Culture osmosis

by Nobodyslament

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Adventure, Human
Length: 18939

As a boy is propelled into the land of Equestria he must face a culture opposite to his own. Now he must write how the culture is affected by him, and how it affects him. But as everyone already knows, nothing ever goes to plan in Equestria.

Jonathan was an average kid. He did high school, hung with friends, and was a brony. He had a plan, a few talents, and maybe even a few chances at success. But when an all-powerful being stages a kidnapping in the name of entertainment he has to deal with being thrust into a world with an entirely different culture, setting, and species. He could probably have dealt with this, after all, he was a pretty tolerant guy. The problem comes, with the fact that the world is Equestria. Now he has to deal with new friends, and the memories of the old ones, and what evils could be waiting in the wings.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-21 19:05:01 UTC

A New Challenger Appears

        I walked through my house, desperately bored. I had done my laundry, practice drill, and watched some my little pony. Why? Because fuck you, that’s why. I had nothing to do, what with my parents out of town, so I contented myself to trying to build legopolis, the lego city of the future. It normally would have distracted me for a few hours, but some shit happened to mess me up. First, the doorbell rang, which made me spill the backpack full of legos on the floor, and two, I realized I had forgotten to walk my dog. The dog looked ready to leak on the floor, so I grabbed her leash and went to the door, thinking I would get to mess with some poor salesman or something. I opened the door and my dog bolted out, leaving me staring at a box, roughly the size of myself. If I was a midget that would have been okay, but I’m six three. Needless to say, I was wondering what the hell a huge box was doing at my house.

        I let my dog do her business before reeling her in and letting her back inside. I closed the door and turned to face the box. As I said, it was roughly my height. The other catching detail was that it was slightly wider than my door. I looked around the side before noticing it was labeled to me. “Weird.” I tried not to lose much of a step, and ran inside to grab my knife. I came back out with my old hunting knife. The thing had a razor edge, and proved to be a worthy opponent for the cardboard box. Inside the box was a black rectangle, only slightly smaller than the box it came in. Being of a scientific mind, I did the first option available to me. I kicked it. “Ow, fuck fuck fuck shit damn.” I started hopping around on one foot, falling prey to the rectangle which proved to be as hard as diamonds. I didn’t let this distract me however, and searched over the box.

        After a rousing two seconds, I found something that piqued my interest. A note was taped over a nice yellow button. After briefly questioning the buttons color, I tore of the note to read it. “To, whoever I sent this box to. Hope you’re bored, cause this’ll fix it.” I raised an eyebrow at the note, then shrugged and threw it behind my back. After thinking it over for a few seconds, I decided on a course of action. “This is sketchy as all get out. Guess I should press the button.” With a scream of animal rage I punched towards the button, letting the town here my current thoughts. “FOR SCIENCE!” When my fist made contact with the button, I had a pure moment of realization. I was an idiot for doing this, then everything went white.

* * *

        I don’t know how long I was out but when I woke up, I was pretty far from home. I was in what looked like a whirlpool, with me standing in the eye. The whirlpool itself was a sickly yellow color, with a tinge of black dotting it’s spirals. I sat there for a few moments before finally commenting. “If I’m dead, then purgatory looks like a pretty boring place.” I looked around for a bit before getting bored. After all, who wants to spend eternity looking at a whirlpool? “Hey, anybody listening? Customer service is requested in isle wherever the Hell I am.”

        I heard a low chuckle emanate from the very whirlpool surrounding me. It had a fatherly feel to it, and slowly died off with a throat clearing. “Ah yes, you must be the one who got my box. I’m guessing Jonathan, right?”

I looked around, trying to find a source for the voice. No harm in responding, hopefully. “Yeah. So... what? I got a creepy all powerful stalker or something?”

The chuckle came back, and this time stayed for a bit longer. “No, just a helpful watcher. You see, I’ve been watching the world for so long, and for all of humanity’s good they always seem to mess it up for the first century or so. So, I had an idea, take a kid who is old enough to have some brains, but young enough to tolerate things, and ship him off to an alien world as a science experiment. I can guess what’ll happen, but maybe you’ll prove me wrong.”

I sat there for a minute. “But what about my family, and friends? I can’t just leave them behind, don’t I get a say in this?”

        The voice responded more quickly this time, with almost a sad tone in it;s voice. “No, you don’t. I already know what you’re thinking. You’re wondering why not. I’ll tell you, once I feel like you know why you shouldn’t come back. Anyway’s, I’ve spent too much personal time with you, keep safe my friend. Maybe we’ll meet again.” And with that, I stopped being in the eye of the whirlpool. I feel into the sea of yellow and black, until the constant pressure forced me into unconsciousness.

* * *

        I woke back up, a small bump on my head. I refused to open my eyes. I moved myself to a seated position before trying to rub my head. A rock bumped into it. Resigning myself to my baser desires I slumped back down to a nice grass pillow. I decided to fill the gap of time with my normal morning ritual, muttering. “Fucking alien world. This place is gonna have xenomorphs ain't it? Hey, maybe it’ll be cool though. I might get to hang with some space marines, or maybe it’s an actual alien race. I might get to have first encounter with a race no one's ever heard of before. Fuck it, that’s all the motivation I need.” I bolted up and opened my eyes, only to be greeted with eyes filling my entire vision. “HOLY SHIT!” My survival instincts went on high alert, and after throwing a wild punch at whatever that thing was I ran off in the opposite direction on all fours.It was strangly comfortable running on all fours, and I didn’t stop until I reached a nice wooded area far from the bounds of normal society. After much deliberation mentally, I did the only thing I thought safe. Took a nap.

        I awakened to the sights of twilight, and a nearby muttering. Still not focusing on my surroundings I tried to listen to it. TO my surprise to spoke english, it also seemed to be talking to me. “Um, if you don’t mind, mr. squirrel needs into his hutch, and um.. you kind of sleeping on it. Could you move please?” I rolled over a bit, bumping into something. I opened my eyes and tried to locate the voice that was moving me from my naptime. After I found it I bolted up. In front of me, was a pony. But not just any pony, it was freaking Fluttershy. I shook my head and tried to compose myself a bit. It didn’t seem to work. In the end, she was forced to pick up the conversation. “Um, what are you doing by Everfree Forest? If you don’t mind me asking?”

                My inner gentlemen came forth, and I stood up to respond. “This is the Everfree? I’m sorry, I just got dropped here and don’t know the area. To be honest I was just kind of sleepy. Ah well, now that nap time's over I should probably find a place to bunk down for the night. Any suggestions ma’am?” I managed to hold true to my normal way of dealing with insanity, which was to sort it out when convenient. Though, meeting Fluttershy proved to stress my ability to ignore the unrealness of my current scenario.

        Fluttershy managed to keep from running away, so I imagined I wasn’t being that scary. Though she was shivering a bit when she actually talked to me. “Um, the library has an overnight room. I know the mare that runs the place. I-if you need me to, I could lead you there. U-unless you h-have something else planned I mean.” She shrunk down, leaving herself a small circle in the middle of a clearing. How could I say no to a girl like that?

        I smiled. “That would be lovely miss....” I tripped over my words, if she knew I knew her name, then things would get weird, and I didn’t want to scare her off. Luckily for me, she took it as an invitation to introduce herself.

        “Oh, I’m so sorry. I’m Fluttershy, and what’s your name? I mean... if you don’t mind.”

        I couldn’t resist, I giggled at that. A smile was a rare occurance in my world. It’s not that I was sad, I just rarely saw reason to smile. I kept my smile firmly attached to my face as thought of a name. Jonathan wasn’t a very pony name, and I needed to blend in. I defaulted  to my nickname when I first started high school. “I’m Greenhorn, nice to meet you Fluttershy.” I extended a hand, and froze. It was a hoof. A motherfucking hoof. How and why weren’t important, but it was there, and it was throwing off my clever facade of normality. I blinked away my confusion. Luckily for me, Fluttershy didn’t notice.

        She took my hoof in some strange hoof-wrap thing which I guess equals a handshake. She fell back into a slightly quivering ball and started walking. “F-follow me please.” and with that, I could feel an epic journey begin.

        The library was quite the little walk away, which gave me time to think about my current predicament. I was currently in Equestria, as a pony, chilling with Fluttershy. How in the Hell do you react to this? I had an unknown, all-powerful overlord controlling where I was with no reason, and I had little hope of seeing my friends again. What in Gods name was I supposed to do right now. I tried to cement some memories in my mind. First there was my ex, a good girl, if a bit wary of things I still viewed her as one of the reasons I’m a good person today. Next was family, my mom, sister and father were at the top of the list. By God they were probably freaking out right now. I blinked away some tears, hoping nobody had seen it. It’s never that easy though. I heard a meek voice from my right and saw Fluttershy staring at me. “Are, are you okay?”

Shit, I really hated people seeing me melt, even if it was only a little. I embraced the cold, distancing my pissy moods brought. “No, it’ my problems, I’ll fix it.” She seemed to drop it at that, though I doubted that she did. Hopefully it wouldn’t come up again until I had sorted out all my problems myself. I shook my head from side to side, clearing it of any unwanted thoughts. Needless to say, the rest of the walk passed in silence.

The library was similar to the way the show showed it as, but that wasn’t important. The important thing was that the series never showed you how big the fucker was. It made the White house look like a play house. Fluttershy walked up and knocked on the door, which made a sound almost like a scratching cat with how light she knocked. Despite her light knocking,an answer was almost instantaneous. The door slowly creaked open, and Twilight Sparkle answered the door. I thought she would be an alicorn, but there she stood, a unicorn if ever there was one. Questioning it would only lead to more questions so I let it drop. Twilight looked up from her levitating book to see who actually knocked. “Oh, Fluttershy. What brings you this way?”

Fluttershy gestured towards me before talking, a bit less of a quiver in her voice. “This stallion was sleeping on a tree in the forest. He said he was just dropped off and had nowhere to stay, I thought your overnight room might be open.”

Twilight looked over to me, noticing me for the first time. “Oh, alrighty then. I think it’s wide open, I’ll get Spike to clean it up.”

As if on cue a little dragon walked through one of the doors. I felt my mouth drop for a second. I had always loved dragons, even when I was a little kid. Seeing one was just amazing. Once again the ponies seemed more observant than people. Twilight cocked her head to the side before shock overcame her face. “I’m so sorry, I forgot that most ponies have never seen a dragon. Spike, could you go get the guest room ready while I see who are new guest is?” With a salute spike went up the stair, carrying a broom like a little soldier.

Fluttershy slowly slinked out of the house, making a retreat that I had almost missed. I was pulled into a kitchen by Twilight, who seemed to have a vague idea what was going on. She looked me over, then nodded as if confirming her own thoughts. She moved to get a tea set before speaking. “Jonathan, right? Princess Celestia said you were coming, though she mentioned you might be using a different name. She said that someone was sending you to be a researcher.” All this overwhelmed me at the moment, and I just nodded dumbly. Twilight took a moment to breath before continuing. “Oh, where are my manners, I’m Twilight Sparkle, what should I call you?” THe massive amount of ponies, implied knowledge, and confusion finally got to me, and for the third time today, and the fifth time in my life, I blacked out.

How Do I Pony?

        I was sitting in my bathroom. It wasn’t unusual for me to sit on the porcelain throne, it was an area I could go that nobody would annoy me. I stood up and stared into the mirror. My reflection stared back, my dirty blond hair neatly trimmed to it’s normal shortness. The light faded a little bit, with the mirror being the only thing I could see. I broke into a smile, and the mirror cracked. My face was split into three different sections. The first was me, a grin on my face, as if the world was perfect. The next me was in the middle, a expression of manic joy, the face was frozen in the middle of a bout of laughter. The last me was crying, the frozen visage covered in tears. I backed away from the mirror, not stopping at the wall. I slowly moved back and upwards gaining an aerial view of the city. I watched as the city caught fire, and slowly blazed itself until nothing was left to burn. I floated towards my house, but before I could see what lay in the ashes, I heard a voice. “Not ready yet my friend.”

* * *

        I woke up in a cold sweat, my eyes stinging a little bit. I rolled off of the bed I was on. This fact caused me to think for a minute. Last thing I remembered was fainting in a library, how was I in a bed? My mental functions were still solidly in the booting up phase of the day, and went something like this.

        How did I get here?

        Why do my wings itch?

        Why do I have wings?

        I should look in that mirror there.

        Oh right, I’m a pony.

        HOLY SHIT I’M A PONY WITH WINGS!

        WHERE DID I GET WINGS?

        Can I fly?

        Is that someone knocking on the door?

        I turned to face a small purple dragon opening the door. My brain had a few more functions now, and most of them agreed on a good course of action. I raised a hoof and pointed at Spike. “Oh my God, it’s a fucking dragon.”

        Granted this was an infantile reaction, but it summed up my thoughts pretty well. Granted, Spike took it in stride. “Oh my Celestia, it’s a freaking pony.” He copied my expression and pointed at me slowly. I raised an eyebrow and looked at him. He lowered his hand as I lowered my hoof, making a nice symmetrical picture. He cleared his throat and a small puff of fire came out. “Anyway’s, Twi said before I introduce myself, I’m supposed to give you this and let you read it. So, here, and stuff.” He passed me a scroll with some fancy seal on it or something. I popped it open and read it.

Dear Jonathan,

I am Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria. I am an immortal being that has helped steer the fate of my kingdom for generations, and I have been informed of you. A friend of mine said he spoke to you after you paged him, which I have no idea what means, but I have owed him a favor. Therefore, I am sending you a letter with all you need to know.

I understand you are a stranger to this land, and our mutual friend has apprised me of your situation. He has requested I help you, and I will gladly help. My offer, if you wish to accept it, is similar to that of my most faithful student’s. You will stay at local ponyville housing, and once a week send me a report about cultural differences between your old home, and Equestria. You are free to adopt a more pony-like name, but make sure it is something you don’t mind.

In other news, I was warned that your original home has serious violence tendencies, I ask that you control them, or face very severe consequences

From

Princess Celestia

        I looked it over again. I assumed by mutual friend she meant asshole that transported me here, but besides that it was mostly greek to me. What does she mean ‘local housing’ and more importantly, write a report about cultural differences? I was used to writing a lot, paperwork was one of my most common activities back home. I really hated reports though, and I sucked at writing without some motivation. I perked up an eyebrow and looked at Spike. “Well, guess I should introduce myself. I’m Greenhorn, a talking, flying pony.”

        Spike looked at me before shrugging. “I’m Spike, the fire-breathing dragon. Twilight normally deals with the guests, so I’m not that good with this kinda thing. So... uh, want some breakfast.”

        I lept into attention. “Food? If you just said anything related to food, I’m in. The catch, it must involve waffles... or french toast.”

        Spike looked at me and slowly turned around. “Well, whatever I’ll throw whatever I feel like on, you can have that or make your own.” As he walked out the door I realized a tiny dragon just threw an ultimatum at me. What a strange start to a day. Ah well, I shouldn’t philosiphize before breakfast. Philosiphize is a word now, don’t question it.

        The bedroom I was in was kind of like a loft. It was situated at the very top of three flights of stairs, which meant that I had to deal with climbing with four hooves. “FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.” There was a gentle chorus of profanity as I rolled down the stairs like a majestic dodo bird. I like to think I managed to smooth out my landing, but lying to myself never solved anything. In the end I ended up rolled into a pony pretzel at the bottom of the stairs.

        I sat there for a minute trying to untangle my various limbs from each other. As I fought my own limbs I heard a clicking from behind me. Now, I’ve been caught in weirder situations than that before, but everythings harder to explain when ponies are involved. It’s a fact of life. I tried to turn around to face the person who saw me in my less than respectable position. Unfortunately, this led to a sudden release of the pent up energy in my hooves. I sped around the floor before hitting a wall, normally that would have ended my torture, but fucking pony logic says differently. I hit the wall, and sped up it, still hurting from the impact with the wall. I continued to ricochet around the room until I slowly spun out to face the source of the clicking noise. It was Twilight Sparkle. I threw up a grin. “Well howdy there, how’s your morning?”

        Twilight stared at me a second, then looked at the small amount of property damage I had caused with my gravity defying antics. Honestly, I don’t see why she was so miffed, I only knocked over four or five bookshelves. She shook her head and started to walk away. “It was a lot better a second ago.” I threw another smile out the door as she walked off. I turned to face my minor property damage more closely. The library itself was surprisingly intact. It had bookshelves lining the walls, with only a few actually being felled by my brief flight. A table in the middle had an open book on it. I walked over and looked at the cover. It was titled ‘Ancient beasts of legend’ I thought it might make a good report if I ever actually made one. It was then I smelt the sweet smell of french toast, and my hunger compelled me to run to the kitchen.

I ran into the kitchen with my trademarked line. “I smell something great, must be the neighbours.” I sat there for a minute waiting for the awaited reply. It never came. I saw Twilight and Spike staring at me. I shook it off, I’ll get home soon enough, then I can go back to my stupid routines. “Sorry, force of habit. What smells like French Toast?”

        Spike grabbed a plate with a smile and put it in front of me. “Man, your accents funny. It’s not French, it’s Prench. I thought that might be what you wanted, so I cooked some up.” HIs smile was infectious, and soon we had struck up a conversation on the subject of cooking. While I wasn’t a master chef, I had some experience in baking, and made a pretty mean cake if I do say so myself.

        Our conversation was winding down after a few minutes, and it was centered on all the ponies around town I should know. Spike was articulating his points with grandiose gestures. “I think you should introduce yourself to Timeturner first. He’s our town clock keeper. He’ll set you up with a clock on a budget, though you still need to talk about that with Twilight don’t you?”

        At the mention of her name Twilight snapped out of her reading coma. She was wearing glasses that made her look adorkable. It was like watching a baby play with a phone. She moved a bookmark into the spine and looked around, before focusing on her empty plate. “Didn’t I have some Prench toast too?”

        I quickly turned to face a particularly fascinating crack in the ceiling. Meanwhile, Spike was laughing his purple ass off. “Blame Greenhorn, he decided if you didn’t want to eat it, then he would.”

        Twilight crossed her eyes at me. If I had been in a serious mood I would have run for cover, but seeing her in those glasses with crossed eyes was so cute I just fell over laughing. “I have no regrets. Except maybe that I didn’t eat more of them.” Spike fell out of his chair, and laughed so hard that flames flew out of his mouth.

        Twilight huffed her cheeks out a bit before composing herself. “Well, I still have to talk to you about finance. I’m assuming I should call you Greenhorn. To start of I’m Twilight Sparkle, as Spike told you. The princess told me that I’m supposed to give you a few things. First there’s this.” She pulled out a large key from a basket nearby. “It goes to a small house near the Everfree Forest. I can get Spike to lead you there. Then there’s the rest of the bag. It has a few bit’s, a... uh currency conversion table?” She looked at the basket. “Must be a really small table. Anyways, I’d love to get to meet you, but I have to work on some projects, so ask Spike if you need anything.” With that she walked off, leaving me in the room with a dragon.

        I looked around at the room. Spike had already thrown all the dishes in the sink. He was currently staring at them forlornly. I knew that look, it was the look of ‘I really don’t wanna do this’. I decided to save his skin. “Hey Spike, you wanna show me to the house I apparently own.”

        Spike did a fist pump right there. He turned around faced me. “Sure thing. It’s a little walk away, but I could give you some directions from the air.”

        I grinned a bit sheepishly. “I don’t really know how to fly yet. the wings are a bit of a new addition.”

        Spike looked at me funny before shaking his head. “Alright then, follow me, I’ll get you there.”

        We walked for around thirty minutes. Our conversation was muted due to me deciding that I should be trying to practice flying. I managed to figure out how to hover for a few seconds, before crashing and giving Spike a wave of laughter. We finally reached the forest, which had my new house sitting there. I stared at it for a second. It was slightly dilapidated, and the paint was chipping. The door was barely held on, and I doubted it could stand up to a strong wind. Spike rubbed the back of his head. “I know it’s not a lot bit-’

        I moved my hoof over his mouth. “No Spike. This is perfect.”

Wait... Is Everything Cool?

        I walked up to my new house. It was a strange feeling, owning a house I mean.  I had never been much into the real estate market. With what I wanted to do with my life, I had never needed much knowledge of housing. I walked over to my newfound house. It had solid walls, despite all the external damage. The door had a large crack in it, which allowed a draft through. I opened up the door as Spike followed sheepishly behind. The inside had a rusted cot, with a small bedside table beside it. There was a kitchen table as a centerpiece which I quickly threw my basket onto. There was a couch situated beside an empty bookshelf in the corner. There was only one room, but if the deed was to the cleared land then I could expand if I found the funds. The house itself wasn’t very roomy, but it gave me enough room to set up a few basic necessities if time permitted. I smiled at the feeling of owning a house, now I had to fix it up. I grabbed a bag full of coins from my basket along with the table for converting money.

        I walked out of my house and had Spike lead me around town to all the stores I needed to visit. “Alright, with a house this size all you really need is a clock and some new sheets. Timeturner can set you up with a good clock, and I know a mare who really knows her way around the sheets.” I lost it at his word choice. I fell over laughing at his word choice. He stared at me for a minute. “What are you laughing at? She really knows how to make sheets, or any clothes for that matter.” I realized he was talking about Rarity, which made me laugh even harder. In almost every Rarity story I had read she was either completely innocent, or a total whore. I couldn’t not laugh at his word choice. I eventually calmed myself down a bit, allowing Spike to comment. “You’re a nutcase, you know that right?”

        I smiled and nodded at him, flashing a bit of manic smile. He shook his head at me before gesturing in the general area we were in with both clawed arms. Turns out we were in Ponyville square. It was slightly different than the way it was shown in the show. There was an apartment complex with a large golden gate by an ornate fountain on the left hand side of us. In the middle of the square was a large building, with a weather vane shaped like a pegasus, which currently pointed east. I looked over the rest of the square I could see. On my right there was a large, food shaped building beside the apartment. I guessed it was Sugarcube corner. A small yellow building beside it had a picture of a smiling animal on the door. I thought it might’ve been a vet, but I had never seen it before. The last building that was visible was a large mansion, with a smiling picture of a filly on it. A certain orange filly was walking into the gate, a frown on her face. I would have talked to her, but Spike was already dragging me away.

        “We gotta head to the clock store soon, who know’s when Timeturner’s gonna decide to run off to the Everfree again.” I shrugged, the only thing I knew about him was that he ran the towns clocks and was the brown background pony everyone mad a Doctor. I figured that with everything going on, I might as well just roll with whatever happens. Spike walked around the building leading to a few more shops, none of which seemed to stand out to me, before stopping in front of a small brown house. It had a clock hanging from a metal hoop in the roof. It was roughly my size, with a small pony being used as the hour hand. Spike walked in. I waited a moment before opening the door.

        I was met with a deafening chorus of ticking. It slowly faded as I became used to the sound. I looked around to see the stallion of the hour himself, playing with a small gear and a set of levers. THe all seemed to click together to make a small animatronic pony. I looked at it, and it looked at me. I jumped back before the small pony fell apart and I heard Timeturner laughing. “Oh goody, Spike always seems to know just how to scare an unsuspecting pony.” He had a british accent, which kind of confused me, but I shrugged it off. Timeturner walked over and looked me over. “Oh, you are a treat. Tall, broad-shouldered, I bet Big Mac could use a worker like you. Anyways, no cutie mark, confused, I think you need a clock like this.” He walked off and showed back up with a clock roughly the size of a plate. It had a bronze finish with a simple look. I looked it over.

        I raised an eyebrow. “How much?”

        Timeturner smiled. “How about three bits?” I looked over my conversion table. Three bits was roughly equivalent to fifty bucks. Sounded fair enough for a good clock. I looked at all the bits I had in the bag from my basket. There was a good amount in there, definitely enough for the clock. I picked out three bits with my wings before handing them to Timeturner. He smiled and handed me the clock. “It’ll probably work for around four years, come by once every four weeks to get it checked on its synchronization. Oh, and before I forget, Spike said to meet him at the library. It’s three blocks down to the left. Have a nice day.” With that he walked back to the rear of the shop, tinkering with gears again. I walked through the door, trying to make heads or tails of what I just saw.

        I walked towards the library, or at least where I thought it was. Timeturner’s directions were less than perfect, but a giant tree was hard to hide. It was above the lowest buildings and I was able to jury-rig the way there from the directions and the ability to see my final destination. The door was left wide open, which struck me as odd, but I rolled with it and walked on in. Spike was sitting on a couch with a saddlebag on his lap. It was green and being packed with various supplies. Twilight was walking down the stairs with a purple saddlebag on her back. She looked at me like I just arrived late to my own wedding. “Where have you been? I came back down after finishing my studies and you had wandered off.”

        I looked at Spike, who now had an avid interest in the saddle bags checklist. I walked towards a nearby cushion and plopped myself down. “Sorry, I had to check out  my house. Oh, and lookie, I got a new clock.” I brandished my clock with both wings, allowing Twilight to admire it’s awesome-ness.

        She apparently didn’t share my sentiments. “Oh, it’s one of the local clocks. They’re pretty good, but anyways, we have work to do.”

        I looked at Spike packing a saddle bag which now suspiciously looked like it was meant for me. “We?”

        Twilight smiled at me. “Yep, we. Celestia said that we had to go talk to the Saddle Arabian tribes as diplomats from Equestria. She said you would understand their culture better than us.” I looked at her like she was mad, which she might have been. She looked back and her smile faltered. “Why she trusts you as much as me, I don’t know, but she probably knows what’s going to happen, so I guess we’ll do as she asks.”

        I gave her my best annoyed look, which is pretty hard to do on a pony, let me tell you. “You keep saying we, what makes you think I’ll go along with this little plan?”

        Twilight looked at me. “Well because relations with the Saddle Arabians are tense. If their history has anything to say about it, if we displease them we could be looking at a war. I mean, when Salladneigh took offense to Equestria he started a holy crusade against us, and their culture has been basically stagnant, so they could do it again. If every-”

        I stood up. “Alright, alright, I get it! End of the world if I don’t help. I’m in, when are we leaving?”

        Twilight smiled like she planned for me to cave in through her rant. “As soon as Spike finishes packing your bag.”

        I grimaced. “Of course, couldn’t just chill for a day, that just doesn’t make sense.” I turned to spike. “Spike, take my clock home, would ya bro?” He nodded and closed the flap on my saddlebag. He sheepishly looked my way before grabbing the clock and running like a bat outta Hell. I put on the saddlebag and looked at Twilight. “Alright, where we headed?” She smiled again, and I didn’t like it. Before I could question it, I was gone in a flash of purple light.

        The purple slowly faded from my eyes and I was hit with a wave of confusion. I made a checklist of things that confused me. “Alright, I’m in a desert. Unless Twilight’s library is a lot different than I thought, it ain’t normal. I also appear to not have a saddlebag, huh. HAHAHA, guess now I’m really up shit creek with no paddles, and without a boat to.” I cracked a smile even though nothing was actually funny. “Maybe I’ll get something outta this yet, like death, wouldn’t that be fun? I’ll finally know what’s on the other side. I always thought of something, but now I’ll be sure, how great! Guess I’ll move on to the next order of business, how can I build a castle out of this?” I began playing with a rock, not completely sure of my actions.

I’m not sure if I sat there for two minutes or two days, but I only snapped out of my rock coma when a voice snapped me out of it. “Greenhorn? I was looking for you. I’m so sorry, I accidently sent you a few miles north, your bag’s back at camp. You alright?”

I turned around with a smile. Twilight was behind me, but once she caught my

smile she jumped back. I turned my head to the side. “WHat do you mean? Of course I’m fine. Change is good right? I could make more change now that I’m here. Maybe I’ll change something about this world, or maybe just myself? Who knows, because I sure as sin don’t.”

        Twilight looked freaked out, which she had good reason to. “GREENHORN! What are you doing? I haven’t known you that long, but this doesn’t seem like what you would do.”

        I walked a step towards her. “You like learning don’t you? Maybe I’ll teach you what’s wrong, but first you’ll need a change as big as mine. MAybe I could plan a surprise visit to Celestia, that might be enough.”

        Twilight was severely freaked out by now, and thinking of what I was saying, she should have been. “Stop it, stay back!” I felt something slap my face, and I sunk down to the ground.

        I shook my head. Everything was fuzzy, and nothing seemed right. I lifted up my head. “Why am I in an empty desert?”

        Twilight looked down at me. Everything still seemed to mismatch the way it should be. Why was her mane so frazzled? She looked at me worriedly. “You alright? I think the teleport messed you up a little bit. I should have warned you. What if your mind hadn’t fixed so easily? It all would have been my fault. Please be okay, if you aren’t then I just ruined a friendship.”

I stood up and shook my head. “ I’m fine, but you got some water or something? I’m parched.”

        Twilight smiled at that. “Yeah, here.” A canteen slowly floated towards me. I grabbed it effortlessly, and took a long swig. Twilight still seemed a bit on edge. “I think I should run a few tests. I don’t have my checklist kit, but I could just ask a few questions.”

        I chugged the rest of the canteen, and wiped of my mouth with my wing. “What happened, you seem more on edge than Fluttershy sitting beside a random pony?”

        She sat there for a second, apparently lost in a thought. “You really don’t remember?” I shook my head. She nodded slowly. “Then at worst it’s just regressive, we’ll be fine for the moment. You lost it for a bit, but you’re fine now.” She looked me over again. “Probably. You ready to meet some ambassadors?” I nodded, not feeling so talkative at this news. Twilight took the canteen from me with a smile. “Alrighty then, follow me.” With that she walked off with me following in her footsteps, not daring to stop the train of thought on my sanity.

        The desert was huge, but featureless. This was more annoying than anything, but it allowed me to see the large tent from a good distance. It had a small amount of ponies bustling about near it, and seemed like a small oasis from the endless nothing of the desert. I looked at Twilight. “You sure I’m alright?”

        She looked at me with a look somewhere between worry and thoughtfulness. “One second.” Her horn glowed and I got a headache for a second. They both faded in time to my annoyance. Had I just gotten mind read by a small purple pony? Twilight smiled at me. “You should be fine, as long as nothing to unexpected happens.”

        I rolled with it. “Alright, if you say so. I had a bag packed for me, where’d it go?”

        She looked around for a second before her horn glowed and a brown saddlebag floated towards me. “There you go. It’s mostly basic stuff. Celestia said you’d want a pike so I put a small one against the bottom of the bag.”

        I looked an indeed there was a small pike there, almost a knife actually. I’d figure out how to use it later, “Thanks. When are we meeting the ambassadors?”

        Before Twilight responded a regal voice spoke up from behind me. “I’m sorry. There’s been a change of plans. I turned around and saw something I didn’t expect. Queen Chrysalis was standing behind us, a full contingent of drone’s stood at her back. She looked us both over. “Surprised to see me?”

For The Horde

Chrysalis had her back to the desert, prompting me to wonder how she got there. A changeling burrowed out of the ground beside her, instantly answering my question. I growled at her. “Well well, seems we have the bitch queen here.”

         I bent all my legs, which I hoped would still be akin to a humans defensive stance. I stared her down with as much malice as I could muster, which probably wasn’t that scary considering the fact that I’m a pony. I was trying though damn it, and that’s all that matters. Chrysalis seemed less than frightened, and I felt myself being floated up so I could see her at eye level. She stared at me as though she were a cat with a mouse. “Well hello there. So you’re Celestia’s new pet. I don’t think we’ve been acquainted. I’m Chrysalis, queen of the changeling horde.” I tried to respond, but my mouth was firmly closed by magic. “Oh, do you want to talk? Well you seem a bit to boring, so why don’t you go play with Zenith?” I felt myself be thrown towards the back of the black-armored horde. The last thing I could catch from Chrysalis was directed at Twilight. “Oh, Ms.Sparkle, just who I was looking for. We have much to talk about.”

        I fell in the middle of a makeshift circle of changelings. I readied myself, if B-movies had taught me anything, I was probably about to fight something. Some of the Changelings moved aside, and a baby changeling walked in. It crawled over to me while giggling. I sat down and looked at all the changelings around me. It was hard to read their facial expressions, but most seemed to be making sure the baby was okay. I looked around at all the various changelings before I felt something grab my leg. The little changeling appeared to be hugging it. “Well hello there little guy, what’s your name?” He splurged out some funky sounding humming before climbing on top of my head and posing like a general. I laughed and started running in circles. “Yes my master. Onwards, to victory!”  In all the merriment of playing with kids I almost forgot what was happening. Once I realized that Twilight was alone with an evil queen, I ran through the nearest horde of Changelings I saw. “Excuse me, sorry gotta make sure everythings cool with my friends.” They started to growl at me a bit, but before they could even try to stop me I busted through the horde.

        I had actually ran the right direction, which surprised me. What surprised me more though, was the lack of fire and death battle happening where Chrysalis and Twilight were a moment ago. The tent had an open flap with a voice coming out of it. I turned to face it quickly. I felt something fall onto my back, but there was time for that later. I ran through the tent flap. What I saw astounded me. Twilight was sitting at a table, mouth agape, staring at me. Chrysalis was sitting opposite to her, a cup of tea calmly floating in front of her as she looked towards me. She tilted her head sideways, and opened her mouth. “Why is Zenith on your back?”

        I looked over my shoulder to indeed find my baby changeling friend happily sitting on me. I smiled at him. “You decide to stick with me?” He gurgled in response. “I am pretty awesome I guess. So why can’t you stay there?” He flopped down and let his legs ragdoll, poor little guy must have been tuckered out. I turned and looked back at the confused unicorn and superior looking queen. The both stared at me. I instantly activated super suave mode: 9000. “So, you guys aren’t killing each other, That’s good. So what did I miss.”

        Twilight looked like she was about to lose her temper at me. “We WERE having peace negotiations. At least, until you kidnapped one of their foals.”

        I looked back at Zenith, who was happily napping on my back. I did the first thing that came to mind. I stomped like an angry four year old. “But he was so cute Twilight!”

        Twilight facehoofed at me while Chrysalis sipped her tea calmly. “Well, he does seem to have taken quite the shine to you. I shall bestow him upon you as a peace gift of the Changeling horde.”

        I sat there a minute. I was about to comment, but Twilight was like a demon on speed and beat me to it. “Wait, what!? You’re bestowing a pony as a gift? What about it’s mom?”

Chrysalis looked at Twilight. “I am it’s mother. He was the forty second of my last litter. He’s by far the weakest, so he would just get culled anyways. If it makes him happy and makes negotiations easier, then he’s served his hive beautifully.”

        Twilight looked like she was about to refuse. Or maybe cry, but I jumped in at the perfect moment. I jumped up and propelled Zenith into my wings. “You hear that buddy, the creepy bug lady said I could keep you.”

        Twilight decided to use the most popular method of dealing with me when kids are around. It’s called the ‘fuck it’ strategy. “If you’re done Greenhorn, we need a mediator to make sure this stays fair, and since you’re not from Equestria you fit the bill nicely, wouldn’t you say?” I used my wings to shrug before sitting at one of the nearby tables. After all, how bad could this possibly be?

* * *

        “Oh dear Lord, when will all this boring crap end!?” I threw myself over my chair, trying to pose as dramatically as I could. All it earned me was a disappointed glare from Twilight. “Why are peace talks so BORING?”

        Chrysalis looked at me for a moment, before resuming the talks. “All I ask is that you allow infiltrators, such as Zenith here, to enter Equestria and harvest excess emotions to feed my hive. Is that so much to ask?”

        Twilight levitated a teapot towards her cup and poured some tea. “Well, we need some form of insurance that you won’t kidnap our ponies. How can we be sure you’ll remain peaceful when hard times hit your nation?”

        Chrysalis looked offended. “You have the word of a queen, is that not enough?”

        Twilight looked irritated back. “You’re the queen of spies. I think that’s reason enough to have a little bit of distrust. Plus you hospitalized at least fifteen percent of Canterlots residents with that display at the wedding.”

        I had only been there two minutes, and I was already bored. I decided it was time for some logic I read in a comic book. “Hey guys. It’ll take awhile for this to end, so I can I put in my two cents?” They both looked at me silently, which I took as a cue to continue. “Well, I’m speaking out my ass here, but couldn’t you make an academy to educate the infiltrators on how to be like regular ponies. Then fully integrate them into pony society as a permanent resident.”

        Twilight and Chrysalis looked at each other for a minute before Twilight spoke up. “That... could work.”

        Chrysalis nodded. “Indeed, if you would allow an allowance for an academy, as well as pay for the changeling, then negotiations are concluded.”

        Twilight almost stood up in outrage. “Oh no, we can’t fund all that. You’ll have to get them.”

        Chrysalis herself stood up to face the new element brought to the table. “We are still recovering from your brothers near-genocide of our people, we cannot support any type of academy, not even for the children.”

        Twilight also stood up, and almost woke up the still napping Zenith on my back. “Well you can’t expect us to pay for everything. After all, you brought all that pain to yourself when you attacked our nation.”

        I stood up, only slightly taller than Twilight and almost as tall as Chrysalis. “Both of you calm down. You’re acting like children, sheesh. Now sit back down and have some more tea, maybe that’ll calm you down. I should slide some roofies in them just to shut you up.”

        Chrysalis grumbled about commoners commanding her, but sat back down. Twilight however, stood fast. She looked at me, and for a moment, I thought she was gonna yell at me. Her response was much more worrying. “What’s a roofie?”

        My mind went into overdrive. Inadvertently mentioning date-rape to a pony was pretty high on my ‘shit I never thought would happen’ list, so I had no idea what to do. “Um, I.... I’ll tell you when you’re older.”

        Twilight lowered an ear at me quizzically before she shook her head. “You’re a weirdo.” With that being her parting remark she sat back down, taking a sip of her tea “Anyways Chrysalis, we really can’t fund both the academy and the changelings. If you could take care of your own, we could staff a small facility to educate your infiltrators. We’ll be minimally staffed of course. I would estimate we could send through the first batch of changelings in a year, assuming that they learn at a similar rate as ponies.”

        Chrysalis seemed to be calmer as well, and nodded at Twilight. “I think we could manage, all they need is small amounts of love and a home. They learn slightly faster than most ponies, but a year sounds like a good estimate. Until then, we will manage. I assume this concludes the mandatory peace talks?”

        Twilight smiled. “Sounds like it to me. Did you deal with the Saddle Arabians?”

        Chrysalis nodded. “As an initial peace gift, we infiltrated the base government of Saddle Arabia. They had plans to kill the negotiators as a bid for war. We sabotaged their plans and killed the current generals. My guess is that they’ll be in disarray for at least another five years. You should have time to attack and conquer if you see fit.”

        Twilight nodded. “As per our agreement, you can have any prisoners that you may need, so long as they’re treated well. I believe this concludes all issues?” Twilight stood up at the end of her statement, raising a hoof to Chrysalis.

        Chrysalis herself stood up and rose a hoof to Twilight. “Indeed. If you’ll excuse me, I must take my leave now.” She looked at me with anger in her eyes. “And you. If you ever hurt poor Zenith, I will hunt you down and kill you. I don’t care if he would’ve died anyways, take care of him, or you will pay. And I collect debts with copious amounts of interest.” With that a green whirlwind swept her away, leaving me with a newfound fear of bugs. Even if it was racist.

        Twilight looked over to me. “Hey Greenhorn, you even know how to take care of a changeling foal?”

        I looked at Zenith. “Nope, I have no idea what the heck I’m doing.”

        Twilight deadpanned. “Well, I’ll look for a book that has changeling feeding habits.. In the meantime, don’t kill your new kid.” She moved away with a purple flash, and soon I felt the purple magic take hold of my innards. I heard a child giggling and off we went through the teleportation stuff. Shut up, I don’t know what to call it.

        We popped out by the Ponyville library. Which was exponentially better than the middle of a desert. I popped into existence with Twilight beside me. A crowd slowly formed around the two ponies who had appeared out of nowhere. I looked at all the unfamiliar faces and had a stroke of genius. “TWILIGHT, YOU FOOL!! YOU SENT US BACK TO THE OLD AGE OF EQUSS!! TAKE US BACK BEFORE WE’RE NOTICED!!”

        The ponies quickly left our grouping as Twilight looked at me like a madman. I heard a small sigh from my back as a few of the younger ponies peeked out from buildings to look at the time travelers’. I walked back into the library with a stupid smile on my face. I was greeted by Spike sitting on the couch with a magazine in his hands. He noticed me and slowly got up. He stretched a bit before talking to me. “Hey man, got your clock in your house for you. Anything else you need?”

        I smiled at him. “Yes indeedy, Spike old boy. Can you get me a crib, I picked up a souvenir from Queen Chrysalis.” I turned around, presenting a happily swaying Zenith to the small dragon.

        He looked at me for a second before raising a finger to point at me. “I- is that a changeling? A changeling foal, no less!?”

        Twilight walked in with a sigh. “Unfortunately Spike. Can you get me a book on changeling eating habits. Our genius friend here didn’t ask how to take care of Zenith there.”

        I frowned, I figured I knew how to raise him. “Hey, I already know how to raise him.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Oh, really? Please explain it to me then, in detail so I can check your work.”

        A quill and paper appeared from nowhere. I thought for a minute. “Well, he’s a species of a pony bug hybrid, so that would indicate that he was born from an egg. He’s radiating body heat so he’s warm-blooded. He feeds off of love, so he won’t go hungry around here. Then there’s other habits he may have. I’ll admit I have no idea about them.” I made sure to wiggle my back making Zenith happily giggle. “But he was so cute I couldn’t say no.”

        Twilight shook her head at me. “That was pretty close to what you need to know. I’ll tell you what, you let me do some non-invasive tests on him, and I’ll find all the books on changeling foals for you that I can find.”

I turned back around so she could see my face easier and flashed a huge smile. “Sounds like a plan chica.”

        She looked at me for a minute, bewildered. “What does chica mean?”

        I lost a step again, apparently they didn’t have spanish here. “OH, uh... it means chick, but in the connotation of a girl.”

        I shuffled about as we stood in awkward silence. Spike decided to be the one who broke the silence. “Hey, I don’t know about you guys, but I’m gonna hit the hay. It’s almost nine y’know.” With that he shuffled out of the room, leaving behind whatever magazine he had been reading.

        I looked back at my back to see Zenith wobbling about looking dangerously close to sleepy. “Yeah, I gotta run home to, see you Twilight!” With a haphazard wave I galloped out of her library with a small passenger and a stolen saddlebag.

        When I reached my house Zenith was already asleep. I moved to open the door, but it was locked. “Damn, how do I get in now?” A small yawn reminded me not to curse. I set out looking for a way to open up my house without looking like a home invader. I lapped around my house once, twice, then the third time the forest growled at me so I stayed put. I looked down and saw a small box on the ground. It wasn’t there before, so it instantly caught my attention. I opened it up and inside was my key. I figured Spike left it there and unlocked my house. I then met with problem number one. I had one bed, and two people here. There was really no choice. “I’ll get you a crib in the morning little one.” With that I lowered him onto my bed and took up a post on the floor. It wasn’t going to be a restful night.

Testing 1 2 3

        I awoke to the gentle sound of a bird. But not just any bird, it was the stereotypical bird. The little yellow fucker had placed himself on my window, and was happily chirping away the morning. I rolled over, forgetting my bed was smaller than I was used to, and also forgetting I was currently on a couch. I hit the ground with a thump. Here was an average monday if I ever had on. I tried to stand up, and promptly fell over. “Damn my new four legged nature.” I jumped up to stand on my four legs, which were considerably more stable, and walked across the room/house to check on Zenith.

        The little bundle of chitin and cute had managed to sleep through the demon bird, and was somewhere in a horde of covers. They had rolled around him so completely that the only thing I could see was a small bit of his tail. I slowly moved the covers aside, using my wings since I still didn’t understand the witchcraft of hooves, and withdrew Zenith from his cocoon of blankets. He rolled around a bit before deciding that movement wasn’t allowed today, and settling back into a nap. I checked to make sure the sun was up before prodding Zenith with a hoof. “Come on little buddy, gotta get up.” He yawned and turned away, nibbling on my wing tips. A shot of pain flared up them, but the feathers rustled were all mine, so no harm done. “Hey, no biting little man. Why does a creature that lives off love have pointy teeth anyways?”

        Zenith’s green eyes filtered open, and he blinked a few times. A little yawn escaped his lips, and he nestled down and looked up to me. I smiled at him. “What’cha looking at? I got some bread in my teeth or something?” Thus began the oldest game to play with a baby. I pretended there was something in my teeth, and made as many funny faces as possible before Zenith’s laughing form slowly sank out of my wings. He plopped down on all fours and walked to my door, as if begging to be let out. “Alright little man, gimme a minute.” I walked towards the door, and opened it up.

        Outside my house, was an extremely angry rabbit. I stared at it. It stared at me. Not knowing what to do, I spoke to it. “Hello?” The rabbit stared pointedly at Zenith, then back to me. Before I could respond with anything, Zenith did the waddle-walk of all tired children. At least, until he noticed the rabbit. He giggled like an insane teenage girl before green fire enveloped him. I moved a hoof forward, but before it hit the ground, the flame was gone. In it’s stead, was a small rabbit, happily smiling at the glaring one. The glaring one was having precisely none of that, and hopped over to give the rabbit/Zenith a piece of it’s mind. This time I was prepared. I slapped a hoof in between them. Both rabbits looked up at me, one with a huge smile, and one with an annoyed frown. “How about you hop on home little friend?” I dropped my voice a few octaves, hopefully shaking the rabbits ears.

        All my dreams of intimidating the bunny were crushed thanks to a quiet voice from the woods. “Oh Angel Bunny, breakfast.” With that the rabbit nodded towards Zenith before sitting down. Soon enough, the originator of the voice walked through the forest. Fluttershy was walking through some of the underbrush as if it wasn’t there. Whether it was some small amount of flight or simply a skill I’ll never know, but she managed to keep an average speed going as she approached my house. That is, Until she saw me. I can see how she would have missed me in the grass field around my house. My fur matched the brown grass just enough for me to blend in. She shrunk down when she saw me, and her voice became whisper quiet. “Oh, uh... hi. Sorry, I um, thought nopony lived here. I nodded to her.

“Just moved in myself Miss Fluttershy, I’m Greenhorn, remember me?” All I got for an answer was a nod. It was about then I realized I was still lying across the ground.

I stood myself back up, revealing Zenith/bunny to Fluttershy. Her ears perked up. “Oh, you have a bunny.” Before I could stop her she had picked him up and was giving him a once over. “Oh, you’ve taken such good care of him. He’s well-fed, you’ve trimmed his fur a bit. In fact, he looks... exactly like... Angel Bunny.” The last words probably would have been normal, except that the green flames were licking Zenith again. As soon as she finished talking he exploded into green flame, eliciting a squeak from Fluttershy, before he was returned to his Changeling self. Fluttershy stared at him as if he was an aliens before letting out a simple ‘eep’. She appeared to be in shock, so I gently moved Zenith away from Fluttershy, and dropped him on my back. Fluttershy, didn’t move the whole time, which worried me slightly.

I looked at the rabbit who had begun to hop back towards the forest. “Hey, you gonna check on her?” The rabbit shrugged and hopped off again. I poked her with a hoof. “Excuse me ma’am, are you alright?” She sat there, not moving. “Zenith, I think we broke her.” Zenith happily jumped into her arms and licked her face.

        The reaction was instant. Fluttershy dropped her hooves, leaving Zenith floating his way down with his insectoid wings. She backed up a bit and spoke with the loudest voice she could, which was basically my indoor voice. “It’s trying to eat me!”

        I waved my hooves in front of her, which Zenith tried to mirror as he finished his descent towards the ground. He hit when I finally found the words to say. “He’s just a kid, he’s playing. See, now he’s...” I looked over my shoulder to see him happily walking towards town. “Going to town apparently. I’ve gotta run, don’t faint or anything. Bye.” I ran off towards town, checking behind me to see Fluttershy shaking her head as she stared at Zenith.

        I quickly caught up to him and scooped him up with my wing. Without slowing down, I deposited him on my back and headed towards the library tree for Twilights tests. The tree was in the same place, with the door closed. I slowed down to a small jog before stopping at the door. Zenith happily giggled. I moved my wings so it was hard to see him, hoping nobody would see him as a danger. As I slid into the library I heard a brash voice behind me. “Woah, hold the door please!” I ducked in quickly, holding the door open with my tail. A rainbow colored blur rolled through the open door, slowly coming to a sliding stop at the feet of an annoyed librarian.

        The pony in question was Rainbow Dash, which was more than enough to make me smile. The only problem was the fact that Twilight looked ready to kill since another bookcase fell down. Rainbow looked up and saw Twilight glaring down at her. Rainbow flashed a smile and stood up. “Hey Twi, got the newest Daring Do?”

        Twi sighed a bit before slowly nodding at Rainbow. “Yes, I have it in the back room. You can go get it, after you pick up your mess.”

        Rainbow looked down. “Alright, alright. I guess it is kinda my fault.” She looked around. “Wait, who opened the door from me?” I waved a hoof at her, still shielding Zenith with my wings.  Rainbow ran up and punched my hoof with hers. “Thanks bro, doors hurt, like a lot.” She the turned around and started picking up the bookshelf.

        Twilight noticed me when Rainbow pointed me out, and started heading towards me. “Hey Greenhorn, here for the experiments?”

        I nodded. “Yeah, you aren’t gonna hurt him right?”

        Twilight smiled. “Of course not, I’m just gonna try and figure out their basic anatomy. Come on, the labs in the basement.” She walked down the stairs and a purple glow slowly faded down the stairwell. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad. The stairs were dark, lit only with the eerie purple light of pony magic. I walked down the stairs, which was still a bit hard, but I endeavored not to spill the baby on my back.

        The bottom of the stairs opened up into a huge room that seemed too big to fit into the basement. The room was filled with various bits and bobs that all looked very exact and fragile. All in all, it was a place way out of my pay grade. Zenith however, seemed perfectly at home. He quickly jumped off my bag and into the nearest chair. I wouldn’t have minded if it wasn’t next to some funky black powder. I poked it a bit. “Hey Twilight, what’s this?”

        Twilight looked at me. “Oh that, it’s some powder I found. Why?”

        I looked it over, trying to match why it was familiar. Suddenly it hit me. “Yo, you got a lighter?” Twilight quirked her head. I sighed. “Fire, I need some fire.” She nodded and brought out a small stick. The tip combusted and it floated towards me. I grabbed the end of it with my wings. I slowly put the stick over the powder and dropped it into the powder. A small explosion erupted around the table, and my face was filled with black soot. “Twilight you magnificent bastard. You just discovered black powder. Where’d you find it?”

        Twilight kinda sat there for a second. “Uhm... I found it in Everfree, Zecora said she makes it from crushed poison joke and some scratchy rocks.”

        I smiled. “Awesome, I might have to get some more later. I know how to use this pretty creatively.”

        Twilight shrugged. “Alright, well the only thing I wanted to do today was see how they blink. Zenith, wanna come over here?” Zenith jumped down and ran across the floor to the poofy chair beside Twilight. She moved in front of Zenith’s face and flashed her horn incredibly brightly. Zenith’s eyes formed a semi black shield around them, blocking his eyes from the light. He laughed a bit, and I smiled. Little bug could do some neat tricks.

        Twilight moved around the chair, doing base stimuli response tests. I saw her dangle a small fuzzy thing in front of Zenith. The thing itself looked like a cat toy, only the response was more brutal. Zenith jumped towards it and clamped his jaws around it. A small explosion of feathers slowly floated down to the floor around him. He hung dangling from the string as Twilight smirked at him. I smiled at him. “You sometimes remind me of someone little buddy.”

        Twilight looked at me. “Really, who?”

        I looked at her, thinking of the person in particular. He was my little cousin. I went out of my way to watch him at least once a week, and I loved him. He had been hell-bent for leather, and anything his older brother could do, he believed he could do. He had been a great kid. I sighed a bit and looked down. “No one important. Think you could watch Zenith for a bit?”

        Twilight looked at me funny. She paused as if to say something, then nodded. “Yeah, I guess so, why?”

        I turned around. “I need some time to myself, I’ll be back in a bit.” I walked up through the library, waved to a reading rainbow dash, and walked outside. The outside air hit me like a two ton bomb, and made me stop for an instant. I shook it off and went for a walk. I heard a small thump in the distance, but didn’t bother to look at it. It wasn’t important at the moment.

* * *

POV shift: Unknown

I feel cold biting my skin. I barely remember what cold is. It has been so long since I fell asleep, and now I can feel something in my stomach. It’s familiar, like something I used to know, but rarely experience. It isn’t enjoyable. I think about it for a while, and come up with hunger. It is a vile feeling. I can’t remember much. I feel like it’s been years, maybe even centuries. The two cursed ones, they did this to me. Why? Did they attack me, or I them? It’s so hard to think in this accursed cold. Two beings come near me. They look at me, and laugh. My hunger diminishes. They kiss and walk away leaving me with my hunger sated. I sat there, the cold diminished with my hunger. I suddenly heard others. They swarmed into my head like a million happy children. They seemed overjoyed at something, with the loudest voice speaking of peace with other races. I sat and warmed myself with their presence.

The voices spoke, and used words I remembered. Queen, love, hope, all these things triggered my memories. My people, I could hear them, and they could hear me, if I chose. I tried to speak. “I... have... returned!” The voices halted, their small talk stopped as my voice drowned out theirs  “The king... has been freed.” I moved my archaic magic through my body, consuming me in pure green flame. I found myself in the middle of a hive. I opened my mouth for the first time. “Your king is back, and he has come for revenge!”

Home, Home on the Range

Fire. People never think about fire. Sure, everyone goes on about it after the fact, but how many times does someone say “We should clean up these leaves in our yard in case of a fire.” They all worry about the big stuff, but forget about the small. The exact opposite of that just happened to me. I had worried about the small stuff, like being in Equestria, and forgot about the big stuff, like where the hell’s my family. And when I finally thought about my family, well, fire’s the perfect analogy.

I ran, I ran until my back hooves ached, then for variety I ran some more. I ran until I quite literally collapsed from exhaustion. My legs slumped outwards at a ninety degree angle. Briefly, I realized that my legs should be broken. I shrugged it off and moved my head as far as I could in both directions. To my right was a field, not a very interesting one either. To my left was a small pond, with a duck in it. I crawled my way over to the pond and took a sip of the water. It was nice, though different than normal. I guess there wasn’t any chemicals in it. I rolled myself over to my back and let the sun warm me for a bit. Thoughts sprang into my head unbidden. I shut them out, I was going to forget about all this, it would just take some time, and maybe head trauma.

I felt a presence on my chest. I tilted my head up until I could see the duck clearly on my chest. It quacked at me. I stared at it. Ducks normally flew away from people, or any loud stimuli. Yet this one was sitting on my chest while I gasped like an obese jogger. I moved a hoof. The duck pecked it. My hoof recoiled away on impulse. “Ow, you bread eating bastard. That hurt.” My words fell on deaf ears, and the duck sat down on my chest. I tried to roll over and get the duck down, but it pecked my head again. “Alright friend, you obviously like me being a pillow, but I don’t. So here’s the trade.” i moved as quickly as I could and swiped at the duck with my hoof. It jumped up. As it did I stood up, much to my legs complaint. The duck just floated down on my back, I sighed. “Alright, I guess I’ll put up with you for the moment.” looked around until I saw the town, which was a good while away. I set off back towards the library.

I was left with too much time to think on the way back to the library. I did what I always did when I was thinking, and talked. “So mister duck, do you know much about alternate universes?” The duck quacked and ruffled it’s wings. I shook my head. “I thought not. I came from one you know. I’ll be honest, though this place is pretty cool, it scares the shit out of me. I mean, what’s up with my family right now. They could be anywhere, worrying about me. They could need me.” The duck quacked. “I guess you’re right. I really shouldn’t worry. Maybe I can find a way to send a message. I mean,if there’s a way in there’s a way out right? Yeah, I can figure this out. Maybe I can send something to make my cousins happy. Yeah, it’ll all work out...probably.

The rant continued all the way back into town, and almost to the library door. I grabbed the doorknob and pulled back without thinking, and walked straight into a still closed door. I rubbed my forehead and stared at it. A locked library was an odd sight in the middle of the day. I looked around. As I did so my feathered annoyance flew off. I didn’t see anyone around. I knocked on the door. It took a few seconds before the door clicked unlocked. It swayed open to reveal spike in the doorway. I nodded at him. “Hey Spike, Twilight and Zenith here?” Spike cocked his head to the side and opened the door wider, stepping to the side in the same motion. I cocked my head back as I walked in. You alright man? You don’t seem the quiet type.” Spike jumped up and clapped a bit before landing. I stared unashamedly. “Scwhat?” Spike slowly became surrounded by green flames until he erupted, showing a surprise Zenith in the doorway. I scooped him up in a hug. “Hey little buddy, learn a new trick?” He replied by nibbling on my nose. “Close enough.” I said as I rubbed the top of his head.

I heard a voice drift up from the basement door. “Spike? I thought I said I didn’t want any visitors until Greenhorn got back” I heard a snort from beside me. The voice which I assumed was Twilight came back. “Did you fall asleep? Okay then, I hope Zenith’s asleep to. I’m coming up, not that you hear me sleepy head.” I heard some footsteps coming up the stairs and I moved looked at Zenith. He slowly became swallowed by green flame again. I didn’t drop him, so I think I kept my cool. When everything died down I was holding a spike. Doo doo doo, I got an idea. I moved Zenith to the top of the stairwell and jumped behind the couch, peeking under it. I saw a set of hooves reach the basement door. “Oh Spike, I thought you were asleep. Where’s Zenith?” I have no idea what Zenith did next, but it apparently answered Twilight’s question. “Over there? Okay then, I’m gonna check on him.” She walked towards where I heard the snort earlier. She stopped, and there was a second of silence. Then two. Then a loud moment of fear. “WHAT? TWO SPIKES?” I looked over the couch to see Twilight freaking out. “OH my, did my cloning spell have a delayed effect? DId Spike accidently drink the potions in the fridge? What happened? SPIKE, TALK TO ME!” She rushed over and picked up Zenith. As the flames overtook him I busted out laughing. Twilight stared as she realized she was holding Zenith, who then happily but her mane. She looked at me with her mouth in a mix between a smile and a grimace. “How’d you get here?”

I jumped over the couch and sat down on it, a smile plastered to my face. “Oh you know, Zenith let me in. Little bugger figured out doors to fast for my own good.”

Twilight was quiet for a second. “Don’t you mean his own good?”

I shook my head. “Nope, now I’ll have to barricade the doors so he doesn’t wander out while I’m asleep.”

Twilight shook her head. “Anyways I figured out how to take care of Zenith while you did...” She looked me over in my sweat stained glory. “Whatever you did. Just love him and that’s all the food he needs, though he’ll want water sometimes, so take him swimming sometimes and he’ll be good.”

I smiled “Yay, I have an awesome new friendo don’t I?” As I said this Zenith dislodged himself from Twilight's mane and hovered over to me. I scratched his head again. “Yeah, let’s have an adventure!” I stood up and Zenith flew onto my back. Twilight stared at me as I stood there. I raised a hoof to my chin. “Hey Twilight. Where can I find an adventure?”

Twilight shook her head and sighed. Obviously intimidated by my spirit. “Well, the changelings offered to let you visit the hive for a checkup on Zenith and a tour. Apparently Chrysalis liked you enough to let you visit.”

I pumped a fist...hoof in the air. “Hua! Wait, where’s the hive.”

Twilight sighed. “Big Mac was going to go and see if they wanted to move a smaller hive near his southern field. Apparently they would set up that hive as the academy and the apples would help teach them for free.”

I smiled. “Alright then, how much black powder do you have left?”

Twilight looked at me funny. “A good bit, why?”

I smiled. “Oh, I was going to make something before I set off, of you have some metal I could have. And maybe something that could make a spark?”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “What are you planning on making?”

I moved towards the basement and beckoned her to follow. “Some insurance, I’ll show you after me and Big Mac get back if you’ll help me make it.”

She followed me and I swear I could feel her eyes roll. “I’ll humor you, will iron do?”

***

I walked out with my insurance hooked to my hip with a belt. It was smelted iron, with a hole in the middle that flared out, a small pan jutting out from the side. it was made to fit comfortably in my wing, and did so well. It was stationed beside my saddlebags, which had some food, bandages, and a small pike in it. I still didn’t know how to use the pike, but it was a pointy metal stick. Good enough for me. So I walked out to Sweet Apple acres, enjoying the scenery while Zenith hovered beside me, looking like a young foal. I would describe him, but he changed every few minutes, so there’s no point. I walked until I saw the fence. Seeing as how it was relatively clear, I jumped up and started hovering. I hovered over the fence and was met on the other side with a relatively painless crash. I smiled at my good work before I heard a gruff voice behind me. “Y’all know you’re trespassing right?”

I turned around to see a red pony roughly my size. My first guess was he was Big Mac. I bowed my head a bit. “Sorry, I was looking for Big Mac, I must have crossed the wrong fence into a different farm.”

Big Mac looked me over. “Ya’ll didn’t jump the wrong fence, but next time I’d suggest using the front gate. Now what’cha need?”

I smiled as Zenith changed shape again, garnering Big Macs attention. “Well, Twilight said you were visiting the hive soon and she said I should tag along so they can take a look at Zenith here.” I gestured toward Zenith, who changed back to normal while turning around. He struck a pose at the end as if he was on a stage show. The edges of my mouth turned to a grin.

Big Mac stared at Zenith for a bit before responding. “Well, it ain’t too far in the Everfree to the hive, and if Twilight’ll vouch for yah, then I guess yer in. I’m Big Mac, which you probably already know, and I know that little fellers name. Now what’s yours?”

I stuck out my hoof, which Big Mac took in a hoof-shake. “Well, I’m Greenhorn. Just got into town a while ago and got him” I nodded my head towards Zenith, who was hovering towards Big Mac. “on the way in. Now I’m just getting a feel for the place.”

Big Mac turned around and headed for the nearest tree line. “I have to finish getting the apples ‘fore we leave. Y’all follow the fence to the house and wait there. I won’t be but a minute.” And with that he left, wandering towards the apple fields. I started walking beside the fence before I heard his voice one more time. “Wrong way.”

I scratched the back of my head. “Uh, right. See you in a bit.” I walked the opposite  way for a while before finally seeing a small farmhouse in the distance. Some smoke was coming from the chimney and there was a dog happily chasing a bug out front. I felt Zenith land and settle onto my back, probably to take a nap. Then I heard a flutter of wings. I ignored it, walking towards the house more until I felt something on my head. I moved my eyes upward, trying to glimpse what was perched on me. I saw brown feathers. “I swear, if there’s a duck on my head...”

I heard a laugh come from the house, which was much closer with the walking I did while thinking. The front door opened to reveal a tiny silhouette. It’s head moved a bit before it started heading towards me. “Hey, hey mistah!” A bow bounced in the air, I normally would have commented on the pony, but the bow literally bounced of her head and back on. I stared for a second. I shook it off and looked at my questioner, low and behold little Applebloom had entered the fray. “Hey mistah! Granny smith told me tah.... Why do yah have a duck on yah head?”

I swear to God, I will need the patience of an archangel if it’s the same accursed bird from before. Okay, all I have to do is calm down and.... “GET THIS DUMB DUCK TO STOP FOLLOWING ME!!!”

I instantly flailed my hooves over my head before falling over and spilling Zenith from his perch on my book, which he very loudly clicked at me for. Applebloom stared for a minute at what looked a large bluebird complaining at me. “Wow mistah, birds must like you. Anyhows, Granny Smith said if y’all got any closer to the house she’s gonna call Big Mac over to buck you like a tree. It weren’t nice of her, so I came to warn yah.”

I smiled, it was like that time I wandered off property and got yelled at by an oriental farmer. Only the threat was assault instead of cops. How cool. “It’s alright, I already talked to Big Mac, he’s the one that told me to come here. I’m meeting him fr a trip when he finishes his chores.”

Applebloom looked me over. “Are y’all going to the changeling hive? The last pony who heard us sayin’ Big Mac was going called us liars.” She ended liars with a flourish, as if throwing out a particularly rancid piece of cheese with a large bug in it.

I nodded. “Yeppers, I have to check on something there and some company’s always nice, plus I want to make sure I brought the right amount of supplies.” I wiggled my butt around a bit, causing much thumping and grinding of bandages. Applebloom’s mouth widened a bit. Zenith lazily rolled sideways through the air and landed back on my back before sleeping again.

Applebloom’s eyes moved with him, and stared for a bit. “Mistah, yah have a funny bird, why’s he following you?”

I looked back at Zenith, who had thankfully maintained a bluebird disguise this whole time, probably switched on the way to the farm house. I patted him on the head. “Nah, the evil duck follows me, this ones Zenith. He’s my little buddy.”

Applebloom grinned a bit before her eyes grew to the size of dinner plates... er larger dinner plates. "Ah forgot tah introduce mahself. Ah'm Applebloom sir, I'm SO sorry ah forgot."

I smiled. "No worries chica, I'm Greenhorn Nice to meet'cha." I had expected them to be polite, they were ponies after all, but it seemed farmers still had that special place for polite ladys, even one as un-ladylike as Applebloom. "Seems manners aren't to different." Applebloom folded down one of her ears at that.

Applebloom stared for a minute as she frowned in conversation. Her eyes lit up and a smile crossed her face again. “Ah git it!!.” I nodded for her to continue. “Y’all are weird and like birds, Ah bet it’s your cutie mark.” From the mouths of babes right? She quickly turned to stare at my flank. Wait, she said cutie mark. That’s right those exist. I had never looked at mine. I turned my head to see more light brown fur. Applebloom stepped back. “Y’all don’t have a cutie mark?” She turned to look at me. “Well why not? Ain’t cha’ good good at sumthin?” Ouch again, score is two applebloom, zero ego, for those keeping track at home.

I shook my head. “My dear, subterfuge is not your hidden talent. Either way I figure that something as otherworldy amazing as my talent needs time to gestate properly, so waiting a while is cool with me.”

Applebloom raised her eyebrows at me. I was getting judged by a tiny pony, which knocked another point for Applebloom on the board “Yep, y’all are weird, but so is Twilight so, ah guess that’s okay. "Ah’m about tah have lunch. Y’all can bring yah bird and have some if yah waitin’ on mah brother.” With that she started walking off. I was enticed by free food. So I, like a fool, followed her."

News on the pony front

I had been a sucker. They lured me in with free food, and turned it into unfair labor. My slave master yelled her new commands. “Now sonny, if y’all want some pie you’ll have tah get me the apple barrel outta the barn.” I looked at my tormentor. Granny smith smiled at me and waved. This was the third apple barrel I had moved, and with each barrel  I got the most delicious apple based food ever. It was fair, but some of the hardest work I’d ever done. I walked towards the barn to earn my dessert. Zenith was happily floating beside me, trying to help whenever he could. It basically amounted to him whistling beside me. It was actually pretty good, especially since he did it as a blue jay. I walked into the barn and shouldered the barrel in between my wings. It was heavy, but still lighter than most giant apple barrels I had carried in my lifetime. Read, 7.

I got back to the smell of heavenly pie smells. I moved the apple barrel over beside the formerly full ones and shuffled my way over to the kitchen. I saw Granny Smith instructing Applebloom on how to pie. “Now don’t firget to spread the apples evenly, and then shunt it in the oven like an apple fritter in yer mouth.” Applebloom worked with the speed of three ponies, doing all her instructions as granny smith said them. I looked on in horror at my new pony overlords. Granny Smith smiled. “Y’all are a natural, now how long do yah cook it?”

Applebloom raised a hoof to her chin. “Ummm, three minutes and fifty two seconds?” Granny raised a hoof. Applebloom jumped up. “Oh, fifty THREE seconds!” A nod from granny smith gave that kid the proudest expression I ever saw. Her eyes grew to dinner plate size in seconds. I smiled in the background, reveling in their family moment. I heard a small ding followed by a loud thud. Applebloom ran back towards the oven, moving her mouth as if to say one one thousand.

I looked towards the thump to see Big Mac walking in. I waved to him, and he tipped his head towards me. “Ah’ll grab some lunch, then we’re gone. That good?”

I smiled towards him. “Sounds like a plan boss man, You’re family’s been gorging me in exchange for apple hauling, so I’m good.”

Big Mac looked around the table, and grabbed a large hand full of apple foods. “Alright then, let’s go. We got an hours walk ahead of us.” With that he turned tail and walked out, nodding towards Granny. I quickly said my thanks and walked after him. As soon as i kept up he flicked his head towards the forest beside his property. “That there’s Everfree forest. We’re gonna head in there. Don’t talk while we’re in there, we need to be focused on listening. I nodded as we grew ever closer. “Also, it’s pretty dangerous in there, if yah got a weapon, ah’d get it ready now.” I brought out my iron rod, and opened my saddle bag. I took out a small cask and popped the lid, it was filled with Twilight's black powder. I started pouring it down the iron rods open end and counted to three under my breath before I recapped it and put it back in my bag. I then felt around until I felt a small box. Without looking I opened it and grabbed a hand full... wing full(?) of rocks and threw them down the end. I shoved my wing in and packed it tight, before bringing back the enchanted hammer and hooking it back to my belt.

Big Mac looked at me, but didn't comment. We approached the forests edge. A small rustle from a nearby tree elicited a growl from Big Mac. We trudged on, entering a magical land of spooky trees and possible death. The path was fairly well cut away, with trees circling above us, making something like a roof. I moved my hooves back and forth, swaying slightly as I moved forward. Some might say this was because I was nervous. I’ll say it’s because the ambient awesome-ness of a pony death forest was spilling in to me and I needed to bleed off the excess. Big Mac nodded towards a gap in the trees, his mouth-hay bobbing up and down. “That weren’t there before. We’re gonna have to be careful.”

Crumpling leaves seemed to surround us. I caught glimpses of movement throughout my peripheral vision. I crouched down lower and looked around constantly, trying to find the source. Big Mac had the exact opposite reaction. He slowly chewed on his hay and relaxed a bit, seeming to find this normal. I heard a voice from our left. “Izzz the one called Big Mac among you?” The voice was almost a buzz, like the patter of a bugs wings.

Big Mac tensed up at this, his hay going into his mouth by an inch. “Ah reckon’ he is, may I ask why yah need to know?”

A changeling seemed to melt from a bush, waving a hoof at us. “My queen hazzz news that is of a delicate nature. I have been zzent to tell you.” He waited for a response, me and Big Mac simply stared at him. He raised a hoof to his throat and coughed. “Yezz, an unexpected guest had arrived at our caztle, one who izz not a fan of poniezzz. She told me to zay that your prinzzezzez must know that hate haz returned to the hive. Our meeting muzt be poztponed azzzz well. But a book will arrive at the library for Zzzeniths proper upbringing.”

My face scrunched up a bit. “So what does that mean, hate has returned to the hive?” I waved my hoof to the sky, trying to make out my confusion in a physical way.

The changeling moved his head behind him, checking his back. “Exactly what I mean, the drones have already lozzzt control, infiltrators have another few dayzzz, before they lozze it. Zenith hazz been cut from the hive, zzzo he will be fine. Pleazzzzzze, tell your prinzzez zzzzzoon, I believe the dronezzzz followed me.”

I raised a hoof, about to question him, when another rustle happened, and a small spine went into the right side of changelings neck. Green blood splattered over the nearest tree, and pooled over the ground. A second later the changeling fell, soaking in his own blood. I heard another voice cut through the forest, with the same buzzing quality as the infiltrators. “For the king!!” A drone went through the foliage, landing on the dead body. I pulled out my iron and slapped the hammer back. It disengaged the lock and the hammer jumped forward, hitting the iron man with a thud. The enchantment sent a spark into the barrel, lighting the black powder. The pebbles leaped out of the barrel, going faster than I could see. The drone flew back, with more blood splattering the trees and bushes behind him. A piece of hay flew past my head. Big Mac touched my shoulder and ran in behind me, back towards the house.

I was filled with adrenaline and scared as shit, which translated to me yelling. “ZENITH, GO HOME!” Zenith buzzed around his face looking everywhere. “NOW ZENITH!!” He flew off. I looked back at the drone in front of me, his leg twitching.  “That was my BOOMSTICK!!” I moved the newly christened boomstick to my saddle bag loop.

I turned around flew after Big Mac hearing a scream behind me. “The king hazzzz returned, I will not be forgotten!!” I sped up, fully catching up to Big Mac.

We didn’t slow down until we reached the end of the Everfree, I hadn’t kept track of how long it was until we met the changeling, but it felt like an eternity on the way back. When we reached the end I rolled out of the sky and landed on my back, panting to catch my breath. I moved a hoof over my forehead, or... whatever a pony has. “Well, on the upside. I know how to fly now.”

Big Mac was sitting down, withdrawing another piece of hay from under his yoke. “Eyup, reckon’ that’s one upside.”

I rolled to my feet and and stood up, grabbing my boomstick from my back. “Also, this works, I half expected it to explode. So, should we go tell the purple talking pony about the hate and stuff?”

Big Mac nodded. “Eyup, so what is that contraption of yo’s? Yah screamed it was a boomstick, or sumtin’ to that effect.”

I smiled, proud of my work. “It’s a tool I knew about. I propels rocks really quickly to hurt or injure anyone on the wrong end. It’s pretty dangerous, but it keeps me safe from stuff.”

Big Mac nodded. “Well, it certainly took care of that changeling well enough.”

I then realized just what happened. “Whoa, damn. I just realized what I just did. You think he’s okay. I mean, I didn’t really want to hurt him, just get him off our back.”

Big Mac shrugged. “Ah don’t know. There was a lot of green on the bush, but I was runnin’ not takin’ notes. That and I don’t have a tick a’ know-how about changelings. Fir all I know they could have gallons a’ blood.”

I looked back towards the forest. “Yeah, well. I hope he get’s better. I have a feeling I’ll regret it if he is though.” Big Mac apparently tired of talking and moved his hoof over his shoulder in the universal gesture to follow, and we started off towards town. Zenith apparently decided that home was not the place to be and zipped out of a bush, grabbing my neck in a vice-like grip. “Hey little buddy.” I cooed, trying to get him calm. “We’re fine everyone’s fine. See?” I gestured with all my extremities, lightly patting Zenith’s head with my tail. “I got all my bits and bobs.” That appeared to do absolutely jack-shit, and Zenith hugged my neck tighter. Big Mac stared at us. I tried to smile. “It’s okay boss, I’m only getting a little choked. Quickly, to the purple talking pony. And maybe a crowbar.” I sauntered towards the library, with Zenith riding my neck.

The trip was surprisingly uneventful, given that I had a changeling strapped to my neck. I heard a few screams, then something about a weird neck tie and it got kinda quiet after that. I got to the library fairly quickly, though I could have just thought that due to a lack of oxygen. Either way, I slammed open the door. “Twilight! Yo Twi, we got news!” Big Mac casually sauntered in, and headed straight up the stairs. I sat there for a minute, until I heard a shuffle from the stairwell. I ran up and beat on the wall. “Spike, I know you’re in there.” I heard a mutter, followed by a panel opening up in the stairwell and spike falling out. I picked him up under the shoulders, shaking him to and fro. “Bro, Twilight needs to hear some news. Where’d she go?”

Spike rubbed his eyes. “What’s the point of my secret hidey-hole if everyone wakes me up anyways?” I shook him more vigorously. “Fine! She went off to Canterlot, something about Celestia needing her for something.”

I shook my head. “That’s no good, I need to see her right now!” I put Spike down and idly patted his head. I felt Zenith pulse his arms around my neck, reminding me he was there. “On an unrelated note Spike, do you have a crowbar?”

Spike stared and scratched his head. “I’m gonna say no. Why is Zenith hooked to your neck like fluttershy at a public event?”

Half of my lips rose at the joke. “Long story, but I seriously need to talk to Twilight now, what do you got for me in that department?”

Spike shrugged his shoulders at me. “There’s always the scrying glass upstairs, besides that you could send her a note. It’d go to the princess first, but she could send it Twilights way.”

I heard a thunk from upstairs. Big mac descended the stairs with his coat slightly wet. “I reckon’ that won’t be necessary. I told Twilight ‘bout the hate an’ such. She said that she’ll tell us more about it when she get’s back.”

I looked around the library. “Well how long is that gonna be? In case nobody noticed I’m being strangled by a changeling. I mean, it’s adorable, but it’s also painful.”

Spike smiled. A shine in his eyes reflecting his mischievous intent. “Oh no, is the little changeling filly gonna choke out the fully grown pony?”

I shielded my face from his verbal assault. “Very funny, I’d like to see you deal with him. Screw it, I’m finding a kids book and reading to him. You know where they are Spike?”

Spike raised his left eyebrow almost clear off his head. “You mean foal books? Third shelf to the left of the door.”

I turned towards the books and waved a wing over my back. “Yeah. Thanks Spike.” I moved towards the shelf and grabbed the first book I saw. I then moved to the reading table and sat down. As I started reading Zenith slowly loosened his grip on my throat. We hunkered down to wait for Twilight, a good book in hand.

BOOKS!!

“And as Buckly opened the door, he thought of all the wondrous times he’d had with the monsters.” I raised my hoof to my chin in thought, trying to look like Buckly did in the picture. Zenith had since moved from strangling me to sitting on the cushion opposite of me while I read all manner of books. Apparently my funny faces and exuberance for easy reading had been popular, as every parent with foals that stepped in had lost their children to my clever storytime trap. Now there were three little ones sitting in a semicircle on the floor. I turned the page and started reading again. “Buckly thought and thought, until he thought his brain was going to explode. He turned to face his monster friends, and looked at each of them before running up and hugging them. “I’m going to miss you all SO MUCH”” And with that I pouted out my lower lip and wailed a little bit as the kids looked at me in rapt attention. I turned the page again. “The monster king looked down sadly “But you must got Buckly, you have learned that monsters aren’t scary, and now you must go back home.” Buckly sniffled and wiped his nose. “You’re right king, I’ll be good.” And with that, Buckly returned home, no longer scared of the monsters in his closet.”

I set down the book and looked at all the kid’s, er, foals in front of me. I closed the book dramatically, to all the foals sadness. One even vocalised it. “Aw, do you have any more stories mister?”

I smiled and rose my hooves like I was Noah parting the red sea. “My boy, we’re in a library. If you want more to hear a good book, you gotta find a good book. Until Twilight get’s here I’m free.” As they all debated which book to have me read the door flung open. Twilight ran in like a bolt of purple lightning, running straight to the kitchen where Big Mac and Spike were while everyone else was looking for books.

I heard a clunk, along with a few surprised gasps before I heard her speak. “Spike, Big Mac, Greenhorn! Wait, where’s Greenhorn?!” I heard more muttering from the kitchen at what was I assume a normal volume before purple lightning the pony ran in front of me. “Greenhorn, what are you doing out here?”

She seemed focused, and mildly curious. The question, however, was the way you tell a kid that they done fucked up. I pointed to the kids now huddled in the corner, who were amazingly unfazed by the changeling in the library. The parents were too, or hadn’t noticed yet. Either way she looked between the kids and me with such speed that I thought she’d break her neck. “I was reading to the kids Twilight, it was like a party, only calmer and with less cake.” I looked at the table behind me, and saw a cake with a pink pony behind it and... oh God forgive me my sins. Pinkie Pie cometh, and she brought not but the party of evil.

Pinkie Pie gasped in me and Twilights general direction. She jumped up and I swear the roof went upwards with her. She splayed out her legs and released a smile roughly the size of a third world country.  She zeroed in on me, and I felt the cold chill of death. “IS THAT A NEW PONY!!??!” As if sensing the newfound danger, the library guests suddenly evacuated, leaving me to my fate.

I felt the wind rush from my side as Twilight fled from this monstrosity in front of me. It was a lovecraftian beast of legend, if slightly less morbid. She charged towards me. I took a step back, but after that I felt fear paralyze my body. I started counting down the seconds to impact, but just before one, I was struck with a wall of confetti. I shook my head in fear, I grasped at straws as I spoke. “I’m not a pony.”

Pinkie stopped, and rose a hoof to her chin. “Well, I guess a pony is a pretty silly name.” I stood stark still, willing Pinkie to leave us to our conversation. “Oh, I know, I’ll introduce myself. I’m Pinkie Pie, and I threw this confetti just for you!!”

I had no idea how to react. The cacophony of noises had overwhelmed my senses, leaving me stunned to the spot. I slowly attempted to speak. “I’m Greenhorn?”

Pinkie Pie jumped in place. “How good for you, but isn’t that a unicorn name? Oh, maybe you’re an alicorn who disguised himself to live among ponies, and when the time is right BOOM alicorn takeover of Equestria. Anyways I gotta work on something so I’ll catch you later Greenie-leenie!” With that she walked out the library, using the door which seemed like a rather tame note for her entrance.

I moved to stare at Twilight. “Was that normal? I feel like I was just attacked by a clown from the frozen plains of Hell.”

Twilight nodded. “It is, but I’m surprised she gave up so easily. Normally she wouldn’t have left until all of Ponyville was crammed into my library for a party.”

I shook my head. “Anyways Twi, you get the full story from chatty over there?”

Twilight shook her head. “Chatty?”

Big Mac walked out of the kitchen, Spike riding on his back. “Ah reckon’ he means me. An’ nah, she came in lookin’ fer you.”

I jumped back on a chair, with Zenith lazily flying onto my lap. “Excellent, now I hold all the cards. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!”

Twilight rolled her eyes, moving a hoof to her forehead afterwards to emphasis my stupidity. “Actually, I was here to tell you major news involving the Princess and an escaped prisoner.”

I patted Zenith in between his wings, causing him to curl up in my lap. “Does the news have to do with changelings, and kings, and boom booms?”

Twilight sat there, a look of confusion on her face. “How’d you guess?”

I smiled and nodded towards Big Mac. “We may have met a few people who explained the situation.”

The look on Twilights face almost made me bust out laughing. Her Ears folded back and eyes shot open. “What? Ohmigosh, are you okay, is Zenith okay, did the farm get hurt?” She started jumping up and down. I simply shook my head.

Big Mac answered for me, “We’re all fine girlie. Greenhorn got one of ‘em off us and the rest weren’t to keen on chasing us. Ah reckon’ they thought we might have more of them sticks Greenhorn used.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “A stick?”

I raised the newly christened boomstick in the air. “Hey boss, the stick works. Surprisingly  it didn’t explode and kill me.”

I saw that process in Twilights mind before she simply shook her head “That was an option. Nevermind. I was going to say that the king of changelings has broken free of his prison.”

I looked around. Zenith nibbled my wing somewhat painfully. “So, assuming I’m the only one who has no clue what that means. What does that mean?”

Twilight nodded, “No pony really knows that story, so you're forgiven for your massive ignorance  on the subject of pony history.”

I pretended to flinch as if punched in the gut. “Oh, you wound me madame. I am but a new arrival in the land of the technicolor ponies. And I am assaulted with a wit as scathing as iron.” I fell to the floor.

Twilight seemed unamused. She simply rolled her eyes and kept talking. “Anyways, the king of changelings was the leader of the hive three-hundred thousand years ago.” She looked towards the ceiling for a bit. “Roughly. Despite the fact that that most of the spells out princesses using having defined limits this one was supposed to be permanent.” She brought a hoof to her chin. “We’re still not sure how he got out.” She shook her head. “Anyways, we've been told that we’re to cut all relations with the hive and leave them be for the moment. The new relations with the queen may play out if the spell did it’s emotional part on him, he should be a bit less, uh...”

I offered my explanation. “Giant raging dick waffle?”  I really doubted that was the right answer and by the reaction they didn't even know what that meant. I backpedaled. “Uhm, by that I mean a ruler who may actually care for his people?” I tried to smile, but apparently it worked at least a little bit.

Twilight looked like she had grasped onto the lone rock of knowledge in my sea of stupidity. “Yes, before he was stopped he used lives like he was eating a field of grass, everyone below him was expendable.”

I nodded sagely. “As, tzar pony went with the Russian war strategy.” I fully stood up and Zenith stood on my head. “As was with the cold war, I will endeavor to stop them by starving them of their precious resources and waiting for their economy implode like a majestic bug.”

Everyone continued to talk, and seemed to completely pass by my comment. I was starting to feel unloved. I leaned over to Zenith. “Hey buddy, you feel up to heading home?” I heard a happy buzz behind my wing. “Alright, we gotta sneak though, so being quiet is key okay?” I heard another buzz, and it sounded like an affirmative, so I started to sneak away like a mouse.

At least I would have, if I had the slightest ability to be quiet when apparently the foals I had been reading to had retreated right outside the door. “It’s the book pony!” I remember my final thought before being swarmed, and it was simple. Ah shit. And just like that I was mobbed, and corralled back into the library. “ We can find another book, will you please read us more?” I swear, it’s like they were all talking at once. Just to be clear, I’m paraphrasing. The actual horde was fighting for every sentence I wanted to hear and was barely more than a mess of words.

I heard a few sighs from behind me, and maybe one chuckle as I was deposited into the children s corner, surrounded by pillows and with a book shoved in my hooves. “I ah, I... I gotta go kiddies, maybe tomorrow?” I said this sheepishly while a dozen eyes stared me down with the collective cuteness that could strike any man with diabetes at 20 paces. They all stared back for a minute before one I recognized stood up.

It was pipsqueak, the adorable little rapscallion. “Do ya promise sah?” I nodded, hoping I would start a little revolution.  Like a little Lenin pipsqueak began. “I guess we can come back later guys, but we gotta meet back up here for story time tomorrow.” They all began to slowly file out of the house. I tried to follow, however I felt the purple magic swallow my entire soul, or go around me and pick me up. I heard a squeak from my wings as Zenith felt the power of magical pony flight and found it wanting.

Twilight’s voice sang through the air. “Oh Greenhorn, I wasn't finished.” Fuck. I just wanted to finally go home, and possibly get a crib. Fuck I needed a checklist or something. Twilight seemed to hold no mercy for my dilemma. “Now as I was saying, the king should be mostly calm, assuming those ‘entertainers’ he sent your way were a knee jerk reaction we should be fine... hopefully.”

I started trying to subtly flap my wings free of the magenta prison. It didn’t work, and Twilight shot me a death glare. I tried to shrug. “I need to get a crib?”

Twilight rolled her eyes at me and floated me towards the door. “Go get your stuff, long story short try to relax and finally get used to your new home. All else failing you’ll get a few days to make your first report.” Shit, and just like that my plans die in fires of vengeance. Well, welcome to your new home Jonathan, paperwork included.