with my left hoof, which had a silver horseshoe nailed onto it. He recoiled, screaming in pain as he reverted to his normal form. I stabbed at him with the birchwood stake, but he batted it to the other side of the room.

I came to my hooves and pulled my trusty machete out, and got my first good look at a Wendigo. His desiccated skin was pulled tight over his bones; there was no hint of muscle or fat. Each bone threatened to burst through his gaunt frame. His fur had fallen out in clumps, revealing ashen skin under his patchy grey fur. His tattered mane and tail were barely more than a hoof long in length. His eyes. . . They were the only animate part of him. They were a bright, crimson red. They faced forward, the narrow pupils focused on me. The smell of his rotting flesh hit me as it licked its bloodied lips.

It came at me again, nearly losing its foreleg as I slashed out with my machete. It was unnaturally fast, turning and bearing down on my flank before I could retaliate. I rolled to the side to avoid his jaws, letting him land on me as I swung the machete back around. I buried it deep into his abdomen, causing a most foul screech of agony.

I kicked it off as it raked a claw into my side, adding another scar to the collection adorning my flank. I saw that our tumble had brought me closer to the birchwood stake, the weapon enchanted with one purpose in mind. That stake was my only shot at ending this menace.

I ran over and took the stake in my mouth. I could feel the Wendigo sailing through the air behind me, my heightened reflexes allowing me to dodge out of the way. I slammed my hoof with the silver horseshoe against him, pinning him to the wall. The silver did not weaken him, or cause much pain, but it gave me just enough of a distraction.

I drove the spike of wood directly into his heart with my mouth. This time, his scream of agony was hollow, like wind passing through a tunnel. I raised my other hoof and slammed the stake deep into his heart. He grinned wickedly at me as he turned to ash and vanished.

At the time, I didn't know why he had grinned, until I tasted it. Some of the blood from driving the stake into his heart had reached my lips. I know that Wendigo's are created by those who resort to cannibalism. Is it possible the Wendigo's curse had been passed on to me through the blood?

I pushed the thought from my mind. I had slain demons, vampires, werewolves, chimeras, medusas, and even a dragon. I would not go down so easily. Wiping the blood from my muzzle, I turned to see the home's sole occupant.

I don't know how long the pink and yellow mare had been standing there. I could tell by the look on her face she had seen me dispatch the Wendigo. I suddenly became aware of warmth spilling down my leg. I looked back at the gash he had given me. It had cut to the bone, and now that my mind was no longer distracted by the life or death fight, I was plunged into a sea of agony.

That gentle mare patched me up that night, and gave me a place to stay. I would normally never let my guard down, even around a normal pony. There was something about that one, though. Her kindness disarmed me. That was when I decided to find a job in Ponyville and make it my new residence. I had fought long and hard, but hunters don't get to retire. Instead, I will spend my time in this town protecting it from the unspoken evils that taint Luna's night.

=======================================================

"And that's all you need to know. He likes killing monsters, stakes, leather straps, chains, whips, knives, restraints. . . hmm you know, all that hunter stuff," Spike added.

"Yeah, Spike, that's not really hunter stuff. . . tell me, have you finished that book?" Dash inquired.

"What, it's not a book, it's a journal!"

"Give me that," Dash blurted. She grabbed the book quickly from his hands.

"Hey!" Spike objected.

Dash read the title aloud. "The Chains of Love That Bind Us." Dash flipped towards the back of the book and read another quote. ". . .As the mare brought the whip down over and over, I soared to new heights of ecstasy. . ."

"Spike, this isn't a book for children. In fact, I doubt this is a book for anypony." Dash tossed the book into a nearby waste bin.

"Dash! You can't throw books away," Twilight barked. She walked over and pulled it up out of the trashcan. "What? I've been looking for my romance novel everywhere! Where did you find it?"

Spike looked at Dash with wide eyes, pleading with her. "It was on the floor, over there." Dash pointed towards a dusty spot below a bookshelf. "Spike and I just saw it laying there."

"Oh thank you, I'm just going to go put this back in my collection.

Spike waited for Twilight to leave. "Thanks, Dash, I owe you one."

"Really? Then how about you tell me something truthful about Mac."

"Hmm, well he loves the Age of Dragons graphic novels. I suppose you could always give him one as a gift, I bet Twilight could even get it autographed for you." Spike smiled.

"Wow Spike," Dash answered. "That's got to be the first sane thing I've heard in days, thanks.”

The sound of a window being flung open was followed shortly by hooves landing on the wooden floor. An unmistakable jumping sound and the smell of cupcakes filled the library. Dash was about to walk around the corner and say hi, when she heard Pinkie begin to talk to Twilight.

"Oh, hey Twilight! Have you seen Rainbow Dash? I've been looking everywhere and it's just so stormy outside! I figured she must be here with you! Oh tea? For me! Thanks." Pinkie grabbed the cup of tea Twilight had planned for Dash. "Anyway, I feel horrible that I broke my Pinkie Promise with Dash." Pinkie finished off the tea just as Dash rounded the corner.

"You what!" Dash screamed. Pinkie promptly spit her tea out into Twilight's face.

"Wait, Dash," Pinkie begged. "It's not what you think! I—he—it—"

"You shoot a cannon full of cake batter in my face in front of Big Mac for breaking a Pinkie Promise, when you're breaking them too!" Dash advanced on the pink mare.

"No, but—I came to make it right!"

"How will you make it right? I finally get the nerve to ask him out and you assault me!"

"That's why I'm here! Braeburn is talking to Mac and my job is to talk to you and we're going to help you have the best Hearts and Hooves day with Big Mac ever! I'm super-duper sorry, I even brought you extra special cupcakes that are totally not laced with sedatives in case you didn't calm down!"

Dash paused for a few moments as her brain caught up with Pinkie's rapid fire dialogue. "So you're helping us get together? Perhaps I jumped the gun on the whole depressing storm thing. . ."

"Wait, Dash, you like Big Mac?" Twilight queried. She had wiped the tea off her face and had begun to drink her own tea.

"Yeah, I have for a while. It was only recently when I went into heat and started having raunchy dreams of me and Big Mac making lo—" Twilight spit her tea out into Dash's face.

After her choking subsided, Twilight spoke. "Wait, you're on your estrus? We're all best friends, I thought for sure our menses would have lined up by now. I need to go check my calendar, our cycles are off. Oh I'm going to have to reschedule all over again. . ."

Twilight ran out of the room leaving the others to stand around in amazement.

"You know Spike, they should really take her to see a specialist," Dash stated with a deadpan expression.

"We did, Celestia had her tested and she's not insane." Spike walked over to try one of Pinkie's 'I'm sorry' cupcakes.

"Well, the storms clearing up so I suppose I can head over to the farm now and ask Big Mac out. Do me a favor Pinkie?"

"Anything for my best friend Dashie!" Pinkie chirped.

"Stop trying to hook us up. I get the feeling you're going to pop out of a potted plant or something at an inappropriate moment, just let it happen naturally."

"Oh," Pinkie sighed. "I guess I can do that."

Dash turned as she heard a thud. Spike was passed out, asleep, in the middle of the library floor. A half-eaten cupcake lay next to him as well as the wrappers from two other cupcakes.

"Seriously Pinkie?" Dash shot a venomous look at her. "You were going to drug me and force me onto a date with Big Mac?"

"Well, let's call it plan B. I had to be extra certain to show you how sorry I was for telling Big Mac you liked him!"

"Oh yeah! That was the Pinkie Promise,” Dash laughed. “You're so random, every pony already figured that out. If you're really sorry, promise me you won't ever knock me out with a cupcake to play a prank on me. I had a nightmare about that once."

"Okie-Dokie-Lokie! Good luck with Big Mac!" Pinkie tossed a couple cupcakes into her mouth and chewed happily.

"Wait, Pinkie, those are the—" Her thud interrupted Dash. Pinkie was now fast asleep next to Spike. Dash considered sticking around to warn Twilight, but thought better of it. She'd stop by later to draw mustaches on their faces.

Dash flew over to the farm through the rain that was slowly vanishing. Several members of the weather team had begun to disperse the clouds. When Dash reached the farm house, she knocked on the door.

"Ah'm comin' "Applejack replied. "Oh Dash, come on in and have some hot cocoa. That was a mighty downpour we just had."

"Thanks. Is Big Mac here?" Dash walked over and sat down across from her on the couch.

"Yeah, he's getting' dried up. Somepony let a giant storm system pass over Ponyville and he got drenched to the bone."

"Oh." Dash blushed. "I'll uh. . . find out who on the weather team did it and have a talk with them." Dash hid her guilt behind the rim of her mug of hot cocoa. It tasted wonderful.

"Sure ya will. And ah just wanted to say sorry if ah spooked ya earlier. After you two were runnin' all over town lookin' for each other ah knew you must really like him. Ah'd be proud to have ya as a sister-in-law."

Applejack gave Dash a wide, friendly smile. When the last phrase, 'sister-in-law', reached Dash's brain, she sprayed the hot cocoa all over Applejack's face.

"What!" Dash coughed.

Author's Note

For those wondering at all the spit-takes, they actually traveled full circle over the two chapters, hitting Big Mac & the mane 6 in an unbroken chain, except for Rarity.

6. Dash-Mac Smash-Attack

=======================================================================

February 14th. 20:59.57. . . 20:59.58. . . 20:59.59. . . 21:00.00

A large, angry crowd had gathered. They had poured out of the nearby houses and left the festivities. The owner of the inn, the cakes, and Mayor Mare lead the crowd. Dash and Mac had ruined Hearts and Hooves day for those ponies by destroying their homes and places of business. Their houses had been turned to splinters. The reasonable explanation was parasprites, but the obvious explanation were the stallion and mare.

Several ponies had pitchforks and shovels. They were waving them around to excite the crowd. They had all been asleep, or out enjoying the company of a special pony. The addition of several torches to help the ponies see, made for quite the scene.

The crowd closed in around the mare and stallion, shouting at them and waving. Several still had on their slippers or pajamas. If only some level headed ponies were here to help them. Surely having a little fun and accidentally blowing a couple buildings up wasn’t that bad. The rest of the elements would find this hilarious, they’d understand, but they were all otherwise occupied.

"You destroyed my home!" shouted one pony.

"You destroyed the inn!" said another.

"Dash, that was so awesome!" Scootaloo yelled from somewhere in the crowd.

"You destroyed my cabbage cart, again!"

"You'll repay every bit to repair the Town Hall!" Mayor Mare shouted.

"Yay! We get to remodel Sugarcube Corner! This is going to be the best 'Somepony help me remodel my house because Dash and Big Mac flattened it on Hearts and Hooves Day' party EVER!" Pinkie screamed in an explosion of confetti.

"Big mac," Dash whispered to her accomplice.

"Eeyup?"

"I regret nothing."

=======================================================================

February 13th. 20:59.57 . . . 20:59.58 . . . 20:59.59 . . . 21:00.00

Dash flew over to the farm through the rain that was slowing down. Several members of the weather team had begun to disperse the clouds. When Dash reached the farm house, she knocked on the door.

"Ah'm comin' "Applejack replied. "Oh Dash, come on in and have some hot cocoa. That was a mighty downpour we just had."

"Thanks. Is Big Mac here?" Dash walked over and sat down across from her on the couch.

"Yeah, he's getting' dried up. Somepony let a giant storm system pass over Ponyville and he got drenched to the bone."

"Oh." Dash laughed. "I'll uh. . . find out who on the weather team did it and have a talk with them." Dash hid her guilt behind the rim of her mug of hot cocoa. It tasted wonderful.

"Sure ya will. And ah just wanted to say sorry if ah spooked ya earlier. After you two were runnin' over town lookin' for each other ah knew you must really like him. Ah'd be proud to have ya as a sister-in-law."

Applejack gave Dash a wide, friendly smile. When the last phrase, 'sister-in-law', reached Dash's brain, she sprayed the hot cocoa all over Applejack's face.

"What!?" Dash coughed.

“What in Sam Hill? Ah was kiddin’, why’s everypony spittin’ on each other today?” Applejack complained.

"Sorry, I uh. . . might be a tad nervous.” Dash fidgeted and glanced around the room. “That I'm too awesome for him, of course. I never get nervous about asking somepony out!"

"Y'all never were good at fibbin'. Just admit it, ya brain turns ta mush around a handsome stallion, happens to the best o' us."

"Pfft." Dash turned and sipped her remaining hot cocoa. “It’s the other way around, I bet Mac can hardly speak around me.”

The two heard someone heading down the stairs and walk into the room. They turned to see Big Mac enter the room. Everypony was silent, smiling casually, as they looked around the room at each other.

Applejack burst out laughing at the two speechless ponies . After a little nervous laughter from all of them, she spoke up. "Well now, Macky, Dash here stopped by ta ask ya somethin'."

“Nope, ma chores?” Mac asked.

“Me and Applebloom finished up ‘round the farm. You and Dash can take all the time ya want,” Applejack replied.

"Um, hi Mac," Dash said. Her wings were twitching slightly as the played with the mug of cocoa in her hooves.

"Eeyup."

"Wha? Do we have guests?" Granny inched around the corner with her walker and headed for her favorite recliner. "Dash! Wonderful ta see ya honey. Did ya come by for some more of my home-made anti-fungal cream?"

Dash hid her face in her hooves, groaning. She had gotten athlete’s hooves from all the exertion at the iron pony competition and running of the leaves. Granny seemed unaware that was now over a year ago.

"Wha was that? Speak up," She also noticed her grandson blushing in a way he hadn't since grade school. "Oh I see what's goin' on, don't mind me. You two just keep it down while we're sleepin'. I can still remember your pappy’s favorite position, he’d bend me ove—”

"Granny!" AJ quipped.

"I dun get it, why would they hafta keep quiet?" Applebloom asked.

"It's not too late, Luna, you can still strike me down and end this torture," Dash whispered. "Then again, at least Pinkie isn—"

"SURPRISE!" Pinkie shouted as she leapt out of the fireplace.

"How in tarnati—" Applejack started.

"Luna!" Dash screamed.

"Nope," Mac replied.

"I still dun get what's goin' on!" Applebloom protested.

"I brought 'Happy Hearts and Hooves day' cupcakes for the special someponies!" Pinkie exclaimed, placing dozens of cupcakes on the coffee table.

"Pinki—" Dash began.

"Oh, I'm just so excited! I was so worried after I covered you in gloppy gloop—"

"Pinkie!—"

Dash was ignored.

"With the party cannon that you were gonna hold a grudge or be too embarrassed to ask Big Mac to be your spec—"

"Pinkie!" everypony yelled.

"Is there something in my teeth?" Pinkie asked.

As Dash was about to speak, a loud melody began playing and everypony turned to see Pinkie playing ten instruments at once. Dash fell back onto the couch and pulled a pillow over her face.

"Pinkie, ah reckon we should take a little walk," Applejack ordered.

"But that party is just getting started!" she protested.

"Pinkie. Walk. Now." Applejack pulled her outside by the tuba. "Just a little friendly walk to check on the cows."

"Oh, I love the cows! They're so friendly and I absolutely have to have some milk when I eat chocolate cupcakes!" Pinkie exclaimed.

Dash waited for Pinkie and AJ to leave, then cleared her throat. “Mac, I’ve been meaning to ask you something for a couple days. . .” Dash tried to make eye contact a couple times with Mac before succeeding. “I’d uh. . . I think we should, you know—since it’s Hearts and Hooves day. . .”

As Dash mumbled, she could feel panic coming over her. He’s going to say no she thought. Nopony would want to be her friend when they found out. . .

Dash remembered when the first serious thought of asking him out first occurred to her. She recalled seeing Mac plowing the fields. He was busy pulling a large plow attached to a rope on his hip. Only able to scoot it along inch by inch, he repeatedly thrust with all his might over and over again. Rainbow Dash had watched the movement and seen something else entirely.

“Will you be my special somepony?” Dash blurted out.

"Eeyup." Mac walked over and took a seat, across the table from Dash.

"I—uh—thank you," Dash stuttered. She started blushing a lovely magenta shade that matched her eyes. "We—I should—"

"Ah get it now, you two are gonna be special someponies! This is wonderful, Mac, this'll make up for the time ah love poisoned ya!" Applebloom jubilantly added. Dash had forgot she was still in the room.

"Wait, love poison?" Dash was sitting back up now, and saw Mac eating one of the cupcakes.

"Eeyup."

"Do I want to know? Dash asked.

"Nope."

"Applebloom, why don't ya head on up ta your room and get some rest," Granny told her.

"Yes Granny." Applebloom trotted up the stairs singing. "Dash and Macky sittin' in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G."

"Thanks Luna that's over with. So, uh Big Mac. When should I drop by tomorrow?" Dash asked.

"Hmm, two."

"You uh, mind if I stop by and help earlier? I always kinda liked watching you work," Dash admitted.

"Sure, ah thought ya were watchin’ me plow," Mac laughed.

=======================================================================

February 14th 08:34.57 . . . 08:34.58 . . . 08:34.59 . . . 08:35.00

"Are you sure, Luna?" Celestia asked.

"We are most certain, sister. The stars and moon shall align tonight, in my most magnificent display ever. Meteors will shower the sky, and Cadance shall cast a spell upon my moon. Her love will radiate on everypony. This will be the best Hearts and Hooves day ever," Luna exclaimed.

"And you agree to handle the consequences, should you and Cadance mess up and cause a little too much love? I still remember the last time you got lonely on Hearts and Hooves day, and decided to put on a 'grand show' with your moon. Every noble pony in Canterlot ended up out in the streets ‘enjoying’ each other’s company."

"Fear not, my sister, for we are not so young and naïve anymore. And, if by some chance, a gentle stallion does not whisk me off my feet when he sees my beauty tonight, we shall not burn down the romance section of the Royal Library again."

"I still think you’ve got the wrong idea about this holiday. Just don’t make me regret you and Cadance casting love spells again. . .I suppose that's all I can ask for."

"Now, we are off to have pleasant dreams!"

=======================================================================

February 14th. 11:59.57 . . . 11:59.58 . . . 11:59.59 . . . 12:00.00

It had been a long night. For some reason Dash had been unable to sleep, and wondered if Mac felt the same. She had a nervous energy, constantly tossing and turning in bed. Dating a pony was uncharted territory, she couldn’t stop wondering if she would mess it up. She'd never opened up to a stallion, and the idea that her feelings would be reciprocated filled her with a new emotion.

She grabbed her box of treats off the counter. Today was Hearts and Hooves day, and it was customary to exchange gifts. It was a last minute attempt, so she had attempted to melt chocolate protein bars and shape them into little hearts. The result was balls of peanut-butter chocolate with bits of oat and protein powder shaped like small moose droppings.

Still, Dash had tried a few and was quite proud of the effort. She had never cooked for anypony, nor would she ever admit to making Mac homemade chocolates. She wasn't the uncool, stay-at-home type of pony. Mac and Dash were athletic, and they would be doing cool things tonight. They wouldn't be sitting on a park bench talking about their feelings.

Dash flew down towards the farm with the box of chocolate balls strapped to her back. They were a bit salty, but very high in protein, and that was a good thing. A great thing in fact. They would need lots of energy for tonight, at least Dash hopped so. It did not take her long to find Mac, heading back for lunch. After that she would help him wrap up his chores so they had the whole evening to enjoy.

She met him at the family picnic table. Luckily, it was just her, Mac, and AJ. He was covered in sweat from head to hoof and had the matching, overwhelming body order. It was just the kind of thing to set Dash's heart racing.

"Hey, I uh, brought you a gift," Dash said, smiling.

"Thanks," Mac said.

"Ah bet she'll love what you got her," Applejack added.

"But ah did—" Big mac was interrupted by Applejack’s hoof in his side.

"Don’t ruin the surprise, Mac. So what'd you bring my clumsy brother?" Applejack added before Mac recovered.

"I uh. . . well they were going to be chocolate protein bar candies, but I'm not that good at the whole candy thing. Or chocolate. Or cooking in general."

"Thanks, Dash, that's mighty kind," Mac replied.

"Hold on a second, did ya just say you cooked something Dash?" Applejack chuckled.

"Ah think ah hear Granny callin' ya," Mac said.

"Ah didn't he—" Applejack was interrupted by her brother’s hoof in the side. "Ow! Ya'll are right, better go see what she wants. Then I'll be back for you, Mac."

"If I didn't know better I'd say your sibling rivalry is almost as big as AJ's and mine," Dash laughed.

"You ain't seen half of it. Remember when ah missed applebuck season?" Mac asked.

"Yeah, what about it?"

"She got this notion she could hogtie me. Said she was a better rodeo pony, somethin’ bout being quicker. Didn’t take much before ah had her trussed up ‘n hangin’ from a tree. She was so furious. Tried ta jump me in the house ‘n get her revenge. Ah quickly had her trussed up again, laughed so hard ah fell right down the stairs. Got knocked out cold, and she had to wait for Granny to wake up to help her out."

"That's awsome!" Dash said. “I didn’t know you could hogtie somepony so easily.” Dash imagined what it’d feel like to have Mac hog tying her to a tree.

"Eeyup. She still thinks ah cheated. Ah mean, look at us, who'd ya think is stronger?"

"I'm going to go with. . . me." Dash flew into the air and showed off her muscles. She intended to show Mac she was just as strong.

Mac's jaw dropped, as it was her curves and not her muscles that got his attention. He followed her sides down to her flank arriving at her plot. His tongue rolled out of his mouth before he realized she was staring straight at him, following the line of his gaze.

After a few seconds Dash realized she was exposing herself to her new special somepony, and dropped back to the ground.

"Eeyup."

"Heh, sorry I get a little carried away."

=======================================================================

February 14th 13:36.57 . . . 13:36.58 . . . 13:36.59 . . . 13:37.00

"We have done as you requested," Luna stated.

"Good, and she doesn't suspect anything," Cadance asked?

"This is Celestia, of course she suspects something. We do not think she will interfere. We shall amplify your power of love using the moon. This shall be your best Hearts and Hooves day ever."

"Thanks, Luna. I still have to wonder, why don't I just cast the love spell on you instead of everypony?"

"We shall not have ponies know that we needed love spells to find a stallion on Hearts and Hooves day! Everypony shall feel your magic and love spread throughout the kingdom, and have the most wonderful night ever."

"Fine, fine. But don't forget your promise. When my term is up in the Crystal Kingdom, you'll transfer me somewhere warmer. It’s bucking cold up there, and Shining can’t keep me warm when you keep sending him out to train the guard."

"We shall keep our word, if, and only if, this night ends in a most excellent rutting."

=======================================================================

February 14th 13:49.27 . . . 13:49.28 . . . 13:49.29 . . . 13:49.30

Dash flew against her yoke, dragging the plow behind her. To the side of the field, Applejack and Big Mac watched in amazement.

"Ah can barely pull that thing, it must weigh three hundred pounds," Applejack remarked in amazement.

"Eeyup, them plows ain't built for mares. Ah don't understand how those wings can be so powerful."

"Ah don't understand how she ain't broke 'em yet pullin’ somethin’ that heavy."

"You still think she cheated on the iron pony competition?" Mac quipped.

"Of course she did! She may be strong, but she's a no good cheatin' stallion stealin' mare."

"What? She ain't never stole a stallion."

"Of course she did, haven't you heard?"

In 1972, hot shot stunt pony, Dash, was sent to prison by a military court for a crime she and her marefriends didn't commit. These mares promptly escaped from a maximum-security stockade to the Los Stalliones underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as stunt fliers of fortune. If you have a problem . . . if no one else can help . . . and if you can find them . . . then maybe you can hire. . . the L-Team.

I was a young mare back then, Mac, when Dash stole the stallion of my dre—

"Nope."

"Hobble your lip, that's bull-hickey. Ah don't wanna hear no more tangents 'bout Dash's secret lives leadin' up ta this moment. I just wanna fight like Kilkenny cats in the sack," Mac stated.

"Sweet Celestia, when'd you turn into a Colt Eastwood? Ah think the blood must be abandonin' ship from your brain," Applejack snapped.

"Ow!" Dash shouted.

The two siblings stopped bickering to see Dash at the end of the field, trying her best to get a good look at her wing. They quickly ran over to see what was wrong.

"Y’all okay?" Mac asked.

"Yeah, just pulled a muscle. I think I hit a rock," Dash stated.

"Rock? Hah! Ah knew the plow was too heavy for ya, after all that braggin'," Applejack quipped.

"She's just tired out from all the hard work. You can't even get a plow movin' AJ, she got it clear across the field!" Mac laughed.

"What? AJ can't even get it started?" Dash rolled over and started clutching her sides as she laughed. “Ah knew I was stronger than you!”

"That ain't true!" AJ tried to lie. "Ugh, insufferable! Have a good hearts and hooves day you two, ah got some chores to do since nopony asked me out, again."

After Applejack was gone, Dash got up. "You know, Mac, Rarity may have accidently told me once, she's always wanted to go on a date with Applejack. You think we should help them hook up?"

Big Mac was aroused as his mind immediately imagined the two mares in bed together. Rarity, whining that Applejack was getting her dirty in their embrace. Applejack, sweating as—

"Nope," he replied. Best not get to thinking about two mares in one bed, especially when one was his sister. Though, come to think of it, he realized Rarity would be pretty hot covered in mud.

"Fair enough," Dash added. "Now, let's get into town and get this party started!"

"Yay! Party!" Pinkie yelled as she jumped out from behind the plow.

"Ugh. . . how long have you been hiding in the plow, Pinkie?" Dash asked.

"Since you started plowing, silly!"

=======================================================================

February 14th 15:59.57 . . . 15:59.58 . . . 15:59.59 . . . 16:00.00

"So you see, as the wave form collapses, it enables the flux capacitor to release more energy. The perpetual motion energy begins an inverse cycle, causing it to use even less energy. As the output approaches 1.21 gigawatts of power the reactor starts to self-sustain. At that point, it becomes a true perpetual motion engine, and is able to supply an infinite amount of power. The rest is just a simple matter of quantum physics and string theory," Doctor Whooves said.

"Wow, I'd never imagined it like that," Twilight replied. Her face was flush and so were her lips. She could feel the warmth spreading as the Doctor spoke science to her. Already, she was making a mental checklist on the best way to ask him back to the library after Hearts and Hooves day was over. Twilight would mention her collection of books on quantum wave forms, then invite him back for hot coffee. She knew he was an immortal, super-intelligent time-traveler so she had bought a net in case things didn’t go her way. A really big net.

"Yes, well did you want to hear more? You seem to be uh. . . enjoying yourself?"

Twilight uncrossed her eyes and put her tongue back in her mouth before turning back to face him. "Oh, it's just quite fascinating. So, if that provides power for this 'theoretical' wormhole you were studying, how would this 'theoretical' box travel through two points of space, instead of time?"

"Well that's a whole other field of study. You see, the first thing to realize is that it is not the box that's moving. It is, in fact, space that is moving. While the speed of light is the most valuable constant in interstellar travel, one cannot assume speeds surpassing it are impossi—" The Doctor stopped as Twilight moaned loudly.

Twilight focused and realized he'd stopped talking. "Go on, speed of light, penetrating wormholes. . ."

". . . Um, yes. So, once you've successfully breached the speed of light, you break the old Hoofstein theories of relativity. You are no longer bound to a fixed point in space. In fact, you can know both the speed and location of every atom at the same time. This allows you to know where every atom will be at every point in the past, or future. It is simply a matter of having a micro-processing computer and a suitable particle accelerator. With a sufficient number of Higgs-Bos—" The Doctor stopped and looked behind him.

Twilight had stopped to sit on a bench, stifling her moans as she quivered. The bench was shaking as she steadied herself against it, imagining the Higgs-Boson particles bombarding the nucleus of plutonium atoms in the flux capacitor. The way the atoms just exploded, releasing all that pent up energy.

"Oh my, Twilight, you look like you have quite a fever, are you alright?" the Doctor asked.

"Oh—Oh—Yes—I’m fine. Let's—Just talk about—something else—for a while," Twilight gasped.

=======================================================================

February 14th 16:59.57 . . . 16:59.58 . . . 16:59.59 . . . 17:00.00

"See Pinkie, ya'll don't have to try too hard to make it up to your friends. Mac and Dash are having a swell time," Braeburn exclaimed.

"I guess so, but you're one hundred percent absolutely posilutly sure that they don't want a 'sorry I broke the pinkie promise and yay! You're dating now' party?" Pinkie asked.

"Yes, Pinkie. Now, tell me, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Well gee, Braeburn. Where are we going to get leather restraints, ball gags, whips, and chains at this time of night?" Pinkie responded.

"No Pink—oh wait, you’re actually right for once. Come on, I have a surprise for you. It involves frosting, cupcakes, and your cellar.”

=======================================================================

February 14th 17:29.57 . . . 17:29.58 . . . 17:29.59 . . . 17:30.00

Dash yawned loudly as Mac and her sat watching the fireworks.

"Am ah that boring?" Mac asked.

"No, I Just didn't get much sleep last night. It's hard to stay awake sitting still," Dash added.

"Well, ah reckon we could talk. Been mighty quiet, maybe uh. . . ah could tell ya how beautiful your magenta eyes were?" Mac asked.

Dash was caught off guard. Had he just asked if her eyes were beautiful, or did he state it? She turned to look at him and saw him smiling, he was lost in her eyes. Nopony had ever complimented her like that. She'd been with a few stallions, but her beautiful features were the last thing on their minds.

"I uh. . . I'd like that," Dash replied.

"Ya have the most beautiful magenta eyes."

"And your eyes are. . . really green," Dash cooed.

Mac chuckled softly. "Thanks, ah hear they match my cutie mark. Kinda like yours match the lovely strands in your mane, here." Mac reached over and brushed some of the hairs that matched her eye off her shoulder.

Dash felt a surge of warmth and smiled, suddenly taking in the scent of apples. "You, actually smell like apples. It's cool."

"Ah had to look my best for ya."

"So, how about we do something a little cooler? Not that I don't like the compliments. . . I'm just horrible at it."

"You were doin' just fine, but what do ya have in mind?

"I was thinking we'd race to the bonfires."

"Sure, when do we start?"

"We just did," Dash shouted as she shot off, sprinting down the road.

=======================================================================

February 14th 17:44.57 . . . 17:44.58 . . . 17:44.59 . . . 17:45.00

"This is lovely, darling, thanks," Ms. Cake cooed.

"Thanks, honey, I'd do anything for you. Even leave Pinkie alone in the bakery so I could take you out for a wonderful night," Mr. Cake said.

"You truly are fearless," she chuckled.

"What's the worst that can happen? It's not like she'll demolish Sugarcube Corner. I'm just glad the twins are sleeping."

"Well, after Pinkie introduced them to sugar, I don't think she'll be babysitting again for a while."

"That was a long night," he replied. He looked over to the sleeping twins. The family was sitting near a fountain, enjoying the beginning of a beautiful meteor shower overhead.

"Kiss me, and feel free to let your hooves wander," Ms. Cake begged.

"Sure thing." Mr. Cake planted a kiss on his wife and went to work. Seconds later the twins woke up screaming. Apparently it was time to be fed.

“Sorry, honey” Mr. Cake began.

“It’s okay, it’s turning me on,” Ms. Cake panted. “Keep going.”

Mr. Cake obliged, he wasn’t going to turn this opportunity down. He sped up his tempo to match the screaming babies in their carriage.

=======================================================================

February 14th 17:58.57 . . . 17:58.58 . . . 17:58.59 . . . 17:58.00

"You can do this, Rarity. Every year, you find a reason not to," Rarity quipped into the mirror. "Just walk over to Sweet Apple Acres. Tell AJ you don't want to be alone again on Hearts and Hooves day. She's your friend!”

"Then, she'll agree, because she's lonely too. We'll head to the spa, where Aloe and Lotus will have my present ready. She'll relax with me, be pampered, and then, when the moment is perfect, I'll let her know my true feelings.”

"I'll gaze deep into her eyes, and admit my undying love for that stubborn, brash, filthy mare. Oh yes, she is so dirty. . ." Rarity was finding herself quite turned on at the thought of being dirty. It was her biggest secret that, her, the prim and proper, ever clean mare loved to get dirty.

=======================================================================

February 14th 18:54.57 . . . 18:54.58 . . . 18:54.59 . . . 18:55.00

"We will not settle for such a rude stallion!" Luna commanded in her royal Canterlot voice.

A blue stallion sprinted away in terror. Moments later Cadance flew down to join Luna. "Come on, Luna, you can't be so picky. Everypony is feeling my love tonight, just relax and have a good time with one of them."

"We shall not settle, we are royalty! We deserve only the best stallion in Canterlot."

"Did you ever stop to think that maybe your standard is set too high?" Luna glared at Cadance. "Hear me out, Luna. You are nearly ageless; you've been alone for a thousand years. I can feel it in you and it pains me greatly. So many stallions would be glad to spend a night with you, to attempt to win your favor. You just need to let somepony in, be it a friend or a stranger."

"You would suggest we go search for love from any source possible? Does that not reek of desperation?"

"No, it is the sign of a pony who wants to be loved. I have always said that love can heal any wound, and yes, it can also be painful. However, if you don't open yourself up to a friend, you'll never find a special somepony."

"Hmm, open myself up to a friend. . . we approve of your plan." Luna leapt into the air, flying towards her bedchambers.

"Dear Celestia, what did I just do?"

=======================================================================

February 14th 19:19.57 . . . 19:19.58 . . . 19:19.59 . . . 19:20.00

Rarity knocked on the front door to the Apple household. Most of the lights were out and it took a while before Applejack came and opened the door.

"Oh hey, Rare, what can ah do ya fer?" Applejack asked.

"Good evening, Applejack. I suspected that you and I might be in the same boat. We are woefully alone on Hearts and Hooves day. It would be my honor to escort you to the spa, to relax," Rarity recited.

"Ah shucks, ah would be ah think ah'd rather just stay home."

"I insist! You must be tired from a long hard day working the fields, covered in sweat and mud. . ." Rarity nearly drifted off into a daydream before recovering. "And, a little trip to the spa will have us both feeling better! It'll also help me take my mind off the soul-crushing sorrow of being alone again. This is the. Worst. Thing. Possible!" Rarity exclaimed, falling back onto the fainting couch she had prepared earlier.

"Rare, no need ta get dramatic. Ah would have come if ya'd just insisted." Applejack grabbed her cowmare hat and put it on.

The two began walking towards the spa when a loud noise shook the air. They saw the characteristic rainbow circle spread over town, as a brilliant rainbow streaked overhead.

The ground glowed with the reflected lights. Rarity placed a hoof on Applejack's shoulder.

"Look, it's already going to be a magical night," Rarity exclaimed.

=======================================================================

February 14th 19:24.57 . . . 19:24.58 . . . 19:24.59 . . . 19:25.00

Dash and Mac lay side by side in the tall grass. They were both panting and exhausted, covered in sweat. They occasionally looked at one another and laughed in joy.

The two had just spent the past hour in a contest of stamina. Dash had taken an early lead, but Mac never tired out. By the end, Dash could barely stand and Mac was still barreling ahead.

It had started with the race to the bonfire. Dash had won, and Mac suggested a rematch. Several rematches followed as they raced around town.

As they lay in the grass, Dash noticed how big he was, no wonder he was called Big Mac. His legs were thick as a four by four, huge muscles covered the shoulder joints. His sturdy neck and frame supported the large extremities, including one she looked forward to meeting later.

Mac inhaled Dash’s scent, sweat that smelled like a fresh rain near the ocean. He enjoyed a good, hard day’s work and imagined seeing her sweating more often. It only served to highlight how lithe and limber her smaller frame was. It inevitably always drew his eyes south.

=======================================================================

February 14th 19:34.57 . . . 19:34.58 . . . 19:34.59 . . . 19:35.00

Rarity had completed her master plan. She had lured Applejack into the hot tub with her, alone, in the Day Spa. The two ponies relaxed in the hot water as they were massaged by the water jets beneath.

Both of them were sighing and groaning as muscles they didn't even know were sore got massaged.

"Rare, this feels amazin'. Ah actually wish you and ah could spend more time together like this. Just two mares havin' a good time, not worryin' about stallions," Applejack said smoothly.

"Actually, darling, that's why I brought you here." Rarity leaned over to Applejack who was now looking at her. Rarity used her hoof to guide a water jet just-so onto Applejack. AJ was shocked, surprised, and then smiled. "I'd like to make you feel even more amazing, and show you why we'll never need stallions again."

=======================================================================

February 14th 19:44.57 . . . 19:44.58 . . . 19:44.59 . . . 19:045.00

“Shining, you can come in now,” Cadance called out seductively.

Shining armor walked into the bed chambers to begin tonight’s roleplaying. On his bed lay his wife, dressed in the finest gold silk. Her hooves had brilliant, polished gold slippers. Her necklace and crown were studded with jewels. She looked absolutely stunning.

“We love thou regalia, Princess Celestia.” Shining muttered. His wife made a lovely Celestia, her fur was a much better color to compliment the golden accoutrements.

Cadance took in her husband. The black crown sparkled in the light, the deep blue hoof-guards rattled as he walked. His white fur accentuated each piece of Luna’s regalia.

“Do not be shy, sister, tis been a thousand years. Come, and let me show you what you’ve been missing. . . the power of love.”

“We accept thou fine offer,” Shining said proudly. “Let the sexual escapades be doubled!”

=======================================================================

February 14th 19:59.57 . . . 19:59.58 . . . 19:59.59 . . . 20:00.00

Fluttershy lay in bed, alone. It wasn't because nopony had asked her out, quite the contrary. Every year she would receive dozens of letters from stallions professing their undying love for the yellow pegasus. That didn't make it any less scary.

It was one thing to overcome shyness with her friends. To have every stallion in town, which she rarely saw and never spoke too, suddenly send her roses, chocolates, and letters every year was intimidating.

Sure, she wanted to have a good time like all the other ponies. Year after year, the constant invitations had actually made her shyness worse. Now, she laid in bed wishing she could fall asleep and go back to having a normal day.

Dash would visit, they would have just as much fun as a special somepony. Her spa date with Rarity was always so much better than eating lunch with a stallion. Twilight. . . she was such a sweet pony, who was quiet though not as shy as Fluttershy. She often wondered if Twilight might like to spend some more time with her.

Fluttershy yawned. A second ago she had been wide away, and now she was fast asleep.

=======================================================================

February 14th 20:00.57 . . . 20:00.58 . . . 20:00.59 . . . 20:01.00

Luna finished her spell and stepped into Fluttershy's dream. She found the mare standing in front of her cottage, looking slightly confused.

"We are most pleased to see you, Fluttershy," Luna exclaimed.

"Eep!" Fluttershy squeaked. She quickly dove into a rabbit's burrow and tried to wiggle inside. Luna plucked her out with her magic.

"There is no need to fear, sweet Fluttershy. We are in your dream because we are lonely. We wished to spend our Hearts and Hooves day with the most beautiful and kind mare in Equestria."

"Twilight?" Fluttershy responded.

Luna chuckled. "No, you. We are both lonely, I from a thousand years on the moon, and you from the shyness that is so . . . adorable. I have come to ask you, to let me be your special somepony for the night."

"Oh, well, if you insist. I wouldn't want to make you be all alone again, and. . . well I always loved how your mane sparkles." Fluttershy blushed and turned her head so her pink hair covered her face.

Luna blushed. "We appreciate your compliments. So tell me, what would you like to do for hearts and hooves day?"

"Well um. . . what can we do?"

"We am the princess of the night, ruler of dreams. You need only speak your deepest fantasies, and we shall grant them."

"Well, I. . ." Fluttershy trailed off and whispered something.

"What was that?"

Fluttershy walked over to Luna and whispered in her ear. She was blushing to the point that her cheeks looked like tomatoes. When she was done, Luna's blue cheeks were turning from purple to pink as she blushed in kind.

"Six hours, with that much whipped cream? Hast thou been told of thy’s deceptive nature? Thou truly art a deviant."

The dream got hazy, and the two mares found themselves in Fluttershy's bedroom.

=======================================================================

February 14th 20:05.57 . . . 20:05.58 . . . 20:05.59 . . . 20:06.00

Dash felt so warm and safe in Big Mac's embrace. The two had begun kissing under the glowing, pink moon. She had put on some rainbow socks to impress him before suggesting the make-out session. Once it began, she had melted in his hooves in a way she had never thought possible.

"Mac, there's something I wanted to ask," Dash whispered.

"What?" he replied.

"Well, I've always liked you so I don't want you to think it's too sudden but. . . well I really really like you and I've got this itch I just can't scratch and. . . if it's okay with you. . . I'd really like to head to the inn and rent a room."

Mac opened and closed his mouth silently a few times, and with a shyness to rival Fluttershy's said "Eeyup."

Dash felt something brush her hind leg, before getting up to lead the way to the inn.

=======================================================================

February 14th 20:15.57 . . . 20:15.58 . . . 20:15.59 . . . 20:16.00

"Come on Sweetie! If ah help ya kiss Snips, maybe ah'll get my cutie mark!" Applebloom whined.

"It's not going to happen! Colts are disgusting, I don't want anything to do with them until they grow up into handsome, noble princes," Sweetie retorted.

"Ugh will you two quit it? This is so boring. I wish Dash were here, things are always awesome when she is around." Scootaloo stopped walking. "Hey girls, you hear that?"

Everypony stopped and started scanning the street with their ears. They could not see the source of the noise, but they could hear something rattling, or perhaps banging, around nearby.

"Cutie Mark Crusader Detectives?" Scootaloo asked. The girls nodded.

They spread out looking for the sound of the strange noise. It was quickly narrowed down to a building near Sugarcube Corner.

"I've never seen anything like it," Sweetie exclaimed. "It's like an earthquake, but only the one building is shaking!"

"What in tarnation could it be? Should we get Twilight to fix it?" Applebloom inquired.

"I think first we should back up!" Scootaloo complained.

Boards had started falling off the inn as the old oak walls fell apart. The crusaders had barely made it to the cover of a cabbage cart when they heard a loud explosion.

A wall of air rushed past them, flinging all the cabbages out of the cart. They saw an angry merchant screaming at somepony. Then, a circle of colorful rainbow washed just feet over their head.

"A sonic rainboom? This low?" Scootaloo jumped up and looked around.

Dash was nowhere in sight. All Scootaloo could see was a lingering rainbow over the smoldering rubble that had been the Ponyville Inn.

=======================================================================

February 14th 20:22.57 . . . 20:22.58 . . . 20:22.59 . . . 20:23.00

"Ah reckon this is a bad idea, Dash," Mac whined. The pair stood in the ruins of the inn they had just leveled.

"Shh! I'm not finished, not by a long shot! Now, Pinkie and Braeburn have Sugarcube Corner all to themselves tonight. We're just going to use their guest room, no sweat" Dash said.

"Eeyup," Mac added suspiciously.

The two crept inside the house, quietly heading for the guest bedroom. They heard muffled sounds and the cracking of a whip from somewhere in the bakery. It wasn't helping Dash concentrate.

"There it is!" Dash exclaimed.

=======================================================================

February 14th 20:31.57 . . . 20:31.58 . . . 20:31.59 . . . 20:31.00

"Ah'm tellin' ya Mayor Mare, it's the truth!" Applebloom exclaimed.

"Girls, you want me to believe this house was shaking itself apart, and then Rainbow Dash flew by and performed a sonic rainboom just feet above the street, and that the house just exploded itself apart?" Mayor Mare mocked.

"It's true, Mayor Mare, they destroyed my precious cabbages! I had to bring out my back up cabbages," the foreign cabbage dealer complained. "I expect reimbursement!"

"Of all the nights. . . now I’ll be late for my date with Iron Will. All right, I'll get some police ponies over here at once."

Mayor Mare walked away to get the police. After a few minutes of waiting, the crusaders got bored.

"So what now? Cutie Mark Crusader cabbage recovery specialists?" Scootaloo asked.

"How about Cutie Mark Crusader seismologists?" Sweetie asked.

The trio turned to face Sugarcube Corner. They could feel it rumbling through their hooves from across the street.

"Pinkie Pie! Ah knew it, she's always doing somethin' crazy. AJ says she's nothin' but trouble sometimes," Applebloom shouted.

"Oh no, my cabbages!" The vendor cried. He went to lift them up and run off, but a wheel fell off. "No, not again!" He began scooping them up as they rolled out.

"It looks worse this time, quick, back behind the cart!" Scootaloo shouted. The fillies dove for cover.

Sure enough there was a loud explosion, followed by a rainboom, followed by two objects landing next to them with a thud.

"Whoa Braeburn! That had to be the best one yet!" Pinkie panted.

"Um. . . Pinkie? Why are you dressed like the Mysterious Mare Do Well? And why is Braeburn all tied up?" Scootaloo asked.

Pinkie jumped five feet in the air gasping. "Quick, Plan B!" She flung several pellets at the ground, creating a cloud of smoke. When the smoke cleared, her and Braeburn had vanished.

=======================================================================

February 14th 20:44.57 . . . 20:44.58 . . . 20:44.59 . . . 20:45.00

"Please, Mac, just one more. I need this."

"Well, ah reckon one more can't hurt. Anything for you, Dashie," Mac cooed.

"Let's go to town hall, I don't think we should hang around this rubble anymore."

=======================================================================

February 14th 20:50.57 . . . 20:50.58 . . . 20:50.59 . . . 20:51.00

"There she is!" Scootaloo shouted. The trio ran up to Mayor Mare, flanked by a very angry, and cabbageless, market vendor.

"Girls, what happened?" Mayor Mare asked.

"Ah saw another buildin' explode! It was Sugarcube Corner, and Pinkie nearly landed right on us!" Applebloom exclaimed.

"I should have known," Mayor Mare answered. "Police, find Pinkie Pie and take her into custody. We're going to wait here outside town hall and see if any of the other elements come to investigate. Then, we'll find her and see why she is blowing up buildings."

"It was awesome, Mayor!" Scootaloo cheered. "First the building would get all shaky and wobbly, and then stuff would start falling off, and then it's be like BOOM! WOOSH! CRASH! And then WHOOOSH! With a giant rainbow and then KAKAKA as everything landed!"

"Wait, rainbow?" The Mayor asked. "Both buildings exploded in a rainbow?"

"Yeah, and it looked just like that!" Scootaloo cried in happiness. She was bouncing giddily on her hooves. "omigosh omigosh omigosh omigosh! It's happening again!"

Scootaloo stood there cheering as everypony else looked on in horror. The building was falling apart, piece by piece, victim to an invisible assailant. There was a bright prismatic light shining out through one of the windows.

"Omigosh!" Scootaloo chanted. "Omigosh. . . omigosh . . .omigosh. . .omigosh—omigosh—omigosh—omigosh. Omigosh. Omigosh. Omigosh. Omigosh, Omigosh, Omigosh, Omigosh, OMIGOSH OMIGOSH OMIGOSH OMIGOSH OMIGOSH OMIGOSH!!!"

Everyone present heard a voice issue from inside the building. "Mac...! Smash!"

As Scootaloo finished cheering, a glorious thing happened. The wooden boards in the walls were sent flying in every direction. A beautiful double rainboom shattered every window on the street as roofing shingles exploded into the sky.

Scootaloo's eyes continued to widen as the wave of rainbow color washed over every pony in the street, a giant beacon illuminating the dark town of Ponyville. Papers and parchment from within town hall fluttered to the ground.

As the dust cleared, Scootaloo saw her idol standing proudly in the wreckage. "SO AWESOME!"

=======================================================================

February 14th 20:58.57 . . . 20:58.58 . . . 20:58.59 . . . 20:59.00

"This isn't good, what do we do?" Dash asked.

"Well, ah think we'll have to face the music," Mac replied.

“And say what?” Dash inquired. “Sorry, but they call him Big Mac for a reason? We’ll be sure to tidy up the splintered remains of town hall?”

“Eeyup. Ah’d do it again if ah had a choice.”

Ponies were pouring out to see who had caused all the commotion. They could see several familiar faces among the growing crowd. Some came out just to see what the fuss was about. Others, like Mayor Mare and Pinkie Pie, had just had their workplaces destroyed.

Scootaloo was somewhere in the crowd, naively cheering her on for making so many rainbooms.

"Big mac," Dash whispered to her accomplice.

"Eeyup?"

"I regret nothing."

=======================================================================

February 14th 21:58.57 . . . 21:58.58 . . . 21:58.59 . . . 22:00.00

Dear Princess Celestia,

Tonight I learned a valuable lesson about friendship and net guns. After completing my. . . studies and extracurricular activities, I returned to the library for a quiet night of study. Imagine my surprise to look at the moon and feel such powerful magic wash over me, stoking my desire for a good rutt. . . a good book to read.

I know what you did, Celestia. You, and probably that deviant Cadance, cast a love spell on the moon. It was quite similiar to the want-it need-it spell. Were I not your pupil, I may have found myself repeatedly being taken by a handsome, intelligent, immortal time-traveling stallion in my loft until my every fantasy was fulfilled.

Luckily for you, I shall let this pass and not tell anypony about you’re little Neighagra spell or the subsequent property damage it caused it caused to the library, and town. However, you must agree to make me a princess. It doesn’t have to be today, or tomorrow, but you owe me one.

Your faithful student, who doesn’t need a love spell to get laid,

Twilight Sparkle.

Author's Note

-- The author also regrets nothing.
(Not sure if I should do more chapters, or end it here. What do you readers think?)

7. Twilight Tattles

Big Mac thrust with all his might.

“Good, just a little further,” Dash said.

He pulled the rope another foot forward, raising the last wall frame of Town Hall. Dash flew up and began to hammer some nails in to keep it from falling over.

The duo had rebuilt Sugarcube Corner, the inn, and Town Hall in record time. The Mayor had even offered them a job as Ponyville’s first dedicated construction crew. With Dash’s speed and Mac’s stamina, they were unstoppable in more ways than one.

As soon as the wall was finished, Dash slumped down against it. It was a sunny day, at least a hundred degrees out. She felt ridiculous sitting in the shade in a rapidly growing puddle of sweat. The one thing that made it better was the fact Mac had spent the last six hours building alongside her.

“Well, I suppose I should go clean up before we go to Twilight’s meeting,” Dash stated.

“Eeyup. Unless ya want to go like this and drive her crazy,” Mac laughed.

“That’s a great idea, I haven’t pranked her in awhile. Do you think we could weaponize sweat?”

“Hmm. . .Nope.”

“Drat, I guess that plan is out. I guess I’ll meet you there to see what this ‘big secret’ is.”

“Eeyup.”

“Hey, do you like your new town hall?” Shouted Dash to the oncoming Mayor.

“Yes, it looks great, Dash,” she replied.

“Great, ‘cuz we’re going home. Hey, why are you limping? It wouldn’t have anything to do with your date with Iron Will?”

“Wha—no! I slipped. . . down some stairs.”

“Onto Iron Will’s c—”

"Stop!" the Mayor interrupted. “Get going you two.”

Dash was relieved to have had a shower. Her sweat and blood had literally rebuilt three buildings in two days. Thankfully, Derpy was out of town so there were no mishaps with Town Hall.

Mayor Mare had gone easy on her and Mac after Twilight revealed that a love spell had gone wrong. Most of the damage caused to the town by various couples was the result of something Luna had done. Dash wasn’t sure how Twilight came by that information, or why she felt like sharing it. She was just curious what this meant for everypony that got into trouble that night.

It didn’t take her long to reach Twilight’s library. She flew up to the second story window she liked to sneak in through.

After she flew in and closed the window, the current state of the room hit her. There was a net latched onto the wall that looked like it had been chewed through. The bed sheets were scattered all over the room and the mattress overturned. A variety of leather attire more appropriate for Applejack than Twilight was strewn about.

The thing that still frightens Dash to this day, was a smarty pants doll costume. It lay, discarded, next to some hoofcuffs. She ran to the window and flew out, deciding to use the library’s front door for once.

After entering through the front door Dash noticed several things. Rarity and Applejack were sitting far across the room from each other, avoiding eye contact. Pinkie and Braeburn were nuzzling in a corner. Fluttershy seemed to be off in her own little world, more so than usual. Twilight was sitting calmly on a cushion and Mac was chewing on a straw of hay. Mayor Mare was sipping tea at a nearby table.

“Oh, good, everypony is here.” Twilight waited to get everyone’s attention. “We have a special guest today.”

“Hello, my little ponies.” Celestia walked out of the kitchen. Everypony immediately started bowing. “As you were, please, there’s no need for that.”

“Hey princess where’s your crown and shiny shoes?” Dash asked.

“They’re at the cleaners. Anyway, I came to apol—”

“But I thought rulers were supposed to wear them all the time as a symbol of their rule,” Pinkie gasped. “Did they get stolen? Was it a cat burgler? I have toy mice hidden all over Ponyville in ca—”

“Pinkie!” everypony shouted.

“Oh, sorry.” Pinkie pulled Braeburn in for a hug.

“As I was saying,” Celestia began. “My sister and princess Cadance cast a spell on the moon last night to spread Cadance’s love throughout Equestria. Unfortunately, the spell was overloaded and amplified throughout Equestria..”

“Wait, but that isn’t possible. The only way her love could have been overloaded was if she spent hours distracted and well. . . feeling a lot of love,” Twilight added.

“Yes, I’m afraid her and Shining were at it for eight hours,” Celestia stated.

Twilight’s mouth hung open. “Wha—not cool! My brother—eww!” Twilight began shaking the image out of her head and mumbling to herself.

“Luna and Cadance are certainly busy apologizing to the nobles of Canterlot, so I came to check on Ponyville. Most of the nobles were at a cocktail party and. . . it ended poorly. Even Blueblood was affected by the spell. We found him at Donut Joe’s the morning after Hearts and Hooves day. There was not a single donut left. . .”

Celestia faced the two ponies who had been single hoofidly rebuilding the town. “Dash, Mac, I heard you have already fixed a few of the ruined buildings in town, that’s very generous of you.”

“Thanks, Princess,” Dash said.

“They only fixed it because they set off a sonic rainboom inside them! It was really cool,” Pinkie cheered.

“What?” Celestia asked.

“How’d ya set off a rainboom inside a buildin’?” Applejack inquired.

“You see, Applejack, when a stallion and a mare love each other very much, they like to show that love b—” Dash was cut off by Applejack.

“No way! Mac you didn’t!” Applejack accused.

“Eeyup,” Mac replied.

“Great, ah’m never gonna get that image out of my head,” AJ whined.

“Me either,” Dash smiled and nuzzled Mac. It had the intended effect on AJ who was shuddering. Dash stifled her laughter.

“Girls! The princess was speaking,” Twilight interjected.

“Anyway, Mayor, if there is any further restitution needed just let Twilight know. She’ll take care of everything. Now I must be going.” Celestia charged her horn and then vanished in a flash of light.

“Okay then, I have to go take a nap. . . if that’s okay with you,” Fluttershy whispered.

“Fluttershy, darling, what about our spa date?” Rarity asked.

“Oh, well, I have to meet someone,” she whimpered.

“While taking a nap?”

“Also, yes,” Fluttershy muttered. She got up and quietly left.

“One other thing to consider, Twilight. There has been a large increase in hospital admissions. Would you be able to lend them a hoof?” Mayor Mare asked.

“What kind of injuries?” Twilight asked.

“Well, Octavia and Vinyl seem to have ruptured their ear drums using something they called an ‘eight foot subwoofer bed’. Lyra and Bon Bon were carted over after somehow encasing themselves in three feet of solid chocolate. Cranky Doodle needs a hip replaceme—”

“Okay, I get it,” Twilight interrupted. “ I’ll see what healing spells I have available and head over shortly.”

Dash whispered to Big Mac. “Hey, you notice how Applejack and Rare haven’t said a word or looked at each other? You don’t think they. . . you know. Does AJ like mares?”

Mac whispered back. “Ah can’t answer that.”

“Aha!” Dash exclaimed.

“What is it, Dash?” Twilight asked.

“Oh nothing, I just thought Applejack can go to the spa with Rarity instead,” Dash coyly stated.

“What?!” Rarity and Applejack exclaimed.

“Yeah, no need to waste Fluttershy’s appointment. You two can go enjoy each other’s company.”

Both Rarity and Applejack spent a minute opening and closing their mouths wordlessly. They were looking everywhere but at each other. Dash was barely containing the laughter, until finally AJ cracked.

“How in tarnation did ya know? Applejack accused.

“Easy, you just told me.” Dash smiled smugly and let out her laughter.. “Come on, Mac, we should let the love ponies have some quiet time.”

AJ looked ready to burst a blood vessel in her forehead. Meanwhile, Rarity blushed and passed out onto a sofa cushion that appeared out of nowhere.

A faint whirring sound emanated from upstairs. “Oh, it’s time!” Twilight exclaimed, quickly trotting upstairs.

Dash shuddered visibly.

“Ya’ll okay, Dash?” Mac asked.

“Yeah, you don’t want to know,” Dash stated. “Let’s uh. . . talk. Someplace private.”

Dash led Mac outside to the park and sat down on a bench. He joined her, wary at the fact she had stopped smiling.

“Ya’ll alright?” Mac inquired.

“Yeah, I was just thinking, about that whole love spell thing. You’re okay. . . I mean you’re great, and you are the only bachelor in town. . . gah I mean, if we hadn’t of—” Dash sighed, looking around uncomfortably.

“Do ya realize how cute you are when you don’t know what ta say?” Mac complemented.

“Thanks. What I wanna know is, would you have still liked me so much if Luna and Cadance hadn’t been screwing with everypony?” Dash continued to fix her gaze on the horizon.

“Dash,” he calmly spoke. “Ah may be the only single stallion in town, but there’s a hundred o’ mares. And you know what?”

“What.”

“Not one o’ them’s as pretty as you. Don’t need no spells to tell me that.”

Dash blushed at the unexpected compliment. “Thanks, I’m just no good at talking about feelings.”

“An’ ah can hardly talk to strangers, but ah think that’s what is so great about ya. Beneath the element o’ loyalty and the stunt pony, is ah sweet mare. If ah’d a known that ah wouldn’t have waited for ya to ask me out, ah’d of asked you.”

“Then where do we go from here? I never made it this far in a relationship. I usually leave before they wake up. . . I mean, not that I’m that kinda mare. I just uh, you know, only when I was at bars with Vinyl. . . ugh.”

“Let’s go where ever you wanna, as fast or slow as ya feel,” Mac did his best to coo romantically. His deep voice was oddly soothing to listen to, making Dash wish he spoke more often.

“Then let’s stay right here in the park until the sun sets.”

Dash scooted over to Mac and looked him in the eye. She then laid her head down on his shoulder and held onto his hoof. The two stared towards the horizon where the sun would be setting.

Dash noticed how warm he was. She was used to the higher altitudes where it was always cold, and he felt like her own personal heater. Dash continued to shift, suddenly feeling cold when she wasn’t snuggling with him.

Mac noticed how soft she was. Her fur was like the softest hairs on Winona’s belly. Her mane smelled like the fresh air after a big thunderstorm. She pulled herself into his side and he put a leg around her shoulder. He could feel her heart beating, strong and fierce, against his side.

“Y’all feel like ah’m snuggling a soft cloud and ya smell like fresh rain, Dash,” he said.

“Thanks, and uh. . .you’re warm.”

“Eeyup, there’s the Dash ah know.”

The two giggled softly. They sat silhouetted against the setting sun with the town of Ponyville and it’s worries behind them.

Author's Note

Just a quick interlude to let you know the story shall continue!

8a. Rarity's Revelation

A bell jingled softly as the door closed behind Dash.

"Welcome to Carousel Boutique, where every dress is chiq, un—" Rarity smiled as she saw her friend. "Oh Dash! How wonderful of you to visit? What can I help you with?"

"I uh—well I was thinking you being fancy and all—maybe you might, uh. . ." Dash rubbed a hoof behind her head.

"Well, spit it out," Rarity quipped.

"I need help learning how to compliment Big Mac," Dash quickly whispered.

"What? Rainbow Dash asking me to teach her pillow talk? From what I recall, you didn't need to talk much last time you two were around pillows!"

"And I don't recall you talking at all around your fillyfriend Applejack," Dash retorted.

Rarity raised a hoof to her forehead. "Oh, the scandal! If ponies find out about my night at the spa with Applejack, massaging the knots out of her large, muscular legs. . ." She fainted onto her fainting couch.

"Yeah, so you gonna tell me how to come up with better compliments than 'your hair is soft' or not?"

"Well, I suppose it's the least I could do. If you break Mac's heart, AJ says she'll snap your spine. So, we shall do a little roleplay and I will teach you how to melt a stallion in your hooves."

"Wait, roleplay?"

"Yes, we'll pretend we're dating. Now, compliment me."

"Uh, I like your mane."

"Ugh. . . This is going to be: The. Worst. Possible. Day."

"Hey this is your idea not mine."

"Look, like this. Rainbow Dash, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Dash is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon!" Rarity recited.

Dash just stood there with her mouth open. "What did you just call me?"

"Honestly?" she said in disbelief. "Well, let's try the remedial course. You don't just say my mane looks nice, you do it like this: the thousand sparkling colors of your prismatic mane reflect the inner beauty of your heart, Dash. Now, come here and let me probe those velvety lips.' Rarity closed her eyes and puckered her lips.

"Gah!" Dash shouted. "That's like, really creepy Rarity."

"It was pretend Dash."

"You say that now, but I've seen how you look at my flanks!"

"Rainbow Dash! Why I would never. . . okay, how about this: Dash, your eyes are like beautiful magenta donuts." she mocked.

"Oh, that's very nice. And your ears are extra pointy today."

Rarity sighed and shook her head. She slowly counted to ten under her breath.

"Dash, you can't just tell me something I already know. Show me something, make it sound fancy. My ears aren't pointy, they're cute furry mountains amidst a sea of silky purple hair."

She raised a hoof to her head in thought for a moment. "Nope, not seeing it. They're just ears."

"Okay, we're going to try this one last time. Give me an example of something Big Mac said to you."

Dash blushed, which was a relatively rare sight before she had dated Mac. "He said I felt soft as a cloud and smell like fresh rain," she cooed.

"Okay, and what did you say to him?"

Dash sighed. "That he was warm."

"Good, now do you see the difference?"

"Yeah, Big Mac has a better vo-voc. . . is well spoken."

"Dash," Rarity laughed. She stifled herself with a hoof. "I never thought I'd see the day Mac was more literate than you, and the word you were looking for is vocabulary. Now, Mac saw something about you. He didn't see a soft mare, he told you what he feels."

"Okay, so I should tell him what he feels like?" Dash inquired.

"No, you tell him what you feel."

"Ok. . . I tell him I feel like a cloud?"

A small vein on Rarity's head began to throb. "No. . . tell him how you feel about him. Instead of saying he is warm, why not say that you melt when he holds you."

"Oh, I get it! So I should have said he is hot instead of he is warm, like he was gonna melt me!"

"Dash. . . I'm going to count to three and I'd like you to leave before I have a stroke. Might I recommend asking Pinkie for advice?" Rarity said. Her eyebrow was twitching, just like Twilight before a meltdown.

"Uh, sure thing Rare! Bye," Dash chuckled. After getting outside she muttered to herself. "Man, no wonder Blueblood didn't want to date her. I couldn't understand a word she said."

Dash nearly ran into Fluttershy. It was mostly due to her being quiet as a pin dropping onto a cloud in a forest with nopony there to hear it. It was also because she was concentrating hard on finding a poetic way to compliment Big Mac.

"Eep!" Fluttershy squeaked as she stepped out of the way. "Hi Dash. Um. . . what are you thinking about?"

"Huh, oh hi Fluttershy. I'm just trying to find a way to compliment Mac. I'm not very good at mushy stuff, but I sure like mushing our stuff together, haha," Dash chuckled at her lame pun.

"Hmm, well, have you tried imagining him in the sexiest place possible? Then, you tell him exactly why you find him so sexy?"

That's not a bad idea, Dash thought to herself. She tilted her head slightly to the right. Her eyes glanced up into the upper left corner and she stared into the distance above her. . .

***************************************************************

Mac burst through the door to the chamber where Dash was tied up. She lay fastened to a table beneath a giant pit and pendulum.

"Nope, Discord, Dash is mine!" Mac shouted.

"Curses, of all the rotten luck," Discord spat. Several rotten eggs spilled out of his mouth and began to charge Big Mac.

Mac ran forward, sweat dripping from his blond mane and tail. He had fought his way past two dragons and half a dozen wyverns to save Rainbow Dash. He reared up, bringing those gigantic masculine forelegs muscles to bear. With one stomp, he crushed all the rotten eggs, releasing a most foul odor.

Dash?

"Ah won't let ya take my marefriend, Discord! Ah've got the element of loyalty!" Mac shouted.

"Oh, and pray tell, what good will that do you against my army of humans?" Discord snapped his fingers and several hideous, hairless apes appeared.

"About at much good as your face will do against this!" Mac spun around, kicking Discord in the face. He leapt onto the table, freeing Dash, and running out of the castle with her.

Meanwhile, Discord whimpered in the corner for his mommy.

Dash.

"Oh thank you, Mac!" Dash said. She buried her muzzle in his sweat-soaked mane and breathed in deeply. He smelled of fresh dirt, cinnamon apples, and pure sexual-prowess. Dash immediately sensualized and stored that wonderful aroma.

"Take me, Mac, right here in the middle of the Discord's lair. The way your muscles rippled, the fury in those bottomless green eyes, the yolk you haul ever so effortlessly… You are the most handsome stall—"

DASH!

***************************************************************

"Dash!" Fluttershy repeated.

"Huh?"

"Are you okay?" Fluttershy asked.

Dash was suddenly aware she had been day dreaming. She looked herself over quickly. Her wings were stiff, her face and other areas flush with heat, and a hoof had started to wander somewhere it should not have been in public. Fluttershy had pulled her out of the daydream just in time.

"Thanks, Fluttershy. I owe you one, and that day dream was oddly helpful. I may get the hang of this pillow talk thing after all. Say, can you send Discord a letter for me? I might need his help. I want to try and roleplay with Big Mac, so I need Discord to kidnap me."

"Eep!" Fluttershy hid herself behind her mane. "I, um. . . well. . . he isn't really allowed to do that. But um, if it's alright with you. . . I've been uh, spending time with Luna and. . . and maybe she could fix you two up a special dream?"

"Fluttershy? Are you blushing and daydreaming now?" Dash peeked around her pink mane to find her lip trembling.

"Huh? No, I have to go, bye!" Fluttershy scurried away from Dash.

"And she thinks I'm weird."

Dash turned and decided it'd be better to fly than walk to Sugarcube Corner. She was less likely to get sidetracked that way. It only took ten seconds to fly to Pinkie's house and knock on her window. The window flew open.

"Dash!" Pinkie cheered. She grabbed the pegasus and yanked her into the room.

"Whoa, Pinkie!" she complained.

"I'm so glad you came by! I was just telling Gummy that we should have a sleepover but I couldn't choose who to invite first!"

"I've got a date tonight, sorry."

Pinkie gasped, eyes wide as dinner plates. "You're not. . ."

"Hey, mind out of the gutter. Also, not your business." Dash stuck her tongue out.

"Okie dokie loki! What can I help you with?"

"Pillow talk."

"Oh, you want to learn to speak pillow? I always thank my pillow for being so fluffy, it even helps hide my cupcakes from Gummy!"

"Not talk to a pillow, I mean talk like. . . romantic to Big Mac. I want our fourth date to be special."

"Hmm, it'll be hard to top your first date. . . Have you tried just being yourself?" Pinkie inquired.

"Huh?" Dash replied. "I am being myself, I just need to be myself and say something cooler than 'oh Mac, your mane is so blonde!' "

"But his mane is so blonde!"

"Don't you ever forget what you want to say around Braeburn?"

"Hmm. . . nope! I always have lots of things to say, and Braeburn likes it. Even if I'm always super hyper from all the cupcakes, that's who I am, and Braeburn loves me for it."

"Interesting. . . so you're saying Mac probably likes it when I can't think of something awesome to say?"

"Eeyup!" Pinkie responded. "It's our quirks that make us unique! I hear you like when he's all sweaty and hugs you and gets it all over your mane! Tank says you don't even shower after he gets you sweaty!"

"What?!" Dash exclaimed. "I . . . how. . . Tank?"

"Want me to teach you to talk turtle after I teach you to talk pillow?"

"Tortoise" Dash corrected.

"Tomato, potatoe, umberto, manifesto," Pinkie blurted out.

"How can you give me such great advice and be so random at the same time?" Dash inquired.

"That's easy! It's just Pinkie being Pinkie!"

Dash sighed and shrugged her head. "Thanks, Pinkie." She flew out the window and headed for Sweet Apple Acres.

It didn't take her long to find Applejack, however Mac was nowhere in sight. Perhaps she could have some fun with the orange farmpony until Mac returned.

"Howdy Applejack, ah reckon ya'll know where Mac is?" Dash mocked.

"What in tarnation? He's in town, and if ya keep mocking me you're liable to end up in that there mud," Applejack quipped.

"Heh, no hard feelings. I just need advice on pillow talk. Somehow, Big Mac is like twice as good as me at it!"

"He always was a big softie. So, ya want my advice on pillow talk?" Applejack inquired.

"Yes. Can you tell me how you pillow talk to Rarity? Here, I'll roleplay Rarity." Dash grinned widely as she hovered in front of AJ.

Applejack's mouth flopped up and down for a moment as she blushed. It was rare for her to be left speechless. "Ah. . . we. . . just friends?"

"No no, Darling," Dash imitated. "Like this: Oh Applejack, your flanks are so curvy and fancy and I want to just gobble them up!"

"Ya'll quit it! Ain't funny."

"Hmm. . . Please, cover me in the mud, Applejack. I've been a dirty fashionista!"

Applejack looked over at the large patch of mud. With all the rain they had lately, the pig pen had turned into a giant mud pit. Applejack's eyes glinted with her mischief.

"Ya'll are Right, Rarity dear, why don't ah punish ya." Turning slowly, she smiled widely at Dash and pulled her in closer.

"No, wait Applejack it was a—"

Applejack flipped Dash into the mud pit. "Ain't so funny now, huh Rarity."

Dash sprung up and yanked Applejack into the mud. "That's it, let's go Applejack," Dash laughed.

"Ah been waitin' for a rematch since the last iron pony competition!" Applejack chuckled. "Last one standing wins!"

The two began to wrestle in the mud. It was a heated battle that would live on in the folklore of Ponyville for decades to come. Pegasi had already started to gather to watch, as Big Mac returned to the farm with Dr. Whooves. That, however, is a story for another time.

Author's Note

Thanks for your patience. If you're wondering why the long delay in updates, blame my other story,Twilight's Dollhouse, that's so awesome I can't stop typing it. Next update will be longer, this was just to prove I'm not dead, yet.

Next time on Big Mac: Mac searches for a special gift and way to woo Dash on their fourth date. How can he say or do something to show her how much she truly means to him? Will he break up the mud fight, or enjoy the show?

9. How I Met Your Mother

“Now kids, to tell you the story of how I met your mother, I need to go back to the summer of ‘69. It was a hot day on Sweet Apple Acres. . .”

“Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” Twilight asked.

“That I’d have kicked her flank if Big Mac hadn’t stopped me,” Dash replied.

Mac chuckled, looking around the picnic table. Applejack still had mud in her mane, Dash had a few bruises, Twilight looked like an angry librarian, and Whooves had vanished. Come to think of it, Dash was really hot. Mac caught himself staring at her unkempt mane, with little clumps of dried mud in it. Her feathers, which she would probably need a hoof cleaning.

“And you, Applejack! Fighting in the mu—”

“Dash, ya ever taught an earth pony to preen?” Mac asked.

The three mares all turned and stared at Mac as if he had just grown a large tumor on his nose that was singing the Equestrian anthem. Applejack looked on, eyes wide in shock. Twilight tilted her head as if studying what Mac had said in preparation for a research paper.

Dash, meanwhile, was much easier to read. She had raised one eyebrow and her mouth was agape. “Why would an earth pony need to preen? They don’t have wings.”

Applejack laughed loudly, falling backwards off the picnic table bench. Twilight was jotting something down in a notebook, and Mac had blushed, turning even redder.

“What’s so funny?” Dash huffed. She hovered up over the table, forelegs crossed, and stared at Applejack.

“He—Mac—” Applejack was pounding a hoof on the ground, unable to stop laughing. This drove Mac to slump his head on the table and groan.

Dash floated there for another second before gasping out loud. “Oh! He means my wings? That—I uh. . .”

“Fascinating,” Twilight observed. “I’m going to have to put this in a friendship report. The proper application of a hogtie and an awkward remark has ended your conflict with Applejack.”

“Eeyup,” Mac chimed in. “Why don’t we go get ya cleaned up.”

“Thanks, but I’d rather shower at my house. See you later, stud,” Dash said. She chuckled and flew off towards her house.

Mac frowned. “Ah wish ah could visit her house sometime.”

“That can be arranged,” Twilight said. “With the hot air balloon and a cloud walking spell, of course.”

“Oh no, ain’t no self-respectin’ Apple gonna be moving in a cloud house. Our place is here on the ground, Mac.”

Mac grinned at his sister. “Don’t worry, ah only plan to stay a few hours, six tops.”

Applejack face hoofed before stomping away to clean herself up.

“Now you see, kids, back then your aunt Dash hadn’t let her secret out of the stable. It wasn’t until she got a surprise visit with the help of your mother that Mac learned the truth.”

Twilight dropped Mac off at the front door of Dash’s house. She agreed to read a book in the weather balloon until he was finished visiting.

Mac snuck into the cloud house on the tips of his hooves. Between the soft clouds and his stealthy walking, he didn’t make much noise for such a massive, muscular stallion. It took some searching but he finally found Dash in her room, doing the most unexpected of things.

“You’re so pretty, I’m sure he’ll love it!” Dash cooed at herself in the mirror.

Mac’s jaw hit the floor at what he saw.

Dash stood there in a form-fitting black maid’s dress. It attached at her shoulders and had a small drape over her wings. The dress tightened over her flank, highlighting the curves. The white undergarment draped out to the sides of her tail, curling up into frilly lace.

On each hoof she had a polished black horseshoe, and white socks with black fishnet woven into them. On her head was a maid’s cap, matching the rest of the uniform perfectly down to the flowers stitched around the rim. In her mouth was a duster as she made a show of cleaning an imaginary bookshelf.

Dash raised her flank high in the air as she dusted the bottom shelf. Her plot came into full view as she waved her tail invitingly, still unaware of her house guest.

It was too much for Mac to handle. His legs turned to rubber and he collapsed onto his rump. “Whoa.”

“Gah!” Dash screamed. Without looking who was behind her, she had sprinted and flown out the window. Seconds later there was a loud boom, shaking the house, and a wave of color flooded through the window.

“Now kids, I’ve never lied to you! Honestly, Rainbow Dash, captian of the Wonderbolts, secretly loves wearing frou frou dresses!

“I know that I lied about Santa Claws, who eats naughty children. . . and the Easter Pony, and the Demon Griffin of Fleece Street. . .

“Look, the point is, your mother asked me to help search for Dash. Mac was worried, and after he uh. . . ‘took a cold shower’, he set off to find his special somepony.”

Dash peeked her head out of the bushes. There were two ponies in the distance. One was Twilight, the other a stallion. She would have taken the maid’s outfit off, but she didn’t want to lose it. Dash had a heck of a time buying the girly outfit without a single pony she knew seeing her buy it. She’d be damned if she surrendered her favorite vice to save her image, therefore, she had to get back home and find out who caused her to panic.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid! That was probably Pinkie, and she’s probably told the whole town already! Or worse, what if Applejack finds out?” Dash said.

Twilight wandered into the distance after giving up on finding Dash on this end of Ponyville.

Dash took off towards the house with her maid outfit on, intent on changing out of it and then figuring out which of her friends had caught her in the act of doing something girly.

She landed in her room, and the lights flipped on. Dash almost bolted back out the window when she saw Big Mac there.

“Ah figured you’d come back ta hide after ah sent Twilight away,” he said.

“It’s not what it looks lik—what are you doing in a tuxedo?”

Mac chuckled. “Ah think it’s obvious, ah borrowed a butler’s outfit from Braeburn. Now we can roleplay a maid and a butler, and judgin’ by how dirty this room is, y’all are a very naughty maid.”

Dash blushed. “But this isn’t me! I’m too cool to wear dresses and I didn’t want anypony to know—”

“My lips are sealed. Besides, have ya seen how good your flank looks in that skirt?”

“Damn straight I have!” Dash laughed as the nervousness melted away. “I guess a little roleplay wouldn’t hurt.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Why hello there, Maid, how are ya?” the Butler asked.

“I’m good. Say, did you hear the master is out on a hunting trip?” the maid replied.

Grinning, the Butler stepped into the room. “Indeed, hunting for nubile young mares, no doubt. Have you heard about his latest mistress?”

“Yes Ma—Butler, I hear she has had a dozen lovers in as many weeks.” The Maid took two steps towards the butler.

He looked around, clearly unimpressed. “What a pitiful library, does the master only read cheesy action books? And he has clearly never heard of interior decorating.”

The maid stomped a hoof. “Hey! My—The Master’s house looks splendid! I bet it looks way cooler then the dump you must live in, good Butler.”

The Butler ran his hoof along a shelf made of cloud, bringing up a thick coat of dust. “If I used you to clean it, it would look like a dump.”

The maid leapt over to slap him, and he caught her hoof. “You take that back!”

“You’ve been a very naughty maid. Now, as the Butler it is my duty to tie you to that bed and show you the proper way to use a duster.”

Mac the Butler pinned Dash the Maid to the bed, and proceeded to sti—

“What do you mean, kids? Of course this is important to the story! If it hadn’t been for Dash and Mac’s night of kinky roleplaying, “Wonderbolts and Farmhands”, the award winning dice-based board game would never have been invented. If that hadn’t been invented, I never would have beaten your mother in round four of the tournament. And, if I hadn’t beaten her, she’d never have accepted my hoof in marriage!

“Fine! I was going to tell you all the kinky details now that you’re old enough. You can both go to bed without super, and don’t try asking Spike to sneak you some donuts again! We have you on a scientifically formulated diet to ensure you grow up as healthy young babies of Princess Twilight.”

10. Crusader's Chapter

Mac and Dash slumped into the booth in the bar just after midnight. Mac poured a few shots of vodka, and they began to drink them.

“Celestia have mercy, that was one hell of a night,” Dash said.

“Eeyup.”

Mr. Cake put down his appletini and Braeburn finished off his long island iced tea as they walked over to their booth.

“What was one hell of a night?” Mr. Cake asked.

Pinkie Pie bounced up and put an arm over her uncle and her lover. “Yeah! It was the third date. Did you get to home base? I mean, if you did I probably would have felt in on account of Dash’s orgasms exploding lik—”

“Pinkie!” everypony shouted in unison.

“Seriously, has that mare ever heard of manners?” a familiar voice chimed.

“Shh, Rare, they’ll know we’re here!” an equally familiar voice whispered.”

Pinkie’s nose twitched and she jumped in the air gasping. “Oh my gosh! Rarity and Applejack are finally on a date! Yes! Yes!”

Rarity revealed herself from the booth in the corner. “Really, Pinkie, I believe Dash and Mac have a story to tell. Maybe you could keep it down a bit so we can listen?”

Further in the corner, Applejack was hiding her face under her wide brimmed stetson.

“Eeyup. We just had our third official date, and on account o’ the crusaders beggin’ to help, things went south,” Mac said.

“You could have said no,” Dash stated.

Mac raised an eyebrow. “Ya don’t say? Ya saw that look on Scootaloo’s face, could ya have told her no? Besides, they just wanted to make up for the love poison.”

The ponies pulled up chairs and got comfortable to hear about Mac and Dash’s third date. . .

“So, girls, you’re working on a school project?” Twilight asked.

“Yeah! We need a cookbook, a reference guide on potion making, and a mortar and pestle.” Sweetie jumped up and grabbed a cookbook on a nearby shelf, causing several books to topple onto the floor.

Twilight laughed. “Calm down, that sounds perfectly normal to me. Here you go, one book on Potions and You, a cookbook, and some supplies.”

“Thanks, Twilight.” Scootaloo smiled and hugged her foreleg.

“Aww, that’s the magic of friendship! Run along now and have fun writing that essay!”

Once outside, they threw the supplies in the wagon and got ready to take off. “Cutie Mark Crusader Love Makers Take Two! YAY!”

“I didn’t know there was a gazebo in the park,” Dash said.

“Eeyup.”

The couple walked into the gazebo and took a seat. There were several covered dishes, and three innocent, wide-eyed crusaders in miniature tuxedos.

“Whoa,” Dash stated. “When you said the crusaders wanted to apologize for the whole love potion thing, you weren’t kidding. But are you sure this is a good idea?”

Mac chuckled. “All they did was cook food, no potions or anything right girls?”

The crusaders leaned in together, smiling. “Nope!”

Dash lifted up the cover over her dish. Underneath was a fresh garden salad, with every vegetable from asparagus to zucchini on it. “Thanks, it looks uh. . . nice.”

Mac lifted up the cover on his dish, finding a large tofu steak, deep fried onion rings, and extra crispy hay fries. He took one whiff and smiled. “Eeyup.”

“No way! Why’d I get stuck with the stup—uh—stupendous salad? Here, Mac, I’ll trade!”

“But I—” Dash swapped their plates and licked her lips, eying the deep fried food with envy. “—love tofu,” Mac finished.

“I’ll make it up to you later.” Dash winked, and Mac happily began to eat his salad.

“Cutie Mark Crusader Chefs yay!” the fillies shouted.

Dash gobbled up the onion rings and drank some of the apple cider. They were drinking it from bottles made at Sweet Apple Acre. She rarely got any cider during cider season, but Mac was in charge of the Apple Family’s private reserve.

Mac, on the other hoof, munched on the many exotic vegetables in his salad. There was the green one, the dark green one, the light green one, and who could forget the red vegetable? At least they were high in fiber.

The crusaders were whispering to each other as they enjoyed their meals. Eventually Dash relinquished some of her hay fries to Mac. For dessert the two shared some fresh apple pie.

“Whew, it’s getting hot out here,” Dash observed. She leaned back as a giant flying rainbow snake flew by in the air. Her pupils widened until they hid her irises completely. “Radical! Mac, there’s a flying rainbow lady!”

Mac tilted his head to the side, noticing the crusaders gasping, and whispering frantically. “Girls, what did ya do?”

“Nothing! I mean something! I mean it was only supposed to be an aphrodisiac!” Sweetie explained.

“Ah’m gonna count ta three and I want ya—I want—” Mac felt his jaws tighten and his head ache. His normally flat canine teeth lengthened out, turning into fangs.

“Apple Bloom! You mixed up the formulas! We need to get Twilight quick!” Scootaloo shouted.

“Ah didn’t mix ‘em up, ah made mine perfect, see? Dash is gettin’ sweaty just like in the pictures,” Apple Bloom retorted.

“Girls,” Mac said.

“Yes?” Sweetie answered.

“I vant to suck your vlood,” he replied.

“Heh, funny,” Sweetie said.

Mac lurched forward and grabbed Sweetie Belle. He bit into her neck, and began drinking her blood. She flailed wildly in his grasp.

“Get off her, meanie!” Scootaloo got a running start and bucked Mac in the nose. He dropped Sweetie, and the three crusaders ran for their lives.

This left a very confused Dash examining her hooves. They were covered in spiders that had the heads of her best friends on them.

“Fun fun fun!” the pink spider said. It was spinning a web around her hoof, causing a tickling feeling.

“This isn’t scientifically possible!” the purple spider said.

“Haha, egghead!” Dash replied.

A giant komodo dragon lurched forward, fangs bared, and grabbed Dash. “Oh no you don’t!” she shouted. Dash punched the komodo dragon in the nose, causing him to explode into a wave of confetti.

She turned and flew off into the nearest cloud of whipped cream. Dash landed on it, only to discover it was sauerkraut. She looked for the nearest gingerbread house to hide in from the scary komodo dragon.

Mac looked up at the delicious cyan pegasus. He wanted to confess his undying love for her, to marry her, and make her his vampire wife. Unfortunately, he couldn’t catch her.

Then it hit him. Vinyl Scratch was always drinking Red Bull™. That energy drink would give Mac the wings he needed to catch, rape, and then marry Dash! Since Vinyl drank a dozen cans a day, he just needed to drink her blood and he’d grow wings. It was such a brutally stupid plan it just had to work!

Mac charged off towards town, passing right by the bush the scared crusaders were hiding in.

“Oh, we really did it this time, guys!” Sweetie said. She was reading from the potion book to see where they went wrong. “Instead of Love Everlasting, we brewed Lysergic Acid! And instead of the Vitality Doubler we brewed the Vampire Cursed Elixir!”

“We’ve got to get Twilight to help fix this! I bet we’ll get a cutie mark for admitting our mistake,” Scootaloo said.

“No! We got ta fix it ourselves, so we can get our vampire huntin’ cutie marks,” Applebloom replied.

Sweetie face hoofed. “But Apple Bloom, you have to kill the vampire with a wooden stake to get a cutie mark! Every pony knows that.”

“Well, ah got grounded for a month last time and ah ain’t gettin’ caught again! My fur still smells like manure from sloughing the pig shed!”

“Then there’s only one option left: Fluttershy,” Scootaloo said. The other fillies gasped.

“You don’t mean. . . the stare?” Sweetie asked.

“Yes. The stare.”

Dash giggled as she watched the talking cauliflower, orange, and chicken below. “Silly chicken, every poultry knows that vegetables and fruits don’t talk!”

She kicked off the cloud and flew towards the nearby building made out of candy canes. There were classic red and white, red and green, and even rainbow colored. Dash flew to the nearest rainbow candy cane and began licking it.

“Hurry girls, Dash is licking that building.” Sweetie lead the charge as they ran over to stop Dash.

She was clinging to the side of a half-constructed house, licking a large four by four of wood. When the fillies reached her and tried to pull her down by her tail, she curled up even tighter around the four by four.

“Get back! This is my candy cane!” Dash shouted.

“No it’s not! It’s a piece of wood. Sweetie, does the book say how to cure this?” Scootaloo asked.

“Yeah, we need to make a wolfsbane potion,” Sweetie asked.

Apple Bloom put her hooves on the book and flipped the page. “What about ma brother?”

“Well, we’ll need garlic, and lots of it.”

“You go get that stuff ready, we’ll keep an eye on Dash,” Scootaloo stated.

Sweetie ran off to get the antidotes.

Apple Bloom turned her head towards the source of some nearby screaming. Vinyl was running down the road, flinging anything she could get her magic on behind her. From her neck were two small wounds where Mac had bit her.

Twenty feet behind her, and gaining, was Big Mac. His eyes had turned red and his skin was becoming pale. Just as he was about to get Vinyl, Octavia jumped out from behind a corner with her cello.

“Oh no you don’t!” Octavia shouted. She swung the cello, hitting Big Mac in the face and shattering the instrument.

“Thank Celestia!” Vinyl tackled Octavia in a hug and began kissing her. “Thank you! Thank you thank you thank you!”

Mac stood up and smiled, revealing his fangs. The two ponies ran for their lives from him. Before he could chase them, Derpy trotted around the corner and bumped into him.

“Oh, hi Big Mac. How are you today?” she asked.

“No, Derpy, run you fool!” Scootaloo shouted.

Mac grabbed her and bit into her neck, and began drinking Derpy’s blood.

“We need ta get Fluttershy to use the stare and fast!” Apple Bloom observed.

“There’s no time.” Scootaloo began buzzing her wings. “We’ve got to distract him ourselves!”

“But ah don’t want ta get bit!”

“What are ya? Chicken?”

Scootaloo ran right at Mac. This time he saw her coming, and released Derpy. Just as Scootaloo spun to kick him in the muzzle, he grabbed her and bit her flank.

“Ahh! Oh Celestia! Is this how it all ends?!”

“Get your hands off my friend, mister!” Apple Bloom shouted.

Mac tilted his head. “Sis?” He dropped Scootaloo to the ground. “You look tasty.”

“Think again, pal!” She spun around and bucked him in the nose, causing him fall to the ground dizzy.

Dash laughed as she watched the rabbit and stalk of corn fight each other. Eventually the rabbit and the chicken ran away, leaving the ear of corn rolling around on the floor. She decided she needed a drink and looked around. Across the street was a giant pool of sunshine. Butterflies floated around it while the surface of the water sparkled.

Sweetie returned just in time to see Dash drinking out of a muddy pit in Cheerilee’s garden. She tiptoed over with the potion in her mouth.

Dash turned and saw a miniature Luna standing before her. In her mouth was was a can of Dr. Pony. “Oh, Woona, you’re so cute! Yes you are!”

Sweetie gulped and closed her eyes as Dash lunged at her.

“And you brought me a Dr. Pony! How did you know?” Dash drank the potion in one gulp.

“Bleh! It’s warm! Wha—How—Hooooooooowwwwwllll,” Dash howled.

“Uh oh,” Sweetie said. She held up the clove of garlic she had found. “Suddenly I don’t think this plan is going to work.”

Dash began scratching behind her ear, and then sprinted off towards a nearby empty field. When Big Mac caught a scent of her, he sprinted off after her.

The two reached the clearing where they had some privacy.

Weredash smiled, and began grooming her shaggy brown coat. As the first werewolf in known history, she had to look her best.

Vampire Mac trotted over casually, licking his lips clean of blood.

“Hooooow are you, handsome” Dash asked.

“Vonderful. I have never seen such veauty,” Mac answered.

She glanced back at her tail which had turned grey. Dash turned around and waved her tail out of the way, letting Mac see her plot. “I know they will say our love is not meant to be. . . but I want you to put the stallion who mounts the world inside me!”

“Then, I shall suck your vlood and ve vill live together forever!” Mac said.

Scootaloo, Apple Bloom, and Sweetie Belle crept up on the duo to see what was going on.

“Hey, Sweetie, did the cure work?” Scootaloo asked.

She shook her head. “Nope, I think it turned Dash into a werewolf.”

“And Mac is still a vampire?” Apple Bloom asked.

“Yep. Hey, what’s he doing?” Sweetie asked.

The girls gasped. “Are vampires supposed to have five legs?” Scootaloo asked.

“I don’t think that’s his le—”

Scootaloo hid her eyes under her hooves.

“The horror! The horror!” Apple Bloom managed to peel her eyes away. “Why would he tackle her with that?!”

Sweetie vomited and pulled the girls in close. They huddled in the bush together, horrified at what they had just witnessed.

“What is seen can’t be unseen,” Scootaloo muttered.

“Girls, we are never going to mention this again,” Sweetie said.

“Agreed,” they answered in unison.

“Hold on a second,” Derpy said. “Even I’m not dumb enough to loan the crusaders books on making potions. You expect me to believe Twilight would?”

A nervous laughter broke out from the back of the room. Everypony turned around and saw Twilight slinking towards the exit.

“What?” she said. “I was uh—they gave me the puppy dog eyes!”

“So, you mean it really did happen?” Lyra asked.

Dash looked around, noticing that the bar was now packed with towns ponies who had wanted to hear their story.

“It sure is.” Vinyl pulled off her scarf. “I got the bite marks to prove it. Though, if Dash is okay with it, you can drop by me and Octavia’s bedroom tonight for round two.”

Mac blushed and buried his head in his hooves.

“But if you two did the horizontal holky polky wouldn’t there have been a rainbow explosion? Like KABOOM! BANG BASH AHHHH RUN FOR YOUR LIVES?!” Pinkie asked.

Dash smirked. “Have you seen Applejack’s east orchard? It was in range of the blast waves. Werewolves and Vampires are supernatural after all.”

The ponies began murmuring.

“Y’all are makin’ this up, aren’t ya?” Applejack said.

“Yeah! Vinyl must be in on it. How did the crusaders cure you?” Lyra asked.

Cheerilee stepped forward. “She’s right, you’re making this all up.”

Dash chuckled. “Hey, who in their right mind would want to make up stories about Mac and me?”

11. A Modest Proposal

Big Mac pulled a seat out for Dash, and she quickly sat down. Despite dating for a while, she still wasn’t used to things like fancy restaurants, or Celestia forbid, wearing a frou frou dress.

Big Mac sat down, and together they surveyed the restaurant. Ratatouille was a new restaurant in town, but tonight it was only half full. Dash began nibbling on a bread stick absent-mindedly as they waited for their waiter.

Tonight was the night he was going to ask her the big question. He had spent an entire week barely getting any sleep as he stayed up, imagining all the ways she could say no. Eventually he had decided it was time to put his big colt pants on, pony up, and ask her.

The waiter came to take their order, then left.

“So, that was a fun story we made up to mess with all the towns ponies,” Dash said.

“Eeyup.”

“The whole vampire idea you came up with was hilarious.”

“Eeyup.”

Dash raised an eyebrow. “Are you okay?”

“Eeyup.”

Dash looked around for some cause of his nervousness. “I don’t get it, why are you nervous?”

“Ah uh—”

The waiter came back and set their food down on the table.

“Ah would like the wings, they’re my favorite,” Mac said.

Dash pouted and looked down at the friccased meal in front of them. “Aww, but you know I love the wings. Plus, it tastes like chicken, so it won’t go to my hips.”

“Fine, ah’ll take one wing but ah get three legs!”

“Fine, and I get the breasts!”

Dash reached down and plucked the apple out of Scootaloo’s mouth. She then tore off a wing and dug in. Big Mac joined her and in a few minutes they had devoured the young filly whole.

Mac smiled, and pulled out the bracelet his father had given to his mother. “Dash, will ya marry me?”

Dash frowned. “No, I won’t.”

Mac’s mouth flew wide open. “What?”

“You’re the main course, and I never marry dinner.”

He felt something hit him over the back of the head, and was dragged back into the kitchen.

“Aaahh!” Big Mac yelled. He woke up in his bed, sweating and with his sheets thrown everywhere. Once he realized it was just a nightmare he slowly began to calm down.

“Ya gotta be kiddin me, just ask her already!” Apple Bloom shouted from the next room over.

“Apple Bloom, get yer caboose back in bed!” Applejack shouted.

“All of ya are gonna hush or ah’ll grab my walker and beat ya with it!” Granny yelled.

“Eeyup,” Mac whispered.

His family was great, but didn’t appreciate being woken up in the middle of the night.

The evening had an eerie feel to it as he met Dash for dinner. He pulled out her chair and went to sit down. If he hadn’t pinched himself twice, Big Mac might have thought this was another dream. He checked the pocket on his coat again to make sure the bracelet was still there.

“This dress is kinda itchy. I think Rarity is still upset about me making fun of her and Applejack, and did it on purpose,” Dash said.

A brown stallion walked up. “Welcome to Ratatouille. May I get you something to drink, or some appetizers?”

“Oh, I’ll have Scootaloo,” Dash said.

“What?” Mac replied. He gulped nervously, and smiled.

“I’m getting tomato juice, you want any?”

Mac chuckled. “Sure. Can ah get some garlic bread too.”

“Coming right up,” the waiter said.

The two sat there looking at each other. Mac could feel the sweat forming on his brow, and Dash was watching him like a hawk. He had to start a conversation to reduce the tension until after dinner.

“So, how’s the weather?” Big Mac asked. He kicked himself mentally for such a silly question.

“Good. We’re scheduling sun tomorrow and partly sunny the rest of the week with a forty percent chance of rain,” Dash explained.

Mac chuckled again. “Ah never got that, how’s it a forty percent chance of rain if ya control the weather?”

“Easy,” Dash answered. “We have a twenty-sided dice we roll to decide if it rains or not. It needs to be about. . . twelve or higher to rain. If it rolls a twenty, then we start a flash flood.”

“Ya can’t be serious,” Mac said. “That’s gotta be the craziest thing ah heard, and ah’m datin’ you!”

She broke out laughing and brushed her mane out of her face when she was done. “Yeah, we just flip a coin.”

The waiter returned with their tomato juice and garlic bread. “Are you ready to order?”

“I’ll have the hay fry nacho supreme,” Dash said.

The waiter looked baffled and glanced at Big Mac.

“Dash, ah don’t think they do that here.”

“What, I get all dressed up and I can’t have some hay fries?”

“I can bring you hay fries, but one does not simply order nachos at a five hoof restaurant,” The waiter stated. He lifted his nose up in the air.

“Okay, then lots of hay fries and what ever salad has the most cheese, croutons, and fresh alfalfa in it,” Dash said.

“A petunia, daffodil, and chrysanthemum sandwich for me, with extra pickles,” Big Mac stated.

Dash laughed. “Look at you, getting all fancy and taking me to a frou frou dinner at the last minute.”

“I’ll be right back,” the waiter said.

“Eeyup.”

“You aren’t dying or something are you? Because we’ve got the Iron Pony competition coming up, and I’ll need you to help me train.”

“Nope,” he answered. “Ah just wanted ta treat ya to a special dinner.”

“Okay,” she said. “But I’ve got my eye on you.”

Big Mac took a bite of the garlic bread and realized how dry his throat was getting. He drank some of his tomato juice and watched Dash eat her own bread.

Dash couldn’t think of anything to talk about. Normally she didn’t have to try so hard, they just each did their own thing. But tonight he seemed on edge, and it was making her nervous. Just the suspicion something was up threw a wrench into what little she had learned about dating.

“So, grow any new vegetables lately?” Dash asked.

“Nope.”

“Uh, still got asparagus in the field?”

Mac shook his head. “It was givin Applejack some mighty fierce smelling uri—ah mean, nope.”

Dash chuckled. “Okay then, what about the Crusaders? They manage to make it a week without wrecking your barn?”

“Eeyup.”

“That’s good, I just hope it stays that way.

The waiter returned and sat their food down. As he lifted the lid, Mac saw Scootaloo sitting there for a second before he shook his head and cleared the nightmare from his mind. It was just a very large sandwich, cut diagonally, with no crust. There were herbs and decorative leaves around it, and three pickle slices on the side.

Dash looked down at her salad and her eyes lit up in joy. Before her sat a large salad with extra cheese, extra croutons, plenty of ranch dressing, and a side of hay fries. Instead of lettuce, it just had tons of alfalfa.

She dumped the hay fries in the salad and mixed them together, barely keeping herself from drooling. While Mac tried to find a polite way to eat his fancy sandwich, Dash began shoveling salad into her mouth with her fork.

Mac smiled, thinking about how cute she was when she ate like a slob. The fact she wasn’t ladylike was one of the things he liked about her. And yet, when she decided to put on a dress or style her mane, she became more beautiful than Celestia herself. There was just something about that roguish charm hiding the beautiful mare underneath that let him know he couldn’t live without her.

Dash looked up and finished chewing her food. “Hey ya gonna eat or what?”

Mac glanced down and saw his sandwich hadn’t been started. “Eeyup.” He lifted the first half up and began to eat it.

They continued to enjoy dinner until only a few bits of food were left, and the waiter brought them out some champagne.

“Oh, nice. You know, we should go to a club after this,” Dash said.

“Ah think ah’d like that, but ya may change your mind when ya hear what I have to say,” Mac explained.

Dash gulped. She knew this had been too good to be true. He had brought her here to break up with her! Or, maybe he was gay, or couldn’t have kids, or was a spy! It was horrible, and she had been having nightmares about what would happen if half the rumors the town was spreading were true.

Mac got up and walked around the table. He knelt down in front of her, and reached into his pocket.

Dash’s mind froze, stuck in a loop of omigosh omigosh omigosh omigosh! The pieces were finally clicking together.

“Dash, ah spent my whole life plowin’ fields and bein’ alone, and ah didn’t think there was any other way o’ livin’. Then ya started hanging round my sis and ah saw all that energy ya had, your personality, your beauty. That was when ah knew ah had to get ta know ya, and even though it took me a while ta get the courage, ah’m glad ah did. Now ah know there’s no way ah could live my life without ya.”

Big Mac pulled out a golden hoof bracelet. “Will ya marry me?”

Dash’s breath caught in her throat as time seemed to slow down. She felt the eyes of every patron in the restaurant staring at her, but couldn’t tear her eyes away from Big Mac and his engagement bracelet.

“Yes! Omigosh yes!” Dash shouted. She dove on top of Big Mac hugging him

“What’d she say?”

“She said yes. How couldn’t you hear that, Pinkie?”

“Well Applejack and Rarity were smooching too loud”

“Were not!”

“Were to!”

“Um. . . quiet down?”

Dash stopped hugging Big Mac and turned to face the whispering voices that had sounded so familiar. She returned her attention to him as she felt the bracelet slide over her hoof and click into place.

“This is so awesome! Come on, let’s go get Twilight to put the cloud walking spell on you and you can spend the night at my place,” Dash said.

Mac gulped. “Eeyup!”

“Oh this is so awesome! They’re going to make baby rainboom—”

“Pinkie!”

“What? It’s ju—oh no, twitchy knee!”

The tablecloth was thrown back at the nearby table. Dash floated there with her hooves crossed and saw her five friends huddled underneath the table, eavesdropping.

Twilight grinned sheepishly. “I uh—it’s Rarity’s idea! She bribed the jeweler to find out Mac’s plan, and wanted us to all come watch you get engaged!”

“It was not—”

“Hush, Rarity,” Applejack said. “Hey, sugar cube, congratulations!”

Dash laughed. “Damn right congratulations!” She dove down into a large group hug with her friends. “I’m so glad you’re all here, this calls for a party. Then I have to take Mac to my place for some ‘hot coffee’!”

Author's Note

Edited by: Abcron
Written during my one-shot week.

8b. Whoovian Wisdom and Mud Wrestling

Mac had an enjoyable moment with Dash on the park bench. The two had finally said goodbye to meet up later at Sweet Apple Acres. Big Mac had some work to do. He seemed to be the more capable of the two when it came to expressing his feelings. He chuckled, recalling he could barely talk to mares before Dash forced his hoof.

Mac decided to seek out a little advice on how to woo the fairer sex. He wanted nothing more than to really get to know Dash, to be something more than just a special somepony. The only problem was, he’d never taken a relationship that far. How would he know how to get there? How would he figure out what to do next?

Perhaps the best pony to ask is Braeburn. His relationship with Pinkie isn’t much older, I bet he’ll remember what to do next.

Mac made his way over to Sugarcube Corner, finding Braeburn sitting on a chair outside. His hooves were resting up on the rail of a porch, a porch he must have recently installed outside the back door. His cowpony hat rested over his face, shielding his eyes from the sun as he slowly rocked in the rocking chair.

“Evenin’, Braeburn.”

“Howdy, Mac,” he replied.

“Can ya give me advice again?” Mac asked.

Braeburn lifted his hat up, placing it back on top of his head. “Depends on what you need advice on. Never was any good math or cookin’.”

Mac chuckled. “Ah want to be. . . more with Dash. Ah want what you and Pinkie have got.”

“Well, I think you’re in luck,” he replied with a smile. “Dash is a fine mare to go steady with, even marry if y’all play your cards right. Lucky for you, your pal Braeburn has never lost a game of poker in his life.” His smile became a wicked grin.

A faint blush was fading from Mac’s face after the last comment. “So, how do I woo her?”

“Woo? I thought you were going to ask for new positions to use so you don’t blow down half the town.”

Mac’s blush was neither faint nor escapable. He looked to the side and traced a circle in the dirt with his hoof.

Braeburn chuckled slightly. “I kid, I kid. Y’all don’t expect us to forget being ejected from our home in the middle of the night so easy, do ya?” He elbowed Mac in the side.

“ ‘Spose not.”

“So, you want to woo her I think first things first. Y’all keep doing what you're doing. Be yourself. Make sure she knows whan y’all spend time together, that she’s the only mare, the most special mare, ya know.”

“Doesn’t sound so hard, ah think I can do that.”

Braeburn stood up and draped a foreleg over Mac’s shoulders. “Trust me, there’s a roguish devil under those thick muscles that Dash’ll fall hoofs over wings for. Just remember to make her feel as special as she makes you feel, and y’all will be gettin’ married in no time. Havin’ Little Mac’s and Little Dashie’s left and right.

“And don’t you fret, Mac, I’ll throw y’all one hell of a bachelors party. If you thought your reign of terror was funny on Hearts and Hooves days, want until you see my. . . old friend. . .Candy Apple. She’ll make ya wish you were still a bachelor!” Breaburn chuckled.

“Thanks but uh. . . ah don’t think we should count our showmares and be pickin’ our hard ciders for a bachelor’s party quite yet. Ah still got to figure out how ta ask her.”

“Then I think you want Mr. Cake, probably the nicest. . .well, the only married stallion that comes to mind.”

Mac arrived at the kitchen where Mr. Cake was busily scrubbing some dishes.

“Evenin’, Cake.”

“Hi Big Mac! What brings you by?” he asked.

“Just uh. . . in case things go well, how’d ya woo Ms. Cake?”

He put down the dishes and wiped his hooves off on his apron. “Oh, is somepony ready to gallop into the sunset and raise a cute little family of genetically engineered super-atheletes?”

“What?” Mac stuttered. “Ah just, ya know, need to know. So, if, well. . . so ah know what to do when the time is right.”

“I see. Well, the customs vary by race, of course. When I proposed, it was with a hoof bracelet. All I had to do was be gentle to her by day, then tie her up and whip her at night. Mares love a commanding stallion, one who can tighten the bit in their mouth with one hoof while pleasing them with the other. . .”

Mac watched in mute horror as Mr. Cake proceeded to describe several acts ranging from bondage, to domination, to pleasing a Mare using a rolling pin. Years later, that image in particular, would still haunt him.

“Thanks. . . ah think that’s plenty o’ advice. Ah uh. . . left the barn open, ah need to go close the doors!”

Mac trotted out of the house, not waiting for a reply. Images of a flour covered Ms. Cake were dancing, unwelcomed, in his head. He nearly ran over Doctor Whooves due to his distraction.

“Mac?” Mr. Whooves waved something shiny in his face, snapping him out of it. He put the tool away.

“Huh? Oh, hi Doc.”

“You seemed distracted, everything okay? I trust if you saw anything unusual, like, talking snowmen, you’d tell me?”

“Uh, ah reckon tellin’ Celestia would be a mite more ‘propriate. Snowmen aren’t s’posed ta talk.”

“Good, mental faculties present. No signs of damaage of possession. . . So, what can I do for you today? It looks like you’ve got something on your mind.”

Mac cringed as the ‘something on his mind’ danced back into view, now covered in sprinkles and wearing socks made of wax paper. “Ah don’t think a psychogist could get that image outta my mind.”

There was a quick whirring sound and a green flash, though Mac turned to slow to see what Whooves had pointed at him. “Oh. . .I see, quite the uh. . .love life they have going, isn’t it?”

“Ya don’t know the half of it. All ah wanted was to know how to woo a pegasus, ‘spose even a tip or two on how ta propose, ask ‘em to be more than just special someponies.”

“Brilliant!” Mr. Whooves smiled widely, throwing his hooves around Big Mac in a hug. “Oh, so many years, and yet each and every time I see two ponies in love start a family, it brings me such joy! I know exactly how to win her heart!”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, you just take her to the Cat’s Eye Nebul—I mean, a Cat’s Eye Ruby necklace. . . Moving on, proposing to a pegasus is easy.”

“Alright then, tell me how. And if y’all feel the need to tell me about it in some roundabout way that involved robot space chickens, feel free. Ah ain’t had a good laugh in weeks.”

“Hmm? Well, if you insist. . .”

In a galaxy not so far away. . .

It was a time of galactic unrest. The year was

The Solar Empire had been overthrown by a race

of cyborgs from the future. Nightmare Trixie, the half-mare half-cyborg

queen of the Lunar armies of the damned, had created Skynet.

Using the timey-wimey super computer Skynet, she created a massive army,

taking over Equestria in ten seconds flat. Luna, goddess of the night and expert in the

ways of war, was banished to the moon by Nightmare Trixie for 1,000 years.

Celestia sent word out to her only hope. A man, killed and raised from the dead using

Zebraharan rituals, ancient as time itself.

A stallion known only as, Ronan Hex.

* * * * *

To save time, our hero decided to summarize his ass-kickery in one phrase: For the past two years he had been kicking ass and chewing bubble gum. Yesterday, he ran out of gum.

He rode in a cyborg-powered carriage, occassionally poking a cyborg stallion in the rear with his caddle prod. “Shits ‘bout to get real, honey,” he said.

Ronan’s mare of the night, a sweet young thing he had led away from a brothel and into his heart, was known as Teyla. A right prettier pegasus that humble, ass-kicking, earth stallion had never seen.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Teyla planted a kiss on his good cheek, making him smile.

Most mares were repelled by Ronan. He lost half his face the first time he died. He’s been talkin’ to the dead, oh yeah, and kicking ass, ever since. Most mares weren’t Teyla. She saw the cute little love-muffin inside of him, and was hoping he’d plant her very own little muffin in her womb.

“Ah reckon we’re close to victory over Skynet. Now that we plucked Gilda and deep fried her, that family of Ogres won’t starve. In exchange, they’ll sneak us into the sewers under Canterlot.”

Teyla smiled, rubbing herself with a hoof. “You know I like it when you talk sneaky.”

“Not now, darlin’, we’ll have time for that later.” Ronan turned, showing her his bad side. The skin missing from his cheek say just below his cyborg eye. He had ripped the face-plate and bionic eye of the first cyborg he ever killed.

With his bare fucking hooves. He’s bad-ass like that.

Now, the glowing red occipital device focused in on his one true love, analyzing her body temperature, pheremones, and dampness. She was definitely ready for him to pop the question.

“Whether or not we make it out of this mess, I’ve got to say somethin’ I’ve been wantin’ to for awhile.”

Teyla smiled, hugging him gently. “I know, you don’t have to keep telling me, honey.”

“Ah think ah do. Teyla, you’re the one good thing to cross through this life of bloodshed and cyborg smashing. Ah’d. . . like to start a family with you, start our own herd. Will, ya be mine when this is over?”

Ronan pulled out his hoof bracelet, the same one his father had given his mother lifetimes ago. Lifetimes ago, when Ronan was just an ordinary farm pony, and not the Destroyer of Dimensions, Merc with a Mouth, or his personal favorite: Bad-assest Pony Alive.

Teyla nearly melted into his fur, she was so joyful, happy, and . . . melty. Come on, don’t look at me like that Mac. You know what I mean when I say melted into him!

Teyla reached in her saddlebag and pulled out a small box. “I thought you’d never ask.” She opened the box, presenting him with one of her mint green pegasi feathers. It was the last tiny pre-flight feather she had shed as a filly. Pegasi women saved that special feather as their engagement gift their whole lives, only giving it to the stallion they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with.

Ronan stuck the feather in his hat, next to the fang of a wyvern, the tuft of a cockatrice, and the claw of a gryphon.

Teyla took the hoof bracelet and slid it onto her ankle. The two shared a passionate kiss, nearly consummating the union on the floor of the carriage then and there.

Before they could get to the best part, Nightmare Trixie swooped down on their one-carriage cyborg-caravan.

Firing up her horn, she charged her cyborcon amulet. With a piercing scream, the orbital cyborg cannon zeroed in on Teyla. She evaporated into a bloody mist, which then evaporated into carbon, sulfur, calcium, and several other base elements.

Ronan, a mere stallion made immortal by Zebraharan magic, was not killed by the orbital cyborg cannon. He, like the cannon, was a creature born of hate, and was immune.

The stallion super-hero, now reduced to a bare-bones skeleton with one hell of a vandetta, screamed in rage.

He whipped out his pistol, emptying the clip into Nightmare Trixie’s face. She was so surprised, that she swallowed all six rounds. Bits of her spine landed twenty feet away from her crumpled corpse.

Ronan took her C2 vertebrae as a souvenir. He restored Celestia to power to rule for the remaining 995 years until Luna was released from the moon.

He vanished into the sunset, never to be seen again. His only love, his heart, all that he was, had melted away. He lived now only to punish evil, and drink lots of milk so he didn’t get osteoporosis

Now, blamed of crimes he didn’t commit and feared because he is a walking, talking, skeleton mercenary, he avoids the Equestria government. He earns his living as a soldier of fortune.

If you’re in trouble, if nopony else can help, and if you can find him. . . maybe you can hire. . .

Ronan, The immortal

Cyborg-Skeleton Super-Warrior

Big Mac store there at the border of the farm, oblivious to the mud-wrestling mares in front of them. “Ronan, The immortal Cyborg-Skeleton Super-Warrior? Y’all gotta be pullin’ my leg.”

“Nope,” Dr. Whooves answered. “It’s customary for each race to present their racial ‘engagement gift.’ You should know that.”

“Ah did, ah was hoping for advice on wo—”

“Fillyfooler!”

“No good lyin’ . . . pegasus!”

“What on Equestria?” the Doctor inquired.

“Sis and Dash wrestlin’? Ah think ah got Deja Vu,” Mac said.

The Doctor checked his pocket book. “Nope, this is the first time we see them mud-wrestling. You get Deja Vu next Thursday at 1pm.”

“Should we stop ‘em?”

“Nah, we don’t intervene until 6:15 tonight.”

“Is. . . it wrong that it’s so arousin’? I mean, one of ‘em is my Sis.”

Doctor Whooves wave to the crowd that was slowly gathering. They heard Derpy playing the role of town crier, directing everypony to spectate. “Whole town is already enjoying the show. Besides, Stallion Freud theorized that the Brother-Sister relationship becomes a key desire of the id when a special somepo—”

“Oh yeah? I’ll drag you all the way to Rarity’s, covered in mud, and force you to admit you love her!”

“And ah’m gonna leave you hogtied upside down in the nearest tree, y’all plot dangling out in the breeze until Big Mac finds ya!”

“OH YEAH?! I THINK I’D ENJOY THAT!”

“YEAH?!”

“What the hay? Did Applejack just bite out a tuft of Rainbow’s mane?” Mac asked.

“She sure did, it’s time for us to break this up,” Doctor Whooves said. “And, I just want to apologize in advance.”

“For what?” Mac said as they sprinted over to break up the fight.

“When Twilight shows up, she’s going to get just a wee bit jealous over me. You, AJ, and Dash are all going to end up hogtied and dangling from trees. I promise to come back for you after I lecture Twilight into another state of bliss.”

Mac chuckled. “Eeyup. No such thing as a normal day in Ponyville.”

He dove forward, tackling his love Dash to the mud. The Doctor tackled Applejack, recieving a wicked right hoof to the face.

Where Dash and Mac had sensualized the sudden romp in the mud and began kissing, AJ and The Doctor where kicking and biting each other like madponies.

“What the buck is going on!” Twilight yelled.

Mac began to chuckle as he felt a rope around his legs lift him off of Dash. “See ya in the trees, fly girl.”

Author's Note

I’m back!