Culture osmosis

Chrysalis had her back to the desert, prompting me to wonder how she got there. A changeling burrowed out of the ground beside her, instantly answering my question. I growled at her. “Well well, seems we have the bitch queen here.”

         I bent all my legs, which I hoped would still be akin to a humans defensive stance. I stared her down with as much malice as I could muster, which probably wasn’t that scary considering the fact that I’m a pony. I was trying though damn it, and that’s all that matters. Chrysalis seemed less than frightened, and I felt myself being floated up so I could see her at eye level. She stared at me as though she were a cat with a mouse. “Well hello there. So you’re Celestia’s new pet. I don’t think we’ve been acquainted. I’m Chrysalis, queen of the changeling horde.” I tried to respond, but my mouth was firmly closed by magic. “Oh, do you want to talk? Well you seem a bit to boring, so why don’t you go play with Zenith?” I felt myself be thrown towards the back of the black-armored horde. The last thing I could catch from Chrysalis was directed at Twilight. “Oh, Ms.Sparkle, just who I was looking for. We have much to talk about.”

        I fell in the middle of a makeshift circle of changelings. I readied myself, if B-movies had taught me anything, I was probably about to fight something. Some of the Changelings moved aside, and a baby changeling walked in. It crawled over to me while giggling. I sat down and looked at all the changelings around me. It was hard to read their facial expressions, but most seemed to be making sure the baby was okay. I looked around at all the various changelings before I felt something grab my leg. The little changeling appeared to be hugging it. “Well hello there little guy, what’s your name?” He splurged out some funky sounding humming before climbing on top of my head and posing like a general. I laughed and started running in circles. “Yes my master. Onwards, to victory!”  In all the merriment of playing with kids I almost forgot what was happening. Once I realized that Twilight was alone with an evil queen, I ran through the nearest horde of Changelings I saw. “Excuse me, sorry gotta make sure everythings cool with my friends.” They started to growl at me a bit, but before they could even try to stop me I busted through the horde.

        I had actually ran the right direction, which surprised me. What surprised me more though, was the lack of fire and death battle happening where Chrysalis and Twilight were a moment ago. The tent had an open flap with a voice coming out of it. I turned to face it quickly. I felt something fall onto my back, but there was time for that later. I ran through the tent flap. What I saw astounded me. Twilight was sitting at a table, mouth agape, staring at me. Chrysalis was sitting opposite to her, a cup of tea calmly floating in front of her as she looked towards me. She tilted her head sideways, and opened her mouth. “Why is Zenith on your back?”

        I looked over my shoulder to indeed find my baby changeling friend happily sitting on me. I smiled at him. “You decide to stick with me?” He gurgled in response. “I am pretty awesome I guess. So why can’t you stay there?” He flopped down and let his legs ragdoll, poor little guy must have been tuckered out. I turned and looked back at the confused unicorn and superior looking queen. The both stared at me. I instantly activated super suave mode: 9000. “So, you guys aren’t killing each other, That’s good. So what did I miss.”

        Twilight looked like she was about to lose her temper at me. “We WERE having peace negotiations. At least, until you kidnapped one of their foals.”

        I looked back at Zenith, who was happily napping on my back. I did the first thing that came to mind. I stomped like an angry four year old. “But he was so cute Twilight!”

        Twilight facehoofed at me while Chrysalis sipped her tea calmly. “Well, he does seem to have taken quite the shine to you. I shall bestow him upon you as a peace gift of the Changeling horde.”

        I sat there a minute. I was about to comment, but Twilight was like a demon on speed and beat me to it. “Wait, what!? You’re bestowing a pony as a gift? What about it’s mom?”

Chrysalis looked at Twilight. “I am it’s mother. He was the forty second of my last litter. He’s by far the weakest, so he would just get culled anyways. If it makes him happy and makes negotiations easier, then he’s served his hive beautifully.”

        Twilight looked like she was about to refuse. Or maybe cry, but I jumped in at the perfect moment. I jumped up and propelled Zenith into my wings. “You hear that buddy, the creepy bug lady said I could keep you.”

        Twilight decided to use the most popular method of dealing with me when kids are around. It’s called the ‘fuck it’ strategy. “If you’re done Greenhorn, we need a mediator to make sure this stays fair, and since you’re not from Equestria you fit the bill nicely, wouldn’t you say?” I used my wings to shrug before sitting at one of the nearby tables. After all, how bad could this possibly be?

* * *

        “Oh dear Lord, when will all this boring crap end!?” I threw myself over my chair, trying to pose as dramatically as I could. All it earned me was a disappointed glare from Twilight. “Why are peace talks so BORING?”

        Chrysalis looked at me for a moment, before resuming the talks. “All I ask is that you allow infiltrators, such as Zenith here, to enter Equestria and harvest excess emotions to feed my hive. Is that so much to ask?”

        Twilight levitated a teapot towards her cup and poured some tea. “Well, we need some form of insurance that you won’t kidnap our ponies. How can we be sure you’ll remain peaceful when hard times hit your nation?”

        Chrysalis looked offended. “You have the word of a queen, is that not enough?”

        Twilight looked irritated back. “You’re the queen of spies. I think that’s reason enough to have a little bit of distrust. Plus you hospitalized at least fifteen percent of Canterlots residents with that display at the wedding.”

        I had only been there two minutes, and I was already bored. I decided it was time for some logic I read in a comic book. “Hey guys. It’ll take awhile for this to end, so I can I put in my two cents?” They both looked at me silently, which I took as a cue to continue. “Well, I’m speaking out my ass here, but couldn’t you make an academy to educate the infiltrators on how to be like regular ponies. Then fully integrate them into pony society as a permanent resident.”

        Twilight and Chrysalis looked at each other for a minute before Twilight spoke up. “That... could work.”

        Chrysalis nodded. “Indeed, if you would allow an allowance for an academy, as well as pay for the changeling, then negotiations are concluded.”

        Twilight almost stood up in outrage. “Oh no, we can’t fund all that. You’ll have to get them.”

        Chrysalis herself stood up to face the new element brought to the table. “We are still recovering from your brothers near-genocide of our people, we cannot support any type of academy, not even for the children.”

        Twilight also stood up, and almost woke up the still napping Zenith on my back. “Well you can’t expect us to pay for everything. After all, you brought all that pain to yourself when you attacked our nation.”

        I stood up, only slightly taller than Twilight and almost as tall as Chrysalis. “Both of you calm down. You’re acting like children, sheesh. Now sit back down and have some more tea, maybe that’ll calm you down. I should slide some roofies in them just to shut you up.”

        Chrysalis grumbled about commoners commanding her, but sat back down. Twilight however, stood fast. She looked at me, and for a moment, I thought she was gonna yell at me. Her response was much more worrying. “What’s a roofie?”

        My mind went into overdrive. Inadvertently mentioning date-rape to a pony was pretty high on my ‘shit I never thought would happen’ list, so I had no idea what to do. “Um, I.... I’ll tell you when you’re older.”

        Twilight lowered an ear at me quizzically before she shook her head. “You’re a weirdo.” With that being her parting remark she sat back down, taking a sip of her tea “Anyways Chrysalis, we really can’t fund both the academy and the changelings. If you could take care of your own, we could staff a small facility to educate your infiltrators. We’ll be minimally staffed of course. I would estimate we could send through the first batch of changelings in a year, assuming that they learn at a similar rate as ponies.”

        Chrysalis seemed to be calmer as well, and nodded at Twilight. “I think we could manage, all they need is small amounts of love and a home. They learn slightly faster than most ponies, but a year sounds like a good estimate. Until then, we will manage. I assume this concludes the mandatory peace talks?”

        Twilight smiled. “Sounds like it to me. Did you deal with the Saddle Arabians?”

        Chrysalis nodded. “As an initial peace gift, we infiltrated the base government of Saddle Arabia. They had plans to kill the negotiators as a bid for war. We sabotaged their plans and killed the current generals. My guess is that they’ll be in disarray for at least another five years. You should have time to attack and conquer if you see fit.”

        Twilight nodded. “As per our agreement, you can have any prisoners that you may need, so long as they’re treated well. I believe this concludes all issues?” Twilight stood up at the end of her statement, raising a hoof to Chrysalis.

        Chrysalis herself stood up and rose a hoof to Twilight. “Indeed. If you’ll excuse me, I must take my leave now.” She looked at me with anger in her eyes. “And you. If you ever hurt poor Zenith, I will hunt you down and kill you. I don’t care if he would’ve died anyways, take care of him, or you will pay. And I collect debts with copious amounts of interest.” With that a green whirlwind swept her away, leaving me with a newfound fear of bugs. Even if it was racist.

        Twilight looked over to me. “Hey Greenhorn, you even know how to take care of a changeling foal?”

        I looked at Zenith. “Nope, I have no idea what the heck I’m doing.”

        Twilight deadpanned. “Well, I’ll look for a book that has changeling feeding habits.. In the meantime, don’t kill your new kid.” She moved away with a purple flash, and soon I felt the purple magic take hold of my innards. I heard a child giggling and off we went through the teleportation stuff. Shut up, I don’t know what to call it.

        We popped out by the Ponyville library. Which was exponentially better than the middle of a desert. I popped into existence with Twilight beside me. A crowd slowly formed around the two ponies who had appeared out of nowhere. I looked at all the unfamiliar faces and had a stroke of genius. “TWILIGHT, YOU FOOL!! YOU SENT US BACK TO THE OLD AGE OF EQUSS!! TAKE US BACK BEFORE WE’RE NOTICED!!”

        The ponies quickly left our grouping as Twilight looked at me like a madman. I heard a small sigh from my back as a few of the younger ponies peeked out from buildings to look at the time travelers’. I walked back into the library with a stupid smile on my face. I was greeted by Spike sitting on the couch with a magazine in his hands. He noticed me and slowly got up. He stretched a bit before talking to me. “Hey man, got your clock in your house for you. Anything else you need?”

        I smiled at him. “Yes indeedy, Spike old boy. Can you get me a crib, I picked up a souvenir from Queen Chrysalis.” I turned around, presenting a happily swaying Zenith to the small dragon.

        He looked at me for a second before raising a finger to point at me. “I- is that a changeling? A changeling foal, no less!?”

        Twilight walked in with a sigh. “Unfortunately Spike. Can you get me a book on changeling eating habits. Our genius friend here didn’t ask how to take care of Zenith there.”

        I frowned, I figured I knew how to raise him. “Hey, I already know how to raise him.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Oh, really? Please explain it to me then, in detail so I can check your work.”

        A quill and paper appeared from nowhere. I thought for a minute. “Well, he’s a species of a pony bug hybrid, so that would indicate that he was born from an egg. He’s radiating body heat so he’s warm-blooded. He feeds off of love, so he won’t go hungry around here. Then there’s other habits he may have. I’ll admit I have no idea about them.” I made sure to wiggle my back making Zenith happily giggle. “But he was so cute I couldn’t say no.”

        Twilight shook her head at me. “That was pretty close to what you need to know. I’ll tell you what, you let me do some non-invasive tests on him, and I’ll find all the books on changeling foals for you that I can find.”

I turned back around so she could see my face easier and flashed a huge smile. “Sounds like a plan chica.”

        She looked at me for a minute, bewildered. “What does chica mean?”

        I lost a step again, apparently they didn’t have spanish here. “OH, uh... it means chick, but in the connotation of a girl.”

        I shuffled about as we stood in awkward silence. Spike decided to be the one who broke the silence. “Hey, I don’t know about you guys, but I’m gonna hit the hay. It’s almost nine y’know.” With that he shuffled out of the room, leaving behind whatever magazine he had been reading.

        I looked back at my back to see Zenith wobbling about looking dangerously close to sleepy. “Yeah, I gotta run home to, see you Twilight!” With a haphazard wave I galloped out of her library with a small passenger and a stolen saddlebag.

        When I reached my house Zenith was already asleep. I moved to open the door, but it was locked. “Damn, how do I get in now?” A small yawn reminded me not to curse. I set out looking for a way to open up my house without looking like a home invader. I lapped around my house once, twice, then the third time the forest growled at me so I stayed put. I looked down and saw a small box on the ground. It wasn’t there before, so it instantly caught my attention. I opened it up and inside was my key. I figured Spike left it there and unlocked my house. I then met with problem number one. I had one bed, and two people here. There was really no choice. “I’ll get you a crib in the morning little one.” With that I lowered him onto my bed and took up a post on the floor. It wasn’t going to be a restful night.