The Lily in Her Mane
I hate the color blue.
Given the situation I find myself in, and the amount of time I’ve spent in this room. I find that anger to be reasonably placed. It’s not like I wanted to be here in the first place. I understand that my friends care about me but I don’t need to see a-
“Mister Lulamoon?”
I could just stay quiet, I could just ignore the secretary and go home, go on with my life.
But I don’t; instead I raise my hoof and stare at those stupid blue flowers.
“The doctor will see you now, Mister Lulamoon.”
I enter the room behind the secretary only to be greeted by the same garish shade of blue I’ve grown to despise so much. A unicorn sits in a rather comfortable looking chair opposite of me. He and I lock eyes for a moment, and he regards me with the attention one might give an amateur painting. He doesn’t care, I’m just another deposit of bits to the bank.
It’s all an act, he puts on a smiling face and tells the patient what he or she wants to hear. It’s all as fake as the tree in the corner, the paintings on the walls... What am I even doing here? Why did I think he could help m-
“Mister... Lulamoon, was it?”
“Yes, that’s me.” Even his voice sounds practiced, this is a waste of time.
We both sit there for a while, looking at eachother for a good amount of time. The only voice in the room for the longest time was the clock, until the good doctor runs a hoof through his mane and sighs.
“So you’re a quiet type I take it?” The stallion gives me what I assume is the warmest smile he can muster. “It’s fine, we don’t need to go any faster than you’re comfortable with. We should start with introductions I suppose?”
I half-glare, half-shrug in response. “Seems as good a place as any.”
The unicorn opposite me shuffles slightly and drones out words that even sound as if they’re worn out through repetition. “I am Second Chance, PHD in Psychology, Grief counselor.”
“Aphelion Lulamoon, Astronomer.”
Chance bows his head ever so slightly, measured precision conveyed in his every move. “A pleasure to meet you Aphelion; do you prefer Aphelion or Sir Lulamoon?”
“I find monikers to be silly things, use whatever suits you.” I half-hiss as I prop my jaw up on my hoof and let my gaze linger on a photo hanging on the wall. It’s a simple thing, a family of earth ponies: a mare, stallion, filly and colt. They’re on a hilltop, smiling, looking off into the distance at... something. Perha-
“A lovely picture isn’t it?”
My face contorts in an expression of distaste. I’m beginning to dislike how often Chance interrupts my thoughts. “I wouldn’t go as far as ‘lovely’ persay.” The still air suffocates the conversation for a few moments. I clear my throat and peel my eyes away from the picture. “It’s nice, if a bit unrealistic.”
Chance lifts his quill from his notepad, a puzzled expression written upon his face. I almost laugh at the thought that his notes share the same quality as his visage. “What do you mean, exactly? What about it makes it ‘unrealistic’?”
A part of me wants to just glare sullenly at Chance and keep quiet. Sarcasm is unbefitting of a situation like this, but the thought crosses my mind nonetheless. I look again to the painting, a familiar spring of contempt and despair wells up inside me. Why don’t I like this painting? There’s nothing inherently wrong with it; it’s well done by anyone’s standards. It just seems to be a little too...
“Happy. It’s too happy.”
A wry smile crosses my face as the all too familiar sound of a quill on paper was brought to an abrupt halt. Chance looks over the rims of his glasses and cocks an eyebrow. “And what’s wrong with that?”
“It’s not very realistic, that’s all.” I sulk in my seat as my forelegs cross each other. “It’s just a snapshot, you don’t see how troubled they really are.”
“Hmm...” The quill glowed with a gentle green aura as Chance spoke. “Pessimistic I see, and vehemently vocal about that painting as well.” Chance levitated the notepad off to the side and crossed his forelimbs as well. “So tell me, Sir Lulamoon; Why are you here?”
A cheeky smile played at the corners of my mouth as my gaze fixated on some unknown point in space. “Here in the cosmological sense? Or here in the office of a psychiatrist?”
Damn my sarcastic tendencies.
The good doctor was completely unphased. “Well, either, I suppose. I’m here for whatever it is that brought you here.” Chance pushed his glasses up the bridge of his muzzle and blinked at me.
He doesn’t seem like a bad pony, perhaps I should at least give him a... well... chance. The worst that comes of this is that I get nothing out of being here and I’ve lost an hour of my life. Wouldn’t be the worst thing I’ve wasted my life on.
“A friend recommended I find somepony I can talk to about nightmares and... things.”
“Things?” Chance looked back to the earth pony family living peacefully in it’s portrait. “Family things?”
“...”
Chance put his hoof to his chin and flicked his gaze between myself and the picture. “You know, it doesn’t make it easier for me to not know anything. I understand that there are sensitive areas that we may tread together when talking about your family. But not listing the status of your wife and children gives me very little room to work with.”
“...” I hated to admit it to myself, but Second Chance was right. I really did give him nothing, how could I expect him to help me? “My wife is dead, Chance.”
The green-coated stallion opposite me recoiled slightly, “I’m sorry for your loss, mister Lulamoon. I truly am.”
In total honesty, I barely caught the last few words that Chance had spoke. The memories drowned out his voice as the word “loss” played over and over in my head.
‘Take care of little Terra, you’re all she has now...’
‘Aurora! Don’t say that, y-you’re going to be fine. You’re going to get to see her do her first levitation, and... and...’
‘The doctors don’t agree with you, ‘Lio. I don’t have much time left. We may live in a world of magic but...’
“There are... th- things that magic can’t fix...” I wipe a foreleg across my eyes and blink at the floor. Everything blends together in a slurry of colors as air rushes into my lungs and my vision clears.
Celestia rest his soul, Chance merely let me have my moment of silence. Memories of little Terra and I whirled through my mind as I fought desperately to suppress them.
“Mister Lulamoon, I won’t ask you to keep talking, and I’m fairly certain you won’t want to. But if I may, I’d like to ask something of you, if that’s alright?”
I merely nodded my heavy head.
“I’d like you to keep a journal of your nightmares and use it to tell me other things that you... can’t say. I’ve had other ponies in your position before and, well a journal seems to help most of the time.”
Again I nod.
“You’re going to be fine. I promise I’ll help you through this.”
I merely thanked him for his time, stood up, and left the office. I’m not entirely sure I believe him.
Been a week since I first started shoveling bits into this hopeless endeavour. Seriously, I’ve done everything he’s asked, down to the smallest detail. It’s stupid, because now he’s just sitting there, leafing through the stupid journal like it means something. I’ve lived the same dream over and over, wrote it down repeatedly. Eventually that got boring and I just turned it into-
“So you have a daughter then?”
Buck.
“Yeah. I did.”
And there’s that stupid eyebrow thing again. I swear, he’s gotta find everything so fascinating all the t-
“Did?” Chance removed his glasses and set them on the table nearby, along with his notepad. “Do you want to talk about it?”
And now, here I am between a rock and a hard place. On one hoof, I’ve got nothing to lose, literally. On the other: my problems are my own, why does he care? He’s got a family, he’s happy, he’s employed. Why bother with some mid-life stallion’s proble-
“Aphelion?”
By Luna’s moon, if he cuts me off one more time...
I roll my eyes and level my stare at him, attempting to make it extremely apparent that I’m trying to bore through that thick skull of his with concentrated disdain. “Yes, Chance?”
“Your journal mentions: ‘I’ll be right; you’ll come back.’ “ He closed the book and hoofed it back to me. “She ran away?”
In hindsight, I’m not too sure why I put that in there. You tend to do stupid things when you feel bitter, angry, or in my case; both.
“... Yes.”
He picks up the notepad and glasses once more. Scribbles away a little, chews the end of the pencil. Ugh, this Chance character: waste of my time.
“Alright, well let’s look at what I’ve got so far.”
Second Chance flips through his little compendium of recorded secrets, no doubt refreshing his mind on the few shreds of my soul that I’ve bared to him.
At least, that’s what I thought he was doing... I was far more surprised by what he actually did.
“I have absolutely nothing I can do for you. You have been here twice and have given me nothing to work with. I want to help you Aphelion, I really do. But you have to want to help yourself first.”
Chance removed his glasses and leaned forward in his chair, I swear I could almost see fire as it burned in the depths of his eyes.
I won’t lie, it was terrifying.
Chance slowly pulled his head back as he continued. “I could ask about your daughter, or your wife. But I get the feeling that nothing short of physical torture would get you to talk. If you don’t want help, fine. If you feel this is a waste of time, fine. The door’s right there: it’s not locked.”
I sat there for the longest time with my mouth hanging open in shock. I honestly had no idea how to respond to this, this was borderline harassment. I could have the stallion sued f-
“But you’re not going to, are you, Aphelion?” Chance stated calmly, a gentle crease played across his brow as he stared me down. “You’re a fighter: you don’t ever give up. You’re stubborn and strong-willed. That’s good, I like that; but channel that fighting spirit against the problem. Not at me.”
Those words seemed to float around in the air for a bit before I really absorbed them. And I won’t lie, they hit close to home. I wanted to tell him, I suppose. But it wouldn’t change anything, would it?
“Yeah, so I tell you, and then what, Chance? What happens then?”
“Then we work on helping you move on with life.” Chance smiled. “The choice is all yours.”
“...” Part of me looks at the door with an eager mindset, but the other part is being its naturally stubborn self. I know that the choice is already made, I’m just hoping I don't regret it.: “My wife’s name was Aurora... We met years a-”
“I hate you!...”
There are certain immutable facts that I have discovered over the course of my life: Meeting the love of your life is the best feeling in the world. Bringing your first filly into the world with the mare of your dreams is nothing short of magical. And remembering how your wife died before your very eyes with you powerless to stop it, is the most emotionally trying thing I’ve ever experienced.
Chance has been... amazingly understanding through all of this. Sometimes, I can’t tell if he cares or not. But it doesn’t matter to me, it just feels good to get this emotional baggage out. Even if it means sitting here on his couch destroying his supply of tissues as I relive those last moments with Aurora in my mind.
“... That’s awful, Aphelion... I’m so sorry. Birth complications are... They’re rare, but...”
I wave a hoof dismissively, I’ve already got enough reminders flying around my head. I don’t need anymore from Chance. “I-it’s not somethi-ing I wanna remember Ch-hance. I thought the goal here w-was to help me mo-ove on.”
Chance softly shakes his head and offers another box of tissues and five minutes for me to collect myself.
I can’t help but wonder, I‘ve been coming here for more than a month now. While I do feel a little better, I thought he’d be able to do a little more than he has. Of course, I’ve only brought up Terra in passing conversation thus far.
I take a deep breath, silence my sniffles and once more allow my gaze to drift over to the vase of blue flowers in the room.
“You keep looking at those flowers, why?” The green unicorn prodded softly.
The part of me still capable of rational thought knew that I didn’t have to tell him everything, not yet anyway. I’d only tell him what he really needed to know.
“They remind me of better... better times. Back when Aurora... when she was still...”
Chance closed his eyes and covered his mouth with his forelegs. “Take your time; deep breaths, Aphelion.”
Who the hell does he think he is? I’m not some newborn colt. I know what’s going on, he’s poking the most sensitive parts of my life with a red hot pole and I’m supposed to be totally calm abo-
“May I ask why they remind you of her?”
As much as I want to, I choke down the urge to cuff him across the face for interrupting my thoughts, again. “Would it matter if told you? It wouldn’t change anything...”
Chance cocked an eyebrow, again. The list of things this stallion could do to irritate me... “It’s still interesting, gives us something to do other than awkwardly grunt at each other under the guise of speech.”
As much as I hate to admit it, for all the things he did that frustrated me, he did have his redeeming moments. I couldn’t help but let loose a small huff of amusement. It was depressing how right he was.
“I suppose.” I halt myself, staring quietly at him for a moment as he leans forward expectantly. “Back when Aurora and I first met, I was young; no less awkward, and better looking by magnitudes of the concept of ‘looks’.” I said as I bobbed my hooves in the air for quotes and brushed the few remaining tears from my muzzle.
“She was... Perfect. Chance, she was an alicorn without wings, I’m telling you. At least she was to me, She was the prettiest, smartest, kindest mare at the University.”
“Sounds a bit like a dream come true to me.” Chance smiled. “So you secretly found a rare and elusive favorite flower she liked and swept her off her hooves?”
“Well in all honesty, Chance.” I could feel the temperature under my coat rise a few degrees. “Like I said, I was young, naive... and a bit of a cheese ball. I went out and looked for a flower that had the word ‘star’ in it. Turns out the florist had just the thing: Blue star-lilies. And no, they’re actually not that rare.”
“Hmmm, alright. Go on.”
“Well, I take her out to eat, then we head up to a hill away from the lights of the city where you can see the stars perfectly.” A smile gently leapt to my mouth as I closed my eyes and recounted the following events.
“You know, I’ve always found that ponies seem to notice a favorite star when they look to the night sky. I honestly couldn’t tell you which one is mine though. I just like them all...”
The mare rolled onto her side as her mane half-hid her playful smile and youthful gaze. “What about you Aphelion?” Aurora giggled as she lifted her eyes skyward once more.
I remember barely being able to hold the flower as I gently placed it in her hair, just behind her ear and somehow managed to squeak out in a shaky voice: “T-this one...”
I opened my eyes. Took a breath that felt like it had been waiting for me to patiently realize I was suffocating. Chance sat across from me, deep in thought. He could stew in his world as long as he wished. I couldn’t care less. This was just a part of the puzzle to him.
“Very interesting...” The quill etched it’s nose into the face of the notepad before diving back into the inkwell from which it was plucked. “I’m afraid we are out of time for today, but perhaps we can pick up where we left off next time.”
I slowly stand on all four hooves and nod politely, not fully convinced that there will even be a “next time”.
“...it’s one of the most prestig...”
“Nice work on the journals, Mister Lulamoon; I’m pleased to see tha-”
In reality, I’ve stopped listening after the first few words. Two months in, and I’ve grown tired of the circles I seem to be running in this office of his. I don’t like it, but I figured it was either this, or have him drag it out of me.
And I take pride in the initiative.
“... and an increasing amount of dreams about...” Chance lowers his glasses and regards me with an air of skepticism. “Your daughter?”
“Memories, really.” The hesitation fades from his gaze as I allow myself a subdued breath of relief. It’s been an uphill battle, trying to condition myself to trust this stallion. I’m always so frightened that he will find the one hole in the wall I have and just... Tear it all down? Maybe that’s what I need, to be laid bare emotionally before someone who could actually help.
“Aphelion?”
A quick shake of the head scatters the nagging thoughts to the far reaches of my mind.
“Yes, sorry.”
“It’s quite alright, I was simply asking what you remembered in those dreams?
I know I shouldn’t; the very act would tell it all. But as much as I will myself to not bely how I truly feel, I grimace and look away as images pour into my mind.
“Many things, Chance. Many, many things.”
“Well, I’m here to listen if you want to share.”
And share I did.
“...nd she’d always come running to the door when I came home, telling me how school went and wondering how my day was. Kept reminding me to name a star after her if I ever found a new one, she was so funny th...”
“...ember the time that she broke one of the legs of the dining room table during a ‘performance’. Tried to blame it on her imaginary assistants, Pen and Teller. Thankfully it wasn’t that big of an issue so I didn't d...”
“...ways talking about her friends or about magic tricks and how she wanted to be a show-mare someday.” Once more I let my gaze drift to the vibrant blooms set next to Chance’s desk. “We would just talk, even if it was hard to.”
The sound of scribbling ceased suddenly. “Hard, how?”
Visions of a pot resting on a window sill, a dozen fully-bloomed lilies bob their heads cheerfully in the sunlight as they drink in the light shower of life-giving water. Terra sitting at the table with a crude drawing as she flicked her eyes between myself and the page...
“It was a long time ago... She and I were home, on a weekend before lunch time. I was tending to a small pot of lilies I keep in memory of Aurora when Terra asked me a question: ‘Why do you like those blue flowers so much, Daddy?’.”
I turn and look down toward the sound of the little voice. I slowly lower the can to the counter as I trot toward my daughter.
“I remember walking to her and frantically searching for words. I had already told her that mommy was always watching out for us and helping us every day however she could... But I never expected to get asked about the lilies.”
Chance set his quill and ink off to the side as he leaned forward. I pondered the cause of his intense interest as I brushed the misty tears from my eyes.
“What happened?”
“I remember telling her that they were very special flowers. Because ‘Daddy gave them to Mommy when they first met. And Mommy always wore them to show everypony how much she loved Daddy, and how much Daddy loved her.’ ”
Tears filled my eyes as the filly before me looked down at the crudely drawn stallion holding a blue flower. A beaming smile spread upon her face as she looked back up at me...
“She paused f-for a while... And then she looked at me with those big violet eyes of h-hers: ‘Can I wear one then, Daddy? So I can show everypony how much we love each other?’.”
Darkened spots on my filly’s face. Her soft little voice asking me why I was crying. The familiar scent of my wife as I cut a blossom from its stalk and placed it in my daughters hair... The feeling of holding her and never wanting to let go.
My eyes had long since lost the battle for vision against the inexorable tides of tears. As I looked up, I could make out the faint outline of the stallion opposite me.
“... Such power in the words of a child...” I see a blurry appendage reach out toward the table as the familiar sound of writing fills the room between my own muted sniffles. “And this is what your dreams are about?”
I’ve had enough suffering for one day, the ever present scent of better days lies heavy in the air as I compose myself. “Partially, I’d like to just save it for another time if it’s not too much to ask.”
“Of course, of course.” Second Chance rises from his seat and holds the door open for me, but not before putting a hoof in my path and furrowing his brows. “Just make sure that you don’t evade the issue too long... Running away is never the answer.”
I wanted to floor him right then and there, I was not running away. I know what running away is, Terra ran away, I fought to keep her. What she did, and what I’m doing are two completely different things.
Right?
“Is it like what I say doesn’t matter?! Why wou-”
Second Chance has advised me to stop sequestering myself away from my friends. I’ll admit, it’s helped going out with the guys to just be happy for a little while. But they treat me differently, like every word is a hoofstep on thin ice. I would say something against it if I weren’t so grateful for the sensitivity.
Four months ago, I would have kept my true feelings hidden, I’d be cracking jokes, laughing off the pain of loss. Now I spend most of the time just half-smiling at them. I shouldn’t be so distant, it’s not like it’s their fault. They don’t know what it’s like to have your daughter just vanish from your life like that.
Yup, four months ago I was so sure she’d come crawling back, begging for forgiveness. I know now what has changed me, though. It’s the fact that she’s still gone, and the fear that she will be that way forever.
“Please, take a seat.”
Same room, same lilies, same green-coated shrink in a swivel chair. Guess there are a number of things that haven’t changed over the last four months.
“Welcome back Mister Lulamoon, anything from the dream journals?”
I don’t even bother responding as I levitate a dirty, crumpled flyer out of my pocket and fling it to the table between us.
“The Terrific Terra! Performing live in Dodge Junction!”
As Chance unfolded the paper, I saw my little girl standing on stage with a hat and cloak. She bore a cock-sure smile, surrounded by fireworks and lights as the silhouettes of a crowd lined the front of the page.
Chance glanced up from the paper. “Is this her? Where did you get this?”
“Found it, crumpled up and dirty on the side of the street. And yes, that’s her.”
“What I can’t seem to understand is why she would run away when you clearly loved her so much.”
“...”
I didn’t lift my eyes, but I didn’t need to in order to recognize the sound of a familiar drawer sliding open.
“Perhaps some more explanation is needed?”
“I did promise I wouldn’t run away from the problem, didn’t I?”
Chance smiled at that as he dipped the quill in the ink.
I look to the flowers in the pot, close my eyes and allow myself to drift back to a time when things weren’t so lonely.
Smiling down at table with my little filly in the chair next to me. Forms spread out across the table, applications and credentials for a single school.
“She was always brilliant. Terra had a good head on her shoulders, so as she grew older, I started putting her into more and more specialized classes.”
“Specialized classes?” Chance lowered his glasses as he peeked over the rims. “What kind of specialized?”
That smile of hers, could move mountains, I swear. She looks up at me, levitates something onto the table... A report card: A in astrophysics, B+ in history, A- in cultural...
“Astronomy.”
“Like father, like daughter, hmm?”
I resist the urge to sigh and simply shrug. “She’s a Lulamoon; Astronomy is in our blood. And it showed, she was great at it.”
“But was she happy?”
Four months ago. Tears, loud voices, one of them mine. Looking over at the weary face of my daughter as she cried into her ruffled mane. Time stopped, I look down at my hooves, and when I look up...
I returned from the memory as I mutter a simple, “No.”
I check the clock, most of the time for the session has been used already. This feeling... I can’t remember the last time I felt like this. It makes my coat crawl, fidget in my seat. I know what it is, but I’m too afraid to say it.
“So she left your world to go out and perform, is what you’re telling me.”
Oh, that’s right, I remember what this feeling is, fear.
“Yes. Yes she did.”
Chance knows when it’s time to close the meetings, and now was one of those times. He quietly got up and opened the door for me. “Aphelion, Keep talking with your friends, be on the lookout for where your daughter is, and come see me when you’re ready for another talk.”
“Thanks, Chance. I’ll... I’ll keep that in mind.”
Slowly I leave the office, thoughts of Terra still quietly buzzing in my head as it hits me. I know why I’m afraid: I can’t help but wonder if she’s forgotten me completely.
“...is what you want, but you can’t make a living th...”
Eight months, five days since my first visit with Chance. And I’m due to see him again in a couple days.
But who am I kidding? It’s not getting me anywhere. We’ve been going nowhere fast for months now, and I don’t know why.
Wind rattles the window pane as I sit at my table, nursing a comforting cup of black tea. I close my eyes and take a deep breath before looking down to the clips and snippets of my daughter’s journeys across Equestria.
I’ve got posters and flyers from Baltimare to Vanhoover. Newspaper clippings of announcements for Terra’s shows from Los Pegasus to Manehattan. There’s so many little memories of her I’ve held onto, I can’t even fit them in the book anymore.
Which I suppose is why I’m here in the first place. Going through this small painful reminders and deciding which ones hurt the least, and which ones bring me the most joy. In all honesty, at the end of the day, I’ll just pick it all up and wedge it in between the pages.
It pains me though, I get this nagging feeling in the back of my mind. A tickle, as if something tries to make me remember why it is I continue to do this every week? Spilling out the contents of a book, looking upon the smiling face of somepony I used to know. I want to be angry, I do; but I can’t seem to get mad at her anymore.
Chance keeps telling me to try and understand. Understand what? That the daughter I love just walked out of my life for no good reason? I take another sip of my tea, I’ve been down this road before; running circles between logic and emotion, going nowhere fast.
My gaze follows a rather tangible curl of steam up from my cup, guiding my eyes upon the pot of lilies I keep on the windowsill. It’s the only color in this house these days, everything seems so drained, bleak, quiet.
Frankly, it’s depressing and I hate it. But I can’t leave, there are far too many happy memories for me to do that. Yet at the same time there’s so many nightmares surrounding this place that it makes me want to run away and never look back.
But then again, I said I can’t, and I won’t. I refuse to do what Terra did.
Maybe it’s my naivety, but I still hold onto the hope that she will come back someday. The least I could do is make sure that I’m here to tell her she’s forgiven. I’m frustrated with her, I can’t lie to myself; I’m really upset. But at the same time, I miss her terribly. Most times I drag this collection of photos out I opt to sit here at the table with the album spread over the wooden surface for hours on end.
I can’t wrap my head around it, even after months of wondering, I can’t figure out what would be so wrong that Terra would just go. I had done everything to make sure she had the tools to succeed, and she threw it away.
The tea seems to hold a little less life to it than it did a few minutes ago as I take another sip. Reminds me of work, and of course work reminds me about my day today.
The universally celebrated: “bring your filly/foal to work” day. Stars, I used to love them...
“What’s that machine do? Can I use it? I wanna see! I wanna see! How do they work? Is it magic?”
“In a way, yes.” I smiled down at my daughter before catching a glance at a smiling co-worker. “Don’t worry, Flare. I won’t let her break anything.”
A tug on my coat, her bright eyes beaming up at me. “Take me to the constellation room! I wanna see the Ursa again...”
Another sip of the lukewarm tea does little to clear my thoughts. I used to love those days, now I go to work and bear the silent anguish of watching my friend’s foals and fillies giggle and run around asking the same questions she did all those years ago.
Of course, it made me a little bitter. But it was nothing I couldn’t handle. Time has a funny way of blocking out repetition. If only it was just another “bring your filly/foal to work day”; The difference was that one of the fillies running around had a crude mimic of the cape I’ve seen you wear in your pictures.
Something wet and cold soaks through my fur, I glance down to see dots spread amongst the plethora of clippings beneath me. I gently grab them and stuff them into the album as I put it away. It doesn’t take long before I’m sitting there flavoring my tea with tears and staring at the blue star lilies.
“Aphelion, Keep talking with your friends, be on the lookout for where your daughter is, and come see me whenever you need to.”
I need to go back. I’ve been lying to myself and hiding from the truth, I’ve never told Chance what really happened. Because I’m not going to kid myself anymore; the house is empty, I’m empty, and I’m falling apart. I want Terra to have a father worth coming back to.
Absently I wipe my foreleg across my face and defile my tongue with the cold bitter tea. A wince paints my face as I reach for my third sugar packet. Sure it wasn’t the best solution, but it made the situation bearable at least.
“...at’s what this is then?! Just say it! You never wanted me to...”
“Trixie! She went and changed her name to Trixie!”
“Aphelion, please, calm down...”
I paced the floor, as I had been doing in the lobby outside Second Chance’s office, and in the living room of my own home. Only recently had I discovered the flyer posted near the canterlot Train station. Advertising my little Terra as somepony completely different...
How could he understand?
“Calm down.” I bob my head as I draw back the clouds in my mind. The dull, overcast world that was my emotional state glowed a soft orange. I felt my jaw ache, my temples throb, my heart quicken; and fire seemed to seethe across my tranquil inner world.
“Calm down?”
“You want a grieving father who had been missing the better part of his world for nearly a year, to calm down? You want a father whose only hope was that his little girl would never forget the roots from which her blossom sprang forth from when it finally bloomed... to calm down.”
I thrust a hoof towards the window as I leaned toward Chance, screaming. "Out there is a pony who took my wife away from me, scorned everything I gave her, and then threw away the one thing that made her who she was!
"My daughter, is dead." I stamped my hooves for emphasis, the reverberations shot up through my legs and rattled my already aching head. "No, I never truly had a daughter! That little bitch was nothing but a curse given physical form!
“She thinks that she can just throw away her old life? She didn’t grow up with a mother, but I gave her everything I could, Chance; everything. I tried damnit! But if all my effort is worth so little that she can give up all that I’ve slaved to give her, then fine! I don’t want that two-faced mare as a daughter.
“There was a time for redemption! She had her chances to come back! I didn’t hate her for all that she gave up before; but now she’s given up the one thing that Aurora entrusted to her while she was still alive.”
Part of me wanted Chance to say something, anything. I needed a soothing word to quell the burning inferno engulfing my heart. Then again, if he had said anything, it was too slow. I had only stopped to breathe.
“Nearly a year ago I submitted her academic record to the Canterlot University of Astronomy, and she was almost immediately accepted. I was proud, Chance! She was one of the brightest in her class, and she wanted to throw it away on show business like an idiot!”
‘But Terra, it’s one of the most prestigious schools in Equestria.’
‘I know, Dad... But I’ve told you before that I’m not interested. Is it like what I say doesn’t matter?!’ Why wou...
‘Oh, this again? Terra, listen, I appreciate that you have such a passion for the performing arts, and I know this isn’t what you prefer, but you can’t make a living th...’
‘No, Dad! I want you to stop fighting me and just listen! I want you to stop trying to run my life and let me succeed on my own!’
‘And you will! It’s a thriving field with so much to offer you, it’s a safe job close to home that-’
‘I don’t want to be close to home! I don’t want safe! I want to go see the world and live! I want an adventure, to learn magic, to...’
‘...ou can get all of those things here in Ca...’
‘So that’s what this is then?! Just say it! You never wanted me to succeed.’
‘Of course I do sweetie! I’m just worried that you’re not making the best choice here.’
‘All those times we went out to our hill at night to watch the stars, you lied to me. You lied every single... every single day. You never wanted me to be a star, you wanted me to just sit in a tower all day and look at what I aspired to be. Why else would somepony name their daughter after dirt?!’
Time stops, I watch the tear streaked face of my filly as she grabs the lily from her hair and throws it at my hooves. My mind jumps to Aurora lying in the hospital, mere hours before she passed away. The teary exchange, the decision on the newborn’s name... The lily she tucked behind my ear before she closed her eyes and left me.
“So don’t you dare have the audacity to tell me to calm down. Aurora died for Terra, and now ‘Terra’ is gone! I was glad that ‘Terra’ was succeeding, I was glad she was proving me wrong. But I cannot feel the same way about ‘Trixie.’
“She is not my daughter, she is a thief; stealing away the love of my life and the daughter I once had. I’d still have Aurora around if it weren’t for that ungrateful brat! I don’t want her back! She gave up her ties to this family and spat on everything that Aurora and I sacrificed for her!”
“Aphelion...”
“She disowned the only thing that ever meant anything from her mother! Terra was not a name of weakness, it was one of strength. Everything she has been and was is gone, she doesn’t want this old life. She looks back at me and remembers a life time of being told ‘no’. If that’s what she chooses to remember, if that’s the life she think’s she's throwing away, then fine. So be it! I’m done with her!
“I’m done trying to please her, done sacrificing for her!” Heavy hoofsteps punctuate the words as I pace back and forth. Yet I’m confined by both my civility and physical space. “I'm through with arguing about every little thing. Ignorant filly... Good riddance!”
“You don’t mean that.”
Something firm grips my shoulder, I tug away, but the contact doesn’t break. Slowly I feel the fires inside begin to ebb away as I stand there, silently stewing within a cauldron of my own rage, garnished with the fragrance of a flower I once loved.
“Like Tartarus I d-”
“Mister Lulamoon, may I ask you something?” I angrily flash my gaze at Chance to see him set his little board off to the side. Part of me wants to plant my hoof right into his voice box. But I don’t, not yet at least. “What?”
“Nights on a hilltop, gazing at stars. The nervous squeak of your little girl as you walk her to the school dance. The beautiful fascination you both shared with the heavens. The numerous times that you sat by her bed and tucked her in, and all the emotions you’ve told me that she brought out in you. Do you really wish ‘good riddance’ to all the good, as well as the bad?”
My eyes flutter closed, not by my will, but rather from the unwillingness to let go. A thousand happy moments flash before my eyes, so many of them have my little Terra sitting there by my side... smiling up at me...
“You don’t mean any of that, it’s the anger talking. I’d like to think that after a year of being here to talk to, I’d know when you truly mean something or not.” The good doctor merely lets a coy smirk play at his mouth. “So if you want to disown her, that’s your choice. But what are you really throwing away?”
‘Goodnight Daddy, I love you.’
‘I know silly filly. Now sleep tight.’
I feel the fires give way to cold, dead ash, the wind of realization sweeping through an aftermath of unbridled rage as my anger collapses in on me. “S-she was a little filly with no mother in her life and a selfish uncompromising father. She lived through the imperfections the world and I placed in her path and smiled the entire time! Not because she was scared, but because she was strong, Chance! She didn’t run away from anything, she faced it head on! She was always there to rise to the challenge and she made me proud, she made me so proud...”
“And are you willing to give that up forever?” Chance prodded. “You don’t want to entertain the thought that she might someday come back?”
The ashes are gone, all that’s left is just... barren, cold, dead, emotionless. “Chance, she’s never coming back. Maybe there was some hope before, but there’s no way she’ll come back now.”
“Why do you think that?”
“Because I can wish all I want but she's already made it clear that she doesn't want to come back!”
The good doctor crosses his forelegs and regards me curiously. “Aphelion, the one thing you should never give up is hope. There’s going to be a resolution to this mess, you just need to believe, stick with it.”
“There’s already been a resolution, Chance!” I force myself to look away to hide the budding tears. “She’s gone, she’s not coming back and the name proves it...”
“You can’t know that for sure.”
I scoff softly and I wipe a tear from my face, “And you can?”
“No, but I do happen to know that being despondent will not change things. Therefore, I have a proposal for you.”
“Not like it matters at this point... What’s your idea, Chance?
“Would you be willing to go to one of Terra’s shows?”
“You were supposed to protect her...”
I have been staring at the window for the last few hours, nursing the same cup of tea for an equal measure of time. I take a sip, it's cold, but I can't bring myself to care. I really should get up and do something, anything really. But it just doesn’t seem important, it’s not like it matters any.
The wind rattles outside, the window frame shakes and knocks a bit, each time my ears perk as I look to the door. Only then do I remind myself that it’s not real, it’s my mind grasping at invisible strands of hope.
Knock knock.
Slowly my gaze faces and lingers upon the front door with my ears piqued and at full attention. Somehow, that knocking sounded... different. For whatever reason, I can’t seem to decide if that different is good or bad.
Knock knock knock.
I bolt from my chair straight for the door, my magic threatening to rip the hinges off the frame with the force I opened it. But just as quickly as my hopes had risen, they are dashed.
“Chance.”
“Aphelion, mind if I step inside for a moment?”
The psychiatrist makes his way inside as I step aside. It’s not hard to notice, his eyes flit all about the room, drinking in the surroundings and making connections. Even in my home I’m merely something to be analyzed, broken down and dissected. It hurts, in a way; that I’ve been reduced to equating myself to a bug, or interesting rock.
Not that it matters.
He doesn’t even break his concentration as he prods me with a question. “I don’t normally make a point of doing house-calls. But after your... passionate monologue the other day I had a few concerns, which, combined with recent... events, were enough for me to decide to check up on you. The good doctor shakes his head softly and faces me, “How are you doing?”
I meet his stare with my own sullen expression, not that it matters. “I’m just as sad and lonely as the last time we met, but everything here is as fine as it ought to be. I’m not s-”
“Is it?”
On any other visit, on any other day, I’d quietly rage inside at being cut off. But I just can't care less right now. I don't have to say anything however, my silent impassive stare is enough.
Chance walks over to my table and pulls a paper from his saddlebag, Slowly he spreads it out and folds it in such a way as to showcase a single article:
“Performer Pestered by Presupposed Parent!”
As soon as I lay my eyes on the accompanying picture, I find myself burying my head in my hooves and shaking it back and forth. I don’t want to tell him, he doesn’t deserve to know. For all that it’s worth, I’d just be wasting my breath trying to explain to him what happened that day. But he’d never understand, it’d be a waste of time.
Not that I care anymore.
“I went to one of my Daughter’s shows...”
“And what happened?”
Does he think me stupid? It’s perfectly clear as to what happened, there’s a little moment frozen in ink sitting on the table to commemorate the occasion.
“I sat there, in the crowd. Watching my little girl... be happy. She was so happy, smiling all the time, putting every little bit of herself into her act. She was doing things that boggled my mind, amazed me, left me speechless... She was nothing short of amazing, Chance. I was so glad to see her happy... And then...”
“And then... What?”
My ears instinctively pin themselves to my head as my shoulders drop “Then she asked for a volunteer.”
Chance gives me a brief nod and motions for me to go on.
“So I raised my hoof, before anypony else... And she pulls me up on stage. Almost two and a half years since I last saw my daughter... She was— is beautiful.” I sniffle softly and shake my head clear. “She took me to the center of stage... and s-she asked me for my name. I thought to myself, ‘maybe it’s part of the act, maybe she’s just playing ignorant...’ So I said to her: ‘Terra, it’s me.’
“She just... Stared at me, blankly. I grabbed the blue star lily I brought with me and held it out to her in my magic. ‘Terra... please remember... It’s me, your father!’ Still she said or did nothing. I-I didn’t know what to do... I panicked, I-I told her: ‘Terra! P-please! I’m sorry! Please Terra, you have to remember something!’
“I-it was right ab-about there that...” I draw my foreleg across my eyes to banish the veil of tears cascading down my muzzle. “Se-security grabbed me, started dr-dragging me off stage... I threw the flower to her... Screaming in desperation... ‘I-I’m sorry, I love you, I miss you, c-come home...’ She just... stared at me until I got dragged out of sight... She didn’t look at the flower, sh-she didn’t even acknowledge me! I was j-just a stranger to her, Chance! She doesn’t even know who I am anymore!”
A moment of silence passes, shattered when I find myself chuckling through a sob. "I guess that's more true than I would want."
The teapot whistles from the kitchen as I make awkward eye-contact with Chance. I suppose that it’s a god-send in it’s own right, breaking the conversation the way it did. Not one to miss an opportunity when it presents itself, I rise from my seat and head toward the kitchen.
“Tea, Chance?”
The stallion seated in my living room shakes his head and exhales heavily.”I don’t know Mr. Lulamoon, I think that there are far more pressing issues you’ve pres—.”
“I promise that I won't miss another one of our appointments. I just don’t want to dwell on it right now; I’m trying to sort out all the other things in my life.”
Chance regards me with intense concern for a good five seconds before nodding dismissively and following me into the kitchen. “One cup of tea then, I can’t stay for too long; I’m just glad to see you’re not letting it drag you down, that you’re still making progress.”
Quietly I loose a rather morose chuckle, “Yeah... Barely.”
… She needs you, ‘Lio...
I find it funny that the majority of the important conversations between Chance and I deal with newspaper clippings and photographs. Less funny is the nature of the article on the table in Chance’s office.
“Disaster in Ponyville, Major trouble from an Ursa Minor!”
“... Traveling performer known as: The Great and Powerful Trixie...
“... Two colts ventured into the Everfree forest to procure the beast for Trixie’s act... “
“... Property damage was high, but thankfully there were no casualties.”
“I’m scared, Chance. I don’t like admitting that I’m scared, but this is my little girl involved here.”
“You have every right to be worried Mr. Lulamoon, but pacing won’t help.” Out of the corner of my eye I saw a green hoof motion toward a chair. “Care for a seat?”
Begrudgingly, I follow his suggestion and plant myself in the chair, holding my head up with my hooves. “What do I do, Chance? She may not care about or remember me... But I still love her, and now she’s all alone without her show equipment! How is she going to make a living, how is she going to get back on her hooves? How is she g—”
“Aphelion...”
My quickly crumbling line of logic was cut to an abrupt stop by the mention of my name.
“You’ve told me yourself on numerous occasions that Terra is a bright young mare.”
“I... I did say that, didn’t I?”
Chance smiles and nods his head. “You did.”
Uncertainty settles over me as I chase the prattling in my head away with a drawn-out breath. “Chance, it’s not often that I find myself unable to commit to a course of action. I want to do something for her; maybe send her some bits to help her get on her hooves again. On the other hoof, I wonder if staying out of things would be the best thing for her. I mean, you are right; she is smart and I’m sure she has things handled... I just wish I could do something for...”
A grin spreads across my face, the likes of which hasn’t been seen in nearly three years. Somehow I manage to fly over the chair between the door and I as I call out to my very befuddled psychiatrist. “I’ll see you next meeting!”
Poor Chance, he blinks a few times and flicks his gaze between the clock and I. “Where are you going, Aphelion?”
I poke my head through the crack in the doorway with a fleeting hope beaming from my expression. “I have a package to send.”
...Because, you’re all she’s going to have...
Dear Terra,
It’s been exactly six months since I last saw you, I was standing there on stage looking at what an amazing young mare you’ve become. And I’d just like to say that I am proud of you Terra.
But that is only part of why you find this letter in your hooves today. Three years is a very long time for anypony, and of course, I’ve spent a good deal of it thinking. Ever since you left I’ve been seeing a Psychiatrist, and he has helped me come to terms with what happened that night. But more importantly, where to go from that point in my life.
I want to tell you that I am sorry.
Ever since your mother died, I’ve held onto two promises that I made her before she died:
First, That I protect and give you the best possible life you could lead without her there. I tried my hardest to make sure you were happy, but ultimately I’ve come to realize that by trying so hard, I smothered your dreams and fostered the resentment that drove us apart.
Second, that you be named Terra. It was her choice to give you that name, and I think she knew what she was doing. She knew that you’d be put through a lot, and that you would need to be as strong as your namesake. But that is no reason that you should be forced to be earth-bound. I was wrong to not let you pursue your dreams. The more practical side of me tried to protect you from yourself when I should have trusted you.
I’m still a little upset about “Trixie”. When you changed your name, I was so distraught because it was the only tie to your mother that you had left. I saw it as the final strand tying us together as a family being severed. Seeing you throw that away, throwing your family away... It hurt me more than you could ever imagine. But while I can be upset about it, while I may not fully agree with it, you’re still my great and powerful little girl. I’m allowed to be a little angry with you, but know this: even if I don’t understand, if I don’t seem to approve; you can always count on the fact that I will love you, no matter what you call yourself.
In any case, I read the newspaper article, and I know what happened in Ponyville. I know that you probably are already back in show business. But in the off-chance that you aren’t, or that you have no fall-back plan, or that you even want to just come visit me. Know that my door will always be open to you.
I love you, I’m proud of you, I’m sorry, and most of all: I miss you.
To my Great and Powerful daughter with love,
~Aphelion Lulamoon
I read the note over once more, giving a small huff of conviction before I seal it within the envelope, place it inside the box, and bring the pot of lilies down from the window sill.
Gently I pluck the largest blossom from the bunch and softly lay it in the box as well. I fold the lid of the package and seal it, inscribing: “To: Terra ‘The Great and Powerful Trixie’ Lulamoon” on the top.
I take the little box outside and leave it in my mailbox before heading inside once more. I know it probably won’t work, I know that it was likely impossible to reach her with how much she travels. But I have to do something other than lament my situation. Because even if it doesn’t work; at least I tried.
… I love you both.
It’s been a while since I sent the package, I’ve still not gotten any indication that Terra received it. But all the same, it was good for me. As I sit here at the kitchen table, drinking my tea and reading the paper, I can’t help but feel... at peace, would be the word I suppose.
I guess that sending the package was more symbolic than anything, like lifting a great weight from my shoulders. At least, that’s what Chance has told me. I’m not sure that he’s completely right, but he is correct in the sense that I have been feeling much better over these last few weeks.
Knock knock
Then of course, there’s the fact that I missed this week’s meeting to go out with some friends; something I haven’t done in a very long time. Of course, forgetting to cancel the appointment was a mistake on my part, so of course Chance is going to come check on me after that promise I made.
Slowly I make my way to the door. It’s the weekend, and I don’t rush anything on the weekends, especially not morning tea.
Knock knock knock
I undo the deadbolt with my magic and open the door with a half chuckle.
“Alright, alright! I’m here! How can I help y—”
I expected to see Chance again, it wouldn’t have surprised me at all given the circumstances. But the first thing I see is a very specific blue lily, nestled in a silvery mane, owned by a blue-coated mare with an unfamiliar but hopeful smile.
"Hey dad..."
My mind locks up, unable to think, unable to see, unable to breathe. Instinctively I fall forward and embrace the mare before me and pull her close. An awkward silence permeates the air as we both embrace each other. And then, with what starts as a few sniffles, grows into sobbing. Tears drench our shoulders as she manages to choke out a few words.
“Tr-Trix- I m-missed you d-dad...”
“It’s been so... so l-long, Terra.”
She presses her head into my shoulder and weeps with me, my mind flashes back to her bed, my little filly bawling into my shoulder because of a bully at her school. Simply from reflex, I stroke her mane with my hoof, and try to calm her with gentle a soft whisper of air.
“Shooooosh... shoosh... Terra, y-you’re okay. You’re home, p-please... don’t cry...”
Some hypocrite I am. Tears cascade down my face and across my massive smile as I gently usher her inside. She seems very nervous, very... vulnerable. I wonder for a moment why she’s so submissive; I suppose it must be difficult for her to go from “the Great and Powerful Trixie” to “the Timid and Apologetic Terra”.
“Wait here...” I sputter as I dash to the kitchen. I gather my tea set and bring it out to the table, pouring a cup for us both. As I return, I pause in the doorway; a tear forms in my eye as I struggle to fight back the urge to bawl openly: Terra has the same look of captivation and wonder as she did every time I took her to the observatory as a filly. That same look of intrigue, that zeal for life she’s always had is still there...
“It’s almost exactly how Tr- I remember it... Well, there seem to be quite a few more pictures of me than before.”
I pour out the tea into two small cups and offer one to my daughter. “Things didn’t change much, I managed to hold onto what little I had of you and Aurora.” Terra blinks a few times and softly sips her tea with all the formality of a Canterlot noble. “Have you eaten?”
“N-no... Coming here was the first thing that... I... wanted to do.”
“Why?”
“E-excuse Tr- Me?”
“Why did you come back?” I sniffled. “I thought you hated me.”
I watch my daughter avert her gaze and swish the amber liquid in the cup. “It was... A large number of reasons.”
“I have nothing but time.”
She sips her tea and regards me for a moment with... fear? I can’t quite pin it, but whatever it is. She’s reluctant to say the least. “Trixie remembers the first few days she was on her own. She was angry, bitter, jaded... But mostly scared. Trixie remembers... wanting to prove you wrong, more than anything else.” Terra closed her eyes and hung her head slightly. “You always told Tr- Terra- me, you always told me that I’d never be able to make a living from show business.”
It takes a few moments of quiet contemplation as I stare into my daughters pained eyes. She was trusting me, allowing me to strike at her with my words if I chose to, or to inadvertently hurt her if I wasn’t careful. “I... I know. I said that it was risky, but I don’t think I ever said you couldn’t do it. In either case, it was wrong of me to not believe in you, Terra. I’m sorry...”
And there it is, that innocent, cautious smile. It’s not much, but it’s enough for me.
“After a while, Tri- Oh by the stars... Trixie is sor- UGH.”
I manage my own cautious smile as my hoof motions her onward. “It’s fine, Terra.”
“...Old habits die hard.”
My gut wrenches slightly as I recall a few of the more... Vocal sessions I had with Chance. “Yes they do... You were saying?”
“Yes, Well after a rather long run of shows... I... decided that I needed a stage name, something befitting a showpony of Trixie’s caliber.”
“I remember the day I learned about that... All too well.” I take another drink from my cup and sigh. “I cursed your name, told myself I had no daughter, called you... A lot of things I didn’t mean.” My little girl’s fleeting smile was replaced with abhorrent fear as I quickly sputtered out: “And looking back, I regret it all.”
“I... I see...”
“Hey.” I slowly place my hoof under Terra’s chin and lift her eyes to mine. “That was the anger speaking. That was then, this is now, and I couldn’t be happier to call you my daughter.”
“Tri- I... Thank you...” Terra took a deep sigh and relaxed a little. I wish I could see what she was thinking, all the doubts and fears she harbors for me. How I wish I could just go through her mind and banish those demons for her... If I hadn’t been the one who put them there in the first place. “I had gotten to be fairly renowned, and truth be told, I-I had forgotten about you, dad... Trixie- I mean... I was happy, and doing what I loved for a living; nothing else really mattered.
“Then Tri- I called a dark blue stallion up on stage... and... and— I... suddenly, I didn’t feel great and powerful... I felt... Guilty. I couldn't even hear what you said. Trixie was just too stunned, she couldn't believe you were there! You looked so much older than s— I remembered, so... tired. I— I didn't know what to say." Her voice cracks as shimmering tears threaten to spill over.
Which they do, less than a second later.
"And then after they had dragged you away, I thought I'd imagined it. But I didn't. And I just... I wanted to say that I'm sorry. Ter- I realized that I had never even tried to talk to you again, I had never written, I never tried! Because I said nothing, I rejected your apology in front of all of Equestria...
“I-I tried to deal with the sadness, but only a few months later I got too boastful, tr-trying to save my image... a pair of colts brought an ursa minor into town... I lost everything. I had to leave town, taking the bits I had on me to try and start again. I-I knew I couldn’t come back, not after what I’d done... I... I tried... There was... a-a...
My daughter collapses into her forehooves, weeping as she attempts to form words through the tears. But a strange calm settles over me as I watch her grief and guilt washed away, and I briefly wonder if it's Aurora, telling me what do.
I get up from my chair and walk over to embrace my daughter, my strong, independent, great and powerful daughter as she cries into my mane.
"But you're here now. It's going to be alright."
Minutes pass in total silence, with the occasional sniffle punctuating the air. I look up to the picture of Aurora and I on the wall, then back down to the glossy eyes of my little girl.
There’s a smile, it’s weak, but it’s there, and most importantly, it isn’t afraid.
“D-dad?”
“Yes, sweetie?”
“One of the things... I remembered the most about you, was a particular story you told me once, about you and mom... and what it meant...
“I think it went something like this...”
Slowly her horn glows and she pulls the lily from her hair, softly tucking it behind my ear as she leans her head to my chest.
Oh, how I love the color blue.
